Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

- Good morning, ladies.

(audience laughs)

- Under the arms?

(audience laughs)

Oh, dirty neck.

Morning.

- Mr. Mash, what are you doing?

- Just giving her a sponge down, sir.

- Do you have to do it up here?

- Well, I daren't do it in the cellar, sir.

I'd get too excited.

(audience laughs)

- Hurry up, Daphne.

You should be up those stairs by now.

- Captain Peacock, did you know that

this sort of thing was going on?

- No, I did not.

Mr. Mash do you usually do that sort of thing?

- Only on the dummies, sir.

(audience laughs)

Well, they can't do it themselves, can they?

- Captain Peacock.

I feel that the female staff should wash the female dummies.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I do see the reasoning behind your observation.

On the other hand, what about the male dummies?

- Ah, yes.

Well, the men should do those, of course.

- Have you anybody in mind to attend to the female dummies?

- Well, how about the female cleaners?

- I fear that may well lead to inter-union strife, sir.

- But young Mr. Grace would have a fit if he saw this.

- Yes, and he can't afford too many of those.

(audience laughs)

I have it, sir.

Why don't we wash them as they do in convents?

- How's that?

- They wash in shifts.

- No, we don't have that many dummies.

- No, they wear shifts.

- Do they?

How do you know?

- One reads books.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I see.

What exactly is a shift?

- It's sort of a petticoat, sir.

- Is it?

That seems rather a good solution.

- Mr. Mash, in future, I would like you to wash

the female dummies with a petticoat on.

(audience laughs)

Well, if you say so, Captain Peacock.

Is it all right if I keep my socks on?

(audience laughs)

- Captain Peacock.

- Excuse me, sir, I must sign on.

- Captain Peacock, I'm rather surprised

to see you wearing a bowler hat.

- Really, sir?

Why?

- Well, at Grace Brothers, bowlers are reserved

for departmental heads and above.

- I thought those archaic rules had gone long ago, sir.

- Well, no, they haven't.

Senior floor staff, such as yourself, are allowed a homburg.

Junior floor staff should wear caps or trilbys.

- I see.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- Mr. Humphries, may I have a word with you?

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

- I don't think you ought to be wearing that hat.

- No?

I thought a homburg was rather me.

(audience laughs)

- At Grace Brothers, homburgs are reserved

for senior floor staff, such as myself and Mr. Grainger.

- What a shame.

I was going to see my solicitor.

And they don't really go fo a porkpie

at Solomon and Finkelstein.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

One minute to nine, just in time.

- Mr. Lucas, why are you not wearing a hat?

- Am I supposed to?

- Yes, you are.

It states quite clearly in writing in the staff rules,

that the junior floor staff will wear a trilby or a cap.

Senior floor staff will wear homburgs.

- Oh well, Mrs. Slocombe will look a fair old treat

in a homburg.

(audience laughs)

Good morning, Mr. Humphries.

- Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Would it be all right to wear a bowler?

- Certainly not.

Only departmental heads and above may wear bowlers.

- In that case, this can't possibly belong to anyone here.

I'll take it to the lost property office.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

Morning, Miss Brahms.

Yes, just on the dot.

- Oh, I'm worn out to start with.

I have stood standing in the bus all the way,

and not one man offered me a seat.

- You should do what I do.

Shove a shopping bag under your coat and stagger a bit.

(audience laughs)

- That's the trouble with all you ladies.

You want equality, but you're not prepared

to stand up for it.

- Oh, you're very sharp today, aren't you?

- Quite right, Captain Peacock.

They are all the same these days.

You take girls out, and they all want equality

until the waiter brings the bill.

- That's because of what you want

after the waiter's brought the bill.

(audience laughs)

- When we don't get it, how many offer to split it

down the middle?

(audience laughs)

- It's time you were at your counter, Mr. Lucas.

- Yes, of course, Captain Peacock,

to deal with that milling throng of customers.

- Good morning, Mr. Grainger.

Oh, I say you look exhausted.

- I am.

I gave up my seat on the train to some stupid woman.

(audience laughs)

- The lost property office seems to be closed.

The man in charge has lost the key.

(audience laughs)

- In that case, I'll take charge of this.

- Going somewhere, Captain Peacock?

- No, sir.

Well, I should have thought you'd have put your hat

away by now.

- Allow me.

(audience laughs)

- Is everyone here?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, while there are no customers,

I'd like a quick word with the staff.

- Very well, sir.

Would everybody gather round, please?

Mr. Rumbold wants a quick word.

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms.

- Oh, hang on.

- You should do that before you get here.

- She used to do it on the bus,

but the lipstick kept shooting up her nose.

(audience laughs)

- I have here the trade figures for last month,

and I am deeply concerned.

- I read about those in the paper, Mr. Rumbold.

Poor old England, hundreds of millions of quid in the red.

- I'm referring to this department.

We were over 600 pounds down again last week.

Now, why is this?

- I know the answer to that.

People aren't spending so much money.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, that could have something to do with it.

- They're not even looking like they used to.

I mean, there was a time when you'd go up to a customer

and say, excuse me, sir, are you being served?

And they'd say no, just looking.

Now they don't even come in.

It's most frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Grainger?

(audience laughs)

- Most frustrating.

Trousers are at a complete standstill.

- You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.

(audience laughs)

- My corsets have been down for over a fortnight.

(audience laughs)

I mean women nowadays let their figures run riot

and then wear a kaftan.

- Well, I know we are living in very difficult times.

- Precisely.

Of course, the pound is to blame.

Look at the price of milk.

- Oh, and I remember when bread was three farthings a loaf.

- Things were bound to go up after Mafakin.

(audience laughs)

- Do we have to have the juniors in on this discussion?

- Well, I think we are straying from the point,

which is that our sales figures are down and I am going

to be asked by the board to give a reason for it.

What am I going to say?

- Goodbye and it's been nice being here.

(audience laughs)

- You may find yourself saying that, Mr. Lucas,

if you make any further interruptions.

- I'm sorry, sir.

- It's youth, Captain Peacock.

You can't hold it down.

- If I may make a suggestion, sir,

why don't we take a leaf out of the government's book

and have a think tank?

- A what?

- A think tank where everybody throws in ideas.

- What, into the tank?

(audience laughs)

- No, Mrs. Slocombe, there isn't actually a tank.

- Oh, you just think there is.

- Perhaps I should explain it more clearly.

Experts sit around, chew over a problem,

then bring up a solution.

- When you put it like that, they could do with a tank.

(audience laughs)

- I think that's a surprisingly good suggestion,

Captain Peacock.

Are we agreed then, we'll have a think tank?

- Yes, yes.

- A very good suggestion of Captain Peacock's,

don't you think so?

- A stroke of genius.

- You know gin used to be 12 and six a bottle.

- Are we agreed?

- [All] Yes, it used to be 12 and six a bottle.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, no.

Are we agreed that we shall have a think tank?

- [All] Oh, yes, yes.

- Right, well, we'll meet here this evening,

after the store closes.

- Well, I can't stay behind.

I'm being picked up outside the staff entrance.

- If I were you, I'd stand outside the front.

You'd get a better class of person.

(audience laughs)

- I shan't be seeing you, then, shall I?

- I daresay, we could manage without you, Miss Brahms.

- I can't make it, I've got someone coming

around to wash my hair.

(audience laughs)

- With the little bit you've got,

that shouldn't be a two-man job.

- Couldn't you phone him?

- What makes you all think it's him?

(audience laughs)

As a matter of fact, it's the girl from the poodle parlor.

She does a lovely cut and blow wave

and it doesn't cost me a thing.

All I've got to do is sit up and beg.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, very well, Mr. Humphries.

- Well, if I'm not home on the stroke of six,

my pussy goes mad.

(audience laughs)

- It's hardly convenient for me, too.

- What excuse have you got, Peacock?

- I have to rush away and buy a hat.

(audience laughs)

- Well, Mr. Rumbold, it looks like you

and Mr. Grainger for the think tank.

Due to the fact that on Captain Peacock's instructions,

I, too, have to go and buy a hat,

as befits my menial and lowly position here.

- Well, I'm perfectly prepared to toss some ideas

about and give you the benefit

of my vast experience, Mr. Rumbold.

- I think in the circumstances we will cancel

the think tank for tonight and convene at a time

when we can all get there.

Let's say tomorrow morning at 8:30.

- 8:30?

But that's a half an hour before the store opens.

- Yes, you're quite right.

It's not early enough.

We'll make it eight.

(staff chattering)

- Good morning.

- Oh, I'm dying for a cup of coffee.

- So am I.

I want one to take my pill.

- Are you on the pill?

(audience laughs)

- When Mr. Mash gets here we'll send him to the canteen.

- Beatrice, turn that confounded thing off for now.

- Yes, sir.

- I hope I haven't kept you all waiting.

I just stopped at Beppo's to get a coffee.

Good morning, ladies.

- [Ladies] Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

I must say, I like the hat.

- Thank you, sir.

For some reason, they seem to be much more

expensive than bowlers.

It's hardly surprising, I suppose,

since it seems that bowlers are mainly worn

by private detectives and bailiffs.

(audience laughs)

- I'm dying for a cup of coffee.

Can I just have a sip?

- Oh, very well.

- Oh, thank you.

(audience laughs)

Oh, that was lovely.

It's much better than the canteen muck.

Taste that, Miss Brahms.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, isn't it lovely and creamy?

(audience laughs)

- Could I just have a sip to wash down my pill?

It's my blood pressure, you know, unless I take them

regularly I feel as though I am going to blow up.

(audience laughs)

- Please take it now, Mr. Grainger.

- Oh, it hasn't gone down.

(audience laughs)

Oh, it's very nasty.

- Yes, indeed.

- You're very quiet this morning, Mr. Humphries.

- I was just finishing off my dream.

(audience laughs)

I dreamt that there was this wild creature half man,

half beast came galloping towards me on a big, black horse.

I didn't know which way to turn.

(audience laughs)

I was absolutely petrified,

until I noticed he was riding sidesaddle.

(audience laughs)

- It's very difficult getting up early in the morning.

My wife insists that we still clean our teeth in the dark.

It's all very well for her, but I can't find my teeth.

(audience laughs)

- It must be magic being married to you, Mr. Grainger.

- You're late again, Mr. Lucas.

- Thank goodness you're all here.

- I said, you're late.

- Yes, very late.

- What is the excuse this time?

- I can't tell you, Captain Peacock,

the relief to see you all safe and breathing.

It was horrible, horrible.

- What was?

- Well, this dream that I had.

It was more of a premonition, really, you see.

I dreamed that I woke up, streaked here

so as to be on time.

(audience laughs)

Came up in the lift right here to the department

and when I got here, you were all sitting around the table,

motionless, just like that, with your mouths open.

- I think it's come true.

(audience laughs)

- What a horrible dream.

What happened then?

- Well, I just touched Captain Peacock on the shoulder,

you see and he just fell over slowly out of his chair

and crashed down onto the floor and broke into hundreds

of little pieces.

I was just putting humpty together again, when I woke up.

- Why should that be an excuse for lateness?

- I was having trouble with your head,

you see, Captain Peacock.

(audience laughs)

Every time I put it back on, you sort of unbalanced

and fell off your chair again.

It's not at all that big either, is it?

- Sit down, Mr. Lucas.

- Well, if we're all assembled.

- Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

- Well, the problem before us is the fall

in our sales figures over the past month.

(audience laughs)

And how we are going to rectify it?

We have all had a further 12 hours to think over

this problem, and I feel sure you've all come to the meeting

full of ideas and suggestions.

- Ooh!

(audience laughs)

- I don't think that's such

a good idea after all, Mr. Mash.

- I think you should do that in the fitting room.

- I don't think he should do it anywhere.

(audience laughs)

At 20 past eight in the morning

it's more than flesh and blood can stand.

- Yes, I think you'd better stop, Mash.

- Shall I powder her down, sir?

- Certainly not.

- But she's still got a wet--

- Never mind, Mr. Mash.

(audience laughs)

Just leave the floor.

- Oh, all right.

Marvelous, isn't it, eh?

Bloody marvelous.

I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll take her to the staff changing room

We'll have a shower together.

- Better make it a cold one.

- I think you'd better wait until the store's closed,

and then do it somewhere where no one can see you.

(blows raspberries)

(audience laughs)

- Creaky arms, sir, needs a bit of oil.

- Well, as I was saying how are we going to increase

our figures?

Let's run a few ideas up the mast and see who salutes them.

- Why don't we have a sale?

- We had a spring sale a month ago.

We can't go on having sales without any reason.

- Why don't we do like the petrol stations

give away plastic footballs or tankards?

- That's going to be a big draw in my lingerie.

(audience laughs)

- In the sports department,

they've just had a famous golfer autographing clubs.

- But what sort of person could we get

to autograph trousers?

(audience laughs)

- Errol Flynn would have done very well.

(audience laughs)

- Well, I'm not having Raquel Welch

autographing one of my bras.

- Who needs Raquel Welch?

The way you're stacked, you've got enough space

for the whole of the Manchester United.

(audience laughs)

- If I have any more of your lip,

I'll come over there and smack your chops.

I'm just in the mood.

(audience laughs)

- Order, order, please.

- Now, how about advertising in the local newspapers?

Something like, you get a square deal at Grace Brothers?

- We'd be in trouble with the trades descriptions act.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, I don't know.

I mean, you couldn't have squarer clothes

than what we've got.

(audience laughs)

- What do you mean, Mr. Lucas?

- Well, we're not exactly trendy, are we?

Look at all the fuss you made the other week

when I came in wearing high-heeled shoes.

- It wasn't the shoes it was that walking stick

you had to stop yourself from falling over.

(audience laughs)

- Anyway, I think they look ridiculous on men.

- Well, I like them.

All the pop stars wear them.

- Mr. Lucas is not a pop star.

- No, but pop stars set the fashion.

- Are you suggesting we should all dress like Bing Crosby?

(audience laughs)

- I don't think that Bing Crosby

would would help the sales on this floor.

- Now, do we have any sensible suggestions?

- Yes, sir, I have.

After I came out of the army,

I made a study of sales technique.

There was a theory that a moving display

has more impact than a static one.

- [Both] True.

- Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers

moving about more?

(audience laughs)

- How do we achieve that?

- A couple of dozen pairs of electric legs?

(audience laughs)

- I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.

- Well, how does that affect my department?

- Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up

and down on the counter?

- Wouldn't that be very expensive?

- We can have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up

and down on the counter.

(audience laughs)

That should make a big enough impact.

(audience laughs)

- That's it.

I am withdrawing to the canteen.

- Please Mrs. Slocombe, do bear with us.

I think Captain Peacock may be onto something.

- Make him apologize then.

- Lucas!

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe.

It's just that you're such a likable person

and such a sport, I find it difficult to think of you

as head of the ladies department.

- I shall accept your gracious apology,

but I suggest for the rest of this discussion

you shut your cakehole.

(audience laughs)

- What I had in mind, if I may be allowed to speak.

- Yes, do continue, Captain Peacock.

- Thank you.

- You know, I'd always thought he'd get on

ever since I saw him in college rhythm.

(audience laughs)

- Saw who?

- Bing Crosby.

(audience laughs)

- We've left that some time ago.

- I know, 1935.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Grainger, may I speak?

- Oh, you saw it too, did you?

It was fun.

(audience laughs)

- Look, we'd better get a move on.

I've still got to touch up my mouth.

It'll be opening time soon.

(audience laughs)

- Do get to the point, Captain Peacock.

- I think I have the solution.

I suggest that we have a fashion show.

- Well, he's run it up the mast.

Who's going to salute it?

(audience laughs)

- I don't mean a fashion show in the accepted sense

of the word, I mean, where one shows off exotic creations.

No, I mean, a down-to-earth fashion show

where we demonstrate to the man in the street

that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within

the reach of his pocket.

- And what about the woman in the street?

- Unisex!

- I beg your pardon?

(audience laughs)

- I mean a show for both sexes.

I don't think your idea for a men's fashion show

would get us anywhere, but my idea for a unisex show

seems very original.

- But I thought unisex meant men and women

in the same clothes.

- It does.

- Does it?

Perhaps I meant bisexual.

(audience laughs)

- No, I don't think you meant that, Mr. Rumbold.

- Perhaps we should call it a man

and woman's fashion parade.

- Or better still, a male and female modes on the move.

Yes, that's it.

I don't think your idea for a man and woman's fashion parade

would have any appeal at all, but my idea for male

and female modes on the move has fantastic appeal.

Agreed?

- Oh, yes, Mr. Rumbold, yes.

(audience laughs)

What a pity you couldn't have thought

of something like that, Captain Peacock.

- Yes, it needs an executive mind to come up

with something of that sort.

(audience laughs)

- One has a certain responsibility to produce ideas.

- Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

- Or indeed the bowler hat.

- All I have to do now is to approach young Mr. Grace

and convince him that it's a good idea.

- That you've had.

- Yes.

- Well, you'll have to convince him that it's

a very good idea before he forks out a couple

of hundred quid for six mannequins.

- As much as that?

- It'd be cheaper to have electric trousers

and Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the,

I'm sorry Mrs. Slocombe!

I'm sorry, I just got carried away.

- Yes, well, it's up to me now to get over

the financial problem.

If I run into any difficulties,

we'll just have to have another session of the think tank.

- In which we think and it all goes in your tank.

(bell rings)

- Well, the store's open.

Places, everybody.

- I hope this is not going to take too long.

I'm supposed to be going to see Last Tango in Paris.

(audience laughs)

I got the okay from my heart specialist this morning.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, Mr. Grace, you just sit there.

What you're going to see is the fashion show

I told you about.

- Did you?

Oh, yes. yes, I remember

Yes, male and female moods in the mauve.

(audience laughs)

- Modes on the move.

The fashion show to help the falling figures.

- Are we going to see girls in corsets?

(audience laughs)

- No, sales figures Mr. Grace and if you like it,

then we'll have one.

- Have one what?

- A fashion show, sir.

- Well, I thought we were having one.

- No, this is just a demonstration to show you

what we have in mind.

It's aimed at the man in the street

and the woman in the street.

- You mean tarts?

(audience laughs)

- No, sir, just ordinary people.

Are you ready with the microphone, Mr. Lucas?

- Ready when you are, Mr. Rumbold.

- Then carry on, Mr. Lucas.

(jazzy music)

- First, we have Bobby.

(audience laughs)

(audience clapping)

Spring is in the air but beware of the winter wind.

(audience laughs)

But Bobby's keeping warm as toast

in a cozy crombie, inspired by James Bond

in You Only Live Twice.

(audience laughs)

Is that a storm approaching?

Bobby doesn't care.

He's got his snap-up Japanese brolly.

(audience laughs)

Bobby's Great Gatsby hat will stay dry as a bone

and Bobby's tootsies will stay dry as well,

thanks to his ever tough streetwalkers.

(audience laughs)

Hat three pounds, shoes 9.50, cozy crombie

from Grace Brothers, 44.95.

- And, I'm extra.

(audience laughs)

- Well done (clapping).

Very good, very good.

(audience clapping)

- Doesn't that boy look like our Mr. Humphries?

- That was our Mr. Humphries, sir.

- Oh, he has left us?

(audience laughs)

- No, sir, but you wouldn't pay

for professional models until you were convinced

it was a good idea.

- And now we have Tania and Tony.

(audience laughs)

Home from the office and so to bed.

- Wait for me!

- Oh, come on!

- [Lucas] Leap into bed in our snug-as-a-bug

range of sleepwear.

- That's not Grainger's wife, is it?

- No, sir.

- He always was a bit of a lad.

(audience laughs)

- [Lucas] Tony's tired, so he's off to bye-byes.

So it's off with the dressing gown to reveal

(audience laughs)

to reveal--

- It's knotted.

- Tony's got knotted, so he's not going to

reveal anything at all.

So let's turn our attention to Tania, and I must say,

that's not too difficult at all.

Tania is wearing one of our new range

of naughty 90's nighties, note the cherries.

(audience laughs)

It's made for dream time, but if she wore it to a ball,

who'd notice the difference?

- Well, I would for one.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Lucas, I'm ready!

- Not now, Tony, not now!

- Well, what shall I do?

- Go and snuff out Tania's candle.

(audience laughs)

And now for something completely new, an evening creation

as inspired by Susan Hampshire

in the palaces as worn by Naomi!

(audience laughs)

(audience clapping)

How graceful this fashion was.

(audience laughing and clapping)

How lucky she had her parachute with her.

(audience laughs)

Well, perhaps all the girls will be wearing

one of these soon.

- Over my dead body.

(audience laughs)

- Dress material obtainable in ladies bespoke.

And so we say farewell to Naomi.

And so we say farewell to Naomi.

- Oh, belt up!

(audience laughs)

- [Lucas] An echo, an echo from the elegance of yesteryear.

- Just one more to come, Mr. Grace.

- I hope it'll be quick.

I don't want to miss the Mickey Mouse.

(audience laughs)

- And now, showing us his city suit,

from our new tycoon range, we have Rodney!

Confident in his casual elegance, Rodney is ready

for a board meeting with the captains of industry.

There is ample fullness in the chairman's seat.

(audience laughs)

Plenty of give in the arms

for those transatlantic phone calls.

Concealed pocket for the key to the executive loo.

(audience laughs)

Red lining to gain sympathy during talks with the workers.

Rodney's day's work done,

there's no need to change his suit.

It's formal enough for the board,

but also trendy enough to call at that penthouse flat

for that society bird, who is preparing

to look her very best for the man in a tycoon suit.

(audience laughs)

- Oh blimey!

Ain't there no privacy anywhere?

- Now we will see all of them in the grand finale.

(majestic music)

(audience laughs)

- Enough Mr. Lucas.

(clapping)

- Very good, well done, well done.

- Well, sir, what do you think of that, Mr. Grace?

- Who's idea was the fashion parade?

- Mine, sir.

- Well, I think it's a rotten idea.

(audience laughs)

- Or was it mine?

- Yes, it was.

- If you want to sell goods, you'd better have a sale.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, and Peacock?

- Yes, sir?

- I wonder if Mr. Rumbold hasn't told you before.

That hat doesn't suit you.

You should get yourself a bowler and wear it all the time.

(audience laughs)

Don't you agree, Mr. Rumbold?

- Absolutely, Mr. Grace.

- Thank you, sir.

- Well, goodbye, everybody.

- [All] Goodbye, Mr. Grace.

- You've all done very well.

- [All] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

(audience clapping)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods,

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas

♫ Going down