Original subtitles

You know, my dear Paul, all my life,

I have judged and sentenced people...

I have judged my wife, my children,

I have judged my brother, and I've even judged you sometimes.

And then, one day, out of the blue,

you suddenly realize that you are all alone.

The Tumblebeck trial is taking a toll on you.

Yeah. Do you want to know why?

Because I judged him. Because I sentenced him.

And because I was wrong.

Ma'am, may I please enjoy

a Friday night special in your company?

Karl!

We thought that your sister Sara died of natural causes,

but a 2nd examination indicates

that your sister was poisoned.

For your own safety, stop your investigation.

I am the Attorney General, I know what I'm talking about!

Pierre, my sister Sara was the most important person to me.

This life robber must pay.

Pierre, what happened to your neck?

It's nothing, just a shaving cut.

I just received the results

regarding the substance we found in your sister Sara's blood.

The poison was made with scorpion venom.

Scorpion.

Pierre! The killer is Pierre!

Pierre...

This way!

I'm here!

You just watched the season finale

of Justice's Law.

Next week, at the same time,

don't miss the premiere of Movie-Presents.

So?

So what?

Well... What do you think?

It's on par with the rest of the season, I think.

Could you be a little bit more specific?

You know, find an adjective or something?

Well, I'm not an expert.

Mom, I can't sleep!

"Incongruous."

That's the adjective I would use.

Come.

Hello, this is Patrick's home line.

Hello, my dear!

You must be celebrating the season's finale

of your beautiful series!

I'm calling to congratulate you.

I just watched the last episode and...

I thought it was good.

And I saw the ad with the little critters...

They're pretty funny! Funny and filthy!

This is the story of Denis and Patrick,

two screenwriters with unlimited ambitions,

but limited talent.

In 2010, a popular TV network hired them to write

the screenplay for a new legal and crime TV drama

named Justice's Law.

Despite a sizable audience,

and an average 25% market share,

TV critics lambasted the series.

Even the most lenient critics

had to underscore the flaws

of the ridiculous and unbelievable storyline.

After the last episode was broadcasted,

Denis and Patrick, bitter and exhausted,

decided to meet in their favorite bar,

in order to celebrate their massive failure.

We should have put tits everywhere!

The little lawyers, pleading topless,

topless assistants,

topless judges, men, women, who cares...

Everyone showing their tits, with holes in their stupid gowns

so we can see their stupid tits...

You like saying the word "tits".

Yes, I like it. Tits!

You see... Nobody gives a damn!

Look around you, nobody's paying attention to us.

Mathieu said hi to us.

Mathieu didn't say hi.

Mathieu asked you what you wanted to drink.

And haven't you noticed how slow he is at helping us?

Mathieu, two more beers and two vodkas.

We are done!

Excuse-me,

can I ask you a favor?

I wrote the screenplay for a stupid TV show,

but I'm still a human being.

Denis? What are you doing?

For 11 years, Judith has been

a model spouse for Denis.

Now, her heart is somewhere else,

but Denis doesn't know it yet.

"Last night's episode could have been, like the rest of the series,

simply hard to digest,

but it actually turned out to be nausea-inducing."

"Thanks to the writers who have come up with a 'great finale'...

'great finale' in quotes"...

Bastards!

"...taking their lurid and annoying story-telling to the next level

by showing us Val�rie drifting down a raging torrent

yet remaining perfectly able to solve

the convoluted and utterly opaque plot we've tried to follow

for 11 painful episodes

before the dull and incongruous finale."

Damn it, "incongruous"!

"Have the two writers responsible for this complete failure ever thought

about the meaning of the word 'verisimilitude'?"

OK, enough self-flagellation!

To the end of a beautiful dream.

To the end of a beautiful dream.

Can I tell you what I think?

I do appreciate your efforts

to protect me from the rest of the world,

but if you disagreed with the article, you wouldn't have thrown it away.

You would have read it again with me, and it would have made us laugh,

we would have called her an idiot...

Maude?

It's over with Dave.

My God...

Sorry, I didn't know you were here. I didn't hear you coming in.

She's going to sleep in our basement for a week.

Your TV show is not everything.

Say what you want, motherhood is not for everyone.

It's heartbreaking...

Yep, I heard.

Welcome back.

Hello, Rodrigue.

The "star" is back.

So? Did your thing work out in the end?

Yes... We're pretty happy.

We all watched it here.

Have a good day!

-Hi, Chantal. -Hi.

Are you working for Marie-Jos�e?

"American cinema and consumerist logic", right?

Yes, I said I wanted to come back,

and this is an opportunity. I'm going to take over her course.

Hopefully you won't see this as a failure.

Do you think you can use your experience

to enrich your class?

Or maybe not?

Excuse me. L�a!

L�a teaches Literature.

She just received a call from her publisher

who told her he was planning on destroying

the remaining 1,200 unsold copies of her first novel,

The Birthright's Distress,

in order to make some room in his warehouse.

The initial print run for the book was 1,300 copies.

L�a! Wait!

Look, I know you haven't opened my emails

so I'm going to sum it up for you.

It ended yesterday.

It was my worst experience ever.

I feel totally relieved.

I'd like us to start dating again.

And you were right. So I'm sorry, OK?

I find your series misogynistic.

How so?

I saw hookers and girls who get dragged by their hair.

That's about it.

Yeah, the hair... It was Denis' idea.

I did notice three or four good ideas.

They were my ideas by the way.

How is your relationship doing?

Me and Denis?

I haven't seen him for a month.

Will you answer if I call you tonight?

Don't call too late.

At the end of the day, Denis and Patrick went

to their producer's office

for a last post mortem

to seal the demise of Justice's Law.

Hi, guys!

Hi.

Hi.

All right, I know you've read the articles...

No, Louise, let me stop you right there.

If you ask us to stay positive one more time,

I will shit on your table.

That's not at all what I was about to say.

I wanted to tell you to stay realistic.

That's all. Come and take a look.

There you go. Take a look.

Henri has compiled every article about the series

since its first broadcast.

Look, percentages don't lie.

Nice work, dear Henri!

Those charts are beautiful!

Surprisingly,

43% of critics are "very positive"

and 78% are between "average" and "very positive".

We don't read the same papers.

I don't know which ones you read, but some people read these...

Here...

Of course, if you start including

the Courrier de l'Estrie and CKOX Radio-T�miscamingue,

it's not going to look as bad.

I sent all this to the broadcaster this morning.

"The sinuous plot,

increased tenfold by the musical environment proved to be."

Yes.

It's not even a full sentence. "Proved to be" what?

"The plot proved to be"... Look, it's very clear.

Reading this doesn't help, Louise.

To tell you the truth, we didn't plan to stay here too long.

We came by to pick up our checks, that's about it.

All right!

Regardless,

I have something to tell you.

You can feel sorry for yourselves all winter long,

but no matter what,

plan on being back at work

on your computer at some point,

because I just heard...

that they ordered a second season!

Same budget, same time slot! They're losing their shit!

Our audience has kept on increasing week after week.

The show is a hit, guys! Holy shit!

It's a hit!

What do you say?

It's out of question.

It's like a nightmare that never ends.

I'm warning you, I might start crying again.

Hi, man.

Patrick Bouchard?

Hi.

Nice meeting you. Denis Rondeau?

-Yes. -I'm a fan.

Thank you.

One of your characters really moved me.

-Really? -Yes.

The one who ends up in jail.

Which one?

Short blonde guy, early 20s.

Right, Marc Arcand!

It makes you laugh?

Only the name, it always makes us laugh.

Marc Arcand, Marc Arcand, Marc Arcand. It's hard to say!

It's just that I can feel

that this guy is dealing with pain.

True suffering.

We don't know anything about him but...

It's as if something tragic was happening within his persona.

Anyway, that's how I felt.

No doubt his life is tragic with a name like that!

So you find pain laughable?

We're laughing... but it's only because of the name.

Your show sucks.

It was a pleasure.

Look, we are very tired, we didn't want...

My name is Marc. OK?

Guys!

I wanted to apologize for earlier.

I did time in prison, guys.

There was a tragedy inside of me.

When I was 8 years old, I suffered a terrible trauma.

I've started a therapy to recover from it.

I imagine you find that laughable as well?

I have the feeling that rape must also make you laugh?

OK. Man, we are sorry for what happened earlier...

My last name is Arcand!

My name is Marc Arcand!

OK, we weren't laughing at you. He's just a character for us.

This is totally random, we don't know you...

A father who rapes his 8-year-old son?

Do you think it's funny?

Wow, calm down, buddy!

I'm going to give you an action scene!

Holy shit!

Are you nuts? Stop it!

Stop it!

Please stop!

Stop! We don't even know each other!

If you don't know someone, then keep your mouth shut.

Assholes!

Denis, are you OK? Talk to me, man! Denis!

Maude is really miserable, she's going to sleep with me.

You can sleep downstairs.

I totally swear!

Literally: "This life robber must pay."

Isn't there some form of derision in there?

Some off-beat humor?

Not at all. It's totally meant to be serious.

But it's painful.

It's painful for him, for sure, but for me as well.

Everything he touches turns to shit.

-You should go to the hospital. -Judith, I'll be all right.

I checked some YouTube videos

on how to deal with such wounds.

It was very easy to understand.

Thank you.

I'll be back.

-What are you doing here? -Can I look into your library?

-What? -I just need to take a look.

It won't be long.

Does it ever occur to you that you might be bothering me?

Am I bothering you?

Hi, Denis.

-He's leaving. He's looking for... -A book.

Are you OK?

Yes. I'm leaving.

No worries, make sure you get to catch up,

I know you haven't seen each other for a whole month.

It won't be long.

Jesus Christ!

-How soon can you get away? -Jesus Christ!

I know this is awful timing,

but I really need you to come with me.

-No way. -It's a major emergency.

Do you see my face? I've hit rock bottom.

I need psychological help!

I got mugged!

No. It's totally impossible.

OK, I'll be waiting for you in my car,

come and join me as soon as you can. Thank you!

-Wait... -Thank you!

I don't think you realize

all the sacrifices I've made for your stupid TV show.

Of course, it's my TV show now!

Here I am, two years later, left with nothing,

and just when I'm thinking...

No, the very night I'm thinking

that I might actually get some of my life back,

you come out of nowhere with your leprous face.

OK, shut up! This is the place.

Tell me what we're doing here,

because if you don't,

I'll break what's left of your face.

-Do you have your cell? -Of course.

Does it have a flashlight?

-Yes, why? -Turn it on.

Why?

To be able to see in there.

We don't hear an alarm, but it could be silent.

Come over here, I have some instructions for you.

Flashlight.

Here. Now, please listen to me.

In your hands, you're holding the book

1001 Riddles for Rainy Nights.

I used to wonder why you had it in your library,

but now I'm glad you did.

In the "Difficult" section,

you're going to pick a riddle randomly,

and you're going to read it to me.

Afterwards, I swear, I'll explain everything.

They're short. Go ahead.

-Which one? -Pick any of them.

"Difficult" section.

I can't believe it! OK, "The Elevator Riddle".

"Every morning, a man living on the 20th floor

takes the elevator to the ground floor to go to work.

Every night, when he comes home,

he takes the elevator to the 10th floor

and then takes the stairs to the 20th floor.

Why doesn't he take the elevator to the 20th floor?"

-Can I go now? -OK. So the man lives

on the 20th floor,

goes to the ground floor, and then on to work.

He comes home from work, takes the elevator to the 10th floor.

What are you doing in there, you idiot?

OK, don't get me out until I solve the riddle!

What are you talking about?

You're wearing boots, you can't swim!

You're going to drown!

I think our finale was plausible,

and I'm going to prove it!

Val�rie drowning in the river...

while solving the enigma, that's totally possible.

My brain is hyperactive right now.

My thinking is not impaired. It's enhanced!

I can't be a part of this anymore!

My ideas are extremely clear.

I could repeat the riddle...

OK, no need to repeat the riddle.

At least one of us should escape madness.

Come on, swim where you can stand!

-I'm doing... very well. -You're an asshole!

He's driving me nuts!

Denis!

Jesus!

He's a midget!

What are you talking about?

The riddle... The elevator...

He's a midget!

Bring me the book.

Give me the keys, I'll wait in the car.

-Bring me the book, I want to know! -Denis!

The book for the keys, OK?

Yes, the midget can press the ground floor button.

But when he comes back from work,

he can only reach the 10th floor button.

So he has to take the stairs

to get to his apartment.

-No, read the answer to me. -The book for the keys.

Read the answer!

He's a midget.

Here, take your fucking keys.

I can't believe I felt your tongue.

I took advantage of the situation to give you a French kiss!

I'm telling you. I felt your tongue.

Sorry I offended your manhood,

but I am not a registered nurse!

I did it the same way they do it in Jaws 2:

I blew air in your mouth.

-Jaws 2? -Yes, Jaws 2.

Chief Brody resuscitates his son who just survived

the shark attack.

I used the same method.

Thank you, Roy Scheider.

You could say "thank you, Patrick", as well.

Thank you, Patrick.

No, I'm telling you, our finale was plausible.

I know now, because I experienced it myself.

In a swimming pool, Jesus! Get over it!

I'm calling Louise to confirm we're in.

Is there still water in your ears?

What part of "I won't do it" don't you understand?

I just had an epiphany. I need you, Patrick, OK?

L�a, it's me.

I just wanted to tell you

that I just ended my relationship with Denis.

It's over for real.

I'd like you to come back. There's some wine left.

Well, I'll be here waiting for you.

-What are you doing? -Wow!

You were just eating out my girlfriend?

Denis, it's not what you think.

We were just experimenting. We've been drinking all night.

When I drink, I don't end up sucking off my buddies.

What's going on? You're all wet.

So are you, obviously.

This is not turning into a threesome...

No worries.

I have more important things to do to take control of my life.

What are you doing?

It seems that everything I touch turns into shit.

Good night.

Judith has become a lesbian.

Can I ask you one last favor?

Can you drive me to my cabin?

I don't want to sleep at my place.

And I don't want to sleep here, that would be too obvious.

I want Judith to worry.

It's 1:36 am.

I've been disfigured, I almost died,

my girlfriend has become a lesbian. I'm only asking you...

OK, I'll get you some blankets.

No, I want to go sleep in my cabin!

Denis, I'm tired, I have a class at 9:00 am tomorrow.

OK, if you drive me to my cabin,

I will leave you alone for one month.

Have you thought about what I told you? About season 2?

Look, Denis, no more talking while we drive...

We must have left

about one hour ago, right?

It's very dark around here...

I don't know this area very well.

I have something to tell you.

More like a confession actually.

I don't think you're going to like it.

Judith and I... We...

We sold the cabin one month ago maybe.

We did pretty good.

We made a decent profit considering how much we bought it for.

But we don't own a cabin anymore.

Get out!

-You want me to get out right here? -Get out!

-OK, great. -What do you mean, "great"?

This is the perfect place.

Marc Arcand was right:

when you don't know, shut the hell up.

The pool has opened my eyes!

Shut up! Enough of that!

In the finale, Val�rie wakes up lost and disoriented.

I'm going to get lost in order to write the next part.

Are you familiar with the effects of hypothermia?

You have to experience pain before you write about it.

If we follow your stupid logic, to write about Judge Boivin,

I should experience a car accident?

Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

Just make sure it's a minor accident.

-What's that? -Sleeping pills.

Val�rie was unconscious, and I should be too.

You crazy sicko, spit it back out!

-Nope. -Spit it out!

Will you spit it out?

Too late, I swallowed them!

You've wasted two years of my life, but now, it's over!

If you want to keep on wasting yours, be my guest!

There you go! Go back and live the dull life that you hate!

Go and see your little students.

You'd love to fuck them,

but you never will

because you always go back to L�a...

L�a and the foam dripping from the side of her mouth...

You've always thought it was disgusting,

but suddenly, you're OK with it,

-because you're desperate! -Watch your mouth!

You don't love L�a. You've never loved her.

I'm offering you a groundbreaking screenwriting experiment!

An experiment that could give

new life to the creative process!

But if you'd rather go back

to your fucking boring lectures on Orson Welles,

even if no one cares, be my guest!

So you're asking me to choose

between you and Orson Welles? Is that right?

Yes!

Wait! I need my handcuffs!

I can't do it without my handcuffs!

L�a, I know you're there, I can hear your cell.

OK, I'll stay here until you open the door.

I triggered the alarm.

I love you.

I know I've made some bad choices,

but I want you to know that I regret making them.

You know, one day, out of the blue,

you realize that you are all alone.

Isn't that the Judge Boivin's line in the finale?

No. I don't know. I'm not the one who writes these parts.

I'm seeing someone else, Patrick.

Tonight was just a way for me to confirm my decision.

What's your decision?

Look, I'm only asking you to wait five minutes.

I'm going to talk to them.

I'll tell them I triggered the alarm by mistake, then I'll be back.

Just five minutes!

I'll be back.

We just received a call...

Mister Fireman!

I think the smoke is coming from upstairs.

OK. Thank you.

It's me.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I'm calling to tell you

that I'm going to write season 2 with you.

Patrick?

This way!

Oh no! Were you in the car as well?

What? No. I just fell down.

OK, because we can't afford

to suffer another casualty.

Have you read the news? It's out.

We have a meeting with the broadcaster in two days.

They want to know about the new direction.

Have you done some work? Should we find you a new partner?