Original subtitles

Previously on "Impastor"...

Pastor Barlow knows more about Ray's death

than he's letting on.

She doesn't have anything concrete.

I need to know.

Are we in this together or not?

I want you to run for church president.

I worked with one of your undercover boys, the "Pastor."

Yeah, are we running an undercover op

in Ladner that I don't know about?

We have a murder weapon in the car!

I know we have a murder weapon in the car!

You two have a nice night now.

[James Hunter's "Hand it Over"]

And I hope you understand

I won't try nothing underhand with you

So do you want to talk about what happened?

You mean burying the gun?

I mean the sex.

Right, that.

Alexa, we've been through so much together.

I think I just got caught up in the moment

and wanted to try something I'd never done before.

Didn't feel like you'd never done that before.

- From this love of mine - Beginner's luck.

Don't you know...

Are you sure you're not straight?

- [chuckles] - You don't have to be ashamed.

People will understand.

Look, this is all pretty confusing.

I think I just need some time to sort things out.

Okay.

- Whoa-oh-oh - It was good, right?

[sighs] So good.

Hand it over right now

I had crossed the line with Alexa.

But why?

If I was just horny,

that was one thing.

But if I was falling for her,

then I was in the danger zone.

So did you fix it?

Do I have Internet again?

Yeah, you had a lot of viruses on here.

I don't know what sites you go to...

Mainly religious ones.

A lot of Old Testament stuff.

Some Young Testament too.

[chuckles]

Oh, you.

But you're all set now.

Oh, thank you, Russell. I owe you one.

I'm so glad you offered,

because there is something you can do for me.

Uh...

I want you to talk to my little brother's

little brother.

Isn't your little brother's little brother

your little brother too?

Just for a couple weeks.

My little brother is a Big Brother

to this kid named Austin, and since my brother

is out of town, I'm taking over.

I want you to give him some guidance.

Yeah, you know what, the thing is, I'm really busy...

Please, he's a foster kid. He's had a tough life.

I mean, his parents abandoned him.

Can you imagine?

Yeah, I could, since it happened to me.

Okay, sure. Bring him around.

I'll throw the kid a little wisdom.

Thank you so much.

Oh, by the way,

left you a new screensaver.

[groovy music]

Oh, buddy, can I see you for just a sec?

- Sure. - [sighs]

There's something I need to come clean about.

Sheriff Graham asked me to spy on you.

She did? Why?

[snorts] She has this crazy notion

that you have something to do with the Ray Florez killing.

He's the man who burned your car.

[scoffs]

That... that is...

Absurd, I know.

Can you think of a reason why she would even say such a thing?

Yes.

She feels I humiliated her,

so she's trying to besmooch my character.

Um, humiliated her how?

I told her Florez would commit arson,

and she failed to act.

I told everyone in town. Now she's pissed about it.

So she's trying to get back at you by...

"besmooching" your character?

Ugh. Buddy, that's awful.

Dora, let this be a lesson to you.

Many, many things people say about me

aren't true.

[jazzy music]

Hey, Buddy, just checking in.

Give me a call when you get a chance.

[sighs] Oh...

Just sign here and here,

and, Alden, while I have you,

I want to run a church idea by you.

Well, this is not the proper forum,

but I guess continue.

Okay, I think that we should get a multimedia projector.

That way, we can display song lyrics on a screen

and not just be limited to what's in the hymnal.

You want to go off hymnal?

Yes, I think it's time we modernized.

Not on my watch.

What's next, some Pink Freud laser show?

I think that it's a really good idea for the church.

And if you don't agree, then maybe we should have

Denied.

- You can't just... - No, no, no, no, no.

Nope, I am president,

and what I say goes.

[exhales sharply]

Good day.

Austin, tell the pastor why

you were suspended from school.

This douchebag, Mike Redmond, called me...

Little Orphan Austin,

so I punched him.

Clearly, Austin needs to learn

there are other ways besides violence

to deal with problems.

Russell, could you give us a minute?

- [door closes] - Austin.

Fighting is not the answer,

unless you know you're gonna win.

Are you the strongest kid in your school?

No.

Then you got to learn to fight with this.

The next time someone messes with you,

find a way to embarrass him.

Should I be taking notes?

My Mike Redmond was Teddy Cole.

Ugh, he was always picking on me,

but one time, he passed out at a party,

so I drew a Hitler mustache on him,

and I wrote the word "Shitler" on his forehead.

[laughs]

- Nice. - Didn't wash off for weeks.

Remember, when you get your shot at revenge,

make the most of it.

You know, they told me you were different, but man.

Hang on.

I got to rip you a new one.

If I ever see you back here again,

there will be consequences, young man!

Okay, okay! Take it easy, will ya?

I like you, kid.

You remind me of a young me.

So I'm gonna teach you the ten words

that will get you out of any trouble.

Hit me.

"I'm sorry.

"I was wrong.

It will never happen again."

[upbeat music]

Get out of here.

Well?

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

It'll never happen again.

Oh, come here.

Oh, Buddy, good.

I am thinking of running for president.

Of America?

Of the church.

Oh.

Hilva helped me realize that it is time

that somebody run against Alden,

but I don't want to do it without your blessing.

If you won, you'd still do all my shopping

and all the other junk you do around here?

Of course.

The only difference would be, you'd see Alden much less,

and I'd be out of the house a little more.

Pretend to think. Pretend to think.

Pretend to think.

All right, if that's what you want.

So I can count on your support?

- Absolutely. - Ah, good.

Because I am tired of letting that man walk all over everyone.

We're talking moral support, right?

Not actual work or anything.

[knock at door]

Pastor.

Oh.

I have a few more questions

about the Ray Florez murder.

Would you please stop badgering this man?

Dora, it's okay. I got this.

No. But if you're so convinced that he did something,

why don't you just give him a lie detector test,

and let's be done with this nonsense?

- He won't agree to that. - Of course he will.

Right, Buddy?

[suspenseful music]

The truth was, I didn't kill Ray Florez,

so why not?

All set.

Okay, just ask me the big question,

and let's get this over with.

That's not how this works.

We ask a few questions to establish a baseline first.

Lionel?

Is your name Jonathan Barlow?

[dramatic musical flourish]

Yes.

[whirring]

- Try another question. - Are you a pastor?

Of course.

[whirring]

[suspenseful music]

Do you identify as homosexual?

Yes, I do.

[whirring]

What the hell is happening?

I'm sorry, Sheriff. Something's off.

I-I-I can't establish a baseline.

- Ask that question. - It won't mean anything.

Did you kill Ray Florez?

No.

All right, what does that mean?

Does that mean he's lying?

Maybe he's an opposite guy.

That's not a thing.

I don't know what this all means,

other than the machine's not working.

Guys, I'm a very busy man.

[whirring]

I volunteered to answer your questions,

which no guilty person would do.

We're...

done here.

[upbeat music]

Hello.

What... what is this?

Some feeble joke?

No. No joke, Alden.

I'm running against you.

[scoffs]

You and what army?

- This one. - Mein Gott in Himmel!

Hilva is my campaign manager,

and we are looking forward

to a good, clean fight between competing...

We're gonna crush you like a bug.

- Mm-hmm. - You don't scare me.

Then why is your eye twitching?

'Cause it has to stay open to look at you!

There won't be a fight,

'cause I won't have to lift a finger to beat you.

Back it up, Otis. You've got room.

[truck beeping]

Yeah, there. Perfect.

- _ - [dramatic choral music]

[metal clanking]

What in the...

this is a no-skateboarding zone.

I don't see any sign.

Only one sign you need to see, mister.

- Right there. - Yeah, yeah.

Can I get my board back now, old man?

No, you may not.

Obviously your parents didn't teach you any manners,

so I will.

Now get out of here.

Go on...

Tony Hawk!

I know your name!

[door clicks and creaks]

Hey, what are you doing here?

I said I needed some time.

I'm here for the council meeting.

Oh.

Then why do you look so hot?

[laughs] This is how I always dress.

[sighs] You know, I'm sorry.

I'm still... I'm working through all the confusion.

And that cleavage does not help.

Buddy, I am really into you,

and I want to explore where this could go,

but I don't want to push you into anything

that you're not comfortable with.

So take all the time you need.

Is this some trick to make me like you more?

I should get to that meeting.

P.S., I'm not wearing underwear.

[lively music]

Okay, so let's begin.

Uh, I am church president,

and I say when we begin.

Proceed.

First up, the election,

which will be held Tuesday,

right after your town hall speeches.

My informal poll shows Dora with a slight lead.

Wait, no, uh, how can that be?

Yeah, I thought I'd be way ahead.

The thing is, Alden, there seems to be some voter fallout

from your situation with Ashlee.

What about when Dora had diarrhea?

Are they gossiping about that situation?

That was three years ago.

The memory is still fresh.

Okay, guys, let's keep this mature.

- He started it. - I did not.

Oh, God, Austin just got arrested

for vandalism.

[dramatic organ flourish]

I can't believe Austin would do such a thing.

I'll bet Dora got him to do it.

Yeah, probably.

Come on, Russell, get up there.

Come on, higher. Higher.

H-higher!

Yeah, okay.

[lively music]

What's gonna happen?

It's your first offense.

I'll be surprised if we don't walk out of here with a warning.

We?

Yeah, I know what it's like to be in your shoes.

I'm not gonna let you go through this alone.

- We got a court date. - For graffiti?

On a first offense?

Really? A court date?

It was just a silly prank.

You call it a prank.

The law calls it second-degree criminal mischief.

Can't you just let it slide,

as a personal favor to me?

[laughing]

That's good.

It's almost as funny as thinking

a faulty lie detector test

lets you off the hook.

Okay, whatever you think of me,

don't take it out on Austin.

Isn't there something you can do?

Sorry, even if I wanted to, I can't now.

The boy's in the system.

[dramatic music]

Why would he do something so stupid?

Kids.

This has Alden's stench all over it.

You really think that he would stoop to this?

Ha!

You have no idea how low that snake can go.

So how are you planning to attack him in the debate?

I don't plan on attacking him.

I plan on attacking the issues.

You can't bring a knife to a gunfight.

He's gonna push your buttons, throw you off balance.

[solemn music]

Here.

What's this?

Ammunition.

It's a list of things about Alden

that he would never want made public.

No, Hilva, I can't use this.

That would not be proper.

Oh, grow up, Mary Poppins.

Well, I'm sorry.

I want this election to be classy.

Spoken like a loser.

At least read number 14.

[sighs]

Oh, ew.

The doctors say it's vestigial.

But he can move it.

[gulps]

[upbeat music]

Welcome, everyone,

to today's presidential debate

between Alden Schmidt and Dora Winston.

Dora, you're up first.

[applause]

Thank you. Fellow congregants,

I believe that it is time for a change.

Why? What's wrong with our church?

Nothing. I just think we could use some improvements

like a new projection screen

so that we can bring the latest hymns.

Wait, now, wait. Now, who's gonna pay for that?

Banks don't take fairy dust, you know.

I actually thought we could increase revenue

by renting out our chapel for weddings.

Weddings... the only thing she's less qualified to talk about

than being president.

[laughter, indistinct chatter]

[mouthing words]

Look, I just want to make things better.

For who? You?

We all know you don't have much going on in your life.

Isn't that the real reason you're running for president?

No, I am running because I love Trinity Lutheran!

Friends, do we really want a leader

whose closest companion is her bird?

[gasps] You leave Scrunchie out of this!

Can we trust her to focus on the needs of this church

when she so desperately needs a man?

- [gasps] - [crowd exclaiming]

Yes, this church was built on family values.

Can we elect someone

who probably will never even have one?

Oh! Argh!

You take that back!

Ow, hey! I... I said probably!

Ow!

Buddy, do something!

I am. I'm watching.

Work his kidneys!

Work his kidneys!

- Ow! - [grunting]

Oh, all right.

Thanks for coming over.

[sighs]

So, uh, crazy day, huh?

Yeah, sorry Dora lost the election.

But at least she won WrestleMania.

Sorry about Austin getting arrested.

I know you were trying to help him.

I got a thing for kids like that.

They have no parents, nobody to look after them.

so they go through life alone, always in trouble,

and never trusting anyone.

Well, I'm glad that he has you.

[both chuckle]

So what did you want to see me about?

Listen, I've had some time to think things through,

and I've decided the best thing

is for us to stop sleeping together.

Okay, if that's what you want.

[upbeat music]

Buddy!

The council meeting is starting!

Hey, guys, let's have the, uh, meeting

in the dining room today.

Why?

Why?

Because there's a much better view in there.

Here you're just looking at the staircase.

Plus you're closer to the coffee.

All right, let's go.

I can't believe we're even debating this.

Oh, well, for heaven sakes.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

[upbeat music]

Yeah, look at this.

This is a beautiful room.

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

Hi.

You look a little ragged. Rough night?

I've barely slept a wink.

Well, I got stuff to do.

Enjoy the view.

Oh.

All right, let's get down to business.

Um, actually, before we begin,

I just want to apologize

for my outburst at the debate yesterday.

It was uncalled for and rather embarrassing.

Yeah, well, now, I am partially at fault.

I should not have been so, uh... so honest.

Also... [sighs]

I'm quitting the council.

all: What?

- No, what? - I just feel that my behavior

was unacceptable for a church officer.

Therefore, I will be stepping down

effective immediately.

- Denied. - What? No.

You can't deny my resignation.

I can and do.

Uh, may I have a word alone, please?

- No, Alden. - Could...

Anything you have to say to me,

you can say in front of the council.

Oh, good, I love being in

on other people's private conversations.

Now, Dora, I, uh...

I may not compliment you often...

Or ever.

But, look, everyone in this room knows that you

are the backbone of this council,

the one who... who makes it all work.

For the good of the church, I demand you stay.

Demand?

Ask.

Say "pretty please."

[sighs] Don't push it.

[stammering]

[sighs] Pretty please.

Okay, I'll stay,

on one condition:

that we get that new projector screen.

Approved.

Austin McCain?

Your Honor,

my name is Pastor Jonathan Barlow.

And I just want to say that Austin is a good kid,

a kid who's never been in trouble before,

a kid who has ten words he'd like to say.

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

It'll never happen again.

If you let Austin go,

I promise his entire support group

will watch over him:

me, Russell...

and of course the G-man Himself, Jesus.

So what do you say, Your Honor?

Pastor, Mr. McCain has shown a wanton disregard for property

and the law.

And quite frankly, I did not buy his apology.

It sounded rehearsed.

Austin McCain, I hereby sentence you to two years

at Murdock Juvenile Detention Center.

- [gavel bangs] - Two years?

For a Hitler mustache?

I can't believe this is happening.

Bailiff, escort Mr. McCain to the holding cell.

Your Honor, this isn't fair.

Another word from you, and I will hold you in contempt.

Come on, Buddy, don't make it worse.

Buddy!

[tense music]

We've got to do something.

I'm going to get a lawyer.

[sighs]

FBI. Come with me.

I know who you are.

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