Original subtitles

Come with us.

No, I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I mean, Jesus Christ. You're selling like $400 worth of mushrooms.

You can take the day off, a couple of days off.

No, dude, I'm in so much debt.

I can't, and I don't know these people at all.

I don't know these people.

We know each other. It's going to be a fucking blast.

Thank you for that.

So, we cool?

Yeah. Great.

All righty, here is an ounce.

Thank you.

For you.

So, how potent are these?

Uh, well, you know, I'm kinda chilling out on them at the moment,

and I would say like, one for fun and two for whoo!

Oh!

Mahalo.

You ready to roll?

Yeah, are you sure you don't wanna come with us?

(laughing) No, I'm p-pretty sure.

You have the night to decide.

The ship sails at first light.

Okay. (Australian accent) Bye, Beth.

(laughs)

See you, Beth.

Bye, Captain. Jesus, Chad, close this door.

That is gross!

Wayne: Fuck, did they close already?

Dinah: Yeah, we closed last week.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. You saw the workshop, that really never got better.

I'm sure it was amazing. You guys want some of this?

No. I have Percocet.

Okay. Chad!

For when Corey does his Marty McFly.

You're the worst.

Chad: I'm just saying that since Joe has had the kid,

he's not nearly as fun or funny--

Having kids doesn't make you unfunny.

There's plenty of comics that come on my show that have kids

and they're still funny.

Your show? My show.

My podcast. The Guy: Is this you in high school?

Oh, yes, that's at a 311 concert.

You look vaguely ethnic in that picture,

like Latino or something.

Thank you. Oh, shit.

? You've got to trust your instinct ?

(laughs, coughs) Take that out to people, please?

(sniffs) Are you trying to have kids, you and Claire right now?

I mean, not like right now, right now,

but basically like once her show with Lena gets picked up,

yeah, I think we're gonna start trying.

She wasn't ever supportive of that. Kabir: No, no.

I remember that. She was always a naysayer about it.

Kabir: I did stand-up, I tried to do stand-up just for fun.

Just to see what it would be like 'cause it was a dream,

and she showed up, and she heckled me.

And she brought all of her sorority sisters. What?

Yeah, they got drunk together, and they heckled me.

They're like, "Oh, it's..." Hey, buddy. Hey, man.

You guys were in the same improv troupe, is that what's going on?

I wasn't, they were all...

But you were like our mascot.

You were always at every show.

He was... It was adorable.

I wouldn't use the word "mascot," but yeah, okay.

Okay.

I should have married someone mature.

Mm-mm.

Are you guys okay?

Uh, if by okay, you mean do I want to stab my eyes out when I come home,

and he's watching reruns of "The Closer" and eating Skinny Cows,

then yeah, I'm actually really good.

Oh, it got real.

It's very real. We're fully subscribed to AARP.

Yo, I mean it is.

It's totally getting picked up,

but it's just not officially official yet.

But, you know, Lena knows this network exec,

who's basically the person who made "Girls" happen,

and they both really love it, so whatever.

It's kind of like a done deal, so...

Who's Lena, have we met?

I've been taking some classes at UCB.

Everybody's like way younger than me, so it's kind of awkward,

but it's fun and I wanted to pick your brain, at some point actually,

about like agents and managers and...

Like what is the difference between an agent and a manager?

Corey, these sausages are... good.

(imitating Marty McFly) Doc.

(laughing)

I came back in a time machine...

(laughing)

...that you invented.

Remember, I used to do Britney. Do Britney.

(sings unintelligibly)

No, your ex-almost fiance.

(all talking at once)

Almost, well, it's true.

And three.

(laughing) He pointed!

I do like to be around a lesbian.

I do have a large clitoris.

Ooh! Dinah: I mean, you could pretend it's a penis.

Wait, you're giving me the-- You're giving me bedroom eyes, and they're enchanting me.

Can we have a moment for Chad for putting this together?

Yeah! Dinah: This house is amazing!

Cheers. Chad: Thank you.

Thank God and cheers to Sabrina's family.

So thanks to them.

Who's Sabrina? She's his high school girlfriend.

I can't believe you're friends with your high school girlfriend.

It's mostly her family on Facebook and holidays.

But the party would never have to end

if we lived in an intentional community in Portugal.

(laughing) Hear me out.

We'd be able to grow our own food or weed,

(chuckles) raise our family,

do whatever we're doing,

and it never has to stop.

So come with me to Portugal.

Claire: Portugal? Go back to the old world.

Good luck.

Portugal? That's where Emeril Lagasse's from, right?

No, no, no, the place to go is Detroit.

That's where they're literally giving away artist housing.

No, no, no, that's a myth.

That's a myth, nothing's really happening down there.

Stay on the coast, that's the best lesson.

I mean, we could do LA.

It's easier for kids, and your parents are out there.

Yeah, but LA sucks, man.

(laughing)

New York is just-- I don't know.

I just feel like it ruins you for everywhere else, you know?

Yeah, that's true. Maybe.

Just a little fire.

It's wonderful.

Little fire? A massive fire.

It's some of your best work. I mean, this is stunning,

and if you could bring this energy...

Uh-huh. ...to a career.

(laughs)

Basically, I couldn't carry our second child,

which led to all sorts of jealousy issues

and ultimately led to the end of my marriage.

Whoa, wait a second.

I saw you give a talk on fertility at Brenna and Molly's.

That's how I know you.

Oh, my God! That's it! That's it.

You went to that weird, off-brand TEDx thing.

So janky. Get out of here.

Isn't life crazy?

(laughing) What?

We're friends?

What? Claire: Oh.

(mocking) What? We're friends? We hang out.

If you are truly friends, tell me one detail about him.

He's an awesome dude.

Wow. How much you wanna bet Dinah's like talking

his fucking ear off right now about her divorce?

Or telling him about her fucking interactive play that no one's gonna see

based on her blog about her mangled fallopian tubes.

Wayne!

Come on, she has endometriosis, you know that.

It was a little harsh, Waynie.

You guys, Jesus Christ, okay?

Dinah is my fucking girl.

She's just a dilettante, okay?

She's trying a lot of stuff in her life right now,

and God bless her little heart, it's not working, okay?

Nothing's catching.

Well, I mean, I know she's kind of upset and hurt

that you haven't put her show on the Index.

Claire? Yes?

I'm a paid arbiter of taste.

I can't play favorites in my job.

Playing favorites is literally the job description.

You don't get it. I do. I absolutely do.

Because you had no problem putting your partner's weird mime show in the Index.

You mean Teddy's reunion show with Bill Irwin?

I had a huge problem with that, okay?

It was deeply embarrassing to me.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Claire (scoffs)... I'm having trouble remembering,

when is the last time you went to one of Dinah's shows?

I'm just...

Yeah, nothing is coming up.

Okay, Wayne, why don't you have like five more drinks?

Oh, fuck you. Jesus, okay.

Look, your husband is the one that took us down the Dinah hole to begin with.

I was just "yes-and-ing" him.

"Dystopian Fallopian: A Trip Down the Dinah Hole."

(laughs)

You guys are being dicks, seriously.

Yes! Wayne likes it.

No, it's not. Wayne, the arbiter, likes it.

Yes.

Chad: Why don't we go see if we can pick up some hot townies?

Hot toddies!

You know, the bar probably has a better Tindr radius, so...

Let's do it. Let's do this.

It really pisses me off, all the shit he's saying about Dinah,

he's really talking about me.

No, you don't actually believe that.

Yes! (quietly) Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. He's getting off on it.

Well, he's jealous, all right? Yeah.

I'm never putting Claire in the Index.

What? Why?

Because she does not need a leg up.

It's like, just 'cause Lily Tomlin is her godmother,

she thinks she can shit out some low-rent web series

that's like, "We're friends. We're struggling.

We're artists in Brooklyn. Like, day in the life."

Like, "No, go to fucking cable, no."

(Kabir snoring)

(door closes)

(phone ringing)

Hello.

(on phone): It's Andrew, from Lindsay's office.

I've got Lindsay, Peter and Stephanie for you.

Oh, whole team, huh?

That can't be good.

(talking in distance) (sobs)

(sniffles)

(sighs)

(blender whirring)

(blender stops)

Good morning.

I would punch a toddler for a fucking egg and cheese on a roll.

Well, you can drink your coffee, hit the toddlers,

but don't eat anything for maximum mushroom fun, okay?

I'm going to throw up if I have mushrooms.

I can't do that.

Oh, do not worry, my baby, I made you some chocolates.

You won't even taste it,

and in a few hours, we'll have the smoothies when we need some nourishment

and the thought of chewing is beyond our consideration.

Thank you, Chad. You're welcome.

Hey, are those dosed one for fun or two for whoo?

More like three for whee!

Dinah: Nice.

You kind of talk to me like I'm a little kid.

I don't love it all the time. I like you, though.

Um, I think I'm just gonna actually stay around here today.

I don't really feel like 'shrooming. What?

I'm not feeling up to it. No.

Yeah, I'm not feeling up to it. I'm just gonna do like yoga and some emailing and...

Do you want... Do you want me to stay back? No.

Good morning. Good morning.

I have to go open the kennel, so I gotta run.

All right.

It was nice to meet you, Jackie.

I know, this was insane and really fun and weird.

Bye. Bye, everybody.

Say good-bye to Jackie. Bye, Jackie.

Have a really great time doing drugs today.

Thank you. Bye.

Very nice to meet you, Jackie. You, too.

We met her at the bar last night.

She's great.

Kabir, wake up, man! We gotta go!

? You put the Lyme on the tick ?

? And then it bite you in the ankle ?

? Put the Lyme on the tick ?

? And then it bites you in the ankle ?

? I say doctor ?

You need to stop. I need you to stop. (singing)

? Doctor ? How's everybody feeling?

I can feel it in...

(as Marty McFly) This is heavy stuff, Doc.

God. (as Marty McFly) I gotta get back.

That's the transition, just keep moving.

Hey, Chad, I think I'm gonna...

I think I'm gonna go solo this time, man.

I think I'm gonna head back.

Dude, are you sure? I'm taking you to the best thing.

(farts) (laughs)

Yes, Dinah?

I'm gonna head back, man, see ya.

All right, yeah.

You guys laugh, but that was all gluten. Have a good one.

(breathing heavily)

(whistling calvary charge) Oh, my God.

Okay, charge. Go.

We're in, let's go.

(whispering) Come on. Yes. No.

Wayne, Dinah, come here, take the canoe.

Corey, you're with me in the kayak.

Whose boats are these?

Oh, my God.

Chad: Don't worry it. They're never here in the summer.

Oh, my God. Corey, help me with this.

Wait, wait. Are you stealing this?

Is this actual theft?

Kabir... This is real theft?

Chad: We're just gonna borrow them and put them back.

Yes!

(gasps)

Hi.

(meows)

Are you ready? (laughs) Okay.

Pick it up by the handle.

Core? Yeah.

One, two... (exhales)

Oh, God, no--

...three, go. Now. Three.

Please warn! Please warn! (laughing)

This is fucking cra-- The water is ripple scrippin'.

Chad: Unhitch yourself. Okay.

Chad: Kabir, get in.

Son of a bitch. Suit yourself, D'Artagnan.

Stay here, the rest of us are gonna--

You all right? Fuck.

Corey, are you okay? My thing says "Tripper."

You're thieving from the Trippers.

Chad: That's the name of the paddle, not the people who own them.

Paddles don't have names. (chuckling)

Chips Ahoy!

You're gonna die. That makes no sense.

Kabir, you're not in a boat.

Wayne: Be free, Kabir. We're young, Kabir.

Stop saying Kabir! Wayne: Huh?

Kabir! Kabir! (laughs)

Kabir! Kabir!

Don't go in!

Chad: Our destiny lies in the middle of the lake!

Ah!

I'm so fucked up.

They passed on my show.

Yeah.

You look great. (sputters)

I love-- (laughs hysterically)

I love you!

I love you!

(sobbing)

I'm having a vision... of a helicopter,

but instead of the blades, it's penises.

(laughing)

What? What?

That's my worst nightmare. And its skids are penises, too.

I forgot what Corey does. What does he do again?

Yeah, he does the sausage thing he invested in.

They're all over New York.

That's great!

Yeah, and he does a comedy podcast that's horrible.

He does a really great Michael J. Fox.

Yeah, it's all he really can do.

That's why he got in our group,

but now he's not really funny after that.

Don't tell him I just said that.

This bitch loves cats.

Mm-hm.

(both laughing)

A field of now-swaying cocks!

Chad: That is beautiful, Wayne.

Thank you. That's really beautiful.

(crying) Man: Hey.

(gasps) Man: Hey.

Chad: Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, I fucked up. Wayne: What?

Hey!

I fucked up. We gotta go back in.

What? We gotta paddle back in, please.

Fuck.

Are we still within the bit? Paddle hard! This is not a bit!

What? This is hell. Are we still joking?

But now he's bored,

and he thinks that me pumping out babies

is going to give him something to do with his life.

Oh, it'll give him something to do.

Yeah, I'm fucking busy, though.

Well, you just said that your show didn't go,

so you're not busy.

(mimics explosion)

Oh, fuck. Sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, but my webs berries is my life.

Well, I never saw your webs berry.

but I think your life is your life.

Right?

You gotta get a picture of me in there.

Oh, nice.

This is too good. (chuckles)

Fuck, man.

I can't do this, your face is melting.

Oh, come on, it's so good.

The Guy: Your sequins are in sequence.

That's what I'm saying. Kabir: Hello?

Hey, man!

(Kabir mutters)

We're here, man.

Come on in.

Fuck. Oh, shit.

(panting) You guys are never going to believe what just happened.

I believe it.

Do you think Corey ever told Claire about the time you two hooked up?

Oh, my God.

I have not thought about that in so long!

I was so fucking drunk.

I just remember him passed out in the bathtub

and me just fucking pissing all over him.

Well. Wayne.

Yeah? I love you, man.

I love you, too, Chad.

But I hate you when you're drunk.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You drink more than anyone else.

I'm not calling you a drunk.

I'm just saying that you in particular

are super nasty when you drink.

And I don't want it to cost you your job

or your friendships or your partner.

Boyfriend. Boyfriend, whatever.

Oh, my God, the patterns on the ground are so distracting.

I know, right?

Wayne? Hm?

Like I said, I love you.

Oh, wow.

(exhales)

You know, I have never laughed so hard in my fucking life.

I got the giggles. I did.

I couldn't help it. Whose boats were those?

I don't know.

Dude, I was so certain that guy had like a gun,

and he was going to shoot me, and I was running so fast.

Where did you go?

Into a cemetery, man. (laughing)

And then I fell asleep on a grave.

(laughing) But I had some closed-eye stuff happen

that seemed important, I don't know.

That's great.

This is gross. Anybody want a michelada?

I'm good. Thank you.

No thank you. Kibir: Yeah?

No, I want some soup.

Hey, do you deliver to Brooklyn Heights?

Yeah, I get there a couple of times a week.

I'll give you my number before we go.

Okay. Claire: They passed on my show.

What?

Fuck them. Are you kidding?

You know what?

Now, you're going to have time to work on that feature with your dad, okay?

That's definitely getting made.

Yeah, it's not the same.

...like more experimental stuff in the Index. Oh, yeah.

Um, I've got something I want to do in the fall.

I don't have a space yet, but...

Okay, well, let me know, because Teddy knows people everywhere.

Really? Mm-hm.

Yeah, let's get lunch next week, or something.

Okay, next week's bad, but I am free like as the month goes on.

I'm serious. You're the worst.

Okay. The Guy: I'm feeling sentimental.

Is this on?

I just wanted to-- I just wanted to say to you all that

this is a very cool group of people that you have here.

Thank you for inviting me into it for these past couple days.

It's been fun. Thanks for coming.

And if anyone feels like throwing in some money for weed, I'll take it.

'Cause you smoked a lot. No problem.

I didn't smoke any.

This weekend is on me.

Okay, thank God.

Let me remind you, in the future...

if we do this again, it's gonna be in Portugal.

It never has to stop.

(as Marty McFly) What happens in the future, Doc?

I mean, do we all become assholes?

Ah! That's good!

Now, that's on! (car door slams)

Man: Who the Christ is up there?

Oh, hey, Bill!

Remember me?

Chad. Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing here?

It's cool. I talked to Sabrina.

She said that we could use the place while you were in...

Martha's Vineyard.

Sabrina's been dead for three years, Chad.

Oh, fuck.

Kabir: Hey, we're out of limes, man,

but I think like if I use grapefruit, maybe...

Who the fuck's this guy?

? ?

Kabir: What?

? Everybody needs a little leaf ?

? That can float them down to the ground real low ?

? But it doesn't matter to me ?

? I don't see the difference ?

? If you're falling or you're floating ?

? On a breeze coming down from the trees ?

? Oh, what do I know? ?

? Oh, boy, have you got a friend ?

? You're gonna need one this time ?

? I saw you in the mirror ?

? I must be going out of my mind ?

? ?

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