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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,625
(piano playing)
Joel: "With a passion for sustainable agriculture
2
00:00:02,625 --> 00:00:07,250
"and farm-to-table preparation,
Thomas Wellington cut his teeth at Blue Hill at Stone Barns.
3
00:00:07,250 --> 00:00:11,250
Now he brings a ten-course
tasting experience right into your home."
4
00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:13,708
Hey, buddy. Can you stop
playing, please? Thanks.
5
00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:16,125
Thomas Wellington?
She's never gonna let me hear the end of that.
6
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,958
Joel: This is gonna be so great.
You know how she is!
7
00:00:17,958 --> 00:00:19,500
You can relax,
you can get off your feet,
8
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:21,250
relax your back,
just enjoy yourself.
9
00:00:21,250 --> 00:00:22,875
Buddy, take that
out of your mouth.
10
00:00:22,875 --> 00:00:24,375
She is not going
to let me enjoy anything.
11
00:00:24,375 --> 00:00:25,750
She's gonna let everyone know.
12
00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:28,625
I've cooked dozens of dinners
with sciatica,
13
00:00:28,625 --> 00:00:30,375
and we used to host
upwards of 25 people,
14
00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:32,708
and she can't even be bothered
to cook for her own family?
15
00:00:32,708 --> 00:00:36,875
Well, at least the whole family
will be together, right? That's always nice.
16
00:00:36,875 --> 00:00:39,666
What about your daughter?
Is she bringing anybody home?
17
00:00:39,666 --> 00:00:42,708
I don't know. You think
Rachel tells me anything?
18
00:00:42,708 --> 00:00:45,833
Hm. What about Evan?
Is he married?
19
00:00:45,833 --> 00:00:48,083
I can't remember.
No.
20
00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:51,583
Do you wanna go to
a "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" taping with me on Monday?
21
00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,583
Paula Poundstone's
gonna be on.
22
00:00:53,583 --> 00:00:55,583
Oh, I was gonna ask you
if you wanted to come
23
00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:57,541
to my family's Seder
again this year?
24
00:00:57,541 --> 00:01:01,583
Um, I don't know.
Your sister's kind of a bitch.
25
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:04,333
(laughs)
She told me I looked like a puppet reject
26
00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:06,708
from "The Dark Crystal."
I'm so sorry.
27
00:01:06,708 --> 00:01:08,791
She, uh--
she was probably drunk.
28
00:01:08,791 --> 00:01:11,291
She was, like, going through
a really rough patch last year.
29
00:01:11,291 --> 00:01:13,916
I don't know.
She's chilled out a lot since you saw her, though.
30
00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:17,458
(vomiting)
31
00:01:17,458 --> 00:01:20,333
Rachel, you almost
finished in there? We're about to start.
32
00:01:20,333 --> 00:01:23,083
Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
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00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:26,083
Joel:
Can I pour you some wine? Yeah, that'd be great.
34
00:01:26,083 --> 00:01:29,708
Man:
Okay, hello everyone.Good evening, Waxman family.
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00:01:29,708 --> 00:01:33,833
Happy Passover. Um, so I want to
tell you guys a little bit, uh,
36
00:01:33,833 --> 00:01:38,083
about how much fun we're
gonna have. And here we go.
37
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,583
I just wanna make sure that, uh,
38
00:01:40,583 --> 00:01:44,833
that you guys have the most
relaxing Pesach possible, okay?
39
00:01:44,833 --> 00:01:48,541
All right.
Well, this night is different from all other nights
40
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:52,333
because you don't have
to worry about anything. (chuckles)
41
00:01:52,333 --> 00:01:56,708
Uh, okay. We've got some warm
hand towels right there for you.
42
00:01:56,708 --> 00:01:59,583
I'm gonna tell you guys a little
bit about the amuse bouche
43
00:01:59,583 --> 00:02:02,083
that Clive here is going
to be bringing around for you.
44
00:02:02,083 --> 00:02:03,958
It smells really good.
Thank you.
45
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:07,041
Thank you so much.
Why can't we eat?
46
00:02:07,041 --> 00:02:08,458
He's so cute. That's good.
47
00:02:08,458 --> 00:02:12,458
Okay, um, so these
are matzah balls, obviously. You guys know that.
48
00:02:12,458 --> 00:02:15,958
Um, they are organic, the flour,
and it is stone ground,
49
00:02:15,958 --> 00:02:18,708
comes to us from
the Pennsylvania Amish country.
50
00:02:18,708 --> 00:02:21,583
And I did carbonate, uh,
the water when I cooked them
51
00:02:21,583 --> 00:02:23,708
to add a bit of springy-ness
to the balls.
52
00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:26,958
And then we've got
some salty pickled okra. Okay?
53
00:02:26,958 --> 00:02:29,458
And that is the karpas.
54
00:02:29,458 --> 00:02:31,958
So drink up and, uh,
I do hope you enjoy.
55
00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:38,083
This smells like bacon.
What the hell is this?
56
00:02:38,083 --> 00:02:43,166
How do you know this person?
Is this a caterer friend of yours, Shira?
57
00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:45,666
I picked the caterer.
Let's just go with it.
58
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:50,125
It's different. It's-- let's
be different this year, okay?
59
00:02:50,125 --> 00:02:51,208
Just go with it.
60
00:02:51,208 --> 00:02:55,083
(group singing "Dayenu"
in Hebrew)
61
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:04,583
The Torah speaks
of four children asking about the Seder.
62
00:03:04,583 --> 00:03:06,625
One wise, one wicked,
63
00:03:06,625 --> 00:03:09,583
one simple, and one who
does not know how to ask.
64
00:03:09,583 --> 00:03:12,000
Did you just look at me
when he said wicked?
65
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,250
Yes. Yes, Rachel.
66
00:03:14,250 --> 00:03:16,875
Because everything
is about you. It's always about you.
67
00:03:16,875 --> 00:03:19,750
Yeah, and I wonder where
I learned that from, Mom? You got it from your dad.
68
00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:24,000
You're a narcissist.
You're an instigator, Mom. Crazy, psycho bitch.
69
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,875
(sneezes) Flowers!
70
00:03:25,875 --> 00:03:28,125
Honey, listen to me.
This hocus pocus shit?
71
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,250
This is why
you're not married.
72
00:03:30,250 --> 00:03:32,583
Okay, well, I'm not married
because I'm asexual.
73
00:03:32,583 --> 00:03:34,708
Guys, guys, let's-- "Haggadah"?
Evan: It's fine, but...
74
00:03:34,708 --> 00:03:37,500
Guys? He says...
Excuse me.
75
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,333
Miriam: Oh!
Joel: Why is this night
76
00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:41,125
different
from all other nights?
77
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:43,500
Evan: I had these
in my shirt for, like, an hour!
78
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:50,875
Were you on "Top Chef"?
Yes, I was.
79
00:03:50,875 --> 00:03:54,333
You have a good eye.
My hair was really different.
80
00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:56,000
It was about
three seasons ago.
81
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,458
It was just
two episodes, but...
82
00:03:58,458 --> 00:04:00,333
Tom Colicchio
seems like kind of a dick.
83
00:04:00,333 --> 00:04:02,333
You know,
he's actually not.
84
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:05,583
The coulis I made was
totally shit. He called it.
85
00:04:05,583 --> 00:04:11,333
Hey, was there bacon
in those matzah balls? It's kind of a problem.
86
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:15,125
Oh. Oh, God, what a shanda.
That is embarrassing.
87
00:04:15,125 --> 00:04:17,625
Yeah, no one said anything
about dietary restrictions.
88
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,250
Your husband said
that you were Reform, so...
89
00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:21,875
It's Passover.
90
00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:24,708
Can't argue with that.
91
00:04:24,708 --> 00:04:26,750
Excuse me.
92
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,500
(mocking) It's Passover.
93
00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:32,208
(group singing "Dayenu" )
94
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:54,000
Hey.
Hi.
95
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,250
Family, right?
Yeah, I know how that is.
96
00:04:57,250 --> 00:05:02,500
I don't think I've ever
attended a family function without Daddy's little helper.
97
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,875
You know what I'm saying?
Do you have some of that on you tonight?
98
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:09,625
I don't have any,
but I can call my guy and get some pretty quickly.
99
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,375
You do that.
100
00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:19,750
(knife chopping)
101
00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:22,750
Okay.
Thomas: Yeah, I'm working this party, so just,
102
00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:25,500
you know, call me
when you get here.
103
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,750
Yeah, okay.
Thomas: Okay, boss. I'll see you later.
104
00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:32,000
Oh, hey!
Hey, man. How are you?
105
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,458
So funny to see you
out here, like out of your natural habitat.
106
00:05:34,458 --> 00:05:37,250
Yeah. What's going on, man?
Are you still acting?
107
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:38,750
Oh, yeah.
No, that's going great.
108
00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:40,500
Although, earlier today,
I did have an audition
109
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,625
that went horrible.
Oh, no.
110
00:05:42,625 --> 00:05:44,375
Did you forget your lines
or something, man?
111
00:05:44,375 --> 00:05:46,250
No, no. It was nothing
like that. It was stupid.
112
00:05:46,250 --> 00:05:47,875
I was auditioning to play,
like, a protestor.
113
00:05:47,875 --> 00:05:49,250
And so I'm miming
114
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:51,500
like I'm holding a picket sign.
Uh-huh.
115
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:52,625
I thought I was doing great.
116
00:05:52,625 --> 00:05:53,833
The casting director
was laughing,
117
00:05:53,833 --> 00:05:55,000
so I pick up another sign,
118
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,833
and so now I'm doing
this fucking shit.
119
00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,500
(laughs)
Yeah.
120
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,125
Not that I haven't been
in this position before.
121
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:02,625
Hey,
haven't we all been there? No.
122
00:06:02,625 --> 00:06:05,583
Yeah, so anyways.
Um, yeah, what are you doing?
123
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:07,333
What are you up to right now?
124
00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:09,375
Cool. I probably
can't buy anything while I'm out here, right?
125
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:11,375
It's against the rules?
No, I can't do that, man.
126
00:06:11,375 --> 00:06:12,833
Sorry.
Ho-hum. All right, well,
127
00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:15,000
I guess I'll call you
later tonight. You'll still be around?
128
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,083
Yeah, I'll be around.
129
00:06:16,083 --> 00:06:19,875
Okay. Awesome. Bye!
130
00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:23,625
Ben, honey? Let Daddy
help you brush your teeth and put you in your pajamas.
131
00:06:23,625 --> 00:06:25,625
Hey, how much are you going
to give Ben for the afikomen?
132
00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:29,125
A hundred dollars.
A hundred dollars?
133
00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:30,750
Isn't that excessive?
134
00:06:30,750 --> 00:06:32,625
Just because you
and Dad are fucking cheap
135
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,875
doesn't mean Joel
and Shira have to be with their kid, Mom.
136
00:06:34,875 --> 00:06:38,083
Here it comes.
Poor, poor little Rachel.
137
00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:40,375
You're such a poor
little girl, aren't you?
138
00:06:40,375 --> 00:06:43,625
Rachel, you're drunk.
Why don't you go take a nap in the guest room.
139
00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:45,375
I don't need
recommendations from you.
140
00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:47,250
I don't know
who you think you are
141
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:48,833
since you've taken up
with those Jappy girls
142
00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:50,625
down at Vanderbilt
and got your dad
143
00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:53,208
to buy you that
little nose job, but whatever it is,
144
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:56,458
it is getting
extremely tiresome.
145
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:04,333
(singing to tune of "Dayenu")
? Please stop fighting ?
146
00:07:04,333 --> 00:07:06,166
? Please stop fighting ?
147
00:07:06,166 --> 00:07:10,208
? Please stop fighting,
you're ruining the whole night ?
148
00:07:10,208 --> 00:07:15,333
Hey, my guy's gonna be here in,
like, 15 minutes, so if you-- Yeah, whatever.
149
00:07:21,083 --> 00:07:24,916
(ringtone chimes)
150
00:07:27,541 --> 00:07:29,833
Evan: "Elijah is the symbol
of messianic redemption
151
00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:34,291
"at the end of time,
Miriam of redemption in our present lives.
152
00:07:34,291 --> 00:07:36,958
Let's stand for the welcoming
of Elijah the Prophet."
153
00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:39,166
Hey, Ben.
This is the part where we open the door for Elijah.
154
00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:42,708
Wanna go, buddy?
Go ahead, buddy. Check it out.
155
00:07:42,708 --> 00:07:45,583
(strumming guitar)
156
00:07:45,583 --> 00:07:47,458
Here we go.
157
00:07:53,791 --> 00:07:55,958
Hey, guys.
Elijah?
158
00:07:55,958 --> 00:07:57,833
What are you doing here?
Can I help you with something?
159
00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:59,958
Did I butt-dial you?
I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?
160
00:07:59,958 --> 00:08:01,583
This is hysterical!
161
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:03,333
Wait, we were just
opening the door for Elijah.
162
00:08:03,333 --> 00:08:04,791
Come on in, come on in.
163
00:08:04,791 --> 00:08:07,291
Evan, are you gonna introduce
us to your friend?
164
00:08:07,291 --> 00:08:10,583
Yeah, this is my--
uh, my guy.
165
00:08:10,583 --> 00:08:13,083
Miriam:
It's your-- your guy?
166
00:08:13,083 --> 00:08:14,958
Joel: Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
167
00:08:14,958 --> 00:08:17,083
Shira: Why don't you go upstairs
and look for the afikomen?
168
00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:18,416
I think Daddy hid it upstairs.
169
00:08:18,416 --> 00:08:19,708
Are you fucking kidding me?
170
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,666
You're ordering drugs
to my fucking house? No, I didn't.
171
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:24,083
Actually, it wasn't him.
Uh, I got a call from this guy.
172
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:27,833
I don't remember his name.
He kind of sounds like James Spader.
173
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:29,416
Like, "Hey, boss."
I knew it.
174
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:35,833
(men moaning)
175
00:08:35,833 --> 00:08:37,541
(floor creaks)
176
00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:39,958
Oh, fuck.
(screaming)
177
00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:42,583
Ben?
Ben!
178
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,541
Miriam:
Put your pants back on!
179
00:08:45,541 --> 00:08:47,541
Hey, you got any more
magic tricks, man?
180
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:48,958
Um... oh!
181
00:08:48,958 --> 00:08:52,166
Miriam: ...swear on a stack
of Bibles that you'd washed your hands--
182
00:08:52,166 --> 00:08:56,041
Pretty good, right?
You're very talented, man.
183
00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:59,666
I spend a lot
of time practicing. I can tell.
184
00:08:59,666 --> 00:09:03,291
(indistinct conversation
continues)
185
00:09:03,291 --> 00:09:04,416
Oh, don't drink that.
186
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:09,833
? I know that you know ?
187
00:09:09,833 --> 00:09:15,833
? Everything's gonna be okay ?
188
00:09:15,833 --> 00:09:18,583
? I know ?
189
00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:21,666
? That you know ?
190
00:09:21,666 --> 00:09:23,958
? Everything's ?
191
00:09:23,958 --> 00:09:27,791
? Gonna be okay ?
192
00:09:27,791 --> 00:09:30,458
? I know ?
193
00:09:30,458 --> 00:09:33,541
? That you know ?
194
00:09:33,541 --> 00:09:35,708
? Everything's ?
195
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:40,166
? Gonna be okay ?
196
00:09:40,216 --> 00:09:44,766
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