Original subtitles

(piano playing) Joel: "With a passion for sustainable agriculture

"and farm-to-table preparation, Thomas Wellington cut his teeth at Blue Hill at Stone Barns.

Now he brings a ten-course tasting experience right into your home."

Hey, buddy. Can you stop playing, please? Thanks.

Thomas Wellington? She's never gonna let me hear the end of that.

Joel: This is gonna be so great. You know how she is!

You can relax, you can get off your feet,

relax your back, just enjoy yourself.

Buddy, take that out of your mouth.

She is not going to let me enjoy anything.

She's gonna let everyone know.

I've cooked dozens of dinners with sciatica,

and we used to host upwards of 25 people,

and she can't even be bothered to cook for her own family?

Well, at least the whole family will be together, right? That's always nice.

What about your daughter? Is she bringing anybody home?

I don't know. You think Rachel tells me anything?

Hm. What about Evan? Is he married?

I can't remember. No.

Do you wanna go to a "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" taping with me on Monday?

Paula Poundstone's gonna be on.

Oh, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come

to my family's Seder again this year?

Um, I don't know. Your sister's kind of a bitch.

(laughs) She told me I looked like a puppet reject

from "The Dark Crystal." I'm so sorry.

She, uh-- she was probably drunk.

She was, like, going through a really rough patch last year.

I don't know. She's chilled out a lot since you saw her, though.

(vomiting)

Rachel, you almost finished in there? We're about to start.

Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

Joel: Can I pour you some wine? Yeah, that'd be great.

Man: Okay, hello everyone. Good evening, Waxman family.

Happy Passover. Um, so I want to tell you guys a little bit, uh,

about how much fun we're gonna have. And here we go.

I just wanna make sure that, uh,

that you guys have the most relaxing Pesach possible, okay?

All right. Well, this night is different from all other nights

because you don't have to worry about anything. (chuckles)

Uh, okay. We've got some warm hand towels right there for you.

I'm gonna tell you guys a little bit about the amuse bouche

that Clive here is going to be bringing around for you.

It smells really good. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Why can't we eat?

He's so cute. That's good.

Okay, um, so these are matzah balls, obviously. You guys know that.

Um, they are organic, the flour, and it is stone ground,

comes to us from the Pennsylvania Amish country.

And I did carbonate, uh, the water when I cooked them

to add a bit of springy-ness to the balls.

And then we've got some salty pickled okra. Okay?

And that is the karpas.

So drink up and, uh, I do hope you enjoy.

This smells like bacon. What the hell is this?

How do you know this person? Is this a caterer friend of yours, Shira?

I picked the caterer. Let's just go with it.

It's different. It's-- let's be different this year, okay?

Just go with it.

(group singing "Dayenu" in Hebrew)

The Torah speaks of four children asking about the Seder.

One wise, one wicked,

one simple, and one who does not know how to ask.

Did you just look at me when he said wicked?

Yes. Yes, Rachel.

Because everything is about you. It's always about you.

Yeah, and I wonder where I learned that from, Mom? You got it from your dad.

You're a narcissist. You're an instigator, Mom. Crazy, psycho bitch.

(sneezes) Flowers!

Honey, listen to me. This hocus pocus shit?

This is why you're not married.

Okay, well, I'm not married because I'm asexual.

Guys, guys, let's-- "Haggadah"? Evan: It's fine, but...

Guys? He says... Excuse me.

Miriam: Oh! Joel: Why is this night

different from all other nights?

Evan: I had these in my shirt for, like, an hour!

Were you on "Top Chef"? Yes, I was.

You have a good eye. My hair was really different.

It was about three seasons ago.

It was just two episodes, but...

Tom Colicchio seems like kind of a dick.

You know, he's actually not.

The coulis I made was totally shit. He called it.

Hey, was there bacon in those matzah balls? It's kind of a problem.

Oh. Oh, God, what a shanda. That is embarrassing.

Yeah, no one said anything about dietary restrictions.

Your husband said that you were Reform, so...

It's Passover.

Can't argue with that.

Excuse me.

(mocking) It's Passover.

(group singing "Dayenu" )

Hey. Hi.

Family, right? Yeah, I know how that is.

I don't think I've ever attended a family function without Daddy's little helper.

You know what I'm saying? Do you have some of that on you tonight?

I don't have any, but I can call my guy and get some pretty quickly.

You do that.

(knife chopping)

Okay. Thomas: Yeah, I'm working this party, so just,

you know, call me when you get here.

Yeah, okay. Thomas: Okay, boss. I'll see you later.

Oh, hey! Hey, man. How are you?

So funny to see you out here, like out of your natural habitat.

Yeah. What's going on, man? Are you still acting?

Oh, yeah. No, that's going great.

Although, earlier today, I did have an audition

that went horrible. Oh, no.

Did you forget your lines or something, man?

No, no. It was nothing like that. It was stupid.

I was auditioning to play, like, a protestor.

And so I'm miming

like I'm holding a picket sign. Uh-huh.

I thought I was doing great.

The casting director was laughing,

so I pick up another sign,

and so now I'm doing this fucking shit.

(laughs) Yeah.

Not that I haven't been in this position before.

Hey, haven't we all been there? No.

Yeah, so anyways. Um, yeah, what are you doing?

What are you up to right now?

Cool. I probably can't buy anything while I'm out here, right?

It's against the rules? No, I can't do that, man.

Sorry. Ho-hum. All right, well,

I guess I'll call you later tonight. You'll still be around?

Yeah, I'll be around.

Okay. Awesome. Bye!

Ben, honey? Let Daddy help you brush your teeth and put you in your pajamas.

Hey, how much are you going to give Ben for the afikomen?

A hundred dollars. A hundred dollars?

Isn't that excessive?

Just because you and Dad are fucking cheap

doesn't mean Joel and Shira have to be with their kid, Mom.

Here it comes. Poor, poor little Rachel.

You're such a poor little girl, aren't you?

Rachel, you're drunk. Why don't you go take a nap in the guest room.

I don't need recommendations from you.

I don't know who you think you are

since you've taken up with those Jappy girls

down at Vanderbilt and got your dad

to buy you that little nose job, but whatever it is,

it is getting extremely tiresome.

(singing to tune of "Dayenu") ? Please stop fighting ?

? Please stop fighting ?

? Please stop fighting, you're ruining the whole night ?

Hey, my guy's gonna be here in, like, 15 minutes, so if you-- Yeah, whatever.

(ringtone chimes)

Evan: "Elijah is the symbol of messianic redemption

"at the end of time, Miriam of redemption in our present lives.

Let's stand for the welcoming of Elijah the Prophet."

Hey, Ben. This is the part where we open the door for Elijah.

Wanna go, buddy? Go ahead, buddy. Check it out.

(strumming guitar)

Here we go.

Hey, guys. Elijah?

What are you doing here? Can I help you with something?

Did I butt-dial you? I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?

This is hysterical!

Wait, we were just opening the door for Elijah.

Come on in, come on in.

Evan, are you gonna introduce us to your friend?

Yeah, this is my-- uh, my guy.

Miriam: It's your-- your guy?

Joel: Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Shira: Why don't you go upstairs and look for the afikomen?

I think Daddy hid it upstairs.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You're ordering drugs to my fucking house? No, I didn't.

Actually, it wasn't him. Uh, I got a call from this guy.

I don't remember his name. He kind of sounds like James Spader.

Like, "Hey, boss." I knew it.

(men moaning)

(floor creaks)

Oh, fuck. (screaming)

Ben? Ben!

Miriam: Put your pants back on!

Hey, you got any more magic tricks, man?

Um... oh!

Miriam: ...swear on a stack of Bibles that you'd washed your hands--

Pretty good, right? You're very talented, man.

I spend a lot of time practicing. I can tell.

(indistinct conversation continues)

Oh, don't drink that.

? I know that you know ?

? Everything's gonna be okay ?

? I know ?

? That you know ?

? Everything's ?

? Gonna be okay ?

? I know ?

? That you know ?

? Everything's ?

? Gonna be okay ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0