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1
00:00:02,125 --> 00:00:05,000
So maybe we should talk
about who you're, like,
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,500
allowed to "do it" with
while you're on tour? What?
3
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:09,583
That sounds like
a horrible conversation.
4
00:00:09,583 --> 00:00:12,375
You're going to, like,
really white-trash red states
5
00:00:12,375 --> 00:00:14,208
where you're probably gonna
meet all sorts of, like,
6
00:00:14,208 --> 00:00:16,125
Ohio State comedy groupies
who have crabs.
7
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:18,833
You saying that I can't
be able to discern
8
00:00:18,833 --> 00:00:20,583
whether somebody
has crabs or not?
9
00:00:20,583 --> 00:00:22,083
I don't know.
They're very small.
10
00:00:22,083 --> 00:00:24,500
You need to lighten up.
Stop being jealous,
11
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,583
acting like you the only
chucklefucker I can fuck.
12
00:00:26,583 --> 00:00:30,458
I'm not a chucklefucker!
Mm-hm...
13
00:00:30,458 --> 00:00:33,208
Reggie Watts?
Oh, my God. We made out once, like, three years ago.
14
00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:35,875
B.J. Novak?
We just cuddled.
15
00:00:35,875 --> 00:00:38,250
That's even worse
than fucking, actually. No, it's not.
16
00:00:38,250 --> 00:00:40,375
Then who's okay
in your book?
17
00:00:40,375 --> 00:00:43,333
Don Rickles.
Don Rickles?
18
00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:44,666
Yeah.
He's cool in your book?
19
00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:45,916
Yeah, give him the pussy.
20
00:00:45,916 --> 00:00:47,333
He's a legend.
He deserves it.
21
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:49,791
? Doctor don't know ?
22
00:00:49,791 --> 00:00:53,708
? But New York was killing me ?
23
00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:58,041
? Bunch of doctors
come around ?
24
00:00:58,041 --> 00:01:02,958
? They don't know
that New York is killing me ?
25
00:01:02,958 --> 00:01:06,708
I don't know why we
don't eat penguins in society. It bothers me.
26
00:01:06,708 --> 00:01:09,833
Everybody got somebody
that speak well of them.
27
00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:12,708
Even a serial killer
got a buddy.
28
00:01:12,708 --> 00:01:14,208
(crowd laughs)
29
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,708
? Let me tell you
city living ain't all ?
30
00:01:17,708 --> 00:01:19,833
? It is cracked up to be ?
31
00:01:19,833 --> 00:01:23,333
You seen the video
of these fat girls fighting in the Waffle House?
32
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,708
One of their titties came out.
33
00:01:24,708 --> 00:01:26,333
I don't like it
cause I don't have
34
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:28,458
a good scar story to go with it.
I wish I had a good scar.
35
00:01:28,458 --> 00:01:29,958
"Hannibal,
how'd you get that scar?"
36
00:01:29,958 --> 00:01:31,666
"It was crazy. It was this guy.
37
00:01:31,666 --> 00:01:34,083
He was trying to stab a puppy."
(phone camera clicks)
38
00:01:34,083 --> 00:01:35,333
What the fuck?
39
00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:36,833
Do you sing too?
40
00:01:36,833 --> 00:01:40,958
No, I rap.
Can you rap for us?
41
00:01:40,958 --> 00:01:43,416
I'm surprised
when I go to a deli. "Can I get a ham sandwich?"
42
00:01:43,416 --> 00:01:46,083
"You sure you want
a ham sandwich or just ham in your hands?"
43
00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:47,833
You know what?
44
00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:50,958
Woman over speaker:
Would you like cheese on your French fries today?
45
00:01:50,958 --> 00:01:53,291
Cheese on the French fries?
Yes.
46
00:01:53,291 --> 00:01:54,208
No.
47
00:01:54,208 --> 00:01:55,958
? Sitting in a mini van ?
48
00:01:55,958 --> 00:01:59,208
? Is it a Chrysler
or a Dodge Caravan? ?
49
00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:00,583
? I'm not caring, man ?
50
00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:04,458
? We out here
smoking in a mini van ?
51
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,833
Yeah.
(laughter)
52
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:08,416
(crowd laughs)
53
00:02:08,416 --> 00:02:11,041
"Wouldn't it be good
if I just started doing jokes?
54
00:02:11,041 --> 00:02:13,333
Come on, funny man,
if you funny."
55
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,583
What did the Jewish
pedophile say?
56
00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:17,583
Uh...
What, "Knock, knock?"
57
00:02:17,583 --> 00:02:21,416
L'chaim. Mazel tov.
(laughing)
58
00:02:21,416 --> 00:02:23,333
No, y'all stepping on--
you can't--
59
00:02:23,333 --> 00:02:25,583
You can't guess punchlines.
He said, "And that's why
60
00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:26,833
he crossed the road."
Manischewitz.
61
00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:29,708
Stop guessing-- why--
62
00:02:29,708 --> 00:02:31,541
Why was he wrongly imprisoned?
63
00:02:31,541 --> 00:02:34,958
Is there a website with a
.org domain I can go support?
64
00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:38,708
The Free Sun Tan-- oh, no, you
really advertising free sun tan?
65
00:02:38,708 --> 00:02:40,833
Man:
Oh, fuck! He's got a gun!
66
00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:44,833
(gunshot)
(screaming)
67
00:02:47,291 --> 00:02:50,875
(screaming continues)
68
00:02:53,458 --> 00:02:56,625
Moshe: Yeah, I would assume
he doesn't like being shot at.
69
00:02:56,625 --> 00:02:59,125
Neal: No, Hannibal
strikes you as the kind of dude who's like "No, man.
70
00:02:59,125 --> 00:03:00,833
I don't fuck with guns."
Moshe: Yeah.
71
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:03,375
Neal: Or he'd be like,
"Yo, I hated guns,
72
00:03:03,375 --> 00:03:05,708
and then we went
to a shooting range."
73
00:03:05,708 --> 00:03:08,250
Moshe: "And now I like guns."
Neal: "And now I love guns."
74
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:10,000
Moshe:
I found out about it in a tweet.
75
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,375
Somebody burst into the shit
and started shooting it up,
76
00:03:12,375 --> 00:03:14,750
and it's like, you think this
kind of thing will never happen
77
00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:16,958
to somebody that you know,
and then...
78
00:03:16,958 --> 00:03:19,250
Anyway, we'll get
on the with episode,
79
00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:21,333
but, um, our thoughts
are with you, Hannibal.
80
00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:23,250
(shuts off podcast)
81
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,833
Man on voicemail:
Hey, brother. Just checking in on you.
82
00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:33,625
Um, they leaving you alone?
(chuckles)
83
00:03:33,625 --> 00:03:35,583
It's fucking crazy
over here, dude.
84
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:40,333
"Today Show,"
John Stewart, CNN, "The New Yorker" just emailed.
85
00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,375
Uh, I know you said you didn't
want to do any interviews,
86
00:03:42,375 --> 00:03:45,125
but, you know, I just wanted to
let you know people are asking.
87
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:49,833
So if you want me to keep this
sort of information to myself going forward, I totally can.
88
00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:53,958
You just let me know.
Um... all right.
89
00:03:53,958 --> 00:03:55,625
(phone vibrates)
90
00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:20,250
(phone chimes)
91
00:04:35,125 --> 00:04:38,125
Olivia:
So, like, right before my set, Jonathan Ames did this reading,
92
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:40,750
and it literally went on
for, like, 35 minutes.
93
00:04:40,750 --> 00:04:44,625
Like, the first two minutes
were funny, but then the rest of it was, like, so painful.
94
00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:46,750
Where should I put this kale
so that you remember it,
95
00:04:46,750 --> 00:04:49,708
and it doesn't get all brown
and droopy and sad?
96
00:04:49,708 --> 00:04:51,208
I don't care.
97
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:56,125
Hey... seriously, thanks
for letting me come over.
98
00:04:56,125 --> 00:04:58,750
I know you've just
been through a lot,
99
00:04:58,750 --> 00:05:03,375
but I really think that you
should consider coming out with us tonight.
100
00:05:03,375 --> 00:05:05,958
I think it will make you
feel so much better.
101
00:05:05,958 --> 00:05:08,375
I'm not going
to your show, Olivia.
102
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:11,750
(doorbell buzzes)
Oh, I have to get that.
103
00:05:11,750 --> 00:05:13,583
Who's that?
Heidi.
104
00:05:13,583 --> 00:05:16,500
She just wants to say hi
before we go out.
105
00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:18,250
No.
106
00:05:18,250 --> 00:05:21,708
Hey!
Hey!
107
00:05:21,708 --> 00:05:25,000
He's not coming.
Aw, really? God.
108
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,458
Buck up, son.
Anyway...
109
00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:31,250
Oh, I invited Jonathan Ames.
He hasn't texted back, though.
110
00:05:34,583 --> 00:05:36,750
Oh, hey, I got it.
Oh, we're okay.
111
00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:38,875
No, it's fine. I gotcha.
112
00:05:38,875 --> 00:05:42,125
Put my child down.
Jesus.
113
00:05:42,125 --> 00:05:44,458
Private property.
Oh, yeah, well, it was a great thing
114
00:05:44,458 --> 00:05:46,125
that you got
the brownstone in Brooklyn.
115
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:49,500
I mean, Westchester, those
houses are too much upkeep.
116
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:53,000
(phone chirps)
Hello?
117
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,458
Hannibal:
Hey, man. I'm at home.
118
00:05:55,458 --> 00:05:57,875
So I saw this in your
vestibule last time,
119
00:05:57,875 --> 00:06:00,625
and I saw it this time,
so I just thought I'd take it.
120
00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:03,625
I got to say,
I'm kind of interested in what this wizard has to say.
121
00:06:03,625 --> 00:06:06,625
$100,000 to open
a bed and breakfast.
122
00:06:06,625 --> 00:06:08,375
$8,000 to learn computers.
123
00:06:08,375 --> 00:06:09,750
It's probably got some facts
124
00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:12,125
that I would like
to know about making money.
125
00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:16,125
This is "Gears of War 3."
126
00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:19,125
It's not that scratched.
Do you wanna try to play?
127
00:06:19,125 --> 00:06:20,750
Yeah, man.
Awesome.
128
00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:22,375
Yeah.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
129
00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:25,125
I was hoping this would be
a video game with the wizard.
130
00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:28,250
Remember in Metroid
when it turned out she was a girl the whole time?
131
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:31,875
She took off her helmet,
and she had that green hair? That was impressive.
132
00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:33,875
And that was very groundbreaking
for me at the time
133
00:06:33,875 --> 00:06:37,875
because I was like,
how did she end up on Metroid?
134
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:40,958
Fucking fuck, dude.
Get off of me, Timothy.
135
00:06:40,958 --> 00:06:44,875
I'm calling that fucker Timothy.
He looks like a fucking Timothy.
136
00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:47,583
Dude, you're
getting all fucked up. Dude.
137
00:06:47,583 --> 00:06:49,875
(video game sound effects)
138
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,750
(turns off video game)
139
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,125
Hey, man. Do you want me
to get outta here?
140
00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:02,875
No.
141
00:07:07,458 --> 00:07:09,958
You wanna talk about it?
142
00:07:09,958 --> 00:07:12,583
(clears throat) No.
143
00:07:18,041 --> 00:07:21,416
(texting)
144
00:08:15,458 --> 00:08:17,833
(farts)
145
00:08:17,833 --> 00:08:20,041
(girl laughing) Oh, my God.
146
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:23,916
Do you remember that one time
when we got those cucumbers? Yeah.
147
00:08:23,916 --> 00:08:27,791
And then we--
(laughing)
148
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,666
(mumbling)
149
00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:41,833
Hold on.
150
00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:43,541
Tell us
a joke.
151
00:08:43,541 --> 00:08:44,833
He was.
152
00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:45,958
Oh, yeah,
what did he say?
153
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,041
Tell us
a good joke.
154
00:08:47,041 --> 00:08:49,291
What'd
the Jewish pedophile say?
155
00:08:49,291 --> 00:08:51,458
Tell us
a funny joke.
156
00:08:51,458 --> 00:08:52,541
It was
already funny.
157
00:08:52,541 --> 00:08:53,583
No, it wasn't
funny.
158
00:08:53,583 --> 00:08:54,708
You were laughing!
159
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:55,833
It was bad.
160
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,666
Girl: I think you're funny.
161
00:08:57,716 --> 00:09:02,266
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