All language subtitles for Frasier - 8x13 - Sliding Frasiers.HDTV.NoTV.en

lf you must know, l'm just about
to leave for something called

a speed date.

- What's a speed date?
- Well, apparently, it's the latest thing.

Twelve men and 1 2 women
get together in a room.

They spend eight minutes
talking to one another,

and then they move on
to the next person after a bell rings.

Basically, it's all the stress and
humiliation of a blind date, times 1 2.

Wow, talk about desperate.

So, what brought this on?

l don't know. l'm just so tired
of being surrounded by happy couples.

l just thought l should do something
a bit more proactive.

You wouldn't be talking about
Niles and Daphne?

Among others. Believe me,
no one could be happier for Niles.

But there are days
when his lovesick-swain act

wears the tiniest bit thin.

Hello, all.

Notice anything different?

- l like it.
NlLES: Thank you.

l've never worn an undergarment
in public before.

- ls that my sweater?
- Yes, here. What's the emergency?

Well, l'm going out this evening,
and l was thinking about

changing my attire.

While the suit projects
a certain professionalism--

You know, Dr. Frasier Crane.

--l was thinking perhaps the sweater
would impart a more casual feel.

Just Fras. Any thoughts?

So l bet you and Daphne
have big Valentine's Day plans.

Oh, yes. She's cooking dinner for me.
And then l've arranged a big surprise.

l'm flying her to Canc�n
for a long romantic weekend.

Not bad.

Yes, l'm whisking her to the airport
in a limo filled with exotic orchids.

You don't think
that's too over-the-top, do you?

No, l think that boat sailed
with your T-shirt.

Here's an idea. What if l put
the sweater under the jacket?

Then they'll get
the best of both worlds.

Honestly, Frasier,
could you be more self-absorbed?

Goodbye, Roz. lf you wanna know
more about our trip,

we'll have pictures on our website
when we get back.

For God's sake, Frasier, flip a coin.

Look, Roz, l know this may seem like
nothing to you, but the tiniest decision

can shape your whole destiny.

So which path should l follow?

Sweater. Suit.

Sweater. Suit. Sweater.

- Oh, just pick one.
- Good point.

You're right. Okay, fine.
l will go with the suit.

You made the right choice.

Wish me luck.

- l'm sorry. Pardon me.
- Sorry.

Say, don't you work at KACL?

- Yes, l just started. Mike Schafer.
- Oh, hi, Mike. Frasier Crane.

- Have you met Roz Doyle?
- No.

Oh, you are new, aren't you?

ROZ: Can l buy you a cup of coffee?
WAlTRESS: Oh, my God.

MONlCA: Oh, my God.
ROZ: Frasier, are you okay?

FRASlER:
Well, l-- Ooh.

Ow, gosh, l think
l've wrenched my shoulder.

- l am so sorry. l...
- No, it's all right. Ow.

l'm taking you to the emergency room.
Please, it's the least l can do.

l've got my car right outside.
l'll take you.

Roz, don't you have coffee waiting?

- l'm Frasier.
- Hi, l'm Monica.

- Oh, you must think l'm such a klutz.
- No, not at all.

For God's sake, Frasier, flip a coin.

Look, Roz, l know this may seem like
nothing to you, but the tiniest decision

can shape your whole destiny.

So which path should l follow?

Sweater. Suit.

Sweater. Suit. Sweater.

- Oh, just pick one.
- Good point.

You're right. Okay, fine.
l will go with the suit.

No, no, the sweater.

- You made the right choice.
- Thank you.

MONlCA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. l'm so sorry.

lt's okay. No harm done.

Lord, what a klutz.

- All right, Roz, wish me luck.
- Good luck.

Mike Schafer. lt looks like you're
gonna need another cup of coffee.

Oh, yeah.

MONlCA: You know, you're not the first
guy l've sent to the emergency room.

When l was 1 0, my brother fell off
my handlebars and broke his foot.

ln art school,
a pottery wheel got away from me

and sort of rolled down some stairs,
and l broke one guy's knee

and another guy's hip.

l suppose after that
you went on a kiln spree.

[BOTH LAUGHlNG]

Yeah, l guess you can say l've broken
more than my share of bones.

And more than your fair share
of hearts, l'm sure.

l don't know about that.

Frasier, l am so sorry about your arm.
l hope l haven't ruined your plans.

No, actually,
l didn't have anything special planned.

Hey, have you heard about
that new pirate movie?

lt's rated ''Arrr.''

Yes, that's very droll.

- Get it? Arrr.
- Yes, yes, l do.

That's sort of my test joke.
You know, to see if a guy's cool or not.

Can you believe
you're the first guy here who laughed?

Can't you see it?
A pirate walks into a move theatre.

He's got his eye patch
and his peg leg and--

[BELL DlNGS]

Oh, boy, that did not feel like
eight minutes.

lndeed it did not.

[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG ON TV]

Hey, Fras, how did that
speed-date thing go?

- lt could not have been worse.
- That's nice.

- You're not listening, Dad.
- Oh, l'm sorry, son.

Well, did you get
any phone numbers?

No, but if l ever want to track
any of them down,

l can always write them,
care of the bottom of the barrel.

[KNOCKlNG]

That's too bad.

Hi, Daphne.
Here, let me help you with that.

- Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane.
- Yes, of course.

- You're really loading up, aren't you?
- lt's for Niles' Valentine's dinner.

- That's not till next week.
- l know but it's a complicated recipe.

l need time to practise.
You two are gonna be my guinea pigs.

Maybe we could fake
our own deaths.

Daphne...

...are you planning on using cumin
in this recipe?

Yeah. The recipe calls for lots of it.

Good Lord.
Niles is terribly allergic to cumin.

Oh, dear. l knew about the scallops.
And the nutmeg.

The oat bran, wheat germ,
carob, parchment mites--

Yes, yes, l know.

He tried wearing an allergy tag but
his neck was too weak to support it.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Did you see that? The character
in this movie just dialled the phone,

and at the exact same time,
our phone rang.

lt's like Montgomery Clift
is calling me.

Yes, that's fascinating, Dad.

MARTlN:
Hello? Oh, hey, Niles.

No, she can't hear.

Oh, jeez, l don't know about that.

Well, all right,
if it means that much to you, l'll do it.

All right, bye.

That was your brother.

He wants me to pack a suitcase
for Daphne for their trip to Canc�n.

Now l'm gonna have to go through
her unmentionables.

l wonder if l'll ever see
another unmentionable.

Oh, come on, Fras,
it was just one bad date.

lt was 1 2 bad dates.

And a hundred before that.

[SlNGlNG]
l'm through with love

l'll never fall again

- You're gonna be like this all night?
- Said adieu to love

- Breaks my heart to see him like this.
- Don't ever call again

Fortunately, l can't see him
from McGinty's.

For l must--

[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG ON TV]

Hey, Fras.
How did the speed-date thing go?

Actually, l didn't go, Dad.
l went to the hospital instead.

Oh, that's nice.

- Dad, you're not listening.
- Oh, well, l'm sorry, son.

What happened? You all right?

Well, actually,
l tripped and sprained my shoulder.

But l'm actually feeling no pain

because l met
a beautiful young woman.

- Oh, is she a nurse?
- No, she's the girl that tripped me.

[KNOCKlNG]

Her name is Monica.
She's a commercial artist.

She's cute as a button
and a danger to herself and others.

MARTlN:
Good for you.

- Hi, Daph.
- Could you give me a hand here?

Well, l would,
except l sprained my shoulder.

Bullet in the hip.

You still have one good arm,
Dr. Crane.

The doctor told me to take it easy.

- Oh! l met a girl today.
- Yeah, so did she.

FRASlER:
You know what?

lt might be a bit soon, but l think
l'm gonna give Monica a call.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Did you see that? The character
in this movie just dialled the phone,

and at the exact same time,
our phone rings.

lt's like Montgomery Clift's
calling me.

Say hello to him for me.

Hello? Oh, hey, Niles.

No, she can't hear.

Oh, jeez, l don't know about that.

Hi, Monica.
Yeah, injured anybody lately?

Really?

l was calling because l thought maybe
we could have dinner tomorrow night.

l don't know, maybe we could meet
at Caf� Nervosa around 7

and go from there?

Wonderful.

Great, l'll see you tomorrow.
Good night.

- She said yes.
- Hey.

Tomorrow night,
l have a date with an angel.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG ON STEREO]

Oh, you're gonna be like this all night,
aren't you?

- McGinty's?
- l'm way ahead of you.

So we had dinner again Thursday
night and then again on Friday.

She had plans with her parents on
Saturday, so to keep our streak alive,

l actually sent her a videotape of me
eating and talking into the camera.

That's cute.

- You don't think it's a little too much?
- No. lf you like her, go for it.

- How are things with Mike?
- Good.

He's taking me to the Heart
Association benefit on Valentine's Day.

l'm going too.
You know, l think this is a first.

You and l in happy relationships
at the same time.

- Hi, Roz. Hi, Frasier.
- Oh, hi.

- How's your head?
- Oh, it's better, actually.

My peripheral vision's coming back.

l'm so sorry. Listen, everyone at work
is talking about

the beautiful flowers you sent me.
Thank you.

Wait till you see what's next. You won't
be able to thank me in public.

l hate to break it to you.

You don't have to keep sending me
flowers and poetry.

You officially have my attention.

- l'm gonna get some coffee.
- Let me get that.

No. You're sweet,
but l think l can get my own coffee.

Looks like all that hard work
you've been doing is paying off.

l'm not about to let up now.

l never want her to feel
as if she's being taken for granted.

Wow. You're giving Niles
a run for his money.

Oh, please. ln the great
golden book of love,

Niles will be a mere footnote
to my glorious saga.

l'm gonna take his ball and run it
to the end zone. ls that a thing?

- Yes.
- Good.

Oh, come on, Fras. You've been
moping around here all week.

Why don't you join me at McGinty's?
lt's crazy there on Valentine's Day.

Last year, McGinty hired
this fat guy in a diaper

to run around shooting
a bow and arrow at people.

No, no, wait.
That might have been the Super Bowl.

You had me right up
until ''diaper,'' Dad.

You guys, you guys, you guys,
you have to see this.

Look, look,
Daphne has sauce on her nose.

ls that the cutest thing
you've ever seen in your life?

Wait, wait. Let me get it.

- Ohh.
- Yum, yum, yum.

DAPHNE:
You've got some on your neck.

Oh, do l?

- Who's ticklish?
- Are you ticklish too?

All right, all right, truce, truce.

l was gonna wait until after dinner
to tell you this, but l can't.

ln three hours, you and l
are gonna be on a plane to Canc�n.

[DAPHNE GASPS]

DAPHNE: l barely have time to pack.
NlLES: That's already taken care of.

- Dad packed a bag for you.
- Oh, Mr. Crane.

[DAPHNE LAUGHlNG]

- l've never been this happy.
- l'm happier than you.

Excuse me. Somebody's trying
to watch Behind the Music here.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Hello? Yeah, hi, Roz.

No, no, l'm not going to the benefit.

Yeah, l'll bet she's got
a great personality.

Yes, well, thanks anyway, Roz.
Listen, you have a good time.

All right. Good night.

- Roz find you a date for tonight?
- Yeah.

She's going with some guy
in her building. He's got a sister.

You ought to go. lt beats hanging
around here feeling sorry for yourself.

Dad, please.
The only thing worse than a blind date

would be a blind date
on Valentine's Day. Okay?

l can't imagine a worse way
to spend the evening.

[GlGGLlNG]

You have to see this.
Ready, ready, ready?

Oh, let's get more. Come on,
come on, let's do it again, wait.

Maybe Roz hasn't left yet.

lt is now 7:45.
At this precise moment,

she should be receiving
a jeroboam of chilled champagne.

- You're really laying it on thick.
- Oh, God, Dad.

You don't know the half of it.
This morning, she was awakened

by a string quartet on her porch.

And then when Monica arrived
at her office,

there were seven dozen roses
on her desk.

A dozen for every day
that l've known her.

DAPHNE: l'm sorry.
MARTlN: What happened?

He's having some kind of reaction
to the sauce.

- Did you put scallops in it?
- No.

- Nutmeg?
- Wheat germ?

- Carob?
- Cumin?

Maybe.

Oh, this is a disaster.

We have reservations
to fly to Canc�n tonight.

- Oh, really?
- Well, we can't go now.

l can't possibly sit still
on a plane for five hours

with this rash you've given me.

Now, please don't let a little mistake
disturb the most magical evening of--

- Oh, the whole weekend is ruined.
- Well, l said l was sorry.

Well, l even had Dad
pack a bag for you.

You did what?
You let him go through my things.

How could you?

l'm sorry. l was trying to do something
nice for our first Valentine's Day.

DAPHNE: Well, what do you think
l was trying to do?

Now l'm gonna have to spend the
whole night rubbing lotion all over you.

l'm sorry l yelled at you.

You have sauce on your nose.
Let me get it. Lick it.

DAPHNE: You've got some
on your neck. Let me get it.

[BAND PLAYlNG]

- Oh, hi, Roz.
- Hi.

- Say, where's Mike?
- Oh, he's parking the car.

- Monica, what a gorgeous corsage.
MONlCA: Oh, thanks.

lt was a gift from Frasier.
Along with about a million roses.

- Hello, young lovers.
FRASlER: Oh, Kenny.

- Look at you.
- What can l say?

Under this gruff exterior
beats the heart of a true romantic.

l just love love.

- So where's your wife?
- She had plans.

- Come on, Kenny. l'll buy you a drink.
- Great.

Well, you know,
why don't we sit down?

- Okay.
- Here we are. Let me.

l was thinking that perhaps
after the party

we could take a carriage ride
through the park,

make our way to your place,
where l believe

there is a 2-pound box
of chocolate truffles waiting for you.

Two pounds.

Yes. Well, your sister told me
that truffles were your favourite.

You talked to Cheryl?
Oh, l haven't talked to her in months.

You'll have your chance on Sunday.
We're having dinner with her and Jack.

- There's a lot of people here.
- Oh, yes, of course. l understand.

- Hey, Frasier.
- Oh, hi, Roz.

- Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
- Same to you.

- This is my date, Robert.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Well, Roz, listen. Thanks for
getting me out of the house.

l've been feeling sorry for myself
long enough.

- Oh, that's the spirit.
FRASlER: On the way over here,

l was actually getting sort of excited
about meeting somebody new.

- Here's my sister now.
FRASlER: Oh.

Oh, my God. Arrr.

- Arrr.
- Arrr.

Okay.

Looks like you two know each other.
You even have your own language.

- lt must be fate.
- Must be.

Ah.

- For you.
- Oh, another rose.

Yes.

Frasier, uh, l appreciate
everything you're doing.

The flowers, the carriage ride,

the ''Love ls...'' cartoons
from the newspaper.

Oh.

lt's just a drop in the ocean
compared to what you deserve.

[SONG ENDS]

Oh.

That song was dedicated
to Mr. and Mrs. Terry Craypens,

celebrating their 30th anniversary.

[CROWD APPLAUDlNG]

- That's so cute.
- Well, l'm glad to hear you say that.

- You wait right here.
- Okay.

Good evening, everybody.
l'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Normally, l deal
with matters of the head,

but tonight l'd like to share
what's in my heart.

Monica, this is for you.

[SlNGlNG]
Have l a hope or half a chance

To even think
That l could dance with you?

Ooh, ooh

Would you greet me
Or politely turn away?

Would there suddenly be sunshine
On a cold and rainy day?

Oh, babe, what would you say?

Yes, oh, baby, l know

l know l could be so in love

Congratulations.

With you

And l know that l could make you
Love me too

And if l could hear you
Say the words you do

Well, anyway, what would you say?

Frasier, we need to talk.

Ouch.

Don't get me wrong, Frasier.
Everything you did was nice.

lt was just too much.

l mean, you made me feel like
a project and not a person.

Well, l could tone things down.

We can start fresh.
How about lunch tomorrow?

Now, you see,
l was gonna say breakfast.

l think l should go.

l see. Well, you know, l'll get my car.

No, that's okay. l'm gonna get my stuff
and just take a cab, so...

Bye, Frasier.

- Are you okay?
- Oh, well, l'm humiliated.

Oh, Frasier, nobody even noticed
what happened.

Ouch.

Ah, it's my own fault, really.

l guess l just saw what Niles had...

...and l pushed too hard
to get it for myself.

Well, if it means anything, l thought
what you did was terribly romantic.

Well, maybe.

Come on.
Let me walk you to your car.

- What about Mike?
- lt'll only be a few minutes.

He'll be fine.

Oh, l'm sorry. l am such a klutz.

- lt's okay. lt's fine.
- Let me get you another drink.

- lt's the least l can do.
- l guess that'd be okay.

- Okay.
- Mike.

Monica.

ANNOUNCER [ON RADlO]: We now
return to a repeat broadcast of

The Best of Crane.
Please do not call in.

FRASlER: Before the break
we were talking to Phil,

who's having trouble
getting over a relationship.

Phil, if you're listening, it might help
to keep in mind the old adage:

''lt's better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all. ''

l do make a good point.

What a load of crap.

FRASlER: Let's go to our next caller.
WOMAN: Hi, this is Rachel.

l wanted to let you know l read
that Thurber book you quoted from,

- and, man, is he funny.
FRASlER: Glad you liked it.

RACHEL:
l also have a confession to make.

You know,
l have a big crush on you.

FRASlER:
Oh, well, l'm flattered, Rachel,

but l make it a policy
not to date my callers.

RACHEL:
Well, if you ever change your mind,

l'm the chef
at the Columbia Street Grill.

You should come by sometime.