Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language.

I've had a brilliant idea, ain't I?

(HANNAH) He has, yeah.

Going to sell autographs and put the money towards funding the home.

(DOUG) 'Yeah, I don't get it, collecting autographs,

'but they seem to enjoy it.

'And if some good can come out of it, then yeah, why not?'

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

We're from Broad Hill nursing home and we're going to sell...

We're autograph hunters.

You want to sell your autographs?

We want to sell autographs, yeah.

So I just need some money for the old people.

Sit tight, mate.

OK, show me what you've managed to get there.

I forget who that is. I can't remember.

You've got to know who it is, that's the thing.

Kerry Katona!

Why is it..? What's that yellow stuff?

It's carrot, mate.

She was being sick.

Oh. That affects the value.

Is it less valuable with sick?

Yeah! Remember that?

Porkpie, innit?

Porkpie off Desmond's.

But that's not the actor. That's not his name.

I didn't know his name, so I said "Do Porkpie,

"so I know who it is." How much for Porkpie?

Er, well, less than an actual pork pie.

What would be good for you is to try and target, like, film people,

musicians,

and maybe if you get them to sign a photo or some of the memorabilia

from their film or something.

You can't give me any money for these then?

I don't think so, no.

Out the way, mate.

Sorry, but good luck.

New kid in town. All right? Welcome to the big league. Bang.

Bang.

OK.

That's me with Baby Spice. That's me with Dermot O'Leary.

that's me with Lesley Joseph.

Yeah...

That's me with Clare Balding.

You don't have to say, "That's me."

I'm getting the idea that that's you.

Have you got any you're not in?

No, not in this.

No?

It is less valuable with you...

It's what?

It's less valuable to have yourself in the middle of the...

If you look round here

you'll see that most of these pictures don't have you in.

He has got a point, Kev.

None of them.

None of them, yeah.

All right. Katie Holmes.

Back of a pub menu.

Katie Holmes? Yeah.

In a Harvester?

Katie Holmes in a Harvester? Was she?

Yeah.

What did she order?

Butternut squash.

It's not on here. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's her.

Well, the name's there, Katie Holmes.

Someone's name's there, yeah. She would have put "Katie", rather than just "Kate".

Right, then. Uncle Ben.

What do you...? He's not real, is he?

You mean the guy that makes the rice?

He is real, mate! That's his signature, mate.

I can see you've got a signature. Did you meet him?

Did you meet him at a premiere or something?

No.

So how...? How did you get this?

I wrote to the rice company.

That's just someone... Like a PR from the rice company, isn't it?

Is it? Yeah.

He's not real.

He wouldn't sign this "Uncle Ben".

Well, then, you won't be interested in Mr Sheen.

Right, come on. Call it a day.

Thank you.

'Well, honestly, what a waste of time that was, wasn't it?

'I mean, embarrassing.

'Just more bullshit from Kev, and Derek looks up to him. It annoys me.

'I know their heart's in the right place, but honestly.

'It's like knocking about with Dumb and Dumber sometimes.'

Agh! Derek, for God's sake, mate!

What?

Derek!

What?

You're breaking my arm, mate.

I cannot breathe. I can't breathe.

I'm good at wrestling, ain't I?

One of the best.

He's over-excited today.

Going on a day trip.

Yeah, Dumpton Gap!

I've got my bloody head in your Dumpton Gap!

He's strong, you see? He's stronger than he looks.

He's strong sort of... I don't know, like an octopus.

A strong, huggy mollusc.

Are you actually trying to get out of it, Kev?

No point. He can't move, cos I've got him locked between my thighs.

He can't... He can't stop me. He can't defeat me.

So I got him a game of Twister.

Just to make it seem a little bit more normal.

Just in case the council popped in unannounced.

He doesn't play it. He doesn't get the mat out.

He just jumps on me.

Right, Derek, that's... That's...tight, that.

He can't breathe. Look, he's going red.

You have to let him do it.

Look. Look at the red. And it goes white for a little while.

I can't move. You can't keep doing this, Derek.

What? This.

This was never part of the job description for me.

No-one ever warned me of this.

'I loves wrestling.'

I'm strong and grabby. I don't like real fighting.

In real fighting,

you fights people what you don't like, so you can hurt 'em.

But in wrestling, I wrestles people what I do like.

It's like strong cuddling, really.

Strong cuddling? Is that what he calls it?

(SCOFFS) honestly, there's times when I wish he didn't like me as much.

His affection's going to kill me one day.

What a way to go that is! Having Derek on top of me.

You see, the thing is, he weighs more than he looks.

He weighs like a little... Well, not little, he's like a gorilla.

Having a gorilla on top of you.

(MUFFLED) Derek?

'Thing is, I try and get out of it and I can't cos he's strong,

so I end up thinking, "I know, I'll play dead."

It doesn't work, he nods off.

Is he asleep?

Derek? What? You nodded off.

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Have a brilliant time. Look after yourself.

See you later. See you later.

Take lots of photos for me, won't you?

Yeah, I will.

See you later, bye. Have fun.

You take care. See you. Bye.

Bye. Have a nice day.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Barry.

Thanks.

See you. Bye-bye.

Take care, precious.

Have fun. See you, then.

Would have been nice to go, but someone has to stay behind

cos obviously some of the residents can't go.

Some of them don't want to go.

So, um...

And I've got a new resident moving in today, Mrs Shaw,

so we have to be here to register her.

So, er, I'd better crack on.

Those urinals aren't going to clean themselves.

How long will it take to get there?

A couple of hours.

Is it faster than a train?

Er...

Could you race a train if there...?

Can you just let me get out the car park?

Yeah. Could you race a train?

If there was a motorway, right, and there was a train track,

what would win if they was both straight, both going the same place?

If it was a Lamborghini...

What would win between a unicorn and a gerbil?

It's stuff that wouldn't meet.

If they did meet they wouldn't sort of have a disagreement.

The unicorn's got a horn, but if the gerbil bit it, it had AIDS -

not AIDS, rabies - it would kill it.

What would win out of AIDS and rabies?

When are they having a race, Derek?!

No, not in racing terms, like, fighting each other.

Who would die first, AIDS versus rabies? If they met in the blood,

who would win out of AIDS and...?

Do you know what? It might be a different result every time.

Could you give AIDS cancer?

If a dog had got rabies, attacked a man with AIDS

and the man bit him and the dog bit the man, would the dog get AIDS?

It's not safe. You can't concentrate.

SIREN WAILS

Here you are!

What's that?

What would win out of an ambulance and a police car...

I can't concentrate. It's mental, this.

..and a fire engine?

It's funny how you can get told off for being on a mobile whilst driving.

Surely this has got to be dangerous, hasn't it?

I ask questions...

This is not safe.

Hi! Hi. Hello. I'm Hannah. Hello, welcome to Broad Hill.

It's lovely to see you.

Hannah?

Rebecca. Shaw.

Ohhh! Shaw, yes!

Oh, we...went to school together.

Well, till you left when you were about 15.

16, yeah.

I stayed on till I was 18 cos I did loads of A-levels,

but you didn't even do GCSEs, did you?

No.

You... Do you need qualifications to work here?

Yeah.

So you passed something, then. That's brilliant!

Really proud.

Yeah!

Shall we get a cup of tea? Shall we have a seat?

Let me introduce you to... everyone that's here.

Er, this is Sheila.

And this is Lizzie.

And this is Prem.

Derek? What?

A horse walks into a pub.

The barman says, "Why the long face?"

(CHUCKLES WHEEZILY)

Cos he's a horse, innit?

No it's not because he's a horse.

Forget it, mate. Here's a joke. Two Chinamen walk into a pub.

Barman says, "Why the same face?"

He's a racist. Yeah.

We need to stop. Why?

I need a piss.

He needs a piss. I needs a wee as well.

(DOUG) Just hang on.

Go on, Kev.

All right, go on.

Don't be ages.

Kevin, what are you doing?! Why do you think I pulled over here?

There's a load of bushes there. Go and have a piss over there!

All right!

Pissing on my wheel arch!

It's like Whipsnade, innit? Look at 'em!

I hate this. I hate stopping,

cos everyone you've overtaken,

they're going past me again and I'm losing time.

Could've had a piss before we left.

It's another excuse for Kev, though, innit, to get his cock in his hand.

What's that? Shush!

What is it?

(A sebaceous cyst.)

Keep that to yourself.

You're quiet, Derek.

I've just seen the worstest penis in the whole world.

Snitch!

I didn't say whose penis it was.

It's obviously mine,

cos it's the worstest penis in the whole world.

All right, Pam?

I wondered why you weren't on Facebook.

'When am I going to go on Facebook? What would I put on there?

'"Changed a bedpan"?'

I've never been a go-getter.

Unless you count going to get prescriptions for this lot.

It's funny, you know,

seeing Rebecca Shaw's made me feel a bit sorry for myself.

With her five-bedroom house and her six-figure salary

and her Prada bag and her Jimmy Choo shoes.

Never heard her talk about any friends, though, did I?

Never talked about anyone but herself.

Joan used to say, "You make a living from what you get.

"You make a life from what you give."

Derek makes nothing and he gives everything.

And then I found myself thinking,

"I can't wait for Derek and Dougie to get back."

(SIGHS)

Even Kev!

And that's not normal.

I wish Hannah was here,

but she's got to stay back cos some people are a bit too weak

to come, so she looks after them.

I misses her, but she's looking after 'em

and I'm looking after these lot.

Everyone's had a nice day, probably.

Innit?

Yes, she's good as gold, Hannah.

The job's really important to her, know what I mean?

She'd love to be coming out for a day trip today,

but her duty comes first.

There's people back at the home who needs looking after.

And duty comes first.

'And you know,

'I'm sure her life hasn't turned out exactly as she planned,

'but that's because she always thinks of others before herself.'

# When she was just a girl

# She expected the world

# But it flew away from her reach

# And the bullets catch in her teeth

# Life goes on, it gets so heavy

# The wheel breaks the butterfly

# Every tear a waterfall

# In the night, the stormy night, She closed her eyes

# In the night, the stormy night Away she flies

# I dream of para-para-paradise

# Para-para-paradise

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Dream of para-para-paradise

# Para-para-paradise

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh... #

It's all right, innit?

It's all you need, innit?

I don't know why people go abroad

when they've got this on their doorstep.

But this is all I need, this. A bit of peace and quiet.

Dougie? Dougie!

Douglas!

Peace and quite over with for the day.

Dougie. What? What?

Right, what would win if all the sea creatures got

and foughted all the land creatures sort of on the beach here?

Some that can't swim could fight ones that can swim.

Like a shark could fight a lion...

VOICE FADES

Got to get there first.

Can you manage?

Jesus! You're heavier than you look!

You've missed it again. You've missed it.

You've got to hit it this way, not that way.

Cos you might as well not be sat there. It's coming round anyway.

No, you keep missing it. Hit it.

There you are.

There y'are. You've missed it again.

Right, I'll hit it that way, you hit it this way.

Hit it now!

Now!

Right.

Now.

Now! Bloody 'ell!

Have you ever played polo?

No.

Oh, right, because I've got this polo pony, right.

They're smaller than normal horses, OK, and they're called ponies.

Do you know what a chukka is?

No. It's sort of like a game.

It's a sort of a game of polo, type thing...

Hello!

Do you want any help or...

Yes, always.

This is Mrs Shaw. She's a new resident coming in today

and this is Rebecca, her daughter.

This is Vicky. She's a volunteer.

You don't get paid?

No.

Heart's not really going to be in it then, is it?

Well, the shit either comes off the bog or it don't, to be honest.

Actually, I find volunteers to be just as hard-working as paid staff.

Yes, you wouldn't get me with my hands down a toilet for nothing.

Bit of a mug's game, that.

You'll have your head down one if you call me a mug again.

Right, shall we get you started, Vicky? Let's...

God.

It's disgusting.

Hannah is giving her a good talking-to.

She won't last long if she's got any sense.

Don't you dare put her head down the bog without getting me

to help you first.

# I was lying on the grass on Sunday morning of last week

# Indulging in my self-defeat

# My mind was thugged, all laced and bugged, all twisted, wrong and beat

# A comfortable three feet deep

# Now the fuzzy stare from not being there on a confusing morning week

# Impaired my tribal lunar-speak

# And of course you can't become if you only say what you would've done

# So I missed a million miles of fun

# I know it's up for me If you steal my sunshine

# Making sure I'm not in too deep... #

Really interesting, isn't it?

You know, if you're a successful, powerful, intellectual women

coming into the world, people get really intimidated.

Mm.

You get chatted up all the time.

On one hand, they are really attracted to you...

attracted to me.

Sexually attracted to me, and whatever.

Then we start talking

and I can see their face fall a little bit as they realise

that I'm probably more intelligent than they are...

SEAGULLS CRY

Now look. It's made a road.

It's like it's made a little road, a little trail.

That's where it can probably, maybe, find its way back.

Is it trying to get to the sea?

Dunno.

I'll see if it goes that way.

See if I can suggest a new route to it.

Will this confuse it if I does that and it goes back on itself?

It thinks, "I've already done this bit."

What are you doing?

Writing on crabs.

What's all that about?

He's writing on crabs.

What? What the motherfuck are you writing on crabs for?

Weird question. Why aren't you writing on crabs, mate?

That's a better question.

It's not. Why are you writing on crabs?

Flat shiny surface, mate.

Marker pen.

You do the math.

Irresistible, boy.

Just written TWAT on this one.

If I could find a bigger one I'd write CARPET MUNCHER.

What other words are you writing?

QUIM, TAMPON.

There's MUFF here.

There's COCK over there.

I've never heard of anyone going to the seaside

and doing this as a little activity.

Using crabs as fucking post-it notes.

Who are you, crab police?

Honestly, you amaze me.

What's BOLL?

BOLL and OCKS.

The only make sense together.

They're like Jedward.

BOLL and OCKS.

Go on, boys.

Go and annoy the world.

Can you find TITS?

Scuttled off.

Junior Greenpeace. Do you remember that?

And I got sent that ring.

Do you remember that I had that silver dolphin ring at school?

Do you remember that?

Yes.

I found... I went on a cruise, right, to...

Hi! You're back late.

Yes.

Is that for me? Yeah.

Brilliant. I missed you.

Yes, I missed you.

This is Jill Shaw, the lady I told you about, that moved in today.

This is her daughter, Rebecca.

Hello. Kev wroted TWAT on a crab.

Did you? Why?

Yes, with marker pen.

And MUFF and QUIM.

ANUS.

Brilliant.

I saw his knob. It's the worstest knob in the world.

It's terrible. It's like a dinosaur's knob.

It's bony, but it's got lumps on it.

Interested? Hmm...

And he said it's a herbaceous cyst.

Sebaceous cyst.

Yes. Sebaceous cyst.

These are my friends.

Friends!

What did you have for lunch?

Fish and chips.

You should get some of those.

What?

Fine. I'd better go.

Sorry I haven't turned out the way you wanted, Mother.

I've achieved enough.

Obviously I've been a disappointment to you.

It's always been the other way round and you know it, dear.

On you go.

Bye. See you.

This is Derek. Derek works here as well.

This is Dougie.

And this is Kev.

'She'll get over it, back at her five-bedroom house.'

She ain't got room for her mum, though.

Five bedrooms.

I've got 23 bedrooms.

And I've got a six-figure salary

if you count the two after the decimal point.

Still, I suppose it was nice to see her after all these years.

She hasn't changed a bit.

She always was a cunt.

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