Original subtitles

Having a party. It's my birthday, I can choose the food

and the songs, can't I? And the music we put on?

Can I choose my presents?

Well, no, cos then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

- I know what you want for your birthday, mate. - What?

- Wanna pop your cherry, don't ya? - What?

I know what he wants for his birthday.

He needs to pop his cherry, don't he?

What's pop your cherry?

Think. No.

What've you got looks like a cherry needs popping?

End of your knob, mate! Looks like a cherry, don't it?

Needs popping, up a woman. Innit, boys?

The end of his knob looks like a cherry needs popping up a woman.

I've got an old walnut if anybody's interested.

'Suddenly, Derek's 50.'

He's older than me. Do you know how much older?

Ten years. He's ten years older than me. You'd never guess.

And that niggles away at me a little bit.

He's ten years older but he's younger in the head, no stress.

Music, Robbie Williams...

Yep.

JLS, Susan Boyle, Stacey Solomon.

That reminds me, sausage rolls, vol au vents, chicken kievs, mini quiches...

Hang on a minute,

slow down a minute. Sausage rolls...

Eurgh!

Just shat meself.

Meeting's over. You're disgusting.

Fucking dis... Let me have the keys to the flat.

Change the old trousers.

See you guys.

'Interesting circle of friends, haven't I, eh?'

It's weird, cos I'm not proud of me, you know, me own life.

I haven't done anything special.

I haven't sort of achieved anything but I can say on me mother's life

I have never shat me pants.

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There's a new lady starting work here today. Well, she's not starting

work here, she's got to do community service cos she broke the law.

Nothing bad, she didn't hurt a baby or an animal or anything like that,

but now she just has to work here to say sorry, for what she did.

Lizzie? Why are you standing there?

Where?

There.

Where, dear?

There, where you're standing, you're standing there.

Am I?

Yeah. Go and sit down, Lizzie. Go and sit down.

That's it.

Yeah, when there's a lot of community service people...

Why are you filming her now?

I was talking.

Gosh.

I'm not talking to you.

- Who? - You. It's ridiculous.

I'll show her around, I'll show her around.

OK, this is Derek.

This is Vicky. Hello, Vicky.

OK, you show her round and introduce her to some residents,

- then I'm going to show her some work to get on with. - Yeah, I'll show them round.

He loves showing the community service workers around.

I got caught nicking shoes from the shop I worked in.

Nah, there's definitely nothing to nick here.

Smells funny as well. I'll go round

spraying my Intimately Beckham everywhere, stops you feeling sick.

That's Victoria Beckham's perfume.

I think it's funny,

like, she's called Victoria, I'm called Victoria and we both turned

out posh, like, and handbags and that, you know what I mean?

This carer's my mate. He's not a resident here, too young.

Arthur and Jack. Jack, he likes jokes, don't you?

He likes jokes.

And if you likes jokes with swearing and what are racist,

then Arthur's your man.

- All right? - Yeah.

Yeah? Come on, next.

This is Joe and Silo.

- Is he asleep? - I hope so.

Hey, Derek. What?

Want a joke, mate? Go on.

Right. Bloke walks into his doctor's.

Who? What bloke?

It doesn't matter, it's just a joke.

Walks in the doctor's, said "I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains..."

Is it a stroke? What?

You can think things that aren't there,

like burning toast. There isn't any toast...

It's not a bloody stroke! Focus please, on the joke.

Bloke walks into the doctor's, says "I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains..."

And the doctor says, "Pull yourself together then."

Nervous breakdown?

Forget it. Alzheimer's?

Forget it. Alzheimer's.

Forget the joke, mate.

No, he means pull yourself together...

Like a pair of curtains.

I pretends to not get jokes cos it really annoys him.

Right, let's get you all sorted.

Oh, nice.

What do you do normally then?

What do you mean?

For a job?

I ain't got a job have I? I got caught nicking shoes.

Well, is this something you'd like to do?

I thought I had to do it?

No, I mean for like a career or something?

Nah.

Well, what would you like to do then?

Dunno. Kardashians and that.

Brilliant. Right. Let's get you started.

Why've you got a haircut like a paedophile?

Good point.

When are you opening your salon again?

Oh, why is everyone weird in here?

'I know it's not a great hairstyle, it's not a style,

'I don't style it like this. This is how it is.'

What I find strange is the way it's never come into fashion.

When you think of all the different things that have come

and gone - platform shoes and long sideburns, dungarees,

this has never been picked up. No heart throb in a Hollywood

film has ever had this, and I just feel like that that just sums

it up, that's... I'm sort of unlucky in life,

I've got a shit haircut, forget it, you're not gonna get anywhere.

Yeah, I'd shave it off, or wear a wig if I was you.

What difference would it make to me life?

Seriously?

Your head would be warmer.

Good point.

Well, the bedrooms are just through this way.

You're gonna help me make some beds.

Oh, that's nasty. Do you have to touch anything?

Well, yeah.

Do you wear gloves?

What? To change beds?

Yeah, but old people bed, though.

Well, I think it's better to save the gloves for when you're doing

the urinals, otherwise you don't really feel the benefit.

Fuck's sake.

Do you answer your parents back like that?

No-one to answer back to, we don't talk too much.

Well, did you used to talk to your teachers like that then?

Yeah, all the time - dickheads.

Except for Mr Matthews who was quite fit.

But didn't really go to school much anyway.

I didn't do that well at school, you know.

You can learn loads of stuff outside school.

You're never too old to learn something.

Do you read?

Yeah.

What do you read?

Twitter.

Well, OK...

She's not a bad kid, she's just never been told she'd amount to

anything, she's never had any role models, like teachers and authority

figures, it's all celebrities now, innit, and footballer's wives.

Still, you know, I wouldn't mind a bit of David Beckham,

so long as he didn't speak.

Wouldn't want him to speak. He'd be mute.

A mute Beckham would be lovely.

Oh, fuck...

they're having a laugh, in't they?

That is disgusting.

Looks like it could still bite me hand off.

Well, where do you get your nails done?

Did 'em myself.

Really?

Yeah, duh.

You're cleverer than me.

Well you can't be very clever then cos I'm thick.

Don't think a thick person could do art.

Tea?

Oh, yeah, how do you want it?

I mean do you want a cup of tea?

Sorry, you're busy.

Oh, yeah, please.

How do you take it?

Two sugars?

OK.

Have you got a boyfriend?

No, not at the moment.

Not at the moment.

Have you? No.

Anyone takes your fancy in here?

Not really, no.

Really? Oh, I dunno.

No, my husband died when he was quite young,

and I never really found anybody else, you know...

Oh, hang on, Lizzie, let me... let me...

50 years old. I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm 50.

Well, 50's young. I mean, 50's the new 40.

Yep.

60's the new 50, then 70's the new 60.

What's 80?

80's still 80, you're fucked.

What about 90?

You don't have to worry about that.

Lizzie's 80, ain't ya?

Lizzie?

You're 80.

Am I?

Yep.

Oi. Why don't you take Derek down the library now, a bit early,

so I can make his birthday cake?

- Now? - Yeah.

What?

Just saying, maybe go down the library a bit early.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah, get some books out.

See you later then.

See you later.

We need Kev.

We don't need Kev.

- What? - We don't need Kev.

You shouldn't say that. We don't need Kev. Never do.

It's a sentence that should never be said.

Kev?

Kev isn't needed, leave him.

Kev. Coming to the library?

We're going to the library. Take some books back, get some books out.

Once a week, and then read them, bring 'em back,

take 'em back out again, innit?

Dougie takes us to the library, don't you?

It's just to get them out the home, really.

Some of them don't bother getting a book.

Hannah says, you know, get 'em out, give 'em a bit of fresh air.

Which is funny, really.

When you're stuck on a bus with Kev, you're getting very little fresh air.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait for everyone.

Old people here.

Some of them get books, some don't.

Some just come here to sit down and nod off.

They might as well be back in the home.

But then again, you know,

when you're their age, are you really going to start reading books?

They might not get through it.

Anyway, I don't know what's...if there's any books aimed at the old.

It's all autobiographies, innit?

Justin Bieber's just brought one out, you know him?

Only about 12. An autobiography out.

Full chapter about how he blow dries his hair.

Cooking books. How many cooking books do we need?

You go in WH Smith and look at the book charts -

every one of them's a cook book,

and they wonder why the country's getting fat.

Kev comes along, I don't know what he comes here for.

Well, I do know what he comes here for, he's looking for nudity.

If there's a book in here with nudity in it, he finds it.

Amateur photography. I can guarantee she'll be in black and white

with her kit off by page ten.

Tits. Bingo.

Hello, love. Can I get that out, please?

You can't take magazines out, I'm afraid.

OK. Well, you got a toilet?

Upstairs.

Smashing.

No shame whatsoever, really.

Now look at Derek - I'll bet you he's looking at a book with cats in.

Every time he comes here, the same book, the same cats.

He's fascinated by it.

It's kittens, my favourite. I loves 'em, I wants to...

But you've got to be careful, cos you want to squeeze 'em,

but you've got to be careful.

And I likes old cats, I likes all the ones in between. Look, it's all cats.

Boss-eyed!

I loves boss-eyed cats. Er...

Look, that's what a cat looks like...

..inside.

I've seen that in the road before.

Except that wasn't... It was over there.

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Derek

Happy birthday to you.

Thank you. Hot. It's hot.

Go on, blow them out.

Yeah!

Is that my presents?

- Yeah. - Shall I open them?

I'll get a cake knife.

Yeah. Everyone can have a bit of cake.

Spot Garden Birds.

Long-tailed tit.

He's only saying that to say "tit".

Thank you.

I've just been filling in your assessment form.

So how do you think you're getting on?

Yeah, it's all right.

Yeah?

I put, "Victoria is a real asset,

"she learns quickly and she gets on with everyone,

"and the residents love her

"and she's clearly a smart and conscientious young lady.

"Ten out of ten for effort."

Oh, what's the matter, darling?

Oh, I've just never got ten out of ten for anything before.

Oh, that's silly.

Everything's not a test.

I'll bet you're brilliant at loads of stuff!

No-one's ever been this nice to me before either.

Oh. Well, you're rubbish, then! How's that?

That's better.

It's not just you, it's everything.

It's just nice being here.

I don't think I've ever been in a nice place before.

Well, how does that feel?

Yeah, I like it.

Oh, come here, don't be silly.

Oh, I feel like a right div, now.

Um, I was wondering if maybe I could, I dunno, come back next week?

What? As a volunteer?

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be brilliant!

Yeah? Yes!

All right.

Excellent!

Derek, are you going to throw up?

Yeah. Right, come with me.

You what?! What did you give him that for?

Look at the state of him, you idiot!

Uurrgh!

You all right, babe?

No, I wish I was dead!

What's up with him?

What'd you give him Special Brew for?

I didn't force him, did I? Like some kind of foie-gras goose!

Look at the state of him. What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Unbelievable.

Prostate.

My life.

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