All language subtitles for Crunch Time s01e05 The Party Of The Century

Oh, what's up, guys?

Hello, Sam.

Hi.

You're looking pretty fresh, Sam.

Hannah: Are you...

Wearing cologne?

They gave me a little bag with some
sample packs of different products.

- Oh. That's nice.
- Yeah.

- Just different, small... Okay.
- Connor: Stop talking.

They got this face cream...

Feels... feels good. It feels
like it's really moisturizing.

What the fuck did you tell them?

I...

You know I don't like talking to you.

- We know, sir.
- Okay then, why am I talking to you?

- Sir, there's a situation, and...
- No, stop. Situation.

I don't want to know about situations.

Sir, with all due respect, putting
your head in the sand is not

- going to...
- Head in the sand?

Mullins, you need to get
your head out of your ass!

You do not exist.

Your Jekyll and Hyde science
facility does not exist.

So for fuck's sake, make sure
your situation doesn't exist.

You ready to let me
kick things up a notch?

Make the call.

So, let me get this straight.

They gave you a bath and cologne,

but all they keep giving
me is shit burgers?

You got shit burgers too?

Yeah, we're all just
getting shit burgers.

If there's some weird shit cook doing
the Iron Chef doo doo challenge...!

- What did you tell them, Sam?
- Nothing.

Okay, don't you see
whats happening here?

They're trying to turn us against each
other. I didn't give them anything.

[Door opens]

Sam gave us the address
to your warehouse.

- I fucking knew it, Sam!
- [Hushed] You said you wouldn't tell.

Well that's before I
found 13 innocent people

barely clinging onto life in that
freak show crack den of yours.

Well... least they're alive.

- Shut up!
- Hannah: Oh.

- Now, you've been lying to us.
- Just come clean.

And we don't want to
hear any more stories

- about Sam shitting his pants.
- Never happened.

- Or Berkman's missing dick?
- I told you that in confidence.

We want to know how in the fuck
you created that goddamn hole.

Okay.

Here's the thing... and I know
this isn't what you want to hear.

But we honestly don't know.

- Bullshit.
- You have 30 minutes

to tell us about the rift.

It's your last chance.

What happens after 30 minutes?

Agent Hobbs has just put a call
in to our best interrogator.

You see, he's... [Inhales deeply]

Broke the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Isis...

And he will break you if
you don't start spilling.

Clock's ticking.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

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Sync, corrections & transcription by
hawken45 & PetaG for www.addic7ed.com

Mullins: So...

_

Party of the century.

What happened?

Look...

we tried to invite you
guys, we really did,

but the e-vite must have gotten
caught in your spam folder, and...

Stop antagonizing them.

[Scoffs] I don't know
how to stop anything.

It's actually a problem.

Listen to your girlfriend, Berkman.

- I'm not his girlfriend.
- She's not his girlfriend.

Shut up! Just shut up!

Want to know what I think?

I think you guys know
exactly what's going on.

I think you're playing dumb.

I think you know how the rift happened,

and I think it all
comes back to this party.

Now, you got 25 minutes,

and if you don't tell
me about this hole,

and about the party, and
how it all connects...

then I swear to God,
you will be praying...

praying for shit
burgers and broken noses.

So who wants to dance first?

I guess for me, it started just
a few days before my birthday.

Unreal, dudes.

That was like a movie.

A really good movie that I was in!

I'm super into mash-ups right now,

so I was trying to bring you to
Citizen Kane with Boondock Saints.

We're so happy you're satisfied.

Yeah, do you think I could get
in a few buddies for next week?

Yeah, we're happy to schedule
your friends some time.

Hey, Sam, get the calendar out.

Uh, no, I mean like all together.

- Oh, we don't do that, so...
- What he means...

is we don't do Discover.

Is that a... oh, that's
a MasterCard, great.

So, what were you saying about
getting your friends in here?

Yeah, I have a lot of buddies who'd pay

top dollar to get in
here all at the same time.

All at the same time.

Yeah, it's like next level party.

Oh, of course.

Uh, what about next Saturday?

Ya, I think I could make that work.

Um, but because of the extra

- neural capacitors and shit...
- Oh...

I don't want to bore you with it.

We're gonna have to
charge a little bit extra.

- Yeah, it is. It's like $2,500 extra...
- Mm-hmm.

- per person.
- Yeah.

My gosh, that's like 10k for party.

Yeah, but it's like next
level of partying, so...

Well, yeah, I mean, uh, my... my
buddy Devon, he's like a trust fund kid

and totally rich, dude.

- Yeah.
- Uh, so I'll see you next Saturday!

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Do you think you can
bring some girls too?

Devon will pay for their entrance fee.

He has very low self esteem.

Yeah, I know, um, so many girls. So...

- Okay! Fantastic!
- Berkman: Great! Great.

So, Sam, get him on the
calendar for Saturday!

- Berkman: Yeah!
- Hop to it!

Todd, I will see you out.

Oh, it's Taj. The D's are silent.

Hannah: I'm sorry. How
culturally insensitive.

- Oh, my God!

- Okay. That was great.
- That was crazy!

- You were good. You were amazing.
- That was unbelievable. You were good.

- How did you do that?
- Berkman: I didn't do anything,

- I was just following your lead.
- Hannah: I just said the 2500,

like, I don't even know how
I came up with it. I just...

- _
- Connor: Your birthday?!

Sam, you were turning 28, I can't
think of a less consequential age.

More inconsequential.

- What?
- Not more

- inconsequential. That's redundant.
- More inconsequential. Yeah,

- No less consequential's right.
- more inconsequential. It's the most...

- inconsequential thing.
- No one says...

What I said was grammatically correct.

[All talking over one another]

- I'm gonna to learn guitar this year.
- Shut up!

Just shut up! Shut up.

Back to the story!

French kiss...

then from both sides of their head.

- And, and confetti, confetti Sp...
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- spurts out.
- Okay, ah, guys?

It all sounds really cool
but I think you might be

forgetting something else that's
already happening on that day?

- Like what?
- Yeah.

Nothing else special
happens on Saturday.

Okay? You... you're screwing
with me, I get it okay. You know.

- Know what, Sam?
- _

- Hey,
- Oh...

the Pillsbury Doughbaby is
home a little early, huh?

Yeah, my fencing instructor
went back to rehab. What is this?

This... is the future of our company.

We have a client who wants
to have a party next Saturday.

And he would like to hook up
all of his friends at once.

[Laughing] No.

No, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

Guys, the brain frame is maxed out
at three participants plus one host.

He will pay us $2,500 per person.

And he's got six people
already lined up, ready to go.

Mm, no, no, no. Can't do it.

The science says it cannot
be done, so, uh, gotta cancel.

Do something else that night.

- Well, maybe it... it... it could work.
- What?

If we could find a host with
a neural capacity capable of

- handling such an increased load...
- Connor, just cut the bullshit.

We would need to find someone...

With a brain that was, for
lack of a better word, empty.

- Empty?
- Vacuous. Void. Vacant. No thought.

Well, I do have a great uncle
who's in a vegetative state.

- No, no, no. That won't work.
- Oh, God!

We need to find someone with
a healthy brain, uh, innocent,

- child-like.
- I got an 11-year-old niece,

- but, she's kind of a dick.
- [Sighs]

Oh, right... no, I'm actually
way ahead of you on this.

I didn't want to say anything before,
but I've had this idea for a while now.

Wow! So you're gonna steal my
ide... our idea right in front of us.

It's not stealing, Berkman.

Okay? It is just the next
logical step in this technology.

Before we go global.

- Global?
- Global!

And I've been prepping a
subject just for this in earnest.

What? Who?

Guys?

I can't find Mr. Peanuts...

Just kidding, he's right
here in my backpack!

For a double dose of cuteness.

Me and him. [Chuckles]

You should have seen your guys faces'.

- I Burn Noticed you.
- Larry.

It's time.

Wait, for what?

For...

[Hushed] for the thing we talked about.

Oh yeah.

?

It's time.

?

That's why you kept Larry around.

Sam made sense,

'cause of his access to
money and his father's clout.

Berkman and Hannah had
somewhat raw skill sets,

and a lack of a moral
center, but Larry...

Was plastic.

Sure, all of my brilliant ideas
that he touched turned to shit,

But his brain was...

Malleable.

And like all weak-minded people, all
he ever wanted was to be included.

Okay guys, we've only got five
days, so we need to completely.

cleanse Larry's brain power.

Let me just say, guys, I,
um, I feel truly honored

- to be a part of... You got it.
- Shut the fuck up, Larry.

Every one of you has
important roles to play here.

Berkman, I need you upping
his brain's fantasy quotient.

I want to give people a good show.

?

Keeping in mind, your version of
fantasy is very different than his.

- ?
- _

?

[Laughing] Oh, my God, a baby elephant!

Hannah, I need you to do
an extensive psych eval.

We need to find out what his fears,
triggers, and darkest secrets might be.

Puppy in a windmill.

Great.

- Pfft! Easy, a pup wearing a silly hat.
- Okay.

Oh, my mom didn't love me.

What?

A puppy under a waterfall!
Look at him gettin' all wet!

That is a... that's a
puppy under a water...

I'll be sending a brain wave
readout after each and every test.

But remember.... you
can't increase the load.

We're pushing the
boundaries far enough as is.

- So don't tell anyone else about this.
- Yeah, of course.

I'm talking, like, you can do anything

- you want in there. Like, what is your
- Yeah...

- greatest, like, craziest desire?
- yeah.

I just always thought about, like,

a spider, but then he'd be grabbing

- my boobs from behind.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Imagine your dick is so big, you can
do cocaine off the tip of your own dick.

You like cocaine?

?

?

Wait, what about me?

You are...

- going to be the navigator.
- What?

Well, um, it's a very important job.

You know, Larry can't do it, so
I need someone else I can trust...

So, uh, you're telling me I
gotta be out here watching the

computers while you guys are
in there partying with uh...

- unicorns and... and rainbows...
- No! No, no, no, no.

Nothing like that. You... you... you
have critical things to do out here.

You have to, um...

you have to monitor our theta waves.

You have to check our vitals.

Um...

Uh, I... I don't know, watching
a party can be fun too, right?

But...

But it was my birthday.

You know, they... they threw
the party of the century.

And they didn't even invite me.

Wait, Sam. Hey....

Come on, don't leave. We'll...
we'll do something fun on Sunday.

No, Hannah, it's not
about the day, okay?

Don't you see? I... I am...

I'm useless here.

You guys would be better without me.

That's not true. Don't say that.

I'm sick of doing all the shitty work.

Okay, maybe you've found
your life's purpose here

and that's fantastic
for you, but like...

This is, it's just a big reminder
of what I will never have.

Which is... [mouths "what"]

[Laugh ruefully]

You.

I...

[Car door opening and closing]

[Sighs]

[Phone ringing]

M.W. Energy, where the world's
energy is sold. How may I help you?

Hi, um, may I speak
to Montgomery, please?

I'm sorry, he's in a very
important meeting right now

may I ask who's calling?

- It's Sam.
- Sam.... Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

Uh, I'm sorry, I don't see a Sam here.

- His... his son. Sam.
- Oh!

His son.

Of course. Ah, one moment please.

So I say, "Mr. Prime Minister,
your mistress may be gorgeous"...

but your economy is ugly as fuck."

[Laughing]

That's a great story, Monty.

I know, that's why I told it.

[Laughing]

Phone call, Mr. Wittington.

Call me "Mister" again, and I'll
break your nose with my Nobel prize.

- Pardon?
- I'm a doctor, fuck face.

Montgomery here.

Dr. Wittington, I have
Sam on the line for you.

What, Linda's divorce lawyer?

I already told that prick if he
wants another dollar, he can find it

buried up Satan's ass.

No. Sam Wittington.

Your son?

Samuel? We don't have a call
scheduled for today, do we?

No, sir.

Okay, B. We knew this day would come.

Email me that script of
culturally appropriate

things to say when your
son comes out of the closet.

I'm about to be secretary of energy.

I can't be trapped in the dark ages.

I think he just wants
to speak to his father.

Okay, put him through.

Samuel. What is it?

Hey, dad. Uh...

Just turned midnight.

Terrific.

It just turned... it
just turned midnight.

It's April 9th now.

Sam, I'm in New Zealand
at an energy summit.

It's been April 9th for 19 hours.

Did you call to discuss the time zones?

No sir.

Did you have a pressing
matter of business?

No, sir, I guess not.

- Did you kill a prostitute?
- What? No.

I'm picking up hesitation, Sam.

Look, Dad, it's a... weird question.

Okay...

- Beatrice?
- Yes sir?

Email Roger the notes from this
call, and setup another call

between Samuel and myself for 3 weeks
so we can discuss this matter further.

- Will do, Dr. Wittington.
- Samuel, I've gotta go.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Okay, Sam, what's your
avail like on the 24th?

I see I have a... 12:15,
a 3:45, a 6 o'clock...

- [Scoffs] Fuck off.
- an 8 o'clock.

- John. It's M.
- Sure.

I want you to put a tail of Samuel.
I want to know what he's up to.

- [Indistinct on far end of phone]
- No, no. Not the lawyer.

My son.

We already have a tail on the lawyer.

- [Phone beeps]
- [Exhales deeply]

Little matter of business.

_

[Gasps]

- Somebody's birthday?
- Oh shit.

This was supposed to be a surprise.

How'd you know I'd come back?

[Laughs] Educated guess.

[Only slightly hushed] Based on past
behavior and a rigorous psych veal.

Glad to know you care.

What... what is all the... I
thought it was gonna be six people.

Oh. Hannah and Berkman
got a little carried away.

How much did they raise the price?

Double. We're gonna make,
like, 50 grand today.

- Hey, take a look at this thing.
- What do ya got?

Think of it as a, uh, virtual reality
periscope into the brain frame.

Okay.

So, wait, like I can go inside?

No. You can peek inside.

In case anybody's vitals
spike, this will give us an idea

as to whether or not it was just a
quick glitch, or a serious problem.

It's still got some kinks

- I need to work out.
- Uh-huh.

It's running on a slight
delay, and it only streams in

10 to 15 second intervals, but still...

So, theoretically, I could
go into the party for a bit.

Absolutely not.

This is for emergencies only.

Like, birthday emergencies.

No.

Now, if there were a real problem...

- Mm-hmm.
- you would select the dreamer here,

- and then you push control-shift-F9.
- _

- Control-shift-F9.
- And that will wake the user up

- slowly and safely.
- [Door opens]

- No, you can't hold your breath
- I swear. Yes, I can.

- for six minutes. I mean...
- Do you wanna bet?!

Oh, hey! You're back.

It's okay, guys. He knows
about the surprise party.

Well, I was gonna get you
Zima, but they were out,

so I got you that Hef you like.

- Welcome back, birthday boy.
- Thanks, man.

Sam.

Are you good with all this?

Ya. I got it.

He did not.

Fucking. Get it.

- ?
- _

?

? Well, I heard a lot of talk ?

? Of that thing that you can do ?

? You think nobody else can
do it half as good as you ?

? But it take two to boogaloo ?

? And I can't do it alone, ugh! ?

? Are you ready ?

? Are you ready ?

? Are you ready ?

? Well, come on! ?

? Yeah, ugh! ?

? Let's get on boogie tonight ?

? Come on ?

? Let's get on with it ?

? Come on now ?

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Hello.

Hello?

Who's there?

[Echoing whisper]
It is I. It is you. Together.

We are one.

[Electronic music playing]

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Ladies and gentlemen...

DJ Larry is about to
make all your dreams come!

Let me hear that
motherfucking needle drop!

?

[Squelching noises]

[Squelching noises continue]

[Squelching from game]

- ?
- I love cotton candy!

Come on, stick to me!

- ?
- [Cackling laughter]

- [Horse whinnying]
- [Bizarre rooster crow]

?

[Gas match flicking]

[Gas match flicking]

?

- Yo, DJ Van Dien.
- What up, Larry?

Drop me another sick-ass beat!

?

Come on, you ants, you
wanna dance forever?!

?

?

[Music becomes muted]

?

Hey, do you wanna go somewhere else?

What, this magical dream
rave is too boring for you?

?

- It's kinda weird. Come on.
- [Laughing] Uh-huh.

Okay.

?

[Keyboard clacking]

?

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What?

Woman: Ugh!

Berkman: So... cool...

[Chuckling] What's this one?

- Berkman: You can... go in. After you.
- No. You go first.

I don't... I'll go in
to make sure it's safe.

[Mellow groove music playing]

Yeah, I... sort of
come out here to think.

- Clear my head a little bit. Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- And have orgies.
- Yeah. Yeah. Couple of orgies.

[Laughs]

Ah, except it's kind of
hard when you seem to be

missing the most
important part every time.

Oh, right.

Oh, God, Freud would
have a field day with you.

Well, Freud's a German pervert.

Oh, Austrian... actually.

Definitely a pervert.
Kind of a dick, too.

Oh... is that sensitive?

- Yeah, Hannah, come on. Please don't.
- [Laughs]

[Both chuckle]

I think we make a really good team.

Hannah: Yeah.

I think so too.

[Nervous chuckle]

[Growls and pants]

_

What?

Control, Shift, F, 9.

- [Beeping]
- Control, Shift, F, 9!

What?

- [Muttering] Control, Shift, F, 9
- [Beeping continues]

- Come on!
- [Beeping intensifying]

- [Rapid beeping]
- Control, Shift, F, 9!

Not F and 9!

F9! It's one key.

Well, someone should
have clarified that.

Well, you shouldn't have been snooping.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have fucked Berkman.

- I did not fuck Berkman!
- I saw you!

- You didn't.
- No, Sam.

I stopped it.

- [Scoffs]
- She stopped it.

- I'm sorry. No, I shouldn't have.
- No...

It's okay. Um...

This is gonna sound
kind of strange, but...

I actually think you're
a halfway decent guy.

Well, you know, nobody's
ever said that about me.

You are. You're smart, and...

reliable, and...

- Patient.
- and patient.

- Generous.
- Generous...?

- Humble.
- So many things.

We just, we have a good thing
going on, and I don't wanna...

ruin it by getting
involved with someone.

Yeah. No. We...

Wow, that's... so...
I was gonna say that.

I can't even believe
that you kissed me back.

- Yeah, no. I didn't.
- I... I do...

I think that we do make a
great... business partnership.

And, I... I really do,
you know, value you.

You gotta... even just saying that...

I feel like I'm starting to lactate.

What, did I say something stupid?

No... your nose.

- Argh! What the fuck?!
- You son of a bitch!

- [Groans]
- Berkman: Get...!

Berkman: Fuck!

- Berkman?
- Stop it!

I know krav maga!

- How could you... on my birthday?!
- No, you don't understand!

Fuck you!

- Ugh!
- [Arcing]

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, his helmet!

[System powering down]

Awww...

?

[System whirs back up]

[Crowd cheers]

?

Oh, shit, shit!

Connor: Guys, what the
hell is going on up there?

We got a problem.

- Larry's vitals are going haywire.
- _

- Connor: What did you do?
- He just got disconnected for

one second. Holy shit, Connor!

Connor!

Woman: Aww!

Connor, what's happening?

- The power went out.
- God, you must've blown the breaker.

- We're running on backup battery.
- Backup battery?

Is... is that good? That's good
that we have a backup battery, right?

No, that's bad! Very bad!

- We only have 13 minutes of power left!
- What happens then?

Then you stir fry the
brains of 15 fucking people!

Oh no...

So, is the party over?

[Music glitching]

[Crazy chuckling]

[Horse roaring]

Sam, what's happening to Larry?

Hey, Larry!

Uh, Connor?

Connor?!

Berkman?

[Music glitching]

- Holy shit.
- [Knocking]

[Knocking]

Uh oh.

Looks like the sick
son of a bitch is early.

Come on in.

Hey, hey, hey, everybody!

[Door closes]

Woo!

Four!

Fun.

So.... how's everybody doing today?

- All but Berkman: Not good. Terrible.
- All right, I guess, considering.

Well, I am really,
really sorry to hear that.

And I wish I could tell ya it's
gonna get better from here...

[Knife blades zing and clatter]

but it's not.

Nope.

You guys...

are fuuuuuuucked.

- [Crunch]
- [Blade zings]

Sync, corrections & transcription by
hawken45 & PetaG for www.addic7ed.com

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