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- [PHONES RINGING DISTANTLY]
- [KEYS CLACKING]
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00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:07,257
[MOUSE CLICKS, EMAIL SWOOSHES]
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[SIGHS]
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[SIPS]
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Hey, Matt.
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00:00:16,452 --> 00:00:18,756
Got your email with the report.
Thanks so much for sending.
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00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:21,078
Question: did you CC John on that?
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00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:22,813
Uh, yes. I believe I did.
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Oh, that's interesting,
'cause I'm looking
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at that email right now, and you didn't.
11
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Oh.
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You BCC'd me.
13
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Oh. Uh...
14
00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:33,090
You still got the email then, right?
15
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- I did.
- Look.
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00:00:34,213 --> 00:00:35,586
I know you're new around here,
so I just want to
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00:00:35,611 --> 00:00:37,829
make sure that you understand
the email protocol.
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00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:41,497
You always CC both John and I
on all work emails,
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'cause if you BCC him,
then I can't check
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00:00:44,102 --> 00:00:46,204
to make sure that you CC'd him, hmm?
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Got it.
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- I made a mistake.
- Great.
23
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Question: why did you make that mistake?
24
00:00:51,775 --> 00:00:53,511
Um...
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I guess I'm a little tired this morning.
26
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- Aww, gosh.
- Uh-huh.
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00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,514
Why are you so tired?
28
00:00:58,515 --> 00:01:01,184
I have anxiety that sometimes
keeps me up at night.
29
00:01:01,185 --> 00:01:03,119
What causes this anxiety?
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00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,788
I guess sometimes
I feel like this can be
31
00:01:04,789 --> 00:01:06,923
sort of a confrontational
work environment.
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Hey, bud, Hampton DeVille encourages
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00:01:08,593 --> 00:01:10,261
aggressive confrontational criticism.
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Why don't you like confrontation?
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Defend your position.
36
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Oh. Uh...
37
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No, I mean, I think
confrontation is a good thing.
38
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It's just sometimes confrontation
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hurts my job performance
40
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and damages my personal wellbeing.
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00:01:21,405 --> 00:01:22,639
Uh-oh; well, if you can't
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manage your emotions, Matt,
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what makes you think you're qualified
44
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to manage people at this company?
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Honestly, I don't know.
46
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Oh.
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I never really saw myself here.
48
00:01:31,651 --> 00:01:34,585
I mean, after college,
I volunteered for a program
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teaching underprivileged kids
because I wanted to help people,
50
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but then one of the students stabbed me,
51
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and the school was pretty dirty
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and I just realized
I wasn't cut out for it.
53
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So I moved back in with my parents,
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which, I'm pretty sure
led to them getting a divorce,
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because that's what
they told me happened.
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Then I worked a series of jobs
that eventually landed me here,
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where I'm just a cog
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in a soulless corporate machine,
and I'm not...
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00:02:00,044 --> 00:02:01,880
Okay, well, just make sure that you CC
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00:02:01,881 --> 00:02:03,781
both John and I on all work emails.
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It's a simple mistake,
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00:02:05,049 --> 00:02:06,283
but it's just important
to follow protocol.
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Yes.
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00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,352
Jake, question:
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00:02:09,353 --> 00:02:10,555
why do you think it's okay
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to come in to work
with your shirt untucked?
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Because life is meaningless,
and nothing we do matters.
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Okay, great.
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- Have a great day, you two.
- Thanks, guys.
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[ROCK MUSIC]
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? ?
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[MANIC LAUGHTER]
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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Hampton DeVille has emerged
as one of the largest,
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most profitable corporations
in the world,
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with over 300,000 employees
internationally,
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their footprint
stretches across the globe.
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Under the leadership
of their CEO Christian DeVille,
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00:02:54,498 --> 00:02:56,633
they've become market leaders
in everything
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00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:59,970
from agricultural goods
to pharmaceuticals,
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00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,607
from household appliances
to industrial weaponry.
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You've probably heard their slogan.
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00:03:05,543 --> 00:03:08,412
Hampton DeVille: we make everything.
84
00:03:08,413 --> 00:03:10,380
But now they are attempting
to muscle their way
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up the highly competitive tech industry.
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Today marks the launch of the Obelisk,
87
00:03:17,722 --> 00:03:20,055
Hampton DeVille's touch screen tablet
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which boasts a screen
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eight times the size of the iPad.
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00:03:24,062 --> 00:03:27,632
But that launch may be in jeopardy
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00:03:27,633 --> 00:03:29,701
after an insensitive tweet was sent out
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00:03:29,702 --> 00:03:32,470
from Hampton DeVille's
twitter account earlier today.
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As Hurricane Letisha continues
to devastate the Gulf Coast,
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Hampton DeVille tweeted,
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00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:40,378
"Was your house blown away
by Hurricane Letisha?
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"Pick up the Obelisk
to follow hurricane news.
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You'll be blown away by the size."
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In response to the offensive tweet,
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the Internet is calling for
a boycott of the Obelisk.
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00:03:51,222 --> 00:03:53,723
[BLADE SHINGS]
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[GRUNTS]
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[METALLIC CLANG, HEAVY THUD]
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00:03:57,494 --> 00:03:59,262
[GRUNTS]
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00:03:59,263 --> 00:04:02,266
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUILDS DRAMATICALLY]
105
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:09,707
? ?
106
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,341
Do you think we're gonna
get to eat anything today?
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00:04:11,342 --> 00:04:12,543
Don't count on it.
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There's a rigid food hierarchy here.
109
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Executives get first pick,
then junior executives,
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00:04:16,782 --> 00:04:18,582
then us, the junior executives
in training.
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00:04:18,583 --> 00:04:20,450
$500 billion corporation.
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00:04:20,451 --> 00:04:22,353
and they never have enough
bagels for everyone.
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00:04:22,354 --> 00:04:23,954
Why didn't you eat breakfast
before work?
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00:04:23,955 --> 00:04:25,189
I didn't have time.
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00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:27,457
I hit the snooze button
15 times this morning,
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00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:30,627
which is a new record that
I'm actually kind of proud of.
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Did you eat anything?
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00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:32,762
No.
119
00:04:32,763 --> 00:04:33,863
I'm trying to watch my figure.
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I want to have a hot body
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00:04:35,366 --> 00:04:36,966
'cause I'm tired of
developing my personality.
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00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:38,435
Yeah, I've been there.
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Yum.
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I love eclairs.
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00:04:41,138 --> 00:04:43,307
Oh, my God. This is so good.
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00:04:43,308 --> 00:04:46,642
I'm gonna take two.
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Aggressive.
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00:04:47,744 --> 00:04:49,279
Confident.
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00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,949
I like that you're not afraid
to take what you want.
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00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:54,985
[BOTH MUNCHING AND MOANING]
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Damn it. There's only two bagels left.
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Whoa, have you seen this tweet
the company sent out?
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00:04:59,022 --> 00:05:00,591
The Internet is freaking out about it.
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00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,827
"You'll be blown away by the size"?
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00:05:02,828 --> 00:05:04,094
Jesus Christ.
136
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,428
We're living inside of a nightmare.
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00:05:05,429 --> 00:05:08,432
[EERIE OMINOUS MUSIC]
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00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,800
? ?
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00:05:09,801 --> 00:05:11,702
Why in the [Bleep]
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00:05:11,703 --> 00:05:14,004
is everyone
standing around eating bagels
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00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:16,274
while we are being crucified
on the Internet?
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00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,375
Spit out those bagels!
We have work to do!
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00:05:18,376 --> 00:05:21,379
[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]
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00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,512
? ?
145
00:05:22,513 --> 00:05:23,514
[METALLIC CRASHING]
146
00:05:23,515 --> 00:05:24,949
No!
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00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,149
Sorry.
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00:05:26,150 --> 00:05:29,286
Everyone in this room,
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00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:31,056
look to your left.
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00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:35,625
Now...
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00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,961
look to your right.
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00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:40,964
100% of those people
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00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:44,334
are ruining my [Bleep] day.
154
00:05:44,335 --> 00:05:46,235
Look, that one over there's still good.
155
00:05:46,236 --> 00:05:47,637
I'm gonna get it after the meeting.
156
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,473
Yeah, but there's no cream cheese.
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00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,476
[WHISPERS] On the wall over there.
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Into developing the Obelisk,
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00:05:52,909 --> 00:05:55,144
and now its success is being threatened
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00:05:55,145 --> 00:05:56,814
by a [Bleep] tweet.
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00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,315
? ?
162
00:05:59,316 --> 00:06:00,584
[Bleep] you.
163
00:06:00,585 --> 00:06:02,586
? ?
164
00:06:02,587 --> 00:06:04,322
I wish I could be more like Christian.
165
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:06,423
Why? He acts like a complete psychopath
166
00:06:06,424 --> 00:06:07,490
and nobody stands up to him.
167
00:06:07,491 --> 00:06:08,591
Exactly.
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00:06:08,592 --> 00:06:09,694
He fought his way to the top,
169
00:06:09,695 --> 00:06:10,995
and now he gets to treat people
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like they're his personal service dogs.
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00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:14,264
If I ever get to the top,
I'm gonna at least
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make sure everyone gets a goddamn bagel.
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Don't worry.
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00:06:17,234 --> 00:06:18,368
You'll be corrupted by power.
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00:06:18,369 --> 00:06:19,435
That's part of growing up.
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00:06:19,436 --> 00:06:21,171
I want to tell you a story.
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00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,772
It's about a shepherd.
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00:06:23,773 --> 00:06:26,209
One day, he lost his entire flock.
179
00:06:26,210 --> 00:06:28,447
I mean, every single sheep took off
180
00:06:28,448 --> 00:06:30,214
except one.
181
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:31,781
? ?
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00:06:31,782 --> 00:06:33,117
So there he is, out in the middle
183
00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:35,353
of this open field with just one sheep,
184
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,021
and what do you think he did?
185
00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:39,055
? ?
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00:06:39,056 --> 00:06:42,625
He pulled out a gun,
and he blew its brains out.
187
00:06:42,626 --> 00:06:45,795
Then he went out
and got himself a real job,
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00:06:45,796 --> 00:06:47,464
because being a shepherd
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00:06:47,465 --> 00:06:50,466
pays shit.
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00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:53,137
Well, people, that ain't me.
191
00:06:53,138 --> 00:06:55,639
Because we are in cattle country,
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00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,141
and I am Ben Cartwright,
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00:06:57,142 --> 00:06:59,476
and this is [Bleep] "Bonanza!"
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00:06:59,477 --> 00:07:02,480
[OMINOUS MUSIC CRESCENDOS]
195
00:07:02,481 --> 00:07:04,149
? ?
196
00:07:07,919 --> 00:07:09,418
So how bad is this?
197
00:07:09,419 --> 00:07:11,454
We ran the numbers,
and more people are outraged
198
00:07:11,455 --> 00:07:13,423
about the tweet than they are
about the hurricane.
199
00:07:13,424 --> 00:07:15,259
Comparatively, people like the hurricane
200
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:16,759
more than they like the tweet.
201
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,062
Jesus Christ.
202
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,964
We have got to distract people
from this tweet.
203
00:07:19,965 --> 00:07:21,497
So what are our options?
204
00:07:21,498 --> 00:07:23,267
Can we start a different hurricane?
205
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,502
Have we finished building
that hurricane machine yet?
206
00:07:25,503 --> 00:07:27,603
Uh...
207
00:07:27,604 --> 00:07:29,038
Sir, I... [CLEARS THROAT]
208
00:07:29,039 --> 00:07:31,776
I believe I speak for everyone...
209
00:07:31,777 --> 00:07:33,444
Bruce?
210
00:07:33,445 --> 00:07:34,945
When I say we thought you were joking
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00:07:34,946 --> 00:07:36,346
when you asked us to do that.
212
00:07:36,347 --> 00:07:40,283
I would never joke about hurricanes.
213
00:07:40,284 --> 00:07:42,151
That's what got us into this mess.
214
00:07:42,152 --> 00:07:43,420
Does it ever bother you
215
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,057
that the corporation we work for
is, like, evil?
216
00:07:46,058 --> 00:07:47,457
Every corporation is evil.
217
00:07:47,458 --> 00:07:49,260
- At least we get health benefits.
- Yeah.
218
00:07:50,361 --> 00:07:51,795
Wait. You get health benefits?
219
00:07:51,796 --> 00:07:53,262
Sir,
220
00:07:53,263 --> 00:07:55,232
they're turning you
into a meme on the Internet.
221
00:07:58,001 --> 00:08:01,370
[EERIE OMINOUS MUSIC]
222
00:08:01,371 --> 00:08:03,572
We'll see who has a small penis
223
00:08:03,573 --> 00:08:06,909
once I have my hurricane machine.
224
00:08:06,910 --> 00:08:09,180
And you two need to find out who
wrote that tweet and fire them.
225
00:08:09,181 --> 00:08:10,314
We're on top of it, sir.
226
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:11,848
We will handle it personally.
227
00:08:11,849 --> 00:08:13,251
You two need to find out
228
00:08:13,252 --> 00:08:14,919
who wrote that tweet and fire them.
229
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,453
Thought you guys said you would do it.
230
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,188
Telling you to do it is doing it.
231
00:08:18,189 --> 00:08:19,924
Yeah, you guys should be excited.
232
00:08:19,925 --> 00:08:22,760
We want to use you as our tools
in this situation.
233
00:08:22,761 --> 00:08:24,594
Yes, think of yourself as tools.
234
00:08:24,595 --> 00:08:25,864
You guys are tools.
235
00:08:27,264 --> 00:08:28,766
I don't know if I can fire someone.
236
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,199
I hate confrontation.
237
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,635
When I first met my brother-in-law,
238
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,770
he thought my name was Mark,
and I never corrected him.
239
00:08:33,771 --> 00:08:35,771
So now I just don't go to
Thanksgiving anymore.
240
00:08:35,772 --> 00:08:37,473
Dude, you don't get it. This is big.
241
00:08:37,474 --> 00:08:38,809
Getting to fire someone
242
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,777
is like when a mafia don
sends you on your first hit.
243
00:08:40,778 --> 00:08:42,612
- It means we're in.
- What if I don't want to do it?
244
00:08:42,613 --> 00:08:43,613
Then we get whacked.
245
00:08:43,614 --> 00:08:44,815
I think if I was in the mafia,
246
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:45,949
I would just be the guy
247
00:08:45,950 --> 00:08:47,383
who stayed home and made spaghetti.
248
00:08:47,384 --> 00:08:49,353
This is the first time
in five years of working here
249
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,954
that I've been given any sort of power.
250
00:08:50,955 --> 00:08:53,224
And I'm going to abuse it
for all that it's worth.
251
00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:57,227
Can I tell you something else?
252
00:08:57,228 --> 00:08:59,396
The idea of firing someone
kind of turns me on.
253
00:08:59,397 --> 00:09:01,464
- Your sexuality worries me.
- Me too.
254
00:09:01,465 --> 00:09:03,367
I don't understand
the porn I'm into these days.
255
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:05,536
Jake, please don't tell me
what kind of porn you watch.
256
00:09:05,537 --> 00:09:06,770
Tentacle porn?
257
00:09:06,771 --> 00:09:08,371
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've watched that.
258
00:09:08,372 --> 00:09:10,105
But honestly, nowadays, my ideal porn
259
00:09:10,106 --> 00:09:11,641
would just be all of my ex-girlfriends
260
00:09:11,642 --> 00:09:13,444
saying sorry to me at the same time.
261
00:09:13,445 --> 00:09:15,713
That already exists.
It's called apology bukaki.
262
00:09:15,714 --> 00:09:16,946
Hey, Grace.
263
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:18,549
Hi, guys. What's up?
264
00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:20,952
We need to know who runs the
Hampton DeVille twitter account.
265
00:09:20,953 --> 00:09:22,286
- Okay.
- [KEYS CLACKING]
266
00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:24,054
Looks like that would be Baron.
267
00:09:24,055 --> 00:09:26,622
He's our social media "guru."
268
00:09:26,623 --> 00:09:28,624
Wait. Is this about that tweet?
269
00:09:28,625 --> 00:09:31,326
Yeah, John and Kate said we
have to fire whoever wrote it.
270
00:09:31,327 --> 00:09:33,464
They're finally
letting you guys fire someone?
271
00:09:33,465 --> 00:09:35,431
Congratulations.
272
00:09:35,432 --> 00:09:36,999
Who's gonna pull the trigger?
273
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,002
I am.
274
00:09:38,003 --> 00:09:40,335
He's just gonna watch.
275
00:09:40,336 --> 00:09:43,973
[SORROWFUL OPERA MUSIC]
276
00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:45,309
Look at these people.
277
00:09:45,310 --> 00:09:47,777
Is everyone at this company
clinically depressed?
278
00:09:47,778 --> 00:09:49,313
Everyone here is hanging by a thread.
279
00:09:49,314 --> 00:09:51,082
They could snap at any moment.
280
00:09:51,083 --> 00:09:52,983
These were all children once.
281
00:09:52,984 --> 00:09:54,917
Happy, innocent children.
282
00:09:54,918 --> 00:09:56,920
And now look at them.
How did this happen?
283
00:09:56,921 --> 00:09:58,955
They're all just trying
to fill the void.
284
00:09:58,956 --> 00:09:59,956
The void?
285
00:09:59,957 --> 00:10:01,291
You know,
286
00:10:01,292 --> 00:10:04,094
the emptiness
that exists inside all of us.
287
00:10:04,095 --> 00:10:05,329
Oh, right. Of course.
288
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:06,762
[SORROWFUL OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES]
289
00:10:06,763 --> 00:10:08,098
The void.
290
00:10:08,099 --> 00:10:15,040
? ?
291
00:10:18,609 --> 00:10:19,743
Watch this.
292
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,512
I'm gonna take this guy out.
293
00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:22,713
? ?
294
00:10:22,714 --> 00:10:24,348
[KEYS CLACKING]
295
00:10:24,349 --> 00:10:25,815
Hey, Baron.
296
00:10:25,816 --> 00:10:27,417
Listen up.
297
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,118
We know you wrote that tweet.
298
00:10:29,119 --> 00:10:31,554
You're a bad employee,
an even worse person,
299
00:10:31,555 --> 00:10:33,223
and even bigger loser.
300
00:10:33,224 --> 00:10:35,725
Your only job is to tweet,
301
00:10:35,726 --> 00:10:37,795
yet you still managed
to ruin the reputation
302
00:10:37,796 --> 00:10:41,131
of the entire company, so guess what.
303
00:10:41,132 --> 00:10:42,331
You're fired.
304
00:10:42,332 --> 00:10:45,133
[SCOFFS]
305
00:10:45,134 --> 00:10:46,170
What's your name?
306
00:10:46,171 --> 00:10:47,637
Jake Levinson.
307
00:10:47,638 --> 00:10:50,140
You know what's cool about
the Internet, Jake Levinson?
308
00:10:50,141 --> 00:10:51,842
It keeps a record of
pretty much everything
309
00:10:51,843 --> 00:10:53,776
you ever say or do.
310
00:10:53,777 --> 00:10:55,212
For example, I just found this video
311
00:10:55,213 --> 00:10:56,414
of the punk band
you sang for in college.
312
00:10:56,415 --> 00:10:57,815
Oh, no.
313
00:10:57,816 --> 00:11:00,215
? Don't get a job,
fight the government ?
314
00:11:00,216 --> 00:11:03,087
? Steal from the rich,
punch the president ?
315
00:11:03,088 --> 00:11:04,688
And what's your name?
316
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:06,089
I'm not going to tell you,
because I never figured out
317
00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:08,491
how to deactivate my LiveJournal
from high school.
318
00:11:08,492 --> 00:11:10,495
Listen up, you spineless yuppies!
319
00:11:10,496 --> 00:11:12,496
I [Bleep] own the Internet.
320
00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:15,400
You remember that, uh,
Egyptian revolution in 2011?
321
00:11:15,401 --> 00:11:17,834
I started that shit
with a single hashtag.
322
00:11:17,835 --> 00:11:19,502
I can't point Egypt out on a map,
323
00:11:19,503 --> 00:11:22,004
but I toppled a dictatorship
that ruled for decades
324
00:11:22,005 --> 00:11:24,007
because I was bored.
325
00:11:24,008 --> 00:11:25,242
So don't come in here
326
00:11:25,243 --> 00:11:27,877
pretending like you're in control of me.
327
00:11:27,878 --> 00:11:29,246
[Bleep] you, Mom!
328
00:11:29,247 --> 00:11:33,383
I'm a social media guru.
329
00:11:33,384 --> 00:11:36,185
And you will bow down before me.
330
00:11:36,186 --> 00:11:37,787
Also I didn't tweet it.
331
00:11:37,788 --> 00:11:40,223
It was Richard.
332
00:11:40,224 --> 00:11:43,826
I will not be a slave
to the corporate system.
333
00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:45,094
[MIC THUDS, FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
334
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,796
Hi, Richard, I'm Matt. This is Jake.
335
00:11:46,797 --> 00:11:48,464
We're junior executives in training.
336
00:11:48,465 --> 00:11:49,465
Whoa, executives?
337
00:11:49,466 --> 00:11:50,467
That's cool.
338
00:11:50,468 --> 00:11:51,768
Yes, it is cool.
339
00:11:51,769 --> 00:11:53,103
So, Richard, we understand
you're in charge
340
00:11:53,104 --> 00:11:54,371
of the Hampton DeVille twitter account.
341
00:11:54,372 --> 00:11:55,905
Yep. I get paid to tweet all day.
342
00:11:55,906 --> 00:11:57,306
My job's awesome.
343
00:11:57,307 --> 00:11:59,242
So then you tweeted
the blown away tweet.
344
00:11:59,243 --> 00:12:01,411
Yeah, it seems like people
are really upset about it,
345
00:12:01,412 --> 00:12:03,814
but I think it's really clever,
'cause, see, like,
346
00:12:03,815 --> 00:12:06,815
people were blown away
by Hurricane Letisha,
347
00:12:06,816 --> 00:12:09,919
and I said, "blown away by the size."
348
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:10,920
It's a pun.
349
00:12:10,921 --> 00:12:11,921
People just don't get it.
350
00:12:11,922 --> 00:12:13,323
No, I think everyone got it.
351
00:12:13,324 --> 00:12:14,624
Speaking of getting it,
352
00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:15,992
you might want to bite down
on that fork,
353
00:12:15,993 --> 00:12:17,328
because what I'm
about to say is gonna hurt.
354
00:12:17,329 --> 00:12:18,661
Hold on a second.
355
00:12:18,662 --> 00:12:19,963
Where are you getting
all of that cake from?
356
00:12:19,964 --> 00:12:24,001
Oh, you guys want to see something cool?
357
00:12:24,002 --> 00:12:25,401
I don't know if you're interested,
358
00:12:25,402 --> 00:12:27,003
but I keep track of
all the cakes in the building.
359
00:12:27,004 --> 00:12:29,004
Today's a big one: 19 cakes.
360
00:12:29,005 --> 00:12:31,141
We can hit 'em all,
but we gotta move fast.
361
00:12:32,609 --> 00:12:33,609
You guys hungry?
362
00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:36,946
[ROUSING ROCK MUSIC]
363
00:12:36,947 --> 00:12:39,715
First, we'll hit
Ron's 53rd birthday, floor 67.
364
00:12:39,716 --> 00:12:41,184
Congrats! Come on in.
365
00:12:41,185 --> 00:12:43,954
This is Jake and Matt.
We're here for some cake.
366
00:12:43,955 --> 00:12:45,555
Mmm!
367
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,425
Then Tina's baby shower.
368
00:12:48,426 --> 00:12:50,459
So who's the father?
Do you know who the father is?
369
00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,195
Then Bill Peterson's successful
370
00:12:52,196 --> 00:12:54,497
gastric bypass surgery, floor 11.
371
00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:56,166
I love your hair. You look fantastic.
372
00:12:56,167 --> 00:12:59,169
[ROUSING ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
373
00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:00,738
? ?
374
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,137
Oh, my God, this is the best
thing I've ever tasted.
375
00:13:02,138 --> 00:13:04,074
Just a few more parties,
then we have to fire him.
376
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,975
? ?
377
00:13:05,976 --> 00:13:07,776
Colin, Michael, Jessica, Erin.
378
00:13:07,777 --> 00:13:09,244
Jessica, Erin, Colleen...
379
00:13:09,245 --> 00:13:11,281
You're not Colleen, obviously.
You're a man.
380
00:13:11,282 --> 00:13:14,150
? ?
381
00:13:14,151 --> 00:13:15,853
[LAUGHTER]
382
00:13:15,854 --> 00:13:16,854
[SMOOCHES]
383
00:13:16,855 --> 00:13:19,021
Happy [Bleep] birthday!
384
00:13:19,022 --> 00:13:20,523
- Whoo!
- Richard's great.
385
00:13:20,524 --> 00:13:22,725
This company would be better
if more people were like him.
386
00:13:22,726 --> 00:13:24,294
He's just filling his void with sugar.
387
00:13:24,295 --> 00:13:25,697
He clearly has an eating disorder.
388
00:13:25,698 --> 00:13:27,230
Let's do shots.
389
00:13:27,231 --> 00:13:32,701
? ?
390
00:13:32,702 --> 00:13:35,338
[ALL GROANING]
391
00:13:35,339 --> 00:13:37,741
[BOTH CHANTING "RICHARD!"]
392
00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:40,743
[ROUSING ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
393
00:13:40,744 --> 00:13:41,744
I love you, Richard.
394
00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:42,746
I love this guy.
395
00:13:42,747 --> 00:13:44,448
[LAUGHS ECSTATICALLY]
396
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,116
I know we work for a big corporation,
397
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,351
but it's not that bad.
398
00:13:47,352 --> 00:13:48,618
The people here are great.
399
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:49,786
Feels like a family.
400
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,720
- And we got health benefits.
- Yeah.
401
00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:53,556
Wait, you get health benefits?
402
00:13:53,557 --> 00:13:55,291
So where are we going next?
403
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:56,792
Next we're gonna go to the bathroom,
404
00:13:56,793 --> 00:13:57,960
because I have to throw up.
405
00:13:57,961 --> 00:13:59,095
[ROCK MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]
406
00:13:59,096 --> 00:14:00,030
[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]
407
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:04,068
God, I feel like garbage.
408
00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:06,103
I can't party the way I used to.
409
00:14:06,104 --> 00:14:07,970
Matt. Jake.
410
00:14:07,971 --> 00:14:10,473
The fact that you're sitting
around covered in cake frosting
411
00:14:10,474 --> 00:14:11,941
means you must have found the person
412
00:14:11,942 --> 00:14:13,810
responsible for that tweet
and fired them.
413
00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:15,277
So, who was it?
414
00:14:15,348 --> 00:14:17,851
Well, uh, we have some great news.
415
00:14:17,879 --> 00:14:19,680
We found the guy
responsible for the tweet,
416
00:14:19,681 --> 00:14:21,080
and he's a great guy.
417
00:14:21,081 --> 00:14:22,415
We totally lectured him about
418
00:14:22,416 --> 00:14:23,917
how it's bad that he did that,
419
00:14:23,918 --> 00:14:26,019
so now he knows not to do it again.
420
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:29,223
And anyway, we like him a lot,
and we think he's a total pro.
421
00:14:29,224 --> 00:14:31,191
Phew! Let me tell you something.
422
00:14:31,192 --> 00:14:32,758
Best thing about cake,
423
00:14:32,759 --> 00:14:34,860
it tastes just as good coming back up.
424
00:14:34,861 --> 00:14:37,931
Oh, I should tweet that.
425
00:14:37,932 --> 00:14:39,599
Oh! Hi, I'm Richard.
426
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,267
Hey, Richard. We're executives.
427
00:14:41,268 --> 00:14:42,936
Wow. More executives.
428
00:14:42,937 --> 00:14:43,970
This is cool.
429
00:14:43,971 --> 00:14:45,272
Yes, it is cool.
430
00:14:45,273 --> 00:14:48,242
Question: did you write that
blown away tweet?
431
00:14:48,243 --> 00:14:49,776
Yeah. That was me.
432
00:14:49,777 --> 00:14:50,978
- Whoops.
- Okay, great.
433
00:14:50,979 --> 00:14:51,978
You're fired.
434
00:14:51,979 --> 00:14:53,979
Please report to HR immediately.
435
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:54,980
What?
436
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,649
And you two, question.
437
00:14:56,650 --> 00:14:58,618
How could you do this to us?
438
00:14:58,619 --> 00:15:00,720
We used you as our tools,
439
00:15:00,721 --> 00:15:02,388
and this is how you repay us?
440
00:15:02,389 --> 00:15:03,723
We'll deal with you later.
441
00:15:03,724 --> 00:15:05,026
But in the meantime,
442
00:15:05,027 --> 00:15:07,127
I suggest you start
working on your r�sum�s.
443
00:15:09,297 --> 00:15:10,831
This is company property.
444
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:14,066
Well, that's it. We're dead.
445
00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:15,101
So, wait.
446
00:15:15,102 --> 00:15:16,537
You guys knew I was getting fired,
447
00:15:16,538 --> 00:15:17,903
and you used me to get cake?
448
00:15:17,904 --> 00:15:19,572
No, Richard, it's not like that.
449
00:15:19,573 --> 00:15:21,574
If it were up to us,
you'd get to keep your job.
450
00:15:21,575 --> 00:15:23,176
Yeah, but it's not up to you.
451
00:15:23,177 --> 00:15:24,676
You guys are just tools.
452
00:15:24,677 --> 00:15:26,180
Exactly. We're tools.
453
00:15:26,181 --> 00:15:27,983
So [Bleep] you.
454
00:15:29,749 --> 00:15:31,984
[Bleep] all of you!
455
00:15:31,985 --> 00:15:35,120
You're all just corporate drones!
456
00:15:35,121 --> 00:15:37,257
[Bleep] Hampton DeVille!
457
00:15:37,258 --> 00:15:39,792
[Bleep] the Internet!
458
00:15:39,793 --> 00:15:41,863
And [Bleep] birthdays!
459
00:15:44,597 --> 00:15:45,633
[Bleep] your meeting!
460
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:49,036
[Bleep] you, Angela!
461
00:15:53,207 --> 00:15:54,941
Do you think Richard's okay?
462
00:15:54,942 --> 00:15:58,311
How can you think about other
people at a time like this?
463
00:15:58,312 --> 00:16:01,315
[SORROWFUL OPERA MUSIC]
464
00:16:01,316 --> 00:16:06,051
? ?
465
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,219
[SIGHS]
466
00:16:07,220 --> 00:16:08,821
Maybe getting fired is a good thing.
467
00:16:08,822 --> 00:16:10,056
I could finally pursue my dream
468
00:16:10,057 --> 00:16:11,990
of starting my own craft brewery.
469
00:16:11,991 --> 00:16:13,527
Or just go to law school.
470
00:16:13,528 --> 00:16:14,896
Applying to law school in your late 20s
471
00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:16,397
is a major sign of depression.
472
00:16:16,398 --> 00:16:18,532
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
473
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:21,734
Working here was my plan B,
and now I'm getting fired,
474
00:16:21,735 --> 00:16:24,137
so I guess it's time for plan C.
475
00:16:24,138 --> 00:16:25,537
Suicide?
476
00:16:25,538 --> 00:16:26,907
Yes. You already knew.
477
00:16:26,908 --> 00:16:28,074
That's why we're friends.
478
00:16:28,075 --> 00:16:30,243
Hey, guys, did you fire Richard?
479
00:16:30,244 --> 00:16:32,013
'Cause he never showed up to HR.
480
00:16:34,081 --> 00:16:35,482
There is an Internet campaign
481
00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:37,417
to boycott all Hampton DeVille products
482
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:39,753
unless you apologize for the tweet.
483
00:16:39,754 --> 00:16:41,187
Will you apologize?
484
00:16:41,188 --> 00:16:44,257
Look, I refuse to negotiate
with the Internet.
485
00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:46,926
That tweet was the act
of one rogue employee.
486
00:16:46,927 --> 00:16:48,928
And I would like to state for the record
487
00:16:48,929 --> 00:16:52,131
that I love hurricane victims,
488
00:16:52,132 --> 00:16:53,733
and anyone who knows me can verify...
489
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:55,936
Excuse me, Christian, I'm
gonna have to interrupt you.
490
00:16:55,937 --> 00:16:57,603
We're getting a breaking tweet.
491
00:16:57,604 --> 00:16:59,705
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]
492
00:16:59,706 --> 00:17:01,375
A new tweet has been issued
from Hampton DeVille...
493
00:17:01,376 --> 00:17:03,109
Ugh, Richard's not here.
494
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:04,743
"My name is Richard.
495
00:17:04,744 --> 00:17:07,380
"I wrote the blown away tweet,
got fired,
496
00:17:07,381 --> 00:17:09,715
"and now I'm going to kill myself
497
00:17:09,716 --> 00:17:12,218
by being blown away off of a building."
498
00:17:12,219 --> 00:17:13,919
Oh, my God,
Richard's gonna kill himself.
499
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,554
He stole my idea.
500
00:17:15,555 --> 00:17:16,889
Jake, we have to help him.
501
00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:17,992
Ugh. Fine.
502
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,994
Richard, question.
503
00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:23,730
Why are you doing this?
504
00:17:23,731 --> 00:17:26,499
Because I don't have any friends!
505
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:29,671
So I go to birthday parties of
people I don't even know
506
00:17:29,672 --> 00:17:31,870
and binge eat to try to fill
507
00:17:31,871 --> 00:17:35,809
the bottomless void
of loneliness inside me.
508
00:17:35,810 --> 00:17:36,911
- [FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
- Okay!
509
00:17:36,912 --> 00:17:37,911
Great.
510
00:17:37,912 --> 00:17:39,646
Thanks.
511
00:17:39,647 --> 00:17:41,180
Thanks for agreeing to help us, Baron.
512
00:17:41,181 --> 00:17:42,648
I'm not doing this for you, assholes.
513
00:17:42,649 --> 00:17:43,917
I'm doing this for Richard,
514
00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:45,084
because he gives me cake.
515
00:17:45,085 --> 00:17:46,552
So really I'm doing it for me.
516
00:17:46,553 --> 00:17:47,753
So here's what I think you should tweet.
517
00:17:47,754 --> 00:17:49,289
Stop.
518
00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:51,425
You wouldn't tell Shakespeare
how to write a sonnet,
519
00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:53,926
and you don't tell a social media guru
520
00:17:53,927 --> 00:17:55,928
how to get a hashtag trending, okay?
521
00:17:55,929 --> 00:17:57,532
So step back.
522
00:17:59,265 --> 00:18:02,269
[STIRRING OPERA MUSIC]
523
00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:09,210
? ?
524
00:18:15,349 --> 00:18:18,251
[IN SLO-MO] It's beautiful.
525
00:18:18,252 --> 00:18:21,254
[TRIUMPHANT OPERA MUSIC]
526
00:18:21,255 --> 00:18:28,196
? ?
527
00:18:30,398 --> 00:18:32,000
It's in the Internet's hands now.
528
00:18:34,334 --> 00:18:36,503
Richard, I know
where you're coming from.
529
00:18:36,504 --> 00:18:38,672
I was wait-listed at Yale.
530
00:18:38,673 --> 00:18:40,006
But then I got in.
531
00:18:40,007 --> 00:18:41,773
We have a plan. Let us talk to Richard.
532
00:18:41,774 --> 00:18:44,511
Give us a chance to prove
that we can be your tools.
533
00:18:44,512 --> 00:18:46,113
That's actually a really good idea.
534
00:18:46,114 --> 00:18:48,283
When he jumps,
we'll just pin the blame on you.
535
00:18:50,184 --> 00:18:52,417
- [FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
- Richard, don't do this.
536
00:18:52,418 --> 00:18:54,754
Yeah, Richard, don't jump or whatever.
537
00:18:54,755 --> 00:18:56,188
Just stay back!
538
00:18:56,189 --> 00:18:57,690
I'm gonna kill myself.
539
00:18:57,691 --> 00:18:59,859
Richard, we all want to kill ourselves.
540
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:00,926
But you can't.
541
00:19:00,927 --> 00:19:02,795
Because the Internet cares about you.
542
00:19:02,796 --> 00:19:04,930
The top trending hashtag
on twitter right now
543
00:19:04,931 --> 00:19:06,698
is "Save Richard."
544
00:19:06,699 --> 00:19:09,535
Really?
545
00:19:09,536 --> 00:19:11,236
It's actually second under hashtag
546
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,304
"You know you're single when."
547
00:19:12,305 --> 00:19:13,340
- Shut up.
- [FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
548
00:19:13,341 --> 00:19:14,942
Richard, all across the world,
549
00:19:14,943 --> 00:19:17,643
millions of faceless, nameless strangers
550
00:19:17,644 --> 00:19:20,315
who will forget about you
tomorrow want you to live.
551
00:19:20,316 --> 00:19:22,080
They care about you, Richard.
552
00:19:22,081 --> 00:19:24,716
Also we brought cake.
553
00:19:24,717 --> 00:19:26,019
What kind of cake?
554
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:28,087
Richard, shut up and come down!
555
00:19:28,088 --> 00:19:29,888
Okay!
556
00:19:29,889 --> 00:19:31,190
I'm coming down!
557
00:19:31,191 --> 00:19:32,326
Holy shit.
558
00:19:32,327 --> 00:19:33,661
Someone finally listened to me.
559
00:19:35,463 --> 00:19:36,797
And then I personally stepped in
560
00:19:36,798 --> 00:19:39,331
and saved one of our most
valued employees, Richard,
561
00:19:39,332 --> 00:19:42,167
who I'm happy to welcome back
to the Hampton DeVille family.
562
00:19:42,168 --> 00:19:44,838
And as a gesture of sympathy
for the victims
563
00:19:44,839 --> 00:19:47,674
of Hurricane Letisha,
who we love dearly,
564
00:19:47,675 --> 00:19:50,009
we will be offering 10% off the Obelisk
565
00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:51,677
to anyone who can prove
566
00:19:51,678 --> 00:19:53,847
their home was destroyed
in the hurricane.
567
00:19:53,848 --> 00:19:55,615
Good news.
568
00:19:55,616 --> 00:19:57,518
We just got word that this controversy
569
00:19:57,519 --> 00:19:59,118
increased brand awareness
570
00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:01,686
and boosted sales of the Obelisk by 4%.
571
00:20:01,687 --> 00:20:03,224
Great job, you two.
572
00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:07,726
Well, Matt, you did it.
You saved Richard.
573
00:20:07,727 --> 00:20:08,927
I didn't save him.
574
00:20:08,928 --> 00:20:10,297
All I did was tell Baron to do it.
575
00:20:10,298 --> 00:20:12,967
Matt, telling Baron to do it
was doing it.
576
00:20:12,968 --> 00:20:14,801
Oh, my God.
577
00:20:14,802 --> 00:20:17,036
You're right.
578
00:20:17,037 --> 00:20:18,538
We saved Richard.
579
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:23,477
Wait about a week for this to blow over
580
00:20:23,478 --> 00:20:25,044
and fire Richard again.
581
00:20:25,045 --> 00:20:27,380
I don't want that cake feaster
working here.
582
00:20:27,381 --> 00:20:31,251
[EERIE OMINOUS MUSIC SWELLS]
583
00:20:32,485 --> 00:20:33,486
[SIGHS]
584
00:20:33,487 --> 00:20:35,187
I'm sorry.
585
00:20:35,188 --> 00:20:37,823
It's my fault we broke up, not yours.
586
00:20:37,824 --> 00:20:39,326
You're a great guy.
587
00:20:39,327 --> 00:20:41,327
Everyone likes you.
588
00:20:41,328 --> 00:20:43,663
I made a mistake by leaving you.
589
00:20:43,664 --> 00:20:48,201
[CHORUS OF MOANING AND WHIPS CRACKING]
590
00:20:48,202 --> 00:20:49,836
- I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
591
00:20:49,837 --> 00:20:50,837
Oh, I'm sorry.
592
00:20:50,838 --> 00:20:52,003
[ROCK MUSIC]
593
00:20:52,004 --> 00:20:53,339
[BOTH SIP]
594
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:57,176
[CHORUS OF WOMEN SAYING "I'M SORRY"]
595
00:20:57,177 --> 00:20:59,613
[ROCK MUSIC]
596
00:20:59,944 --> 00:21:02,233
Can you give us a sense of
what the people
597
00:21:02,258 --> 00:21:04,514
in the path of the hurricane
are feeling right now?
598
00:21:04,584 --> 00:21:07,920
Karen, it is absolute mayhem down here.
599
00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:11,090
Everyone is really upset about
Hampton DeVille's tweet.
600
00:21:11,091 --> 00:21:12,926
It's all anyone can talk about.
601
00:21:12,927 --> 00:21:14,861
[LOUD CRASHING]
602
00:21:14,911 --> 00:21:19,461
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