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1
00:00:01,357 --> 00:00:04,927
Tonight, in honor of the 100th
episode of American Dad,
2
00:00:04,994 --> 00:00:07,463
tragedy will strikeLangley Falls with death...
3
00:00:07,530 --> 00:00:08,730
(thunder crashing)
4
00:00:08,798 --> 00:00:10,799
100 times.
5
00:00:10,867 --> 00:00:12,734
That's right,100 of the characters
6
00:00:12,802 --> 00:00:14,903
you've come to knowand love will die.
7
00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:18,307
(evil laughter)
8
00:00:18,374 --> 00:00:22,344
(coughs)
9
00:00:22,412 --> 00:00:24,546
For Pete sakes, these things
are going to kill me.
10
00:00:24,614 --> 00:00:25,881
(sinister organ plays,
then stops)
11
00:00:25,949 --> 00:00:27,950
But not tonight!
12
00:00:28,017 --> 00:00:32,054
No, tonight we're going to find
out who shot Mr. Burns.
13
00:00:32,122 --> 00:00:34,556
What? 15 years ago?
14
00:00:34,624 --> 00:00:35,891
Who was it?
15
00:00:35,959 --> 00:00:37,826
Really? The baby?
16
00:00:37,894 --> 00:00:39,362
(sighs)
I want a baby.
17
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:42,366
American Dad 6x01
100 A.D. Original Air Date on October 3, 2010
18
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,076
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
19
00:00:44,134 --> 00:00:48,036
JEFF:
♪ Oh, babe, it's true... ♪
20
00:00:48,104 --> 00:00:51,473
Oh, Jeff's serenading
Hayley again.
21
00:00:51,541 --> 00:00:55,844
♪ I want to touch butts
with you... ♪
22
00:00:55,912 --> 00:00:58,380
I'm gonna shoot him
in the throat.
23
00:00:58,448 --> 00:01:00,015
Stan, wait!
24
00:01:00,083 --> 00:01:01,316
I want to watch.
25
00:01:01,384 --> 00:01:03,185
(macabre organ music playing)
26
00:01:03,253 --> 00:01:05,154
Stop it,
you guys.
27
00:01:05,221 --> 00:01:07,623
Look, I told Jeff
I'm not ready to date anyone right now.
28
00:01:07,690 --> 00:01:09,324
So you don't have
to worry about him.
29
00:01:09,392 --> 00:01:10,425
Good.
30
00:01:10,493 --> 00:01:12,561
Look at him-- he still
rocks a goatee.
31
00:01:12,629 --> 00:01:13,795
Poser-ass bitch.
32
00:01:13,863 --> 00:01:15,697
Look, he's a sweet guy.
33
00:01:15,765 --> 00:01:17,566
He's just a little lost
right now.
34
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,101
Hayley, you don't know
what you're talking about.
35
00:01:19,169 --> 00:01:21,069
You have terrible judgment.
36
00:01:21,137 --> 00:01:23,939
The one time we let you
order pizza, you ordered no sauce, extra olives.
37
00:01:24,007 --> 00:01:26,008
I was so astounded
I took a picture of it.
38
00:01:26,075 --> 00:01:27,676
No, that's not it--
that's a picture
39
00:01:27,744 --> 00:01:29,845
of when I met Loni
Anderson at the airport.
40
00:01:34,384 --> 00:01:36,051
ANNOUNCER:
Next on HBO:
41
00:01:36,119 --> 00:01:38,487
Tracy Ullman performs
her ethnic favorites.
42
00:01:38,555 --> 00:01:39,955
(both groaning)
43
00:01:40,023 --> 00:01:41,223
Change the channel. Hurry!
44
00:01:41,291 --> 00:01:42,791
Where's the remote?
45
00:01:42,859 --> 00:01:44,793
ULLMAN (Latin American accent):
15 doughnuts, por favor.
46
00:01:44,861 --> 00:01:46,428
Change it!
47
00:01:46,496 --> 00:01:48,096
I can't find it!
48
00:01:48,164 --> 00:01:50,632
I'm so sleepy.
49
00:01:52,869 --> 00:01:54,303
It's okay.
50
00:01:54,370 --> 00:01:55,704
It can't hurt us now.
51
00:01:55,772 --> 00:01:57,940
Hey, Roger, a missing remote.
52
00:01:58,007 --> 00:01:59,775
Sounds like another
case for...
53
00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:01,777
Wheels and The Leg Man.
Wheels and The Leg Man.
54
00:02:01,844 --> 00:02:04,413
(Roger and Steve humming
'70s-style cop theme song)
55
00:02:08,685 --> 00:02:09,785
KLAUS:
Enough!
56
00:02:09,852 --> 00:02:11,320
What the hell's
your problem?
57
00:02:11,387 --> 00:02:14,122
Every Wheels and The Legman
is the same.
58
00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:16,291
You pick some boring case,
you bicker,
59
00:02:16,359 --> 00:02:17,759
then you solve it.
60
00:02:17,827 --> 00:02:19,761
The solution usually being
that Roger is the culprit.
61
00:02:19,829 --> 00:02:22,030
It's true. I've got
the remote right here.
62
00:02:24,634 --> 00:02:29,471
♪ Cheek to cheek,
and hole to hole... ♪
63
00:02:29,539 --> 00:02:32,307
♪ To hole ♪
64
00:02:32,375 --> 00:02:34,476
♪ There's a third hole... ♪
65
00:02:34,544 --> 00:02:35,677
(screaming)
66
00:02:37,714 --> 00:02:40,649
Go on, Jeff, shoo, shoo, scat.
67
00:02:40,717 --> 00:02:42,551
Jeff, you're not
good enough for our daughter.
68
00:02:42,619 --> 00:02:44,853
You have no job,
no home and no future.
69
00:02:44,921 --> 00:02:46,455
Plus, you're always
wiping your face.
70
00:02:46,522 --> 00:02:47,789
No, I'm not.
71
00:02:47,857 --> 00:02:49,625
(sputtering)
(both laughing)
72
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,396
(sobbing)
73
00:02:54,464 --> 00:02:56,331
Helado?
74
00:02:56,399 --> 00:02:59,868
Why nobody buy my helado?
75
00:02:59,936 --> 00:03:02,938
(both sobbing)
76
00:03:05,608 --> 00:03:08,710
So guess who got put on
chauffeur duty again?
77
00:03:08,778 --> 00:03:11,513
I did not join the CIA
for this.
78
00:03:11,581 --> 00:03:14,549
Anyway, Mama, I'm not gonna
make home for Randy's birthday.
79
00:03:14,617 --> 00:03:16,985
Just kick him in his fat ass
for me 29 times.
80
00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:18,620
(incessant buzzing)
81
00:03:18,688 --> 00:03:20,022
Yes, sir?
82
00:03:20,089 --> 00:03:22,491
Reginald, this isn't the way
I usually drive to work.
83
00:03:22,558 --> 00:03:24,059
Look, you may got
me driving you,
84
00:03:24,127 --> 00:03:25,460
but I'm gonna
take my route.
85
00:03:25,528 --> 00:03:28,397
Does your route include
the attitude store
86
00:03:28,464 --> 00:03:31,366
where we could stop and
get you a new attitude?
87
00:03:34,537 --> 00:03:36,438
(Jeff sobbing)
88
00:03:36,506 --> 00:03:38,373
Now what is this mess?
89
00:03:38,441 --> 00:03:40,676
(sobbing)
90
00:03:42,578 --> 00:03:45,280
Whoa, you got a limo.
91
00:03:45,348 --> 00:03:46,815
Are you rich?
92
00:03:46,883 --> 00:03:48,216
Yeah, Jeff, I'm rich.
93
00:03:48,284 --> 00:03:49,885
I'm a millionaire.
94
00:03:49,952 --> 00:03:52,120
So I wear this stupid hat
and drive this long bitch.
95
00:03:52,188 --> 00:03:53,522
Hayley won't talk to me.
96
00:03:53,589 --> 00:03:55,190
I've tried everything.
97
00:03:55,258 --> 00:03:57,092
Look, man, Hayley
broke my heart too,
98
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,328
but the girl told us both
she needs some space.
99
00:03:59,395 --> 00:04:00,862
You should do what I'm doing--
100
00:04:00,930 --> 00:04:02,331
start casually dating
other women.
101
00:04:02,398 --> 00:04:04,066
I'm seeing a fine bitch
right now--
102
00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:05,934
works at Chik-fil-A
down by the airport.
103
00:04:06,002 --> 00:04:07,736
Got grease burns
all over her arms.
104
00:04:07,804 --> 00:04:09,471
Am I gonna marry her?
Hell, no!
105
00:04:09,539 --> 00:04:11,206
But she don't need to know that.
106
00:04:11,274 --> 00:04:15,277
Um, all right, I guess
I could give Hayley her space.
107
00:04:15,345 --> 00:04:16,578
My man.
108
00:04:16,646 --> 00:04:17,879
Now go take a shower.
109
00:04:17,947 --> 00:04:19,748
You smell like cheap weed
and apple sauce.
110
00:04:19,816 --> 00:04:22,384
(imitating Peter Brady):
Cheap weed and apple sauce.
111
00:04:22,452 --> 00:04:24,252
Okay, how about
this for a case?
112
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,088
Wheel's ex comes to town
113
00:04:26,155 --> 00:04:28,223
looking for whoever
poisoned her race horse.
114
00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:30,292
Uh, yeah...
115
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,895
Hey, what if I'm visited
by the ghost of my dead father
116
00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,964
who also used to be a detective?
117
00:04:36,032 --> 00:04:38,800
So we're just saying the first
thing that comes into our minds?
118
00:04:38,868 --> 00:04:40,168
Okay, tickle monster.
119
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:42,871
I know, Dad-- I have
to deal with this
120
00:04:42,939 --> 00:04:44,439
every day at the agency.
121
00:04:44,507 --> 00:04:45,874
Your ghost father
is not here!
122
00:04:45,942 --> 00:04:47,943
Oh, no? Then who's...
123
00:04:48,010 --> 00:04:50,245
(eerie voice):
possessing me?
124
00:04:52,181 --> 00:04:53,515
Stop it. Stop it, Wheels.
125
00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:54,850
Stop it... Wheels...
126
00:04:54,917 --> 00:04:56,618
Stop it, Wheel's father!
127
00:04:56,686 --> 00:04:58,086
(gasps)
128
00:05:02,525 --> 00:05:03,625
Hayley.
129
00:05:03,693 --> 00:05:04,926
Jeff, what are
you doing here?
130
00:05:04,994 --> 00:05:06,094
Look...
131
00:05:06,162 --> 00:05:08,497
Hey, who solved
my theorem?!
132
00:05:08,564 --> 00:05:10,098
Which one of you
is the genius?
133
00:05:10,166 --> 00:05:11,166
You there.
134
00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:16,004
Jeff, I thought
I told you...
135
00:05:16,072 --> 00:05:17,906
I know you don't
want to see me,
136
00:05:17,974 --> 00:05:19,541
but I need to tell
you something.
137
00:05:19,609 --> 00:05:23,578
And then, if you want,
I'll leave you alone forever.
138
00:05:26,582 --> 00:05:29,718
Thank God we got rid of Jeff
and that old hippie.
139
00:05:29,786 --> 00:05:32,521
The stench of pot and body odor
was beginning to reach
140
00:05:32,588 --> 00:05:34,089
h McConnaughey-vian proportions.
141
00:05:34,157 --> 00:05:35,390
What's this note
from Hayley?
142
00:05:35,458 --> 00:05:37,192
HAYLEY:
Dear, Mom and Dad,
143
00:05:37,260 --> 00:05:39,795
I realized I'm still in lovewith Jeff Fisher.
144
00:05:39,862 --> 00:05:41,763
I know you hate his guts,
145
00:05:41,831 --> 00:05:43,331
which is why we've decidedto elope.
146
00:05:43,399 --> 00:05:45,500
(growling)
147
00:05:45,568 --> 00:05:47,335
(yelling)
148
00:05:56,245 --> 00:05:59,981
(whooshing)
149
00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:02,017
(audio rewinding rapidly)
150
00:06:12,228 --> 00:06:13,462
Stan?
151
00:06:13,529 --> 00:06:15,630
(groans)
152
00:06:15,698 --> 00:06:17,666
Did I... Did I turn back time?
153
00:06:17,733 --> 00:06:20,769
No. You fainted and bashed
your head on the counter.
154
00:06:20,837 --> 00:06:23,405
I'm-I'm pretty sure
I turned back time.
155
00:06:23,473 --> 00:06:26,641
You must be Francine's
grandmother.
156
00:06:26,709 --> 00:06:29,010
One day, your granddaughter
157
00:06:29,078 --> 00:06:32,481
will make me a
moderately happy man.
158
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,681
I I can't believe Haley
ran off with that idiot.
159
00:06:39,749 --> 00:06:41,750
The kids are going
to be half loser.
160
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:42,985
I'll hate my grandchildren.
161
00:06:43,052 --> 00:06:44,386
And I'm gonna tell 'em.
162
00:06:44,454 --> 00:06:45,821
I'm going to look them
163
00:06:45,888 --> 00:06:47,489
straight in the eye and say,
"Pop-Pop hates you."
164
00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:50,926
Says here they're getting
married tonight at sunset.
165
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:52,761
We'll never be able
to stop them.
166
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,363
We have no idea
where they went.
167
00:06:54,430 --> 00:06:56,098
Oh, we have no idea?
168
00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:58,467
Just like we want to have
a weekend in Santa Fe?
169
00:06:58,534 --> 00:07:01,903
You. You have no idea.
170
00:07:01,971 --> 00:07:05,140
You want to go
to Santa Fe.
171
00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:08,910
I had tracking chips implanted
in the base of the kids' skulls
172
00:07:08,978 --> 00:07:10,312
when they were born.
173
00:07:10,380 --> 00:07:12,447
Hayley's heading north.
174
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,116
She's only 40 minutes away.
175
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:15,517
Let's go.
Which way is north?
176
00:07:15,585 --> 00:07:17,185
That way.
177
00:07:17,253 --> 00:07:19,154
It's a dead end.
178
00:07:19,222 --> 00:07:21,623
HAYLEY:
Whoo! We're getting married!
179
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,859
I'm so glad you said yes.
180
00:07:23,926 --> 00:07:26,928
When you proposed, it's like
my heart started up again.
181
00:07:26,996 --> 00:07:29,131
I feel so close
to you, you know.
182
00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:30,932
Like we're brother
and sister.
183
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,201
Like you're my mom,
but with benefits.
184
00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:34,936
This is so exciting.
185
00:07:35,004 --> 00:07:36,905
We're starting
our lives together.
186
00:07:36,973 --> 00:07:38,140
So what's our plan?
187
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,142
Oh, I got it all figured out.
188
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,078
As soon as we're married, we're
gonna move to rural Mexico
189
00:07:43,146 --> 00:07:44,880
and produce a cartoon
about crickets
190
00:07:44,947 --> 00:07:46,581
that don't like to eat
their vegetables.
191
00:07:46,649 --> 00:07:49,051
Really? That's your plan?
192
00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:51,320
Yeah. I already wrote
the pilot script.
193
00:07:53,122 --> 00:07:55,324
Will you read it
and give me notes?
194
00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:59,795
I'm especially interested
in any areas that come off too pornographic.
195
00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:06,401
Stan, Hayley's dot hasn't
moved in the last 20 minutes.
196
00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:08,270
What could she be doing?
197
00:08:08,338 --> 00:08:10,772
Oh, God! You don't
think she's having sex?
198
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,475
No, if her body temperature
rises, the dot turns purple.
199
00:08:13,543 --> 00:08:15,177
I paid extra
for that option.
200
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,546
I can also explode
her breasts at any time.
201
00:08:17,613 --> 00:08:19,181
(relieved sigh)
Good.
202
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:21,116
She should be
up here to the right.
203
00:08:24,354 --> 00:08:25,921
They must be
in the bathroom.
204
00:08:25,988 --> 00:08:27,656
(beeping)
205
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,291
It turned purple!
What?!
206
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:33,729
I don't get it.
207
00:08:33,796 --> 00:08:34,930
Where's Hayley?
208
00:08:34,997 --> 00:08:36,698
She must have ripped out
her tracking device
209
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,300
and fed it to one
of these dogs.
210
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:39,534
Which one?
211
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,569
(dog whimpers)
212
00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:42,137
That one.
213
00:08:42,205 --> 00:08:44,873
Well, I was able
to reattach his legs.
214
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,174
I think he's gonna make it.
215
00:08:46,242 --> 00:08:47,676
Oh, thank God.
216
00:08:51,214 --> 00:08:54,116
Stan, my credit card
is missing.
217
00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:55,117
(gasps)
218
00:08:55,184 --> 00:08:56,785
Hayley must have taken it.
219
00:08:56,853 --> 00:08:59,020
Where's this scarf come from?
220
00:09:00,156 --> 00:09:03,425
Oh, that was the liner
of my purse.
221
00:09:06,028 --> 00:09:07,396
Okay, thanks.
222
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:09,664
The last charge
was ten minutes ago
223
00:09:09,732 --> 00:09:11,266
at the Nut and Jerky House
224
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,135
at the base of the
Chimdale Mountains.
225
00:09:13,202 --> 00:09:14,569
That mountain range
is enormous.
226
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,838
We'll never find them in
time to stop the wedding.
227
00:09:16,906 --> 00:09:20,909
We scrimped and sacrificed
to save $50,000
228
00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,911
to give that girl
a beautiful wedding.
229
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,147
And now that
money's just gone.
230
00:09:25,214 --> 00:09:27,115
No, Francine, we
still have the money.
231
00:09:27,183 --> 00:09:28,583
We didn't have the wedding.
232
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:30,685
No, but, Stan, she...
233
00:09:30,753 --> 00:09:32,220
Oh.
234
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:35,657
We good, champ?
We work that out?
235
00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:38,026
'Cause I have an idea
how we can use that money.
236
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:43,365
We have breaking
news to report.
237
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:46,501
We go now to local
man Stan Smith, live via satellite phone.
238
00:09:46,569 --> 00:09:47,502
STAN:
Hello?
239
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:48,904
Yes, Stan, go ahead.
240
00:09:48,971 --> 00:09:51,706
Four hours ago, my daughter,
Hayley Smith eloped
241
00:09:51,774 --> 00:09:53,942
with the notorious slacker
Jeff Fisher.
242
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:57,012
I'm offering
$50,000 to anyone
243
00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,180
who can stop
the wedding.
244
00:09:58,247 --> 00:09:59,614
They're getting married
245
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,016
somewhere in
the Chimdale Mountains.
246
00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:03,685
Again, that reward
is 50 grand,
247
00:10:03,753 --> 00:10:06,254
to anyone who can
stop the wedding
248
00:10:06,322 --> 00:10:08,256
of Hayley Smith
and Jeff Fisher.
249
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:10,192
Oh, hell no.
250
00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:11,993
That slippery-ass hippie.
251
00:10:12,061 --> 00:10:13,462
I gotta stop this.
252
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:15,831
I gotta show Hayley
I'm still in the game.
253
00:10:15,898 --> 00:10:18,400
I'm going to call my man
at Jewelry Galleria.
254
00:10:18,468 --> 00:10:20,435
Yo, Doug, I need a diamond.
255
00:10:20,503 --> 00:10:22,938
Doesn't have to be big,
but make it flawless.
256
00:10:23,005 --> 00:10:24,473
That's friend price?
257
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,241
You let me down, Doug.
258
00:10:26,309 --> 00:10:27,742
I'm gonna call NYC.
259
00:10:27,810 --> 00:10:29,211
I'm gonna get
my Hebrews on this.
260
00:10:33,149 --> 00:10:35,217
Let's go get that
money, people.
261
00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,118
(cheering)
262
00:10:37,186 --> 00:10:39,354
Yeah!
263
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:43,158
(screaming)
264
00:10:47,029 --> 00:10:49,898
(screaming)
265
00:10:52,201 --> 00:10:55,303
Here we are,
the honeymoon suite.
266
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:56,304
(bed springs creaking)
267
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,242
Oh, fancy.
268
00:11:00,309 --> 00:11:01,543
Chocolate on the pillow.
269
00:11:01,611 --> 00:11:04,613
Hey, come back, chocolate.
270
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,349
Look, I'm sorry
about the room, babe.
271
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,918
I just don't have a lot
of scratch right now.
272
00:11:09,986 --> 00:11:11,820
But once we get
to Mexico...
273
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,755
Jeff, I don't want
to go to Mexico, okay?
274
00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:15,223
That's your plan.
275
00:11:15,291 --> 00:11:17,492
We need a plan we can both
be excited about.
276
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,395
A new plan...
277
00:11:20,463 --> 00:11:21,997
New Mexico!
278
00:11:22,064 --> 00:11:24,199
I need
to take a walk.
279
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,436
Knock-knock.
Hotel manager.
280
00:11:28,504 --> 00:11:29,671
Sorry to intrude,
281
00:11:29,739 --> 00:11:31,706
but you got
the only working toilet.
282
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:34,543
You might want to turn
the TV up pretty loud.
283
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,811
I ate an artichoke
today.
284
00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:37,846
(groans loudly)
285
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:39,948
(farting, splashing)
286
00:11:40,016 --> 00:11:41,283
Were you the one
287
00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:43,251
who wanted to schedule
an ATV ride?
288
00:11:43,319 --> 00:11:44,786
(loud fart)
289
00:11:44,854 --> 00:11:48,657
...a $50,000 reward to anyone
who can stop the marriage.
290
00:11:48,724 --> 00:11:50,091
The girl has been described
291
00:11:50,159 --> 00:11:52,060
as a likely
Women's Studies major
292
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,728
and probable roller derby
captain,
293
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,498
while the male is your classic
run-of-the-mill stoner.
294
00:11:56,566 --> 00:11:58,429
Here's an artist rendering
of the couple.
295
00:12:00,098 --> 00:12:01,432
Zoinks!
296
00:12:04,303 --> 00:12:06,203
Only a couple of hours
until sunset.
297
00:12:06,271 --> 00:12:09,173
I pray someone finds them
before it's too late.
298
00:12:09,241 --> 00:12:12,076
Oh, look!
It's Principal Lewis!
299
00:12:13,378 --> 00:12:15,780
Hi, Principal Lewis!
300
00:12:15,847 --> 00:12:17,148
(gasps)
What the hell?!
301
00:12:17,215 --> 00:12:18,716
I'm getting to those kids first!
302
00:12:18,784 --> 00:12:20,017
I need that money!
303
00:12:20,085 --> 00:12:23,120
I'm not going back
to that school! (laughs)
304
00:12:23,188 --> 00:12:24,655
(tires squeal)
305
00:12:24,723 --> 00:12:25,990
(bleep) y'all!
306
00:12:26,058 --> 00:12:27,491
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
307
00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:28,793
People are excited!
308
00:12:30,996 --> 00:12:32,430
(engine revs, tires squeal)
309
00:12:42,874 --> 00:12:44,642
Reginald, are we at
the CIA yet?
310
00:12:44,710 --> 00:12:45,876
Change of plans.
311
00:12:45,944 --> 00:12:47,678
I'm going after
the woman of my dreams:
312
00:12:47,746 --> 00:12:49,046
Hayley Smith.
313
00:12:49,114 --> 00:12:50,748
Hayley Smith?!
314
00:12:50,816 --> 00:12:53,951
Oh, I had a thing
with her one summer.
315
00:12:54,019 --> 00:12:55,720
What? You and Hayley
had a thing?
316
00:12:55,787 --> 00:12:57,655
(laughs)
A thing?
317
00:12:57,723 --> 00:12:59,156
That's a polite way
of saying
318
00:12:59,224 --> 00:13:01,525
I tapped her
like a pony keg.
319
00:13:01,593 --> 00:13:02,960
Banged her around
so much,
320
00:13:03,028 --> 00:13:04,462
I lost my deposit.
321
00:13:04,529 --> 00:13:05,930
Sir, I would
appreciate it
322
00:13:05,997 --> 00:13:06,997
if you could refrain
323
00:13:07,065 --> 00:13:08,599
from any sexual
reminiscing
324
00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:10,701
regarding Hayley
whilst we take our little detour.
325
00:13:10,769 --> 00:13:13,404
Ah, I took a detour
on Hayley.
326
00:13:13,472 --> 00:13:17,108
Got lost in the brush
and went down a dirt road.
327
00:13:17,175 --> 00:13:19,043
(laughs)
328
00:13:19,111 --> 00:13:20,578
What's all this now?
329
00:13:20,645 --> 00:13:21,946
Why are we stopping?
330
00:13:22,013 --> 00:13:24,315
You and I are gonna
fight in a field.
331
00:13:24,383 --> 00:13:26,183
(wind whistling)
332
00:13:27,886 --> 00:13:29,387
♪ Ah-na-na way ♪
333
00:13:29,454 --> 00:13:31,322
♪ Ah-na-na-way,
na-na! ♪
334
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,556
What are you doing?
335
00:13:32,624 --> 00:13:33,791
Capoeira, bitch!
336
00:13:33,859 --> 00:13:35,192
That's Brazilian
dance-fighting.
337
00:13:35,260 --> 00:13:36,327
I'm trained!
338
00:13:36,395 --> 00:13:38,696
(grunts)
339
00:13:38,764 --> 00:13:41,165
Oh, I guess we started.
340
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:43,534
(grunts)
341
00:13:43,602 --> 00:13:45,770
(gasps)
My gentleman's blouse!
342
00:13:45,837 --> 00:13:46,871
(screams)
343
00:13:50,675 --> 00:13:52,777
Finding Hayley
for the reward money.
344
00:13:52,844 --> 00:13:54,245
Now that's a real case.
345
00:13:54,312 --> 00:13:56,046
All right, I got
everything we need:
346
00:13:56,114 --> 00:13:57,314
chocolate milk,
cheese puffs
347
00:13:57,382 --> 00:13:58,649
and some Turkish
amphetamines
348
00:13:58,717 --> 00:13:59,984
I scored in
the bathroom.
349
00:14:00,051 --> 00:14:01,318
Whoa, whoa, Legs!
350
00:14:01,386 --> 00:14:02,753
You sure that's
a good idea?
351
00:14:02,821 --> 00:14:05,756
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
352
00:14:05,824 --> 00:14:07,625
See? Everything
in moderation.
353
00:14:07,692 --> 00:14:10,795
Now I'm gonna have
five cheese puffs, no more.
354
00:14:12,464 --> 00:14:14,799
Legs, please,
just-just pull over!
355
00:14:14,866 --> 00:14:16,367
Why are you calling me "Legs"?
356
00:14:16,435 --> 00:14:17,802
Is there something wrong
with my legs?
357
00:14:17,869 --> 00:14:19,437
Is that why, is that why
358
00:14:19,504 --> 00:14:20,938
there's a wheelchair
in the car?!
359
00:14:21,006 --> 00:14:23,707
What did you do to my legs,
you Nazi walrus bastard?!
360
00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:25,476
Steve, who is he
talking to?
361
00:14:25,544 --> 00:14:26,844
Shut up, Garfield!
362
00:14:26,912 --> 00:14:29,113
Why-Why, why do you,
why do you hate Mondays?!
363
00:14:29,181 --> 00:14:30,481
You don't even work!
364
00:14:30,549 --> 00:14:33,484
Officer, please,
I'm an educator.
365
00:14:33,552 --> 00:14:35,019
I'm a molder
of young minds.
366
00:14:35,086 --> 00:14:36,187
Shoulder jam!
367
00:14:36,254 --> 00:14:37,488
(engine roars)
368
00:14:37,556 --> 00:14:39,957
(laughs maniacally)
369
00:14:40,025 --> 00:14:44,528
Brother's in the front seat
this time (bleep)!
370
00:14:45,931 --> 00:14:47,798
$50,000.
371
00:14:47,866 --> 00:14:50,000
I'm gonna miss you, money.
372
00:14:50,068 --> 00:14:51,635
Not you, briefcase.
373
00:14:51,703 --> 00:14:54,405
Stan, are we doing
the right thing?
374
00:14:54,473 --> 00:14:57,174
What if Hayley hates us
for doing this?
375
00:14:57,242 --> 00:14:58,275
Hates us?
376
00:14:58,343 --> 00:14:59,343
We're saving her
377
00:14:59,411 --> 00:15:00,578
from making
a huge mistake.
378
00:15:00,645 --> 00:15:01,946
She'll probably thank us
one day.
379
00:15:02,013 --> 00:15:03,781
Like I thanked that woman
who talked me out
380
00:15:03,849 --> 00:15:04,849
of sleeping with her
381
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:06,317
on that business trip
last spring.
382
00:15:06,384 --> 00:15:08,586
She was right.
It would have been a huge mistake.
383
00:15:08,653 --> 00:15:10,554
I just couldn't
see that at the time.
384
00:15:10,622 --> 00:15:12,490
God, she had
the prettiest eyes!
385
00:15:12,557 --> 00:15:15,092
I shoulda done it.
386
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,127
I shoulda.
387
00:15:17,195 --> 00:15:18,696
(phone rings)
Hello.
388
00:15:18,763 --> 00:15:20,097
Hey, Mr. S.
389
00:15:20,165 --> 00:15:21,131
It's Jeff!
390
00:15:21,199 --> 00:15:24,068
(warmly):
Hey, Jeff!
391
00:15:24,135 --> 00:15:27,404
I know you're offering 50 grand
to anyone who stops the wedding.
392
00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:28,272
Uh...
393
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:29,607
What if I agreed
394
00:15:29,674 --> 00:15:31,308
to not marry your daughter?
395
00:15:31,376 --> 00:15:32,476
Would you give me the money?
396
00:15:34,112 --> 00:15:35,946
(playing wailing rock riffs)
397
00:15:39,518 --> 00:15:42,520
(grunts)
I played Stan's satanic best friend
398
00:15:42,587 --> 00:15:44,955
in episode 302.
399
00:15:45,023 --> 00:15:46,790
(groans)
400
00:15:49,227 --> 00:15:50,060
(moans)
401
00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:53,397
(demonic wailing)
402
00:15:58,104 --> 00:15:59,404
(tires screech)
403
00:15:59,472 --> 00:16:01,240
Dumping Hayley
for the reward money!
404
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:02,894
That son of
a bitch hippie!
405
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,462
Francine, this is
a good thing.
406
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,230
We'll just give Jeff
the 50 grand
407
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,632
and be rid of him
forever!
408
00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:15,473
You piece of (bleep).
409
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:16,974
Francine, please.
410
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:18,176
You're gonna break
411
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:20,578
my daughter's heart
for $50,000?!
412
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,679
Francine!
413
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:23,114
You're too angry
right now.
414
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:24,716
Go buy some nuts
and jerky.
415
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:27,218
You're buying my wife
some nuts and jerky.
416
00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:28,986
I'm gonna buy
some nuts and jerky,
417
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,388
you piece of (bleep).
418
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:35,526
Whoa! Hundred-dollar bills.
419
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:38,863
Hello, President Shakespeare.
420
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,466
You'll find Hayley at the
Chimdale Mountain Inn.
421
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:43,601
We were right about you
all along.
422
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,069
I'm sorry, Mr. S.
423
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,305
Your daughter and I have
just been fighting a lot,
424
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,607
and I'm not sure
she's awesome.
425
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,175
Just say the word.
426
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:52,710
Don't do it,
Francine!
427
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,245
All I heard was,
"Do it."
428
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,114
(gun clicking repeatedly)
(screaming)
429
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:59,350
Honey,
it's not loaded.
430
00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:00,618
(finger flicks)
431
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,086
Ow.
432
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,223
(both panting)
433
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:06,190
(gasps)
434
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:20,171
(both panting)
435
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:21,172
Seh-seh-seh!
436
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,341
(groans)
437
00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:25,610
All right,
enough of this.
438
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:31,082
(both screaming)
439
00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:36,754
Are you ready
to apologize?
440
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:41,325
(groaning):
I apologize to the maids at the Red Roof Inn
441
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:47,165
who have to clean
the curtains
442
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,100
and you just said
all that.
443
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:52,203
I'm gonna call your mama
and tell her what you said.
444
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,906
Don't!
445
00:17:54,973 --> 00:17:56,140
MAN:
That money's mine!
446
00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:57,308
MAN 2:
I saw her first!
447
00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:58,709
Leave me alone!
448
00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,578
Fireman chop!
449
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:03,648
Come here,
you valuable shiksa!
450
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:04,749
(creaking)
451
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,250
(gasps)
452
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,552
Fumble!
453
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:14,459
(crowd clamoring)
454
00:18:14,526 --> 00:18:16,494
(gasps) Hey!
455
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,230
(engine revs, tires squeal)
456
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:21,132
(crashing)
457
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,667
(steam hissing)
458
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:26,571
Spring break, yeah!
459
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:28,406
(laughing heartily):
Yeah!
460
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:29,607
Stop, all of you!
461
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,008
The reward has been claimed!
462
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:32,043
Who claimed it?
463
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:33,678
The hippie Jeff Fisher.
464
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:34,979
Really?
465
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,247
The NFL coach?
Probably.
466
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:37,448
I thought he
was dead.
467
00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:39,016
Wha... What are you
talking about?
468
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,385
He took the money, Hayley.
469
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:42,487
He's no good.
470
00:18:42,554 --> 00:18:45,656
That's... not possible.
471
00:18:45,724 --> 00:18:46,824
I'm sorry, honey,
472
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,526
but it's better you
find out now.
473
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:50,228
I guess you guys
were right.
474
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:51,729
I'll get my stuff,
475
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,232
(voice breaking):
and then we can go home.
476
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,933
(sobbing)
477
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,169
LEWIS:
Bitch, what are you crying about?!
478
00:18:58,237 --> 00:18:59,704
I was counting on that money.
479
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:01,272
I can't go back to work now!
480
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,874
I took a deuce on my desk!
481
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:04,442
(yells)
482
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,577
(bleep) y'all!
483
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:10,381
(sobbing)
484
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:11,716
That was quite
a ride, Wheels,
485
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:13,317
but I think
I got us there.
486
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:16,687
ROGER:
Hey, I see Hayley!
487
00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:19,123
Don't marry Jeff!
488
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:21,893
(sighs)
Case closed.
489
00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:27,231
How much packing
does she have to do?
490
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,232
It's been 45 minutes.
491
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,333
You saw her face
492
00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:31,168
when she found out
Jeff bailed on her.
493
00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:32,603
She's devastated!
494
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:35,072
She looked like
she wanted to die.
495
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,308
Wait... You don't
think she'd...?
496
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:41,412
Oh, my God!
Hayley!
497
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:42,780
(thunder crashing)
498
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:46,484
Oh, it's okay.
499
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,386
It's just the hotel manager.
500
00:19:48,453 --> 00:19:51,556
"Surprise. Jeff and I were
in on it together.
501
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:53,324
"We stole your money
and eloped,
502
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:55,226
"this time in style.
503
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:58,262
"By the way, it was
my loser husband's idea.
504
00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:01,165
Yours truly,
Mrs. Jeff Fisher."
505
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,367
That's a weird
suicide note.
506
00:20:03,435 --> 00:20:05,970
No, this is from Hayley.
The suicide note's on the back.
507
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:09,040
"I'm so sorry for
all the horrible things I've done.
508
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:10,841
You'll find the severed
penises underneath..."
509
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,476
Ah, I don't care.
510
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,945
That weaselly
little sneak!
511
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:16,614
What the hell
are you smiling at?
512
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:19,350
Our daughter's new husband
just made 50 grand
513
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:20,718
in half a day.
514
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:23,020
Maybe he's not the idiot
we thought he was.
515
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:26,724
Huh. So maybe Hayley's judgment
isn't so bad.
516
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:29,193
What do you know?
Maybe I won't hate
517
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:30,428
my grandchildren
after all.
518
00:20:30,495 --> 00:20:32,229
So what do you
want to do now?
519
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,131
(shrieks)
(gasps) (gasps)
520
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:35,533
(laughs)
521
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,168
(laughs)
522
00:20:37,235 --> 00:20:38,469
What a day.
523
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:43,240
50K. I love you, baby!
524
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:44,809
I love you, too, babe.
525
00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:46,811
So, now that
we're married,
526
00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:48,179
there's something
I want you to see.
527
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:56,654
(car backfiring)
528
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:02,593
Totally makes up
529
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:04,261
for my small
penis, huh?
530
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:10,568
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
531
00:21:10,618 --> 00:21:15,168
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