All language subtitles for S12E07 - The Empire That Foggy Nearly Built

Clegg's quiet.

What are you thinking about, Clegg?

I was wondering
why oranges are round,

and bananas are cucumber-shaped.

Serves thee right for asking.

Trouble is, Nora's starting
to take me for granted.

I'm always there -
she's got used to me.

Now she's started to look upon me
as just the bloke next door.

She's overlooking
the basic sex appeal.

You're becoming too familiar.
He's too familiar with everyone.

You're right, Norm.
I've got to surprise her.

When you do she only thumps you.
I mean a nice surprise.

Don't tell me
you're gonna mend your trousers!

There's no poetry in tha soul.

I don't know - he always admires
a finely polished bayonet.

I do! There's nothing like the
gleam of a finely polished bayonet.

And you know, there's a
spiritual side to the karate chop.

I like a Barnsley chop,
with onions and a few chips.

And how are you going to surprise
Nora Batty?

I'm working on that, Norm.

Well, I think it's wonderful.
The richness of the human spirit.

To think that you can get
to your age

and still go on acting
like a total idiot!

It's a gift!

Come on, now. I was here first!

Look at it!
Fighting over a parking space.

How childish can you get?

It's the sort of behaviour that
should be left in the playground.

Stay out of it, Foggy. Nonsense!
They're in need of a referee.

Well, we'll see you at the caff,
Foggy. Yes, very well.

This won't take a minute.

Will you men...

Good grief!
What sort of behaviour is this?

Ey up, Howard! What's tha doing
with this other woman?

We've been to get me glasses changed.

Life's all go, isn't it, eh

You have! You've gone quite white!

It's only since I met you.

There's Pearl looking very tasty...

in a scary sort of way.

There's something missing.
It's the third idiot. Where is he?

He'll be along in a minute.
He's just found somewhere
to poke his nose in.

That'll be a treat for somebody

Do you think I could stop here...
No. You've got housework to do.

I've got housework to do.

Happy home-making, Howard!

Ey up, Ivy!
It's me - the pretty one.

Would you take that
as a criticism, Norm?

Sounds reasonable.
She's just playing hard to get.

As fierce as she is,
she is hard to get!

I know but I can't resist
a challenge.

If I weren't spoken for by Nora
Batty, thee and me could make
lovely music... OH! ..together.

But not in that key.

What do you want?
Or have you popped in to annoy me?

Three teas, three sticky buns,
one kiss and a cuddle on the house.

Kisses and cuddles are off!

Three teas?
He'll be along in a minute.
Something else to look forward to!

Ivy, as a woman of experience...

Who said that?! If I get to know
who said that I'll sue!

All I want is a bit of advice.
Oh, you want some advice?

Watch your mouth.
Sounds good advice to me.

Ivy...

all I want to know is how
to get through to Nora Batty.
Supposing a bloke was after thee.

No need to say it like that.
It has been known.

You're on very dangerous ground.

But what's a fellow got to do
to impress thee?

Well, I wouldn't want any of them
sudden attacks you specialise in.

No girl likes being rushed.
Then what does she like?

Flowers... champagne.

Champagne!
I should stick to sudden attacks.

What the blood and stomach pills...?

Well!

I've seen some weird stuff
dumped in litter bins.

Could you two lend a hand
instead of finding it very amusing?

It's a man-eating litter bin!
What happened?

I was refereeing an argument
between two motorists

when they turned on me
without the slightest provocation.

I think it suits thee, Foggy!

Get me out! Come on.

We'll have to cut you out.

Well,
you're not using my tin-opener!

This is a job for Wesley.
We'll get thee to Wesley.

I can't walk there
looking like this!

All right, wear this plastic mac.

When do men settle down?

Oh, eventually.

Another biscuit? We've only just
finished listening to the last one.

I like them crisp although
they are inclined to make crumbs.

Speaking of crumbs,
when do men settle down?

How long is "eventually"?

Oh, it's a long time.
That's one thing you can rely on.

It's a long time.

- That's encouraging.
You might as well have the full facts.

If you're talking
the full facts about men,

I'd prefer our Glenda to go and do
something useful in the kitchen.

Mother, I'm a married woman too,
you know!

Yes, love, but only to Barry.

That's like still being
on a provisional licence.

We have our troubles.

What's them, then?
You've never mentioned troubles to me.

You should always
confide in your mother, love.

And selected friends.

But your Barry seems
to be such a quiet sort.

Which sets you
wondering for a start.

What's this trouble,
between you and your barry?

Well...

..some days he won't eat his muesli.

If that's your biggest trouble,
you've got a gem there.

Does he drink a lot?
- No.

Does he chase after women?
- No he doesn't.

Has he had a check-up lately?
- He gets one regularly at work.

A gem!
- You can spend a lifetime on some of

them and not bring
them to that condition.

Good gracious!

What was he doing in there?

You know Foggy, creature of impulse.

Woke up saying, "What can we
do today that's different?"

Tell him next time to get a larger size.
- It's not a bad fit.

Straight off the peg.
It's not as if he had time for a fitting.

Amazing what amuses tiny minds.

Tha's got a lot of lip for
the contents of a litter bin!

There's no experience
without its educational value.

Except maybe waiting in the queue
for the checkout of a supermarket .

Embarrassing as this situation was,
it taught me something.

Not to poke tha nose in.

I think it's a lot like being dead.

Waiting at the checkout of a supermarket.

It didn't teach you how
to get out of a litter bin.

I noticed you had to come to me.

Me arms were pinned!
- It's your jaw that needs pinning.

I think it was fate.
- It were a litter bin.

I think it was destiny drawing my
attention to something I'd overlooked.

Aye. How to duck.

I wonder how many
suicides are directly

attributable to waiting at
the checkout of a supermarket.

The ability to learn from situations
that go wrong distinguishes a man.

This morning I've learned how desparate
people are for parking spaces.

We've been walking past
this potential goldmine

for years, never
giving it a thought.

There you go, you see -
parking spaces are like gold.

There's a very considerable
income waiting for

the person who can
provides parking spaces.

Yes, but we haven't
got any parkingspaces.

Then we shall have
to find some, shall we?!

Sounds naff to me.
- "Naff"?

You won't think it's naff
in about three years' time

when our parking empire stretches
from here to... the sky's the limit.

My only regret is I didn't
think of it 20 years ago.

What's thou think of it, Norm?
- Pretty naff. I told thee!

I thought you wanted to buy

champagne for Nora Batty?
- Champagne!

That's 40p, er... no, say 50p

for six hours... No, no, say eight.

Eight hours.

Now that comes to...

Ye Gods!

The potential's enormous.
I'm not just talking penny's, it's enormous!

How much does it add up to now?

Well, it could be
hundreds of pounds.

Hundreds of pounds!

Yeah.

Well, then, you've got all the money.
Your turn to buy a round.

Aah, look at him, multi-millionaire!
- There'll be overheads, you know.

Overheads?
He's gonna have to get a bigger purse.

Come along, you men.
Let's have a bit of energy, damn it.

It's not as if I'm
leading you into trouble,

I'm leading you into
financial security.

Interesting, walking round
a car park, ain't it, Norm?

Yes, I like the way the cars
just sort of sit there.

I like passing the red ones.

Yes, I know. There's something
very red about the red ones.

You see?

Not a vacant space.

I wouldn't say that, Foggy.

Supply and demand. Are we onto
something, or are we onto something?

A point of procedure, Foggy.
- Yes. Yes.

I'm not one of your dictatorial
managers. I can listen to advice.

Well, it's just that we don't
HAVE a multi-storey car park.

No, no, of course we don't.

Not for starters, no.
That's next year.

This year we find
a few unused waste spaces.

How many more waste spaces?
Well, they weren't suitable.

We have to find a
suitable waste space.

How's it feel to be a
parking millionaire, Norm?

It makes your legs ache.

Well done, that man.
- Not again!

Just the chap we need.

My junior executives
are beginning to flagg.

We need a lift. - Edie said...
How is Edie? - Waiting. That's good.

Come on, move in.
This chap hasn't got all day.

Where to?
- Any old waste space, Wesley.

Could you narrow that down a bit?

Some unused waste space.

I'm not sure I know any waste spaces.

I'm surprised, a chap like you.

Ought to keep your
wits about you. Drive on.

Ah, yes, it's ideal.

Absolutely ideal. If we're tidy,
we can get quite a few cars in here.

Tidy?! What the hell's tidy
about this place?

Look who's talking.

Clegg understands,
Clegg can see the possibilities.

Well, it's a long way
from the shops, Foggy.

I won't listen to these negative attitudes.

- I've got Edie waiting.
We have got to start thinking positive!

I am positive - Edie's waiting!

Let us consider the
advantages of this place.

What advantages?

"What advantages?" He says.
Use your eyes, man.

We have got
security and privacy.

One attendant from here can
keep his eye on all the cars.

The place is entirely private!

There's no-one here.

Mice.
- Mice?! That sounded more like a buffalo.

Big mice.

Ey up, Howard. Let's see
thou talk tha way out of this one.

I, I, had no idea you were
interested in industrial ruins, too.

This lady and I have a common
interest in industrial history.

Trouble is,
it makes your hair so dusty.

You gotte give him points for trying.

Well, we must be on our way.
A lot of history still to be covered.

What sort of sign?

Well, something bright and clear.
I'll paint the words.

It's got to be readable
from a distance.

And from a moving car.
- They'll be moving all right.

They're not going to park out there,
are they?

Leave yourselves in my hands.
We'll overcome the little difficulties.

Yes, speaking personally, I usually
under-come the little difficulties.

I'm much better at
under-coming than overcoming.

You see how it is, Wesley, don't you?

I have to provide the initiative
and the energy for the entire enterprise.

Well, you've got a big enough gob for it.
I'll give you that.

I really haven't the time for all this.

Wesley, you could be in at
the start of a whole new enterprise.

You'll talk about
this in years to come.

I think Edie will want to talk
about it long before then.

I'm looking for someone who
desperately needs a parking space.

Me for a start. I'm on a yellow line!

Only temporarily.

Go on, get in.

Let's have your money.

What happened? Well...
I know what happened there!

You scared him off, didn't you!
Look at you!

You're just too untidy to
inspire confidence in people.

It's a long way, Foggy.

It's not that far, is it?
- I really...

There you are, see! He's not bothered
about the distance.

We, we really must get you
some decent sort of uniform.

Nothing like a uniform
for improving a person's appearance.

My cap's too big. - You want to be comfortable,
don't you?

You don't want it
squeezing your head.

Don't want it squeezing me shoulders.

You've got to wear it with a bit
of style and swagger, you know.

Yes, now go and try that on Nora.

You know what she's like when she's
busy. Hates anyone ringing her bell.

But he'll make it up to her -
he's going to buy her champagne.

When we get a few bob coming in.

I am Norm!
I'm going to buy her champagne.

He's right, it is too big.

She didn't seem very impressed.

Are you sure she recognised you?
Try again.

Don't come round here
ringing people's bells.

Oh, she did.
I think she recognised you.

You know where we went wrong?

"Everywhere" springs to mind.

No, we didn't work the idea out thoroughly,
you see.

What we are going to do now is offer
a fuller service valet-parking.

Valet parking?!

Well, you've seen it on the films,
haven't you? They do it in America.

People drive up to a
restaurant, and they leave

the car, and some fella
drives it to the garage.

When they come out, they order
the car and he drives it back again.

We are going to
be the first in this area

to introduce valet parking.

How am I going to drive
a lot of different cars?

You don't drive them all at once.
One at a time!

A car is a car, basically.
they're all the same.

I can never remember
where all the buttons are.

You don't need them all,
just the ones to drive it away.

They're the ones I forget most!

Where are you going to park it?
Ah, yes, you see.

Anywhere - the first
free space you come to.

That's the beauty
of this, you see.

No overheads.

I hope it's a big space,
I can never park in little spaces.

Here we go, a customer.

You'll park the car?
We certainley will, sir.

Leave everything with us.
- Boy?

How much? 50p an hour, sir.

I'll just write you out this ticket
with the time on it.

And then we can settle up
on your return.

What about cash in advance?

We don't know how long
the gentleman will need to park.

You just tottle off into town,
you know. Leave everything with us.

When you're ready,
just come back here.

It's automatic. - How lucky can you get?
I've never driven an automatic.

You better find out how to quick.
You're double-parked.

Boy!

Yes, well, er, he'll get
better as the day goes on.

I just hope he's back
in time for the next one.

I still say we should
collect the money first.

- We can't! get the money first.
A deposit.

We should...
- We can't get a depos...

What's he doing coming
round the block twice?

He'll have taken
a wrong turning.

That's it. He'll have
taken a wrong turning.

He'll soon get the hang of it.

You have to have a
little confidence in people.

- How little?
What do you mean?

I was wondering how little
confidence you've got in him.

Cos here he comes again.

So much for the parking business.

Well, if some damn fool is going
to board a bus whilst in a motor car!

I had me mind set on champagne
for Nora Batty.

What mind?why don't we go for a drink.
You can take her home a bottle of stout.

I could do that, Norm.
She likes stout.