All language subtitles for S12E04 - Walking Stiff Can Make You Famous

Can I borrow your bike?

What are you doing?
Get off that thing!

My mam always promised me
one of these. I'm still waiting.

You'll soon get fed up
with it when it comes.

Behave yourself. Really.

Yes, you see, he was...

He took her for a fortnight to Miami.

Didn't she used to be a Cooper
from Marlow street?

Yes, number 23.
Her mother used to wear that red hat.

Who'd have thought
that anyone from Marlow street

would grow up to Miami
for a fortnight!

I knew it wouldn't do for me.
All that vice!

I don't think it's compulsory!

How could the damned fool think I should
want to ride a child's tricycle?

Do I look the sort of person who'd
want to ride a child's tricycle?

You clean your shoes, wear
a regimental tie and some damned fool...

Give it a rest, Foggy.

Couldn't he see you're the only one
likely to want to ride a tricycle?

I'd have thought any fool could see it!
Calm down, Foggy.

Nice, deep breaths. Why don't
you stand to attention for a while?

It always makes you feel better.

I'm far too tense
for standing to attention.

Why does he always
stand to attention?

It's a sort of military yoga.

You can't rely on people
recognising quality these days.

The only thing that
impresses people nowadays is,

if your face is famous.

Anyone who goes round
picking up tricycles has got to be famous!

Hey up! It's Nora Batty!

Don't start any more scenes
in the street!

Everything's such a price!
- It makes life easier. What does?

Everything being such a price.
You come out, you look at a few shops,

you see that everything's
such a price.

It makes it easier to go home
and make do with what you've got.

Don't you ever fancy
something stylish, fashionable, new?

Yea gods!
He gets everywhere!

Sometimes you'd think he were twins.

I do apologise for this, ladies.
I'll soon put a stop to it.

And he's full of flannel!

There's no hurry!

Will you come out of there!

Yes... um, no, er...
Actually, it was him who...

If I were rich, pet,
I'd buy you a new hat.

Who needs a new hat?!

You put up with him
living next door to you.

Let him buy you a new hat!
- Aye, let me buy thee a new hat!

Oh, it's great being molested
by two women, Norm!

You were always one for
the simple pleasures. - I was, Norm.

I had to buy the damn thing.
What am I going to do with a lady's hat?

Did she like the hat?
- She didn't want to accept it at first.

How did you persuade her?

I threatened
to take it round the house!

You little silver-tongued devil, you!

What's he doing?

Is he still standing to attention?
- No, he's pacing up and down.

Sit down, Foggy!
Tha's causing a draft!

It's so disappointing!
I should be enjoying the respect

due to a long and distinguished
military career.

You'd think
I was just some civilian!

Oh, not any civilian, Foggy.
You'd have to be a long dozy one.

It shows you how little judgement
people have.

Unless your face is famous,
they treat you just like any other twit!

On behalf of us "other twits",

may I say, it's one of the things,
that you come to learn to live with.

Twit-ness is one of the few things
they haven't yet found

to be bubbling fatally
with cholesterol.

Well, I resent being confused
with the nitwits of the universe.

I think he's looking at me, Norm.

Sounds reasonable to me.

I find it irritating that after
a lifetime's dedicated service,

to two monarcs, people are still

likely to confuse
you with some muffin.

Sounds reasonable to me!

It would be a different tale though,
wouldn't it,

if I was a TV personality.

Yes, you have to shove
your face forward these days,

if you want to get a bit of respect.

That's always been my trouble.
I've never been one to advertise.

It's not our way.
It's not the warriors' code.

I don't go around boasting how many
of the enemy these hands have killed.

Is that the left hand
or the right hand, Foggy?

Well, it w...

Either. And if you want to test it,
you put your throat in here.

I've hurt his rotten feelings, Norm.

You're only jealous
cos he bought Nora Batty a new hat.

He owes me money for that hat!

That's another thing thou's
famous for - being tight!

I want every penny, plus delivery!

See what I mean?

And it's index-linked, you know.

How the hell does thou expect
to become a TV personality

when all thou can do
is strangle people!

A trained killer
doesn't just strangle people!

These hands are lethal weapons!
They can be used to stab and chop!

It must have been you,
I was next to in the bus queue.

If I had a wish to be famous,

it would be in some more dignified
manner than that, thank you.

I'd want to be associated
with something

a little more upmarket
than television.

If I was going to be famous,

I would wish to be associated
with something dignified.

Such as what?

Well, exploring, for instance.

I'd have been ideal

as the first white man
to penetrate some savage region.

I'm not going to Wales.

If you're going to Wales,
you're going on your own.

Explorer?! Foggy Dewhurst, explorer?
Tha's got us lost last week

between here and Huddersfield!

My compass was on the blink.

Now there's an animal with dignity.

That's something I could
have been - a famous horseman.

You're too long for a jockey.

I'm not talking about racehorses.
I'm talking about the elegant end.

It's the other end that worries me.

Make a bit of room for the rider.

And don't be leaping about
and startling the animal.

These thoroughbreds
don't like being startled.

Sounds like Nora Batty.
She gets startled if I make a sudden move!

The only move I would make
would be to some other street!

Lovely morning for a ride...

I think he's just lifted the ban
on sudden movements!

They shouldn't be out riding
if they can't control the horse.

Well, if you're going to wave
a stick under its nose!

I made a simple gesture of courtesy.
Aye, right under its nose.

I don't know what the fella said.
Did you hear what the fella said?

Well, I don't think it was,
"have a nice day."

Obviously not a gentleman.

Some upstart trying
to raise himself above his station.

Yes, I regret now
not having taken up horsemanship.

Still you can have everything.
I had a war to win.

Well, it took thee long enough!

Time passes
when you're enjoying yourself.

Polo.

What?

Yes, now, there's a game I wouldn't
have minded being famous for.

Yes,
striding in after a brisk chukker.

Yes, I would have made my Mark
in Polo.

No. You're more like the hole
in the middle!

Come on, son, it's your turn.

Damn it, I paid for the hat!

Get tha purse out!

If you don't, I'll tell everyone
in this pub tha buy's ladies' hats.

Oh, I can't watch!

I can't bear to see anything suffer.

The trouble is,
Polo is a rich man's game.

Mind you,
so is buying a pint nowadays!

Oh-ho! This is good!

This is clever! I think
we've really cracked it this time.

I mean, look at me! I'm just
a fella sitting on a bridge!

I don't care who goes by.

They're never going to believe
that here we are, together.

I can see that, Howard.

They're definitely not
going to think we're together.

I mean, I'm here, and even I
don't think we're together.

We have to be careful! I've got
your reputation to think about.

At this distance, Howard,
I'm never going to get a reputation!

You're going to have to come up
with a better idea than this.

You've forgotten your purse, Foggy!

Did you see him move?!

Talk about reflexes!
You don't think I believed you, do you?

I was just playing along with you.
- Give over!

Tha nearly had a coron-onary!

You're a bit protective
about that purse, Foggy.

I know that mother love
is powerful, but...

I've never seen any merit
in throwing money away.

I've always had to keep a very
careful check on expenditure.

We've noticed.
- I was taught to kill, not to make money.

If you want to be a lethal machine,
you have to live simply.

That's the main reason
I never took up Polo,

I would've been a natural at Polo,
but the horses are so expensive.

You see? It's not so bad here after all.
We can hold hands.

You'll have to lean over
a bit further, Howard.

It puts a terrible strain
on a girl's suspender.

Oh, Howard.

You need two or three Polo ponies.

That means stabling and feeding.

It's beyond the reach of your
average sportsman of modest means.

I've caught you then, Howard!

Looks like it's all downhill,
Howard!

How did you know it was me,
hanging from your end?

Well, you had guilt written
all over your... face, Howard.

What a triumph it would be
for the man who could bring Polo

within the reach of a modest income.

I'd be famous then all right.

The Henry Ford of Polo.

"There he goes," they'd say.
Former corporal Dewhurst,

the man who made Polo
into a mass sport.

Yeah, they'd know who they were
dealing with then all right.

No more misunderstandings
with children's tricycles.

No, I'd be recognised for what I am.

We've recognised
what tha are for years!

He's getting
his "clive of India" look.

I hate it when he gets
his "clive of India" look!

Do you think Wesley could knock
us up a few simple implements?

But what's it for?
- Never mind what it's for.

At the moment, I have to keep
a very tight security lid on this.

I want absolute silence about it, Wesley.
You tell no-one.

What if our lass
wants to know what I'm doing?

I repeat... you tell no-one.

Listen, if our lass
wants to know what I'm doing,

she doesn't take kindly
to being told to bog off!

Use your discretion. I'll do that.
If she asks, I'll tell her.

That's the only way to have
any discretion with our lass.

Wesley, I want you to swear...
On this maintenance manual

that nothing you hear in here
will pass your lips.

What's he up to?
- I've a feeling we'll find out.

He wouldn't even
show me the drawing!

He's under some nervous strain.

I think he wants to be famous.

Oh, he is famous. He's known for
miles around as being a right twit.

What's he doing,
propped against my gate?

That's not the sort of ornament
you'd chose for your gate.

You should worry!
I have to live next door to it!

Well, you should have a medal.
- I'll have another biscuit.

Mother, it's my father
they're after, not you.

I don't like him propped against the gate,
giving the impression he's a visitor.

Nobody is more charitably inclined
to the under-privileged than me,

although I can't say
that I like them on the premises.

Oh, your father does mix
with some weird characters.

At least they're male.

Oooh, he's all male.
- It's not first-class male though, is it?

No. And it looks like his
envelope's been used a few times!

Ah, stuff this.

Why can't we carry these things
out in the open?

Will you...

Will you put that away! Put it away!
Do you want everyone to see?

One thing I hate is a Polo mallet
down your trouser leg.

It's not just a Polo mallet.
It's a revolutionary new size.

That's why they're still
highly confidential.

I daren't expose them just yet.

If you carry on like that,
you will expose sommit, I tell thee!

It must be kept under wraps,
until I've worked out all the details,

and fully patented the game.
- Well, it's not my idea of a game,

walking about with one of these
things down your trouser leg.

You've no idea, you two, have you?

You've no conception of
how important this could be to me.

If this game sweeps the country
as I confidently expect it will,

it could transform all our lives.

Mine's started to be
transformed already.

Come along home with me while I change.
- Into what?

I suppose a good fairy
is too much to hope?

Into something
a bit more suitable for Polo.

You can't play Polo
dressed like this.

Cloth rips

Right.

well, I knew they'd
come in useful one day.

I got 'em cheap from a fella
I knew in the veterinary corps.

Are you sure he didn't leave
the horse in?

These are ideal for the job!
- I'm not walking out with thee wearing them!

I'm the one that's supposed to be tatty.
That looks ridiculous!

All right, if it soothes
your tiny mind, I'll go in front.

Come on.

Oh, yes.

It's absolutely ideal this,
you know.

You see, there's plenty of space,
lots of room for manoeuvre.

Oh yes, it's just about
the right size area, this.

I think I shall recommend
an area this size

when I write the book of rules.

I don't know if you know
how good it feels

to be on the verge
of something like this.

I know how good it feels to get this
Polo mallet out of your trousers.

Ooh! I've got a splinter in my...

We don't wish to know that.

Now...
You, put your coat down here.

And you, put yours down there.

If we had, er,

two teams, of course,
we'd want two goals.

For the time being, while we're practising,
we'll make do with one.

Norman, remember,

one goal will do.

Oh, I'm glad about that
I hate overdoing it with goals

Right. Throw the ball.
We'll try a little chukker.

You... twit!

What the blood and stomach pills?

Three teas, please, Ivy!
And 64 sticking plasters.

Has there been an accident?

Aye, and it's known
as Foggy Dewhurst.

Oh, stop complaining, will you?
So you scraped your knee a bit.

That playing field is harder
than it used to be.

It wasn't as hard as that
when I was 12.

I hope you've not come in here
to bleed!

If you want to bleed,
you can go and bleed outside.

One thing I'll say for you, Ivy,
you don't go all emotional and sympathetic.

You look terrible. And another thing,
the hair's come off your brush!

No, it's not a brush,
it's a Polo mallet.

A what?

He's invented bicycle Polo!

All we need is a bit
of protective clothing.

I was in the kitchen. I heard you.

How do you mean
I came in sounding guilty?

You did.

You came in sounding guilty.

The door.

I can always tell by the door
when you sound guilty.

I... I don't know
what you mean, love.

When you come through normally,
it sounds like this.

Door creaks open

but when you come creeping through,
all guilty,

it sounds like this.

Door creaks loudly and slowly

I'll put some oil on it.
- No, you won't.

It knows what it's doing.

Come here!

Feeling better?
- Bog off.

They say that a lot in Polo,
do they?

I'm telling thee,

if I get woodworm through having
a Polo mallet down my shirt...

Tha's gonna hear from Nora Batty!

You're not still moaning, are you?

We're protected now,
what is there to moan about?

Do you want to see the bruises?
- No, thank you.

I suggest we ride in a V-formation
down to the playing area.

Right, follow me!
You'll find it'll get easier.

Right!

Oh, that's it, Foggy,

not only bicycle Polo,
but bicycle water Polo!