All language subtitles for Difficult.people.S01E06

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This is so exciting,

our first meeting with a comedy manager.

I love going out to breakfast

because no one ever judges you

for not getting a salad.

I'll judge you.

You two are so bloody funny together.

You know, Richard, in Australia,

are the kangaroos

as prevalent as squirrels here?

I could beat up a kangaroo.

You could not!

- Yes I could.
- You could not.

I have no reason to but I could.

Are you looking for representation?

Oh my god, are you kidding?

- Always, yes!
- Yeah.

That was easy.

Yes, we have a manager now.

All right, slow down.

Let's start this gradually.

We'll try a few things

and build a relationship.

I'd like to have a relationship

with a fresh kangaroo.

I'll bop them right in the nose,

give them the old paintbrush.

You're obsessed with kangaroos.

Are you interested in writing jobs?

- Oh my God, yes. Of course.
- Yes, yes, yes.

I'd like any job where I'm considered

the person with the most social skills.

And I always hated pants with zippers.

Even Later with Chris Hardwick is looking.

After Jimmy Fallon, Seth
Meyers, Carson Daly,

it's a live show that recaps

the entire late night block.

Exactly what we needed.

- I've been saying that!
- Yeah, yeah, finally!

So in the packet, what
do we have to write?

Monologue jokes,

Twitter hashtag games.

- Great.
- Absolutely.

We will kill it, we will crush it.

It's due tomorrow morning.

I am so ready to write television

instead of just watching
it and recapping it.

This is huge, Billy, do you realize

how many people started out

as late night television writers?

Mel Brooks, Woody Allen.

I know, I can't wait to
marry my own daughter

and start writing terrible
movie scripts ten years ago.

I'm so proud of Woody
Allen, he paid so many dues

and he finally got what he always wanted.

- An Amazon series.
- An Amazon series.

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Hello Billy, Noodles.

Why are you surrounded with the vestiges

of print journalism?

We have an opportunity

to be television writers.

Yes, and we are looking at newspapers

because we have to write jokes

about current events.

Which newspapers are bursting with.

Oh, Ebola's back!

Uh oh!

We could do something like, uh,

Angelina Jolie is a director,

and now Ebola's back?

- Uh oh!
- Uh oh!

- Right?
- But we need premise, like--

You know how they talk on talk shows,

like, uh, in the news today.

You guys hear about this?

Here's a funny story, or...

Joe Biden had dinner in New York City.

Yeah, Joe Biden had
dinner in New York City.

Joe Biden had dinner in New York City.

Joe Biden dinner in New York City.

Joe Biden tonight had
dinner in New York City.

What a-- what a--
what a clod, right?

That's our take on him.

Yeah.

We could write a joke about the Taliban.

Yes.

Like, the Taliban's awful,

and Angelina Jolie is directing now?

- Uh oh!
- Uh oh!

Sounds like you two are
off to a great start.

Text me if you don't
want paella for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

Julie, you okay?

Yeah, why?

Because Arthur was whistling

and you didn't say anything.

It was like you didn't mind.

You know, I have oddly been more serene

these past few days, and nauseous.

And late for my period, oh my God!

- What if I'm pregnant?
- You're not pregnant.

- There's no way I'm pregnant.
- No.

But then there's that TV show

of women that went to the bathroom one day

and, surprise, you don't have to poop,

you're a human mother.

I don't watch that show.

Oh my god.

What if I'm pregnant?

None of these pregnancy tests
are gonna be accurate.

- Why not?
- I'm on this

illegal Canadian HCG hormone

I ordered from a spam
email to lose weight.

Well, that sounds perfectly safe.

Yeah, I know, but what's the alternative,

portion control?

Now, any of these tests I take

is gonna give me a false negative.

I'm gonna call my doctor.

Oh, lube has its own aisle here, fancy.

My doctor can't see me until Friday,

so I decided to stock up

on Hope tampons in the meantime.

I'm sure your body will get the hint.

You know, as impressed
as I was with Richard,

I just don't know if he's
the right match for us.

There's something about him.

I can't tell if he's
sleazy or just Australian.

So, if he's the wrong manager,

we can always leave.

I mean, nothing is permanent.

Except, you know, parenthood.

Well, not the show
Parenthood, that's over.

Every lesbian I'm friends with on Facebook

loved that show.

I know, it was so important to them

to let all their friends
know when they cried.

Yeah, how did lesbians let us know

they were crying before Facebook?

Smoke signals.

Oh my God.

The Huffington Post: Print Edition?

Are you kidding me?

This is a joke?

No, this is real.

Everything you liked about
the Huffington Post

without any of the convenience.

And who says print is dead?

Somebody at a party I would
never want to talk to.

Look at this, how do they
afford all of this ink?

Every person in the known universe

is a columnist in here.

Well, to be fair, could we really

have gone another day without reading

Phoebe Tutnauer's haunting personal essay

about her bad experience with Airbnb?

I must buy this!

I'm glad we got candy. It helps me think.

Mm-hm, me too. It's good for
our brains; It's like fish.

Do you ever read about those rich women

whose dermatologists tell them to eat

so much salmon that they joke,

"Maybe I'm one day gonna become a salmon!"

Yeah, like someone who's like,

"Oh, if I ate another a blueberry,

I think I'm gonna become a blueberry."

It's like, no, you're not.

I think it's from Willy Wonka.

Mm.

We should get something on the page.

Yeah.

We're supposed to come up

with Twitter hashtag games.

Why don't we go on Twitter,

look at some actual hashtag games?

Like research.

Mm-hm.

This isn't working.

I know.

You know why?

This isn't a proper work environment.

I was just thinking that,
I didn't want to say it.

We need to make it more like
a comedy writer's room.

You know what comedy writer's rooms have?

Ping pong tables.

Yes. Yes!

It'll free up our minds for jokes

because their hands are moving around!

- In motion.
- We should get one.

- Let's go get it.
- At a...

Um... a sporting goods store?

Yep, we'll write on the train.

Yep, I'll bring my laptop.

I'll bring mine too.

I'm glad we didn't write on the train.

Yeah, you know, I think
if you start to obsess

too much about the actual writing,

you miss the opportunity to be

inspired by changing your environment.

Yeah, speaking of which,

let's get the ping pong table

and get the hell out of here.

I know, I'm getting flashbacks

to all those jocks in my high school.

Oh my God, you know what my
worst nightmare would be?

What if I am pregnant

and I end up having a son,

and he's athletic

and well adjusted and popular.

And, oh my God, what if he's not gay?

Julie, stop being crazy.

I promise you, if you have a son,

he will be as gay as Jason Gould.

Thank you, but still,

could you imagine?

What if he tried to high five me one time?

Ugh.

I know.

So which is the black side

and which is the red side?

Are they different

or is it the same kind of rubber?

I didn't know these were wood.

- Is it real wood?
- Hey folks, I'm Rita.

Looking for a ping pong table?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Possibly.

Well, the thing I like about this one

is this integrated ball
storage apron right here.

It's right at the knee length.

It's nice.

Holds a lot of balls.

Oh my God, this is really expensive.

Well, don't make any
decisions you can't back up.

You know, I always like
to tell my customers

to sleep on it when it comes

to making big purchases.

Doesn't make me the best
salesgirl on the floor,

but, at least I have a good conscience.

Well, we all make choices.

Choices, huh.

Hey, you want to hear a funny story?

I used to be an Olympic gymnast.

That is... funny.

Yeah, I even got an offer

to be on the cover of a box of Wheaties,

but then a much trashier cereal

approached me for twice the money

and I couldn't say no.

After my photo was published

on box after box of Slappies,

my career was over.

What the hell are Slappies?

Oh, they're off the market now.

They were kind of like Wheaties,

but they glowed in the dark.

Turns out the 27,000%

of a daily recommended
allowance of mercury

is "too much of a good thing."

Are you serious?

That's horrible!

Yeah... sure wish I turned them down

when I had the chance.

Anyhoozle, how about this pivoting

72 inch cotton blend net.

Look at that, you can catch blue crabs

in something like that, right?

- You guys go crabbing?
- Yeah...

We're never gonna play ping pong.

No, and now that I see it in person,

I don't think it's as inspirational

as I thought it would be.

We're not, like, sportsmen.

Now that we're here,

it just, it's--
it's not a good idea.

Okay, well what the fuck am
I doing here then, right?

Oh, wow...

Clarence!

Okay, back to the packet.

I have an idea.

What if we went to the Paley Center,

and we watched old episodes

of late night talk shows for inspiration.

Yes! I've always wanted to do that.

You can go and you can watch,

like, Steve Alan and Jack
Paar, and all of it.

Yes, even if we just watch a couple

of episodes of Johnny Carson,

it will inspire us.

Totally. What was that thing Johnny Carson

used to do, oh no, punch women.

Yes.

I am so glad we left the Paley Center

to get mani-pedis.

Me too, how are we supposed to sit

through a single episode
of any of that shit?

I know, right, it's so boring.

I mean, Ernie Kovacs, suck my dick.

That was a different time.

Were they?

I mean, it's 2015, and still,

every single talk show host

on network late night TV

is a straight white man.

Hm, I don't know.

Colbert's too smart not to at least be bi.

See, girls that age,

you just sneeze on them
and they get pregnant.

But what erotic foreplay?

Seriously though, I'm 35,

what if this is my last
chance to get pregnant?

Do you want to be pregnant?

No!

Oh, thank God.

But what if I do one day,

and when the time is
right I'm not able to?

Well, what if you do one day

and then you become one of those people

that only talks about
their baby all the time,

and then I have to find a new friend?

God, look at the masthead on this thing.

It's huge!

Oh good, Bill Maher has something to say.

How could he still call them "New Rules"?

He's been on the air since
his hair was still mauve.

I don't know, we need fresh
voices on television.

I know, ours!

I just want to dive in

and write, write, write!

Me too!

You know what would be fun?

To go to a movie.

A movie.

So it's later than we thought,

I'm still glad we saw that.

Me too.

The only annoying thing is how many

of our friends were in it.

Anything at this point
that's Apatow-adjacent

we just have to accept
is gonna star everyone

we went into improv class with.

- Oh no.
- What's wrong?

Is the baby kicking?

I don't have my laptop.

But our sex tape is in the cloud!

Ah!

Seriously, though, I don't have my laptop.

Sorry, guys, no laptop
in the lost and found.

Really? I-- I--

Could just ask Rita if it was near

the ping pong table?

I-- I know it has to be there.

Well, Rita's shift ended, uh...

maybe she took the laptop home.

My friend has a lot of
classified information

on that computer.

She's a very important
businesswoman-- sir!

She works for NASA.

NASA?

Those are the same sons of bitches

who put me in this chair.

I beg your pardon?

There was this beautiful girl,

you see, and it wasn't typical a girl

that stunning would talk to me.

Anyway, she asked me to accompany her

to space camp.

I should've said no.

And what happened at space camp?

I destroyed both my eardrums.

Lost my equilibrium.

What happened to the girl?

Eh, she got away.

Ground control to major bummer.

Well, I'll go give Rita a call.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, thanks.

Billy, I can't lose my laptop.

Do you have a lot of naked
pictures of yourself on there?

Of course, I'm more concerned

about the emails badmouthing people.

- Right.
- Amy Pascal has nothing on me.

She's an angel compared to you.

You're the same way.

- I mean, come on.
- No, I know.

If anyone published your emails,

wouldn't you much rather
it was just, like,

an unflattering photo of you naked?

Are you kidding, I don't care

what people say about my dick.

Hey, NASA!

Good news.

Rita's got your laptop.

- Are you serious?
- Oh yes!

Oh my God, thank you so much!

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

She said to meet her
near Astor Place at six.

- Okay.
- She's got a voice lesson.

Oh, wow, I wouldn't think
Rita could carry a tune.

Shut your mouth!

There's a lot of things Rita can do!

This is good.

We're meeting Rita at six

so now we have three hours to write.

Yes, exactly.

All right, so...

Should I type, or do you want to type?

- We can switch off, we--
- We'll switch off.

You wanna trade off,
like, every half hour?

- Fifteen minutes.
- Okay.

Why don't we trade off every ten minutes.

- You should start.
- Okay.

- You know.
- My keyboard's,

like, disgusting at this point.

Excuse me, um, I'm just
going to the restroom.

If a guy comes in, about 5'9"

wearing a purple scarf,

will you tell him that

I'll be right back, please?

Yeah, sure.

You're looking at my eyebrows, aren't you?

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- You're looking at my eyebrows.
- No, I'm not.

- No, no.
- No.

They're obvious.

- Yes, you are.
- I don't know.

They look great.

I got my hair done for this date,

and the lady at the salon convinced me

to darken them to make my eyes pop.

First they turned black,

so she put bleach on them,

then... they turned yellow,

so she put a gloss on them.

Then they turned to mid gray.

Next thing I knew, my eyebrows were gone.

Oh my God.

Be careful what you say yes to.

Wow, I'm telling you,

you don't know what it means to be alone

until you're alone in New York.

I know, right?

All right, we have to do this.

Hey, can I just borrow
your laptop real quick?

I'm just gonna look up
abortion clinics on Yelp.

Okay.

Oh, this one got four and a half stars.

Oh!

She is almost a half hour late.

What if she doesn't even have my laptop?

What if this whole thing was just a con?

Hi.

You waiting for Rita?

Yeah, so are you--

I'm Kiki, her roommate.

Rita's at urgent care.

Oh, is she okay?

Yeah, she'll be all right.

Rita's Rita.

Ah, here's your laptop.

Oh, thank you so much.

You have no idea what this means to me.

No, I don't.

Do you want to buy some coke?

Mm.

We just need index cards.

Cowards.

We bought a lot of stuff from Staples.

We really did.

And yet, we have not
written a single word.

I know.

We've wasted the day.

We've wasted our day.

We don't have anything on the page.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

I'm panicking!

All right, don't panic!

Motivate me!

Okay, think of all the opportunities

we didn't even get the chance to fail at.

Right, this time if we don't get the job,

it's our fault,

and we can't blame the world.

That's a nightmare.

Let's write this packet.

- Suzanne Somers!
- Somers!

That is indeed a packet.

It wasn't as fun as I thought

it was going to be, but--

No, but we did get to eat candy, so.

Should I hit send?

Yeah, hit send.

Ah!

Finished?

Yes, whether or not

we get this job is now in God's hands.

Yes, he mostly concerns himself

with staffing matters.

I am so proud of you, Noodles.

I can't believe how you just

pushed that out all by yourself.

God, you're so strong.

I wish I could've helped.

Thanks, Crackers.

Text me if you don't want duck for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

You think he knows?

I hope not.

Arthur would be a good dad.

A weird dad, but a good dad.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Let's fall asleep watching

The Talk like our forefathers did.

Oh, okay.

Oh my God, Julie, wake up.

What?

Um, it turns out Richard does

come from a performance background.

What do you mean, porn?

So what? I'd do porn if I had a thigh gap.

No, no, no, look at this, please.

Puppetry of the Penis?

Richard was in that?

- Puppetry of the Penis!
- Ah!

Don't you remember, it
started in Australia!

I saw that Real Sex,

there was the guy that was, like,

"I was at the bar doing dick tricks.

There was another bloke

and he was doing dick tricks

and we were like, "Let's team up!"

That was--
that happens in Australia!

You want to watch this?

I want to see what he can do.

Okay, he'll turn his
penis into a tangerine.

You met the curious elephant

and the hairy hyena.

But who here wants to see

a juicy submarine sandwich?

No, no! No! No! No!

We just stayed up all night,

based on a suggestion coming from someone

who's more likely to know
the founder of Burning Man

than have any legitimate connections

in show business.

It must be so stretched out.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Who is it? No.

Hey, Richard?

No.

No, I'm gonna put you on speaker, hold on.

What shape is his penis in right now--

Oh, sorry.

Hi Billy, hi Julie.

So the head writer of Even
Later with Chris Hardwick

loved your packet and he wants to meet

with you this afternoon.

- Whoa!
- Oh my God.

- That's amazing!
- That's amazing!

Thank you so much, we'll
call you right back!

Thank you!

The greatest dick trick
the devil ever played

was getting us that interview.

Oh my God, oh.

He's--
you know what?

He's got a pretty asshole.

Wow.

The Doors!

You can really play.

Yeah, I'm a lefty,

I play a righty guitar
though, like Hendrix?

Just like Jimi Henge.

So, Billy and Julie.

Yes, thank you so much
for meeting with us.

We're really excited to be here.

And, uh, Richard said that
you really liked our packet.

Yes.

So, thank you very much,

that means a lot coming from you.

We worked really hard on it.

To be honest, I didn't read it,

but I'm sure it's awesome.

I mean, network has been up my fuckin' ass

about a diversity hire

ever since Jezebel did another post

about how there's no female
writers in late night.

So do I count as a woman because I'm gay?

All right, so let me level with you guys.

Unless you take a fuckin' shit

right on my desk,

or if you aren't cool, you got this.

What do you mean by cool?

You know, just how it's, like, not safe

to joke about anything anymore, right?

You guys probably deal
with that shit a lot.

We want to make the show
that we want to make.

We don't want to have any regrets.

We don't want to wake up the next morning

and think, "You know what?

We shouldn't have taken

that network note,

we should have said no."

Everyone we bump into
has all these regrets.

I mean, glow in the dark ping pong lady,

scabby brows.

Space camp wheelchair.

What's space camp wheelchair?

Is that in your packet?

Chris'll love that.

Everyone we've spoken
to in the past 24 hours

should have said no when they said yes.

And now it's time for us

to learn from their mistakes?

That's right. And you're gonna be

the first person we say no to.

I mean, can you imagine
working with this guy?

Is this some kind of bit?

And whether or not I'm pregnant,

I am getting an abortion today.

That's right.

I am terminating this opportunity

before it gets any bigger.

All right, cool.

Uh, well, I got a meeting, so.

Oh, you have a meeting?

Oh, where, in 1968,

before feminism was invented?

Do you think you're cool
or like, punk rock,

why, because you DVR Anthony Bourdain?

You're probably one of those guys

that thinks John Lennon
was edgier than Yoko.

Yoko Ono was the best thing

that ever happened at John Lennon.

The Beatles were holding Yoko Ono back.

The only reason I wish Jim Morrison

was still alive today is just to see

how fat he could have gotten.

Oh my God!

Jim Morrison would have had

a field day at a Dairy Queen.

I mean, could you imagine

Jim Morrison around a Blizzard?

Holy shit, the Blizzard King.

All right. The Blizzard King
is fuckin' funny, though.

Uh, Stephanie, will you bring me

that black guy's packet, please?

That was intensely satisfying.

We can say no to things
we don't want to do!

Yeah, and if Richard freaks out

about how we treated Adam,

I will remind him he used
to be a penis puppeteer.

Billy, I need you to leave the bathroom.

- Why?
- Please, right now.

- Okay.
- For lady reasons.

- Okay.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Okay.
- Bye.

All right.

I'm not pregnant!

I love my period!

These pipes are clean!

Okay, congratulations.

Oh, Julie, it's Richard.

Hey.

So, you're not mad at us
for turning down the job?

Nah, that guy's supposed
to be a real asshole.

I just think it's great to have clients

who know what they don't want.

C-- c-- c-- clients?

Whoa!

I just wish when I was your age,

I'd said no to an opportunity

that my mate presented me with.

Um, Richard, I think I know

what performance opportunity

you're talking about.

We've seen the submarine sandwich.

Okay, well, a youthful
indiscretion perhaps,

that lasted, like, a decade.

You're a grown man who put your penis

into the shape of a Koala.

Okay, okay, Even Later is out.

Right.

Well you've already conquered

the world of magazines, I see.

What are you talking about?

These columns are amazing.

What?

Well, your columns in here.

- They're fantastic.
- Mm-hm.

We're columnists?

Yeah, page 484, 485.

"We Should Be Allowed To
Have Cookies For Breakfast"

by Julie Kessler.

Billy, you're in here, too!

Yes, I submitted a column to HuffPo!

I totally forgot!

Me too, holy shit.

I didn't know that they
published it, oh my God.

"Why I Hate Other Gay
Men" by Billy Epstein.

It holds up.

We're in a magazine, yes!

You guys are on fire!

Richard, now that we're
your new favorite clients,

can you please do us a favor

and show us just one dick trick, please!

- Oh no.
- Please, please, please?

- Everybody ready?
- No, Julie!

- Are you ready?
- No, we're in public!

Yes, we're gonna take you

on a safari of the Australian Outback.

Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

Guess what kind of critter this is.

- Oh, um.
- Oh, um...

Um, um, it's a wombat!

It's a wombat!

It's Nicole Kidman!

It's a kangaroo?

It's a kangaroo?

I could beat up a kangaroo!

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