All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E02

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All right!

What...

Who is it?

It’s Jamie Lee Curtis.

Who do you think it is?

Hey.

Billy, thank God. Where have you been?

What do you mean, where have I been?

I-I got a massage and I took a nap.

- When did you get a massage?
- Today.

- Okay, what’s today?
- It’s Tuesday.

- No, Billy, it’s Thursday.
- What?

You’ve been sleeping for three days.

- I slept for three days?
- You slept for three days.

- I slept for three days?
- I was so worried about you!

You’re worried? I’m worried.
I slept for three days!

I’m gonna be one of
those people who dies,

and then no one comes to
find you or check on you,

until neighbors complain
about the smell!

Not to put a point on
it, but I don’t think

the body would start to
smell at three days.

- What?
- That’s... I think it would

- take at least five...
- It just happened!

You’re never gonna be
left alone for that long.

I fell asleep for three days.

No one came till just now!

I got a massage and I took a nap!

Look, I know where this is going.

I think you should move
in with me and Arthur.

- No!
- I’ll shave the dogs.

No! Don’t shave anything.

Ugh, I need a boyfriend.

But you have me and meaningless sex.

I know, but...

you have Arthur for when I’m not around.

I need someone for my
non-Julie hangout time.

Someone to fucking find me
if I sleep for three days!

And wake me up, and if I’m dead,

put me in a cuter outfit if need be.

Okay. I get it.

You want a boyfriend, we’ll
get you a boyfriend.

Thank you.

And I like that I’m not doing it

because I’m emotionally ready.

- Yeah, I like that too.
- All right, let’s... let’s...

- Yeah.
- Go with me to get coffee

and catch me up on
everything that’s happened.

Okay.

"American Comedy Story" got cancelled.

What? But Keegan made
such a good Sinbad.

- I know.
- Oh, fucking crowds!

Is the pope back in town?

She just can’t stay away, can she?

Ugh, you know, I find if
you just shove people,

they never know that it’s intentional.

Let’s go this way. Here.

Barricade. All this construction.

Fucking condos... how many
condos does one city need?

I know, right?

Sometimes I think we
should move somewhere,

like Boston or San Francisco.

Thank you so much

for empowering this young woman today.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Thank you!
- Huh?

We need more escorts like you

who won’t let any crowd get in the way

of reproductive freedom.

Safe and Legal women’s
clinic thanks you.

- Huh?
- Come on in.

We have a whole room full of baked goods

just for volunteers.

I know it’s a little
early for a brownie.

Huh?

Well, as far as swag bags go,

this abortion clinic has the right idea.

This is $45 pomade.

I hope they give these gift
bags to their patients too.

I feel like if you leave a
little something behind,

you should take something home, like...

"Leave a penny, take a penny," you know?

I like doing good, especially
when it’s by accident.

And you know what else: I bet
charity people don’t die alone.

Mr. Nathan Lane!

- Oh, I love him.
- Oh, he’s a star.

It goes without saying.

What charity are you playing for?

Well, I’m playing for

God’s Love We Deliver in New York City!

We should totally
volunteer there sometime.

Oh, we should do that!

Sometime.

Charity’s, like, a really
important part of being famous.

Oh, yeah, I mean, who
needs a movie or TV show

when you have a cause?

This pomade smells like shit.

What if we invented a charity?

Like Dan Savage did with It Gets Better.

I think he invented that
with his hot husband.

Maybe if I invent a charity, I’ll get

a hot husband... maybe his.

That is a brilliant example

because Billy, he has a
fucking TV show now.

And yes, many gay lives
were spared in the process.

I don’t know how many, you know...

- Well, we’d have to ask...
- both: Kevin Spacey.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Our cause should be
sad, but not too sad.

Yeah, like, it needs
to have something fun

people can do with it.

You know, like Ice Bucket
Challenge or something.

That’s it. That is brilliant.

We need to do our version of
the Ice Bucket Challenge.

- We can tag celebrities!
- Yes!

Slam your bare breast
in a refrigerator door.

I’m tagging you, Regina King! Ow!

Scotch tape your wrists
together and pick up

a slice of ham with your teeth.

I nominate you, Barbra Streisand.

Put your foot in a hot
toaster, William H. Macy!

Stand in a bathtub and hit yourself

with a frying pan.

Don’t let us down, Don Henley!

Make out with a garbage can, Tea Leoni.

I am exhausted.

And we still don’t have a
cause or a cute video idea.

But we do have the desire to get famous

and a husband by helping people,

and that’s what it’s all about.

Well, the hokey pokey
is what it’s all about,

but I don’t have time to
get into that right now.

I have a date night with Arthur.

Speaking of charity, I let him
pick the movie once a year.

Honestly, that is so generous.

If I have a fictional husband,

I would never let him pick the movie.

And he’s gonna find me dead one day.

Jesus Christ, Arthur. I
know it’s date night,

I know you’re allowed
to choose the movie,

but this place? Really?

I fucking hate this place.

These stupid armrests are
like the size of breadsticks.

I can’t fit my arms on these things.

- I need space.
- Oh, well, speaking of space...

No, I’m not moving into
that apartment, okay?

I can’t live near Central Park.

I’m too punk rock.

Says the woman who’s seen

Barbara Eden in concert four times.

You never know what you’re
gonna get with her!

It’s more space, it’s dog-friendly,

and rent-controlled.

This apartment becoming
available has been

the only upside to Gwen Ifill suddenly

and mysteriously fleeing the country.

Arthur, I’m at a revival house, okay?

This is the extent of
my sacrifice for you.

Okay, how about this?

You don’t have to do
any moving yourself.

And I’ll let you get a third dog.

Third dog, two cats, and the
animals get the second bedroom.

You’re not allowed to go in there.

The co-op board interview
is this Saturday.

Fine.

Thank you again for this date night.

Ah, I’ve been waiting so long to see

"Lorenzo’s Oil" again on the big screen.

By the way, the answer
to that word jumble

is Ingrid Bergman!

Billy! You’re okay!

Hi. Oh. Okay.

All right, well, hug’s too long, but...

Hey, we thought you quit

when you didn’t show up for three days.

So we hired Lola.

Oh, quit? No, no, no.

I was just in a very deep sleep.

Yeah, like the rest of the country.

Lola. And yeah, I’m trans.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, is it "okay"?

Mr. Biological Essentialist?

Do I have your cis-gendered
permission to be who I am?

And you know what else? Bush did 9/11

and jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.

Well, now seems as good a time as any

to have that conversation.

Yeah, I’m a trans truther, motherfucker.

Denise tells me you’re a comedian.

Got any jokes about me?

No, no, no. No, I do not.

Please don’t protest me. I’m an ally.

I know Jeffrey Tambor’s niece.

Shit, Billy’s still alive?

Oh, fuck. Ah, well.

Don’t bring around a cloud
to rain on my love parade.

- Tell them the news, Denise.
- You tell them.

- No, you.
- Me? Okay.

- Matthew’s engaged!
- I’m engaged!

- Hey!
- I’m engaged!

You’re getting married?
Jesus fucking Christ.

Personally, I share Caitlyn
Jenner’s views on gay marriage.

Like Caitlyn Jenner, I’m gonna die alone

surrounded by old Wheaties boxes.

I can’t take this anymore.
Something’s gotta give.

Oh, like that Nancy Meyers movie.

You know, that is the
only truthful depiction

of the creative process I’ve ever seen?

I mean, who among us has never
cried over a typewriter

in the Hamptons while wearing
summer layered whites?

- Mm.
- I have to do something bold.

I need to take risks.

I’m gonna ask out the next person

that comes through that door.

Well, the next man that
walks through that door.

Well, the next gay man who
comes through that door.

Who’s hot, and, you know, my type.

No.

Nooo.

Holy shit.

It’s fate.

Hey. Uh, sorry.

I never do this. I’m Billy.

Would you want to go out sometime?

Better make that a table for three.

- Oh, shit, I’m sorry.
- No, no, no.

We’re not dating.

I’m his interpreter.

Uh, this is Doug.

He’s deaf.

And he says yes to dinner.

Jesus, Mom. This place is a mess.

I thought we had another good five years

before we became Big and Little Edie.

Well, Esmerelda’s working now

for Aunt Bonnie, that traitorous bitch.

Now I have to find a new housekeeper.

Got to buy a metro card, take the A line

all the way to the end.

That’s how you found Esmerelda?

Yes, I got off at 207th street

and then I grabbed the
friendliest face I could find,

but now with DeBlasio, who knows!

Inwood could be all condos.

I’m sorry about your terrible problem,

but Arthur and I are applying

for a new apartment, and I need I. D.

Do you have my birth
certificate anywhere?

I don’t know, honey. Look
in the coupon folder.

Look at me, with my hand in the toilet,

like some fool.

Oh, my God! That’s it!

It’s visual, it’s humiliating...
it’s perfect.

What is perfect?

I’m gonna take this so that

you know what you’re getting into.

Sorry.

- Hey.
- Billy! I figured it out.

What if we got people to send in videos

of themselves sticking
one hand in the toilet?

Yes. But no gloves.

And their right hand because
it’s the right thing to do.

- I love it.
- Watch out!

The Toilet Hand Challenge

is about to take America by storm.

What did I raise?

I’m so sorry.

I’m like crazy into charity right now.

So is the proper protocol

on a first date with a deaf guy

that I pay for you and your interpreter,

or just...

You’re really funny.

Most hot guys don’t have
a good personality.

Well, I’d say the same
thing about deaf guys,

but you’re my first.

I really like you.

I really like you too.

- Sorry...
- I really like you too.

So, is the best part about being deaf

that you don’t have to hear any
Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett duets?

Whoo! Sorry, um...

I’m going to the bathroom.

You don’t read lips, right?

No, of course not.

That’s just a silly device
they use on TV shows

to make it easier on viewers.

Like a character talking to himself.

- So you got cockblocked?
- Yes.

And who knows what Mickey’s
telling Doug about me.

He could be representing
me as a mediocre wit,

or racist, or someone
who watches "Dr. Who."

Ugh. Okay, meanwhile,

let’s focus on our careers.

What are we gonna do to launch
the Toilet Hand Challenge?

No, I don’t want to do "Kinky Boots."

Oh, look at these beautiful Bassets.

- Hi, there.
- Nathan Lane?

- No fucking way.
- Yes fucking way.

Oh, my God. This is it. This is a sign.

- Nathan, we are such huge fans.
- Crazy huge.

A gay guy and his best
girlfriend are huge fans.

What are the odds?

Um, I have to ask you
something so stupid.

Would you be interested

in participating in a charity stunt

that picks up where the Ice
Bucket Challenge left off?

Oh, boy. Will I get to be on YouTube?

Mama, my dreams are comin’ true!

And where do the profits go?

- The...
- Home... food...

- Gods...
- AIDS...

- Deed...
- Love...

- The God’s delivery service.
- Wait.

God’s Love We Deliver? both: Yes!

Oh, well that’s my charity.
I just dropped off a check.

It’s ours too. We love God.

We love food delivery.

- Great.
- So, Nathan Lane,

will you go with us to a public restroom

and record a video?

For charity? Of course I will.

all: Yeah!

So, uh, what do I say?

- "I’m Nathan Lane"...
- Yeah, I got that part.

And this is for the
Toilet Hand Challenge.

Yeah, and then you stick your
right hand in the toilet.

Because it’s the right thing to do.

And after that, you
challenge five of your

most famous friends
to do the same thing.

And please aim high, okay?

No Paul Reiser, Jesse
Tyler Ferguson bullshit.

Oh, that’s a good point.

You were a lot nicer in the park.

Um... oh, explain to me again:

how does this make money?

both: We told you.

- It’s for God delivery.
- It is for food.

And... action.

Hello. I’m Nathan Lane.

And... actually, cut. Cut.

- Sorry, is there a problem?
- Do you need a line reading?

No, I don’t need a fucking line reading.

This doesn’t make any fucking sense.

I followed two strangers
into a public toilet,

and based on personal history,
that’s never worked out.

Plus, I’m starting to feel sick,
and my hand is going numb.

But... it’s for charity, so...

So maybe you should be less selfish?

- Maybe think about the charity.
- I know.

I’ll send a check. Listen.

You’ll have to excuse me.

My husband is waiting for me at home.

What about the fact that I don’t have

- anyone at home waiting for me?
- Yeah.

I need you to do this so
that I can have someone

at home waiting for me.

- That’s not my problem.
- That was rude.

You shouldn’t have
mentioned your husband.

- Billy doesn’t have a husband.
- That was rude.

You people are not seeming to understand

my point of view... I...

we don’t know each other.
We’re not friends.

It must be crazy that
this isn’t about you.

- Yeah.
- That must be a shock.

That’s probably why you
have a problem with it,

is you’re not the star of the show.

Yeah, put your hand in the toilet!

Listen, I have to go home!

I don’t want to put my
hand in the toilet!

You put your hands in the toilet!

We’re not famous enough!
That’s the whole point!

Stick your hands in the toilet!

I’m not putting my hand in the toilet!

- I’m filming!
- We’re not famous!

- If we were famous, then...
- Ah, fuck you!

What an asshole.

I saw "MouseHunt" in the
theater, you schmuck!

Now Cassie, you say your OCD

was at its worst when your husband left?

It got so bad I nearly scrubbed

the surface off our tub.

Everything needed to be in its place.

So you wouldn’t just clean,

you’d organize?

Yes... I mean, even now,

the slightest bit of disarray
just eats away at me

until I... fix it.

That sounds very painful,
but I have an idea.

Cassie, I think it would
be very beneficial

to see your obsessive-compulsive

cleaning behavior in action.

And this is therapeutic?

Absolutely.

Now, why don’t we move our session

into the kitchen, and why don’t you

give those cabinets a real once-over?

I think you’re gonna feel a lot better.

Huh.

I agreed to go to this
co-op board interview,

but I did not agree to walk through

Central Park to get there.

Oh, pollen count. It’s lovely out.

So what? A walk without dogs is idiotic.

"Ooh, nature." Fuck you.

Okay, let’s go over a few things

we should say and not
say at this interview.

- I could talk about my charity.
- Yes, perfect, good.

And that documentary I
saw about the adult baby

who strangled his lover
with his own diaper?

Oh, damn it. I knew I forgot something.

The lover’s safe word? It was "Ba-ba."

- Anyway, now she’s dead.
- No, the wine.

We should bring something
at the interview.

Well, there’s a bunch of crap.

Why don’t we just re-gift

one of those bouquets or something?

Why is there all this shit around

the "Alice in Wonderland"
statue, anyway?

Uh, this is a shrine. PBS
did a "Frontline" on this.

It’s the 150th anniversary
of "Alice in Wonderland."

Great, we’ll take some of these flowers.

Oh, uh....

Bell sleeve, I don’t think you can...

Listen, this is a shrine
to a fictional character.

This is a waste of flowers,

and we need something
for our co-op board,

and besides, that Tim
Burton movie was stupid.

Helena Bonham Carter’s
lips were way too small.

Lips too small, performance way too big.

This hurts no one.

O... kay.

- Ah!
- Oh, oh!

God, are you okay?

What the hell were you thinking?

You’re under arrest for
destruction of public property.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I can’t believe with
everything I’ve done

in Central Park, you’re the
one that gets arrested.

- What was the worst part?
- When they weighed me.

But the judge was really nice.
He gave me a choice

between community service and jail time.

Mm, must be real nice to be white.

So I chose service. I’m
gonna teach inmates.

I can’t have a prison record

if we’re gonna get that apartment.

- Right.
- And besides,

Arthur pulled all those strings

to get us another interview.

I don’t want to let him down.

In this particular way.

For a second time.

In the same week.

Matthew, Elmer, it’s time to pick food

for your engagement party...

would you look at these two?

Hey, save some for your wedding night,

you crazy kids!

All right, now here you go.

Daddy, we’re going to gum food
for our engagement party.

The first airplane goes "zoom,

zoom"!

Mm!

And now the second airplane!

Z... z-z-z...

Mm! Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Third airplane goes right...

Into the Pentagon?

I don’t think so, bitches.
That was a missile.

And Tower Seven was
brought down by a bomb.

Crack a book, sheeple.

Doug. Sorry for just coming over.

I know that’s a little creepy.

This app says what I write.

And writes what you say.

I’m glad you found me, Billy.

Oh, wow.

This is really cool.

Although it might put
Mickey out of a job.

Speaking of, I’m a little concerned that

Mickey doesn’t always tell you

everything that I say,

and I really want you to like me.

Let’s not talk about Mickey.

Now can I do something
I’ve been wanting to do

since I met you?

Yeah.

Suck my fat cock.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No! No! No.

Choke on it, thirsty boy.

I can’t. I can’t.

What’s funny?

It’s been a really long
time since I’ve heard

a female voice in this
type of situation.

The whole thing’s actually very weird.

So fucking sorry.

I didn’t mean to inconvenience you.

I’m so sorry. Let’s do it again.

We can do it again.

My cock doesn’t
need to go slumming.

Get out of here.

You want me to go?

Did I stutter?

What?

’Cause of your phone?

I have to go ’cause of your phone?

Fine, I’ll go. Fuck it.

Fuck everyone. Fuck your fucking phone.

Fuck Steve Jobs, and fuck
Alexander Graham fucking Bell.

I don’t care.

Okay. The floor is done.

You missed a spot.

Well, you’ll be back Friday.

I’m gonna get you more
refills for the Swiffer too.

Actually, Dr. Kessler,

I think our work here is done.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah.

At first, I was a bit skeptical

of your treatment of my OCD.

It was almost like the
opposite of exposure therapy.

That’s what it is, it’s
anti-exposure therapy.

Well, it worked.

I’m all cleaned-out.

I don’t ever want to touch another broom

or tidy up another pile
of coasters ever again.

I’m cured.

You can’t stop therapy cold turkey.

There’s a 6-8 week cool down period

that’s essential for your well-being.

Thank you for everything, Dr. Kessler.

Well, you’re... you’re
making a big mistake.

A huge, huge... could
you iron my shirts?

Esmerelda.

It’s Marilyn. Hey.

Whatever that fuck twat
Bonnie is paying you,

I’ll pay you more.

Just barely more, but
please come home now.

Aw, I thought I was gonna meet

some hardened criminals
for my community service.

Nope. White collar criminals only.

Oh, well, that explains
why I’ve seen at least

three guys from Goldman
Sachs that my mom

used to try and set me up with.

So, this is our vocational program.

Right, yeah, no, they told me

I was gonna be teaching inmates

how to write TV recaps.

That’s a skill you got? Sure.

But just so you know,

whether or not these are
white collar criminals,

I am gonna sit backwards in a chair

like Michelle Pfeiffer
in "Dangerous Minds."

- Knock yourself out.
- Yes!

Remember, a recap is about
the person who writes it.

An episode of television
isn’t the subject.

You are. Yes?

Can I recap a show that’s cancelled,

like "The Following"?

Yes, but make sure that you stick it

to Kevin Bacon if you do,

because he works too much lately.

It’s not his fault... he
has to take every role

that’s offered him since Bernie
Madoff robbed him, but still.

Bernie’s a real pig.

You should see him at breakfast.

Always takes a second milk.

Fucking prick.

Wait, Bernie Madoff is in this prison?

Yeah, he’s my cellmate.

Can you get me five minutes

with Bernie Madoff near a toilet?

I have to say, I can’t think

of a better couple for the building.

All your background checks are clear.

We just have to wait for
one last board member

to come and give his approval.

He’s a bit under the weather...

Sorry I’m so late.

I was just...

Oh, my God.

It’s you!

- The toilet lady!
- I’m sorry.

She is not to be allowed
in this building!

You’ve heard of plague,

pestilence, locusts?

Well, then there’s this crazy bitch.

By the way, they’re amputating
my hand on Thursday.

Were you a righty or a lefty?

Get out of here!

Everybody, everybody.

Time for a toast.

Marriage. It is a wonderful partnership.

I hope you guys are as happy as we are.

May your love shine as
bright as the sun did

on that fair September
morn when George W. Bush

pulled off the greatest
scam in American history

since the moon landing.

Wait, I want to say something.

Before I met Omer,

I couldn’t stand the taste of foreskin.

- I...
- Okay.

- Cheers.
- Oh!

- Cheers everyone.
- There was more, but okay.

I’m Bernie Madoff, and I’m doing

the Toilet Hand Challenge

for the Kessler-Epstein foundation.

Ah!

He did it! He did it!

This is gonna be so huge.

We have America’s most famous villain

representing our charity.

As soon as we upload
this to the Internet,

you and I are gonna
be so fucking famous,

we’re gonna have to wear baseball hats

just to get iced coffee!

Hey, everyone! Shh!

Shocking news today from
the entertainment world.

Tony and Emmy-award-winning
actor Nathan Lane

has died from complications

related to a rare disease

humans get from touching toilet water.

In other entertainment news,

David Blaine is no longer a celebrity.

- Oh, no.
- No one can see that video.

- No one can see that video.
- No. Never.

Do you understand that if
people find out about this,

we could be indicted for
murdering Nathan Lane?

I can’t go back to prison again!

Although, now that I think
about it, on the bright side,

maybe Bernie Madoff will die
of Nathan Lane disease.

Oh, they won’t even name
the disease after us?

Aw!

- Hi, Billy.
- Hi.

- Brought you these flowers.
- Ooh, pretty deaf guy

buys flowers at a store
instead of stealing them, oh!

I’m not gonna interpret that for him.

Fair enough.

We wanted to say "Thank you."

After you told me what Mickey did,

we talked about it, and decided that

we can’t really deny our
feelings for each other.

So thank you, and love wins.

Sorry.

- Life is bullshit.
- I know.

My apartment’s as small as ever.

You’re still single.

And we killed Nathan Lane.

Fucking charity!

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