All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E01

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So this is what a gym looks like.

Yes, and this is right
near my apartment.

Can you believe it? Honestly,
if instead of showers,

they had the Hemsworth
brothers just spitting at you

and calling you a dirty whore,
it’d be too good to be true.

How many gyms have you
belonged to at this point?

I’ve lost count. You know,
I get a membership,

and then I hook up with a
guy in the steam room,

and then we hang out, and then
I realize that he’s lame,

and I ghost him, and it’s too
awkward to ever go back.

Those loser guys are keeping
you from your optimal health.

Well, some might say it’s my penchant

for anonymous sex that is to blame.

I just worry that my slutty
phase has gone on so long

that I literally don’t know how to date.

- Mm.
- Do you think Anne Hathaway

has this same conversation?

You know, I have a theory that
she was born without a clitoris.

Mm. That explains "The Intern."

- Julie? Hi!
- Ooh, hey, hi, Heather.

Isn’t this gym awesome?

Um, Billy, do you remember Heather?

- She’s another recapper.
- Oh, okay.

Not anymore. Guess who just got hired

onto the writing staff of "Horse."

Oh, "Horse." Is that that Netflix show

about the single mom who sells heroin...

To support her trans-child’s
horseback riding hobby?

- Well...
- Yeah.

Winner Best Comedy two years in a row.

When did comedies become
30-minute dramas?

- It’s such important work.
- Mm.

I can’t tell you how good
it feels to write TV

instead of just recapping it.

And yet you just sort of did.

How’d you get the job?

Oh, I met the creator, Lilith
Feigenbaum, at synagogue,

and she invited me to join
this group she belongs to,

and the rest is herstory.

- Well, take care.
- Thanks. Bye.

Oh, and your "OC Reunion" recap
was such goofy fun! Bye!

Jesus Christ, I’m having feelings.

- I want my sundae back.
- Sorry, ma’am, I threw it out.

What is this, a concentration camp?

Do you at least have
any vending machines

or some complimentary popcorn?

Just a vegan smoothie bar.

Bloom is off the rose on this dump.

I don’t understand.

What does Heather have that you don’t?

A connection to Lilith Feigenbaum.

Of course they met at synagogue.

You know that that group she’s
talking about is Refutz.

Refutz. They act like it’s a secret.

Meanwhile everyone knows what it is.

And they have their
schmoozey Shabbat dinners,

and they all get each
other entertainment jobs.

And it’s stupid because no
one’s ever asked me to join.

Well, we have to get you invited, then.

Go to synagogue. Pray or whatever.

Using God and religion
to get a staffing job?

I mean, can I really sink that low?

All right, look, I’m gonna go work out.

Tell me not to blow this gym
by blowing any members.

You can do it.

Tell me me not to eat my
weight in Charleston Chews.

You can do it.

Oh, fuck.

Ohh, fuck.

Oh.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- We meet again.
- I’m Billy.

- And my name’s Cecil.
- That was fun.

You know, I’d love to, uh,

go for another spin sometime if...

Yeah, sure. Maybe.

Why don’t I we get dressed
and we’ll meet outside or...

- Okay.
- All right.

- All right.
- Very good.

All right.

Ah.

Ah.

Oh. Much different with clothes.

Ah, well. Sorry for the wait, chum.

- Bup-bup-bup-bum.
- Oh.

You’re an old-timey.

I read about you guys in
the Sunday Styles section.

Guilty as charged.

May I interest you in a
confection, good sir?

Oh, wow, you really commit to this.

Yeah.

Um...

Shit. What are we doing?

Do you owe a sum? Are you a debtor?

No, no, no, it’s just,
there’s a guy I used

to work out with at my old
gym, and now I can’t....

- Can’t what?
- I can’t do what I always do.

Um... God, this gym is too nice
not for me to give this a try.

Do you want to go to
dinner tomorrow night?

I do... very much!

Great.

Till then, then.

Till then, then.

Be well, Billy.

Up, up, and away.

And... we’re off!

Oh, great, I just fucked
Steamboat Willie.

Medium-talent Jewish bitch.

Thin Mint, stop yelling at
yourself in the mirror.

- It confuses the dogs.
- It’s not me.

It’s this girl Heather I work with.

She got to quit recapping
to go write for "Horse."

"Horse"? It’s a very important show.

Whatever. So now she writes for "Horse,"

and where does that leave me?
Lonely single recapper?

Uh, noodles, couple of flags raised...

You know what I mean. I
just want to be doing more.

I’m tired of watching
everybody around me

ascend to stardom while
I atrophy and wither.

Are any of us really doing
what we want, Vitamix?

I mean, just today, the
Helena Rubenstein Foundation

got up my can about
creating a sexy spin-off

of "Antiques Roadshow."
That’s disgusting.

Every antique dealer is a creep.

They always have that one
back room full of racist

- paraphernalia and Nazi shit.
- Really?

With just the right nod and wink,

those heirloom swappers
will be showing you

swastika cufflinks on a mammy doll.

Well, we are casting a wide net

to find sexy antique dealers,

but we might just have to
end up hiring more trolls

to appraise sexy heirlooms.

Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.

You’re trying to cheer me
up with your little story.

Actually thought I was
sharing a real issue

that I’m trying to work
through, but that’s fine.

But it’s not working.

Lilith Feigenbaum should have met me.

I would have been the
perfect Refutz candidate.

Nobody’s more Jewish than I am, Arthur.

- I mean, culturally.
- I’ll drink to that.

I’m even making a Shiva Call tonight

with my mom, who guilted me into it.

Who passed away?

Oh, her tennis partner,
Eileen Rosenstreitch.

She dropped dead on the court.

- Were they close?
- They were, like, 4-4.

My mom swears they were about to win.

She’s fucking furious.

Mom, hi.

- I’m so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.

Although, technically it was a tie.

We came so close to beating
those fucking Sokol twins.

They’re like the Williams sisters

of the Sycamore Country Club,

except, you know, allowed to join.

Oh, Julie, you know what
the saddest part was?

Watching your friend die?

Eileen didn’t have a will.

The estate lawyer had to
donate everything to charity.

I’m sorry, did I miss something?
Why is that sad?

It was a pro-Palestinian charity.

Eileen’s opal brooch is probably

now on the suit lapel of some Arafat.

I need a will, or this could
wind up happening to me.

- So write a will.
- I don’t have a lawyer.

Ever since Star Jones
stopped coming to me

for her food addiction.

Mom, you have to stop telling
me who your patients are.

You sound just like Catherine Zeta-Jones

when I tried to help her
with her bipolar two.

Ah, yes, bipolar two, the squeakuel.

I was thinking maybe I
should buy a camera.

You know that video will thing.

That’s a thing, isn’t it?

It was in "Brewster’s Millions."

I mean, I don’t know if they
still do it, but seems...

Hello, Marilyn.

Very kind of you to pay respects.

Indeed. Indeed. Thank you.

That was a beautiful eulogy, Rabbi.

This is my daughter, Julie.

- Julie, hello.
- Hi.

Wow, eulogies, like the
ultimate recap, huh?

Hey, Rabbi, have you heard
of this group called Refutz?

Of course. I have some Refutz
people in my congregation.

They always come on Friday
nights, but I’m not a fan.

It’s less of a spiritual group
than it is for high-powered Jews

in show business to network.

Wow, that sounds really
cynical and awful.

Mm.

So Friday nights, then?

I don’t see a single person from Refutz.

I swear to God, if I go to synagogue

and I don’t make a show
business connection,

I’m gonna fucking kill
myself with a chain saw.

Oh, please, then you’d
have to go to Home Depot.

Look, I have to go to my date soon.

- Who is this guy?
- Cecil.

Although I vowed to remain
as celibate as Tim Gunn,

I ended up meeting this guy
in the steam room at the gym,

and then we ended up
having a very lovely time

doing some very filthy
things to each other.

When Republicans are right
about the things gay men do,

my heart swells.

But, Julie, he’s an old-timey.

What?

That’s the worst of all Brooklyn trends.

And that’s a very high bar.

So now I have to add
him to a list of guys

that I’ve hit and quit

and somehow try to find

the last remaining gym in New York City

I haven’t ruined for
myself, which is probably

the Curves on Staten Island.

What if you break up
with him gracefully?

Maybe you could be friends later.

♪ Shabbat Shalom, hey ♪

♪ Shabbat Shalom, hey ♪

- I’m out.
- Good luck breaking up.

Thank you. I’ll need it.

Julie, I didn’t know you went to shul.

I’m not too cool for shul.

How’s recapping?

Oh, you know. Same old, same old.

You watch something. You
write something about it.

25 weeks later, you get a check for $6.

Oh, meet my friends. This is Lilith.

Lilith Feigenbaum!

You are one of my favorite
top ten female showrunners.

And since there’s only three of you,

- you’re basically my top six.
- Thank you.

- Anyway, Shabbat Shalom.
- Shabbat Shalom.

You know, I’m just sitting
here thinking about,

you know, where I’m gonna
go for Shabbat dinner

after this because, um...

my mom’s best friend died... both: Aw.

In front of her. Yeah.

So I can’t go there.

Anyway, it’s great meeting you.

Great seeing you.

Wait, Lilith can Julie join us?

Why not? I’m only a 20 minute walk away.

A 20 minute what now with who’s this?

Say, Billy, why don’t you
come in for a nightcap?

Oh, you know what, Cecil?

Uh, here’s the thing,
and this is not easy

for me to say, so I
prepared a little speech.

Good evening, Mr. Jellford.

- May I take your coat?
- Hotchkiss, please,

- my guest has something to say.
- Certainly.

I’ll just put the Veuve
on ice and run your bath.

Good man. Good man.

I’m sorry, one thing we never covered,

what do you do for a living?

Well, I fancy acquiring and selling

little knick knacks from yesteryear,

but the majority of my money

does come from the family business.

- Which is?
- Uh, Jellford?

Jellford Jelly Beans?

They’re small, bean shaped candies

- with a sweet taste...
- I know what jelly beans are.

Well, did you know it’s a
billion dollar industry?

Sugar is recession-proof.
Just ask my two story closet.

Oh, really?

Now, you had a rehearsed
speech of some kind to give?

I was just gonna say, I think it’s sexy

that you dress like someone
who could can still

get the Measles.

Way before Jenny McCarthy was even born!

How’re you feeling, Julie?

Have you cooled off a bit
since we got inside?

Yes, thank you.

I just... remind me why we walk again?

It’s part of our Unplugged tradition

that we love to do every
Shabbat at Refutz.

Refutz? What’s that?

I’m intrigued!

Well, from Friday at sundown

to Saturday at sundown,

we put our cell phones away,

we turn off our TVs,

we walk instead of drive.

And, I have to tell you, it has made me

a much better writer.

How does unplugging make
you a better writer?

We just like to interact
with people face-to-face.

Listen, why don’t you give it 24 hours?

- What have you got to lose?
- Well, I got to say,

usually this would be
something I make fun of,

like Robin Wright’s sleepwear line,

or the notion of having a core, but...

why not? I’ll try it.

And on Saturday we get back
together and have another meal

where we discuss all the ideas
we’ve been thinking about

while we were offline. Who
wants to host this week?

Oh, oh, let me! My
boyfriend’s a great cook.

You have a boyfriend?

I don’t understand, though.

Who turns the lights on and off?

Who turns on the television?

Arthur. He’s my Shabbos Goy!

I certainly am, kiddush cup.

You remember that from Hebrew School?

The ultimate loophole.

If you need something
plugged in on Shabbos,

as long as the person isn’t
Jewish, you’re home free.

So he just does anything you ask?

Sure, watch. Arthur, check my Twitter.

Oh, this’ll be fun.

Oh, noodles, the Wi-Fi’s
still not working.

Just hop on the neighbor’s.
I use it all the time.

There’s no password. It’s, um...

“HitlerHadSomeGoodldeas."
All one word, lowercase.

Stealing a Neo-Nazi’s
Wi-Fi is the ultimate way

to stick it to Hitler!

Ah, speed round, someone
on Twitter says,

"I had a theory you were
born without a clitoris.

"Eat a bag of"... Well, it
doesn’t matter what he said.

Tell you what, since I’m
in charge of the Internet,

why don’t I filter out any of the toxins

that might adversely affect your mood.

- Great.
- Wow. This is the best.

He does all that, you just sit
here quietly on the couch,

- nursing your creative genius.
- I know, right?

Arthur, Google my name only
read me glowing praise.

Scrolling, scrolling.

“Congratulations.

"You are now the owner
of the Fonda 5000,

"the exclusive camera used
by the Netflix series,

"’Grace & Frankie.’

"Sony, in collaboration with Chevrolet,

"have partnered to give a
woman the best gift of all:

"her youngest self.

Step one: preparing the lenses."

Okay.

- Hi, I’m Tina Fey.
- And?

Uh, I’m Tina Fey, writer and actor.

"SNL," "30 Rock,"

"Mean Girls,"... What do you want, dear?

Well, I know you said no to
the six production assistants

that I sent to ask, but
I’m directing an episode

of "The Blacklist," which
is a dream come true,

of my agent’s and so I
really need James Spader

to cry on the steps of your brownstone.

Okay, I have no idea
what any of that means,

but did you say you direct?

Yeah, actually I didn’t
realize that I was a director

until this opportunity
came up, ’cause, you know,

- back in Chicago...
- Bap bap bap bap.

A simple "yes" would
have done the trick.

Director.

Do me a small favor, Trina?

- Tina.
- Tina. Tina. Tina.

The human name, Tina. Yes.

I wonder if you can do
me a small favor, Tina,

I wonder if you can help
me shoot my video will.

Oh, I’m sorry, we have
a really full day.

You know, James Spader
wears a 75 piece suit

and I have to approve every piece.

So, I can’t help. Isn’t that something?

So, you want to use my
steps, but you don’t want

to help a woman who, as spry and
self-lubricating as she is,

needs to videotape her
will so she can drop dead

at any moment?

Wait, is that a Fonda 5000?

Yes, why? Do you know it?

Uh, yeah, of course I know it.

I’m kind of a gearhead. Wow,
any chance you’d let me

- fool around with it?
- Absolutely.

Can I get you coffee? Or day wine?

- Day wine!
- both: Yes!

I hate this dress, it’s so itchy.

Lightbulb, I thought you
were allergic to wool?

It’s Eileen Fisher,
it’s just for one day,

all those people wear stuff like this.

It’ll be fine.

I appreciate you coming with
me to the grocery store.

I can’t believe I forgot Gefilte Fish?

I’m such a fucking asshole.

- Facebook refresh.
- Okay...

Oh, 27 new comments on
your profile photo.

Excuse me.

Is your internet in this building slow

as is mine slow?

Nope, ours runs as smoothly
as the trains in Europe

in the thirties. I see.

Enjoy your Sabbath holiday.

Don’t care for him.

Did you see that Hasidic man before?

- Yes, it’s so hot.
- What a curiosity.

Simply fantastic. Right in here.

♪ Pretty woman,
walkin’ down the street ♪

Get the sleeve, Bastian. Too long.
Make it too long.

At least an 1 1/4 inch.
Enjoying your shine?

♪ Pretty woman, the
kind I’d like to meet ♪

- I am, thank you.
- You’re very, very welcome.

♪ Pretty woman, I
don’t believe you ♪

- Pow.

♪ No one could
look as good as you ♪

- No.
- Yes.

Mannequin Leg, come join us.
We’re ready to eat.

Yeah, let’s share some
of the ideas we come up

with when we were unplugged.

Where do I start? I have so many.

This Unplugging thing really works.

Okay, listen to some of these.

"Glee," but with dogs.

A "Botched" spinoff where Dr.
Terry Dubrow’s

leather jacket becomes
sentient and solves crimes.

"American Horror Story:

We Promise We Thought
It Through This Time."

Provincetown,"

and there’s, like, a lot of piss play.

A workplace comedy about
lesbian bed death.

And something with Annette Bening.

Oh, funnel, text from Billy.

He says good luck with the Refutzers,

and he has to go to a horrible party

with Cecil and his old timey friends.

Now there is a show.

My best friend is dating
this old-timey guy.

Runs around on a pogo stick

and his family invented jelly beans.

You comedy people kill me.

Your ideas aren’t grounded.

That sounds like it’s
a sketch, not a show.

No, Cecil’s a real human person.

I mean, I’d show you a
picture of his dick

from my cell phone. Billy forwards them.

It’s good to have a library.

Well, that wouldn’t prove anything.

How about after dinner we go meet Cecil?

- Sounds like a plan!
- All right.

- L’chaim.
- all: L’chaim.

To my daughter, Julie, I
leave you my wedding dress.

- Cut.
- What?

As I once said to Wes Anderson,

"I love what you’re
doing, but I feel like

I’ve seen it before."

Actually, I said that to
a photo of Wes Anderson

that I keep in a little,
heart-shaped locket.

God, Tina, stop talking.

I don’t know what you mean.
Just direct me more.

Okay. Why are you leaving

your daughter a wedding dress?

Because she’ll never
marry that alcoholic

she lives with and she’ll
never fit into the dress.

Yes! Keep going! I like this.

Okay, now we’re writing from truth.

We’re like those copywriters
who came up with

the ad campaign for Dove
soap that cured sexism.

Tell me Marilyn, why...

are you making this will?

Because I don’t want my stuff

to go to a charity I don’t like.

Spite? Okay. Well, then, here’s a pitch:

What if we don’t think of these things

that you’re giving away as “items?"

What if we think of them as “spite-ems.”

Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

I like you. What is your name again?

Tina Fey.

I literally have never heard of you.

Billy, my boy, how’s your hard tack?

I’m doing the best I can with it.

Top shelf. Now, could I familiarize you

with some of my circle of chums?

- Mm-hmm.
- That ye there is Smitty.

He has a large collection
of wooden roller skates.

Orville here plays ukulele.

He also mixed his own lead paint.

- Oh, dear.
- And Jeffy...

you’re gonna love this very much.

Jeffy will always wear two hats at once.

Oh, here’s a toe-tapper you might know.

It’s called "May I Sleep In
Your Barn Tonight, Mister?"

Oh, Jesus.

Cecil, I need to talk to you.

Sure, anything, gent.

Uh, here’s the thing.

You’re a great guy,
and I’m doing my best

to try and start dating like an...

Fuck!

Give me one second. What?

Billy, it’s Julie by way of Arthur.

Tell him to stay at the party.

Don’t leave the party, we’re coming.

Wait, wait! No, no! I’m
currently breaking up

- with Cecil gracefully.
- You are?

I just think that maybe we don’t have

a lot in common, you know?

Maybe if we take things more slowly.

Yeah, I mean, I would do that.

No, no, wait. I always do this

and then I say, we’ll
take things more slowly

and then I don’t really want to

and then I have to avoid you at the gym

and then I have to join another gym.

But not this time.

Not this gym.

There’s three kinds of water.

There’s... There’s plain
and lemon and cucu...

Cucumber.

You’re great. You’re
like the cat’s pajamas,

but I think I have to 23 Skidoo.

You’re a class act, Epstein.

All the way, but, please, stay
for the party, would you?

The punchbowl has heroin in it.

- And we’re cool?
- Oh, as a Julep.

Okay, cut. Wow.

First of all, I love directing!

And directing loves you. You’re so good.

Second of all, Marilyn,
resentment is bursting

out of your pores. Which, by the way,

are invisible, because holy shit,

this camera is not fucking around!

Thank you, sweetheart! Are we done?

Actually, there’s just one other thing

I kind of wanted to throw at you

before we close out the day.
Anything. I’m clay.

What if... this wasn’t a will at all?

Stay with me.

What if you give away
your “spite-ems” now,

while you’re alive, to see the reactions

of the people you want to hurt?

That is brilliant!

You’re not going anywhere until I sign

that location release for your show.

Didn’t you want someone
I’ve never heard of

to cry on my front steps?

- More than anything, Marilyn.
- Call me mom.

No, you call me mom.

Oh, my God, Julie. You were right.

This definitely could be a show.

I know, right? I told you.

Okay, Monday morning

you and I are gonna go pitch to Netflix,

- and I’m gonna change your life.
- Oh, my God, are you serious?

- Julie, I broke up with Cecil.
- Hey.

- I did it gracefully.
- Oh, I’m proud of you.

I am officially an ex-trophy wife.

I’m like Camille Grammer without IBS.

Is that our neighbor over there?

Where? Oh, yeah. What’s he doing here?

What’s wrong, timestamp?

You’ve been doing that all night.

Oh, it’s this Eileen Fisher dress.

I’m allergic to the wool

and it’s doing nothing for my waist.

Sorry, Cecil, could you tell me

- where the bathroom is?
- Uh, which one?

’Cause I have 17 bathrooms.
You know why?

It’s ’cause my parents
invented jelly beans.

Fuck you.

We’re gonna have to make his character

more likeable on the show.

No, really, Julie, you
have to see this place.

- It’s ridiculous.
- Oh, yes, want to take a tour?

Cecil, do you mind?

I-I don’t mind.

Uh... foll... follow me.

Follow me.

What the fuck?

I knew all you antique
dealers were sick creeps!

Noodles, just like you said.

Well, hold on now, you gave me the wink.

- I have allergies.
- Ohh.

And you, "Hitler Had Some Good Ideas."

How do you know my Wi-Fi network?

We were stealing it, Goebbels.

That is unethical!

Well, everyone,

color my face egg color,

there’s been a misunderstanding.

Kathy Griffin, love your work.

Billy, I hope to see you
at the gym sometime soon.

Uh, actually no.

And also fuck breaking up gracefully

and fuck you, you tincture making,

derby hat-wearing, jellybean inventing,

penny, steam room-blowing,

Nazi stuff selling piece of shit.

Billy, that was beautiful.

I’ve never high-fived in
my life, but I feel like

I should at least make
an effort for that.

I high-fived once and it was ironic.

Let’s do this.

Shot.

And texted

to entire Refutz group.

I’m gonna make sure you
never write for television.

Recapper trash.

Not our most graceful goodbye.

You know what I learned from
this Unplugging experiment?

That the Curves in
Staten Island does not

have a men’s locker room?

That, and I need to
take a 24 hour period

each week to un-face.

I interact with too many
actual people as it is.

I need a day where I’m
just around screens.

Yeah, fuck the real world.

Screens never hurt anybody.

Screens make our lives better.

Hooray for screens!

Fuck you!

Everybody is gay
according to "TMZ."

Oh, that’s good.

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