All language subtitles for The.Adventures.of.Ozzie.and.Harriet.S11E22.Publicity.For.The.Fraternity.1080p.WEB-DL.AMZN.H.264.DDP.2.0_track3_[eng]

- "The Adventures of Ozzie
and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

And here's Ricky.

Here they are, America's
favorite family, the Nelsons.

Tonight's "Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet"

is brought to you by the
American Dairy Association

representing the dairy
farmers in your area.

- Remember, drink three glasses
of fresh whole milk every day.

- Hey, does that biggie
you look for me to you?

- Well, offhand, I'd say that's
either Wally or somebody has

stolen a basketball.

- Oh, ain't that sweet?

- He is alive, isn't he?

- Either that, or it's a
mystery of the snoring corpse.

[snoring]

- What's the big idea?

- We're just trying
to do you a favor.

You want to sleep
through English class?

- You mean I haven't yet?

- How come you're
so tired anyway?

You just got up a
couple of hours ago.

- Oh, I'm still tired from
the dance Friday night.

- You only danced
a couple of dances.

- Well, practically
nobody showed up.

I couldn't let all those
refreshments go to waste.

- You see anything about
the dance in the paper?

- I didn't see anything.
- Are you sure?

They usually
mention it at least.

- Well, maybe it's just as well.

It's kind of a flop anyway.

- Oh hey, Eddie.

Oh, hi, you guys.
- Hi.

How come you didn't
come to our dance?

- What dance?
- What dance?

Well, the dance we
gave Friday night.

Boy, how about that?

You throw a big party and
these guys don't even show up.

- Well, we didn't hear about it.

If we had, we would
have been there.

You know us, biggest
moochers on campus.

Present company
accepted of course.

- We had posters stuck
up all over the place.

- And no, we didn't get 'em up.

- Gee, I'm sorry.
We missed it.

Let us in the next ones
coming up, will you?

- Yeah, OK.

- OK, we'll see you.

- Well, those guys
really must be slipping

not to hear about our dance.

- Well, judging by the turnout,
I guess everybody was slipping.

- What's happening to
our house lately anyway?

- Yeah, we have a
dance, nobody shows up.

We have open house, nobody shows
up... except the mothers club.

- Well, we used to give the
best parties on the campus.

Maybe we're the ones
who've been slipping.

- Yeah, when I first
joined this fraternity,

it was the best
house on the row,

and it's gone
downhill ever since.

Now, wait a minute.

Don't jump to any conclusions.

- Maybe we can call
a special meeting

and talk this thing over, see if
we can't find out what's wrong.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Well, if anybody will show up.

- We could have it
during dinner tonight.

- No, you better not.

I think they're still serving
those chopped olive sandwiches

left over from the dance.

- All right.
Let's get the meeting started.

Hey, come back here, George.
We're having a meeting.

- What for?
- To discuss the dance.

- What dance?

- That's just what we're
having a meeting for.

Come on, Fred.

- What do you mean,
"Come on, Fred"?

We've been waiting for you.
- Me?

- Yeah, come on, Wally.
Let's go.

Is everybody here?

- Yeah, let's go.

- OK, you guys.

Meeting will come to order.

- What's this
meeting about anyway?

According to the bylaws,
you can't raise the dues

without a 2/3 majority.

And you'll never get it.

- This is a little more
important than the dues.

After the miserable turnout
we had for our dance Friday

night, it's pretty obvious
that this house is on its way

downhill.

We used to be the best
fraternity on the campus.

- He's right.

We had half the football team,
most of the school officers,

plenty of honor students,
and a date list a mile long.

Why, when we held a dance, we
used to check them at the door

and turn away the
ones we didn't want.

- No kiddin'?
When was that?

- Well, I'm not sure.

But that's what they
told me when I pledged.

- When was that, 12 years ago?

- Look, fellas, the
point is we just

got to put on some
sort of campaign

to let the people know
we're still alive.

- Yeah, they don't even mention
our dances in the school paper.

- Well, I thought I
saw it here someplace.

Yeah, here it is.

"Fraternity Dance Big Smash, one
of the big events of the week

was the homecoming dance
held at the Beta house."

- Beta house!

- Oh, I guess that's
the Beta house.

- Well, what about our dance?

- We're not mentioned here.

- All the other fraternities
seem to be in here.

- Yeah, they're in here
for baseball games,

barbecues, picnics.

- Here's a big story about the
Phi Delts getting a new cook.

- Who cares about that?

- Oh, maybe I do.

Where's their house located?

- They've even got an article
here on the Archaeological

Society having a field
trip this coming week.

- No kiddin'

- Hey, why don't we
all get dates and go?

- Well, it sounds
like it might be fun.

- Well, is anybody
got any suggestions?

- Yeah, I suggest we
adjourn the meeting.

- Wait a second, you guys.

You don't seem to realize
we've got a problem here.

We do as many things as the
rest of the houses on the campus

but nobody ever hears about it.
- Rick's right.

What we need is some
fast-talking, high-powered

baloney artist that'll
get our name in the paper,

get us some publicity.
- I'll drink to that.

- Yeah!

- On second thought, maybe
we need a smooth-talking,

sincere type publicity agent.

I nominate Rick Nelson.
- Yeah.

- Well, thanks a
lot, Wally, but I

think you're much better
suited for the job.

- Oh.

Well, thank you, Rick, but
you have that certain drive

and enthusiasm.

- Personally, I'd
vote for them both.

- All those in favor say aye.
- Aye!

- All those in
favor of adjourning.

- Aye!

- Well, that'll teach
us to call a meeting.

- How are you doing there, Rick?

- Oh, not too good.

- Is that the same
piece of paper

you had in the typewriter
about 20 minutes ago?

- Oh, no.

I've had some great
ideas since then.

What did you do with
them or shouldn't I ask?

- Help yourself.

They're in the wastebasket.

- Maybe you're trying too hard.

Why don't you just take
some simple thing that's

happened around the
fraternity house,

write it up, and take
it over to the paper.

- Well, that's easy to say.

But to tell you
the truth, I guess

we just haven't done
anything to write about.

- Well, there must be something
that's happened over--

What do you guys talk
about over there?

- A couple of the guys
are about to flunk out.

And one of our members ran
for Class Secretary and lost.

And George Bolin, one
of our science majors,

found a couple of Indian
arrowheads last week.

That makes about 200
he's found so far.

- I see what you mean.

- I think I'll knock
it off for a while

and get something to eat.

- Want some milk or something?

- Yeah, I think there's
some cookies out there, too.

- I got to think of
something before midnight

or we'll miss
tomorrow's edition.

- I thought Wally was supposed
to give you a hand with this.

- Well, he was.

He was supposed to have
been here an hour ago.

- Well, there's an item for you.

"Fraternity brother missing."

- He's not missing.

He's probably out feeding
his face somewhere.

- Now, just a second.
I resent that.

I don't deny it.

But I resent it.

- How long have you been here?

- Oh, about a half hour.

I would have come in except
your mother was gracious enough

to offer me a roast
beef sandwich.

And I just couldn't refuse.
- Roast beef?

- Well, then there was
some beef stew left over,

and now, I'm just finishing off
the meal with a little dessert.

- What's the matter?

- Here I am in the
den knocking myself

out trying to figure out
something to put in the paper,

and you're in here
stuffing yourself.

- Well, now wait a minute.

Don't get excited.

I was sitting here
creating a news item.

"Fraternity brother conducts
the interesting gastronomical

experiment."
How's that?

- Well, it shouldn't be too
hard to think of something

to put in the paper.

After all, you fellas
must have done something

interesting this week.

- We've been all
through that, Mom.

I'm afraid there's nothing.
- Wait a minute.

We had a mad scientist
locked in our basement.

- When was that?
- Last week.

One of the chemistry
majors accidentally

locked himself in down
there and boy was he mad.

- Come on, Wally,
this is serious.

- Why don't you guys make
up some sort of a stunt

to get publicity for yourselves?
- Like what, Pop?

- Well, I remember when I was
in school a couple of guys

ate some goldfish and got
their names in the paper.

- Please, Mr. Nelson.

Not while I'm eating.

- All those things have
been done so many times.

You know, like guys cramming
themselves into phone booths,

or pushing beds down a highway.

- Or we could start
a tiddlywinks team,

or challenge some
guys to a camel race.

Those things always
land in the paper.

- Yeah, but they've
been done so much.

It's like congressmen
frying eggs

on the steps of the Capitol.

- Well, you could always find
a swimming pool someplace

and jump in with
your clothes on.

- Of course, that's one that's
been done quite a bit lately.

- No water in the pool?

- Just think about it.

- How about a pancake eating
contest or an ice cream eating

contest?

Which reminds me, Mr. Nelson,
you don't happen to have a--

- Coming right up.
- Thank you.

- We may have an
interesting item here yet.

"College student
explodes in kitchen."

- Hey, look who's here?

The publicity boys.

- Well, well, when
do we hit the covers

of all the big magazines?

- Well, as soon as you do
something we can write about.

- That's what you guys are for.

- Yeah, come up with something.
- Oh, we've been doing our best.

- Anything for you, fellas?

- I think I'll
have a malt, Jack.

- Oh, me, too.

And a hamburger
with lots of onions.

- OK.
- You must be kidding.

- No.

This cool night air gives
me quite an appetite.

Well, let's get
down to business.

What'd you do today, Ken?

- Well, let me think...

Never mind.

Don't break training
just for us.

- I hate to suggest
it but we may

have to fall back on one
of those old standard gags.

- You mean like cramming a bunch
of guys into a phone booth?

- Well, yeah.
Something like that.

- That's been done too much.
- Well, so what?

Every time somebody breaks the
record it gets in the papers.

And that's what
we want, isn't it?

- I suppose so.

- Well, there's a phone booth.

- Hey, yeah.

I wouldn't mind crowding
in there right now.

- Come on.
Let's try it anyway.

- What for?
There's not enough guys here.

- Well, we can get an
idea of how many we need

and call them up.

- I'm not sure this
is such a good idea.

- Why not?
We may break the record.

Hey, what is the record?
- Oh, I don't know.

15 or 20.
- Must be kidding.

In there?
- Yeah, come on.

- We probably couldn't even
get six of us in there.

- All it takes is
a little planning.

- OK, here's one.

- One?

You've got to count as three.

- All right.

Four?

- Hey, let me in there.

- I don't think we're
doing this right.

Come on.
- Hey, what's going on?

- We're trying to see how
many guys we got in here?

- Not in my phone booth.

- Relax, will you, Jack?

We're going to make you famous.

- Well, take it easy.

- Ow, you're on my foot!

Move back!

[interposing voices]

- Not breathing.

- Hey, don't close the door.

[interposing voices]

- Oh, come on.
We're doing this all wrong.

Let's get out of here.

- The door won't open.

- Hey, watch your feet.

- Watch your elbow.

- Hey, relax, you guys.

I just remembered I've
got claustrophobia.

- Hey, guys, get out of there.
You're hamburgers ready, Wally.

- Oh, good.
Pass it in.

- Oh, never mind the hamburger.

If he eats anything else,
we'll never get out of here.

- Well, anyway.

It's ready.

- Hey, who's in my pocket?

- Sorry, I'm just
looking for a dime.

- Hey, watch your elbow.

- - Dial the operator, will you?

- I can't reach it.
- Give it to me.

Let me try it.

- Hello, operator?

Would you get me the
fire department, please?

- I don't see anything in here.

- Me, either.

- Imagine that,
the fire department

has to pry us out
of a phone booth,

it doesn't even make the paper.

- Somehow, I don't think
that's the kind of publicity

we needed anyway.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.

Besides, we didn't even come
close to breaking the record.

- We came closer to
breaking the phone booth.

- Good morning, gentlemen.

- Good morning, professor.

- You're going on a field trip
with us tomorrow, Mr. Bollin?

- Yes, sir.
I'm counting on it.

- Good.

I look forward to
seeing you then.

Say, were any of you men down
at the malt shop last night

by any chance?

- Last night?

- Yeah, I understand it was
quite a crowd down there.

Some campus cutups were
trying to steal a telephone

booth, some such nonsense.

- Well, boys will be boys.

- I suppose so.

Pretty childish, if you ask me.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow, Mr. Bollin.

- Yes, sir.

I'll be there.

- Offhand, I'd say the good
professor didn't see the humor

in our situation last night.

- Well, he doesn't go
much for campus humor.

Or any other kind.

What's this field trip
you got stuck with?

- It's for the
archaeology majors.

We're taking a hike up in
the Mount Warfield area.

- Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't we hike
up Mount Warfield?

- What's news about that?

A couple of sororities
do it every year.

- Well, maybe we could
figure out a new angle.

We could push
something up there,

like that guy pushing
the bed along the road.

- Doesn't sound
very exciting to me.

- Wait a second, I
think I've got it.

The fraternity can carry one
of the members up to the top.

And I just the
guy, little old me.

Well, we'll think of something.

- If there's anything
up Mount Warfield,

it's got to be something
that'll attract some attention.

- Oh, wait a minute.

Has anybody ever taken a
canoe up Mount Warfield?

- Oh, sure.
Hasn't everybody?

- There's no water
on Mount Warfield.

- Of course not.
That's what I mean.

We'll set a record.

We'll be the first
fraternity to take a canoe

to the top of Mount Warfield.

- I think he's serious.

- Of course, I'm serious.

Well, what do you think?

- Well, I can't make up my mind.

- About what?

- Well, it's either a
great idea or we've all

been standing in
the sun too long.

- Right through here, fellas.

A little bit to the starboard.
That's it.

Little bit to the port.
Careful.

Watch the stern.

All right.
Yeah, set it down.

It's heavy.

- How would you know?
- Now, now, mate.

Somebody's got to
be the captain.

- Hey, where'd
you get the canoe?

- Down in the basement.

You want to give
us a hand with it?

- Sure.
Where do you want to take it?

- To the top of Mount Warfield.
- What for?

There's no water up there.
- Of course not.

If you put this thing
in water, it would sink.

- We're just trying to get some
publicity for the fraternity.

- Yeah, we're going to
start a whole new thing,

carrying canoes to
the top of mountains.

- It was all Wally's idea
if anybody should ask.

- Oh, thank you, but I
can't take all the credit.

- Oh, go ahead.

- Well, we might as
well get back to work.

- What about you?

- I told you, I'm the captain.

All right.

Heave ho.

Bring her around, porter master.

Watch that bridge
to port, Mr. Nelson.

Full speed ahead.

[music playing]

- Where are the
rest of the guys?

I know they're supposed to
meet us here at 11 o'clock.

- Hey, you guys.

Here's a note.

"We waited and waited
and finally went back

to the house."
- Well, how about that?

What time is it?

- It's only five after 11:00.

- Oh, it looks like we're stuck.

- Oh, won't be too tough.

There's a trail all
the way up to the top.

- Why don't we just
forget it and go back?

- Oh, we can't do that.

The guy at the campus
paper is waiting

to hear how we make out.

- Come on, we can handle it.

It's not as heavy as all that.

- Heck, no.

- Uh, Fred, you and
Rick take the front.

Charlie and Ken,
you take the back.

- What are you going to do?
- Why?

I have to take
pictures of the trip.

I'm stuck lugging all
this camera equipment.

In fact, let me get a
picture of the star here.

Hold it.

That's it.

Straight back.

- All right, fellas.

It's onward and upward.

[whistle]

[music playing]

- Hold on a minute, fellas.

- You're doing great, fellas.

Hey, let me get a picture.

OK.

Upward and onward.

- Look, Wally, either
lift or let go.

- What do you mean?

- When we get to the
top and need an anchor,

we'll let you know.

- OK.

[music playing]

- Let's knock it
off for a while.

I've just about had it.
- Yeah, me too.

- Hurry up, Wally.
I want some water.

- Me, too.

- Just a second.

I don't know.

I don't think it's good
for you to drink water

when you're so hot.
- Never mind the advice.

Just give us a water.

- Oh, you're liable to
get cramped, double over.

We'd have to leave
you on the trail.

- Waterboy!

- Wally.

- OK, I drank all the water.

Believe me, I feel
awful about it.

You may have to leave
me on the trail.

- We all should have
quit a long time ago.

- Well, I'll drink to that.
- Me, too.

- Yeah, whose stupid
idea was this anyway?

Well, if you guys had a little
more strength of character,

you wouldn't have
listened to me.

- Yeah, that's for sure.

There's something
else for sure, too.

We won't get our
names in the paper

unless we make it to the top.

- The more I think
of it, I'm not

sure I want my name
connected with this anyway.

- Hey, you guys.

Guess who's coming up the trail?
- Four girls?

- No, George.
- Great.

We could use one
more broken back.

- He's with Professor Pauley.
They're on that field trip.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, boy.

This is great.

There they are a group of
students giving their time

to do a little archaeological
research to further man's

knowledge of the
world, and here we

are carrying a canoe to
the top of a mountain that

has no water.

- Not only that, they're
going to catch us at it.

- What do we do?

- Quick, let's hide the canoe.

- Well, hello, boys.

- Hi, Professor.
- Hello, Professor.

- What are you
fellas doing up here?

- Well, we were
on kind of a hike.

- Well, good for you.

Have you see the
rest of our group?

- Uh, no, sir.

- Well, they're
probably up ahead.

- Say, you fellas
ought to be mighty

proud of your
fraternity brother here.

He made quite a find.
- Oh, what's that?

- Oh, it's just this.

It's part of a boat.

- Where did you find this?

- Oh, about 200
yards down the hill.

- Boy, some of those picnickers
can be pretty sloppy.

- I had a feeling these
picnic groups were here

a couple of years ago.

- Or at least that,
possibly even more.

It's my guess that this
little piece of pottery

could very well be a
most important discovery.

- In what way, Professor?

- Well, it indicates a
degree of civilization

that we never believed
existed among the tribes

in this section of the country.
- No kidding!

- In fact, I'm going to
recommend that this entire area

be excavated.

- Oh, how about that?

- Oh, congratulations, George.
That's great.

- Thank you.
I was just lucky.

- Hey, do you suppose
this is important enough

to make the paper?

- Well, I can
assure you gentlemen

that it most certainly is.

In fact, I'm going
to turn the story in

as soon as we get back.
- Oh, great.

I suppose you'll
mention that George

is a member of our fraternity.
- Naturally.

- Well, we'll see you later.

[interposing voices]

- Professor.

- Yes?

- My name is Wally Plumstead,
in case you've forgotten it.

- What did you
have to do with it?

- I was here to
confirm the discovery.

- Hey, Wally.

We ought to get
a picture as long

as one of our
fraternity brothers

is going to make the papers.
- Oh, good thinking, Fred.

Professor, maybe you and
George will stand here

and hold the pottery.

Maybe the rest of you
fellas will gather around.

- I wish we had one of
our fraternity banners.

- Gee, I'd kind of like
to get in this myself.

Professor, I wonder if you'd
mind taking the picture.

Now, hold the
pottery up, George.

- Fellows, a little closer.

- Hey, I sure hope the picture
comes out in the paper.

- Well, I wouldn't
exactly count on it.

- Firstly, I'll be
happy if they just

mention that George is a
member of our fraternity.

- Yeah, hold on.

Hey Rick, you're
wanted on the phone.

- Oh, thanks, Jack.

Hello?

Oh, hi, George.

No kidding.
Hey, that's great.

We made the paper.
- Hey, how about that?

- Hey, that's terrific.

- What about the picture?

- Oh, what about
the picture, George?

No kidding.

They used the picture and
mentioned all our names.

[interposing voices]

- Hey, George, read the
whole thing to us, will you?

- Yeah, and speak up a little
louder so we can all hear you.

- Hey, watch my feet.
- Take a deep breath, Wally.

- Hey, close the door.
I can't hear.

- OK, George.

Go ahead.

What paper did you say?

It's in what?

Great.

- What's the matter?

- Well, it's not in the
school paper at all.

It's in the
Archaeological Review.

[interposing voices]

- Thanks anyway, George.

We'll see you.

- Boy, let's get out of here.

I'm getting crushed.

- I can't get the door open.

- Well, why did you close
it in the first place?

- Come on.
Let me out of here, will you?

- Hey, watch it, Wally.

- Go watch your elbow.

Oh, here we go again.

You better call the
fire department.

- Wait a minute.
I got an idea.

Somebody get the dime
out of my pocket.

- I'll get it.

- Oh, hurry up.

It's getting hot.

- Hello?

I'd like to speak to
the editor, please.

Oh, well, if you want
a little campus news,

rush a reporter
and a photographer

down to the malt
shop right away.

Oh, and would you mind call
the fire department, too?

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[music playing]