All language subtitles for Joy.Ride.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

( ANTS MARCHING BY
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND PLAYING)

♪ He wakes up in the morning

♪ Does his teeth, bite to eat
and he's rolling

♪ Never changes a thing

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ The week ends
The week begins

♪ She thinks
we look at each other ♪

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

Hi!

Uh, you guys must be
new to town, right?

(IN ENGLISH) New to town,
but not new to the country.

We just moved from California.
We speak English.

Oh, that's wonderful!
So do we!

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Um... Um...
-(COUGHS)

We're just curious.

Um... are you Chinese?

-Yes.
-Oh, great. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, we just wondered
if you would mind

if your daughter played
with our daughter?

Why our daughter?

Oh! Oh, no, we just thought
Audrey might like to meet her.

-JOE: Yeah.
-Audrey, say hi.

You wanna play slide?

Mmm-hmm.

-(GIRLS GIGGLING)
-(BOTH EXCLAIM HAPPILY)

Slide's off limits
to Ching-Chongs.

(GASPS)

Fuck you.

(GROANS, CRIES)

(YELLS)

(BODY THUDS)

You wanna be best friends?

(BOY CRYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

AUDREY: My grandpa's name
is Joe, just like my dad's.

He loves model trains,
and he has a gout.

Why don't you look
like your family?

'Cause I'm adopted from China.

That's why I have a birth mom.

I'd be so mad
if my parents gave me up.

BOY 1: Did you do something?

BOY 2: Her mom didn't
want her, obviously.

(STUDENTS GIGGLING)

Are you okay?

You know what?
Fuck everyone else.

You don't have to prove
anything to these losers.

( GROWING UP
BY THE LINDA LINDAS PLAYING)

♪ We can take turns

♪ Taking the reins

♪ Lean on each other

♪ When we need
some extra strength

♪ And we'll never cave
or we'll never waver

♪ We'll dance
like nobody's there

♪ We'll dance
without any cares

♪ We'll talk 'bout problems
we share

♪ We'll talk 'bout things
that ain't fair

♪ We'll sing 'bout things
we don't know

♪ We'll sing to people
and show

♪ What it means to be young
and growing up ♪

-(BALL THUDDING)
-(SHOES SQUEAKING)

Ten, four, let's go, boss.

You sure you're ready
for China?

I got this, Frank.

(GRUNTS) They do things
differently there.

(GRUNTS) I'll close the deal.
Don't worry about that.

-You worried about that?
-(GRUNTS)

FRANK: Oh, fuck!

Ah! Fuck!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Cover that!

-Hey. (GROANS)
-(GRUNTS)

God, this game fuckin' sucks.

-Good game.
-Good game, boss.

-(MEN LAUGHING)
-Thanks, Kevin.

Mike C. Mike D.
Mike J. Michael.

Josh. James. Dave. Other Dave.

Michael again. Good seein' ya.

Uh, eleven to four.

Kicked my ass again, Sullivan.

-(AUDREY CHUCKLES)
-That's pretty good for a...

-Woman.
-Asian.

No, I was gonna
say "associate."

Wait, can we say "Asian"
anymore or is that offensive?

We can't say anything anymore.

You're goddamn right, Kevin!
So shut the fuck up!

I'm an ally.
I shop at 99 Ranch Market.

Some of us are doin' the work.

Yes. I really appreciated

-that Mulan-themed
office birthday party.
-You're welcome.

So, uh, you excited
for Beijing?

I didn't know
you speak Chinese.

Well, I'm not fluent

but I have an excellent grasp
of conversational Mandarin.

Yeah? How do you say,

"I have an excellent grasp
of conversational Mandarin"
in Mandarin?

(IN MANDARIN)

You close ChinaWave this week,
I'm puttin' you up for partner.

Took you long enough, ally.

Well, come on,

Ms. 3,000-Billable-Hours,
you knew this was coming.

You know, if this works out,
you're gonna have
to move out to L.A.,

work out of headquarters.

That'd be amazing, actually.

You know, I've been thinking

it'd be nice to have a change.

-Oh, you're gonna love LA.
-Yeah.

I mean, there's a Chinatown,
a Thai Town, a Koreatown.

-I mean, it's basically Asia.
-Sure.

-(KEVIN GROANS)
-(LAUGHS)

That's me off of the dick.

Your dick is dust,
you pussy motherfucker!

-Fuckin' dust!
-Anyway,

close ChinaWave, make partner.

-Don't worry. I will.
-You better.

It's a big account. Good thing
you're fluent in Chinese.

-(ZIPS BAG)
-Yep.

You know, and I actually have
a friend coming with me.

She offered to be
my translator in Beijing.

Oh, you have a friend who's
a professional translator?

Total professional.

(IN MANDARIN)

(GARGLING)

(IN ENGLISH)
Oh, what's up, landlord?

-Sorry for the mess.
-Who are you talking to?

I'm sending an Animoji
to Baron Davis

with this cute bear.

Look. Check it out.

(LOLO OVER RECORDING
IN MANDARIN)

-(GRUNTS)
-AUDREY: Oh.

(IN ENGLISH) You have no idea
what I'm saying.

No, I have an idea.
Who is Baron Davis?

Basketball player.
Two-time NBA All-Star.

Anyway, he's playin'
in China now.

Since we're goin' to Beijing,
I slid in his DMs.

He's learning the language,
so I'm teaching him.

If you need help translating,

I talked to Kat,
and she lives there now.

-Ah, yes.
-So like if...

Katherine Huang.
Your famous college roommate.

-Yeah.
-Actress. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

-Okay.
-Spokesmodel.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Lolo two-point-worse.

-Don't...
-(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

You do understand
it's really important

for me to be professional

-the entire time...
-Of course.

Audrey, I got you. Look at me.

-You're thinking about a dick.
-Damn it. You're right.

-But I'm a fellow profesh.
-Yeah. I know.

Trust me. Oh, let me show you
my latest work.

-Come on. It's at
the restaurant.
-Uh, it's... Okay.

(SLURPING)

LOLO: Licky cat. Ooh.

See? It's like
a lucky cat except...

-Yeah, no, I get it.
-The tongue?

-I get it.
-Ready for this?

The Look-Closer Lotus.

-Look-Closer at wha... Oh, wow.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Vaginas.
-Mmm-hmm. Pussy petals.

-There's a lot of 'em.
-And this,

my piece de resistance...

"Adult Playground."

-Oh. Whoa! (CHUCKLING)
-Mmm-hmm.

-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
-(CHUCKLES)

Is this the playground
we went to as kids?

LOLO: Fuck yeah.
Look, titty sandbox.

This is chaotic.

That's what my art is
all about. Inspiring chaos.

Challenging fetishes that
Asian people have to deal with

around sexuality.

I mean, it's just a lot.

I hope someone likes it.

I could really use
a commission right now.

If you really need money,
you could pick up
some shifts here.

Your parents need the help.

I'm not tryin'
to be a sell-out.

-I'm a starving artist.
-Mmm.

I could bring one
of my pieces to Beijing.

Lolo, this is such
an important work...

-Work trip. Work trip.
-Right.

-Or... And just hear me out.
-No. No. No "or."

What if it's our first annual
best friends trip? You and me.

Romy and Michele.
Bert and Elmo.

-Ernie.
-Oh, my God,
I'm so embarrassed.

I love the idea
of an annual trip

but you're gonna have
to save some money.

-Yeah.
-You're saving money
by living with me.

And I'm so grateful.

And it's been really fun
but I don't know,

like, maybe I don't wanna live
in White Hills my whole life.

Why not? This is home.

Right, but...

Lolo... we told you to stop
bringing your art in here.

I ran out of space at Audrey's.

Put it away.
We have to go get ready.

-Okay, I'm coming.
-We're coming.

(MRS. CHEN AND LOLO
IN MANDARIN)

-(MRS. CHEN SPEAKING MANDARIN)
-Do you wanna just...

-Are we gonna leave it here?
-LOLO: Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not a radiologist
like Arthur.

-Okay.
-(DOOR CLOSES)

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)

-ALL: To Audrey!
-(GLASSES CLINKING)

-To Audrey. Yes.
-Thanks for coming over.

MARY: Oh. So proud of you.

AUDREY: Guys, you didn't have
to throw a whole party.

We're gonna be back in,
like, four days.

We wanted to give you a nice
send-off. It's a big deal.

Going to your birth country.

It's a business trip.

And it's so great
you're taking Lolo with you.

-Anyway, we brought
Hong Dou Bing.
-Oh, yes.

-These are red bean buns.
-ALL: Ooh.

-MARY: Red bean.
-Audrey first.

-Thank you so much.
They look so good.
-JENNY: Yes.

JENNY: You got the blue one.
Those are special.

Will I like these?

No, no. Probably not,
to be honest.

-You're basically white.
-That's not true.

You have a throw pillow
that says, "Wine o'clock."

-Rose all day.
-You own a picnic basket.

They're very useful.

Name every character
on Succession.

Logan, Kendall, Shiv, Roman...
Oh, you got me.

So, I thought it would be fun
to look at some photos

of Audrey from the last time
she was in China.

Oh, my gosh. No. The Chens
don't wanna look at that.

-That's for us.
-Yes.

-No, I...
-(LOLO GASPS)

-Oh.
-Oh, honey, look,
this is the first time

-you held her.
-JOE: Oh, God.

-Oh, my God. I'm gonna cry.
-So am I.

-No, I know. It's cute.
-LOLO: Who's this?

MARY: Look at that
head of hair.

Oh. Oh, that's my birth mom.

How have you never
shown me this?

I don't know.
It's not a big deal.

-MARY: Who was that actor?
-JOE: Yeah, she...

Your adoption agency's
on the back.

Yeah. (READING IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) Should we call them
and maybe get

-information on your mom?
-No. I don't wanna do that.

I mean, we used to talk
about it all the time

when we were little, remember?

A grand adventure
to find your birth mom?

No. No. That was
because we were kids.

And we're adults now.
We've moved on.

At least I have, okay?
So let's not do that.

Anyway, why would
I need more parents

when I have the two best
parents in the world?

-Aw, honey.
-Oh, we love you, sweetie.

-You're the best.
-(MARY CHUCKLES)

ALL: Sandwich!

(SULLIVANS EXCLAIMING)

(WHISPERING) White people.

MARY: You know what?
Another toast.

To Audrey. To movin' on
and movin' up.

-Moving up.
-To the best daughter

and the best lawyer
you could ever have.

And Lolo's gonna probably
need a lawyer someday.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-Get the bail money ready.

(ALL LAUGHING)

JOE: Gonna need a lawyer.

(GREETS IN MANDARIN)

Guess who's goin' back
to the motherland?

So, if you're in Beijing
and you have a juicy pene

or a vagine hit me up.

Audrey, say hi.

-(SIGHS WEARILY) No, Lolo.
-Audrey, say hi.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(INDISTINCT FLIGHT
ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

Hey, so I kinda
can't stop thinking

about the picture
of your birth mom.

-Oh.
-You sure you don't wanna
look for her?

-Yep.
-It could be something fun
we do together.

Lolo, I just... I'm sorry,

but remember
this is a work trip.

-Work trip. Work trip.
-Thank you.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Deadeye's coming, by the way.

-What?
-Deadeye's coming.

-Deadeye, your cousin?
-She's visiting friends.

And her parents, you know,
just didn't want her to fly
alone, so I'm chaperoning.

A chaperone?
For a grown woman?

Before you say anything,
I know what you're thinking.

-Your hair grew back.
-Not really.

This is why
my part is this way.

Yeah. That was forever ago.
And she's different now.

LOLO: I promise.
Deadeye has changed.

She's into music. K-pop.
You know BTS. She's full army.

She's super cool now.

The energy has totally shifted.

-AUDREY: Okay.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Hey, Audrey.
-Whoa! Hi. Hey.

-Deadeye.
-Hi.

-(KISSES)
-So...

-Oh, good. Hi!
-Yeah.

Um, so you're...
you're flying with us?

-Just flying?
-Yeah, the pleasure's mine.

-Me, too.
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Um...

so, when we get to Beijing,
you're gonna meet up

-with your BTS friends, right?
-Yeah.

-Awesome.
-Yes.

@Jinderalla88, @JHopesGirl,
@SugaIsMyDaddy.

Oh, online people?

Yeah, they're my best friends.

I went to @Jinderalla88's
wedding on Zoom.

-Awesome.
-He married a pillow.

Okay.

Oh, oh, one second.

Those can't be real people.

She's just coming to hang out
with us, obviously.

-Trust me. Right when we land,
-Lolo...

Deadeye is gonna peace out
and it's gonna be you and me.

Do you think I can bring
these lighters onto the plane?

-I really think it's illegal.
-Okay. Yeah.

-Oh, no.
-LOLO: Oh, yeah.

-Not again.
-Okay. I was wrong.

-My hair. My hair.
-LOLO: Come on, it'll be fun.

-We should check the other two.
-LOLO: Friends trip!

I'm gonna take these.

We're gonna priority board
and we'll see you at...

-at the gate, okay?
-LOLO: Yeah. Yeah.

You're gonna Venmo me
for those or...

-AUDREY: Lolo?
-I'll sneak you some snacks.

(LET'S GO BY
VAVA FEAT. GAI PLAYING)

(DOLPHINS CLICKING)

(POPPING)

(ANNOUNCEMENT
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I don't think I've ever been
around only Asian people.

I mean, we look like
everyone else for once.

I think we blend right in.

Yeah. But people here
can tell Chinese-Chinese

from American-Chinese.

-What do you mean?
-See?

Hong Kong-Chinese.

Bluetooth.

-Shanghai-Chinese. Bougie.
-(CELL PHONES CHIMING)

-(DEADEYE CHUCKLES)
-Ooh, Taiwanese.

-Weird, but cute.
-AUDREY: Aw.

-(WOMEN SCREAMING, CHEERING)
-What kinda Chinese are they?

LOLO: What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Are you tryin' to get canceled?
Those are Koreans.

-Oh.
-That's Howdy Fun!

-It's a K-pop group!
-Yeah,

they all have the same face.
That's how you can tell.

AUDREY: Mmm.

I mean, why are they walking
right though security?

-Because it's Howdy Fun!
-(CHUCKLES) Okay.

(FANS EXCLAIMING AT DISTANCE)

So, where...
Where are we goin'?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Um, well,

we are going to visit
my friend, Kat,

on her set of
The Emperor's Daughter.

Oh, I love that show.

-Cool. Okay, let's go.
-Oh.

(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)

(WHISPERING) Hey.
I thought you said

it was just for the flight.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
She's hanging out with us now?

I didn't even ask Kat
if she can come to set with us.

Is Kat gonna make
a big deal out of it?

-No. I mean, just no...
-Fuck her.

Why do you have such
a problem with her?

You know, you both actually
have a lot in common.

I mean, you're both
very sexually...

-Free?
-Yeah.

She blew Nick and Joe Jonas.

Not Kevin? Not impressed.

She has a tattoo
on her vagina.

What?

She has...
She has a pussy tat?

-(SCOFFS)
-I shouldn't have told you.

Um... You know what?
Forget I said anything.

Yeah. (SMACKS LIPS)

Um, never, never gonna talk
about it ever again.

What's it of?
Like, is it in color?

Is it glow-in-the-dark?
Big? Small?

Like, are pussy tats
more common than I think?

Does she have one?

Do they?

Do you think she had, like,
ideas going in,

or just pointed to the artist
and said, "Dealer's choice"?

Horizontal. Vertical.
Optical illusion.

It looks like a vase

-but then an old lady.
-Stop talking about it.

LOLO: I decided...
AUDREY: Stop!

-You know, I thought about it.
-Please.

I thought about it. I thought
about it really, really hard.

-Yes.
-And I decided I'm not gonna

-stop talking about it.
-(INHALES SHARPLY)

Let's go see this trash bag
kitty cat pussy tat bitch.

(IN MANDARIN)

(GASPS, WHIMPERS)

(SWORD SWISHES)

(GASPS)

(CRIES OUT)

-(GRUNTS)
-(GASPS)

(GROANING)

-(GASPS, MOANS SOFTLY)
-(BELL RINGS)

DIRECTOR: Cut. Cut. Cut.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(IN ENGLISH) Bravo! Encore!

-(CLAPPING) Encore!
-Audrey?

-Oh, my God! That was so good!
-(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)

You're such a big shot!

Oh, come on.
You are the big shot.

You big shot lawyer.

BOTH: Best friends reunited.

-(BOTH LAUGH AND SQUEAL)
-AUDREY: Oh.

BOTH: ♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom

-♪ Bom!
-♪ Bom, bom, ah!

♪ Deep in the night how
I wonder (INHALES SHARPLY)

♪ Please make him real,
how I'll pray, whoo! ♪

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Whoo!

What? That was so lame.
(CHUCKLES) What was that?

You know, Kat and I were
part of the same

college a cappella group...

-The Tootles!
-Tootles!

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Stop!

LOLO: Right.

Oh, it's so nice to see you.

I hear that you're living
in Audrey's garage

and... And drawing
penises now.

(STUTTERS) Oh, no, I... Uh,

I told you,
Lolo's an amazing artist.

-I do body positive art.
-Interesting.

And remind me your name again.

My legal name is Vanessa.
Call me Deadeye.

Oh, where did that...
Come from?

You know, I think I get it.

-Come to my chair.
-Are you serious?

(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Come to my chair.

Wait, wait. Oh, my Gosh,
this is so cool!

-Okay.
-(CHUCKLING)

So, when do we get
to meet your fiance?

Oh. You just saw him.

-He's the leading man.
-Uh...

-(BOTH LAUGH)
-Wait, the human Mushu?

Oh, there he is.

(PHREAK BY
LYRICS BORN PLAYING)

♪ I'm a phreak

♪ I'm a trip

♪ It's the business

♪ That's what it is

♪ Has anybody ever told you
got fresh, boss?

♪ I have to ask you, boss

♪ Ask you that question, God

♪ It happens to me daily
I'm just so blessed because

♪ I'm the best there was
Better than sexy ♪

KAT: Mmm.

-Hey.
-Hi, honey.

Hey, I'm so sorry. I had to,
uh, get outta my costume.

It's just so itchy and tight.

KAT: (CHUCKLES) Clarence,

Audrey is my best friend
from college.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Hi. We're best friends,
actually.

Clarence and I met on the set
of the show.

He plays the military hero.

Oh, we just saw you.
(CHUCKLES) It was
so good. You're really great.

And I play the good girl.

Played the good girl
in my last two dramas too.
It's...

I think it's kinda my brand.

CLARENCE: She's
an absolute angel, isn't she?

Kat and I thank God every day
for bringing us together.

-Are you two Bible-thumpers?
-What?

Oh, I... I have always
been a woman of God.

I mean, remember that was one
of the first things I told you

when we met, right, Audrey?
That... (INHALES SHARPLY)

I am a good Christian girl

saving myself for marriage.

-Wait, what?
-Wait, wait, wait. You two...

have never had sex.

Our connection is
based on spiritual,

not physical intimacy.

Did you have
a spiritual connection

when the Jonas Brothers
were Eiffel towering you?

Oh, my God. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(CLARENCE AND AUDREY LAUGH)

Oh, my God. That's so funny.
I love Paris.

AUDREY:
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Right?

I gotta go. You good?
You need anything?

I'm good, my love. Thank you.

-Okay, come here.
-(CHUCKLES) Mmm.

-(PHREAK CONTINUES PLAYING)
-Aw!

(KAT MOANS)

Oh. Uh...

-(MOANING)
-CLARENCE: Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm, oh, oh.

-Ooh. Uh...
-Leave some room for Jesus.

(BOTH GRUNTING PLAYFULLY)

Yes!

-CLARENCE: Yeah.
-(KAT CHUCKLES)

-Nice to meet you all.
-AUDREY: So good to meet...

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Okay.

Go away! (LAUGHS)

(LOLO GROWLS)

So, has Clarence ever seen
your pussy tat?

I do confess that at one point
I did have a tiny sunflower

on my inner thigh.

"Edgy." (CHUCKLES)

But it doesn't even matter
because, um, it's gone.

Lasers work miracles.

Okay? (CHUCKLES) Gone.

-Prove it.
-AUDREY: (STUTTERS) Lolo.

Mmm. (CLICKS TONGUE)
YOLO, Lolo.

You know, I used to be
like you in college

but guess I just
grew out of it.

Really? Oh, 'cause
you seem kinda tense

(CHUCKLES) from
all the no-boning.

You sure you're good? You sure
you don't miss it? (SNICKERS)

No tongue until the wedding
bell's rung, my friend.

Okay. Um, well, we should
get going now, right?

So, um, we have to go to
this place called Radiance.

It's crazy
that a business meeting
is happening at a club.

-But when in Rome,
do what the Romans do.
-Bathe together.

-Huh.
-KAT: Well, lucky for you,

I wrapped early,
so I can come now.

I mean, you still need
a translator, right?

-Actually Lolo offered...
-Yeah.

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

What is that?

(IN MANDARIN)

(ALL LAUGHING)

AUDREY: (IN ENGLISH) Okay.

-(IN ENGLISH) I like her.
-No, you don't.

(UPBEAT CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

AUDREY: Okay,
we gotta find the CEO.

Just remember,
it's really important for me

to get him to sign tonight.

(IN MANDARIN)

-(MAN LAUGHS)
-Oh, shit.

-(CHUCKLES)
-AUDREY: Hi!

Hi, Mr. Lin. It's so nice
to meet you.

I'm so excited to talk
about the deal.

(IN MANDARIN)

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Oh.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Guys, what's he saying?

-Uh, Chunhwa?
-Chunhwa. Yes.

(IN MANDARIN)

Choo-choo!

( EDAMAME BY BBNO$
FEAT. RICH BRIAN PLAYING)

-(ALL CHEERING)
-Oh.

-(CHAO SPEAKING MANDARIN)
-KAT: Yes!

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

♪ Whoa, I'm a big bag hunter
with the bow

♪ She got a big bad dumper
Drop it low

LOLO: Honestly,
Chao's way younger

than I thought
he was gonna be.

-Right?
-And hot.

I'd smash.

AUDREY: Okay,
please don't hit on him.

-Are you good?
-Mmm.

You don't normally eat
real Chinese food.

Yeah, and you don't have
to drink everything either.

I heard that if you keep up
with Chinese businessmen

they respect you more.

(CHAO IN MANDARIN)

-What are these?
-LOLO: Shit. (CHUCKLES)
Thousand-year-old egg shots.

So fucking good.

I don't know if you can
handle it, though.

They're so black and gooey.

LOLO: I love goo.

(CHAO SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(ALL TOASTING IN MANDARIN)

-(AUDREY SIGHS)
- (EDAMAME CONTINUES PLAYING)

♪ Yeah, feel so hot like
I'm chillin' on the beach

♪ Yeah, baby in the sun
like the Teletubbies♪

(GULPS)

-LOLO: Audrey, you okay?
-Mmm.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

Mmm, mmm.

LOLO: Swallow it.

(GULPS, COUGHS)

(ALL CHEERING)

(IN MANDARIN)

Oh. (SHOUTS IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) Let's play!

Oh, is this a drinking game?

What are...
What are the rules?

-KAT: Oh.
-LOLO: Ah!

(CHAO IN MANDARIN)

-(ALL EXCLAIMING)
-Oh!

Okay.

(ALL CHEERING)

You ready to lose
to a celebrity?

Oh, I can't wait to slap
the shit outta you.

-KAT: Mmm.
-(ALL CHANTING IN MANDARIN)

CHAO: Oh! Ah!

Oh, okay. Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

-(NECK CRACKS)
-Mmm.

CHAO: Oh.

-(CHAO IN MANDARIN)
-(SLAPPING REPEATEDLY)

-(LOLO GRUNTS)
-ALL: Oh!

(CHAO IN MANDARIN)

Audrey... (SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) You and me?
You and me?

-Yeah. Uh...
-Yeah. Let's fucking go!

Yeah, you're evens, okay?
Uh, you got this.

Close this fucking deal.

-(BURPS)
-That's my bitch!

(CHAO SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(CHANTING IN MANDARIN)

I won? I won! I won, right?

I won!

-(AUDREY EXCLAIMING)
-(ALL CHEERING)

I won! I won!

-LOLO: (CHANTING) Audrey!
-(CHAO GRUNTS)

-(BAR FALLS SILENT)
-(CROWD EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

(CROWD MURMURING)

(WHISPERING) Oh, shit.

(CHANTING)
Audrey! Audrey! Yes!

You just nailed him
like Mike fuckin' Tyson!

I'm so sorry.

(IN MANDARIN)

Oh, no, you're good.

-AUDREY: Did I hit him?
-Yeah, yeah, he's fine.

-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Yeah! Yeah!

I'm just gonna... Yeah!

-(RETCHES)
-(CROWD GASPS LOUDLY)

I'm so, so fucked.

No, no, you're good.

AUDREY: Oh, thank God for Kat.
Look at her.

Chunhwa just schmoozing
with those businessmen,

salvaging our night.

God. I love her.

-God, I'm gonna be sick again.
-I'll get you a ginger ale.

Get me a new face or stomach,
or something.

-(IN ENGLISH)
Are you feeling better?
-I'm so sorry.

I... I usually don't, um,
have eggs like that and...

Wait. Uh.

Do you speak English?

Many Chinese people
speak English.

But most Americans
do not speak Chinese.

It's always fun to pretend.

By the way, I appreciate that
you would want to smash this.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Well, I would.
I'd smash it really...

I can see it's your first time
in China.

Yeah. You know what? I'm...

I'm usually not like this.
I'm... I'm so sorry, I got sick.

But I'm... I'm very ready
to go over the terms

of our business proposal.

You know,
there's a saying in Chinese.

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) It means,
you can tell a lot
about a person

by their family.

Do you have any relatives
in China?

Oh, uh, yeah, well, probably.

Uh, sure, yes.
Definitely, probably.

Um, I... I was adopted, so...

Oh, well, if you do not know
where you come from,

how do you know who you are?

Oh, God. (CHUCKLES) No, no,
I know where I'm from.

Actually, you know, I was
born here, but I am American.

So, you have no contact
with your Chinese family.

(SIGHS) That's a shame.

(IN MANDARIN)

(CHUCKLES) Uh...
What? What'd he say?

Well, she's actually really
close with her birth mother.

-Yeah. Like that.
-CHAO: Oh.

-(IN ENGLISH) Really?
-Yeah, yeah.

We're actually meeting up
with her this week.

(CHAO SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH)
My mother is celebrating

her 70th birthday this Friday.

-Oh, wow.
-It's gonna be a big event.

Her favorite performer's
gonna be there. DJ Tiesto.

We're gonna have gift bags,
oranges, Teslas,

Bitcoin, that kinda thing.

I would love for you to come.
Bring your mother.

My mother? Um, no... Oh...

Oh, you know what,
uh, we couldn't impose.

-No, no, I insist.
-You insist. He insists.

-Oh, yeah. This one.
-How are we supposed
to do business together

if we do not know
each other's families?

We can't do business
if we don't...

Come to the event,
and we'll close the deal there.

-Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
-(IN MANDARIN)

(BOTH MOUTHING)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh. Finally.

We'll be there.
It's... It's a mom party.

So, it's settled then.
(TOASTING IN MANDARIN)

I... Just give me a minute.
(GAGS)

(RETCHES)

LOLO: Hell yeah,
I'm not okay. (GROANS)

AUDREY: I can't feel my face.

Oh, fuck. (INHALES SHARPLY)

Fuck. That went
so fucking terribly.

Not to me. Uh, I feel closer
to you than ever.

-Oh, my God.
-DEADEYE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, no, no, no. I'm good.
I'm good. Deadeye, I'm so...

I'm so sorry again that
I threw up on you. We got...

We better clean you up.

Okay, I... I'll find something.

(AUDREY SIGHS)

See, I knew
this was gonna happen

if I brought you on
this business trip, Lolo.

You're always doing
shit like this.

What about a "thank you?"

I mean, you were
sinking in there,
and I saved your ass.

Well, whatever you were doing,
you failed.

AUDREY: This is my job.

Why would you lie and tell
Chao that I knew my birth mom?

-That's insane.
-That is insane.

Are you her echo? Who the fuck
asked for your opinion?

Well, what do you expect
her to do now?

She could go find
her birth mom.

Just like we always said
we would.

AUDREY: That was hypothetical.

We don't even know
where she is.

What, you want me to search
all of China?

-DEADEYE: Give it to me!
-(WATER GUSHING)

-Great.
-So, the other day,

I may have called
the adoption agency

and pretended to be you.

-What are you talking about?
-KAT: Wow!

Apparently,
at the time of adoption

she agreed to be contacted.

She's open to meeting you.

Her address is on there.
She lives in Haiching,

which is super close
to Nai Nai's.

And we'll just stay with them.

Oh, no, no, no.
She can't handle it!

Wait, no. Why not?
I can handle it.

Nai Nai's like,
Chinese-Chinese.

Like, "super long hair
coming out of a mole

"and refuses to pluck it
'cause it's bad luck" Chinese.

"Forces you to overeat,

"and then comments
on your weight later" Chinese.

Like, literally,
"take her bra off,
wipe her under-boob sweat

"in the middle of
a Buddhist temple

"and make you sniff it" Chinese.

"Has a plastic bag full of
other plastic bags" Chinese.

Don't act like
you know my family.

You don't know
what we've been through.
Look at Deadeye!

Look at me! Look at me!

LOLO: It'll be fine.
We'll take the train and...

And go straight to Haiching

and we'll be there
tomorrow afternoon.

And I'm gonna close this deal.

And it'd be really nice
to meet your birth mother.

Okay.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay, will you guys
come with me?

Fuck yes, bitch.

-I'm here for you, Audrey.
-Oh, my God, thank you.

-LOLO: Really?
-I love a grand adventure.

-(MOCKS SILENTLY)
-Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Okay, so were gonna go
to Haiching.

Okay, all right. Yeah,
we're doin' it. We're doin' it.

-Haiching, baby!
-Yes!

(SHOUTS IN MANDARIN)

Guys, guys, I'm a boy.

(LAUGHS)

AUDREY: Just so you guys know,

I have extra cash
in my money belt.

And also, our passports
are in there too.

-Why are you being paranoid?
-KAT: Don't worry.

I've got locks on my bag.
Just put it in here.

-Really?
-Of course.

AUDREY: Okay. Make sure your
bags are zipped at all times.

See? Zip it. Zip it. Zip it.

We're in China.
It's the safest place
in the world.

I heard that if you're short,

you'll get kidnapped to go
live on a gymnastics farm.

That's not a thing.

All I'm saying is
that as foreigners,

we need to be extra vigilant,
okay?

Just keep our heads on
a swivel. And watch what

-we eat and what we drink.
-Ooh, good call.

-Let's get some snacks.
-Nom, nom, nom.

-Squid on a stick.
-Okay.

Just come back here, okay?

-We have eight minutes.
-KAT: Okay, guess what?

Remember when I told you
I auditioned for that movie?

Sweet Home Orange County?

-Well, I got the part.
-You what?

I'm gonna be in LA next summer.

Oh, congratulations.

Isn't there a chance
you're gonna be in LA too?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

-Hotties in La La Land!
-See,

this is why I have to close
this deal and make partner.

KAT: It's gonna be so amazing

to have a friend there.
I mean, you really...

(CLEARS THROAT)
You really know me.

-Yeah, I know.
-You've seen a lot.

I've seen a little too much.

(GIGGLES)

Do you think it's okay that
I haven't told Clarence

everything about
my past and...

Yeah, no, it's totally okay.

I mean, hey, can you...

-Okay.
-...not mention LA to Lolo?

I haven't really told her
about it yet.

Is there an issue there?

AUDREY: Yeah, no, I mean,
I'll tell her eventually.

But, uh, you know, she doesn't
have as much going on as I do.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
THROUGH SPEAKERS)

(LOLO LAUGHS)

And I,
I just think it might be

great to have some space.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I get it.

It's between you and me.

-Thank you. Zip.
-Zip.

Where do we sit?

LOLO: Find any car
with open seats.

(APOLOGIZES IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH)
Those guys look shady.

-LOLO: Oh, there's room here.
-I'm not really...

We'd have to squeeze.

I hate the smell of oranges.

Oh, hi, um, is anyone else
sitting here with you?

No. Sorry. No.
They're not sitting here.

Oh, amazing. Hey, guys!

Guys, guys, come on.
I found one.

It's so nice
to see an American.

Where are you visiting from?

Oh, um,
I actually live in Beijing.

No way. She lives here.

JESS: Yeah.
I moved here, like,

I wanna say, five years ago.
I love it.

Also, looking like me here

-I get so much attention.
-Totally.

Asian people with me,

it's just... They've...
I... I'm Gisele.

AUDREY: Yeah.
So, you like living here?

I love it.
The people are great,

the food's incredible.
And it's safe.

Is it safe?
Because, I... I mean,

I just, I hear there's a lot
of pickpockets here, right?

And Chinese youths
are getting really into drugs.

Fuck yeah, they are.

(GASPS) Chinese kids
are cool as fuck.

They fucking party.

You can get anything
you want here.

I... It's...
It's so unbelievable.

I mean, anything you want.

China White, benzos,
bush, kush.

Uh, just curious,
what do you do for work?

-Hmm?
-Mmm?

Oh, I do import. I do import

-and then I... I also do export.
-That's so cool.

So like, like furniture?

Sure.

I have my period.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

(COUGHS) Oh, shit.
I'm bleeding.

(JESS GRUNTS)

Fuck.

-Oh, my God. She's so sweet!
-Are you serious?

-That bitch is so suspicious.
-What are you talking about?

-She's super nice.
-Okay, I know you chose her

because she's American
varsity blue corn-fed bitch,

but, like, no!

No, she's totally sus!
There's something

-wrong with her.
-Yeah, you're not my favorite,

-but I do agree.
-JESS: Shit! Fuck!

-Hey, are you...
-Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

-(SLAMS DOOR SHUT)
-AUDREY: Are you okay?

Pox is gonna kill me.

-I know it's hot in here.
-JESS: Fuck!

-You can't open that window.
-What are you looking at?

There's nothing
to fucking see here.

Don't look at me like that.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

-(POLICE OFFICER
SPEAKING MANDARIN)
-What is that?

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

It's the cops.
They're doing a bag check.

Um, yeah, there's a drug
dealer on the train.

-Oh, fuck!
-Who do we think it is?

The family with the oranges?

Audrey, get a fucking grip!
It's this bitch.

Oh, my God!
You're a drug dealer?

Of course, I am. I was trying
to sell you drugs.

Okay, you need
to get rid of that now.

Get rid of it.

We need to get rid of that.
'Cause if I'm going down,

you little dipshits
are going down with me.

We're American. They're gonna
come after all of us.

If the cops ask, we'll just
say we have nothing to do

-with her.
-(BLOWS)

(DEADEYE SCREAMS)

You're drug dealers now,
bitches!

LOLO: What the fuck?

Okay, that is good shit,
by the way.

Yeah, I only sell the best.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-(DEADEYE SCREAMING)

LOLO: Oh, fuck. Fuck.

-KAT: No, no, no.
-Oh, shit.

We can't get caught
with drugs in China.

We'll get deported.
Or jail, probably for life.

Oh, my God, is this what
happened in Brokedown Palace?

That was Thailand!

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna get disbarred.

I am too famous for jail.

You guys need to
calm the fuck down

and you need to fuckin'
listen to me, okay?

Since that window's
not working,

we have two options.
We hide the drugs in our body,

or we do them, okay?
I need your help.

You look like you've done
a lot of drugs.

-That's correct.
-You look like you've

had a lot of things
in your asshole.

Uh, not a lot of things.
Just one thing.

But maybe different varieties
of that one thing,

um, which is dick. I mean,
no, no! (INHALES)

You don't understand.
Cocaine makes me really horny.

-It could get really weird.
-I know you two aren't

drug people and I know
you're super scared right now

but you're gonna
need to decide.

Are you gonna step up
for your fellow countrywoman?

You gonna plug
or you gonna play?

No. Neither.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-Is that a condom?

(CRYING)
I'm not ready to have sex!

(CONTINUES CRYING)

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR CONTINUES)
-(CRYING INAUDIBLY)

(POLICE OFFICER
SPEAKING MANDARIN)

-Fuck! Group project!
-(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SNORTING)

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

KAT: Deadeye, get in there.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR CONTINUES)

(POLICE OFFICER
SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(IN MANDARIN)

You know what,
I'll handle this, okay?

I got it. I got it, guys.
I got it, got it.

Attention, Chinese policemen.

Oh, shit.
You're about to get lawyered.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I know that you think
that we have drugs,

and we do not have drugs.
In fact, I'm a lawyer.

I'm a lawyer. I'm in fact,
a very good lawyer.

And so I just
want you to know that

we are citizens of Amer...
America.

And that is why
I rest my case.

-Bonk! Bonk!
-Mmm.

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN MANDARIN)

(KAT CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(IN MANDARIN)

-Mmm-mmm.
-(IN ENGLISH) Okay? (CHUCKLES)

(IN ENGLISH)
And she took my suitcase.
She took my suitcase.

(BOTH ARGUING IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH)
Hey! This is mine!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Are you kidding? This is mine.

I've never done
drugs in my life.

(IN MANDARIN)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING
CONTINUES)

Okay, okay. We're good,

we're good, we're good,
we're good. Okay.

Every... Everybody, calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.

Oh, my God! What the fuck?

That American girl stole
Kat's suitcase.

Our passports are in there.

Well, the bright side is,
we just got
kicked off the train.

We're not hanging by our
nipples in a meat freezer.

No, no, no, no. If we do not
have our passports,

then we can't go home.
And if we can't go home,

then we can't go to our jobs.
And if we don't have jobs,

we can't get more money
to get more coke.

I want more coke. Oh, my God.
Is anyone else itchy?

I'm sorry. I'm just,
I'm fucking itchy.

Fuck. Fuck.
Kat, honey, you good?

-Are they coming out?
-Yeah, but only seven.

-And I think I put in eight.
-If you get a clean one

could you just, um,
keep me posted?

I hate you so much right now!

Just push. Pull.
I mean, twist it.

It's not a Bop It,
it's my asshole!

Okay, just stick
your hand up there

like a claw machine tryin'
to get the stuffed bear.

-Okay.
-Deeper!

-KAT: Okay.
-Higher!

-Okay!
-Get that bear!

I'm getting the bear!

-(ROARING)
-How are you so normal?

You did, like, twice as much
stuff as the rest of us.

I think all the coke and molly
just balanced out my system.

I just feel good.

Like, "just watched a child

"fall through
a manhole cover" good.

(LAUGHING) You deserve it,
little shit.

You're a beautiful
silk kimono.

Is this a hot dog on a stick?

You know what?
Maybe I just miscounted.

It's probably seven.

(WHIMPERS)

(MUFFLED COUGHS, SCREAMS)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Deadeye! If you find coke,
come back!

Guys, how have
we walked for hours

and haven't seen one car?

LOLO: It's all good.
I DM'd Baron Davis.

Fuck. The next town
is 27 kilometers away.

My basketball boo
is on his way, okay?

(CHUCKLES)
Oh. Although, at this point,

I don't even wanna be
rescued, okay?

I cannot be seen in public

-looking like this.
-(LOLO CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you look like
Hello Kitty

just got skull-fucked
by Grobie.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God,
you're so funny!

-Fuck you!
-(CHUCKLES)

This is all your fault.

How is it my fault?

I'm not the one who
chose the train cabin

with the one
obvious drug dealer

just 'cause I'm a wee bit
racist against my own people.

-I'm not racist.
-Hey, "not racist."

But you don't like boba

and you've never fucked
an Asian guy, so...

-Damn. Still?
-No, no. Remember that

foreign exchange student
from Kazakhstan?

B... Bizi... Bizip? Uh, Bazid?

-David?
-David. David.

Is Kazakhstan even in Asia?

They look kind of
Asian sometimes.

-KAT: Oh, my God!
-Okay. Racist.

When I masturbate, I sometimes
fantasize about Splinter.

-He's Asian.
-He's a rat.

He's a good father.

Fine. Fine. I'm sorry, okay?
It's my fault.

(SIGHS) Oh, my God.

We're in the middle
of nowhere.

My phone is dead.

We don't have
any food or water.

God. I should have
never come to China.

Wait, there's someone
on the road.

No, there isn't.
You're probably hallucinating.

Okay, maybe because
I also see a giraffe

peeling off his spots

and throwing them
like a frisbee.

(SCREAMS) Oh, shit!

-(ALL SHRIEK)
-LOLO: Jeez.

Okay, but that's a bus, right?

(BUS HONKING)

(BUS BRAKES HISSES)

(BUS DOORS OPEN)

LOLO: Baron.

I knew you would come for me.

Ni hao, Lolo.

I heard y'all needed a ride.

Okay, so the team is going
to give us a ride to Haiching

first thing in the morning.

-And then we can...
-LOLO: Ooh, ooh.

AUDREY: Oh.

Audrey, are you eye-fucking
an Asian guy?

No. No, no. Don't. No. Lolo,
don't get us in trouble.

We're just, you know, just,

they're our ride,
so let's just be cool.

-Let's be cool.
-I'm cool. I'm very cool.

I'm gonna Jaws the fuck
outta Baron Davis tonight.

Aah. Aah.

-Your mouth is so big.
-Oh, my God.

I know. (CHUCKLES) But, look,
without teeth, not as big.

-Why is mine so tiny?
-I'm all underbite.

KAT: Okay. Can everyone
just close our mouths?

Let's just be adults, right?

Okay, they're just
some normal, attractive men.

It's nothing to lose your
minds over. It's... (GASPS)

-You okay?
-Oh, my God.

It was eight coke bags.

It was eight. I just
felt it burst. (INHALES)

(MOANS)

Your mouth is
pretty fuckin' big too.

Are you horny? Finger me twice
if you're horny.

Kat?

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.
What's up, chica?

-Fancy seeing you here.
-(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-I have no idea who you are.
-Wait. Todd?

-What are you doing in China?
-Hey, China!

-Oh, man, you know...
-(AUDREY CHUCKLES)

I'm just out here
hoopin' professionally.

Why is Kat pretending
like she doesn't know me?

Uh, my name's not Kat.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(IN A BRITISH ACCENT)
Yeah, no, that's not Kat.

That's... Hermione.

I'm Ron. This is Harry.

-Hagrid.
-This...

Okay.

Just one sec.

Okay. Yeah.

Hey, not Kat. Um, mmm.

You know, sometimes I just
find myself

thinkin' back to this time
when me and someone who looks

so much like you rode out
to the Grand Canyon

in my Ford F-150
pick-up truck. And then...

You used to bang this dude?

(MOUTHING) Yeah.

-No. I'm actually engaged now.
-Whoa. Okay.

-So I have a...
-Okay. Yeah. No, that's cool.

-I see that.
-(CLEARS THROAT) ...fiance.

Yep. That's okay.
Great. Thank you. Wow.

I'm happy for you, Huang.
That's awesome.

-Oh, man. Hey.
-(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-I'm happy you're puttin' that

big ol' mouth of yours to
good use, huh? (CHUCKLES)

-(AUDREY LAUGHS)
-Good seeing you.

-(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
-You all have a good night.

-Good seeing ya.
-Yeah, you too.

-Yeah. (LAUGHS)
-Okay.

(CHUCKLING) Hoo-hoo-hoo.

So we know what's
happening tonight.

No, no. I'm not hooking up
with Todd, okay? Okay?

I am not horny at all.

The coke that literally just
exploded inside my butthole

has no effect
on me whatsoever.

Um, I am gonna go now.

Have fun DJing
in between your legs tonight.
(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING)

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

Oh, shit. (CHUCKLES)
Baron just texted me.

Okay. Promise me

-you'll have some fun tonight.
-Okay.

All right, hit the bar.
Let loose, okay?

Okay. Great.

-Linsanity!
-(AUDREY CLEARS THROAT)

Lin... Oh, Lin-Manuel Miranda?

So much to learn.

Finally, those two
fuckin' losers are gone.

Now it's just two cool cats.

Dynamic duo.
Thelma and Louise.

-We hangin' or what?
-I actually have a lot of...

I gotta do some work.

Yeah. Study buddies.
MVP of group projects.

I actually really need
some alone time.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um...

No, but you should...
You should have some fun.

-Yeah.
-They seem really nice.

You should go...
Oh, my God. Wait, look.

He has a BTS shirt on.
You should go talk to him.

-Really?
-Yeah.

No.

I... Okay.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow,
okay? Get some sleep.

Okay. See you.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't speak Chinese.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I'm Kenny. Uh, this is Arvind.

I think he wanted
to buy you a drink.

-But he only speaks Chinese.
-Oh. (CHUCKLES)

And Hindi, which I'm assuming
you don't speak.

Oh, no. (CHUCKLES)
I don't. Sorry, I'm...

I'm just a garbage American
who only speaks English.

And a little Gollum.

(MIMICKING GOLLUM)
"My precious!"

"They are filthy Hobbitses!"

-Do you guys have that here?
-Uh, yeah, we have.

It's all over the world.

-Right.
-Yeah. Um...

(IN MANDARIN)

(CLEARS THROAT)

-(PANTING)
-(KEYPAD CLACKING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SIGHS)

-(CHUCKLES)
-Shit.

Hey.

Hello. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

It's hot in here, huh?

The AC broken or somethin'?

Oh, my God.

-(SHRIEKS)
-TODD: Whoa.

Lolo.

-Baron.
-What's up?

KENNY: (IN ENGLISH)
One more round of Yobo, please.

And I know China is supposed
to be my homeland but...

I don't know.
Ever since I got here,

I just, I feel like I'm doing
everything wrong.

Firstly, there is no way
to do Chinese wrong.

-Right. (LAUGHS)
-But secondly,

what's the one thing
you've been saying the most?

-I don't know.
-"I."

You've been saying,
"I can't eat the food."

"I am doing everything wrong."

It's not about that.
The thing is, in China,

the collective is much bigger
than the individual,

all right?
It's like me and Arvind.

We're not from here.

But now we call this
our home. Right?

See? He teaches me some Hindi,

I taught him
how to fuck spiders.

(LAUGHS) What?

-It's an Australian thing.
-Huh?

KENNY: But you just gotta
give it some time

and find your people.

That was really insightful.

(GRUNTS) Wait.

You and this Clarence dude
have been dating

for over three years

-and never had sex?
-(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Kat Huang I knew in college
couldn't last three days.

That is all in the past.

(EXHALES) I am different now.

Katherine Huang has got
her shit together.

TODD: I get it.

I was bangin' so many random
girls after every game.

-(GYM EQUIPMENT CREAKING)
-So many.

And I just thought to myself,

"Man, you gotta cut
this shit out."

-Like...
-(GYM EQUIPMENT CREAKING)

...I gotta get serious

if I'm ever gonna find
a real one, you know?

Kinda like what you
and Clarice have.

His name is actually,
uh, Clarence but...

-(THUDS)
-(YELPS) Oh! Ow!

-Fuck!
-Are you okay?

(INHALES SHARPLY)
Uh, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.

I probably just, uh...
Uh, just pulled something.

Let's get you off. Come on.
Hop up. Hop up.

(WINCING)

Breathe. Breathe.
Come on. Up, up.

Yeah. Okay.
You're doin' great.

(WINCES) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh. Okay.

-Okay.
-(GROANS IN PAIN)

I actually have something
that might help.

KAT: Okay.

TODD: Okay.

May I?

Uh... (PANTS)

(SWITCH CLICKS)

(WHIRRING)

Yeah.

LOLO: This is what
I've been working on.

BARON: (CHUCKLES)
You're such a great artist.

How do you come up
with this stuff?

I just want people
to be more body positive.

You know, sex isn't shameful.

It's beautiful.
Like, the noises?

-Yeah.
-Come on. (SLURPING)

(BOTH SLURPING)

-(GAGGING)
-(BARON WHEEZING)

(BOTH GROANING IN PAIN)

-(PANTING RAPIDLY)
-(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

-(COUGHING, WHEEZING)
-(GRUNTING)

-(LAUGHING, SLURPING)
-(GROANING)

-I'm into that shit too.
-Look, at first,

I know my art seems like
it's for shock value.

-But...
-Mmm-hmm.

...I'm just tryin' to get
the conversation going.

(BAD GOSSIP BY VAVA PLAYING)

(SPEAKS HINDI)

He says he really likes you.

Well, I like him too.

I like both of you.

God, I wish there were
more of you guys

when I was growing up.

Maybe I would've had
an Asian boyfriend by now.

Or two.

-(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-(ARVIND SPEAKING HINDI)

God, that's so hot.

He said he wants to
make you scream.

Will you tell him I love that

but maybe it'd be better
if his friend joined in.

-Tongue. Lips.
-(GROANING)

-Tongue. Faster.
-(CONTINUES GROANING)

-TODD: Breathe with me.
-(KAT BREATHING HEAVILY)

(EXHALES)

You feelin' that?

(MOANING) Ah!

TODD: Let it in.

Do you like hair pulling?

I love it.

-(BOTH GROANING IN PAIN)
-Yeah, you like that?

-(ARVIND SPEAKS HINDI)
-No!

-Now give me the basketball.
-What?

Just give it to me!

(GRUNTS, MOANS)

(CONTINUES MOANING)

-(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
-(AUDREY MOANING)

Audrey,
I just heard you haven't

closed the ChinaWave deal.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.

-Hi, Frank. (GRUNTS)
-Who the fuck is Frank?

Yeah, no,
it's as good as done.

Um, I just need until Friday
to make it official.

Okay, we're not payin' you
to be on vacation out there.

Don't worry. I'm very...
(GASPS) Very close.

Hell yeah, you are.
You're about to finish,

so just keep grinding.
Bend over backwards

-if you have to.
-Yeah, okay. Okay.

-(GROWLING)
-(LOLO SHOUTING IN MANDARIN)

(MOANING)

(MOANING)

(BALL POPS, HISSES)

-Whoa.
-I want you to feel this too.

-(BUZZING)
-(TODD SCREAMING IN PAIN)

(SCREAMING)

(MOANING LOUDLY) Ah!

-(AUDREY CONTINUES MOANING)
-(BOTH SCREAMING IN PAIN)

-(YELLING IN PAIN)
-(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

(ALL MOANING, SCREAMING)

-KAT: Sugar, anyone?
-I'll have some.

One lump or two lumps?

-Two.
-(INHALES SHARPLY)

-Oop.
-(BOTH CHUCKLING)

So, how was everyone's night?

-Restful. I feel rested.
-Mmm-hmm.

The beds are comfortable here.

(SHOUTING) Lolo!
What the fuck happened?

Jiaying, torn hamstring.

Arvind, Ken, concussions.

Todd, shattered
fucking pelvis!

Hello, kitty Kat.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY, PURRS)

You and your girls
destroyed our team.

Now I have to go
play the game by myself.

Get y'all ass on the bus.

(MOUTHING) Sorry.

(KAT CLEARS THROAT)

Wait, you were supposed to be
our ride, remember?

-Oh, shit.
-What are we gonna do?

You know what?
We've gotten this far.

We'll figure it out.

(ONE NIGHT BY GRIFF PLAYING)

♪ How long can I leave

♪ The lights
in the ceiling on?

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

♪ And the static from the TV

♪ Keeps me company
'til I'm gone

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

You think
she's gonna fuck him too?

-Oh, yeah.
-(AUDREY LAUGHING)

♪ 'Cause I rock
back and forth

♪ Reciting words
that I've said wrong

(SIGHS) It is
so beautiful here.

I love China. (CHUCKLES)

Do you hear me?

Wo ai China.

Should we tell her that
there's a bug on her jacket?

-LOLO: Mmm-mmm.
-(SHRIEKING)

♪ What are you running from?

♪ Oh, maybe there's something
in the midnight hours

♪ The midnight hours,
you know?

♪ Or maybe there's something
in the dead of night

AUDREY: How old is our driver?

Twelve, counting
the Chinese way. So 11.

AUDREY: I don't understand,
but I love it!

♪ One night, one night

♪ Where it's just me alone♪

AUDREY: So you're sure
it's okay for us

to stay at your
grandma's house?

LOLO: Of course. But just know
that they're a lot.

(ALL SHOUTING EXCITEDLY
IN MANDARIN)

-(ALL SPEAKING MANDARIN)
-(WOMAN LAUGHING)

(ALL SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(IN REGIONAL DIALECT)

(NAI NAI CHUCKLING)

(IN ENGLISH) Very good.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Wait.

-What, what's he saying?
-They think

you're very beautiful.

And any mother, uh,

would be lucky
to have you as a daughter.

Thank... Thank you.

Uh, Xie... Xiexie.

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, have some
chocolate. This a favorite.

This is the chocolate of
"Chinese" Chinese people.

Shit. This means
she likes you.

If you see Russell Stover,
you're fucked.

-(IN MANDARIN)
-NAI NAI: (IN ENGLISH) Okay.

In this house, you are family.

ALL: Ganbei!

(UPBEAT FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(IN MANDARIN)

Whoa. Okay.

(DEADEYE LAUGHS)

(IN MANDARIN)

So, is this a Chinese card game?

No, I just made it up
to win their money.

I tell them
it's an American game.

(IN MANDARIN)

Ah?

(IN ENGLISH) Hey, Deadeye.

Why you so grumpy?

You should smile more.

-Like Audrey.
-Oh.

(NAI NAI SPEAKING MANDARIN)

It's nice that you have
such a big family.

I'm not really like my family.

Well, you and me, both.

Really?

I feel like you and your
parents are kinda the same.

I mean, you're basically white.
No offense.

I'm Chinese, I'm not white.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry.
I say so many stupid things.

That's why my family thinks

I'm socially awkward
and too weird.

You think I am too.

-No, I don't.
-I heard you in the airport.

No, I, I didn't mean that. It...

It... It's okay.

I'm used to it.

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH)
You know why I like K-pop?

No. Why?

Because it likes me back.

Yeah, it's not
just awesome songs,

it's about what we created
because we love the music.

It's about us.

AUDREY: I've never thought
about it that way.

-The... The community.
-But it's not real.

I haven't met any of them.

I just talk to them online.
I don't have any real friends.

-Well, we're friends.
-Really?

'Cause we're gonna be home
in a couple of days.

Do you actually think
we're gonna hang out?

-Yeah, we could. Of course.
-I don't know.

Everyone likes you. You're cool.

Your hair smells
like a cookie.

-Your life is perfect.
-(SNIFFS)

Well, it's not.

But sometimes
even I feel like... (STUTTERS)

You... You know,
I don't really belong either.

You know?

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH)
So, so what kind of music
do you like to listen to?

I mean, I love Mumford & Sons.

Uh, The National.

-Maroon Five. The best.
-Yes.

-T Swift is my...
-Uh-huh.

I've really been
liking Cardi B.

-I love Cardi B.
-Oh, cool.

Yeah. You know, K-pop owes
so much to hip-hop.

(IN MANDARIN)

Suck it, Bao Bao!

MAN: Bao Bao! (CHUCKLES)

-You in that thing yet?
-Almost.

It's nice of Nai Nai
to let me borrow this.

Yeah. You're lucky
she likes you.

-She doesn't like anyone.
-Well, I like her, too.

I like your whole family, Lo.

It's funny, all night
I kept thinking about

what it'd be like
if I'd grown up here.

-Mmm.
-I'd be like everyone else,

you know?

People wouldn't stare at me
at the grocery store.

Or ask my parents
where they got me from.

I wouldn't always
just be the Asian girl.

You know, I could,
I could be the smart girl.

Or... or the nice, funny girl.

I wonder if I'd still feel
like I had to be perfect

all the time just to belong.

I don't know. Maybe my whole
life would be different.

I don't think it'd be
that much different.

Wow, bitch.

It's nice, right?

China looks good on you.

I kind of love it. (CHUCKLES)

-Hey, thanks.
-For what?

I'm so grateful that
you pushed me to do this.

I don't think I could have
done it without you.

-I got you.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Ooh. Wow!

(GASPS, LAUGHS)
You look gorgeous.

You know,
I wore that dress the night

I was deflowered
by the love of my life.

-Aw. Grandpa?
-No.

Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's it.

KAT: You ready?

Okay.

Hey!

(IN CANTONESE)

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN CANTONESE)

(IN MANDARIN)

Oh. Hi. My, my name is Audrey.

I'm... I'm looking
for my mother.

LOLO: (IN ENGLISH)
You brought the picture?

Yeah, I just...

thought it would be nice
to have in China.

(IN CANTONESE)

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) She knew you.

(IN CANTONESE)

Does she know my mother?

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN CANTONESE)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

AUDREY: What is she saying?

Okay, what's, what's going on?

Does she know where my mom is?

(WOMAN IN CANTONESE)

(IN ENGLISH) You, Korea girl.

Uh...

Your mom's name is Min Park.

That... That's a mistake.

I'm... I'm Chinese.

I... I went to Chinese school
for a year.

I... I... We... We celebrated
Chinese New Year's. I...

But Korea's great. I mean,
there's... There's mukbang,

soju, Hyundai, Gangnam Style,

half of Hines Ward,
half of Charles Melton,

all of Randall Park.

(IN CANTONESE)

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

(IN ENGLISH)
I want my dress back.

(IN MANDARIN)

(ALL SIGHING)

(NAI NAI IN CANTONESE)

(IN ENGLISH)
Stop being so racist!

(GRANDPA CHEN
SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN MANDARIN)

My whole life has been wrong.

(DOOR SHUTS)

It hasn't.

We're only friends because
my parents were, like,

"Ooh, another little
Chinese girl."

In everyone's defense,

we were the only
Asian people in town.

So we still
would've been friends.

White people
don't know the difference.

-My parents are white.
-DEADEYE: So what
if you're Korean?

We all end up in the same place.

Walking around town
with our hands

behind our back, like this.

LOLO: That's enough.
That's enough.

Fuck this. (SIGHS)

I mean...

This whole birth mom
journey is bullshit.

(AUDREY BREATHES HEAVILY)

You know what?

(SMACKS LIPS)
I only wanted to find her

to close this
fucking business deal.

I don't actually give a shit

if I'm a Korean lawyer
or a Chinese lawyer

or a fucking German lawyer,
because I'm a lawyer.

And I'm goin' to
finish this job.

This is all a lot, you know?

You don't have to
think about work right now.

This says
she's in Seoul, right?

-That's what you said earlier?
-KAT: Uh, yeah.

Okay. So, if we go to
Seoul right now,

I could still find her
and bring her back in time

-to go to Chao's dinner.
-But there are probably, like,

ten thousand Min Parks
in Korea.

Yes, but we have
all of her info right here.

We can hire
a private investigator

-to track her down.
-I'm so in.

Thank you. Thank you, Deadeye.
You're an amazing friend.

Lolo, are you in?

I mean, this is what
you wanted, right?

-I'm in. I'm in, yeah.
-Yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Let's go.

Passports. Passports.
Where are our passports?

Oh, they are in my suitcase
that got stolen.

We don't need fuckin' passports.
Let's go.

Let's think.
No bad ideas. Let's go.

We could flash
our titties and just

-hitchhike the whole way.
-That's a bad idea.

We could take
a rocket to space

and then try to land in Korea.
No customs in the atmosphere.

I feel like that's worse.

Okay, uh, we become
mail-order brides,

uh, and then we...
We find a really big envelope

and then we could just...
(WHOOSHES)

I fuckin' love that spirit,
Deadeye.

-Just keep thinking.
-We take coke again

-and we just sprint.
-(TUTS) No more coke!

Let's go. Let's go. Come on.
Come on, guys.

-We could swim there.
-Okay.

Yeah. How, how long can you
hold your breath?

That's it! That's it!
I can't do it anymore!

Not long enough. Okay, look.
Ready? Ready? Ready?

You know who can
bypass airport security?

-The Obamas.
-Yes. And K-pop stars.

(CHUCKLES)
We are not K-pop stars.

Not yet, we aren't.

(FLOWER BY QUEEN WA$ABII
PLAYING)

So, are we sure
this is gonna work?

BTS Army always comes through.

@Jinderalla88 said
we should be good to go.

Just act confident.
We're Brownie Tuesday.

We're a brand-new group.

We just did our debut
in Shanghai.

Our first single has
nine million downloads.

Everyone remember their names?

-Sassy.
-Cutie.

-Lisa.
-Lisa "two".

-We got this.
-We got this.

Where are your passports?

-We're Brownie Tuesday.
-Yeah. We signed with

Hit Bang Entertainment
last week. That's our jet.

OFFICER: Where are your
travel documents?

Do you even know
the name of your booking?

Yeah. Uh, @Jinderalla88.

Please leave.

I thought you said
your friend set this up.

I knew it.

They're just online friends.
They're not real friends.

No, no. It's okay.

We'll figure
something else out.

No, no.
This always happens to me.

I make friends,
but they never come through.

No one wants to be my friend.

This is all so

-fucking stupid.
-(VEHICLES APPROACHING)

LOLO: Deadeye, look.

Deadeye?

@Jinderalla88?

Yes, honey. The one and only.

Okay, slay.

You'd make V very proud.

I'm pretending
to be your manager.

We even brought you fans!

(FANS CHEERING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Give it up for
Brownie Tuesday!

(SCREAMING, CHEERING)

Hi.

Can they get on their jet now?

I don't believe
these girls are singers.

XING XING: I can
assure you that these are

professional idols.
And they've been training

since they were
14 and 15 years old.

Girls, show them.

Um, what, what?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

-Show them what?
-LOLO: Uh, just show 'em.

DEADEYE: Well, just show them.

Hello? What are supposed
to show?

(WHISPERING)
You're a fan of Cardi B, right?

Yeah, but is she here?

Just pretend that you're back
in the Tootles.

Trust me.

(SCATTING)

(BEATBOXES)

This is gonna be hot.
Livestream this.

(BEATBOXING CONTINUES)

♪ There's some whores
in this house

♪ There's some whores
in this house

♪ There's some whores
in this house

♪ There's some whores
in this house

♪ You'll go whore
Cha, cha, cha

♪ You'll go whore
Cha, cha, cha

♪ You'll go whore
Cha, cha, cha

♪ You'll go whore
Cha, cha, cha

♪ There's some whores
in this cha

♪ I'm a certified freak

♪ Seven days a week

♪ Wet ass pussy
Hear this AZN speak

♪ Yeah, you fuckin'
with some

-♪ Wet ass pussy
-♪ Wet ass pussy

♪ Gimme everything you got
for this wet ass pussy

LOLO: ♪ Wet ass pussy

♪ Beat it up, Lolo,
catch a charge

♪ Kumon smart and Kumon hard

♪ Put this pussy
on a girl named Grace

♪ Who got them A's
on a report card

♪ Hop on top, I wanna ride

♪ In a rice rocket
that's a Hyundai

♪ Cut up that duck,
don't cut up the eyes

♪ This pussy is wet,
we know how to dive

-♪ Olympics
-♪ Thai me up

-♪ Like I'm tea iced
-♪ Let's go play

♪ Just not on the slide

♪ I want you to park
that plastic couch

♪ Right in this dusty garage

(SINGING IN OTHER LANGUAGE)

-♪ Out in public
-♪ Don't make a scene

♪ I don't cook
I don't clean

♪ I will fuck you up
if you call me Ching

MALE SINGER: ♪ There's
some whores in this house

♪ House, house, house

ALL: ♪ Take off your shoes
in the house

♪ For this wet ass pussy

♪ Now drink a soju
and a Hite

♪ For this wet ass pussy

♪ Ask my permission
just to kiss me

♪ On this wet ass pussy

♪ It's an honor to be Asian
with this wet ass pussy♪

-(WOMAN 1 GASPS)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(WOMAN 2 EXCLAIMS IN MANDARIN)

Ow. (CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES)
What the fuck is that?

(WOMAN 2
EXCLAIMING IN MANDARIN)

-(MOUTHING) Oh, my God.
-(FANS GASPING)

KAT: Nothing. I'm...
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Your pussy's the devil?

That is way bigger
than I expected.

No wonder you won't
have sex with Clarence.

-That thing is massive.
-AUDREY: It's huge.

The artist did really
impressive work, Kat.

You don't understand.
I've tried lasers,

I've tried skin grafts and,

and nothing...
Nothing will take.

My vagina is the devil.

And she is here to stay.

Kat, it's gonna be okay.
It'll be okay.

It will not be okay.
It's on the inside too.

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(YELLS) Oh, Clar.

(SHUDDERING BREATHS)
Clarence.

I came for you.

-Wait, no, I can explain.
-No, I...

Who are you?

(CRYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

KAT: Clarence, no.

Clarence, no!

Fuck! What am I gonna do?

You have caused
a public disturbance!

And committed
an indecent exposure!

-We know.
-You must leave. Now!

(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) Okay.

Okay. Not to worry.
Not to worry.

Plan B. Plan B.

Do you guys have another jet?

(GO AWAY BY
CHONG THE NOMAD PLAYING)

♪ Ayo, lil' bitch
Get the fuck outta here

(GOATS BLEATING)

-(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
-(KAT SHRIEKS)

♪ We just wanna have
a good time

(CHICKENS CLUCKING LOUDLY)

Those chickens have to stop.

♪ That is not
your open invitation ♪

-(DEADEYE IMITATES CHICKENS)
-(NECK SNAPS)

Deadeye, did you just
kill the chicken?

-No.
-(GOAT BLEATS)

(CHUCK BY CL PLAYING)

AUDREY: Okay, the agency's
right down that way.

DEADEYE: Coffee in
cute bear cups?

My treat?

Oh, finally.
There's good Wi-Fi here.

-All my emails are coming in.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

I can see if Clarence
texted me back.

-(SPEAKING KOREAN)
-(PHONE CAMERA CLICKING)

-(REPEATS IN KOREAN)
-Oh. (CHUCKLING)

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

-I did...
-(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, I didn't know I had fans
here. That's kinda nice.

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKING)

Wait, they love you here.

(GREETS IN KOREAN)

So, um, I think
maybe some people

picked up my livestream.

(IN MANDARIN)

-What?
-It... It's okay.

I'm sure it's not going viral
or anything.

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
-(IN TAGALOG)

(IN JAPANESE)

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. I am fucked!

There's already a meme
with Tweety Bird saying,

-"I thought I thaw..."
-Don't say it!

-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Weird. Chao's calling me.

Hi, Chao.
So good to hear from you.

My mother and I were actually
just talking about you.

-Do not bother coming.
-What?

I saw the video of you
and your friend's

-devil vagina.
-Let me explain.

It's actually, it...
It's so hilarious.

You're gonna love this story.
It's...

-Um...
-You lied to me.

You told me you're in Beijing
with your mother.

But that's clearly not true.

I cannot do business
with someone

who's not who they
say they are.

Please. Just...
Just hear me out.

No, I've already
made up my mind.

I will tell your boss
that we are not

-going to sign.
-But, when you talk to Frank

can you please
just not mention

-the whole video thing?
-I already saw it.

-Shit!
-FRANK: I didn't know

you were this shady, Audrey.

I mean, that is the last time
that I take a chance

on someone like you.

Again, I mean associate,
not an Asian.

-Anyway, you're fired.
-What?

Frank. No...
I... I can fix this.

I'm still an ally though.

I fired a white guy
earlier this week.

Did the exact same thing.

Okay, Frank. Frank?
Frank, don't hang up.

(CRYING) I'm gonna get fired
from my show.

And my movie.

And I'm never gonna go to LA.

It's okay.
It's not the end of the world.

No, it literally is
the end of the world.

(CRIES)

Clarence and I were gonna rent
a house in Malibu.

And we were gonna be
one of those couples

who meditate every single day
and tell people about it

because that is what
people do in Los Angeles.

-(CRYING)
-It's okay.

And Audrey was gonna
hang out with us

all the time when
she moved there.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Audrey was gonna
move out to LA?

Once she closed the deal
and got promoted.

(KAT CONTINUES CRYING)

Why didn't you tell me
about LA?

-Lolo, I can't right now.
-What was your plan?

Were you just gonna move out
and never say anything?

It's not happening anymore.

I just got fired.

-KAT AND LOLO: What?
-Chao saw the video.

-Your video.
-Yeah, well, whatever.

Fuck them.
You'll get a new job.

-It's not that easy.
-For you, it will be.

Just go to the country club
where you play squash at.

I'm pretty sure one of those
white guys will give you a job

-in, like, two seconds.
-What the fuck?

I worked hard for that job.

You know what? This is all
your fucking fault.

DEADEYE: Four bears
for four best friends.

Cappuccino is for Audrey

because she doesn't like
to try anything weird.

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)

-She's the best. (CHUCKLES)
-You're a fucking idiot.

Telling Chao that
I knew my birth mom.

Dragging us all over
the Chinese countryside.

I was doing this for you.

No. You were doing it
for yourself.

You still think we're kids
on some dumb grand adventure.

Well, grow the fuck up, Lolo.
The rest of us are adults.

You're still a fucking child.
Okay, my life is ruined.

Your life is ruined?

My life is ruined, okay?

You can always find another
fucking desk job, okay?

I can never find
another Clarence.

And whose fault is that?

Maybe you should've
been honest with him

from the beginning instead of
lying every single day

for the past three years.

Whoa, what the fuck?
That's her business.

And since when are you
the spokesperson for honesty?

Okay, so are... Are you two
best friends now?

What, like Lilo and Stitch?

(IMITATES STITCH)

You fuckin' suck
at impressions.

(IN KOREAN)

Go fuck yourself!

I'll knock
your teeth out, bitch!

(CURSING IN KOREAN)

I am an actress.

And even I am less
self-involved than you are.

Huh.

-Kat.
-You know what? Kat's right.

You've been a shitty friend.

This entire time,
I was helping you

so you could get
promoted and leave me?

-I was doing it for my career.
-Why?

I mean, you're always talkin'
about how you feel like

-you don't belong there.
-I don't belong anywhere.

I'm clearly not white,

but you're always
telling me that I am.

And I'm also not Asian enough.
At least not for you.

That's all in your head!
Your life is perfect!

How is my life perfect

when I spend all my time
babysitting a grown-ass

-29-year-old woman?
-I'm babysitting you!

I've been saving your ass
since we were kids

-on the playground.
-You've never, ever

applied yourself, Lolo.

You wanna be a real artist?
Then grow up!

Right now, you're just
a barnacle with a cute hobby!

Yo, I may be a barnacle,
but at least I know who I am.

You know what?

If we didn't grow up

as the only two
Asian girls in town,

we never would've
been friends.

(AUDREY GASPS)

-Sorry.
-WOMAN: Thank you so much
for waiting.

-(SIGHS)
-We found the record

-of your birth mother.
-Oh, my gosh.

I... I can't read this. Um...

So do I call her or...

I... I'm sorry, I'd...
I don't know how this works.

I'm so sorry
to tell you that...

she's passed away.

(QUIET BY KINA GRANNIS
PLAYING)

I have the address
of where she was buried

if you would like
to visit her.

No. I'm, uh, um...

Do you have friend here?

-Someone you can call?
-No. Uh, it's okay. Thank you.

Thank... Thank, thank you,
thank you so much. Thank you.

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(SOFT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ If I could let you
in my skin

♪ Then you would know

(SHUDDERING BREATHS)

♪ The state I'm in

(LINE RINGING)

(CRYING) Hi.

Hi, Dad.

♪ Every end

♪ Sometimes it's hard
for me to see

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

♪ Anything else
but stormy seas

CLARENCE: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
Hey, it's Clarence.

Jesus loves you.
Leave a message.

-(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
-Uh, hi.

I know you never wanna talk
to me again, but, um...

I hope you will listen.

I wanna be 100% honest
about everything and...

and, well,
everyone I've ever done.

I guess we'll start
with the A's.

♪ I didn't know it was fine

♪ To be quiet

♪ Quiet

♪ To be quiet

♪ Quiet ♪

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I don't... I don't speak Korean.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(IN ENGLISH) That's okay.

My name's Dae Han.

I'm Min Young's husband.

You must be the daughter.

Wait. Are...

Are you my...

No.

But I'm glad
to finally meet you.

We were only married
a few years before
she fell sick.

I'm so sorry.

They were good years.

We never had
kids of our own though.

I'm very sorry
I wasn't able to introduce you

to a little brother
or sister today.

(CHUCKLES) It's okay.

DAE: She always talked
about you though.

You know,
she was just a teenager

when she got pregnant.

Her boyfriend didn't
want to get in trouble,

and he denied it.

So, her parents sent her to
China until you were born.

They're the ones who forced
her to give you up.

But she never stopped
thinking about you.

If I tried to find her sooner

maybe she and I could...

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

But it's too late.

There's something
you should see.

When she got sick,
she wanted to throw a party.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

So, we rented a boat

and we sailed out
to Yeouido Park.

Uh, that's right along
the Han River.

Several of us got seasick

-on the way...
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

...which she thought
was pretty hilarious.

-(DAE LAUGHS)
-(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

But it was beautiful.

She got to say goodbye
to everybody she loved.

Except for you.

So she made you this.

(CLICKS)

-(SPEAKING KOREAN)
-(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

(MIN AND DAE
CONVERSING IN KOREAN)

(GREETS IN KOREAN)

(IN ENGLISH) Hi. I'm Min.

Sorry, my English is not good.

DAE: What are you
talking about?

Your English is very good.

(MIN SPEAKING KOREAN)

(IN ENGLISH) I am sorry

I could not be
part of your life.

I want to very much.

But when you were baby,

you smile so big.

And you cry so big. (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS SOFTLY)

I wonder what
you are like now.

Are you doctor?

-Lawyer? Teacher?
-(SHUDDERING BREATHS)

But it doesn't matter.

I'm proud to be your mother.

DAE: (LAUGHS)
It doesn't matter?

-That's not what you told me.
-(MIN SIGHS)

-(SPEAKING KOREAN)
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(IN ENGLISH) I hope
this message find you.

And...

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

(IN ENGLISH) My daughter...

I love you.

(CHUCKLES)

(CRYING)

(CONTINUES CRYING)

I'm sorry.

Well, glad we got a chance
to spend some time together.

Me, too.

Really have to go so soon?

Yeah, but I'll be back.

Um...

Thank you so much again
for everything.

And honestly,
I'm just so lucky that you

happen to be
at her grave that day.

Well, I appreciate that,
but, uh, it wasn't quite luck.

Your friends messaged me.

Uh...

Lolo, Kat, and... I know
I'm gonna get this one wrong.

Uh, Deadeye?

Yeah. Oh, um...

Yeah, my... My parents
must've told them.

Yeah, they told me that
you were actually in Korea

and that I might find you
if I went to the graveyard.

They didn't tell you
any of this, did they?

Oh, no. We, um...

It's just, we got into
a little bit of a fight.

And, uh, I...

I lost my job
and I said some...

really terrible things
to all of them and, uh...

It may not be
any of my business,

but it seems to me that
what matters the most

is if your friends love
you enough to forgive you.

-Well...
-And if they went through
all this trouble,

I think they would.

Where are they now?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Kat.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Listen, I... I'm sorry about
everything that happened. I...

No. No.
No, no, no, no, no. I...

I listened to your voicemail.

The whole three hours of it.

I appreciate the honesty.

Truth of it is,
I kind of figured

that you'd had sex before.

You know, you're just
so sensual, and worldly

and one time I saw your
browser history and...

It's not like I didn't
wanna have sex.

I was just so worried

that I wouldn't live up
to your expectations.

And then
when I saw your tattoo,

I just got
crazy intimidated and...

Look, Kat, when we kiss,

I have to leave
space for Jesus.

I gotta leave that God gap

because I'm gonna
ruin my pants.

Every time.

That's why I wear
three pairs of underwear.

Oh, honey. I love you so much

that I gave up the thing
I love second most for you.

-(SIGHS)
-And I love dick.

I can be dick.

And I can love you.
I can do both.

So, should we have sex
right now?

-Ah. Ooh. Ooh. Oh.
-Ah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

what's happening?
What's happening?
What's happening?

Ha... Save... No... (GRUNTS)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Saved it.

-Saved it.
-Mmm.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Thanks, Jin Ho.

Heard you got into med school.

So proud.

Here you go. Hot and steamy.

Let me know
if you want hot sauce.

I'll get you the Chinese kind.

Pretty sure you can handle it.

-Hi.
-You had me at "Hi."

AUDREY: (CHUCKLING) Oh.

Hi.

I didn't know
you worked here now.

I don't. I'm just covering
'cause Jing's out sick.

I'm trying to match her vibe.
What do you think?

(SHOUTING) Number 32!
Number 32!

Party of two!

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, that's good.

-Lolo.
-Sorry. I'm so sorry. Um...

She doesn't wanna talk to you.

Yeah, I figured
when I left her, like,

ten messages and she didn't
call me back.

Sorry.

Family first. Have to do it.
Respectfully, of course.

Yeah, no, I know. I know.

-Good to see you.
-Good to see you, too.

(OVER MICROPHONE) Lolo! Lolo!
No, no, no. Lolo! Stop.

No, no, no. Hey! Hey!
Break! Break! Stop!

-Sorry. I'm so sorry.
-(FEEDBACK WHINES)

Sorry, everyone.

Enjoy your meal.

Um, it's, it's just that
everything's a mess

and it's all my fault.

Ever since we were kids,

I was this scared little girl

who always felt like she had
to prove herself to everyone

except for you.

You were always
looking out for me.

With you was the only time
I felt safe to be me.

Even though I didn't know
who the hell I was. (CHUCKLES)

But you've always been
comfortable being you.

And you tried to make me feel
that way too.

You know me better
than I know myself.

I...

You were right. I hated
working at that law firm.

But... Thanks to you, I can do
something more meaningful.

Start my own practice.

Because I know that
I'm brave enough now.

Hell yeah.

She had a devil's threesome
in China.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-MAN: Huh? What?

-(WOMAN LAUGHING)
-(SOFTLY) I did.

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Lolo, it's so great

that you are working here.

And I'm so proud
of you for that

but you are an incredible,
true artist.

You cannot give that up
just because

I am a lying, hurtful,
stupid failure of a friend.

Audrey, I haven't given up.
Look.

My wall of licky cats.

I just sold one yesterday.

I'm only waiting tables
for now so I'm not
such a barnacle.

You've always been
a better friend to me

than I have been to you.
And I'm so, so sorry.

Just shut up. Okay?

You're the best friend
I could ever ask for.

The biggest support system.

And I'm sorry. I'm the one
that's fuckin' sorry.

I took you for granted.

So, does that mean
you forgive me?

(CHUCKLES) Come here, bitch.

-(AUDREY LAUGHING)
-(ALL APPLAUDING)

Friendship.

Party of three?

Oh, my God. Get in here.

-LOLO: Deadeye.
-(AUDREY CHUCKLING)

We're back, baby!

Wait, are we all back?

Have you and Kat
started talkin' again?

Yeah, I called her to apologize.

But wait, does that mean
you and Kat were talking?

We've been in touch.

-We're like this.
-AUDREY: Mmm.

So, we should all go on
a trip again, the four of us.

To beautiful South Dakota.
Home of the Corn Palace.

-AUDREY: Yeah.
-Bookmark it.

Kat and I actually
had a place in mind.

Bonjour!

Look at us! Look at us!

Our second
annual best friends trip.

This is gonna be iconic.

Let's start with some
art and culture.

KAT: Oh, I love Roldan.

LOLO: I gotta say, the French
know how to sculpt a titty.

DEADEYE: I love art.

AUDREY: Oh, that's gonna be
so much fun.

DEADEYE: Art. Art. Art.

So, is anyone hungry?

-Yes. Please.
-I am.

AUDREY: I want to try escargot.

LOLO: You know, we don't
have to eat French food.

-This is so good.
-KAT: I love this bulgogi.

AUDREY: Mmm.
LOLO: Mmm.

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-LOLO: Okay, okay. A toast.

To Audrey. Badass boss bitch

-starting her own firm.
-Yes, she is!

To our dearest Deadeye.

Because they host the most
incredible game night

specifically so I can
crush them at Catan.

-(KAT CHUCKLES)
-And to Kat

who's in a movie
directed by the Greta Gerwig.

-Yes, she is!
-(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay. And to our very own
Frida Kah-Lolo...

-Aw.
-(KAT CHUCKLES)

...whose lotus collection
is finally at the MOCA.

Well, it's not the Museum of
Contemporary Arts

but it is a cafe in Snohomish.
So ganbei to that.

ALL: Ganbei!

-AUDREY AND KAT: Mmm.
-I don't wanna hijack

our second annual
best friends trip

but Clar-Bear and I looking at
fall dates for the wedding

and I was just wondering...

will you all be
my bridal party?

-LOLO: Really? Of course.
-Of course, we will.

AUDREY: Duh!
LOLO: Ooh!

The bridal party should all get
matching tattoos like Kat.

Okay, very funny.

-Very funny. Ha-ha.
-(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL: Ganbei!

AUDREY: Mmm.

Mmm. Or we could get a tattoo
of the Chinese flag

to commemorate the motherland.

Or Princess Peach.
I haven't decided.

I think I'm gonna get
an Eiffel Tower.

LOLO: Because Paris?
AUDREY: No, the...

LOLO: Hmm. Yeah.

KAT: Yeah, like you all are
gonna get tattoos.

DEADEYE:
What if I already got one?

(ALL LAUGHING)

I already got one.

-KAT: You did not.
-LOLO AND AUDREY: What?

Wanna see?

(UNZIPS PANTS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

It lights up.

ALL: Ooh!

(DEMONSTRATE BY RANIA PLAYING)

♪ What cha think
you're doin', baby?

♪ Speed up

♪ I'm gonna take you high

♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate

♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate

♪ Come on, come on, baby

♪ Now come and get this

♪ Baby, I know, I know
you really want it

♪ I'm gonna take you high

♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate

♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate

♪ Come on, come on, baby

♪ Now come and get this

♪ Baby, I know, I know
you really want it

♪ So can you take me high

♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate

♪ Demonstrate, demonstrate

♪ Come on, come on, baby

♪ Now come and get this

♪ Baby, I know, I know
you really want it♪

(JUICY BY RAMENGVRL PLAYING)