All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S05E18.2001.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal.

First of all,
let's welcome Liza.

-She starts today.
-Hello! Leading!

-Can I play?
-My johnson!

I took the liberty of hiring
another associate.

Wilson, hi.

Did you wrap your penis with
a slice of American cheese...

and douse it with ketchup?

Our therapist advised us to try
something unconventional...

to spice up our sex life.

I'm not clear
on my role here, Wilson.

Good cop, bad cop.

-You go in there, pick up the pieces--
-Let's you and I talk.

after I shatter
everything to bits.

-You're scum.
-I may be, but that isn't relevant.

Where there is fighting--

You just go with the flow,
don't you, Victor?

there's usually passion.

Everything with you, Victor,
is just fine, fine, fine.

-You and Victor fight?
-I am not a "Que sera" kind of woman.

-No, never.
-Hey!

Well, we--We're new.

(sighs)
Well.

-Home, sweet home.
-Yeah.

That's probably what you'll say when you
get back to your home too, hmm?

Yeah.

Which I imagine you're
anxious to get back to.

-Right?
-Where's Maddie?

Maddie's not due until
tomorrow, remember?

-We came back a day early.
-Oh, yeah, right.

I guess it just seems like we were there
longer than we were.

Hmm. I guess so.

-Eh, Bermuda's overrated.
-Yeah.

Yeah, the Triangle section probably
would've been a lot more fun.

Ally, why don't you just say
you had a lousy time?

I didn't have a lousy time.
I had a wonderful time.

Wonderful time?

Yes, it was wonderful. I'm sorry if it
wasn't wonderful for you.

-Wait a minute. Don't put it on me.
-Don't put what on you?

I'm only putting whatever
kind of time you had on you.

That's all.

You're the only one
who knows whether you had

a wonderful time or not.

(sighs) Why don't you
go do your hair?

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What-What did you say?

Nothing.

What, you think I spend
a lot of time on my hair?

What, more than, say,
you spend on yours?

Me? I don't even
comb my hair.

Who do you think
you're kidding, Victor?

Every single strand
probably has its own stylist.

-Now you've got a problem with my hair?
-No, I love your hair.

It just goes to show, if you put the time
in, it pays off.

-I think I'm gonna go now.
-(outer door opens)

-Let me get the door for you.
-Excuse me.

I'm looking
for Victor Morrison.

-I was told he might be here.
-I'm Victor Morrison.

-Victor, hi. This is for you.
-What is it?

It's a summons.
You're being sued.

Service with a smile.
(chuckles)

Hmm.

♪ I've been down
down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring
Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know
I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

-He was sued for what?
-Oh, I don't know.

I showed him out. I told him
I would talk to him later.

If he calls, just tell him
I'm in trial.

Okay, good morning
to all. Let's get started.

How was your trip?

-My trip was fine, thank you.
-You guys ever leave the room?

Raymond, what did we say
about sexist remarks?

LIZA: You seem tense.

-Are you tense?
-Uh, no, Liza. I'm-I'm fine.

I know some
relaxing techniques.

Actually, they're secrets.

(Richard whimpers)

-(muffled groan)
-Uh, well, um-- Thank you, Liza.

-(bone cracks)
-But you know--(giggles)

This-This is a staff meeting.

This is not a forum to discuss
our personal lives or problems.

We're only discussing yours.

Wilson, we don't really know
each other yet, do we?

I don't have
a personal life.

-Oh, poor Richard.
-Well--

You want to watch me
take a shower?

I--

(stammers) All right!
That's just--

Ally, Victor's in your office.

(through clenched teeth) Well, didn't you
tell him I was in trial?

(through clenched teeth)
No. I forgot.

Should I go
tell him that now?

I give you one
simple instruction.

-Not the best vacation?
-Never mind.

-How bad was it?
-Just never mind.

(chuckles)
How you like my hair?

Oh, well--

-A smile even.
-(laughs)

What-What exactly
did you do?

Baby, we had a lousy time
in Bermuda.

And I just want
to admit it and move on.

Okay.

It sucked.

-It was the worst.
-Why?

Not every couple's
good at vacationing.

But, you know, maybe
it was just because...

it was our first time together
away, you know, without Maddie.

Doesn't that make you
worry about us as a couple?

Nope.

Do I have to get
another lawyer on this?

No. I'll do it.

Um, what-what--What is
this case even about?

This Sheila Hunt, she's the owner of
an art gallery...

that sold some
of my paintings.

And she says that I owed her
more pieces than I did.

-Which is just not true.
-You're an artist?

Yeah. I mean, it's a hobby.

Huh.

So is there anything else
that I need to know?

Well, the owner of the gallery
is my ex-girlfriend.

Hmm, ex-girlfriend.

Hmm.

(door opens)

Richard?

Richard, I don't want to pry, but
are you all right?

-(door closes)
-Sure. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, it's just that... over
the last few days,

you've been, well,
working.

It's not like you.

You trying
to occupy yourself?

Maybe, uh, a little.
I--

I'm going to tell you something
now about myself...

that not very many people know.

When I was born,
unlike other women,

the Almighty gave me a little--

a little dial.

A dial?

-A sexual dial.
-Oh. Gee.

It's a little bit
like an internal barometer.

And it--
It vibrates during arousal.

That's--Well--

Do you have a little dial
that vibrates, Richard?

Uh--
(stammers)

On occasion, it--
Sometimes--It's--

I sense that right now
your dial is vibrating for me.

Well, uh--
(sucking breath)

-(exhales) Between us?
-Of course.

Liza--I want her.

Liza? She's--

(long, retching burp)

(gags)

She's horrible!
(burps)

I'm sorry.
She is horrible.

I can't help but think, underneath that
tough exterior,

she--she's nasty.

She's even more naughty,
more cunning,

more delicious than--
than Ling.

And Ling was--
Ling was amazing.

You romanticizing
cunning Ling, Richard?

Men do that.

But I'm right about Liza. She's an
itty-bitty little sexual package.

And I want
to just unwrap it.

Barry, I didn't think
I'd see you so soon.

Look, I think
you're a snake, okay?

I need a snake.

-What's the problem?
-My girlfriend.

Uh, my ex-girlfriend.

I sort of taped us one night. Thought it
might be fun to watch.

Cheese? Pickles?

No. I left out the accoutrements.
That's not it.

The problem is she has
a copy of the tape...

and is threatening to show it
to all my coworkers...

if I don't pay her $25,000.

And the tape shows--

Just, uh, lovemaking
and so forth.

I make some funny sounds I wasn't quite
aware of at the time.

Anyway, I'm a vice president.
This could really hurt me.

Could you help?

Hmm.

These are pictures
of naked women.

-They're abstract nudes.
-Mm-hmm.

So you--
you paint naked women?

Yeah.

And, uh, these-these women,

they just come in here and they take their
clothes off for you?

Well, Ally,
they're models.

Hmm. So how come you, uh, never told me
that you were a painter?

I don't know. I guess it just
never really came up.

What, it never came up?

We just spent five days
alone together.

Big chunks of it, we were
trying to invent conversation.

I have a hard time believing that you just
didn't say, "Hey, by the way, I paint."

Is it because you thought
I would have a problem...

with you staring at beautiful
naked women with perfect bodies

who I'm sure come on to you?

-Because I don't.
-That wasn't it.

-Do they?
-What?

The beautiful naked women
with perfect bodies--

-do they come on to you?
-Ally, come on.

I think it's weird that you
never told me you do this.

And I don't think it's weird
to think it's weird.

And-And ask anybody.

Ask the beautiful naked women
with perfect bodies.

Do they even know that--
that I exist?

You know, there is a reason why I never
told you I painted.

For your birthday, I've been doing
an abstract painting of you.

Oh.

Oh, well, I--
I mean, well--

I just--Can I--
Can I see it?

-Before your birthday?
-Yes.

Okay.

-(head whip)
-That's it?

-Go ahead.
-Okay.

Hmm.

(quiet gasp)

Oh. Victor, it's-it's--

-It's beautiful.
-You like it?

Do I like it?
Like it? I love it.

It's-It's--
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
There's my eye.

And, uh--

Oh, this is my arm.
(yelps)

-That's my foot.
-Yeah.

Mmm, what-what's this?

Oh, that's a buttock.
The other one's over here.

(triple head whip)

Hmm. And what-what--
what is this on it?

These little lines.

-Uh, it--
-(brakes screech)

It's cellulite.
You-You gave me cellulite.

No, it-it's just texture.

Texture? No, no.
Cellulite is not texture.

-Look, it's--
-No, no, no. I do not have cottage cheese.

-Ally?
-You blemished me.

No, I happen to think that cellulite
gives an ass character.

My ass has plenty
of character.

What it doesn't have
is this.

(door squealing)

(groaning)
Oh.

You're a little early.

Otherwise,
just perfect timing.

(squealing)

Maddie called. She said she'd see you
when you get home.

Anything else?

Three messages from Victor
saying he loves your ass.

-Oh, no.
-So do I.

-ELAINE: Are we sure she's hetero?
-I don't know, but she's cute.

-Yes, she is.
-Hmm.

I was able to schedule the deposition with
the gallery owner at 3:00 today.

-Wai-Wai-Wait. Today?
-You said A.S.A.P.

Well, I have--I have barely read the
complaint. What-What are these?

From Victor--also in appreciation
of your ass.

Does he need to be here
for the depo?

They're lovely.

Yes, Elaine. He needs
to be here for the depo.

In fact, I would like him to
come to--I beg your pardon!

(sniffing)

When a man
gives a woman flowers,

it's the same principle
as chocolates.

Sweets to the sweet.

I just had a little whiff.
You smell lovely.

Hmm. Hmm.

-Why don't you just ask her out?
-It's not that simple, Raymond.

-First of all, I'm a senior partner.
-(water flushing)

I could be sued for hitting on
an associate.

Yes. She seems so defenseless,
doesn't she, Richard?

And second, look, either
of two things could happen.

She could say no,
which would devastate me.

Or she could say yes. And frankly, with
Liza, I'm not sure I can handle yes.

-Why?
-I get addicted to girls like that.

(door opens, closes)

-She'd own me in 10 minutes.
-She owns you now.

-No, she does not.
-Richard?

-(stammers)
-Corretta.

I'm sorry. Is it Thor?

-It's Raymond.
-Right.

-I'm off to work out.
-In a stall?

-You've never done it in a stall, Thor?
-(Richard whimpers)

Uh, just, isn't it-- It's a little
cramped, isn't it?

John gave me his hole.

-(remote beeps)
-(hole door beeps)

Richard, you might want
to blot that drool.

What is the sexiest thing
on a woman?

-Me?
-No. Not you, not me.

Not any piece of clothing.

-Sweat.
-Sweat?

She's in there, Raymond.
She's about to work out.

She'll be sweating.

-Why don't you join her, Richard?
-I couldn't handle it.

-It's blackmail.
-It isn't blackmail.

It's--
It's exciting footage.

And my client is quite excited to share it
with her fellow workers.

In exchange for forfeiting this
excitement, she'll accept $25,000.

We could go to the police,
Mr. Spaner.

Come on, Ms. Porter, we could
just sell the thing on eBay.

We're presenting your client
with a special one-time offer.

-You can live with yourself?
-You made the tape, Barry.

-As a valentine to our love.
-(scoffs) Yeah.

Two weeks before you dump me
for another secretary.

Look, my client has made
a very fair offer here.

25,000 for 13 minutes of-- (sharp exhale)
graphic, graphic footage...

that I believe most pay-per-view stations
would pay double for.

(videocassette slides)

We'll give you till the end of
business tomorrow to decide.

Come on, Sandra.

You are not
an honorable person.

Oh, please. I don't need
to see this again.

WILSON:
Any ideas, Nelle?

I think they've got us.

(Barry moaning,
chirping)

You can't do anything?

WILSON: Not unless we can
somehow outscum them.

-(Sandra moaning)
-(Barry chirping)

She was trying to turn me into some kind
of celebrity, which I didn't want.

-I just wanted to paint.
-Mm-hmm. Continue.

It seemed to matter more
to her than to me because--

Because you were
boyfriend and girlfriend?

Boyfriend and girlfriends, they tend to
care about each other, okay?

Continue, please.

Oh. Oh, rolling your eyes.
Did I misspeak?

You're obviously still
upset about the painting.

Not at all. Old issue.

We're talking about
the case now. Move along.

Ally, don't take it personally.

Victor, let me just
give you a little tip, okay?

Women tend to take texture
personally.

Let's imagine, if you will,

that somebody were to find fault
with, say, your hair.

Get off the hair, okay?

I did the painting
before I ever saw your ass.

Exactly. You were projecting
the cellulite, based on what?

Based on my face
because I have one little wrinkle that

surfaces when I get overtired?

-One little wrinkle?
-Oh, do you exercise it-- your hair?

Ally, I've seen your butt.
It's a world-class butt, okay?

Yes it is.

It also happens to be a world-class butt
in jeans, Victor.

You don't have to see me naked
in order to--

-Okay, let's just drop it.
-Good idea.

Mm-hmm. Did you deliver
the paintings or not?

I delivered all the paintings I promised
under the terms of the contract, yes.

But I think she's more upset
because she lost me as a--

-Boyfriend.
-Yes.

Did you ever... paint her?

Look, maybe it's not a good idea
that you're my lawyer in this.

Oh, no, no. I'm fine. You don't have to
worry about me.

-Fine.
-Fine.

-Richard.
-(yelping) What?

-Claire, don't sneak up on me like that.
-Oh, I can't help it.

It's always a problem for me--
blending into the background.

-No one ever sees me coming.
-Can I help you?

(chattering)

I'm not a fan of that
vicious little minx.

But I am a champion
of love.

Does your heart speak to you, Richard,
when you watch Liza?

Yes. My heart and my dial--
they both shout.

-Then you must go to her.
-Oh, Claire.

You know, I-I know
when I'm overmatched. I--

Have you ever read
Cyrano de Bergerac?

No, but I've seen
the movie Roxanne. Why?

I could be your Cyrano.

I know how to push that little button's
buttons.

I'll have her eating
out of your little hand.

Assuming, of course, you can keep your
hand off your destiny.

You know, Claire--
(yelps)

Richard, hi. Does the office
not have a shower facility?

-(stammers)
-'Cause I'm all sweaty.

I look like I've just been
out on a date or something.

Well--Little bit.

-I kinda like being sweaty.
-(stammering)

-It's kind of a tropical, moist feeling.
-(hair ball cough)

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you handled that
quite well.

All right, I'm open
to getting help.

Little Sweaty Betty.

The fact is, the contract
called for him...

to deliver eight paintings
during the year of 2001.

He delivered three.

I believe that the contract says that he
had to deliver "up to" eight paintings.

There was no minimum.

The three previous years,
he painted between 12 and 15.

He did not operate in good faith here,
and he knows it.

"Good faith"? Are we talking
good faith professionally?

This has nothing to do with our personal
relationship, Ms. McBeal.

Ms. Hunt,

I'd like to remind you that
you are indeed under oath.

Listen, our personal relationship,
if anything, was a hindrance.

He wouldn't have had time
to do any painting...

if I'd made love to him
as often as he wanted to.

(stammering) Ob-Ob-Objection.

Move to strike that.
Nonresponsive.

Is that what he said?
I was nonresponsive?

-Sheila.
-Victor.

Your client has a problem,
counsel.

Ask him
about his little fetish.

-Sheila.
-Victor!

What fetish?

Let's just say your client
is a butt man.

-Sheila.
-Victor!

-This isn't relevant.
-I'm the one asking the questions here.

A butt man?

He paints them,
he studies them,

and, during sex,
he likes to nibble them.

-Sheila.
-Victor.

-Ally.
-Nibble them?

Yes. And one of the reasons
why he broke up with me...

was because my buttocks were too
conventionally beautiful.

He likes his women's asses
to be slightly asymmetrical.

-Asymmetrical?
-All right, that's it.

-Just settle the case.
-Wh-Wh-What?

I'm not gonna sit here and discuss
fetishes and buttocks.

-Tell her how you like cellulite.
-Sheila.

-He thinks it gives a butt character.
-I'm outta here.

No, ju-ju-just sit. Sit.

All right, let's just--
Let's just move on.

Okay, the-the buttock-- the-the contract
called for no minimum.

But it did call for
good faith.

And he simply
stopped painting.

He gave me three pieces,
then he walked.

He didn't call.
He didn't return my calls.

He just walked.
That's bad faith.

He was in it for the sex.

And when I cut back
on the sex, he walked.

I walked because you were
falling in love with me.

-Is that why you stopped painting?
-Yes.

Well, there you go. He just admitted
he stopped painting.

He breached.

How many times do you need
to watch it, Wilson?

You said you represent
a special effects house?

-Yeah, why?
-I have an idea.

-(Barry moaning, chirping)
-I'm getting the sense it's evil.

Aren't they the best kind?

-How can I help?
-Put me in touch with your client.

Then let's get Mr. Spaner and the lovely
Sandy in here, set up another meeting.

Huh. Scum?

Serious scum.

-(Barry chirping, trilling)
-(Sandra moaning)

I don't see
how this can work.

Oh, the bar is the perfect place
for this to work, Richard.

There's so much noise in there,
she won't hear me.

Yes, and the way you blend
into the background.

-(on speaker) Testing!
-(screams)

-(on speaker) Is that too loud?
-(shrieks)

God! You have to talk
softly, Claire.

Yes, of course. We're going
to be a team, Richard.

I'll be the one
speaking softly,

and you'll be the one
carrying the big stick.

-Get--
-Oh!

Come on now.
Let's go.

(chuckling)
This is going to be lovely.

-Testing!
-(yelping)

-(feedback squealing)
-(softly) Copy. Copy.

Ew.

What do you mean "ew"?

-Six and a quarter.
-What?

And your left side's
a little more muscular.

Well--Well, that's just because I used to
kick with my left foot.

-Now just-just do the right side again.
-Ally, they look even!

Maddie, can you--
(stammers)

-Hey.
-What are you doing?

Um, no, I'm just-- I'm just getting
a new outfit,

so I wanted a measurement.
You could knock.

I'm sorry. Could I talk to you
just for a minute?

Downstairs?

Oh, and your left side
rides a little higher.

Oh! Oh, never mind!

-Go ahead.
-Uh, no. No, no. You can forget that.

You are never walking behind me again in
this lifetime, Victor. You go.

-Fine.
-Fine? Never mind fine.

Your case is
not fine after that deposition.

What?

You admitted that you stopped painting.
That is a breach.

There was no minimum.

There was a good faith
requirement to produce.

And you stopped because you said that
she was in love with you.

-Were-Were--Were you in love with her?
-No. That was the problem.

What was the problem--
she was too symmetrical?

Here we go again.

She didn't have a lopsided, cellulite
bottom shelf like I've got?

-Ally.
-Men stare at this on the street.

I bet they do.

It's even, it's ripe
and it's glass smooth.

-Let me grab it.
-No, you know what-- Mmm.

Don't be amused. It is not a good time
for you to be amused.

I do not handle "amused" well
when I'm angry.

And what is this about wanting to have sex
with her all time anyway?

Took you three months
to want to kiss me.

You can't pick up a paintbrush because
you can't think of your--

-Ally!
-You know, even on vacation in Bermuda--

You're not what
I would call voracious.

I'm a nibbler, right?

Come on. I'm sorry.

The sex was polite.

It was totally polite.

How many couples do you know go to the
Caribbean to have polite sex?

And-And why?

It's not like we were
having so much fun talking.

-You barely said a poop.
-Peep.

We just hung around
a pool.

And the highlight of the conversation
was ordering food.

And then we'd go back to the hotel and
have polite, courteous sex.

And-And you didn't
even bite me.

(chuckling)

Oh, and-and you're laughing at me
again on the inside.

No. This time, I'm laughing
at you on the outside.

Ally, baby, I apologize
if the sex was too polite.

I'm sorry if I barely
spoke a poop.

But I promise you,

next time, I will bite you.

I so hate you.

I am not happy. I assumed this was
going to be about an offer.

It is an offer.

I'm offering the lovely Sandy a chance to
drop this and say she's sorry.

-(laughing)
-(laughing) Let's go.

Hold on. It seems there surfaced
another tape.

What other tape?

Sandy, you've been
a busy girl, haven't you?

(laughing) What are you
talking about?

Well, I could tell you, but a picture's
worth... how many words?

Oh, used to be a thousand.
But this could jack it up some.

-Would you like to see it?
-I would.

(video player whirs)

-(Barry moans, chirps)
-Oh, there you are, on top of Barry, but--

But we've seen that already.

-(Barry trilling)
-(Sandy moaning)

-WILSON: Whoa!
-SANDY: What?

-That isn't me.
-WILSON: Of course it is.

BARRY:
That's you.

-(man moans)
-Oh! (snickering)

-WILSON: Good that you're on top.
-SANDY: This is a trick.

They've done something.
This is trick photography.

-(cow moos)
-Oh!

Oh, mercy!
We don't need to see that.

WILSON: The deal is, the
office sees you and Barry,

the office sees you and the others,
including Clementine.

This is out-and-out fraud!

Barry's just excited
to show it, Ronald.

In exchange for forfeiting
his excitement,

you have to drop
your extortion.

My tape is real.
That's a fake.

No matter what it is,
it'll be a big hit on eBay.

♪♪ (bar band: slow tempo)

VONDA:
♪ Oh ♪

♪ Always and forever ♪

♪ Each moment with you ♪

♪ Is just like
a dream to me ♪

♪ That somehow came true ♪

-♪ And I know, tomorrow ♪
-Hi, Richard.

-(Claire on earpiece) Hello!
-Oh. Oh, uh--

Oh.

-Working late?
-Well--

Actually, I was working
on my book.

-I'm working on my book.
-You're writing a book?

-Oh, yes. The Lost Art of Conversation.
-Really?

Are people conversing less
or just less artfully?

Oh, well, that
little rejoinder--

Alone tells me that you haven't
lost the art.

(chuckling) Even a raconteur
such as yourself--

Probably too often resorts
to the language of the body...

via touch, a smile,
the flirtatious giggle.

That's what my book
focuses on--

the tendency of men and women
to resort to physicality.

-Um, let me ask you--
-And be honest.

When you're talking to a man one-on-one
for the very first time--

-Do you ask yourself--
-"Would I?"

-Well, isn't it natural?
-(chuckles) Well, it is.

But suppose
the answer is yes.

Is the conversation
colored by that?

How could it not
be colored?

-For example, when I look at you--
-I can't help--

-But want to--
-Stoke your embers--

-With my little poker.
-(laughs) Really?

Yeah, but since I would
never say that,

I innately look to communicate that
with physical expression.

I-I'll let you
read the book one day.

See, I have no problem
just... saying it.

If I wanted to sleep with you,
I'd just say, "Hey, Richard,

-let's go somewhere and do it."
-(gasping) Oh.

-Goodness! What a--
-Slut.

(microphone feedback)

What did you call me?

Uh, uh--

Sorry, Richard.

She's got me flustered,
the little tramp.

Here's the deal, Richard.

Every man I work for wonders
what it would be like.

Oh.

And it gets in the way
professionally.

It's actually really annoying.

Maybe we should just
do it once,

satisfy your curiosity,

get it over with
and move on.

I--

♪ I'll always love you ♪

♪ Always forever love you ♪♪

I think we both put a lot of pressure
on this vacation...

'cause we wanted it
to be magical.

Maybe we wanted it too much.

As far as the painting goes,
I'm sorry.

I consider you to be an
incredibly beautiful woman.

I wish the painting could've
captured my love for you.

As for Sheila, it was just
a physical relationship.

(chuckles)

I am always amazed...

at how men can just
enter into...

purely physical
relationships.

I-I cared for her.

Maybe that's
why I left her the way I did.

Sorry?

(exhales)

I could see that she was
falling in love with me.

And though I cared for her, I was not
in love with her.

And I realized that my leaving
would devastate her,

so... I left.

No explanation.
I just walked out.

Why?

I think it's because
I wanted her to hate me.

Anger's easier
than heartbreak.

You know, it's
easier to get over.

And if she thinks I'm a jerk,
mitigates the loss.

-That's what he was doing.
-Sorry?

That's why he did it.
He wanted me to hate him.

-Who?
-Larry.

I could never figure out
why he-he just--

But that's it.

He-He wanted-- He wanted
me to feel anger.

Great. Let's talk about Larry.

-Where did he go?
-Oh, I don't know.

Uh, he left right after
I said the "L" word.

-Larry?
-Yeah.

You know, when
you do start dating...

and you're spending time
with your boyfriend,

you should try to minimize the obsessing
about the old boyfriend.

I'll try to remember that.

-Is he coming back?
-Larry?

Victor.

Oh. I-I-I--

I don't know.

They don't tend
to come back with me.

Come on in, Richard.

Wow.

-Wow, Liza, this-- this is a great place.
-(chirping)

♪♪ (Perez Prado: "Cherry Pink
And Apple Blossom White")

Thanks.

-The art is so, uh--
-Pop?

I know. I like pop.

I like pop music,
Pop-Tarts.

Popsicles.
(chuckles)

"Pop Goes the Weasel."

Was that... Mr. Fish?

Bygones.

You're scared stiff.

Well, uh, Liza, I--

I usually pull the strings
with women. I'm not used to--

-I make you crazy, don't I?
-Yeah.

-And all you can think about is--
-Yes.

Richard, I'm very serious
about my career.

-If I extinguish your curiosity--
-Yeah.

do you think you'll be able
to see me as a lawyer?

I will so try.
I promise.

-♪♪ (continues)
-Okay.

Come on.

Just like that,
she dropped it?

-She dropped it.
-I think it was the cow.

-And I don't have to pay her anything?
-Not a cent.

-You do have to pay us.
-Oh, with pleasure.

I want you to know-- because I don't hand
out compliments freely--

you are the scummiest,

most disgusting attorneys
I have ever encountered.

Thank you.

They set the bar so low, and you just
slithered right under it.

-We try.
-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-(door closes)
-(shudders) We are good.

Yes, we are.

♪♪ (Seventies Pop: ABBA)

Um--

Well, here we are.

Uh, but what--
What is this?

Sometimes when I get home from work, I
just want to dive right into bed.

-(stammers)
-And I really dive. I used to compete.

So you have a diving board over your--your
bed. That's, uh--

What do you want
to do first?

Well--Well, you sort of promised I could
watch you, uh, shower.

(chuckles)

-Richard.
-(chuckling)

(murmurs)

Oh.

♪ When you get the chance ♪

♪ You are the dancing queen ♪

-♪ Young and sweet, only 17 ♪
-(shower runs)

(knocking)

-You're back.
-Yeah.

I brought you something.

Hmm. What's this?

It's a ticket--
to Detroit, for one.

Sorry?

Look, I think you need
to go see this guy Larry.

Whatever's there or what is there--
I don't know.

But you're gonna have to settle things
with him before we're ready to move on.

-You think I need to go settle things?
-Yeah.

Oh. Well, things
are settled, Victor.

-It's over.
-I don't think so. Not for you.

Not for me. Why, because
I think about him sometimes?

-Ally, you think about him all the time.
-Right.

Right. So you--So you what, you went to
the airport and you bought me a ticket?

Yeah, I think you should go.
I'll stay here with Maddie.

You know--(exhales) You know, I still
actually do like men...

even though some of them have done some
pretty awful things to me.

But this takes the cake. This is the most
arrogant, most obnoxious thing--

Your flight leaves at 9:00 a.m.

What gives you the right
to tell me to go--

-You're not over the guy.
-No, even if I'm not over him,

it does not entitle you to go out and book
me to Detroit.

If there's something that's
going on between me and Larry,

it is still
between me and Larry.

Don't you think
I have something to do with this?

No.

-No?
-No. Not to the extent that it does me.

Not to the extent that it
gives you the right to go out

and buy me plane tickets!

I am trying to be patient here.

I don't care how patient
you are trying to be!

You're losing me! Okay?

It is time for you to clean up your mess,
move on and get on with your life.

Please.
Let this sink in, huh?

Okay. Okay, Victor. See, I don't want
to be with Larry.

I don't want him, and I choose
not to be with him.

But as far as whether or not
I'm gonna lose you,

I think that you have
seriously overplayed your hand.

-This isn't a game.
-No, it isn't.

My mess is my life.
I choose to live it this way.

And I don't want to be booked
on any planes, okay?

You can take your ticket back.
Now good night.

Are you really sure
this is what you want?

Hmm. Yes.

For once, I am so--
I am so sure.

You showed up at the door
as this little caretaker.

And then you came in and you
set up shop as a controller.

And if there's one thing I know
about myself and men,

I do not take well
to being controlled.

You're being controlled
by your past.

-Oh, is that what you think?
-Yeah.

Well, you know what? It doesn't really
matter what you think anymore, Victor.

You can come over and say good-bye
to Maddie tomorrow.

-Was it good for you?
-It was unbelievable.

No, Richard.
That was believable.

You want unbelievable,
lie down on that bed.

-What?
-Just do what I tell you.

-Lay down. Hurry up.
-Well--

I'm gonna show you
"unbelievable."

Uh, wh-what--
what are you doing?

Just lie back. It's important
that you don't move.

(stammers)
This-This looks dangerous.

Well, isn't that what you like about me,
Richard-- that I'm a little dangerous?

Well, yes, but-but the idea
of being hospitalized--

Just lie still. I promise
you won't get hurt.

(murmurs)

-Just, uh--
-Still, Richard.

Very, very still.

I'll be as--Yeah.

(chuckles)

Now that would be a perfect 10,
even from the French judge.

I think, uh,
perfect is a six, but--

Now, Richard, be honest,
really honest.

Can you imagine what it must be
like to make love to me?

(gasps)
Yes.

You can feel it?

-Do you even know it?
-Yes.

-Good.
-(mouths word)

Curiosity satisfied.
You can go now.

(stammering) Wha--No, no, no.
Wait. What--What?

Well, it would be wrong for us to actually
sleep together.

(laughs)
I'm not a slut.

-I--
-See you at the office.

-I'm, uh-- (whimpers)
-(door closes)

(knocking)

So where
am I going now?

Sorry. I was hurt.

I know.
So was I.

I'm really sorry that
I called you controlling.

-I--I don't think that, but--
-But?

Well, Victor,
there's a reason...

why we didn't get together for two months,
even under the same roof.

And there's a reason why we had a terrible
vacation.

And there's a reason why
we don't sexually combust.

And there's a reason that I didn't even
know that you're a painter.

And there's a reason why
I probably am sabotaging us.

I just--

I think on some level you know that I'm
not "it" for you.

And on some level, I know you're not
"it" for me.

Oh, we could date
and we could have fun...

and we could just say
what the hell,

but I don't think either one of us are
very good at doing that, and--

(exhales)

You know, I saw myself
marrying you.

And I saw myself
marrying you.

But can--

Can you really
see us married?

(deep breath)

You know, I-I--

I think that it's probably best for us to
take a little break just to--

to-to see if--

Yeah. (sniffles)
A break is probably best.

Just-Just, you know--

-Just to see--
-Yeah.

(sniffles)

I can still talk to you during the break
though, right?

Mmm.

'Cause I'm gonna call ya.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

(door opens, closes)

(sniffles)

WOMAN:
You stinker!