All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S05E17.2001.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal.

You said that we could get
John Cage back if we needed him.

Did you not say that?

He's not in Mexico.

-He's not?
-Oh, my God!

♪ Ayayay ♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

-They're bringing in Liza Bump.
-Her name is Bump?

You're going up against Lolita.

I've heard tales of this Lolita.

I'm Liza Bump. I'm looking for Nelle
Porter. Could you direct me, please?

One million, or trial.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo. Trial.

-Let the record reflect she just grazed--
-My johnson!

-Wasn't it great?
-I sniffed Victor's ass once.

Get over it, Ally McBeal.

Ever think about joining a law firm?

If I were to even consider coming here,

it would only be to learn from you.

-And if you're not even gonna be here--
-I said I'd be back, didn't I?

(bell dinging)

-(tires screeching)
-(bell dings)

-Okay. Okay.
-Okay, your plane's delayed by 30 minutes.

-That gives you a little extra time.
-Oh! Oh! Okay.

-Are-Are they assembled?
-Uh, they're going in there right now.

-Okay.
-Aren't you excited?

Well--Well, yes. Yes. I gotta--Oh, here.

-(exhaling)
-(exhaling)

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Let's get started.

-I have to go to Bermuda, so--
-With Victor?

Oh. This--Yeah.

Okay. There are a few things we have to
take care of before I go.

And first of all, let's welcome Liza.
She starts today.

What?

John extended an offer of
employment, and she accepted.

-We're glad to have you.
-Thank you.

Liza will be working out of John's office.

Why does she get his office?

John... loaned it to her.

Oh. John loaned it to her. What else did
John extend to Liza?

I don't think that's appropriate, Nelle.

-Did he give her his hole as well?
-(cries)

-Oh, please.
-I-It's John's office.

He's free to designate
who he wants to... have it.

Oh. Thank you.

I actually have a trial starting today.
I could use some backup.

-Oh, uh, I'm--I'm free.
-Actually, Richard, you might distract me.

-I find you attractive.
-Oh, give me a break.

Um, yeah. What's--What's the case?

My client is being charged with bigamy.

-She has two husbands.
-What's your defense?

-She's entitled.
-Oh!

-Belle, will you help me?
-The name is Nelle.

It says "Morgan"
on your birth certificate.

M-M-Morgan?

-Move along.
-Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Morgan Porter?

Move along.

Since we're moving along, I took the
liberty of hiring another associate.

It's a lawyer I was wooing
for my own firm.

After I came here, I continued the woo,

and I'm happy to report I was successful.

-Hmm. You hired somebody?
-Yes, I did, Morgan.

-And I think you'll love him.
-ALLY: Uh-huh.

Now, you understand that any offer you
make is not binding on us.

-So it--
-Wilson, hi. This is Richard.

Corretta. Ally. Somebody.

And Morgan.

You know, actually we were
just discussing your job, and

I think there may be a problem.

What problem? As long as I get my agreed
upon salary, I don't care.

Uh, look, I'd love to stick around for
the little morning mixer,

but I got clients comin' in.

The slutty secretary told me there's an
empty office upstairs,

so I'll grab it and we can
talk about an upgrade later.

Love to get to know all of you, but, uh,
well, Liza says you're all very nice.

I'll take her word for it. Later.

♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

(gagging)

-(clinking)
-Oh, my.

-(gasps) Oh, my!
-Hello.

Oh, hello. I'm Claire Otoms.

And you're, well--

-You're lovely.
-Thank you.

You wouldn't be a little,
uh, bachelorette treat...

that's been sent to celebrate my upcoming
nuptials, would you?

I'm a new attorney.
Wilson Jade. Startin' today.

Wonderful. If I were 10 years younger,

I'd invite you home for a nightcap.

You're wonderful.

(door opens)

-Oh, hello, Nelle.
-Hello.

Christmas has come early this year.

-This is Wilson.
-Yes, we met. Hi.

-Hello. Is it Morgan?
-It's Nelle.

Am I in the girls' room?

Oh, it's unisex.

Here at Cage, Fish and McBeal,

we don't distinguish between the sexes.

-Uh--
-Uh, if you need anything--

Actually, I could use some help on a case
I'm working on, and you might be suitable.

You're not a nice person, are you?

-Not at all.
-Excellent.

Come by my office. We can discuss it,
if you have time.

(door opens)

We need to have both husbands
there, to show their support.

It's important that the jury see that.

Okay. Now, I really don't
want to risk prison here.

-If there's a plea--
-We're not going to lose.

How can you be so sure? The law--

What's wrong?

I could swear that Napoleon
was looking at me.

(sighs) I think you're just feeling
a little bit on trial...

because you're about to go on trial.

Liza, I am very nervous.

I have friends who are lawyers, and
they're telling me I can't win this.

Are you sure--

Okay, I may be crazy, but I really do
think Napoleon is staring at us.

-(gasps)
-Hey! Who's back there?

I know somebody's back there,
and I think it's John Cage.

P-P-Poughkeep-- Poughkeep--

John, you meet me
in your hole this instant!

Oh, balls!

It--I assure you,
it was very benign peeping.

Do you live inside the walls?

No. This is my hole.

Uh--There's a passageway.
It connects to my office.

And, uh, I apologize for--

Isn't he like a cute little Stuffy?

And such a good little lawyer.
Yes, you are.

-Uh, all right.
-Yes, you are!

Okay.

I could be wrong, but I don't think he
enjoys being pinched like that.

I always forget to release.

He's just so cute.

Listen, John, while we have
you here, we're about to start

a very difficult bigamy case,

which I guess you
picked up on as Napoleon.

-We could really use your help.
-Well, I--

Oh, please, the mariachis will understand.

He's a mariachi singer.

-It's so cute.
-You are?

But... I always wanted to do that.

All right. Let's not mock me,
if you don't mind.

I'm serious. I was always rejected
because I was a woman.

I really wanted to be a mariachi singer.

I even went to Mexico to live briefly.

I went to Mexico! I--Tell her.

He did.

I used to wear out the grooves of my
parents' Kingston Trio records.

"El Matador," "The Tijuana Jail."
I thought they were Mexican.

What? What's the matter?

-"Tom Dooley."
-"Tom Dooley" was my favorite.

-Okay.
-Ever.

-He sounds quite Mexican.
-It was a Kingston Trio song.

I used to listen and pretend
I was Tom Dooley.

Uh, John, Tom Dooley was hung in the song.

Well, I think
it was more the crying part--

Okay.

Earth to SquarePants.

-Maybe we should talk about the case.
-Will you help, John?

Uh--Uh--

But how could you possibly win?

I'm hoping we could settle it
and it won't go to trial.

But she was married to him.

How can a wife sue a husband
for sexual harassment?

We've already sued. The question is,
can we prevail?

I think we can, if we make two showings.

First, she had a real bastard
for a husband.

Second, she's now got one for a lawyer.

He'll settle.

She was my wife, for God's sake.

Is it your belief that a husband
is entitled to oppress his wife?

Oppress? I-I showed affection.

I know plenty of wives who would kill for
that kind of oppression.

Now, according to your ex-wife, you would
complain about not having enough sex.

-Are you married, Mr. Jade?
-No, sir, I'm not.

Yeah, well, let me tell you somethin'.

When a husband complains about not having
enough sex, that's called foreplay.

Oh, you see? This is what I had
to deal with!

Oh, tell us what
you had to deal with, Connie. I would

like to say something here.

Most married men cheat, okay?
They go looking in other places.

Me? I went looking for it with my wife.
And so I get sued?

Just because you're married to a person...

doesn't mean you can squeeze her
breasts whenever you feel like it.

You know, "love, honor and obey"
doesn't mean grope, you pig.

Let's see what kind of grope
you get on the open market.

All right.

Are you gonna
let him talk to me like that?

Happily. It's being recorded.

-You record her callin' me a pig?
-Let's all settle down.

Mr. Dekumbis,

I want to draw
your attention to a vacation you took

with your ex-wife to Florida.

Now, is it true-- and please correct me
if it's not--

Did you on one occasion, uh-- Yeah.

"Wrap your penis with a slice of American
cheese and douse it with ketchup"?

Did that happen, sir?

Look. We were having problems, okay?

Our therapist advised us to try something
unconventional to spice up our sex life.

Do you remember
what you said to your ex-wife when she got

into bed that night, sir?

I--

I told her to have a--
a Quarter Pounder with cheese.

The law is the law, Liza,
and she broke it.

John, in some states,
oral sex is against the law.

You don't see people getting
thrown in jail for that.

Bigamy is a little more serious.

You don't take oral sex seriously?

I take--Uh--

We're both on the same side here. Would
you please stop trying to rattle me?

Oh, yeah. Force of habit.

-Can I come watch?
-Come watch?

Nicole, you're the one on trial here.
You're required to be there.

I don't mean the trial.
I mean you, singing mariachi.

You know, I really think we should
concentrate on the case.

I don't know what Liza's told you, but
you're very much in jeopardy here, Nicole.

You may love these men, and they may be
okay with sharing a wife,

but the law is what it is.

And if convicted,
you're looking at prison.

Detective, how did you discover she was
married to two different men?

We were tipped off.

We then checked the marriage
license records in Massachusetts

and New Hampshire...

to discover she'd been married in both
states to two different men.

ATTORNEY: The first marriage
wasn't dissolved?

DETECTIVE: No. She remains legally
married to both.

Therefore, we placed her
under arrest for bigamy.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah.

-Oh!
-Oh, I'm sorry.

LIZA: No, that's okay.
I--I thought it was my turn.

-Well, I just had the one.
-Go ahead.

-Uh, really? All right.
-I don't mind.

Uh, good afternoon, Detective.

My name is John Cage. I'm one of the
lawyers representing the defendant.

Well, uh--I am sorry. I almost forgot to
ask my question.

-May I still?
-Of course.

Uh, sir, you testified that
my client still remains legally

married to both men today?

That's correct.

Well, if it's legal, why'd you arrest her?

Well, it's not legal.

What I mean is, she's on the books
as being legally married,

which is illegal.

To be on the books as legal.

It's a little confusing. I mean, it's a
confusing law, this one about bigamy.

How many of you are confused by it?

Uh, yes, Ms. Bump?

I'm confused about who
we're tryin' to protect.

Objection. What is this?

He asked who was confused.
I thought he'd like to know why.

-How many want to know why?
-Objection.

Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. I'll ask you to
proceed without the nonsense.

Okay. Uh--

No, I'm sorry.
All I had left was nonsense.

-You?
-No, that's all I had.

Is it wise to make light of it all?

We're just trying to set
the tone that the law's silly.

If we can get the jury to that point,
Nicole, they will never put you in jail.

-Her husbands are outside.
-They can come in.

-Gentlemen?
-Hi, honey.

-Hi, baby.
-(door closes)

So, what happens next?

-I believe I testify, right?
-Yes.

Then the psychologist. We may possibly
call one of you, if needed.

-You okay?
-I'm fine. Fine.

-How are you?
-I'm okay.

It's always tough on
the husbands, isn't it?

(exhales)

-Can I help you?
-Just looking.

(beating)

Wilson. Have we heard anything?

-(elevator bell dings)
-Yeah. In my office.

Okay.

They offered 25 to make it go away.

-Twenty-five? That's nothing.
-I'll turn it down.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Twenty-five for this
case is not nothing.

Connie, you were his wife. You're suing
your husband for making sexual overtures.

That's something husbands are expected to
do, to come on to their wives.

I'll get you more. Do you mind giving me
and Nelle a second?

Oh!

The client is the customer, Nelle.

Never try to sell the customer
something she doesn't want.

We won't get more for this.

-Yes, we will.
-Have you considered the merits, Wilson?

Nelle, look at me.

Do I strike you as a person who concerns
himself with merits?

I'll think about it and let you know.

Aah!

I first married Peter in 1982.
We were childhood sweethearts.

JOHN: And then in 1994,
you married Steven.

Yes. Uh, Steven and I were in medical
practice together. That's how we met.

-Medical practice?
-We're both neurologists.

Oh. Well, why not divorce Peter
before marrying Steven?

I never fell out of love with Peter.
I love them both.

-But individually--
-They weren't enough?

(chuckles) I know how it sounds.

But Peter and I have a relationship
predicated on childhood ideologies.

We grew up in the same world.

There are parts of me that nobody else
will, or could, get like he does.

But why isn't he enough?

I--I can't talk to him at the end of
the day about my job,

which is a big part of my life.

And I need to be with someone who truly
understands what I do all day,

what it's like to do what I do.

But the question becomes,
are they okay with this?

It was an adjustment, but in the end, yes.

They want to be married to me,
even if it's not full-time.

And I want to be married to them.

How many more men do you plan to marry,
Mrs., uh-- Is it Carrens or Lewiston?

It's Naples. It sounds
like you disapprove.

Well, bigamy is not
my choice for a lifestyle.

-So, you agree it's a choice?
-No, I don't.

-So, it's not a choice.
-I'm asking the questions here.

-So, you agree it's a question?
-No, it's not even a question.

-Then what do you have to ask me?
-Your Honor?

Ms. Naples?

Your Honor, if he has questions, he's free
to ask them.

But if he's looking
to introduce conclusions, I would think he

should wait till closings.

I'm not a lawyer, but I would think.

Why not just keep these men
in your life as friends?

Close friends. Best friends.

Why do you have to have sexual
relations with them both?

I'm not on trial for having sex with them,
Mr. Tisbury.

I could be married to one, sleeping with
the other. I wouldn't be facing charges.

Just the same, I'm sure
the jury would like to know.

Why sex with two different men?

I'll tell you what.

If you stipulate that
who I have sex with is relevant to the

crime I'm being charged with,

I'll answer your question.

-She's smarter than us.
-Shh.

-I'm just saying.
-Shh.

Is it relevant, Mr. Tisbury?

No.

Well, he is right about the jury
asking the question.

Conjugal relations with two different men.

Sounds awful.

You know, we all have multiple personas.

Our personalities are both affected and
altered by the company we keep.

And speaking as a scientist, I can tell
you that it is pretty much impossible...

for one person to link up with another on
emotional, cognitive, intellectual--

Nicole, I get that. But marriage?

That's about commitment, isn't it?

♪♪ (trumpet)

-John, break time's over.
-Oh. Yea!

This is a famous Mexican song
dedicated to the beautiful lady.

Which one? There are two of us.

♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

-♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪
-Oh, my God.

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪

♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪♪

♪♪ (ends)

Well, if you truly want to sing, I'm sure
we could arrange one song.

Really?

Would you like to go straight Mexican or--

The band is kinda taken now
with the Kingston Trio.

Oh, I'll do either.

-This is me.
-Oh.

-This is one of your two houses?
-Yeah. I live here with Peter.

You know, Nicole,

if you would agree to voluntarily dissolve
one of your marriages,

I think we could plead
this out with probation.

I love both of them, John.

Can you imagine asking a mother
to part with one of her kids

because she has more than one?

Well, now, uh,
it's a little different, Nicole.

Well, should it be?

We don't question a parent's ability to
love two children deeply, unconditionally.

Why is it so absurd
for a woman to love two men?

-Well--
-This is a societal norm.

It has nothing to do with nature.

Well, spoken like a man
caught cheating on his wife.

Ah. I don't cheat on anybody.

We could make it go away.

Yes, if I am willing to let other people's
values be imposed on me.

I love my husbands.

-I want to stay married to them.
-Okay.

-Night.
-Night.

Ah.

-I'm drawn to her.
-John.

I'm not happy about it, damn it,
but she has this way.

What do you mean, "this way"?

Uh, "this way," damn it! Haven't you ever
seen a woman with a way?

She has this mellifluous voice.

She could almost surround you
with her sound.

Why don't you marry her?
Everybody else has.

She's not promiscuous, Richard.

Come on, John. She has two husbands.

I know, and I'm having trouble reconciling
both that and being drawn to her.

But I am. I just want to...

curl up, all fetal like,
in her toned yet supple arms.

She just has these
magnificent arms, Richard.

-Oh.
-Tapered so.

She has the forearm of a newborn's mother.

It's love muscle.

Yes, that's what it is. It's the love
muscle of a newborn's mother.

-Uh-huh.
-Yes.

-You ready?
-To do what?

I'm not clear on my role here, Wilson.

I told you. It's basically good cop,
bad cop.

You're gonna pick up the pieces after I
shatter everything to bits.

But what, exactly, are you gonna do?

I'm gonna irreparably ruin
any chance of settling.

Uh-huh. And then I'm going to?

-Settle it.
-Oh.

You're gonna talk to him in a soft, gentle
voice. Maybe touch his arm.

Let him know you understand.

I'm not comfortable with that.

Nelle, I'm only askin' you
to pretend to be nice.

See ya in there.

-Jade.
-Fish.

What--Hey, wait. What's up with that guy?
Is he any good?

I have no idea, but I'll certainly
let you know.

What do you mean, a new witness?

She's a rebuttal witness. If defense needs
time, I'm happy--

-I object, I object, I object!
-And so do I, Your Honor.

That makes four objections. You can't
possibly overrule them all.

Ms. Bump, I don't find you amusing.

Who knew, what with all the giggles?

I'm allowing the witness. If you want to
recess before you cross, I'll grant it.

But now, sit. Mr. Tisbury, proceed.

The prosecution calls Tally Cupp.

Oh, no.

"Oh, no"?

Well, I don't like this
"Oh, no." Who is she?

An ex... friend.

Oh, no.

You swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothin'

but the truth, so help you, God?

-I do.
-Be seated.

Could you state your name and occupation
for the record, please?

My name is Tally Cupp. I'm a radiologist
at Beth Israel Hospital.

Ms. Cupp, do you know
the defendant, Nicole Naples?

I do.

Could you state the nature
of your relationship with her?

Six years ago, we were
roommates for about a year.

Roommates? Was the relationship sexual?

Objection. How is this relevant?

Ms. Naples sat up
here yesterday, pontificating

the virtues of her marriages.

-And how does this witness bear any--
-If I could be allowed?

Oh, pipe down, Mr. Tisbury! Your Honor,
this is out of order.

Defense will be arguing jury nullification
here, that her actions were reasonable.

I'm entitled to explore the promiscuity--

Your Honor, you clearly heard me
tell him to pipe down!

Mr. Cage, one more outburst,
I will tape your mouth shut.

Do not think I'm kidding.

Now sit.

So, Ms. Cupp, you had a partnership of the
lesbian variety with the defendant?

Actually, we're both heterosexual,

but I suppose the relationship
was of the lesbian variety.

I'm a little confused.

Well, if he's confused, Your Honor, that's
doubt. A reasonable doubt.

If the prosecution has a reasonable doubt,
how can we not dismiss this?

If you're both heterosexual, was the
relationship experimental?

Not really.

Look, we were very close friends...

with many common interests,

bonded in a multitude of arenas...

with one particular
consensus in particular.

Which was?

For women, sex is mostly in the touching.

(groans)

And it is unfortunate
for heterosexual ladies,

but the truth is...

no one knows how, or where,
to touch a woman...

better than another woman.

I happen to know.

And Nicole?

She definitely knows.

She was able to go places
men don't even know exist.

Men think erotic is...

boom, bang,

rough, deep.

-Women know.
-(gulps)

Nicole knew.

Erotic is soft and gentle.

Sometimes delicate.

Sitting over there...

is the most delicate touch on Earth.

Trust me.

I contract just looking at her.

(muffled) Oh, my God.

That's all I have.

No court will ever let a claim stand for
sexual harassment within a marriage.

-Why not?
-Come on, Wilson.

The government's dying to get
into the bedroom, Joshua.

-Not when it comes to marriage.
-Look, we can discuss the merits all day.

There are no merits.

The only question you really
have to ask yourself--

and I suggest you put it to your client--

What are his friends gonna say?
His colleagues?

(gasps) His girlfriend?

It comes out, when this guy serves up
his Quarter Pounder,

he asks the customer to hold the mayo.

Is that what this is?
You're gonna blackmail him?

Goes to a pattern of sexual harassment.

You're scum.

I may be, but that isn't relevant.
The cheeseburger is.

And as to whether I'll use it at trial?

Well, only for the beginning,
the middle and the end.

And, Joshua, I'll enjoy myself.
Tell your client that.

Tell him to bring his patty, bring the
pickle, bring the ketchup.

I'll bring the relish. (laughs)

In fact, this sounds like so much fun,
I don't want to settle.

(laughs)

-(exhales)
-Look, I'm not proud of his tactics,

but the fact is, there is enough relevance
to introduce that stuff.

Let's you and I talk, without Mr. Jade.

-See if we can make it go away.
-He can't do this.

I know how you're feeling,
but he can do this.

Let's you and I settle it from under him.

It is not the end of the world.

It is, damn it. That witness
just hurt us, Liza.

-Why?
-Why? Did you say "Why?"

They just depicted her as being this
expert on... touching.

Oh. Gee.

Look, our whole case depends
on her not being abhorrent.

Now, in addition to having
two husbands, she had a--

(honking)

a-a toucher.

I think he's mad
'cause his mouth got taped.

John, the thing with Tally, I--

It happened when I was going through some
trouble in my marriages.

That's not really who I am.

I don't get off on touching
other heterosexual women.

I don't see how this
really affects our case.

Nicole, for us to win here, you have to
seem relatable to the jury.

And that just became a whole lot more
difficult. Trust me.

Am I less relatable to you?

Uh, uh, yeah, to be honest, yes.

I mean--The Kingston Trio didn't sing a
song about a woman with two husbands...

who... liked to touch female radiologists.

(honking)

We all have pasts. I'm sure you do.

-I'm not judging you.
-Yes, you are.

As your lawyer, I'm recommending
we try to plead out.

I want to keep going.

May I ask why?

I guess I'm willing to accept the jury's
verdict, but not yours.

I know I'm short,
but I think she likes you.

Okay.

Well, well, well.

-Hi, Morgan.
-Hi!

-How's the trial going?
-What's the catch?

Well, I was upset to find out
that people could go online...

and access birth records
and learn people's real names.

Until I learned yours, Liza.
Or should I say Debbie?

Well, you'd better run off
to court, Debbie.

You wouldn't want to be late
for trial, Debbie.

Have a nice day, Debbie.

(exhales)

-I could've sworn I heard--
-Claire?

Oh, Nelle, hello.

Hmm. What are you doing?

I'm--I'm going to the little girls' room.

Any reason you couldn't use the door?

-(toilet flushing)
-I think she was lookin' for me.

Oh. Hello! I'm Claire Otoms.

-(rattling)
-Uh, did you talk to him?

I just got off the phone. Uh, come on.
I'll fill you in. I just called Connie.

-Jade.
-Fish.

-Hey, Claire.
-(door closes)

(gasps)

She broke the law. It's as simple as that.

And that's the only thing
you need to ask yourself.

Did Nicole Naples knowingly marry a man
while legally married to another?

She did.

The real question, however,

is whether you are going to live up to
your sworn duty to uphold this law.

The defense wants you
to ignore your burden.

They're counting on
you liking the defendant and not wanting

to put her in jail.

But that's not the issue,
ladies and gentlemen--

whether Nicole Naples is a nice person.

I'm sure she is.

The issue is, did she break the law?

She did.

-Oh.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was closing.

-No. We agreed.
-Well, I've prepared one.

Uh, well, let's be fair.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

Mr. Cage? Ms. Bump?

One of you close. The other sit.

Okay. You go.

Silly, isn't it?

Silly us.

Silly trial.

Silly law.

The government legislating
our personal lives,

our choices of who
and how many we can commit to.

That-- That's just silly.

These are no longer the times
of Ozzie and Harriet.

Things have changed.
And they have to, don't they?

Over 50% of traditional
marriages fail today.

And we've got to be open to new ideas.

The law has to keep pace
with these changing times.

Well, this one doesn't.

This one says throw people in jail
for being nontraditional.

Oh, come on.

Nicole Naples didn't seek
to capitalize on tax laws,

insurance benefits.

She didn't prosper financially.
She didn't exploit anybody.

All she did...

was to formally commit...

to two men.

Two men she loved deeply.

And I'll tell you, with-with
so many people going around

today not loving anybody,

how can the government jail a person...

for loving too much?

That is just silly.

You know, we Americans, we talk
a pretty good game of tolerance.

Well, talk is over now.

It's time for you to show us--

are we open-minded as a people, tolerant?

That's one question.

Is Nicole Naples really a criminal?

That's another.

And as you walk back to
that room, ladies and gentlemen,

you remember,

when you decide her fate,

you pass judgment on all of us.

Is that a lot? 225?

I won't lie to you, although I'm quite
capable of doing so.

-If we win at trial, we could get more.
-Oh.

But we could also lose at summary
judgment, in which case, we'd get nothing.

We should grab it quickly and scream.

I think we would lose at summary judgment.

Well--Okay.

225,000.

I told you I'd
get you something, didn't I?

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you, both of you. I'm very grateful.

We'll call you
after we draft the settlement.

Okay.

Thank you again.

(sighs)

You must proselytize nicely.

Oh, I think it was your scummy, sleazy
blackmail that put us over the top.

Thank you.

I must say, so many women
lawyers today have that...

disgusting heart of gold
beneath their slick exteriors.

But you?

-You're so refreshing.
-I appreciate that.

Until we scheme again.

Until.

They came back pretty fast, didn't they?

Well, it wasn't a very
complicated case, Nicole.

You okay?

I'm having a little trouble
with this whole "Debbie" thing.

Will the defendant please rise?

Mr. Foreman, has the jury
reached a verdict?

-We have, Your Honor.
-What say you?

On the matter of The Commonwealth
versus Nicole Naples,

on the charge of bigamy, we find the
defendant, Nicole Naples, guilty.

Fix!

Ms. Bump?

Members of the jury,
this completes your service.

Ms. Naples, the jury finds you guilty.

The court sentences you to
three months, all suspended.

This case is adjourned.

-(gavel raps)
-What happened?

No jail time. That's great.
That is fantastic.

The judge must have a mistress.

♪ But would he ever return
Oh, he never returned ♪

♪ And his fate is still unlearned ♪

♪ He may ride forever
'neath the streets of Boston ♪

♪ He's the man who never returned ♪

♪♪ (continues)

-Is this Mexican?
-It's Mexico meets the Kingston Trio.

I didn't know you were
so up on music, Debbie.

(growling)

Oh, Morgan, there's so much
you don't know about me.

Oh, we all have our
little secrets, don't we?

-Excuse me, big woman.
-(snorts)

-Could you wait until you're spoken to?
-Oh, certainly, little Hobbit.

Little pip-squeak.

Come on, Wilson. Let's get out of here.

I think I'm gonna stick around here,
but thanks.

What's the word on Wilson, Nelle?

-Any good?
-Oh, he's good, Richard. He's very good.

-Should we keep him?
-Oh, yeah.

♪ He will ride forever
'neath the streets of Boston ♪

-♪ He's the man who never returned ♪♪
-(yelps)

That was so much fun. It was almost worth
standing trial.

-And I even get to keep the outfit.
-And you're a good singer.

Oh, I wish my husbands could have seen me.

Why didn't they?

Well, it turns out they were
both busy, and it seemed like a

lawyer celebration dinner, so--

I was happy to spend
tonight with Tom Dooley.

-Thank you, John.
-Oh, I'm just glad everything worked out.

You know, uh, when I was little,
we moved once.

I made a little apartment out
of one of the wardrobe boxes.

It was basically my room for four years.

That's all I could think of
when I saw your hole.

Well, it's-- it's late, but--

Would you like to get some dinner
maybe, sometime?

I would like nothing better
than to have dinner with you,

but I'm going to say no.

Okay.

If--(chuckles) If I wasn't very careful,

I could fall in love with you.

Ah.

Well,

they say good things come in threes.

No, I'm too old-fashioned for that, but--

Yeah. I respect your right
to choose your life.

It's just, uh, isn't my life.

I figured that.

Well, good night.

Good night.

(keys jangling)

Oh! Uh, the, uh-- The hat.

Oh, why don't you keep it?
So you won't forget.

VONDA: ♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪♪

WOMAN: You stinker!