All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S05E16.2001.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal...

The bank sent me.
There's an electrical problem.

They want me
to bring the place up to code.

-Are you Allison McBeal?
-I am.

-I'm your daughter.
-Is she my genetic daughter?

Apparently, she is.

-We're mortified--
-You're mortified?

-(roaring)
-(screaming)

I'm a mother.

-John's gone again.
-Oh, brother.

-Where is he now?
-Mexico.

-He's leaving the firm.
-What?

-Not completely. But as of now,
he's a part-time Biscuit.

So what will the firm be called?

Fish and... and McBeal?

They're talking about French-kissing.

-No, no, no, no.
-I don't want them

-talking about French-kissing.
-Ally--

Give me a demonstration with Victor!

-Victor's cute.
-Victor and I are not

-right for each other, Maddie.
-Why not?

We just come from two different worlds,

and it takes a lot more...

for two people to become a couple

than just wanting to jump each other's--

Hullo! I'm Claire Otoms.

I'm told you were terminated for--

Sexual harassment.

The woman is a predator,
Your Honor, a sexual menace.

You are driving this place
into the ground.

-Well, I--
-We need to let somebody go,

at least one, maybe two.

-I'll hire you.
-What?

I mean, I'm offering you a job.

First, you go around axing people.

Now I get a note
that says you want to hire.

We need to hire
an associate with portables.

Glenn took clients.
We need to find somebody

who has others he or she can bring in.

I extended an offer to Raymond Millbury.

-What is wrong with you?
-You're fired.

-What?
-Get your little wrench

and-and go.

Here's your check, you big turd.

And to think that
I came here to ask you out.

-Yeah, as if I'd be interested.
-Go to hell!

Are we done here?

No. I'm still asking you out.

-Why?
-Because I like you, Victor.

And you can pick me up
in your-- your truck.

♪ We got it together didn't we? ♪

♪ We've definitely got our thing
together, don't we, baby? ♪

♪ Isn't that nice? ♪

♪ Nobody but you and me. ♪

♪ We've got it together, baby. ♪

(person breathing heavily)

Victor.

I can't take it anymore, Ally.
Enough is enough.

Let's get to it.

And then I woke up,
and it was just a dream.

You know, I'm not usually
thrown by my dreams.

But this one, it was-- it was--it was so--

Oh, the problem is, Claire,

is that I-I-I'm not in control again.

I'm-I'm-I'm usually in control
of my fantasies.

I can manipulate my unconscious,
but-but now,

they just keep popping up when I don't

want them to, and I just--

You know, we're coming up
on the third date.

-Ah.
-The sex date.

(Claire's voice) What are you afraid of?

-Ally?
-Uh-huh--Yes. Yes?

What are you afraid of?

Well, I-I think that I'm, um,

afraid that it will be totally fantastic.

And as much as I like Victor--

and I do, I do, I do, I do--

but I-I don't, uh--

I don't want to fall in love with him.

And you think if you let him
into your little temple,

he might snorkel his way
up to your cockles?

(chuckles) You--You have

such a-- a way with words, Claire.

Oh, Ally,

I don't pretend to be psychic,
or even clairvoyant.

But when I look at you,
I see a tender woman.

I see a vulnerable one too.

But then,

when I hear about
your fears and trepidations,

I see an elitist little snot...

who can't bear the idea
of shacking up with a plumber!

Get over it, Ally McBeal.

This man fiddles with pipes for a living.

Why not let him have a wee go at yours?

♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ever since he broke your heart ♪

♪ You seem so lost ♪

♪ Each time you pass his way ♪

♪ Hey, there, lonely girl ♪

♪ Lonely girl ♪

♪ Don't you know
this lonely boy loves you ♪

Okay, next up, Richardson
versus Price Communications.

-What's that?
-Mine. Holly Richardson

was fired for not attending a
Bully Broad class. We're suing.

-Bully Broad?
-It's real.

It's a feminization program.

More and more corporations

are making their female
executives attend them.

-You gotta be kidding.
-Oh, I wish I were.

You got a bigger problem.
I know your opposing counsel.

Jack Mitchell just got replaced.

They're bringing in Liza Bump.

Bump? Her name is Bump?

The one they call Lolita now.

You're going up against Lolita.

What are you talking about?

No, I've heard of her.

So have I.

-Well, who is she?
-She's 21 years old. Tiny.

The most innocent-looking
thing in the world.

And a killer.

-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-She went through high school

in two years, college in two.

Now she goes through anybody

who goes up against her... like butter.

Well, she's not going
through me, not on this case.

FISH: All right.

Next item, Ally. Uh, hiring.

Oh. Oh, uh, yes.

I've been, uh, meeting with
candidates today and tomorrow,

and I'm hoping to extend an offer

-by the end of the week.
-Excellent.

Best of luck on your date tonight.

Richard!

Hey, this is big, Ally. It's the sex date.

(sighs)

As senior partner,

(voice speeding up) I hereby resolve
that, uh, the personal lives of lawyers...

shall not be discussed
during staff meetings.

All in favor, aye, as in I. Motion passes.

(normal voice) Can I, uh, see you
in private, Richard? Yeah.

I-I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Never mind that.

You said we could get John Cage
back if we needed him?

-I did.
-Well, we need him.

I have heard stories
about this Lolita character.

She is gonna chew through Nelle
like a piece of wet cardboard.

We have got to get John on a plane,

and maybe we can push
the trial back to tomorrow.

-He's not in Mexico.
-He's not?

Uh, he's working

at a Mexican restaurant in Boston.

-I-I beg your pardon?
-Well, he's, uh--

He's a waiter or something
at Las Posadas.

I've heard it from three different people

who've eaten there.

Has he completely gone off the deep end?

You know, uh, maybe.

I-I figure he must not want us to know.

But--You really think we need him?

I do.

So sorry to intrude, but I have news.

-You're pregnant?
-No.

But you're on the right track.

Ally, after our discussion last night,

I went home with my libido
in full regalia,

and I played trains and tunnels

with my special someone...

so that he became even more special.

Uh, I'm-I'm not following.

I'm getting married!

(stammering) Can we back up a second?

You-You played trains and
tunnels with somebody?

Not just somebody. A special somebody.

-Oh.
-He's coming in this afternoon.

We'll all meet him.

Oh, thank you, Ally.

You inspired me to--

to do rude things with him last night.

By the way, have you and Victor...

had a little... chafing of the loins yet?

Uh--Uh, no.

No, but... thanks for asking.

I'm sorry. You are?

Uh... Todd Merrick.

We... have an appointment.

-Huh. For tomorrow.
-Right.

Yes, I know that.

But I figured if
I'm gonna be working here,

best come check out the place

absent the vice of a formal interview.

-You're Ally McBeal?
-Yes.

Interesting.

-Senior partner?
-Yes.

-Huh. Interesting.
-I-I-I'm sorry.

Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?

I just told you that.
But even if I hadn't,

shouldn't the wooer be at least feigning

a little excitement to the woo-ee?

Of course, I am a litigator,

so my compass is probably more
finely tuned to human behavior.

Do you ever get to court, Ally?

Okay. The interview

will take place tomorrow.

I will be the one asking the questions,

and you will be the one
in the suit and tie,

minus the cap.

Would that be okay with you, Mr. Merrick?

-Ah.
-What "ah"?

Nothing. I'll look forward to tomorrow.

-Fine.
-Fine.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Given that we're really trying
to get this guy,

don't you think you should've been nice?

Uh-uh. Who-Who-Who does he think he is?

I think he knows who he is.

(Mariachi music)

I can try this case myself, Richard.

Granted.
But if this woman is as good as--

-I can beat her.
-It's also a good chance

for us to get John back.

-How we doin'?
-Uh, fine.

We could use a different waiter though.

A little one who stutters.

Maybe a nose whistle.

I know you've got one. We're in a hurry,

so off you go.

From what I hear of this Lolita,

she does better against men.

Nelle, you're a fine attorney.

But John's the best litigator we have,

and he--Oh, my God.

(singing in Spanish)

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

Ay, ay-ay, ay-ay!

♪ Ay, ay-ay, ay-ay ♪

♪♪

You know, Ally, there is no rule

that you two have to have sex.

I-I-I know that, but it's--

I can tell that it is so
in the air with both of us,

that it's becoming really conspicuous.

How so?

Well, uh--Okay.

The other night we went to
this really nice restaurant.

And-And-- Oh, he was so cute.

You know, he put on

this little tie
and this little coat, and--

And when we were saying good-bye,

it was like, okay,
here comes the first big kiss.

I could feel my heart start beating,

and even my lips were beating.

And I know that he was feeling
the same way, 'cause--

'cause he just--
he looked like, you know--

And, uh, well, we just like so wanted to

kiss each other, and-and--

-Well, it--
-(heartbeat pounding)

It-It just, um--

Well, we just-- We-We-We ended
up not kissing each other,

because it just-- there was
just so much pressure.

So-So the idea of-of,
you know, making love is--

I remember the first time with my ex.

He got food poisoning.

(knocking)

-Hello?
-Oh, Jerome!

-Come in. Hello!
-Hello.

Ally, this is Jerome,

my special someone.

-Hi.
-Hello, Ally.

Claire speaks so highly of you.

Oh. Thank you.

How'd the sex go with Victor?

Oh, Jerome, your manners!

(whispering) It hasn't happened yet.

(clears throat)

So, how, uh, long
have you two been an item?

We've been together three months now.

Three months? Wow.

That's really fast to be
getting married, isn't it?

Well, Ally, if I moved at your pace,

I'd be, well, dead.

-(chuckles)
-(men singing in Spanish)

I did go to Mexico. I lasted one day.

Why?

Well, the dysentery hit at hour 12.

Plus, it wasn't there.

-What wasn't there?
-My Mexico.

Not the one I went to find.

No mariachis, no sequined clothing.

None of the simplicity

and sunlit charm I've-- I've found here.

We need you, John.

Oh, please, Richard.

This Lolita pulls stunts, little tricks.

She's vicious in there,
according to Raymond.

-Nelle is vicious.
-Thank you.

You said if we ever had a case

where we needed you, you'd come back.

I mean-- We need you.

I've heard tales of this Lolita.

Fire.

I saw fire in your eyes.

Does this mean you're coming back?

If I must.

Gracias.

De nada.

Saturday? This Saturday?

Why wait? If it's right, it's right.

Well, yes.

But can't you just wait a little bit?

Ally, between us girlfriends,

I'm not a young woman,

and my supply of nectar is running low.

And what little is left is... curdled.

-What's goin' on?
-Richard!

You're just the guy I need to see.

I have a date tonight,
as the whole world knows,

and I need you to take over.

Take over what?

I'm not sure of Jerome's motives.

Who's Jerome?

He's the special someone, damn it!

-Now, I need you--
-Oh!

I need you to get a prenup
drafted and signed.

-Why me?
-Well, because

you're the maid of honor.

It's the least you can do.

Claire has money and Jerome
doesn't, and I don't trust it.

Now get Corretta to help you if you--

(elevator bell dings)

Hello. I'm Liza Bump.
I'm looking for Nelle Porter.

Could you direct me, please?

Oh, uh, she's in John Cage's
office back in the--

Thank you.

-Is that who I think it is?
-Lolita.

Ah.

Sorry I'm late.

Pedestrians. I brake for them.

New Year's resi. Oh, how cute!

You look like a little Stuffy!

Makes me wanna do this.

I bet you get that all the time. Wow.

You're gorgeous. I'm Liza Bump.

I now represent Price Communications,

which I enjoy doing.

So cute!

I go for older men, though not this old.

Do you talk, or I have to pull a string?

You're not getting off to
a very good start at all.

The discharge was valid.
You can't win this one.

Even if you could, for how much? Please.

Wouldn't it be more fun to settle?

I am sorry. Pinch a cheek, let go.

Duh. Common sense. I'm young. I'll learn.

225,000. Say yes, you can buy me dinner.

We can discuss your products.

One million. You buy dinner.

Please don't make me try this case.

I'm not prepared.

Oh, you seem prepared to me.
One million, or trial.

(sighs) Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

Trial.

Prenuptial?

Well, Claire, you have money, he doesn't.

We just wanna make sure you're protected.

Have you even broached this with him?

Well, I did mention protection once.

He put on a condom.

Oh. No, no. We, uh--

We mean, uh, uh, financial protection.

God forbid things don't work out,

we'd hate to see you

forced to pay alimony or a big amount--

He'll blink at that idea.

Oh, uh, prenups are very common.

No, no, no. I mean he'll blink.

He's got this disorder.

Every time he gets nervous, he blinks.

I don't like it when he blinks.

It makes me start to blink. It's horrible!

Claire, let us take it up with him.

It doesn't have to seem
like it's coming from you.

Okay.

Are you havin' a lousy time?

No. Why?

Well, things just feel a little stiff.

Maybe we should bring Maddie
along on our dates.

Or maybe you and Maddie
could just go out together.

Or better yet, maybe you could just

sit it out, wait eight years.

She'll be your type--

little teenager, perky little body.

Is that it, Victor?

I'm sorry. I'm--

It's okay. What's the matter?

Well, it's just that, um--

Well, I-I-- This is our third date.

And this is the big sex date.

You're not nervous at all?

There's nothin' to be nervous about.

If we ever have sex,

it's gonna be because it feels right.

"If we ever"?

So-So-So it could, you know,

it could-- it could be a ways off?

I don't know when it's gonna be.

It's not gonna do either one of us

any good to worry about it.

Oh, well, Maddie worries.

About when we're gonna have sex?

About if-if-- She's just
riding on us as a couple.

And-And the further we go,
the more invested she becomes.

So I-I worry, and
I just don't want to move

too fast and-and blow you.

(alarm blaring)

"It." No, it, it, it, it, it, it, it.

I meant to say "blow it."

Ally. All right.

We're not gonna have sex tonight.

But I'm not goin' anywhere.

Thank you.

I'm a tough executive.

I don't dispute that. I can be demanding.

-Are you a bully?
-Absolutely not.

I was shocked when they asked me

to attend this Bully Broad seminar.

Ms. Richardson, did your
employer state a reason

for your unlawful termination?

Objection! Hello? Leading!

I would ask that counsel
rise to lodge her objections.

You're making short jokes?

(nose whistling)

Well, if that isn't the pot--

(whistling continues)

Ms. Bump? Sit.

Ms. Richardson, why were you fired?

Evidently, some of the male
employees found me to be bitchy.

So Mr. Horace thought that I could learn

to be softer, more feminine.

He thought that I could benefit

from anti-assertiveness training.

But when I refused to submit to it,

he fired me.

-You don't seem bitchy to me.
-Thank you.

Anti-assertiveness.
Are you confrontational?

No more than a man.
But because I'm a woman,

what, I shouldn't stand up for myself?

And you stood up to Mr. Horace
on this, didn't you?

-Yes, I did.
-Thank you.

Oh. Is that your husband?

-Yes.
-Handsome.

Hey, you! Hold on a second.

Oh. Hi. Is it Nil?

-It's Nelle.
-Where's Stuffy?

He's with the client. What am I missing?

Clearly, you don't really
think you can win this.

Clearly, I must. But--I'm young.

Uh, maybe foolish. Were you ever?

-Foolish?
-Young. Tell you what.

I'll throw in an extra 50.

50,000. Your client gets more,

you and the Stuffy
avoid the embarrassment...

of losing a no-brainer,

which you seem to think this is.

So, come on, Null.

-Let's just--
-It's Nelle.

Tell the Stuffy 50 more
just for being cute.

When's he ever gonna hear that again?

Have you ever seen the Stuffy in court?

No. And I've heard so much about him.

Not a peep about you, by the way.

But that's one of the reasons
I wanna go forward.

'Cause everybody says he's so good.

He is. Trust me.

Gee. When I factor in trusting you--

Eeny, meeny, I'm a weeny. Trial.

You would take a cut in salary,
but you'd be getting equity...

sooner than you would
in any other big firm.

I'd need two secretaries

and a junior associate
assigned directly to me.

Uh, wh-wh-why?

Well, you wanna hire me
because you've seen my billings.

I get that much work done

because I have the resources to do it.

And why aren't you listening to me?

Sorry?

You wanna convince me to
come here, and you seem bored.

Do I need to spice up my answers?

Oh, no. I'm-I'm just--
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, it-it's, uh, it's not you.

I'm just a little, um,

distracted by, um, something else.

The sex date?

People talk,

especially in your unisex.
What's the big problem?

Let's just stick to the interview.

I am sticking to it.

I'll be working for you. And to be honest,

I have concerns about
comin' to work for a woman...

who has trouble relating to men,
even in her personal life.

I have no trouble relating
to men, thank you.

And now we're talking clipped.
Are we pressed for time?

My private life is not now...

nor ever will be any issue
of your employment.

-Yes, it is.
-Why?

Ally, you're senior partner
at a very young age.

You have your own house.
I'm told you have a child.

You have this whole complete
life without a male partner.

This makes you an alpha female type "A."

The benign assumption would be
that you're independent.

The more malignant--

Ding-ding. Man-hater. Stay away.

Did it ever occur to you
that I might just be gay?

Hmm. No. Gay women don't send off

those kind of signals.

What signals?

The "Oh, I think he's cute" signals.

Are you--Have you--

Sent them to me soon as I walked in.

-Oh, I did not.
-Did too.

-I did not.
-Did too.

-I did not.
-Did too!

-Get out!
-You mean I'm not hired?

Out!

I never interview well.

-A pre-what?
-Nup.

May I ask why?

It's strictly a precaution, Jerome.

This isn't coming from Claire.

-It's our idea.
-A precaution for what?

Well, if, for whatever
reason, the marriage failed--

RICHARD: Yeah, we want
to spare, uh, Claire...

the financial hardship
that could be caused, uh--

Are you all right?

I'm caught to the quick.

I thought we had a love like no other.

We do. We do!

Well, I must say, I'm extremely befuddled.

I mean, we're about to be betrothed

with vows of "forever,"

"till death do us part,"
"what God has joined together."

And you want to throw in
a rider "but just in case"?

-Look at him blink.
-Jerome.

Without passing any kind of judgment

on your relationship,
we have to face facts.

Fifty percent of all
marriages end in divorce.

Look. I'm sure we look like
just another couple to you.

Not exactly.

It's not that I'm after her money.

But the idea of preparing for,
or even anticipating failure,

or even making room for the idea of it--

I mean, how am I supposed to respond?

I told you he'd blink.

Draft up what you like. I'll sign it.

He won't be sipping from
the nectar trough tonight.

Oh.

-Here you go.
-(elevator bell dings)

-Oh. Lolita.
-My name is Liza Bump.

I don't appreciate that other moniker.

-Where's John Cage?
-Why?

-It's personal.
-What's personal?

I've come to apologize.

The pinching of your cheek,

that little pucker I threw you in court--

Who's kidding who?

I am sexually attracted to you.

If I'm no longer going
to deny it to myself,

I probably shouldn't deny it to you.

I'll try not to let it affect me in court.

I hope it doesn't affect you.

Again, I apologize.

You seem sad.

-Oh, well--
-Tell me about it.

Maybe I can help.

I'm good at helping people.

Al?

-(clears throat)
-I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said what I said.

When I have opinions,
I tend to reveal them.

And you certainly had an opinion

about this, didn't you?

Look. I went down a path
with a single mom,

and it fell apart
at the very moment your--

So when I see a woman
overcomplicating things,

it hits a nerve.

I'm really sorry.

No, it-- No, it's--I'm sorry.

I--Well, you know, I-I didn't know.

You know, if I had, I--

I certainly would have,
you know, called you a dope.

You think I'm overcomplicating this?

I am not overcomplicating this!

This is complicated!

Okay? My daughter is
falling for this guy, okay?

I see her with him.

I'm falling for him with her.

And the way he makes her feel
affects the way that I feel.

And I don't know whether--

-Excuse me!
-(making popping sounds)

I don't know whether I am
pursuing my own happiness,

or whether I am pursuing her happiness,

so it is complicated.

That could have been
what was going on with you

and your single mom friend,

but-but the fact that
it never even occurred to you--

Well, that brings me quickly back to dope!

No offense!

Notwithstanding the very real possibility

that your feelings for this man...

are inextricably bound up
with his relationship

with your daughter, it's a third date!

Third dates aren't complicated!

You just decide whether you
wanna sleep with him or not!

Right! Right!

Which brings me right back to get out!

-You get out!
-This is my office!

But you're the girl, and after the fight,

the girl always runs out!

Yet another opinion best not revealed.

I'll see ya.

This wasn't punishment.

This was about trying to get
her to be a better executive.

But, Mr. Horace,

a seminar to make her more feminine?

HORACE: We were trying to soften her.

She was alienating the male employees.

It was compromising productivity.

These seminars teach people
how to cultivate loyalty

and incentive to perform.

Holly is a smart woman.

But for the men to refuse to work with her

or for her, it was a problem.

Holly's problem.

And I was trying to help her address it.

You sent three other female executives

to this Bully Broad seminar.

With excellent results.
They all thanked me for it.

NELLE: Ever send any men to
these camps to make them softer?

HORACE: No. But I haven't had complaints

about my male executives.

So it's okay for a man to be a tough boss,

but not a woman?

Any boss has to be able
to motivate, not alienate.

That didn't answer my question.

Is there a double standard?

Perhaps. But I can't change that.

What I can do is learn to deal with it.

And by dealing with it,

you mean making the women become softer.

-Helping women to be liked.
-By being softer?

Well... yes.

Thank you.

I have to admit, Mr. Horace,

this doesn't seem quite fair.

If we're too feminine,

we get punished for that too, don't we?

-Wh-What do you mean?
-Oh, come on.

If I were to spray myself with perfume,

that could seem a little calculating.

And if I were to flirt,
or come on to a man,

that's inappropriate.

I know girls who like to reach over men,

say, to get something.

All right, Your Honor.
Let the record reflect...

she just grazed my johnson.

(chuckles) I'm sorry.
There are all sorts of ways...

women use their feminine
wiles in the workplace.

Where do you draw the line
between being too imperious

and too feminine?

Where do you say a woman should be softer?

When do you decide she needs this seminar?

From my perspective,
if she is deeply hated

by everybody, she needs the seminar.

That seems fair.

ALLY: So, the number to the bar
is-is on the refrigerator.

And, uh, again, uh, Maddie's
bedtime is, uh, is 9:00.

And if for any reason you need to, uh--

Is she getting any of this?

No, but I am.

All right. Um, you know, am I, um,

being worse than Bonnie,
going out every night?

It's only two nights.

No, I know. I know.

But I just--I feel-- I feel guilty.

-I just--I think a mom--
-If it all works out

with Victor, it'll all be worth it.

Honey, it might not work out with Victor.

I know.

-Now, we are at the very--
-Shh!

WOMAN: The blue color
just kind of puts you

right in the tropics, doesn't it?

-Does-Does she--
-(doorbell buzzes)

(sighs) Okay.

-Good night, my love.
-Good night.

-Hey.
-Hey. Hi, Maddie.

You look awesome.

No, I just-- Really?

No, I-- You know, I just,
um-- Actually, I really--

I didn't even have time to get ready.

I just, uh, got home from work and--

-Ready?
-Ready.

She totally controlled you in there, John.

The-The fingers running through the hair.

-(elevator bell dings)
-Well, why didn't you object?

John, we went to that
Mexican restaurant to get you,

because this is a case for the Biscuit.

-Where's the Biscuit?
-"Where's the Biscuit"?

Now that sounds like a fun game.
Can I play?

-What do you want?
-What do I want?

I could be here to give up

and present you with a check
for a million dollars.

Show of hands. Who thinks that's it?

Or I could be delivering
a summons and complaint.

Can you accept service
for your firm, John?

-What is this?
-I represent Jerome Trouper.

He's suing Cage, Fish and McBeal

for interference with marital relations.

Evidently, your people wedged a distrust

between my client and his fiancée.

-You can't sue for that.
-Oh, but I have.

I'm pretty sure I'm driven by the merits.

Or, I could just be inventing ways

to get into a room with you, John.

Well, you're in the room
with me now, youngster,

and you're gonna know I'm in that room.

Now, on the other case,
I think we can settle.

-Let's hear it.
-Not now.

Why don't you stop by Jersey's Gym tonight

on your way home from work.

We'll put the whole matter to bed.

9:00?

John, we have to get that little bitch.

Have no fear, Nelle. She is a bagel.

A bagel?

I meant to say toast. No fear.

♪ In the still of the night ♪

♪ I held you, held you tight ♪

♪ 'Cause I love--♪

I don't know why you're so glum, Jerome.

I've dropped the demand.

It's just-- It brings up
an old issue, Claire.

I don't believe you think
I really love you.

I think you think our
relationship is purely physical.

That's not just it, Jerome.

The fact is that I love
our quiet moments together.

Reading a book next to you
beside an open fire.

Rubbing each other's feet.

I mean, while it's true

that I enjoy playing hot dogs and buns,

it's-- it's what's inside that counts.

♪♪

-Hi.
-(indistinct)

Yeah, right in aerobics.

John! You came.

-I knew you would.
-Look, Liza.

If you wanna get serious
about a settlement--

I'm dripping wet. Let me change first.

Or, better yet, why don't
you meet me at the hot tub?

-We can discuss it there.
-No, no, no. I don't--

You can get trunks
at reception. You'll love it.

(humming)

(humming loudly)

♪ There is someone ♪

♪ Walking behind you ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ And there is someone ♪

♪ To love and guide you ♪

-Wanna leave?
-Where will we go?

Motel 6. We leave the lights on.

How about I just
take you back to my place?

-Maddie's there.
-Oh, but, see,

I had a lock installed on my door.

-Well, Ally?
-Yes?

I installed it.

Oh. Right.

(chuckles) Right.

♪ Turn around ♪

-♪ Look at me ♪
-You okay?

-♪ Turn around ♪
-Hmm? Sure. Sure.

♪ Look at me ♪♪

It's not my way of doing
business, youngster.

Just get in.

Hot! It's hot! A little hot!

I've got three more female executives...

who swear by the Bully Broad
program, John.

They're ready to testify.

The fact that your client
refused to even try it--

It's gender biased.

She was under no obligation to try it.

-Give me your foot.
-Why?

'Cause you seem all stiff.
I know reflexology.

(yells)

-Oops!
-You tried to drown me!

I'm sorry.

Did you swallow water?
I can Hoover it right out.

Never mind! Talk chicken or I'm gone.

"Talk chicken"?

I meant to say "turkey." Just move along.

-Do I rattle you?
-Just talk!

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Right on, mmm ♪

♪ Keep right on doin' it ♪

♪ You got it together ♪

♪ Baby, keep on ♪

♪ Oh, you got it together, baby ♪

♪ Right on ♪

♪ Keep on doin' it ♪

♪ I get it, baby Oh, did I get it ♪

♪ You got it together Baby, keep on ♪

♪ I swear you got it together, baby ♪

♪ Keep on, keep on ♪

♪ Whenever, wherever ♪

(woman on TV, indistinct)

Look at that. The bald spot's gone!

-Need me to drive her home?
-Oh, I don't know.

She got here by herself. I don't--

Mary Ellen, we're home.

Okay, see, I pay, uh,

$15 an hour for these watchful eyes.

Hey, Mary-- Mary Ellen, we're--

(clattering)

Mary Ellen?

Victor, I have a bad feeling
about Mary Ellen.

Even if you got three years' earnings,
that's 532,000.

The present day value of that is less.

Mmm!

Plus, if we settle some of this

under her emotional distress
claim, that's tax free.

She comes out ahead taking 350, John.

You're forgetting punis.

-Who told you?
-Told me what?

That I love... that word.

Some people call me little, but...

I like to refer to myself as puny.

-Oh.
-There's something

erotic about that word, John.

Have you ever been called puny?

Not with good results, no.

You're taking advantage of me,
aren't you?

Uh-- (stuttering)

I-I-I know what you're doing.

You're doing your little Lolita thing.

You're trying to rattle me
as a trial attorney.

-I thought I didn't.
-Didn't what?

-Rattle you.
-You don't!

-My johnson!
-Wasn't it great?

This meeting is over.

Four hundred. Final offer.

You bit off more than you could chew.

Tease.

(police radio chatter)

How-How does rigor mortis set in so fast?

They figured she must have died
as soon as we left the house.

Was it a heart attack?

I think she checked out
during Fear Factor.

-(both scream)
-(grunting)

-MAN: Careful.
-Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I-I know that, um-- that this is hard.

Can I get a kitten?

No. No, no.

Go-Go back up to bed, and, uh--

-(whines)
-No. No. Mmm--

I'll be up soon.

Turn her the other way.

Oh, Victor, it doesn't look like

tonight's gonna be the night.

Doesn't look that way.

(grunting)

-Ally, are you okay?
-No.

No, it's the third date thing.

You know, I-I just want
the sex to be over with.

Oh, what?

You've never seen a woman
who wants to have

the sex part over with?

Well--

(chuckles) No, you--
you can't, uh, sue us.

There's no basis for, uh, uh--

You broke them up.

Look, Liza. We're lawyers.

It's our job to make
people hate each other.

You can't hold us liable for--

Look, Fishy.

May I call you Fishy?

Oh, well, that-- (stammering)

I realize that this little
law firm of yours...

has something against love.

None of you are in relationships.

One of your senior partners
is getting all wigged out,

because she can't get past
first base with a plumber.

And the rest of you
can't so much as get a date.

I have no problem with that.

You're each entitled to your lonely lives.

But when you start to wreak havoc...

between two innocent people
who do believe in love--

two people like-- like Claire and Jerome--

I'm sorry. I just--

(sniffles) I get a little
overly sentimental.

Oh, well, it's--

-Yeah, but--
-I'm a sap for romance.

Don't talk to her.

-And don't talk to him.
-Yeah--Oh!

Keep your mouth shut--

(chuckles)

and I'll drop the lawsuit.

We have to be able to advise her.

You talk, you lose.

Oh, she's vicious!

Your Honor, to hold a law firm liable

for drafting a prenup--
it's unconstitutional.

And the fact that Ms. Bump

didn't even show up
for this hearing is indicative.

She knows she has no case.
She only filed this action

because she has nothing else--

Sorry I'm late. I'm in trial
on the third floor.

I rushed up here on a break.

I didn't even have time
to read the pleadings.

What is this, a motion to dismiss?

Yes, Ms. Bump. This would be
a motion to dismiss.

Where do you get off suing a law firm

for performing legal services?

Oh, that. Well, I've no problem...

with a lawyer drafting a prenup...

if the client so asked for one.

But here, the client-- Oh, there she is.

-Hi, Claire.
-Hello.

She didn't ask them, Your Honor.
They asked her.

They persuaded her.

They planted the seed of distrust.

Now, I know that's what lawyers do--

take a happy situation
and make it acrimonious.

That's how we heat our pools. Fine.

But if they're going to do that,

how about allowing the other side...

to at least have a lawyer present?

They pulled in my client without counsel

and tried to strong-arm this prenup.

That just isn't moral. I'm sorry.

I may be young,
but I know right from wrong.

-Is that true, Mr. Fish?
-What?

You didn't advise him
to get his own attorney?

Uh, bygones, Judge. Res ipsa.

-I beg your pardon?
-Sidebar, Your Honor?

Quickly, 'cause I am in trial.

We'll drop our claim right here
if all members

from Cage, Fish
and McBeal cease and desist--

-That means stop--
-No, uh--Cause.

from dissuading Ms. Otoms
from marrying my client.

-Certainly a prenup--
-Well, the prenup is moot.

Ms. Otoms doesn't want it.

All that's needed here
is to enjoin the evildoers...

from engaging in their
pugnacious dissuasion.

That seems fair.

-Wait a second.
-Agreed.

Okay, then. The case will be dismissed.

You people are gagged from
tryin' to talk her out of it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Huh.

Not one of your colleagues
would consider a move?

Not to this firm.

What happened with Todd Merrick?

Oh, it didn't work out.

Ally, I have three possible sitters,

all in good health.

Ah. Good. Good.

Hi.

-Thought it didn't work out.
-It didn't.

Can we talk for a sec?

Why were you in the bar last night?

Look, my therapist says

that the inner me is-- How do I put this?

-A dick?
-Actually, yes.

That's the exact word he used.

See, half of me wants
to bury this side of me,

while the other half
seeks to out myself...

as a way of purging my... dickedness.

And which part of you feels the need...

to be liked at the end of the day?

I'm-I'm just wondering why you're here.

Experience tells me that it's
a certain kind of woman...

who can expose me for my dicked self.

So, before you get
any further with this guy,

who thus far you're too paralyzed

to go any further with,

-I'm here to ask you out.
-What did you say?

You heard me. I asked you out.

-Why?
-Because I like to fight.

I love neurosis.

And I see you as someone I can
live miserably ever after with.

I mean that in a... good way.
You push my buttons.

I don't want to be
anywhere near your buttons.

-Then why the signal?
-What?

That you sent me. I did not.

-Liar.
-Hey!

You know when you're the most dishonest?

The idea that this current
stalemate with whoever...

is being caused by practical
concerns for your daughter.

You're not a practical person, Ally--

never have been, never will be.

I never said anything
about practical concerns.

-Did too.
-I did not.

-Did too!
-I did not.

-Did too!
-Okay, we are done here.

-Look, Ally--
-No. No, no.

I will not look.

Bye.

(exhales) Sure. Look at her run.

Girl!

You're gonna need to learn
to ignore whatever I say last.

When it was first
suggested to me, I scoffed.

-You scoffed?
-Yes.

The idea of a Bully Broad camp
to soften me? Please.

Were you having trouble
with your employees?

Yes, and I just chalked it up
to discrimination.

When a man is tough,
they call him a leader.

With a woman? She's a bitch.

-But nevertheless, you did go.
-I did.

And much to my shock, I loved it.

-Why?
-Well, it made me realize--

Here I was in a man's world,
trying to be like a man.

Who says I should be like a man?

Who's to say a woman can't
succeed bein' like a woman?

Did the program help you as an executive?

Very much so.

I was better able
to relate to my employees,

the workplace became less hostile,

and productivity went up.

Even so, to be required
to attend a seminar--

Didn't you object to that?

Oh, please.

Executives are sent
to seminars all the time.

As time commitment goes, this was puny.

I'm sorry. Did you say...

puny?

-(coughing, wheezing)
-Are you okay? Can I help?

No, damn it! Just--

-(coughs)
-(weeps)

Oh, objection, Your Honor.
She did that on purpose.

She got me to snap at her

so she could just stand there like Heidi,

looking all upset over Bambi
getting killed or something.

Move to--Uh-- Oh, j-just forget it.

Ms. Bump, are you all right?

If I may, Your Honor?

She thinks that if she cries,
she won't be considered tough,

and lawyers are supposed
to be tough-- so say men.

You're a woman, dear.
It's okay to show your feelings.

(sobbing)

Oh, this is rich.

-(sobbing continues)
-Ten minute break.

(gavel raps)

Why have you brought him here?

Well, uh, we need to reconcile, Claire.

-He broke my trust.
-Did no such thing.

-No, ma'am. Did not.
-You sued my lawyers!

You went behind my back, Jerome!

Maybe we're not right for each other.

Maybe we're not!

Okay, that's enough! Look, we did this.

The lawyers. This whole
thing started with us.

It's not as simple as that, Corretta.

If such a minor little thing like this...

can cause him to overreact
in the way that he is--

Overreact? You wanted to add

a failure clause to a wedding contract.

Look at him blink!

I'm blinking at the idea of marrying you!

Well, perhaps I don't want to marry you!

Well, fine! I'll take
the bottle of champagne

and christen another yacht!

RICHARD: Oh. Uh--

Yeah. Jerome? Little tip, buddy.

Women don't like to be called yachts.

(knocking)

-Hello.
-Hi.

Just came by to check on you,
see how you're doin'.

-You okay?
-Yeah.

-How's Maddie?
-Mmm, she's surviving.

She's still working me for a new kitten.

Hmm.

You know, Victor, um--

Do you think there's a reason
why this isn't happening for us?

You're overthinking it.

Uh, maybe.

You know, my mother always used to say
that when it's right,

everything just falls into place, and...

nothing's falling for us, Victor.

My mother told me when it's right,

just trust it,

and don't be thrown
by fear or by nerves...

and don't be thrown by dead babysitters.

Maybe my mother should call your mother

and work this thing out.

You think?

Listen, I just came by
to ask you to lunch.

And then after that?

Could think of a few things.

But I would be happy just to be with you,

just to maybe hold your hand.

-What do you say?
-Sure.

-Mmm. Noon?
-Okay.

All right. See you later.

(sighs)

You said the seminar
made you a better leader?

-That's correct.
-By teaching you

to be more feminine?

By teaching me to use
my God-given femininity.

-Yes, Liza?
-What the--

Though I believe very much in God,

I don't think we should exclude
people on the basis of faith.

I agree. Let me rephrase.

The seminar taught me
to use my innate femininity.

Mmm. And by using it,
you mean being demure?

-Yes.
-Submissive?

Well, the willow tree can seem submissive,

but actually it's quite strong.

Did the seminar
teach you to cry sometimes?

It taught us to use our emotion
instead of trying to conceal it.

-Rather than demand, cry?
-Sometimes.

Ms. Forrester, do you believe
we are the weaker sex?

No. Actually, I think we're stronger...

when it comes to compassion
and empathetic skills.

-And using those skills--
-By using those skills,

you mean act weak, don't you?

I can see you're getting frustrated.

Let's examine our goals

and see if we can't find
a way to achieve them.

Mmm.

All right. I think we have to face it.

The Mouseketeer is mopping
the floor with us.

I thought you people were good.

We are.

-This is the big muffin?
-I'm toast!

Uh--(stammering)
She's toast. I'm the Biscuit.

We're not beaten. I'm the Biscuit.

-What was her last offer?
-400.

-Let's grab it.
-No!

Yes.

I want out.

Wh-What do you mean, the wedding is off?

-Well--
-Wh-Wh-What happened?

That little Lolita
brought a suit against us

over the prenup business.

What?

She's good, Ally. She made--

Wh-Wh-Where-- Where is, uh, Claire?

Last seen, the unisex.

(groans)

(toilet flushes)

Claire? Claire?

(gasps, groans)

Oops.

No, I'm-I'm-- I'm really okay.

Yeah, okay. Well, let's lie
down on the couch.

No, no, no, no. I'm not
gonna lie down with you.

I don't even know you.

-(laughing)
-Wow.

-Is she all right?
-Bonk on the head.

(laughing continues)

Hey! Hey. (grunts)

Hey, Victor. This is Todd.

-Todd, this is Victor.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-So, Todd, um,

creamed me on the head, um,
with the bathroom door, and--

-You okay?
-Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Did you meet Todd?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, we just met.

-Did not.
-Did too.

(laughing) You know, before
he hit me on the head,

he--he hit on all of me,
'cause I'm neurotic.

-Get her on the couch.
-Oh, brother!

(chuckles) Listen to the men.

"Get her on the couch."
They all want to bed me down.

I'm awesome in bed.

-Did you know that?
-No, I didn't.

-Excellent.
-I've often wanted to wear

a little sign around my neck.

"You've seen me dance.
Now watch me fornicate."

-Ally, don't talk.
-I sniffed Victor's ass once.

There's a doctor on the second floor.

She's coming up.

It's not that I still don't
want to settle.

It's just--

-Just what?
-Okay.

This is a settlement conference,

so anything said in here is sealed, right?

Of course.

I'm having some trouble

separating my desire to serve my client...

and my desire to serve John--sexually.

And given that the trial
is going so well in my favor,

I'm worried how it would look

if I were to settle at this point.

Wouldn't people think that I
was giving you special favors?

Look, you little vixen.

You put an offer of $400,000
on this table.

Which you rejected. And it's no longer

on the table. I'll give you two.

-200?
-I am through

fooling around with you people.

The longer this trial goes,
the worse it gets for you.

If you let it keep going,

your client will end up having to pay us.

I'm sure you used to be good.

Today? You try cases
like a mariachi singer.

And you?

Love your hair.

200 till the end of business.
Then it goes to one.

(door opens, closes)

Oh, I am going to get her!

♪♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo hoo, yeah ♪

♪ Well, not too long ago in 1944 ♪

♪ When every mother's son
was goin' off to war ♪

♪ They had to lift their spirits high ♪

-♪ High ♪
-♪ For Uncle Sam,

♪ Motherhood and apple pie ♪

♪ Instead of spendin' money
that they didn't have ♪

♪ In hot spots in the Bronx ♪

♪ They went to hear ♪

-♪ That kind of jazz ♪
-♪ Jazz ♪

♪ You hear in funky honky tonks ♪

♪ It made you want to ♪

-♪ Jump, shout ♪
-♪ Jump, shout ♪

♪ Knock yourself out-- ♪ Whoa, ho, ho.

-Hold up. Hold up.
-♪♪

I'm sorry, evildoer.
This is a closed rehearsal.

What are you rehearsing for, Jerome?

I know you had a big party planned.

Is the party still on?

I don't need two to tango.

The wedding is off.

Can I speak with you for a second?

Ah! The judge gagged you.

From dissuading you.

If I have something positive to say--

Oh, no, no. Evildoers
don't say nice things.

One minute, Jerome?

Take a break, girls.

-Jerome--
-She ended it.

-Only because--
-Look.

She doesn't trust it, okay?

If she did, she wouldn't have been

so easily influenced by the evildoers.

And you didn't plant the seed of distrust.

You just brought out doubts
she must have harbored.

I promise you. It wasn't like that.

It was just as Liza Bump said.
We pushed her on the prenup.

People can't be pushed in directions

they don't wanna go, Corretta.

I'm not sure I agree with that, Jerome.

But even if it were so,

right now I'm pushing you in a direction

I think you're desperate to go.

Thank you, Doctor.

Probably wouldn't be
a bad idea to get some rest.

I'll make sure she does.

I'm--I'm fine.

I'm a little embarrassed, but, um--

What do you say I just take you home?

How about, uh, you and I go out tonight?

We'll find a babysitter
who's young and healthy,

and she'll still be alive
by the time we get home.

-Sure you're up to it?
-Mmm. Mmm.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Hmm.

I canceled the interviews.

Oh. Well, I-I-- I guess then I'll, uh--

The leading candidate,
however, is still here.

-Who?
-Me.

Oh. Sorry. I'm not
hiring stalkers this week.

(chuckles) You feelin' okay?

I'm fine.

-No, I'm fine.
-Good.

Then, uh, can I have a minute?

-(door closes)
-Sorry again

about the head whack...

and the hitting on... all of you.

If this ship hasn't sailed, uh--

Now that I'm taking my hat
out of the boyfriend ring,

I'd love to toss it
back into the lawyer circle.

I think this would be
a great place to work.

Hmm. Yeah, it is.

But I'm passing,

but thank you for your interest.

Ally, at the risk of sounding immodest--

You're the best lawyer available,

but I'm still passing.

-May I ask why?
-Because I choose to.

Look, Ally, if you're excluding people

from the pool because
they're attracted to you--

No. That isn't it.

I think that is it, and a good leader--

You're gonna tell me how to lead?

I'm telling you what you already know.

-You don't know what I know.
-But you do.

-Minute's over.
-Why are you so threatened?

I'm-I'm-- You don't threaten me!

You don't like people that challenge you.

All right. Get out.

There it is-- the "get out" card.

Do you play that
in your personal life too?

I said out!

-I'm going.
-Good.

And don't come back to apologize.

I won't. Nothing to apologize for.

Oh, and Ally?

Have a lovely, uncontested life.

(door closes)

Mr. Cage?

Mr. Cage?

The defendant didn't seek to make

my client friendlier or nicer. No.

The goal here was to
make her more feminine.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
there's a word for that.

"Sexgism." Uh, not-- (stammering)

Ism--Uh, sex-- Sexism.

And this was blatant sexism.

He didn't send the aggressive
men off to any camp.

No. Just the tough women.

Because women shouldn't be
tough, should they?

What message does this send
to our daughters?

That if you want something, be weak,

cry for it, act demure?

Look at this young woman.
She's obviously an intelligent,

fiercely competitive litigator.

Yet she chose to offer tears
in this courtroom

as her best strength.

Because that's just what the weaker sex

should do, isn't it?

Be soft so society will like you.

And that is her message,
ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I believe women
can compete in a man's world.

They can be just as tough
as men in the workplace,

and they have the right
to be just as ruthless.

And if society has a problem

with that, well, then the 12 of you--

you need to send a message to society.

But if not for society,

then for our daughters.

You tell the young people, like Liza Bump,

they have the right to be strong.

They don't have to go through
life weak, less than.

(chair screeches)

This isn't about getting women
to perform in a man's world.

This is about teaching women

that it doesn't have to be a man's world.

So many women today

are aggressive, belligerent, ruthless,

because our culture values

these masculine traits as leadership.

Why can't female traits...

such as emotion, empathy, connectedness--

Why can't these things
be signs of good leadership?

As long as we continue

to attach such value
to dominance and aggression,

we're gonna end up with a man's world,

and that is sex... ist.

Let's place a premium
on emotional intelligence,

on the ability to mediate
instead of fight,

to feel as well as think.

We might not only have more
of a woman's world,

we might turn out better companies.

That's what was being proposed
to the plaintiff.

But she didn't even want to try.

She just dropped her gloves,

sued, and said let's have a fight.

How manly.

Well, uh, you know,
from what Corretta tells me,

I think that it really needs to be you

who goes and fixes things, Claire.

-I don't know.
-What do you mean?

Ally, there is something

that nobody really knows about me.

Uh--Wh-What?

Well--

I'm slightly over 50.

And Jerome and I, we argue a lot.

I'm too old to fight. I just can't do it.

(belches) Oh.

(belches) Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm getting the reflux again.

(gulps) You know, um--

(clears throat, groans)
Claire, the-the--Well--

-(belches)
-Oh.

Uh, Claire--Um--
Well, I'm certainly no expert,

but, um, I-I really believe
that where there is fighting,

there's usually passion.

And it's the couples that don't fight,

the ones who--who don't
get under each other's skin,

the ones who don't, you know,
get up in each other's faces--

Those are the ones
who drift apart. And I--

I personally don't think

that I could even be in a relationship

that wasn't a little combative.

-Do you and Victor fight?
-No.

No. No, never. Um--

Well, we're new.

What about that other one?

The other one? The oth--
There is no other one.

I mean Larry--

the one who ground your heart
into a fine pulp.

Oh. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Well, Larry and I,
we used to go at it a lot.

And you loved him.

I'm over Larry.

No, what I am trying to say,
Claire, is that I...

think that you need to go to Jerome.

I think the two of you still
want to get married,

and I think you need to go to him.

Maybe so.

(sighs) Oh, I wish I could look
at love as clearly as you can.

Madame Foreperson,
has the jury reached a verdict?

-We have, Your Honor.
-What say you?

On the matter of Richardson
versus Price Communications,

we find in favor of the plaintiff,

and order the defendant...

to pay damages in the amount of $610,000.

JUDGE WALSH: Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury--

Well, we won.

-We're adjourned.
-Yes, we did.

Well, you proved your point,
Holly. Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you, John.

My pleasure.

-John? Quite a match.
-Indeed.

I just want you to know,
for whatever it's worth,

there's always a nugget of truth
in all my courtroom antics.

Oh, really?

And where was the nugget
in all this nonsense?

I think you're hot.

Are you attracted to Todd Merrick?

I didn't say I was attracted to him.

I'm just wondering whether
or not he was right.

-Right for you.
-No.

Whether or not he was right about me

being adverse to people who challenge me

because I just, I don't--

I don't want to be that.

I mean, that's boring. Don't you think?

Are you afraid Victor will be boring?

No. This is not about Victor.

-Then what is it about?
-This is about

whether or not Todd Merrick is right.

-For you.
-No.

Okay. Look, Ally, this is what I know.

Victor is amazing. He's sexy. He's smart.

Complete opposite of me.

And Todd Merrick is just like you.

No, I didn't say that.

Ally, you haven't even slept with Victor.

You're hardly in what I would call

a serious relationship yet.

Is there some reason
you can't see other people?

Well, we just haven't discussed that.

Are you sure Victor
isn't seeing other women?

Well, I'm-I'm not positive--

Look, why don't you just
go out on one date with Todd?

Is that so terrible?

Well, I don't want to blow Victor.

(alarm blaring)

Have. Have.

I don't want to blow
what I have with Victor.

And what exactly do you have with Victor?

It's just that-- It would destroy Maddie.

Is that the issue?

Ally. I mean, nothing against plumbers,

but you've always dated lawyers.

There's probably a reason for that.

You likely do have
more in common with Todd.

And for whatever reason,

you can't stop thinking about him.

Claire, I'm gonna go out on a limb here

and guess that you
still want to get married.

Maybe I do.

Or maybe I'm just showing
you what you'll be missing.

Well, if that were the case,

you'd be standing there in your negligee.

Well, even if you were ready for that,

there's the rest of the world
to think about.

Jerome, why are you in the bar,

practicing songs for our reception,

if the wedding is off?

I like to sing.

It helps me deal with my emotions.

Jerome, tell me what this is really about.

It can't be about my doubts.
I don't have any.

It must be about your doubts.
What are you afraid of?

I guess that it won't last.

But isn't every couple afraid of that?

Shouldn't every couple be?

But I guess, you know,

going in with doubts, it's-it's thrown me.

Jerome, I love you with all my heart.

-And I love you.
-Then... let's get married.

How 'bout this?

Let's get engaged.

Let's have a celebrated engagement.

We can plan a big wedding.
We could get married in June.

In June, all my buds come into season.

Do you think we'll really work?

Of course I do.

But we won't know until we take the step.

June it is.

All right. So this wedding is canceled,

-but it's still on?
-Pushed to June.

They're actually having
their engagement party

at the bar tonight.

I thought maybe we would
stop by on our way home.

Mmm. Fine.

-Or not.
-Whatever.

-(silverware clatters)
-What?

You just go with the flow,
don't you, Victor?

-I try to. Why?
-Well, I just--

I mean, do you really think
that we're that much alike?

-What's goin' on?
-Nothing is going on.

Ally, you're startin' to act
a little nervous again.

I thought we were past this.

No, I'm just trying to get to know you

a little better, that's all.

After all, we don't know
that much about each other.

Well, here I am. Ask.

Okay. Well, are you seeing anybody else?

Am I seeing anybody else?

I find when people repeat the question,

it's because they're trying to buy time

to figure out an answer.

Well, the answer's no.
I'm not seeing anyone else.

Great. I mean, it's not
like I would be upset.

I mean, I wouldn't have
the right to be upset,

because we're not exactly exclusive,

and, you know, when people date,

it's because, you know, they-they date.

Are you seeing anyone else?

No. No, no, no, no.

Uh, no. No. No! No! No!

But if I were to, how would
you feel about that?

Do you want to see somebody else, Ally?

-Uh, well, no. No.
-It's real simple.

If you wanna see somebody
else, see somebody else.

What do you want me to say?

You could put up a small fight.

I don't fight. What's the reason--

I know. I know. You don't fight, Victor.

Mm-mmm. See, I'm used to
combative relationships.

I don't think that I could
actually be with somebody

who just bends with the wind,

even if it's my wind they're bending to.

I just think that couples
communicate better

when they fight.

Fighting brings out the truth.
It brings out hurt.

It exposes all these feelings,
and you don't fight.

Everything with you, Victor,

is just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

We finally are on our way
to go home and make love,

and we don't, because of
the stupid dead babysitter,

and you're fine about that too.

I mean, you're just, "Que sera, que sera."

Well, I am not a "que sera" kind of woman.

What?

You know what, Ally? Maybe you're right.

See? See?

I tell you that we are
completely wrong for each other,

and you tell me that maybe I'm right.

Now what the hell kind of answer is that?

What do you want me to do?
Tip the table over,

throw my napkin down and walk out of here?

Would that make you feel better?

Well, that would be something.

Well, I'll give you part of that.

Good-bye.

-(horn honks)
-Taxi!

-How dare you walk out on me!
-You're a wacko, Ally.

Why? Because I think
it's healthy for a relationship

to be a little contentious?

If you start fights for
the sake of havin' 'em, yes.

-I didn't do that.
-What's your problem?

You're not comfortable being comfortable.

You're not happy unless you're miserable.

Now it's all coming out. You're a bigot!

A bigot? Yes, against wackos.

I'm done! You wanna date somebody else,

date somebody else, but
don't set me up as the reason.

You don't need to justify
it to me. Just do it!

There you go, making
everything all simple again.

And there you go, refusing
to let it be simple. Taxi!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.

You're not going anywhere.

Get in the car!
We'll fight on the way home.

1412 Dalton Lane, fast as you can!

-Hey!
-Taxi!

Hey, stop, stop, stop! Stop, stop!

Hey! You come back here, you chicken!

You coward! Come back here! Hey!

-Taxi!
-(tires screech)

-Are you crazy?
-Yes! Yes, I'm crazy!

Hello.

(line ringing)

-(beeps)
-Still no answer?

No. He won't pick up. He's a baby.

You know, Ally, I would never dare to

pick another fight, but...

seems to me like you
sabotaged this whole thing.

No, I--I-I didn't.

I've only heard your version,
yet I'm taking his side.

What?

You enjoy fighting, don't you?

I am a lawyer.

Yeah. Yeah.

See, that's the thing about Victor,

is he just-- he just goes with it.

-Bastard.
-Bastard.

What did you say?

I said "bastard." It was a joke.

-What?
-No, it's just, uh--

You know, sometimes you
remind me of my old boyfriend.

Oh. Yeah, I love it when I do that.

-Yeah, that's what it is.
-What what is?

Oh, you just stirred up

all these memories about Larry,

and so Victor, whatever he is, is...

not Larry.

-Big love, this Larry?
-Yeah.

So it's possible that Victor
was the rebound relationship,

the setup guy, for me.

Night, Todd.

Uh, so no sex for me either?

Oh, no. No, no. I, uh--Sitter.

Sitter.

(no audible dialogue)

Hi.

Don't tell me you're
going back to the band.

Well, I made a commitment, youngster.

That means something.

You'll perhaps realize that
once you turn five feet tall.

Again with the short jokes.

Why are you here?

Well, you're a legend,

and I just want to say
it was an honor to finally

go up against your johnson.

You just don't drop it, do you?

(chuckles)

Why are you going back to that restaurant?

I saw your eyes during
closing. You love it.

Liza,

there's a whole other world
outside of that courtroom.

I would encourage you to sample it.

It's a pretty big office
to just walk away from.

I'll be back.

Actually, I'm looking to sublet.

-Sorry?
-My office.

Ever think about joining a law firm?

(chuckles) Me? I don't like people.

That's a lie, isn't it? You're good, Liza.

It's not like me to invite
another lawyer into my void.

If I were to even consider coming here,

it would only be to learn from you,

and if you're not even gonna be here--

I said I'd be back, didn't I?

Wh--What are-- What are you doin' here?

You have bad luck with babysitters.

This one had appendicitis.

Maddie couldn't get through
to you, so she called me.

(exhales) Oh!

Well, is, uh, she asleep?

Yeah. And I'll send you my bill.

Victor, the reason
that Maddie couldn't reach me...

is because I was trying to call you.

Listen, I know that
I haven't talked very much

about Larry, but, um--

-Well, other than--than--
-You loved him.

Yeah.

Yeah, the thing about him is that, uh--

he was neurotic, like me.

I mean, maybe not as much,
but he was certainly--

you know, and we really got each other.

Our fears kind of coincided,
and-and our dreams just--

-He sounds great.
-He is.

And this guy that I met--
Well, you met him too.

Um, Todd Merrick.

Oh, yeah. The one who was hittin' on you.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he kind of
reminded me a little of Larry.

And it, uh, triggered some things that--

Well, there are things about you

that just aren't like that.

And I went out with Todd
and, uh, we had a beer,

and, uh, things became really clear to me.

You're not Larry,
and you're never gonna be.

That all just kicked in?

No. That I already knew.

What finally kicked in is that, uh,

I don't want Larry.

I don't want to be with
a man who's just like me.

I want to be with somebody
who can give me something

that I can't attain by myself.

I want to share differences with somebody.

I want you.

And that's what kicked in.

And, I--I don't know.

I don't know if we're meant to last or--

You know, I really
don't know anything at all,

except that right now,
as I'm standing here, I want...

you.

I'm tempted to agree with you,
but I'm afraid I'll set you off.

Well, given the time and the opportunity,

I can pretty much screw up anything.

(sighs)

I don't wanna screw this up.

♪♪ (slow pop)

♪ I know I stand in line ♪

♪ Until you think you have the time ♪

♪ To spend an evening with me ♪

♪ And if we go someplace to dance ♪

♪ I know that there's a chance ♪

♪ You won't be leaving with me ♪

Oh!

In the end, love wins out, doesn't it?

Makes me cream.

I heard John offered Lolita a job.

-What?
-Rumor has it.

-Oh, my God!
-Is she as good as they say?

Better.

I never said that.

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

♪ That you despise the same old lies ♪

♪ You heard the night before ♪

♪ And though it's just a line to you ♪

♪ For me it's true and never
felt so right before ♪

(laughs) ♪ I practice every day ♪

♪ To find some clever lines to say ♪

♪ To make the meaning come through ♪

♪ Then I think I'll wait
until the evening gets late ♪

♪ And I'm alone with you ♪

♪ The time is right,
your perfume fills my head ♪

♪ The stars get red
and, oh, the night's so blue ♪

♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪

♪ By saying something stupid
like I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

-I'm so glad that's over.
-Me too.

Now we can just go back to being normal.

Finally.

Tell me the truth.

Were you as nervous as I was?

-Truthfully?
-Mm-hmm.

No.

You're a jerk.

So, what do we do? Do we just go to sleep?

What about Maddie?

What if she finds me here in the morning?

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaking of which, I'd better...

collect our clothes in case she gets up.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ally. Wait a minute.

That was really nice.

♪ A certain smile ♪

♪ A certain face ♪

♪ Can lead an unsuspecting heart ♪

♪ On a merry chase ♪

♪ But in the hush of night ♪

♪ Exactly like ♪

♪ A bittersweet refrain ♪

♪ Comes that certain smile ♪

♪ To haunt your heart again ♪