All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S05E13.2001.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal.

-Are you Allyson McBeal?
-I am.

-I'm your daughter.
-(heavy metallic crash)

-Hello!
-Hello!

I'm Claire Otoms.

I suffer from acid reflux.

I only get it when I'm nervous. It affects
my voice. (burping) It's horrible.

I want to make you partner.

-Fish and McBeal.
-That's the rumor.

You never heard it from me.
Aren't you just devastated?

You are carrying way too much
overhead and cannot keep paying

salaries out of your own pocket.

You really think
you want to live with Ally?

I don't know.

But I have
a good feeling about her.

It's tough enough raisin' a kid alone,
even for a week.

I haven't done it alone. I've had you.
That's what scares me.

And what am I gonna do
when my pipes work?

-I could still babysit for a while.
-Really?

Yeah, I... could use
the extra money.

-Do you have to?
-ALLY: Yeah.

Then there you go.

And there you go again, making
everything seem so simple.

If it's the right thing to do,
it's the right thing to do.

Well, that may empower me
to do it, Victor,

but it's not gonna ease the pain
on the other side.

MADDIE:
Are you sending me back?

What?

No!

-What are you talking about?
-Oh. It-It's nothing really.

Ally, if you're
not gonna talk to me, then--

I-It's about work, dear.

-What about work?
-Well, it's--

it's just that I happen
to like my colleagues.

Well, before you, they were the closest
thing I've had to a family.

-And this is a problem? Yeah.
-I-It is now.

Because tomorrow, I--

I have to fire one of 'em.

♪ I've been down
down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring
Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know
I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

Hello!

Uh, Claire?
Ally.

Well, did--
did-did--

Wait, did you just come down from the sky
in a--in a-- in a bubble?

Actually, I walked up.

But a bubble
sounds wonderful!

How are you, Ally?

I'm-I'm--I'm fine. How--
Oh. Mmm.

-How are you?
-I'm-- (retching burp)

Oh, I'm horrible.
Horrible.

I'm getting the acid-- (burps) reflux--
again.

(clears throat quietly) Wh-What's the--
the matter?

I've been given a pink slip--
and not to wear, I'm afraid.

Y-You mean that--
You mean that you were fired?

-Well, why?
-I've been accused...

of sexual harassment.

(elevator bell dings)

Hi, everybody!

Hi, Elaine.

Hey, Nelle, Corretta.
Good to see you again.

Let's all dish,
but I need to see Richie first.

What was that?

Hi, Richard.
Busy?

Ling. H-How are--
How are you?

I'm terrif. I'm great. I've never
been more--

(giggles)
miserable.

-Well, what's wrong?
-Nice is in, Richard.

In case you've never noticed,
I'm not nice.

Oh. The world has gone friendly.

Yeah, well, we're--
we're all trying to adjust.

I heard John left.
Oh, uh, Mexico.

Y-Yeah, h-he'll be back.
It's--I hope.

-How are you doing?
-Uh, me? Fine. Uh, bygones.

Don't tell me "fine," Richard. He's your
best friend-- in fact, your only friend.

Oh, Ling, really, I'm fine.

Okay.

Call me
if you get lonely sometime.

Oh.
Really.

Uh, okay. It's--

(breathes deeply, sighs)

Face-the-world time again.

Hello!
Good to see you.

I love your dress!

Let's get together.
(no audible dialogue)

(hands hit table)
Sorry I'm late.

Okay. Well, everybody knows
that, uh, Richard now...

has extended partnership to me,
and I've accepted.

And he has also delegated to me the
responsibility and the authority...

to make
some tough decisions.

Simply put, the firm is losing a lot
of money, and in order to survive,

we have to make
some adjustments,

and some of them
will seem rather--

(reverberating)
brutal.

So I would like to schedule a meeting with
all of you individually:

first Jenny then Corretta then Glenn then
Richard and finally--

(reverberating)
Nelle.

But before that, we-- we-we do have a--
a new case.

Uh--Uh, Claire Otoms--
you all remember her?

She was fired. Richard, do you think
you could take that, please?

-(coughs) Me?
-Yes.

Uh, Claire?
Yes.

No, I'm afraid of her. She's--

You'll meet with the
client when we finish here.

-Corretta, second chair.
-Is there a reason you want me to do this?

Yes. Uh, you're a litigator?

-Oh, I'm a-- (muttering)
-NELLE: Look.

I'd like to have my meeting first,
just to get it over with.

Mmm, sorry. I'm-- I'm saving you for--
(reverberating) last.

Richard?
Yeah.

-Go meet with your client, please?
-Oh. (mutters)

Claire?
Hello.

Richard Fish. How--
How are you?

I'm not myself.
Yes, uh--

I'm--I'm told you were, uh,
terminated for-- Sexual harassment.

Yeah, I-I-I see. And, uh,
well, are you guilty?

Certainly not.
Oh. Well, uh, excellent.

Can you help me?
Well, I--

I mustn't lose this job, or I won't be
able to keep up my payments.

I could lose my house. Well, let me
handle you--i-i-it.

It's a colonial home.
Reminds me of frankfurters.

That's another reason
they proffered, incidentally.

Uh, frankfurters?

They claim that I'm somehow suggestive
when I eat them.

(door closes)

-I'm here.
-Great. Sit.

(clears throat)
(sighs)

Well, I know that there's rumors going
around that somebody's gonna be let go.

Yeah. But I try
not to pay attention to rumors.

I see.

It's you, Jenny.
What?

Obviously--
Did you say me?

Jenny, this isn't about your failing. This
is about the firm's failure.

And the other lawyers have--
have more clients,

and they have... more...
experience, and--

(sobs)

Um--Uh, would--Uh,
would you--would you, uh--

(drawer opens)
like a tissue?

(sniffles, sobs)

Uh--
(sobs)

m-maybe a box?

(sniffles, sighs)

But, Ally,

you brought me in.

I know. A-And you're the person
I was most wanting to keep.

Truly.
But I can't.

Please, Ally, don't fire me.

Um--

(clears throat)

Um, you--If you are amenable, what I would
like to do is-- is loan you out.

What do you mean,
"loan me out"?

Well, there's this program,
and we could assign you to

the district attorney's office,

and we would pay a portion of your salary,
and they would pay the rest.

And that way, we would gain
financial relief,

and you would gain tons
of trial experience,

and in a year or so, you could come back
more seasoned,

which would really help us
build a criminal practice.

So, I'm not fired? I'm traded.
Temporarily.

-What if I said no?
-Well, then you'd be fired.

-(crying)
-Tissue. Tissue.

(blowing nose loudly)

-Uh, hold on. You're not scheduled until--
-Tough.

I don't know what the financial
situation is here, but you don't

just start firing people...

or loaning them out
to district attorneys' offices!

It's wrong. And it stinks.
I'm gonna tell you somethin'.

I'm not gonna stand for it.

If she goes, I go--
with all my clients.

Glenn, you love Jenny.

Do not handle me, Ally.

I won't be handled here.
How about this?

You take the day,
and we'll discuss it to--

No.

I'm not gonna feel differently tomorrow or
next week or the week after that.

If she goes, I go.
It's as simple as that.

Then I guess you go, Glenn.
You're--

If this place is hemorrhaging
like you say it is, you can't

afford to lose my clients.

That I know.

Partners can't be pushed around
by associates. That I know.

I will go.
I believe you.

Hey, Ally--
Glenn,

right now, it's your choice
whether you leave or not.

Say the wrong thing,
and it won't be.

You've become
a power-drunk bitch overnight.

That was the wrong thing.

Really nice.

-She shoots this look.
-What kind of look, Mr. Polk?

Well, it's a-- it's a come-hither
look, especially to the younger men.

And they feel oppressed.

-Has she ever approached anybody?
-Yes.

She loves to talk
about houses.

She gets people talking about their living
rooms, their furniture and so forth.

Then she talks about her house,

and it always leads to an invitation
to her colonial house.

That's it? You fired her for inviting
people to her house?

Your Honor, it's the way she does it.
She said to one fellow,

"Come have a hot dog
under my canopy."

PROSECUTOR:
Mr. Polk, we have here a tape.

Yes, it's a security tape that was on and
unwittingly caught her.

Your Honor, I object.

-He's suggesting that a camera has wit.
-Please sit down, Miss Otoms.

(VCR turns on)

-"Emerson" you said your name was?
-Yes.

I'm Claire Otoms.

You're lovely.

And don't you fill
out your trousers nicely.

(VCR switches off)

POLK: It's little things
like that all day long.

As I said, we have a lot of young men who
work in the office. They complain.

I had to take action.

How are Miss Otoms's skills
as an office administrator?

Oh, fine. It has nothing to do
with her talent.

She was a wonderful assistant.
It's just--

-She harasses.
-Yes.

Mr. Polk, uh,
did she, uh, harass you?

-No.
-In fact, uh, one night, late,

uh, the two of you
were alone.

You opened
a bottle of scotch.

You kissed my client,
didn't you, Mr. Polk?

-Well, I--
-I-Is that a yes?

It was one isolated...
lapse in judgment.

Well, isn't it true you're really firing
Claire Otoms...

because she wouldn't return
your sexual desires?

That would not be true,
Mr. Fish.

Sir, did the two of you ever
go out to dinner together?

Once.

Once. It was one of those restaurants
where photographers...

walk around from table to table
taking pictures of the happy couples.

Did a photographer, uh, come up to, uh--
to you and Claire?

-Maybe.
-Maybe?

-Hmm.
-(monitor switches on)

(no audible dialogue)

Well, that would be, uh, you and Miss
Otoms, would it not?

The photographer
said, "Smile".

-Good for you. That's what I say.
-You do?

Yeah. He called you
a bitch.

Tell her, Victor.
She had no choice.

Oh, come on!

He-He-He forced me.

It-It-It's not as-- as if I--
(gasps, shrieks)

-We'll work harder.
-Weekends too.

(gasping)

It's--
(gasps)

Sorry.

(clears throat)

Oh, all right. Look. Now, I am not asking
you for your opinion,

but if you would like to-- if you feel the
need-- I will humor you.

-Just give it up.
-You fired Jenny out of leadership.

-But with Glenn, it was ego.
-Oh, who asked you?

Rehire Glenn and remind him he has to
treat you with a little respect.

-Oh, and-and-and how can I--
-Ally, it's the right thing to do.

(elevator bell dings)

(wind howling)

(wind stops)

Uh--
(clears throat)

Uh--
(clears throat)

Uh, thank-thank-thank you
for coming back.

Um, I-I was acting
out of anger.

And I shouldn't have done that, knowing
that it was understandable...

for you to be emotional about Jenny, and--
and, uh--

Yeah, I-I want you to stay.

-So I'm not fired?
-No.

(door opens, closes)

-(wind howling)
-I have Nelle!

-(shivers)
-(clears throat)

Um-- Uh, s-send her in,
pl-please?

-Well-- (sighs)
-(door closes)

I certainly thought
it would be me.

No, you're our most productive associate.
You were never really in the running.

But there are some changes that you need
to make however.

Such as?

-I want you to be nicer.
-You want me to be what?

You know, there's one thing that's unique
about Cage and Fish--

and I would like to maintain that
at Cage, Fish and McBeal--

and that is
that we're close.

I don't know of any other law firm
that socializes the way we do.

Yes. It's a...
wonderful life, isn't it?

Every single lawyer in this firm, over
time, has sung a song at the bar,

and I think you need
to sing, Nelle.

What?

Well, see,
everybody else is, uh--

well, for a lack of a better word, they're
"game," and you're not.

And you've alienated yourself
because of it.

Look. I don't care
whether you're a partner or not.

-(shoes creak)
-You cannot order me to sing.

No, I can't. But I think
it would be good for you.

Now, we're a gang, Nelle, and it's time
for you to join the party.

♪♪

♪ Oh, yes, wait a minute
Mr. Postman ♪

♪ Wait, Mr. Postman ♪

♪ Please, Mr. Postman
look and see ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ Is there a letter ♪

-♪ Please, please ♪
-♪ In your bag for me ♪

-♪ Mr. Postman ♪
-♪ It's been a mighty long time ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Since I heard
from that boyfriend of mine ♪

I don't want you to quit
because of me.

Well, what do you think about
the district attorney idea?

-I don't know. I'm still in shock.
-Hey, guys.

We're havin' a private
conversation, Raymond.

Excellent.

-Heard you got fired.
-This is a private conversation.

-I won't tell.
-Raymond!

-Dink.
-Wank.

Hit me.

-Can you believe that?
-She wants me to be nice.

This is what I'm saying.
The world has gone fuzzy.

You singing? (scoffs)
Please.

You know, secretly I've
always wanted to get up there

and do a number.

-What?
-It just looks fun.

-♪ Look and see ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

I just wanna get up there and--
and be fun, just once.

-Then do it.
-(scoffs) I can't sing.

Remember that lip-synch thing
that I did with Richard?

Yes, and everybody knew
you were lip-synching.

Suppose they wouldn't know?

I know how you could do it.

I'd never get up there alone.
I'd die.

I'd do it with you.

I love limelight.

-Really?
-Why not?

-♪ Mr. Postman ♪
-♪ Postman, look at ♪

♪ Why don't you check it and
see one more time for me ♪

♪ Postman, letter ♪♪

You sure you won't have
one of these, darling?

-They're wonderful.
-Well, no. L-Listen.

They have three more witnesses who will
testify you harassed them.

I think we should settle. If I can get
$50,000, can we end it?

-No.
-Claire, see-- see, we might not win this.

Richard, I made a promise
to myself...

when I was just
a little girl...

that I would walk through life
with dignity.

I'm a very proud woman.

-(munches loudly)
-Oh.

I might have been a little bit
flirtatious,

but I never harassed anybody,
and I won't settle.

I'm sure there are other places
of employment, Claire.

Is there a reason you're desperate to go
back to this place?

They accepted me.

It's not an easy thing
to find, acceptance.

No, it isn't. But what we seem to be
discovering--

you weren't really
accepted there.

It seems they all want you
to leave, Claire.

A sleepover?

Six girls, tops.
Okay, four.

Well--Oh, Maddie, I-- You know, I
have never even met these girls.

Well, I checked with Victor.
He's okay with it.

Oh, well, I'm really glad that Victor is
okay with it. I'm so relieved.

Please?

Marvin broke up with me.
That should be good news.

Hmm. I'm-- I'm sorry
to hear that.

-No, you're not.
-Yes, I am. I just--

-Wh-Why did he break-- break up with you?
-He wanted to have sex.

I think just kissing.

-You're 10.
-I know.

Have you, uh-- (sniffles)
Have you ever, um,

kissed a boy before?

No.

And I don't really want to.

But some of my friends are,
like, making out and stuff.

Ally, can you show me
how to kiss?

-You're 10.
-For when the time comes.

They make fun of the girls
who don't know how to do it.

Who? Who makes fun?

The other girls. Look, I know it's a bad
week with you firing people and stuff,

but I think some of them might
talk about kissing tonight.

I don't wanna be a dope.

I'm not following.

You would be offstage
singing with someone else.

Nelle and I would be onstage
pretending to be singing.

First of all, the whole
bar knows my voice. They go home

replaying it in their heads.

It's a bar: people cheering,
cheap sound system. They won't

really know it's your voice.

You two wanna pretend
to do a duet together?

Yes.

And were these innuendos
sexual in nature?

Most of the time, yes.

Specifically, sir,
what did Ms. Otoms say to you?

Well, she knew
that I was a music lover.

And then she asked me if I liked
Captain & Tennille,

and then
she started singing,

"Do that to me
one more time.

I can never get enough
of a man like you."

-And how did this make you feel, sir?
-A little objectified.

Uh, you seem like a--
a good-looking young man.

Thank you?

RICHARD: Well, now, is it your testimony,
no other female employee ever...

-flirted with you at the office?
-No, it goes on.

-Any other, uh, woman ever hit on you?
-MAN: Yes.

-Did you complain about these other women?
-No.

-Why not?
-I-I don't know.

Now, is--is that an honest answer?
You don't know?

Why didn't you complain about these other
women hitting on you?

Well, uh, a man doesn't mind it when a
pretty girl hits on him, I guess.

-But--
-Miss Otoms isn't a pretty girl.

-I guess she's a little old for me.
-RICHARD: Old? What?

Because sources tell me,
a woman by the name of, uh,

uh, Jennifer Schlumm
made a pass at you once.

-Is that true?
-Yes.

Well, Miss Schlumm is 59 years old. D-Did
you complain about her?

No.

Well, why not? She's older.

Look. It's not just that
Ms. Otoms is older, all right?

-She's--
-RICHARD: She's what?

Well, a younger, attractive woman
is one thing,

and an older, attractive woman
is another.

And an older woman
that looks like Claire--

That's--That's--
That's...

yet another.

That was the most humiliating experience
since my honeymoon!

-You didn't need to ask those questions.
-I was trying to make our case.

Our case.
What is our case, Richard?

That I was fired for being ugly?

Claire, we had to show...

you weren't really fired for harassing
people, that it was something else.

Oh, I don't like
that something else.

You should have checked
with me first.

-I'm--I'm sorry. I--
-Are you okay?

Perhaps I'm not
as beautiful as--

as I once was.

But I still have
a lovely bone structure.

And if I looked like you, Corretta,
I could just sit back...

and the men
would flock to me.

But I have to initiate.

I haven't harassed anyone.
I've just taken the first step.

How else can I expect
to meet somebody?

Growing old and alone--
it's--

(burps)
it's horrible.

(burps) Horrible. (burps)

(shivering)

(inhales, shivering)

-Um, Jenny?
-Yes?

(flesh shaking)

(sighs)
What's up?

Well, I've thought very hard
about the D.A.'s office thing,

and I've decided--

Well, actually, I'm going to open
my own firm.

Your own firm?

(chuckles)
Oh, don't-don't--

don't you need clients
to do that?

She'll have clients.

-Mine.
-Excuse me?

"Foy and Shaw."
That sounds good, doesn't it?

-You're leaving?
-To start our own firm.

Wow.
Wow, that-that-that's--

that's amazing.

And there's no hard feelings. I understand
that your decision was fiscal.

Mmm. Right.

♪ I can wash out 44 pairs of socks
and have 'em ♪

♪ Hangin' out
on the line ♪

♪ I can starch and iron
two dozen shirts ♪

♪ Before you can count
from one to nine ♪

-How long do we have to practice this for?
-It has to be perfect, Ling.

-Fine.
-♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

Okay, Nelle?

♪ I can rub and scrub
till this old house ♪

♪ Shines just like a dime ♪

♪ Feed the baby grease the car
powder my face--♪

-Nelle, you're off.
-I'm not.

From the top...
again.

♪ I can wash out ♪

♪ Forty-four pairs of socks and have 'em
hangin' out on the line ♪♪

It isn't the end of the world.

Ugh, Victor, I don't have your simple
life, okay? Maddie is talking about sex,

which, it's been so long since I've had
it, I don't remember how it goes.

And--
And parenting? Hello!

I'm as trained for that as I am for
running a law firm.

And--And the only associate
that we had...

that actually brought in business
just quit.

The only reason that disaster
doesn't squish me is because

it just feels like old times.

(sighs)

Okay.

First, let's deal
with parenting.

You have a 10-year-old girl
who's just lost her father.

She's living with
her third primary caretaker...

in her third home in less than two years,
and she's doin' okay.

I think that's a miracle. A lot of it has
to do with her strength, sure,

but, Ally, you must be doing
somethin' right.

As far as the firm goes, you've stepped up
and made some tough decisions.

And I'll bet you've gained
their respect in the process.

You don't need Glenn.
You need John Cage.

Yeah, well, he's in Mexico.

Well, maybe because
of Jenny and Glenn.

Look, this crisis of his--
it's--it's a midlife crisis...

probably brought on by having
to stare at youth all day.

How do you know this?

John Cage needs to see
the future with him in it.

Ally, you're gonna have
to convince him that he's in it.

If you do, he'll come back.

Just once, I would like to get a glimpse
of your crystal balls.

Ball. Ball. Crys-Crystal--
no--ball--

(stammering)
No. Now--

Oh, God, now I'm-- I'm starting to sound
like him-- his "duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh"--

Then h-how do you know
these things?

Because you tell me
in your own...

quirky way.

-Did you get everything?
-Yeah, yeah, chips.

I got the juice, organic cookies,
fruit bars.

I rented E.T., bought extra toothbrushes
in case anybody forgot theirs.

The pizza will be delivered promptly at
6:30. Anything else?

No.
Thank you.

I'll see ya at 5:00.

Um, Victor? Maybe you want to pick up
a bottle of red wine and--

and all those kids-- once they finally
settle down, maybe we can, you know--

That sounds great.

But what if somethin' happens?
You're gonna have to react,

go to the E.R., God forbid.

I think their parents would feel better
knowing we weren't drinkin'.

Mmm. Good point.

How about a joint?

I was kidding. I was kidding.
I was totally kidding.

I'll see you at 5:00.

(door closes)

♪ 'Cause I'm
a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ I'll say it again ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a wo--♪
(coughs, clears throat)

Sorry.

You're not gonna do
that tonight, are you?

Keep it up.
You're sounding great.

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪♪

Well, you're his travel agent.

You should know
where in Mexico he is.

Okay. Thank you.
(clears throat)

-Goin' to Mexico?
-I might be.

Am I going anywhere?

Only up.

No, y-you're--you're doing
really great work, Corretta.

Thank you.

But I think you could be
doing a lot better.

You need to start
bringing in clients.

Don't wait for us just to assign you work.
Create it.

Maybe if I do my work at night,
I can devote more time during

the day recruiting clients and--

Don't work at night.
I want you to have a life.

Why don't you try recruiting
clients during lunch, okay?

Okay.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Nope, that's okay.

W-W-We're done.

For whatever it's worth--
and I'm sure it isn't much--

I will be performing
at the bar tonight.

-Really.
-I just thought,

what the hell.

Hmm.

My client was simply following the law.
Claire Otoms is a sexual harasser.

You heard six witnesses testify to it: the
leers, the innuendos, the advances.

The woman is a predator,
Your Honor, a sexual menace.

And Marshall Polk had to address her
unlawful conduct. It's that simple.

What's simple is that there's a double
standard in this country. When--

When sexual advances or innuendos are
welcome, we call it "flirting."

When they're not,
we call it "harassment."

If Claire Otoms were a beautiful young
woman who looked like a-a model,

w-we wouldn't be here right now,
and we all know that.

But...

we are here...

because Claire looks
the way she looks.

That's status discrimination, Your Honor,
and the law does not permit that.

The irony is,

Claire Otoms
is a beautiful woman.

Yeah, she's older, yes, but the last time
I checked, that wasn't a crime.

She's also... lonely.

And if that's punishable,
well, they should start, you know,

building bigger prisons.

When you're alone and people aren't coming
to you, you have to go to them.

It's called "making the first move."
That's all Claire did.

You think it's easy?

Rejection is punishment enough.

She didn't need to lose her job.

I see no real offense
committed by Miss Otoms.

However, if people feel sexually oppressed
in the workplace,

it is not only the right of the employer
to take action but the duty.

The question is, was it reasonable
for these men...

to feel oppressed
by Miss Otoms's conduct?

I find that it was.

-Judgment for the defendant. Adjourned.
-(gavel raps)

-I thought we had it.
-So did I.

-Well, we could appeal, but--
-Thank you both for trying.

And thank you for your lovely words,
Richard. I was very moved.

Well, listen, uh, Claire.
They weren't just words.

I-I'm prepared to put my money where my
mouth... would-- uh, would never... go.

-Look. I-I'll-- I'll hire you.
-What?

I need a good
administrative assistant.

Maybe if I had one, I wouldn't be
in the mess I'm in.

I mean, I'm offering you a--
a job.

-Can I kiss you?
-Well--

-Can I?
-Well, let's have a group, uh, hug.

-Oh, yes. Let's!
-(bones cracking)

-Mmm.
-(no audible dialogue)

-(sighs)
-(both groan)

♪♪

♪ Skinny little brats
walkin' down Avenue A ♪

♪ Dangling their cigarettes
Their Independence Day ♪

♪ Tears like filigrees
Wear them on their sleeves ♪

-What do you mean, you can't?
-(hoarsely) My voice.

-We're on in 10 minutes.
-You made me practice all day.

They are back there getting dressed.
Nelle is counting on this.

-I can't sing.
-Hello, Elaine!

-We're going to be counterparts.
-I'm sorry?

I'm coming to work
at Cage, Fish and McBeal.

Isn't that wonderful,
wonderful news?

-Do you even have the words?
-No.

Claire, let me first address
another crisis.

You know lead vocals.
The other Ikettes don't.

I can't sing, Elaine.

-I can sing.
-Do you know "I'm a Woman"?

Ah, it's my theme song.

-No.
-Don't be too quick to judge me, Elaine.

I have a wonderful
singing voice.

And that song?
Written for me.

♪♪

-♪ I made it through the wilderness ♪
-(girls giggling)

♪ You know I made it through ♪

-♪ Didn't know how lost I was ♪
-(giggling)

♪ Until I found you ♪♪

Well, they--they certainly
seem to be--be having fun.

Oh, yeah.

Well, would it be, um, cool if I--if I
jumped in with them?

-It would be very uncool.
-(giggling)

Right. Right.
(clears throat)

Uh, listen. Um--

Uh, Nelle is doing
a little song at the bar.

And-And I think
it's important to her if-if--

Go ahead.

Well, I-I'll be back
in a half an hour at the latest.

I'll be here.

-Do you really--
-I don't mind.

(quietly) Okay. (clears throat)

♪♪

(crowd murmuring, exclaiming)

-Whoo! Woo-hoo!
-Yeah!

ELAINE: ♪ Well, I can wash out
44 pairs of socks ♪

-♪ And have 'em hangin' out on the line ♪
-(applause)

♪ I can starch and iron
two dozen shirts before you

can count from one to nine ♪

♪ You know, I can scoop up
a great big dip full o' lard

from the drippings can ♪

She's amazing.

She sounds an awful lot
like Elaine.

♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ Say it again ♪
♪ Say it again ♪

♪ I can rub and scrub ♪

♪ Until this old
house is shinin' like a dime ♪

(applause)

-You're up next, Claire.
-I'm ready.

-Keep it tucked in.
-Tucked in?

♪ Go out and swing
till 4:00 a.m. and then ♪

♪ Lay down at 5:00 jump up at 6:00
and start all over again ♪

-♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪
-(crowd cheering)

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ I'll say it again ♪

♪ I can stretch a greenback dollar bill
from here to kingdom come ♪

♪ I can play the numbers pay my bills and
still end up with some ♪

♪ I got a $20 gold piece says there's
nothin' I can't do ♪

♪ I can make a dress out of a feed bag and
make (roughly) a man out of you ♪

(together)
♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ I say it again ♪
♪ I say it again ♪

-CLAIRE: ♪ Say it again
♪ -ALL: ♪ 'Cause I'm a woman ♪

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪
-♪ Whoo ♪

♪♪ (Elaine vocalizing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

♪♪

-(elevator bell dings)
-The people loved it, for God sakes.

That's not the point.
You should've called it off.

-Nelle wanted to sing. Nobody else--
-Not with that voice she didn't.

You failed to call it off
because you wanted to sing.

You again made it about yourself
when it was supposed to be

about helping Nelle.

Look. This whole thing was your idea.
Claire knew the song. I went with her.

I'm sorry if I failed you.

(sighs)

People did like it,
Ling.

(sighs)

What are you doing here?

Ah, I came to get some things,
check my messages.

Check to see if John called?

Ling, you--I'm fine
whether John is here or not.

Richard,

don't lie to me.

I know you've been feeling very lonely. Is
it that difficult to be honest?

Honest? You're the, uh, fraud here,
Ling--all this complaining about how the--

the world's gone friendly
and your not being equipped.

You came back to-- to check on me because
you knew I was hurting.

You went up onstage tonight
to help Nelle.

You--You care about
the people you care about, Ling.

Don't think you're fooling me.

You're a good friend.

But your secret's
safe with me.

-Okay? I don't want to hear--
-(girls giggling loudly)

-Okay. Okay, now, um--
-(giggling continues)

Oh. (chuckles)
Eh, juh-juh-juh, jah-zah. Hah!

If you, uh--you guys need anything, I am
going to be right down... the hall.

-Okay?
-Victor said he'd read a story.

But a very, very short one,
because it's already past 11:00.

-Okay, short.
-Yeah. And-- And just so you know,

I-I can hear everything you say.

Uh-huh.
Good night.

ALL: Good night. Good night.
Good night.

Shh.

(giggling resumes)

-(giggling continues)
-Ah. You're up.

Okay.

Oh, you know, and I actually think
that it's going well. They--

They seem to be having fun.

Well, yeah. How about you?
You hangin' in there?

Yeah, yeah. Surviving.
Thank you, Victor.

I bought that bottle of wine. I figured
one glass isn't bein' too irresponsible.

-(giggling continues)
-French kissing. What is it?

Sorry?

They're talking about
French kissing. What is it?

No, no, no, no. I don't want them
talking about French kissing.

Ally.

-Come on. Hurry up. Tell me!
-Well, y-y-you touch tongues.

You stick out your tongue?

No. You don't stick 'em out.
Y-You just, uh--

-Show me.
-Oh, I am not gonna show you.

-Give me a demonstration with Victor.
-I will not.

Come on.
There could be worse things.

Your tongues touch. That's your
explanation. Now go back to bed.

-(groans)
-Shh.

I should not have given her
a demonstration.

No. No. You should not have given her
a demonstration.

-I'll go pour the wine.
-It's a very short story.

All right, girls.
Here we go.

(siren wailing In distance)

You might actually quit
being a judge.

Mmm.

Yeah.

-It's lonely on that bench.
-Huh.

I thought I'd like being
in a place where...

people can't get to you, but...
every once in a while--

You need to have somebody
who can get to you.

Yeah.

I miss you...

guys.

I miss you too.

Anyway--

(sighs)
it's late.

I have an early morning
of justice.

-So don't be a stranger.
-Nor you.

-Hmm.
-♪♪

♪ You've gotta give a little ♪

(chuckles quietly)

♪ Take a little ♪

♪ Sometimes let your poor heart
break a little ♪

♪ That's the story of ♪

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You've gotta laugh a little ♪

♪ Cry a little ♪

♪ Sometimes let your poor heart
die a little ♪

♪ That's the story of ♪

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Now as long as there's
the two of us ♪

♪ We don't need the world
and all its charms ♪

♪ And when the world
is through with us ♪

♪ We've got each other's arms ♪

♪ You've got to give a little ♪

♪ Take a little ♪

♪ Sometimes let your poor heart
break a little ♪

♪ That's the story of ♪

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

WOMAN:
You stinker!