All language subtitles for American.Dad.S20E02.The.Professor.and.the.Coach.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track4_[eng]

(TELEVISION STATIC HISSING)

NEWSMAN: We interrupt this static
with breaking news.

(ALL GROANING)

Langley's arena football team,
the Bazooka Sharks, have announced

they are leaving Langley Falls.

- (ALL GASP)
- No.

I poured so much love into the Sharks.
What will I do now?

No, no, no!

We must do something.
We must write a rap.

Out of my way, babe.

I gotta write a rap
to save the Bazooka Sharks.

Cool beans, babe. I'm off to class.

See you dicklicks later.

Wait a minute. Why are you so happy?
You hate school.

I used to, but I have this new
creative writing professor,

and he is so inspiring.

It's like he lit a fire inside me.

- They're banging, right?
- For sure.

That or it's Roger.

(GRUNTS)

Well, I'm off to shape
the soft clay minds of our youth.

Told you it was Roger.

I'll see you in class, Hayley.

Your inspiring professor is Roger?
Are you serious?

I was skeptical too. But there's
something different about this persona.

He's passionate and engaged.
You know, it sounds crazy,

but I think Roger is his best self
when he's Professor Longbottom.

Hey, is Mom okay?

She's just bugging out
because the Sharks are leaving town.

Oh, wait, I think her twitch
is saying something in Morse code.

Never... gonna...

give you up?

(NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP PLAYING)

(ALL GROANING)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING)
Good morning, USA

I got a feeling
That it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face

And he's shining a salute
To the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

I can't make you crash today, Stan.
I've got class.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

STAN: Football, huh?

Well, I was only going to work
to hit the flagpole.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Does anyone know why
we're having class outside today?

What does every classroom have?

- Desks.
- A pet hamster?

Posters of Abraham Lincoln.

Correct. But also completely wrong.

The correct answer
I'm looking for is "walls."

ALL: Ah!

I hate walls.

Walls are the physical manifestation
of the walls we put up inside our minds

that stop us from becoming writers.

Me, writers?

I'd like to talk today
about Old Faithful,

the geyser in Wyoming.

Old Faithful fills with boiling water,

the same way your mind fills
with ideas for writing.

Like Old Faithful,
you have to erupt onto the page.

Speaking of erupting,

Hayley Smith is getting
her short story published

in Groff's literary zine.

I got into Soul Puddles?

Yes. Your piece, An Alien in My Attic,
will be out Friday.

An irresponsible story to write,
but I am very, very proud of you.

Damn. Professor LB loves you.

I can't get over
what a good teacher you are.

And I can't get over the fact

that I'm riding a bike this speed
and not falling over.

You walk slow.

Dad? What are you doing here?

I found something
to replace the Bazooka Sharks.

I'm a Groff football booster now.

Hey, we're all doing Groff stuff.
That's great.

It would be, except the team
hasn't won a game in three years.

We need a new offensive line.

Hey, isn't Steve always
hanging around with a big boy?

I gotta go.

Stan in a polo shirt.

His gut sticks out,
but his arms look like pythons.

Break some off for me.

Not that I would. He's family.

(GROANING)

Roger, I want to say thank you.

Your inspiration gave me the courage
to write that story.

I just did what
any great professor does.

Nurse a red wine hangover
while pretending to care about

whatever my hottest student
was talking about.

Not you, obviously. You're family.

Old Faithful, a novel
by Dickens Longbottom.

- You're writing a novel?
- It's nothing.

Just your basic sci-fi noir,
with elements of dark fantasy

and staged realism
centered around Old Faithful.

- Can I read it?
- Not till it's finished.

I'm having trouble with the ending.

And middle.

The beginning has been pretty elusive.
Writing is hard.

Well, maybe I can be your writing buddy.
Help keep you on task.

Support your writing
the way you supported mine.

I was incredibly helpful to you.

Okay, let's meet tomorrow
at the coffee shop.

I like to write in public

so other people
can see that I'm writing.

It's a very important
part of my process.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, Mr. Smith. Are you here
to have sex with my parents?

If that's what you want, Barry.

Because from now on,
you get everything you want.

Because I'm recruiting you to play
football at Groff Community College.

I'm in ninth grade.

And that's why community college
is the perfect place for you.

Let's go for a drive.
We'll take your car.

I don't have a car.

Then whose keys to a seven-year-old SUV

with 120,000 miles on it are these?

You like prostitutes, Barry?

Okay, Roger. Let's write that book.

What is it?

It's just that table seems
a lot better for writing.

But that's the only other table
with people at it.

Must be writers too. Show-offs.

Wait, I think they're leaving.

They're not leaving, but maybe soon.

No rush. I'm a writer too.

They sure didn't like me
flicking their ears like that.

Okay, time to write.

This computer feels a little small.

Look at this behemoth.

This is a computer. I'm ready.

- My chair is too low.
- Ugh.

You got a really nice lap.

I'm starting to think
this computer might be too big.

Roger, what's going on?

Do you even want to finish this novel?

Of course. But I'm afraid.

What if it's not universally beloved?

What if it's merely a cult classic?

You have to power through that fear.
Dive in.

- Dive on in.
- And just write.

You're right. Let's do this.

(INHALES AND EXHALES)

Listen to me clacking away, Hayley.
I'm writing.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

I can't focus with this noise.
What's happening?

If anyone is wondering what's happening,

the dean is having a pep rally
to announce our new football coach.

Woo!

I mean, we've got to check that out.

Do we?

Welcome. I'm Dean Barkov.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, yeah, that's a sick reaction.

I'd like to introduce
our new football coach.

- Please welcome Burton Grundy.
- (CROWD CHEERING)

Whoa! Burton Grundy?

The God-fearing family man
who treats his players

with respect and wins wherever he goes.

How do you know so much about...

This better not be you.

Plus, check out this unique specific.
He never curses.

Just go.

(CROWD CHEERING)

I'd like to thank you
for welcoming me to Groff.

Me and my Christian wife
have prayed for this day.

And I promise you,
I will stop at Jiminy Glick-ing nothing

to win a championship.

(CHEERING)

I avoided COVID for three years,

and now I've caught writer's block
and football fever on the same day.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, nevermind. I have COVID.

- Hey, can I talk to you?
- Sure.

I can take a break from turning losers
into champions.

Roger, I'm worried that Coach Grundy

is just a distraction to keep you
from writing your book.

Coach Grundy is not
a distraction, Hayley. Listen.

Inside everyone, there are two sides.

- (MARKER SQUEAKING)
- A coach and a professor.

Like an offense and a defense,
they share the field and...

Honestly, I'm not sure
where this analogy goes.

I'm too distracted
by these super-squeaky markers.

(MARKER SQUEAKING)

So, Professor Longbottom is still going
to buckle down and write this thing?

He needs to share his unique voice
with the world.

(MIMICKING MARKER SQUEAKING)
Yes.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got some young boys
to turn into men.

That sounds sexual but in this case,
this one particular case, it's not.

This field.

This field is where you'll bleed
with your brothers.

Did you say "bleed"?

I did.

Barry, you may have also heard me
say the word "brothers."

That's because football is a family.

I already have a family.

Parents aren't a family, Barry.
They're a distraction.

Close your eyes.

Imagine thousands, nay, hundreds of fans
chanting your name.

(CHANTING)
Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry!

You in or what?

Check it out. Wheelie!

Hey, it's been two weeks
since your last writing session.

Yeah, football season has been
making it tough to find time,

mainly because I'm going to a ton
of the practices and games.

Are you sure about this

"professor and a coach
inside all of us" theory?

Never heard that one.

But we're right by the coffee shop,

the one place in the world
where I'm able to write.

Want to stop in, bang out some pages?

Sounds... Grundy's Chophouse?

What happened to the coffee shop?

Any time I take a job
in a new city, I open a Grundy's.

It's a place for me to get plastered

away from the prying eyes
of my Christian wife.

Plus, it's a great way to bilk
a little extra money

off any local rubes.

KLAUS: Hayley!

I didn't know you grubbed at Grundy's.

I came here to help Professor Longbottom
do some writing, but...

I told you not to take Roger seriously.

Professor Longbottom is
Roger's sensitive side, and it's real.

He's just manifesting Coach Grundy
to protect himself from failing.

I need to get rid of him.

Listen. I've followed
Grundy's entire career.

If Longbottom is the best of Roger,
Grundy is the absolute worst.

Oh, baby, I love how much
you're not my wife.

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

He goes through a cycle.

He comes to town,
gets into some scandal.

Then he steps away from football
to "focus on family."

It usually takes a couple seasons.

Hmm. Maybe I could speed up the process.

My actions have no consequences!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(PLAYERS GRUNTING)

- (BONES CRACK)
- (BARRY YELLS)

Barry!

(BARRY CRYING)

You!

How would you like to play
Groff football

and have a family for life?

Please, help Barry.

What's your take on prostitutes?

One week following Coach Grundy around,

and I've got enough dirt
to take him down for good.

Here. Play this on the Jumbotron.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

(GASPS)

He was a balloon!

Groff fans.

You probably know me as Hayley Smith,
recently published in Soul Puddles.

(ALL BOOING)

Thank you. But I'm not here
to talk about my accomplishments.

I'm here to show you
the real Coach Grundy.

This'll teach you to stop fumbling.

- (PLAYER YELLS)
- (CROWD GASPS)

Oh, shit! Shit! That douchebag
Dean Barkov is eating at table four.

I'm going to slap my schlong
on his New York strip real quick.

(UNZIPS PANTS)

- (THUMPS)
- (CROWD GASPS)

Ecstasy for you. Ecstasy for you.
Ecstasy for you.

Lithium for you, Terry,
you have problems. And...

Ecstasy and lithium for me.

Now, who wants sex
from a football coach?

- (CROWD GASPS AND MURMURS)
- (SIGHS)

Groff fans,

since this video came out, my family
and I have been in constant prayer.

And we've decided that I am going

to step away from football
to focus on what's important.

Family.

But don't worry, I will be back...

for the third quarter.

Y'all have the Gatorade ready,

'cause I'm winning
this Jiminy Glick-ing game.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Hayley. There you are.

I want you to know
I'm leaving the university.

It's like the whole school is obsessed
with football,

including me!

I'll never finish my book.

But the only thing stopping you
is you, like...

Like, literally you.

Roger, don't you see
that Grundy is just a wall

you're putting up between you
and your fear of rejection?

(IMITATING RONALD REAGAN)
Mr. Longbottom, tear down this wall.

Terrible Reagan, Hayley.
Absolutely brutal.

But how am I supposed to finish my book?

You're a writer.

All you need is pen and paper.

- And Adderall?
- Of course, Adderall.

(CHUCKLING) You're not a magician.

(POP SONG PLAYING)

(NO AUDIO)

I'd like to thank you all for joining me
to celebrate the release of my book.

After spending years writing it,

I feel fortunate to have gotten it
published immediately upon completion.

Luckily, I'm acquainted with famed
publisher Roger T. Publishing Persona.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

First reviews are in.

Is there a good way to interpret
the phrase "literary abortion"?

- It's just one review.
- This is your fault!

You made me expose myself
to the whole world,

which is something
I ordinarily enjoy doing,

but not in this case.

Not in this one particular case.

(SOBBING)

Roger, it's been weeks.
Can I talk to Longbottom?

You can't. He's gone for good.

You think he'd show his face
after that embarrassment of a book?

It wasn't even that many pages.
Not like my book.

It's half memoir,
half chophouse recipe book,

and half football playbook.

This thing's heavy as (BLEEP).
Just try and catch it.

Mmm. Nice hands.
But could you do it over the middle

with a linebacker bearing down on you
ready to take your head off?

I bet you could.

I'm worried about Roger.

He hasn't been anybody but that
stupid football coach for weeks.

He said he was going full Grundy.
No other personas.

Well, that's bad news.
He came into my room this morning

and said I had to wake up
for two-a-days.

And the only thing I want to do
twice a day is whack it.

- You know what I mean?
- Nice.

- Ew.
- I mean, ew!

This is my fault.
I convinced Roger to take a risk.

He got hurt, and now he'll never let
the good part of himself out again.

You're crazy.

He let the good part of himself out
all over this book.

Ooh! Old Faithful.
This is my all-time favorite play.

He has a play called Old Faithful?

Klaus, look at this.

The receiver runs out of bounds
and onto the next page.

A recipe for Wyoming-style potato skins.

Do you think Longbottom
is somewhere inside Roger,

leaving clues wanting us to find him?

That's crazy, Hayley.

But devil's advocate,
do you think this could be anything?

Professor Longbottom is at Old Faithful.

I'm not saying you're right,
but if you are, I better come with you.

ROGER: Chapter six.

We were down 21-7 to Lanceton
and we were cooked,

just like my famous
Grundy's Chophouse wings,

available in piles of 25, 75, or 175.

Return the bones for discounted drinks.

Please stop taking the bones home.

Roger, why is so much of Grundy's book
about chicken bones?

ROGER: They're buying the meat,
not the bones.

I, uh, need to run ahead because...
I have to pee?

Yes. Yes. Good enough.

Hayley, my prized pupil.

Roger, I came to bring
the professor home.

Why would you wanna do that?

Professor Longbottom is
a passionate, inspiring soul.

Grundy is just trying
to hold you inside,

- but you need to burst out like...
- Old Faithful.

(SLOW CLAPPING)

You led me right to him.

Wait, what's happening?
I led you to you?

And now it's time
for the old ether-cut-to-black.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, good, you're awake.

Roger, what's going on?

We're both gonna die
when this geyser erupts.

What? Why are you doing this?

It's not me, it's Grundy.
I'm Roger's vulnerable side.

As long as I exist, being all weak
and shit, his feelings can get hurt.

This is stupid. Klaus was right.
You're a maniac. Untie me.

I can't. I'm just as tied up as you.
Grundy is at the cabin now.

He's gonna burn it down, along with all
the many, many unsold copies of my book.

I'll be erased forever.

You're at the cabin right now.

Hayley, you know what I mean. It's over.

There's nothing we can do to stop him.

Okay, I should get going.

Don't leave me here alone.

You're not alone.
You're with the professor.

S'up, dude?

(LIQUID SPLATTERING)

"They called her Old Faithful,

"but me, I was young
and couldn't be faithful for a second."

Yikes.

As soon as I sign this contract,

the Bazooka Sharks will officially be
moving to Ottawa.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- JEFF: Don't sign that paper.

Maybe you forgot,
but I've been writing a rap.

(PHONE BEEPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Before you move the 'Zooka Sharks

Jeff Fischer's got a few remarks

The Sharks belong in Langley

Where they got mad history

Like the time we lost by 63

An all-time Sharks memory

'Zooka 'Zooka Sharks

'Zooka Sharks

'Zooka Sharks

There's just one more reason
to keep the sharks in Langley

Let the memory of that little girl
who died in the stands

RIP always and forever
Our youngest fan

'Zooka Sharks

'Zooka Sharks

'Zooka Sharks

Don't tarnish the legacy
of Johnny Concussion

Sharks all-time leader in rushin'

- Thirty yards!
- So move the Sharks at your discretion

But if you do, I'mma send you to heaven

Introduce your ass to God

(ECHOING) Rest in peace, Lisa Jenkis

Who cares about money?

The Sharks belong in Langley Falls!

You did it, Jeff. You saved the Sharks!

By the way, whoever put me
in an adult diaper, thank you.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Don't worry.
I'm gonna get you out of there.

- Great!
- Starting with the professor.

What?

Ah! Ahhh!

Roger!

Oh, fine. You're such a baby.

(SCREAMING)

- What the hell changed your mind?
- This book.

I read it and loved it.

And I realized if a piece of art
touches even one person,

it's worthwhile.

And it did touch one person.

Me. I touched myself, Hayley.

- Jiminy (BLEEP) Glick.
- Hayley, wait.

Just so you know, I was the professor
and the coach the whole time.