All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S01E14.1997.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal.

Maybe it's just the wattle.

- Excuse me?
- On her neck.

That's what I go for with older women,
the loose skin on the neck.

The hint of a wattle. There's nothing
more arousing for me,

the way it just
gently hangs there.

And Whipper-- I wonder,
do I really love her...

or is it just the impending wattle
that just makes me crazy!

Did you fiddle with my wife's wattle?

It wasn't in a sexual way.

Oh, please. I know your fetish.

It's not like a neck
is sexual for Georgia or you.

It's a one-way jolly.
What's the harm?

I know what these looks are about,
and I don't like 'em.

Well, I have been looking at you,
but not for that.

Ever since childhood
I've collected Barbie dolls.

I just never met a grown-up living one
in person before.

And working side-by-side with Skipper--
I don't know.

I was just kind of blown away.

Society drills it into us
that women should be married.

We could change it, Renee.

And if women really wanted to change
society, they could do it.

I plan to change it.

I just want to get
married first.

♪♪ [ Band: "The Stripper" ]

Go, sweetie.

[ Giggles ] [ Ally ] Oh, my God. Tell me
he's not gonna do this.

Tell me she's not
gonna let him.

Why does she want to marry this guy?

She hit 30.

[ Scoffs ] If I ever get that desperate
just drop a big rock on my head.

[ Laughing ]

Okay, you single guys.
Come on up.

[ Man ] Here I am! Let's go!

Time to face the music. Don't make me come
down there and drag you up here.

- I hate weddings.
- Me too.

Come on. Gather around.
Follow orders.

Why, do you think?

You're gonna have to if you catch that
garter!

We're alone.

Oh, yeah. That.
♪♪ [ Drumroll ]

- ♪♪ [ Cymbal Crashes ]
- [ Applause ]

We're almost at the part
where they play "Shout."

"Mack the Knife."
"New York, New York."

We got Tory up here
with her bouquet.

Come on, you single gals.

This is the moment
you've been waiting for.

You know what they say.

The one who catches it
is the next to marry.

Well, I guess we
shouldn't be rude.

Guess not.

Hate this part.

Who comes up with
these customs anyway?

Why does the whole world think
we're rushing to get married?

[ Tory ]
It means so much to me.

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Gasps ]

Cindy, Mindy,

Aunt Marge.

This is for you.

- Just get it over with.
- Please.

♪♪ [ Drumroll ]

[ Woman ] Hey, Tory!
♪♪ [ Cymbal Crashes ]

[ Grunts ]

[ All Groan ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Thuds ]

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know
I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

That is the last
bridesmaid's dress I ever wear.

Until the next wedding.

I swear. I would sooner be
out in public in my pajamas.

You know, sometimes, Renee,

it feels like we're the only ones
not getting married.

'Cause we aren't.

You know, Georgia and I are
working on this case right now.

We're trying to allow
a woman to marry this guy

who's serving a life sentence.

He hijacked a plane,
and he blew up two buildings.

And yet your client still wants to marry
him?

Well, yeah.

She started writing him letters,

and then she started talking
to him, and I don't know--

She hit 30.

Seriously, Renee. Why-- This thing
about being married--

- Why do you think women--
- We're brainwashed.

First stories
we hear as babies--

Snow White, Cinderella.

All about getting the guy--
being saved by the guy.

[ Groans ]
Today it's Little Mermaid,

Aladdin, Pocahontas.

All about getting the guy.

So basically we're
screwed up because of--

Disney.

The Supreme Court has defended
an inmate's right to marry.

- It is not a loser.
- But he's maximum security.

Also a model prisoner.
He was 20 when he hijacked that plane.

We have changed circumstances.

Maybe you should third-chair it, John.

I'm in smile therapy this morning,
otherwise I'd be glad to.

- You're in smile therapy?
- Yes.

I won't sit here
to be disparaged.

Nobody's disparaging you, John,
but what exactly is smile therapy?

I'm prone toward sternness,
facially.

There's some anecdotal evidence
to suggest...

that a smile isn't simply
inside-out conduct--

that the inverse
is applicable as well.

I smile because I'm happy.
I'm happy because I smile.

People have a constitutional
right to be married, whether or not--

The man is a maximum security
violent prisoner.

He's not violent.
He just blows things up.

And the Supreme Court
in Turner said that--

Marriage for inmates
is subject to restrictions.

As long as it's the least restrictive
means to achieve the goal.

And what the goal is in preventing
marriage is a mystery to begin with.

These are the questions best left to the
superintendent of the prison.

Right, let's let the warden
decide.

To him the Constitution
is a big ship.

If two people love each other,

the court should stay clear
until they get a divorce.

Look, counsel.
This guy is a lifer.

Now, personally,
I'm an incurable romantic.

But I'm upholding
the superintendent's decision.

If you want it reversed,
you'll have to go to him.

[ Urinating ]

[ John ] Smile therapy
for the whole firm?

[ Richard ] Well, if it
really can breed happiness.

[ Zipper Zips ]

[ Toilets Flush ]

We've never really recovered from that
sexual harassment stuff.

If smile therapy could help, why not?

I'll set up a session.

We started this firm as a place where
people could be happy, right?

Hey, preaching to the choir.

Great. Set it up.

Oh, and, John, pants.

I'd love to be able to
accommodate Ms. Thomas,

but the truth is,
I don't have discretion.

The judge said you did. Well, the only
court-recognized exceptions...

which would allow for a prisoner to marry
are: if they had a child.

They don't. Or if she were pregnant,
which I understand she is not.

Okay. Um, how about permitting
conjugal visits?

Can't. No conjugals for
non-married prisoners.

And married or not, no conjugals for
maximum security prisoners.

You seem open
to finding a way.

I don't enjoy
being intransigent.

But here in
the prison world,

rules are everything.

It isn't fair.
It isn't.

Janie, can I...
ask you something?

What would you get being married to him
that you can't get now?

There's no inheritance.

There's--
There's no insurance to speak of.

And-- And you obviously
won't be parents.

- Why?
- Because I love him.

Isn't that enough
to want to be married?

It is.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't help but overhear, probably
because I was eavesdropping. Bygones.

Janie, I could be wrong, but the main
reason women seek to marry...

is to basically make it much harder
for the man to get away.

You latch onto him with legal strings,
ball and chain, he's caught.

You already have that.
He's in prison.

He's not going anywhere. He almost
literally wears the ball and chain.

And not only will he not be having sex
with other women,

he won't be having it
with you.

In a sense,
you really are married.

[ Vonda ]
♪ Don't ♪

♪ Don't ♪

♪ That's what you say ♪
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

- And she didn't buy it?
- Gee, I wonder why not.

What kind of woman
falls for a guy in prison?

That is exactly our problem,
Ally.

We need to be able to make a judge or the
warden understand it,

'cause their reaction
is the same as Billy's.

So is mine actually. I mean, the guy is
serving a life sentence.

Oh, my God!

- What?
- There. Bar. Her.

- Is that really her?
- I heard she was in town.

- She's hanging out at a bar?
- Where are you going?

It's Janet Reno.
Like I'm just gonna sit here?

Oh.
God help us now.

Ms. Reno.
My name is Richard Fish.

I am a big admirer. You have no idea.
Might I ask you to dance?

Actually, I'm--
What-What's that on your--

Looks like there's some soot or-or
something.

Where?

Just-- Just here.
I can-- can get it.

He's fingering her wattle.

He's hitting on
the attorney general.

[ Richard ] Here. I can get it off.
[ Laughs ]

A little smudge. I can get it.
Ooh.

- Have you got it?
- You're tickling me.

Wha-- Let's see. Almost. Almost.
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

Oh!

♪ If you think ♪

♪ That this is just ♪

♪ A game ♪

- ♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Uh-oh. Look.

Oh, boy.

[ Richard ] A bunch of brouha over a few
phone calls from the White House.

Really, what's the deal?

I'm sure Billy's called
some of those 900 numbers.

[ Janet Chuckles ]
Can you imagine?

[ Imitating Bill Clinton ]
Hi, I'm the president.

Can you come over and hum
a little hail to my chief?

- Uh-oh. Now, see, I--
- ♪ Don't ♪

- No, no. Just a little--
- ♪ Don't ♪

♪ That's what you say ♪

Whipper. Hi.

Janet Reno.
Whipper.

Hey, hi!

Judge.
Attorney General.

And this would be
the special prosecutor?

Funny. Bygones.
Spritzer?

- He's gonna get it now.
- He should.

The Whip and Janet Reno.
Now, there's a cat fight.

She's the attorney general.

It was firm business.
I can even deduct the cocktails.

I have no doubt your business
was firm,

but I'm really not
interested in your explanation.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

I know that body language.

Like I'm really gonna try
and hit on somebody

who could have me attacked by the F.B.I.

Richard, why don't you
put your yammering on pause

for just one brief second?

- Stick a fork in him.
- Really?

You're done. We're done.
See ya!

Whoa!

Told ya.

♪ When the night grows cold ♪

♪ And I want to hold you ♪
Oh, boy.

♪ Baby, don't say don't ♪♪

[ Renee ] I understand
she broke up with him.

What I don't quite get is why you want to
move to Switzerland.

Because everything is neutral
in Switzerland.

People are even emotionally
neutral in Switzerland.

All they do is drink hot chocolate,
work in banks, nobody gets hurt,

and they get to lead nice lives, right up
to the point where they shoot themselves.

Richard and Whipper--
another setback for love.

And you take that
personally.

See you tonight, David.

This is really where the smile can be
most effective-- when you're upset.

- I don't want to smile, John.
- Well, let's try a small one.

Whipper dumped me last night.
I don't feel like smiling.

If that troubles you, go stand on a
railroad track and take a moment.

That remark troubles me.

This is one of the ways you can use the
smile to deal with upset.

You're a cracker.

Unacceptable.

- Richard.
- Not now.

Richard.

- She has every right to be angry.
- Oh, come on.

Richard, you were having
relations with another woman's neck.

I mean, how can she
not feel betrayed?

It didn't mean anything. That's all it
was, just a pretty throat.

Richard, if you want
Whipper back,

don't be denying
what happened last night.

Well, why don't
you call her and see--

She won't talk to me.

The message on her machine
says if I even come near her,

she'll file
a restraining order.

- You want me to talk to her?
- Uh--

No, I'm actually not such a disaster when
it comes to other people's lives.

Hmm. Yep. Yeah.

- Solitary confinement?
- Yes.

Evidently he went nuts.

He picked up a trash can and threw it in
the general vicinity of the warden.

Now he's in solitary confinement.
I can't even visit him.

- What's wrong?
- They stuck him in solitary.

Why can't he be married?

What state interest
could possibly be served?

He's throwing trash cans today.
He wasn't doing that yesterday.

Can't we make the argument

that marriage could be good
for the inmate,

which would be good for
the prison,

which would be good
for the whole damn state?

- We tried, but--
- We could go back in again--

- into court.
- With what?

New evidence: trash can?

Uh, Judge Smart
is all mood.

Some days he says yes,
other days he says no.

It's all how you catch him.

[ Janie ]
Then go again. Please.

John!

Um-- Excuse me.

This smiling therapy-- Do they talk about
how it works the other way?

I beg your pardon?

Well, instead of how
it makes you feel,

`do they ever get into how
it makes the other person feel?

What-What am I getting at?

Um, smiling, flirting,
and that kind of thing?

Using it to, um--

to negotiate, to get
something that you want?

Well, that skill is innate
to every woman, isn't it?

I know it seems silly.

But given Richard's fetish,
when he touches a neck,

it's no different than
a man kissing another woman.

- The truth is, it's worse than that.
- Okay, okay.

But given that
it is a fetish,

that would mean that
he's equipped

with less self-control than other men.

I thought about that.
I did. But it's--

But it's-it's what?

[ Sighs ]

It hurts a little more
because it's Janet Reno.

- It does?
- Yeah.

I mean, I'm prepared to see him smitten
with a pretty model...

or a young piece
of eye candy.

But Janet Reno is smart,
and she's powerful.

So you see her
as a-- a threat?

Whipper, do you have
any idea how beautiful you are?

Oh.

- This doesn't leave this room.
- Of course.

A lot of times,
particularly lately,

he's been making up excuses
not to go to bed when I go.

You know, he's got to
stay up late or do some work

or catch up with some stuff.
You know how it goes.

You think he's doing that
to avoid having sex with you?

I don't know.

But a few times I've come out of the
bedroom, and I've caught him.

Caught him... doing what?

Watching CNN--
C-SPAN when she was on.

- Janet Reno?
- Yeah.

And one night I came out when she was on
Nightline, and he was--

I couldn't be sure, but I think he was
touching himself.

He's got something
for that woman.

I'm sorry
I snapped at you.

I know. You've had trouble
with Whipper before,

and you never suggested my taking a moment
on a railroad track.

What was it about this time?

This time we actually broke up.

And when a couple that's
been together for a few years,

a couple with
commitment problems--

We both know those couples don't return
to make another go of it...

without agreement on one issue.

Marriage.

Let's face it. I can tell her I love her
till I'm blue in the face.

It's gonna keep coming straight
back to that. What do I say?

I'm waiting for the Red Sox
to win a World Series first?

Well, if she accepted that,
you'd be safe.

- Hmm.
- Why not marry her? You love her.

John, over 50% of marriages
end in divorce.

More than half. Add to that our age
difference. Add to that me.

Do I strike you as a person
who has a stronger

or lesser chance statistically?

If you want to get back with her,
you've got to go to her.

Right now I wouldn't know how.

I'll show you.

So basically, your strategy is flirting?

Sort of.

Well, don't you think
Georgia should do it?

- Why?
- Well, she smiles.

- I smile.
- I know!

- But-- Never mind.
- No, no, no. What?

Ally, you have a-- a...

natural pout.

- I do not.
- You're right.

I have pouty lips, Renee.
I don't pout.

- I have a radiant smile.
- I know.

Just because I don't walk around
smiling all of the time--

I have an infectious smile.
I know. I've seen it.

- I don't pout.
- Listen, Ally.

Um, why--
why did you bring me here?

Oh! Well, um,

aside from whatever goodwill
I can generate with-- with my--

- Radiant smile.
- [ Scoffs ]

Janie, um, I--
I know that you love him.

But is there anything that you
can think of

that I would be
able to say to the judge to--

I mean, do you really need
that piece of paper?

Maybe not.
But I want it.

- I want it.
- Okay. Why?

Because when I make that vow
to love him forever,

I want it recognized, not just by him and
me, but by our families,

by the world.

But since you can't
physically be together--

Why do people keep saying that?

Emotionally.

I sit at my piano at home,
and I sing to him every night.

So what that he's not
physically in the room.

She sings to somebody
she's not sure even exists.

- What?
- "Good Night, My Someone."

Oh! You sing
"Good Night, My Someone"?

It's just a pro tem song
until I meet somebody real.

[ Chuckles ]
What do you sing?

- "For Your Love."
- "For Your Love"?

- Could you--
- Sure.

♪♪ [ Ballad ]

♪ For your love ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪

♪ For your love ♪

So, you stand here,
feet shoulder width apart.

And I see myself.

It's kind of a cheat
using the mirror, isn't it?

I see myself first as I am.

Then how I want to be.

- And then I hear the bells.
- Bells?

- Tolling for me.
- Mmm.

And they fill me. Watch.

♪♪ [ Bells Tolling,
Music Swelling ]

- Did you see me change a little?
- Some.

You try it.

- [ Sighs ]
- Just look into yourself deeply.

See yourself
talking to Whipper...

winningly.

♪♪ [ Cowbell Clanging ]

[ Sighs ]
I guess I'm not quite, uh, there yet.

Keep staring. And when you feel
it, go to her.

♪♪ [ Cowbell Clanging ]

♪♪ [ Piano ]

Ehh--

♪ But we all get foolish ♪

♪ That's why I repeat ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ I would go anywhere ♪

♪ I would go anywhere ♪

♪ I would go anywhere ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ For your ♪

[ Together ]
♪ Love ♪♪

Whatever he says, laugh.

Men love to be thought of as funny,
except when they're in bed.

And, you know,
touch his arm whenever.

And, you know, in a pinch,
I sometimes allude to

not wearing any underwear.

I won't be in that pinch.

Are you sure that Georgia
shouldn't do this?

- I mean--
- I smile.

Hey, Ally! Ally, hi! I just couldn't sit
at home and wait.

I think it's hormones.
I'm probably ovulating.

- But I've been walking--
- I will be back in an hour.

And if you want to wait, fine.
Uh, maybe you could, um--

Uh-- Did you say
you were ovulating?

Hey. What's up?

- The client's in heat.
- [ Ally ] Elaine!

What?

Hey, Richard!

He's off to woo Whipper.
It's an exciting day.

[ Laughs ]

Oh!

- [ Clears Throat ]
- Hello.

Hi!
[ Chuckles ]

Thank you so much for taking
the time out to see me.

- [ Giggles ]
- I'll be needing that.

- Excuse me?
- My hand.

Oh! [ Chuckles ]
Oh.

That was a good one.

"I'll be needing that."

Oh, so, I've been looking at pictures
of your children, and they are so cute!

- Thank you.
- And this older one, he's so handsome.

I guess he has some
of his daddy's genes.

He's adopted.

- And your wife--
- You're flirting.

I am.
[ Picture Taps Table ]

Here-Here's the thing.

Without belaboring how much
my client wants to get married,

I'm asking for a court order to allow her
fiancé to make sperm deposits.

- I beg your pardon?
- Janie's ovulating.

It's not unprecedented for prisoners to
make deposits into sperm banks.

That's what I'd be
looking for here,

but the exception being that my client
would be the bank.

Now, should she get pregnant,
well, that would constitute...

a compelling state interest
to allow them to get married.

- Who thought of that?
- Me.

Now, you told me yourself that
you're an incurable romantic.

Well, this would allow
for the romantic result...

without overriding
the superintendent's discretion.

Hey.

Hey.

I really appreciate you
agreeing to see me, Whip, but--

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just that I've never seen you
in, uh, a turtleneck before.

Oh, yeah, well, I decided not to
take any chances.

Y-You--

[ Exhales ]
Whipper.

♪♪ [ Bells Tolling, Music Swelling ]
Uh--

I've thought long and hard
about this.

And I've decided you need to hear
something you might not care to hear.

Fire away.

You locate way too much of your
self-esteem in your neck,

and it's hurting you.

You have perfect breasts, the ripest rump
on the Eastern Seaboard,

your stomach can make
a washboard jealous,

and your hair flows
like an untamed river.

You are more than just a pretty neck,
and you need to know that.

You left out my eyes.

[ Chuckles ]

Oops.

- And you left out my lips.
- Ah, yeah.

- And my soft, soft Midas-touch hands.
- Yeah.

- And my thighs.
- Yeah.

But most of all, Nuckie,
you left out my knee.

[ Groans ]
Oh!

Well, I know
I should be happy.

- I guess I'm still a little stunned.
- Me too.

This only works, of course,
if you want children.

I do.
But how do I get to--

Well, basically, we-we give him a
cup, and we give him some privacy.

And you'll be waiting at
the clinic with a turkey baster.

And since you're ovulating,
you have a decent chance.

And if you do conceive, then you qualify
under prison rules to marry him.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
I-- Okay.

I guess I'll have to go tell Michael.

Well, another snafu there.

See, since he's in solitary, he's only
allowed to see his lawyers.

So, I-- I can't have contact with him,
but I can get pregnant by him?

This is why I went into law--
nuance.

No hot baths to kill your eggs.
And I would breath deeply as well.

Stress can be a prohibitor.

Let's get you an appointment
at a fertility clinic.

And, Georgia, you and I
will go see... daddy. [ Chuckles ]

- This is insane.
- We're lawyers, Billy.

That's our job: distort the law
beyond all common sense.

Should we bring him
a magazine?

You're gonna go to prison, and give him
a piece of Tupperware?

Metal isn't allowed.
Plastic is okay.

- Who gets to burp it? Quiet!
- [ Ally ] Elaine!

- Why does it bother you?
- It doesn't bother me. It's just--

Prisoner's rights aside, there have to be
limits and this strikes me as nuts.

- It's not Tupperware.
- [ Bell Dings ]

- We know this is a bit of a, you know--
- Shock.

But it seems to be
the only way.

This isn't a reason to bring a child
into the world.

No, it-it isn't.

But Janie has said that you both want
to have a child anyway.

So-- So, I just take a cup, and--

Yep.

[ Exhales Forcefully ]

I'm not too great...
under pressure.

Oh. Well, um--

um, there-there's
no time limit.

And Mr. Yorkin says that you can bring
reading material in there.

And maybe periodicals
with pictures could help.

This-- This all seems,
uh, crazy.

'Cause it-- it is.

Okay.

This might seem untoward,
but before I go back in there,

would you sort of stand back a little,
and just let me look at you?

I most certainly will not!

Forget it!

I think that you should just...
think of Janie.

[ Urinating ]

[ John ] It was perhaps wrong
to objectify her...

as a means of redemption.

[ Richard ]
I was trying to be diffusive.

[ Elaine ] And you didn't leave out
her hair?

"Untamed river."
It's so damn confusing.

[ Flushing ]
[ Zipper Zips ]

Don't you think it was ill-conceived to
venture there in praise of her breasts?

John, if there's one thing
I know, it's women.

When they're beautiful, they need to
be thought of as smart.

When they're smart, they need to be
thought of as beautiful.

Whipper is a judge, for God's sake.
She's a legal scholar.

Of course she wants
her breasts praised.

And what was Janet Reno
doing on that barstool?

Looking to rehash Waco?
Am I wrong, Elaine?

Hmm. What women want
is commitment, Richard.

Oh! That is such an overused,
trite generalization.

They need commitment.
What does that say about women?

That they'd rather
be monogamous,

unlike men who want to procreate with
anything that moves.

Exactly. You said that, not me.
Don't be calling me chauvinistic.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]
He has problems.

Hmm.

I expect you two are feeling
quite ingenious today.

We're only doing this because of you,
Mr. Yorkin, and your rules.

Yes, I suppose it will make a nice little
news item with some spotlight.

They love each other.
Are-- Are you that cynical?

I realize that you're not surrounded
with the best of mankind,

but maybe you need
to get out more.

The thing is,
he's never getting out.

- Are you married, Mr. Yorkin?
- Yes.

- You love your wife?
- Very much, but I live with her.

We wake up side-by-side every day.
I go home to her.

These two people live
in totally separate worlds.

Why are you insisting
that it all make sense?

I mean, if you want to be practical,
would-- would any marriage make sense?

They love each other,
Mr. Yorkin.

And it's not just enough.
It's--

It's everything.

Give it to me.

♪♪ [ Guitar ]

[ Vonda ]
♪ For your love ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪♪

When you were
in law school,

did you ever daydream
of doing a big murder trial?

Yeah.

Did you ever daydream
about becoming a judge?

Sometimes.

Did you ever wonder about sitting in a
prison waiting for a warden...

to come springing out
with a cup of semen?

[ Laughs ]

My dad always said,

"Education'll take you
anywhere you want to go."

[ Buzzing ]
[ Door Opens ]

All right, ladies.
Your client has responded.

Great.

- Take it.
- You take it.

Um, I'm... on the phone.

Take it.

♪♪ [ Guitar ]

[ Vonda ]
♪ For your love ♪

We should be there in 20 minutes,
less if we don't hit traffic.

♪ I would do anything ♪
No, no, we are hurrying.

♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]

I think you were
supposed to turn left there.

- What? What?
- Yeah.

Oh, damn it! No, no, no.
Not you, Janie. We'll be there.

You just relax
and-and-and ovulate.

Okay.

How do you feel about one-way streets?
[ Horn Honks ]

Oh! Normally, I'm a fan,
but not with a cop watching.

[ Siren Chirps ]
What?

Just-Just relax.
Pull over. Relax.

[ Siren Chirps ]
Relax.

She may be in session
for a while.

Well, I'll wait.

Hello, Officer.

- License and registration, ma'am.
- Absolutely.

I suppose you were wondering what I was
doing going down a one-way street.

[ Giggles ]

I-- I was going one way.
[ Laughs ]

- Have you been drinking, ma'am?
- No. I-- I don't-- Um--

May I see the container?

- No.
- Ma'am?

Hm-mmm. Officer, um,
even if I had been drinking,

I promise you I-I was not
drinking from this.

Step out of the car, ma'am, both of you.
And give me the container.

I really think we should focus
on that one-way street.

Out now, or I'll
place you under arrest.

Uh-huh.
[ Clears Throat ]

Give it to me.

- What is it?
- I can't tell.

[ Bell Dinging ]

- You know what it is?
- Oh, yes.

What?

Let's put it this way.

Everything that a man
truly has to offer a woman?

It's in that cup.

[ John ] The cheeks should actually reach
for the corners of your eyes.

The theory being sort of a kinesiology
between the cheek and spirit.

It's ridiculous.

And it can cause wrinkles.

It's okay.

You came back
for the other knee?

Hey, you kissed another man
not too long ago--

Cheanie in the restaurant-- so let's not
start pointing fingers.

That was symptomatic of
something else completely.

Don't you dare try to be comparing that
to Janet Reno's wattle.

You're not upset about Janet Reno. This is
about you and me.

Damn right! You and me.

Well, here I am. You and me!
Let's deal with it!

Your deal.

You've changed your mind?

Not about wanting to marry him,
but I have--

Do you have any idea all
we've been through, Janie?

Yes.

We went out on a huge limb in court.
We almost got arrested.

Even as much as I want
to have a child with him,

harvesting a child as a means
of circumventing prison rules--

It's-- It's perverse.

Listen, I-I completely understand
your having second thoughts.

But we've got to decide.

This stuff is not
gonna stay fresh forever.

I know you must think
I'm the craziest girl on earth.

But-- I'm definitely moving
to Switzerland.

We could have least given it
to that woman cop.

I'm sorry. This gentleman said
it was urgent.

- Mr. Yorkin?
- You didn't do it yet?

No, no. Um, Janie
decided not to.

Oh. Oh, well.

Um, what I came to tell you
was that you don't need to.

Excuse me?

Well, I was thinking
about marriage and things,

and, um--

Well, anyway, I decided, in my discretion,
to let you marry Michael.

You-- Really?

You can have 10 people at the ceremony,
tops, because of security.

Oh, my God.
Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

You know, you, uh--
you really should thank them.

Oh.
Congratulations.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.

I don't even know
what to say.

Will you two
be my bridesmaids?

Oh!

What?

Oh-- [ Stammering ]
It's just that I made a bet--

[ Laughs ] that I would never ever,
ever be a bridesmaid again ever.

But sure.

You're a bit of a liar, Whipper. I've been
the honest one on this.

Oh, I'm a liar?

Maybe that's too strong.
Let's say truthfully challenged.

No, go ahead.
Smack me with a Fishism.

I'll hit you right between the eyes.
Three weeks into this relationship--

Remember what you said?

Part of what you liked in me
is that I wouldn't stick.

It was you who didn't want to be cluttered
down. Have you forgotten that?

The detail you're forgetting is that we
both fell in love after that, Richard.

If two people prioritize space and fun and
freedom, that's fine.

But when they fall in love
and still do that, it's pathetic.

I will tell you, you are right
about me being a liar.

You're right. I am gifted when it comes
to lying about myself or pretending.

And you know what?
I can still do that. That's fine.

If you want to keep withholding
and stay all back and protective, fine.

Go ahead and do that, Richard.
But I will not have you disrespect me.

I'm only gonna
say this once.

I love you more
than I have ever loved anybody--

ever.

The thing
with Janet Reno's neck...

was a cheap thrill,

and I'm sorry.

I never meant
to disrespect you.

A few weeks ago we stood
in this room, and I tried to...

gloss over my commitment phobia by saying,
"Just... let's get through Christmas."

- Remember?
- I remember.

Well, here I stand today.

And I'd like
to say this to you.

Let's just get through
Valentine's Day.

- Oh, Richard.
- Yeah.

If I didn't know you loved me,
I'd kill you.

Mmm!

Oh.

What?

You're wearing a... cup?

Uh, I couldn't be sure
you wouldn't knee me again.

You're wearing
a protective cup.

- Well, I--
- [ Laughing ]

Richard!

It's really not that funny.

I don't think it's that funny.

[ Man ] ...from this day forward, for
the rest of your natural life?

I do.

And do you, Michael,
take this Janie...

to have if not hold...

for the rest
of your natural life?

I do.

By the powers vested in me by the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

I now pronounce you Michael and you Janie,
husband and wife.

You may kiss.

And I suggest
you make it a good one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce
Mr. and Mrs. Michael Young.

[ Applause Smattering ]
[ Woman ] Yea!

Uh, another man says, "I do,"
and goes off to prison.

- Huh, John?
- Indeed.

Kidding.

Ha-ha.

We'll be in court, you know,
to demand the conjugal visit.

I never had a doubt.
[ Laughs ]

Thank you.

Thanks from me too.

Just be a good husband
and, uh, don't stray, Mike.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Secret?

Um, sure.

From now on,
I only think of Janie.

But before, when I went
back in there with that cup--

Uh, I--
I don't want to hear it.

No, no, no. I didn't imagine myself with
you... or with you.

I kind of imagined you two...
together...

with each other.

You see, when I was a teenager,
I used to kind of...

fiddle with my
sister's dolls--

Barbie... and Midge.

Hmm!

I guess I should be happy
that I'm not Skipper.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ Vonda ]
♪ When you're smiling ♪

♪ When you're smiling ♪

♪ The whole world smiles ♪

♪ With you ♪

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- ♪ Yes, when you're laughing ♪

♪ When you're laughing ♪

Had to call 'em all down here.
Had to be in public.

♪ Yes, the sun comes ♪

♪ Shining through ♪

♪ But when you're crying ♪

♪ You bring on the rain ♪

♪ So stop your sighing, baby ♪

♪ And be happy again ♪

♪ Yes, keep on smiling ♪

♪ Keep on smiling ♪

♪ And the whole world ♪

♪ Smiles with you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

[ Woman ]
You stinker!