All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S01E05.1997.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal.

Sorry.

Hey, no! Don't say you're
sorry when you're not sorry.

You didn't even look up
and see who you bumped into.

What if I was an old lady?
I could have fallen down and broken a hip!

Don't say you're sorry
when you're not sorry!

Who's your little friend?

Your Honor, Ally McBeal's
an associate at my firm.

Let me see your teeth.
Hygiene is important to this court.

Show me your teeth.

You remember Professor Dawson? He died.

You had an affair with Professor Dawson?

Excuse me. I'm looking for Ally McBeal.

- I see. And you would be?
- The dead professor's wife.

I-- I know he was close
with many of his students,

but the way he spoke about you.

Would you mind speaking at the funeral?

The, um, thing about funerals--

the guest of honor is always dead,

and you can't-- can't be at a funeral and
say something not nice.

Check stand number three
is now open for all purchases.

No waiting.

Excuse me. Is this the last one?

Actually, I think it is. We've been unable
to keep those on the shelves lately.

We're getting a new shipment tomorrow.

Hmm. This one looks like old stock.
Would it still be fresh?

- Oh, sure.
- Hmm.

Excuse me. I was taking those.

You put them back.

No, I put them down.
I'm still getting them.

Well, um, I-I don't mean to be difficult,
but if you were still getting them,

why didn't you put them in your cart
instead of back on the shelf?

Look, people pick items up, they
put them down, they pick 'em up again.

It's part of shopping-- deciding what to
buy, whether to buy.

I was still in the throes of deciding
whether I wanted those

when you just swooped in.

S-Swooped in?

I don't want to be a troublemaker, but
these other Pringles are the ridged ones,

and I have trouble with ridges.

Ma'am, after you put them down on the
shelf, you picked up Ruffles.

Ruffles have ridges.

Why would you enter into the throes of
considering Ruffles

if you have trouble with ridges?

- What are you, a lawyer?
- Sir, sir. Did you--

You saw her put these back, didn't you?

Oh! Isn't that rich?

- Playing the sex card.
- I-- I beg your pardon?

You think he's just gonna
automatically side with you...

'cause you look how you look,
and I look how I look.

- These are my Pringles.
- Did-- Did you see that?

I don't get involved in product disputes.

Fine. Fine.

Okay, you can have the Pringles, but let's
just be honest here.

You decided not to buy them, and when you
saw that I wanted them,

you decided that you wanted them back.

You pissy little thing,

pushing your cart in your little
Calvin Klein outfit.

You probably only chose those chips 'cause
I left them on the edge...

and you wouldn't have to
pop a pore to reach 'em.

Why are you being so mean?

Is it because you look how you look?

I won't even dignify that. I've got the
Pringles. Hmm, hmm!

Ow!

Oops. Oh.

I've been down this road

Walkin' the line that's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring Yeah, yeah

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh

Baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

Officer, it was totally vicious.

- D-Do you really have to handcuff me?
- Standard procedure, ma'am.

I didn't mean for her to fall.
I was only going for a stumble.

Yes, you've been consistent on that one.

Hey, hey, hey! Can you tell him how
horrible she was being?

- All right, Ally.
- Oh, thank God.

Renee Raddick, Deputy D.A. Do
we really need the cuff links?

We made an arrest.

What happened?

They evidently got into an argument.

She tripped the woman, which led to a head
laceration and possibly a concussion.

I was only going for a stumble.

I can't send you to the store
for one roll of paper towels?

- We gotta take her.
- You're gonna take me into custody?

That's what happens when you get arrested.

You think they cuffed you to make it
harder to paint your toes?

You know, Renee, you come up with sarcasm
at the most inappropriate times!

Ma'am.

Don't pull me! I'm an attorney.
I'll sue for police brutality.

Let's not forget about Rodney King.

Renee. Renee. He's pulling
me. He's pulling me!

There are video cameras in this store.

This is unbelievable.
I-I get all but accosted by this woman,

and I'm the one who has to be subjected to
this-- this-- this--

- Let's just get home, Ally.
- Where are my things?

I-- Do I at least get my belongings back?

I'm afraid we have another little problem.

Is she dead?

No. The woman's alert,
meeting with her lawyer.

What's the problem?

The store does have video surveillance,

and they replayed
the tapes at our request.

We're going to have to add
shoplifting to the charges.

What?

Your contraceptive jelly.
Tape shows you putting it in your pocket.

No. It was--

I only did that because I was embarrassed
to be seen with it.

I was gonna pay for it.

- Contraceptive jelly?
- Quiet.

I-I was only hiding it
until checkout time.

- You're not even having sex, Ally!
- Quiet!

You know, um, if you hadn't yanked me
away, I would have paid for it.

I'm gonna whisk you through arraignment
and hopefully dispose of it first thing.

- You're gonna be the D.A.?
- I'll try.

But you better get yourself
a lawyer because--

I'm gonna represent myself.

We want the judge
to kick this thing quickly.

Judges don't like it when lawyers
represent themselves.

I want you to take this phone and get
ahold of someone from your office. Now.

- Hello. Hello?
- Whipper.

- How-- How-- How are you?
- Oh, I'm fine.

Could-- Could I ask him to call you back?

Oh! That would be--
Yeah, fabulous. Bye! See ya.

Ugh.

Hello?

Georgia? Georgia, it's Ally.
Can you put Billy on?

Hey, Ally. Sure.

Oh. Hello.

Don't ask questions. Don't pass judgment.
Don't even pass go.

Just listen and accept the fact that
I need help and give it to me.

I tripped this woman unconscious, I stole
sex jelly, and I need you to be my lawyer.

Okay. I'll meet you at the courthouse.

And I-- She wanted those Pringles.
It wasn't my fault.

- What is it this time?
- I didn't want the Pringles--

She knocked somebody unconscious
and stole some diaphragm jelly.

Great, Jeanie. Thanks.

Happy Boyle is sitting first session.

That's the one Billy knows, right?

He likes hookers and clean teeth.

Well, you're lucky.
You might actually dodge a bullet.

- Now, can we talk about this?
- No!

- I need to know the facts.
- Forget it!

- If I don't know the story--
- Renee knows the story. Just follow her.

- Did you bring the records?
- Even the X-rays. It's all in here.

Commonwealth versus Ally McBeal, 32122.

Assault, battery, misdemeanor larceny.

Billy Thomas for the defendant.

Renee Raddick for the Commonwealth. We can
dust this one right at the bench.

We'd be willing to plead sufficient facts,
no finding of guilt.

If she's clean for a year, it gets wiped.

She mauled the woman over a bag of chips?

She tripped her. It appears to be minor.

Uh-huh. And what about stealing
spermicide?

That appears to be a mistake.

She placed the jelly in her pocket because
she was embarrassed being seen with it.

Then after the altercation with the woman,
she forgot about it.

- Aren't you the district attorney?
- Yes, Your Honor.

But I don't see the point of wasting tax
dollars on something like this.

Step up here, young woman.

Let me see your teeth.

You've been in front of me before.

As a lawyer, Your Honor.
She was with me as an attorney.

A lawyer?

You think it's appropriate for an attorney
to kick people unconscious...

and then steal spermicide?

No! I-- I--

Your Honor, it was more
of a misunderstanding.

Moreover, I would like to admit Ms.
McBeal's dental records,

together with her X-rays,

which I think will more than vouch for her
good hygiene as well as character.

This would actually be funny
if justice wasn't truly this arbitrary.

Very well. Continued with no findings
for one year.

You behave yourself, you little vixen.

Yes, sir.

Next case.

I have truly wonderful news.

Might you keep it to yourself?

- I sold the face bra.
- You sold it?

A small venture company.
We're gonna do an infomercial.

Uh, the deal isn't done.
I need you to close it.

We'll call it "The Mask,"
for women on the run!

What's this I'm hearing
about you kicking a woman senseless?

I tripped her.
She got a little cut on her head.

- And-- And who told you?
- The Board of Bar Overseers.

- Excuse me?
- Judge Boyle made a report.

- They just suspended your license.
- What?

- Who will do my patent?
- They scheduled a hearing for tomorrow.

They suspended my license?

Ally, you can't just attack
somebody over a snack treat.

That's not a Fishism.
That's just a rule of common sense.

They also said you swiped some gyno cream.
Any truth to that?

I sold my face bra.

Well-- Uh-- I'm nothing if not surrounded.

Look what they've done to my song, Ma

Look what they've done to my song

Can they really suspend her?

They can, but I bet they just
want to look her over, give her a warning.

Not that she'd take it. To me, a Pringle
shouldn't be a button pusher.

Isn't it rude to talk about somebody like
they're not in the room?

You might be in the same room,
Ally, but different planet.

I'm kidding. Bygones. Whatever.

I got the names of who
will be sitting tomorrow.

Henrietta Fullem,
Johnson Hawk and Marshal Pink.

Let me see that.

You? How can you smoke
those disgusting things?

They lend intrigue to my character.

These guys fall to
the serious side, Billy.

- Can you represent her?
- Sure.

- I'll go too, back you up.
- I don't know what's going on here.

Lawyers have committed dangerous crimes,
and they're not brought before the board.

And this was an altercation. I mean, this
seems like a practical joke.

With this panel? No joke.

And Pink-- conservative, no sense of
humor, Christian.

- A gyno joke could be trouble.
- Oh, great.

It's the only thing
that I can do half right

And it's turning out all wrong, Ma

Look what they've done to my song

What that tape does not reflect
is the provocation by Mrs. Clarkson.

Plus, I'd remind the panel there has been
no criminal finding against Ms. McBeal.

This isn't about criminal
wrongdoing. It's about mental fitness.

- What?
- Your-- Your Honor.

There is no basis for this board
to question her mental fitness.

- Oh, but there is, counsel.
- I'd certainly like to hear it!

First off, we have the assault
in the supermarket.

Second, Professor James Dawson
was a friend of mine.

I had the curious experience of
attending his funeral last week,

listening to Ms. McBeal's eulogy,
which was bizarre, to say the least.

Do you see the man seated
back there, Ms. McBeal?

- Sorry.
- Hey!

Did you accost that man on the street

because he didn't seem apologetic
enough...

after accidentally bumping into you?

There is a context to that.

Did you submit your
dental records in court...

as mitigating circumstances
for last night's attack?

Which attack was motivated
by your inability to secure...

the potato chip of your choice.

Ms. McBeal, we're not about to deny your
due process, but I'm going to be frank.

We're in a time
where the bar and lawyers...

are increasingly subjected
to public scorn.

You trip people in supermarkets.

You steal spermicidal jelly.

You punch people on the street.

I personally saw you acting
very erratically on a pulpit.

Oh, well, there is
an explanation for all of it.

- Every last bit.
- You'll get your chance to present it.

We've scheduled an evidentiary
hearing for tomorrow, 10:00.

Between now and that time,

you'd serve yourself well
not to attack anybody.

This is beyond ridiculous.

They can't threaten to take away my
license over--

over a pedestrian in the street.

- They subpoenaed me.
- What?

Who?

The board. They want me to
appear to talk about Ally.

- You?
- Why?

I don't know. Well, don't look so worried.
I'm on your side.

Th-That's what worries me.
Why do they want her?

Elaine, have you said anything
to anybody about Ally?

I don't know. I say so many things
to so many people.

I'm sure she's popped into conversation.

- What did you say?
- Bygones!

Not everything's a bygone.
What did you say?

Snappish.

The pedestrian followed you after
you belted him,

found out your name, then reported you.

- Then Judge Boyle decided--
- Oh, Billings.

What?

I-- That Judge Pink guy--
I've seen him before.

He's a friend of Jack Billings.

- This is payback!
- Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

They go after one of us, we all go after
them. Where's the Biscuit?

He's still in Syracuse.

Well, you got the two of us
right behind you.

And me.

Go ahead and cry now

Just give in to the madness

The only way to feel your joy

Is first to feel your sadness

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

You become a lawyer.
You get interesting cases.

You meet interesting men at the symphony.

You're supposed to be able to send your
whole life to the dry cleaners,

and it's supposed to come back all
pretty and neat on a hanger and then--

I agree. I agree.
But can we talk about this?

No!

Ally, last week you danced with Billy.

Does this have his name on it?

Oh, yeah. That's just what
I'm about to do.

I'm about to have an affair
with another married man.

Are you-- It-- It was just--
It was on sale.

I don't mean this in an insulting way,

but you're not a sexually
spontaneous person.

You won't even go to bed with a man unless
you storyboard it first.

This means something. This has an
intended. Who is it?

Even if you were right,
I don't have to tell you.

I agree. You don't. No.

But if you were gonna tell me, who is it?

- Omar Sharif.
- Omar what?

Sharif. Omar Sharif. You don't know who
Omar Sharif is?

No.

He's the guy in Funny Girl who
shows up at the stage door.

He's the-- He's the guy who just walks in
from another world.

The guy who-- The guy who's-- who's--
who's looking for my door.

Ah.

If they ask you about this
at your hearing tomorrow,

I wouldn't give that answer.

Okay.

It was definitely with malice.

What you can't tell from the video is that
she locked her ankle.

There was no give to it.

Ma'am, I think the video
does speak for what happened.

Our interest lies in her mental state
leading to the event.

Did she seem erratic to you?

Well, anyone who would commit
mayhem for a potato chip.

What we are trying to get at is her
demeanor, her emotional state.

You don't have to argue the merits of what
happened. Did she sound unstable at all?

Your Honor, why ask this woman answers

when you seem so willing
to provide them yourself?

Counsel.

This is an equivalent
of a traffic dispute,

and you're leading the witness
to give testimony--

The rules of evidence don't apply here.

How about the rules of fairness? Do they?

Why don't you sit down and humor us?
Could you do that?

Your Honors, I'd like to apologize
for Mr. Thomas's hostility.

As much as I constantly
stress the need for civility,

he continues to have these
reactions to witch hunts,

particularly when they're so blatant.

- That wasn't constructive.
- Neither were you, technically.

- I didn't outright insult the board.
- Well, I was angry.

It's not like you to be human, Richard,
much less show it.

- It is a witch hunt, isn't it?
- It has to be.

The Board of Bar Overseers don't just haul
people in because--

Billy. Billy, do you-- Is she--
This is a small town.

Word around the courthouse is she's shaky.

Why? She hasn't really done anything to--

Cheanie left us,
took his business elsewhere.

Really? Well, that's
just a personal thing--

No, I asked him that. He said part was
personal, but part was--

He really has concerns trusting.

She strikes him as really being
a little unstable.

She's fine.

She's still in love with you, isn't she?

She's not in love with me.

Maybe it's too much for her
to work here with you.

- She's fine.
- Okay.

Just for the sake of making conversation,

you've seemed a little tense
ever since she's been here too.

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Seriously.

From deep inside the tears

I'm forced to cry

From deep inside the pain

I chose to hide

Just walk away, Renee

- Ally, it's time to leave this law firm.
- Why?

Enough is enough.
You're in love with Billy.

- I am not in love with Billy!
- Ally, I see it.

Damn it! You're up, you're down,
happy one minute, sad the next.

And-And what did you see
before I went to that firm?

One day just like the next, like the next,
like the next, like the next.

It's not dull here, Renee. I-- I certainly
know that I'm alive.

- I'm gonna say this just once.
- Oh! T--

Just walk away, Renee You won't see me
follow you back home

She's talking to you.

If you're gonna stay there, you have to
protect yourself better.

Like how?

When I broke up with Willy
Boot-- Remember second year?

Oh, do I.

Well, any time I bumped
into him or saw him,

I'd imagine his new girlfriend
strewn all over him,

and it would keep me
from getting sucked back in.

I am not getting sucked back in.
I-- I'm fine.

- Nobody's sucking me anywhere.
- If you say so.

- I say so.
- Fine.

Fine.

Just walk away, Renee

You won't see me follow you back home

Ms. Vassal, you work directly
for Ms. McBeal, correct?

Well, I like to think I work with her.

Autonomy is a very important ingredient
for personal esteem,

and I've always been conscious
to nurture mine.

I'm in constant preparation
to be a mother.

- You like Ms. McBeal?
- Very much.

You have no agenda against her?

Very much not.

Okay. The reason we subpoenaed you--

Do you recall making statements
about Ms. McBeal?

No, I do not.

You've never talked about her?

Well, of course I talk
about her all the time.

I also have allergies, but I'd be at a
loss to recall a specific sneeze.

Specifically, do you recall ever saying,
in your opinion,

you thought Ms. McBeal was on the verge of
a nervous breakdown?

Did you say that to anybody, Ms. Vassal?

There was a time when I
thought she was struggling--

You did say it?

I said that in defense of her to explain
why she was acting so crazy.

Did you ever tell anybody...

she was two-thirds of a Rice Krispie?

"She's already snapped and crackled,

and she's close to the final pop."

Did you make that representation?

Sometimes I just say things to make people
think I'm a wordsmith.

Do you believe her to be on the verge
of a nervous breakdown?

Absolutely not.

Do you believe Ms. McBeal
to be a mentally fit person?

I most certainly do.

Since she is your boss, is it possible you
feel a little duress to say that today?

Let me tell you something.

Not only do I like her,
but I trust her as a lawyer.

I vested her with getting the patent
on my face bra.

Your what?

My revolutionary invention to reduce
aging. The face bra.

Wrinkles can just be a function of
gravity. It's a miracle mask.

- Would you like me to demonstrate?
- No.

- Yes.
- No. I'd like to stick to Ms. McBeal.

Oh. Take a number.

Ms. Vassal, why would you say she was
about to have a breakdown

if you didn't mean it?

Because I enjoy being
the center of conversation,

and sometimes to stay centered
you have to embellish.

And let me say something else.

She was only erratic at that funeral

because she had had an extramarital
affair...

with the dead professor
that she was eulogizing.

And as for that emotional instability that
everybody's talking about,

that's only because she was suddenly
thrust into a working relationship...

with a man that she still loves,

which isn't that absurd, given that they
were sweethearts since childhood...

where they'd sniff each other's buttocks
in the park.

There is nothing wrong with her.

I am so sorry.

Those things I said-- I really said them
to explain, to help you.

I should have known I was dead as soon as
you sided with me.

Ally, I know on occasion that my motives
can be misconstrued,

but you have to believe me.

I would never mean to undermine you. You
are my favorite boss ever.

With the troubles
that you get yourself into,

I truly look forward
to coming in here every day.

It was Ronald Cheanie.

The person that you told all those things
to in my defense? It was Cheanie!

I really don't want to say. It's only
gonna cause us more friction.

You don't have to worry, because I am done
with the guy.

I-I just can't believe that he would
actually go to the bar.

- It wasn't Ronald Cheanie that I told.
- Then who?

- Judge Cone.
- Whipper?

I wanted her to understand how you could
be such a buttinsky

between her and Richard,

and I wanted her to understand that you
weren't acting with any malice!

Whipper? The-- The Whipper.

- I had no choice.
- No choice?

As a member of the bar,

if I have information that any member
may be mentally unstable--

Oh, please!

It's my obligation. Check that.
My legal duty to report it.

Any lawyer has that duty.
As a judge I feel very--

Oh, now you start acting like a judge?

Oh.

I didn't tell the bar that I
believed what Elaine said.

I only reported that it was told to me.

Well, you wouldn't have reported it if you
didn't think that she might be right.

Well, not many young associates will
charge into a judge's office...

and question her right to wear the robe.

I did that because you cheated on Richard.

Ally, I'm on the Board of Overseers. I
know about you punching the pedestrian.

There are rumors flying around
that you are a little erratic.

What?

My bet is Jack Billings started those
rumors after you sued them.

Add to the talk that you committed two
physical assaults, shoplifted...

and have a secretary that said you were on
the verge of having a nervous breakdown,

I had to recommend that they
at least check you out.

- Do you think I'm nuts?
- No.

But I'm not sure you have two feet
on the ground either.

Y-You mean some people do?

I cannot escape

The constant equipoise

In between the mischief

And control

Sometimes I'm tempted
to become a street person...

cut off from society.

But then I wouldn't get
to wear my outfits.

In between the mischief

And control

What were you thinking
when you stuck your foot out?

Only that if she was to walk away with the
Pringles, it shouldn't be proudly.

I-I never meant for her to
fall, especially into canned... goods.

Have you ever undergone any impulse
control therapy, Ms. McBeal?

No.

I have never undergone
impulse control therapy.

Since I had the fortuitous luck of
being at last week's funeral...

where you so oddly
eulogized the deceased--

Your Honor, I think Ms. Vassal already
filled in some of the blanks there.

This was a professor I had an adulterous
affair with, something I am not proud of.

I was asked to eulogize him by his wife.

The-- The circumstances
were a little extreme,

and if I was lacking in poise,
I apologize.

I'm picking up a little contempt
in your tone.

Then it would be smart for me to apologize
for that too, wouldn't it?

Ms. McBeal, if you have anger,
feel free to express it.

But you would judge me for it, Your Honor.

It'd be wiser for me
to sit here politely...

and privately pray that you should happen
by me doing groceries.

Now-Now-Now, imagine a young
lawyer, her future lying in your hands,

who-- who would say such a thing!

She would either have to
be enormously crazy,

or you would have to be enough of an ass
to deserve the remark,

no matter what the risk.

And-And since you're the judge,
I'm gonna let you decide,

but not until I finish,
and I haven't finished!

That woman abused me in that supermarket!

Now, yes, I overreacted,
but there was a context.

And as for all the other
evidence against me--

that-that-- that stuff
about me being emotional?

Falling in love with men
whose bottoms I've smelled?

Submitting X-rays to a judge who has a
tooth fetish and sleeps with hookers?

Snapping at pedestrians who think
that a square shoulder

can be mitigated by "I'm sorry"?

I am human! I am temperamental!
I am guilty!

Now... I'm finished.

You certainly are. How the hell
could you do that?

Do you have some professional death wish?

I wasn't about to just sit there
and kowtow, Billy.

There is a middle ground between kowtowing
and launching grenades, Ally.

- How could you do that?
- 'Cause I'm crazy!

Isn't that what everybody
keeps saying? I'm a lunatic!

Tomorrow I would just
stand up and plead P.M.S.

- That always gets--
- Out!

Snappish, stereo.

Ally, I gotta admit,

you do seem a little... off balance.

Who wants to be balanced, Billy?
Balance is way overrated.

Well, what if I don't want to be balanced?
Did you ever think about that?

Then you should be happy,
and you don't seem happy.

Happiness is overrated too.

- You and Cheanie-- Is there, uh--
- No!

Not that it's any of my business, but what
were you doing buying contraceptive--

- Forget it. It's none of my business.
- It most certainly is.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little
worried about you.

Did you ever buy a lottery ticket?

- What?
- A lottery ticket. Did you ever buy one?

A couple of times maybe. Why?

Well, I-I-I buy them sometimes.

I mean, not that I think that I would ever
win, but I-- I just, um--

I like to hold it in my hand
and-and think,

"What if?"

That's why I bought
that contraceptive jelly.

I thought-- I thought, "What if?"

What if I'm walking down the street...

and I suddenly march right into somebody,

and we just know immediately off of one
look that we were meant for each other,

and-- and it's like Barbra Streisand
and Omar Sharif,

but instead of singing about it, we-- we
go off and make passionate love?

Girls have dreams like that sometimes.

Yes. But I doubt many actually go out
and buy the spermicide.

It was my lottery ticket.

It's come to that. My-- My lottery ticket
is a tube of jelly.

You remember that time in the dark,

when you reached for it by mistake
and grabbed the Crest?

And-- And you liked it.
You said I was, um--

Minty.

How did I get to be such a mess
so soon in my life?

You've always been ahead of your time.

Every now and then

You are in love with me

Look, tomorrow, you're gonna have to make
a summary statement.

I'd start by apologizing
for today's behavior.

Stay contained, respectful.

I still think you're gonna be okay.

- All right.
- Good night.

Try to get a good night's sleep.

I will.

Good night.

Every now and then

- You'd be in love with me
- I'll be okay.

Surprise, surprise

It's me again

It's every now and then

- Oh!
- Yeah

The way she was looking at
me. I'll straighten her out.

Wrong chambers again, Happy.

Oh, damn.

I don't know why I keep walking in
a door too soon.

One of these days I'm apt to
come in and catch you naked.

Yeah, and you'd just ask to see my teeth.

Good catching up with you, Happy.

I have penile atrophy, you know.

Oh, that's nice. Good to see you.

All right. See you.

- Wait. Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.

Ally McBeal-- You reported her to the bar?

The potato chip girl? Pushy.

- Do you really think she's unstable?
- Well, I don't know.

But she-- she seems to get violent.

Word around the building-- you hear it--
is she's too emotional. Sues people.

She's a pretty little thing. Maybe that's
why she thinks she can get away with it.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Excellent. Thanks, Holt.

Uh, good news. My mole says they're
still on the fence.

If you go in and act civilized,
humble, remorseful,

you'll probably just get a light censure.

Can you do that? I think
you can. Can you do that?

Yes.

I thought of something else I could say
that might be helpful.

Sometimes she just looks snappish.

Are we ready? Ready.

Let's go!

All right, Ms. McBeal. If there's anything
you'd like to add

to yesterday's testimony,

or if you'd like to make any final
remarks, you may do so now.

Well,

I would like to conclude by saying...

that I am sorry...

about-- about the incident
at the supermarket.

And I realize that
I have been under stress...

with my new job and... all.

But I-I would ask you to trust me...

a-and the members of my firm...

to ensure that no matter what
my personal struggles may be,

that the competent representation of our
clients will never be compromised.

Would you be willing to undergo
a psychiatric evaluation?

Would you?

A friend of mine refused
to take a urine test once...

because they wouldn't give him
time to study for it.

- The point is, evaluations--
- Richard, sit down!

- Now!
- Damn.

I-- I came here prepared to say all the
right things, and I--

I think that you have.
Just what is she guilty of?

You certainly don't drag in every attorney
who commits a crime.

No. But every attorney who appears to be
emotionally unstable or mentally unfit--

Oh. A man acts passionate,
we call him impassioned.

A woman? She's emotional.

I'm confused.

Not only was it another woman asking us to
investigate her, it was you.

- And I was wrong.
- Yes, well, ding, ding, dong.

The bell doesn't unring quite so loudly.

Just 20 minutes ago I had a half-naked
Happy Boyle telling me...

she's pushy, a pretty little thing,
she'll learn.

Why don't we just admit it?

She stands most guilty of being female,
young and attractive,

and how dare she be aggressive
on top of that?

Forgive me, Whipper. You're an able judge.

But as character references go,
you don't turn tides.

- You're a bit of a kook yourself.
- Hey!

I am on this board.

But you're not sitting today,
nor should you be.

Do you really mean to be selling yourself
as objective?

Twenty minutes from now, you'll be
fondling Mr. Fish on his favorite futon.

You don't think we know the scoop on you?

Now, go tease your hair and let us conduct
our business.

All right. That's enough from everybody.

Judge Cone, thank you. We will consider
your changed position.

I want you to consider that even the
smallest suspension...

will affect this woman's entire career.

Thank you. We get that.

Now, Ms. McBeal,

is there anybody else
to champion your interests,

or might you quit
while only slightly behind?

I'd like to be heard.

Splendid.

First, in the spirit of no surprises,

it was my bottom she smelled 20 years ago.

We were high school sweethearts.
We're still close.

That might make me less objective,

but it also means I know her better than
anyone else in the world-- room.

And I don't care
what kind of club this is.

We're all a lot better off with her in it.

When I was studying for the bar,

I had this professor--
great, great professor.

Did she sleep with him?

This professor said there'd be those
who will see the law in black and white.

They'd do fine.

There would be those who won't be able to
tell the black from white.

They'd flunk.

And then there'd be those who not
only tell the black from the white,

they'd be able to see all the grays,
and they'd be doomed forever.

In life, Ally's faced
with some of that doom.

She's forever seeing grays.

She's constantly trying to make sense of
an arena that is messy and ar--

Is there anybody in this room who knows
what he's talking about?

What I am talking about is, she knows.

She knows.

Whatever the virtues of balance,

it's just a pleasant form of insanity.

Yes, well, that clears it up.
Anything else?

This is a woman
who isn't afraid to be emotional.

She isn't scared of being weak.

She's tougher than anybody in this room.

She knows that part of
being alive, really alive,

is being willing to get in the same room
with your pain, and-- and--

And whatever virus you think she's got,

we should all be so lucky
to be infected a little.

- I think you all have been.
- Hey!

- Bygones.
- Sit!

Damn.

All I'll say is--

is...

I know her.

I know this woman.

There's only one of her. Trust me.

And if you use your gavel...

to even slightly squash what makes her--

You don't know her.

How long before they decide?

They said it would be quick,
which I'm not sure is good.

I've never seen your closing arguments
in court, Billy,

but you're usually better
than that, right?

I did the best I could, Richard.

Thanks for being here, Renee.

Even if they do suspend you,
Ally, how severe could it be?

Like Whipper said, any suspension--

They're coming back.
They've called you in.

Bye.

Without passing judgment
on your emotional state, Ms. McBeal,

there are two things
we can safely conclude.

One, you have a devoted following.

Two, if we were to rule against you,
you'd no doubt appeal,

and we'd be faced with
seeing you and hearing you...

and all of these people again.

As deterrents go, I can think of none
more effective.

By unanimous vote, three to zero,

we choose not to suspend you.

God help us all.

He lives in my neighborhood

When he walks by he looks so good

What?

I think my testimony swayed them.

I agree, but we won anyway.

That was real teamwork in there.
We even rode the Whip.

I'm still sorry that I helped cause the
whole thing. Will you forgive me?

Bygones.

I, I can't stop it

- I feel like snacking on a twin.
- Ooh. Hey, me too.

Whip, Elaine, double-team me.

- You got it.
- Absolutely.

Oh, my goodness.

Renee, I'm gonna, um, meet you at home.
I'm-- I'm zonked.

- What?
- We have to celebrate.

Ugh.

And you have that whole tube to use up.

- Shut up!
- Okay.

- Congratulations.
- Hmm. Thanks.

And, um, thank you.

I don't know that what I said helped.

It didn't. Trust me.

And I can't help it

I want to love him so bad

- Well.
- Well.

I guess I better make sure those twins
don't get my wife.

Yeah.

- I'll be back.
- Oh, yeah.

I want to love him so bad

You know it's driving me mad

'Cause when I look in his eyes

I can see a paradise

So I can't help it

I want to love him so bad

So bad

I know his name His name is Jim

- Hey, Dad.
- Honey, hi! How've you been?

- I'm great. How are you?
- Okay.

- How's Mom?
- She's fine. She's gone up to bed.

Yeah, yeah. I guess it is kind of late.

But I was just leaving my office, and I
thought I'd call and say hey.

- Are you sure? Is anything wrong?
- No, everything's fine.

- Kind of a tough week, but--
- That seems to be pretty normal.

Yeah.

Normal.

Anyway, I just-- That was all.

- I just called to say hey.
- We need to get together.

Yeah, we do.

- Maybe I can make it over next week.
- That sounds great.

- We'd love to see you.
- Yeah.

Anyway, I'll let you get back to bed.

- All right, hon. Take care.
- Okay.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Dad?

Go ahead and cry now

Just give in to the madness

The only way to feel your joy

Is first to feel your sadness

I know I've got it great, really.

Good job. Good friends. Loving family.

Total freedom and long bubble baths.

What else could there be?

All of the happiness you seek

All of the joy for which you pray

Is closer than you think

It's just a hundred tears away

Hmm, yeah

You stinker!