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1
00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:08,907
OK, vanilla cone with
the rainbow sprinkles...
2
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,744
That's $2.43.
3
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,813
There you go. Thanks.
4
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,481
Out of 20?
5
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:17,827
Do you have anything smaller?
6
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,218
No, that's, uh,
yeah, that's all I got.
7
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,455
Hmm. I don't have
change for this.
8
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,924
Well, it's all I got.
9
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:30,796
What do you wanna do?
10
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:35,759
Well, uh, I told you I
don't have change for a 20.
11
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:48,080
♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪
12
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:50,782
♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪
13
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,696
♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪
14
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,487
♪ On the Queensboro
Bridge tonight ♪
15
00:00:55,555 --> 00:01:01,159
♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪
16
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:04,162
♪ Is cash my check and
drive right home to you ♪
17
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,034
♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life ♪
18
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:12,971
♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪
19
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:18,076
Man on TV: Fudge.
20
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:19,255
Woman on TV:
What's wrong, honey?
21
00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:20,957
Man: There's a very
rare archipelago butterfly,
22
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:21,992
and I forgot to bring my camera.
23
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:23,593
Woman: No, you didn't, sweetie.
24
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:24,550
Man: What the hell...
25
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,151
Good God.
26
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:27,653
What?
27
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,088
Are you gonna move
at all this weekend?
28
00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:32,791
Are you planning any activity?
29
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,171
Hey, I've been plenty active...
30
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:37,796
in here.
31
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:39,097
Please.
32
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:40,565
I'm serious.
33
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:43,568
I just learned that if I'm ever
bein' chased by a grizzly bear,
34
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,037
I should run down a hill.
35
00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:48,453
'Cause bears, they
can't run downhill.
36
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,620
Their back legs get all
bunched up with their front legs,
37
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,678
and they... they just wipe out.
38
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,258
Gotta be honest with you, hon,
39
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:58,183
not sure you can run downhill.
40
00:01:58,252 --> 00:01:59,729
All right. Just for that,
I'm not gonna show you
41
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,320
the safe way to milk a goat!
42
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,672
TV Announcer: For the next hour,
43
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,107
we'll take an in-depth look
44
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:12,498
at the gentle giant of the sea,
45
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,733
the North American manatee.
46
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,402
Next, on Wildlife Channel.
47
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:36,666
What up, dawg? Hey.
48
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:37,622
Hey, Deac.
49
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:38,691
Carrie!
50
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:41,925
Hi, Kirby. Look
how cute you look.
51
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,428
What brings you by?
52
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,263
You invited us for dinner.
53
00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:48,400
Really? I already ate,
but I can get it goin' again.
54
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,514
So, uh, hey, how was practice?
55
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:52,637
Ah, it's brutal.
56
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:53,916
The only reason I'm
coaching this freakin' team
57
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:55,908
is to get Kirby to play,
and he still hates it.
58
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:59,289
No, no, no, no, no. See,
he can't hate football, OK?
59
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,524
He can hate brussels sprouts,
60
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:01,691
he can hate white people,
61
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,126
but he can't hate football.
62
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,283
You know, I'll
tell you what it is.
63
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,417
Since the divorce,
64
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,320
he spends all his
time around women.
65
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,788
I mean, Kelly, her
mom, her sister...
66
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:13,825
They got this boy
watchin' Lifetime, man.
67
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,095
That is rough.
68
00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:18,930
Yeah, and Kelly's
got him in the choir,
69
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:20,798
school play, and next summer,
70
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,268
she wants him to
go to theater camp.
71
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:25,070
Theater camp!
72
00:03:25,139 --> 00:03:27,372
If he's gay on his own, I
have no problem with that.
73
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:28,740
But Kelly, she's spiteful.
74
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:30,842
I think she's pushin' him there.
75
00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:33,745
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo!
76
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,949
OK, I guess the catch is over.
77
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,918
Hey, maybe you
could help me out here.
78
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,063
How?
79
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:42,253
Help me coach the team.
80
00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:43,532
I mean, you played
some serious ball.
81
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,724
Maybe you can get Kirby
fired up about the game.
82
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,592
Practices are
Saturday afternoon.
83
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:48,661
What do you say?
84
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:51,963
Oh, I don't know, Deac.
85
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,966
It sounds pretty
good. It's just that, uh...
86
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,806
I got a lot of stuff
goin' on around here.
87
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:06,010
Daddy, I'm gonna
help Carrie cook dinner.
88
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,181
Is it all right if I take
off my football costume?
89
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,352
Go ahead.
90
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,956
My son just called
his uniform a costume.
91
00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:19,458
Please... help me!
92
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,527
OK, kids, we've got
93
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:25,130
a really exciting addition
to our coaching staff.
94
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,065
Back at St.
Gregory's High School
95
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,900
where he was the
star running back,
96
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:31,736
his nicknames
included "The H Train,"
97
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:34,672
"Pound Cake," and "Hefferlegs."
98
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:37,342
He even tried out for the
Nassau Rebels semipro team.
99
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,544
Please welcome Coach Heffernan.
100
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,062
Thank you very
much, Coach Palmer.
101
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,186
All right. Now, I'm gonna
go get the game jerseys.
102
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,732
Coach Heffernan is
gonna get you goin',
103
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,156
and I'll be back
in a little bit.
104
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,693
All righty. Well, first off,
105
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:57,407
I already know
that Kirby's a stud,
106
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,774
and lookin' at the rest of you,
107
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,633
you look like some pretty
tough-nosed S.O.B.'s.
108
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,481
All right. So now it's time
109
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,904
to put the pee back in peewee.
110
00:05:08,042 --> 00:05:08,973
That's how I'm gonna
do things around here.
111
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,720
I'm gonna keep it loose and fun.
112
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,043
You're fat.
113
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,790
OK, that's... You know what?
114
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,224
That's a common misconception.
115
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,760
What I like to call
this area right here
116
00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:18,395
is a low center of gravity,
117
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,096
which is gonna
help you in this sport.
118
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,087
Did you really
ever play football?
119
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,133
Uh, yes. As Coach
Palmer just mentioned,
120
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,601
I was very good. I
played in high school.
121
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,391
He said you played
for the Rebels.
122
00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:29,405
Uh, no. He said I
tried out for the Rebels.
123
00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:30,728
So you didn't make the team?
124
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:31,797
I made the team,
125
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,409
but there were a lot
of politics goin' on.
126
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:34,978
You know, the coach
had his favorites,
127
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,446
and there was a
whole locker thing.
128
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,047
Let's discuss our
offense, though.
129
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:40,071
So you quit? I didn't quit, OK?
130
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,650
I had a lot of
pressure at the time.
131
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:42,918
I was getting married,
and, you know...
132
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:44,075
You're fat.
133
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,289
OK, that's it. Take
a lap, OK, Rusty?
134
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:50,615
OK, now, ladies, you
ready to talk about football?
135
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,829
'Cause this Saturday,
you're gonna be lining up
136
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,820
against the Elmont
Chipmunks, and they hate you.
137
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,821
All right, but we're gonna have
138
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,467
a couple tricks up our sleeve.
139
00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:00,892
Now, I know they like to
shoot their linebackers wide,
140
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,539
so once we get
'em thinkin' wide,
141
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,574
that's when we run
our fullback up the gut.
142
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:07,331
OK, or we run the
option. Who's with me?
143
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,037
OK, you know what?
144
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,917
Maybe it's better if I show you.
145
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:18,443
Blue! 295! Blue! 295!
146
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:19,978
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
147
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,518
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
148
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:28,886
What's up?
149
00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,722
What's up?
150
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,162
Whoo!
151
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,798
Yeah!
152
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,577
What's up? Whoo-hoo, yeah!
153
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:18,035
All right! All right! Yeah!
154
00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:45,463
Doug: Whoo! Whoo!
155
00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:49,601
Yeah! All right! Whoo!
156
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:50,868
What the hell are you doing?
157
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:52,481
What the hell am I doin'?
What am I not doin'?
158
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:53,883
I'm gaining 17 yards a carry.
159
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:55,918
I'm threadin' the needle.
You should have seen me!
160
00:07:55,942 --> 00:07:59,010
Kirby is sittin' in the minivan
listenin' to Dan Fogelberg.
161
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,123
I literally jumped over
this little dude's head.
162
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,826
I just, like, choked him!
Sorry. I'll take care of it.
163
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,128
Hey, guys, gimme a
little of this, all right?
164
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,718
Gimme some of that!
165
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:22,067
Oh, wow. Sweet minivan, huh?
166
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,746
Whoo! Whatcha got here?
167
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,915
What is this, A... little moose?
168
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,339
Oh, he's chargin'!
169
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,528
All right. We can lose that.
170
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,222
Here's the thing, Kirby.
171
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,346
You can't just stop playing
172
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,726
in the middle of practice.
173
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,285
Mommy said if I wanted to
quit the team, I could quit.
174
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:44,355
Look, when things
get tough in life,
175
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,257
you just can't quit.
176
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,566
You gotta strive to
make yourself better.
177
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,896
Like Tom Cruise... He's
got everything, right? Wrong.
178
00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:53,041
He didn't like his teeth.
179
00:08:53,065 --> 00:08:54,632
So he got braces.
180
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,935
The point is, he didn't
give up on his choppers.
181
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,884
And you shouldn't
give up on football.
182
00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:03,407
But you quit your team.
183
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,121
The Rebels? No, no, no, no.
184
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,689
I had to stop. I had
an upcoming wedding
185
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,524
and a coach whose
nephew could do no wrong.
186
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,882
If you stopped
playing, I can stop, too.
187
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,361
Look, believe me,
I didn't wanna stop.
188
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,818
So try out again.
189
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,031
Well, there's...
190
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,422
If you play, I'll play.
191
00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,423
That sounds fair.
192
00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:20,612
Yeah.
193
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,543
Hey, babe. How was practice?
194
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,668
It was good. It was fun.
195
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,103
Interesting. What are
ya... What are ya makin'?
196
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,806
Well, it was gonna be
chicken and Rice-A-Roni,
197
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:36,034
but I burnt the rice,
198
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,410
so we're lookin'
at Chicken-A-Roni.
199
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:43,114
Hey, you know what
I, uh, realized today?
200
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:44,415
How much I miss football.
201
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:48,385
You know, how much I
miss having it a part of my life.
202
00:09:48,454 --> 00:09:50,299
You mean the 10 hours
you watch every Sunday
203
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,123
ain't gettin' it done?
204
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,095
Y-You'd think it
would, but no. No.
205
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,097
No, I'm talkin' about,
like, the contact.
206
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,965
The smell of the grass.
207
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,568
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
208
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,347
I'm gonna go get
us some Taco Bell.
209
00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:07,305
Uh, you know what?
Don't worry about me.
210
00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:08,973
I'm gonna just
eat somethin' light.
211
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,374
Apple, maybe.
212
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,315
What? You mean, like, apple pie?
213
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:20,985
No, an apple. I think I just need
to start gettin' in better shape.
214
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:23,566
I thought you wanted to
see how big you can get
215
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:25,556
and still wear jeans.
216
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,504
No, no. I was just thinkin'
about what you said,
217
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,938
you know, the other day
when I was lyin' on the couch...
218
00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:31,162
that I should be more active,
219
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:35,166
and that's why I
picked up one of these.
220
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:38,837
"The Nassau Rebels
tryout waiver"?
221
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:39,838
Yeah, you remember the Rebels.
222
00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:41,372
No.
223
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,718
Sure, you do. It's
a semipro team.
224
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:43,874
I remember the team.
225
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:47,144
I mean, no, you're not
playing football again.
226
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:51,382
I think I am.
227
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,463
What the hell is going
on here, anyway, Doug?
228
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,730
I mean, you spend one afternoon
229
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,265
runnin' around with a
bunch of 8-year-olds,
230
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,000
and all of a sudden,
you're turning pro?
231
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,390
OK, first of all, it's semipro,
232
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,225
and there are a couple
9-year-olds there, OK?
233
00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:09,267
Look, here's the thing. I
promised Kirby I'd play.
234
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:10,335
Why?
235
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:13,170
Well, Kirby wanted
to quit the team.
236
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:15,306
So I made a deal with him.
237
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,409
He'll keep on
playing if I do this.
238
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:21,011
Does Kirby know
that you're 36 years old
239
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,147
and have a heart flutter?
240
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,917
What... What are you saying?
You don't think I can handle it?
241
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,430
Oh, no. Sure, you
can play football again,
242
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,254
but why stop there, Doug, hmm?
243
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:33,257
Why don't you become a
superhero... Captain Neckfat?
244
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:37,528
That's nice. How long you
had that one in the holster, huh?
245
00:11:37,596 --> 00:11:42,666
You are not playing
semiprofessional football. OK?
246
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,335
It is ridiculous.
247
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:47,204
It's just on the weekends,
and believe me, I can handle it.
248
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,973
I played football all my life.
249
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,775
And by the way, you
can't just say no, OK?
250
00:11:50,844 --> 00:11:51,943
I'll do what I want!
251
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,222
I just need you to
sign this, though.
252
00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,112
You gotta sign this.
253
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,113
Why?
254
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:57,282
Spouses need to sign.
255
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:58,883
A couple wives sued. Whatever.
256
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,666
"We, the undersigned,
hereby waive any claims
257
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:06,657
"against the Nassau
Rebels for any bodily injury,
258
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:09,160
concussion, paralysis,
and/or death."
259
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:15,466
In case you didn't understand
the form, these are all bad.
260
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,568
It's gonna be fine, OK?
261
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,570
I already called Danny.
He's gonna train me.
262
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,784
You know, he used to be a personal
trainer back in the late eighties.
263
00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:24,909
Oh... well, now I
feel much better.
264
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,645
Why didn't you tell
me your slightly less fat,
265
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,914
asthmatic cousin
was gonna train you?
266
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,022
Look, I am doing this! OK?
267
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,410
Hefferlegs is back in town!
268
00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:44,248
I still need you to
sign this, though.
269
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,469
Any back pain?
270
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:52,470
No.
271
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:53,471
Arthritis?
272
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,472
No.
273
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:55,973
Trouble urinating?
274
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,479
Yeah. When I get
excited, I pee on the rug.
275
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,528
OK, what are we doin' here? When
are we gonna start liftin' weights?
276
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,419
Relax, guy. I can't train you
unless I know your medical history.
277
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:09,654
Fine.
278
00:13:09,723 --> 00:13:11,656
Do you suffer from headaches?
279
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:12,657
No.
280
00:13:12,726 --> 00:13:13,958
Ever had a cardio-bypass
281
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,860
or valve replacement?
282
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,531
If I did, don't you think it
would've come up at Thanksgiving?
283
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,834
OK, y-you're fighting me here.
284
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:26,671
You're not understanding
the Danny system.
285
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:30,675
I'm trying to tailor a specific
training program for your needs.
286
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,843
And not just your
physical needs.
287
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:35,346
But I focus on the mental...
288
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:37,248
the spiritual...
289
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,883
and the emotional.
290
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,685
Let's go, maggot!
291
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,698
Come on... lift it,
292
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,722
you worthless sack of sh...
293
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:47,111
I don't need to be berated.
294
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,660
I don't need to
find my "center."
295
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,631
I don't need to learn
the "Navajo way."
296
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:57,001
I just need you to help
me get back in shape.
297
00:13:57,069 --> 00:13:58,469
So you're angry.
298
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,204
Yes.
299
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,640
Welcome to the Danny system.
300
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:06,311
What do you say we go
build us a better Doug?
301
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,317
Hey, Car. Hey!
302
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,585
Well, is he ready yet?
303
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,132
Oh, he'll be right down.
304
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,067
Why don't you have a
cup of coffee and a Danish?
305
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,958
Well, OK. Yeah. Sit down.
306
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,203
Thanks. Yeah.
307
00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:22,704
Here you go, sweetie.
308
00:14:22,728 --> 00:14:23,661
Yeah. All right.
309
00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:24,662
You nice and comfy?
310
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,090
Yeah. Good.
311
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,201
Ow!
312
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:33,170
What the hell is wrong with you?
313
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,184
That's for making
Doug play football again.
314
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,485
He's gonna get himself killed.
315
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:37,786
I didn't make him. Oh, oh.
316
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,054
You know what? I expect
317
00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:40,722
this kind of
stupidity from Doug.
318
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,513
That's a given.
319
00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:44,960
But not from you. You
should be lookin' out for him.
320
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:46,117
I do look out for him.
321
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:48,920
Oh, bull. You're just
tryin' to de-gay your son.
322
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:53,024
All right, fine. I'm not
thrilled about things.
323
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:56,293
But is it so wrong? I
mean, is it so wrong for me
324
00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:58,195
to someday want
to visit my grandkids
325
00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:01,132
and not my bachelor
son and his 2 cats?
326
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,302
I want you to tell Doug to stop.
327
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,216
You know what?
You know, I don't think
328
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,018
you should be so
against this. I mean,
329
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:12,176
have you seen your husband
lately? He's workin' out.
330
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:13,544
He's eatin' right.
331
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:15,412
I mean, look. He even taped up
332
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,982
this old picture of himself
so he can stay motivated.
333
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:21,319
Now, tell me you wouldn't kill to
get him just halfway back to this.
334
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,655
I'm horny just
lookin' at the guy.
335
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,468
I don't care how he looks.
336
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,403
I'd rather have
him fat than dead.
337
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:44,208
All right, come on!
338
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,754
You can do it!
339
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,823
One more! Let's go! One more!
340
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,658
That's right. Bring it to mama.
341
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:51,093
Come on! Come on, now!
342
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,084
Push! OK! Yeah!
343
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,830
Ohhh! Ohh! Come on!
344
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,620
Yeah! Ohhh!
345
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,078
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
346
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:11,514
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up!
347
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,515
Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down.
348
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,699
Down, down, down.
349
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,752
OK. Good, good, good,
good, good. That's good.
350
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:17,887
You take a short
break, all right?
351
00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:20,022
I got 300 waitin' for
you right over here.
352
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:20,978
Oh, God.
353
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,313
Hey, man. How's the champ?
354
00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:23,959
Aw, just another
day in Stinktown.
355
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:27,684
I'm gettin' ready to relocate
300 L.B.S. What up?
356
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:29,687
I just stopped by
to say thanks, man.
357
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:32,756
You really came through
for me here. And... And listen,
358
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,803
Kirby made you somethin' to
wear at the tryouts tomorrow.
359
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,261
It's a... It's a bandana. See?
360
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:40,497
With your name on it. You're
really, like, his hero, man.
361
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,328
Look, who knows who's
a hero for who, you know?
362
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:46,215
I'm just one man, and... What
is that, glitter? I can't wear that.
363
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,349
Come on. 300. Let's go.
364
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:48,305
Come on. 300.
365
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:50,507
Let's do it! 300, baby.
366
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:51,742
Ohhh!
367
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,713
Ruuuuhhhhh!
368
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:58,415
Aaaahhhh!
369
00:16:58,484 --> 00:16:59,650
Yeah!
370
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:00,651
Wow! Whoo!
371
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,652
3 bills. Damn.
372
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:05,289
Oh, look, who knows
who benches what?
373
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,736
Could I bench-press
a full-grown deer?
374
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,873
Sure, but it's about the kids.
That's really what matters.
375
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:11,829
Ohhh... Thanks.
376
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:12,963
Ohhh...
377
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,708
What the hell is this?
378
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,376
What the hell's what?
379
00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:28,691
These things are Styrofoam!
380
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,414
Styrofoam?
381
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,094
Uhh... I'll look into that.
382
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:34,096
Meanwhile, you start
banging out some sit-ups.
383
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,920
Why the hell am
I liftin' Styrofoam?
384
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,934
Oh, it's just those two.
They're my motivators.
385
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,325
Your what? Mo-ti-va-tors?
386
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,961
They build confidence?
387
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:45,207
What the... So
what are you sayin'?
388
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,398
I... I ca... I can't bench 300?
389
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,399
I gotta be honest with you.
390
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,546
I don't think you can bench 200.
391
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,170
But you think you can bench 300.
392
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,605
That's the magic.
393
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:55,751
So, what... what
about everything else?
394
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:56,819
What about the 40-yard dash?
395
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,542
I... I didn't really run a 4-8?
396
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,055
No, no. You ran a 4-8.
397
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,446
But it was the 29-yard dash.
398
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:04,848
Why the hell
would you lie to me?
399
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,017
I didn't lie.
400
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,018
I mo-ti-va-ted.
401
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,555
I cannot work like this!
402
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,565
Hey, hon. What are you doin'?
403
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,201
Rollin' a ham-and-Swiss doobie.
404
00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:26,970
Doug, you're...
You're in training.
405
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,705
Your tryouts are tomorrow.
406
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:29,918
I'm not tryin' out.
407
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,042
What?
408
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,443
Why?
409
00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:34,456
'Cause Danny lied...
about the weights,
410
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,960
how much I was liftin',
how fast I was runnin'.
411
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,027
You're right. You know what?
412
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,051
I'm not an athlete anymore.
413
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,919
I am what I am.
414
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:00,337
But you can't quit!
415
00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:01,838
Why not? Well...
416
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:04,008
for one thing, you
promised little Kirby.
417
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,196
Please. That kid's got
Ice-Capades written all over him.
418
00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:10,981
All right, all
right, forget Kirby.
419
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,416
But what about you Doug?
420
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:15,519
You... You can't give up on
your dream. You love football.
421
00:19:15,587 --> 00:19:17,565
Yeah. I can still love it from
the couch every Sunday.
422
00:19:17,589 --> 00:19:19,635
What the hell do
you keep lookin' at?
423
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,525
Our sushi magnet.
424
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:25,573
No, you weren't. You're
lookin' at "Eighties Doug"!
425
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:26,597
No, I wasn't.
426
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:29,032
That's why you got
on board with all this!
427
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:32,061
Not to support me! You
just don't want me to be fat!
428
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,538
I don't think you're fat.
429
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:37,486
You don't think I'm
fat? Look at you!
430
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,221
You're lookin' at me right
now like I'm 2 meals away
431
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:42,124
from needin' one of
those little scooters!
432
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,181
All right, fine, OK? I admit it.
433
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,418
I like you better when you can peel
an orange without breakin' a sweat.
434
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:50,532
At least you're bein' honest.
435
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:52,490
All right, forget about
the pictures, Doug.
436
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:56,060
This isn't about me.
This is... It's about you.
437
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,629
I mean, I gotta tell you...
438
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,264
since this whole
football thing started,
439
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:01,599
you're like a different person.
440
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:04,334
You're... You're focused,
you're committed...
441
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:05,502
sexy...
442
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:07,237
yeah, and...
443
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:11,342
really, you've worked
too hard to quit now.
444
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,745
But Danny lied
about... Oh, so what?
445
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,781
So the other guys
are stronger and faster.
446
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:19,416
That doesn't make 'em
better football players.
447
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:22,398
Actually, that's exactly what
makes 'em better football players.
448
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,188
All right. Yeah. OK.
449
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,223
So you can't lift 300 pounds.
450
00:20:26,292 --> 00:20:29,793
But you're strong, Doug,
and football is your game.
451
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,430
I was pretty good.
452
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:34,098
You are pretty good!
453
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,933
And you know what? You might
not make the team tomorrow.
454
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,769
Big deal. But I'll
tell you somethin'.
455
00:20:39,838 --> 00:20:41,638
After tomorrow's tryouts,
456
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:46,376
those guys are gonna know
that Doug Heffernan was there!
457
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:49,948
Ooommmhhh!
458
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:54,084
Ohhh... God!
459
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:05,729
Watch out, man.
460
00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:07,976
Aaahh!
461
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:08,932
Ready!
462
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:10,767
Hut!
463
00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:11,768
Oh, God.
464
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,137
Oh, God. Oh, God!
465
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:24,247
Daddy, can I quit
the football team?
466
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:25,916
Way ahead of ya.
467
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,419
Guess I'll...
468
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:30,253
I'll go meet Doug by the car.
469
00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:48,050
What can I get ya?
470
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:52,142
Um, I'll have a small
nonfat yogurt, and...
471
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:57,307
a bucket of rocky road.
33750
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