All language subtitles for Archer.2009.S14E03.720p.WEB.h264-ETHEL

- How can you say that?
- Pretty easily.

I push the air out of
my throat into words.

Is that how talking works?

Hello.

Huh, it is just pushing out air!

All I'm saying is, wearing
that suit looks like

you're always wearing a
little costume to work.

- Little?
- Yeah.

Like those kids that
wear capes to school.

Do you know how much this costs?

Ugh. I mean, I feel like

I'm paying for it with
this conversation.

Okay, you know
what? Meeting over!

Or meeting not over,

since the meeting
isn't even about that.

- It is now!
- It is not.

This is the...

The party house that
I suggested we buy?

Finally!

No, and please
don't guess again.

This is the English
museum that just hired us.

This artifact, one of
the 13 Golden Plaques,

is being transferred
between museums.

We've been hired to protect it.

From who, highwaymen?

There have been some
museum thefts recently,

so this is an easy chance
for us to be the good guys

and get paid doing it.

And perfect timing
to use the accent

Zara's helped me work on.

Hold on, is that why you've been

shouting things at me
in a bad English accent?

"Bad"?

Cup of tea, guvnor!

Bit of a sticky wicket!

Fish and chips and all that.

Offensive. You're
lucky I like you.

Otherwise, that
would be the last air

your throat ever pushed out.

It doesn't count as offensive

when it's from a
really white country.

You... don't get
to decide that.

What
if I talked like this

'bout burgers and fries on
the farm with Uncle Cletus?

Wait, you know
Pam's Uncle Cletus?

I'm from Wisconsin.

But he does sound like that.

Massive "anyway,"
it doesn't matter,

because Pam's not going.

What? Why not?

Because you have to stay
here to do the 3490s.

Ha! Pam has to
clean the bathrooms.

No, they're assessment forms.

For the new employees.

Your HR duties?

Because you said you
could balance both jobs?

Damn it. I knew my own words

would be used against me.

So I'll be going.

Hmm. Sure you're ready, Lana?

You've been out of the field

for, what, three whole minutes?

Yes, and also, shut up.

We don't need a chaperone,
and I speak for Zara too.

Firstly, I wouldn't even
let you speak for me

if I had a stroke and you were

the only person who could
translate my blinks.

Good call.

He wouldn't get
your accent right.

Secondly, I don't
mind Ms. Kane going.

I thrive being in the field

with other strong female agents.

Wow, that self-adulation

just blended right in with
the sucking up, didn't it?

Sort of how your chlamydia
blends in with your syphilis.

Look, I'll just be coming along

to show the museum how
seriously we take this job.

And because

the museum curator
is on the board

of that fancy private school
you want AJ to get into!

Thank you, Cheryl.

You're welcome!

Jesus, all of this

for an artifact I could
fit into my pants?

Why is that your
unit of measurement?

Better than the metric system.

The museum takes artifact
protection very seriously,

hence us being paid to be here.

Apparently they're losing a ton
of stuff in transit because...

Huh, it doesn't say why.

But anyway, that's
why we're here.

She said, not
finding it suspicious

that a government-funded museum

is keeping secrets
about the artifacts.

I assure you this
museum transfer

is all very legitimate.

I'm Clarissa, the
museum curator.

I'll be driving the truck

to accompany you
with the artifact,

and I'll be right with you.

What a snob.

Did you see the way
she spoke to me?

She was hitting that
posh accent so hard

it should file charges.

Yeah, I feel like that's not

what just happened in
those three sentences.

And aren't your
accents the same?

They sound exactly
the same, right?

No, they don't!

We shouldn't bring her.

She'll mess up everything,

then blame it on her
taxes being too high.

I don't know, take
off her glasses

and she's a British eight,

which is an American
five but a Canadian ten.

She knows about the
artifact, which is an asset,

and she'll see up close how
good we are at our jobs.

Since parents who do well have

Abernathy kids who
do even better!

Oh, I'm grateful
for your help, Lana.

And the Abernathy
board will love this.

Well, that's a nice bonus

but, of course,
not why we do this.

I don't love this side of you.

The Golden Plaques have been
on museum display for years.

But this one being transported
is believed to be cursed.

Curse? What kind of curse?

Probably the dumb, made-up kind

since curses are
dumb and made up.

Don't make fun of
a curse, Archer.

Oh, my God, Zara
believes in curses!

Wait, you hired us to
protect you from a curse?

No, no.

But the plaque is not meant
to be touched with bare hands.

Classic curse rules.

I can't believe you
made fun of my suits

when this is way stupider.

The plaque is being moved
to off-site storage,

and items have been stolen
from museums recently,

likely the work of a
smuggler, Ibadan Peters.

So cursed or not, we want
to keep it in safe hands.

I want it on record
I don't like curses.

Or ghosts. Or hoodoo.

Oh, God, you're one of those.

Such a Capricorn thing to say.

Ugh, you guys are
making a great team.

Starting the old HR duties again

is kinda getting me excited.

You mean the head of HR job

that you were supposed to
be doing this whole time?

Come on, who even knows
who's supposed to do what?

You, as the head of HR!

Here are the
employees to assess.

Ah, shitsnacks. When
did we get so many?

Again, something
you should know!

If it helps, I did my
own personal assessment

based on who'd be most
useful in an apocalypse.

- They'd all be food.
- Great start!

Everybody gets five
points for being edible.

It's not about free points.

All the employees
deserve a chance

to improve their performance,

so you need to
assess them honestly.

Okay, well, Cyril gets an F.

Oh, my God, that's
how I marked him!

F, for food.

Think about it: if I
said I was done drinking,

then started drinking
a week later,

what would that make me?

A more
functioning alcoholic?

That's right, a hypocrite.

That's what you are, Lana.

Could you not say
that next to the woman

who could get our daughter
into one of America's

- top prep schools?
- Fine.

I can talk about Miss Zara
"Anything for the Mission"

Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is.

Why start that kind of
insult if you don't know

- my last name?
- I don't know.

Why are you so afraid
of a fake curse?

We'll
see who's laughing

when you cough up blood.

Uh, pretty sure it
will still be me.

Wait, can you laugh

and cough up blood
at the same time?

You know, many of
the staff members

at the museum
believe in the curse.

In the same way this
country believes

it was part of
winning World War II?

Archer.

Actually, I find it refreshing

to meet someone who isn't
afraid of superstitions

and fantasies.

Oh, I'm not afraid of
much, but that doesn't mean

I don't believe in other
kinds of fantasies.

- Archer!
- I mean, truck sex isn't

really one of them, but
if the windows are tinted,

I don't mind, mm, you know...

Jesus, Archer, shut up!

Someone is on the
roof of the truck.

There are highwaymen!

No, it
must be the smuggler!

But I can't stop the truck.

We're right along
the cliff's edge.

Zara, let's get onto the truck.

Good lord, that was incredible!

Did you see what they just did?

Okay, take it
easy. It was fine.

Incredible would be climbing
out of this non-tinted window

and onto the top of the truck.

So are you going to...

Well, yeah. I guess
I have to now.

This does not
belong in a museum.

Whoa!

Really thinking this route
might not have been worth it.

- Oi!
- Oh. Hey there, little...

Oh, come on.

I just climbed all
the way up there.

And how is that
little kid so strong?

Good job, Half-Pint.

Quick, grab the kid!

Wait, we can't fight a kid.

Then get the plaque.

So are you agreeing or...

Could she drive a
little smoother?

It's not her fault.

It's the wrong side of the road.

Not for her!

U, yeah, not fighting him.

Does this even count as a fight?

Can you not remember

from your field work last month?

Is now the time?

I don't know,
Lana. It might be.

Wait, wait, wait!
You can't touch it.

For the last time,
curses aren't...

Ow! What the hell
just happened?

Was this kid crouching?
Who does that?

I really don't think bolas are
supposed to work like that.

What the hell kind
of smuggler was that?

Did he dislocate your shoulder?

No!

Was it the curse?

Again, no.

It was the child.

Oh, this
is so exciting!

A truck fight while
I was driving!

That is one word for
what you were doing.

I feel so powerful.

This might be the first
time I've ever felt alive.

Museum curation and being
on a children's school board

isn't as glamorous
as you might think.

Luckily, the plaque
is still in safe hands

or safe pants.

You're proud you put

a centuries-old cursed
artifact in your pants?

I'm not not proud.

About that bad guy,
Peters doesn't seem

to fit the classic profile.

And the kid was weird, right?

I know! Who has
a child sidekick?

And where can I get one?

- AJ!
- No.

Did I not mention
all the artifacts

Ibadan Peters wants
are from Nigeria?

And that he takes issue

with them not being
returned to his country?

But you said this was all legit.

It is.

Those artifacts
belong to us now.

For goodness' sake,

we've had them for generations.

Ah, yes, the law
of finders keepers.

Wait, is that the law here?

Because I just found
this beer, and...

It's warm!

Regardless of his intent,

Ibadan Peters was
stealing museum property,

and you kept the plaque safe.

And we love to see cooperation
within an Abernathy family.

Right, right, right,
right. Of course.

We can wait here

for the museum to
send a new truck.

And in the meantime, I'd love
to speak with you privately

on the danger of
your exciting work.

I mean, yeah. Sure.

You think that's the
first time I've climbed

out of a moving truck
and fought a child?

- Actually, it might be.
- Maybe you could take me

to one of the rooms above
the pub and tell me more.

Or show me.

Wait, you're saying there
are rooms above bars here?

I thought
that was just a myth.

Are Hobbits real?

- Huh?
- I was thinking,

it seems unfair of me

to not let you as
senior employees

also have a say in
these assessments.

Pam! You haven't started?

I started to start,
but it's so boring

compared to fieldwork.

Come on, Cyril, you're the one

that's all wet for
being a good employer.

Oh, please don't
say it like that.

Cheryl, you love judging people.

You would think that.

And Krieger, I mean,

what are you even
doing right now?

Shh! Look, if I
don't tell you,

then he can't hurt you.

I mean, it can't hurt you.

- I mean, nothing!
- Great.

Then we can split these up so
I won't blow my brains out.

All I wanted was to get my
daughter into a good school,

and now Archer's
upstairs probably ruining

the whole reason I
took this stupid job.

I thought you took this job
for us to "be the good guys."

Yeah, I did. It was both.

But now we're obviously
on the side of the...

Stuff-takers.

You can say "colonizers."

And you must've known
that when you took the job

working for an English museum.

We almost exclusively have
things from other countries.

Okay, I knew

but kinda wanted to
pretend I didn't.

I mean, it's just
how the world works.

- But does it have to?
- No, not have to, but...

Pays you to and gives you New
York private school perks?

- Huh.
- Can I speak frankly with you?

- Have you not already been?
- Here's where you messed up.

You took this job
for personal benefit

but chose to ignore an
obvious morality issue,

you let an unhinged
rich idiot come along

and gave her the power
to tell us what to do,

and we're dealing with
some kind of curse

likely eating our
insides away as we speak.

- Um...
- And really, this was all

to get something you wanted.

No, not for me.
For my daughter.

So you're saying that
despite trying to run

a morally good agency,
I'm morally bankrupt.

What? No! I'm saying I wish

Skanky Poppins up
there would just...

Stop! Wait. There has
to be an explanation.

This never happens.

- I'm sure it doesn't.
- Lana, tell her.

Tell her I'm never
not able to perform.

Uh, yeah, I would, but
no part of me wants to.

You're touching the
plaque with your hands.

- You're cursed!
- Yes!

Oh, thank God. It's the curse.

So I'll just get
rid of this thing,

and we go back upstairs
and, you know...

You idiot!

Why would you... hold on.

Where's the museum tag?

It was attached
when we packed it.

The curse must've
burned it away.

Oh, my God, Archer,

that's not even how curses work.

Don't make fun of
the curse, Zara!

- It's real.
- Wait.

The gold doesn't go
all the way through.

- It's paint.
- And no museum tags means...

The curse causes
flaccidity and fake gold.

No, it means Ibadan must've

swapped the plaque
out with a replica.

- He's got the real one.
- Oh, God!

But this one can still
be cursed too, right?

Right?

I can't believe
you let this happen!

Ibadan Peters got away
with the real plaque!

I don't understand.

You believe in
something so much,

and then it lets you down.

Then it all feels like a lie.

- Is he talking about...
- Not the plaque

and instead his un-erect dick?

Hey, too soon, Lana.

You have to find Ibadan Peters!

He's likely at the nearest
port escaping with the plaque.

Get there now and arrest him!

Uh, okay, we don't arrest people

because we're technically
not law enforcement.

Or nontechnically, technically.

Plus, we were hired
to protect the plaque.

It seems like this guy
wants the same thing

but just disagrees
with you on the how.

And after this little snafu,

you apprehending Ibadan will
look really good to the museum

and the school board.

Do you understand what I mean?

Well, you're pretty much
just directly saying it,

so yes, if you catch my drift.

- Good.
- Wait!

You should come with
us, since you like

all the danger and excitement.

There might be another fight.

A really sexy fight.

Oh! This is so sad.

And then you and me can just
try this whole thing again

so you can see that it
was all just the curse.

Definitely just
the curse. Not me.

I'm all right.

There's no reason
to be nervous, man.

These assessments are just a way

to help you with your goals.

So what exactly are your goals?

- Oh, um...
- They could be anything.

Not just office shit.

Like, I used to really
want to be in the field.

I mean, HR is great, but
when you're out there,

something else takes over.

And when you're
wailing on somebody,

there's nothing quite
like bashing their head in

and seeing parts of their
brain scatter across the floor!

Now that's how you get
inside someone's head!

I feel like I'm not
describing it right.

Hold on. I'll draw
you a picture.

All your data entry
here is up-to-date.

Ah? Get it? Date-ah?

You'll come to know me
as the office jokester.

This is going
really well, huh?

It is, right?

'Cause you can say if
it's not because...

Look, I'm not saying he'll
definitely hurt everyone.

I'm just saying that this
agency cutting my budget

will only hurt the entire office

in ways you won't
even comprehend

until it's too late.

Aww, don't be afraid.

He will smell that.

Anyway, you're interested
in science division!

So do you just
wanna be a lab rat,

or do you aspire to more things?

Do you do anything other
than answer phones,

not exercise, and only
eat meats and cheeses?

Then you get a D for delicious!

All right. We've been
at it for a while.

I mean, we've gotta
be about done, right?

Why is
this stack so big

and the ones we've
done is so small?

Did we
only do one each?

Technically, mine fainted,
so I'm still at zero.

But it's been two hours?

How is that possible?

Oh, my God!

Does that mean I can go home?

There they are

So are we tying them up

or killing them or...

Jesus, Zara!

Oh, now you have
a moral red line.

Working for a museum
is way different

- than killing kids.
- Which part?

The part where you kill a kid!

We're not killing them.

We might need them
to break the curse

that's been
unceremoniously put on me.

And also, neither of
them are really that bad,

and one's a child.

Sure. Yeah. We've
all got reasons.

Jesus.

Where was this kid trained?

Stop. We're not doing that.

This curse has already
taken too much.

Voles?

Why'd it have to be voles?

Is that something
you run into a lot?

Museum tags and all.

I sent our location to Clarissa,

and the police
should be here soon.

Stop, stop, stop.
You don't understand.

The museum will keep the
plaque locked away in storage

rather than return
it to my country.

I'm just doing what is right.

Really? You clearly kidnapped

this poor child and forced
him into a life of crime.

I weren't kidnapped, Miss!

Ibadan adopted me from
a life on the streets

and taught me about
the importance

of a country's culture.

Huh. That's kinda noble.

So we're just skating over

this kid constantly
being in harm's way?

I mean, I can drop it.

I just don't know
where the line is.

Neither do I, Zara!

More importantly, you
need to remove the curse

from any...

Body parts it may have impacted.

The curse of the plaque?

It will be broken when
the plaque is returned

to Nigeria, which I want to do.

Great, so we're
letting him go, right?

We're all agreed? And done.

Whoa, hey. Wait a minute.

Lana, this is bigger than you!

And I've gotta say,
I don't love the idea

of this adorable
urchin going to jail.

I mean, yes, the plaque
should be returned to Nigeria.

With the curse! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- But you did steal it.
- Oh, please.

You know, you Americans,
you like to take your time

sitting on the fence, don't you?

Will you shut up? I'm
trying to help you.

Or you are wasting time

before the cops
come to arrest me.

- Is that what you're doing?
- No!

Hey, there's no time for this.

He's probably the reason our
organs are shriveling away.

- What?
- So we are killing them?

Ugh, I can't believe

I actually miss the
office right now.

All right, team, here we go.
Everybody listen up, okay?

Do not include me in this.

We realized that
it's unfair of us...

I'm not part of this.

To judge and assess all of you.

It doesn't make us good bosses.

Oh, God.

So we all decided
the best judge is...

yourself!

So you'll self-evaluate.

But sign my name at the
bottom to make clear

that you're also
your own HR rep.

You're all your own me!

And you're all getting raises.

What the hell, Pam?

Lana just gave everyone raises.
We can't afford to do it again.

Oh, well, it's
probably someone's job

to let everyone know
that bummer news, right?

Yes, it's the head of HR's job.

Oh, look!
It's Beauregard.

Hey, buddy. You have
something to say?

Cyril's
got a tiny squid's dick.

Beauregard!

Sorry. He's going
through some stuff.

And that's for the curse!

This is meant to
be a fake fight.

Yeah, but it has to look real.

I'm cursed, not anemic.

Oh, that was better!

Wait, wait, wait, that
is a lot of police.

What if they shoot?
It'll ruin the plan.

Oh, the UK police don't carry...

What the hell?

Well, 90% of UK police

don't carry guns, and it looks
like there's ten of them,

so numbers-wise, one
would have a gun.

Oops! Uh, sorry.

I was aiming for the bad guy.

Sure.

Not the time!

That was you trying
to knock me out?

Come on, there's only so much
performance I can give here.

I was not trying
to knock you out.

I just needed you in position.

Ow!

Ha! He got me again.

That kid
is a damn genius.

Oh, you can laugh and cough
up blood at the same time.

Ow!

I knew it.

Wait! I have the plaque.

And he'll pay for stealing it!

Arrest him!

Wait, you're not supposed
to be the one driving.

You're a kid!

Hit the gas, Half-Pint!

No, no, no! Did he escape?

You should go after him!

Looks like he's
gone through, innit?

Eh, get him next time.

Fish and chips and all that.

I believe our job was
to keep the plaque safe,

and now it is.

My team and I can
go after Ibadan

if that's what the museum wants.

No, no, you did
your job. Thank you.

I suppose this adventure got
me a little carried away.

There are perhaps
certain parts of this

that could stay between us.

Like you trying to turn
this into a capture mission

or like you trying to bang a guy

who side-piped an artifact?

Right.

Completely unrelated,

I do look forward
to welcoming AJ

to Abernathy in the autumn.

Seems like a fair trade-off.

There are very few
things America does well,

but the Abernathy
school is one of them.

Huh. She is patronizing.

Good thing Ibadan had
another reproduction.

That one gets locked away,
and the real one goes home.

You made the right call.
The curse is broken

thanks to two
strong female agents

working together to overcome

one agent's willful
moral blindness.

Wait a second.

No, thank you.

You know, thinking about it,

that guy probably
made up the curse

so he could get to the plaque,
which means I was right,

which means curses aren't real!

Ha!

Which means you're impotent.

Never mind.

Made in Georgia.