All language subtitles for Archer.2009.S14E01.720p.WEB.x265-MiNX

- Forward to HR.

Hmm, not quite.

Fix section two and
bring it to my office.

Open door policy.

Tell them no, and swear a lot.

I expect foulness
and creativity.

- Hey, how was your
weekend? Do not care.

Where's the booze?

I'm sure you're capable

of finding a drink on your own.

- Come on. Where would I find...

I'll consider this an apology.

- Wow, you guys actually
look pretty good.

- Thank you for noticing.

I am on a new fitness regimen.

- I've been practicing
on the range.

Didn't practice the
spinning, though,

which I thought would be easier.

- And I feel like
there's only a 10% chance

I'll attack my coworkers' eyes

with stainless
steel kebab skewers.

- I mean, you should
really be at zero.

- Now it's up to 20.
- Ah!

Lana: Eh, still pretty good.

All right, back to basics here.

Missions that make us money

and make the world
a better place.

No muss, no waste.

- That certainly
explains these guys.

- You, uh, ready
for us to start?

- Yep, we're all
about efficiency,

so you can start now.

- So this "no
waste" thing, Lana.

How does that jive with
your office remodel?

- It's part of my new
philosophy, true transparency.

The walls of my
office will be glass.

- Isn't it a contradiction
for a spy agency

to be so transparent?

- No!
- Why not?

Because shut up!

I mean, that's not really
constructive right now, Cyril.

- Nice save.

I don't think anyone noticed.

- Could you keep it...

Down for just a minute

until the briefing is over?

Mission one of our new era.

The Vanguard is a crew of
international jewel thieves.

Ex-Special Forces.

Highly organized.

They have stolen billions.

- Who cares about shiny rocks?

Unless...

Are we working for magpies?
- Ray?

- Y'all, this is our trial
to work with Interpol.

One of their agents is
asking us for the assist.

Both: Wow. Cheryl: Interpol!

- This could really
put us on the map,

and that map is of
Paris, France, Europe.

- Nice! Who thinks I can eat

a whole baguette
without chewing?

Bets on the table.
Odds are two to one.

- Nah.
- Pass.

- No.
- Obviously you can.

- Oh, right, you
guys saw that one.

- Pretty impressive,
and it did make

for an entertaining
funeral brunch.

- Pam, with all the new hires,

I need you here to
keep an eye on HR.

- But Paris! And...

Sorry, thought I had
it. Didn't have it.

But come on!

I can do both at the same time.

- Just like solemnly
paying your last respects

and inhaling carbs.

- Exactly. Thank you.

I'll do HR stuff from
the phone over there.

- Ugh, all right.

Pam, you'll go with
Archer and Ray.

- Uh, I like Paris.

- Yeah, I need you here to
get Accounting up to speed.

- Pam gets to go.

- Yeah, but we like her.

- Okay. We get this right,

and we'll have all the
Interpol work we can eat.

It's all a part of
our new beginning.

And with that, continue.

And in the interest
of new beginnings,

maybe we keep this to ourselves.

Don't worry, Lana.

He was probably just gasping
at your progressive leadership.

- B-b-b-body!

- No, it was the body.

- Why does everyone stand up?

It's not like we're
going anywhere.

- You're standing up.

- Otherwise, I'll lose my spot.

- Look at me like that again,

and I'll slap you
like a Huguenot.

- Dude, you need to chill.

The wine they have in
France is l'amazing.

- Uh, yeah, this
stuff's from Quebec,

and I think it's made
from beaver squeezins.

- Ah, the French.

- Where's the
romance, the intrigue?

Spies do not fly coach!

- But they do apparently
yell about how they're spies.

- Misdirection, everyone!

- Who's this Interpol
douche anyway?

- All it said was "Agent Z."

- Probably some washed-up hack,

a bureaucratic mushroom feeding

on the decaying
corpse of Europe,

giving come-hither
looks to his...

- Shotgun!
- Shotgun!

Ah, damn it!

- Zara Khan, Interpol.

- We weren't expecting
someone with your profile

or bone structure.

- Well, it's a
blessing and a curse.

- Uh, what's the curse?

- Pretending there's
a curse part.

- L'zing.

- So you are officially
independent consultants

joining me on a
fact-finding mission.

- And unofficially?

- Unofficially, I'd recommend
a more modern hairstyle.

- Double zing!

- I would, but I'd be arrested

by the U.S. Park Service

for desecrating a
national treasure.

Uh, you in a hurry here?

- Always.

Wait, what are we doing?

- Like I said, fact-finding.

We're just chasing down a lead.

Ah!

- Jesus. Um, was it
in that guy's skull?

- Doesn't look like it,

but I bet there are
more skulls in here.

Krieger: Well, it's
not one of mine.

- Wait, what do you
mean, "one of yours"?

- Well, this one has the
"right" number of heads,

and look at those hands.

Oh!

Zero embedded poison sacs.

Cheryl: Well, we're in luck.

The teeth are well-preserved.

- Okay, cross-reference those
with our dental records.

- I don't know what that means.

I just think teeth are neat.

"Hey, bones, get back inside!"

"No!"

- So we're calling
the police, right,

since we're so above board now?

- Yeah, this is an
internal matter.

- Internal, like my fingers
in this dead guy's mouth.

- Internal like I'm
going to gently convince

and/or threaten the
guy that saw this

so he forgets all about it.

Go get him.

I
think he just walked in.

- Well, that saves time.

- Tell me where the
Eye of the Serpent is!

- Are we straight
up robbing this guy?

- He doesn't look
like a cat burglar.

- Because he's
clearly a dog person.

- Don't say dog person!
- Boom, got it in.

- No, you did not.

- Whoa, uh, guys.

- If you don't tell me,
it's your pinky or your pug.

Owner: Oh, Muffin!

Zara: Your choice.

- I... I... I can't choose.

- Guess it's both.

- 3, 2...
- Oh, no! Oh, no! No!

- I'll tell. I'll tell!

- I wouldn't have shot the dog.

- And the finger?

- I've always
thought ten is a lot.

Oh, mints.

- This is a real roller coaster.

- She knows how to
handle herself, though.

- I don't trust her. This
whole thing is designed

to bond us to her
through intense emotion.

You gotta fight it.

- Jesus Christ,
you worry too much.

- That is famously
not my problem.

Tell her!

- He gets shot,
like, all the time.

- And safe sex? Forget it.

He is absolutely riddled
with God knows what.

The doctors sure don't.

- Good to know.

- Do you think she likes me?

- You're pathetic.

owner: I've done all I can.

That's 3-inch glass
that can only be opened

by the insurance company.

- Bollocks.

Guess we should
probably just give up.

Unless... did anyone
bring a hypersonic punch?

Huh? What? Huh?

I guess I did!

You'll want to get
behind something.

- Is there any practical
difference between

what we just did
and blatant crime?

- Mm, it's more the attitude.

- Uh, spl...

- Do not say it. I forbid it.

Sploosh.

Archer: I heard that!

- And I am sorry you were privy
to that internal discussion.

We try to keep
things lighthearted.

- Not a problem, though I
have already informed everyone

about the body because
of our stated values

of openness and transparency.

- Cheryl!

Go get me some staples, please.

- Oh! Wait, you're right.

Those will totally hurt more.

- Thank you, Kurt.

I'm glad to hear you did that.

- You are?

- Obviously, because
I'd already scheduled

a town hall where
I'll be very happy

to hear everyone's concerns.

- Uh-huh.

- Does it bother
you that Cheryl has

a kebab skewer holster?

- Mm, not as much as it should.

- All right, you need to
tell us what's going on,

like, now, because...

- Oh, she's got a
little slide show.

- Last week, the Vanguard
stole a sculpture

called the Golden Dragon
from a private collector.

This, the emerald
we stole today,

was originally one of its eyes.

We steal the second tomorrow
from the National Gallery.

Questions?

- Um, feels more
like a crime spree.

How does this get
us to the Vanguard?

- I've chased these
guys for years.

They're impenetrable.

The only time they
interact with outsiders

is when they
recruit new members.

- So we're basically rushing
the Vanguard's fraternity?

- No, thanks.

My doctor says I have to
cut down on getting paddled,

or I'll develop something
called "dead ass."

What?

Sorry my life's
cooler than yours.

- And Interpol is
fine with this?

- In theory.
- That means no.

- Every time I've gotten close
to these guys, they bolt.

We're pretty sure
we have a mole,

which is why we hired you guys.

Let's all get some rest.

Today you were just back-up,
but tomorrow is the real deal.

- So we're turning her
in to the cops, right?

If the French have cops

and not mimes with
invisible guns.

- What are you talking about?

- Stealing jewels,

pretending there's
a mole in Interpol

so we don't contact them.

She's obviously part of Vanguard

and even more obviously
gonna double-cross us.

- Okay, and you're sure
you're not just saying that

because you're
intimidated by her?

- And she is not
at all into you?

- One, she's obviously into me,

because I can read the subtle
art of reverse body language.

And two, I'm not into her.

- You seem pretty
worked up, bud.

Things will look better if
you go have a glass of wine,

meditate, then gaze down
at the Paris streets

while you rub one out.

That's what this
gal is gonna do.

- I mean, I wasn't
gonna do that,

but I think I have new plans.

- Yeah, you guys
are probably right.

Maybe I am overreacting.

I'll just call it a night.

Misdirection.

God, I hate being
right all the time.

Wait, no, I don't.

It's the best.

- Ah, the perfect
place to meet up

with your Vanguard buddies.

Mmm, mmm, wow.

Mmm, that's pretty good.

You should order that again.

Ah, the perfect place to...

Be backstabbed by your friends!

- You what?

- I said the first
part over there.

- Come on.

We're just hanging out.

- Monsieur, une chaise?

- Make it two, pal.

- Wow, going pretty hard, huh?

- Oh, you haven't
seen me go hard.

- I think a lot of ladies
haven't seen you go hard.

Also, you just
ordered two chairs.

- Can you please keep it down?

Everybody's looking at us.

- Look, Archer, you
seemed pretty steamed,

so I figured I'd
let you cool off.

But I just want to get
to know you guys better.

- Yeah, probably to
probe for weaknesses.

- Sure it's not
about something else?

- Yeah, they told me how someone

posing as an Interpol
liaison kidnapped your child.

That must have been really hard.

- Well, I guess it was
diff... Wait a second!

Why are you giving her
information about my family?

And don't try to plumb
my psychological depths,

because I assure you,
I don't have any.

Pam, you're in
contact with Lana.

What does she think of all this?

- Um, I actually
turned my phone off

to concentrate on the mission,

because I'm a professional.

Oh, boy.

- HR won't respond
to our complaints.

- All we're asking is a simple
workplace safety question.

How did the body
get in the wall?

- And how long
has it been there?

- Glad you asked.

Well, our working theory is

that the person in
question was rehearsing

a one-man show of "The
Cask of Amontillado"

that, hmm, got a
little out of hand.

- What? No, that is not what...

- Or it was someone annoying
we needed to get rid of.

Seriously?

- For the love of God, Cheryl.

- Yes, right, for
the love of God.

- Look, in the
spirit of openness,

we don't know how the
body got in the wall.

But you all signed a
non-disclosure agreement

and a declaration
that you might see

disturbing things at this job.

So let's all get
back to work, okay?

- ♪ Who wants vegan
protein mini muffins ♪

- Screw you.
- Ugh.

- Come on.

Archer: Cyril,
I need you to do

a thorough background check

on Interpol agent Zara Khan.

I think she's a mole.

Cyril: I'm kind
of busy, Archer.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, in that
case, do it anyway!

Damn it, I said
get the same one!

Now no one gets it.

So we're really following
this obvious turncoat

into a situation that will
probably get us killed?

- And we're really gonna
sit here and listen

to rhetorical questions?

- It wasn't rhetorical.

- Or was it?

- Yeah, who's to say?

- Look, if you're so
worked up about it,

just run a background
check on her.

- Well, in fact, I did,

and she has a perfect
record of arrests

on every case she's done,
which is the perfect cover.

I say we kill her.

Come on. Let's go.

- Sorry, hate to question you,

but should we maybe
wait till it's closed?

- It is. Private event.

So more security.

Just means more chances for
us to make them look silly.

- Gotta love that moxie.
- I'm a little rusty.

Moxie is French for
"terrible decision," right?

- Spoken like a man with moxie.

- It's not called moxie in men.

It's called just being a man.

- Oh, so it's called
"double standard."

- Pff, no, you
don't call it that.

Man, what a shit show.

Who was this for,
Gertrude Ederle?

Because I am swimming in this.

- I mean, mine fits great.

- Yours is okay.
Mine is amazing.

- I'm sorry, Archer.

I was just going by memory,
and I guess in my mind...

- Here it comes.
- You have a gut.

- You call this a gut?
- Quiet!

And no! Honestly,

it's really impressive
for someone your age.

Ray, Pam,

go to the rotunda and
cause a diversion.

A big one.

- Uh, in front of everybody?

- Archer, come with
me, and stay close

so I don't double-cross you.

- Oh, sure, joke about the thing

you're actually gonna do.

That's convincing everybody.

- Uh, looking a little
green there, buddy.

- I kind of have a thing
about looking silly

in front of fancy people.

In high school, I was a waiter

at the nicest
restaurant in town,

and it wasn't great.

- Boy, you're never
gonna amount to nothing,

you stay a fool.

- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

- That was the
nicest restaurant?

- Well, it was a small,
very shitty town.

- Well, now you can purge
yourself of your fear.

Embrace the chaos.

- Well, whatever this is,
at least it won't be...

the wedding reception of an
archduke and a movie star!

Pam, I can't do this.

- Come on. Nobody
knows who you are.

- Excuse-moi, didn't you win

the bronze medal in
the giant slalom?

Sorry, I'm just a
giant skiing fan.

My whole table is.

Everyone, everyone,
look who I just met.

- Nope, I'm leaving. Ow!

- How dare you speak
to me that way!

Come on, hit me.

- I'm not ruining this wedding.

- That's what you think.

You knave!

- They're rich, not medieval.

person over PA:
Attention! Attention!

All guards to the ballroom.

- Okay.

You can see both
exits from here.

Stay and keep watch.

- Oh, so you can grab the jewel

and slip out like
the snake you are?

- How would a
snake grab a jewel?

- With its tongue, obviously.

They're prehensile.

- Okay, I still have
questions about how it crawls,

but I'm gonna go grab
this thing instead.

- You know nothing about nature,

and I'm coming with.

From here on out, I
am attached to you.

- Oh, what, like
a male anglerfish?

- Good reference,
but I'm still mad.

- Hey, who are you guys?

- Oh, hey. I'm Officer Night.

You might be wondering
my first name.

Officer? We are not officers.

Ooh.

- First name,
Good. "Good Night."

Oh, I don't think he gets it.

Well, smash and grab time.

That way! You lead!

- There is no way I'm
turning my back on you.

Archer: I would have gone left.

- Ugh! Stop backseat escaping!

- I don't care. Get it done!

- Yeah, I'm on
it. Hold on a sec.

Usually HR complaints
don't involve a dead body,

a town hall to
discuss the dead body,

and then a blatant lie
involving Edgar Allan Poe.

Cyril: Ouch!

- I'm on the goddamn phone!

Oh, sorry, your Archdukeness.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not like violence
against an archduke

ever led to something bad.

- I'll come up with
something for you, Lana.

- If I wanted to be
a career babysitter,

I would have
majored in sociology

at a regional community college.

Fucking fix it!

- Here you are, Ms. Arch...

- Oh, my God, I'm Malory.

- Sorry.

Cyril: You know,
systems of power...

Go print an invoice.

- Huh?

Jeezy-petes!

Cyril: Archer, we weren't
hired by Interpol.

There's a zero
instead of the "O."

It's a fake!

- Interpol didn't hire us.

You did.
- It's not what you think.

- What I think is that
you give me that emerald,

and I take you to the
cops or mimes or whatever.

- I'm afraid I can't do that.

- I am not cleaning that up.

- We're not so
different, you and I.

Wait, I know how that
sounds, but seriously.

- You're the mole at Interpol.

"Intermole."

- Damn it, it was right there.

- You saw my record.

People at Interpol
have been trying

to sabotage me because
I make them look bad.

So I hired you personally
to catch the Vanguard.

- Then why were you
buying us all drinks

and trying to find out
personal stuff about us?

- Because Interpol
is Snore City,

and you guys are fun.

- We do kind of rule.

- But honestly, the
real reason I hired you

is I just have to win.

And I knew you
would come through.

I've got a motorcycle
stashed on the stairwell.

- Can I drive down the
stairs on the motorcycle?

- If you're okay with
me sitting behind you.

- I accept.

Oh, sorry. Uh, reflex.

- No, no, no, I get it.

I mean, look at me.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo, motorcycle!

- Do you have to do that?

- Let me answer your
question with a whoo!

You know, we make a great team.

- Hard to disagree.

I think if we take some time
building up our trust level...

- Then you're really
gonna hate this.

Decoy!
- Ah!

- Okay, now I hate being right.

Lana: Excuse me.

Can I have your
attention, please?

Well, first off,

I want to apologize
for yesterday.

I really wish Cyril wouldn't
have gone off script

and lied to you.

- God damn it.

- But you should all know

this is a spy organization.

We do dangerous work,

and that means you're gonna
see some crazy-ass shit.

So while I will try to be
as transparent as possible,

as transparent as possible

is not gonna be
very transparent.

- Well, that is not acceptable.

- Hold up there, face-nuts.

The boss is talking.

- Is this part of
your assistant duties?

- The only part
of the job I like.

And let me tell you.

This will absolutely not
be the most messed-up thing

you're gonna see here.

Want to leave? Go ahead.

Want to stay?

You just got a 5% raise.

- Any questions?

Kurt: Hey, Jim, do you have
those quarterly reports?

- Wow, Pam sure
does know her shit.

Blame Cyril, tough love, raise.

- So you still gonna
do the glass walls?

- Well, you know what they say.

People who live in glass
houses are fucking morons.

- As soon as she pretended
not to be into me, I knew.

Traitor, god damn it.

These apologies from Pam and Ray

better be absolutely abject
360-degree tongue baths.

- Hey, you made it.

I knew you would.
- What... how...

What the...
- It was the only move.

No time to explain,
but we do need

to introduce you to someone.

This is Pavle.

- Yeah, he's apparently
with some sort of group

called, like, I want
to say the Vanguard.

Did I get that right?

- And he wants to talk to us

about maybe joining up.

And I think we, us thieves,
should hear him out.

- Oh, well, hello.

Whoa!

Ah!

Hi.

- Made in Georgia.

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