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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
(clock ticking)
2
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:19,987
So, Gretchen,
3
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,889
there's a topic
we haven't broached yet.
4
00:00:21,922 --> 00:00:24,125
How you seem to only own
one pair of jeans?
5
00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:27,395
You've been so focused
on Jimmy's dad.
6
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,730
Has that stirred up any feelings
about your father?
7
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:32,700
Nope!
8
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,168
What about your mom?
9
00:00:34,202 --> 00:00:36,036
I've noticed some tension
around the subject.
10
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:37,505
Tension?
11
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,373
My mom's a baller-ass boss.
End of story.
12
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,075
(gasps)
Did you see Wheel last night?
13
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,844
Someone almost hit
the million-dollar wedge.
14
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,446
I remember when they
brought that out in '08,
15
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,716
I was like,
"What? That is nuts."
16
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,352
So, would you say she's
controlling, manipulative?
17
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,020
If I biffed a tennis match,
18
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,089
she would take away
my sheets and pillows.
19
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:56,624
But that is what made me strong.
20
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,959
My friends had chill parents
who didn't push them,
21
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,928
and now they're all
unmotivated babies.
22
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,131
Maybe if they had a mom
like mine,
23
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,866
they wouldn't be the pieces
of shit that they are currently.
24
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,035
You know what?
25
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,239
I'm gonna fix those shitty
babies, just like my mom would.
26
00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,606
I would actually advise you
not interfere
27
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,607
with your friends' lives,
28
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:14,942
Too late. Doing it.
29
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:16,377
Of course you are.
30
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,446
(sniffs) Okay, Gretchen.
31
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,914
(clears throat)
This is obviously not working.
32
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,916
The defensiveness,
the mid-session naps,
33
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,752
the things you're writing
on the bathroom stalls,
34
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,819
the name-calling...
35
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,087
Oh, see, that one's on you.
36
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,889
You let a dog on the bed once...
37
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,057
No one is forcing you
to be here.
38
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,426
Are you firing me?
39
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,027
You don't fire me. I fire you.
40
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,133
Okay.
41
00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:40,434
(scoffs softly) Wait.
42
00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,470
Uh, let's compromise. Uh...
43
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:45,573
if I fix my friends and prove
that I'm right about my mom,
44
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,809
do you promise not to fire me?
45
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,077
I'm not firing you.
46
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,579
That is not a compromise.
47
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,080
And I don't agree to any of it.
48
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,615
Great. Deal.
49
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,784
Seriously,
50
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,353
jeans are, like,
20 bucks at H&M.
51
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,121
Get on it.
52
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,930
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
53
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,666
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
54
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,003
* Gonna leave you anyway.
55
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,875
(video game sound effects)
56
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,813
(elephant trumpets)
57
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,116
What are you doing?
58
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,051
Zoo Entrepreneur?
What the hell is this?
59
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,553
It's a highly invigorating game
60
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,788
in which one builds
a virtual zoo.
61
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:38,058
Mine's called "Jimmy's
Spectacular Zoo of Wonder
62
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,527
"and Animal Friends
63
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,063
Plus Cinnabons,
Parenthesis No Edgars Allowed."
64
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,665
And you're
a professional writer.
65
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,868
Gretchen, feeding the giraffe
and washing the rhinoceri
66
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,870
exercises everything
that a writer needs
67
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,339
for a productive day:
68
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,808
problem solving, imagination,
word having.
69
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:55,909
What's your giraffe's name?
70
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,578
Necky.
71
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,413
Jimmy, you have a deadline!
You need to be writing!
72
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,349
Gretchen, it's
all writing!
73
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,716
No, it's not.
74
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,552
Playing, literally,
the world's most boring game
75
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:05,586
is not writing.
(gasps)
76
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,388
You know what's writing?
(gasps)
77
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:08,656
Writing!
78
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:09,890
Sorry, bor-- boring?
79
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,659
Why, just yesterday
a seven-year-old
80
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,427
fell into the
koala enclosure.
81
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:14,728
He was not injured.
82
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:17,498
But he sure was
severely nuzzled.
83
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,566
Gretchen, what
are you-- No!
84
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:19,767
No, plug the
router back in!
85
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,901
My zoo is cloud-based.
86
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,336
You show me some progress
on your book,
87
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,871
and maybe you'll
get this back.
88
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:27,675
Uh, my female elephant
has severe ADHD.
89
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,677
If I don't provide her
with constant stimuli,
90
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,545
she'll suck all the hair
off her tail.
91
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:32,846
What's your elephant's name?
92
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,214
Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.
93
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,417
Trunky.
94
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,689
(sighs)
95
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,190
(moaning):
Oh, yes.
96
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,092
Oh, that's so good.
97
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,360
Do it.
98
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,462
PAUL: Ooh, would you
look at that?
99
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:50,898
A new poké place just
opened up on Barrington.
100
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:55,035
Actor Peter Gallagher
101
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,806
has shaved $100,000
off the listing for his home,
102
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:01,609
which features mature
fruit trees.
103
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:02,876
Imagine that.
104
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,244
(panting, moaning)
Oh.
105
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,647
The bulky item drop-off event
is next weekend.
106
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:09,483
We could dispose of
the broken wine fridge.
107
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:10,718
Pull my hair.
108
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:11,785
What?
109
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,721
Another iOS update?
110
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,623
These things are quite
the nuisance, but...
111
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,591
Choke me.
...necessary for stability.
112
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,827
Almost there.
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
113
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:22,763
Did you know that every time
you evacuate your bowels,
114
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,231
you lose one-third...
Almost there!
115
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,500
...of the bacteria...
I'm almost there!
116
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:27,801
...in your body.
117
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,637
Goddamn it!
118
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,139
Isn't that amazing?
(chuckles)
119
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,642
Oh. Huh.
120
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,910
KILLIAN: "Simon startled,
pulsing with desire,
121
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,346
"for he had dreamed
of Kitty again.
122
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:39,913
"He wondered if at that moment,
123
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,282
she was dreaming of him,
moist and..."
124
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:45,953
This is the worst day for me
to be absent from the zoo.
125
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,822
I didn't order extra pellets
for the petting zoo.
126
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,358
There's no way that those goats
127
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,526
don't develop a taste
for human fingers.
128
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,294
Can't do this today.
129
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,330
You promised your agent two more
chapters by the end of the week.
130
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:59,967
Well, we all make promises
we can't keep, Killian.
131
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,703
(door opens)
Like you, with your
Presidential Fitness Challenge.
132
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,304
(door closes)
133
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,446
Uh, are you okay?
134
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,948
Ever since my dad's roast,
I've felt odd.
135
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:18,719
Just aimless,
but suddenly awakened.
136
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,821
Like I'm accessing
areas of my brain
137
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,690
that have been shut off
for years.
138
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:25,793
I feel like Bradley Cooper,
you know, in that movie, uh...
139
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:26,760
Aloha.
...Limitless.
140
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,564
What is that body of water
down there?
141
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:34,067
Is it some sort of public wash
for the destitute?
142
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,669
Have you seriously never been
to the reservoir?
143
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,571
There's a park,
a running trail,
144
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,572
a rec center.
145
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,474
Well, that settles that.
146
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,309
To the...
147
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,512
reservoir I shall go.
148
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,013
I'd go with you,
149
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,016
but I'm actually working on
a new Dr. Weed video.
150
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:50,518
(door closes)
Did I ever tell you
151
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,319
about my character, Dr. Weed?
152
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,689
He's this doctor
who loves weed, but...
153
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,091
Mister?
154
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,860
Do you have any extra foods?
155
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,295
Oh.
156
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,777
Lindsay, you're a mess, right?
157
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,712
Boy howdy.
158
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,248
So, what is going on
in your life
159
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,116
that I can berate you
into fixing my way?
160
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,553
Hmm. Let's see.
161
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:29,022
Well, I was having sex
with this hunk
162
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,892
named Raul,
and I was about to splooge,
163
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,695
but then Paul kept talking
and it went back inside.
164
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,430
(chuckles): I still can't
believe you're cucking Paul.
165
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,131
I'm what now?
Cuckolding.
166
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,733
It's a subgenre of femdom.
167
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,802
Well, whatever it is,
Paul's ruining it.
168
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,104
I just want to be normal
and cheat on my husband
169
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,706
without feeling guilty about it.
170
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,208
And here you are
sulking about it like a loser.
171
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,777
You know what winners do?
172
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,779
They take what they want,
no matter what.
173
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,413
So what are you gonna do
about it?
174
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:56,283
I'm gonna...
175
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:59,953
tell Paul to go away the next
time I want to pork a rando?
176
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,822
And don't you come back
without results, young lady,
177
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,457
or else no Must See TV for you!
178
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:04,725
Why are you being so bossy?
179
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,660
Not bossy, Lindsay.
180
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,663
Maternal.
181
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:10,498
(gasps)
182
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,966
* I want to drive
183
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,903
* Elsewhere in the place
184
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:19,006
* In the dead of night
185
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:23,410
* I want to see what makes
186
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,846
* I want to see
187
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,849
* Rusty cities
(barking)
188
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:31,151
* Watch them fall
189
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:35,288
* I want to see it all
190
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,958
* I want to know
191
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,460
* That there ain't no cure...
192
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,130
You retrieved the projectile.
193
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,700
But why?
194
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,770
* I know
* I know *
195
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,304
* There's something missing
196
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,706
* I know
* I know *
197
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:53,807
* There's something missing
198
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,677
* I know
* I know *
199
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,613
* It's all right.
200
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:02,049
(howling)
201
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,316
(howling)
202
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,486
Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?
203
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,890
(East L.A. accent):
Okay. Our first letter
204
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,491
comes from Randall in Lubbock.
205
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:12,960
(Southern accent):
"Dear Dr. Weed...
(door closes)
206
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,729
"...every soap I
use in the shower
207
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,364
dries my skin out."
208
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,733
(East L.A. accent): Randall,
this is a very common problem.
209
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:24,304
My diagnosis is:
twice a day, I want you...
210
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:29,643
to smoke more weed...!
211
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,344
What's going on here?
212
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,714
(normal voice):
Uh, cut.
213
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,649
Uh, just answering
214
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,151
viewer mail.
215
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,887
I-I write the questions myself.
216
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,590
So what's the goal with this?
217
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,024
Oh, nothing.
It's just something dumb
218
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,593
I put on the Internet
for my vet friends.
219
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:48,261
So you're wasting
your most valuable resource...
220
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,564
My talent?
...your time, for no reason.
221
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,432
Edgar, this has potential.
222
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,101
Really? Thanks.
223
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,069
Because, you know, I thought...
But just because you got
224
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,638
your period at 11
does not make you a woman.
225
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,008
Look, if you're gonna do
these videos,
226
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,542
you got to do them all the way.
227
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,177
(stammers)
228
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,579
Okay.
229
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:08,381
First, we're gonna
blast the video sites
230
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:09,917
and anything
veteran related.
Mm-hmm.
231
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:11,619
I'll sneak it to some contacts.
232
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,920
Hey!
233
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,255
You have a comment
from a journalist.
234
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:18,558
"I'm producing a new piece on
how marijuana can help veterans,
235
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:19,960
and I'd love to interview you."
236
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,528
So have you reached out to him?
237
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,764
Nah. I don't really want
that much attention.
238
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,370
What's wrong?
239
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,939
Are you mad at me?
240
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,441
Sometimes I think I care
more about this than you do.
241
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,243
No, no. I'm-I'm sorry.
242
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,911
I was just nervous.
I'll e-mail the guy.
243
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,446
Hey, hey.
244
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,620
Is that the shirt
you're wearing?
245
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,656
Hmm.
246
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:54,828
(kids chattering playfully)
247
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,830
(men chattering,
basketball bouncing)
248
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,398
MAN:
Oh, yeah.
249
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,767
Shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it.
250
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,501
Go in, go in,
go in, go in!
251
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,104
Yeah!
JIMMY: Yay!
252
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,641
Let's go.
Let's run next.
253
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,276
You want in?
254
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:14,114
Well, I am trying
new things today.
255
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,415
I am in.
256
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,450
Whose, uh... whose squad
shall I be on?
257
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,986
The other one.
258
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:20,453
Screen, screen, screen.
259
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,455
*
260
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,062
Hey, hey, hey!
You, you, you!
261
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,833
*
262
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,169
Watch screen, screen!
Yeah!
263
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,706
Shoot it!
264
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,441
Yes!
265
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,443
I win! I win.
266
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,611
(panting)
267
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,613
What an invigorating hand sport.
268
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,716
How often do you, uh,
you fellows play?
269
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,985
(Jimmy screams)
270
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,153
Ow, my ankle!
271
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,221
W-We forfeit!
272
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,789
My-my team forfeits!
273
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,324
(groaning)
274
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,761
Nice and clean.
275
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,835
(shudders)
276
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,102
So clean.
277
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:11,839
(clears throat)
278
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:12,873
Hey.
279
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:14,374
Bear, can we talk?
280
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:15,408
Of course.
281
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,848
I love you so much.
282
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,050
And I want to keep
being honest with you.
283
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,018
Oh, God.
I just noticed how hard
284
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:27,587
it's been for you
when Raul is around.
285
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:32,559
So, for your sake, I'll spend
time with him, or whoever,
286
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:35,896
somewhere else,
so you won't have to watch.
287
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:36,930
For you.
288
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:43,336
You can't have relations with
other men when I'm not there.
289
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,838
That's adultery.
290
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,674
Well, you're clearly not
enjoying cucking.
291
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,042
Which is what we're doing.
292
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,677
And it's ruining it for me.
293
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:54,047
I am doing the hard work
to be a better partner
294
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,415
and tell you
what I need.
295
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,919
And if you can't
handle it...
296
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:01,922
I just don't know, Paul.
297
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,824
I just don't know.
298
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,594
So...
299
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:10,297
this cucking is something
many women fantasize about?
300
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,565
All of them. They all do.
301
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,603
(sighs)
302
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:23,911
Boy. Now I'm embarrassed
by my prudishness.
303
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,580
Well, if this is an established,
304
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,482
rudimentary fetish,
then I suppose
305
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,918
I am up for the challenge.
306
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:33,586
I'm going to research
this fantasy of yours.
307
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,055
You'll see.
308
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,725
I'll be the best cuck ever.
309
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,360
For our family.
310
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:43,696
Family.
311
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,774
(groans)
Are you sure it's not broken?
312
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,409
It's just a sprain.
So what happened?
313
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,246
(sighs)
I was hooping "b-ball"
314
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,981
with some diverse
local athletes.
315
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,282
Sick.
316
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,284
I am so stoked
you called me for this.
317
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,987
Well, don't have
insurance, so...
318
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:07,988
Anyway, thanks.
319
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,489
Uh-uh. We made a deal.
320
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,791
I'm not doing your podcast.
You promised!
321
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,828
I don't care. I'm not...
322
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:18,165
Although, before yesterday,
I thought I hated dogs,
323
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:22,335
sports, hipster picnics and
unrefrigerated cart fruit, too.
324
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,204
Do you know what?
I will do it.
325
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,106
Hell yeah! This is gonna be
the best episode
326
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,641
since Adam Pally did
that extended bit
327
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,177
where he pretended he was pissed
328
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,980
and didn't know why
he was doing my show.
329
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,982
You're slouching.
330
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:37,650
Okay, almost ready.
331
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,019
Okay.
Good.
332
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,787
Edgar, tell the nice man
what we talked about.
333
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,622
(whispers):
What's the blue screen for?
334
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,058
Edgar. You can ask him.
335
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,296
What's the blue screen for?
336
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,665
Oh, uh, we have a
really cool digital set
337
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:55,468
that we composite
in, like Tosh.0.
338
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,469
And this card?
339
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:57,570
White balance.
340
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,773
(whispers):
White balance.
341
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:06,546
Just bring it up a
little bit. Good.
342
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:08,848
Okay.
343
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,851
So, can you
introduce yourself?
344
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,387
Well, my name is Edgar Quintero.
345
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,223
6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.
346
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,758
And what's your experience
with the V.A. been like?
347
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,194
The V.A. is a great institution,
348
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:24,431
but they're underfunded
and understaffed.
349
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,499
People are literally dying
350
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,568
because they can't get
the health care they need.
351
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,203
And how long
have you been
352
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,838
treating your PTSD
with marijuana?
353
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,107
Oh, um, th...
354
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,542
that wasn't...
355
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,044
that's not really...
356
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,581
I'm just
not comfortable being
357
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,850
so open about
my self-medicating.
358
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,686
Plus, this is all
a lot fancier than I expected.
359
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,189
They got a blue screen
like Tosh.0.
360
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,125
Honey... you're doing great.
361
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:55,262
Now, if you don't
get back out there,
362
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,330
we are not stopping for
milkshakes on the way home.
363
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,774
(exhales)
364
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,777
I have tried
a bunch of treatments,
365
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,413
but nothing has fixed my PTSD.
366
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:19,619
Lately though, I found that s...
367
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,921
smoking pot has been
really effective.
368
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,793
I even kind of feel like
a real person again.
369
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,664
I don't know if marijuana
works for everyone,
370
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:35,368
but it seems to be
working for me.
371
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,641
(TV playing quietly)
372
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,412
Is it bedtime?
373
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,114
It's still day.
374
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:48,948
Bedtime's for night.
375
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:51,751
As promised, wife,
I've been researching
376
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,186
this cuckolding fetish
we now have.
377
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:54,321
Oh?
378
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,588
Certain men intuit
379
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,791
that they are genetically
inferior beta males.
380
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:02,996
So they get aroused by watching
their partners copulate
381
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:07,434
with someone of superior DNA,
e.g. Raul.
382
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:12,105
Furthermore, I have a special
present for you, my hot wife.
383
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,442
(giggles)
Where's my present?
384
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,577
Right here.
385
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:25,185
The cage symbolizes the cuck's
sexual inferiority
386
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,154
and genital unworthiness.
387
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:30,790
By associating
sexual arousal with...
388
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,359
(strained):
extreme pain,
389
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:35,962
my body will slowly learn
that I do not deserve
390
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,831
erotic satisfaction.
(cage locks)
391
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,302
Oh, God.
392
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,871
Okay, Paul...
(knock on door)
393
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,611
Part deux of my surprise.
(chuckles)
394
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,547
Raul.
395
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,083
Raul's friend.
396
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,817
Good day.
397
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,420
You may take
what you want.
398
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,024
*
399
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,197
Oh, boy.
400
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,864
This is humiliating.
401
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:15,902
Your genetic superiority
is extremely emasculating.
402
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:18,271
Oh, boy,
that's my wife.
403
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:19,706
I'm a worm.
404
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:20,940
I'm a worm.
405
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:21,941
That's my wife!
406
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,043
I'm a worm!
Oh, oh.
407
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,212
The cage!
408
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,046
Oh, the cage.
409
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,084
I was not expecting this.
410
00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:33,753
Dude, I have, like,
20,000 subscribers.
411
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,422
Vernon, the
guest shower is
412
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:37,224
completely clogged
by your curly hair.
413
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,192
I swear to God, if you're not
taking your Propecia--
414
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,361
Hi, Jimmy.
Let's test your levels, huh?
415
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,029
You're on the podcast?
416
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,297
Don't sound so shocked.
417
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:46,099
I interned for Frosty,
Heidi and Frank.
418
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,601
(harmonica plays)
ANNOUNCER:
This is Balloon Knot Media.
419
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,170
(fart sound)
420
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,375
Welcome to Vernon Down the House
on Balloon Knot Media.
421
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:58,211
I am Dr. Vernon Barbara,
joined, as always,
422
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,079
by my lovely wife
and sidekick...
423
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:01,448
Uh, cohost.
424
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:04,251
Hey, Bec.
Aw, did I say "sidekick" again?
425
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:07,920
Hey, Vern. Uh, yeah, you did,
you stinker. (chuckles)
426
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,556
VERNON: Visiting the
man cave this week
427
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,924
is a very special guest;
he's a best-selling author,
428
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:14,727
and one of my all-time
best buds,
429
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,496
Jimmy Shive-Overly.
(canned applause)
430
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,265
Welcome, Jimmy.
431
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:19,499
Uh, thank you.
432
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:21,601
So great.
So, Jimmy, where you from?
433
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,002
Savannah, Georgia.
434
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,637
(both laugh loudly)
435
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,439
That's great.
436
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,809
Uh, I'm actually from a
small town outside Manchester.
437
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,077
England.
438
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,180
Oh, Jimmy,
you are just too much.
439
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,647
Ah, that is great stuff.
440
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,350
So, Jimmy, are you in
a good place right now?
441
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,819
Yes.
442
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,488
Even with the recent death
of your father?
443
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:42,489
BECCA:
Oh, yeah.
444
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,824
It gets real in the man cave.
445
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,326
He made Adam Pally cry.
446
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,094
That guy's got some stuff.
447
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,862
(brief dramatic music)
WOMAN (echoes): Dra-ma!
448
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:54,467
Um... well, we had a
memorial service the other day.
449
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,836
That helped me
get some closure.
450
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,338
And why was closure important?
451
00:18:58,371 --> 00:19:00,840
(ticking clock sound)
452
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:03,343
(ticking stops)
Well, I guess my
role in the family
453
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:06,446
was basically to
annoy him, so...
454
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,114
So you could get the attention
you wouldn't otherwise get.
455
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,616
Is that why
you moved to L.A.,
456
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,384
became a writer?
BECCA: Had your nipple pierced
457
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,786
for two weeks, or fostered
that boa constrictor?
458
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,188
Aw, Squeezy.
459
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,524
Sounds like quite the weight
has been lifted off you, then.
460
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,859
Yeah.
461
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:21,728
Guess it sort of has.
462
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,696
So, what's next for Jimmy?
463
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,668
I've been working
on my new book.
464
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:29,969
Although, to be honest,
465
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,205
I haven't been getting
much writing done lately.
466
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:36,175
But I thought you only became
a writer to piss off your dad.
467
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:39,145
Yes, I did become a
writer to make him angry.
468
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,548
So, if he's gone, why are you
still living your life
469
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,649
in reaction to him?
470
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,817
So, if I'm not writing,
471
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,720
because I have no one to
write against anymore...
472
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,558
...who am I?
473
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,192
That's what I'm saying.
That's what he's saying.
474
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,161
(harp plays a scale)
VOICES: Insight.
475
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,230
I can start over now.
476
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:59,399
Not in reaction to anyone,
477
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,834
but in accordance
to my authentic self,
478
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,036
whomever I was meant to be!
479
00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:06,038
(chuckles):
Oh, my God!
480
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,841
What if what I was actually
meant to do is...
481
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,578
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Got to pay some bills. Bec?
482
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,613
(guitar music plays)
This week's
Vernon Down the House
483
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,716
is exclusively sponsored
by Red Napkin.
484
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:20,052
Guys, I love Red Napkin,
for so many reasons.
485
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,888
(fading): You know how sometimes
you want a za'atar-spiced
486
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:25,057
fennel stromboli, but you don't
want to leave the house?
487
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,702
Hey, hon, you hungry?
488
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,437
Don't "hon" me!
489
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,138
Look at what you did.
490
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:42,208
Those numbers don't lie!
491
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,210
You know what else doesn't lie?
492
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,912
War heroes!
493
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:49,582
My name is Edgar Quintero,
6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.
494
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,485
Smoking pot fixed my PTSD.
495
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:55,455
The V.A.... expects all of us...
to shut the hell up.
496
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,624
Marijuana works for everyone.
497
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,726
People are literally dying
498
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,394
because they can't
get marijuana.
499
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,430
People literally... dying.
500
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,665
They're... dying.
People... are dying.
501
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,133
(militaristic rock music plays)
502
00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:10,337
(TV turns off)
503
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:13,105
You got me in with
the pot people.
504
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,807
They're the worst people.
505
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:17,777
Worse than people who study
abroad or atheists or...
506
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,145
Ooh, what about children
of celebrities who pretend
507
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:20,980
that it didn't help
their careers.
508
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:25,017
These pot activists leech off of
people with legitimate problems
509
00:21:25,051 --> 00:21:26,453
in order to further
their agenda,
510
00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:27,754
which is just
getting high!
511
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,422
Why did you make me do this?!
512
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:30,857
I was looking out
for your best interests.
513
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:33,259
Yeah, well,
I'm done with Dr. Weed.
514
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:34,961
Hey! If I quit every time
515
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:37,096
my mother pushed me
to do something hard,
516
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,365
I wouldn't have... I-I...
517
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:40,600
Okay, well, I guess
I did quit eventually
518
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:42,535
to start doing drugs
and having unprotected sex
519
00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:43,536
with college boys.
520
00:21:43,570 --> 00:21:45,137
But the point...
521
00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:46,706
No! No more advice!
522
00:21:46,739 --> 00:21:48,641
I hate you.
523
00:21:48,675 --> 00:21:50,710
(gasps) I was trying
to help you fill your...
524
00:21:50,743 --> 00:21:52,011
(door opens, closes)
525
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,346
(sighs)
526
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,815
Look what I made!
I went to Kinko's.
527
00:21:55,848 --> 00:21:57,517
Talked to some undergrads
making a 'zine.
528
00:21:57,550 --> 00:21:59,352
It's a lovely place.
Anyway, turns out
529
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:02,288
I've been living my entire life
in opposition to my father.
530
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:05,057
And now that he's dead,
I have no idea who I really am.
531
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:06,659
Am I even a writer?
Who knows?
532
00:22:06,693 --> 00:22:08,395
Maybe I'm meant to be
a master carpenter,
533
00:22:08,428 --> 00:22:10,296
slash tree house architect,
slash singer-songwriter.
534
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,798
(chuckles)
535
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:14,634
Anyways, although my zoo
animals are likely dead
536
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:17,169
or escaped, I'd like to
thank you for taking that router
537
00:22:17,203 --> 00:22:18,638
and forcing me
to explore the world.
538
00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:20,407
Okay.
539
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,074
I'm gonna go into the backyard
and test some branches
540
00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:23,376
for load-bearing capacity.
541
00:22:27,414 --> 00:22:30,149
(door opens, closes)
542
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,418
(phone chimes)
543
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:45,364
Hey.
544
00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:46,599
Oh, sorry.
545
00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,701
Look...
Jesus Christ.
546
00:22:48,735 --> 00:22:51,838
Ugh, what is that?!
What...
547
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:55,007
Order mozzarella sticks
like a person. (gags)
548
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:58,010
Anyway, I-I don't want you
to cream your jeans or anything
549
00:22:58,044 --> 00:22:59,345
'cause I know
they're your only pair,
550
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,280
but maybe my mom
wasn't so great.
551
00:23:01,313 --> 00:23:02,449
Seriously?
What, did you hack my e-mail?
552
00:23:02,482 --> 00:23:04,116
I mean, the pressure
made me rad,
553
00:23:04,150 --> 00:23:05,785
but have you ever slept
with no sheets?
554
00:23:05,818 --> 00:23:07,754
So scratchy.
555
00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:09,456
Five out of ten.
Would bang.
556
00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:11,591
Yup, that's her.
GRETCHEN:
Actually,
557
00:23:11,624 --> 00:23:15,462
that was the first time
I fell into a depression.
558
00:23:15,495 --> 00:23:18,230
*
It was after a tennis match
and I had won,
559
00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:20,933
but not by enough,
'cause it was never enough.
560
00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:25,572
And my mom was doing this...
this food withholding thing.
561
00:23:25,605 --> 00:23:28,140
I think she saw something
about it on a TV show
562
00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:30,142
as a way to control
your dog or something.
563
00:23:30,176 --> 00:23:32,211
* Black lights on all night
564
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:34,581
* The day couldn't see
565
00:23:34,614 --> 00:23:36,649
* Two mirrors were talking
566
00:23:36,683 --> 00:23:39,586
* Just not listening
567
00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:41,888
* Angel with fire
568
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:44,090
* Making a scene
569
00:23:44,123 --> 00:23:48,828
* Well, what were you thinking
you'd shake out of me? *
570
00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:50,763
* Is it all in my head?
571
00:23:50,797 --> 00:23:52,264
* Am I wrong?
572
00:23:52,298 --> 00:23:53,900
* Oh, you're killing me,
killing me *
573
00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:56,168
* Chasing my tail...
574
00:23:56,202 --> 00:23:59,171
(dog barks)
575
00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:05,144
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