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Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
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My friend Charlotte
was dating Dr. Bram Walker...
2
00:00:50,497 --> 00:00:53,933
...a very hardworking orthopedic surgeon.
3
00:00:55,202 --> 00:00:56,669
Bram?
4
00:01:00,374 --> 00:01:01,500
What?
5
00:01:01,942 --> 00:01:03,341
Were you asleep?
6
00:01:03,443 --> 00:01:05,741
No, I was just resting my eyes.
7
00:01:06,046 --> 00:01:07,479
My God.
8
00:01:08,281 --> 00:01:10,442
I fell asleep for one second.
9
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:11,844
My God.
10
00:01:11,918 --> 00:01:14,250
I was up at 5:00, I had three carpal tunnels.
11
00:01:14,354 --> 00:01:17,152
It's very exhaustive reconstructive work.
12
00:01:18,525 --> 00:01:21,255
He fell asleep when
he was making love to me.
13
00:01:21,862 --> 00:01:22,988
He fell asleep!
14
00:01:23,263 --> 00:01:26,494
He was tired.
This has nothing to do with you.
15
00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:29,334
Has a man ever fallen asleep
making love to you?
16
00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:32,803
No, but I'm sure many of them wanted to.
17
00:01:33,073 --> 00:01:35,473
I can't believe this happened to me!
18
00:01:35,542 --> 00:01:37,009
You want some herb tea?
19
00:01:37,577 --> 00:01:39,272
I must be really bad in bed.
20
00:01:39,379 --> 00:01:41,404
You are not bad in bed.
21
00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:43,813
I've got Constant Comment and...
22
00:01:44,217 --> 00:01:46,378
Do you want some Tummy Tamer?
23
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,182
Of course it's her.
I have to say, I'm not surprised.
24
00:01:49,289 --> 00:01:52,725
Ever seen her on a Stairmaster?
Nothing happening below the waist.
25
00:01:52,793 --> 00:01:54,055
Nada. No sale.
26
00:01:54,161 --> 00:01:55,685
How can you say that?
27
00:01:55,762 --> 00:02:00,256
Even if she was bad in bed,
which she isn't, is it really that important?
28
00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:04,098
Absolutely. Who we are in bed
is who we are in life.
29
00:02:04,171 --> 00:02:07,038
I never met a man who was bad in bed
who was good at life.
30
00:02:07,107 --> 00:02:09,598
Just for the record, in bed, you are...
31
00:02:09,776 --> 00:02:11,607
Don't make me state the obvious.
32
00:02:11,711 --> 00:02:13,975
How can you be so sure?
33
00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:17,175
No one ever took a nap while fucking me...
34
00:02:17,317 --> 00:02:19,342
...and I get affirmations all the time.
35
00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:20,579
Just last week...
36
00:02:20,987 --> 00:02:25,651
Last week, Samantha had dinner
with a gay couple she'd known for years.
37
00:02:25,859 --> 00:02:27,417
David and David.
38
00:02:27,961 --> 00:02:31,055
Thanks for a lovely dinner. It was fun.
39
00:02:31,164 --> 00:02:33,598
I have to admit,
we have an ulterior motive.
40
00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:35,092
What?
41
00:02:35,368 --> 00:02:38,269
We're wondering if you're seeing
anyone special right now?
42
00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:40,038
Actually, no.
43
00:02:40,607 --> 00:02:42,507
Do you have a hot guy for me?
44
00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:45,336
Two.
45
00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:53,245
- No!
- Yes!
46
00:02:53,353 --> 00:02:55,184
We want to have sex with a woman.
47
00:02:56,356 --> 00:02:58,415
- Are you serious?
- Totally.
48
00:02:58,558 --> 00:02:59,957
I'm curious about it.
49
00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:03,257
We've never done it
and we thought it might be fun.
50
00:03:03,330 --> 00:03:04,422
We were like:
51
00:03:04,698 --> 00:03:07,826
"If we were gonna do it with a woman,
who would it be?"
52
00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:11,597
- Then we were like, Samantha.
- Totally.
53
00:03:11,805 --> 00:03:16,606
We decided of all the beautiful women
we know, you are probably the best in bed.
54
00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:18,168
Totally.
55
00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:20,844
Look at that!
56
00:03:21,381 --> 00:03:24,680
I'm thinking about doing it.
They're cute, they're healthy.
57
00:03:24,784 --> 00:03:26,012
They're gay!
58
00:03:26,119 --> 00:03:29,054
For a sex columnist,
you have a limited view of sexuality.
59
00:03:29,422 --> 00:03:31,083
Gay as pink suede.
60
00:03:31,157 --> 00:03:32,852
Wake up. It's 2000.
61
00:03:33,293 --> 00:03:37,354
The new millennium won't be about sexual
labels, it'll be about sexual expression.
62
00:03:37,564 --> 00:03:39,964
It won't matter if you're sleeping
with men or women.
63
00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:42,194
It'll be about sleeping with individuals.
64
00:03:42,269 --> 00:03:44,134
Or in your case, twos or threes.
65
00:03:44,237 --> 00:03:48,537
Soon everyone will be pansexual.
It won't matter if you're gay or straight.
66
00:03:48,608 --> 00:03:51,543
- Just if you're good or bad in bed.
- Exactly.
67
00:03:52,879 --> 00:03:55,507
That night I got to thinking about bed.
68
00:03:55,582 --> 00:03:59,484
Are we secretly being graded every time
we invite someone to join us in it?
69
00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:02,215
A plus, B, D, incomplete.
70
00:04:02,489 --> 00:04:05,686
Is making love really nothing
more than a pop quiz?
71
00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:10,229
If sex is a test, how do we know
if we're passing or failing?
72
00:04:10,597 --> 00:04:12,861
How do you know if you're good in bed?
73
00:04:15,135 --> 00:04:19,299
Later on, I was walking home thinking
about my sexual report card when...
74
00:04:22,409 --> 00:04:23,899
What the hell...
75
00:04:24,711 --> 00:04:27,942
Christ, I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
I threw my cigarette.
76
00:04:28,582 --> 00:04:31,176
I thought I was stung by a bee. Jesus!
77
00:04:31,251 --> 00:04:33,845
I'm sorry. Did it leave a mark?
78
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:37,189
You can't smoke in the restaurant.
I'm a smoker.
79
00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:40,623
I'm a smoker too,
but watch where you throw those things?
80
00:04:43,163 --> 00:04:44,960
No, it didn't leave a mark.
81
00:04:45,031 --> 00:04:47,795
As the pain subsided,
my mind was free to notice...
82
00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:50,199
...how incredibly cute this guy was.
83
00:04:50,303 --> 00:04:53,466
I am sorry. My name's Patrick Casey.
84
00:04:53,807 --> 00:04:55,900
Carrie Bradshaw, burn victim.
85
00:04:57,177 --> 00:04:59,771
How weird was that? That was intense.
86
00:04:59,846 --> 00:05:02,610
You gotta admit,
it's a clever way to meet the ladies.
87
00:05:03,049 --> 00:05:06,041
You got a little comedy routine
going there?
88
00:05:06,152 --> 00:05:07,585
Little bit.
89
00:05:08,088 --> 00:05:10,022
Listen, I really feel bad.
90
00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:13,356
At least let me buy you a coffee,
or some burn salve?
91
00:05:13,893 --> 00:05:15,827
- Not funny yet.
- Sorry.
92
00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:18,996
But it might be after a cappuccino.
93
00:05:19,265 --> 00:05:23,065
There's a place right around the corner.
We can smoke there.
94
00:05:23,503 --> 00:05:26,802
Three Marlboros and two
Marlboro Lights later I had learned...
95
00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:29,704
...Patrick was a composer,
writing music for movies.
96
00:05:29,843 --> 00:05:32,141
What type of movies do you compose for?
97
00:05:32,245 --> 00:05:33,644
Really bad ones.
98
00:05:34,314 --> 00:05:37,977
The I Screamed When I Knew What You
Did Last Summer On Elm Street types.
99
00:05:38,184 --> 00:05:41,483
As long as you're challenged
by what you do.
100
00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:46,881
Dammit. Patrick Casey, whoever you are.
101
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,355
I'm late. I have to go.
102
00:05:49,896 --> 00:05:51,659
Thank you for the coffee.
103
00:05:52,432 --> 00:05:55,560
Maybe one day
you'll give me scar tissue again.
104
00:05:56,936 --> 00:05:58,870
- You're great.
- Thanks.
105
00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:02,365
As I walked away, I started to think...
106
00:06:02,642 --> 00:06:06,908
How many cute, smart, single smokers
are there left in the world? Seven?
107
00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:11,117
I decided to do something
I almost never do...
108
00:06:11,217 --> 00:06:13,378
Give a man my phone number.
109
00:06:14,921 --> 00:06:18,288
This whole burn lawsuit I plan to initiate...
110
00:06:18,658 --> 00:06:23,186
...it might get a little crazy,
so here is my phone number.
111
00:06:23,329 --> 00:06:25,627
You will need that for your attorney...
112
00:06:25,699 --> 00:06:28,600
...or if you want to have
coffee again sometime.
113
00:06:29,135 --> 00:06:33,572
I left feeling great. It was such a cute
approach. How could he not call?
114
00:06:34,074 --> 00:06:36,975
How could he not call?
It's been three days.
115
00:06:37,143 --> 00:06:41,239
Give him 12 more hours and then
send him off to the island of lost men.
116
00:06:41,414 --> 00:06:43,405
I don't wanna send him there, I like him.
117
00:06:43,516 --> 00:06:47,543
Could you believe that someone actually
had the nerve to call this Florentine Peach?
118
00:06:47,954 --> 00:06:50,514
I can't believe you spent
this much on sheets.
119
00:06:50,657 --> 00:06:54,115
It's an experiment.
I'm trying to change my bed karma.
120
00:06:54,427 --> 00:06:57,988
I figure if I can make my bed
a place I really want to be...
121
00:06:58,064 --> 00:07:00,123
...others will feel the same way.
122
00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:01,798
The field of dreams.
123
00:07:02,035 --> 00:07:04,663
Exactly. "If you build it, he will come."
124
00:07:04,971 --> 00:07:09,806
The thing that gets me is, I'm not usually
wrong about the phone number size-up.
125
00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:12,776
I don't put it out there
unless I'm sure it's coming back.
126
00:07:12,846 --> 00:07:16,748
I'm either really loving or hating the color.
127
00:07:17,317 --> 00:07:18,716
He thinks I'm ugly.
128
00:07:18,785 --> 00:07:21,276
My God. Get a grip.
129
00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:24,813
A guy doesn't call you for three days
and you're ugly?
130
00:07:24,924 --> 00:07:27,518
- What's your point?
- Pillowcase.
131
00:07:28,027 --> 00:07:31,793
It's amazing.
We can feel totally good about ourselves...
132
00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:36,925
...and then it all goes out the window
if the guy doesn't mirror it back to us.
133
00:07:37,737 --> 00:07:39,898
This has a little weird thing here.
134
00:07:40,273 --> 00:07:43,765
Dammit. Does everything I bring into
this bedroom have to have a flaw?
135
00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:51,213
The next day I was in the Village looking
for the perfect $7 dress...
136
00:07:51,317 --> 00:07:53,478
...to go with my $300 shoes, when...
137
00:07:54,487 --> 00:07:57,183
I had a choice.
I could turn around and run away...
138
00:07:57,290 --> 00:08:00,225
...or I could smile, be brave
and walk on over.
139
00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:05,157
Hi.
140
00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:09,391
So what? Saturday's the day you stand on
the street and smoke in the Village?
141
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:12,196
Hi, I'm Carrie.
142
00:08:12,705 --> 00:08:15,936
- We're kind of in the middle of something.
- Right, sure.
143
00:08:17,443 --> 00:08:19,536
Bye. I was on my way to Perry Street.
144
00:08:19,612 --> 00:08:20,977
This is Perry Street.
145
00:08:21,281 --> 00:08:23,374
Bleecker, I meant Bleecker.
146
00:08:23,983 --> 00:08:26,383
Okay, bye. Goodbye to you, too.
147
00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:36,893
- Let me explain.
- No, I'm embarrassed.
148
00:08:36,996 --> 00:08:40,261
You're obviously in the middle
of a thing with your lover...
149
00:08:40,366 --> 00:08:42,129
...or whoever and I'm there...
150
00:08:42,635 --> 00:08:44,000
I'm not gay.
151
00:08:45,071 --> 00:08:47,039
I'm an alcoholic.
152
00:08:47,307 --> 00:08:49,400
We were waiting for a meeting to start.
153
00:08:49,542 --> 00:08:52,909
I wanted to introduce you
but it's supposed to be anonymous.
154
00:08:53,112 --> 00:08:55,876
I really wasn't getting the gay vibe
from you.
155
00:08:56,216 --> 00:08:58,616
It's just, he was so cute and...
156
00:08:59,319 --> 00:09:01,150
- I never called.
- Right.
157
00:09:01,454 --> 00:09:04,719
I was freaked. I've only been
in the program 11 months...
158
00:09:04,791 --> 00:09:08,921
...and my sponsor said I really shouldn't
get involved with someone for a year.
159
00:09:11,164 --> 00:09:14,133
Okay, maybe you'll call me in a month.
160
00:09:14,601 --> 00:09:17,092
It doesn't bother you that I'm an alcoholic?
161
00:09:17,303 --> 00:09:21,330
God, no. I love alcoholics.
Hell, I hope to be one someday.
162
00:09:22,508 --> 00:09:25,068
- That was a joke.
- That's not funny, yet.
163
00:09:25,245 --> 00:09:27,736
But it might be after a cappuccino.
164
00:09:27,947 --> 00:09:30,507
What the fuck, it's only a couple of weeks.
165
00:09:30,583 --> 00:09:32,608
Would you like to go on a date sometime?
166
00:09:32,852 --> 00:09:34,911
I can't think why not.
167
00:09:35,321 --> 00:09:36,879
You call me.
168
00:09:37,624 --> 00:09:41,287
I accepted his kind invitation
because when you think about it...
169
00:09:41,361 --> 00:09:43,659
...aren't we all in recovery from something?
170
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:47,131
Drinking? Drugging?
Our last relationship?
171
00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:51,068
On our first date,
Patrick and I went for coffee.
172
00:09:51,204 --> 00:09:56,198
I'm really compulsive. If I open up a bag
of Chips Ahoy, I gotta eat the whole thing.
173
00:09:56,676 --> 00:10:00,510
I'm like that with Reese's Pieces.
Reese's Pieces and shoes.
174
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,945
Wouldn't the shoes
be a little tough on digestion?
175
00:10:06,185 --> 00:10:08,016
This is me.
176
00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:11,886
Thank you, Mr. Casey. I had a great time.
177
00:10:12,358 --> 00:10:15,327
No, Miss Burn Victim.
I had the great time.
178
00:10:16,229 --> 00:10:20,996
Then I gave him my very best
lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move.
179
00:10:31,844 --> 00:10:35,371
Our next date, over dinner,
he told me about working his 12 steps.
180
00:10:35,648 --> 00:10:39,414
After dinner, I stood on my third step
trying to work him.
181
00:10:39,552 --> 00:10:41,884
That smell is amazing. What is that?
182
00:10:42,522 --> 00:10:43,648
Me.
183
00:10:46,459 --> 00:10:48,484
I'll call you.
184
00:10:49,529 --> 00:10:51,656
I couldn't figure it out.
185
00:10:56,703 --> 00:11:00,639
I knew he wanted me, because during my
lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move...
186
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:04,232
...I'd accidentally, on purpose felt
his pop-up-and-say-hello.
187
00:11:04,777 --> 00:11:06,335
What was going on?
188
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:11,542
By the third date, I wanted him even more
than a fistful of Reese's Pieces.
189
00:11:15,488 --> 00:11:17,353
Well then, goodnight.
190
00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:20,754
That was that. I'd hit my humiliation limit.
191
00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:25,456
Then I thought, how many cute,
smart, sexy, single, smoking alcoholics...
192
00:11:25,531 --> 00:11:28,159
...are there left in the world? Five?
193
00:11:41,547 --> 00:11:43,538
Do you want to come up?
194
00:11:44,817 --> 00:11:49,015
But you see, the thing is,
I've never had sex sober.
195
00:11:49,322 --> 00:11:53,782
I've always been drunk or high.
I don't know if I'll be any good.
196
00:11:55,395 --> 00:11:58,853
What the hell?
Let's take it one step at a time.
197
00:12:12,845 --> 00:12:15,211
Sex is amazing.
198
00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:19,217
It feels so fucking amazing.
199
00:12:19,552 --> 00:12:21,986
Do other people know about this?
200
00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:27,349
All right! I did it! Sex without beer!
201
00:12:32,432 --> 00:12:33,729
Easy, cowboy.
202
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:35,361
You!
203
00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:38,228
What about you! You are the best.
204
00:12:38,471 --> 00:12:40,632
You weren't half bad yourself.
205
00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:42,834
You are the best.
206
00:12:43,342 --> 00:12:45,776
- You're the best.
- I aim to please.
207
00:12:48,081 --> 00:12:50,982
After we have a cigarette...
208
00:12:55,354 --> 00:12:57,219
...can we do it again?
209
00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:03,857
I'll have a Spanish omelet, hash browns,
more coffee and orange juice.
210
00:13:05,531 --> 00:13:08,694
Can I have some rice pudding
for later? Thanks.
211
00:13:08,968 --> 00:13:10,663
Storing up for winter?
212
00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:13,568
No, I'm starving. Patrick and I...
213
00:13:13,906 --> 00:13:15,897
All last night and I'm just...
214
00:13:16,142 --> 00:13:18,406
No, don't stop, it's okay.
215
00:13:18,511 --> 00:13:21,207
Just because I'm bad in bed
doesn't mean everybody is.
216
00:13:21,314 --> 00:13:22,645
One more time.
217
00:13:23,182 --> 00:13:24,979
You are not bad in bed.
218
00:13:25,084 --> 00:13:28,349
Really? Has a man ever fallen asleep
making love to you?
219
00:13:28,454 --> 00:13:32,550
No, but I once fell asleep when a guy was
doing me. It was the ludes.
220
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:33,614
It's okay.
221
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:38,394
I'm mature enough to realize that while
I may be good at some things like...
222
00:13:38,798 --> 00:13:42,461
...accessories, that I might need help
in others like...
223
00:13:43,236 --> 00:13:45,363
- Fucking?
- Making love.
224
00:13:46,939 --> 00:13:49,703
So, I'm taking a class.
225
00:13:49,842 --> 00:13:51,332
A fucking class?
226
00:13:51,644 --> 00:13:54,044
No, a tantric sex workshop.
227
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:57,611
Just don't drink any suspicious Kool-Aid
or put on new Nikes.
228
00:13:57,850 --> 00:14:01,513
It's not like that. It's taught by a
well-respected woman psychologist.
229
00:14:01,954 --> 00:14:04,445
It's called "How To Please A Man."
230
00:14:04,857 --> 00:14:08,190
I know how to please a man.
Just give away most of your power.
231
00:14:09,295 --> 00:14:12,230
I have a trainer for the gym.
I can have a trainer for...
232
00:14:12,431 --> 00:14:14,991
- Fucking?
- Please stop saying that.
233
00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:18,402
Are you actually going to do this?
234
00:14:20,673 --> 00:14:23,471
Seating was limited,
so I signed you guys up.
235
00:14:24,177 --> 00:14:27,112
Please? I can't go alone.
236
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,381
If Bram ever falls asleep on me again,
I will die.
237
00:14:30,516 --> 00:14:32,507
Pretty please, with sugar on it?
238
00:14:33,119 --> 00:14:34,347
Christ, I'm in.
239
00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:38,749
What the hell, I don't exactly
have them hanging from the rafters.
240
00:14:38,824 --> 00:14:40,121
"How To Please A Man."
241
00:14:40,826 --> 00:14:43,021
I could teach the damn class.
242
00:14:45,231 --> 00:14:46,391
All right.
243
00:14:50,736 --> 00:14:53,534
That night,
while David and David got undressed...
244
00:14:53,606 --> 00:14:55,699
...and waited for her in the bedroom.
245
00:14:55,808 --> 00:14:59,175
Samantha began to wonder
if maybe she was about to go too far.
246
00:14:59,412 --> 00:15:02,745
Was she actually capable
of being this sexually free?
247
00:15:02,949 --> 00:15:05,474
Or was she getting in over her head?
248
00:15:05,918 --> 00:15:10,480
She decided before there were regrets,
they should all talk about it a little more.
249
00:15:12,158 --> 00:15:14,649
Listen, David and David, maybe...
250
00:15:15,628 --> 00:15:16,959
You look amazing.
251
00:15:17,063 --> 00:15:19,793
Just like Jean Harlow in Red Dust.
252
00:15:19,865 --> 00:15:23,392
Samantha loved the Samantha mirrored
through the eyes of the Davids.
253
00:15:23,836 --> 00:15:25,167
What the hell?
254
00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:10,413
- They're so soft.
- I know.
255
00:16:24,764 --> 00:16:28,291
- I can't do this.
- Neither can I.
256
00:16:30,870 --> 00:16:32,303
But I...
257
00:16:33,339 --> 00:16:35,967
- We're just getting start...
- No, can't.
258
00:16:36,208 --> 00:16:38,506
- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
259
00:16:38,611 --> 00:16:40,977
It's very pretty, but no.
260
00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:43,815
It's not you, it's us.
261
00:16:43,983 --> 00:16:47,783
I have an idea. Let's all put on our clothes
and go out for gelati!
262
00:16:47,853 --> 00:16:49,946
- Cheesecake.
- Whatever.
263
00:16:53,192 --> 00:16:57,356
Suddenly, Samantha wasn't feeling
so good about herself in bed.
264
00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:07,669
I gotta go or I'm going to be late
for the tantric workshop thing.
265
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,434
Baby, you don't need a workshop.
266
00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:12,637
You are amazing.
267
00:17:12,878 --> 00:17:15,779
Come on, one more time.
268
00:17:16,415 --> 00:17:18,883
We did it last night and all this morning.
269
00:17:19,051 --> 00:17:21,815
I could have sex with you
morning, noon and night.
270
00:17:22,021 --> 00:17:25,616
That's when I realized it.
Mr. Compulsive wasn't in bed with me...
271
00:17:25,725 --> 00:17:27,158
More, c'mon.
272
00:17:27,259 --> 00:17:29,921
...he was in bed with a big bag
of Chips Ahoy.
273
00:17:29,995 --> 00:17:31,019
More.
274
00:17:31,530 --> 00:17:34,090
The intent of tantric...
275
00:17:34,166 --> 00:17:37,602
...we say "sacred sexuality..."
276
00:17:37,837 --> 00:17:41,432
...is to experience
and merge with the Divine.
277
00:17:42,041 --> 00:17:44,202
I think Patrick's addicted to me.
278
00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:46,870
It's like he's replaced drinking with me.
279
00:17:46,946 --> 00:17:48,538
Program guys are tough.
280
00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:51,275
I dated a guy who was
in Over-Eaters Anonymous.
281
00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:55,081
Every time we had a fight,
he'd binge-eat hot fudge sundaes.
282
00:17:55,454 --> 00:17:59,948
In other words, ladies,
to drive your man crazy.
283
00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:04,026
He wants to have sex all the time.
It's getting a little out of hand.
284
00:18:04,096 --> 00:18:06,030
At least he wants to fuck you.
285
00:18:06,098 --> 00:18:08,225
- They were gay.
- So?
286
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:12,201
One minute they were interested and then,
suddenly they weren't.
287
00:18:12,304 --> 00:18:14,329
What did I do to turn them off?
288
00:18:14,874 --> 00:18:18,401
Not having a dick would be the thing
that you did to turn them off.
289
00:18:18,644 --> 00:18:20,942
You guys, I'm serious. This is rude.
290
00:18:21,547 --> 00:18:25,847
Use it to bring any man to his knees.
291
00:18:25,918 --> 00:18:27,783
With love, of course.
292
00:18:27,853 --> 00:18:30,287
Where was this bitch last night
when I needed her?
293
00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:34,658
Be quiet and you might learn something.
This lady is supposed to be a genius.
294
00:18:35,528 --> 00:18:39,965
If she's so good, why is she having
this workshop in her apartment?
295
00:18:40,032 --> 00:18:41,397
I don't know.
296
00:18:41,867 --> 00:18:45,894
Tantric sex is not about talk,
it's about action.
297
00:18:46,839 --> 00:18:48,807
Delayed action.
298
00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:53,535
So, without further delay...
299
00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:58,242
...let me introduce my husband.
300
00:18:58,451 --> 00:19:01,648
Dr. Ronny Shapiro.
301
00:19:03,589 --> 00:19:08,356
I will demonstrate the very effective...
302
00:19:08,694 --> 00:19:10,685
...Lingham Massage.
303
00:19:12,898 --> 00:19:15,867
I think I know why we're in an apartment.
304
00:19:16,735 --> 00:19:20,262
The receiver lies on his back...
305
00:19:20,473 --> 00:19:23,203
...before the giver, naked.
306
00:19:23,776 --> 00:19:28,338
Genitals clearly exposed for the massage.
307
00:19:28,481 --> 00:19:30,005
You're not writing.
308
00:19:30,115 --> 00:19:33,949
Take your time doing this.
309
00:19:34,687 --> 00:19:38,919
An hour and a half later, crippled by our
inability to look away from a car crash...
310
00:19:39,024 --> 00:19:43,051
...we watched as the Dr. Shapiro
illustrated tantric sex.
311
00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:46,426
Massage the head of the Lingham...
312
00:19:46,565 --> 00:19:49,466
...as if you are using an orange juicer.
313
00:19:50,035 --> 00:19:53,061
There go my good feelings about breakfast.
314
00:19:53,806 --> 00:19:55,740
Stop it! You're embarrassing me.
315
00:19:56,075 --> 00:19:58,475
We're the embarrassing part?
316
00:19:59,712 --> 00:20:02,579
Place your right hand...
317
00:20:02,815 --> 00:20:05,875
...on the receiver's Root chakra.
318
00:20:06,252 --> 00:20:07,583
Root!
319
00:20:07,753 --> 00:20:12,349
The Root chakra is located between
the anus and the genitals.
320
00:20:13,759 --> 00:20:16,250
I think that I just got my 50 bucks worth.
321
00:20:16,962 --> 00:20:21,956
Gently rock your hand
to awaken this chakra.
322
00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:26,032
Clinically referred to as perineum.
323
00:20:26,272 --> 00:20:29,605
Perineum: Latin for
"not without an engagement ring."
324
00:20:30,075 --> 00:20:33,408
Will the women who are laughing
compose themselves?
325
00:20:33,913 --> 00:20:34,971
Thank you.
326
00:20:35,314 --> 00:20:39,683
Orgasm is not the goal
of Lingham Massage...
327
00:20:39,752 --> 00:20:44,621
...but can be a pleasant
and very welcome side effect.
328
00:20:45,558 --> 00:20:48,618
Watch what I'm doing here.
329
00:20:50,062 --> 00:20:52,724
If you can master this...
330
00:20:52,932 --> 00:20:55,992
...your man will always be faithful.
331
00:20:57,236 --> 00:21:00,501
Because once they go tantric...
332
00:21:00,573 --> 00:21:03,133
...they don't go back.
333
00:21:04,376 --> 00:21:05,604
You go, girl.
334
00:21:06,779 --> 00:21:10,044
See that? Can you all see this?
335
00:21:13,285 --> 00:21:14,718
My God!
336
00:21:15,988 --> 00:21:17,046
He's gonna...
337
00:21:22,494 --> 00:21:25,725
And just like that,
Miranda got hit by Old Faithful.
338
00:21:27,933 --> 00:21:29,161
What's funny?
339
00:21:36,108 --> 00:21:40,340
After we talked Miranda in from
the ledge, I met Patrick for a movie.
340
00:21:40,479 --> 00:21:43,812
I was telling my sponsor today
how I felt about you...
341
00:21:44,016 --> 00:21:48,248
...and suddenly I realized
maybe I should just tell you.
342
00:21:51,457 --> 00:21:52,822
I love you.
343
00:21:53,025 --> 00:21:56,517
There it was, the little phrase
every girl is dying to hear...
344
00:21:56,595 --> 00:21:59,223
...a week and a half into a relationship.
345
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:03,962
Thanks and that's so...
346
00:22:06,205 --> 00:22:09,003
What? Too soon?
Is that what you're thinking?
347
00:22:09,708 --> 00:22:12,506
We have been going out for, like, a minute.
348
00:22:12,578 --> 00:22:14,842
Fuck that shit. I don't want to play games.
349
00:22:14,947 --> 00:22:17,381
I'm just trying to own my feelings.
350
00:22:18,283 --> 00:22:20,717
I love you. I said it.
351
00:22:20,986 --> 00:22:24,183
Mr. Casey, you do not love me...
352
00:22:24,556 --> 00:22:27,389
...you love you, not drinking, with me.
353
00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:29,393
No, I love you.
354
00:22:35,734 --> 00:22:37,668
I'm so flattered...
355
00:22:37,903 --> 00:22:41,134
...but I think maybe we should
slow down a little here.
356
00:22:41,206 --> 00:22:42,764
What does that mean?
357
00:22:43,542 --> 00:22:46,841
It means that things
are going very fast and...
358
00:22:46,912 --> 00:22:49,881
You have these new feelings
because you're not drinking...
359
00:22:50,082 --> 00:22:52,880
No, don't give me that program bullshit.
360
00:22:52,951 --> 00:22:55,545
This has nothing to do with drinking.
361
00:22:57,322 --> 00:22:58,812
I love you.
362
00:22:59,792 --> 00:23:02,283
Maybe we should spend a little time apart.
363
00:23:03,996 --> 00:23:05,429
I'll call you tomorrow.
364
00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:08,956
- I'm not coming up?
- Just a couple of nights.
365
00:23:09,835 --> 00:23:12,269
Are you breaking up with me? 'Cause if...
366
00:23:12,404 --> 00:23:15,965
I'm not breaking up with you.
I'm just going inside.
367
00:23:16,975 --> 00:23:18,306
Call me tomorrow.
368
00:23:18,911 --> 00:23:21,072
We'll do something next week, okay?
369
00:23:22,514 --> 00:23:24,345
What am I going to do now?
370
00:23:25,584 --> 00:23:27,745
You should go to a meeting.
371
00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:30,414
And then go home, and call me tomorrow.
372
00:23:33,292 --> 00:23:34,657
Goodnight.
373
00:23:35,427 --> 00:23:37,452
I'll see you next week.
374
00:23:39,598 --> 00:23:40,758
Go.
375
00:23:48,607 --> 00:23:50,802
Get yourself some cookies.
376
00:23:55,714 --> 00:23:58,114
Meanwhile, across town at Charlotte's...
377
00:23:58,217 --> 00:24:00,412
My God, what are you doing?
378
00:24:00,953 --> 00:24:02,420
My God.
379
00:24:03,622 --> 00:24:06,386
You are good. Sweet Christ!
380
00:24:06,692 --> 00:24:08,159
You are good!
381
00:24:09,194 --> 00:24:12,595
Charlotte considered it the best 50 bucks
she'd ever spent.
382
00:24:16,935 --> 00:24:21,895
It cost Miranda a little more, but across
town in her bed, things were good as well.
383
00:24:35,154 --> 00:24:36,678
Carrie!
384
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:50,131
What are you doing?
385
00:24:50,235 --> 00:24:53,102
Fuck you, you bitch!
386
00:24:53,438 --> 00:24:54,598
Shit!
387
00:24:54,706 --> 00:24:58,437
I loved you and you didn't love me.
388
00:24:59,044 --> 00:25:01,012
You fucking made me date you...
389
00:25:01,380 --> 00:25:04,872
...before the month and now I'm drunk.
390
00:25:06,151 --> 00:25:07,812
And I don't care!
391
00:25:10,989 --> 00:25:12,479
I love you!
392
00:25:13,458 --> 00:25:14,891
I love you!
393
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:16,923
Make love to me!
394
00:25:18,230 --> 00:25:21,495
What are you doing?
Don't take your clothes off.
395
00:25:22,401 --> 00:25:25,165
My first impulse was to go down
and rescue him...
396
00:25:25,237 --> 00:25:28,695
...but as I learned on our second date,
that would be co-dependent.
397
00:25:28,941 --> 00:25:31,535
Still, I felt I had to do something.
398
00:25:32,511 --> 00:25:34,843
Here, put this on, you'll get a cold.
399
00:25:35,380 --> 00:25:38,406
I hope I fucking die!
400
00:25:39,084 --> 00:25:41,052
Quiet, asshole, I'll call the cops!
401
00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:43,110
Shut the fuck up, dickweed!
402
00:25:44,356 --> 00:25:46,153
Carrie!
403
00:25:46,558 --> 00:25:49,925
You were the best fuck I ever had!
404
00:25:50,195 --> 00:25:52,789
Three weeks later,
I got a letter from Patrick...
405
00:25:52,898 --> 00:25:56,026
...saying he was back in the program
and wanted to make amends.
406
00:25:56,134 --> 00:25:58,967
I never saw him again
but I always wondered two things...
407
00:25:59,037 --> 00:26:00,868
Was he able to stay sober?
408
00:26:00,939 --> 00:26:03,339
Am I really that good in bed?
409
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:12,000
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410
00:26:22,000 --> 00:27:24,000
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