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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 0 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,000 Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew 1 00:00:47,728 --> 00:00:50,390 My friend Charlotte was dating Dr. Bram Walker... 2 00:00:50,497 --> 00:00:53,933 ...a very hardworking orthopedic surgeon. 3 00:00:55,202 --> 00:00:56,669 Bram? 4 00:01:00,374 --> 00:01:01,500 What? 5 00:01:01,942 --> 00:01:03,341 Were you asleep? 6 00:01:03,443 --> 00:01:05,741 No, I was just resting my eyes. 7 00:01:06,046 --> 00:01:07,479 My God. 8 00:01:08,281 --> 00:01:10,442 I fell asleep for one second. 9 00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:11,844 My God. 10 00:01:11,918 --> 00:01:14,250 I was up at 5:00, I had three carpal tunnels. 11 00:01:14,354 --> 00:01:17,152 It's very exhaustive reconstructive work. 12 00:01:18,525 --> 00:01:21,255 He fell asleep when he was making love to me. 13 00:01:21,862 --> 00:01:22,988 He fell asleep! 14 00:01:23,263 --> 00:01:26,494 He was tired. This has nothing to do with you. 15 00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:29,334 Has a man ever fallen asleep making love to you? 16 00:01:29,436 --> 00:01:32,803 No, but I'm sure many of them wanted to. 17 00:01:33,073 --> 00:01:35,473 I can't believe this happened to me! 18 00:01:35,542 --> 00:01:37,009 You want some herb tea? 19 00:01:37,577 --> 00:01:39,272 I must be really bad in bed. 20 00:01:39,379 --> 00:01:41,404 You are not bad in bed. 21 00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:43,813 I've got Constant Comment and... 22 00:01:44,217 --> 00:01:46,378 Do you want some Tummy Tamer? 23 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,182 Of course it's her. I have to say, I'm not surprised. 24 00:01:49,289 --> 00:01:52,725 Ever seen her on a Stairmaster? Nothing happening below the waist. 25 00:01:52,793 --> 00:01:54,055 Nada. No sale. 26 00:01:54,161 --> 00:01:55,685 How can you say that? 27 00:01:55,762 --> 00:02:00,256 Even if she was bad in bed, which she isn't, is it really that important? 28 00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:04,098 Absolutely. Who we are in bed is who we are in life. 29 00:02:04,171 --> 00:02:07,038 I never met a man who was bad in bed who was good at life. 30 00:02:07,107 --> 00:02:09,598 Just for the record, in bed, you are... 31 00:02:09,776 --> 00:02:11,607 Don't make me state the obvious. 32 00:02:11,711 --> 00:02:13,975 How can you be so sure? 33 00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:17,175 No one ever took a nap while fucking me... 34 00:02:17,317 --> 00:02:19,342 ...and I get affirmations all the time. 35 00:02:19,453 --> 00:02:20,579 Just last week... 36 00:02:20,987 --> 00:02:25,651 Last week, Samantha had dinner with a gay couple she'd known for years. 37 00:02:25,859 --> 00:02:27,417 David and David. 38 00:02:27,961 --> 00:02:31,055 Thanks for a lovely dinner. It was fun. 39 00:02:31,164 --> 00:02:33,598 I have to admit, we have an ulterior motive. 40 00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:35,092 What? 41 00:02:35,368 --> 00:02:38,269 We're wondering if you're seeing anyone special right now? 42 00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:40,038 Actually, no. 43 00:02:40,607 --> 00:02:42,507 Do you have a hot guy for me? 44 00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:45,336 Two. 45 00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:53,245 - No! - Yes! 46 00:02:53,353 --> 00:02:55,184 We want to have sex with a woman. 47 00:02:56,356 --> 00:02:58,415 - Are you serious? - Totally. 48 00:02:58,558 --> 00:02:59,957 I'm curious about it. 49 00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:03,257 We've never done it and we thought it might be fun. 50 00:03:03,330 --> 00:03:04,422 We were like: 51 00:03:04,698 --> 00:03:07,826 "If we were gonna do it with a woman, who would it be?" 52 00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:11,597 - Then we were like, Samantha. - Totally. 53 00:03:11,805 --> 00:03:16,606 We decided of all the beautiful women we know, you are probably the best in bed. 54 00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:18,168 Totally. 55 00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:20,844 Look at that! 56 00:03:21,381 --> 00:03:24,680 I'm thinking about doing it. They're cute, they're healthy. 57 00:03:24,784 --> 00:03:26,012 They're gay! 58 00:03:26,119 --> 00:03:29,054 For a sex columnist, you have a limited view of sexuality. 59 00:03:29,422 --> 00:03:31,083 Gay as pink suede. 60 00:03:31,157 --> 00:03:32,852 Wake up. It's 2000. 61 00:03:33,293 --> 00:03:37,354 The new millennium won't be about sexual labels, it'll be about sexual expression. 62 00:03:37,564 --> 00:03:39,964 It won't matter if you're sleeping with men or women. 63 00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:42,194 It'll be about sleeping with individuals. 64 00:03:42,269 --> 00:03:44,134 Or in your case, twos or threes. 65 00:03:44,237 --> 00:03:48,537 Soon everyone will be pansexual. It won't matter if you're gay or straight. 66 00:03:48,608 --> 00:03:51,543 - Just if you're good or bad in bed. - Exactly. 67 00:03:52,879 --> 00:03:55,507 That night I got to thinking about bed. 68 00:03:55,582 --> 00:03:59,484 Are we secretly being graded every time we invite someone to join us in it? 69 00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:02,215 A plus, B, D, incomplete. 70 00:04:02,489 --> 00:04:05,686 Is making love really nothing more than a pop quiz? 71 00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:10,229 If sex is a test, how do we know if we're passing or failing? 72 00:04:10,597 --> 00:04:12,861 How do you know if you're good in bed? 73 00:04:15,135 --> 00:04:19,299 Later on, I was walking home thinking about my sexual report card when... 74 00:04:22,409 --> 00:04:23,899 What the hell... 75 00:04:24,711 --> 00:04:27,942 Christ, I'm sorry. I didn't see you. I threw my cigarette. 76 00:04:28,582 --> 00:04:31,176 I thought I was stung by a bee. Jesus! 77 00:04:31,251 --> 00:04:33,845 I'm sorry. Did it leave a mark? 78 00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:37,189 You can't smoke in the restaurant. I'm a smoker. 79 00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:40,623 I'm a smoker too, but watch where you throw those things? 80 00:04:43,163 --> 00:04:44,960 No, it didn't leave a mark. 81 00:04:45,031 --> 00:04:47,795 As the pain subsided, my mind was free to notice... 82 00:04:47,867 --> 00:04:50,199 ...how incredibly cute this guy was. 83 00:04:50,303 --> 00:04:53,466 I am sorry. My name's Patrick Casey. 84 00:04:53,807 --> 00:04:55,900 Carrie Bradshaw, burn victim. 85 00:04:57,177 --> 00:04:59,771 How weird was that? That was intense. 86 00:04:59,846 --> 00:05:02,610 You gotta admit, it's a clever way to meet the ladies. 87 00:05:03,049 --> 00:05:06,041 You got a little comedy routine going there? 88 00:05:06,152 --> 00:05:07,585 Little bit. 89 00:05:08,088 --> 00:05:10,022 Listen, I really feel bad. 90 00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:13,356 At least let me buy you a coffee, or some burn salve? 91 00:05:13,893 --> 00:05:15,827 - Not funny yet. - Sorry. 92 00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:18,996 But it might be after a cappuccino. 93 00:05:19,265 --> 00:05:23,065 There's a place right around the corner. We can smoke there. 94 00:05:23,503 --> 00:05:26,802 Three Marlboros and two Marlboro Lights later I had learned... 95 00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:29,704 ...Patrick was a composer, writing music for movies. 96 00:05:29,843 --> 00:05:32,141 What type of movies do you compose for? 97 00:05:32,245 --> 00:05:33,644 Really bad ones. 98 00:05:34,314 --> 00:05:37,977 The I Screamed When I Knew What You Did Last Summer On Elm Street types. 99 00:05:38,184 --> 00:05:41,483 As long as you're challenged by what you do. 100 00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:46,881 Dammit. Patrick Casey, whoever you are. 101 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,355 I'm late. I have to go. 102 00:05:49,896 --> 00:05:51,659 Thank you for the coffee. 103 00:05:52,432 --> 00:05:55,560 Maybe one day you'll give me scar tissue again. 104 00:05:56,936 --> 00:05:58,870 - You're great. - Thanks. 105 00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:02,365 As I walked away, I started to think... 106 00:06:02,642 --> 00:06:06,908 How many cute, smart, single smokers are there left in the world? Seven? 107 00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:11,117 I decided to do something I almost never do... 108 00:06:11,217 --> 00:06:13,378 Give a man my phone number. 109 00:06:14,921 --> 00:06:18,288 This whole burn lawsuit I plan to initiate... 110 00:06:18,658 --> 00:06:23,186 ...it might get a little crazy, so here is my phone number. 111 00:06:23,329 --> 00:06:25,627 You will need that for your attorney... 112 00:06:25,699 --> 00:06:28,600 ...or if you want to have coffee again sometime. 113 00:06:29,135 --> 00:06:33,572 I left feeling great. It was such a cute approach. How could he not call? 114 00:06:34,074 --> 00:06:36,975 How could he not call? It's been three days. 115 00:06:37,143 --> 00:06:41,239 Give him 12 more hours and then send him off to the island of lost men. 116 00:06:41,414 --> 00:06:43,405 I don't wanna send him there, I like him. 117 00:06:43,516 --> 00:06:47,543 Could you believe that someone actually had the nerve to call this Florentine Peach? 118 00:06:47,954 --> 00:06:50,514 I can't believe you spent this much on sheets. 119 00:06:50,657 --> 00:06:54,115 It's an experiment. I'm trying to change my bed karma. 120 00:06:54,427 --> 00:06:57,988 I figure if I can make my bed a place I really want to be... 121 00:06:58,064 --> 00:07:00,123 ...others will feel the same way. 122 00:07:00,467 --> 00:07:01,798 The field of dreams. 123 00:07:02,035 --> 00:07:04,663 Exactly. "If you build it, he will come." 124 00:07:04,971 --> 00:07:09,806 The thing that gets me is, I'm not usually wrong about the phone number size-up. 125 00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:12,776 I don't put it out there unless I'm sure it's coming back. 126 00:07:12,846 --> 00:07:16,748 I'm either really loving or hating the color. 127 00:07:17,317 --> 00:07:18,716 He thinks I'm ugly. 128 00:07:18,785 --> 00:07:21,276 My God. Get a grip. 129 00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:24,813 A guy doesn't call you for three days and you're ugly? 130 00:07:24,924 --> 00:07:27,518 - What's your point? - Pillowcase. 131 00:07:28,027 --> 00:07:31,793 It's amazing. We can feel totally good about ourselves... 132 00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:36,925 ...and then it all goes out the window if the guy doesn't mirror it back to us. 133 00:07:37,737 --> 00:07:39,898 This has a little weird thing here. 134 00:07:40,273 --> 00:07:43,765 Dammit. Does everything I bring into this bedroom have to have a flaw? 135 00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:51,213 The next day I was in the Village looking for the perfect $7 dress... 136 00:07:51,317 --> 00:07:53,478 ...to go with my $300 shoes, when... 137 00:07:54,487 --> 00:07:57,183 I had a choice. I could turn around and run away... 138 00:07:57,290 --> 00:08:00,225 ...or I could smile, be brave and walk on over. 139 00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:05,157 Hi. 140 00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:09,391 So what? Saturday's the day you stand on the street and smoke in the Village? 141 00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:12,196 Hi, I'm Carrie. 142 00:08:12,705 --> 00:08:15,936 - We're kind of in the middle of something. - Right, sure. 143 00:08:17,443 --> 00:08:19,536 Bye. I was on my way to Perry Street. 144 00:08:19,612 --> 00:08:20,977 This is Perry Street. 145 00:08:21,281 --> 00:08:23,374 Bleecker, I meant Bleecker. 146 00:08:23,983 --> 00:08:26,383 Okay, bye. Goodbye to you, too. 147 00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:36,893 - Let me explain. - No, I'm embarrassed. 148 00:08:36,996 --> 00:08:40,261 You're obviously in the middle of a thing with your lover... 149 00:08:40,366 --> 00:08:42,129 ...or whoever and I'm there... 150 00:08:42,635 --> 00:08:44,000 I'm not gay. 151 00:08:45,071 --> 00:08:47,039 I'm an alcoholic. 152 00:08:47,307 --> 00:08:49,400 We were waiting for a meeting to start. 153 00:08:49,542 --> 00:08:52,909 I wanted to introduce you but it's supposed to be anonymous. 154 00:08:53,112 --> 00:08:55,876 I really wasn't getting the gay vibe from you. 155 00:08:56,216 --> 00:08:58,616 It's just, he was so cute and... 156 00:08:59,319 --> 00:09:01,150 - I never called. - Right. 157 00:09:01,454 --> 00:09:04,719 I was freaked. I've only been in the program 11 months... 158 00:09:04,791 --> 00:09:08,921 ...and my sponsor said I really shouldn't get involved with someone for a year. 159 00:09:11,164 --> 00:09:14,133 Okay, maybe you'll call me in a month. 160 00:09:14,601 --> 00:09:17,092 It doesn't bother you that I'm an alcoholic? 161 00:09:17,303 --> 00:09:21,330 God, no. I love alcoholics. Hell, I hope to be one someday. 162 00:09:22,508 --> 00:09:25,068 - That was a joke. - That's not funny, yet. 163 00:09:25,245 --> 00:09:27,736 But it might be after a cappuccino. 164 00:09:27,947 --> 00:09:30,507 What the fuck, it's only a couple of weeks. 165 00:09:30,583 --> 00:09:32,608 Would you like to go on a date sometime? 166 00:09:32,852 --> 00:09:34,911 I can't think why not. 167 00:09:35,321 --> 00:09:36,879 You call me. 168 00:09:37,624 --> 00:09:41,287 I accepted his kind invitation because when you think about it... 169 00:09:41,361 --> 00:09:43,659 ...aren't we all in recovery from something? 170 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:47,131 Drinking? Drugging? Our last relationship? 171 00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:51,068 On our first date, Patrick and I went for coffee. 172 00:09:51,204 --> 00:09:56,198 I'm really compulsive. If I open up a bag of Chips Ahoy, I gotta eat the whole thing. 173 00:09:56,676 --> 00:10:00,510 I'm like that with Reese's Pieces. Reese's Pieces and shoes. 174 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,945 Wouldn't the shoes be a little tough on digestion? 175 00:10:06,185 --> 00:10:08,016 This is me. 176 00:10:08,655 --> 00:10:11,886 Thank you, Mr. Casey. I had a great time. 177 00:10:12,358 --> 00:10:15,327 No, Miss Burn Victim. I had the great time. 178 00:10:16,229 --> 00:10:20,996 Then I gave him my very best lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move. 179 00:10:31,844 --> 00:10:35,371 Our next date, over dinner, he told me about working his 12 steps. 180 00:10:35,648 --> 00:10:39,414 After dinner, I stood on my third step trying to work him. 181 00:10:39,552 --> 00:10:41,884 That smell is amazing. What is that? 182 00:10:42,522 --> 00:10:43,648 Me. 183 00:10:46,459 --> 00:10:48,484 I'll call you. 184 00:10:49,529 --> 00:10:51,656 I couldn't figure it out. 185 00:10:56,703 --> 00:11:00,639 I knew he wanted me, because during my lean-in-and-kiss-me-goodnight move... 186 00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:04,232 ...I'd accidentally, on purpose felt his pop-up-and-say-hello. 187 00:11:04,777 --> 00:11:06,335 What was going on? 188 00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:11,542 By the third date, I wanted him even more than a fistful of Reese's Pieces. 189 00:11:15,488 --> 00:11:17,353 Well then, goodnight. 190 00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:20,754 That was that. I'd hit my humiliation limit. 191 00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:25,456 Then I thought, how many cute, smart, sexy, single, smoking alcoholics... 192 00:11:25,531 --> 00:11:28,159 ...are there left in the world? Five? 193 00:11:41,547 --> 00:11:43,538 Do you want to come up? 194 00:11:44,817 --> 00:11:49,015 But you see, the thing is, I've never had sex sober. 195 00:11:49,322 --> 00:11:53,782 I've always been drunk or high. I don't know if I'll be any good. 196 00:11:55,395 --> 00:11:58,853 What the hell? Let's take it one step at a time. 197 00:12:12,845 --> 00:12:15,211 Sex is amazing. 198 00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:19,217 It feels so fucking amazing. 199 00:12:19,552 --> 00:12:21,986 Do other people know about this? 200 00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:27,349 All right! I did it! Sex without beer! 201 00:12:32,432 --> 00:12:33,729 Easy, cowboy. 202 00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:35,361 You! 203 00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:38,228 What about you! You are the best. 204 00:12:38,471 --> 00:12:40,632 You weren't half bad yourself. 205 00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:42,834 You are the best. 206 00:12:43,342 --> 00:12:45,776 - You're the best. - I aim to please. 207 00:12:48,081 --> 00:12:50,982 After we have a cigarette... 208 00:12:55,354 --> 00:12:57,219 ...can we do it again? 209 00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:03,857 I'll have a Spanish omelet, hash browns, more coffee and orange juice. 210 00:13:05,531 --> 00:13:08,694 Can I have some rice pudding for later? Thanks. 211 00:13:08,968 --> 00:13:10,663 Storing up for winter? 212 00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:13,568 No, I'm starving. Patrick and I... 213 00:13:13,906 --> 00:13:15,897 All last night and I'm just... 214 00:13:16,142 --> 00:13:18,406 No, don't stop, it's okay. 215 00:13:18,511 --> 00:13:21,207 Just because I'm bad in bed doesn't mean everybody is. 216 00:13:21,314 --> 00:13:22,645 One more time. 217 00:13:23,182 --> 00:13:24,979 You are not bad in bed. 218 00:13:25,084 --> 00:13:28,349 Really? Has a man ever fallen asleep making love to you? 219 00:13:28,454 --> 00:13:32,550 No, but I once fell asleep when a guy was doing me. It was the ludes. 220 00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:33,614 It's okay. 221 00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:38,394 I'm mature enough to realize that while I may be good at some things like... 222 00:13:38,798 --> 00:13:42,461 ...accessories, that I might need help in others like... 223 00:13:43,236 --> 00:13:45,363 - Fucking? - Making love. 224 00:13:46,939 --> 00:13:49,703 So, I'm taking a class. 225 00:13:49,842 --> 00:13:51,332 A fucking class? 226 00:13:51,644 --> 00:13:54,044 No, a tantric sex workshop. 227 00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:57,611 Just don't drink any suspicious Kool-Aid or put on new Nikes. 228 00:13:57,850 --> 00:14:01,513 It's not like that. It's taught by a well-respected woman psychologist. 229 00:14:01,954 --> 00:14:04,445 It's called "How To Please A Man." 230 00:14:04,857 --> 00:14:08,190 I know how to please a man. Just give away most of your power. 231 00:14:09,295 --> 00:14:12,230 I have a trainer for the gym. I can have a trainer for... 232 00:14:12,431 --> 00:14:14,991 - Fucking? - Please stop saying that. 233 00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:18,402 Are you actually going to do this? 234 00:14:20,673 --> 00:14:23,471 Seating was limited, so I signed you guys up. 235 00:14:24,177 --> 00:14:27,112 Please? I can't go alone. 236 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,381 If Bram ever falls asleep on me again, I will die. 237 00:14:30,516 --> 00:14:32,507 Pretty please, with sugar on it? 238 00:14:33,119 --> 00:14:34,347 Christ, I'm in. 239 00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:38,749 What the hell, I don't exactly have them hanging from the rafters. 240 00:14:38,824 --> 00:14:40,121 "How To Please A Man." 241 00:14:40,826 --> 00:14:43,021 I could teach the damn class. 242 00:14:45,231 --> 00:14:46,391 All right. 243 00:14:50,736 --> 00:14:53,534 That night, while David and David got undressed... 244 00:14:53,606 --> 00:14:55,699 ...and waited for her in the bedroom. 245 00:14:55,808 --> 00:14:59,175 Samantha began to wonder if maybe she was about to go too far. 246 00:14:59,412 --> 00:15:02,745 Was she actually capable of being this sexually free? 247 00:15:02,949 --> 00:15:05,474 Or was she getting in over her head? 248 00:15:05,918 --> 00:15:10,480 She decided before there were regrets, they should all talk about it a little more. 249 00:15:12,158 --> 00:15:14,649 Listen, David and David, maybe... 250 00:15:15,628 --> 00:15:16,959 You look amazing. 251 00:15:17,063 --> 00:15:19,793 Just like Jean Harlow in Red Dust. 252 00:15:19,865 --> 00:15:23,392 Samantha loved the Samantha mirrored through the eyes of the Davids. 253 00:15:23,836 --> 00:15:25,167 What the hell? 254 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:10,413 - They're so soft. - I know. 255 00:16:24,764 --> 00:16:28,291 - I can't do this. - Neither can I. 256 00:16:30,870 --> 00:16:32,303 But I... 257 00:16:33,339 --> 00:16:35,967 - We're just getting start... - No, can't. 258 00:16:36,208 --> 00:16:38,506 - I'm sorry. - Sorry. 259 00:16:38,611 --> 00:16:40,977 It's very pretty, but no. 260 00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:43,815 It's not you, it's us. 261 00:16:43,983 --> 00:16:47,783 I have an idea. Let's all put on our clothes and go out for gelati! 262 00:16:47,853 --> 00:16:49,946 - Cheesecake. - Whatever. 263 00:16:53,192 --> 00:16:57,356 Suddenly, Samantha wasn't feeling so good about herself in bed. 264 00:17:02,868 --> 00:17:07,669 I gotta go or I'm going to be late for the tantric workshop thing. 265 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,434 Baby, you don't need a workshop. 266 00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:12,637 You are amazing. 267 00:17:12,878 --> 00:17:15,779 Come on, one more time. 268 00:17:16,415 --> 00:17:18,883 We did it last night and all this morning. 269 00:17:19,051 --> 00:17:21,815 I could have sex with you morning, noon and night. 270 00:17:22,021 --> 00:17:25,616 That's when I realized it. Mr. Compulsive wasn't in bed with me... 271 00:17:25,725 --> 00:17:27,158 More, c'mon. 272 00:17:27,259 --> 00:17:29,921 ...he was in bed with a big bag of Chips Ahoy. 273 00:17:29,995 --> 00:17:31,019 More. 274 00:17:31,530 --> 00:17:34,090 The intent of tantric... 275 00:17:34,166 --> 00:17:37,602 ...we say "sacred sexuality..." 276 00:17:37,837 --> 00:17:41,432 ...is to experience and merge with the Divine. 277 00:17:42,041 --> 00:17:44,202 I think Patrick's addicted to me. 278 00:17:44,276 --> 00:17:46,870 It's like he's replaced drinking with me. 279 00:17:46,946 --> 00:17:48,538 Program guys are tough. 280 00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:51,275 I dated a guy who was in Over-Eaters Anonymous. 281 00:17:51,350 --> 00:17:55,081 Every time we had a fight, he'd binge-eat hot fudge sundaes. 282 00:17:55,454 --> 00:17:59,948 In other words, ladies, to drive your man crazy. 283 00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:04,026 He wants to have sex all the time. It's getting a little out of hand. 284 00:18:04,096 --> 00:18:06,030 At least he wants to fuck you. 285 00:18:06,098 --> 00:18:08,225 - They were gay. - So? 286 00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:12,201 One minute they were interested and then, suddenly they weren't. 287 00:18:12,304 --> 00:18:14,329 What did I do to turn them off? 288 00:18:14,874 --> 00:18:18,401 Not having a dick would be the thing that you did to turn them off. 289 00:18:18,644 --> 00:18:20,942 You guys, I'm serious. This is rude. 290 00:18:21,547 --> 00:18:25,847 Use it to bring any man to his knees. 291 00:18:25,918 --> 00:18:27,783 With love, of course. 292 00:18:27,853 --> 00:18:30,287 Where was this bitch last night when I needed her? 293 00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:34,658 Be quiet and you might learn something. This lady is supposed to be a genius. 294 00:18:35,528 --> 00:18:39,965 If she's so good, why is she having this workshop in her apartment? 295 00:18:40,032 --> 00:18:41,397 I don't know. 296 00:18:41,867 --> 00:18:45,894 Tantric sex is not about talk, it's about action. 297 00:18:46,839 --> 00:18:48,807 Delayed action. 298 00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:53,535 So, without further delay... 299 00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:58,242 ...let me introduce my husband. 300 00:18:58,451 --> 00:19:01,648 Dr. Ronny Shapiro. 301 00:19:03,589 --> 00:19:08,356 I will demonstrate the very effective... 302 00:19:08,694 --> 00:19:10,685 ...Lingham Massage. 303 00:19:12,898 --> 00:19:15,867 I think I know why we're in an apartment. 304 00:19:16,735 --> 00:19:20,262 The receiver lies on his back... 305 00:19:20,473 --> 00:19:23,203 ...before the giver, naked. 306 00:19:23,776 --> 00:19:28,338 Genitals clearly exposed for the massage. 307 00:19:28,481 --> 00:19:30,005 You're not writing. 308 00:19:30,115 --> 00:19:33,949 Take your time doing this. 309 00:19:34,687 --> 00:19:38,919 An hour and a half later, crippled by our inability to look away from a car crash... 310 00:19:39,024 --> 00:19:43,051 ...we watched as the Dr. Shapiro illustrated tantric sex. 311 00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:46,426 Massage the head of the Lingham... 312 00:19:46,565 --> 00:19:49,466 ...as if you are using an orange juicer. 313 00:19:50,035 --> 00:19:53,061 There go my good feelings about breakfast. 314 00:19:53,806 --> 00:19:55,740 Stop it! You're embarrassing me. 315 00:19:56,075 --> 00:19:58,475 We're the embarrassing part? 316 00:19:59,712 --> 00:20:02,579 Place your right hand... 317 00:20:02,815 --> 00:20:05,875 ...on the receiver's Root chakra. 318 00:20:06,252 --> 00:20:07,583 Root! 319 00:20:07,753 --> 00:20:12,349 The Root chakra is located between the anus and the genitals. 320 00:20:13,759 --> 00:20:16,250 I think that I just got my 50 bucks worth. 321 00:20:16,962 --> 00:20:21,956 Gently rock your hand to awaken this chakra. 322 00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:26,032 Clinically referred to as perineum. 323 00:20:26,272 --> 00:20:29,605 Perineum: Latin for "not without an engagement ring." 324 00:20:30,075 --> 00:20:33,408 Will the women who are laughing compose themselves? 325 00:20:33,913 --> 00:20:34,971 Thank you. 326 00:20:35,314 --> 00:20:39,683 Orgasm is not the goal of Lingham Massage... 327 00:20:39,752 --> 00:20:44,621 ...but can be a pleasant and very welcome side effect. 328 00:20:45,558 --> 00:20:48,618 Watch what I'm doing here. 329 00:20:50,062 --> 00:20:52,724 If you can master this... 330 00:20:52,932 --> 00:20:55,992 ...your man will always be faithful. 331 00:20:57,236 --> 00:21:00,501 Because once they go tantric... 332 00:21:00,573 --> 00:21:03,133 ...they don't go back. 333 00:21:04,376 --> 00:21:05,604 You go, girl. 334 00:21:06,779 --> 00:21:10,044 See that? Can you all see this? 335 00:21:13,285 --> 00:21:14,718 My God! 336 00:21:15,988 --> 00:21:17,046 He's gonna... 337 00:21:22,494 --> 00:21:25,725 And just like that, Miranda got hit by Old Faithful. 338 00:21:27,933 --> 00:21:29,161 What's funny? 339 00:21:36,108 --> 00:21:40,340 After we talked Miranda in from the ledge, I met Patrick for a movie. 340 00:21:40,479 --> 00:21:43,812 I was telling my sponsor today how I felt about you... 341 00:21:44,016 --> 00:21:48,248 ...and suddenly I realized maybe I should just tell you. 342 00:21:51,457 --> 00:21:52,822 I love you. 343 00:21:53,025 --> 00:21:56,517 There it was, the little phrase every girl is dying to hear... 344 00:21:56,595 --> 00:21:59,223 ...a week and a half into a relationship. 345 00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:03,962 Thanks and that's so... 346 00:22:06,205 --> 00:22:09,003 What? Too soon? Is that what you're thinking? 347 00:22:09,708 --> 00:22:12,506 We have been going out for, like, a minute. 348 00:22:12,578 --> 00:22:14,842 Fuck that shit. I don't want to play games. 349 00:22:14,947 --> 00:22:17,381 I'm just trying to own my feelings. 350 00:22:18,283 --> 00:22:20,717 I love you. I said it. 351 00:22:20,986 --> 00:22:24,183 Mr. Casey, you do not love me... 352 00:22:24,556 --> 00:22:27,389 ...you love you, not drinking, with me. 353 00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:29,393 No, I love you. 354 00:22:35,734 --> 00:22:37,668 I'm so flattered... 355 00:22:37,903 --> 00:22:41,134 ...but I think maybe we should slow down a little here. 356 00:22:41,206 --> 00:22:42,764 What does that mean? 357 00:22:43,542 --> 00:22:46,841 It means that things are going very fast and... 358 00:22:46,912 --> 00:22:49,881 You have these new feelings because you're not drinking... 359 00:22:50,082 --> 00:22:52,880 No, don't give me that program bullshit. 360 00:22:52,951 --> 00:22:55,545 This has nothing to do with drinking. 361 00:22:57,322 --> 00:22:58,812 I love you. 362 00:22:59,792 --> 00:23:02,283 Maybe we should spend a little time apart. 363 00:23:03,996 --> 00:23:05,429 I'll call you tomorrow. 364 00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:08,956 - I'm not coming up? - Just a couple of nights. 365 00:23:09,835 --> 00:23:12,269 Are you breaking up with me? 'Cause if... 366 00:23:12,404 --> 00:23:15,965 I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just going inside. 367 00:23:16,975 --> 00:23:18,306 Call me tomorrow. 368 00:23:18,911 --> 00:23:21,072 We'll do something next week, okay? 369 00:23:22,514 --> 00:23:24,345 What am I going to do now? 370 00:23:25,584 --> 00:23:27,745 You should go to a meeting. 371 00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:30,414 And then go home, and call me tomorrow. 372 00:23:33,292 --> 00:23:34,657 Goodnight. 373 00:23:35,427 --> 00:23:37,452 I'll see you next week. 374 00:23:39,598 --> 00:23:40,758 Go. 375 00:23:48,607 --> 00:23:50,802 Get yourself some cookies. 376 00:23:55,714 --> 00:23:58,114 Meanwhile, across town at Charlotte's... 377 00:23:58,217 --> 00:24:00,412 My God, what are you doing? 378 00:24:00,953 --> 00:24:02,420 My God. 379 00:24:03,622 --> 00:24:06,386 You are good. Sweet Christ! 380 00:24:06,692 --> 00:24:08,159 You are good! 381 00:24:09,194 --> 00:24:12,595 Charlotte considered it the best 50 bucks she'd ever spent. 382 00:24:16,935 --> 00:24:21,895 It cost Miranda a little more, but across town in her bed, things were good as well. 383 00:24:35,154 --> 00:24:36,678 Carrie! 384 00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:50,131 What are you doing? 385 00:24:50,235 --> 00:24:53,102 Fuck you, you bitch! 386 00:24:53,438 --> 00:24:54,598 Shit! 387 00:24:54,706 --> 00:24:58,437 I loved you and you didn't love me. 388 00:24:59,044 --> 00:25:01,012 You fucking made me date you... 389 00:25:01,380 --> 00:25:04,872 ...before the month and now I'm drunk. 390 00:25:06,151 --> 00:25:07,812 And I don't care! 391 00:25:10,989 --> 00:25:12,479 I love you! 392 00:25:13,458 --> 00:25:14,891 I love you! 393 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:16,923 Make love to me! 394 00:25:18,230 --> 00:25:21,495 What are you doing? Don't take your clothes off. 395 00:25:22,401 --> 00:25:25,165 My first impulse was to go down and rescue him... 396 00:25:25,237 --> 00:25:28,695 ...but as I learned on our second date, that would be co-dependent. 397 00:25:28,941 --> 00:25:31,535 Still, I felt I had to do something. 398 00:25:32,511 --> 00:25:34,843 Here, put this on, you'll get a cold. 399 00:25:35,380 --> 00:25:38,406 I hope I fucking die! 400 00:25:39,084 --> 00:25:41,052 Quiet, asshole, I'll call the cops! 401 00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:43,110 Shut the fuck up, dickweed! 402 00:25:44,356 --> 00:25:46,153 Carrie! 403 00:25:46,558 --> 00:25:49,925 You were the best fuck I ever had! 404 00:25:50,195 --> 00:25:52,789 Three weeks later, I got a letter from Patrick... 405 00:25:52,898 --> 00:25:56,026 ...saying he was back in the program and wanted to make amends. 406 00:25:56,134 --> 00:25:58,967 I never saw him again but I always wondered two things... 407 00:25:59,037 --> 00:26:00,868 Was he able to stay sober? 408 00:26:00,939 --> 00:26:03,339 Am I really that good in bed? 409 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:12,000 Translation And Subtitles By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles 410 00:26:22,000 --> 00:27:24,000 Ripped by RavyDavy part of the [RL] Crew32193

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