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Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
1
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Two years ago, my friend Susan Sharon...
2
00:00:51,365 --> 00:00:54,801
...the East Coast rep for a line
of Italian cashmere sportswear...
3
00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:56,366
...married a very mean man.
4
00:00:56,603 --> 00:00:59,401
What did I tell you
about listening to my CDs?
5
00:00:59,973 --> 00:01:04,535
You put Natalie lmbruglia back in U2!
6
00:01:05,212 --> 00:01:07,442
Now, I only see her once or twice a year...
7
00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:09,744
...generally when
her husband is out of town.
8
00:01:09,816 --> 00:01:13,343
Now, I can't remember if I've taken
my Halcion before dinner or not.
9
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:16,753
So I take another one, I have a cocktail,
I'm feeling no pain.
10
00:01:16,823 --> 00:01:20,623
The next thing I know, this freaked out
stewardess is slapping me awake.
11
00:01:24,798 --> 00:01:28,393
I open my eyes, I look around the plane,
it's completely empty.
12
00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:32,427
- We'd landed in Milan 30 minutes ago.
- My God.
13
00:01:32,939 --> 00:01:35,772
Come up to my apartment
because I have something for you.
14
00:01:39,312 --> 00:01:42,509
The place looks fantastic!
15
00:01:43,150 --> 00:01:44,617
Richard's asleep.
16
00:01:45,218 --> 00:01:46,378
In here?
17
00:01:47,187 --> 00:01:50,588
Susan Sharon and her husband
had one of those very adult apartments...
18
00:01:50,757 --> 00:01:53,954
...that made me feel like I was 16
visiting the home of a friend...
19
00:01:54,161 --> 00:01:57,028
...whose parents thought
I was a bad influence.
20
00:01:58,298 --> 00:02:01,461
Happy birthday, Carrie.
21
00:02:01,568 --> 00:02:02,762
You didn't have to.
22
00:02:02,836 --> 00:02:04,599
I know it's a little early.
23
00:02:09,009 --> 00:02:11,569
It's beautiful.
24
00:02:11,645 --> 00:02:14,773
It's 100 percent Italian cashmere
and light as a feather.
25
00:02:14,881 --> 00:02:16,439
God, I love it.
26
00:02:16,716 --> 00:02:18,308
It's a "cashmere-ical."
27
00:02:18,852 --> 00:02:21,616
- Guess what Barneys gets for this.
- Don't tell me.
28
00:02:21,688 --> 00:02:25,180
- $900.
- $900 for a scarf? No.
29
00:02:27,627 --> 00:02:31,028
- Do you mind if I return it? I need cash.
- Why not?
30
00:02:31,097 --> 00:02:33,588
Why do you think they call it "cash-mere"?
31
00:02:36,803 --> 00:02:39,795
- What the hell is going on?
- Sorry, honey.
32
00:02:39,906 --> 00:02:42,841
- But Carrie had this idea about returning...
- What...
33
00:02:43,009 --> 00:02:46,206
...was our agreement
about visitors after 9:00 p.m.?
34
00:02:46,746 --> 00:02:49,840
- I know, it's her birthday.
- I'm on London time!
35
00:02:50,350 --> 00:02:53,751
I've got to be up in three hours
when the markets open.
36
00:02:54,087 --> 00:02:58,854
I'd really appreciate it if you'd take
the fucking noise somewhere else.
37
00:02:59,159 --> 00:03:02,322
- I'll call you.
- Just ignore him. You don't have to leave.
38
00:03:02,395 --> 00:03:04,090
It's okay.
39
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,969
- Goodnight, Grumpy.
- Get the fuck out of my house!
40
00:03:10,136 --> 00:03:14,095
Taunting the psychotic spouse,
I realized, was not a wise move.
41
00:03:14,174 --> 00:03:15,766
Just shut the fuck up!
42
00:03:18,845 --> 00:03:19,834
I wondered...
43
00:03:19,946 --> 00:03:24,849
...could their marriage be that bad,
or was their fighting a form of foreplay?
44
00:03:25,118 --> 00:03:28,315
In which case, I was merely
the catalyst to get things going.
45
00:03:35,896 --> 00:03:37,625
I am so sorry.
46
00:03:37,864 --> 00:03:39,126
I'm so embarrassed.
47
00:03:39,199 --> 00:03:40,188
Don't be.
48
00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:43,259
He's just tired and cranky.
49
00:03:43,336 --> 00:03:44,997
That was classic Richard:
50
00:03:45,105 --> 00:03:49,542
Tyrannical, emotionally abusive.
I don't know what to do anymore.
51
00:03:49,809 --> 00:03:52,801
Maybe there were
special circumstances tonight.
52
00:03:52,979 --> 00:03:55,004
He works hard. He's sleep deprived.
53
00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:57,106
Blah, blah, blah. I don't give a shit!
54
00:04:00,787 --> 00:04:03,415
What would you do? Would you leave?
55
00:04:03,557 --> 00:04:05,684
If things didn't change...
56
00:04:05,792 --> 00:04:08,761
They haven't, and they won't.
57
00:04:10,897 --> 00:04:12,922
Do you think I should leave him?
58
00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:16,961
If you're not happy,
you know, life's too short.
59
00:04:18,738 --> 00:04:19,727
I gotta go.
60
00:04:19,806 --> 00:04:25,142
As I hung up, I realized I had been placed
in a classic no-win situation.
61
00:04:25,278 --> 00:04:28,577
Telling a friend to leave her husband
is something you just don't do.
62
00:04:28,782 --> 00:04:30,875
If they do break up, it's your fault.
63
00:04:31,184 --> 00:04:34,176
If they don't,
she knows you think they should...
64
00:04:34,254 --> 00:04:37,553
...and therefore, can't speak to you again.
You're screwed.
65
00:04:37,657 --> 00:04:40,455
It's a shame.
There goes your cashmere connection.
66
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,587
She had me at a weak moment. I was
tired, I'd been chased out of her apartment.
67
00:04:44,731 --> 00:04:46,289
I have a birthday looming.
68
00:04:47,834 --> 00:04:51,600
- I said too much.
- No, in an intimate relationship...
69
00:04:51,705 --> 00:04:54,401
...you should be able to say anything.
- I disagree.
70
00:04:54,507 --> 00:04:58,409
Practically all the relationships I know
are based on a foundation of lies...
71
00:04:58,578 --> 00:05:00,136
...and mutual delusion.
72
00:05:00,847 --> 00:05:05,477
James and me, for instance.
I pretend he doesn't have a small dick.
73
00:05:05,752 --> 00:05:08,516
He pretends not to notice
we haven't had sex in weeks.
74
00:05:08,588 --> 00:05:09,987
You should join the U.N.
75
00:05:10,056 --> 00:05:12,854
I'm in an intimate relationship
at the moment...
76
00:05:12,926 --> 00:05:18,330
...and I can tell you, the level of verbal
discourse has become a little too intimate.
77
00:05:18,498 --> 00:05:22,127
- Are we speaking of Spring Roll Guy?
- Who's that?
78
00:05:22,235 --> 00:05:23,224
Aaron Melman.
79
00:05:23,303 --> 00:05:26,966
He's a dermatologist I met at the
Vietnamese lunch truck outside my office.
80
00:05:27,073 --> 00:05:28,233
What's the problem?
81
00:05:28,341 --> 00:05:30,434
The problem, if you can call it that...
82
00:05:30,543 --> 00:05:33,637
...is Spring Roll Guy
liked to talk dirty in bed.
83
00:05:33,747 --> 00:05:37,478
Baby, I just love the way your pussy feels.
84
00:05:37,851 --> 00:05:38,943
So wet...
85
00:05:39,052 --> 00:05:40,212
...and warm...
86
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,514
...and tight.
87
00:05:42,789 --> 00:05:46,623
Kissing your beautiful tits
feels unbelievably sexy.
88
00:05:46,893 --> 00:05:48,793
So hot and nasty.
89
00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:50,426
How's it feel to you?
90
00:05:52,432 --> 00:05:53,797
What you said.
91
00:05:53,967 --> 00:05:55,730
That can be a turn on.
92
00:05:55,869 --> 00:05:58,394
Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate.
93
00:05:58,505 --> 00:06:00,700
I can't. I never could.
94
00:06:00,807 --> 00:06:01,899
Why not?
95
00:06:02,008 --> 00:06:04,841
Because sex is not a time to chat.
96
00:06:05,245 --> 00:06:10,205
It's one of the few instances in my
overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life...
97
00:06:10,383 --> 00:06:13,875
...where it is perfectly appropriate,
if not preferable, to shut up.
98
00:06:14,087 --> 00:06:17,215
Now I have to worry about
being stumped for conversation?
99
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:18,279
No, thank you.
100
00:06:18,358 --> 00:06:20,155
Just talk about his big cock.
101
00:06:20,627 --> 00:06:23,357
Correction, his big, beautiful cock.
102
00:06:23,463 --> 00:06:26,091
- We're using the "C" word now?
- Sorry.
103
00:06:26,166 --> 00:06:29,658
- I can't use adjectives.
- A simple, "You're so hard," is effective.
104
00:06:30,103 --> 00:06:33,561
- Sometimes men need encouragement.
- Such as?
105
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,629
You know...
106
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:37,108
"Yes, stud, that's right.
107
00:06:37,510 --> 00:06:40,604
"Don't stop, just like that.
C'mon, fucker, don't stop."
108
00:06:41,815 --> 00:06:43,715
You're kidding, right?
109
00:06:45,385 --> 00:06:46,716
No, they like it.
110
00:06:47,754 --> 00:06:50,222
So, are you really telling us...
111
00:06:50,323 --> 00:06:52,883
...that during sex you're completely mute?
112
00:06:52,959 --> 00:06:56,087
No, I can do a good orgasm alert.
113
00:06:56,229 --> 00:06:58,629
"I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum."
114
00:06:58,765 --> 00:07:00,926
But that's because I'm gonna cum.
115
00:07:01,801 --> 00:07:03,769
Anything else feels like make believe.
116
00:07:03,837 --> 00:07:08,103
If you really like this guy,
you're gonna have to start talking.
117
00:07:09,442 --> 00:07:10,875
Was Miranda right?
118
00:07:10,944 --> 00:07:14,710
Have we put such a premium on being
open and honest with one another...
119
00:07:14,781 --> 00:07:17,648
...that we've misplaced
the boundaries of propriety?
120
00:07:17,784 --> 00:07:21,845
Are there still certain things
in a relationship one should never say?
121
00:07:22,288 --> 00:07:25,121
My best friend got engaged
to the biggest loser.
122
00:07:25,191 --> 00:07:28,092
What am I supposed to say?
"You're marrying an imbecile?"
123
00:07:28,461 --> 00:07:30,861
My wife, she's had her breasts done twice.
124
00:07:31,164 --> 00:07:33,758
They look fantastic, they feel like shit.
125
00:07:34,701 --> 00:07:36,328
I keep that thought to myself.
126
00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:41,673
I'm single, 38, and still hoping to get
married. I don't want to know the truth.
127
00:07:42,008 --> 00:07:47,002
I told Richard I couldn't spend another day
married to a man who is an utter asshole.
128
00:07:47,614 --> 00:07:49,741
There it was, standing across from me.
129
00:07:49,816 --> 00:07:53,718
Biscotti-eating, cashmere-swaddled proof
that I had said too much.
130
00:07:53,887 --> 00:07:57,414
- Then what happened?
- Once I said that, the floodgates opened.
131
00:07:57,624 --> 00:08:00,457
He said that at our wedding,
when he looked at me...
132
00:08:00,493 --> 00:08:03,758
...he felt a huge wave of disappointment
because I looked so generic.
133
00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:05,957
I said, "On second thought...
134
00:08:06,032 --> 00:08:08,193
"...I don't think the Rogaine is working."
135
00:08:08,268 --> 00:08:11,669
He said that if I leave,
all he'll feel for me is pity...
136
00:08:11,738 --> 00:08:16,038
...because he'll be remarried within a year
and I'll be single for the rest of my life.
137
00:08:16,142 --> 00:08:20,203
I didn't want to tell Susan Sharon
that his last statement was probably true.
138
00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:23,213
I just feel like I owe you so much.
139
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:26,544
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have had the guts to do this.
140
00:08:27,487 --> 00:08:31,048
It's like I was under house arrest for years
and now I'm free.
141
00:08:32,058 --> 00:08:33,582
What are you gonna do?
142
00:08:34,761 --> 00:08:36,922
Do you mind if I stay at your place?
143
00:08:37,163 --> 00:08:38,494
Of course not.
144
00:08:38,832 --> 00:08:42,290
That evening,
as Susan Sharon squatted on my couch...
145
00:08:42,602 --> 00:08:45,696
...Charlotte came home
to the new male in her life.
146
00:08:46,105 --> 00:08:48,699
Fed up with lonely mornings,
cuddle-free nights...
147
00:08:48,808 --> 00:08:51,606
...and the lack of unconditional love
she longed for...
148
00:08:51,678 --> 00:08:54,511
...Charlotte took matters
into her own hands.
149
00:08:55,081 --> 00:09:00,417
She combed the city for the perfect
specimen of breeding, style and trendiness.
150
00:09:00,453 --> 00:09:02,148
Henry, I'm home.
151
00:09:04,357 --> 00:09:05,915
Hi, my good boy.
152
00:09:09,362 --> 00:09:13,731
Until she found the perfect man,
Charlotte would have the perfect dog.
153
00:09:14,868 --> 00:09:18,235
That night, Samantha,
who was never good at keeping a secret...
154
00:09:18,338 --> 00:09:22,707
...found the one thing she couldn't say
was the only thing she could think about.
155
00:09:22,909 --> 00:09:26,675
Sweetheart, is anything wrong?
If there is, I want you to tell me.
156
00:09:26,746 --> 00:09:28,304
No, honey, I'm tired.
157
00:09:28,381 --> 00:09:32,283
I feel like you've become so distant,
like you're upset with me about something.
158
00:09:32,352 --> 00:09:35,549
I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me.
159
00:09:35,722 --> 00:09:37,917
I'm not upset about anything.
160
00:09:38,758 --> 00:09:40,282
You're wonderful.
161
00:09:42,428 --> 00:09:45,261
Will you come see
a couple's counselor with me?
162
00:09:45,331 --> 00:09:49,097
Samantha dreaded the shrink the way
most people feared the dentist.
163
00:09:49,602 --> 00:09:52,093
If it's really important to you...
164
00:09:52,171 --> 00:09:53,263
Great.
165
00:09:53,973 --> 00:09:55,201
Goodnight.
166
00:09:55,708 --> 00:09:57,699
She longed for the simple days...
167
00:09:57,810 --> 00:10:01,712
...of emotional unavailability
and hot one-night stands.
168
00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:08,953
Meanwhile, across town,
Miranda was appearing as Eliza Doolittle...
169
00:10:09,055 --> 00:10:10,750
...in My Filthy Lady.
170
00:10:13,159 --> 00:10:16,128
I just love kissing this
sensitive spot right here.
171
00:10:17,096 --> 00:10:18,723
Do you like that?
172
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,965
Tell me what you like.
173
00:10:24,037 --> 00:10:25,061
That.
174
00:10:27,006 --> 00:10:30,305
You like my hand there,
caressing your breast?
175
00:10:31,611 --> 00:10:32,635
Sure.
176
00:10:32,712 --> 00:10:34,805
Gently pinching your nipple.
177
00:10:35,048 --> 00:10:36,072
Fine.
178
00:10:38,017 --> 00:10:39,348
Kissing my chest.
179
00:10:39,419 --> 00:10:42,217
That's hot. That really turns me on.
180
00:10:43,056 --> 00:10:44,614
How's it feel?
181
00:10:44,824 --> 00:10:45,848
Hot?
182
00:10:45,925 --> 00:10:46,949
Hot.
183
00:10:48,361 --> 00:10:49,487
And?
184
00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:53,596
- Hairy?
- God, you're getting me hard.
185
00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:56,828
Tell me how it feels.
186
00:10:57,403 --> 00:10:58,392
Big.
187
00:10:59,272 --> 00:11:00,204
And?
188
00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:02,697
Hard?
189
00:11:04,610 --> 00:11:06,441
- Rock hard.
- Keep talking.
190
00:11:07,747 --> 00:11:09,772
A big rock.
191
00:11:11,017 --> 00:11:13,076
A hard rock.
192
00:11:14,153 --> 00:11:16,644
A big, hard rock.
193
00:11:17,924 --> 00:11:20,654
- A sausage.
- Baby, you are so nasty.
194
00:11:20,893 --> 00:11:24,659
Surprisingly, once Miranda opened
her mouth, it was difficult to shut up.
195
00:11:24,797 --> 00:11:29,791
A big, throbbing, rock-hard sausage.
196
00:11:31,404 --> 00:11:35,431
That night, I took Susan Sharon
to meet the new male in Charlotte's life.
197
00:11:35,508 --> 00:11:40,172
True to form, he was already falling
far short of her high expectations.
198
00:11:41,147 --> 00:11:42,739
He did it a minute ago.
199
00:11:42,849 --> 00:11:44,180
He was inconsistent...
200
00:11:45,318 --> 00:11:46,444
Get the ball.
201
00:11:46,519 --> 00:11:49,682
...selfishly stubborn,
and hopelessly codependent.
202
00:11:49,922 --> 00:11:51,287
Isn't he smart?
203
00:11:51,391 --> 00:11:54,485
We can't stay,
I want to be at your place if Richard calls.
204
00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:55,991
Aren't you leaving him?
205
00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:58,622
If he calls,
I want to say I won't talk to him.
206
00:11:58,731 --> 00:12:02,462
That's passive aggressive. You should
only talk if you have something to say.
207
00:12:04,303 --> 00:12:07,739
- Do you believe I married a prick?
- You didn't know he was a prick.
208
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:10,407
I just can't believe that prick hasn't called.
209
00:12:10,476 --> 00:12:14,037
Although, he does have this sweet side.
You just don't know him very well.
210
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:18,141
Did I do the right thing, Henry?
Should I give him another chance...
211
00:12:19,218 --> 00:12:21,516
He's a dog, not an oracle.
212
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:31,221
The next morning, I woke up
to an unsettling birthday surprise.
213
00:12:31,431 --> 00:12:32,489
Coming.
214
00:12:37,036 --> 00:12:38,560
Sign here.
215
00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:42,002
Thank you.
216
00:12:51,918 --> 00:12:53,010
My God.
217
00:12:53,786 --> 00:12:55,981
"Best wishes on your birthday."
218
00:12:56,322 --> 00:12:57,414
It's from Big.
219
00:12:57,490 --> 00:12:59,981
- What kind of flowers?
- Roses, red.
220
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:01,784
Big.
221
00:13:02,795 --> 00:13:04,023
Expensive.
222
00:13:04,430 --> 00:13:07,297
- What do you think it means?
- It means rip up the card.
223
00:13:07,366 --> 00:13:09,027
And watch out for the thorns.
224
00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:11,900
No, this is the grand gesture.
225
00:13:12,004 --> 00:13:13,528
The grand gesture?
226
00:13:13,806 --> 00:13:17,970
If you break up,
and he disappears from your life...
227
00:13:18,044 --> 00:13:19,477
...it wasn't meant to be.
228
00:13:19,545 --> 00:13:24,107
But if they make a powerful declaration
of their love, then you have to reconsider.
229
00:13:24,283 --> 00:13:28,686
You think a dozen roses and a card saying,
"Best wishes" qualifies as a grand gesture?
230
00:13:28,955 --> 00:13:32,755
You know men. They can never say,
"I was wrong." They just send flowers.
231
00:13:32,825 --> 00:13:35,350
Sometimes a rose is just a rose.
232
00:13:35,428 --> 00:13:37,828
Jewelry, that's another story.
233
00:13:37,897 --> 00:13:38,955
Henry, no.
234
00:13:39,065 --> 00:13:41,295
Henry, no, not the purse.
235
00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:43,968
I really don't need this on my birthday.
236
00:13:44,070 --> 00:13:47,562
What does this mean,
the ball's in my court or something?
237
00:13:48,207 --> 00:13:49,970
I don't want to play games.
238
00:13:50,476 --> 00:13:53,502
This is not the grand gesture.
This is the vague gesture...
239
00:13:53,613 --> 00:13:55,672
...which is worse than no gesture.
240
00:13:55,781 --> 00:13:58,648
Under the guise of thoughtfulness,
he's being very selfish.
241
00:13:58,718 --> 00:14:00,481
I agree, he's muddied the waters.
242
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,354
You're all just cuckoo. He sends flowers
on her birthday and you condemn him.
243
00:14:04,423 --> 00:14:06,755
Henry, no. No, damn it.
244
00:14:06,993 --> 00:14:08,858
For chrissake, give the dog a break.
245
00:14:08,928 --> 00:14:12,489
He's eaten four pairs of shoes.
I don't want him starting on purses.
246
00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:14,863
Damn it, now. We're gonna go home.
247
00:14:15,101 --> 00:14:18,764
You wanted to get out and socialize,
but you'll have to learn to behave.
248
00:14:24,911 --> 00:14:26,435
Speaking of cuckoo...
249
00:14:26,512 --> 00:14:30,846
Charlotte was at the point where
she was starting to see the real Henry.
250
00:14:31,684 --> 00:14:33,982
But she did raise a valid question.
251
00:14:34,053 --> 00:14:38,547
Was, "I was wrong,"
the one thing Mr. Big couldn't say?
252
00:14:39,525 --> 00:14:42,392
I realized that just because
we were no longer together...
253
00:14:42,461 --> 00:14:44,452
...didn't mean I couldn't be polite.
254
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:48,832
It's me.
255
00:14:49,802 --> 00:14:50,791
Carrie.
256
00:14:50,870 --> 00:14:52,269
How are you?
257
00:14:52,371 --> 00:14:55,932
Great. I wanted to call
and thank you for the flowers.
258
00:14:56,042 --> 00:14:57,669
That was thoughtful of you.
259
00:14:58,711 --> 00:15:02,579
My secretary had it on her calendar,
so I, you know...
260
00:15:02,648 --> 00:15:05,549
Your secretary sent them?
261
00:15:05,618 --> 00:15:10,385
I sent the flowers,
my secretary alerted me to the day.
262
00:15:10,923 --> 00:15:13,892
That was very thoughtful of her
and you for sending them.
263
00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:16,686
You're welcome.
What are you doing on the big day?
264
00:15:18,397 --> 00:15:22,595
Stanford's arranged this party
down at Layla, that Moroccan restaurant.
265
00:15:22,668 --> 00:15:23,760
You should come.
266
00:15:23,836 --> 00:15:26,896
The instant the words popped out
of my mouth, I regretted them.
267
00:15:29,675 --> 00:15:30,972
I made plans already.
268
00:15:31,043 --> 00:15:33,511
Or not. I mean, just forget it.
269
00:15:33,779 --> 00:15:35,713
I could stop by later.
270
00:15:36,048 --> 00:15:37,515
Fine. Whatever.
271
00:15:38,684 --> 00:15:40,652
I may bring someone.
272
00:15:42,622 --> 00:15:46,820
Come and bring that person
and maybe I'll see you later.
273
00:15:46,892 --> 00:15:49,554
Thank you again for the thoughtful flowers.
274
00:15:53,332 --> 00:15:54,822
I couldn't believe it.
275
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:58,631
I had just invited my ex and his date
to my birthday party.
276
00:15:59,038 --> 00:16:01,302
As if getting older
wasn't traumatic enough.
277
00:16:02,141 --> 00:16:04,609
That afternoon in the office
of Velma Rudin...
278
00:16:04,677 --> 00:16:07,771
...celebrated psychologist
and author of In-to-me-see...
279
00:16:07,847 --> 00:16:10,213
...A Couple's Guide to Intimacy...
280
00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:15,118
...Samantha did her best not to say
the thing she knew she shouldn't say.
281
00:16:15,187 --> 00:16:17,747
I've noticed that our sex life
has diminished.
282
00:16:17,890 --> 00:16:20,450
That's normal, isn't it?
I mean, after a while...
283
00:16:20,526 --> 00:16:22,426
How long has it been?
284
00:16:23,529 --> 00:16:24,553
A month.
285
00:16:24,797 --> 00:16:26,856
Don't take it all so seriously.
286
00:16:26,932 --> 00:16:29,230
Have fun with your sexuality.
287
00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:32,497
Have you tried playing erotic games?
288
00:16:33,172 --> 00:16:35,766
Samantha almost confessed that James...
289
00:16:35,841 --> 00:16:38,435
...had been playing
"hide the salami" since they met.
290
00:16:38,511 --> 00:16:41,344
I'm just not feeling very sexual these days.
291
00:16:43,015 --> 00:16:46,542
I saw you masturbating the other day
when I came out of the shower.
292
00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:52,523
Many women are simply unable
to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
293
00:16:52,625 --> 00:16:54,388
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
294
00:16:54,527 --> 00:16:56,427
You have a problem with intimacy.
295
00:16:56,495 --> 00:16:57,860
No, that's not it.
296
00:16:58,030 --> 00:16:59,930
- What is it?
- It's nothing.
297
00:17:00,399 --> 00:17:03,926
Nothing you say can hurt me,
as long as it's what you're feeling.
298
00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:06,528
That seems to be
all the time we have for today.
299
00:17:06,972 --> 00:17:08,371
Nice work, you two.
300
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:10,833
Shall we say next week, same time?
301
00:17:10,943 --> 00:17:12,103
Good for me.
302
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:18,510
The idea of seeing Velma "In-to-me-see"
Rudin on a weekly basis...
303
00:17:18,584 --> 00:17:20,916
...was much more
than Samantha could bear.
304
00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:23,045
Your penis is too small.
305
00:17:24,256 --> 00:17:25,553
Excuse me?
306
00:17:25,725 --> 00:17:29,684
It doesn't... and it just... it can't.
307
00:17:29,762 --> 00:17:30,751
I can't.
308
00:17:32,365 --> 00:17:34,458
It's just too damn small.
309
00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:39,268
Did you ever stop to think
that maybe your vagina is too big?
310
00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:50,009
What can I say? I need a big dick.
311
00:17:50,116 --> 00:17:51,413
I hear that.
312
00:17:51,484 --> 00:17:55,352
As Samantha paid the price
of mentioning the unmentionable...
313
00:17:55,454 --> 00:17:58,912
...Miranda discovered that free speech
comes with a cost of its own.
314
00:17:58,991 --> 00:18:01,755
I just love putting my hand
around your cock.
315
00:18:02,261 --> 00:18:04,388
I just love hearing you say "cock."
316
00:18:05,498 --> 00:18:07,193
Your big hard cock.
317
00:18:08,968 --> 00:18:10,765
Cock, cock, cock.
318
00:18:12,271 --> 00:18:14,501
Why couldn't I ever say that before?
319
00:18:14,573 --> 00:18:16,063
It's just a word.
320
00:18:16,342 --> 00:18:19,106
Why does it turn us both on when I say it?
321
00:18:19,879 --> 00:18:21,312
What else do you like?
322
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:23,211
I like it when you're rough.
323
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,385
When you throw my legs over your head,
I lose control.
324
00:18:27,753 --> 00:18:29,653
What do I like?
325
00:18:29,755 --> 00:18:33,020
You like it when I'm biting your nipple.
326
00:18:35,127 --> 00:18:36,219
What else?
327
00:18:36,295 --> 00:18:39,696
You like it when I'm kissing your balls.
328
00:18:40,299 --> 00:18:42,358
Keep going.
329
00:18:42,802 --> 00:18:46,704
You really like it when
I slip my finger in your ass.
330
00:18:49,975 --> 00:18:51,067
Excuse me?
331
00:18:51,177 --> 00:18:53,805
You just love a finger in your ass.
332
00:18:58,651 --> 00:19:01,347
How could I know,
"You love a finger in your ass"...
333
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:03,411
...is the one thing you can't say?
334
00:19:03,489 --> 00:19:05,389
Trust me, that's not the only thing.
335
00:19:05,458 --> 00:19:08,325
- But it's true, he enjoys it.
- So do a lot of men.
336
00:19:08,461 --> 00:19:11,521
They enjoy it, but don't want it
brought to their attention.
337
00:19:11,597 --> 00:19:14,088
Personally, I don't like anything in my ass.
338
00:19:16,335 --> 00:19:18,166
I know that may come as a surprise.
339
00:19:18,237 --> 00:19:20,296
I just feel so betrayed.
340
00:19:20,372 --> 00:19:25,742
He wanted me to talk dirty, I got into it,
then he pulled the rug out from under me.
341
00:19:25,811 --> 00:19:29,110
Men are so frustratingly inconsistent.
That's why I love my Henry.
342
00:19:29,215 --> 00:19:32,446
He's a big love bug. You tell him
anything and he licks your face.
343
00:19:32,518 --> 00:19:34,850
Charlotte, you may be onto something.
344
00:19:35,621 --> 00:19:38,317
Another double vodka rocks
for the birthday girl.
345
00:19:38,424 --> 00:19:40,949
The truth was, vodka was my only ally.
346
00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:44,518
At any moment, Big was gonna walk in
with his gorgeous date...
347
00:19:44,597 --> 00:19:48,465
...smile at me like some distant stranger
and say something crushing...
348
00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:50,068
Happy birthday, baby.
349
00:19:53,105 --> 00:19:54,538
Glad you could make it.
350
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,130
I can't stay long.
351
00:19:56,208 --> 00:19:57,800
I left my camel outside.
352
00:20:00,145 --> 00:20:01,442
You remember Jack?
353
00:20:04,049 --> 00:20:05,209
Jack is your date?
354
00:20:05,718 --> 00:20:08,118
I wasn't aware
we were formally dating, but...
355
00:20:08,187 --> 00:20:10,815
It is so good to see you again.
356
00:20:10,990 --> 00:20:12,287
How have you been?
357
00:20:12,358 --> 00:20:17,091
Marvelous, I split up with a bitch who
broke my heart. She didn't get my money.
358
00:20:17,162 --> 00:20:18,993
Happy birthday to me.
359
00:20:28,274 --> 00:20:31,801
An hour later, my Arabian Nights fantasy...
360
00:20:31,877 --> 00:20:33,902
...birthday felt like Midnight Express.
361
00:20:36,415 --> 00:20:38,246
- How are you?
- Great.
362
00:20:38,317 --> 00:20:39,409
How are you?
363
00:20:40,019 --> 00:20:41,350
Good. Fine.
364
00:20:41,554 --> 00:20:42,452
Good.
365
00:20:43,022 --> 00:20:45,923
Excuse me,
what is your ex doing at your birthday?
366
00:20:46,091 --> 00:20:48,321
I told him to drop by for a drink.
367
00:20:48,627 --> 00:20:50,754
I didn't think he'd stay for a lap dance.
368
00:20:50,963 --> 00:20:53,454
My God, have you tried the baba ganooj?
369
00:20:53,832 --> 00:20:55,060
It is to die for.
370
00:20:55,134 --> 00:20:56,829
I don't eat baba ganooj.
371
00:20:57,536 --> 00:20:59,367
You don't know what you're missing.
372
00:20:59,438 --> 00:21:01,963
I can't believe the bastard dared to come.
373
00:21:02,675 --> 00:21:05,337
I can't believe what
she does with her navel.
374
00:21:05,444 --> 00:21:07,537
Please, I'm about to lose my couscous.
375
00:21:07,846 --> 00:21:10,940
While I watched my ex
get a Mesopotamian lap dance...
376
00:21:11,016 --> 00:21:13,314
...Susan Sharon made a play
for Mr. Marvelous.
377
00:21:13,385 --> 00:21:15,853
I can't deal with being single all over again.
378
00:21:15,921 --> 00:21:18,389
Every relationship has its ups and downs.
379
00:21:18,457 --> 00:21:20,550
My husband and I work very hard.
380
00:21:20,626 --> 00:21:23,117
We probably don't spend
enough damn time together.
381
00:21:23,295 --> 00:21:27,425
Compounded by the fact that neither of us
gets enough sleep. Then again, who does?
382
00:21:27,733 --> 00:21:30,998
I really never imagined myself
as a divorcee, you know?
383
00:21:31,070 --> 00:21:36,064
It's more important to till your own soil
than to go in search of greener pastures.
384
00:21:37,943 --> 00:21:40,935
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
385
00:21:41,714 --> 00:21:47,414
In that moment, Susan Sharon realized
she desperately missed her husband.
386
00:21:50,322 --> 00:21:54,759
That night, Charlotte came home
to a very unpleasant surprise.
387
00:22:02,468 --> 00:22:03,628
Bad!
388
00:22:05,871 --> 00:22:08,499
Charlotte realized,
like so many males before him...
389
00:22:08,574 --> 00:22:11,509
...Henry had shit all over her perfect world.
390
00:22:11,610 --> 00:22:13,544
He and Charlotte soon parted ways.
391
00:22:13,612 --> 00:22:17,946
The one thing she could never say was,
"I got rid of the puppy."
392
00:22:18,083 --> 00:22:19,948
We all know what happened to him.
393
00:22:20,019 --> 00:22:23,614
He'd become the glue that put Susan
Sharon and her husband back together.
394
00:22:24,623 --> 00:22:25,749
Shut up.
395
00:22:26,258 --> 00:22:27,384
Shut the fuck up.
396
00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:30,951
Although neither of them could
admit that a dog saved their marriage.
397
00:22:31,030 --> 00:22:35,899
Later that evening, as my birthday passed
into the early hours of just another day...
398
00:22:36,068 --> 00:22:38,662
...I found myself alone
on the street with Mr. Big.
399
00:22:38,837 --> 00:22:40,304
Another year older.
400
00:22:40,639 --> 00:22:41,799
And none the wiser.
401
00:22:41,874 --> 00:22:44,138
That's the way it goes.
402
00:22:47,479 --> 00:22:50,539
- Can I give you a ride home?
- No, I'm just gonna grab a cab.
403
00:22:50,616 --> 00:22:53,141
- Do you need cab fare?
- No, I'm okay.
404
00:22:53,218 --> 00:22:57,348
Good, because I think I left all my $20
in that belly dancer's crotch.
405
00:23:06,031 --> 00:23:07,225
Goodnight.
406
00:23:10,235 --> 00:23:11,497
Goodnight.
407
00:23:32,224 --> 00:23:37,662
As I watched him go, I realized the one
thing I couldn't say to Mr. Big was...
408
00:23:38,397 --> 00:23:40,524
..."I'm still not over you."
409
00:23:55,000 --> 00:24:02,000
Translation And Subtitles By
Captions, Inc. Los Angeles
410
00:24:12,000 --> 00:25:15,000
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