All language subtitles for A.Beginners.Guide.To.Endings.2010.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].ENG

The events leading up
to my death

were a lot like the rest
of my life.

Things didn't go
exactly as planned.

If you asked me what the odds
in an amateur hanging

going off without a hitch were,
I'd say about one in three.

A few things can happen:
Put the noose too high

Swing for hours.

Too low
Choke for minutes.

But hit that sweet spot
the neck'll snap just so.

One in three.

Okay.
One in four.

I was born a gambler.

Cards, dice, sports, horses.

I'd bet on anything if
the odds were right.

But now I've lost a bet that
cost me more than money.

It's cost me my family.

My family defies all odds.

Five kids; all boys.

The odds in that

One in sixteen.

Five boys from three
different women

One in three hundred.

Staying married to my
first wife through that

Somewhere south of zero.

That's my eldest son, Nuts.

Born during a heat wave.

His mother says that's
what gives him his temper,

but I think the kid was born
with a sour disposition.

Nuts wasn't one for school.

All he ever wanted to
be was a pro boxer.

But, well, things didn't
go exactly as planned.

That's my second boy, Cal.

Poor kid inherited my
weakness for women.

I knew pretty early on

when he found a way to join
an all-girls prep school.

Now that one cost
me a small fortune.

Come Christmas he shows up with
a different gal each year.

And let's just say
he's got a type.

After Cal came my
third boy, Jacob.

Smart, organized.

Holds down a real job.

You know, when you say it
all together like that

makes me wonder
if he's mine after all.

Now I'm no saint.

Fact is,
I'd probably catch on fire

if I ever did
step foot in church.

So, long story short:
her name was Champagne.

And nine months later,

boy number four
shows up on my doorstep.

The kid's got a lot of heart.

Everyone calls him
Juicebox because, well,

I wouldn't call a
kid slow, but

well, he's got a big heart.

Goldie forgave
me for Champagne.

But you know what they say:
fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, you're divorced.

Sometimes life throws
you a curve ball.

A tiny, Vietnamese curve ball.

After what became colourfully
known as The Saigon Incident,

Goldie, quite
understandably, left me.

But she never stopped being
a good mom to the boys,

even the ones
that weren't hers.

And that's my family.

The most unlikely bunch
you'll ever chance upon.

And seeing as I'd sooner die
than see any harm come to them,

today's going to be the
last day of my life.

The odds of surviving a trip
over Niagara Falls are long.

It's happened exactly once.

Back in '53 some
kid lucked out.

But he had an adult-sized
life jacket on,

so I'm not sure it counts.

Now that's not to knock what
the lil' tiger went through,

but a boy that small in
a life jacket that big

The kid's practically
a fuckin' pontoon.

But I don't want to
beat the odds here.

For once I want them
stacked against me.

Just like I stacked them
against my oldest boys.

So I need a miracle.

For my family.

For fate to erase the
weight of all my misdeeds.

A reversal of fortune.

A resurrection.

A real, bona fide miracle.

But I don't believe
in miracles.

We're gathered here to mourn
the passing of

Edward Duke White.

Some of us knew him.

Some of us loved him.

And apparently some of us are
just here for the free donuts.

Duke never did anything
the normal way,

so it's no surprise we
don't have a body to bury.

Move.

And, of course, Duke
wasn't much for church.

Fact, only time he ever got
anywhere near the bible

was when he swore to
tell the truth,

the whole truth
and nothing but.

In case you were
wonderin', he didn't.

So instead of
reading bible verse,

I'm gonna recite the lyrics
to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird.

Mom didn't show

We couldn't get
ahold of her. Why are you late

Flight was delayed and I
had a detour on the highway.

What was her name

Candyanna.

Even her name makes me want
to put on a condom, or strip.

Would you two shut up
We're at a goddamn funeral.

What's up Cal

Lord knows I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't change.

Now I'd like to have Duke's
five boys come up here

and place a personal
memento in the coffin.

He was

the best brother
a man could have.

He was the worst father
a man could have.

Wait -
a bus pass

I didn't know we were
supposed to bring presents.

That's my watch.

Cal.

Please don't make a
big deal about this.

Cal, that's my watch.

Do not make a big
deal about it!

Don't!
You stoCal!

Fuck off, Cal!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
What's the matter with you

You should be
ashamed of yourself!

Throwin' punches
like that!

Snap the wrist.

I'm a crawler, baby Well,
I crawl right after you

I'm the crawler, baby
I crawl right after you.

I'm the crawler, baby
I crawl right after you.

Breaks my heart we had
to trot out Ole' Rusty.

Come Christmas dinner
there's Rusty.

Everybody's birthday party you
know Rusty's gonna be invited.

But Ole' Rusty
at your father's funeral

This family's
got a certain reputation

and tonight you boys
pretty much cemented it.

Think we can get through
the reading of the will

without having to call
a paramedic

I can.

Shut up.

You know what
I gotta take a piss.

I'll be right back.

Alright, where's the
waitress in this place.

Thank you!

But I'd rather you sprayed
mace into my mouth.

But I will let you try
this very nice

single malt scotch
I've discovered.

You discovered it

Yeah.

Yeah
You fucking Magellan

Circumnavigating the globe
in search of flavour

Don't put on airs
with me, okay

I've seen you drink
lighter fluid.

I remember that.
It made you weird.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

It's good, isn't it

Pretty good.
Bottoms up.

Jacob, what happens
when we die

Ah, wow.

I don't know, Todd.

What I do know is that good
guys like you go to heaven.

Dad was a
pretty good guy, huh

Yeah, he

he was a good -
yes.

He was a

he was a good

Ah, you know what, buddy

Don't worry about it.
He's probably not even dead.

He's only been
gone for two weeks.

Really

Yeah, really.

Don't do that.

Don't do what

Don't give him false hope.

Just bear the kids'
feelings in mind.

You want me
to think about the kid

This is coming from -
I remember when the two of you

put Xs and Os all over his
face with permanent marker.

He went to school and they
called him Tic Tac Todd! Huh

That was a decade ago!
How do you even remember that

Are you used to holding
on to small things

That's hilarious.

See what I did right there

When I said 'small things'
I meant something different

'Kay, guys.
Got some drinks here.

I meant your penis.

Beer.

Thank you.

O.J.

And a Mint Julep.

Ah, you know what, doll

Actually, this is
not a mint Julep.

This ain't the Glass
Slipper, Princess.

It's a beer with a shot
of Peppermint Listerine

about as close
as you're gonna get.

Mmm.

Think she's bad news, Cal.

No. Her

Tattooed on her back.

Oh, yeah, it is.
Huh.

Alright,
before we read the will

should we
have a little toast

Yeah.

To Duke.

May you be
forty years in heaven

before the Devil
knows you're dead.

I can't drink this.

Last Will and Testament
of Edward White.

My Boys: I'm leaving you
with a heart full of regret.

I should have been
a better father

and been there for you
instead of myself.

I should've settled down
and been a better husband.

Your mother was a good woman.

Juicey's, too.

Even Soo Ling wasn't that bad.

And, most of all,
I should have led a life

that didn't end with
a list of regrets.

The fact is the only thing I
don't regret is you boys

and I'm proud of you all.

So let's get down
to who gets what.

To Nuts, I leave
my bar of silver.

Remember to
keep your chin up -

there's always
a silver lining, Boy-o.

To Cal, I leave the White
family wedding ring.

Marry a good one, son.

And be sure she's a good one.

Can't run around like a bull
in a vagina shop forever.

To Jacob,
I leave the Elvis suit

from the
'72 Burnin' Love tour,

worn in
Phoenix and Albuquerque.

Wait -
wait a sec.

Who wore it in Phoenix
and Albuquerque

It does not really say.

To Juicey and Todd,

I leave three hundred
and eighty in cash.

Truth is, I'm not sure
what you're in to,

so just buy whatever
it is you're in to.

And it better not be drugs.

And as for the house,

I'm leaving it all
to you boys to live in.

Just so long as you don't
kill each other first.

And that's who gets what.
Now for the hard part.

I've done a terrible thing.

Nuts, Cal, Jacob -

you may recall
that drug testing thing

I signed you up
for back in '99.

Are you male
18 to 31 Non-smoker

If so, Bovastradde
Pharmaceuticals

has an opportunity
for you!

Now this ain't an excuse.

But I was concussed
at the time.

A man doesn't think clearest
after a concussion.

And just ask Rudy Arbour
what you can do

with the two thousand dollars!

I got a Ski-Doo
with my money.

And I only had to take two
pills a week for a month.

It paid you two grand each.

Wait a minute.
We never got two grand.

That's not right.
We got one grand.

Yeah.

Duke took
fifty percent. Finder's fee.

They paid you two grand each,
but it turns out

there's a lot
more money involved than that.

This morning,
a lawyer shows up

asking me to pass on
documents to you boys.

Some kind of legal settlement
that I would have known about

earlier, but you know how
I feel about letter mail.

So I forged a few signatures
to speed up the process.

Long story, short a
hundred thousand per head.

I wanted to find the right way
to break it to you, is all.

And there's no easy way
to say this next part.

But I saw all those zeroes.

Holy shit.

They're off!

I could tell you it
was a sure thing.

I could say I was doing it to
make you all a pile more dough.

Plus a
finder's fee for myself.

But that
doesn't make it right.

And the strategic
long shots I backed

to recoup
my initial losses.

Well, weren't so strategic.

Now there's no easy
way to say this,

so I'm just going to
come out and say it.

Nuts, Cal, Jacob.

Boys, you three
are going to die.

Excuse me

What

Let me see the damn

Let me read it.
Let me read it!

And it's my fault.

The side effects of
Affekterol are

mood swings and
loose bowels.

The one long-term side effect
is much worse:

permanent
cardiovascular damage.

Affektorol weakens the
walls of your ticker.

Now a stiff breeze
could do you in.

It's bloody amazing none of
you have cashed out already.

Now I figure a man who's done
what I've done

is only fit for the grave.

I can't look at you boys.

Or myself.

So I'm gonna go on dyin'
cause I can't go on livin'.

Goodbye, boys.

I love you all.

Even if I never did
show it very well.

Maybe it's just all
a mistake.

Take Todd and Juicey home.

Maybe Duke just got it wrong!

Take Todd and Juicey home.

Okay.

Come on, let's go.

I don't believe it.

There's no way.
We're fine.

I'm fine.
We're fine.No way, right

This is years ago.

Dad's always shaky
on the facts, anyway.

We're not dyin'.

If we are,
my liver goes first.

I can't sleep and
I can't turn out the light

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck.

Oh.

Ah.

Yeah

So is baby brother
ready for his debut

Ah, no.
Not at all.

Tank Boy is.

Cracked two jaws of his
sparring partners this week.

The whole pie,
that one.

Yeah. Just don't
let him kill Juicey, would ya

Oh, we're just padding
Tank's record, is all.

But ping pong it is not.

Three good rounds.

Mm hm.

Piss.

What's the matter with you

You fighting tonight
and you eating this

It's like giving
your stomach a

perm.

It's still on

Yeah.

I just
I just thought-

Yeah no.
Nothing's changed.

Now hit the gym and take
off these stupid

Who did this

Me.

You got beaten up
by Todd

Please.

I'd hardly call it
got beaten up.

Really

Okay. It was a lucky shot
and if I had any warning

I got combo'd.

You little twat!

It's on!

Hey, relax.
Sit down.

What's a twat

It's, ah the smallest
cone they got at Dairy Queen.

Fuck you, Todd.

Relax! Put your pants back on
and go hit the gym.

Hopefully you do better
against Tank-Boy

than you do against
ten-year-old Asian kids.

Hey!

Can't talk.
Gotta shower.

Come on.

You know he's retarded.
Don't pick on him.

Hey, Toddy.

Nuts is making me
a racecar pancake.

Yeah. Yeah,
I'm tryin', Toddy.

You know.

I'm sorry.
I

What

You know, sometimes a
cigar is just a cigar.

But that
That's a cock, buddy.

Yeah. What are you
eating for breakfast

Well, I am attempting to turn
the food pyramid on its' ass.

I'll even eat your freaky
little erotic cock-cake.

Who cares anymore

Would you quit it
with that stuff, 'kay

We're gonna be fine.
Alright

When I hear we're dying
from a guy like dad,

all I think of is the million
tall tales he ever told.

Dust settles,
Maxie turns to me and says:

Duke,
that man you just coldcocked

Bette Midler!

On the Virgin Mary's eyes.
Swear to Jesus.

Duke could teach a
master class in bullshit.

You know what I think

What's that

I think you're in denial.

Don't tell me
what I'm thinking.

This is what you do.

This is what you do in life.
You ignore the facts!

I do not!

And then you
get defensive.

Wrong again.

And then you
lash out.

Fuck you!

We're not dying.

Yes we are.

What

I just got back from the doctor
and he told me flat out

we are dying.

Your vitals are
still solid.

Right.

Won't know for sure
without the blood test.

Right.

Look, if you did
take Affecterol

I did.

I mean it was
years ago, though.

Well, you've got an
opportunity here.

Okay.

Is there anything you ever
really wanted to do, son

Well, oh, like a
million things!

Do 'em.

Duke dealt us
a bad hand, bro.

A bad hand
I didn't even get cards, okay

I got like a bus transfer and
a fucking coupon for tampons.

It's a wake up call.
I'm going to make a list.

Sounds like a very
you thing to do.

Things are gonna change.

I got like a million
things I want to do.

I actually thought that
that would be something

that you would do.
It's weird.

What do you mean
you thought

I was just thinking, like,
I wonder what he's going to do

What
What do you mean

Are you guys fucking high
We're dying!

Where's your anger

Come here, Nuts.
Come here.

What're you doing
What are you doing

Just giving my
big brother a hug.

I don't want
a fucking hug.

Why

Oh, Christ.

Gerbil.

It's a lot of death for
one week, isn't it, buddy

You want one

WhatA hug

Yeah.
I'm just handing them out.

No, no, no, no.
No.

Yeah. Come on,
we're not

I'm cool with it.
It's cool.

Honestly, you're
cool with it, Cal

We're dying and
you're cool with it

Okay, alright.

I'm not cool with it.
Alright

I'm not fucking cool with it.
I am the opposite of cool!

Okay
We're dying!

My life is a mess

and I know we're
going to end up just like Duke!

I woke up this morning
next to a woman

and let's just say that I walked
where angels fear to tread.

Oh boy.

Morning.

Yes.
So it is. Morning.

Did we, um

did we do it

If by it, you mean
going a couple of minutes,

throwing up in my purse and
then crying yourself to sleep,

then yeah -
ha ha -we did it.

Sorry.
Yesterday was

very emotional for me.

I buried my father,
allegedly.

You mentioned that.
I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Duke lived his life so hard
he made Iggy Pop look Amish.

Um, wait a second: Duke
Duke White

Mm hm. Yeah. Why
You knew him

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I'm going to end up like Duke,
I'm going to end up like Duke!

No, you're not.

Yes I am.

Listen, I don't want to
play Junior Freud here,

but by the transitive
property of penises

I think I fucked
Mom last night.

What's that

The waitress.
Dad and I both slept with her.

Something has to change in me.

The ring -
it was a sign. You know

I gotta stop whoring around
and I need to settle down!

Yes!
Yes!

And I think I know
who with.

Don't say it.

Don't

Miranda.

Oh, God!

She's the one who got away.

No!
She didn't get away, Cal.

She got incarcerated!

She's the only woman who
ever gave me that rush!

That wasn't a rush!

That was Chlamydia!

You don't understand.

You don't understand and
that is fine, alright

I want to feel what it
feels like to be with her.

Again.

You don't know her like I do!

This is not the
right move, okay

This is like this is like
you're killing yourself

before you're dying!

Before you're killing yourself.

Do you know what I mean

Come here.

I'll take that hug now.

Oh, you're ready
for your hug now

I love you, Cal.

I love you, too.

Alright, let's butch this
up before Nuts comes back.

Oh, Jesus!

It's all fuckin'
Steel Magnolias in here.

Just a hug.

It's a brother hug, man.

It's like we're in Europe
with all this man huggin'.

Europe.
That's a good idea.

Europe.

I think I'd like Europe.

No, no, you wouldn't.
I've been there.

It's very
swishy.

Yeah, no.
They can elect him king.

There is no King
of Europe, Nuts.

Fine.
Queen.

That's funny.
That's very funny.

It is funny.

I'm not taking your shit
anymore, either, by the way.

That's on my list.

I love you both, but growing
up with you was fucking hell.

Yeah!Oh, come on!

We were fucking kids.
What do you want

We would play
Hungry, Hungry Hippos

and I would shit marbles
for a week and a half.

That wasn't fun for me.

Oh, come on!

You know what I
did this morning

I quit my job.

Yeah, hi, it's Jacob.

I won't be
coming into work today.

I quit.

And tell Jerry in H.R.
that he's a total

dick weed.
And an asshole, too.

It felt better than anything
that I've done

for the last ten years
of my entire life.

So starting today I'm going
Evel Kneivel on everything.

I'm going to take every
stupid risk I can.

All my life I've been worrying
about the long run

and there is no
long run anymore.

There's just -
there's just this sprint.

And it's standing
right in front of me.

It's a fucking sprint.

It's a sprint!

You fucked that kid up.
Not me.

I'll take half the blame.

Hi. I'd like to
make a withdrawal.

Okay.

And close all my accounts,
please.

I'll take it.

We are gathered here today to
bid farewell to Mister Amazing.

Mister Awesome.

Mister Awesome, yes,
was just a great gerbil.

Hamster.

Yes.

He, um

will always be remembered
as a just an excellent

chewer.

Happy trails,
Mister Awesome.

Come on.
Buck up

we'll get you
another one.

I don't want another one.

Hey: what do we do
when we get upset

Walk it off.

What
No, no, no, no!

Hey, hey
the other thing.

That's right.
We hug through it.

What, really
Really

Didn't see that one coming.

You're the best
brother in the world.

Oh, you want some
more, Tank-Boy

I'm the worst
brother in the world.

Come on, boys!
Stick it, stick it, stick it!

Okay, one, two!

I want to hear a slap.

Stick it.

Boys!
Work it.

Hey!
Fight's cancelled.

Is it, now

Juicey ain't fighting.

Well, Tank-Boy is.

An' I don't care
a lick who he kills

so long they're
light-heavyweight and get hurt.

Here's your money back.

Let me be blunt, lad:
ya took your money.

You been bought.
No refunds.

Don't make me go to the office
and get the Management.

No, is

How much to call it off

Twenty.

Thousand
I don't got that!

Really
Puffy vest

Whiff o' Old Spice
Prison-grade tattoos

Here I had you pegged
as old money fer sure.

No fuckin' way you're makin'
twenty grand off this fight.

Well, don't be daft, lad.
Of course not.

But I'll make a far sight more
in two years times

when an undefeated Tank Boy,
in on the fix,

loses to an unranked pug no
one's ever heard word of.

Jesus!

I got the chessboard out
-yer playin' bingo!

Okay, boys.
Take a break.

Fine, fine, fine.

Just, just keep the
management out of this.

I'll I'll
find the money.

Sure you will.

You'll hop on yer unicorn, you
go shake down a leprechaun.

See you later.

I'm approaching
one ninety.

From the North.
What about me

As a fighter

Yeah.

Yer a little past
your prime, my friend.

No one would pay
to see that.

You're just padding his
record. Plus you get this back.

Hm.

Tank Boy!
Come here.

Meet a legend.

You ever heard
tale of Nuts White

Why they call you Nuts

Just a nickname.

No! Eddie White.
12-0.

Never fought above
the undercard.

Never touched
the canvas.

But he's not called
Nuts

on account of his
pugilistic talents.

No! But on account
of every fighter in the country

is magnetically drawn to
punching him in the balls!

Undefeated.

And all disqualifications for
shots to the cherries, huh

Everybody smells the fix.

Everybody knows his old
man is riggin' his bouts.

And now ol' Nuts can't even
line up a bout o' diarrhea.

'Til today.

So I'm fighting

You're fighting.

Let's get back at it, boys!

Yeah.

This is AT&T.

You have a collect call
from

Wait I'll press it.
Do I press a zero now

You have sixty-three
cents in your account.

Press one to
accept the charges.

Ma! Hey, ah,
talk quick.

I'm almost out of minutes.

Honey!

I am so sorry.

I just heard about Duke.

Wendell and I were at
a meditation retreat.

We just got back this morning
and I'm on the next plane.

Is everyone okay

I can't get anyone
at the house.

It's
it's been a crazy day.

Oh, sweetheart.

I know you and Duke
had your ups and downs,

but your father
was many things.

Some of them good,
some of them not so good.

But he loved you boys.
And if he could

Out of minutes.

Oh, fuck.

Well, I'm getting married.

Come to the right place,
then. I'll talk you out of it.

No, no.
I don't need your blessing.

I just
I just want the ring.

Who's the lucky lady

Miranda.

Is she aware of
your intentions

Ah, no.

I haven't seen her
for years, so, no.

Okay. You just got
some pretty terrible news

and I'm guessin'
you're still drunk.

So I'm inclined
to believe that

you might not be thinking
all that clearly at the moment.

You're forcing my
hand here, okay

My hand is forced.

My office.

The Wall of Fame.

Fuck.
She's married.

And then some.

So her second marriage

Actually she's a three-peat.

It's not what you
think, either.

She didn't get one divorce.

They died.

All of 'em.

Now, her first
husband, he got shot.

Sure they called it a hunting
accident, but two in the head

Ten in the groin

The second husband died the
day after they separated.

This time they called
it driver error.

I don't know how many
errors a fella could make

in the trunk of a car.

And the third fella, he didn't
make it through the honeymoon.

No one knows what
happened to him.

Well, most of him, anyway.

Now, I'm not saying
she killed 'em,

but somebody should slap a
warning label on that gal.

Do you get the
moral of the story

Think I do.

Good.

She's single.

Ah.

Thanks for the ring.

Yeah.
Thanks for the car keys.

Can't let you go, buddy.

Fine.

Don't break the window.

That's your car

Wow. What'd you
carjack a beautician

It's a rental.
Believe in signs, pal

I believe in
not marrying the girl

who invented
the Body Shop.

Duke wills me
a wedding ring

on the day that
I find out I'm going to die.

That is a sign.
Alright

I don't want to die alone.
Not like Duke.

I'm settling down.

I think not being like
Duke is a great idea,

so stop whoring around,
okay

But not Miranda.

That's reckless, okay

And that's more like
Duke than anything.

Reckless, huh

Gonna break the window and
try to hotwire the car

if you don't give me
the keys.

I know you will.

Thank you.

My second hug today.

Hey.

Hey.
What's up with the car

You coaching a fucking
women's softball team

It's a rental.
Her name's Cindy and I love her.

What are you doing

Going to do
something stupid.

Oh, me too.
You'd think we're related.

Yeah.
Say hi to Miranda for me.

Uh, what
How do you know that

Come on!

I know everything you're
going to do before you do it.

Ah, no you don't.

Yes I do.

Okay. I'm thinking of
a person right now.

Don't be stupid.

Come on!Actor.

Billy Dee Williams.Famous!

Oh, I hate you.

No you don't.

So, looks like
I need twenty grand

or I'm getting
murdered tonight.

What the hell is wrong
with this family

You can't
dust 'em off.

Yeah

And I can't raise
twenty grand by tonight

so, ah, where's my robe

Anytime you deal
with Fitz

you're gonna end up bloody and
a few dollars short, Nuts.

You can't fight.

What am I supposed to do
Okay

You haven't seen
this Tank-Boy kid.

It is like his mother
fucked a tractor.

Best case scenario:
Juicey gets seriously injured.

Nuts, will you listen to me
You can't fight!

Yeah And I let Juicey
fight, I'm no better than Duke.

Fixin' fights,
lyin', cheatin'

If you fight,
you will die.

Yeah I don't know
if you heard the news,

but it's happening anyway.

Do you wanna die a few months
down the road, maybe a year,

or do you wanna die tonight

What are you talking about

Alright.

I promised your father
I wouldn't tell you this.

Tell me what

You remember Detroit

Yeah.

Well there's a shitload you
don't know about Detroit.

Really
What's to know about Detroit

After Detroit they weren't
gonna call me Nuts anymore,

right

You remember the new name

Eddie the Power White.

Eddie the Power White!

I lined up the bout with
John The Baptist myself

so Duke couldn't
run his old grift.

Punching another man's junk is
pretty much like gay marriage

to a guy like him.

Better still
Jesus freaks never take bribes.

You don't know it,
but Duke

probably saved your life
that night.

Did he

When I tell my son
to oil up

and he smears on
the Italian dressing,

can't help but think
he's 30 percent retarded.

Nah, it's genius.

'cause his brain's telling
him time to fight,

but his nose is
saying time to eat.

Confusing him.

Bam, bam.

Forty percent.

These the new trunks

Oh, oh, oh!

Did you ever ask yourself why
they were always punching you

in the groin instead
of the noggin'

Or why the other guy
didn't just take a dive

Stop right there, okay

Listen

Touch your skull,
while you're up there.

This Yeah.
It's my lucky bump.

I don't know how lucky it is.

The day you were born, you
got dropped on your melon.

You fell down the stairs when
you were about six months.

Again when you were a year old.

By the time you got
to kindergarten,

you'd been concussed
upwards of ten times.

You were just a really
uncoordinated little pecker.

Oh, ho, ho!

Eddie The

I told 'em Eddie The
Power White six times.

That font is a little big.

Maybe they ran outta room

Two minutes before I tussle
you spring this on me

I asked you to do one thing!

You were always
one blow to the head

away from permanent
brain damage, at least.

That fresh start you wanted
could have been your funeral.

Oh my God.

Oh my

oh my God!
I can't wear these!

Why not

'cause I can't wear
White Power trunks!

In fucking Detroit!

God.
What am I going to do

We're in a tight spot.

Oh, yeah
You think

Yeah, maybe I can put
a sweater around my waist

like I just got my
fucking period!

Fuck.

Let's go!

You gotta call it off,
Boy-o.

I can't.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You know you can't
fight in your robe, son.

Okay.

What about a sweater
tied around my waist

What

Look, my shorts.

They say white power on them.

I am so sorry.

They say white power.

I know.
It was a mistake.

Fuck you, cracker!

Get out! Come on
get out! Get out!

You could take a
little light sparring,

but you lined up an
honest-to-goodness fight

with a bona fide contender.

So he came up
with the trunks.

Yeah, actually the
trunks was my idea.

But it was Duke's idea to bet
on your disqualification.

The proceeds from which
bought this silver bar.

Then why

then why'd he let
me fight at all

Your career was supposed to be,
you know, one or two fights.

Couple of blows to the balls

and he thought
you'd get smart and walk away.

But he was weak and, uh

he found it was profitable
knowing the outcome.

Now you you just
don't know when to quit!

You were a shitty boxer, Nuts.

And Duke tried to protect
you the only way he knew.

By fixin' fights.

'cause he loved his son.

And, you know, betting
on sure things.

And that is why
you cannot fight.

Ever again.

Oh my God.

It ain't twenty grand.

But it's a start.

Ah!
You son of a

Miss Benatar.

Had a '72 El Camino.

Named her after
Pat Benatar,

the sexiest woman ever
to grace God's green earth.

'course I called her Miss
Benatar cause, you know,

a fella callin' his ride Pat
might create the impression

he was into Irish dudes.

What're you working
on down there

Well, I want to make
it sound really loud.

So I figured if I got
underneath it and just banged

around with a wrench it
would just kind of happen.

Didn't work.

You just drill some
holes in the muffler.

That'll get her growlin'.

You can do that

Let's lift up her blouse there,
see what's she's got, huh

Yeah.

It's a nice blue.
Mine was green.

Your dad used to call
it the green latrine.

I think, um

Right here.

Right.

What're you going to call her

Pat was in the lead.

I don't know.
I guess I'm going to add

picking a name
to my 'to do' list.

A whole list
That's smart.

I don't know about smart.

The words death defying
appear like six times.

You know, livin' like
there's no tomorrow

is a pretty good way to
make sure there won't be one.

I don't have to worry
about you, too, do I

Actually, no.
I feel pretty much unstoppable.

Here.

Let's make some noise, huh

Fuck it.

Where are you going
dressed like that

See for yourself.

Can I come

Sure.

Can I dress up,
too

I encourage it.

Oh! Can we go to Dairy Queen
and pick up some twats

Yeah.

I want it right there.

Why won't you let me see it

'cause.

Let me see it!

No.

Why don't you let
me see anything

Because I'm there.
You want to see it

What are those

They're
they're Man Dots.

Special Man Dots, okay

What's a Man Dot

Look, Todd.

It hurt a lot more than I
thought it would, alright

And if you ever think about
doing something as stupid

as getting a tattoo, I swear
you better get a picture of me

so the cops'll know
who killed you.

I'm not interested.

In what

Man in a suit
comes to my house,

he's either pushing a
religion or a warrant.

You don't recognize me

Look -
my seven foot tall boyfriend

carries a machete
with him wherever he goes.

It's Cal.

Twelfth grade
Best summer ever

Jesus!
Is that you

Ah!

Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, alright.
That's a wiggle.

You look so grown up
and clean.

What you doing in town

Family business.

And you find time
to visit me.

I feel so flattered!

Flattered and stalked.

Well, um, seeing as I'm not
from these parts anymore,

I was sort of looking
for a tour guide.

But if your seven foot tall,
machete-wielding boyfriend

has an issue, I understand.
I just

Aw, I just say that to
keep the pigs at bay.

Let's go play tourist.

That your car

Did you save up your
babysitting money to buy that

It's a rental.

You can't take my
girl away from me, mister

You can't steal
my guy away from me, sister

'Cause we're so in
love, so in love are we.

You can't break this spell
of love, hey mister

So you're a
mechanic these days

Oh.

The motorcycle.

Sure. A mechanic.
What about you

Oh, you know me.

Still getting by on
charm and good looks

Suppose you're coasting by
on your knowledge

of the deadly arts.

Is that some kind of
clever reference

to my marital difficulties

Oh, no, no

All because a girl can handle
firearms and knows her way

around explosives doesn't
mean she killed anyone.

Hey, hey.
I meant no offence.

I don't know
what you've heard,

but it's just
one of those things.

Or, in this case,
three of those things.

So don't get all
Sherlock Holmes on me.

Hey, I'm just trying
to solve the case

of how you
got so beautiful.

You always were a
velvet-tongued devil,

weren't you

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

What is that blouse
he's wearing

Hey, guys.
What's with the threads

It's a long story.
Let's just say

Todd and I landed parts
in a very misunderstood

off-Broadway play
and we'll leave it at that.

Can I talk
to you for a second

So, how's army life

Do you babysit

What

Yeah, I got an X-Box.

Okay, you're not
doing this. Give me the ring.

Not letting you
do it..

Stop it.Stop it.

Why are the two of you
always in my lady business

ReallyAlways!

We do that because we're the
only ones who care enough

to call you on
your bullshit.

Twat

What

Remember how you and Nuts
used to stick up for me
in high school

Yeah! For a very
reasonable rate, I might add.

Yeah. That's all I'm trying
to do right now

is protect my big brother,
okay

She is a fucking disaster.

She's a stupid, crazy

she's a bitch!

You may be right.

But you don't know
how this feels.

What what feels like

I've had girlfriends
before, okay

I know a little
something. I've hadReally

How many

Tons.Really

Four.Really.

Three.

Give me that.

Why

'cause I'm adding it to your
list. I think it's important.

Don't write on my

Don't touch me.

Got anyone in mind

Come on, doll.

Is that her

Yep.

Go on!

I will.

I'm just I'm just
paralyzed with fear.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

So one adult, one veteran

Well, ah, actually, I just
wanted to tell you something.

So, ah

I'm not here to ask
you for a date

or for you to be
my sweatheart

What's a sweatheart

Swee swee
sweetheart.

I'm sorry.

I didn't have a
chance to proof this.

Um, okay.

Here it is.

Sometimes I see you on my
way to work in the mornings.

I don't mean that in like
a stalker, creepy way,

I just mean,
Hey. There she is.

Every morning.

And I noticed that you smile
at everybody who walks by.

Everybody.
Even me.

And I could
never smile back. Like ever.

Maybe because you have the
sweetest smile I've ever seen

and I just can't compete
with that, you know

And no one handles stoned
teenagers as well as you.

Like, anywhere.

And that's a gift.
Believe me.

And you don't have to worry
'cause I'm not going to

try to ask you out on a date
here because of a technical

difficulty with my existence,
but even if I wasn't dying,

I probably wouldn't have the
courage to ask you out anyway.

I mean, usually I date women
who are easily distracted

and/or horribly depressed.

That's my type -
just slow and sad.

And I probably shouldn't
have said that last part.

I just wanted you to know
that somebody in this world

saw you from far away and
thinks that you're beautiful.

And if that can ever give you
even the tiniest bit

of a feeling of happiness,

then I'm happy that I made
a fool of myself.

You're just sore
'cause I broke your heart.

That wasn't my heart, it was
my leg and it wasn't you,

it was your other boyfriend.

That was a long time ago, Cal.

You must be used to
holding on to small things.

That's hilarious.

So where the fuck are
you taking me, anyway

Private club.
Members only.

I don't think I belong here.

Why do you say that

Well, just look around.

Don't worry.

They know me here.

What
Do you work here, too

I'm a mechanic, remember

Give it a good home.

There's a creepy gentleman
down at the end of the bar

looking at me
like he wants to fuck me.

Don't worry about him.

It's a boyfriend thing.

A boyfr
Um, um! Hello!

Missing a vital piece of
information, apparently.

What

I'd thought a guy like you
would be more nonchalant

about something like this.

Actually, you're wrong.

I'm very chalant
about stuff like this.

Super
fucking chalant. Let's go.

You're not afraid of
Big Mitch there, hm

Absolutely not, okay

But it still doesn't make it
swell for me to be drinking

at a biker bar with your
boyfriend, okay

Ex-boyfriend.
We broke up.

When

Last night.

Last night

Okay.
You're fishing for jealousy

and you're trying
to use me as bait.

Tell you what.

I can use you

and you can use me.

Any way you like.

Deal

Deal!

You just crossed
a very fine line.

Here we go.

Perhaps, ah, perhaps
you should go home, huh

How you doin'
I'm Cal White.

I take it you're
Big Mitch.

Listen, pal, can I
just tell you that

Whoa, whoa!
Just -

can I say what
I was going to say Please

Now, listen: Miranda there is
obviously a grownup

who can make her own
decisions, right

And today she's decided to
spend the afternoon with me,

okay So I think that
you should also be a grown up

and respect her decision.

Whaddya say, Big Mitch

Well I say, ah, Cal White

Mm.

Meet Big Mitch.

Oh!

You're Big Mitch

Yeah.

That's Big Mitch!

I'm Cal White.

That's Miranda,
who you've

I just heard the speech,
fella.

Okay.

I li this is -
is this your place

'cause I was ask
it's a great

You're not going,
are ya

I was gonna leave.

No you're not.

I wish you'd let go
of my hand.

Have a seat.

Okay.

Now, Cal,
the way I see it,

Miranda and I are havin'
a tiny little lover's quarrel.

And the way you see it, is
she's movin' on to you.

Now I call that a
difference of opinion.

And do you know how we solve
differences of opinion

here at Satan's Finest

Reasonable discourse

Wheel of Misfortune.

The Wheel of Misfortune.

What's a Wheel of Misfortune

Ho, ho, ho!

If you're doin' this to impress
me, Mitch, it's not working.

Rules is rules, baby.

You don't own me.
I can see anyone I want to!

You'll see Cal again, here.
At his funeral.

Spin it.

Uh, what's a Stick
and Nail Fight

It's a fight with
sticks and nails.

I can't do this again.
I out.

Ivan
see her home.

I'll go, too.

No, no, no.

Can I please just
use the bathroom

Outside in five.

Course there's no windows.

Gonna fuckin' die.

Okay, I'm going to die.

You're going to die.

Why're you darkenin'
my door, Nuts

Call it a down payment.

I'm not fighting.
Juicey ain't, either.

Oh, Jesus!
A silver bar!

Yeah.

Argh, Mate!
What are you a pirate

You gonna sweeten the deal

Throw in a few dubloons

I'll get the rest
for you later.

Well, I'm no pawn broker.

It goes on tonight.

Okay, what if it doesn't

What are you going do
Kill me

I mean, 'cause I gotta tell
you, Fitz, that is a very,

very ineffective
threat these days.

If it were only up
to me, Nuts, boy.

But I'm afraid we're
going to have to talk to

The Management
about all 'dis.

Oh, no, no, no, no!
No! Whoa!

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

It's The Management, boy!
It's The Management!

Now we're negotiating,
aren't we

Ah!

Stop, stop!

You know the deal: now, maybe
you don't care about yerself,

but ya care about
your baby brother.

One of ya can get
hurt in the ring.

Or both of youse can
get hurt in the street.

Choose wisely.

He'll fight.

Good.

Make sure it looks good.

Fucking die.

Boys, you three
are going to die.

I'm actually going to die.

Whoo!

Okay.

Okay.
Let's go.

Let's go.

This is it, obviously!

Yep.

Where's Miranda

I sent her home.

I didn't want have
her see me kill you.

What if I win

If you win, you go
and be with Miranda.

On my word of honour.

But I don't think either of
us thinks that's very likely.

Okay.

You're sort of far away.

I mean, do I just -
just whatever

You're really
overthinking this.

Alright.

Alright, come on, baby.

You can do this thing.

I'm coming!

Ah!

Argh!

Young man, I make the
Jihad on your skull.

Ah!

Huh

Huh

Fuck it!

Hey, Mitch

Oh

What do I do now

You want me to take you
to the hospital, or what

I didn't think you
had it in you, Dude.

Big Mitch
is a man of his word.

So you go on.

You go to Miranda.

But you're takin' me with ya.

What are you doing

I'm keeping my word.

Okay. It's a really
cute joke, but can I just -

will you get the key

I don't have
a key to this one.

Come on, man!

And I certainly don't
have the key to this one.

Come on!

I want to do it, too!

I said no!

You never let me do anything!

This is really
dangerous, Todd, okay

If I ever catch you doing
something this

dangerous and stupid,
I will sell your testicles

to Chinese organ thieves.

Stupid Jacob!

Stupid blouse!

Sassy.

Oh my God.

How much longer are we
supposed to stay here

Like, come on, man!
What about your word of honour

I'm keeping my word.

Keeping No, no!
This isn't keeping your word.

Sure it is.

This is what they call
passive resistance.

Are you insane

Seriously!
What if a train comes

And what are we going to do

Sit here like assholes cuffed
to the tracks all day

I really didn't
think that far ahead.

Man, I really didn't
think that far ahead.

Oh my God.

This is doing shit!

Here!
Use my machete.

Who the fuck carries
a machete

Jesus!

It's not working!

It's doing shit!

Stop. Stop.
You're dulling the blade.

So fucking what

We need the blade sharp!

Why do we need the blade sharp
Why do we need the blade sharp

'cause you're going
to hack off my limb!

I'm not hacking off
your limb!

If you don't hack
my limb

I'll keep your fucking ass
on the tracks with me!

I can't chop off
your hand.

I can chop off
your hand.

Okay.
You alright

Go, man!

I just want to
check in with you.

Just hack the fucking limb!

Alright!
On the count of three!

On three
You fucking crazy

What's wrong with three

Well it's going to hurt
more if I'm expecting it!

Oh, I apologize if my
hand-cutting etiquette
is a little off!

Just do it when I'm
not expecting it!

On two, then!

Just hack
I'm trying!the fucking

Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhh!

Hey, Mitch.

Stay awake.
We're almost at the hospital.

Hey, what's with your car, man

It's a rental, okay

Can we just not talk anymore
until we get to the hospital

How 'bout that

I didn't think you
had it in you, Sport.

Did I judid you not just here
what I just said, or what

Change the station, Mom.

Let's go.

It's time.

Oh, really
Thousand Island dressing

Wha Oh, what
the fuck is that

It looks like you
got fucking shingles!

Maybe I woulda got
a better dressing

if you
were there for me.

Ah, you look like
a fuckin' leper!

Where were you

It doesn't matter, kay
Just wipe that shit off.

We got to weight you in.

Maybe we'll pick
up some Crisco.

There it is.

I don't even think
it's for sale.

Oh, it will be.

Remember, do not
use our real names.

You got it,
Smell-vis.

General Mayhem,
let's roll.

Look, you can't tell anybody
about this, alright

And if you ever think about
doing something as stupid

as this, I swear, I'm
going to I will

I'm not a very good
role model, am I

Alright,
so the door's open.

Someone's home.

I can't let them
see the barrel,

so what do you say when
they ask you where I am

What's a Jacob

Perfect.

Hey, Toddy!

Keep your fucking thumb out!

The second that
bell rings I'm coming out

with the one-four-three.
Then jab

Or, or, or
just fucking work the outside.

What

Yeah, you wear him down.
You run.

Stick and jab keep to
the outside, you know

Tire him out a bit.

No. I'm goin'
for the early K.O.

That's
certainly a possibility.

Fuck am I greasy!

Hey!

Hm

You brought your mitts

What

Yeah.

Yeah. I
I slid by Pal's to

Really

Yeah.

You're giving me your mitts

Yeah. Don't make
a big deal of it.

Nuts,
I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

I'm fuckin' touched, Nuts.

Nuts, you're the best
brother in the world.

Why'd you hafta say that

What the fuck, Nuts

Ah, I can't do this!

What

You're not fighting.
You're not ready for Tank-Boy.

Oh, I am ready!

You said Tank-Boy
was scrawny as fuck.

Well,
he's recently filled out.

I'm in prime form!

Juicey, you're
oh-and-two against Todd!

You're just jealous!

Ah, just sit.

Listen, I have done
a lot of things in my life

that I'm not proud of,
okay

But recently certain things
have come to light and

I'm seeing things different and
I'm lookin' at my baby brother,

who I want to
help and protect.

And I hope to God you don't
hate me for what I did, but

I signed you up
for this fight

knowing you were going
to get your ass handed to you.

Right.

What
No, no right!

I sold you out!
For money!

And not a lot of it.

Juicey,
look at me.

Don't do this.

I'm gonna fight
and I'm gonna win.

Argghh.

Hey!

What the fuck was that

That was Tank-Boy.

What

Todd, where's Cob

I'll give you five bucks.

He's heading over the Falls.

He

Marry a good one, son.

She got incarcerated!

They died.
All of them.

Doesn't mean she
killed anyone!

Something has to change
in me. The ring it was a sign.

That's reckless!

That's more like
Duke than anything!

I gotta stop whoring around
and I need to settle down.

That was Chlamydia!

The fuck am I doing

Okay.
Just relax.

Yes.

The fuck am I doing

Is he dead

He's fine.

Might have lost a hand,
but he's alright.

Just a hand

Yeah.

You want to do some
more sightseeing

What'd you have in mind

Come on.

I'm invincible.

Whoa!

Ow!

What is going on

What is going on
in that boy's head

Why

It's on his list.

What list

What pills

The pills, you know, that
they all took for money.

That's his car!

Pull over!

Jacob!

Jacob!

Jacob! Jacob!

I see the barrel!
There!

Jacob!

Jacob!
Stop!

Mom

Stop, honey -
you're not going to die!

What

Oh, honey!
You're not going to die!

Get out of there!

Please open the lid,
sweetheart.

Can you hear me

Okay, it's stuck.

Toddy, get me a rock.

Do you understand me
You're not gonna die!

Honey, those pills
That was Duke's stupid idea!

When you boys came home
with those pills

I sure as hell wasn't going to
let my kids be guinea pigs!

So I filled them
with Tic Tacs!

Tic Tacs

Tic Tacs!

I mean, what mother lets her
kids test drugs for money

I'm going to live.

Oh my God!

I'm gonna live!

Oh!

No, no!

Ahhhh!
I'm going to die!

Ah!

Jake!

Jesus! No, Nuts!
Will you stop!

Come on!
You're gonna get killed!

Sooner or later.

Not today.

Okay, we'll I don't know
we'll figure something out.

Nah. Nah.
For the first time in my life

I'm doing something that
ain't all about me.

If that means taking a hook to
the head and making

my short life
even shorter,

so fucking be it.

Ref!

Keep your eyes open, eh

Fuck 'em right up, Nuts!

I just wish I had
some sort of sign.

See, maybe now I have
a serious problem.

Maybe I am reckless.

Miranda
she's a

she's a meat grinder.

There's gonna be
a limb getting hacked

each and every week
with that one.

Maybe maybe nothing
matters anymore, you know

I should just nut up
and do this thing.

What do you think, bud

Probably right!

Thanks.

Y'know, I was just chatting
with that guy over there

and bam it occurs to me that
those Maid of the Mist boats

down there would be pretty
ideal to mule drugs

across the border.

So, I was thinking wait:
how well can you swim

Ah, I, um, I woke up this
morning with a plan, you know

I was gonna ask you a
really big question.

Well, then I'm not so sure.
Now.

I'm Ah, I'm just
I'm looking for a sign, is all.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, don't wait forever.
Life's short!

Ha!
Yeah, that's very true.

Ah!

Help!

That's very true.
Okay.

Fuck it!
Here goes.

Ah!
Ah, ah, ah!

Miranda

Ah, ah!

Will you

Oh my God!

Today is the fourteenth day
since the end of my life.

Now, I don't
believe in miracles.

I believe in odds.

And if you forced my bet,
I'd wager I'm straight up dead.

And that this is
one of those

life flashes
before your eyes moments.

Like a dream you
swear lasted months,

even though you knew you'd
just slept for an hour.

Maybe a clever trick your brain
plays on your body

to ease that painful,
permanent fade to black,

wrapping your head
in warm thoughts

so you don't feel the cold,
hard hand of death.

But I saw things.

I saw my resurrection.

And this is what I saw.

I saw a slip of the noose
and it's off like a torpedo.

And when that giant manpedo
decides to surface,

well, I saw
a sight to behold.

I saw my boy one last time.

I'm looking for a sign.

My reckless son.

And I knew

Miranda

For once in my life

Will you

I was there for him.

That was a sign!

I gotta go.

Then I saw my eldest.

And I was flooded by thoughts
of all the wrong I did to him.

Now a dead body floating
in the water miles away

can't possibly
save my wayward son.

But if a concerned tourist
happened to call 911.

And if the ambulance sent to
fish the bloated corpse out of

the water happened to skid off
the road and into a Hydro pole.

Well then my wayward son

suddenly stands
a fighting chance.

I saw my boy and weight
came off my heavy heart.

Like I could float.

Like the impossible
was made possible.

And just when I thought
I could feel no more joy,

I saw something else.

My other boy.
The one I never understood.

The odds in surviving the
Falls are a million to one.

And I saw those odds beat.

I saw a twist of fate that
can only be called a miracle.

I saw that noose
catch that barrel

and I knew that the odds
just didn't matter any more.

It's something more
than impossible.

More than
the odds can allow.

And then I saw the future.

And it was cloudier still.

But I know what I saw.

And I was basking in a
light I didn't deserve.

For I saw a miracle.

It was so close it
was like I was there.

Like I was part of it.

Like I could almost touch it.

I saw the lives of my boys.

My family.

Fate erasing the stain
of all my misdeeds.

And I knew everything
was going to be okay.

For I had a
reversal of fortune.

A resurrection.

A bona fide miracle.

And I was so happy I
knew I must be dead.