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1
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,663
He's a madman!
2
00:00:40,625 --> 00:00:42,460
I must warn the president!
3
00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:47,298
Giant spider!
4
00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:02,480
And they say you scientists
are supposed to be smart.
5
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,996
The legendary Captain James West.
6
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:27,249
And I finally got him all to myself.
7
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:30,836
And surely you should feel free
to treat him just...
8
00:03:31,587 --> 00:03:32,922
- ...bad.
- Ohh.
9
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,974
Um...
10
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,268
Darling...
11
00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:50,481
Hold on to that for me for one second,
would you?
12
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:59,990
General McGrath's boys. Waiting for y'all
for a week, you show up now.
13
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:04,286
Jim. You wouldn't be working
up here tonight, now would you?
14
00:04:04,829 --> 00:04:08,958
Working? Now would you be working
if you were up here with you?
15
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:10,918
I didn't think so.
16
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,630
Wagon's coming!
17
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,764
Come on, McGrath's waiting
on this stuff.
18
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,651
Pack it up good, Virgil.
19
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:37,486
Next stop, New Orleans.
20
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,712
I'm not working!
21
00:04:55,588 --> 00:04:56,755
Problem solved.
22
00:04:56,964 --> 00:05:01,677
You can't just ram a man's personal things
into some hole like that.
23
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,554
Is that so?
24
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,723
I didn't mean it like that.
25
00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:07,975
REB4:
Damn, this crate's heavy!
26
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,981
Oh, Jim!
27
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,319
Much as I'd like to take credit for that,
you might wanna hand me my gun.
28
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:27,953
Uh-oh!
29
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,426
Whoo!
30
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:46,972
That was fun! Which one of you boys
wants to strip down and go next?
31
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,767
Bet you do. Huh?
32
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,605
Sure could use some clothes here!
33
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,028
Well, well.
34
00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:02,947
We got us a shy nig...
35
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:11,872
Pants!
36
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,326
There was blood on the saddle
37
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,245
And blood on the ground
38
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,164
And a great big puddle of blood
39
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:56,000
All around
40
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:09,471
Oh, I'm so sorry.
That won't be possible. I have...
41
00:07:09,722 --> 00:07:11,015
...tonsillitis.
42
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,858
I'm still waiting on my guns
and ammunition.
43
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,277
I see my men have brought
your merchandise.
44
00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,070
General McGrath...
45
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,865
...your weapons are being delivered
as we speak.
46
00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:31,243
Now, shall we go upstairs
and check the merchandise?
47
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,246
Direct me to the poot, sir.
48
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,041
I want something young and creamy.
49
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:40,502
A gamer that takes to the crop
and the spur.
50
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,213
You drive a hard bargain.
All right, 50 cents.
51
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:46,717
I'm very flattered,
but I'm just not interested.
52
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,261
You gotta be interested.
You're a whore!
53
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:53,724
I may be a whore, but I work alone!
54
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,454
Now I'm working.
55
00:08:26,799 --> 00:08:27,841
Ma'am.
56
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,057
Nitro!
57
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:40,062
This is not the way
you transport nitro!
58
00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,981
Whoa!
59
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,943
What's your name, missy?
60
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,528
Dora.
61
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,864
My mother's name was Dora.
62
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,657
Oh, really?
63
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,702
What kind of lady are you?
64
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,497
She's mine!
65
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,793
I feel like a ditty.
66
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:46,920
Go on, girl! Sing!
67
00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:49,965
Okay, it's a ditty.
68
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,551
"Sons of the South."
69
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,511
Here you are.
70
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,726
Ohh.
71
00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:02,978
Tempo.
72
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:07,858
Whoa!
73
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,277
Whoa!
74
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:23,791
All right. Okay...
75
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,459
Back on up now.
76
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:41,642
General "Bloodbath" McGrath.
77
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,437
Sons of the South, come to glory
78
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,272
Sons of the South
79
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,066
Arise
80
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:53,070
Sons of the South, come to glory
81
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:57,157
Come, come, come, arise
82
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,967
That's a lot of ham
for these skinny legs, let me tell you!
83
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:20,847
Oh!
84
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:22,599
That's a new one. Look!
85
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,729
Let me out! Please!
86
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,440
- This room's occupied.
- I'll say.
87
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,658
Don't let the ear frighten you.
88
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,451
I lost it at Chickamauga.
89
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,412
Really? One can hardly notice.
90
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:47,541
Would you help me undress?
I always have trouble undoing this clasp.
91
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,209
Thank you.
92
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172
What's this?
93
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,633
Why, it's a deep, deep pool.
94
00:11:56,967 --> 00:12:01,221
Maybe it's your old swimming hole,
general. Are you feeling sleepy?
95
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:02,764
Yes, I'm sleepy.
96
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,350
Now you'll be my little doggy.
97
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,604
When I say "speak," you'll tell me
everything. Understood?
98
00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:12,316
Very good. Tell me,
who's in that sack in the other room?
99
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,693
Which scientist is it? Dr. Escobar? Speak.
100
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,615
You can speak words, you stupid mutt.
101
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,743
Who do you work for?
Who paid you to kidnap Escobar?
102
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,038
No, watch the swirling spiral.
Watch the...
103
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,331
Bad dog!
104
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:30,000
Bad dog! Watch... Oh. Damn!
105
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,668
Stay! Stay!
106
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,837
Bad dog!
107
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:41,219
Didn't mean to startle you.
Looked like you could use help.
108
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,805
Looks can be
deceiving, dark stranger. I'm fine.
109
00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,390
I'm sure you are, ma'am.
110
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:49,269
Big, sturdy gal like you
probably gets top dollar too.
111
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:51,521
Here you go.
112
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:55,901
Run along. I'm gonna sing
my old friend McGrath a lullaby.
113
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,527
I need him!
114
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:01,531
You got your money. Run along!
Have a little dignity.
115
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,866
West!
116
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,583
West!
117
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,966
That'd be an awful career decision.
118
00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,103
West! West! Go! Go get him!
119
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,451
Get Escobar out of here!
120
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,578
Stop or I'll squeeze.
121
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:53,917
U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, lady!
122
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,919
I'm not a lady! I'm a U.S. marshal!
123
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:58,004
Stay out of my way!
124
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:01,758
"Get out of my way, get out of my way.
125
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,844
U.S. Army.
126
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,429
U.S. marshal."
127
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,139
Oh, dear!
128
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,767
Federal agents inside, sir.
129
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,771
So Miss Lippenreider informs me,
Mr. Hudson.
130
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,194
Still, I believe
good manners dictate...
131
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:24,197
...that we should send out
the welcome wagon.
132
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:34,708
Now what?
133
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,908
Whoa.
134
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,514
Whoa, there, partner!
135
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,058
The war may have got you
40 acres and a mule...
136
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:37,145
...but you can't just traipse into the
president's office. Give me that gun.
137
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,231
What, that one?
138
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,399
What about that one?
139
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:46,613
Whoop!
140
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,865
- That'll get you killed.
- Gentlemen!
141
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:52,577
Don't make Captain West any later
than he already is.
142
00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:59,292
There've been a lot of death threats.
143
00:15:59,543 --> 00:16:02,379
The Cabinet made me hire
these damned detectives.
144
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,465
Drink? Cigar?
145
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,509
Don't mind if I do, sir.
146
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,637
So I understand you let
General McGrath get away.
147
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:13,098
That's not exactly the way it happened.
148
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:16,643
- Some half-a-sissy masquerading as...
- Artemus Gordon.
149
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,061
You know him?
150
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:21,690
Of course. He's the best marshal
I've got. A kind of genius.
151
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:26,611
Gordon has proven himself as a cunning
operator, with a rapacious intellect.
152
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,489
Nothing will stop him
from completing a mission...
153
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:33,285
...except maybe the impulsive actions
of a headstrong cowboy.
154
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:35,412
Who are you, mister?
155
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,706
What do you mean, who am I?
156
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,041
I am the President of the United States.
157
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,543
Wrong answer.
158
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,590
Who are you?
159
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,969
I am the President of the...
I'm Artemus Gordon.
160
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:53,263
How did you know?
161
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,934
The President went to West Point.
That says Harvard.
162
00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,769
Very observant.
163
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,191
Somebody mind telling me
what's going on?
164
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,027
President Grant, um...
165
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,447
Sir, these are perilous times.
166
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:14,409
I was merely demonstrating how someone,
using the art of disguise...
167
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,747
...could penetrate into the very bowels
of the White House, sir.
168
00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:22,375
You're clever, Gordon.
One day it's going to get you killed.
169
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,794
Like today.
170
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:30,842
And, West, not every situation calls for
your approach of "shoot first...
171
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,844
...shoot later, shoot some more...
172
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,223
...then when everybody's dead,
try to ask a question or two."
173
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,224
Working together will be good.
174
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,602
- Working together?
- With all due respect...
175
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:43,730
You'll work the way your
Commander in Chief tells you to.
176
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,441
Well, I was coming to that, sir.
177
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,286
Gentlemen, America's top scientists...
178
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,289
...in the fields of physics,
hydraulics, explosives...
179
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:06,127
...all kidnapped in the last year,
and all by General McGrath, it now appears.
180
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:09,547
You two have been working
on the same case the whole time.
181
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,342
Why did it take so long
to figure it out?
182
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,471
One of us was trying to catch McGrath,
and the other was trying to marry him.
183
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,098
We don't have time for this.
184
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,351
Only one week, if we believe this.
185
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,854
"General Grant,
the scientists you seek...
186
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,649
...are in my employ creating
a weapons system...
187
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,318
...beyond the pale
of contemporary imagination.
188
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,988
I suggest you put
your affairs in order.
189
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:36,866
You have one week before you will
surrender the U.S. government."
190
00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:40,161
The letter was delivered today
with that cake.
191
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,208
- It's marzipan, isn't it?
- Careful.
192
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,254
It's McGrath, sir.
193
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,716
McGrath may be a vicious killer,
but a mastermind he is not.
194
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,177
So whom do we seek?
After consulting with Intelligence...
195
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:59,347
McGrath is on his way to New Orleans.
The longer we stay here...
196
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,975
...the farther he gets.
I don't need Intelligence.
197
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:03,852
You'd rather rely on stupidity.
198
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,937
I am leaving today for Utah...
199
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:10,066
...where the transcontinental railroads
will be joined at Promontory Point.
200
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,569
You two are the best I've got.
201
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,779
Put aside your differences...
202
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:18,533
...and find this madman,
whoever he is, and stop him.
203
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,869
You have one week.
204
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,412
Dismissed.
205
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,546
Gentlemen.
206
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,840
The Wanderer is at your disposal.
207
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:36,217
Engine number five, track six.
208
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:39,429
Mr. Gordon, the item you requested.
209
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,264
Thank you.
210
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,688
- Figures.
- My new invention.
211
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,818
The Bi-Valve Interior Combustion
Twice-Exhausted Bi-Axle Nitro-Cycle.
212
00:19:54,069 --> 00:19:56,946
Save it. Got a train to catch. Hyah!
213
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,993
Not if I catch it first.
214
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:09,209
Avanti!
215
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,601
Nice horse!
216
00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,249
Gordon!
217
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,668
Gordon!
218
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:56,840
Stop the train!
219
00:21:03,346 --> 00:21:05,557
Hey! I'm warning you!
220
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,267
Gordon! Stop the train!
221
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,894
Come in. Have a seat.
222
00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:11,980
Stop the train!
223
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,315
Stop smiling at me!
224
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,453
How nice of you to drop in.
225
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,413
All right...
226
00:21:30,039 --> 00:21:33,960
Let's drop the beards, the bikes,
the fake boobies.
227
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,338
Let's set that needlepoint aside
and handle this like men.
228
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:40,884
As a matter of clarification,
this is not needlepoint.
229
00:21:41,676 --> 00:21:43,178
This is needlepoint.
230
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,514
I'm putting the final touches
on my latest invention.
231
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,850
I call it The Impermeable.
232
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:50,894
It's a vest.
When worn under clothing...
233
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:54,230
...it can stop any bullet,
fired even at close range.
234
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,816
- Is that so?
- But I haven't tested it fully yet.
235
00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:58,026
Guns.
236
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:02,697
I find them primitive and unnecessary
if one's done one's proper planning.
237
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:07,368
I have always felt that allowing any
situation to degenerate into violence...
238
00:22:07,619 --> 00:22:09,662
...constitutes a failure on my part.
239
00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:10,997
Well, Mr. Gordon...
240
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,707
...you failed.
241
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,965
All right, Mr. West,
we'll settle this...
242
00:22:21,591 --> 00:22:23,092
...like men.
243
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:39,442
Ding!
244
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,491
I love this train.
245
00:22:49,786 --> 00:22:50,912
- Cheers!
- Gordon!
246
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,415
While you're down there,
feel free to make use...
247
00:22:54,666 --> 00:22:57,585
...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-Rail
Vehicular Egressor.
248
00:22:58,044 --> 00:22:59,796
I designed it myself!
249
00:23:03,341 --> 00:23:06,219
I've been thinking.
Maybe the president's right.
250
00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:10,223
We should put aside our differences
and work together.
251
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:16,104
Fight each other all you please.
Harm my train, I'll douse you like dogs.
252
00:23:16,354 --> 00:23:18,314
That's my truffle reduction sauce.
253
00:23:18,773 --> 00:23:22,193
Let's get on about our
president's business, shall we?
254
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:24,153
- Where to?
- New Orleans.
255
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,739
- Why don't we let Professor Morton decide?
- Who?
256
00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:30,285
I don't need some nobody professor
telling me where to head.
257
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:35,415
Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,
kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago.
258
00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:40,295
Expert in the field of metallurgy.
Discovered in a field of alfalfa.
259
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:42,463
That's a man's head.
260
00:23:42,964 --> 00:23:47,176
This magnetic collar was found about
six feet away, near his body.
261
00:23:47,427 --> 00:23:49,220
Still trying to figure that out.
262
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:50,597
That's a man's head.
263
00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:55,393
According to the Retinal Terminus
Theory, a dying person's last image...
264
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,938
...burns into his eyeball like a photo.
Perhaps there's a clue.
265
00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:02,317
I give you Morton's last image.
266
00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:06,070
That's a man's head.
267
00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:18,791
Refraction of the lenses causes the image
to appear upside down, so we simply...
268
00:24:27,759 --> 00:24:28,801
That...
269
00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,763
...is a man's...
270
00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:35,975
...head.
271
00:24:37,018 --> 00:24:38,061
Voilà!
272
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:41,147
McGrath.
273
00:24:41,314 --> 00:24:43,858
Something's in his pocket.
It's too fuzzy to see.
274
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,361
Mortification of the aqueous humor's
led to a loss...
275
00:24:46,611 --> 00:24:47,695
Glasses.
276
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:58,289
"Friends of the South, come to
a costume ball, April 14, half past 8.
277
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,166
346 Pine Court, Garden District."
278
00:25:01,167 --> 00:25:02,710
New Orleans.
279
00:25:15,932 --> 00:25:19,686
Gypsy queen... pirate...
280
00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:22,855
Ah. How about this?
Come as my manservant.
281
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:25,441
Why, yes'um, Master Gordon!
282
00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:29,612
I swears I'd be delighted!
I sing, I dance for you, sir.
283
00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:33,991
I swears none of the white folks'll
know I'd rather shoot myself...
284
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:36,327
...than play your damn manservant.
285
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:38,579
You must wear something.
It's a costume party.
286
00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,540
This is all I need to wear.
287
00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,792
If you insist on a firearm,
I have something...
288
00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,712
...you'll find intriguing.
I designed it to go...
289
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:47,547
...with this.
290
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,842
Jim West does not wear costumes.
291
00:25:51,134 --> 00:25:52,719
Very well. What's your plan?
292
00:25:52,969 --> 00:25:56,013
I was thinking I'd go
as a government agent...
293
00:25:56,264 --> 00:25:58,391
...who'll kill
General Bloodbath McGrath.
294
00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:02,603
An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a
room full of white former slave owners.
295
00:26:02,854 --> 00:26:04,188
You'll win first prize.
296
00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:07,984
Listen, the art of disguise
is what we need to get into the party...
297
00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:10,194
...to find the kidnapped scientists...
298
00:26:10,445 --> 00:26:13,990
...before they're forced to create
something that'll destroy the U.S.
299
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,993
You and I have been handpicked
by the president.
300
00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:20,955
Our freedom is at stake,
and this is our duty as men.
301
00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:23,958
You go as a riverboat captain,
and I'll be a saloon girl.
302
00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:27,420
Let me tell you something about
your art of disguise.
303
00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:31,048
That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't difficult
to see you weren't a woman.
304
00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:33,134
I was propositioned by three men.
305
00:26:33,384 --> 00:26:34,802
You looked nasty.
306
00:26:35,052 --> 00:26:36,679
Just butt-ugly.
307
00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:39,557
I mean, your breasts
were hard and stiff...
308
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,935
...and stuck out like a couple
of rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
309
00:26:43,186 --> 00:26:45,563
These breasts are a work of art.
310
00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:48,191
Aesthetically
and scientifically perfect.
311
00:26:48,608 --> 00:26:49,901
They look like shit.
312
00:26:52,153 --> 00:26:53,654
- Touch them.
- I'm not touching those.
313
00:26:53,905 --> 00:26:55,698
Afraid you're wrong?
Touch my breasts!
314
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,742
Just one. Touch one!
315
00:26:59,368 --> 00:27:00,661
Happy? I'm touching them.
316
00:27:00,912 --> 00:27:02,038
I knew it!
317
00:27:02,288 --> 00:27:03,706
Squeeze it gently.
318
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,418
Not that hard! Now you've shifted
all the buckwheat around.
319
00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,295
Buckwheat? That's your problem.
320
00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:11,714
What are you doing?
321
00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:24,143
Now touch my breast.
322
00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:31,275
- Oh.
- Eh? That's what a breast should feel like.
323
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:32,652
Very nice.
324
00:27:33,027 --> 00:27:36,447
- Now touch yourself.
- Oh, my God, I'm hard!
325
00:27:40,910 --> 00:27:42,620
I was just gonna jot down a note.
326
00:27:45,957 --> 00:27:47,708
You could put a gun on that.
327
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,877
Then where would I keep my pencil?
328
00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:54,131
I think you underestimate
the convenience of a pocket.
329
00:28:22,952 --> 00:28:25,413
What are you doing here, boy?
330
00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:27,707
I sorry, sir.
331
00:28:28,207 --> 00:28:29,375
I was hoping...
332
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:31,919
I was hoping I wouldn't...
333
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,131
...have to break your nose.
334
00:28:50,897 --> 00:28:52,273
White folks.
335
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:55,860
Get your hands off me!
336
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,864
Put me in the dungeon with those smelly,
bearded men, but I won't get on that!
337
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,241
- You applied for the position.
- A standing-up one!
338
00:29:02,825 --> 00:29:04,410
I'm an entertainer.
339
00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:10,416
Stop complaining. You'll enjoy it.
340
00:29:22,136 --> 00:29:26,432
An authentic cowboy outfit,
complete with six-guns.
341
00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:29,977
What a terribly clever costume, Mr...?
342
00:29:30,144 --> 00:29:31,187
West.
343
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,523
- Jim West.
- West.
344
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:37,401
Well, West meets East.
345
00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:40,321
- Mae Lee East.
- Ma'am.
346
00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,033
Are you here alone, Mr. West?
347
00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:49,163
I'm looking to surprise an old friend,
General McGrath. You haven't seen him?
348
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:53,125
I don't think that name was on our
guest list. And I would know.
349
00:29:53,417 --> 00:29:56,295
I am Dr. Loveless' personal assistant.
350
00:29:56,504 --> 00:29:58,214
Dr. Arliss Loveless?
351
00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:00,257
Funny how some folks think he's dead.
352
00:30:00,591 --> 00:30:03,844
Tonight is his coming-out party.
353
00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,810
See anybody that looks familiar?
354
00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:13,854
Matter of fact, I do.
355
00:30:14,105 --> 00:30:15,356
I am jealous.
356
00:30:15,606 --> 00:30:16,774
Don't be.
357
00:30:21,612 --> 00:30:24,490
Meet me later in the foyer.
358
00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:32,540
Mine eyes have seen the glory
359
00:30:32,707 --> 00:30:34,542
Of the coming of the Lord
360
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:39,171
He is trampling out the vintage
Where the grapes of wrath are stored
361
00:30:39,422 --> 00:30:43,884
He has loosed the fateful lightning
Of His terrible swift sword
362
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:48,806
His truth is marching on
363
00:31:06,198 --> 00:31:10,036
Don't you just hate that song?
364
00:31:18,169 --> 00:31:21,547
Why, y'all look like
you've seen a ghost.
365
00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:25,009
It's me, dear friends.
366
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,762
Alive and kicking.
367
00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:31,098
Well, alive, anyway.
368
00:31:32,016 --> 00:31:33,434
We may have lost the war...
369
00:31:33,851 --> 00:31:37,313
...but heaven knows we haven't lost
our sense of humor.
370
00:31:38,022 --> 00:31:41,859
No, not even when we lost a lung...
371
00:31:42,151 --> 00:31:43,694
...a spleen...
372
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,488
...a bladder...
373
00:31:45,738 --> 00:31:47,698
...two legs...
374
00:31:47,907 --> 00:31:50,910
...35 feet of small intestine...
375
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:55,873
...and our ability to reproduce,
all in the name of the South!
376
00:31:56,123 --> 00:31:59,460
Do we ever lose our sense of humor?
377
00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,132
Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude...
378
00:32:05,382 --> 00:32:08,427
...to our friends from across the sea
for their comfort...
379
00:32:08,636 --> 00:32:10,513
...and kindness.
380
00:32:11,931 --> 00:32:14,308
So mi casa es su casa!
381
00:32:17,228 --> 00:32:20,606
Let the party begin!
382
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:24,985
Mr. West.
383
00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,408
How nice of you to join us...
384
00:32:31,659 --> 00:32:34,495
...and add color
to these monochromatic proceedings.
385
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:36,247
When one comes back from the dead...
386
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:39,125
...I find that an occasion to stand up,
be counted.
387
00:32:40,251 --> 00:32:44,713
Miss East informs me that you expected
to see General McGrath here.
388
00:32:44,964 --> 00:32:46,257
I knew him years ago...
389
00:32:46,465 --> 00:32:50,052
...but I haven't seen him
in a coon's age.
390
00:32:51,136 --> 00:32:53,514
It'd be difficult
for a man of your stature...
391
00:32:53,764 --> 00:32:56,016
...to keep in touch with
even half the people you know.
392
00:32:56,851 --> 00:33:01,438
Perhaps Miss East will keep you
from being a slave to your disappointment.
393
00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:04,608
Beautiful women encourage you
one minute...
394
00:33:04,859 --> 00:33:06,819
...then cut the legs out
from under you.
395
00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,113
Quite. Will you excuse me?
396
00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:11,907
Thank you.
397
00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:35,389
- General McGrath.
- Yes, sir.
398
00:33:49,904 --> 00:33:53,199
You're in for a big surprise
when you get this one in the saddle.
399
00:33:54,992 --> 00:33:56,619
Stupid cowboy!
400
00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:58,996
He mistake you for me.
401
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:09,256
Dr. Loveless, our cause is
in a grave situation.
402
00:34:09,465 --> 00:34:13,844
Since the nitro and guns were destroyed,
lice and demoralization has set in...
403
00:34:14,094 --> 00:34:16,222
General McGrath, if I may interrupt.
404
00:34:16,513 --> 00:34:19,224
Your men will have
their weapons tonight...
405
00:34:19,475 --> 00:34:24,271
...and they will be part of the greatest
military victory of this century.
406
00:34:24,521 --> 00:34:26,357
So have your men...
407
00:34:26,774 --> 00:34:27,816
...here...
408
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:32,071
...at 10:00 tonight.
409
00:34:34,156 --> 00:34:36,158
You, sir, are a pip.
410
00:34:36,617 --> 00:34:39,203
I'd follow you
into the jaws of Cerberus hisself.
411
00:34:39,787 --> 00:34:41,413
And so you shall.
412
00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:21,412
Help! Please! Somebody help me out!
413
00:35:47,187 --> 00:35:50,315
I said to meet me in the foyer.
414
00:35:50,733 --> 00:35:51,942
Foyer?
415
00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:54,611
I've never been much good with French.
416
00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:01,618
Au contraire.
417
00:36:03,662 --> 00:36:05,873
So let's see, Mr. West.
418
00:36:06,832 --> 00:36:10,044
Are you a dangerous spy of some sort...
419
00:36:10,294 --> 00:36:13,047
...or just a handsome cowboy...
420
00:36:13,255 --> 00:36:14,339
...who likes to...
421
00:36:15,174 --> 00:36:16,550
...poke around?
422
00:36:17,634 --> 00:36:19,595
I believe I'm that second one.
423
00:36:22,598 --> 00:36:24,516
East and West.
424
00:36:27,478 --> 00:36:30,314
Never the twain shall meet.
425
00:36:57,508 --> 00:36:58,801
Oh!
426
00:36:59,051 --> 00:37:01,887
First, I'd like to reiterate
that you make one ugly woman.
427
00:37:02,054 --> 00:37:03,222
Okay.
428
00:37:04,181 --> 00:37:07,226
Second, while you were out here,
I found out Dr. Loveless...
429
00:37:07,476 --> 00:37:09,895
...is meeting McGrath and his troops
in an hour.
430
00:37:10,145 --> 00:37:12,106
You go right ahead, enjoy the party.
431
00:37:12,356 --> 00:37:13,982
I'm gonna save the Republic.
432
00:37:14,233 --> 00:37:17,194
By the way, boobies look great tonight.
Nice and perky!
433
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,822
Oh!
434
00:37:21,532 --> 00:37:22,991
Hang him!
435
00:37:32,501 --> 00:37:37,089
We need to teach y'all a lesson
about how to behave in polite society.
436
00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:41,176
Never drum on a white lady's boobies
at a big redneck dance. Got it.
437
00:37:41,385 --> 00:37:43,720
Whoo! Sure am glad
we got that cleared up.
438
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,612
My God!
439
00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,282
Oh! Excuse me, am I intruding?
440
00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:06,201
I feel I know you from somewhere.
441
00:38:06,618 --> 00:38:07,870
Nice try, buster.
442
00:38:08,078 --> 00:38:10,873
I look like something out
of James Fenimore Cooper...
443
00:38:11,081 --> 00:38:12,958
...but I mean you no harm.
444
00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:14,960
My name is Artemus Gordon...
445
00:38:15,169 --> 00:38:18,380
...and if I'm not mistaken,
you're in trouble. Allow me.
446
00:38:20,549 --> 00:38:21,633
I'm Rita.
447
00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:23,802
I was hired as an entertainer.
448
00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:26,388
Not that I'm complaining,
but why are you here?
449
00:38:26,930 --> 00:38:31,143
I'm looking for some missing scientists,
not that I'm complaining.
450
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:40,068
I'm a special U.S. marshal
on assignment from the president.
451
00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:42,821
If you're so special,
how come you're looking up here...
452
00:38:43,030 --> 00:38:45,073
...when Loveless has them
in the dungeon?
453
00:38:45,324 --> 00:38:47,159
The dungeon has been cleared out.
454
00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:51,788
I checked it after sampling the gumbo,
which was a bit heavy on the okra.
455
00:38:53,499 --> 00:38:54,917
There you are.
456
00:38:55,459 --> 00:38:56,960
Thank you. Artemus, was it?
457
00:38:57,211 --> 00:38:58,503
It was.
458
00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:01,131
I don't forget a face that easily.
459
00:39:04,218 --> 00:39:06,053
Like to have everybody's attention.
460
00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:10,474
We've had a series of major
misunderstandings this evening...
461
00:39:10,724 --> 00:39:13,769
...and I'd like to take a minute
to clear a few of them up.
462
00:39:14,603 --> 00:39:16,146
First of which...
463
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:19,024
...the whole drumming
on the boobies thing.
464
00:39:19,650 --> 00:39:20,734
In my native land...
465
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:23,111
- Georgia?
- Africa.
466
00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:27,282
...my ancestors used drums
to communicate between villages.
467
00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,409
I'm sure y'all can see how...
468
00:39:29,618 --> 00:39:32,996
...with this gal, we can communicate
all the way to Baton Rouge.
469
00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:37,251
On a clear night,
we might even get Galveston.
470
00:39:37,501 --> 00:39:40,546
All I was saying to the gal was,
"Nice dress, darling.
471
00:39:40,796 --> 00:39:43,715
Good to see you. My name's Jim.
How's your mama?"
472
00:39:44,049 --> 00:39:46,301
Then there was the redneck comment.
473
00:39:46,510 --> 00:39:49,429
And I'm getting the sense
that y'all took that negatively.
474
00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:51,390
But let's break down that word.
475
00:39:52,057 --> 00:39:53,350
"Redneck."
476
00:39:53,642 --> 00:39:57,604
First word: Red.
Color of passion, fire, power.
477
00:39:57,854 --> 00:39:59,940
Second word: Neck.
478
00:40:02,442 --> 00:40:04,027
Neck...
479
00:40:07,823 --> 00:40:11,576
I can't think of anything for "neck,"
but y'all still got "red."
480
00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:13,829
That's something to be proud of.
481
00:40:14,413 --> 00:40:16,790
And between us,
the whole slavery thing...
482
00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,751
...I don't understand
what the big deal was anyway.
483
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,088
Who wouldn't want folks
running around doing chores?
484
00:40:23,338 --> 00:40:25,966
Are you gonna get your big,
fat ass out of bed...
485
00:40:26,216 --> 00:40:28,594
...and pick your own damn cotton?
486
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:29,803
I don't think so.
487
00:40:30,053 --> 00:40:33,307
So let's head on inside,
knock us back some shine.
488
00:40:33,557 --> 00:40:35,517
Kick this shindig off
the right way!
489
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:38,437
Come on! Put this thing away.
490
00:40:39,021 --> 00:40:40,939
Come on! Let's go inside!
491
00:40:41,148 --> 00:40:42,190
Let's hang him!
492
00:40:42,399 --> 00:40:44,610
All right, hold on. Hold on!
493
00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:49,614
I stand before you as a man realizing
that I've done something wrong.
494
00:40:50,407 --> 00:40:52,826
I'd like the opportunity
to make it right.
495
00:40:54,536 --> 00:40:56,079
- Will you marry me?
- Huh!
496
00:40:56,288 --> 00:40:58,332
"Huh!" That means "no." Darling, listen.
497
00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:00,709
Would it help if I said
I thought you were a man?
498
00:41:13,096 --> 00:41:14,848
Something's funny about that rope!
499
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,312
Thank you! We had a lovely time!
500
00:41:25,442 --> 00:41:28,528
"Hang him! Hang him!"
I ought to shoot you right now.
501
00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:32,908
Allow me to introduce you to
my trigger-happy partner, James West...
502
00:41:33,158 --> 00:41:35,994
...who doesn't realize
that my Expanding Rope invention...
503
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:40,540
...was a diversion allowing me
to search for the missing scientists.
504
00:41:40,791 --> 00:41:42,709
- Scientists?
- Yes.
505
00:41:43,043 --> 00:41:47,172
This is Rita. I found her
in a cage in Loveless' bedroom.
506
00:41:47,422 --> 00:41:48,590
She's an entertainer.
507
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,802
I'm afraid I haven't been
quite honest with you.
508
00:41:52,052 --> 00:41:53,345
My name is Rita Escobar.
509
00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:57,474
I came to find Guillermo Escobar,
the scientist. My father.
510
00:41:57,724 --> 00:42:00,602
Sorry to interrupt,
but I gotta get to Malheureux Point.
511
00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,229
Malheureux Point?
512
00:42:04,523 --> 00:42:05,691
Hyah!
513
00:42:05,941 --> 00:42:08,151
He's so impetuous.
514
00:42:09,486 --> 00:42:11,071
Yes, he's an idiot.
515
00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:20,455
Well, general, it's been
a long journey from New Liberty.
516
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:23,208
Not a day goes by
that I don't contemplate it.
517
00:42:23,375 --> 00:42:24,418
So do I.
518
00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:29,256
If I'd had the scientific understanding
of gunpowder and primers I have today...
519
00:42:29,464 --> 00:42:30,924
...I might've been standing here.
520
00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:32,217
That's not what I meant.
521
00:42:32,509 --> 00:42:35,011
You meant the stomach-churning
carnage...
522
00:42:35,303 --> 00:42:38,765
...that earned you
your unfortunate nom de guerre.
523
00:42:38,974 --> 00:42:41,893
What was that nickname again?
524
00:42:45,564 --> 00:42:47,691
Bloodbath McGrath.
525
00:42:49,484 --> 00:42:51,903
The Butcher of New Liberty.
526
00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:57,993
They ought to be here by now.
527
00:42:58,201 --> 00:43:00,495
Maybe we're in the wrong place.
528
00:43:00,954 --> 00:43:04,833
We're supposed to wait
exactly on this here spot.
529
00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:58,428
You sawed-off sadistic bastard!
You betrayed us!
530
00:43:58,637 --> 00:44:02,849
Having donated half my being to create
a weapon capable of doing this...
531
00:44:03,058 --> 00:44:05,560
...how did you and General Lee
repay my loyalty?
532
00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:09,147
You surrendered at Appomattox!
So who betrayed whom?
533
00:44:09,481 --> 00:44:12,651
Munitia, make note the turret speed
must be accelerated.
534
00:44:12,943 --> 00:44:15,654
Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8.
535
00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,031
Scream, scream...
536
00:44:18,240 --> 00:44:19,407
"Help me."
537
00:44:19,658 --> 00:44:20,951
"Do not pull my arm!"
538
00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:23,954
I demand you give the order to stop
this slaughter now!
539
00:44:24,162 --> 00:44:27,666
We'll need more loading drills.
I hear too much time between screams.
540
00:44:28,667 --> 00:44:30,418
Give them the order to desist!
541
00:44:30,627 --> 00:44:35,423
I understand your distress,
but these men are not dying senselessly.
542
00:44:35,674 --> 00:44:39,010
It is for a far greater cause
than you can possibly imagine.
543
00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:41,680
You go straight to hell, sir!
544
00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:43,265
After you, sir.
545
00:44:49,396 --> 00:44:52,816
Bloodbath McGrath indeed.
546
00:44:54,359 --> 00:44:55,902
That concludes the festivities.
547
00:44:56,236 --> 00:44:58,780
Ladies, feed him to the crabs.
548
00:44:59,030 --> 00:45:03,368
Since the beginning of written history,
a nation's power has been determined...
549
00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:06,913
...by the size of its army.
Tonight, that chapter will be closed.
550
00:45:07,247 --> 00:45:12,127
The traditional army, to say nothing of
the United States, will become extinct.
551
00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:14,504
Laid low by a cripple...
552
00:45:14,713 --> 00:45:17,173
...as the general
so amusingly implied...
553
00:45:17,382 --> 00:45:19,759
...and "mechanology."
554
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,221
But that tank is just
a little hors-d'œuvre...
555
00:45:23,430 --> 00:45:26,850
...compared to what the country's
scientists are cooking up.
556
00:45:27,058 --> 00:45:29,352
So if I have piqued your interest...
557
00:45:29,561 --> 00:45:31,646
...bring 1000 kilograms of gold...
558
00:45:31,855 --> 00:45:35,191
...to Spider Canyon
within the next four days.
559
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:39,154
And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a tank to catch.
560
00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:41,716
Whoa.
561
00:47:11,788 --> 00:47:13,248
Whoa.
562
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:25,176
Judging from the position
of these bodies...
563
00:47:25,427 --> 00:47:29,472
...it laid down a 360-degree pattern
of cannon fire.
564
00:47:30,140 --> 00:47:31,641
I think I'm gonna be sick.
565
00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:32,934
My God!
566
00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:36,104
What kind of weapon did this?
567
00:47:36,563 --> 00:47:39,774
It rolls on and on,
screeching like a wounded animal.
568
00:47:39,983 --> 00:47:42,485
It has a cabin on top with a cannon.
569
00:47:42,694 --> 00:47:44,529
It swivels around like an eagle's head.
570
00:47:44,696 --> 00:47:45,739
You saw it?
571
00:47:46,698 --> 00:47:49,993
Heard about it. I thought it was
crazy survivors' stories.
572
00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,579
Survivors?
573
00:47:52,746 --> 00:47:53,788
Not here.
574
00:47:54,038 --> 00:47:57,917
New Liberty, Illinois,
a free slave town just over the border.
575
00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:03,089
A week before the war ended in '65,
I was with the 9th Cavalry.
576
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:07,469
We discovered old folks,
women and children slaughtered.
577
00:48:07,969 --> 00:48:10,180
They used them for target practice.
578
00:48:28,490 --> 00:48:32,494
That's when I vowed to chase
this yellow devil to his grave.
579
00:48:35,914 --> 00:48:37,499
What's wrong, West?
580
00:48:37,999 --> 00:48:40,210
I thought you'd be glad
to see me like this.
581
00:48:40,418 --> 00:48:42,545
Actually, I'm kind of disappointed.
582
00:48:42,796 --> 00:48:45,673
I was hoping to kill
the Butcher of New Liberty myself.
583
00:48:46,925 --> 00:48:48,593
Well, go on, shoot.
584
00:48:48,802 --> 00:48:50,845
Send me on to hell.
585
00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,475
But if you want the devil
that's responsible for New Liberty...
586
00:48:55,725 --> 00:48:57,393
...it's Loveless.
587
00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:00,480
He manned the machine there.
588
00:49:00,688 --> 00:49:03,817
He killed all them children,
old folks...
589
00:49:04,317 --> 00:49:06,861
...just like he killed my boys here.
590
00:49:10,782 --> 00:49:12,033
Where is he?
591
00:49:13,701 --> 00:49:15,161
Where did he go?
592
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,168
Where's he going?!
593
00:49:22,877 --> 00:49:24,212
I know that.
594
00:49:26,381 --> 00:49:28,466
I'll tell you if you take me along.
595
00:49:28,716 --> 00:49:30,677
You'll tell me
or I'll leave you here.
596
00:49:32,720 --> 00:49:35,932
The girls at the mansion,
you know, they talk.
597
00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:39,811
"I wonder if my hair
will get frizzy in the desert."
598
00:49:40,019 --> 00:49:43,356
"Where is this Oo-tah anyway?"
599
00:49:44,858 --> 00:49:46,317
Utah.
600
00:49:49,112 --> 00:49:50,697
Let's go, Coleman. Utah.
601
00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:52,282
Aye, sir.
602
00:49:57,537 --> 00:50:01,291
Why couldn't we give her a ride
home to Texas? It's on the way.
603
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,501
On our way to Utah,
where our President is.
604
00:50:03,710 --> 00:50:05,378
How you feel about that coincidence?
605
00:50:24,063 --> 00:50:25,565
Artie.
606
00:50:26,316 --> 00:50:29,527
We wouldn't have known where
Loveless was going if not for her.
607
00:50:29,736 --> 00:50:31,988
Seems a bit ungracious,
if not perilous.
608
00:50:32,238 --> 00:50:36,618
She'd have been in our way.
She and I'd have wound up in the saddle.
609
00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:40,663
That's funny, I got the feeling
she was more interested in me.
610
00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:58,014
I've tried to place myself
in Loveless' shoes.
611
00:50:58,598 --> 00:51:00,183
Good luck with that one.
612
00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:03,353
What could a maniac with no
reproductive organs want with Rita?
613
00:51:04,187 --> 00:51:07,398
Which is not to say that Rita
doesn't possess a beauty...
614
00:51:07,607 --> 00:51:10,568
...worthy of a Shakespeare
sonnet or a Botticelli painting.
615
00:51:10,777 --> 00:51:12,445
The curvature of her buttocks...
616
00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,823
...and the swell
of that magnificent bosom!
617
00:51:16,366 --> 00:51:18,076
So full, so sumptuous...
618
00:51:18,326 --> 00:51:22,664
So... what were all those foreign
ministers doing at Loveless' party?
619
00:51:22,914 --> 00:51:25,458
This is what really puzzles me.
620
00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,002
Did you have any idea
there were so many?
621
00:51:28,252 --> 00:51:31,965
- How long has she been here?
- Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
622
00:51:33,007 --> 00:51:34,592
I am profoundly sorry.
623
00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:38,388
I'll spare you the embarrassment.
Make a sandwich. You're getting off.
624
00:51:38,596 --> 00:51:41,557
I know why those foreign guys
were at Loveless' party.
625
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:45,436
Mm. This is fantastic.
How do you cook it?
626
00:51:45,728 --> 00:51:47,397
I mean, you can cut it with a fork.
627
00:51:47,647 --> 00:51:50,608
In a daubière. It's a clay pot.
It's a French method.
628
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:52,402
Foreign ministers.
629
00:51:52,694 --> 00:51:55,446
They were mad about something,
you know, like...
630
00:51:55,697 --> 00:51:58,574
...there was some real bad deal
in Louisiana on purpose.
631
00:51:58,825 --> 00:51:59,951
The Louisiana Purchase.
632
00:52:00,118 --> 00:52:02,412
Mm-hm. And Queen somebody of France
got swindled.
633
00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:03,788
Queen Isabella of Spain.
634
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:07,083
This is ridiculous.
Coleman, stop the train.
635
00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:10,336
- Miss Escobar's getting off.
- Who the hell is Miss Escobar?
636
00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:14,465
A frightened, starving, half-naked
woman who wants to find her father.
637
00:52:14,841 --> 00:52:16,050
Half-naked?
638
00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:17,760
Coleman, stop the train!
639
00:52:18,011 --> 00:52:21,264
We're not putting anybody off
here in the middle of nowhere!
640
00:52:21,514 --> 00:52:23,224
Especially if they're half-naked!
641
00:52:24,100 --> 00:52:27,603
Please, Jim.
My father's the only family I've got.
642
00:52:27,854 --> 00:52:32,108
Am I to sit at home and wait for news
that he's been killed, or do something?
643
00:52:32,316 --> 00:52:33,317
What would you do?
644
00:52:33,526 --> 00:52:35,486
I don't have anything against you.
645
00:52:35,695 --> 00:52:39,782
What happens when we find Loveless
and you're still on this train?
646
00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:41,242
Jim.
647
00:52:41,409 --> 00:52:44,287
I know you'd never let him
take me back.
648
00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:46,581
I've seen you shoot.
649
00:52:47,749 --> 00:52:51,544
I'll assure you any attack by Loveless
would be an exercise in futility.
650
00:52:51,794 --> 00:52:54,213
I'll demonstrate how
my design suggestions...
651
00:52:54,464 --> 00:52:57,383
...have made the Wanderer
completely impervious to attack.
652
00:52:57,633 --> 00:53:01,596
Over here, three seemingly
innocent billiard balls, yes?
653
00:53:02,597 --> 00:53:07,477
Depress the number, it's a sleeping-gas
bomb effective in under three seconds.
654
00:53:07,727 --> 00:53:11,272
So put your mind at ease.
You are safe within these walls.
655
00:53:11,564 --> 00:53:13,858
I don't know about you,
but I'll sleep better...
656
00:53:14,108 --> 00:53:16,903
...assuming Loveless barges in here
to play pool.
657
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:20,990
And speaking of sleeping,
I'm really tired, Artie.
658
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:23,034
Could I borrow something to wear?
659
00:53:23,284 --> 00:53:25,870
- I have just...
- I got something you can wear.
660
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,956
It ain't stylish, but it won't explode
when you put it on.
661
00:53:29,207 --> 00:53:30,917
That would be nice.
662
00:53:41,427 --> 00:53:43,721
Loveless kidnapped
a few metallurgists...
663
00:53:43,971 --> 00:53:46,182
...so whatever he's building
will have armor.
664
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,934
He kidnapped a couple chemists...
665
00:53:48,851 --> 00:53:50,228
...so it'll have explosives.
666
00:53:50,478 --> 00:53:54,398
According to you, Rita's father's the
world's foremost expert in hydraulics...
667
00:53:54,941 --> 00:53:56,943
...so the thing's gonna move.
668
00:53:57,151 --> 00:54:01,030
What could he build that'd make
the president surrender the government?
669
00:54:01,739 --> 00:54:03,074
A bedside heater.
670
00:54:04,242 --> 00:54:05,535
What?
671
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,122
Rita needs a bedside heater.
It gets quite chilly.
672
00:54:09,330 --> 00:54:11,916
That's what I was talking about.
The distraction.
673
00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:14,210
What?
674
00:54:17,088 --> 00:54:20,675
Good night,
and thank you for saving me.
675
00:54:21,050 --> 00:54:22,218
Good night.
676
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:25,221
Rita...
677
00:54:25,388 --> 00:54:26,430
That outfit...
678
00:54:26,639 --> 00:54:30,101
- Is most becoming.
- Lovely. I hope it's not too breezy.
679
00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:32,311
- Back there.
- But if there's anything...
680
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:33,563
Anything at all...
681
00:54:33,729 --> 00:54:36,649
- I'm right here.
- Aren't you boys nice?
682
00:54:36,858 --> 00:54:38,734
Well, sweet dreams.
683
00:54:42,864 --> 00:54:45,741
- Mm.
- I told you she'd be a distraction.
684
00:54:46,576 --> 00:54:48,286
She's not a distraction.
685
00:54:48,536 --> 00:54:51,664
It's nice having her on board.
She's a breath of fresh ass.
686
00:54:53,166 --> 00:54:55,209
- Pardon me?
- What?
687
00:54:55,501 --> 00:54:56,836
You said "ass."
688
00:54:57,295 --> 00:55:01,215
No, I said, "It's nice having her on board,
she's a breast of fresh air."
689
00:55:03,384 --> 00:55:06,721
- Let's just get some shut-ass.
- Mm.
690
00:55:31,078 --> 00:55:32,455
We have Loveless.
691
00:55:32,914 --> 00:55:35,416
Seven hundred yards and closing.
692
00:55:35,917 --> 00:55:37,502
Maintain this speed.
I'm coming up.
693
00:55:38,503 --> 00:55:39,754
Oh!
694
00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:42,173
- What's that?
- I took the liberty...
695
00:55:42,381 --> 00:55:44,508
...of installing that while you slept.
696
00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:48,346
Don't take liberties with my things!
697
00:55:48,596 --> 00:55:49,805
Very good.
698
00:55:50,056 --> 00:55:52,350
I've only made one or two
additions to your wardrobe.
699
00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:15,164
Am I missing something here?
700
00:56:53,244 --> 00:56:54,287
Jim.
701
00:56:58,332 --> 00:57:00,543
If we are pursuing Loveless...
702
00:57:00,793 --> 00:57:03,045
...why is he behind us?
703
00:57:06,799 --> 00:57:07,842
That's why.
704
00:57:13,681 --> 00:57:16,642
- What's going on?
- Nothing. It's fine. Get down.
705
00:57:17,351 --> 00:57:18,978
Okay.
706
00:57:20,021 --> 00:57:22,106
- Push that magic button.
- What are you doing?
707
00:57:22,481 --> 00:57:25,276
- Seeing if your Egressor works.
- We need a plan.
708
00:57:25,443 --> 00:57:26,777
- Push the button!
- Very good.
709
00:57:32,074 --> 00:57:33,576
He's so courageous.
710
00:57:37,580 --> 00:57:39,707
Would you pull on
one of those pool cues?
711
00:57:39,915 --> 00:57:41,709
- This one?
- Thank you.
712
00:57:45,212 --> 00:57:48,758
Courage is only as good
as the machinery that supports it.
713
00:57:55,848 --> 00:57:56,849
Good luck.
714
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:08,569
Gordon!
715
00:59:15,386 --> 00:59:18,180
I have them square in my sights, sire.
716
00:59:18,389 --> 00:59:21,600
As do I, Munitia. As do I!
717
00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,523
Fire away!
718
00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:44,582
That's it!
I won't let Loveless take me away!
719
00:59:44,832 --> 00:59:47,793
- I'd rather be dead!
- That's not a good thing to wish for!
720
00:59:48,002 --> 00:59:50,546
Please, Artie! Don't leave me alone!
721
00:59:53,632 --> 00:59:55,760
Ladies, we need a new train.
722
00:59:56,135 --> 00:59:58,179
- Give me the ball. I have a plan.
- I won't!
723
01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:04,685
- Gordon!
- It's Loveless!
724
01:00:04,935 --> 01:00:06,562
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is!
725
01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:13,360
Jim.
726
01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:24,705
An innocent billiard ball this way,
but depress the number...
727
01:00:24,872 --> 01:00:27,249
...and on impact it ruins our mission.
728
01:00:28,542 --> 01:00:30,795
- Don't move!
- Let go of my leg.
729
01:00:31,045 --> 01:00:35,257
Loveless has fitted us with the same
metal device we found on Morton.
730
01:00:35,466 --> 01:00:36,759
Good morning, gentlemen.
731
01:00:37,009 --> 01:00:38,636
I trust you slept well.
732
01:00:38,886 --> 01:00:42,223
- What have you done with Rita?
- Rita, is it? How familiar!
733
01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:45,392
Rita is sleeping off
the aftereffects in the stateroom.
734
01:00:45,643 --> 01:00:47,478
She is quite lovely, isn't she?
735
01:00:47,728 --> 01:00:51,690
Who knows? I might even
become familiar with her myself.
736
01:00:51,941 --> 01:00:54,985
- That'd be one more reason to kill you.
- Oh, yes, Mr. West.
737
01:00:55,236 --> 01:00:57,738
To a well-endowed blackamoor
like yourself...
738
01:00:57,988 --> 01:01:02,660
...it seems impossible that a freak like
me could enjoy the pleasure of a woman.
739
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:05,704
But having witnessed my use
of mechanology thus far...
740
01:01:05,913 --> 01:01:08,958
...don't you think I'd devise
something for my lower body...
741
01:01:09,208 --> 01:01:11,794
...that was hard-pumping
and indefatigably steely?
742
01:01:12,419 --> 01:01:15,506
And speaking of hard-pumping,
Mr. Coleman...
743
01:01:15,756 --> 01:01:17,132
...full steam ahead.
744
01:01:25,975 --> 01:01:29,770
What a marvelous train.
You don't mind me borrowing it, do you?
745
01:01:29,979 --> 01:01:32,273
Aside from a lack
of wheelchair access...
746
01:01:32,523 --> 01:01:34,567
...I find it a most comfortable way...
747
01:01:34,817 --> 01:01:37,987
...to pass the long miles
to my laboratory in Spider Canyon.
748
01:01:38,237 --> 01:01:42,199
By the way, I'll be seeing
President Grant at Promontory Point.
749
01:01:42,408 --> 01:01:44,201
What shall I tell him for you?
750
01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:47,288
I'm afraid it can't be
that you're alive...
751
01:01:47,538 --> 01:01:48,956
...and well.
752
01:01:50,624 --> 01:01:52,835
Get out your tool kit.
Get this off my neck.
753
01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:56,839
My tools are gone.
754
01:01:59,633 --> 01:02:02,928
"Welcome to Loveless Experimental
Camp for Political Dissidents.
755
01:02:03,137 --> 01:02:05,014
There are no guards, no barbed wires.
756
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:07,808
Stay within the perimeter,
you'll stay alive."
757
01:02:08,058 --> 01:02:10,477
- I don't have time for this.
- No, no, don't!
758
01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:15,232
See? Nothing.
759
01:02:26,911 --> 01:02:28,287
And now we have to run.
760
01:02:35,711 --> 01:02:39,131
The collars around our necks seem
to contain powerful magnets!
761
01:02:39,340 --> 01:02:41,842
As long as we can outrun the blade,
we'll be fine!
762
01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,803
How long does it take a magnet
to lose its power?
763
01:02:45,012 --> 01:02:47,014
- About 400 years!
- Damn!
764
01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:01,528
The gully! The gully!
765
01:03:02,029 --> 01:03:03,530
Run for the gully!
766
01:03:07,493 --> 01:03:08,535
Go, Gordon! Go!
767
01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:22,216
- Gordon! Leap into my arms!
- No.
768
01:03:22,466 --> 01:03:23,676
Now!
769
01:03:47,408 --> 01:03:49,034
Bless you.
770
01:03:49,952 --> 01:03:51,245
Sorry.
771
01:03:52,705 --> 01:03:54,248
Rita, my dear.
772
01:03:54,498 --> 01:03:57,543
Not that I'm ungrateful to Providence
for bringing you back...
773
01:03:57,793 --> 01:03:59,420
...but I have to confess...
774
01:04:02,381 --> 01:04:05,801
...I'm a bit curious as to how
you managed to wind up with them.
775
01:04:06,009 --> 01:04:10,514
They seemed so sure they could find you,
I thought if I stayed with them...
776
01:04:10,723 --> 01:04:13,684
...they'll bring me back
to all my friends.
777
01:04:15,519 --> 01:04:19,523
Not to give you a big head,
but I kind of missed you.
778
01:04:19,732 --> 01:04:22,735
Well, isn't that a coincidence?
Because I kind of miss me too.
779
01:04:33,912 --> 01:04:36,957
What's your plan for getting
this thing off my neck?
780
01:04:37,833 --> 01:04:38,959
Excuse me?
781
01:04:39,460 --> 01:04:43,046
That's what you're here for.
You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
782
01:04:43,213 --> 01:04:45,340
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I see.
783
01:04:45,591 --> 01:04:49,511
Now I'm the master
of this mechanical stuff.
784
01:04:49,887 --> 01:04:51,972
As opposed to five minutes ago,
when I tried...
785
01:04:52,222 --> 01:04:54,892
...to find an intelligent solution
to this problem.
786
01:04:55,142 --> 01:04:57,603
Then something happened.
Someone, who'll remain nameless...
787
01:04:57,853 --> 01:04:59,313
Jim!
788
01:04:59,563 --> 01:05:02,274
West!
789
01:05:04,026 --> 01:05:05,778
...decided to jump over the wire...
790
01:05:06,028 --> 01:05:08,614
...providing us with that romp
through the cornfield...
791
01:05:08,864 --> 01:05:11,992
...and that death-defying leap
into the abysmal muck!
792
01:05:12,242 --> 01:05:15,496
And here we stand,
while that demented maniac hurtles...
793
01:05:15,746 --> 01:05:19,625
...toward our president on our one
and only mode of transportation...
794
01:05:19,875 --> 01:05:23,087
...with Rita as prisoner, armed with
machinery of mass destruction...
795
01:05:23,337 --> 01:05:26,882
...with the simple intention
of taking over the country.
796
01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:29,551
- You need to calm down.
- I can't be calm.
797
01:05:29,718 --> 01:05:34,348
No, no, no, no.
I'm the master of the mechanical stuff!
798
01:05:34,681 --> 01:05:37,101
And I have to help you! You!
799
01:05:37,309 --> 01:05:40,354
The master of the stupid stuff!
800
01:05:40,687 --> 01:05:42,439
Wanna get your collar off?
I'll get it off!
801
01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:45,067
I don't have a gun.
Otherwise, I'd shoot it off!
802
01:05:45,442 --> 01:05:47,444
Here's something in the true
Jim West style!
803
01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:50,697
- I'll bash it with a rock!
- You don't wanna do that.
804
01:05:50,906 --> 01:05:52,699
- Oh, but I do!
- Wait, Gor...
805
01:05:58,622 --> 01:06:00,499
- What did you do?
- I didn't do shit!
806
01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:02,835
You've reversed the polarity
of your magnet.
807
01:06:03,377 --> 01:06:05,379
I did not do shit!
808
01:06:06,797 --> 01:06:08,590
Be still! Be still!
809
01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:11,176
I'll put my foot in your chest.
Push off.
810
01:06:16,306 --> 01:06:17,349
You all right?
811
01:06:17,599 --> 01:06:20,227
I'm just peachy.
Can you help me get my boot off?
812
01:06:23,897 --> 01:06:26,400
- Hey, hey!
- Sorry.
813
01:06:33,949 --> 01:06:36,285
And that would be my belt buckle.
814
01:06:36,451 --> 01:06:40,581
Gordon, when you tell this story
to your grandkids, leave this part out.
815
01:06:40,956 --> 01:06:43,125
- Don't worry.
- All right, Gordon.
816
01:06:43,959 --> 01:06:47,754
I'll undo your belt. I'll run that way,
you run the other way.
817
01:06:48,005 --> 01:06:49,381
Let me understand your plan.
818
01:06:49,631 --> 01:06:53,051
You'll run fast that way
and I'll run fast that way.
819
01:06:53,427 --> 01:06:55,762
- It's ingenious.
- Whatever, Gordon.
820
01:06:56,013 --> 01:06:57,264
One...
821
01:06:57,431 --> 01:06:59,641
...two, three!
822
01:07:18,785 --> 01:07:19,786
Oh, look.
823
01:07:20,454 --> 01:07:21,663
My auxiliary tool kit.
824
01:07:21,872 --> 01:07:24,625
I forgot about it. It must've
slipped out of my pocket.
825
01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:25,876
Your pocket?
826
01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:29,671
Why wasn't it on some contraption
that shoots out your ass?
827
01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:31,882
That's the first place
Loveless would've looked.
828
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:52,527
What?
829
01:07:53,987 --> 01:07:55,364
Nothing.
830
01:07:56,239 --> 01:08:00,577
Oh, no. No, thank you. I'm fine.
831
01:08:01,036 --> 01:08:02,663
Not quite myself out here.
832
01:08:04,665 --> 01:08:07,125
There's a very large spider
on your hand.
833
01:08:10,253 --> 01:08:12,172
He's just trying to get warm.
834
01:08:17,761 --> 01:08:19,805
How is it you know so much
about the desert?
835
01:08:20,847 --> 01:08:24,393
I lived out here as a boy.
I was raised by the Indians.
836
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,812
Really? Now that is...
837
01:08:27,062 --> 01:08:30,399
Look, a desert wasp,
one of the world's greatest hunters.
838
01:08:30,607 --> 01:08:33,151
She'll kill the tarantula,
lay her eggs inside...
839
01:08:33,402 --> 01:08:35,570
...so her babies will have food
when they hatch.
840
01:08:35,779 --> 01:08:37,864
Now I'm really hungry.
841
01:08:38,198 --> 01:08:41,410
So how did your parents,
who I assume were Negro...
842
01:08:41,660 --> 01:08:43,412
...feel about you
being raised by Indians?
843
01:08:44,204 --> 01:08:46,123
They didn't have too much to say.
844
01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:48,458
I was sent to
another plantation as a boy.
845
01:08:48,667 --> 01:08:51,420
Ran away as soon as my legs
were strong enough to take me.
846
01:08:51,670 --> 01:08:53,505
Did you ever see your family again?
847
01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,678
They were at the camp at New Liberty.
848
01:09:03,932 --> 01:09:05,976
I'll help you get him, Jim.
849
01:09:11,690 --> 01:09:14,151
You have no idea
where we're going, do you?
850
01:09:14,609 --> 01:09:16,778
I know exactly where we're going.
851
01:09:17,237 --> 01:09:19,114
Going to Spider Canyon.
852
01:09:19,406 --> 01:09:23,285
We'd get there a lot faster if you
weren't dragging that thing around.
853
01:09:23,493 --> 01:09:26,872
A lot of scientific ingenuity
and hard work went into this.
854
01:09:27,122 --> 01:09:28,874
It'd be a shame to discard it.
855
01:09:29,082 --> 01:09:32,044
You never know when a high-powered
magnet might come in handy.
856
01:09:47,309 --> 01:09:49,061
When you're right, you're right.
857
01:09:52,481 --> 01:09:54,191
Loveless' private track.
858
01:10:00,614 --> 01:10:03,617
This is not a mirage.
If this isn't a mirage, then that...
859
01:10:03,825 --> 01:10:06,995
Is Spider Canyon.
What now, Mr. Plan Man?
860
01:10:07,162 --> 01:10:09,289
Now, well...
861
01:10:09,998 --> 01:10:14,795
What do we have? Intelligence, a sense
of purpose, the element of surprise.
862
01:10:15,170 --> 01:10:17,130
So what does Loveless have?
863
01:10:26,473 --> 01:10:27,974
Well...
864
01:10:29,851 --> 01:10:31,520
He has his own city.
865
01:10:54,459 --> 01:10:57,420
He has an 80-foot tarantula.
866
01:10:57,712 --> 01:11:00,340
Yes, well, I was coming to that.
867
01:11:03,510 --> 01:11:06,638
Nice to see an invention
that actually works.
868
01:11:06,847 --> 01:11:09,224
Most impressive.
869
01:11:14,437 --> 01:11:16,523
If a little ungainly.
870
01:11:20,277 --> 01:11:21,403
He's trapped.
871
01:11:22,237 --> 01:11:24,698
That thing'll never get
past those rocks.
872
01:11:38,587 --> 01:11:40,839
Gordon! Let's go!
873
01:11:45,510 --> 01:11:47,429
Gordon, let's ride!
874
01:11:48,221 --> 01:11:49,639
You do know how to ride.
875
01:11:49,848 --> 01:11:52,058
- Yes, I know how to ride.
- A horse.
876
01:11:52,309 --> 01:11:54,144
Yes, when something primitive
is called for.
877
01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:57,189
How about now? A giant spider's
stomping toward our President.
878
01:11:57,898 --> 01:11:59,399
I was thinking of another spider.
879
01:12:00,317 --> 01:12:02,986
Remember when that wasp
destroyed the tarantula?
880
01:12:03,236 --> 01:12:06,072
The wasp had a slight advantage.
It could fly.
881
01:12:07,199 --> 01:12:08,575
Exactly.
882
01:12:08,950 --> 01:12:13,622
In 1540, Leonardo da Vinci designed
a flying machine, but never finished it.
883
01:12:13,872 --> 01:12:16,917
With some extrapolation
and a bit of imagination, I've...
884
01:12:17,167 --> 01:12:20,462
We don't have time for your plans
or half-baked inventions.
885
01:12:23,215 --> 01:12:25,634
We gotta stick to what
we each do best.
886
01:12:46,321 --> 01:12:50,116
"May God continue the unity
of our country...
887
01:12:50,325 --> 01:12:54,704
...as this railroad unites
the two great oceans of this world."
888
01:13:56,850 --> 01:13:58,226
Good Lord!
889
01:14:26,004 --> 01:14:28,423
Well, now, isn't this a coincidence?
890
01:14:28,631 --> 01:14:31,176
I'm out for a little morning ride...
891
01:14:31,426 --> 01:14:32,927
...and in the middle of nowhere...
892
01:14:33,136 --> 01:14:36,973
...I bump into
General Ulysses S. Grant himself.
893
01:14:37,182 --> 01:14:40,143
We've never been properly introduced.
I'm Dr. Arliss Loveless...
894
01:14:40,393 --> 01:14:42,062
...formerly of the Confederate Army.
895
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:43,897
Yes, Dr. Loveless.
896
01:14:44,856 --> 01:14:47,400
It's a fine-looking spicier
you have there.
897
01:14:47,651 --> 01:14:48,777
What can I do for you?
898
01:14:48,985 --> 01:14:52,614
I have a humble abode nearby.
I hope you'll accept my hospitality.
899
01:14:52,822 --> 01:14:54,491
I have a proposition to make.
900
01:14:54,699 --> 01:14:56,076
What proposition is that?
901
01:14:56,284 --> 01:15:00,497
The immediate and unconditional
surrender of the United States...
902
01:15:00,747 --> 01:15:02,374
...to the Loveless Alliance!
903
01:15:02,624 --> 01:15:05,543
I didn't realize we were at war.
904
01:15:05,794 --> 01:15:08,672
You have me at somewhat
of a disadvantage.
905
01:15:08,922 --> 01:15:11,633
I didn't bring my fly swatter.
906
01:15:21,851 --> 01:15:23,603
How about now?
907
01:15:24,312 --> 01:15:26,272
In matters pertaining to war...
908
01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,110
- ...the person to talk to would be me.
- And now just who are you?
909
01:15:30,360 --> 01:15:32,904
I am the President of the United States.
910
01:15:33,113 --> 01:15:38,034
This man is an actor hired to stand in
for me on public occasions.
911
01:15:38,243 --> 01:15:41,579
Not a very good actor at that.
He's too fat and dull-witted.
912
01:15:41,788 --> 01:15:44,582
You got a lot of brass,
Gordon. Where's West?
913
01:15:44,749 --> 01:15:46,084
You know him, sir.
914
01:15:50,088 --> 01:15:53,049
Take this man away! Captain!
915
01:15:53,842 --> 01:15:55,885
Lieutenant! Sergeant!
916
01:15:57,178 --> 01:15:58,221
Private!
917
01:15:58,763 --> 01:16:01,057
You are dismissed, sir! Leave!
918
01:16:01,266 --> 01:16:02,392
We'll take them both!
919
01:16:08,565 --> 01:16:10,567
Was this part of your plan, Gordon?
920
01:16:10,817 --> 01:16:14,821
Well, I'm by your side, sir.
That's what counts.
921
01:16:23,580 --> 01:16:26,499
I got a telegram for a Dr. Loveless
from his mother.
922
01:16:26,750 --> 01:16:29,711
She said, "Come home.
Stop all this foolishness."
923
01:17:10,084 --> 01:17:11,252
Bonjour...
924
01:17:11,711 --> 01:17:14,714
...buenas tardes, and good day!
925
01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:17,759
Great, glorious day!
926
01:17:17,967 --> 01:17:23,097
A day of healing for the wrongs
that have been done to us all.
927
01:17:26,059 --> 01:17:27,894
How long have we waited?
928
01:17:29,062 --> 01:17:31,856
1776, wasn't it, old bean?
929
01:17:32,690 --> 01:17:35,026
The most expensive cup of tea
in history.
930
01:17:37,570 --> 01:17:40,532
Manhattan, for a handful of beads.
931
01:17:40,782 --> 01:17:41,991
How.
932
01:17:43,201 --> 01:17:46,037
"Remember the Alamo," indeed.
933
01:18:29,872 --> 01:18:31,541
Thanks, Artie.
934
01:18:34,419 --> 01:18:38,798
Today, I'm proud to be able
to sit before y'all...
935
01:18:39,132 --> 01:18:43,177
...and tell you that the wrongs
will be righted...
936
01:18:43,511 --> 01:18:46,097
...the past made present...
937
01:18:46,639 --> 01:18:49,517
...the united, divided!
938
01:19:01,487 --> 01:19:06,242
Great Britain gets back the 13
original colonies, minus Manhattan.
939
01:19:06,743 --> 01:19:10,038
Florida and the Fountain of Youth
go back to Spain.
940
01:19:10,496 --> 01:19:14,709
Texas, New Mexico,
California, Arizona...
941
01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:16,669
...revolve a Mexico.
942
01:19:16,878 --> 01:19:19,839
And a little piece for me
to retire on.
943
01:20:11,057 --> 01:20:15,728
My partner nations insist that
we make this as legal as possible.
944
01:20:16,562 --> 01:20:18,648
Personally, I like the symmetry of it.
945
01:20:18,981 --> 01:20:20,608
After all...
946
01:20:20,858 --> 01:20:23,236
...wasn't it you, President Grant,
that made us...
947
01:20:23,444 --> 01:20:25,780
...sign a surrender at Appomattox?
948
01:20:26,114 --> 01:20:27,740
Never will I sign that paper.
949
01:20:27,949 --> 01:20:31,369
Never will the United States
ever surrender!
950
01:20:39,794 --> 01:20:41,921
We're at loggerheads then, aren't we?
951
01:20:42,797 --> 01:20:46,759
I suppose the threat of death to someone
with your valorous war record...
952
01:20:47,010 --> 01:20:48,386
...would mean nothing.
953
01:20:48,636 --> 01:20:51,514
If you still refuse
to sign the surrender...
954
01:20:51,764 --> 01:20:53,725
...we'll start by shooting
your man Gordon.
955
01:20:54,642 --> 01:20:56,310
- Artemus!
- Munitia!
956
01:20:56,561 --> 01:20:59,564
Don't worry.
I'm wearing an Impermeable.
957
01:21:09,741 --> 01:21:11,200
May I make one request?
958
01:21:13,745 --> 01:21:15,246
That she aim at my heart...
959
01:21:15,913 --> 01:21:18,875
...my heart, which has loved
this country so much.
960
01:21:19,876 --> 01:21:20,918
Shoot him in the head.
961
01:21:22,462 --> 01:21:24,046
- Damn!
- Munitia!
962
01:21:24,839 --> 01:21:27,049
Ready! Aim!
963
01:21:45,943 --> 01:21:47,695
A new girl!
964
01:21:48,696 --> 01:21:51,741
Well, what a nice surprise.
965
01:21:58,664 --> 01:22:00,333
Ooh.
966
01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:19,644
Uh, uh, uh.
967
01:22:20,853 --> 01:22:24,107
Ebonia, why are you so cruel to me?
968
01:22:37,203 --> 01:22:38,830
This brassiere is killing me.
969
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:42,416
Thank you.
970
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:49,674
And this garter belt
is riding up my ass.
971
01:22:49,924 --> 01:22:53,427
- Be careful with that dress.
- To hell with your damn dress.
972
01:22:58,641 --> 01:23:01,352
We'll have you out of here
in a second, Mr. President.
973
01:23:05,857 --> 01:23:07,233
Bye-bye!
974
01:23:08,401 --> 01:23:10,236
- Is she with us?
- Captain West.
975
01:23:11,445 --> 01:23:13,406
Oh, he's so graceful!
976
01:23:42,894 --> 01:23:45,188
Kill him! Him!
977
01:23:45,438 --> 01:23:47,732
Him! Him! The girl!
978
01:24:00,995 --> 01:24:02,788
Is that the eight ball? Get down.
979
01:24:06,542 --> 01:24:09,921
- That wasn't sleeping gas.
- The eight ball's an incendiary bomb.
980
01:24:11,422 --> 01:24:12,465
The president!
981
01:24:15,384 --> 01:24:19,055
- Let's go!
- Save the president! We'll be fine!
982
01:24:22,725 --> 01:24:25,811
They're getting away. We gotta
do something! We gotta get horses!
983
01:24:25,978 --> 01:24:28,564
Artie, right now we need a plan.
984
01:24:28,773 --> 01:24:30,650
That flying machine idea of yours...
985
01:24:30,858 --> 01:24:35,196
Were you acting like you knew what you
were talking about, or can you build it?
986
01:24:45,665 --> 01:24:47,792
Bernoulli was considered
insane by his peers.
987
01:24:48,000 --> 01:24:51,087
His theory states that the air
over a bird's wing moves...
988
01:24:51,337 --> 01:24:53,839
...at a lower pressure
than that below the wing.
989
01:24:54,090 --> 01:24:56,968
That's called lift,
and is what we will now attempt.
990
01:24:57,176 --> 01:24:59,804
- It's only a theory. It's never been tested.
- Stop talking.
991
01:25:00,012 --> 01:25:03,057
Here's a little bon voyage present
for you guys.
992
01:25:03,307 --> 01:25:06,519
Gunpowder, nitroglycerine
and .44 caliber primers.
993
01:25:06,936 --> 01:25:09,146
How the devil do you know
about explosives?
994
01:25:09,397 --> 01:25:12,733
U.S. Marshal Coleman.
President wanted me to look after you.
995
01:25:12,942 --> 01:25:15,861
But I draw the line at defying gravity,
so good luck.
996
01:25:19,240 --> 01:25:22,868
Hold on! Avanti!
997
01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:32,420
Avanti! Avanti!
998
01:25:32,628 --> 01:25:35,548
- Why isn't this avanti-ing?
- Not enough lift!
999
01:25:35,798 --> 01:25:37,216
We need more speed!
1000
01:25:51,522 --> 01:25:53,482
- That's a cliff!
- Yes, I know!
1001
01:25:53,691 --> 01:25:56,152
- That means the ground is gonna end!
- I know!
1002
01:25:56,819 --> 01:25:59,655
Gordon. Gordon! Gordon!
1003
01:26:10,416 --> 01:26:12,293
It works! It works!
1004
01:26:12,543 --> 01:26:15,755
If you had to get one right,
I'm sure glad it was this one.
1005
01:26:15,963 --> 01:26:19,050
- Yee-ha! Ha, ha, ha!
- Yee-ha.
1006
01:26:20,384 --> 01:26:23,512
What kind of fancy name you got
picked out for this thing?
1007
01:26:23,721 --> 01:26:27,224
Wait, let me guess:
an Elevation Enhancer...
1008
01:26:27,475 --> 01:26:30,353
...or a Gravity-Repeller Vehicle.
1009
01:26:30,603 --> 01:26:32,605
No, I was thinking of something simple.
1010
01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:34,899
Air Gordon.
1011
01:26:45,076 --> 01:26:47,703
Mr. President,
I'll ask you once again:
1012
01:26:47,912 --> 01:26:51,665
Sign the surrender,
or I will decimate this town!
1013
01:26:52,041 --> 01:26:53,751
You've had my answer.
1014
01:26:54,627 --> 01:26:59,131
I understand, but I urge you to reconsider
in light of the following!
1015
01:27:41,757 --> 01:27:43,300
Yee-ha!
1016
01:27:53,144 --> 01:27:54,520
Whoo!
1017
01:28:22,840 --> 01:28:24,300
Munitia!
1018
01:28:26,594 --> 01:28:28,804
Hang on, Mr. President!
1019
01:28:34,768 --> 01:28:36,312
Let's go!
1020
01:28:42,776 --> 01:28:46,989
Gentlemen, I am truly impressed
by your effort and ingenuity.
1021
01:28:47,239 --> 01:28:49,742
Why not swear an oath
of loyalty to me...
1022
01:28:50,618 --> 01:28:52,661
...and forego your execution?
1023
01:28:52,870 --> 01:28:56,290
I thought I'd stuff your half-a-ass
in one of these cannons...
1024
01:28:56,499 --> 01:28:58,834
...and fertilize the landscape with you.
1025
01:29:02,796 --> 01:29:04,882
We may not have a woodshed on board...
1026
01:29:05,132 --> 01:29:08,219
...but that boy is gonna
get a whupping anyway!
1027
01:29:16,435 --> 01:29:18,854
You the one supposed
to give me my whupping?
1028
01:29:20,272 --> 01:29:22,066
Hell, I got one of those.
1029
01:29:25,152 --> 01:29:29,406
Oh. Shit. Gordon only gave me one.
If you give me a second, I'll...
1030
01:29:45,172 --> 01:29:46,465
Damn!
1031
01:29:58,519 --> 01:30:00,104
Whoo-hoo!
1032
01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:23,127
That's it. No more Mr. Knife Guy.
1033
01:30:56,827 --> 01:30:58,537
I learned that from a Chinaman.
1034
01:31:02,708 --> 01:31:04,501
I just made that up.
1035
01:31:08,339 --> 01:31:09,590
Nice hat.
1036
01:31:14,720 --> 01:31:15,721
No!
1037
01:31:56,512 --> 01:31:57,846
Sorry.
1038
01:32:10,943 --> 01:32:14,196
Miss Lippenreider,
take over the controls.
1039
01:32:40,514 --> 01:32:43,434
Now, somebody around here
promised me a whupping.
1040
01:32:43,642 --> 01:32:44,726
Dark-haired fella.
1041
01:32:44,977 --> 01:32:46,895
Crazy beard. About your height.
Seen him?
1042
01:32:47,771 --> 01:32:50,941
When it comes right down to it,
you just can't beat...
1043
01:32:51,191 --> 01:32:53,068
...a good old-fashioned pair of legs.
1044
01:32:53,277 --> 01:32:57,656
Well, you're obviously
not a poker player, Mr. West.
1045
01:33:15,215 --> 01:33:18,469
Four of a kind always beats a pair.
1046
01:33:20,304 --> 01:33:23,682
Now was there someone
particularly close to you...
1047
01:33:23,891 --> 01:33:26,935
...who perished
in that military action?
1048
01:33:30,647 --> 01:33:32,316
Well, that struck a nerve.
1049
01:33:37,946 --> 01:33:41,366
"I likes to beat my feet...
1050
01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:44,453
...on the Mississippi mud!"
1051
01:33:46,497 --> 01:33:47,706
Stop it!
1052
01:33:48,874 --> 01:33:50,667
Stop him, please!
1053
01:33:51,668 --> 01:33:52,836
Drop it!
1054
01:33:56,298 --> 01:33:58,342
Drive.
Stop or I'll shoot.
1055
01:33:58,550 --> 01:34:00,761
You expect to kill me
with that peashooter?
1056
01:34:00,969 --> 01:34:04,389
- If I have to, yes.
- Why is it that I am unafraid?
1057
01:34:04,640 --> 01:34:06,934
Shoot him...
1058
01:34:07,142 --> 01:34:08,644
...Gordon!
1059
01:34:11,647 --> 01:34:13,398
Shoot him!
1060
01:34:17,820 --> 01:34:19,613
After all that, you missed?
1061
01:34:19,905 --> 01:34:21,281
Actually, I didn't.
1062
01:34:30,082 --> 01:34:31,416
Thank you.
1063
01:34:31,625 --> 01:34:33,835
Your chivalry's about to be tested.
1064
01:34:37,631 --> 01:34:39,007
Wait!
1065
01:34:47,099 --> 01:34:50,894
Well, well, well, Dr. Loveless.
I bet you thought it was...
1066
01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:54,273
...pretty damn funny, big metal foot
on my face and all.
1067
01:34:54,523 --> 01:34:56,775
If you ask me, somebody around here...
1068
01:34:57,025 --> 01:35:00,279
...owes somebody else
around here an apology.
1069
01:35:07,327 --> 01:35:10,330
Quit dancing around and figure out
how to run this damn thing!
1070
01:35:10,497 --> 01:35:12,666
- Uh, right.
- We got a real problem there!
1071
01:35:17,004 --> 01:35:18,839
Please, Mr. West!
1072
01:35:20,549 --> 01:35:22,426
Show some mercy!
1073
01:35:22,676 --> 01:35:24,595
Now, don't you fret none.
1074
01:35:24,803 --> 01:35:27,806
We got a lovely half-a-jail cell
picked out for you.
1075
01:35:28,640 --> 01:35:31,351
Please, sir! You fine, dark warrior!
1076
01:35:31,560 --> 01:35:35,063
Finding the right
combination of levers...
1077
01:35:37,482 --> 01:35:38,942
- Very good.
- Don't do that again.
1078
01:35:39,192 --> 01:35:42,279
I have always admired you, Mr. West.
1079
01:35:42,779 --> 01:35:44,448
I want you to understand that.
1080
01:35:52,164 --> 01:35:54,333
For four years,
I've chased the animal...
1081
01:35:54,541 --> 01:35:57,252
...responsible for the massacre
at New Liberty.
1082
01:35:57,461 --> 01:35:58,587
I hear that's you.
1083
01:35:58,795 --> 01:36:01,214
I am not an animal. I am a visionary!
1084
01:36:01,423 --> 01:36:02,507
I am a genius!
1085
01:36:02,966 --> 01:36:05,260
And now I am angry!
1086
01:36:05,510 --> 01:36:06,720
After I kill you...
1087
01:36:06,970 --> 01:36:10,223
...I swear I'm gonna boil you down
for axle grease!
1088
01:36:32,621 --> 01:36:34,665
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!
1089
01:36:34,915 --> 01:36:37,459
How did we arrive
in this dark situation?
1090
01:36:38,043 --> 01:36:40,879
I have no idea.
I'm just as stumped as you are.
1091
01:36:43,048 --> 01:36:45,175
I'm facing a difficult problem here.
1092
01:36:45,384 --> 01:36:48,512
On the one hand, I have
an overwhelming love for myself...
1093
01:36:48,762 --> 01:36:52,391
...and on the other, the raw,
seething hatred that I have for you.
1094
01:36:52,599 --> 01:36:56,311
I could kill you very easily
just by pulling on this lever.
1095
01:36:57,229 --> 01:36:59,982
But I would die along with you,
hence my conflict.
1096
01:37:02,859 --> 01:37:03,986
Decisions...
1097
01:37:04,194 --> 01:37:05,529
...decisions.
1098
01:37:06,363 --> 01:37:08,448
Allow me to make
that decision for you.
1099
01:37:08,657 --> 01:37:12,619
Mr. West, although you are
as black as the night on the outside...
1100
01:37:12,786 --> 01:37:13,870
...inside...
1101
01:37:14,746 --> 01:37:18,166
...you are yellow!
1102
01:37:18,667 --> 01:37:22,546
You just don't have it in you.
1103
01:37:23,422 --> 01:37:24,840
Do you...
1104
01:37:26,008 --> 01:37:27,134
...boy?
1105
01:37:47,237 --> 01:37:50,157
Now that's a whupping.
1106
01:38:06,548 --> 01:38:09,718
You'll be happy to know
I'm creating a new agency...
1107
01:38:09,968 --> 01:38:12,554
...whose sole purpose
is to protect the president.
1108
01:38:13,013 --> 01:38:14,431
Welcome to the Secret Service.
1109
01:38:14,681 --> 01:38:16,600
Agents number one and number two.
1110
01:38:17,017 --> 01:38:18,518
Thank you, Mr. President.
1111
01:38:18,727 --> 01:38:22,314
Do you mind if I ask which one is agent
number one and which is number two?
1112
01:38:22,731 --> 01:38:25,734
- I don't think that matters. Do you?
- Not if you don't.
1113
01:38:25,942 --> 01:38:29,946
Anyway, you'll have plenty of time
to discuss it on your new assignment.
1114
01:38:30,655 --> 01:38:32,783
See you in Washington, gentlemen.
1115
01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,750
Mr. President, what about our train?
1116
01:38:42,084 --> 01:38:43,710
I'm taking it, of course.
1117
01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:46,713
Hell, you let Loveless blow up mine.
1118
01:38:49,716 --> 01:38:51,301
Jim, Artie!
1119
01:38:52,260 --> 01:38:54,471
- My heroes.
- Rita, look at you.
1120
01:38:56,181 --> 01:38:58,975
- You're a vision.
- That's a fine dress you got on.
1121
01:38:59,226 --> 01:39:04,106
I wanted to thank you for all you've
done for me before I went back to Texas.
1122
01:39:04,356 --> 01:39:06,441
Texas? What do you mean?
1123
01:39:06,691 --> 01:39:08,193
Come to Washington with me.
1124
01:39:08,443 --> 01:39:11,279
Or better yet,
come back to Washington with me.
1125
01:39:11,738 --> 01:39:15,367
I'm afraid I haven't been
completely honest with you.
1126
01:39:16,034 --> 01:39:19,830
Professor Escobar is not my father.
He's my husband.
1127
01:39:22,290 --> 01:39:24,960
- You could've told us that.
- Yes.
1128
01:39:25,669 --> 01:39:28,672
Rita, dear, we really must be going.
1129
01:39:30,882 --> 01:39:31,967
Bye.
1130
01:39:35,804 --> 01:39:38,223
At least you still have each other.
1131
01:39:57,325 --> 01:39:58,618
Jim?
1132
01:39:59,411 --> 01:40:00,662
What now, Artie?
1133
01:40:00,871 --> 01:40:03,540
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
1134
01:40:03,748 --> 01:40:05,625
Actually, I do, Artie.
1135
01:45:53,723 --> 01:45:55,725
[English - US]
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