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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,737
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,739
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,678
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:11,712
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,884
(loud dance music playing)
6
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,757
EDGAR:
Hey, guys?
7
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,759
(music continues playing on TV)
One, two, three, go!
8
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,762
Ah!
9
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:29,763
Head wigglies!
10
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:30,864
Guys...
I win!
11
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,200
Head wigglies?
12
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,267
Head wigglies.
13
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:34,935
When you drink something cold
too fast
14
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,704
and your head gets all wiggly.
15
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,240
You Brits have baby talk
for everything.
EDGAR: Guys...
16
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:41,342
Telly, lorry, willy,
nappy, bobby!
Guys.
17
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,777
Well, you have very silly things
in your vocabulary as well.
18
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:44,778
Like what?
19
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,347
"American exceptionalism."
20
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,848
Nice.
21
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,016
Former colony burn.
22
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,118
(mutes TV)
Guys!
23
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,419
What is it?!
Excuse me!
24
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:52,453
You are being exceedingly rude.
Can't you see
25
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,754
that we're in
the middle of something?
26
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,523
This is the fifth night
in a row.
27
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,258
Can you pack it in
for the night?
28
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,359
No can do,
Hoss.
29
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,860
Jimmy's never seen
House Party.
30
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,462
Really?
Yeah.
31
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:02,896
Somehow the House Party series
32
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,533
wasn't popular
in my scorchingly racist,
33
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,201
industrial lead-mining
neighborhood.
34
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,969
He thinks Play's the villain.
35
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,871
Ah, no, actually,
I have updated
36
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,741
my archetypal dramatis personae
since act one.
37
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,476
Play is the Sage.
38
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,145
Mm.
Kid is the Seeker,
39
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,280
Stab is the Villain
and Martin Lawrence is the Fool.
40
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,149
I have to be at work
really early.
41
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,916
Are you talking
about making me breakfast?
42
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:25,253
'Cause I wouldn't call
10:00 a.m. "really early."
43
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,987
I work at the gym.
44
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,123
Oh, no, Edgar,
45
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,559
we call it
"working out" at the gym.
46
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:32,793
Do you really
have a job?
47
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,462
Yes! I wipe down machines
48
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:37,565
and I monitor the men's showers
for roughhousing.
49
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,632
Do you know what?
50
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:41,068
I haven't been
taking into account
51
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,336
what an adjustment
it must be for you,
52
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,771
having Gretchen living here now.
53
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,005
We should all learn
to compromise.
54
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,674
Thank you.
55
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,642
So let's put it to a house vote.
56
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,678
On the floor is the question:
57
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,946
Should we have a curfew
on weeknights?
58
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,114
Those in favor?
59
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:56,584
Those in opposition?
60
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,585
Ah.
61
00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,320
The cold,
62
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,255
egalitarian hand
of Lady Democracy
63
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:02,423
has triumphed
64
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,791
once again.
65
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:04,958
God save the Queen.
66
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:06,360
God save the Queen.
67
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:08,462
(TV resumes playing)
68
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:18,206
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
69
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:21,041
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
70
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,477
* Gonna leave you anyway.
71
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,384
Here we go.
72
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:33,153
Breakfast
lasagna.
73
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:34,455
No thanks.
Not hungry.
74
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,956
But you guys are always hungry.
75
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,525
Too hungover.
76
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:38,959
Also, we ate at,
like, what,
77
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,127
5:00 a.m.?
Mm.
78
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,629
I made Bagel Bites.
79
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:45,065
Well, since I made
all this lasagna,
80
00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:46,967
maybe we should
have Lindsay over.
81
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,503
She loves a breakfast lasagna.
82
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,504
(laughs)
83
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,906
Dogs don't eat nachos.
84
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,508
EDGAR: Plus, we're all
so worried
85
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,977
about how she's doing
with the whole
86
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,646
Paul breakup.
GRETCHEN:
She's fine.
87
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,314
I'm seeing her later.
Okay,
well, then,
88
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,482
uh, give her my love.
89
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:02,916
Well, not like "my love,"
90
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,353
just like, "S'up?
Hang in there, kid."
91
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:06,920
You know. Something chill
and friendly-like.
92
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:07,988
(phone pings, Gretchen grunts)
93
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,857
My Uber driver called,
like, six times
94
00:03:09,890 --> 00:03:12,192
and it didn't even ring!
95
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,496
Salvatore!
96
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,930
Salvatore?!
97
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,165
Is he out there?
98
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,667
No.
99
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,435
But the Zoiddle car
just drove past
100
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,271
with all its stupid cameras.
101
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,439
Shoot!
I should have flashed him.
102
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:27,508
I hate the Zoiddle car.
Why?
103
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,876
It's a violation.
104
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:30,544
Putting my house on the Internet
105
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:32,212
for any of
my obsessive fans to see.
106
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,947
(phone beeps)
GRETCHEN:
Hello? Can you hear me?
107
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,016
What's the address here?
108
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,618
You don't know the address?
109
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,119
No.
You live here.
110
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,354
Who knows their address?
111
00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:41,689
People.
112
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,190
Kidnapped children.
113
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,193
This dog I saw on Dateline
who rides the bus to the park.
114
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:49,463
6969 69th Street.
115
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,732
6969... (chuckles)
116
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,701
(phone beeps)
Hello?
117
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,369
Damn it!
Not again.
EDGAR:
You should just get
118
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,137
on Jimmy's plan.
He gets great reception
119
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,772
and a family plan
will probably be cheaper
120
00:03:58,806 --> 00:03:59,740
for both of you anyway.
121
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,241
Ew! Ugh!
122
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,076
Gross.
Why don't you get
on a family plan?
123
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,313
Well, I don't have a family.
124
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,747
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
125
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,148
Well, you sure you don't want
to take some for the road?
126
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,417
Seriously, thanks.
127
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,918
I couldn't eat another bite.
128
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,320
I'm telling you, Gretch,
I'm great.
129
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,388
Living alone is way fun.
130
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:18,058
I'm naked all the time,
ass-ing everything.
131
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,928
100%, 24/7 sprawling.
132
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,162
Oh, I love
sprawling.
133
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,731
Sprawling is the best.
134
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,567
Sure, Paul messed up
the natural order of things:
135
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,803
hot awesome sex foxes are
supposed to leave rich nerds,
136
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:31,004
not the other way around.
137
00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,440
But it's okay.
138
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,274
Paul was just too reserved
139
00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:36,076
to be compatible
with someone like me
140
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,078
who just wants to truly live.
141
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:38,979
And sprawl.
142
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,080
And sprawl, Gretch.
143
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,014
Gotta sprawl.
144
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,416
So you haven't seen him?
145
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,017
He's been busy
planning his new future
146
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,753
with the chat room girl.
147
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,455
Beer cooze?
Beer cooze.
148
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,190
Actually, he's coming
by later to drop off his keys.
149
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,359
You want me
to be there?
150
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,026
Give him some of my
shitty death stares?
151
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,028
Ooh!
152
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,430
But it's okay.
153
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,765
I'm in a good place about it.
154
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,999
Are you sure?
'Cause I can...
155
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,368
(stomach gurgles)
156
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:01,935
Oh, God.
157
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,203
I'm fine.
158
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,204
It passed.
159
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,439
You look terrible.
160
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,040
Ever since I've been at Jimmy's,
161
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,442
we've been partying nonstop.
162
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,611
If I don't get a night off soon,
163
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,780
I think my liver is gonna
slide out of my body, you know?
164
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,281
No, Gretch.
165
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,282
I don't know.
166
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,984
What?
You can't stop.
167
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,386
But I'm tired.
168
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:19,787
Were you born yesterday?
169
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,822
Did you slither
out of your mother's cooch
170
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,290
yesterday, Gretchen?
171
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,659
Are you a little
born-yesterday diaperface?
172
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,294
Why are you being
so mean to me?
173
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,398
(baby talk):
"Yesterday I was safe
in my mommy's tummy
174
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,165
"and then I got borned
175
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,902
and the world is so cold
and hard. Wah!"
176
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,838
I just want to drink tea
and read a book and be cozy.
177
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,740
You shut the hell up!
Lindser!
178
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:40,974
In the early days,
179
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,743
Paul and I used
to have actual fun.
180
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,312
Then, pretty soon,
it was laptops in bed,
181
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,747
lights out at 10:00
182
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,482
and next thing you knew,
I was calling him "the hubs"
183
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:49,883
and he could only finish
in my hand.
184
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:50,984
What?
185
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,153
There comes a day
when every relationship
186
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,489
turns gross, old
and boring.
187
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,324
Like Ben Affleck
and Jennifer "Gardener."
188
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,059
Don't puss out
this early.
189
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,862
Keep it awesome
for as long as you can.
190
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,363
(gasps)
I know.
191
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,665
Do butt stuff tonight!
192
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,434
But I don't want to do
butt stuff tonight.
193
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,001
Ow!
194
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,537
You go home tonight
195
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,439
and you dress up
real slutty,
196
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,574
and you do butt stuff
with your boyfriend.
197
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,908
For all of us
198
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,745
who let love die
by becoming ordinary.
199
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,580
Do it for
the sweater people, Gretch.
200
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,915
The sweater people.
201
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,684
Wait.
You wear sweaters all the time.
202
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:24,918
It's a metaphor.
203
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,689
*
204
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,458
Hey. Hey.
(gasps)
205
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,625
I got your emergency text.
206
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:34,394
Oh, God, that was touch
and go there for a second.
207
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:37,598
Ah! Head wigglies.
208
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,100
You and Gretchen
should really take it easy.
209
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,102
Absolutely not.
210
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,303
I'm having a blast!
211
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,739
I mean, yeah,
I'm peeing blood
212
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,941
and I briefly forgot
the word for telephone,
213
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,910
but just because
we're co-habitating
214
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:53,947
does not mean that we're gonna
become disgusting normals.
215
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,116
If you don't get some sleep,
you're gonna die.
216
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,218
I died when I was with Becca.
217
00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,386
That's when I died.
218
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,421
With Gretchen,
I'm determined to live.
219
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,561
While I'm here...
220
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,663
a friend of mine has a problem.
221
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:10,598
Is it you?
222
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,399
No, my friend Gabriel,
from work.
223
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,567
You don't have friends.
224
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:16,504
Is it you?
Anyway, Gabriel likes this girl
225
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,271
who's going through
some life transitions.
226
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,773
Edgar, you're obviously talking
227
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:20,908
about you and Lindsay.
228
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,075
How did you know?
229
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,076
Well, you've been screaming
230
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,077
her name out in your sleep.
231
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,746
Usually it's things like,
232
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,147
"Get to the chopper!"
233
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,982
or "Where's Rodriguez?"
234
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,184
or "I didn't know
it was a school!"
235
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,153
(softly):
I didn't know it was a school.
236
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,121
The point is,
237
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,524
if this is about
you and Lindsay,
238
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,792
there is no you and Lindsay.
239
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,260
There's never
gonna be.
240
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,194
Never mind.
241
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,262
Can I go back to work now?
242
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,464
You have a job?
243
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,637
Hello, Lindsay.
244
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,438
Paul, you don't have
to be nervous.
245
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,773
I'm fine.
246
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,007
Really?
247
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:56,043
Okay. Good.
248
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,945
Guess I don't need
this pepper spray.
249
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,713
Here's your mail.
250
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,448
Thank you, madame.
251
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,116
(laughs)
252
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,319
Actually, I brought
a few things for you to sign.
253
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,721
What is it?
254
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:08,989
Just busywork.
255
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,391
Like this one removes you
from my video store account.
256
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:14,995
This one,
my hummus of the month club.
257
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,564
This takes you
off the membership
258
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,800
for the Museum
of Prehistoric Metallurgy,
259
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,402
but I bought you your own
individual membership
260
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,572
so there'd be no gap
for you there.
261
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,143
(clears throat)
262
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,512
So, how's beer coo...
263
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,381
Amy?
Good.
264
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:36,149
I'm actually flying
to Boulder tomorrow
265
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:39,152
to meet Amy "I.R.L." for
the first time, in real life.
266
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,321
That's great.
267
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,491
Yeah.
That's really great.
268
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,694
You're gonna do a makeover
before you go, right?
269
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,495
What?
Oh, nothing.
I just figured
270
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,230
before you met your soul mate
271
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,232
you would want to make sure
you were looking your best.
272
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:53,834
What?
Has your hair
273
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,603
always been so round?
274
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,838
You're right,
she's gonna hate me.
275
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,273
I look like a young Roger Ebert.
276
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,675
Come upstairs.
277
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,444
I'll help you pick out
a couple outfits.
278
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,879
Really?
After all,
279
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,114
you got me my
own membership
280
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,448
to the place with
the old stuff.
281
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,550
Thanks, Lindsay.
282
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,623
This is really mature of you.
283
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,192
(panting):
Almost...
284
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,293
almost...
285
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:22,562
I'm ready!
286
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,597
Okay.
287
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,038
(moans)
Tighter!
288
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,773
Oh, come on, bear.
Oh...
289
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:34,441
Oh, sweet hand.
290
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,876
That's right, Paulywog.
291
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:36,944
It's happening, it's happening.
292
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:37,911
Oh...
293
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,213
(yowling)
294
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,750
(roars)
(gasps)
295
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,656
What the hell am I doing?
296
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:51,124
(door opens)
297
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:52,726
(Jimmy clears throat)
298
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,427
Hey.
299
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,396
Hey, yourself, Hunk-face.
300
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,065
What are you wearing?
301
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,968
Just a little something
fun and flirty.
302
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:03,103
You like?
303
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,571
Yeah, I bet you do.
304
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,339
I thought we could do
butt stuff tonight.
305
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:09,576
Fantastic!
306
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,911
Yeah, for sure.
307
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,980
We don't have to
if you don't want to.
308
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:13,914
I mean, I could be fine just...
309
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:14,915
Pfft.
310
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,016
Of course I want
to do butt stuff.
311
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,117
In fact,
312
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,285
I am so up for
313
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,853
having another crazy night,
314
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:21,689
I have prepared as well.
315
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,092
(laughing):
Oh, look!
316
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,094
You got a whole mess of cocaine.
317
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,161
Oh, yeah.
318
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,797
'Cause you love cocaine, right?
319
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,832
Yes, I do!
(laughs)
320
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:34,301
It's my shit.
321
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,268
Cool.
322
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,337
Let's add cocaine
to the butt stuff.
323
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:42,642
(yawns)
324
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:43,711
Are you yawning?
325
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,879
(crescendos yawn into shout)
326
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,380
I'm just excited
327
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,116
for our night of drugs
328
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,819
and potentially
dangerous sex acts.
329
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:55,956
(sighs)
330
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,957
(quietly):
Yay.
331
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,325
(quietly):
Yay.
332
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,060
(both chuckle)
333
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,006
(gasps)
334
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,579
(groans)
335
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,015
(groans)
336
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,196
(gasps) Ooh, we should
let the divorce go through
337
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,530
and then get remarried.
338
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,499
That way, we get to have
another fat-ass party
339
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,770
where everyone has to buy us
more cool prizes off our list.
340
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:45,172
Still can't believe no one
bought us that doughnut maker.
341
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,740
Those cheapskates.
342
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,742
Can't believe I was disloyal.
343
00:11:48,776 --> 00:11:50,744
To let myself be tempted.
344
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,780
And by the fruit
of another.
345
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,182
See, Paul, the great
thing about me
346
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:58,185
is that I'm incredibly good
at moving past things.
347
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,887
Poof. I forgive you.
348
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,022
No, I meant disloyal to Amy.
349
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,891
What?!
Oh, God.
350
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,725
I haven't even met her
351
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:08,561
and I've already cheated on her.
352
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,529
Cheated on her?
353
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,730
But I'm your wife.
354
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,200
You can't leave!
355
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,301
I love you.
356
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:17,404
Do you even know
what love means?
357
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,806
Yeah, it's like,
"Hey, I love you.
358
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,541
Smooch, smooch. Now go make me
some Bagel Bites."
359
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,411
(sighs) Love isn't about having
someone to get you things.
360
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:27,781
Love is putting someone else's
feelings above your own.
361
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,716
Do you think you
could ever do that?
362
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,051
Honestly?
363
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,585
Ew.
364
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,421
I didn't mean that.
365
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:41,261
Bi...tch.
366
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:46,466
Bi...tch.
367
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,268
Wake up, bitch!
368
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,602
(screams)
369
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,238
Why are you
yelling at me?!
370
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,739
What are you doing
in my house?
371
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,008
We had a lunch
meeting.
372
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:56,910
Just three dudes sitting alone
in Chin Chin like weirdos.
373
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,178
Oh, shit.
374
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:01,414
I'm sorry, I haven't
been... sleeping much.
375
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,983
Do I look like a Fitbit?
376
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,352
I don't give a shit
about your sleep.
377
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,187
What I give a shit about
378
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,022
is the unfathomable fact
379
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:12,792
that you, bitch,
do not respect my brand.
380
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:13,927
Our brand.
Whatever.
381
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,996
(sighs) I'm here, Sam.
What do you need?
382
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,998
I need you to act
like a human person
383
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,767
and pick up your goddamn phone
when I call your stank ass!
384
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,269
I'm sorry.
385
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,637
My cell gets terrible reception
now that I moved to Jimmy's.
386
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,606
You moved in
with Jimmy?
387
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,941
I need to talk to you later.
388
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,010
I'm thinking about locking
things down with Jaclyn.
389
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:34,047
Take this-- that's
your God phone.
390
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,049
You pick that shit up when
God wants to talk to you
391
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,817
or you wish to
talk to God.
392
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,786
(snickers)
Yo Mobile?
393
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,788
They sell these
at my dispensary.
394
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:42,990
Guys, I have a work number.
395
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:44,491
Uh-uh.
396
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:48,161
Sleepy bitches lose they right
to use normal people phones.
397
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,498
Sleepy bitches only get to use
phones made for hookers
398
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,667
and drug addicts and
irresponsible garbage people!
399
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,071
(door opens)
400
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,406
HONEY NUTZ:
Come on, let's go.
401
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:00,740
(door slams)
402
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,143
(keypad beeping)
403
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,179
(Crazy Frog hip-hop
ringtone plays)
404
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,155
What should we
do tonight?
405
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,757
(inhales)
I don't know.
406
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:21,528
I mean... we could just,
like, keep it chill.
407
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:22,562
(chuckles)
408
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,864
Like, have a low-key night.
409
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:27,434
Mellow and easy,
but still fun.
410
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,502
Yeah, the yacht rock
of nights.
411
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,105
I mean... sure.
412
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,607
I guess that
sounds okay to me.
413
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,210
(sighs)
414
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,545
How can I help you kids?
415
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:39,879
Uh, I moved
in with him,
416
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:43,883
and ever since then,
I've had reception issues,
417
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,286
so I just didn't know
what my options were, but...
418
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,956
Ah, the family plan.
419
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,691
Main Street.
420
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,227
Gingersnaps
at the kitchen table.
421
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,196
An armoire full of board games.
422
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,231
A funny cat video.
423
00:14:58,265 --> 00:14:59,566
A "just checking in" text
424
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:00,968
exactly when you
need it the most.
425
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:02,970
The savings?
426
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:05,538
Well, heck, who doesn't
like to save a buck?
427
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,908
But a family plan
is about people.
428
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:11,578
People wanting to be part
of something bigger
429
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:14,814
in this world that feels...
430
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,817
well, too darn big some days,
if you ask me.
431
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:21,388
Every time you look at your
phone, you'll say to yourself,
432
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,991
"I'm part of something.
433
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,060
"I'm part of a family.
434
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,262
I'm part of a family plan."
435
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:33,666
How lame was that guy?
436
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,068
Ugh, the lamest.
437
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,770
(people laughing)
438
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:40,673
What's up?
439
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,176
Nothing. Just partying hard
like you guys.
440
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:45,412
Not exactly like us.
(scoffs)
441
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,115
Um, we're on our fifth
shot each.
442
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,417
Wow, alcohol.
443
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,684
Hard core.
(laughing)
444
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,753
Let it go.
445
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,423
For your information,
we did a ton of
446
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,191
(whispering):
cocaine last night.
447
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:00,860
That's cool... if you're
a day-trader in the '80s
448
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:03,196
or my dad's new wife Brenda.
449
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,197
(snickering)
450
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,532
Well, what do you
assholes have?
451
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,267
It's this new
synthetic thing.
452
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,635
Belgian.
453
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,138
They use it to chemically
sterilize horses.
454
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,172
Who cares?
455
00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:13,706
Let's get more shots.
How much?
456
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:14,941
It's pretty intense.
457
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,643
We stole a DVD kiosk
last night.
458
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,644
How much?
459
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:18,845
40 a pill.
460
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,180
$40?!
461
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,681
Give him the cheddar.
462
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,455
Let me just give
you guys a few tips.
463
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,789
Do not listen to music.
464
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,459
Nothing is sucking
you towards it.
465
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,494
Thanks, rookie,
we'll be fine.
466
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:35,795
Okay.
467
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,464
Good luck.
468
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,798
"Do not listen
to music"?
469
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,832
(chuckles)
470
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,168
Shut up, you
little bitch.
471
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,036
I've been doing drugs
since I was nine.
472
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,204
Eat shit, haters.
473
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,376
(door alarm dinging)
474
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,149
(blinker clicking)
475
00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,850
(gasps)
476
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,388
(door alarm continues dinging)
477
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,662
(doorbell rings)
478
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,399
(muffled sobbing)
479
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,440
(muffled sobbing continues)
480
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:24,344
Lindsay, are you trapped
under something heavy?
481
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,878
All right.
482
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,614
I'm coming in.
483
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,120
(sobs)
484
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,456
At the end of the
day, he wanted me.
485
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,927
He just didn't
want me forever.
486
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,465
Lindsay, you know
the people you remember
487
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,135
from, like,
history books?
488
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:49,902
Not a one.
489
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,871
(chuckles)
Me neither, actually.
490
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,542
But those explorers
and adventurers in there
491
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,876
were the ones who saw
492
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:00,213
that snowy, unfriendly,
treacherous mountain pass
493
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:03,950
and said, "Challenge accepted."
494
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,788
You think I'm an unfriendly
treacherous mountain?
495
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,958
And I think Paul
couldn't hack it.
496
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:17,597
And for that, he's not only
a fool, but he's a coward.
497
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,666
(chuckles)
Thank you.
498
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:28,141
Meanwhile, I'm gonna die here
alone in the museum of Paul.
499
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:30,677
And I hate museums.
500
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,779
Then get rid
of it all.
501
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:41,654
Come on.
502
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,760
(imitates airplane)
503
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,197
(imitates explosion)
504
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,269
We can't keep doing this.
This has got to stop.
505
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:58,638
But I don't want to be
one of the sweater people.
506
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,973
Gretch, we couldn't be
one of the sweater people
507
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,543
even if we wore, like,
ten cardigans each.
508
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:07,780
But what if only people with
secret sweater people inside
509
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,148
fear becoming
sweater people?
510
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,817
Like how homophobes
secretly want
511
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,185
all the dicks
in their mouths.
512
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:14,721
Look, we're not against
sweater people.
513
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,857
We're not protesting sweater
people's right to exist.
514
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,859
We just choose
not to be them,
515
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,329
because they remind us
of encroaching death.
516
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,331
Okay?
517
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,299
Okay.
518
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,836
So... you're okay
if I just lie here
519
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,904
and read my book?
520
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:34,307
As long as it's okay I go
to sleep immediately
521
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,676
and get a refreshing
nine hours.
522
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,979
Deal.
523
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:40,980
Good night.
524
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,315
Good night.
525
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,016
Mm-wah.
Mm-wah.
526
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,255
So we'll just stick
to clear liquids?
527
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,357
Sounds good.
528
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,026
Two vodkas.
529
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,668
Do you think Paul wants
his geocaching gear?
530
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:02,669
LINDSAY:
Mm.
531
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,671
Maybe he can use it
to track down
532
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,273
his new girlfriend's
tiny boobs.
533
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,674
(laughs)
534
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,041
Mean.
535
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,912
Hey, will you take out
this trash...
536
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,793
Thanks for helping
me tonight.
537
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,128
Do you want some
Bagel Bites?
538
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,230
I could eat.
539
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:41,107
(hip-hop music plays)
540
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,983
* Time to introduce
myself as B-Ill *
541
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:51,984
* The super chill
542
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:53,320
* The kind lady daffodil
543
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,655
* Dre from Brazil
making beats so versatile *
544
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:59,326
* I'm a magical jungle man,
my reality a hologram *
545
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,327
* Here I go again
546
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,829
* Is it inane or just insane?
547
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:05,332
* My life is on the brain
with a grip up on the mic *
548
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:06,666
* Yeah, we doing it right
549
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,000
* Original gangsters
from Cleveland unite *
550
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,669
* It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster *
551
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:13,740
* To be a gangster *
* With basket on your bike
552
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,608
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
553
00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:17,344
* It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster *
554
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,679
* To be a gangster *
* With basket on your bike
555
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,348
* It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster *
556
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:22,682
* To be a gangster *
557
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:24,351
* With basket on your bike
558
00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:27,354
* It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster *
559
00:21:27,387 --> 00:21:29,689
* Gangster, gangster, gangster
560
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:32,359
* It is hard to be
a gangster, gangster *
561
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:34,361
* Gangster, gangster,
gangster. *
562
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:50,743
[ Clears Throat ]
563
00:21:56,816 --> 00:22:00,520
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
564
00:22:06,258 --> 00:22:08,060
Determination,
565
00:22:08,094 --> 00:22:09,662
tenacity,
566
00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:11,464
endurance...
567
00:22:11,498 --> 00:22:13,032
may produce champions,
568
00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:15,868
but legends
really come to life...
569
00:22:15,902 --> 00:22:17,437
when they get hard.
570
00:22:19,406 --> 00:22:22,375
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
571
00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:25,211
Only on FXX.
572
00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:29,749
What are Johnny's influences?
573
00:22:29,782 --> 00:22:32,752
Bourbon, speed, cocaine.
574
00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:37,023
The Clash, the Kinks,
the Ramones, the Replacements,
Del Fuegos.
575
00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:39,926
Listerine Dimetapp,
Quackers Krell.
576
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:42,194
I don't even know
what those last two are.
577
00:22:42,228 --> 00:22:44,564
[ Announcer ]
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.
578
00:22:44,597 --> 00:22:46,566
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
On FX.
579
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:49,736
You have to pick up Maya.
580
00:22:49,769 --> 00:22:52,204
I have Frankie and Ella
at soccer until 3:00.
You know what?
581
00:22:52,238 --> 00:22:55,007
I think you need
to make some time
to take care of us.
582
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:56,843
I don't have time.
583
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,779
All I have is 15 minutes
between Ella getting her
braces off and Maya's gym.
584
00:22:59,812 --> 00:23:01,848
That's fine.
That's why we have
the minivan.
585
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:05,284
Ugh!
Captain's chairs.
586
00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:06,953
Don't.
587
00:23:06,986 --> 00:23:09,789
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
588
00:23:09,822 --> 00:23:10,857
Only on FX.
589
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:11,924
Ugh!
590
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,610
[ Male Announcer ]
The Bastard Executioner.
591
00:23:30,643 --> 00:23:33,680
Tuesdays at 10:00.
Starts September 15 on FX.
592
00:23:37,349 --> 00:23:39,318
[ Dings ]
40003
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