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1
00:00:10,034 --> 00:00:11,689
[engine shuts off]
2
00:00:13,241 --> 00:00:16,206
Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.
3
00:00:16,310 --> 00:00:17,655
I think someone's following me.
4
00:00:17,758 --> 00:00:19,241
Who?
5
00:00:19,344 --> 00:00:20,965
Get in here.
It's the doc crew.
6
00:00:21,068 --> 00:00:22,551
[sighs]
7
00:00:23,344 --> 00:00:24,413
You, too. Come on.
8
00:00:24,517 --> 00:00:25,758
When I ran away from Nandor,
9
00:00:25,862 --> 00:00:27,206
I didn't really know
where to go.
10
00:00:27,310 --> 00:00:29,896
[Nandor]
Guillermo!
11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,586
[Guillermo]
So I just flew
for hours and hours.
12
00:00:33,689 --> 00:00:35,000
Which was a little cool because
13
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,000
that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.
14
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:38,310
But also not cool
15
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,793
because I knew Nandor was trying
16
00:00:39,896 --> 00:00:41,241
to track me down to kill me.
17
00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:43,586
Eventually, I just went
to Derek because...
18
00:00:43,689 --> 00:00:44,689
I had no one else to turn to.
19
00:00:44,793 --> 00:00:46,827
I've just been laying low,
20
00:00:46,931 --> 00:00:49,413
hiding for who knows how long.
21
00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:53,034
I wish they had Bravo here.
22
00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,172
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
23
00:00:55,275 --> 00:00:57,793
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
24
00:00:57,896 --> 00:01:00,172
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
25
00:01:00,275 --> 00:01:02,896
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
26
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,068
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
27
00:01:07,344 --> 00:01:10,310
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
28
00:01:10,413 --> 00:01:13,103
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
29
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:15,379
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
30
00:01:15,482 --> 00:01:17,862
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
31
00:01:17,965 --> 00:01:20,206
♪ ♪
32
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,310
[door closes]
33
00:01:29,413 --> 00:01:30,862
I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have been
34
00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:32,068
-tailing you, too.
-Derek, that was them.
35
00:01:32,172 --> 00:01:33,724
Whoa.
36
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,517
-You guys are good. Respect.
-Derek, just promise me
37
00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:37,137
you haven't told anyone else
that I'm here.
38
00:01:37,241 --> 00:01:39,068
Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?
39
00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:41,275
Because... yes, actually,
I did tell Chad.
40
00:01:41,379 --> 00:01:42,655
This is serious, okay?
41
00:01:42,758 --> 00:01:44,103
My master is actively
trying to kill me.
42
00:01:44,206 --> 00:01:45,517
Did you bring my meat?
43
00:01:45,620 --> 00:01:47,241
Yes, burgers, extra rare,
just like you asked.
44
00:01:47,344 --> 00:01:49,586
I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.
45
00:01:49,689 --> 00:01:51,172
Turns out, I'm bad at it.
46
00:01:51,275 --> 00:01:52,655
So, um,
I don't know if you use Venmo
47
00:01:52,758 --> 00:01:53,758
or maybe you're a Zelle guy...
48
00:01:53,862 --> 00:01:56,034
[retches]
These are not raw.
49
00:01:56,137 --> 00:01:57,931
I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.
50
00:01:58,034 --> 00:01:59,931
-[stammering]
-[knocking]
51
00:02:06,655 --> 00:02:08,517
-Sup, bitch?
-What the hell
are you doing here?
52
00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:09,827
Did anyone see you? Get inside.
53
00:02:09,931 --> 00:02:11,000
No, and it wouldn't
matter if they did
54
00:02:11,103 --> 00:02:13,724
because, hello,
I'm in disguise.
55
00:02:13,827 --> 00:02:14,793
Stop dancing, get inside.
56
00:02:14,896 --> 00:02:16,241
How did you find me?
57
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,000
Your friend Derek told me
where you were hiding.
58
00:02:18,103 --> 00:02:19,413
[old-timey detective voice]
I paid him a little visit
59
00:02:19,517 --> 00:02:21,310
earlier today, see?
60
00:02:21,413 --> 00:02:22,551
So, that was you.
61
00:02:22,655 --> 00:02:23,896
-[laughs]
-Who did you think it was?
62
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,793
She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.
63
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,965
-[Nadja] That's funny.
-I'm gonna need you
to do me a favor, buddy.
64
00:02:28,068 --> 00:02:32,275
Can you go to the market and
get me some raw, rawmeat
65
00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:34,413
and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.
66
00:02:34,517 --> 00:02:35,655
-Can you do that?
-Can do, can do.
67
00:02:35,758 --> 00:02:37,137
-Thank you, buddy.
-Okay, great.
68
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,551
-Okay. Thanks so much.
-See you guys in a minute.
69
00:02:38,655 --> 00:02:40,310
Idiot.
70
00:02:40,413 --> 00:02:42,482
Guillermo. Sit.
71
00:02:42,586 --> 00:02:46,241
You simply cannot talk
to the vampire who turned you
72
00:02:46,344 --> 00:02:47,896
with such disrespect.
73
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,137
That is a sacred relationship.
74
00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:51,724
You have to protect him.
75
00:02:51,827 --> 00:02:53,689
Like we protect the Baron
and the Sire.
76
00:02:53,793 --> 00:02:56,103
If anything was to happen
to that stupid man,
77
00:02:56,206 --> 00:02:58,793
the effects for you, my friend,
would be catastrophic.
78
00:02:58,896 --> 00:03:00,413
-Yes.
-[blows raspberry]
79
00:03:00,517 --> 00:03:02,241
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.
80
00:03:02,344 --> 00:03:04,586
I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know--
81
00:03:04,689 --> 00:03:05,931
Nandor trying to kill you thing.
82
00:03:06,034 --> 00:03:08,344
-Awkward. [laughs]
-Which, by the way, um...
83
00:03:08,448 --> 00:03:09,517
Any progress on that end?
84
00:03:09,620 --> 00:03:11,620
Uh, yeah, um, a little.
85
00:03:11,724 --> 00:03:12,620
-You talked to him?
-Yeah.
86
00:03:12,724 --> 00:03:14,068
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
87
00:03:14,172 --> 00:03:15,000
What'd he say?
88
00:03:15,103 --> 00:03:17,310
-[screaming]
-Nandor, come on.
89
00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:18,896
I'm gonna murder him!
90
00:03:19,724 --> 00:03:21,137
Maybe if I write him a letter...
91
00:03:21,241 --> 00:03:23,862
Yeah, like if you wrote him
a suicide note,
92
00:03:23,965 --> 00:03:25,724
and actually followed through
on it,
93
00:03:25,827 --> 00:03:28,586
then that would
probably cool him down.
94
00:03:28,689 --> 00:03:31,655
-[faint moaning]
-[springs creaking]
95
00:03:31,758 --> 00:03:34,379
Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?
96
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:35,517
[exhales]
97
00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:37,724
[sighs] Why did I do this?
98
00:03:37,827 --> 00:03:39,413
Look, relationships evolve.
99
00:03:39,517 --> 00:03:41,344
Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.
100
00:03:41,448 --> 00:03:45,310
At first, I was just using them
to get rid of my hex.
101
00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,034
But then it turned out...
102
00:03:47,137 --> 00:03:49,137
I really like hanging out
with those guys.
103
00:03:49,241 --> 00:03:50,931
-[loud moaning]
-I know you didn't mean...
104
00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:52,551
[clears throat]
I know you didn't mean
105
00:03:52,655 --> 00:03:53,896
for things to turn out this way,
106
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,862
-[loud moaning]
-but I think it's time
107
00:03:55,965 --> 00:03:57,103
you need to accept--
You know what?
108
00:03:57,206 --> 00:03:58,931
Hang on,
I cannot take this anymore!
109
00:03:59,034 --> 00:04:00,413
[man]
Yeah!
110
00:04:00,517 --> 00:04:02,068
-[springs creaking wildly]
-[door crashes open]
111
00:04:02,172 --> 00:04:03,965
-It's hard, you know.
-[woman moaning loudly]
112
00:04:04,068 --> 00:04:05,758
-[indistinct conversation]
-To know that
you've done something,
113
00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:08,310
that you messed up
but you can't...
114
00:04:08,413 --> 00:04:10,655
-[moaning resumes]
-...fix it and...
115
00:04:10,758 --> 00:04:12,862
-[Nadja moaning]
-And she's joined them.
116
00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:14,137
-[moaning]
-[thudding]
117
00:04:14,241 --> 00:04:17,758
[Nandor]
Night after night, I hunt.
118
00:04:17,862 --> 00:04:22,310
I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breath
119
00:04:22,413 --> 00:04:25,241
and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.
120
00:04:25,344 --> 00:04:27,379
So I've been watching
the one place
121
00:04:27,482 --> 00:04:30,724
I know he will
return to eventually...
122
00:04:30,827 --> 00:04:32,793
Panera Bread.
123
00:04:32,896 --> 00:04:34,793
I've got you now.
124
00:04:34,896 --> 00:04:36,517
He can run,
125
00:04:36,620 --> 00:04:38,137
but he cannot run far.
126
00:04:38,241 --> 00:04:40,724
Because he has very short legs.
127
00:04:42,965 --> 00:04:45,655
-[gasps]
-Guillermo, now you will die.
128
00:04:45,758 --> 00:04:47,655
-I-I didn't do anything.
-[roaring]
129
00:04:47,758 --> 00:04:51,620
Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.
130
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:52,965
And this disguise
131
00:04:53,068 --> 00:04:54,655
that has slightly altered
your appearance
132
00:04:54,758 --> 00:04:55,965
does not fool me.
133
00:04:56,068 --> 00:04:57,689
I'm not Guillermo!
I'm not Guillermo!
134
00:04:57,793 --> 00:04:59,896
I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.
135
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,896
-Patton Oswalt?
-Yeah.
136
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,172
-An actor?
-Yes!
137
00:05:03,275 --> 00:05:04,758
What would I know you from?
138
00:05:04,862 --> 00:05:06,517
-I was in Ratatouille.
-Is that a movie?
139
00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:08,448
It's... It was animated.
140
00:05:08,551 --> 00:05:09,620
I was the voice of a rat.
141
00:05:09,724 --> 00:05:11,931
-I prefer live action.
-Uh...
142
00:05:12,034 --> 00:05:13,344
Do you know John Slattery?
143
00:05:13,448 --> 00:05:15,172
I don't know him personally,
I know of him.
144
00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:17,172
-He seems really cool.
-He is.
145
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:20,068
Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...
146
00:05:20,172 --> 00:05:21,379
[groans]
147
00:05:21,482 --> 00:05:23,448
[coughing, gasping]
148
00:05:23,551 --> 00:05:24,724
Oh...
149
00:05:24,827 --> 00:05:26,965
My apologies, Patton Oswalt.
150
00:05:27,068 --> 00:05:29,068
You are respectful,
unlike Guillermo.
151
00:05:29,172 --> 00:05:30,758
I have been lying
in wait for him
152
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:32,689
on the top of
that building there.
153
00:05:32,793 --> 00:05:33,827
It's only a matter of time
154
00:05:33,931 --> 00:05:35,896
before he returns
to Panera Bread,
155
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,034
like a gazelle
to his watering hole.
156
00:05:38,137 --> 00:05:41,689
And when he does, I will strike.
157
00:05:41,793 --> 00:05:43,551
Are you sure it's
that Panera Bread?
158
00:05:43,655 --> 00:05:45,206
-What do you mean?
-There's a lot of Panera Breads.
159
00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:47,344
They're... They're all
over the city.
160
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:48,482
Shit.
161
00:05:55,517 --> 00:05:57,034
-[knocking]
-Who is it?
-[Colin] Gigi?
162
00:05:57,137 --> 00:05:59,068
-Hello.
-What are you doing here?
163
00:05:59,172 --> 00:06:00,862
-How did you find me?
-Oh, I just...
164
00:06:00,965 --> 00:06:04,103
took a map of Staten Island
and laid it over a grid
165
00:06:04,206 --> 00:06:05,862
and looked for any motel
that shared a square
166
00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:08,344
with an Arby's, a party store
or a sweater shop.
167
00:06:08,448 --> 00:06:10,241
Well, I'm not near
any of those things.
168
00:06:10,344 --> 00:06:12,448
Yeah, I know,
so I just asked Nadja.
169
00:06:12,551 --> 00:06:14,448
Great. What do you want?
170
00:06:14,551 --> 00:06:16,862
First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.
171
00:06:16,965 --> 00:06:19,655
You're a nice enough guy
caught in a bad sitch.
172
00:06:19,758 --> 00:06:22,758
I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.
173
00:06:22,862 --> 00:06:24,310
-[briefcase unlocks]
-Thank you.
174
00:06:24,413 --> 00:06:28,620
Secondly, I am here to conduct
your exit interview,
175
00:06:28,724 --> 00:06:30,758
from your job as a familiar.
176
00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:33,172
And also your life, so...
177
00:06:33,275 --> 00:06:36,758
Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,
178
00:06:36,862 --> 00:06:39,310
I know it's valuable. [chuckles]
179
00:06:39,413 --> 00:06:41,896
Because
there's so little of it left.
180
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,137
-Okay.
-[clicks]
181
00:06:43,241 --> 00:06:46,862
Familiar exit interview,
10:47 p.m.,
182
00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:49,655
Colin Robinson
conducting interview.
183
00:06:49,758 --> 00:06:51,068
Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"
184
00:06:51,172 --> 00:06:54,551
what's prompting you
to leave your job?
185
00:06:54,655 --> 00:06:56,068
Nandor trying to kill me.
186
00:06:56,172 --> 00:06:59,482
And... what was your salary
as a familiar?
187
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,034
Oh, I don't get paid.
188
00:07:01,137 --> 00:07:04,137
[chuckles] No, but honestly,
for this to work,
189
00:07:04,241 --> 00:07:06,379
I kind of need
a ballpark figure.
190
00:07:06,482 --> 00:07:07,827
$500, $550 a week?
191
00:07:07,931 --> 00:07:09,241
-I don't get paid.
-Uh-huh.
192
00:07:09,344 --> 00:07:11,034
And do you think
we can get away with
193
00:07:11,137 --> 00:07:12,965
not paying the next person?
194
00:07:13,068 --> 00:07:15,482
Okay. This interview's over.
195
00:07:15,586 --> 00:07:18,482
Interview concluded by subject
196
00:07:18,586 --> 00:07:22,206
who was cooperative
and at times almost articulate.
197
00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:23,724
-[recorder clicks]
-Okay, thank you.
198
00:07:23,827 --> 00:07:25,758
This is just from me.
199
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,172
It was nice having you
in the house.
200
00:07:28,275 --> 00:07:29,448
Thanks, Colin.
201
00:07:29,551 --> 00:07:33,068
"Jay Sturkel, Quarter Four
Sales Leader, 1977."
202
00:07:33,172 --> 00:07:37,172
I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.
203
00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:40,793
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
204
00:07:41,724 --> 00:07:45,172
I think what bugs me the most
205
00:07:45,275 --> 00:07:47,344
is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.
206
00:07:47,448 --> 00:07:50,310
This is a gift
I do not give to just anyone.
207
00:07:50,413 --> 00:07:54,275
Uh, you know, friendship
has to be... earned.
208
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:55,827
How is your, um...
209
00:07:55,931 --> 00:07:57,344
-Turkey Bacon Bravo.
-Yes.
210
00:07:57,448 --> 00:07:58,758
It is, it's good.
211
00:07:58,862 --> 00:07:59,896
And I usually get
the bread bowls here--
212
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,448
I think what it is
213
00:08:01,551 --> 00:08:05,000
is that I thought Guillermo
hadearned it.
214
00:08:06,379 --> 00:08:09,206
You are a good listener,
Patton Oswalt.
215
00:08:09,310 --> 00:08:11,034
You know, it's funny
because something like this
216
00:08:11,137 --> 00:08:13,344
happened with me a couple years
ago with my manager, we--
217
00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:15,448
-Shh. Just listen.
-Oh... [grunts]
218
00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:17,965
We are not talking
about you right now,
219
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:19,689
are we, Patton Oswalt?
220
00:08:19,793 --> 00:08:21,517
-No, we're not.
-Mm.
221
00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:23,965
-So, go on.
-Thank you.
222
00:08:25,310 --> 00:08:28,448
[knocking]
223
00:08:30,517 --> 00:08:32,034
Who is it?
224
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:33,758
[Laszlo]
Housekeeping.
225
00:08:33,862 --> 00:08:36,137
-I should ask how you
found out where--
-Shh, shh.
226
00:08:36,241 --> 00:08:37,206
What?
227
00:08:38,344 --> 00:08:40,620
I'm guessing you're content
with your...
228
00:08:40,724 --> 00:08:42,413
toilet paper situation?
229
00:08:42,517 --> 00:08:43,862
Yes, thank you.
230
00:08:43,965 --> 00:08:45,620
All right.
231
00:08:45,724 --> 00:08:47,206
Then I will...
232
00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:50,000
leave you to watch
the television for the evening.
233
00:08:50,103 --> 00:08:52,862
And I will say... goodbye.
234
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:54,413
-[quietly] Sit down.
-What's going on?
235
00:08:54,517 --> 00:08:57,586
I must apologize, Gizmo,
I feel like I've let you down.
236
00:08:57,689 --> 00:08:58,931
All those science experiments,
237
00:08:59,034 --> 00:09:00,551
they were nothing
but a blind alley.
238
00:09:00,655 --> 00:09:02,206
Laszlo, you tried your best.
239
00:09:02,310 --> 00:09:04,000
No, there's been something I...
240
00:09:04,103 --> 00:09:05,586
You-you should probably
put something on
241
00:09:05,689 --> 00:09:06,965
that's a bit louder than this.
242
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,000
Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.
243
00:09:09,103 --> 00:09:10,517
-[airplanes whirring]
-That's better.
244
00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:13,862
I've known you since
you were a young familiar.
245
00:09:13,965 --> 00:09:15,689
And I may have been hard
on you in the past,
246
00:09:15,793 --> 00:09:17,862
-and, uh...
-[gunfire on TV]
247
00:09:17,965 --> 00:09:19,275
Could you put something that...
248
00:09:19,379 --> 00:09:21,241
is as loud but less percussive?
249
00:09:21,344 --> 00:09:22,931
-[engines roaring]
-Sport, yes, that's better.
250
00:09:23,034 --> 00:09:24,896
And I say,
does that thing have any...
251
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,310
programs of the adult variety?
252
00:09:28,448 --> 00:09:29,689
Uh, I suppose, yeah.
253
00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:32,206
-[giggling]
-[Laszlo gasps]
-There you go.
254
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,620
[clears throat] You were saying?
255
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:35,724
Sorry?
256
00:09:35,827 --> 00:09:36,965
-You were saying?
-Yes.
257
00:09:37,068 --> 00:09:38,586
I was saying...
258
00:09:38,689 --> 00:09:41,103
I've known you since you were...
259
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,000
-a young fa...
-[moaning on TV]
260
00:09:43,103 --> 00:09:44,724
What do you think
they're gonna do?
261
00:09:44,827 --> 00:09:46,103
-Yeah, Laszlo--
-Yes, yes,
262
00:09:46,206 --> 00:09:48,931
s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.
263
00:09:49,034 --> 00:09:51,448
And, uh, I'm about
to tell you something now
264
00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:53,379
that I've never told
anyone else before.
265
00:09:53,482 --> 00:09:55,103
[moaning on TV]
266
00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:57,172
-L-Laszlo?
-Good grief.
267
00:09:57,275 --> 00:09:58,758
You were going
to tell me something
268
00:09:58,862 --> 00:10:00,965
-you never told
anyone before...?
-Shh. [laughs]
269
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,448
You might have
to give me a minute.
270
00:10:02,551 --> 00:10:04,448
[Guillermo]
So, yeah, even Laszlo came by.
271
00:10:04,551 --> 00:10:06,000
If I would've known how...
272
00:10:06,103 --> 00:10:07,655
my last couple of days
would play out,
273
00:10:07,758 --> 00:10:09,172
how the last couple of months...
274
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,862
I would've never asked
Derek to turn me.
275
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:12,586
It's not that
I don't want to die,
276
00:10:12,689 --> 00:10:14,448
and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,
277
00:10:14,551 --> 00:10:18,275
but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.
278
00:10:18,379 --> 00:10:19,551
My friends.
279
00:10:19,655 --> 00:10:21,310
I always figured if I got
turned into a vampire
280
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:24,068
that it would...
bring me closer to them.
281
00:10:24,172 --> 00:10:27,275
But it's just left me
feeling more alone than ever.
282
00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:30,551
Nandor, can I ask you
a question?
283
00:10:30,655 --> 00:10:32,172
Yes, Patton Oswalt.
284
00:10:32,275 --> 00:10:35,758
Your friendship with Guillermo
is very special, right?
285
00:10:35,862 --> 00:10:38,206
I thought it was.
286
00:10:38,310 --> 00:10:40,689
And I bet...
287
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:43,379
killing a friend...
288
00:10:43,482 --> 00:10:44,620
would really hurt.
289
00:10:44,724 --> 00:10:47,000
I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelings
290
00:10:47,103 --> 00:10:48,758
a person could have.
291
00:10:48,862 --> 00:10:51,068
So, what if you...
292
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:53,034
repair the friendship?
293
00:10:53,137 --> 00:10:54,793
-You repair it--
-So you're saying
294
00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:57,586
that I should not kill
my former friend?
295
00:10:57,689 --> 00:11:00,068
-Uh, yes, you-you--
-This is your suggestion?
296
00:11:00,172 --> 00:11:01,551
Well, you know, you rebuild--
297
00:11:01,655 --> 00:11:04,172
After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?
298
00:11:04,275 --> 00:11:07,862
All that betray me
must be destroyed.
299
00:11:07,965 --> 00:11:09,862
-Wait, wait--
-Goodbye, Patton Oswalt.
300
00:11:09,965 --> 00:11:11,896
[screaming]
301
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,241
[body thudding, crashing]
302
00:11:13,344 --> 00:11:14,517
-[loud thud]
-[sighs]
303
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:17,103
He does make
a good point, though.
304
00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:26,827
-[on video] ...arm,
and a block of--
-[knocking loudly]
305
00:11:27,689 --> 00:11:29,034
Of course.
306
00:11:29,137 --> 00:11:33,241
Hi. I just came by
to pay you my condolences.
307
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:36,655
"Sorry for your loss
of your life."
308
00:11:36,758 --> 00:11:39,206
Is there anyone who doesn't
know that I'm here?
309
00:11:39,310 --> 00:11:41,793
Well, I'm usually the last one
to know, so probably not.
310
00:11:41,896 --> 00:11:43,103
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
311
00:11:43,206 --> 00:11:44,758
And then I also brought
some friends
312
00:11:44,862 --> 00:11:46,379
who wanted to say goodbye.
313
00:11:46,482 --> 00:11:48,000
Hiya, Daddy.
314
00:11:48,103 --> 00:11:50,034
-Hey.
-Guide lady said
you're going off
315
00:11:50,137 --> 00:11:51,172
-to a big, beautiful...
-Hey, big guy.
316
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:53,172
...farm in the sky.
317
00:11:53,275 --> 00:11:55,000
-Can we come?
-[Guillermo] Oh...
318
00:11:55,103 --> 00:11:56,413
-No, buddy.
-Aw.
319
00:11:56,517 --> 00:12:00,758
-There's no room at the farm.
-[sniffling]
320
00:12:00,862 --> 00:12:02,379
"In the death of a good man,
321
00:12:02,482 --> 00:12:04,689
eternity is seen looking
through time."
322
00:12:04,793 --> 00:12:06,517
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
323
00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:08,896
-[sobbing]
-Okay.
324
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,620
-So-- Oh.
-[phone buzzing]
325
00:12:10,724 --> 00:12:11,724
Sorry.
326
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,379
Hola, Ma.
327
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,344
[Nandor]
Hello, Guillermo.
328
00:12:15,448 --> 00:12:17,551
I've been looking for you.
329
00:12:17,655 --> 00:12:19,241
Where are you?
330
00:12:19,344 --> 00:12:22,379
Oh, I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.
331
00:12:22,482 --> 00:12:25,137
In her apartment.
Where she lives.
332
00:12:25,241 --> 00:12:26,689
My mother has nothing
to do with this.
333
00:12:26,793 --> 00:12:28,448
If you touch her, I swear...
334
00:12:29,827 --> 00:12:31,344
[Silvia speaking Spanish]
335
00:12:31,448 --> 00:12:33,241
Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over here
336
00:12:33,344 --> 00:12:35,034
and we can discuss
what happens next.
337
00:12:35,137 --> 00:12:36,172
[phone beeps]
338
00:12:36,275 --> 00:12:37,896
-I have to go.
-Bye, Daddy.
339
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,517
Have you checked out already?
Or is it okay if we hang here?
340
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,517
[Dog Guillermo]
He's not coming back.
341
00:12:43,275 --> 00:12:45,103
-Ah, come on, you stupid...
-[dings]
342
00:12:48,103 --> 00:12:50,172
-Get away from her.
-Guillermo.
343
00:12:50,275 --> 00:12:53,000
[speaking Spanish]
344
00:12:54,586 --> 00:12:55,551
I'll be back, okay?
345
00:12:55,655 --> 00:12:56,620
¿Cómo está, mijo?
346
00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:58,586
-Hey, Mami.
-Mwah.
347
00:12:58,689 --> 00:13:00,310
Don't be long, Sylvia.
348
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,137
Still want to see
the photographs of Guillermo
349
00:13:02,241 --> 00:13:04,137
in this goticophase.
350
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,379
You can kill me if you want,
351
00:13:05,482 --> 00:13:06,689
but you leave her
out of this, okay?
352
00:13:06,793 --> 00:13:08,137
Oh, I know I could kill you.
353
00:13:08,241 --> 00:13:10,034
And you'd deserve it.
354
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:13,344
[Guillermo panting]
355
00:13:15,310 --> 00:13:18,172
But I have decided not to.
356
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:19,689
Yeah, well, I don't believe you.
357
00:13:19,793 --> 00:13:22,034
No, of course you don't.
358
00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:25,068
But something happened
recently and...
359
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,862
it's made me change my mind.
360
00:13:26,965 --> 00:13:30,206
-Oh, yeah? What?
-My friend Patton Oswalt.
361
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:33,206
He passed away quite suddenly.
And, um...
362
00:13:33,310 --> 00:13:36,517
it didn't feel good
losing a friend.
363
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:38,551
How do I know
you're telling the truth?
364
00:13:38,655 --> 00:13:40,344
Because I give you
my word as a vampire.
365
00:13:40,448 --> 00:13:44,482
-[scoffs] Not good enough.
-Then I give you my word...
366
00:13:44,586 --> 00:13:45,862
as a warrior.
367
00:13:45,965 --> 00:13:48,482
-[hisses]
-[grunts]
368
00:13:49,655 --> 00:13:51,758
[speaking Persian]
369
00:13:52,758 --> 00:13:55,034
Translation:
370
00:13:55,137 --> 00:13:57,103
"If I'm lying...
371
00:13:58,482 --> 00:14:00,448
...then kill me now."
372
00:14:10,137 --> 00:14:11,206
Then it is settled.
373
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:13,379
You'll come home with me, alive.
374
00:14:13,482 --> 00:14:14,517
Mami, no!
375
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:17,000
[speaks Spanish]
376
00:14:17,103 --> 00:14:18,172
Wow, that worked.
377
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,793
-Mm?
-Hmm?
378
00:14:19,896 --> 00:14:21,344
[owl hoots]
379
00:14:21,448 --> 00:14:22,655
We return with news.
380
00:14:22,758 --> 00:14:25,379
I no longer plan
to kill Guillermo.
381
00:14:25,482 --> 00:14:26,724
-Yay.
-[Nadja] Yay.
382
00:14:26,827 --> 00:14:28,275
He will live here
in this house, with us,
383
00:14:28,379 --> 00:14:30,068
-as an equal.
-[Laszlo laughs]
384
00:14:30,172 --> 00:14:31,586
As a vampire.
385
00:14:31,689 --> 00:14:34,827
-Boo.
-Where once we were four,
we are now five.
386
00:14:34,931 --> 00:14:36,241
I think your math is off.
387
00:14:36,344 --> 00:14:38,275
If I had known Gizmo was
going to stay with us,
388
00:14:38,379 --> 00:14:40,448
I would've said just kill him
and be done with it.
389
00:14:40,551 --> 00:14:42,103
[Colin]
Where is he going to sit?
390
00:14:42,206 --> 00:14:43,931
I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?
391
00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:47,517
Hold on a second. Gizmo cannot
fully become a vampire
392
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:49,344
due to his Van Helsing blood.
393
00:14:49,448 --> 00:14:50,758
[Nandor]
Laszlo, Laszlo,
394
00:14:50,862 --> 00:14:53,137
with all your experiments
and your notetaking,
395
00:14:53,241 --> 00:14:55,413
and your weird-ass,
hybrid freaks,
396
00:14:55,517 --> 00:14:57,758
you never thought of
the simplest solution.
397
00:14:57,862 --> 00:15:01,448
-Which is?
-You never got Guillermo
to drink human blood.
398
00:15:01,551 --> 00:15:06,068
-Wait. Y-You never
thought of that?
-Shut up.
399
00:15:07,275 --> 00:15:09,379
-I don't think I can do this.
-You must.
400
00:15:09,482 --> 00:15:10,793
Or else you'll be
eternally frozen
401
00:15:10,896 --> 00:15:13,551
in this painful, unending limbo.
Now drink.
402
00:15:14,793 --> 00:15:15,965
Come on, Guillermo.
403
00:15:16,068 --> 00:15:17,758
-Drink, bitch.
-[Colin] Yeah, drink it, bitch.
404
00:15:17,862 --> 00:15:19,724
-[Laszlo] Yes.
-Drink it.
-[Nadja] Swallow it all.
405
00:15:19,827 --> 00:15:21,379
-Drink. Drink.
-[Nadja] Suck on it, baby.
Come on, drink!
406
00:15:21,482 --> 00:15:23,103
-Swallow it.
-Drink. Drink.
-Oi, drink.
407
00:15:23,206 --> 00:15:24,586
-Drink. Drink.
-[Nadja] Drink it.
Take it like a man.
408
00:15:26,137 --> 00:15:27,275
[gasps]
409
00:15:27,379 --> 00:15:28,931
[Laszlo]
Fangs.
410
00:15:29,034 --> 00:15:31,413
-[laughs]
-Wow
-Ah.
411
00:15:31,517 --> 00:15:33,034
I've never felt more alive.
412
00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:34,931
I really should've
thought of that.
413
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,068
I'm a vampire. [laughs]
414
00:15:36,172 --> 00:15:37,379
I'm a vampire!
415
00:15:37,482 --> 00:15:40,862
-I'm a vampire!
-[Laszlo] Yahoo.
416
00:15:40,965 --> 00:15:41,931
Yep.
417
00:15:42,034 --> 00:15:43,620
-Nicely done.
-[laughs]
418
00:15:43,724 --> 00:15:46,586
[whooshing]
419
00:15:46,689 --> 00:15:49,827
-One sip of blood and he's
like Cornholio over here.
-[Laszlo laughs]
420
00:15:49,931 --> 00:15:51,103
Yes.
421
00:15:51,206 --> 00:15:52,275
-[Laszlo] He likes that.
422
00:15:52,379 --> 00:15:53,965
-[glass shatters]
-[Nadja] Ooh.
423
00:15:54,068 --> 00:15:56,931
Behold what I've become.
424
00:15:57,034 --> 00:15:58,827
Yes, yes, we've all been there.
425
00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:00,620
Why are we all
sitting on our asses?
426
00:16:00,724 --> 00:16:02,655
Let's do something!
What do we do next?
427
00:16:02,758 --> 00:16:03,689
Get a broom.
428
00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:05,275
Now, we hunt!
429
00:16:05,379 --> 00:16:08,275
-[cheering]
-[Nadja] I'm sorry,
Mommy needs to eat.
430
00:16:08,379 --> 00:16:10,000
-[Nandor] Hunt, hunt, hunt!
-[sighs]
431
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:11,172
Hunt, hunt!
432
00:16:11,275 --> 00:16:13,206
FOMO.
433
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:18,137
[Colin speaking quietly]
434
00:16:18,241 --> 00:16:19,551
Which reminds me,
435
00:16:19,655 --> 00:16:22,379
what's the fastest way
to become a millionaire?
436
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,172
You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.
437
00:16:26,275 --> 00:16:28,793
[chuckles] Just a little
wine humor for you.
438
00:16:28,896 --> 00:16:30,137
Oh. [belches]
439
00:16:30,241 --> 00:16:31,379
[Colin] Sommeliers are
a dying breed...
440
00:16:31,482 --> 00:16:34,000
Oh. I've eaten too much.
I feel sick.
441
00:16:34,103 --> 00:16:35,448
Go on, Guillermo.
442
00:16:35,551 --> 00:16:38,482
I bonked this one on the head
just for you.
443
00:16:38,586 --> 00:16:40,137
They're much easier
to drain and kill
444
00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:41,724
when they're not
wriggling around.
445
00:16:41,827 --> 00:16:43,793
Oh, no, I-I'm actually
not that hungry.
446
00:16:43,896 --> 00:16:46,551
Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too long
447
00:16:46,655 --> 00:16:50,482
when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.
448
00:16:50,586 --> 00:16:52,620
[growling, slurping]
449
00:16:52,724 --> 00:16:54,896
[Guillermo]
I've never killed anyone before.
450
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,896
I mean, I guess dozens
of vampires.
451
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,517
And I did bring humans
452
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,344
to the vampires
so they could kill them.
453
00:17:01,448 --> 00:17:02,551
And I've dismembered,
454
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,241
like, a ton of dead bodies.
455
00:17:04,344 --> 00:17:07,000
But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.
456
00:17:07,103 --> 00:17:09,241
And when I leaned in to take...
457
00:17:09,344 --> 00:17:10,241
I could...
458
00:17:10,344 --> 00:17:12,931
smell their shampoo
459
00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:14,862
and all I kept thinking was
460
00:17:14,965 --> 00:17:16,275
this guy was at CVS
461
00:17:16,379 --> 00:17:18,206
just sniffing away
all these shampoos
462
00:17:18,310 --> 00:17:19,965
and says, "Eh, I think
I'll get this one
463
00:17:20,068 --> 00:17:22,275
because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."
464
00:17:22,379 --> 00:17:23,758
[whimpers]
465
00:17:23,862 --> 00:17:25,620
I can't do this, I'm sorry.
Could we...
466
00:17:25,724 --> 00:17:28,275
-I can't--
-[audio cuts out]
467
00:17:30,965 --> 00:17:33,172
[door closes]
468
00:17:33,275 --> 00:17:35,482
[approaching footsteps]
469
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,586
Just as I feared.
470
00:17:43,724 --> 00:17:47,482
Guillermo is not cut out
to be a vampire.
471
00:17:48,379 --> 00:17:50,931
I will fix.
472
00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:55,862
[whooshes]
473
00:17:55,965 --> 00:17:57,068
You summoned me?
474
00:17:57,172 --> 00:17:58,931
Yes, I wish for Guillermo--
475
00:17:59,034 --> 00:18:01,689
Eh, eh, you ran out
of wishes a long time ago.
476
00:18:01,793 --> 00:18:03,310
Have you just been
carrying me around?
477
00:18:03,413 --> 00:18:05,034
Maybe.
478
00:18:05,137 --> 00:18:06,448
-Yeah.
-[groans]
479
00:18:06,551 --> 00:18:07,758
Okay, well...
480
00:18:07,862 --> 00:18:10,275
Nice to see you again.
You can, uh...
481
00:18:10,379 --> 00:18:11,793
Can't I stretch
my legs a little?
482
00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,896
I wish I could help you,
but, uh...
483
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,344
-That's very funny.
-Get in the fucking lamp.
484
00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:26,344
I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for...
485
00:18:26,448 --> 00:18:28,482
Wait, what was the ceremony
called again?
486
00:18:28,586 --> 00:18:31,310
The Ceremony
of Vampiric Transmogrification.
487
00:18:31,413 --> 00:18:32,413
-Oh.
-Don't be nervous,
488
00:18:32,517 --> 00:18:33,862
we have all been through it.
489
00:18:33,965 --> 00:18:36,000
Well, is it scary?
490
00:18:36,103 --> 00:18:37,827
Nothing you cannot handle.
491
00:18:37,931 --> 00:18:40,482
The ancient ceremony will help
hasten you along your path.
492
00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:43,758
[ominous music playing]
493
00:18:43,862 --> 00:18:45,034
It is time.
494
00:18:45,137 --> 00:18:46,689
Are you ready?
495
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,586
I am.
496
00:18:51,103 --> 00:18:52,620
♪
497
00:18:52,724 --> 00:18:54,103
Hey.
498
00:18:54,206 --> 00:18:55,793
Derek is here, too?
499
00:18:55,896 --> 00:18:57,931
Yes. Fucking guy.
500
00:18:58,034 --> 00:19:01,172
But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.
501
00:19:01,275 --> 00:19:03,827
-Come on.
-[Guillermo] Hey, everyone.
502
00:19:03,931 --> 00:19:05,413
Hello.
503
00:19:05,517 --> 00:19:06,793
-Derek.
-Hey.
504
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,068
[music shuts off]
505
00:19:08,172 --> 00:19:09,827
-[Nandor clears throat]
-[stomps, bell tolls]
506
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:13,482
Vampires all, gather we here
in the dark of night?
507
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:14,758
[vampires]
We do.
508
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,172
We have made of ourselves
a circle?
509
00:19:17,275 --> 00:19:19,000
-The circle--
-The circle unbroken.
-Unbroken.
510
00:19:19,103 --> 00:19:21,827
[Nandor]
We gather here
in a circle unbroken
511
00:19:21,931 --> 00:19:24,344
at the crossroads
between life and death.
512
00:19:24,448 --> 00:19:28,103
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you prepared?
513
00:19:28,206 --> 00:19:29,551
I am.
514
00:19:29,655 --> 00:19:32,379
Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mind
515
00:19:32,482 --> 00:19:34,000
and strong of body?
516
00:19:34,103 --> 00:19:35,310
I am.
517
00:19:35,413 --> 00:19:36,620
A choice will be made.
518
00:19:36,724 --> 00:19:38,896
This choice can only
be made by you.
519
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,000
We vampires here
are only witnesses.
520
00:19:42,103 --> 00:19:45,275
Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.
521
00:19:45,379 --> 00:19:47,000
[clears throat] That's me.
522
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:49,620
Nicely done.
523
00:19:49,724 --> 00:19:53,620
Guillermo de la Cruz,
I will now ask you one question.
524
00:19:53,724 --> 00:19:56,517
The answer must come
from your heart.
525
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,448
For this is the last time
526
00:19:58,551 --> 00:20:00,482
you get to make
this final choice.
527
00:20:00,586 --> 00:20:02,586
-Do I make myself clear?
-Mm-hmm.
528
00:20:02,689 --> 00:20:06,793
The question is:
Would you rather be a human...
529
00:20:08,379 --> 00:20:10,310
...or vampire?
530
00:20:18,827 --> 00:20:20,413
A human.
531
00:20:24,103 --> 00:20:25,448
As I predicted.
532
00:20:25,551 --> 00:20:26,724
It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,
533
00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:28,206
-I really, really do.
-Sure.
534
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,620
It's all the killing.
535
00:20:29,724 --> 00:20:31,103
You can spare us the details,
it's fine.
536
00:20:31,206 --> 00:20:33,482
You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.
537
00:20:33,586 --> 00:20:34,896
-We're gonna make it happen.
-Wait, what?
538
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,724
Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.
539
00:20:38,827 --> 00:20:39,965
That's me again.
540
00:20:40,068 --> 00:20:43,275
-You're doing a great job.
-Thank you, Derek.
541
00:20:43,379 --> 00:20:44,931
-Can I get a smaller--
-They're unisex.
542
00:20:45,034 --> 00:20:46,862
-It's a one size fits all
situation? Okay.
-Yep. Mm-hmm.
543
00:20:46,965 --> 00:20:48,448
Do I get a hood, or...
544
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:49,620
-[Nandor] Hurry it up.
-[Baron] I have one
for you, too.
545
00:20:49,724 --> 00:20:51,103
[Sire]
Thank you.
546
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:54,551
We blind ourselves
that none may witness.
547
00:20:54,655 --> 00:20:56,379
Hoods on, everyone.
548
00:20:56,482 --> 00:20:58,965
♪ We blind ourselves♪
549
00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:04,482
[together]
♪ That none may see.♪
550
00:21:04,586 --> 00:21:07,206
[Nandor] Very nice.
Proceed to position two.
551
00:21:07,310 --> 00:21:08,724
[bell tolling]
552
00:21:08,827 --> 00:21:10,034
[Derek]
I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?
553
00:21:10,137 --> 00:21:11,689
Just as you are, Derek,
that's fine.
554
00:21:11,793 --> 00:21:14,448
-Wait, what?
-It is the only way, Guillermo.
555
00:21:14,551 --> 00:21:16,275
-W-Won't I die, too?
-No.
556
00:21:16,379 --> 00:21:18,724
You'll go back to how you were
when you were turned.
557
00:21:18,827 --> 00:21:21,310
You'll just get a month older
really quickly.
558
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:22,896
There's got to be another way.
559
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,620
There's no other way.
560
00:21:24,724 --> 00:21:27,034
It is the only way.
561
00:21:43,034 --> 00:21:44,482
[exhales]
562
00:21:47,413 --> 00:21:48,965
-I can't do this.
-[coughs] Knew it.
563
00:21:49,068 --> 00:21:50,896
[Derek]
I'm sorry, can't do what?
What am I missing?
564
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,172
[Nandor]
Just keep that hood on, Derek.
You're doing great.
565
00:21:52,275 --> 00:21:53,172
[Derek]
Thank you.
566
00:21:53,275 --> 00:21:55,379
You want me to do it?
567
00:21:56,931 --> 00:21:59,241
-I don't know.
-I do.
568
00:21:59,344 --> 00:22:00,896
Give me that.
569
00:22:02,275 --> 00:22:04,620
[Derek grunts]
570
00:22:04,724 --> 00:22:07,758
[Nandor]
Guillermo, you okay?
571
00:22:07,862 --> 00:22:09,517
-[Colin] Whoa!
[Laszlo] Um...
-[Nandor] Oh, shit.
572
00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:11,344
[Guillermo]
Everything's kind of blurry.
573
00:22:11,448 --> 00:22:13,137
I think I need my old glasses.
574
00:22:14,551 --> 00:22:16,379
-Here.
-Thank you.
575
00:22:16,482 --> 00:22:17,862
Well, that was fun.
576
00:22:17,965 --> 00:22:19,482
Can we turn the regular lights
on now, please?
577
00:22:19,586 --> 00:22:21,931
Oh, sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all these
578
00:22:22,034 --> 00:22:23,896
hoods and robes?
579
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,827
Eh, just leave them.
Garfield will pick 'em up later.
580
00:22:25,931 --> 00:22:29,206
I must say, the, uh,
the banners are a lovely touch.
581
00:22:29,310 --> 00:22:30,448
You know, I like them, too.
582
00:22:30,551 --> 00:22:31,724
What do they mean?
583
00:22:31,827 --> 00:22:33,310
I don't know,
to be honest, Baron.
584
00:22:33,413 --> 00:22:36,000
I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.
585
00:22:36,103 --> 00:22:37,344
Very nice, yes.
586
00:22:37,448 --> 00:22:39,034
[speaking vampiric language]
587
00:22:39,137 --> 00:22:41,172
We have a sitter waiting at
home, so we're gonna head out.
588
00:22:41,275 --> 00:22:42,965
-Good evening.
-Kalinychta.
-[Guide] Bye.
589
00:22:43,068 --> 00:22:45,448
[Nandor] Anyone up for
a game of parcheesi?
590
00:22:45,551 --> 00:22:46,931
[Nadja] Maybe a movie.
591
00:22:47,034 --> 00:22:48,379
-I'm zonked.
-[Colin] The Brothers McMullin?
592
00:22:48,482 --> 00:22:49,862
That wasn't even
a real ceremony, was it?
593
00:22:49,965 --> 00:22:51,275
No.
594
00:22:51,379 --> 00:22:54,551
I found the robes in a box
in the attic and, uh...
595
00:22:54,655 --> 00:22:57,172
the candles I think we got
from a Home Depot?
596
00:22:59,655 --> 00:23:01,517
I'm sorry, Guillermo.
597
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:02,793
It was the only way
for you to figure out
598
00:23:02,896 --> 00:23:04,655
what you actually wanted.
599
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:07,413
It was a horrible
and hard decision.
600
00:23:07,517 --> 00:23:09,206
I think you made
the right choice.
601
00:23:10,586 --> 00:23:12,103
I know.
602
00:23:12,206 --> 00:23:14,000
Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpse
603
00:23:14,103 --> 00:23:17,000
before sunrise,
that would be great.
604
00:23:26,793 --> 00:23:29,689
It's all right,
I'll give you a hand.
605
00:23:29,793 --> 00:23:31,551
Thanks, Laszlo.
606
00:23:32,586 --> 00:23:35,517
♪
607
00:23:38,275 --> 00:23:40,586
-You take the bag,
I'll take Derek.
-Okay.
608
00:23:40,689 --> 00:23:42,655
Come on, old chap.
You better get the door.
609
00:23:42,758 --> 00:23:44,000
[Guillermo]
Mr. Necromancer?
610
00:23:44,103 --> 00:23:45,689
[knocking]
611
00:23:46,896 --> 00:23:49,206
And you have the necessary
items required
612
00:23:49,310 --> 00:23:50,689
for the procedure to succeed?
613
00:23:50,793 --> 00:23:52,586
He means the cash.
614
00:23:52,689 --> 00:23:54,379
[Guillermo]
Yeah, it was almost all
the money I gave Derek
615
00:23:54,482 --> 00:23:56,103
to turn me into a vampire.
616
00:23:56,206 --> 00:23:59,275
He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"
617
00:23:59,379 --> 00:24:01,379
that he got from Hot Topic.
618
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:04,551
You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.
619
00:24:04,655 --> 00:24:05,896
I should trust you
620
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:07,689
when you when you show me
no respect for me
621
00:24:07,793 --> 00:24:09,758
or my beguiling powers?
622
00:24:09,862 --> 00:24:11,172
Respect? For a fraud?
623
00:24:11,275 --> 00:24:13,344
But you've seen
my methods succeed.
624
00:24:13,448 --> 00:24:16,068
I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.
625
00:24:16,172 --> 00:24:18,000
Okay, okay.
Boys, why don't we focus?
626
00:24:18,103 --> 00:24:20,551
[chanting]
627
00:24:22,551 --> 00:24:25,068
He's doing his scatting shit.
628
00:24:25,172 --> 00:24:27,931
-[chanting]
-[bell tolls]
629
00:24:28,034 --> 00:24:31,827
-[thunder crashing]
-[manic chanting]
630
00:24:35,241 --> 00:24:37,620
Yah! [spits]
631
00:24:37,724 --> 00:24:39,517
Get in, you dirty bastard!
632
00:24:39,620 --> 00:24:41,310
[gasps]
633
00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:42,517
[gurgling]
634
00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:43,862
Derek...
635
00:24:43,965 --> 00:24:45,793
[gasping]
636
00:24:45,896 --> 00:24:48,206
[raspy]
What's up, dude?
637
00:24:48,310 --> 00:24:50,068
All right. Begone with ya.
638
00:24:50,172 --> 00:24:51,448
He's all yours.
639
00:24:51,551 --> 00:24:53,896
But, uh, if you're worried
about taking care of him,
640
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,482
we do have a new offer.
641
00:24:55,586 --> 00:24:56,827
Of course you do.
642
00:24:56,931 --> 00:24:58,344
-For a nominal fee...
-Here he goes.
643
00:24:58,448 --> 00:24:59,689
...a rehousing option.
644
00:24:59,793 --> 00:25:01,172
-[whistles] Topher!
-No.
645
00:25:01,275 --> 00:25:02,724
[snarling]
646
00:25:02,827 --> 00:25:03,931
[Laszlo]
What the fuck?
647
00:25:04,034 --> 00:25:07,448
[guttural]
Who calls... Topher?
648
00:25:07,551 --> 00:25:08,862
What's this "Thriller" shit?
649
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:11,689
-[gasping]
-[screaming]
650
00:25:11,793 --> 00:25:13,068
[normal voice]
JK.
651
00:25:13,172 --> 00:25:14,448
-[laughter]
-[Laszlo] Oh, it's that guy.
652
00:25:14,551 --> 00:25:16,689
-Topher!
-Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?
653
00:25:16,793 --> 00:25:18,137
How you doing, Guillermo?
654
00:25:18,241 --> 00:25:20,000
[Guillermo]
Topher, you look, uh...
655
00:25:20,103 --> 00:25:21,724
-You look like shit.
-Well, I'm au naturel,babe.
656
00:25:21,827 --> 00:25:23,448
I've had some work done.
657
00:25:23,551 --> 00:25:24,793
You know, I'm still undead,
658
00:25:24,896 --> 00:25:26,517
but I'm making
the most of it, man.
659
00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:28,172
Once you get used
to the zombie body,
660
00:25:28,275 --> 00:25:30,551
you can actually learn
to talk normal again.
661
00:25:30,655 --> 00:25:32,379
Like this. Pretty cool, huh?
662
00:25:32,482 --> 00:25:34,344
-He just does the accent
for the tourists.
-Eh, you know.
663
00:25:34,448 --> 00:25:35,862
Take 'em for an arm and a leg.
664
00:25:35,965 --> 00:25:37,655
-[laughter]
-Yeah, man.
665
00:25:37,758 --> 00:25:38,931
Who we got here?
666
00:25:39,034 --> 00:25:41,344
-Der. Ek.
-[Topher] Oh, hey, look at that.
667
00:25:41,448 --> 00:25:42,862
Yeah, he's trying.
668
00:25:42,965 --> 00:25:44,241
It's gonna take him
a couple months
669
00:25:44,344 --> 00:25:45,862
to learn how to use
the ol' mouth again.
670
00:25:45,965 --> 00:25:47,896
But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.
671
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,344
Hey, Derek. How would you
like to join a gang
672
00:25:50,448 --> 00:25:52,689
of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?
673
00:25:52,793 --> 00:25:54,413
There's always room
for a new friend.
674
00:25:54,517 --> 00:25:56,793
-Friend?
-Yeah. Friend!
675
00:25:56,896 --> 00:25:58,517
High five! [laughs]
676
00:25:58,620 --> 00:26:00,344
Oh, yeah, takes a second.
677
00:26:00,448 --> 00:26:01,689
-Come on, buddy.
-Whoa!
678
00:26:01,793 --> 00:26:03,620
-Easy, Derek.
-[laughs]
679
00:26:03,724 --> 00:26:07,034
Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!
680
00:26:07,137 --> 00:26:08,758
-[zombies cheering]
-[laughter]
681
00:26:08,862 --> 00:26:10,517
Hey, you like eating
human flesh?
682
00:26:10,620 --> 00:26:12,827
-[growls]
-Oh, you will.
683
00:26:12,931 --> 00:26:14,275
Very... cool.
684
00:26:14,379 --> 00:26:16,827
-Bye, Derek.
-[Laszlo] Bye, Derek.
685
00:26:16,931 --> 00:26:19,103
["Infidel Zombie"
by The Dickies playing]
686
00:26:22,413 --> 00:26:24,241
♪ Well, I've been running
for a while♪
687
00:26:24,344 --> 00:26:28,413
♪ And I know that
the I'm next in line...♪
688
00:26:28,517 --> 00:26:29,862
Do you take Venmo?
689
00:26:29,965 --> 00:26:33,206
Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin.
690
00:26:33,310 --> 00:26:34,241
Or Zelle.
691
00:26:34,344 --> 00:26:36,862
♪ She's an infidel zombie♪
692
00:26:36,965 --> 00:26:39,620
♪ And she gets depressed
with duress♪
693
00:26:39,724 --> 00:26:41,620
♪ A love that cannot find me♪
694
00:26:41,724 --> 00:26:44,068
♪ She's an infidel zombie♪
695
00:26:44,172 --> 00:26:46,724
♪ And she gets depressed
with duress♪
696
00:26:46,827 --> 00:26:48,724
♪ A love that cannot find me♪
697
00:26:48,827 --> 00:26:51,206
♪ She's an infidel zombie♪
698
00:26:51,310 --> 00:26:53,655
♪ Let me tell you,
I don't believe it♪
699
00:26:53,758 --> 00:26:56,517
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now♪
700
00:26:56,620 --> 00:26:58,103
♪ I don't believe it♪
701
00:26:58,206 --> 00:26:59,379
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it♪
702
00:26:59,482 --> 00:27:01,275
♪ I said I don't believe it♪
703
00:27:01,379 --> 00:27:04,379
♪ There's a bullet
with my name on it now.♪
704
00:27:04,482 --> 00:27:06,896
♪ ♪
705
00:27:19,827 --> 00:27:22,034
Captioned by
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