All language subtitles for How.To.with.John.Wilson.S02.E01.1080p.WEB.h264-KOGi

(whimsical theme playing)

John Wilson:
Hey, New York.

As we get older, we try
to hit certain milestones

to feel like we're making
progress in life.

Like, adopting your first pet;

finally getting your own place;

or starting an exciting
new career.

These things
make us feel stable

and help us forget
that the Grim Reaper is...

al-- just always
one step behind us.

But unfortunately,
this stability

is sometimes
only an illusion.

Because one day,

when you're just hanging
out in your apartment,

your landlord calls you
to come downstairs
to have a talk.

It sounds pretty serious,
and your mind

naturally goes to
the worst possible place.

But, nothing could've
prepared you

for what you are
about to hear.

She tells you that
she's selling the building

and moving to Las Vegas
by the end of the month.

♪ ♪

It really takes
you by surprise,

but looking back,
you could see

that there had been
signs everywhere,

and you-you-you just
hadn't noticed them.

You go through
a whirlwind of emotions.

Shock,

rage,

sadness,

panic,

and finally acceptance.

But just as you are
getting ready to move out,

something happens that
you never even considered.

She actually offers to sell
you the house if you want it

for a price that's
below market value.

It seems like
the deal of a lifetime,

but you don't know
if you can
actu-actually afford it.

The thought of
purchasing property

had never even
crossed your mind,

and the idea just
sounds kind of terrifying.

You ask her to give you
a few days to think it over

because you're not sure you're
ready for something like this.

But instead of letting
an opportunity

slip through your fingers,

might as well
finally figure out

if it's a good idea
to invest in real estate.

Most people would
jump at the opportunity

to own property in New York,

but when you look back,
you realize

you've actually structured
your whole life

around avoiding
commitments like this.

Before you found
your current place,

you lived month-to-month

in an illegally
converted warehouse

with a bunch of
your good friends.

♪ ♪

A lot of the rooms
didn't have windows,

so when it got really hot,

you had to make your
own air conditioners

out of ice jugs
and a, and a fan

in a Styrofoam box.

There were also rats that
lived in your garbage,

and a vicious possum
in the backyard.

They even shot a TV show
on your block once

where they used your
street as a stand-in

for war-torn Syria

with very little set dressing.

(Middle Eastern music)

(helicopter whirring)

Hostiles on rooftop
up the street.

(gunfire, shouting)

(rocket firing, explodes)

Oh my god.

Wilson:
Because you, you were
living there illegally,

you were always expecting
to get kicked out.

But, somehow,
that day never came,

and you ended up staying
there for over seven years.

♪ ♪

You really liked feeling
untethered to any sense

of responsibility
to the property,

but you knew that you would
have to escape one day.

Eventually.

You originally found
this place on Craigslist

a couple years ago.

The pictures looked nice,

but you could tell it
was the real deal from

the alternating capital letters
in the subject heading.

Your landlord is asking you for
$900,000 for the whole place,

which is way more than
you actually have.

That means you're gonna
have to borrow the money

from somewhere else,

and you guess most people
just get it from a bank.

♪ ♪

But a mortgage seems like
an extremely heavy burden

for someone who's
afraid of commitment.

It can take as long as
30 years to pay off,

and you've never planned that
far ahead for anything before.

And it's hard to tell if
you'll regret your decision

once it's too late
to change your mind.

You're also terrified
of getting ripped off,

and, and for good reason.

You recently went to buy a car
from someone off Craigslist,

and it looked like a great deal

with surprisingly low
mileage for its age.

The seller seemed
a little nervous,

but you didn't think anything
of it at the time. So,

you signed the papers
and handed over the money.

And he even helped you to
put on the license plate,

which was nice.

But when you got home
and started going through

all the junk that
he left in the back,

you found a second odometer,

and it had a lot
more miles on it

than the one behind
the steering wheel.

When you brought the car
to a mechanic for a checkup,

he took one look at
the odometer in the trunk,

and told you it was probably
swapped out to fool you.

It seemed like the car
wasn't lightly used,

and you fell for it
like a, like a sucker.

And if you're not careful,

the same thing could
happen with the house.

So, just like anything
you buy off Craigslist,

just give it
a quick check first

before you accept the offer.

Just make sure it's sturdy.

(knocking)

But when you start
to look around,

you start to notice
other things that

are wrong with the house
for the very first time.

♪ ♪

There are cracks
that are forming

in the corners of each room.

There's a big leak
coming from your ceiling,

and you'll probably
have to get the roof fixed.

Other parts of the house
are a millimeter away

from a complete disaster.

And you're also finally able

to see the apartment
on the first floor,

and the tiles in the bathroom

look like something
awful had...

uh, you thought it was...

it looked like cum.

And the house also seemed to
be sinking into the ground.

And you realized that
you don't even know

if this house is a good deal,

and maybe you should see what
else is on the market first

before you commit to anything.

It's really fun
to get a glimpse

into all these interiors
around New York City.

You feel like
the Invisible Man,

getting to be a voyeur
without any consequence.

Even though it seems like some
people go through a lot of work

to stay anonymous.

But, you can only browse
on the internet for so long

before you have to check
out places in person.

So, in the bathroom, there's
no sink in the bathroom?

Realtor:
Yeah, just the toilet.

Yeah, just the toilet.
It's okay.

Wilson:
And then you'll just use the
kitchen sink for the bathroom.

Great location.
A lot of stuff over here.

I'm really close
to east Williamsburg,
prime location.

-Wilson: Sure.
-The price and everything,

and it's manageable for
the right person, no?

-Wilson: Yeah.
-It's affordable.

So, it's been on
the market about 68 days.

-Wilson: Sixty-eight days?
-Realtor: Yeah.

Wilson:
Hey, I'm John.

You're looking at
a one bedroom, two bath.

Upstairs and downstairs.
It's hardwood floors.

It's actually a lot of cabinets,
open space. You have a breast--

Break-fist table over here.

Wilson:
What made you want to
get into real estate?

Actually, I've had
a passion for real estate

since I was 16.

-Wilson: So wait,
how old are you now?
-I'm 18 years old.

Wilson:
You're... That's a...

-You can be a real
estate agent at 18?
-Yes, you can.

I took my real estate
exam three times.

I just passed.

-Wilson: Yeah.
-I just passed,

so being a real estate
agent is not easy.

Wilson: Nothing, uh,
in your, in your,

in your price range
really excited you,

but fortunately,

they don't always
check your financials

when you ask to see a place.

So, try somewhere different.

Wait, so how many
floors is this place?

-Five.
-So, we're four stories--

-No, plus basement.
-Five stories.

Wilson:
So, like, why the...

What's with the oval ceiling?

Oh, it's just design.
I mean, it's a very...

-sophisticated aesthetic.
-Here is the kitchen.

-Handmade of walnut.
-Wilson: Oh my goodness.

Realtor:
And again, the mosaic floor.

Wilson:
How many steps
are in this house?

Haven't counted.

And the street that this is on

is the most exclusive
street in all of Neponsit,

so it's great to be on

a very exclusive street in
a beautiful neighborhood.

We gotta go to
master bedroom level.

-Ready?
-Primary bedroom level.

-Oh yeah, we're supposed
to say primary.
-I know we are.

Wilson:
Primary? Why primary level?

-Because...
-Because it's more
politically correct.

-It's appropriate
to say primary...
-Wilson: Bedroom?

...as opposed to master,

even though we were
never masters of anybody.

Wilson:
You can see the detail
in the pool from up here.

-Uh-huh.
-It was inspired by
an Hermès scarf.

-And if you like
entertaining, get ready.
-Yeah.

This is a wonderful place

to entertain because
the room has the width,

and it also has a little
bit of a curvature.

Wilson:
You're not really sure what
they mean by entertaining,

but just to be safe,

make sure you
have an act prepared

if you're investing
in, uh, real estate.

(whimsical music)

You looked at
a place in Harlem,

and the current owner
showed you around.

-How long has this
place been vacant?
-Um...

Just about maybe...

-six months.
-Wilson: The place
seemed really nice,

but after the tour,

she told you about
a little problem

she had with the person
who lived here before.

He did all kinds
of strange things.

He stuffed a brush
down the toilet,

so we had to replace
the entire toilet.

He took a large mirror

from the vestibule
and smashed it.

He threw wine in the face
of one of the tenants.

The fire department
had to come once.

I had to buy all new appliances.

He scaled the front
of our building

with a knife

and a switchblade.

He would draw
pentagrams on the wall

as well as on our front door.

He was running around
naked with a moose head.

He was trying to
summon the devil,

and because I'm
a praying person,

I wasn't having that.

♪ ♪

Wilson:
None of the places you saw

really, ah,
felt quite right,

and you're starting
to have doubts about

investing in
real estate at all.

But when you get back home,
your landlord starts

showing you how to take care
of her plants in the backyard

when she's gone.

And it seems like she's
really depending on you

to keep everything
the way she liked it.

If she had to put
the building up for sale,

she may have to let all those
real estate people come in

and pick apart her entire life,

and you'd probably
be kicked out.

Or worse, they could
film another TV show here

that isn't your show.

So, no matter how unprepared
you are for this,

you know it would
make her really happy

if you were the one
that bought it. So,

go to a mortgage broker
that your friend recommended

to see how much, uh...

mortgage, uh, you can get.

(office chatter)

Alright, so I got
your credit right now.

So, you have phenomenal credit.

-Wilson: Oh really?
-It's amazing.
What do you do for a living?

Wilson:
Um, I-- I'm a documentarian.

-Oh. Fun. Okay.
-Um...

Like, it's kind of like,

uh, memoir...

essay...

um...

It takes place in New York.

Do you have
any stocks and bonds

or money in the market that you,

like, you get residual
income off of?

Wilson:
Um, I have one share
of Domino's Pizza.

And, at that point,
the mortgage broker

may begin to question
if you're actually

financially stable enough.

Whatever you're worried about,
we're worried about.

-Wilson: Yeah...
-So, we don't wanna
lend to somebody

who miraculously
got a huge project,

and they never had
a project like this,

and it will never happen again.

We need to make sure
you're consistent.

Wilson:
So you're gonna have
to come back another time

with financial documents

and any other proof
you can find

that you'll keep making
money in the future.

So when you get
back home, you start

by drafting a letter as
part of your application.

♪ ♪

And then go to
your grandma's house

because she keeps the clippings
of every review from your show

that was in the newspapers,

and you're sure that the bank
would like to see those.

Grandma:
See? I got everything, Johnny.

Grandma's not
so nutsy after all.

Wilson:
And then compile all
the good reviews of your show

into a packet that proves
everyone loves it,

and hide the bad
reviews in a place

that the mortgage broker
can never find them.

HBO never gave you
any numbers about

how many people are
watching your show,

so you have no idea
what the ratings are.

So, instead, you can
just start looking through

people's windows to get

the data yourself.

You didn't see anyone
watching your show,

but you did catch a few
minutes of "The Departed,"

which was nice until, uh,

they, until they
noticed you filming.

Sorry!

So, just don't
mention any numbers

to the broker and bring
everything else.

-So, these are some...
some reviews.
-Broker: Reviews.

So, you're trying to
determine that these are--

This is like your
proof of continuance?

Wilson:
This is kind of... Would
this kind of help at all?

(sighs) No.

Wilson:
None of the stuff you brought
really convinced her,

but after she went through
the rest of your financials,

she said that you, you
will actually qualify.

On one condition.

Broker:
I know we're using every
last dollar of yours

-to purchase this,
but for right now...
-Wilson: Uh-huh.

...you can't purchase this

without a supplemental income.

-Wilson: Without a tenant.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Wilson: Okay.

So, if you wanna get
approved for a mortgage,

it seems like
the only way is to

rent out one of your units

and become a landlord yourself.

♪ ♪

There are no two groups
more distinct from each other

than landlords and tenants.

And you're not sure you're
ready to switch teams.

If you became a landlord,

you would have
to be on call 24/7.

Because if anything went wrong
in the middle of the night,

you would be personally
responsible for fixing it.

And if you rented
out your place,

you would have no control over

what kind of music
your tenants played.

(bagpipe music playing)

Or, or what kind of pets
they might sneak in.

And they might throw
really weird parties.

And if you're not careful,

they might even try to
summon the devil himself.

So, you might have to act
like a tough guy sometimes

to stop things from
getting out of hand.

But that's not a role you
really know how to play.

Maybe if you rent
it out to someone

that you could be friends with,

uh, none of this stuff
would be a problem.

The situation where you
interview a potential tenant

is that they basically always
bring their best foot forward.

They're very nice, very polite,
very kind, very courteous.

But,

sometimes, that has
a way of changing.

Once they get the apartment,

all that sweetness
goes out the window.

-Wilson: These are all clients?
-Yeah, all these clients.

All these cases are,
are sitting in court,

-waiting for a court
date, you know?
-Wilson: Alright.

What if I like
wanted to try

-to be friends
with my tenants?
-(laughs)

I feel sorry for you.

Wilson: (stammers)
Why's that?

It doesn't work out.
Doesn't work out.

I've been living
here five years.

My landlord and I,
we have a great relationship.

We kid around,
we don't have a problem.

But I'm sure

that the day
I don't pay my rent,

that, that friendship
goes out the window.

Wilson: So wait,
your landlord lives here?

Yeah, yeah.
He's across the hall.

Wilson: Oh really?
Could we talk to him?

-Yeah, let me just go get him.
-Wilson: Oh, okay.

Quick Evic Owner:
He's asking me is it possible

to be friends with the landlord.

Landlord:
(indistinct yelling)

-Quick Evic: Come on! Come on.
-Landlord: I don't
wanna be on that shit!

Wilson:
I just wanted to see if
you wanted to talk about

-how you have
a nice relationship.
-Landlord: No, no, no.

-Quick Evic: Okay,
his question is--
-Landlord: You doing that?!

Wilson:
No, no. The light--
Sorry, the light is off.

You gotta take the emotion
out of the equation.

If you're gonna be a landlord,
be a landlord.

If you're gonna be
a friend, be a friend,

but you can't be both.

Wilson:
Maybe he was right.

Maybe you can't be two
people at the same time.

♪ ♪

You always thought
your landlord

struck the perfect balance,

but even she got to be
a little suffocating.

And after a while,
you kinda wished

you could just wash
your own underwear.

Maybe the secret to a good
relationship with your tenants

is to have as much distance
between you as possible.

My name is John,

and I am a,

what's called, a land baron
in "Second Life."

I've got a real estate office,

and when people
teleport into the office,

they can look at pieces of land

and talk to an agent
and figure out

which island
they want to buy, or.

Yeah, here we are.

This is my office.
This is the director, Lorak.

Every single avatar,
there's another real person

-on the other end.
-Wilson: Oh, she's...

-Wait, so is this
like a 9-to-5?
-John: Yeah.

Wilson:
So, she has to stand there?

-John: Um... yeah.
-Wilson: Eight hours a day?

And she's saying,
"Good to see you, sir."

-Wilson: Oh.
-So, that was really sweet
of her. And she's really...

really attractive.

-Just really nice.
-Wilson: Yeah.

John:
She's really...
gorgeous. (laughs)

Wilson:
So how much does a month
of rent at a property cost?

Four hundred, U.S.

-Wilson: Four hundred
U.S. dollars?
-Yes.

For a smaller property, 125.

Occasionally, we'll get
a tenant that doesn't pay,

and we'll have to go

and talk with him,
and eventually evict them,

which I really don't like
to do. I try not to do.

Then they'll explain like,
"Oh, my cat had surgery,

and I can't pay this
month, so just--"

-Wilson: Wait, their real
cat got surgery or--
-John: Yeah.

Wilson:
So it's a lot like

getting physically
evicted from a real place.

It is, and it can
be as traumatic,

and I really feel
for the people

that, that we do this to.

I've had several
threaten to sue me

in real-life court,

and I've had other
kind of threats,

and if there's
any way to avoid it,
I would love to do it,

but it does--
it does hurt.

Where does the empathy stop,

and the rubber meet the road?

Where do you have to,
you know,

draw a line in the sand
and go out of business

over someone's feelings?

♪ ♪

Wilson:
Maybe, no matter what
reality you're in,

being a landlord is
always going to cost you

a piece of your humanity,

and there's no easy way out.

Whenever I need
a place to think,

I like to do a full loop

on the Staten Island Ferry

because it's free, and you
get a great view of the city.

People are also kinda
stuck on there,

so they usually don't
mind talking to you.

Wilson: Four hours...

The closing date on the house
was only a couple days away,

and I still felt completely
unprepared to take on a tenant.

Maybe I wasn't ready for
all the responsibility

that comes with owning
a piece of New York,

and I should just sail away
and never come back.

But a big part of me always
wanted to grow old here.

♪ ♪

On the ride back, I struck up
a conversation with someone

who seemed really
good at entertaining.

And it looked like he'd
been doing it for a while.

-I know, looks pretty cool,
doesn't it?
-Wilson: (laughs) Yeah.

And I don't even do
this kind of magic.

I just like having the skill.

Wilson:
It turned out he was
actually a ventriloquist,

and he was on his way
to a gig in the city.

What do you do for a living?
What do you do?

Ventriloquist: You're a driver?
Truck driver? Really?

-Yes! Yes!
-I can do an impression
of you as a truck driver.

(driver laughs)

(ventriloquist and Wilson laugh)

What are you doing?
"I'm a truck driver." Okay.

Wilson:
He really cheered me up.

And when I told him
that I might be doing
a lot of entertaining soon,

he actually invited me
to visit him at his house

to teach me a thing or two.

♪ ♪

He had a really nice place

with a spotless
dining room set,

a piano that played itself,

and a whole room
in the basement

devoted to his
collection of dummies.

"I like his glasses." Yeah.
"They're really huge."

Yeah. Well, that's not nice.

And, uh-- "They're really huge."
Yeah, they're pretty thick.

"Get some contacts,
Johnny." Okay...

That's not nice, huh?
Tell him you're sorry.

"I'm sorry you're blind."
Alright.

Wilson:
I was angry at the doll
for, for mocking me,

but somehow, I couldn't
hold it against the man

who was actually
making him do it.

Are you usually the nice guy
and the puppet is the mean guy?

Yeah, kinda. Kinda.
"Uh-huh."

I mean, I'm telling
him don't do that,

so, in a sense, yeah.
"Uh-huh."

But, it's coming from my head,
so you're splitting

your personality on some level

'cause you're writing
what he would say,

and then performing it
as if it wasn't you.

It's kinda interesting,
you know?

I would never do what
these people say.

Never. You get away with
murder with this stuff.

Wilson:
I'd never thought
of that before.

That you could be two different
people at the same time.

Maybe he had found the secret
to being confrontational

without damaging relationships.

And maybe all I needed
was something like this
in my life.

I'm hoping I'm able
to do a special

where we can break down
the social barriers

and the political barriers.

I just really want
people to let go

and enjoy,
and life is short.

Wilson:
He seemed like a kind soul,

and he gave me a lot
to think about.

But just as I was about
to leave, I realized that

maybe he wasn't the best
role model after all.

Ventriloquist:
Do what you love and then
you never work a day, right?

-Wilson: Oh. No, you don't...
-So, Smokey. "Yeah."

Tell him what you do for
a living. "Uh-uh." Why?

"Maybe he's a cop."
He's not a cop. "No?" No.

-Wilson: Um--
-He's a regular guy.
"Is he really?" Yeah.

Tell him what you do.
"Uh-uh."
Smokey's a pimp.

"Don't tell him that." Why?
"Ain't politically correct."

What are you?
"I'm a physical relationship
facilitator."

Wilson:
I think I have
everything I need.

(playing classical melody)

When the closing date arrives,

you head to the lawyer's
office and you sit down

to finalize everything.

They keep you in separate rooms

until all the paperwork
is filed,

so that there's no foul play.

And then,

you sign everything
that they hand you

without reading a single page.

Then, you can finally reunite

and celebrate with
your former landlord,

who now, for one night only,

is actually your new tenant.

(piano ends)

♪ ♪

She uses the time
you have left together

to pass everything
she knows down to you.

Oh, put your knee there?

(whirring)

Wilson: Oh, okay.
I gotta learn how to sew.

Oh, the oil is right here.
Oh, okay.

Wilson:
Oh, for the bathroom.

Yeah, I always
liked these. Yeah.

These are beautiful...
Okay, I'll take them.

You're gonna miss
her a whole lot.

But you know
in your heart that

she'll just be loving
you somewhere else.

And after all
her stuff was gone,

and she vacuumed all
the dirt off the floor,

her last words to you were,

"Have a nice day.
Have a nice life."

And after a big hug,

she takes nearly a million
dollars of your money and...

♪ ♪

flies nonstop to Las Vegas.

And even though
you try to make the house

your own in little ways,

you'll try to keep
all the good traditions

that your landlord started.

And make sure that nobody
forgets who was here before.

And no matter who ends up
living in your vacant unit,

you're guaranteed to always
have a great relationship

because if you ever have
any conflicts with them,

you thankfully now
have a healthy way

to deliver the message
without getting personal.

It might take a little
practice to get it right,

but it should work fine,

as long as you don't
take it too far.

And as you watch the rain fall

gently on your new house,

you can finally be at peace,
knowing that you have

a sense of stability for
the first time in your life.

And if you're ever
worried about

making big decisions
in the future,

all you have to do is just

listen to that little
voice in your head,

and everything
should be just fine.

This is John Wilson.
Thanks for watching.

♪ ♪