Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, mate, wait there.

You look like Jason Statham, my son.

You're his ringer.

You're delicious.

What do you reckon? 10/10? Absolute sort.

MUSIC: Super Freak by Rick James

# She's a very kinky girl

# The kind you don't take home to mother

# She will never let your spirits down

# Once you get her off the street

# She likes the boys in the band

# She says that I'm her all time favourite

# When I make my move to her room, it's the right time,

# She's never hard to please

# Oh, no

# That girl is pretty wild now The girl's a super freak

# The kind of girl you read about In new wave magazines

# That girl is pretty kinky The girl's a super freak

# I'd really love to taste her Every time... #

HE BELCHES

Oh, I love it down here.

I absolutely love it here down at the Dave.

Oh, hold the front page.

12 o'clock across the pool. Don't make it blatant but have a look.

Be subtle, be subtle, babe. Who is it?

Darren Ferdinando from school.

That's got to be his wife Chloe Ferdinando,

I've seen her on Facebook, people you may know.

Oh, what?

He's only gone and swan dived.

He's swan... Look at him, look at him glide through that water.

Oh, that technique.

Oh, I tell you, I'm going to just say it as it is.

He's the strongest geezer down here.

We should go and say hello then, babe.

I might actually do that.

Might just slip in the pool, have a little swim over.

Just sort of say something about something, you know?

Yeah, exactly. Here, you could talk to him about that documentary

you watched on sinkholes. PHONE BUZZES

Yeah. I thought that was well interesting.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. What is it?

It's my mum. Stuart Williams from number 36 is having a BBQ on Sunday

but we're already having a BBQ on Sunday.

Well, what's he playing at? He's only been here two minutes.

See, I told you he'd be trouble.

You did say that, to be fair. Didn't I?

Oh, God. Didn't I?

The last 40 years, my family have run the Butterchurn Crescent

inaugural BBQ. My granddad started this thing,

and on the first year that I take over from my father,

some other wally comes down and has a barbecue just down the road.

Nah, nah, nah, no way, Jose. Are you stupid? No. Oh. Ah.

I'm having one. I'm in the midst of one.

I'm having a panic attack.

Oh. Oh.

I'm drownding, I'm drownding, I'm drownding.

Gary, Gary, you are not drownding.

Oi, oi. You are not drownding.

Look at me, look at me.

You need to calm down, get yourself together,

get yourself dressed, get me another drink and go and talk to your dad.

Be straight with him, he'll understand. Do you think?

I don't think, I know.

No, I don't know what he's going to do, no.

Well, it puts you in an awkward position, doesn't it?

I'm so sorry.

Shoes.

I'm just on the phone to Hazel.

Listen, Mum, does Dad know about this thing

because I don't want it to become like a big deal and stuff.

I'm not getting involved, but just so you know,

if this goes south, he will be devastated.

Well, you'll be glad to know it's not going south,

it's not going anywhere near the south,

it's going to stay firmly in the north, so...

All right, boy? Has your mum told you, has she? Has she told you?

Yeah, she was just saying actually and um...

Just bought the world's sharpest knife.

Here it is, just unboxed it.

I got it off the internet TV last night,

and I'm going to use it on the hog roast at your first BBQ.

Oh, nice one. This'll cut through anything.

It'll cut through fruit, frozen fruit, meat, frozen meat.

A hammer. Why would you need it to cut through a hammer?

Do you want a little hold, boy, feel it in your hand?

Go on, have a little hold. They're banned in Mexico, them.

Oh, wow, that is, that's a...

That's a decent old bit of kit, innit? That's lovely.

That's, that's, definitely bring this to the BBQ.

If there is a BBQ, what with everything that's gone on.

Oh, no. Please.

Not the BBQ. Not the King's Butterchurn Crescent inaugural BBQ?

First year and you've naused it?

Oh, I haven't naused it, I haven't... I've not...

For everyone in this room, let me state now - I have not naused it.

It's just that someone else on the crescent is having a BBQ

on the same day. Someone else on the crescent on the same day!

Oh, he's melted. His arse has gone at the first hurdle.

Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, it hasn't.

This Stuart Williams fellow, he's an absolute no-bo dad.

No-one's even going to go to his BBQ, so...

Well, Hazel said she's going to his,

because she didn't get an invite to yours. Oh, she did.

She definitely did.

I emailed and I WhatsApped everyone.

What, what? No paper invites?

This is worse than I thought.

Listen, Dad, listen to me.

I'll tell you something, I want to tell you, right,

this Stuart Williams, I'm going to go and have a word with him.

You're going to have to have a word with him.

You going to have a word with him?

Oh, I'm going to say something.

You're going to have to say something. I will say something.

Oh, I will. Hazel.

Yeah, he's going to say something.

Oh, God, yeah, I know.

I'm so nervous, but I've got to try it. Yeah.

I mean everyone is doing it.

I'm told it doesn't even hurt that much.

Although obviously, it depends who you go with.

Are you talking about bum sex?

No, no.

You just say what I say, babe, I say, "Gal, I will do it

"if I'm drunk, and it's your birthday."

Either/or, do you know what I'm saying?

Oh, bless you. No we're talking about micro-blading.

Oh, yeah, micro-blading.

Oh, they doing that down here, are they?

Cool, cool, cool, cool, yeah. Yeah, done that, yeah.

Me and my hubby Gary, you know, little Gary,

son of big Gary King, used to go to school with your Darren?

No, I don't. Yeah, we tried it in like Miami, two years ago.

My Gal really struggled on the micro-blades, though.

Oh, just so you know, micro-blading is a semi-permanent eyebrow tattoo.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, exactly, yeah.

Very specialist.

I'm having mine done this afternoon

even though my eyebrows are naturally perfect.

Has Holly Willoughby had it done?

I've no idea, babe.

She's my queen, that one. She's like a proper lady, isn't she?

I mean, everyone says I look like her and I'm like that,

"All right, enough!"

Can't see it. Have a closer look.

Are you going to put some clothes on or..?

Mm? Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, not until I'm completely,

you know, air dried, no.

You see them house towels you've got on there, girls?

Don't trust 'em, nah.

Gave me proper bad pinkeye about a month ago.

Laters, chicas.

Hello?

Everybody in the crescent knows the Kings

have the first BBQ of the summer.

Sorry, who are you?

Gary, Gary King, I live at the corner plot over there,

sweet little place.

Couple of concrete lions out the front, all the bedrooms converted

to en-suite, already worth double what I paid for it, so, there we go.

Yeah, I think I know it, what seems to be the problem?

Your rival BBQ on Sunday, mate.

Yes, I'm having a barbeque on Sunday, it's my wife's birthday.

I don't care if it's your wife's birthday.

No, it is my wife's birthday.

Exactly! I do not care if it's your wife birthday.

What? No, it is my wife's birthday.

Listen, there's a Crescent WhatsApp group

so this kind of bedlam doesn't happen.

All Crescent business must go through the WhatsApp group.

Yeah, I muted that WhatsApp group months ago.

What?!

You muted a street WhatsApp group, Stuart.

What if there's some kind of emergency down here on the Crescent?

Really, like what? Like two BBQs on the same day.

Listen, erm...

Gary, Gary King.

Gary, right, I mean we've actually only invited like a handful

of people from the Crescent, so... I love this Crescent.

I love everyone on it.

I know all the people.

Name any number, name any number of the Crescent.

Right, no, I'm not getting into this, mate.

Mate, I'll sleep on this porch. You name a number, I ain't going nowhere till you do.

Test me here. Name a number, any number.

Er, number 53.

Number 5... I live at number 53.

That's my house. You can see that from here, you're just...

Any other number, just name one.

Are we still doing this thing or..?

Yes, we're doing it, name one.

Erm, 68.

68, Alison Clark, she lives alone, her husband Clarky,

he died two years ago because his blood stopped working.

Right, well, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Where are you getting your meat from?

Err, Gribbin's, I think.

Gribbin's the butchers?

Yes, I tend to get my meat from the butchers, yeah.

Don't make a joke out of this, mate, seriously.

I'm telling you now, you do not make a joke out of this.

Because what you've got now, mate, you've got yourself a war.

You're in a war now, mate. There we go,

there's a war going on between me and you, right?

Yeah, mate, you're in a war and once you're in a war,

you can't get out of the war that you're in, until the war is over.

So, war time. You're losing it here, this is ridiculous.

You're ridiculous, mate, so see you around.

Mind the plant pot, won't you, mate.

Snide. You're a sh...nide, mate.

CAR HORN HONKS

Gentleman, time is of the very essence.

Now I've emailed you all a list of jobs.

First up I need a leaflet drop, advertising the BBQ.

I want you to hit up every residence,

every local business, every shop, every pub, every gym.

All the bakers in town, the kebab store, every block of flats.

Flats? Does your dad know about all this?

He does, and it's none of his concern.

None of yours either, Winkle.

I run the business, how I want, when I want.

Well, what are we going to do about the primary school job this weekend?

The leaky roof. I've pulled it.

This is a million times more important.

Oh, I don't know, what will big Gary think about that?

We're supposed to be finished by Monday.

Don't test me in front of the other lads, Winkle, all right.

Yes, Wayne, you haven't got to put your hand up, son.

Do we still get double bubble?

You'll have to ask his mum, she does the timesheets.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't tell my mum anything, all right?

I'm the boss, I'm the leader, this is my dance, this is my disco.

And let me tell you now, all of you are getting double bubble,

all weekend long. Now there's a box of leaflets there, you lot get gone.

I've got something very important to take care of.

Here he is, little Gary!

Head in the clouds, what's the weather like up there?

I'm not actually here for banter today, so...

His mother said he wouldn't be long.

Listen, erm...

He were too big for a normal pram,

his old man used to schlep him about in a wheelbarrow.

Shut up! Shut your noise.

What have I done, Gal?

Stuart Williams, yeah.

I know about you and him carrying on behind my back.

You supplying his BBQ on the very same day as my BBQ, John.

St..

Beady fella! Five ten, rides the foldy bike.

He lives down your road! I know he lives down my road.

That is the problem! That's what's created

this absolute nightmare what I'm living through right now.

All right, all right.

You know I don't want to fall out with you or big Gary.

You tell me what to do, it's done.

You phone this Stuart Williams,

you cancel his order, you say that you've ran out of meat,

then you close this place down for a week or two. Lie low, John.

I'll cover all your costs, I'll give you a nice little drink on top.

And from now on, you don't call me Little Gary no more.

Well, what do I call you then, Big Gary?

Well, not Big Gary, Big Gary's me dad's name so...

Great Big Gary? No, I don't wanna...

Bald Gary? No, no. Chunky Gary!

No, that's just offensive, John, so no. Fat Gary?

Just Gary! From now on I'm just Gary, all right?

Ah, get in there.

Ah!

Ah, not up there, hey.

You all right?

Yeah, sweet as, yeah.

Like to...get my head under from time to time because I was a water baby.

Oh! Your, your...doo-dahs, yeah, ah.

Yeah, they look banging, actually.

Yeah, they don't look fake, but they are fake,

but they look real, do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, you should get yours done.

Already am, babe, yeah, yeah.

My mate Kay's doing them, she's like the Banksy of eyebrows so, you know.

Want to look all nice for my Gal at his big BBQ, you know what I mean?

Oh, love a cook out.

Sorry, a what out?

A cook out.

Oh, sorry, it's just an Americanism for barbecue.

Right.

Nice.

Oh, look, you should, should...

..come to our cook out, because we are cooking out, cowgirl.

No, seriously, you should come along and bring your Darren.

I know my Gary would absolutely love that.

I'll come 100%, but I can't say for sure about Darren because...

Oh, God, I'm really not supposed to say anything

but can you keep a secret? Er, yeah, babe.

He's doing the dry-lining at Ian Wright's house.

Fuck off!

Ian's really happy with his work,

he's already texted Lee Dixon and Alan Shearer.

And if he can get in with them and Gary Lineker,

you're talking serious money.

Ah, well, yeah. Fair play to you.

That's, that's...

That's massive.

Yeah.

We're still the same people, but we are doing a little bit better

than everyone else, do you know what I mean?

Winkle. HE WHISTLES

Wink. Winkle, son. How's it all going?

Well, it was OK but we've had a big setback.

Absolute disaster, in fact. I'll let Mr Bounce explain.

Benny Bounce - castles, slides, pools, balls.

If it bounces, we hire it.

Mr Bounce, an absolute honour to meet you, sir.

What seems to be the problem?

It's your inflatable slide I'm afraid.

You can't fit it in your garden.

OK. Are you absolutely sure about this, Ben?

Maybe we go without it, Gal.

Maybe move on, mate.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

No, that inflatable slide, that's an imperative part of my vision.

I need it.

OK, just give me a second, let me have a little think.

I've got, I have got it.

The way I see it, there's only one option.

We're going to have to knock through into Mrs Watson's garden next door.

That's the only way we're going to do this.

Hello, Miss Watson, love.

Hello, Mark.

I'm just going to lob some bits and bobs and your garden here, all right?

You ain't going to notice that you're there.

Thank you very much.

You're more than welcome.

Right, it's grim in here, I'm not going to lie to you.

It's pretty disgusting, the poor old bird's let herself down.

Let's get a lawnmower, some strimmers,

let's get it cleaned up ASAP, boys. Let's do it, yeah.

Sorry, so, so where do you want the Porta-Potties?

In here, mate, in Mrs Watson's garden, all right?

That's why we've knocked it through. And where are the Waltzers going?

Right, everyone listen to me because I'm going to say this once.

Porta-Potties, Waltzers, inflatable slide,

in fact, all of the rides come in here in Mrs Watson's garden.

Lob the smoking area in here too, all right?

Morning, Gal.

You all right? Yeah, this little Piggy went to market.

Mate, I'm up against it here, I've got no time for joking and stuff.

Get that meat in the chest freezer by the DJ booth at once. Gal.

Randy. mate, pick up your feet when you're moving, son.

That fence won't move itself. boy.

Gal. I need to show you something.

So basically I went to see Kay last night.

What, mad Kay from the flats?

Yeah...

It's my eyebrows.

Right, yeah, OK... Morning, Tel. whoa!

What, weren't you expecting us? Didn't you know we were coming?

All right, all right, mate. That's...

Here, get her a Benadryl, Gal, she looks like she's going to sneeze.

All right, yep, yep, carry on, mate, with what you were doing.

What have I done, Gal?

And why are they so high?

I look like fucking Coco the Clown.

I mean, what am I going to do?

Kids entertainment.

That's enough out of you, you get that meat in the freezer,

you take your boy and you get out of here.

Yeah, no, I... Sorry, Gal.

I'll make you right. Shut up.

I can not let anyone see me like this, Gary.

I look like I've just stepped on a piece of Lego.

Now you listen to me, right.

Your surprise face

is my favourite face out of all the faces what you do.

Yeah? Oh. yeah.

When we were 16, first French kiss, down by the Wandle,

you find out that I've got my tongue pierced.

Surprise face.

When you thought that we couldn't go to Ibiza

because I had contracted worms off that street cat,

but I turned up at your house, picked you up, we went.

Surprise face.

When we found out you were pregnant with our Teddy,

even though we thought I was a Jaffa.

Surprise face.

See, your surprise face is the cornerstone

of all of the happiest moments of my whole life.

I love your eyebrows.

Thanks Gal.

I love you, bub, but I need to get this BBQ sorted.

Ooh, hold on, I've got something to tell you.

Erm, erm, Chloe just text me.

Darren Ferdinando's coming to the BBQ.

I'm actually going to cry.

Please tell me you're not pulling my plonker, babe.

He's really coming, babe.

This ain't a dream, this is real life, this is really happening.

I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

Darren Ferdinando's coming to my house to play. Yeah.

Oh, babe, thank you.

Oh, I need to change my outfit,

that's the first thing I need to do, innit?

I think, I can't go, I need to think about this.

All right. Ooh, white skinny jeans. Yes, yes!

Ooh, Gal, Gal.

What? No socks.

Yeah.

MUSIC: All This Love That I'm Giving by Gwen McCrae

# You try hard

# Getting next to me

# I was so in love with you

# I could hardly see

# Now it seems you wanna

# Run out on me

# Now after all this time

# Tell me can't you see

# All this love that I'm giving

# Giving my love... #

ECHOING: Council lager.

That bin's full of council lager.

That bin's full of council lager. What? You're kidding.

Yeah, it's full to the brim of council lager,

supermarket own stuff. It's a bit tacky, that.

Well, I just bought classy stuff, I went with like Stella, Peroni.

Someone must have just smuggled that gear in.

You've gone too early on them coals. They're not even white yet.

Yeah, they are, they're fine. They're lovely and white.

Winkle said you sold one of the work vans. What?

You did what?

I didn't, I haven't sold anything, I swear, Dad.

You need to turn them sausages. I am turning them, I'm in control here.

I did the lad's timesheets and they've charged double bubble

for helping you here,

rather than finishing that school job in Margate.

You've used company money to pay for this fiasco?

Fiasco, this is not a fiasco, this ain't a fiasco by a long shot.

It's a smashing success, Dad.

Look, everyone's having a great time, everyone's really loving it.

You've burnt it now.

Look, you gotta turn the meat, son. Rotation, rotation, rotation.

Got you a beer, Big Gal. It's a Belgian one.

Can't wait to see this world's sharpest knife,

you don't do things by half, you.

Oh, don't, here we go. It is ruined.

She has ruined the world's sharpest knife.

I just put him in the dishwasher.

Just? It struggled to cut through a mango this morning.

Gal... Oh, my God, your eyebrows.

Yeah, I know, Denise. Thank you.

Right, babe, action stations. Chloe and Darren have just arrived.

Better go and say hello.

Right, they're here.

Right, I've got this, I've got this, Gary. I've got this, I've got this.

20 years. 20 years I've been waiting for this.

Winkle, man the BBQ, all right, boy?

Hello, babe, thanks for coming.

Oh! What happened to your eyebrows?

Oh, they are so awful.

Oh, no. Nah, no, no, see, it's exactly how I wanted them, yeah.

It's actually my Gal's favourite face

out all the faces what I do, so...

Oh, right.

Hey, Dal. How you doing, man?

Mad one...

..we actually went to school together, Gary King.

Big chestnut.

Oh, right, yeah. Sort of forgotten all about you

but then I see you down at the Dave the other day, and I was like wow.

You were swimming and stuff and I was saying to my wife, that guy's got..

You had amazing technique. You've got that locked down,

the front crawl.

Maybe if...

Yeah, I'm just not...

I'm, I...can't do it.

Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, well, actually, that's what I was going to say to ya.

Guess who I saw the other day? Cheryl Philpott.

Yeah, I saw her in Asda,

she's married to Phil Joss now, of all things.

By accounts looking at probably getting a...

..a loft extension.

Yeah?

Erm, what was I going to say about it? Erm...

Oh, yeah!

Um...you're doing the dry-lining at Ian Wright's house?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man, so, nice just catching up and talking about stuff

and I haven't seen you for so long, so, just, yeah.

Yeah, just nice seeing you, bro.

Good seeing you, mate.

See you later, yeah.

So, how did that go then?

That went it exactly how I thought it was going to go.

Yeah, yeah, did it come out just like we practised?

Exactly, we were just like toing and froing beautifully.

Nice.

All right, Stu.

How's your BBQ, mate?

What do you want?

I'm here to put this feud to bed.

Listen, you jumped in at the deep end with this BBQ thing

and you made yourself look like a bit of a mug,

but I wanted say, here's my heart, here's my hand, mate.

I want to invite you, your wife,

your kids to come and have a hot dog at my place, and, genuinely,

I'm actually sorry no-one came to your stupid BBQ.

No, it's fine, we...

..we just moved it.

What?

We...

..moved it.

You can't just move a BBQ, mate.

We're in the middle of a war here.

An absolute war.

I mean, I've thrown everything at this thing,

I've thrown grands at it.

I've, I've got fire breathers over there, I've got Waltzers.

I've got Stavros Flatly turning up in a half hour.

Why? It's only a barbecue.

Oh, you've done me, ain't ya?

Oh, mate! Oh, mate, touche.

Touche, fair play to ya. Fair play.

But I'm putting it around everywhere you are a sh..nide,

you're a double shnide.

And that invite to you your wife and kids, uninvited.

Never, ever again, you're never coming to one of my BBQs.

Well, it actually looks like you have a bit of a problem down there anyway, mate, so...

Oh, you're joking, mate, what the..

Oh, mind the plant pot, won't you, mate?

And this ain't over. Not by a long stretch.

Twat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Guys, guys, guys. What's going on?

Is this your house, sir? Yeah, it is as it goes, yeah.

Gary King, this is my gaff, what can I do for you, officer?

Well, we've... We've had a com..

Sorry, mate. Guys, let's not go yet, let's not be too hasty.

Let's have another drink inside. Give me a second here, would you?

I'm just trying to... Guys, I've got confetti cannons in here.

Sir, sir. We're gonna do confetti cannon. All right, mate.

Karaoke hasn't even started yet. Sir. Come on, fellas! Guys!

Sir. Bobby, Bob.

Dad, what's going on, mate?

Just going to have a couple of pints with Dal, top man, isn't he?

Yeah, he's great. You know he's doing dry-lining up Ian Wright's?

Yeah, I know, but where you going? Dad, where are you going to go to, mate?

Sir. Just text me, all right, are you going to be in the snug? Sir?

Dotty love, you're not going, are you, Dot? No, come on, girls,

you're not going, are you? Mr King. What?

We've had a complaint from one of your neighbours

about excessive noise pollution so I'm afraid we're going to have to close this down.

Listen, mate, the whole point of this BBQ is that everyone

from the street is here. That's the point of it, is that..

OK.

Here, got you a Jagerbomb.

Cheers, Tel. Look...

..be honest with me, how do you think today went, BBQ-wise?

Babe, everybody loved it.

Babe, it was like proper ram-oed, it was brilliant.

Do you know who enjoyed it the most?

No.

Me.

I'm so proud of you, like, really proud.

Cross my heart and my minny and hope to die and all that shit.

I love you.

I love you too, babe.

Now you hold that thought, because I'm going to put on our song,

and then we're going to have a lickle dance,

and then we'll have a bunk up underneath the stars.

MUSIC: Murder She Wrote by Chaka Demus & Pliers

Oh, you didn't. Oh, oh, oh, 'ere we go.

# I know this little girl, her name is Maxine

# Her beauty is like a bunch of rose

# If I ever tell you about Maxine

# You only say I don't know what I know but

# Murder she wrote For real, for real

# Murder she wrote

# Murder she wrote

# Murder she wrote

# Watch ya now, me name

Ah pretty face and bad character

# Them there kind of livin' can't hold Chaka, follow me!

# Ah pretty face and bad character

# Them there kind of livin' can't hold Chaka

# Say, gyal, you're pretty

# Your face it pretty but your character dirty

# Girl you just act too flirty flirty

# You run to Tom, Dick, an also Harry

# An when you find your mistake... #