All language subtitles for No Activity.US.S02E01 - Big Boy Has the Flu.1080p.WEB.H264-METCON - mxx

Previously on
"No Activity"...

When we make this drug bust,
we may even get a medal.

A big, shiny medal.

Mason, it's fun to be at work
with Mommy, isn't it?

Do you have any videos
of you in the nude?

- Or even just titties?
- No.

I got a surprise for you
for movie night.

Fresh popcorn.

I'm briefing the boys
right now.

Haldeman, DEA.Hey, man.

- So the raid is on?
- Boys, it's on.

So, you guys
are gonna be Team Cobra.

Are you ready
to fuck this thing?

Oh, dude, we are ready.

Turn that off.

Where did that come from?

- That was gunfire, no?
- Yeah.

What the fuck, they
haven't called anything through.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

What? Where's the radio?

I unplugged the radio.
I forgot to plug it back in.

What the...
Why did you do that?!

Because of the popcorn machine.

You fucking idiot.
Plug it back in!

Car 14, suspect approaching.

- He should be right on top of you.
- We're missing it!

- We are missing this!
- Oh, fuck!

Come on!
It's not my fault.

Shut up! Grab your vest.

- Oh, man, it's not my fault.
- Jesus Christ.

You and your fucking
fresh popcorn!

Come on!

Yeah, well, it makes
the movie experience better!

Shut up!

If we miss this,
I'm gonna fucking kill you.

- Come on, Okay. Fine.
- Go, go, go, go, go!

Here we go. This is it.

- Hey, watch out.
- Hey, hey, stay back.

- No, no, no, it's okay.
- This area's hot.

- This is our bust.
- We were here first.

- Ch-Check it out.
- Stay back.

Confirming all units.

The raid is completed
and successful. Dispatch out.

That's it between us. That's it.

- Come on, you don't mean...
- No, no, no.

- Don't...
- Come on, Cullen.

Don't follow me!
Don't you follow me.

Hey, put the...

- Fuck!
- ♪ It's over, it's over... ♪

Seriously,
we are done professionally!

♪ It's over now... ♪

Cullen?
Cullen?

Come on, buddy,
where you at?

Yo, Cullen.

Hey, Cullen.

Zip up the fucking bag, man.

You just want to spill
a bunch of money?

Are you fucking nuts?

Hold on, hold on.
Haldeman, we got company.

Thanks, man.

Oh. I know you,
don't I?

What are you, uh,
Team Cobra, right?

Yeah. Hey.

- Haldeman. How are you doing?
- All right, how are you?

Great. Perfect.
Uh, what are you doing?

Oh, I was just looking
for my partner, Cullen?

Oh, yeah.
Is that the, uh...

What is that... the, uh,
shirt dicking guy? Cullen?

Oh, no. That's my wife's
live-in lover, Kyle.

He shirt dicks.

Cullen and I, we just talk
about shirt dicking.

Oh. That's cool.Okay.

I should get going.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

All right.
Well, it's good to see you.

Yeah. I didn't see anything,
so...

What does that mean?
Why would you say that?

Why did you just say that?

It... it's just something that
I say whenever I leave a room.

I think I saw it on the TV.

I love TV. What show?

Um...

Forged in Fire?

Forged in Fire?

The competitive
bladesmith show?

- You know Forged in Fire?
- I've watched every

fucking episode.
I'm a bladesmith.

- Oh... Okay...
- I make swords.

That's my thing. I've never
heard someone say that.

Right. Maybe I'm thinking
of another bladesmith show...

No, Forged in Fire'sthe one.

- Yeah.
- So what are you thinking of?

I... I don't remember.

I should probably
get going.

- So...
- You got to remind me again,

'cause now I feel
nervous.

Did you see anything?

I didn't see anything.

Are you sure
you didn't see anything?

That's a good answer.
There's a reward to that answer.

- Really?
- Hey, O'Reilly, throw me a block.

Oh, no.
You don't have to do that.

Hey, you know what this is?

That's for you.
Do you understand what I'm saying?

That's a little cheese.

For the little mouse.

Uh, no, I'm, uh,

I'm lactose intolerant.

- Me, too.
- Oh.

But this is the kind of cheese
you're gonna like.

Do you know
what I'm saying?

It's silence cheese.

Open your mouth.

What?

Open your mouth,
you fat, little mouse,

so I can fill it with cheese.

- Open bigger.
- Ah.

Close it.

Now let me ask you something,
you fat, little mouse.

Are you gonna ride

with me on our team?

Or you gonna try your luck
on your own?

Hmm.

♪♪ "Happiness, Missouri"
by El Vy playing...

♪ While away while
someone counts the minutes ♪

♪ Happiness, Missouri,
I got to get your mind off ♪

♪ By the way,
I told you we were in this ♪

♪ Happiness, Missouri,
I got to get your mind off it. ♪

*NO ACTIVITY *
Season 02 Episode 01

Episode Title: "Big Boy Has the Flu"

Sync corrections by srjanapala

The current San Diego PD
corruption scandal

is being called
the worst abuse of power

- in a generation.
- Thus far, 28 officers have been

indicted on charges
from racketeering to extortion.

Decorated Special Agent
Josh Haldeman is expected

to be sentenced later today.

Simply put, both cops
and robbers said Ralph Dyer...

Acting Commissioner Garcia

has vowed to weed out
all corrupt officers

in the SD PD.

Question.

How many hairdryers
do you have?

- Uh, none.
- Yeah.

- You?
- Same here. None.

- Okay, four.
- That's too many, right?

Mm, I think you know
the answer to that.

I don't know, it's just
that the HotPro Ceramic

just came out with a new,
limited edition gold model.

It's pretty expensive.

Take the biggest number
you can think of,

and then double it.

Another wise investment
by Tolbeck.

Man, you have been burning
through the money lately.

I don't know. I use this thing,
and I just feel like a real man.

I see myself
in the mirror using it,

and I just go,
"God, I want to be that guy."

And then I realize
I amthat guy.

I get really happy.

Then I'll get sad.

It's a real
roller coaster ride up here..

Mm

Car 27, please report.

Car 27?

Car 27. No activity.

Copy that.

Oh, looks like

church service started.

Praise be the rectangle.

Uh, Janice, um... wait.

- What?
- Okay, um...

it looks like my laptop
was hacked.

- Oh.
- And the hacker...

okay, um, he activated
the camera on it,

you know, and
recorded me in a...

- compromising situation.
- Hmm.

All right, well...

what's it about? Money?
Is that what they want?

- Yeah. Or they're gonna release
- Hmm.

The video to everyone
in my contacts list.

What's on the video?

Oh.

"Oh" what?
What'd they catch you doing?

Um...

- you know, like...
- What?

What-What's this? You trying
to pet a frog or a toad?

Um, well...

I was...

Oh, you were jilling off?

- Yeah... Don't call it jilling off.
- That's what it is.

I mean, this is jacking off.
This is jilling off.

Sure.

I just don't like that word.

You're the one making
jilling off videos.

Don't get all prudish on me now.

- I wasn't making a video.
- Oh, please.

Don't be naive.
Leaving your camera uncovered

is like walking into a biker bar
in a short skirt,

leaning up against
the pinball machine.

Janice, this isn't helping.
I don't know what to do.

Give me the phone.

I'll write the guy.
Give it to me.

- Are you sure?
- I'll respond. Yes, just give it to me.

Geez, look how wet it is.

Ugh, were you jilling
on this phone?

- No. I'm sweating.
- What's this smear on here?

I'm nervous.Whatever. Okay.

"Dear Jerk-off Face,

"may your mother sit on a knife

while you choke
on a pit bull's dick."

Yeah. No, what's better?
"A Great Dane's dick.

Go fuck yourself. Signing off."

There you have it.
You owe me one.

- Okay.
- Feel better?

Check it off your list, sister.

Oh, damn it!

- What? What? What?
- Fuck.

I should have said
coyote's dick.

It's a lot coarser,
like, uh, steel wool.

Would have had more power,
you know, more of a punch.

Damn it!

Hey, what do we got?

Ooh.

- We got some movement.
- All right.

Dispatch, this is Car 27.

Go ahead, Car 27.

- We have a shadowy figure.
- It's average height.

- Average height.
- Average build,

- I would say.
- Average build, I would say.

- He's carrying...
- And carrying...

What is he carrying?

- Something.
- He's gone.

- He's gone.
- Uh, he's gone.

Over.

Wow, great description,
guys. Dispatch out. Idiots.

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody here?

Oh, shit.

Okay, just relax.

My name is Marco.
I'm the new trainer.

This is the challenger,
Señor Feathers.

I took over
for Roberto.

I was supposed to see Frank.
Are you Frank?

Oh, shit, okay... oh, fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.

There's a password.
Okay, okay.

The best season of
The Great British Bake Off

is season 2.

Ohhh!

That bird is
deceptively heavy. Wow.

Wow!
This place is great.

- Aaah!
- Sorry we snuck up on you like that.

I like to get to the
place early, you know,

so Señor Feathers can
get out, walk around,

get the lay of the land,
get to know the ring.

You know, cockfight, it's like,
90% intellectual.

It's all psychology
for the bird.

How long you been,
uh, doing cockfights?

That's all right.
We can just sit here,

- be quiet,
- I'm good with that.

You know, what I caught
the other day on cable?

Jumanji. The original.

Not Jumanjifrom now
with, you know...

What's the
guy's name?

Wrestler who's
now in movies?

Oh, here he is,

- here he is, here he is.
- Okay.

Haldeman is about to give his
statement. You want to listen?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Turn it up, turn it up.

I got 50 bucks
on the prison pool.

Hm.

I want to start
by saying that, uh,

these corruption
stories are true.

At the time, I said to myself
that what I did was okay.

- Oh, man, that sucks, man.
- Yeah.

Haldeman was our shortstop
on the softball team.

He had the mitt
of an angel.

Yeah, that's what's
bad about this.

Your police
softball team

is down a shortstop,
and by the way,

that's half your softball team

has gone down
for corruption now.

Boy, would you calm down?

You're, like, yelling
at me right now.

Whatever.

That's a predicament for them.

And, uh,

the power I had over
these junior officers...

Where have I heard this before?

- Is this Louis C.K.'s apology?
- I'll check.

Policing and doing
anything I want.

I will now step back

and take a long time to listen.

Thank you.

Yep, Louis C.K.,
word for word.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm, mm, mm.

Of all the apologies,
why steal the one

where the guy doesn't even say
the word "sorry"?

That was Agent
Josh Haldeman's statement...

No. Ugh, he was, like,
my favorite cop.

Now I can't like him anymore.

The disgraced
agent was sentenced

to six years in prison.

Fucking six years? I had seven.
That's 50 bucks.

Mm, that's a good thing.

Car 27, any word
on the raid?

Nope. Not yet.

Copy that.

Man, my grandfather
flew B-29s over Japan.

I'm sitting here
waiting for

two fat birds
to peck each other.

I'll tell you what, a fat bird would not
survive a round with these athletes.

What, are you an expert
on cockfighting now?

No, I'm not an
expert, but, uh,

when I was a kid,
my uncle Lavester

had fighting birds, okay?

- Hm.
- They're very mean.

They're very
mischievous, too.

Hm. - Yeah, one of them
burned

his house down.

- What?
- Yeah.

He had this rooster,
it was at his house,

he left, came back,
house was burned down.

And he said a rooster did that?

A rooster burned down his house?

Yeah... You know,
now that I say it out loud,

it doesn't sound like
it could be true.

Mm.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- What is it?

This pervert sent me
a screenshot

of the video.
Oh, fuck, he's serious.

Let me see it.

- No, Janice, I don't know...
- Please.

I don't want you
to see me like this.

Don't drag it out,
give it to me.

That's your pleasure face?
Oh, my God.

You look like a dog
getting an injection.

No one was ever
supposed to see this.

It's remarkable.
You know, it reminds me,

did you ever see that movie
Silence of the Lambs

when Agent Starling
goes to that storage unit

and she see that head
in formaldehyde?

Well, you look like that, but
with less lipstick.

Thanks, Janice. No, come on.

Oh, look it here,
he's only asking

for 700 bucks. That's easy,
that's chump change.

- That's low?
- Oh.

He's got a Venmo account.
You got one of those?

- Yeah.
- Perf.

Write it down,
let me give you his name.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

It is

"nosamlogboy69."

Aw, shit.
Okay.

What?

What, what, what?

It's Mason.

It's Mason?

Mason backwards,
"nosam."

Like, the kids call him
"logboy" at school,

and "69," I have
no idea what that is,

but I should've known, it's got
his fingerprints all over this.

- Your son Mason has the video?
- Yeah.

- Can you believe it?
- Yes?

I mean, where do they learn this
stuff? I got to give him credit.

At least we
can end this.

Do you want to call him?

Me?

- Yeah.
- No. I'm not getting involved.

This is your problem.

Don't involve me.

But you're his mother.

I'm not that kind of mother.
I don't henpeck him.

I don't still breastfeed him.

I got him on a long leash.
We have separate lives.

This is your
problem, baby.

- Okay.
- Here.

You call him,
but when you do,

tell him he owes me ten bucks.
He knows why.

And I mean,
you could clearly see,

in the background,
one of the munchkins

has hung himself.
I mean, that's cra... - Oh!

Three Men and a Baby. Okay?
Do you know this one?

So there is,
in one of the scenes,

a ghost behind the curtains

in the San Francisco
apartment, right?

We caught it on film.

Why aren't people
talking about this more?

Why aren't we...

Why... Why aren't we

investigating?

Why aren't we putting people
on the case,

so that we can figure out
how many times

- we've captured...
- Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Okay, okay, okay.

You're a woman, okay.

Is that gonna be a
fucking problem? - No!

What? A problem? No.
Why would it be a problem?

I love women.
Not only that,

but I'm close with
the women in my family,

my aunty,
I love my mom so much...

I'm gonna fuck your mom,
you little pussy-ass bitch.

- What? Why?
- Listen to me, you turd, my job here

is easier if bitches like you
don't think of me as a woman.

So you listen to me,
you racially ambiguous pirate.

What does that even mean?

You never saw this, okay?

My name is Frank.

I don't get harassed, and I
don't get fucking disrespected,

and if you have
a problem with that,

then you can choke
on my big, black dick.

Okay, all right, that...

I got to say something.
If you're gonna try

and pull off this whole
"I'm a guy" thing,

don't sneeze
like a woodland nymph.

You know, it's, frankly,
a dead giveaway.

Also, that beard.

I mean, it looks terrible.

Are you fucking
kidding me?

It looks like
a five-year-old did it.

Your beard is insane.

My beard is a real beard.

It looks like you're
starting a church,

but no one's gonna join 'cause
of your weird-ass fucking beard.

Your beard looks like
just somebody threw

a bunch of dirt on your face,

and a bunch of it stuck
to this area

'cause you were sweating
at the chin.

All right. Okay, listen.

I'm really just trying to
help you with what is obviously

a very well-researched
character.

Here, if you don't mind...
What the fuck?

Okay.

You can't take my picture. I-I promise
I'll erase it.

I literally am just trying
to illustrate a point.

Look at this.

Your eyes are so mean.

The hood is doing great work.

Your body language,

everything is communicating
a threatening energy,

which is great,

but the beard, it honestly
just looks like

- someone threw dirt at you.
- Okay, good.

- Well, that's the look I'm going for.
- Great.

But you know what?
The idea, the gall of you

to question
my commitment to women

is-is just over the line,
you know?

I love women.

I tried to go
to the last Women's March,

but guess what?
They fucked it up

because public transportation
was overrun, Uber surge pricing,

they... You-you guys
created an environment

where you were
disincentivizing people,

allies, from coming
and marching in solid...

You know what? Here's how
you run a Women's March.

Wow.

Oh, shit,
look who it is.

Ebenezer Splooge, once again.
Let's take him down.

You ready? Come on.

Let's go, get your jacket,
get your gun. - No.

- Put this away. Come on.
- No. Come on.

Look, wait, wait, wait. Come on.

What? What? Let me
tell you something.

Listen, the last time
I gave Herb the...

Herb? You know Old Man and
the Semen's real name?

- Yeah, his name is Herb Fischer, okay?
- Jesus.

Last time I gave him
his final warning, he...

he looked me right
in the eye and he said,

- "I love you."
- Okay.

Okay. That's, uh, that's
very touching and romantic,

but we're still gonna
take him down.

Okay? Let's take him down.
We've got time. He takes long.No.

Listen, we are not
going to arrest Herb, okay?

- Why?
- This is just bad karma, okay?

He's probably
just a veteran.

He probably served
his country well

and now he's just here

and he just wants to get
his rocks off, okay?

We're here
for the cockfighting.

- We're not here for prostitution.
- We can do both.

When the raid happens,
we'll do that.

We'll take of that.
That's great.

But how cool would
it be to take down

a prostitution ring,
just you and me?

Come on. Let's tick that box.

Okay. What is up with you?

Nothing's up with me.

- You... Don't lie to me.
- I'm not lying to you.

I'm your work wife.

I know when something's up.

What's up?

Okay, okay. I'll tell you,
but don't be weird about it.

- I won't be weird.
- Okay.

I put in an application
for the FBI.

You okay?

My little woodpecker's
leaving the nest.

You're not mad?

Are you kidding?

I'm so proud of you.

You'll be
an amazing FBI agent.

Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate that.
But I'm not there yet.

I mean, I've only just applied.
I mean, I just feel like,

you know, it's a great
time with everyone else

falling down around with
all the corruption shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And ticking off the boxes will
help you with your application.

Exactly. So what do you
say? Ebenezer Splooge?

No. Are you not
listening to me?

He said, "I love you."

- Who cares?
- I do.

I haven't heard
"I love you" in years.

Oh. I love you.

- Oh, bull-bullshit.
- Can we go?

That was conditional.

Herb's love for me
is unconditional.

What do you mean?
I-I've said I love you.

Mm, not since August of 2014.

Fuck.

What about Lisa?

Oh, my wife?
She never says it.- Yeah.

She said married people
don't say "I love you" anymore.

It's very passé.

One time I tried to say
"I love you" and she booed me.

"I love you."

"Boo."

Oh, fuck.

What?

Big Boy's sick.

Uh-huh.

Big Boy.

The champion cock.
The rooster that your bird... - Ah.

- Is fighting tonight?
- Yeah.

- Big Boy. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. 43 fights, 43 kills.

Three blindings. 14 unpecked
fights. 35 beak-outs.

He's fucking huge.
He's a monster.

He's been on
El Salvadorian Ellen.

One time, he completely ate
the challenger.

- That...
- What? For real?

Yeah. That Big Boy.

Wow. Okay. Well,
maybe this is

good news, right? If he can't
compete, Señor Feathers wins.

What? No. Are you
out of your mind?

That's not how cockfighting
works. This isn't chess.

He doesn't win because
the opponent doesn't show up.

We sit here and we wait
for Big Boy to feel better.

Wait, we wait here for
a rooster to get better?

Yes, that's the job.

All right.

Oh, shit.

Did you just get
the same message?

No, worse.

My mom's cat got out again.

I don't fucking care about that.

Yeah. I get it, believe me.

She wants me
to come help her look for him

because he's
an inside cat.

- It's an inside cat?
- Yeah.

And it's out?

Yeah, you got to go.

What?

An inside cat is out.

You have to go.

You sure?

Marco, an inside cat
is out!

Okay. Yeah. Great.

Uh, thank you. I appreciate
this. You know what,

shouldn't take more
than a couple of hours.

I'll text you when I find him.

And, uh, you know, I'll be back.

Oh, I don't give a shit.

Really? Okay, you...

Mixed messages
on this whole cat thing.

Every... Honestly,
everything is mixed messages

with you.

Car 27, new intel.

- The raid is off tonight.
- It's off? Why?

B ecause important police
who actually know what's going on

told me it's off.
So now I'm telling you

- it's off.
- Copy that.

Goddamn it. No raid.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Mason,

I...

I know it was you.

Okay?
And I think

you need to know
what you did

- is very wrong.
- He doesn't understand

- right from wrong.
- Okay, Mason,

did you even consider
my feelings

and the invasion
of privacy

with this... Just give me the phone.
Give me the phone.

Okay, I'm putting your mom on.

Mason, you little
shit wallet,

just because
Fatima sits around

and diddles herself like a horny
leper with an eye problem

doesn't give you the right
to stoop to her level.

Oh, you know what,

I don't need you either.
Believe me.

I need you like I need
a nunchuk blow to the vagina.

When I get home,
you better not be there.

Okay? And I don't even want
to hear from you.

I love you, too.

God,

I sound just like my mother.

Mm!

Hey,

- thanks, buddy. All right.
- Yeah.

- Which is me?
- That one.

Thank you. Hey, uh, Dispatch
called while you were out.

Mm-hmm. Uh, hey, uh, Dispatch,
this is Car 27.

Detective Tolbeck is
here now. Go ahead.

Copy that.
I have that intel you requested

- on the perp, Herbert Fischer.
- What?

We didn't request
any intel on Herb Fischer.

Oh, yeah.
I did.

Before. When I thought
we were gonna arrest him.

Should we even bother? I mean,
I mean,

- yeah, go ahead.
- Oh. Oh.

Right. So, I had Records
dig into the guy's file,

and it looks like
he was a Nazi.

Oh, my God.

Nazi?
What do you mean, Nazi?

He was a former
SS Unterscharfuhrer,

or junior squad leader,
in the Third Reich

from 1942 to 1945.

Well, why isn't he in jail?

He was. They picked him up
in Buenos Aires in 1971,

and he was convicted
to consecutive life sentences

but made parole
45 years later in 2016.

He's done his time.

Oh, my God. That is crazy.

Yeah. Yeah.

You-you hate Nazis, don't you?

I really do. I really,
really hate them.

Yeah. I mean, I-I
never liked 'em,

but, I mean, you
really hate 'em.

Yeah. Ever since I was
a kid, I hated Nazis.

- I mean, should we let it go or...
- Let it go?!

- He's a Nazi!
- I know, but we made

a commitment
and a decision.

You know, if this is
for my FBI application,

let's just forget about it.

- Fuck your application!
- Yeah.

I'm gonna take him down
like a Nazi bitch. - Okay.

You sound like you're
calling yourself a bitch,

but I like your passion.
Hey, Tolbeck.

- What?
- I love you.

It's not the time!

Looks like he was part

of a special Nazi branch
where they did stuff to kids.

The Kindertuchen.
It was the SS division.

It's okay, Janice.
He's already gone.

He bought the Nazi story?

Uh, hook, line and swastika.

There he goes.
There's my guy.

Cleaning up some Nazi scum.

♪ Is it strange
to dance so late? ♪

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Hey, it's me.

I'm coming in,

and I've got a new one.

Copy that.

Come here, you son of a bitch.

You fucking Nazi.
You tell me you love me,

and I find out you're a
Nazi?

Rough. Little bit rough.

That's okay.

I'm sure he's a bad guy.

♪ Is it strange
to dance so soon? ♪

♪ I danced myself...

Pick up Schindler's
bitch!

You picked the wrong cop!

I hate Nazis!

Tolbeck! Tolbeck!

Janice, he sent a video.

Everyone in the office
has the video.

- Tolbeck!
- Hey, hey! It's okay.

- You got him. You got him.
- Get in on this!

- Yeah, you got him.
- No, no, no, no, no. Get in on this!

You got him. You got him.
Hey, hey, hey,

you got him. You got him. All right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, my grandma.

Oh, my grandma.

It is kind of on us.

We did ride him pretty hard.

We?

♪ Oh, oh-oh

Wonder why I didn't get it.

Oh. Oh, there it is.

Oh, should I watch it now
or later?

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

Yeah. Hey.
Hey. Okay, buddy.

- You're coming with me.
- No, no, no, no. Come on.

You're under arrest, pal.
Here we go.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Frankie, I'm sorry to say
you made the board.

You're one of the bad guys.

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Sync corrections by srjanapala

Guh-doosh.