All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.US.S04E02.HDTV.x264-LOL

"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Good morning.

Ohh.

Mmm. Mmm.

I love you so much.

Wait a minute... that
doesn't sound like

the "I love you. You're a great husband."

It sounds like, "I love
you. I scratched your truck."

If I scratched your truck,

I would know enough to just keep driving.

So, everything's good? Yeah.

All right.

It's just that...

ohhhh, boy.

Well, Suzy Shaw and Betsy Wolf

are coming to town this weekend.

Those old broads still travel?

Yes, my college roommates can still travel.

Honey, you should see them on Facebook.

For "old broads," they look amazing.

I've seen Suzy on Facebook.

A little too much Botox.

She has the same expression
at her surprise party

as she does at her dad's funeral.

I feel a little insecure.

I mean, they used to call
us "the three hot toddies,"

and now I'm afraid it'll be
two toddies and a moscow mule.

Truth is, I married a very beautiful woman.

From where I stand, she's just
as beautiful as she ever was.

Thanks, honey.

I keep telling myself
that age is just a number.

And no matter how
crazy-big that number gets,

I'll still love you, mom.

Thank you, Mandy.

So, how's the fashion business, huh?

Well, IMHO, my LBDs could
end up being a really BFD.

Cut the hipster talk.

She's already feeling really old today.

In my humble opinion,
my little black dresses

could end up being a
really big frickin' deal.

Some generations win world wars.

Some win cold wars.

Some come up with snazzy abbreviations.

Bye.

Hey, um... ILY.

(Chuckling) Oh. Yeah. (Chuckles)

I love yams.

But what a weird way to
say "have a nice day."

Bye, honey. Bye, guys.

Bye! Bye!

Wow. Mandy, honey, these
dresses look amazing.

I know, right? Yeah.

But I need to take some new
pictures for the website,

and I'm hoping to find
a slightly leggier model

than, uh, sergeant stumpy over there.

Hey. I'm taller than you.

Huh?

No way. When did that happen?

Uh, a while ago.

But to spare your feelings, I've
been walking around on my knees.

Hey, you know what... I
tower over both of you,

so, Mandy, maybe... maybe
I should be your model.

Okay.

I know that you're
joking, but, like... Don't.

What, you don't think I could
pull off one of your LBDs?

Ah.

It's just that, um...

Modeling is a really dangerous business.

Okay.

And I just... I care
about you too much

to see you get addicted to heroin.

So...

I'm gonna stick with Eve.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
Www.Addic7ed.Com

maybe we should do the
young one... like that.

Hey.

Hi. How were drills?

Tough.

It's just nice knowing
we're out there hitting it

while the Ruskies are still in bed.

The Ruskies aren't in bed.

They're doing jello shots in the Ukraine.

And you know who to blame for that?

Obama. Obama.

Couple years, guys, you'll
have Hillary to blame

for everything Vladimir Putin does.

Wow. I like blaming her for stuff.

But, then again, to blame her,
she'd have to be president.

These are the tough choices
we face as Americans.

Hey.

Home so soon from Spencer's party?

Uh, Boyd got thrown out.

What? From a birthday party?

One too many juice boxes.
We've all been there.

Honey, what happened?

Spencer's mom said I broke the rules.

Boyd had the other kids running
around the yard playing war.

You know, shooting finger
pistols at each other.

Stop it!

A 7-year-old with
a finger pistol?!

Did you get hit with any booger bazookas?

If they come for my finger,

they're gonna have to pry
it from my cold, dead hand.

We were just playing "Dirty Dozen."

I was Lee Marvin.

That's because you're a born leader.

Seriously, Mike? You showed
him "The Dirty Dozen"?

How do you think he
learned how to count to 12?

You're welcome.

So, this whole ugly incident occurred

because of certain influences
that Boyd has in his life.

To be clear, we all know I'm
talking about Mike, right?

Yeah, now who's pointing fingers?

Honey, come on. You want
to come help me upstairs?

Okay. What are we doing?

We are picking out an outfit.

Grandma's meeting up with some old friends

who she needs to look way better than.

Can I change my mind?

No.

I mean, come on, Mike. Really?
You showed him "The Dirty Dozen"?

I don't want him
pretending to kill Germans.

Since when do you become so pro-Nazi?

I am not pro-Nazi.
I'm just anti-violence.

Although I realize I'm preaching
in the wrong church here.

Calm down, Betty.

I'm just going off to play paintball.

This is where it starts.

As a culture, we teach
our children to be violent.

No, no, no. They don't have to be taught.

You stuff a paper donkey full of candy,

give kids sticks, watch
nature just take its course.

I still remember my first piñata.

The only thing Dora was exploring

was the business end of a baseball bat.

Well, I would appreciate
if every once in a while,

you could show Boyd a movie

where conflict is
settled through diplomacy.

So typical, Ryan.

You want all the protection
the military provides,

but you don't want to know
how they make the sausage.

I know how they make the sausage.

It's a big part of why I'm a vegetarian.

Enjoy your lentil chops, hippie.

I'm off to shoot people with paint.

Bye! Bye! Bye!

You know, I don't see the harm

steering Boyd towards
nonviolent activities.

He just helped me pick
out this very pretty scarf.

I think we found the harm.

Hey. Hi.

Can you believe our kid?

The one I don't believe is Spencer's mom.

They were playing war with their fingers.

Well, I got a finger for her.

We have a rule among parents...

you invite my kid to a party,
he's yours for four hours.

Oh, that reminds me... I've
got that hair appointment,

and Marci has a really strict
cancelation policy. Of course. Yes. Go.

Let the ladies take care of this.

You go get your hair done.

So, how's, uh, Boyd doing with all this?

You know, he only has a few friends,

and Spencer was his favorite.

I didn't realize he was
having trouble making friends.

That's because he's Lee Marvin, the leader.

Can never get close to people 'cause...

They always come after the ones you love.

Mike, honey, this is
troubling. I mean all of it.

Boyd's struggle to make friends,
your crush on Lee Marvin.

He doesn't need to be friends
with this Spencer weenie.

I mean, 7-year-olds make
friends quicker than drunks.

They're fighting one minute, and the next,

(slurring) "I love you, man. I do."

Hi, mommy. I got 86'd out of the party.

Oh, I know, sweetie,

but did you at least get to eat some cake?

No. And it was carrot with soy ice cream.

Ohhh.

Spencer's mom did you a favor, pal.

Can we do something fun now?

Oh, that's a little bit of a problem.

You see, mommy has to get back to work.

Well, there's no problem.

Grandpa can take you to Outdoor Man,

if it's all right, 'cause we're
having a weekend promotion,

lot of kid stuff to do. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a bouncy
house, arcade, face painting.

We'll meet some new friends.

There'll be more Spencers there

than you can shake a stick at.

And down at Outdoor Man,

you can actually shake sticks at people.

Sounds perfect, dad. Thank you.

But before we go, come up and
help grandpa pick out an outfit.

Can I play shooting gallery, grandpa?

Boyd, we're not doing that right now.

We're coming here to play games
and... and make friends here.

Like... Go in the bouncy house.
A lot of nice kids in there.

But I don't want to go to the
bouncy house. You're gonna go...

I want to shoot the rifles.

Stop, stop, stop. Calm
down. Ple-e-e-e-ase?

Let the kid shoot!

There's a pitch to that whine

that cuts right through my skull.

Let's do a little snack.
How about a pretzel?

Take him over there and just
spray mustard all over his face.

That's where it's gonna
end up anyway, right?

All right, these glasses
belong to that girl,

and this inhaler is his.

Or is it the other way around?

It's okay, Kyle. Give that
to whoever starts wheezing.

Get this.

Heh?

Boyd goes to a birthday party
today, and they kick him out

for pointing a finger gun at another kid.

Come on. A finger pistol? Yeah.

They're coming for these now? Come on.

I know.

Some lady at the party...

his dad...

got all bent out of
shape about it, you know.

So... He doesn't like simulated violence.

Country's gone soft, Mike.

It used to be air rifles
were standard issue,

you know, in the first grade.

I took more shrapnel in elementary school

than I ever did in Vietnam.

Now these kids are spending
all their time in basements

eating cheetos, shooting zombies,

getting fake exercise and real fat.

Pow, pow! I got you, grandpa!

(Chuckles) Look at that.

The boy's made a gun out of a pretzel.

The Germans would be proud, kid.

Better watch that curved barrel,

or you're gonna shoot
yourself in the schnitzel.

Now can I go to the
shooting gallery, grandpa?

No, we're gonna get in the bouncy.

Come on. Now, what are you gonna do, Mike?

It's the way little boys are wired.

Hmm?

Listen, as far as anyone's concerned,

I might have lost track
of you for a half-hour.

Let's go. Come on.

Hey, Paul, line 'Em up.

Mom, don't worry.
Everything is gonna be fine.

Why do I suddenly feel
like you ran somebody over?

Because that's exactly what she said

that time that she ran somebody over.

This is way bigger than that, okay?

I figured out a way for you to look awesome

when you meet up with your school friends,

Ethel and Mildred.

Suzy and Betsy!

Who are they?

Uh, mom's hot friends from college.

Suzy looks like she's 30.

Ew. 30.

Sad.

♪ Ta-da-da-da ♪

Sweetie! Thank you!

Ooh, let me see.

Well.

A little short, but I like it.

Oh, God, no! That's just the first layer.

All right.

So, here are the leggings
to layer under that.

Okay.

And then we got a sweater to layer over.

Then we got this nice scarf

so you can just cover up
all that, like, uggggh!

Super-wide belt just to sort
of "sssk!" In the middle.

So, for me, being awesome
means "not visible"?

Oh, my God. Mom, I'm so sorry.

Totally forgot the poncho. Hold that!

Honey, I'm not wearing this.

I may not be 22, but I'm
not the elephant woman.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm with Vanessa.

I mean, what makes society think

that an older woman can't be sexy?

Their eyes?

Thank you, Ryan.

You know what?

I think I could totally pull this one off.

Ooh. Not if dad pulls it off you first.

Oh, gross!

Yeah, now that Mike's in the
mix, I'm kind of with Mandy.

I am gonna wear this dress,
and I am gonna look hot.

Kardashian hot.

Oh, and not the mom or the tall one.

Ah. I blame forever 21.

You know, they should really call
that place "face it, you're 50."

Paintball is awesome!

Kristin: What?

Hey, what happened

to "wait and let's see if they notice"?

You said he was taking him face painting.

Well, it looks like they
got a little bit on his face.

No, no, no. That's actually
German spicy mustard.

I cannot believe you, Mike.

I mean, after everything we talked about,

you take him paintballing?

This is not paintball.

It's called splat-ball.
It's low-impact.

It's just for kids. Why was he even there?

They came to pick me up from paintball,

and there were some kids
from Boyd's school playing.

The lucky ones that didn't get invited

to that weenie Spencer's party, okay?

It was just a bunch of kids.
They saw Boyd sitting there.

They invited him to play.
He made a bunch of friends.

That was the idea... to
make some friends, right?

Yeah, friends with guns
...that's called a gang.

They even gave me a nickname. Yeah?

"Bullseye," like a scary
eye on a big, tough bull.

Yeah, that's... Probably why
they gave you that nickname.

He seemed to really hit
it off with this kid Max.

Max is gonna play again next
week. Can I go, too, dad?

Sounds like he really did have a good time.

Max can drink soda through his nose.

Well, uh, what about your buddy Spencer?

Spencer's mom won't let him drink soda.

Babe, please?

I guess we'll be seeing a lot more of Max.

Max is good people.

The kid was nice enough to
share his ammo with Boyd.

Here, here... Here.

Well, all right. Yeah, that's great.

We'll see you in a few minutes.

And tell Spencer I'll whip
him up some mac and cheese.

Of course gluten-free.

Of course without the cheese.

Great news, buddy.

Spencer's coming over for a playdate.

Yay! I'm gonna go build a fort!

Oh. Okay.

But a nonviolent peace fort
where everybody is welcome.

That is great that Sandra's
letting Spencer coming over.

I know. Yeah.

That's the kind of friend I
want Boyd to have, you know?

Not those gunslinging mini psychos

your dad hooked him up with.

All right. Enough, okay?

Uh, how did you get Sandra to agree?

Oh, you know, I can
be very persuasive...

especially when I use the
(Deep voice) NPR voice.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know whether I
want to sleep with you

or... Pledge money.

Well, either way, you will get a tote bag.

(Chuckles)

Now, Sandra just wanted to
make sure our house was safe...

you know, no guns, no
mean dogs or anything.

Uh, and... what did you tell her?

That everything was fine.

Is... That a problem?

Did we get an invisible
dog I don't know about?

(Chuckles) No.

It's just that, you know, as a parent,

I can't in good conscience
lie to another mom, so...

Well, yeah, okay, but we
didn't lie to her, so...

Well, we actually... kind of...

Have a-a gun.

(Laughs)

No, we don't.

I have a gun.

No, you don't.

You have a gun?

I never mentioned it?

I may not listen to
everything you say, Kris,

but I remember the big ones,

like "I'm pregnant" and "I have a gun."

It has always been unloaded
and completely locked up.

You know that safe that's on
the top shelf of my closet?

Yeah. That's for jewelry.

Have you ever given me jewelry
worth putting in a safe?

Okay, that's fair.

But how could you bring a
deadly weapon into our house

and when were you gonna tell me about it?

Ideally, right after saving your life

by shooting an intruder.

This is unbelievable, Kris!

Look, I got the gun when I was a kid.

I-I know this may sound crazy to you,

but from my dad, it was a loving gift.

He... he would take
me to the target range

and teach me gun safety,

and then afterwards, we'd go
out and get root-beer floats.

Okay, look, I am glad
that you have these warm...

Violent memories with your father,

but you don't live with him anymore.

This is our house...

a place where parents
expect their kids to be safe,

a-a place where there's
no guns in the closet

and no cheese in the mac and cheese.

Well, my dad would argue that
having a gun makes it safer.

But what do you believe, Kris?

(Doorbell rings)

Look, you have to decide that.

Spencer's here!

Wait, honey. Don't answer it yet.

Why? So you can lay down some cover fire?

(Sighs)

That's great.

Now you go up and put
something proper on, young lady.

Sorry. Just habit.

This is what I'm wearing to
have cocktails with my friends.

What do you think?

What I think is, "suck it, men. I win."

(Laughs)

Hey. What about you?

What do you think?

She's speechless. Another
reason to love that dress.

You know what?

I may not rock it like
somebody younger would,

but I think I look pretty darn nice.

Unh-unh-unh-unh.
Stop.

Turn.

Turn.

Turn. No, that's enough. I'm not turning.

No, no, keep spinning.
It'll save money on booze.

Mandy, what
...what is it?

Mom...

I was wrong to think that
you can't wear my designs

just because you're old.

That was so close to a compliment.

You look smokin'-hot, mom.

(Laughs) Thank you.

I'm a miracle worker.

How do you feel?

You've proved Mandy wrong.

Join the club
...the huge club.

Yeah. It feels great
...really great.

Good. Yeah.

I'm gonna go take this dress off now.

Why? I proved my point.

I just... I want to go out with my
girlfriends and feel comfortable.

Don't you want them to see this?

Bet you Suzy's reaction...
surprise, excitement, jealousy.

Kind of hard to tell with
the Botox. It'll just be...

Well... It is nice

to let the girls out every once in a while.

Believe me, the boys like it.

Okay. Well, then I'll wear it.

Good. Good. Have fun.

Don't wait up.

Oh, I'll be up.

(Laughing) Wow. Mom, you look fantastic.

I know.

Hey, hey, dad, uh, can I talk to you?

Uh, sure.

You know, the best thing
about you moving out

is I get to see so much of you.

Um, look, I... I need you...

To keep this here for me.

You've done something
terrible, haven't you?

We got to get our stories straight.

No, uh, Ryan doesn't
want it in the apartment.

Taking orders from Ryan, huh?

It was my decision.

It's your right.

It's also my right to tell
you it's a stupid decision.

In the car on the way over
here, I was, uh, thinking

about that summer up at camp
when you taught me how to shoot.

Do you remember that?

Uh, tick summer.

No, that was the sunburn summer.

Yeah.

You lined up the cans on the fence,

and you told me to pretend
that they were Craig Gerard

because he kept calling me "Sissy Krissy."

He ended up marrying a
dude, didn't he? Mm-hmm.

So he was probably just
projecting back then.

And when I was 16...

You gave me this gun.

I had a big fight with your mom about that.

She said we should get you a car.

I said with a gun, you can
get whatever car you want.

When I moved out,

uh, I knew I wouldn't have
you to protect me anymore,

but I had this.

You know, it was a sort
of piece of you with me,

and it made it a lot easier.

But I'm getting married now,

and I want Ryan to feel
comfortable in our home,

so I am getting rid of the couch

and anything that kills people.

Thank God you got Boyd
around to protect you.

That and we don't own
anything worth stealing, so...

Well, certainly not anymore.

Dad...

I get it. I get it, okay?

Are you mad? No, I'm not mad.

I just want you to remember...

when he's out delivering for a weekend

and you hear some noise in
the house that scares you...

I know, I know... don't
come crying to you.

No. You call me.

I'll be there before you hang up the phone.

The Bill of Rights...
the actual Bill of Rights.

I got to get this back.
They're gonna be pretty upset.

This sacred document means different things

to different people.

To a patriot, it's a safeguard
for those personal freedoms

we hold back from the federal government.

For Nic Cage, it's a coded treasure map

leading him to Ben Franklin's gold.

The First Amendment...
boy, that's a big one.

Freedom of speech and
religion, also known as

"why you can't shove a Jehovah's
Witness off your porch."

Second Amendment...
oh, boy, here we go...

the right to bear arms.

And by "arms," I think
the founders also meant...

Finger guns.

Outdoor Man encourages gun rights, safety,

and respect for others.

Our focus must be on
keeping guns in proper hands.

Now, 99% of you gun owners
are smart, sane people.

I'm not talking to you, so
go on about your business.

This message is for the crazy people.

You know who you are.

You wear full-body armor

and carry an AK-47 to
order a burrito at Chipotle.

Not necessary.

If you ask politely,
they'll give the extra salsa.