All language subtitles for Kidding s01e08 Philliam.eng

[Derrell]
Previously on Kidding...

♪ electronic warbling music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ "Don't Think Twice,
It's All Right" playing ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Oh it ain't no use ♪

♪ To sit and sigh ♪

♪ My darling ♪

♪ And it ain't no use ♪

♪ To sit and cry now ♪

♪ 'Tain't no use to ♪

♪ Sit and wonder why ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Just wonder who's gonna buy
you ribbons ♪

Where's the party?

♪ When I'm gone ♪

♪ Remember
what you said to me ♪

♪ Last summer ♪

♪ When you see me walking ♪

♪ Down that road ♪

♪ So it ain't no use ♪

♪ To sit and sigh
my darling ♪

♪ And it ain't no use ♪

♪ To sit and cry now ♪

♪ Ain't no use ♪

♪ To sit and wonder why ♪

To each his own.

My last meal gonna be
a T-bone

and some licorice rolls.

♪ Buy you ribbons ♪

♪ When I'm gone ♪

♪♪♪

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

They say time,

and space are both immutable,

governed by laws
that cannot be broken.

All I have to say to that is...

Laws were meant
to be broken,

and that's why they call me...

The amazing Pickle-ini.

[laughter]

[Deirdre] Oh!

[Seb] Outstanding.

I am completely bamboozled

by this master magician.

Dad?

[Phil] You're not watching.

I'm sorry, Phil.

You're right.
Uh...

Can we take a...
brief intermission?

What's wrong, Dad?

He isn't paying attention,
again.

[sighs] "My father doesn't want
to ask this,

"but it would mean
a lot to him

"if you could be there
when he passes.

His last wish was to meet you
in person."

Sorry, Jeff.
Which friend is this?

[Jeff] Uh, this is my pen pal,
Joey.

The state of Ohio's
gonna execute him

day after tomorrow.

Oh, that friend.

Who's--who's Joey?

- The Wendy's Killer.
- Oh.

[Jeff] You know, I've been
thinking about it, and I really

- want to attend the ceremony.
- [Seb] Ceremony?

What ceremony?
This is a murderer's execution.

[Jeff] A boy is going to watch

his father wheeled
into a death chamber.

I don't see why I can't hold
his hand when I have two

- to spare.
- I don't know, Jeff.

What if you just sit down
with the son,

or--or take the family out
for a meal?

Hey, anyone
under five feet tall,

let's go look
at stuff upstairs.

[Scott] Me too, please.

[Jeff] If you're worried
about controversy,

I feel I must remind you

that in 1989,
I shared a cup of coffee

with an HIV-positive
individual,

and that show won
a Peabody Award.

[Seb] This isn't fighting

for social justice.

They wouldn't round the corners

on this guy's
bacon cheeseburger,

and he killed
three redheaded women

- with a hammer.
- Four.

[Jill] Phil.

Three were with hammers.

[Phil] One was pure strength.

The hammer was a myth.
It was a wrench.

Can you please stop cataloguing

the nation's homicides
in your spare time?

It's teaching me
how to spreadsheet.

When are you leaving?

Why?
You want to go to Belize?

[laughs]

I'm not being serious.

Why don't you just write
a check, like Dad or Poppy?

[Deirdre] Anybody
can stuff money in an envelope.

I really--I wanted
to build a school for girls.

So now, every time I go,
they know my name,

and it's just the most
fulfilling week I have.

So the Indica School for Girls
was your dream?

You could say that.

So this is a girl
called Julietta.

She's 14 here, but

when I met her,
she was three.

She didn't even own pants.

She had holes cut
into a Doritos bag.

So now, every time I see her,

we go shopping.

You're impressive
and inspiring.

[laughs]

She is.

♪♪♪

What if I just slip in,

you know,
through the back door?

No one would ever
have to notice.

I know you want to support
your friend,

but some friends murder
and don't deserve support.

People murder because
they've never had support.

Lethal injection is wrong.

Isn't that what we believe?

Can I go to the execution?

- No, kiddo, you can't.
- Please stop asking.

Honey, I know you want to
be there,

but victims' families

attend these things,
so if you go,

you'll have to sit
next to them.

You'll have to make
eye contact with them.

Are you sure
you can do that?

I don't know.

I think so.

I believe in forgiveness.

[Seb] Give this decision

some thought, hm?

Not everyone needs a friend.

I'm sorry I didn't
pay attention

to your magic trick.

[sighs]
Okay.

Night.

Will?

What are you looking for?

Oh, uh, my, uh,
winter clothes.

For what purpose do you need
your winter clothes?

I, uh--I want to collect
the ones

that don't fit me as well

and donate them
to the indigent.

That's very thoughtful.

Thanks.

Hey, want to come down
to the kitchen?

I got something
I want to show you.

[Will] Okay.

Say when.

Oh, when.
When.

Mm.

Shh.

Now,

as you know,

this is the season

for Pickles family giving.

Mm-hm.

So,

I am going to give this to you

and you get to decide
where it goes.

[Will gasps]

Really?

- Any cause you want.
- [chuckles]

♪ whimsical music ♪

♪♪♪

Hi.

You're in anesthesiology,
right?

That's me.
Peter.

The difference between life
and death.

[laughs]
I have a burning question.

I'm curious if the drugs used
to lethally inject prisoners

are painful or not.

Well, the only people
that can answer that are dead.

Right.

And standing right
in front of you.

- [laughs]
- Sorry, bad--right.

[clears throat]
Think of it as a three-pronged

cocktail, right?

First is potassium chloride.

That's the bad stuff.
Imagine getting antifreeze

shot into your arm.

Second is thiopental.

That's a barbiturate
that's supposed

to kill the pain.

But it's short-acting.
It can wear off pretty fast.

Finally, uh, you have
pancuronium bromide.

That's a paralytic agent.

The problem is, uh,

we don't know
if the poor fellow's feeling

any discomfort, 'cause...

he's been rendered paralyzed
by now, right.

I can't believe
all that's legal.

Are you thinking
of putting someone to death?

Not anymore.

Anything else
I can help you with?

No.

That covers it.

See you around.

Hm.

Hey, what's your name?

You're right.

I don't want to wade
into controversy.

I don't want to make the end
of that man's life about me,

or about us.

You're making
the better choice.

I do want to send

his son the letters
that he's written to me

over the years.
They're increasingly eloquent.

He deserves to have them.

They're in the drawer.

Oh, not this one.

That one.

This one's for
non-prison pen pals.

♪ quiet uneasy music ♪

♪♪♪

Yo, Derrell, have you had
your break today?

- [laughter]
- [sighs] That's McDonald's.

[laughter]

♪♪♪

Gina says she's not coming
to see Dad.

Her own brother?
Why?

- Mom, Mr. Pickles wrote back?
- [Trice] Uh-huh.

- What'd he say?
- [Trice] He's not coming.

He sent back all the letters
your daddy sent him.

Guess he don't want them
no more.

He invited us to dinner.
Some Chinese restaurant,

- though.
- I hate Chinese.

Told you not to get
your hopes up high.

That's where your daddy
fucked up.

He's still my dad.

And here's what you won.
Chicken lo mein.

Well, maybe if we just
tell him--

Tell him what?
Your father

killed four white women
with red hair.

That's a credit score of 8,000.
Tell him what?

Tell him why.

Ah, Derrell, they don't care

why he did it.
He did it.

Now come on.

Mama needs your help.

Here.

This is
for BlackPeopleMeet.

[camera shutter clicks]

He's over there.

Oh.

Sorry, Will.

[sighs]

Yo, Phil.

What's it like, having a dad

who's a psychic pedophile?

Do you mean psychotic?

I mean he's a pedophile
who molests children,

but can see into the future
and knows he won't get caught.

Oh, you do mean psychic.

[children exclaim]

Ask your dad
if he saw that coming.

[children chattering]

Here.

Your nose is bleeding.

My sorrys.

Thanks.

[principal] We're suspending
Phil for three days.

[Jill] I hear the other kid
started it.

[Jeff] Three days
sounds appropriate.

♪ somber music ♪

♪♪♪

- [Jill] Come on, honey.
- [Phil] I told you,

he wasn't calling me names.

He was calling you names.

Well, if I hit someone

every time they called me
a kiddy creep,

you'd be visiting me
on death row.

I was trying to defend you.

PB and J are ready
to teach about opposites.

[Jeff]
Wow, look at that.

Oh.

I... can't talk with...

peanut butter in my mouth.

Hey, kiddo.

[Jeff] That's my new book.
Comes out next year.

I earmarked a chapter for you.

I want you to read it.

Read it carefully.

Okay?

Hey...

Will said something to me
about you giving him $100,000.

[Jeff] Oh, yeah.

So, Phil,

you got a girlfriend yet?

I'm 12.

Well, you know,
the first girl

that I ever had
a crush on--

her name was Cookie,

and I wanted to kiss her
so bad, it hurt,

but I didn't want
to tip my hand.

One day, I read
a fortune cookie, and it said,

"Something delicious
is gonna happen to you"--

I'm paraphrasing,
but it was a sign,

so I wrote her name
on the back of the fortune,

and that was all it took.

I dated her
all through the sixth grade

and then again in the Navy.

What was middle school
like for you?

They organized us by height,
and then they let

the tallest one
teach the class.

You should try out for lacrosse

and get out
some of that aggression.

I want to, but Dad won't let us
play contact sports.

He'll only let us play
Little League.

Baseball can be
a contact sport too.

Just slide with the spikes up.

The Honeybee Conservancy.

"Imagine a world

"without food or flowers.

"We are a nonprofit that works
to sustain bee colonies

"and ensure the future

of our most precious
pollinators."

Ah, I'm so proud of you.

This is so important.

Well, right now,
I'm just donating,

but when I get older,
I wanna

get my hands dirty,
like Aunt Deirdre does.

♪ lively Spanish music ♪

♪♪♪

- [man] Hi.
- [Deirdre] Hi.

Miss Piccirillo, welcome back.

Looks like we have you
for seven days

in the Queen Victoria suite.

Thank you, Julietta.

I'm sorry.
No hablo.

Oh, I'm just asking
if you want

indica or sativa.

Oh...

♪♪♪

[coughs]

♪♪♪

[laughs]
I can't get up.

♪♪♪

Belize!

[siren wailing distantly]

♪ tranquil music ♪

♪♪♪

[man] Enjoy.

Mr. Pickles,

- please, enjoy.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Before we enjoy
this delicious meal

with our new friends

Derrell and Latrice,

I--Phil.

[Jeff]
Please?

I'd like to say that

sometimes,

it takes
a terrible circumstance

to bring good people together,

and I would like to tell

the both of you that

the Pickles family
is your family.

All right.

So Darryl, how old were you

when you started watching
Puppet Time with your dad?

It's Derrell.

Oh, okay.

[Latrice] He never seen
Puppet Place,

or--or whatever.

His dad never seen it, either.

Oh.

[Latrice] But he liked
hearing about it,

and he liked talking
with you, Jeffrey.

You really think
you can't go, huh?

Well, it's not a matter of--

Thank you so much
for understanding.

This kung pao looks spicy!

[Jeff] Mm.

I'm really glad you're with us,
Derrell, and it's nice--

What's it like, being the son
of a mass murderer?

Phil!

What?

You said ask good questions.

Where are the bodies buried?

[Phil] Has he seen the meme
of his dad

wearing parachute pants
with the caption saying

"It's hammer time"?

Philip...

[Derrell] It's--
hey, it's all right.

[Derrell] It's all good.

He was a real good artist.

He could've been a cartoonist
for The New Yorker.

Instead, he was
a high school dropout

and an unlicensed mechanic.

[Derrell] One day,
a man came into the shop,

noticed my dad could draw.
His name was Arnie.

He was a reporter
for The Columbus Tribune.

Said Pops might have a shot
freelancing for them.

Pops waited by the phone
for six months,

but never got a call.

He was 23,

married, with a kid,

and a busload
of parking tickets.

The tickets piled up.

It was like, what,
$3,000 to get the car back.

No one in my family's ever had

more than $1,000
to their name at any one time.

You know, my dad goes to court,

tries to fight it, loses,

and then, on his way out,

guess who he runs into?

Arnie.

Asked my dad, "Hey,

why didn't you follow up?"

How was my dad supposed to know
that following up was a thing?

Dad gets on the bus,
and he

gets out at Wendy's
to have a hot meal.

♪ somber music ♪

He saw those corners
on that bacon cheeseburger,

and he didn't want corners
on his cheeseburger.

He just wanted a normal,
round hamburger.

But she wouldn't give him
a normal hamburger.

And he just snapped, man.
You feel me?

[Derrell]
We don't live how you live,

so we don't know
what you know,

so we can't move
how you move

to get what you got.

And all my dad wanted to hear
before he go

was that you think
he can draw good.

Draw well.

Come here.

You're hurting my arm.

That boy has every reason
to ask

for everything,
and doesn't.

You have no reason
to ask for anything,

and you can't keep
your mouth shut.

Learn how to keep
your mouth shut.

You hear me?

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles]

So I talked to a colleague

about the lethal injection
drugs they use,

and it turns out,
they're painless.

♪♪♪

♪ somber music ♪

♪♪♪

That's because you don't see
who he is.

You just see who you want
him to be.

I just want him to be
a normal kid who listens.

How's he supposed to listen
when you're screaming at him?

That was not screaming.

He doesn't listen
because you don't listen.

[Jeff]
I listen all the time!

And I think that you don't
listen because if you...

[Jeff] I am
incredibly interested

in everything
that happens to our children.

Sometimes, it's hard
to be him.

Remember who his father is.

[sighs]

[door slams]

Now's the time
to ask me something,

if you got something to ask.

Why Jeff Pickles?

[laughs]

Ten years ago, I wrote letters
to three people:

Bill Clinton, Charles Barkley,
and Jeff Pickles.

Only Jeff Pickles
wrote me back.

Sometimes, the characters
write to me.

The fly is my favorite.

Flies eat shit.

He eat shit
every day of his life

and still finds a reason
to be happy.

[chuckles]

You think Jeff's gonna make it?

Yeah, probably.

I don't know.

Well, we both know
I'm not going to heaven,

but sometimes,
I think that... if I'm lucky...

I might end up
in Pickle Barrel Falls.

Way Jeff describes it,

sounds like a nice place
to live.

Excuse me.

[clears throat]

Is Derrell here?

♪ somber music ♪

♪♪♪

He's being asked
for his last words.

♪♪♪

Will we get to hear them?

Normally,
there's a microphone,

but it's broken.

♪♪♪

[no audible dialogue]

♪♪♪

[gasps quietly]

♪♪♪

Mind if I join you?

[sighs]

[sighs]
We can talk, or... eat.

None of those things...

The boss says
whatever dish you order,

he's gonna name it
after you.

Well,

- that's a pickle for a Pickle.
- [waitress laughs]

I really want
franks and beans, but...

I guess if kids order that,

it's not a very healthy choice.

[Jeff]
I guess I'll have a salad.

You don't want anything?

Did he--

did he have, like, last words?

I couldn't hear him
through the glass.

It looked like he said
"I can't wait."

I don't know
what that meant.

Maybe you do.

Yeah.

I do.

[sighs]

Thank you for going.

It really meant
a lot to him.

He didn't have a lot
of friends.

What do you think
makes people snap like that?

Like he did?

Everyone has a breaking point.

Yeah.

I feel you.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to be there.

Derrell,

where do you want to be?

♪ warbling electronic music ♪

[sighs]

♪♪♪

[laughs]
Whoa.

- That's Launch Pad Lake.
- Mm-hm.

Can I touch the rocket?

Yeah, but don't push
the red button.

We just had the roof fixed.

- You serious?
- Derrell.

How do you do?

[Derrell] How do you do?

My name
is Sebastiano Piccirillo,

but everybody calls me
Seb Pickles.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Pickles.

They call him other stuff too.

You're fired.

I'm gonna go push
the red button.

Come on, Phil.
Smile.

♪♪♪

- [boy] Throw home! Throw home!
- [cheering]

Phil, don't!

♪♪♪

[Jeff] Put your seat belt on.

♪♪♪

Seat belt!

[Phil] It's on!

♪♪♪

[phone ringing]

♪♪♪

Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time.

[Derrell]
How can I help you?

♪♪♪

Please hold.

♪♪♪

[panting]

Come on.
Let me take you home.

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