Original subtitles

[clock ticks]

[bang echoes]

[ticking grows louder]

[Derren Brown] Now, this moment, right now...

is all there ever is.

[happy, jazzy tune plays]

Any book on happiness is likely to tell you to set clear goals

on what you want to achieve and then work towards achieving them.

The problem is, it doesn't really work.

You might become a millionaire by the time you're 40,

but then you realise you haven't been able to sustain a happy relationship,

or when it doesn't work out you feel lost and you blame yourself.

When we live for our goals, we forget to live now.

The philosopher Alan Watts made the point

that when you listen to a piece of music you don't just skip to the end

because that's where it all comes together.

You don't just read the last chapter of a book because that's the climax,

yet in life we're obsessed with endings.

So you study for these exams, so you can go to this university,

to get this job, to work your way up to, what?

Eventually, you reach some position in your 50s and you think, "Is this it?

Is this the thing? Is this what I've been working for?"

And you forget that maybe life should be more like a piece of music,

and you're supposed to be dancing.

[music ends]

-[cheering and applause] -Hello!

Good evening! Thank you very much.

Talking of the future, here's something for the future, a black envelope

with the number 16 mysteriously printed on the front,

which I'm going to give to you, sir. What's your name?

Chris.

Chris. Take it, Chris. I'll get it off you at the end. Don't open it.

-Don't let anybody take it off you, Chris. -[laughter]

So it's not just the future that we tend to fixate upon, it's also the past.

We tend to dwell on our past and we think that it somehow defines who we are.

But our pasts are just stories that we tell ourselves in the present, yes?

When we say, "I'm this sort of person because this happened to me."

Or, "I'm a lucky person or unlucky person."

Whatever it is, they're just stories.

And we can be more sceptical of those stories if it helps us.

See, if this were the start of a film and it said "based on a true story",

you would know that the events that were going to happen in that film

were not real events exactly as they happened,

but a tidied-up version with a neat beginning, middle and an end.

You'd be naturally sceptical.

In the same way you come and see this show. You know that I'm going to sometimes

sell you a story that isn't quite true, cos that's what we've agreed to, yes?

-[laughter] -You are naturally sceptical.

We forget to apply the same natural scepticism

to the most important stories we have, the ones we tell ourselves every day

about who we are, and we can choose to change those stories.

So we'll play with stories. There's an usher going around with a pen and paper.

I want two of you to grab a pen and paper. I won't ask you up on stage, don't worry.

So, please do it, and then we're all going to do a brain fart together.

This is a little exercise just to clear your mind of your initial thoughts.

I'm going to be asking you to think of lots of things during the show.

Don't want you all thinking of the same things, right?

So everybody do this. Imagine you are looking at the front page

of a Sunday newspaper.

Alright? Imagine it's from weeks and weeks ago, so you're not distracted by

any topical events, it's not about that.

And then as you look at this front page, just let any three words

just float out of the text at you, any three random words.

Alright? Make a mental note of what they are. Do that for me.

Those of you with a pen and paper make an actual note of your brain fart words.

Everybody else, on the count of three, shout out the words you just thought of.

Ready? One, two, three.

[audience shouts different words]

Some of you secretly hoping you were going to shout the same three words.

One night you will and I'll end the show there, that'll be it.

Great, good. That was your brain fart exercise.

Hopefully, your mind is now cleared of your initial thoughts.

Now we're going to make up a story. We'll do this through a game of consequences.

Do you know this game? Normally, you write a bit of a story,

fold it over, next person writes the next bit, but haven't seen what you've written.

You keep going. You end up with a mad story. So we'll do a version of this.

Anyone got a three-foot balloon? Perfectly round, looks like a globe? No?

Not one of you? Don't worry I have one.

[laughter]

So somebody grab the balloon and we're going to start off a game of consequences.

Stand up with it, please. Up you get. Lovely to meet you. Up you get, up, up!

[applause]

Hi. There should be an usher with a microphone.

Ah, there it is. You got it. Thank you so much. Hi. Hello, what's your name?

-Caroline. -Caroline.

I've based a 20-year career on essentially two skills.

Firstly, the ability to pluck a thought from your head.

Secondly, the ability to get one into your head. That's what we'll do now, Caroline.

-Are you ready? -OK.

So, Caroline, I'm going to ask you to give me a character for a game of consequences.

I'm already thinking of one.

And I'm going to try and make you say the one that I want you to think of.

Right? So you could say someone famous, as long as they are really, really famous.

So, Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, somebody that we'd all know.

Or it could be fictitious, like a made-up famous character.

Superman, right? Daffy Duck. Boris Johnson.

-Whatever you like. -[laughter]

Don't think of the ones I've said. Think of your own one, Caroline.

-Can you think of one? Yes or no? -Yes, got one.

Have you got one in your head? OK, great.

-Who is it? -Mickey Mouse.

Mickey Mouse, right? Mickey Mouse, great. Thank you.

So we have our character, Mickey Mouse. Those of you playing with pens and paper,

write down your own character, anyone you like,

then fold the paper up and pass it along to the next person.

Caroline, you're going to try and get the balloon upstairs to the next level.

-Ooh, somebody catch it up there! -[laughter]

-Go on! Yes! -[audience cheers]

-[applause] -Beautifully done. Thank you.

-Hi. What's your name? -[Scottish accent] Grant.

"Grant", I think you'll find it's pronounced.

[laughter]

Grant, so now I need an object from you. Something a character could hold.

Of course, now you know what I'm doing, trying to get an object into your head,

so you'll start to think of the opposite of what you think I want you to do.

So the moment I hold my head and say that,

you'll think, "Maybe he wants me to go for something around a head?"

So I won't say a head or a hat or a wig,

I'll go for an item of clothing, like socks or shoes. That'll catch him out.

Weirdly, you can become more predictable the more you try to catch me out.

I want you to think of the one thing you don't think that I want you to think of

and then say that, Grant. Alright?

So holding what? Anything you like, anything in the world. Go on, say it.

-Pencil sharpener. -A pencil sharpener.

Thank you so much. Mickey Mouse holding a pencil sharpener.

Those of you playing with pens and paper write down your own object,

fold the paper up, pass it along to the next person in your row.

OK, Grant, give it another throw. OK?

Thank you. Grant, you can sit down. Somebody stand up with it.

Catch it and stand. Up you get. Up, up, up!

-[applause] -Up!

-Er, what's your name? -Alison.

We're after another object. This time something a character could sit on.

-Anything you like, go, say it. -Dog bed.

Dog bed. Perfect, thank you.

A dog bed. Alright, never mind.

Those of you playing with a pen and paper write down an object,

something a character could sit on, fold it up, pass it along to the next person.

Alison, give it another throw. Keep it downstairs for the last one, please.

A good throw. Great!

Excellent throw, somebody catch that downstairs and stand up with it, please.

Great. Oh! Up you get. Oh, you'll be perfect. Stand up for me.

Let me see you. You'll be amazing. What's your name?

Caroline.

Caroline again! Excellent, good.

I need you to finish off the story now with something a character could say.

I don't think I need to work to get this in your head. I think it's already there.

So it's something a character could say. Not a word,

but like a phrase or a catchphrase or a slogan.

Alright? So those of you playing with the pen and paper write something down,

something a character could say. Don't worry that it's Mickey Mouse

holding a pencil sharpener. It can be anything you like.

And says what? Go!

"G'd day, campers."

"G'd day, campers." Great!

-[laughter] -Keep hold of the balloon.

"G'day...

campers."

From the well-known Australian edition of Hi-de-Hi! Good.

Stay right there. Those of you playing with the pens and paper,

you've written down something to finish off the story.

Fold it up, pass them down the aisle.

Can somebody hang on to both of them, please, for me?

Caroline, you're going to get yourself up here with the balloon.

But also, I want you to go and collect the stories too.

So if you work your way round the back, you're going to grab...

grab the stories and then bring everything up here.

Give her a big hand as she comes up. Caroline, everybody! First person up!

-[applause] -Very exciting. Oh!

As Caroline does this...

Something I should say as she does this, no stooges used in the show.

This is so important, no stooges. No one's playing along.

Grab the stories, Caroline. Have you got them?

You've got them? OK. Give her another hand as she comes up. Lovely to meet you.

-[applause] -Hi.

Come and stand here. Lovely. You've got the stories?

Great. So look, I was trying to influence you, Caroline,

and the other people that caught this balloon

to tell a particular story one line at a time.

I was not trying to influence the people that wrote these down.

So just to show you that this story really could have gone anywhere,

could have been anything, we're going to read out one of these stories.

Just open one up. If they haven't done it, we'll read out the other one.

Keep hold of the balloon. It'll be funny watching you struggle. So open one up.

If they haven't done it, we'll read out the other one.

Otherwise, we'll stick with that one. They have done it.

Nicely done. I'll take the other one off you, so we don't get confused.

Do you want to read...? OK, that is the weirdest brain fart.

[laughter]

Three random words... Just read those out into the mic.

-Private, court, blender. -[laughter]

Private, court, blender. What weird, dark place does that come from?

Alright, never mind. Let's do the story.

So do you want to give us the character, please? First of all?

It's Camilla Parker Bowles.

[he laughs] Camilla Parker Bowles, very good.

Camilla Parker Bowles, holding?

A small dog.

A small dog.

-Sits on? -A cucumber.

[laughter]

I did not expect that from a London audience.

-[laughter] -Have some respect for the monarchy.

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. Sits on a cucumber and says...

[laughter]

"You've grown since I last saw you."

[laughter]

[applause]

Oh, Christ!

-"You've grown..." -[laughter]

"Since..." Is it, "Since I last saw you"? "Since I last...

saw... you."

Excellent story. Well done.

That's a particularly fine example of anywhere that it could have gone.

In fact, I think I will keep that one as a souvenir. Great, alright.

So, I wasn't trying to influence them, but I was trying to influence you

and the other people that caught this balloon to tell a story, a line at a time.

There is something inside the balloon, Caroline.

-If you shake it, can you hear it? -Yep.

If you hold it up and look, you might even be able to see it. Can you?

It's just a bit of paper rattling around inside, just there.

-Yep. -Lovely.

So, Caroline, if you hold it out for me like that in your left hand, so like that.

Straight up, but so it hangs down rather than out...

Then just scrunch it up a little bit, so it doesn't move around too much. Great.

And I'm going to give you this.

-[audience] Oh! - Oh, yes.

So you're going to pop the balloon and then pick up the piece of paper.

You all need to watch where the paper goes, cos sometimes it ends up going

right under me or under here or off the stage, or right to the wing.

So, go on. I'll keep out the way. Pop the balloon, go.

There it is. I hope some of you saw that. Pick it up for me.

And bring yourself back to the microphone, thank you.

Right.

Don't open it yet. Drop the balloon on the floor.

Hand me the pin, so you don't harm either one of us. Thank you so much.

And we'll do this one line at a time.

Opening it, like a game of consequences, right?

Lovely, one little bit at a time.

You're going to read out just the top section.

There you go, alright go on.

"I'll ask the people who catch this balloon to make up any story."

Any story, alright? Any story. And this is what you said.

You said, "Mickey Mouse, holding a pencil sharpener, sits on a dog bed

and says, 'G'day Campers.'" Alright?

You really could have said anything, and that last bit came out of your mouth.

You could have said anything, anything at all.

I hope that all absolutely felt like free choices. So, yeah, go on, keep going.

"This is what I will try to get into their heads."

OK. This is what I'll try and get into their heads.

Go on, nice and slowly, take it one line at a time.

-"Mickey Mouse". - Mickey Mouse.

Let's just enjoy this feeling as it sinks in.

[laughter]

This was in the balloon as it was bouncing around. Mickey Mouse...

-"Holding a pencil sharpener." -A pencil sharpener.

"Sits on...

a sun bed."

Wanker!

[laughter]

A sun bed.

And says...

[laughter]

"G'day, campers." -G'day, campers!

Thank you so much! You were lovely. Mwah!

Thank you so much. You can sit yourself back down. Caroline, everybody!

-[cheering and applause] -Let's get somebody down from the top.

Ooh, yes!

Great, good, lovely!

Nearest lady get yourself down here. Get yourself down here, madam.

Quickly. Thank you so much. Thank you, wonderful.

Thanks for coming all the way down. What's your name?

-Sarah. - Sarah, hello. Come and have a seat.

I've booked us a little table for two. Hope that wasn't too forward.

Sit yourself down. Are you OK with apples, Sarah?

Yeah.

Yeah. Would you take a few bites for me? It's actually quite important. Thank you.

Great, you can head back up to your seat. Thank you so much for coming down.

-Joking. Water? -Oh, thank you.

-[laughter] -Cheers, Sarah.

Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming... It is Sarah, isn't it?

-Yes, it is. -OK, right.

So, Sarah, here is a little risk.

Can you take the shade off that bulb? It lifts straight up and off. Hand it to me.

Thank you. Real light bulb?

-Definitely, a real light bulb. -Thank you so much.

So I want you to take the bulb out now. So turn it off first.

Lovely. You can use your napkin. If you pull... No, use your napkin

-to grab it out of there. -OK.

And then... Yeah, it's a bayonet, so push down, twist and then lift up.

-OK. -There you go! Perfect. Nicely done.

Put the bulb on the napkin in the middle of the table.

And then, if it's not too hot to pick up, can you pick it up and bang the glass

a few times on the side of your plate so they can all hear it's real?

[plate dings]

Even louder?

-[light bulb smashes] -[laughter]

That's never happened before, but maybe you don't eat that apple now.

-It's real glass, yes? -Yeah!

Yes, I really thought that... Normally, that can sustain quite a whack.

Alright, great. So let's, erm...

Can you put the broken bulb...

[laughter]

..inside the napkin for me, in there?

And wrap that... No, actually put it properly inside.

Yeah. No, no, in... If that makes sense, lovely.

Wrap the whole thing up.

Wrap it up and then smash it.

OK. Thank you.

Sarah, lovely. Being very careful to keep the bits of broken glass in the middle,

do you want to just slowly open this, so we can see it on the table?

Alright, fantastic.

From an early age, we're conditioned to find the sight of broken glass scary.

Because we know we're not supposed to touch it, cos it's dangerous.

So I want you to touch it. I want you to pick up a piece.

You can go for one of these or for one of the ones that broke on your plate.

I don't mind, but maybe not this massive, massive piece here.

But, nonetheless, it doesn't have to be a tiny piece either.

Just pick up a piece, carefully. Alright.

Now I want you to have a proper look at this.

I know you're not going to put it in your mouth or shove it in your eye,

but can you just bring it up close and have a look at it like that.

And I want you to verify for everybody that that is real solid glass

with solid sharp corners and edges?

-Yeah, definitely. -Yes, thank you.

Now hold it in your left hand for me, like that,

and then slowly we're going to take this piece of glass

and hold it in front of my face.

Now, Sarah, slowly and carefully and steadily

will you take that piece of glass now and place it on my tongue?

OK.

At the moment, the sharp bit's...

kind of pointing up...

into my soft palate and I'll try and turn it over,

so they point down into my tongue.

OK, that's no better. Alright.

And then I'm going to try...

to eat it.

[crunching]

[coughs]

Now, if you think about this... [coughs]

the risk is obviously increasing.

I've been doing this show about 350 times.

[laughter]

It's going to go wrong at some point.

I could cut myself quite badly. There'd be a lawsuit against you,

if I had to cancel the show, for the loss of earnings.

It's not like you signed a waiver or anything.

Sit forward for me. Mind your elbows on this glass.

I want you to, if you can, just sort of rest yourself on the table a little bit.

Now look, Sarah, it's very easy when you're on stage to kind of slightly forget

what you're doing or feel you have to sort of play to an audience a little bit.

I need you to really pay attention now to what you are doing,

in particular, that you follow my instructions to the letter

and that you don't jump ahead at any point.

Pick up a piece of apple.

Right, bring your head forward, open your mouth wide.

Stick your tongue right out, right out.

Don't tell yourself, "This is dangerous. I'm gonna cut myself. This is awful."

Tell yourself this is fine and then take it in and close your mouth.

I want you to move the glass between your molars, your teeth at the side there.

Alright, take your time with it. Keep your mouth closed and then crunch into it.

[crunching]

Now, again, tell yourself this is fine, take a bit of apple.

Eat a bite of apple with it. This is how I learned to do it.

What happens is... Take a big bite, big bite.

The apple mops up all the bits like chewing gum.

Now, you can slowly start to chew everything together.

You're not going to let a great big, sharp, shard of glass

cut into your gums or cheek because you can feel where everything is.

If there is a sharp bit, you'll just keep it flat, bring it back to your teeth

and crunch it down more.

So take your time. The apple soaks everything up, mops everything up.

You end up with a sort of sandy, appley, kind of mulch.

Don't swallow anything at any point, right?

Have another little bite of apple with it.

Now, when you feel like all the big bits have been crunched down

and you can't feel any big bits anymore,

you're going to take some water and swill everything around.

Again, you're not going to swallow. I will, but I don't want you to.

Just a swill round. So do that for me when you feel the big bits are gone.

OK, don't swallow yet.

Now listen, it is safe to swallow as long as you've crunched all the bits down.

Alright? It's also safe to be in your stomach

because you took some apple first and that lines your stomach.

So as long as you've crunched down all the big bits...

-[laughter] -As long as you've done that,

don't tell yourself, "This is horrible, this is dangerous, I'll cut myself."

Tell yourself it's absolutely fine, I can do it, and then swallow everything down.

-All gone? -Yep.

All gone, amazing! Sarah, well done. Stay right there.

-[applause] -Good!

Congratulations. You're the first person to do it. Well done.

Well, it's just dangerous!

Here we are, take some water back with you.

Now, can you fold all of this back up into the middle?

Yeah.

And then drop the whole thing in here, I want you to keep it.

There you go.

And I'll sign it to you.

-It's Sarah with an "h", is it? -Yes.

Yep, OK.

Two reasons why I want you to have this.

First, so you can spend the rest of your life checking that was real glass we ate.

But more importantly, the next time you're faced with a worrying decision or a risk

that you're fretting about, you can look at this and remember you took a big risk.

You ate a big chunk of glass in front of 2,000 people.

Nothing bad happened. You were fine.

Now I don't know, but I presume before doing it,

you didn't imagine you would do something like that in front of all these people.

So, in some tiny way, that story that you tell yourself about yourself

has just changed and for the better. So, congratulations.

Take that and take the water as well. Give us a kiss.

You were lovely. Thank you so much. Mind how you go. Straight down there.

Sarah, everybody!

[applause]

This should go without saying but I do have to say it,

particularly as we're filming it tonight, don't go home and start doing that.

Alright? You do need someone to talk you through it. OK.

Let's get a guy up here. Let's say a man aged between 18 and 30 for this.

But don't come up if you're over six foot. That's the limit. Somebody grab that.

A guy between 18 and 30? Do you want to get yourself to the bottom of the steps?

Roll your sleeves up as you come up, just roll your sleeves up a bit.

-Bring yourself here. What's your name? -Arthur.

Arthur. Give Arthur a big hand. Up he comes. Thank you.

Hello. Up you come. Give me that Frisbee, we'll get rid of that.

Lovely. Come and stand over here, about, sort of...

There, Arthur, would be great. Lovely. Just there. Turn and face me.

Put your hands out like that. Thank you.

So, Arthur, I'm going to give you two 50p's. Lend you.

-Lend you two 50p's -[laughter]

Alright, hands flat, please. I'm going to try and grab one of these coins from you.

Your only job is just to grab the coin before I take it. Make sense?

Now you can always do that more quickly than it will take for me to grab it.

So if you have a practice now, of course, you can close your hand

before I can grab it, so this isn't about speed.

Although I will do it quickly. It's about manipulation.

I am going to manipulate you each time into letting me take the coin, alright?

Also I will explain to you all, and you, how I'm going to do it before I do it.

So that you can take something away and have a go at this yourself.

So I normally do this five times.

I think, looking at you now, I'm going to try this six times.

And we'll see. Yes, and we'll see.

Alright, so hands flat. The first technique will be misdirection.

Misdirection, classic misdirection.

Lower your hands a little bit. You understand what we're doing?

Great, then let's begin. One!

So quick you forgot to applaud. I understand.

-Classic misdirection, erm... -[applause]

We practised with this one.

I was looking at that one and I went for the other one.

Your attention's on the wrong side. It's a very well-known technique.

The second technique though is not as well known. It's called an offbeat.

Now do you know what an offbeat is? It's that! It's a timing thing, alright?

It's doing it in kind of an unexpected... Thank you.

An unexpected moment, an offbeat.

Offbeat. There's another one. Same thing, but we won't count it.

That's an offbeat. The third technique is conditioning.

Conditioning, which essentially means that by this point

Arthur is so... [laughs] ..ready and poised and tense,

waiting for me to take this coin that he forgets about the one in the other hand.

He's conditioned to expect it to come from that hand.

You're doing great by the way, you're doing great.

[laughter]

OK, you're doing great.

Just back a bit into your palm. Great. So the next technique is compliance.

I realise there's a whole bunch of stuff you're trying to do at the same time here,

making it complicated - trying to grab the coin, second guessing which I'm going for.

You're also trying to deal with the rising aggression that I know you're feeling,

which may explain the rash on your neck, which you should probably get looked at.

So would it be easier for you, and I imagine it would be,

if we got rid of one of the coins in one of the hands?

So you only had to worry about one coin and one hand. It's got to be easier, yes?

Yeah, great. We'll get rid of that one then.

That's four. That's classic compliance. I nod my head, he nods his head.

Suddenly, we're the best of friends and you forget that you hate me

and you're trying to protect the coin. So that's compliance, coin number four.

That's five.

[laughter and applause]

I don't know what that's called. You can relax for a bit, drop your hands a bit.

You're doing great, and don't tell yourself you're going to fail.

There's only one left. Don't tell yourself you're going to fail.

Again, that's just a story we tell ourselves, isn't it?

It's just a story and this idea that those stories define us,

in other words, that it isn't really events that cause our problems,

but more our reactions to them.

This all goes back to a Roman philosopher called Epictetus.

2,000 years ago. And Epictetus also gave us another great piece of advice,

which I find helpful every day.

Epictetus said there are things in your life that you're in control of,

and then there are things in your life that you're not in control of.

So if you stop trying to control or change things

that are not under your control anyway,

you will remove a whole load of pointless frustration and anxiety from your life.

Right? He added to that, there are only two things that you are in control of.

Your thoughts and your actions.

That's it. So everything else -

what other people do, what they think, what they think of you, how they behave -

you can't control any of that, anyway.

So if you stop trying to, if you stop trying to fix it or change it in some way,

if you just decide anything on that side is fine and just let it go,

nothing bad happens.

You just feel better. You feel happier.

You feel relief, like you've put down a heavy case of bricks. It's good advice.

This is how you can win this on the last one.

Bring your hand back out. So just come... That's right.

Come back to where you were, hand back out for me.

Do you remember at the beginning when you weren't worrying about what I was doing,

you had no problem doing it before I could grab it?

Now you're trying to second guess what I'm doing and then, of course, it throws you.

So forget what I'm doing, just go back to what you're in control of.

Your thoughts, your actions, your desire just to keep hold of that coin.

So I'm still going to try and get it, of course, but, nonetheless,

just focus on what you're in control of, your desire to keep hold of that coin.

When you do it, when you close hand, keep your hand closed.

Alright? Whatever happens just keep it closed. Lower your hand a bit to there.

That's fine. Take your other hand out of your...

Ooh! OK, that was so quick, I've no idea if I got it or not.

Can you tell without looking, have you got it? Have you got it?

-You have? -Yeah.

That would be really annoying on the last one. Turn your hand over,

so you don't look, just turn it over like this, OK.

I'm going to look at my hand first because I think I can feel it.

OK, I have got it. I have got the 50p.

So I did take it. So if I've got the 50p, what are you feeling?

Turn your hand over and then slowly open your fingers.

That last time when I took the 50p out,

I placed into your hand a little commemorative coin.

It says "Derren Brown: Miracle" on one side...

[laughter]

And "thank you for taking part" on the other!

Thank you so much, Arthur. You were fantastic.

Thank you. You can sit yourself back down. Arthur, everybody!

[applause]

Beautifully done. Thank you, Arthur.

Thank you. So this urge to control things that are not under our control,

like the forces of life and the universe,

lead to any number of supernatural belief systems,

as well as the billion dollar industries that support them.

Let's get a lady up here, please, a lady.

Thank you. Round of applause for this lady. Thank you so much. Up you come.

[applause]

-Hi. What's your name? -Sofia.

Sofia, lovely to meet you. Up you come. Let's get rid of that for you.

You look lovely. Up you come. So, Sofia, come and have a look at this.

-I have six brown paper bags. See them? -Yes.

Yes? And then, if you follow me round the back here,

I also have a nail. This is an eight-inch nail... Ooh, careful.

-It's alright, I'll get it. -Sorry.

-It's OK. -[laughter]

It's clumsy, but endearing. Never mind. Get round here.

So, look, a solid eight-inch nail. If you touch the end of that,

-that's a proper nail, yes? -Yes.

So the bags all have wooden blocks in them.

If you show the camera, you'll see the blocks are all the same size and shape,

so to move the bags round, they'd all feel the same. Thank you.

They've got holes through them and through this one I am going to place the nail.

Now, Sofia, could you please - and carefully now -

because you have established yourself as clumsy...

-[laughter] -With two million people watching on TV.

Just with the palm of your hand, could you do that for me?

And just verify one last time, that is a real solid, sharp nail, yes?

-Yes, it is. -Fantastic, thank you.

So this goes in there. Take a little step to the side for me.

-It is Sofia, isn't it, not just Sophie? -Sofia.

So, Sofia, I'm going to mix this bag up and I want you to lose track of which...

of where it ends up, so face the other way, close your eyes, so you can't see.

I'll mix them all up. I'll block your view as well,

so, hopefully, you'll all lose track of where the nail ends up.

And as a little treat, in the audience, you will get a quick glimpse there

of my twin pert peaches as the camera pans around.

OK.

OK, Sofia, you can turn back round now and look.

OK, you can't tell where the nail is, can you?

-No. -No, perfect.

Now you're going to mix them up and, erm...

And you're going to put them in a line.

Give them a little mix and into a line like this. So take your time.

Mix them up and then into a line across the table and then we'll all be set.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Done? Oh, perfect.

Beautifully done. Thank you very much. Lovely.

So, Sofia, I'm going to pass my hands now over the bags

and I'm going to try and randomise this as much as possible,

but whenever you want me to stop, give me a very clear tap on the shoulder.

And I will slam my hand down on that bag that you chose.

And we'll do this five times in a row,

leaving one bag untouched.

OK, so what I'm going to show you now has been banned in 16 countries.

And to give you an idea of why it's been banned, I'm going to play you some clips.

[laughter]

Now in each of these clips it goes wrong and it's variations on the same theme.

It's often done with paper cups instead of paper bags,

but in each clip you'll see either the performer or the person doing it with him

gets a nail through their hand.

I can't watch this, but please enjoy.

[laughter]

[audience groans]

[audience groans]

Needless to say, I feel nothing but confidence.

[laughter]

Playing with a lady who has already established herself as a clumsy cow.

[laughter]

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me by still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

And he leadeth me in the path of righteousness

in his name.

And, yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

yet I will fear no evil,

for thou art with me.

Thy rod and staff comfort me.

[audience gasps]

[laughter]

Thou preparest a table before mine enemies.

Ooh!

[audience gasps]

Thou anointest my head with oil.

[audience gasps]

My cup runneth over.

[audience gasps]

It's one of those two.

[laughter]

Surely goodness...

[laughter]

We'll do that again.

[laughter]

Surely goodness and mercy

will follow me,

all the days of my life.

[laughter]

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

-Well done! -["Hallelujah Chorus" plays]

Take a little step to the side just there for me.

You were amazing! Come here. Congratulations.

You were absolutely fantastic, Thank you so much. Mind how you go.

Sofia, everybody.

Thank fuck for that.

So I first saw that stunt performed in a church in America

as a dangerous demonstration of the...

Followed by another dangerous demonstration,

which the pastor called "private court blender".

[laughter]

Or whatever that person wrote for their brain fart.

A dangerous demonstration of the power of the Holy Spirit to protect his minister.

And, when I saw it, exactly the same thing happened that happened tonight with Sofia.

The lady that mixed it and, obviously, like Sofia, could have mixed the nail

into any one of those positions, right? Could have ended up anywhere in the line.

But it also happened to be in the third bag along when she did it.

The fact that it was in, like, bag number three was taken as further evidence,

further proof, of the Holy Spirit at work

because bag number three represents the Holy Trinity.

Father, Son, Holy Ghost, bag number three. Explain that, Richard Dawkins!

I discovered this minister when I was researching for a TV show

that I made, called Miracles For Sale,

which some of you may have seen. None of you here tonight?

But some people somewhere may have seen.

That programme went out on Channel 4 in 2011,

and it looked at the eccentric world of evangelical faith healing.

Now, I'm quite an outspoken atheist.

As far as I'm concerned, it's all a big scam at the expense of the Church,

but when you put all that to one side,

a couple of things still really surprised me about these events when I went to them.

First of all, when you go, you see things that are extraordinary

and you wouldn't see them on any other stage anywhere in the world.

And secondly,

for plenty of people there, they are going through

a genuinely transformative, even life-changing experience.

So...

[laughter]

Without selling you a belief system

and without pretending I can cure cancer,

I think I can give you that experience tonight,

and heal you.

Stand up.

Up you get. Everybody up, up, up, up! Feet flat on the floor. Stand up.

-[fanfare plays] -OK.

So we're playing some cheesy music to make you smile.

Everybody make a picture of an ideal version of yourself,

everything you want to be, and make it so the picture makes you feel amazing

and notice how good it feels. OK.

Good. And now do this.

Imagine somebody takes that picture and they pull it back.

They stretch it back, like it's on a catapult aimed right at you.

You ready? Release!

And as it blasts through you, breathe that feeling

back through the whole of your body. Now do this...

Picture something that normally makes you feel bad.

It's like your brain goes, "No, not that! This!" and it releases again.

And your brain is now releasing opioids

and adrenaline is coursing through your veins, and they remove pain.

They remove the experience of pain, so if you had pain in your body,

notice now that it has gone.

If something has changed, if the pain's gone, I just want to find out what it is.

So come out from your rows and just walk around.

Get yourself up against that line there. I want to find out what has happened.

What has changed. If it was round your head, neck, shoulders,

then move your head from side to side, or your shoulders, whatever you need to do.

Check the pain's gone and you've got more movement. Maybe down your back.

Maybe pains you've had in your stomach all your life that have now just gone.

Just come and line up against there. If you're upstairs, thank you so much.

Notice how much easier the stairs are now.

Come and join these people. This is your one chance, you will be pleased you did.

Come and line up, come and join these people at the side.

We've got a long, long line of people. I think more than I've had before.

It goes right up the side of the stalls here

and it goes along the back to what looks like about halfway along.

It's a bit difficult to see. We've got a long, long line of people. Alright.

[music stops]

So up until this point I've been using psychological techniques,

secular techniques, to get you into this state.

From now on,

I'm going to use the language and the trappings of the evangelical world

to make this work.

This will be a little odd at times, might even feel a little uncomfortable,

but bear this in mind because it's important.

Everything I'm going to show you now between now and the end of the show,

I have seen.

I've seen on these stages around the world performed by pastors and preachers

as powerful proof of the healing light of God.

So let's begin.

[whispers] And bring this healing into this room and these people here tonight.

Show them, Lord. Thank you for...

[indistinct whispering] Amen. Thank you.

Alright, I want to talk to someone who's had a healing.

So the first person come up. Just come up here.

Hello. Thanks for being brave. What's your name?

Gerty.

Gerty. Come and stand here, Gerty. Come and face me.

Tell us in your own words what's happened.

-I broke my back a year and a half ago. -OK.

So you've had a year and a half of pain and discomfort there?

-Yeah, quite a lot. -What's happened tonight?

Yeah, I guess it just... Standing up felt pretty breezy.

-Is there a sense of flexibility? -Yeah.

-Feel pretty good. -Yeah. See, this is a real thing.

Feet together, look at me.

Jeremiah 33:6, the Lord said, "Behold, I will give them healing and cure.

I will cure them and I will reveal to them an abundance of peace and truth."

And, Gerty, I want you to let that abundance of peace and truth

heal you now! Let it take you back like a golden light

and spread through you, bringing its release

and its relief wherever you need it.

We thank you, Lord, for your healing power here tonight.

Let it move and spread through you, Gerty.

Enjoy it as it brings its softening and its relief.

You can come back to us. Let's bring her back. Take a moment.

Up you come. Now this has got to feel good, hasn't it?

How does that feel? That's got to feel a lot different, hasn't it, in your back?

That was actually very different to how I normally feel standing up.

-Yeah, it's... -It's amazing, isn't it?

You can sit yourself down there. Let's give the Lord a mighty hand of praise!

And I want to... I want to hear mighty handfuls of coins

dropping into those collection buckets as we pass them around.

I'll show you something I saw performed by a pastor in Fort Worth, near Dallas.

We filmed with hidden cameras and he took someone like Gerty, that he'd never met.

Could tell her where the healing was happening. It was extraordinary.

He didn't need to ask. It was as if the Lord was just showing him a light

on their body where the healing was happening.

So somebody else get up here, but don't tell me, don't give me any indication.

Stand here for me. Don't let me know where the healing is. What's your name?

-Again? -Shannon.

Shannon. Stand right opposite me here, Shannon. Again, we don't know each other?

-No. -No. Unlike a lot of these healers,

I don't use stooges or plants. Also, Shannon, not that it would help me anyway,

but could you check that there's no kind of earpiece or anything in there

-that could feed me any information. -No.

-Nothing there either? -No.

Also I'm looking at you.

I'm not trying to sort of read your signals or anything like that.

This is... the Lord now showing me.

(whispering) Thank you, Father. It's Shannon here tonight.

[indistinct whispering]

It's your right knee.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[laughter]

There's a light there. There's a physical shift that's happened in the knee.

-It dislocates, doesn't it, normally? -Yeah.

-Oh, God. -[laughter]

And you've had this for years? This isn't just... For, like, years you've had this?

So you tell us, what's happened? What's happened now? What's the difference?

I don't... I...

It's hard. My knee dislocates a lot

and yesterday I banged it on the Tube and it was really sore.

And I complained to my mum about it and it doesn't feel sore anymore,

-but it did when I came in. -Yeah, I can imagine.

Is there some movement? Just show us something that normally would hurt.

-That you wouldn't be able to do. -Yeah.

-So there's no pain now doing that? -No, no.

This is a wonderful thing. This is a real thing. And, Shannon, take this now

and let that move and spread through you and bring its release as you need it.

Release and relief through the whole of your body. We thank you, Father.

We give you the glory, we give you the praise.

We thank you, Lord, for your healing energy here tonight.

We thank you, Father, we thank you, Lord.

She's got a look of absolute bliss on her face.

I wish you could all feel how good this feels as it moves

and spreads through you, Shannon. Let it spread through the whole of your body.

Let's bring her back. Up you come. Take a moment. I've got you. Up you come.

-How's it feeling? -It's so weird.

-It is weird, isn't it? -Yeah.

What's it like at the moment? Is there any feeling? Like a numbness or a...

-No. -Or a tingling or..?

It feels stronger than my other knee now. It feels really strange.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it? Why don't you sit yourself down there?

Someone say, "Hallelujah for the Lord!"

And I want to see notes now drift into those buckets.

No measly coins. Just 20's and 50's for the Lord.

Get yourself up here, sir. Oh, look at this!

You've got a golden light around you. You're surrounded with a light.

You are surrounded with a light. This is a powerful healing. Come and stand here.

-Your name? -Sam.

-Again, we don't know each other, Sam? -No.

Thank you, Father.

-The healing's here, in your chest. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -You've had maybe two, three weeks

of pain here and restriction, a kind of a tightness.

-Yeah. -What's it like now?

Er, butterflies instead.

-Butterflies? Tingling. -Yeah. Yeah.

It's what I was mentioning there. And you can... [sniffs]

When you breathe it's different, isn't it? I can see it, there's a whole...

-It's not restrictive. -Yeah, take a full breath for us.

So how long have you not been able to do that for, a few weeks?

-About two weeks. - Do you know what it is, what caused it?

-It was a viral infection in my heart. -OK. And now?

Now...

-It's... good as new. -Wonderful.

But there's more happening here, because you are surrounded with a light.

Let me get the case out for Sam. Stay right there. Alright, so many of you

have come down. We've got a line all the way along the back and round there

to about halfway along the back of the stalls.

More than have ever come down. I would love to have you all up here

and hear from you your testimonies as to what has been healed.

I'm not going to have enough time. I may be able to talk to three more people.

But thank you so much, particularly if you came all the way down from the top.

But I'm going to ask the rest of you now to go and take your seats

and comfortably watch the rest of the show. Please give him a huge hand.

Thank you so much, thank you so much for making the effort.

But you three, I'll get you up here. Up you come.

Thank you so much. Hello. So you see those three seats over there?

Alright? Do you want to take the seat on the left?

So, the one on the left. If you go in the one on the middle. Hi. What's your name?

-Morgan. -Morgan, what's changed?

So when I was younger I had a riding accident and I fractured my neck,

and so since, on and off, I've had quite a bit of pain for a number of years.

So, not just a bit of strain at work, this is like a proper thing?

-No. I've had it for a number of years. -So you've got more movement?

-Mm. -It's a wonderful thing. Thank you.

-And what's your name? -Natalie.

-Natalie, what's happened? -I broke my ribs in July.

And if I take a deep breath or bend over too much,

they really hurt, and now they're just kind of...

-Take a breath. No pain? -No pain.

Sam, come round here for me. You're going to try and lift this case.

So try and stand over it. Put one leg over it, face me.

So you're straddling it and take hold of the handle. Maybe take a little step back.

Now listen, it's very heavy, so keep your back straight,

bend your legs, just try and lift it straight up. Yeah, go on.

No, it's not going anywhere.

OK, you may think later on I'm not really giving him a chance.

I am going to give you another chance, Sam. Put everything you can into it.

No?

No? OK. The devil has taken away his strength.

That and the fact if you look, Sam, you will see...

Full of bricks. No one's ever been able to lift it.

So don't worry, no shame in that. If you haven't held one brick for a while,

they are surprisingly heavy, alright? OK.

So, look...

Sam, take that, face the front, close your eyes and accept this now.

Lord, you are our song, our strength and our salvation.

You give courage to the weary, you give strength to the weak.

This healing that you've started in Sam's chest,

let it now move and spread and expand through him

as a powerful new strength.

Breathe it through you, Sam.

Feel it expanding across your chest and your shoulders.

This is a mighty strength. This is the Lord's holy might,

bringing its release and its power through the whole of your body.

Feel it down your spine, down your legs to your feet, down your arms to your hands.

Breathe it through you as it expands across your chest and your shoulders.

This is the Lord's holy might, enjoy it. Open your eyes. How does it feel?

-Refreshing. -It's good, isn't it?

Bring yourself back to where you were and take hold of that handle.

Now don't try and lift it, just take hold of the handle.

Everybody else, start a slow hand clap.

-[audience clap] -OK, now look at me, Sam.

I only want you to try and lift it an inch, alright?

Slowly. Just enough. Now keep your back straight, bend your legs.

Just an inch, go slowly, slowly, go on!

Good. Now can you bring it to me? Bring it to me, Sam.

Bring it to me, bring it to me, bring it to me! Amazing! Bring it to me.

Bring it to me, bring it to me, bring it to me! Drop it down!

Hallelujah, Sam! Congratulations!

Sit yourself down there. Let's give the Lord a mighty hand of praise!

I want to hear your hands reach in and pull out your credit cards for the Lord.

Don't forget to fill out your expiration dates on those forms.

[laughter]

Someone's tinnitus has just gone.

Someone had tinnitus and it has just been healed.

You need to check and then let me know where you are.

Stick your hand up, and if I can't see you, can people point you out?

Someone's tinnitus has just gone.

Yeah, up here.

I'm so sorry. Ah, right up there! Sorry.

How long had you had it for?

About ten or 12 years.

Ten or 12 years? You know what tinnitus is, yes?

That persistent ringing in the ear. It's a horrible thing, and you've checked it?

-And it's gone? -It's gone.

It's gone. Ten, 12 years of tinnitus gone, up there on the balcony.

-[applause] -There are further lights.

We thank you, Father. We thank you, Lord.

We give him the glory, we give him the praise.

There are further lights down here. There are lights of healing.

Let's go out, let's go out.

Here.

There's a light of healing here. I don't know if it's that lady there.

It's sort of around here somewhere. Father, show me.

Show me, Lord. Give me... Who's...? Give me a name, Lord, or something.

Kim? Is there a Kim?

-It is you? It is you? -Yes.

Bring yourself out. Come out here for me, Kim.

OK, just bring yourself up here, Kim. Thank you. Just turn and face that way.

-We don't know each other, do we? -No.

No. I don't know why I've been brought to you.

I'm going to ask the Lord why he's brought me to you, where this healing is.

Thank you, Father. Show me, Lord, where this healing is happening.

And, Kim, it's...

Thank you, Lord. You tell me if the Lord is telling me right.

-It's around your neck and your shoulders. -Yeah.

Yeah. How long had you had the pain for? It's been very stiff and very tense.

Yeah, since I started in an office job, about six years ago.

Six years? And right now, how's it feeling?

It just feels different. I used to feel like it was squished up

and now it feels soft. It's weird.

It is weird, isn't it? It's a wonderful thing.

Feet together. Face the front for me. Thank you, Kim.

We're going to continue this healing now. Father, heal Kim!

And I've got you, as this moves through you and spreads through you like a light,

bringing this release and relief as it starts in your neck and your shoulders,

and continues to move and bring its release,

and spread through your body.

It's a wonderful thing.

There's a healing here. There's a light here.

Er...

Lucia? Lucia, is this you?

Up you get, up you get.

[he speaks in tongues] This is the gift of tongues!

I'm being given your healing in tongues.

The Lord said, to all those who believe, he would give the power to cast out demons

and the power to talk in tongues. He also said in the Book of Corinthians,

one person will always interpret those tongues. It's you! Come here.

-What's your name? -Donna.

Donna, come round here. I don't want Lucia seeing what you're doing.

Just come and stand sort of somewhere there for me. OK, alright. Yes or no?

-Do you have the Gift of Isaiah? -No.

-No? Do you know what it is? -No.

Then how do you know you haven't got it? I give it to you now.

Close your eyes and accept this.

Father, bestow upon Donna the Gift of Isaiah.

It's the gift of interpretation.

The Lord will reveal to you the meaning of these tongues.

[he speaks in tongues] The Lord will reveal this to you.

I'm going to give you a pen and paper.

Open your eyes for me. I'm going to give you... I don't want Lucia seeing this.

So if you take the pen and paper. It's a crappy bit of paper. Forgive me.

You're just going to do, like that, just like lines and squiggles,

and whorls all over the paper, you can cover the whole thing,

but let your hand be guided, let the Lord guide you, feel your hand being guided.

Then let's just have a look at this. We'll see how the Lord is guiding her.

Stop now. Let's let the camera see.

Move the pen away. OK, is that... Does that mean anything to you?

-No. -No. OK, that's... Yeah, understandably.

[laughter]

Why don't you go and take the paper? I'm not going to touch it. It will something.

It will mean something because the Lord has guided her hand.

The Lord said not to touch the paper, so I won't touch it. You take that.

Let's get it up on stage and have a look. Donna, I'll take the pen back from you.

The Lord said they're not cheap, so thank you.

Up you go, Lucia. We'll have a look at this.

Thank you so much, Donna. Take a seat, that's great.

We'll have a look at this on stage, under the Lord's holy light.

Father, show us the meaning of this. This means nothing to you, you're saying?

-No. -Show us, Lord, what this means.

Show us why you guided Donna's hand in this way?

The reason why I think this is garbled is there's more than one healing happening.

There are several healings around your back, correct?

Yes.

There's a trapped nerve in the base of your back that causes you pain?

Yes.

I think there's a healing for somebody else here as well and I think that's why

this is so garbled. Anyone you're close to you would hope would have a healing?

-Yes, my partner, Chris. -Your partner, Chris?

Can I ask what's wrong with Chris or what part of him, or what his condition is?

-Yeah, he had a hernia. -OK.

I think there may be some relief for Chris here and his hernia.

Lord, show us if there is relief here for Chris too.

Show us a sign. Thank you, Father. Look at this.

[Lucia] Oh, my God.

The Lord is raining his blessings down upon Chris now.

Take this to Chris. He'll be feeling the Lord's relief right now.

Take that to him. Thank you, Lucia, you can sit down.

We are standing on holy ground tonight, ladies and gentlemen!

We are standing on holy ground!

And one of you here,

one of you is to receive an anointing,

a powerful anointing... from the Lord.

No, somebody's eyesight is being healed. Wait one second, let's go out.

Anybody get a programme? I'll grab that. Thank you so much.

One of you is being...

Ah! Your healing is complete. You can get up. Up you come, Kim.

-[laughter] -Kim, how is it? Are you feeling?

-Sleepy. -Sleepy, but it's good, yeah?

All the pain gone? Wonderful, sit yourself back down. Thank you so much.

Somebody's eyesight is being healed here.

OK, I want to get this right.

Ah!

Come out here. Here it is.

I was looking on the wrong side. Come here for me. What's your name?

-Danielle. -Come and stand here for me, Danielle.

Come and stand there. Take your glasses off for me. Thank you. Let's have a look.

Wow! The Lord has his work cut out tonight, alright.

Could you hold Danielle's glasses for me? Thank you, sir, be careful with them.

Grab the mic for me, Danielle. So, if you've got a brochure, turn to page...

Four. That's quite a good one. There's lots of little writing on it.

It's the little writing we'll look at. If you have a brochure turn to page four.

Can you, yes or no... Can you read the small writing without your glasses on?

-No. -Can you read this paragraph any clearer?

-No. -No, I don't imagine you could. OK.

Take the brochure as well. Look at me. Your name again, Danielle?

Danielle, we're going to heal your eyes. Do you believe in God?

-I do. -You do? You ever had any real proof?

-No. -No? OK.

Well, going to give you proof now. Close your eyes and accept this.

Lord, heal Danielle's eyes.

It's happening now. So, the optic nerve is being repaired on both sides,

but there is more damage on the left than the right.

And that smile confirms that Danielle knows that too.

There's quite a lot of damage that's just being undone right now.

Satan take your hands off this woman! I command the devil of blindness

to leave Danielle's body in the Lord's holy name!

And it just finished. You can open your eyes.

Let's have a look. Thank you. Does it look any clearer to you?

Fuck me sideways!

[laughter and applause]

So...

I take it there's a clear improvement?

[laughter]

Can you.. You couldn't... Can you read any of these words now?

"Many hotel soaps are so small they may

mysteriously vanish during the act of showering."

Effortless. And this paragraph here you couldn't read either.

"Remembering to come back and turn off the shower if you've been out for a walk."

This is effortless. Your eyesight is healed. You don't need these anymore.

You can throw those glasses away. Danielle, congratulations!

It's a miracle, ladies and gentlemen! Her eyesight is healed!

Wait. Wait!

Wait. One of you is sceptical.

[laughter]

One of you is... It's you!

-What's your name? -Andre.

Andre, you don't really believe the Lord just healed Danielle's eyes, do you?

-Not really, no. -We have a doubting Thomas in our midst,

ladies and gentlemen. The Lord has a powerful lesson for Andre tonight,

about faith and belief. Get yourself up here, Andre.

You've seen, alright, this...

this lady here with a year and a half of pain across her back,

and just cured, just suddenly healed.

And this lady here, with your knee, wasn't it? And still you don't believe.

I took from Danielle the devil of blindness and, Andre, I put it in you now.

-[laughter] -The Lord removes your ability to read,

just for long enough to teach you a powerful lesson about faith and belief.

The devil resides in you until I release it again.

It's done. Open your eyes. Do you feel any different?

-No. -Do you feel like you can still read?

-Perfectly, yeah. - Great, well, we'll have a look.

Face the front, thank you. So if you've got a brochure, let's go to page...

page six, there you go.

So now, look, big writing on page six, right?

So hopefully more of you can see that there? Can you see that?

You can make sense of that there, yes? And you can see it there too, yes?

Can you put your thumbs up if you can read that? Alright, great.

We'll get it on the screen. The word at the top, what does that say, Andre?

-What have you done to it? -Nothing, just try and read it out.

Just try and read it out. You can read it? I haven't done anything to it.

-You can read that, yes? -It looks like the letters are mixed up.

Well, can you try and pronounce it?

-Can you read it? -T-b-hurritumajer.

OK, maybe that's difficult. We'll do another one. There you go.

Page 15. We'll do page 15, right? You can read this on the top? You can see that?

You can see that there, yes? Yep, they can see it.

And on the screen. The word at the top. Try and say it, just try and pronounce it.

-Z-berg-er-ba-ti-jer. - And then this one here?

[Andre laughs]

Go on.

Mm-te-ger-bug-ol.

You're doing great. Here we are. Look, one last one.

That's a word. You can read that, can't you? What does that say?

-Thighs. - Again?

-Thighs. -Thighs?

-Thighs. -Thighs?

We need to look a bit more carefully at your sitting, Andre. OK, Lord,

restore his eyesight so that he can read your word, Lord,

and give witness to your miracles here tonight. The devil is released.

-One more time, Andre. What does that say? -Thanks.

Thanks! I give thanks to you, Lord! We give thanks to you, Andre.

You can sit yourself back down. And he goes back to his seat

a committed believer, ladies and gentlemen!

A committed believer! And one of you here is to receive this anointing.

A powerful anointing. The anointing of the Lord as the Holy Spirit.

And it flows like a river of love

from the throne of grace through the hearts of believers.

Bringing the gift of life to all those who receive its touch.

And one of you is to receive it now. Tuck your feet in and then sit forward.

Bow your head for me. Thank you, Gerty, and close your eyes.

Be ready to receive a blessing. Do the same, Shannon.

Thank you. Sir, you can keep your eyes open.

This anointing is for you. Come and stand here in the middle.

Come and stand here. So one foot there, one foot there.

Thank you, that's lovely. Bring your head down.

Be ready to receive this blessing. Hands by your sides.

So important that people know we don't know each other. Your name again?

-Damian. -Damian.

-Yes. -Perfect. Damian...

-[laughter] -What do you for a living?

I'm in the Air Force in Australia.

I haven't asked you where your... Oh!

I can see where the healing is. It's in your... It's here in your lower back.

Yeah.

-You've had about a year of pain there. -Correct.

What's it like now? What's happened tonight?

I feel a lot looser and flexible.

You've got more movement, more flexibility? No pain?

Yep, no pain and a lot more feeling of confidence in myself.

Wonderful. This is just the start. Turn your palms forward like this, Damian.

Now close your eyes and be ready to receive this anointing.

If you're ready, I want you to nod your head so I know you're ready. Good.

It's going to feel strange, Damian, like a golden light moving through you.

The Lord wants you to sit with him on his throne at the right-hand side of God.

Bring your head back. Get ready to receive this anointing, Damian.

And receive it now! And it lifts your heart and it flows like a river of love

from the throne of grace through the hearts of believers,

bringing the gift of life!

I've got you all the way down, to all those... All the way down!

All those who receive its touch.

Those of you seated in the chairs, come back to us. You can open your eyes.

Come back to us. Please, open your eyes and now head back to your seats.

Would you please head back for me? Thank you, the five of you.

Thank you so much, thank you for coming up.

Now, Damian, you are to take something with you tonight.

A change, an important change, not just at the physical level of healing,

that will be whatever it is, but more importantly,

at a level of something you're going to learn,

more importantly something you're going to learn tonight

which you're going to take with you into the future.

And as you look into the future now, Damian, it looks really good.

It looks colourful

and it feels good.

Now come back to us and open your eyes.

Up you get.

Look at me.

-Feel good? -Yes.

Yes! You can go sit yourself back down. Thank you so much, Damian.

And he goes back to his seat with a song of victory in his heart!

[applause]

Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody.

If there's an usher there, I just want to grab a few watches from somebody.

If you've got a watch with a second hand, if I could borrow two or three. Thank you.

Alright, if you've had a healing here tonight, that's a wonderful thing.

And that release and that relief can stay with you.

But if you are taking pills for something, you need to continue to take your pills.

Or if you've got a condition that needs checking out, do get it checked out,

and maybe don't throw your glasses away quite yet.

Danielle, you may still need them at some point.

The miracle here is not the healing power of the Lord

or magic tricks, or floating people in the air.

The miracle is the fact that a lifetime of chronic pain...

can just disappear in an instant

when we tell ourselves a different story.

The moment you entertain the notion

that a healing might be moving through the room,

those symptoms can just go.

And that is so much more beautiful and resonant to me

because it isn't about the power of God, it's about the power of us,

as human beings, so it's real.

That's a miracle.

Here's another miracle.

The fact that you are sat there right now.

The fact that you specifically are sat there, that you are

specifically you, as opposed to you being someone else,

some other permutation of DNA.

What are the chances you even exist? What does that even mean?

What is that? One of your father's 12 trillion sperm with half your name on it,

just happening to collide with one of your mother's thousands of eggs

with the other half of your name on it.

That's just your parents having you. It had to be specifically your grandparents

having specifically your parents too.

You've got to multiply those odds down every generation

of human or humanoid kind.

You are undeniably at one end of your very own perfect,

unbroken ancestral chain that starts with you

and goes right the way back to the very first single-celled organism,

seven billion years ago.

That is a miracle.

And we can remember that when we tell ourselves we're a bit fat

or our lives are a bit rubbish. This is the one life and the one body we have.

We can tell ourselves a different story about it at least.

We can be kinder to ourselves...

and therefore to others as well because we're all doing it.

We're all telling ourselves those unhelpful stories, all of us.

Everyone you meet is dragging around their own heavy case of bricks.

Hard to remember all of this, I realise, when you're just trying to get ahead

and get through your day and...

get to the thing you're trying to get to, and I think what's important though

is sometimes when we remember...

is to mentally stop time

and return to that present moment,

and how we're treating ourselves and each other in that moment.

Because it's only the present moment that has the power

to be utterly compelling

and rich and vibrant...

as if that moment...

were you're first.

[clock ticks]

Or as if...

it were...

your last.

[clock stops ticking]

You are the miracle.

Goodnight.

[cheering and applause]

[music plays]

Oh, wait, sorry! Can we cut the music for one second?

Cut the music for just a moment.

You know what affects those stories, of course, more than anything?

The stories we tell ourselves every day about

what we care about, what's important,

what our opinions are, ultimately who we are, is the media.

Right, they literally sell us a story every day.

Newspapers are worse at it than anything.

And you know what the worst newspaper of them all is for doing this?

-[man] The Daily Mail. -Famously. The Daily Mail.

Specifically The Mail On Sunday.

Does anybody have a copy of The Mail On Sunday on them by any chance?

You do, cos I gave you one at the start of the show. Get the envelope out.

I'll take it back, thank you. You haven't opened this?

-No one's taken it off you? Thank you. -No.

Still sealed. Great. Number 16 still on the front. Good.

Thank you for that, Chris.

We think we're forming our own opinions, right? Making our own decisions.

This stuff is getting in our heads every day.

Or, specifically perhaps, every week, every Sunday.

This is The Mail On Sunday.

This is not the current one. This is from November 8th, right?

I choose a different one for every night. I have used this one before.

And bear this in mind, every night before doing this show,

I have to go through over three months worth of Daily Mails and Mails on Sundays.

Have you any idea how fucking depressing that is?

Every night! Look, this stuff gets in our heads all the time.

This is the country's most read Sunday newspaper.

The Daily Mail is the country's most read daily newspaper

and The Mail Online, get your head round this,

The Mail Online is the most looked-at newspaper website in the world.

The Mail, in the world.

Get your head round that. It's getting in our heads every day.

When we think we're making our own decisions.

Remember, at the start of the show we did the brain fart exercise

and we had the weird, the slightly weird... What was it?

What was the one over there? Private...?

-[audience] Caught, blender. -Thank you. Bit of a strange one.

But, remember, I said do it like looking at the front page of a Sunday newspaper?

I said make it from weeks and weeks ago so you're not distracted by topical events.

Well, here is one from weeks and weeks ago, the one I chose for tonight.

And, right here on the front page,

the very first word of the article capitalised there is "Private".

Yes? And then, look, right in the middle of the article there "caught". "Private".

"Caught". And up here on the right, top right,

an advert for "this superb blender". This stuff gets in our heads!

It gets in our heads! It feels...

Thank you.

But it feels so fair, doesn't it? Like... Oh! Oh, like...

Like, at the start of the show, when we're bouncing a balloon around the audience.

Remember this? We came up with this story for consequences.

Camilla Parker Bowles holding a small dog.

I'm so pleased we're filming it tonight, cos I don't think it's ever going to hit

quite as on the nose as it has tonight.

Camilla Parker Bowles holding a small dog, you said. Look, look.

The number 16 on here refers to page 16 in that newspaper.

Page 16, I've already got it bookmarked, so I can open it straight to it.

If you do find a copy from 8th November, there it is, page 16 is what you want.

And the story on page 16...

Thank you!

..is led by...

a picture of Camilla Parker Bowles

holding a small dog!

[cheering and applause]

Now... admittedly,

she's not sat on a cucumber in that picture...

[laughter]

..which was the next thing you said, although, although...

if we pull out a bit, that article is sat on another article

about the British cucumber-growing industry.

And, wait, wait, hold it back! And says,

"You've grown since I last saw you."

That was the end of the story. I draw your collective attention

to the headline at the top of that page,

"You've grown since I last saw you, Charles"!

He's had this for the whole of the show. It gets in your head!

It gets in your head,

and it feels so... I tell you something...

I tell you something that got in my head.

Three months ago, when I called up The Mail on Sunday

to place an ad in the back, in the personal section.

Alright? Remember the game that we played with Sofia,

the lady that came up and the bags,

and one had a nail in, and, do you remember, she mixed them into a line?

And she could have put the nail in any position in that line.

And tonight, she put it in bag number three. Remember that? The Holy Trinity.

Father, Son, Holy Ghost. Tonight, she puts it in bag number three.

Obviously, any night it goes in a different bag, right?

Here is my prediction for tonight.

"The nail will be kept in bag number 3".

Wait. "And another bag will be knocked off the table by a clumsy cow".

Thank you so much for coming!

Goodnight!

[cheering and applause]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, people at the top!

Wow! Thank you so much!

Thank you for coming!

Goodnight!