All language subtitles for Crazy Ex Girlfriend s04e07.eng

Dude. Previously
onCrazy Ex-Girlfriend...

I get it. You love me.

But the way you show your love

is so messed up.

We're not right for each other.

And we never will be.

I don't know why I can't have
that closeness with anyone else.

Well, you could try
being nicer to people.

NATHANIEL: You think
I don't know that I'm a jerk?

I don't want to be like that.

My mother told me who to be.

NAOMI: Nothing is going to ruin
your future.

I sacrificed my dreams for you.

You want that promotion,
don't you?

REBECCA:
And I went along with it all

because I told myself
they weren't my choices.

This guy can meet you
at a bar in 20 minutes.

Go for it. What are those?

Oh, carpal tunnel.

REBECCA:
In another context,

you'd be great, but you're
not a healthy choice.

Are you finally moving out
of Hector's mom's house?No, she's awesome.

You got to move out
of her house. Enough.

Se acabó. Basta.

I don't want to be
a lawyer anymore.

I'm thinking of calling it...

Rebetzel's.

I would love to try

and help you and any of
the other women in here.

So, what do you guys think?

♪ Meet Rebecca

♪ She's the coolest girl
in the world, wait ♪

♪ Wrong Rebecca

♪ It's this one over here

♪ She's spunky, she's sweet,
a generous friend ♪

♪ Oh, but there
she looks kind of mean ♪

Hmm.♪ Okay, she's snarky

♪ Sarcastic and a...
What? ♪

♪ You know, we're not really
seeing a common theme ♪

♪ Meet Rebecca

♪ She's too hard
to summarize ♪

♪ So let's go back
to Other Rebecca. ♪

[barking]

[lock buzzes in distance]

So, I complete the work skills
program by Friday,

then I get my certificate,

and then I can go ahead
and file for sentence relief.Exactly.

Okay, perfect.And Nicky, I talked to
your public defender,

and you will be hearing
about your parole

in the next couple days or so.

Good. Talked to my work.
They said they'd take me back.

Just kind of want to get back
to my life, really.

Don't worry, you're getting out
of here. It's just a formality.

Um, oh, I won't
be here next week,

but my friend Paula's
subbing in for me.

And she's not a lawyer yet,
but she will be,

and she loves the law.

Hmm, should be
a nice change of pace, then.

Yeah, sounds like a step up.

Yep.So, where're you going?

Oh, it's-it's boring.
My mom's being honored

by this Jewish charity
back east,

and I haven't seen her since...

oh, I tried to kill myself,
got a diagnosis,

pushed a guy off the roof
and went to jail,

so she doesn't know the truth,

and it's time
to tell her all that.

Wait, so you're gonna
tell her everything?

Yeah. I figure
if I'm honest with her,

maybe we'll finally have
a better relationship.

Hmm.

Rebecca, I have a question.

So, last week you said you
were going on the dating apps.

Did you meet someone,
and did they think

the whole jail thing
was hot or weird?

I'm asking for a friend.

The friend is me.Okay.

You don't tell people
on dating apps

that you've been in jail.
Come on.

Well, old Rebecca
might not have mentioned it,

but, like I said,
new Rebecca is honest.

Totally honest.

"Recovering from recent
suicide attempt.

Have been known
to stalk my exes."

Wow, that is an
honest profile.Yep.

Look, lying is bad for me.
It's a slippery slope.

I tell one little lie,
next thing you know, jail.Okay.

I think it's okay
to lie sometimes.

You know, on my profile
I don't mention

that I get gassy from gluten

or that my back handspring
needs work.

Hey, you know, maybe I can
find you some good people.

You've swiped for me,
I'll swipe for you.

I've been out there a while,
so I'm kind of an expert.

[scoffs]
Sure, knock yourself out.Right.

Well, here are some obvious nos.

Weird facial hair,
iguana on shoulder,

thumb ring.So many thumb rings.

Oh, here's a good one.

Kind face, good smile.
Swiping yes.

[phone dings]

Oh, a match. Check it out.

Really?

Oh, my God, that's Jason.

I've been on a date
with this guy. He had, um...

right, these greasy,
smelly balls.

Uh, what?

No, uh, stress balls
for carpal tunnel,

but he was fondling them
all night.

You know, this guy,

he never got a fair shake
from me.

Mostly 'cause
I was obsessed with you

and stalking you
and trying to ruin your life.

I'm just being honest.

Mm-hmm.Huh.

I still have this guy's number.
Maybe I'll text him back.

Well, cool.
If he makes plans in advance,

that means he likes
you. Oh, yeah.

Usually it's same-night hookups,

and if someone is not into you,
they cancel last minute.

Trust me, I know these things.
[chuckles]

[sighs] It's brutal out there.

Thanks again so much

for letting me stay here
while you're out of town, Becks.

I'm not sure where to go

now that I've moved out
of Hector's mom's place.

Oh, yeah. Congrats
on that, by the way.

I was too embarrassed
to go home,

so I'm sleeping at the YMCA.

Don't listen to the song.
It's not fun to stay there.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.[sighs]

Well, happy to have you here,

and I'm sure you'll find
your own place soon.

Yeah.You know,

it just occurred to me. Have
you ever lived on your own?

Oh, yeah. In New York.
I mean,

I shared the apartment
with my landlord's mom,

but we had our own rooms.

Wait, didn't you and Hector's
mom have your own rooms?

Cool. Okay, so, some things

you need to know
about the house.

Uh, Wi-Fi password
is "525,600minutes."

Trash goes out on Thursday.

I left some frozen Rebetzels
for you in the freezer.All right!

Oh, and feed
Estrella once a day.

The fish flakes
are right there.

[clicks tongue]
Right by the tank.

That's it. Okay.
You know what,

no matter what happens with
my mother on this trip,

I am so excited to see
some fall foliage.

I really miss East
Coast seasons.

We have seasons in L.A.

T-shirt, sweatshirt,
puffer and tank top.

[chuckles] Okay. All right.[chuckles]

Have a good time.
Don't wreck the place.

[scoffs]
Wreck the place? Me? No.

I'm the clean one.
Hector's mom was dirty.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.[door closes]

So, what should we do first,
Estrella?

Can I call you Estrella?

Cool. I'm Josh.

Whee!

Want a pretzel?
Get you a pretzel.

BOTH: One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb war.

Ready?No, ready, begin.

Hello there, Tim and Jim.

Want a doughnut?
[clears throat]

I told the man

to put the most fattening ones
in there.

They're free,
and they're for you.

Ooh, don't do it. It's a trick.

Oh, is this like the time I
tried to make the elevator

and you pressed
the close button, yelling,

"Take the stairs, lose a few"?

Let me be honest.

I've been going through
a lot lately.

Hideous breakup.

I spilled some ashes on myself
and learned how to cry,

so now I'm just... I'm trying

to be a nicer...

kinder, gentler guy.

Okay?

So... cruller?

Take a bite! Come on.
[chuckles]

Mmm.Mmm.

Enjoy.

I'm telling you,
he's up to something.[sighs]

PAULA: Maybe we should just
take Nathaniel at his word.

Maybe he legitimately
wants to be nice.

Ugh.Oh.

Yep, something weird
is definitely going on.

[whispering]:
Damn it.

Okay, I need to sneak out,
and I do not want to deal

with whatever psycho thing
is going on

with him right now.

Will you and Tim cover for me?

[breathes deeply]

Okay.

So, my eldest,
he wants to play the tuba

in orchestra, and I'm like,

"Get an instrument
that's gonna get you laid."

I-I played the snare,
and I lost my virginity

to my high school band
teacher. [chuckles]

No, no, no, no, no, not like
that. I was 26 at the time.

So, uh...
Is that, uh,

too late? Too-too early?

[elevator bell dings][chuckles] It was right on time

for me.

[squeals]

[shrieks] Hi!Guys, I'm here.

Hi!You're here.

[chuckles] Hi.Hey.

Hey, welcome, hey.Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, come in,
come in, come in. Look.

Look at this place.

It's so tiny.

How much are you paying
for this again?

Eight grand a month.

You know, in New York,
that's a steal.

And we have a guest bed.

No. Oh, my God. [laughs]Totally.

It's the coolest thing.Wow.

So cozy. I love it.

Oh, yay![chuckles]

Guys, thank you so, so much

for letting me stay
with you, really.Yeah.

Last time I stayed
with my mom, she drugged me.Whoa.

Oh, it's a long story.
I'll tell you sometime.[phone chimes]

Oh, hey, sexy stranger.

Sorry, it's this guy Jason.
Uh, we matched online,

and I guess we're gonna go
on a date when I get back.

Oh, great!BETH: Yeah.

Huge relief.
You got to get laid.

Valencia says that all the time.

Oh, so you guys, uh,
talk about my sex life?

That is so sweet.
I love you both so much.

[groans] All right, I guess
I should go see Naomi and...

tell her the truth,
the whole truth

and nothing but the... Yeah.

Hey, V, are you busy today?

Why? You need
some moral support?

[knock on door]

I've been waiting for hours.

I'm only, like,
ten minutes late.

Late is late.

Cool. Great to see you, too,
Mom, after, like, a year.

I brought my friend Valencia.
You might remember her.

You've got a nice figure.

What do you eat,
and when do you eat it?

Please write this down for me,

'cause I'm always looking
for tips.

Now, this event,

let's review the details.

Hey, before we do that, um,

there are some things
I think we should talk about.

Did I mention that Elayne
Boosler is introducing me?

Oh, uh, wow.

Who?

Elayne Boosler.

It's...Um...

One of the great Jewish

female comediennes of all time.

Hmm.Hmm.

You got your Totie Fields,

your Joan Rivers,

your Fran Drescher,

and then you got
your Elayne Boosler...

who just so happens to be

a close and personal friend
of mine.

We're friends
from Jewish summer camp.

We went to Camp Kavetcha.

You've heard of Camp Kavetcha,
of course.

Oh, yeah, yep.
Yep, yep, yep.Why would she have heard...

Rebecca, this event is massive.

Everyone who is anyone

in the Northern Westchester
Modern Reform Jewish community

[choked up]:
is coming.

Including Elayne Boosler.

Right. And that's
very cool. So...

hey, Mom, before we start
talking about the event,

um, there are

some... new things I
would love to tell you

about my life, and I
would just love to...

get 'em out there.

Okay.
[clears throat]

Is that why your friend is here?
Moral support?

And you want to talk
about what?

Your suicide attempt?
Your mental health crisis?

How you pushed

some Harvard kid off the roof
and then tried

to plead guilty for some fakakta
reason and went to jail?!

What? You think I don't
have a Google alert for "Rebecca Bunch"?

You think that I am not
reading the comments section

of the Daily Covina?

So you know
about all this, then?

None of this was a surprise.

I knew you weren't
in great shape

when we saw each other last,
and I was worried.

But when I read you made
an attempt using my pills,

that is exactly
what happened in college.

You just wanted attention.

And as for
the Rooftop Killer,

doing something drastic
for the man you love

is vintage Beckelah.

Oh, did she ever tell you
that in college

she lit her married
boyfriend's house on fire?

Not to mention
the meshuggener

Josh Chan shenanigans.

Or should I say "Chananigans."

[chuckling]:
That's pretty good.

[laughing][forced chuckle]

Anyway...
that's all in the past.

It doesn't matter.
What matters is,

despite all
the schmegegge chazzerai,

you still made partner.

You got your name,
finally, on that door.

So somehow all that meshigas

made your career
even better. Right?

Rebecca...

nothing's really changed.

You haven't really changed.

You're still the same
big-shot lawyer, right?

Right?

Right.

Okay, Estrella.

First, I'm hungry.

Spaghetti! Lovespaghetti.

Hmm.

Yeah. There it is.

Find the stuff.

[humming a tune]

Break this up here.

Yeah!

Now, put that there.

All right, in it goes.

Ah.

All right.

[beeping]

Ah. All right.
And we're off!

♪

Yeah!

Yeah!

Ye... Oh, man.

Oh, come on.

[exhales]

[sighs]:
Oh!

Ugh. It's... wet.

[grunts]

[straining]

[groans]

[grunts, groans]

Stay. Yeah.

Ow! Ow. What are you...?

[sighs]

[panting]

[machine whirring]

[lock buzzes in distance]

Okay, let's get up to speed.

I know a bit
about your cases.

Rebecca talks about you a lot.

She kind of talks
about you, too.

Aw.Yeah.

I am so mad at Tanya.

Orange-vested bitch.

Let me know if you want me
to do anything about that

when I get out.

I had an ex-fiancé
who cheated on me,

and, well...

[quietly]: I put cream cheese
all over his car door handle.

Whoa.

Strong.

No, thank you.

Yeah. Okay,

this is for Nicky.

I thought we could have a party
to celebrate her...

parole!

Where is she?

Well, they just took her
to talk to the warden,

so...

Seriously, just say the word,

and Tanya's mailbox
is filled with--

that's right--
cream cheese.

[lock buzzes]Okay.

HANIFA:
Nicky.

Whoa, what happened to you?

Who's this?

Rebecca's friend.
Remember?

The one who's not a lawyer?

I need a lawyer right now.
[scoffs]

When they were processing
my parole,

they found a warrant
for unpaid parking tickets,

because I failed
to appear in court.

Of courseI failed to appear
in court; I was in here.

And now they gave me

$5,000 worth of fines
that I can't pay.

What am I gonna do?

PAULA: No, no, no, this is ridiculous.

I have beenon hold with
the public defender's office

for 30 minutes already!

No, d...
[seething breath]

[low growl]

How was everyone's weekend?

I went to a pumpkin patch
with my mom.

She was a little surprised
by the invite,

but I have a cute photo.

Ask to see the photo.

Uh, can we...Uh...

can we see the photo?may I please see

your photograph?That'd be great.

What the hell's going on?

[quietly]: We don't know
what's wrong with him.

Just play it cool.

Aw, no. Screw this.

Uh, uh...

Here, check it out.

Mm.So whimsical, right?

[shudders]:
Yeah.That's very whimsical.

Paula! Pumpkin photo!

Paula, get in here
right now, or else!

Don't fire her! Please!

I'm not firing anyone.

What is wrong with you guys?

You said "or else"!

Yeah, or elseshe's gonna
miss out on all the fun.

Come on.

Why doesn't anyone believe
that I'm nice now?

I am. Okay? I'm nice.

I just sent you all
massage gift cards.

Check your phones.

Look at 'em.
Look at your phones!

What is Paula doing, anyway?

[groaning]

[exhales]

Morning.

Hi-eee.

[sighs]

Oh...

I have a date with Jason
when I get back.

Mmm.I have an actual date.
Look at me.

I am.

Oh. Okay.

[groans]
All right.

I got to go...Mm.

...see Naomi. Oh.

Mm. I'm so glad that I'm staying
here and not with her, you know?

It's just... it's just
so much, uh, easier

and more convenient.
Sorry.

You telling her
the truth today?

Yes. Because honesty
is important to me.

Mm-hmm.
Oh, also, could I borrow

a dress? She will hate
everything I brought.

♪

NAOMI:
Wow!

You look great!

You borrowed that dress

from that skinny friend
of yours?No.

Wait. I'm honest now.

Yes.

Whoa, boy.

♪

Well, if it isn't
the Bunch girls.

Hello, Marilyn.[sighs]

Audra.

Rebecca, my dear, how are you?

You haven't seen Audra
in a while, have you?

Well,

here she is.

She's having triplets.
All boys.

She and David
had to move into

an even bigger
Tribeca apartment.

Mother, I can speak for myself.

I'm having triplets.
All boys.

David and I had to move into an
even bigger Tribeca apartment.

How are you, Rebecca?

Oh, she's doing great.

She's a senior partner
at her law firm.

Audra, you're still
a junior partner, I believe.

Well...

Now,

on to the planning committee
meeting. Ladies.

Well, the menu
looks good.

Uh, so, do we know
if Elayne Boosler

has any dietary
restrictions?

Yeah, she never
got back to us.

She e-mailed me.
She's allergic to dairy, of course.

[whispers]:
Jewish.

[chuckles]Oh.

[chuckles] Right?

And, Naomi, have you found
something to wear yet?

I could lend you something.

Or there's a wonderful new
consignment store in Rye.

Oh, Marilyn, don't you worry.
I found something gorgeous.

Size two.

You know, I think
it's so wonderful

that you can bring Rebecca.

Since neither of you
have husbands.

Well, Rebecca's had
yourhusband.REBECCA: Okay,

ladies, do
we have to be

so catty all the time?Who's being catty?

I'm very happy for these
two about their husbands.

Audra's husband has
a small penis,

and Marilyn's husband
has droopy testicles.

[Naomi laughing]

I'm not saying

how I know this, but, uh...

I may also know that he
likes having them tickled.

What?

[sighs]

Tim!

Jim!

Baseball is fun.

I like lemonade. Do you?

Guys, where's Paula?
She's AWOL again.

I don't know.She's not
at the county jail

doing pro bono work for inmates
while she's on the clock.

I-I said she's not.

This is why I don't
tell you my secrets.

[knocking]

Oh. Hey, Josh.Hey, Darryl.

I was just walking
by with Hebby,

and I thought maybe Rebecca
might want to see her,

[chuckles]: since, well...
since she's never acknowledged

or spent time with
her genetic offspring.

Well, she's out of town.

Jiminy Christmas!

What's happened here?

Oh, Josh.

Oh, this is sopping wet!

Yeah, yeah, it is.
Apparently, comforters take,

like, a million dryer cycles.

Mm-hmm.[scoffs]

Darryl, I was so excited
to be on my own,

but I don't know
how to do anything.

I'm just...
dumb-dumb-dummy Josh.

Josh, calm down.
It's okay.

This happened to me
when I got divorced.

I'd never lived on my own
without a woman either.

You can do it.

Really?
Will you help me?

Of course!Oh, my God, really?

[chuckles]
Yay!

[chuckles]
Right now?

Sure! All right.

♪

Okay.

Here we go.

Now, just follow
my advice,

and it'll be a breeze!

Okay!

♪

All right!
Now we're ready!

Yeah!

Okay, here we go!

♪ If you see something

♪ That's not where
it belongs ♪

♪ Just pick it up

♪ And put it
where it belongs. ♪

Okay?

And just keep doing that
until the whole room is clean.

What? Wait, I-I thought
we were gonna do a whole thing,

where you teach me
how to clean up.

Josh, what am I, your maid?

Just use your common sense.

See ya.

Darryl.

[door closes]

[fish tank bubbling]

[sighs]

So, the public defender is
a wee bit slow to respond.

You think?

By the time that dude
gets back to us,

my sentence will be over.

Paula, what are we gonna do?

Well, what we have to do is...

[lock buzzes]

[quietly]:
Oh, crap.

Nathaniel, look, I'm sorry.

I should have told you
I was here.

And, yes, I was
skipping out

on company time, but it was
for a very good reason...

You must be Nicky. Hello.

I'm Nathaniel Plimpton III.
I'd like to represent you.

You want to be my lawyer?

Mm-hmm.

With that hair

and that name and that suit?

It would be my pleasure.

But first things first,
who wants to see

an adorable photo of me
at a pumpkin patch?

[chuckles]

Oh. Okay.

[door closes]

God, Mom, those women,

they're so mean.

Of course they're mean.

Do you think the world

of nonprofit
Jewish women's charities

is a warm, cozy place?
[laughs]

Anyway,
this week,

it doesn't bother me,
because I am

being honored.

For one day, I'll be on top.

[phone vibrates]Ooh.

Got an e-mail.

You get notifications
for e-mails?

That's how e-mails work,
Rebecca.

Oh, no.

These letters are so small.[sighs]

I can't read this.
What does it say?

Right. Wow, these
letters are... huge.

Oh, just read it.
[sighs]Okay.

So, it's from Elayne
Boosler's assistant.

Uh-huh.

It says, "Elayne
does not remember you.

Please stop inundating
us with e-mails."

Mom.

Oh, you said she was coming.
You told everyone.

We hadn't exactly
connected yet,[quietly]: Oh, God.

but I was sure
that she would show up.

I mean, she's
a Camp Kavetcha girl.

It's in the camp song.

We stick together.
[exhales]

Yeah, well,
clearly not this time.

Oh, my God.
[sighs]

Okay, Mom, I have an idea.

I'll introduce you, hmm?

Yeah. I'll say nice things.

I'll write a whole speech.

You're no Elayne Boosler.

No.

But...

I'm your daughter,

and...

I'm proud of you.

You giving the speech.

Well...

you are a partner
in your own law firm.

[inhales]
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

Oh, boy.

All right, now that you
brought it up, uh, Mom,

I was really hoping to tell you
something when you were up here,

but now you're more here.
But maybe that's good,

because you and I can live
in the reality of my life

and your life.

Okay? Um, Mom...

...I'm not a lawyer anymore.

You got disbarred?

No. No.

I quit.

It was always something
you wanted for me.

It was never what I
wanted for myself.

Ever.

And now...

I run a small, unprofitable
pretzel stand.

And I'm happy.

[exhales]:
Okay.

So, let's just sit
with that for a minute.

[sighs] I don't know
if this helps,

but it feels really
good to tell you.

Because now I
can be myself,

and I don't have to put
up a facade all night.

What do you mean?

Well, now I don't have to lie

to all your awful friends.

Wait, wait, wait.

You want to tell people
the truth?

At my event?
[laughs]

Absolutely no way.

Forget it.

You hear me?

Forget it.

You're an ungrateful
daughter,

and you're throwing
your life away.

♪ [distorted]:
Do you hear me?

You are throwing
your life away.

♪

♪ So you want I should be known
as the mother of a loser ♪

♪ Loser, loser

♪ Meet my daughter,
former lawyer ♪

♪ Now a failure,
please excuse her ♪

♪ Excuse her, excuse her

♪ And you want that I should see
the look upon the rabbi's face ♪

♪ Rabbi's face, rabbi's face

♪ When she learns that Miss Ivy
League Attorney's a disgrace ♪

♪ Disgrace, disgrace

♪ Forget it, forget it, you
can just forget it, forget it ♪

♪ You can just forget it♪♪ Forget it, forget it

♪ You can just forget it,
forget it ♪

♪ You can just forget it♪

♪ In your search for happiness,
you never thought of me ♪

♪ Forget it

♪ You haven't caused me so much
pain since my episiotomy ♪

♪ Forget it

♪ So you want
that I should throw away ♪

♪ My sterling reputation,
forget it ♪

♪ While you blab about
your new bohemian vocation ♪

♪ Vocation, vocation♪

♪ Forget it, forget it, you
can just forget it, forget it ♪

♪ You can just forget it♪

♪ Forget it, forget it, you
can just forget it, forget it ♪

♪ You can just forget it♪

♪ You want to throw
your life away? ♪

♪ Go ahead, sure

♪ Oy, what am I gonna tell
Emilio ♪

♪ At the frame store?

♪ Moms always worry about
what semi-strangers gonna say ♪

♪ And they're right,
we think about it all day ♪

♪ We judging you,
we don't have our own lives ♪

♪ You're more important than
our own kids and our own wives ♪

♪ God, I made
Rebecca's graduation collage ♪

♪ But I guess her success
was just a mirage ♪

♪ Damn, Naomi,
thought you was a good mom ♪

♪ I'm gonna mess up
all your frames from now on ♪

♪ Moms don't suffer
tsuris and pain ♪

♪ To have their daughters
bring them shame ♪

♪ Moms don't suffer
tsuris and pain ♪

♪ To have their daughters
bring them shame ♪

♪ Forget it

♪ Forget it

♪ Forget about it

♪ Everything's fine

♪ Forget it!

But, Mom...

Forget it.

[sighs]

NATHANIEL:
Statute 88B limits the use

of warrants in cases
where the accused

is unable to appear due
to incarceration or illness.

We'd like to request
that the county waive

the additional
penalties

and cancel
the warrant.

She will pay the
original fine.

Yeah, I can't pay the fines.

[whispers]:
It's okay. I got it.All right, Ms. Warner.

Your attorney makes
a valid point.

It costs the state more
to keep you incarcerated.

So pay the fine
and you're free to go.

Yes.

[exhales]
Yes.

Oh, my God.

What is this feeling I'm having?

Did I just do a good thing?

I think I did.
[chuckles]: Wow!

That feels great.

I feel all... warm and--

Is this fuzzy?

Is this what fuzzy is?Oh, please.

What you just did is
white savior crap.

You can't just sweep in here
and use your checkbook...

I'm actually fine with it.

Yeah, me, too. I just felt
like I should say it.

Nicky, you're free!

Oh, I feel like I took
a bath in honey.

[chuckles]
I'm almost turned on.

Yeah, they take
cash and check.Right.

So run downstairs
and pay.Yes.

Grab my notes.Yeah. Run, run.

Rebecca.What?

Stick to the script, okay?

Yeah, lie my face off.
I got it.

Always so dramatic.

Shalom!

[phone ringing]

Hey. Is everything okay?

Hey, Becks!
Uh, was just wondering

if you needed me to do anything
before you came home.

Turns out I'm good
at domestic stuff.

It's not that hard.

You just use Common's sense,

and he's my favorite rapper.
[chuckles]

I'm sorry. This trip is a mess,
and I just--

I got to find a way
to get through it somehow.

I came here to tell the truth
to one Jewish mother,

and now I'm lying
to a room full of them.

Oh. Becks, I'm sorry.

No, i-it's fine.
Uh, I got to go.

See you soon. Bye.

Okay.

Bye.

Josh, I'm so impressed.

It really does
look nice in here.

Oh. It was a
lot of work.

Yeah. Well, it turns out
that's what being an adult is.

Lots of work.

She sounds so sad.

I really want to do
something nice for her.

I mean, she let me stay here.

Well, you could get her
some flowers or candy.

Well, I saw something
on Quimblepop

I think she'd really like.

Okay, she
loves autumn,

and they have these murals
at the paint store.

It's really easy.
All I have to do

is pre-trim the image,

measure and etch guidelines
onto the wall,

apply the paste,
double-cut the seams,

put up the panels,
trim the overage,

remove the excess paste,
and voilà!

Josh, you just learned how
to use tinfoil.

No, you're wrong, okay?

I'm a new man.

I can do stuff.

Ask Estrella.

Oh.

On my way to the paint store,

I'll stop by the pet store.

[sighs]Mm.

So sad about Elayne Boosler.

AUDRA:
Oh.

You know, I personally

never thought she was coming.

Well...

I have better than Boosler.

I have my daughter.

Big-shot lawyer.

Oh.Sure.

Mm.[chuckles]

[applause]

Uh, hello, everyone. Welcome.
Shalom, shalom, shalom.

I am, uh, thrilled to be here

at this event
honoring my mother.

I would like

to start out by telling you
a little bit about myself

and what a great influence

my mother has had

on my life and my, uh...

career.

[whispers]:
Is that...?

Uh, ladies, I-I, uh...

I will be right back.

Please excuse me for one moment.

What? Elayne Boosler.
How did you...?

I called,
said if she didn't show up,

you were gonna have
to go out there and lie

and undo a lot of the work
you've done on yourself.That's bull.

She promised me another gig
her company is doing,

a Radio City benefit
for some Internet weenie.

The pay is great.

Wait, do you actually know
my mother?

Of course. Naomi-Know-It-All.

Then why didn't you respond
to her e-mails or phone calls?

Have youmet your mother?
She's a pain in the kishkes.

Who wants to do a favor
for that?

That's a good point.
I owe you one.

Oh, sorry about that, ladies.

You know, I could stand here

and talk to you all night,

but wouldn't you rather
hear from...

Elayne Boosler?

She's here?

Elayne is here!

What?

Hello, everybody.
Happy to be here.

Nothing I'd rather do than talk
about my dear, sweet, close,

personal friend Naomi.

Come on up, Naomi.

[applause]Oh!

You know, when Naomi reached out

and asked me to talk
tonight, my answer

was an automatic yes,

because Camp Kavetcha girls
are always there for each other.

Elayne, I'm so thrilled
to see you.

Thank you for coming.Of course.

Are we gonna sing the song?You bet your pupik

we're gonna sing
that damned song.

Yes! You ready?

Mm-hmm.

♪ If you ever need a favor
in 50 years ♪

♪ Just call
a Camp Kavetcha girl ♪[Rebecca chuckles]

♪ If you're crying off your
makeup with all your tears ♪

♪ Just call
a Camp Kavetcha girl ♪

♪ No matter what the issue ♪ She always has a tissue

♪ She keeps them
in her Prada bag ♪

♪ No matter
if you wanna scream ♪

♪ Or you need
some wrinkle cream ♪

ELAYNE: ♪ She also keeps it
in her Prada bag ♪

♪ If you ever need a favor
in 50 years ♪

♪ Just call
a Camp Kavetcha girl ♪

♪ If you're ever paralyzed
by your deepest fears ♪

♪ Just call
a Camp Kavetcha girl ♪

♪ If you're honored
for your mitzvahs ♪

♪ Call a Camp Kavetcha sister

♪ If she's famous
and she's distant ♪

♪ Get in touch
with her assistant ♪

NAOMI:
♪ If you still can't find her [chuckles]

♪ Have your daughter's
goyish friend remind her ♪

♪ That when you're in a pinch,
we'll getcha ♪

♪ 'Cause we're always there,
you betcha ♪

♪ I'm so glad I metcha

♪ Here at swanky Camp Kavetcha

♪ If you need me,
I'll come running ♪

♪ 'Cause our parents
spent the money ♪

♪ To make us all

♪ Camp Kavetcha girls...

♪ My dad's a banker ♪ My dad's a dentist.

Wow, that song was dead-on
to this situation.

And so, after the camp song,

then you told everyone
the truth?

Nope. Nuh-uh.Mm-mm.

No one. I thought about it,
but then it hit me.

I don't need to tell everyone
everything all the time.

I mean, really,

using my mug shot
as my dating profile pic?

What's-what's that about?

I mean, I don't need
outside approval

from others, and I certainly
don't need outside judgment

from people
I frankly don't care about.

I know who I am now.

Finally.

It's so freeing.[knock on door]

I'll get it.

Mom?

We showed everyone, huh? Huh?
Oh, hello, Valencia.

And girlfriend.
Wow, are you cute.

Like your hair.
We're friends now.

Okay. I...

Mom, what are you
doing here?

We need to talk
about your career at the firm.

What? I don't work at a firm.But you will.

I scheduled
a conference call with them.

It's called
Mountain something now.

Anyway, I reached a senior
partner, Bert Buttenweiser.

Nice man.

Told me all about
his seven dead sisters.

Wait, wait, Mom,
what did you do?

He said that he will take you
back if that's what you wanted,

that they could use you,
and then I asked

if you could be partner again,
of course,

and he said absolu...Enough!

Wow.

That's enough.

So, I took a look
at Hanifa's case,

and I have some thoughts
on that, as well.Okay.

Hold on. Why are you doing this?
This nice kick,

is this just another scheme
to get Rebecca back?

[scoffs] Is that what you think?

That's what
the whole office thinks.

Hundo "P."

Maybe it started that way.

When she and I split up
for good,

she said some tough things
about me,

and they were true.

She was right.

So I decided
to try and be nicer,

but, um, pumpkin photos
don't cut it.

And now I know

that there's stuff I can do.

And I like it.

Okay.

Okay. I buy all that.

Also, it turns out there is
a shocking amount of unfairness

in the legal system.
Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

No one did.

Thank God you figured it out.

Yeah.

Mom, it's over.Excuse me?

It's over. The old Rebecca
let you manipulate her,

but not anymore. I don't
want your opinion anymore.

I don't want your opinion
on my career,

on my hair, on my clothes,
on my love life.

Nothing.

They are mychoices,

and as of right now,
they are off-limits to you.

Okay? So, look,

we can chat,
we can still gossip,

we can kibitz,
we can go out for a schmear,

but that's it.

I wish we could hide
in the other room,

but there isn't one.

I am so proud of her.

I can't look 'cause I'm
Waspy, but so proud.

Now, you respect me
and my boundaries,

or we will have no relationship
at all.

Do I make myself clear?

Crystal.

[breathes deeply]

Hello. I'm back from Jew Hell.

Which is nothing,

'cause Jews don't technically
believe in Hell...

Oh, wow!

Oh, look at that. Josh.

Autumn. Oh, my God,
did you do that yourself?

Uh, I-I want to say yes,

but I know
you're big on honesty,

so the truth is someone else

put it up after I glued my feet
to the floor by accident.

Also, I killed Estrella,

and I got a new
one. I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't worry about that.

That's, like,
the fourth Estrella.

And hey, hey,
Heather doesn't know,

and she never will.

[chuckles softly]Yeah.

God.

Well, I-I should go. Um,
I have to get to the YMCA early

to get a good room, so...Hey, Josh.

Don't go to the Y.
Just stay here.

Move in.Uh, really?

[scoffs] Us? Roommates?

I mean, do you think
that's a good idea?

I think most people
in the world won't

think that's
a good idea. Like...

no one.

True. But you know what?

I no longer care
what other people think.

Screw 'em.

Okay, then. I'd love to.

Then it's settled. Okay.

Oh, I have a date
to get ready for.

Let's see where the place is.

Oh, no.

Oh, man, Jason canceled.

I mean, okay,

he says he's sick, but...

he canceled
on super short notice,

so that means...Aw, sorry. Yeah.

That's such a bummer.
I was really looking forward

to having plans tonight.

But you do have plans.

What are you doing?

[laughs]Mmm. Oh, no.

It's too hot!

[chuckles]Oh, this is so nice. Thank you.

Sometimes I forget
how nice you can be.

Yeah. Sometimes
I'm not too terrible.

[both laugh]

♪

Hmm.

PAULA:
Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Did you hear what I said?

I did not. I'm sorry.

Paula, the weirdest thing
happened last night.

So, Josh and I were
in our kitchen... Oh.What?

Josh is living with me,

by the way, but that's not
the weird thing.It's not?

No. So, I looked at him, and...

these images

just started flashing and...[elevator bell dings]

Before my eyes,
and it was...

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. You're
gonna have to tell me later.

Nathaniel and I have a hearing
in Hanifa's case.

What?

Yeah, uh...

[whispering]:
Okay.

He didn't want me to tell you,

but Nathaniel

has come on to help out
with some of your cases.

And I got to say,

I've spent a lot of time with
him the last couple of days,

and he's like a different guy.

Yeah. He's, like,
a good person.

Just doing the right thing.

Really?

♪

Hey.

You okay?

Oh, no, Paula.
I think we're in trouble.

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