Original subtitles

♫ Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones, gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor, carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Materials, soft furnishing, restaurant, and teas

♫ Going down

- Miss Brahms.

- Yes, I know, Captain Peacock, I'm late.

- Not good enough, Miss Brahms.

You are 15 minutes late.

What would happen if everybody else was 15 minutes late?

- The store would open at quarter past.

(laughter)

- Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms.

Captain Peacock is quite within his rights

to dress you down.

- Have you an explanation?

- Yes.

It's Friday, I haven't got any money,

and I couldn't afford the bus fare.

I had to hitchhike.

- Then you should have left home earlier.

- I did.

I stood on the corner and I lifted my skirt

and showed a bit of stocking

like Marilyn Monroe did in Bus Stop.

- What happened?

(laughter)

- The bus crashed.

And I had to make a statement.

(laughter)

- The same thing happened to me once

with a centurion tank.

(laughter)

- Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe,

or were you driving it?

(laughter)

- I think Mr. Grainger is trying to attract your attention,

Captain Peacock.

- Captain Peacock, are you free?

- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

- I hope you won't mind my mentioning the fact,

but I left my purse behind

on the wireless in the kitchen this morning.

- No, I don't mind you mentioning it at all.

(laughter)

- No, well, I was wondering

if you could let me have the pound back

which I lent you yesterday.

- Of course, Mr. Grainger, I...

Oh, dear.

I, too, seem to have left my notecase in the study

on top of the color television set.

- Oh, have you?

I seem to remember that you did the same thing

last Friday, Stephen.

- Yes, Ernest.

Yes, it seems I'm getting rather forgetful.

- Yes.

That's why I reminded you about the pound.

(laughter)

- Don't worry, Mr. Grainger.

Our pay will be down in a moment,

and as soon as I can get change for one of my larger notes,

you shall have it.

- You know, you really should try

to make your money last out the week, Miss Brahms.

- I can't even make it last the weekend.

- What do you spend it on?

- Clothes.

- Clothes?

- Yes, clothes, so the boys'll ask me out to dinner.

- Yes, but if you didn't spend it on clothes,

you could stay at home and cook something for yourself.

- Oh, I can't afford to buy food for meself.

It's too expensive.

- Yes, but you could afford it

if you didn't spend your money on clothes.

- Yes, well, if I spent my money on food,

I couldn't afford to spend it on the clothes

so the boys would ask me out to dinner.

- I just don't understand young people nowadays.

I don't understand what you're talking about.

- I just like going out, that's all.

- My dear girl, I could be wined and dined

every night if I wanted to.

If it wasn't for that awful wrestling match in the car

when you got home. (laughter)

Those roving hands and the sloppy kisses

and the fight to get the door open and escape.

- Did many of them get away, Mrs. Slocombe?

(laughter)

- Go and check the till, Miss Brahms.

- Well, so, anyway, I couldn't take her home to my place,

see, 'cause it was Thursday night,

and that's the night me mum does her feet.

- Well, I suppose that would take the romance out of it.

So what did you do?

- Well, I took her back to hers.

It was an absolute disaster.

Her old man came back early

and insisted on watching the telly with us.

Then her aunt came back.

Then her mum came home from Bingo.

And then her sister came downstairs with the baby

'cause it wouldn't stop crying.

Three hours later, her old man asked me

what my intentions were.

I told him, "With all you lot here, nothing at all."

So he kicked me out. (laughter)

What did you do?

- Well, I had an old friend round to dinner,

but it wasn't a very successful evening.

I mean, you've got to be in the mood for cooking,

haven't you?

I got a bit cross and slammed the over door,

and, well, me Yorkshires wouldn't rise.

(laughter)

You know, I didn't know which way to turn,

which is very unusual for me.

(laughter)

- Yeah.

- So do you know what I did? - What did you do?

- I got me rolling pin out, I flattened it all down,

I threw a tin of fruit salad on it

and served it as a surprise pancake.

(laughter)

It made the evening.

- Yes, it would.

Hello, what's this?

- Do you mind?

That's a friend of mine.

- You left in such a hurry.

I forgot to give you the keys to the flat.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

I'll phone you when I'm free.

- What's all that about, then?

- Well, we've known each other for ages.

We see a lot of each other.

- What, you and that gorgeous thing?

- She's a very good friend of mine.

- Look at those legs!

- That is a very lovely person.

- You're telling me!

- And I'll tell you something else.

She's much more settled since she's had the operation.

(laughter and applause)

(knock on door)

- Come in.

- You sent for me, Mr. Rumbold?

- Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, come in.

It's Friday once again.

- It is indeed, sir.

- Would you be good enough to take round these pay packets?

- Yes, sir.

Well, that's what all the workers have been waiting for.

- I don't know how they manage, some of them.

- By Friday morning,

half of them are borrowing money for...

Where's mine?

- Oh, some mistake in accounts.

They say it'll be through this afternoon.

See you for lunch as usual?

- Um, no, I'm putting it on a bit round the old tum.

- Is that about it, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Perfect, Miss Brahms.

There, you see, Madam.

With the shorter hem and the alterations to the sleeves

and a bit taken out of the back,

and, oh, yes, the shoulders adjusted and the buttons moved,

it'll fit you like a glove.

- Wouldn't it be easier to get one in my size?

- But it's an unrepeatable offer.

- Yes, it's last year's stock.

- That'll do, Miss Brahms. (laughter)

If Madam would like to go into the fitting room

and take it off, we'll get it sent away for alterations.

- When will it be back?

- Oh, much less than a month.

And I'll have the £2 alteration fee put on Madam's account.

- £2?

- Well, it does have to go to Edinburgh, Madam.

All our alterations go to Edinburgh.

I mean, if you have them done in London,

you never know who'll be handling the garment, do you?

- Very well, then.

(laughter)

- Only a woman with your persuasive tongue, Mrs. Slocombe,

could unload a 44 long onto a 36 short.

- Well, we have to get our commission somehow.

- The receipt slips are inside, as usual.

- Yeah, they've taken £4.62 in tax!

- And you owe me a pound, don't forget.

- Well, with all this kneeling we have to do,

they ought to give us something for our tights.

Look at my knees, look at them!

They're all baggy.

- Pull them up, Miss Brahms.

(laughter)

- Is that where they end?

(laughter)

- Yes.

I have to get long ones

on account of the fact that I've got big feet.

- It might solve your problem, Miss Brahms,

if you wore braces. (laughter)

- Very funny.

- Or, alternatively, you could sew suspenders

onto your brassiere.

- Will that be all, Captain Peacock?

- What size is your fiance, Madam?

Around the chest, I mean.

- Well, he can get into my sweater quite easily.

- Who couldn't? (laughter)

- In that case, you can't go wrong with a fluffy Fair Isle.

- Difficult to say.

He's about your build and he's ginger.

- Oh. (laughter)

Well, that goes with a fluffy Fair Isle, all right.

- He's got a beard.

- How about that? (laughter)

- His eyes are a different color.

- Would it be easier if you brought him in?

- Well, that'd spoil the surprise.

And he loves a surprise.

- Oh, well, you bring him in then, Madam.

Mr. Humphries'll find a way of surprising him.

(laughter)

- I'll do that.

Thank you.

- [Mr. Lucas] Not at all.

Good morning, Madam.

- [Captain Peacock] Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?

- [Both] Yes, we're free.

- Check these, please.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

- At the moment.

Thank you.

- Oh, blimey!

£11, 47p?

I'm supposed to get 19 quid a week!

- Well, there's probably some deductions.

Check your slip.

- Tax, £6.12.

- Well, you see, the Concorde is expensive.

Then there's the Coal Board

and the Iron and Steel Board, the railways,

not to mention the upkeep of our stall

in the common market.

You know, you've got yourself a bargain there

if you didn't but know it.

- National Health, £1.21.

I haven't been near a doctor in five years.

- Oh, well, when you get pregnant,

you'll get your maternity grant.

(laughter)

- 10p for Grace Brothers Social Club.

Social Club.

A converted scout-hut on the edge of Romney Marshes.

A cracked ping-pong ball and three darts with foul pest.

- It's worth it for the annual outing alone.

Now, where else could you see

Captain Peacock in a funny hat

and Mrs. Slocombe going home kale-eyed on the bus?

- 20p for Grace Brothers Staff Home.

Now, that I don't mind.

I mean, what a way to end your days.

When you're too old to bend down and take an inside leg,

you can sit all day in the drizzle in a wheelchair,

waiting for that voice to come crying out of the sky,

"Are you free, Mr. Lucas?" (laughter)

And five minutes later,

you've got Grainger measuring you up for a pair of wings,

telling you they'll ride up with wear.

(laughter)

- He'll measure you for an asbestos suit.

- Yeah, all right.

Here's your alterations.

Cor blimey, is that all they give ya?

If you wanna join a working class, mate, look at that.

- Where'd you get all that?

- Our workers were strike, you see.

When we come back, we have to do overtime

to catch up with the backlog.

For the sake of wearing a cardboard collar

and calling yourself middle class,

you're doing yourself out of all the readies.

- We do have one advantage.

- Oh, yeah?

What's that, then?

- Take this to the dustbin, Mash.

- Capitalist. (laughter)

- Mr. Mash.

- Oh, sorry, Constable.

Was I speeding?

- Mr. Mash, you are not supposed to appear on this floor

after 10:00 in your working clothes.

- Well, how am I supposed to deliver this lot, then?

Starkers?

- You will leave in the staff entrance,

and attract Mrs. Slocombe's attention.

- Now, look here.

I've been here many--

- Stop arguing, Mr. Mash,

and just do as you are told by your superiors.

- Well, I'll bet you didn't get 60 quid

in your pay packet this week, did you, eh?

Eh, eh,? (Mr. Mash laughs)

- I'd like a pair of gloves for my husband.

He has such cold hands.

- Just over there, Madam.

Mr. Mash!

Do handle those with a little delicacy!

They're £44 each!

- Well, I'll tell you something.

I get more for pushin' 'em about

than you do for sellin' 'em.

- You just can't get the right sort of people

for this job nowadays.

- Yes, and he's worked here for 35 years.

- I've told him in future

to attract your attention from the staff entrance.

(Mr. Mash sputters) (laughter)

- Thank you, Captain Peacock.

- Now, do bring the gloves back if they don't fit, Madam,

and we'll change them with pleasure.

- The fingers do seem a bit long.

- Well, don't worry, Madam.

They'll ride up with wear, everything does.

- What about a nice tie to go with them?

- Yes, or a briefcase to keep them in?

- Or one of our latest novelties.

An automatic umbrella.

(laughter)

- He won't need it in the south of France.

It hardly ever rains.

- They make very good sunshades as well.

- Oh, no!

- What's the matter, Madam?

- Oh, the center stone is gone.

Look.

- Well, I shouldn't worry, Madam.

I don't think it'll notice amongst all the others.

- But it was three carats, worth over £1,000.

And it was so pretty.

- They usually are. (laughter)

- Are you sure you had it when you came in?

I mean, are you sure you didn't leave it

trapped in your Rolls Royce?

- Oh, well, I did try on a mink at Alastair Solomon's.

Perhaps it's there.

- Well, I should pop back before Alastair sweeps up,

in the meantime.

- I was also at the hairdresser's first thing.

And then I bought a pair of shoes.

- I tell you what, Madam.

You retrace your steps,

and we'll take care of everything at this end.

- You're very sweet.

- So I've been told. (laughter)

- I'm sorry to give you so much trouble.

- It's no trouble at all, Madam.

- Oh, thank you.

Ooh, my husband'll be furious if he finds out.

I'll give £100 to the person who finds it.

- £100? (laughter)

That is very generous.

Now, don't worry.

If it's here, we'll find it.

Mr. Lucas, where are you?

Get up, you fool!

- Look, there's 100 quid lyin' around here somewhere!

- We don't want the rest of the shop looking for it.

Otherwise, we won't get the reward.

Now, I'm not just a pretty face.

- I'll tell what, we'll both look,

and if we find it, we'll split it 50-50.

- Well, it was my customer, 60-40.

- Ah, yes, well, then if I spot it first, 60-40 to me.

- Then if I spot it first, 70-30 to me.

(laughter)

- A straight 50-50.

- A straight 60-40.

- A straight 50-50 is my last offer.

- Give me one good reason.

- I've just spotted it.

- A straight 50-50. (laughter)

Where have you spotted it?

- Between Peacock's legs.

- How did it get there?

Oh! I see what you mean.

Oh, it's just by his heel.

It's shining like Beachy Head Lighthouse.

- Yes, and if he looks down between his legs now,

you and me have got 50% of sweet Fanny.

Listen, (laughter)

I'll go over there and hide it,

and you try and get it away.

(laughter)

- Why are you standing like that, Mr. Lucas?

- Why am I standing like this, Captain Peacock?

- That is what I asked.

- It's your lumbago, Mr. Lucas.

- It's my lumbago, Mr. Lucas,

er, Captain Peacock.

- Why do you suddenly get it behind my back?

- No, no, it's behind my back.

(laughter)

- Come here, Mr. Lucas.

(laughter)

- Is that the best you can do?

- At the moment, sir, yes.

- I usually have to massage it for him, Captain Peacock.

- Oh, the relief!

- Why are you massaging his ankle, Mr. Humphries?

That's not where you get lumbago.

- If I was to massage him where you get lumbago,

we'd both be thrown out. (laughter)

- It's gone!

- It's in my pocket.

- Back to your places, both of you.

- Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.

I'd like a word with everybody.

- Would all the staff pay attention, please?

Mr. Rumbold would like a word with everybody.

- Captain Peacock, would you like us

to go back to our places

while Mr. Rumbold has his word with everyone,

or stay here?

- Don't be juvenile, Mr. Lucas.

- I have just had a message from a lady

who has lost a valuable diamond

somewhere in this department.

Now, she's offering a substantial reward for its recovery,

so I suggest you all have a very good search.

Whoever finds it should bring it straight to me,

and I will divide the reward equally amongst you all.

- How much is the reward, sir?

- I beg your pardon?

- How much is the reward?

- How much is the reward.

- Yes.

- Um, £75.

How does that sound?

- Very convincing, sir. (laughter)

The old chisler's trying to do us out of 25 quid.

- It's his ears, you know.

When they're low-set like that,

it means they've got criminal instincts.

(laughter)

- Well, carry on and good luck.

- Thank you, sir.

- Pretend to be looking.

(laughter)

- Now, that's £75.

That's three in this department,

and two in the ladies', that is five,

divided into 75, is five and five, 22,

that'll be £15 each.

- Divided among six, Mr. Grainger.

- Oh, Captain Peacock.

As you are neither a member of my department

nor of Mrs. Slocombe's,

I don't see how you could possibly have

any claim on the reward.

- I, on the other hand, have no difficulty whatsoever

in seeing how I might have a claim on it,

and have a claim on it I will.

- Well, I think whosever's department it's found in

should get the lion's share.

- Well, I think whoever finds it

should get the lion's share.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Well, there's no doubt that

Mr. Lucas has the best suggestion.

- Well, are we all agreed to cut Captain Peacock in?

- Believe me, Mr. Grainger, I am very much in.

So now let's all start looking for it, shall we?

- It must be very small.

(laughter)

- Captain Peacock!

What is the reason for your proximity?

- This is my area, I shall look here.

You look over there.

- Oh.

- [Mr. Humphries] Captain Peacock?

- Hmm? (laughter)

- On your feet, Captain Peacock.

- Hmm.

- Should we discover the diamond,

wouldn't it be better to take it to the young lady direct?

- (garbled speech) Should you discover the diamond,

Mr. Humphries, it would be the sensible thing to do, yes.

(laughter)

- To whom am I speaking?

Madam's butler?

Well, would you tell Madam when she returns

that we have located her stone.

No, this is not the doctor's, we are Grace Brothers.

(laughter)

Yes, I have the diamond here in my hand,

and the message is-- (knock on door)

Not now, I'm busy with my secretary!

Yes, the message is for her to come directly to my office

and make the £100 reward to payable personally to me,

Cuthbert Rumbold,

and I will see that it goes to those who deserve it.

Yes, good-bye.

Come in!

- Have you finished your call to MI5, sir?

- What? Oh, yes.

Don't tell anyone else.

You couldn't hear through the door, could you?

- No, sir.

- Good.

- Pretend you're looking.

- And aren't we to take it to Rumbold?

- Oh, use your loaf.

If we take it to him,

she'll make out the check for 100 to him,

he'll pocket 25,

and six of us'll have to share what's left.

Do you follow me?

- Well, I'm trying, but it's gonna give me housemaid's knee.

- [Both] Are you being served, sir?

Good. (laughter)

What we've got to go is to get this woman

to make out the check for 100 to us.

We'll pocket 25 and then take our share as well.

- Of course, and Rumbold can't complain,

because he was trying to fiddle us in the first place.

Yeah, but how are we gonna get a hold

of this woman's telephone number

so we can ring her, tell her we've got it,

and then she's gotta come and see us?

- One of us will bravely sneak into Rumbold's office

when he's at lunch and get it.

- Which one?

- A toss of the coin'll decide.

- Heads.

- Good luck. (laughter)

- You've got low-set ears as well, haven't you?

(laughter)

(knock on door)

- Mr. Rumbold!

Mr. Rumbold?

Blue-white, flawless, three carats or more.

58 facets.

What a careless lady.

Now, where's her number?

Ah.

Now, then.

Mr. Rumbold is going to make a telephone call.

(imitating Mr. Rumbold) Operator, Rumbold here.

Would you get me 965 0721?

- Is that you, Captain Peacock?

(laughter) - No, it's only me.

I've found it!

- Put it out of sight!

Follow me.

Now that we've found it,

I'm going to see that we get the biggest share.

- But I found it.

- It was found in my department,

and I gave you permission to look.

- All right, then, well, how can we get a bigger share

if we've already agreed?

- Because we'll hide it.

And if they don't divvy up, we'll say we can't find it.

Hand it over.

- Right.

Oh.

Oh, it must have slipped through.

I can't find it.

- You wouldn't double-cross me, Miss Brahms.

- No, honest, Mrs. Slocombe, it...

Oh, yes, I've found it.

It's gone down the insides of me tights, ooh.

Ooh, they're gonna take ages to get off.

- Oh, well, shake it down your leg

and we'll cut the toe off.

(laughter)

- Has Rumbold gone to lunch?

- Yes, he went about 10 minutes ago.

And I'm gonna get mine now.

- Quite true.

(Mr. Lucas whistles) - Ooh!

- Now, I suggest, Madam,

that you meet me by the lifts on the ground floor.

Oh, that's quite easy.

I shall be wearing a red carnation.

I am tall, slightly graying at the sides.

Yes, that's right, rather distinguished.

If you'll make the check payable to Captain S. Peacock,

and I will see that the £75 gets to the one who deserves it.

It was £100?

I see.

Madam is very generous.

Some people have no integrity.

(laughter)

- (Imitating Mr. Rumbold) Operator, I wonder if

you'll get me 965 0721.

- [Operator] What, again?

- Yes, again.

- (normal voice) Hello, oh, my name's Lucas.

Could I speak to the lady that lost the diamond?

- [Captain Peacock] Lucas?

- Yes, that's right, Lucas.

- [Captain Peacock] Lucas!

- Captain Peacock! (laughter)

- What is the meaning of this?

- Ah, well,

I was just trying to ring up the lady, you see, sir.

- Why?

- Ah. Yes. Why.

Well, it's a private matter, really.

- Why, Mr. Lucas?

- Well, you see, sir, she fancied me.

- She fancied you?

- Ah, you noticed it, too.

- I demand an explanation!

- Shall I come down there, or will you come up here?

(laughter)

- I was...

I was searching for the diamond.

- It wasn't lost in here.

- Well, it could have been carried in here

on the sole of a shoe

that had a bit of a chewing gum on the sole.

(door opens)

- What are you two doing in here?

- I came to say that I hadn't found the diamond, sir.

- And I came to say that I hadn't found the diamond either.

- Well, keep searching, gentlemen.

(knock on door) Come in.

- Oh.

May I have a word with Mr. Rumbold?

- What can I do for you, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, I came to say that I haven't found the diamond.

- And I haven't found it, either.

- But if Miss Brahms or I did find it, we feel,

and I am unanimous in this, (laughter)

that we ought to get a bigger cut.

- Yes, well, I think if you find the diamond,

that's perfectly fair.

- Yes, whoever finds the diamond should have the larger cut,

nor, indeed, all of it.

- Yes, well, let's agree to that, then.

Whoever finds the diamond gets all the reward.

- Yes, I definitely agree with that.

- Oh, Mrs. Slocombe-- - Not yet.

Yes, we agree also.

And I think the moment has come for me to tell you that--

(knock on door) - Come in.

Have you come to tell me that you haven't found the diamond?

- No, I've come to tell you that Mr. Grainger has.

- What? - What?

- It had rolled under the counter.

Isn't it marvelous?

We all get £12 and 50 new pence.

- Well, what about this one, then?

She must have lost two.

- Or three.

- She couldn't have lost four.

(knock on door) - Come in.

(Mr. Mash sputters)

- Come in, Mr. Mash. (laughter)

- Oh, there you are, Mrs. Slocombe.

Here, you've got a bit of sewing on to do.

I found these in my truck.

- Ah!

They're off the dresses!

It's all rubbish.

Look, we should have guessed.

Look, they're all mounted for sewing on.

- Oh, so they are.

- [Mr. Humphries] Well, we'll have to get lucky again,

won't we? (telephone rings)

- Just a moment, just a moment.

Rumbold here.

Somebody phoned and suggested what?

Yeah?

Yes, I see.

The lady is on her way up.

Apparently she's been waiting by the lifts downstairs

for a gentlemen who is tall, slightly graying at the sides,

rather distinguished, he says,

and wearing a red carnation.

I wonder who that could be?

- Oh. (laughter)

- Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Captain Peacock,

but I don't recall you producing a diamond.

- Well, I...

I thought it was rubbish, like the rest.

- Well, let's have a butcher's.

- Here, here, let me see that.

It's not mounted!

It's the real one.

Ooh, £1,000.

I've never had anything worth that much

in my hand before.

- Neither have I.

- Yes, well, you can all get back to work now.

And Captain Peacock, I'll see that you get the £75.

- I prefer to stay, sir,

and receive the full reward personally.

(knock on door) - Come in.

Ah, it's young Mr. Grace!

- [All] Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.

- We weren't expecting you, sir.

- No, you were in a fortnight ago for 10 minutes.

- This young lady has told me all about it in the lift.

I think you've all done very well.

- [All] Thank you, Mr. Grace.

- Who found it?

- I'm happy to say that I did.

- Oh, I'm very grateful to you.

And now I'll give you the £100 I promised.

- 100? - 100?

- It was a bad line. (laughter)

- Well, I'm going to put in another £100,

making it £200 in all.

- That's very generous of you, Mr. Grace.

- Don't the rest of us get any?

- Oh, yes, you're all going to benefit.

Now, you make the check out to me,

and I will make out another check for £100--

- £200, I think you said, Mr. Grace.

- £200 to go to Grace Brothers Staff Home.

You see, virtue does bring its own reward,

as I can see by all your happy faces.

(laughter)

- Grace Brothers Staff Home.

- What are you smiling about?

- Well, it rather seems that I shall be

the first one to benefit.

(laughter)

(cash register advances and rings)

(cheers and applause) (Are You Being Served? Theme)

♫ Ground floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones, gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor, carpets, travel goods, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing, restaurant, and teas

♫ Going down