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1
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:14,951
Oh, ha, ha. Well, I'll definitely
be getting you that bicycle.
2
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:19,330
And I'll see what I can do about
your parents' ugly divorce, Caren.
3
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:21,666
All right. Merry Christmas!
4
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:23,418
- Who's next?
- Santa!
5
00:01:23,585 --> 00:01:26,170
Kumar, no! Merry...
6
00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:27,964
Back of the line, tech support!
7
00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:29,966
- Is this a joke?
- Hold the fuck on.
8
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,760
Your son can rub his ass
on Santa's cock in a minute.
9
00:01:34,721 --> 00:01:37,932
- What do you want for Christmas?
- That's a really good question.
10
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,684
- Snoopy Sno-cone
Machine. - Done.
11
00:01:39,851 --> 00:01:40,935
- And a DeLorean.
- Yes.
12
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:42,478
Wu-Tang to get back together.
13
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:44,022
I'll tell the elves.
14
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,815
This is just for my stockings.
15
00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:47,108
- For my present...
- Hey!
16
00:01:47,483 --> 00:01:49,819
Meet me at my sleigh
in half an hour, okay?
17
00:01:49,986 --> 00:01:52,030
You got it. Merry Christmas, Santa.
18
00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:53,448
- Ooh. Bong.
- Oh!
19
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,826
Right in the sugar plums.
20
00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,830
Okay. On the menu today, we have:
21
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:02,624
Winter Wonder Weed.
22
00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:05,960
We have Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.
23
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,378
Oh, it's a Weederful Life.
24
00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,839
God, does everything have
to be about Christmas?
25
00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:11,716
Hey, some people like the holidays.
26
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:15,803
I had Hanukkah Hash, but the kids from
Temple Shalom Immanuel cleaned me out.
27
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,139
What is this? "Kwanzaa Cookout. "
28
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,557
A little more expensive.
29
00:02:20,266 --> 00:02:22,352
This is like Duvalier Dank from October.
30
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:24,020
- I'll take it.
- Oh. Hello, gentlemen.
31
00:02:24,187 --> 00:02:25,521
Mm.
32
00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:26,898
- Shit.
- What?
33
00:02:27,065 --> 00:02:28,733
You have anything to smoke out of?
34
00:03:07,939 --> 00:03:10,274
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
35
00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:13,444
Wall Street sucks! Wall Street sucks!
36
00:03:13,611 --> 00:03:15,279
Ah, Mr. Lee? I'm here.
37
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:19,450
Wait...
38
00:03:19,617 --> 00:03:20,827
...more protesters?
39
00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,955
Do they really think we
care what poor people think?
40
00:03:24,122 --> 00:03:25,289
Kenneth, it's Christmas.
41
00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:27,917
They're out of work. You'd be upset too.
42
00:03:28,084 --> 00:03:29,961
Let's see how you did
on your assignment.
43
00:03:30,128 --> 00:03:33,381
I think I found the absolute
best gift for your father-in-law.
44
00:03:33,548 --> 00:03:36,342
And, Mr. Lee, I think you're
gonna be really pleased.
45
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:38,761
Ow.
46
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,596
Oh, my God.
47
00:03:40,763 --> 00:03:41,431
Hi.
48
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:43,057
This is a Sharp...
49
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,309
...52" Aquos Quattron TV...
50
00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:48,104
...with state-of-the-art
3D technology...
51
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:50,314
...that makes Avatar look Avatar-ded.
52
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:53,317
I don't know. Hasn't the 3D
thing jumped the shark by now?
53
00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:54,986
Mr. Lee, you don't understand.
54
00:03:55,153 --> 00:03:56,988
This is the best 3D you've ever seen.
55
00:03:57,155 --> 00:03:58,865
It's gonna be amazing!
56
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,618
Who are you looking at?
57
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:08,958
Mr. Lee!
58
00:04:09,459 --> 00:04:10,793
Want me to call you a cab...
59
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,795
...a town car, a limo? It's not safe...
60
00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,797
...out there.
- No, thanks, Kenneth.
61
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:16,841
I got a buddy picking me up.
62
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,969
One more thing! Merry
Christmas to you...
63
00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:21,596
...Harold, and Happy New Year!
64
00:04:21,763 --> 00:04:22,638
Hey, over there.
65
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:23,765
We got another one.
66
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,517
Don't worry, Mr. Lee.
I'll distract them.
67
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:28,186
Hey...
68
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,022
...angry protesters! I just
got a huge Christmas bonus...
69
00:04:31,189 --> 00:04:33,107
...so you can suck my rich, yellow...
70
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:33,983
...dick!
71
00:04:47,038 --> 00:04:47,705
Get him!
72
00:05:20,446 --> 00:05:21,197
Dude!
73
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:22,698
Open the door!
74
00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:24,659
Unh. Thank God you're here.
75
00:05:25,451 --> 00:05:27,453
I thought those hippies
were gonna kill you.
76
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,665
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoo!
77
00:05:30,832 --> 00:05:32,208
Just drive. Todd, drive.
78
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,336
No, no, no! No, no, no!
79
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:36,045
Oh, great.
80
00:05:36,212 --> 00:05:37,588
Now we're getting tinkled on.
81
00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:39,757
- It's just urine. It'll wash out.
- Oh, Harry.
82
00:05:39,966 --> 00:05:42,343
Tinkle on the windshield
is the grossest thing...
83
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,095
...that has ever happened to me.
84
00:05:46,097 --> 00:05:47,098
Ugh.
85
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:57,066
It smells like shit in here.
86
00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:08,744
Hey...
87
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,413
...neighbor.
- Hey, man.
88
00:06:10,580 --> 00:06:11,789
What's up? What are you...?
89
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:14,792
You're here a little early.
You didn't go to the bathroom?
90
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,002
No, Why?
91
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:18,504
I made a mess.
92
00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:20,089
Right. Don't talk about it.
93
00:06:20,256 --> 00:06:21,465
What the hell's going on?
94
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:23,259
Relax. It's not what it looks like.
95
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:26,846
Unless it looks like I rent your
bathroom for homeless people to shit in.
96
00:06:27,013 --> 00:06:28,347
Then it's what it looks like.
97
00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:29,807
The fuck?
98
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,642
It's the coffee at the shelter.
99
00:06:31,809 --> 00:06:33,102
It's powerful, man.
100
00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:36,355
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
101
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,190
Okay, next, please. Move.
102
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:39,442
No. Hey, no.
103
00:06:39,609 --> 00:06:41,652
I was gonna split the
profits with you...
104
00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,156
...which at a buck a dump,
comes out to be 40 bucks.
105
00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:47,700
- I don't wa... Seriously, 40 bucks?
- Yeah.
106
00:06:47,867 --> 00:06:50,786
Oh. That reminds me. Remember
that chick I met on the Internet?
107
00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:53,873
- The one with the huge clit?
- No, not Clitzilla.
108
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:58,085
- I'm talking about Mary.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Virgin Mary.
109
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,504
Yes, exactly. Well, get
this. She wants me...
110
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:03,049
...to deflower her.
111
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:04,717
Tonight. Christmas Eve.
112
00:07:04,884 --> 00:07:07,345
At a party she's throwing
in Manhattan. Best part:
113
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,472
- You're coming with me.
- No can do, man.
114
00:07:09,639 --> 00:07:12,725
I gotta stay here and smoke this
weed, otherwise I won't get high.
115
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,185
Why not ask your roommate?
116
00:07:14,352 --> 00:07:16,854
Because you're the best.
I don't wanna go with him.
117
00:07:17,021 --> 00:07:20,024
I already asked him. He said
no. He's spending Christmas...
118
00:07:20,191 --> 00:07:21,859
...with his stupid girlfriend.
119
00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:24,987
Mm. This is what happens.
They get a girlfriend...
120
00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:27,031
...then they get married...
121
00:07:27,198 --> 00:07:29,116
...then you never hear from them again.
122
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,536
Fuck it, I'm in.
123
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:33,829
Yes.
124
00:07:34,580 --> 00:07:36,540
What are we doing here, Harry?
125
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,209
You know what Dr. Oz says?
126
00:07:38,376 --> 00:07:39,919
Guys our age need to watch...
127
00:07:40,086 --> 00:07:41,712
...our cholesterol.
- Yeah, I know.
128
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:45,549
I'm in for a really stressful weekend.
I just needed some comfort food.
129
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,886
Don't get too comfortable. Keep your
game face on for your father-in-law.
130
00:07:49,053 --> 00:07:50,721
- Did you stock the fridge?
- I did.
131
00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:53,391
- With ethnic items that he might need?
- I did.
132
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,226
- Did you Pledge the banister?
- Check.
133
00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:57,186
- Did you get the potpourri balls?
- Yes.
134
00:07:57,353 --> 00:07:59,021
Letting him have the master bedroom?
135
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,606
No.
136
00:08:00,773 --> 00:08:03,067
Harry. Unh! No, no, no.
137
00:08:03,234 --> 00:08:04,735
Might have S'ed the bed on that.
138
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:07,029
You can curse in front
of me. Baby's not here.
139
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:08,739
I know. Force of habit. Just...
140
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,075
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
141
00:08:11,409 --> 00:08:14,412
- That's a Mr. Pibb, Sprite, Diet Coke suicide?
- Correct.
142
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,872
- There you go.
- Thank you, kind sir.
143
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:19,917
Oh, by the way, you got
shit all over your car.
144
00:08:21,002 --> 00:08:23,587
Thank you for the update.
Don't appreciate the language.
145
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,756
Everybody's got a
potty mouth these days.
146
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,050
It is a G-D shame.
147
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,011
And they'll burn in H.
148
00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:37,768
Wow, the Jewish
neighbors must hate this.
149
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,563
Well, Harry. Harry.
150
00:08:40,730 --> 00:08:42,023
You have outdone yourself.
151
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,566
If you knew Maria's dad...
152
00:08:43,733 --> 00:08:45,443
...you'd pull out all the stops too.
153
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,611
Has not accepted you
as part of the family?
154
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:51,824
No, not yet. But he's a huge fan of
Christmas. I'm hoping when he sees...
155
00:08:51,991 --> 00:08:53,617
...all the work, he appreciates it.
156
00:08:53,784 --> 00:08:54,869
Oh, so smart.
157
00:08:55,036 --> 00:08:56,704
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
158
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:58,247
Oh. Jinx.
159
00:08:58,414 --> 00:09:01,333
You always do that. You
keep doing it. It's crazy.
160
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,794
Okay, I'll Skype you later or text you.
161
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,129
Or both.
162
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,007
Maria!
163
00:09:08,424 --> 00:09:10,801
Oh, hi there. Somebody's looking...
164
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,554
...uh, very merry today.
165
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,598
Somebody is also...
166
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,641
...ovulating.
167
00:09:18,184 --> 00:09:19,435
Um...
168
00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:23,647
Your dad is gonna be here any
minute, though. Honestly, that's...
169
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:26,650
- Baby. Then let's get to it.
- Oh!
170
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,569
Because when they get here...
171
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:32,782
...we are going to have no private time.
172
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,408
I don't know if we should.
173
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:36,994
Now, come on and fuck a baby into me.
174
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:39,205
Okay, I will.
175
00:09:41,207 --> 00:09:43,542
Two-hander.
Okay. Ha-ha-ha.
176
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,712
If it's a baby I gotta give you,
it's a baby you're gonna get.
177
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:50,174
Shit.
178
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,178
Go. Go.
179
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,599
Be cool.
180
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,271
Carlos, Merry Christmas.
181
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,233
Hello, Harold.
182
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:10,486
You made the drive in record
time. Didn't speed, did you?
183
00:10:14,365 --> 00:10:15,866
Empanadas?
184
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:18,327
Where's Maria?
185
00:10:18,494 --> 00:10:19,286
She's upstairs...
186
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:20,788
getting read)'
187
00:10:20,955 --> 00:10:22,206
Can I get you a beer?
188
00:10:22,373 --> 00:10:23,582
What the hell is that?
189
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,712
She caught your eye, huh? Ha, ha.
190
00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:30,297
This is our Christmas tree.
191
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:31,590
Is it fake?
192
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,551
It's faux, actually.
193
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,261
You celebrating real Christmas...
194
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:37,221
...or a faux Christmas?
195
00:10:37,388 --> 00:10:38,889
Real Christmas?
196
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,225
Then why the hell would
you buy a faux tree?
197
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,060
It's an investment, really.
198
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:44,311
Daddy.
199
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:45,771
Daddy!
200
00:10:46,272 --> 00:10:47,064
God.
201
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,232
I've missed you!
202
00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:50,734
And the whole family...
203
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:51,819
...is here.
204
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,113
Hi...
205
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,322
...everybody!
206
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,159
Oh, God.
207
00:11:00,411 --> 00:11:02,079
Oh. I guess Timo...
208
00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,247
...made parole.
209
00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:05,082
Uh, not exactly.
210
00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:07,835
Hey! Let's take a picture. Everybody!
211
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,130
You take it.
212
00:11:11,297 --> 00:11:13,591
You people are real
good with those things.
213
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,094
It's just the weekend.
214
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,805
It's just the weekend.
215
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,768
Has this ever happened to you?
216
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,145
This stupid waffle's stuck.
217
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,273
Oh, my God! Billy!
218
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,608
- Heh-heh-heh. -
George, call 911!
219
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:31,775
This is fucked up.
220
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:32,860
How about this?
221
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,323
Well, it doesn't have to any more.
222
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,617
Introducing WaffleBot'.
223
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:41,827
WaffleBot!
224
00:11:43,287 --> 00:11:45,789
Just pop the top, let that batter drop
225
00:11:45,956 --> 00:11:47,833
...and WaffleBot' does the rest.
226
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:49,793
Make every breakfast a Bot-fast.
227
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:53,005
Thanks, WaffleBot!
228
00:11:53,214 --> 00:11:54,965
WAFFLEBOT I love you.
229
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,175
Get the Christmas
230
00:11:56,342 --> 00:11:58,385
...toy of the season while they're hot.
231
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,015
I'm busy, Adrian! Go away!
232
00:12:03,224 --> 00:12:05,726
Kumar! It's Vanessa.
233
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,480
Hey. Looks like somebody missed me.
234
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,315
Come on in.
235
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:13,817
Since when do you have a beard?
236
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,904
I actually have not shaved
since you left. Pretty romantic.
237
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,406
Kind of like Ryan
Gosling in The Notebook.
238
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,659
When's the last time you cleaned?
239
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,661
Like three months ago.
240
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:24,870
Less romantic?
241
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,330
Little bit, yeah.
242
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:28,832
I'm sorry, where are
my manners? Here. Here.
243
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:29,750
Oh, no, no, no.
244
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,335
No, I shouldn't.
245
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:32,503
Of course you should.
246
00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:34,380
Kumar, I really need to talk to you.
247
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:37,758
I'm pregnant.
248
00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:40,344
You're pregnant?
249
00:12:40,678 --> 00:12:41,720
We...
250
00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,013
We practiced safe sex.
251
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,100
I mean, I pulled out
and came on your back.
252
00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:47,559
A couple squeaks got by...
253
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,687
...but is that all it takes?
- Yes.
254
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,564
That's all. No wonder you
flunked out of med school
255
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:55,276
I didn't flunk out of med
school. I failed a drug test.
256
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:56,568
How do I even know...
257
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:57,861
...that the baby's mine?
258
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,364
I haven't slept with
anyone since we broke up.
259
00:13:00,698 --> 00:13:02,032
Nice.
260
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,201
What do you want to do about it?
261
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,536
All right, um...
262
00:13:14,295 --> 00:13:16,463
This is the part where
the kid's tongue...
263
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:17,923
...gets stuck to a pole. Ha, ha.
264
00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:20,384
Oh. Ha, ha. I'm sorry.
265
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:24,805
Um, are we having a conversation right
now, or are you watching A Christmas Story?
266
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,598
Both. No.
267
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,143
- I mean...
- You know what? I knew you...
268
00:13:29,310 --> 00:13:31,103
...couldn't handle this.
- I'm sorry.
269
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,396
I'm really high.
270
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:35,774
This is not about you being high.
This is about you being immature.
271
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:38,110
It's why I couldn't stay here any more.
272
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:40,404
You are perfectly
fine creating a mess...
273
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,906
...but when it comes
to cleaning one up...
274
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,491
...you're MIA.
275
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,784
Give me a half hour...
276
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:46,994
...to sober up.
277
00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:48,704
Fuck.
278
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,587
Dad, you good? You need
a drink or...? No? Okay.
279
00:14:00,424 --> 00:14:02,718
- Maria. I love you.
- Ha,ha.
280
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,094
Glad your family's here.
281
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,346
I'm just wondering...
282
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:09,308
...how we're gonna deal with the Christmas
party with all these extra guests.
283
00:14:09,475 --> 00:14:11,477
We'll make it work.
We have plenty of room.
284
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,187
Okay.
285
00:14:13,354 --> 00:14:14,188
I'm sorry.
286
00:14:14,355 --> 00:14:15,814
I left my wallet upstairs. Thank you.
287
00:14:17,358 --> 00:14:18,442
Harold.
288
00:14:18,609 --> 00:14:20,361
Hey, speaking of guests...
289
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,738
...are you sure you
don't wanna invite Kumar?
290
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:26,533
Kumar? You kidding me? I
haven't seen that guy in years.
291
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,534
Kumar has been...
292
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:30,537
...your friend for a long time.
- It is perfectly normal.
293
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:33,457
People lose half their
friends every seven years.
294
00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:35,292
It's not like I don't have friends.
295
00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:38,128
- Todd? Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
- At least he doesn't...
296
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:40,381
...create a disaster everywhere he goes.
297
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:43,300
Ah, okay.
298
00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:51,392
Rosetta Stone.
299
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,519
A lifesaver.
300
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:04,988
Be right there!
301
00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:17,334
Harold? He hasn't lived here in so long.
302
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,715
Maybe we can...
303
00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:25,843
Are you sure we have to...
304
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,011
...throw it out?
- This tree is a cancer.
305
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,556
We have to get rid of it
before it kills Christmas.
306
00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:32,182
Very intense wording.
307
00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,357
Wow! Oh, my God.
308
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,693
I can't believe you
brought the tree. Ha-ha-ha.
309
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,945
Am I missing something?
310
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,281
Every Christmas we use
a tree that Dad grew.
311
00:15:47,448 --> 00:15:49,366
- Oh. Twelve-foot Fraser fir.
312
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,743
Look at the branch distribution.
313
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:52,578
Oh, I see.
314
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:53,871
Hey, hey!
315
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:55,789
She's very delicate.
316
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,250
I've been growing her for eight years.
317
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:02,546
Eight years, wow. I never knew
Christmas trees were such a big deal.
318
00:16:03,881 --> 00:16:04,923
Oh, God.
319
00:16:05,090 --> 00:16:06,383
Not a big deal?
320
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,719
Let me tell you a story, Harold.
321
00:16:08,886 --> 00:16:10,554
Growing up in Medellin...
322
00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:14,141
...my family was too poor to
celebrate Christmas properly.
323
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:21,440
"Please, let me wake up and find
a big, beautiful Christmas tree. "
324
00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:23,066
And every Christmas...
325
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,569
...I was heartbroken.
326
00:16:25,736 --> 00:16:28,739
When my mother finally
moved me to America...
327
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:30,741
...she promised me we would have...
328
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:34,620
...a Christmas tree every
Christmas from then on.
329
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:38,957
But one week before that first
Christmas, while walking home from work...
330
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,959
...she was violently attacked...
331
00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:43,128
...by a gang of Korean punks.
332
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,810
They stabbed her multiple times.
333
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:01,104
- Fucking kill her!
- Whoo!
334
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:05,651
She bled to death.
335
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,944
So I guess...
336
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:10,781
...you could say, yes, a
Christmas tree is a big deal.
337
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,115
Oh, my God.
338
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:16,453
- Why didn't you tell me?
- I'm sorry.
339
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,413
Pepe! Where are the ornaments?
340
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:19,248
I don't know.
341
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,624
My eyes are all fucked up.
342
00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:23,794
You can't celebrate Christmas
with a naked tree! It's indecent!
343
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,837
Maria, forget about midnight Mass.
344
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,839
Tonight, we're decorating the tree.
345
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:30,425
Oh, Daddy, I wanted to
spend tonight in the city...
346
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:31,802
with you guys.
347
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,095
Wait.
348
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,389
I got this.
349
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:39,643
I'll take care of the tree. You
have a family night in Manhattan.
350
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,645
No. No, no, no.
351
00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:43,647
We brought the tree all the way down.
352
00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:45,857
It has to look perfect
on Christmas morning.
353
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:50,529
Carlos, it will. Tell me exactly what
you want and I'll take care of it.
354
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:52,990
When you come back, the
tree will be decorated.
355
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:56,493
This house, I promise
you, is gonna be perfect.
356
00:18:05,836 --> 00:18:09,047
You know, I like the beard,
but I love clean-shaven you.
357
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,341
You look like an Indian Don Draper.
358
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,051
What did Vanessa do to suck...
359
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,678
...the life out of you...
360
00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:16,054
...this afternoon?
361
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:20,017
I don't have anyone else to confide
in. I might as well tell you. Uh...
362
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:21,685
Vanessa's pregnant...
363
00:18:21,852 --> 00:18:22,686
A queefer.
364
00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:24,730
- What?
- I knew it.
365
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:28,400
I used to date this black chick, she
used to queef every time we had sex.
366
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:31,528
It was ridiculous. I used
to call her Queen Laqueefa.
367
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:34,364
When was the last time you saw this guy?
368
00:18:34,573 --> 00:18:36,408
- Two years ago.
- So...
369
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:39,870
...why are we dropping off this
package? You said this guy was a chode.
370
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:43,040
He is, all right? I just... I
don't want his shit in my place.
371
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,210
Can we put on some Wu-Tang?
372
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:50,088
What? No. No Wu-Tang, okay?
Christmas music. I like it.
373
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,840
Because you weren't brought up...
374
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:53,884
...normal, doesn't
mean you should ruin it.
375
00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:55,010
You're Jewish.
376
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:55,844
I know, right?
377
00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:01,099
Sure this is the right address?
378
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:05,312
Whoa. Looks like your ex-boyf's
moving up in the world. Heh.
379
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,272
I guess.
380
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,108
I'll be right back. I'm
just gonna drop this off.
381
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:17,074
Big house, lot of bathrooms.
382
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,743
Lot of poopies, lot of money.
383
00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:21,078
Daddy likes.
384
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:42,683
Fuck!
385
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,606
Kumar?
386
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,776
Hello, Harold.
387
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,113
- Hey.
- Hey.
388
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,281
- Hey.
- I was...
389
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,659
- How are you? Good to see you.
- Oh, hey.
390
00:20:01,118 --> 00:20:03,120
- How you doing?
- Good to see you too. Good.
391
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:07,624
You got a package that came for you at
the apartment. So I was dropping it off.
392
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,127
Oh. Okay, cool.
393
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:12,713
You look terrific. You lose weight?
394
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,425
No. Gained. Quite a bit, actually.
This is a really nice house.
395
00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:19,553
No. You know.
396
00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,348
Do you want to come in for a drink...
397
00:20:23,515 --> 00:20:24,683
...or something?
398
00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:25,976
Um...
399
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,521
Christmas, Christmas
400
00:20:29,771 --> 00:20:30,731
Do you not have time?
401
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:31,898
- Oh.
- Oh.
402
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,486
- Come in, come in. Come in. Come on.
- Sure.
403
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:39,156
Watch your step, it's icy there.
404
00:20:40,991 --> 00:20:42,743
Eggnog? Empanadas?
405
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,454
Uh... Sure. Yeah.
406
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:48,665
Hey, this place is, like, not shitty.
407
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:50,834
Oh. Thank you. Yeah.
408
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:55,213
Bay window is brand-new, actually.
We just put that in last week.
409
00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:57,883
The sconces are new. Sconces
are actually brand-new.
410
00:20:58,258 --> 00:21:03,388
Yeah, I was gonna say, it looks like
you guys got some awesome sconces.
411
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,682
Thank you. That's very sweet of you.
412
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:08,185
So, what's up with this package?
413
00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:11,438
My name and your address. That's weird.
414
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,273
I haven't lived there for so long.
415
00:21:13,482 --> 00:21:15,025
I know. That's strange.
416
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:17,986
Whoa.
417
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:23,784
Ooh.
418
00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:26,870
What the hell is this?
419
00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:29,080
That's a gigantic
joint. What do you think?
420
00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:30,499
Is this a joke?
421
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,709
- No. I swear.
- Did you do this?
422
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:34,753
Had I known, I would have smoked it.
423
00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,546
Is there a...?
424
00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,256
No return address.
425
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:41,593
I don't even see any stamps on this.
426
00:21:42,219 --> 00:21:43,428
What are you doing?
427
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:44,387
Getting not low.
428
00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:45,889
No smoking in this house.
429
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:48,308
What? What douche
came up with that rule?
430
00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,268
This douche did.
431
00:21:57,776 --> 00:21:58,902
That was good shit.
432
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:00,779
I don't care, okay?
433
00:22:00,946 --> 00:22:02,155
I don't smoke any more.
434
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,782
- What?
- I just felt...
435
00:22:03,949 --> 00:22:05,867
...that a lot of times
when I got high...
436
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,161
...things would go really wrong. 80...
437
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:11,331
But, Harold, weed is so good.
438
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:12,791
It gets you high.
439
00:22:12,958 --> 00:22:14,543
I got nothing against weed, okay?
440
00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:17,295
Had plenty of fun times with
weed. But I'm an adult now.
441
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:20,423
And frankly, I'm kind of glad
that the craziness is behind me.
442
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:22,676
Do you smell something burning?
443
00:22:24,094 --> 00:22:25,095
Oh, shit!
444
00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:26,847
Oh, shit.
- Shit.
445
00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:28,265
Shit!
446
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:30,600
It's spreading. It's spreading!
447
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:32,102
Here.
448
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:34,271
Bah,bah,bah! Not the throw pillows!
449
00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:35,564
Seriously?
450
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:39,693
I did it anyway!
451
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:41,111
What the fuck?!
452
00:22:47,284 --> 00:22:48,034
Shit!
453
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:49,369
Maria's dad will kill me!
454
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:50,328
Stop yelling!
455
00:22:50,495 --> 00:22:52,455
We gotta get rid of this tree!
456
00:22:53,123 --> 00:22:54,165
Okay.
457
00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:09,389
That's why you gotta buy those
faux trees. They last forever.
458
00:23:11,975 --> 00:23:13,727
Calm down. It's just a Christmas tree.
459
00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:14,978
"Just a Christmas tree"?
460
00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:17,355
Maria's dad grew that tree...
461
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:18,982
...and now it is dead.
462
00:23:19,149 --> 00:23:22,444
Koreans have killed his mother, and
now this tree. Christmas is ruined.
463
00:23:22,611 --> 00:23:23,820
Christmas isn't ruined.
464
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,864
Yes, it is. You have ruined Christmas.
465
00:23:26,031 --> 00:23:28,617
They're gonna come home from
Mass and expect to see...
466
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:31,328
...a decorated tree, but
they are gonna see that.
467
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:34,372
Dude, you're overreacting.
There's plenty of tree lots.
468
00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:36,917
We'll drive around till
we find the right tree.
469
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,418
We're not gonna do anything.
470
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:42,380
You know what? Um, this is my fault.
471
00:23:42,547 --> 00:23:44,799
I take full responsibility.
Please leave.
472
00:23:44,966 --> 00:23:47,093
I will take care of this. Thank you.
473
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:49,137
- I don't mind helping out...
- I got it.
474
00:23:49,679 --> 00:23:50,889
- We have a van...
- I got it.
475
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:54,684
Okay. You got it.
476
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:57,270
- You need anything, just give me...
- Merry Christmas.
477
00:24:00,899 --> 00:24:02,025
Merry Christmas, Harold.
478
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,822
What the fuck took so long?
479
00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:09,532
Nothing. Let's just go.
480
00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:13,203
You never told me Harold was Asian.
I always pictured an old white guy.
481
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:21,878
Freeze! This is a robbery.
Give me all your friendship.
482
00:24:22,045 --> 00:24:23,463
Oh, wow, look at that.
483
00:24:23,672 --> 00:24:25,757
You know, it's kind of
better than a window.
484
00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,926
It's like a stained-glass
window of paper.
485
00:24:28,093 --> 00:24:29,260
Any luck with the tree?
486
00:24:29,427 --> 00:24:31,721
- Oh, you brought Ava.
- Uh, yeah, sorry. I have Ava.
487
00:24:31,888 --> 00:24:33,556
It's "3D."
488
00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:34,265
Hmm?
489
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:35,433
Daddy-Daughter Day.
490
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,602
You can't back out of
Daddy-Daughter Day...
491
00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:40,397
...because Emma says that
leads to abandonment issues...
492
00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:43,066
...and then stripping and
meth and biker boyfriend.
493
00:24:43,233 --> 00:24:44,401
- All bad things.
- Ah.
494
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,611
- The tree, though.
- Yes, so I called-
495
00:24:47,779 --> 00:24:49,698
Oh, here it goes. Here it goes.
496
00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:52,200
The itsy bitsy spider
497
00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:53,576
Crawled up the water spout
498
00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:55,120
They say that singing is...
499
00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,414
...the best way to
communicate with a child.
500
00:24:57,580 --> 00:24:58,873
I guess I haven't found...
501
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,583
...the right song for her yet.
502
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,585
That's too bad. Uh, the tree?
503
00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:04,838
The tree. Right. So I called them.
504
00:25:05,005 --> 00:25:06,423
They had one 12-foot fir left.
505
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:08,925
- And I reserved it.
- You got it?
506
00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:11,928
- Yeah.
- Yes! You should have led off with that.
507
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,763
I know. I don't know why I didn't.
508
00:25:13,930 --> 00:25:15,765
- Okay, good. Let's go.
- Whoo!
509
00:25:15,932 --> 00:25:16,850
You know.
510
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:18,268
Okay. Next time.
511
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:24,649
Now, before this party...
512
00:25:24,816 --> 00:25:26,443
...we got to talk about your game.
513
00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:29,988
Heh. The last time you hit on a chick,
you had to ask for her beeper number.
514
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:32,949
Get it?
515
00:25:34,951 --> 00:25:36,077
Aw, dude, turn in there!
516
00:25:36,619 --> 00:25:38,246
Really? A tree farm'?
517
00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:43,710
"Best selection"...
518
00:25:43,877 --> 00:25:44,544
...my ass.
519
00:25:44,753 --> 00:25:46,880
It's Christmas Eve,
okay? What do you expect?
520
00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:48,298
If I was a tree farmer...
521
00:25:48,465 --> 00:25:51,134
...I'd be embarrassed.
These trees are ghetto.
522
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:52,469
What the fuck that mean?
523
00:25:54,054 --> 00:25:56,473
He's just playing. How
you doing? I'm Latrell.
524
00:25:56,890 --> 00:25:58,224
Hello. Kumar.
525
00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:00,977
This here's my partner in crime, Lamar.
526
00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:04,439
Ah!
527
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:06,399
- So you two own this tree lot?
- What?
528
00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:10,236
A couple of brothers can't sell trees?
Only swing from them like monkeys?
529
00:26:10,403 --> 00:26:13,740
What? No! Of course
not. You could do both.
530
00:26:13,907 --> 00:26:15,408
- What?
- What?
531
00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:17,577
My boy here gets cagey
during the holidays.
532
00:26:17,744 --> 00:26:20,580
Heh, heh. Word. Word.
My boy here, same way.
533
00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:22,832
Cagey as shit. Right, boy?
534
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:26,002
If you're looking for trees, you
should know we do custom work.
535
00:26:26,169 --> 00:26:29,005
Here's one we did
for Ja Rule. Ha-ha-ha.
536
00:26:29,172 --> 00:26:29,881
Ooh. We'll take it.
537
00:26:30,048 --> 00:26:30,715
Pow.
538
00:26:30,882 --> 00:26:33,802
- Ooh. How much is that?
- That tree'? Sorry.
539
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:35,303
Just got reserved.
540
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:37,305
I really need it. I'll pay double.
541
00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:38,848
Oh, I got you now.
542
00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:41,392
You think you can buy
the black man's soul.
543
00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:43,603
Like we some Wayne
Brady-ass niggers, right?
544
00:26:43,895 --> 00:26:44,604
Triple.
545
00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:46,314
I'll get the rope.
546
00:26:46,523 --> 00:26:47,857
- Quadruple.
- Stop.
547
00:26:48,024 --> 00:26:49,651
Sold.
548
00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:55,907
Can we drop this tree off at
Sulu's and head to the city?
549
00:26:56,116 --> 00:26:58,409
Just hold on a second, all right?
550
00:26:58,618 --> 00:26:59,869
I see what you're doing.
551
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:01,329
Forget about her.
552
00:27:01,496 --> 00:27:02,747
- Think about me.
- All right.
553
00:27:02,914 --> 00:27:06,417
Hold on. We'll drop the tree off and
then we'll go get you your virgin.
554
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:08,044
Yeah.
555
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:12,340
We got another customer.
556
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,760
Can I play angry black guy this time?
557
00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:17,679
Aw, come on. You just played it.
558
00:27:17,846 --> 00:27:19,180
And I got triple the money.
559
00:27:19,347 --> 00:27:21,224
Come on, please? Come on!
560
00:27:21,391 --> 00:27:22,392
Three French hens
561
00:27:22,559 --> 00:27:23,601
Would you stop?
562
00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:24,769
I wish I could stop
563
00:27:24,936 --> 00:27:26,187
Sorry, I'm trying my best
564
00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:27,438
Hi. You guys in charge?
565
00:27:28,731 --> 00:27:32,443
Yeah. What the fuck is
it to you, motherfucker?
566
00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:33,778
Gat's"s coming out
567
00:27:33,945 --> 00:27:35,363
That was so good. Ha, ha.
568
00:27:35,530 --> 00:27:37,907
We're just here to pick
up a tree that we reserved.
569
00:27:38,074 --> 00:27:39,200
- We called.
- Oh, yeah?
570
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,953
We just sold your little
punk-ass tree, bitch!
571
00:27:42,162 --> 00:27:43,079
What? You sold it?
572
00:27:43,246 --> 00:27:43,788
To who?
573
00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:45,790
Those white boys over there.
574
00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:49,294
Fuck!
575
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:50,211
Hey.)'-
576
00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:51,713
Aah! Where are we going?
577
00:27:52,172 --> 00:27:54,924
Maybe if we catch up to them,
they'll sell the tree to us.
578
00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:55,925
Good idea!
579
00:27:57,927 --> 00:27:58,595
I'm sorry.
580
00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:00,722
- You lost your gangsta grill.
- I know.
581
00:28:00,889 --> 00:28:03,141
- How you gonna be a gangsta?
- I'm not one.
582
00:28:03,308 --> 00:28:06,186
- I gotta wear those tomorrow.
- I know.
583
00:28:06,436 --> 00:28:08,646
- You know I love you, right?
- I think you do.
584
00:28:08,813 --> 00:28:11,065
- I don't know why, but I love you.
- Thank you.
585
00:28:11,232 --> 00:28:13,610
Oh-ho-ho. Okay.
Slow it down...
586
00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:15,612
...because we got precious cargo...
587
00:28:15,778 --> 00:28:17,780
...and it is very icy out there.
588
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,825
- What? I don't see any ice.
- You've never heard of black ice?
589
00:28:20,992 --> 00:28:24,078
It's like the worst ice there
is. Black ice, it's everywhere.
590
00:28:24,245 --> 00:28:26,331
Relax. I can feel the
road. It's not that bad.
591
00:28:28,082 --> 00:28:29,250
Yo, slow down, man.
592
00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:32,503
- You're going a little fast.
- I gotta get to this party ASAP.
593
00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:35,089
Pussy's not like yogurt.
It has an expiration date.
594
00:28:35,256 --> 00:28:36,841
Yogurt has an expiration date.
595
00:28:37,008 --> 00:28:39,844
Does it? Damn it. Okay.
That explains a lot.
596
00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:41,679
It was really sour.
597
00:28:41,846 --> 00:28:43,848
But yogurt is sour,
so how was I to know?
598
00:28:44,515 --> 00:28:46,351
Are you really hot? I'm, like, hot...
599
00:28:46,517 --> 00:28:47,769
...but I'm cold... Hello?
600
00:28:47,936 --> 00:28:49,270
You're not looking at me.
601
00:28:49,437 --> 00:28:51,481
I should look at the
road and you look at me.
602
00:28:51,648 --> 00:28:52,815
- It's opposite.
- Watch out!
603
00:28:53,107 --> 00:28:54,150
Ow, ow.
604
00:28:56,986 --> 00:28:57,862
Holy shit!
605
00:28:58,029 --> 00:28:58,696
Black ice!
606
00:28:58,863 --> 00:28:59,948
Black ice! It's real!
607
00:29:00,365 --> 00:29:01,699
Oh, shit!
608
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:03,326
Oh, my God!
609
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:05,161
Don't just scream!
610
00:29:05,328 --> 00:29:06,454
You're just screaming!
611
00:29:06,621 --> 00:29:07,538
That's not helpful!
612
00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:10,458
Oh, shit!
613
00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:20,468
Holy shit!
614
00:29:20,635 --> 00:29:21,552
Oh, Harry, stop!
615
00:29:22,345 --> 00:29:25,265
Aw... Glass is sharp. Glass is sharp.
616
00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:30,228
Oh, my ass.
617
00:29:30,395 --> 00:29:34,399
I am so going to tweet
about that. Heh-heh-heh.
618
00:29:34,565 --> 00:29:36,567
You guys all right? How are you alive?
619
00:29:37,193 --> 00:29:37,902
Harold?
620
00:29:38,361 --> 00:29:39,404
Kumar?
621
00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:42,031
That was you at the tree
farm? You took my tree?
622
00:29:42,865 --> 00:29:45,076
- So you killed two trees in one night.
- Hold on.
623
00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:47,161
That is a perfectly salvageable tree.
624
00:29:50,290 --> 00:29:52,583
That was a perfectly salvageable tree.
625
00:29:52,792 --> 00:29:56,754
That was the only 12-foot Fraser
fir left in the fucking state.
626
00:29:56,921 --> 00:29:57,714
Fuck your tree!
627
00:29:57,880 --> 00:29:58,923
What about my car?
628
00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:00,258
I got a virgin to fuck!
629
00:30:00,425 --> 00:30:01,884
Who is this? Who is Glasses?
630
00:30:02,051 --> 00:30:03,928
Heh. Nice, Harry.
631
00:30:04,554 --> 00:30:06,806
- This is my friend, Adrian.
- Oh.
632
00:30:07,181 --> 00:30:08,182
He's young.
633
00:30:08,349 --> 00:30:09,892
- Thank you.
- Don't respond to him.
634
00:30:10,059 --> 00:30:11,519
Why the I-I...
635
00:30:11,686 --> 00:30:13,271
...did you F-wads...
636
00:30:13,438 --> 00:30:17,442
...take the tree that we had
specifically called and reserved?
637
00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:18,776
Who is this toolbox?
638
00:30:18,943 --> 00:30:20,945
This is my friend, Todd.
639
00:30:21,112 --> 00:30:23,114
Oh, yeah? What kind
of friend? Best friend?
640
00:30:23,323 --> 00:30:26,451
- I wouldn't say best... Yes.
- Yeah. Yep. Besties.
641
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,286
That's awesome.
642
00:30:28,453 --> 00:30:29,579
Buddy.
643
00:30:29,746 --> 00:30:30,913
Homey.
644
00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:32,749
This was fun. But I got...
645
00:30:32,915 --> 00:30:34,292
...a hot date in the city.
646
00:30:34,459 --> 00:30:35,626
You have to take me.
647
00:30:35,835 --> 00:30:36,794
What? No.
648
00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:39,922
- We're not taking you anywhere.
- Not going through any tunnels.
649
00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:42,717
Dude, you are not depriving me of this:
650
00:30:42,884 --> 00:30:46,137
Hey, Adrian. I can't
wait to finally meet you.
651
00:30:46,346 --> 00:30:48,890
I'm going to rock your world.
652
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:50,725
I promise...
653
00:30:50,892 --> 00:30:52,435
...it will be worth the wait.
654
00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:56,814
Wait, look at this fir.
655
00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:58,900
I'm pretty sure she's completely shaved.
656
00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:00,318
Shut up. The tree.
657
00:31:00,485 --> 00:31:01,944
It's like Maria's dad's tree.
658
00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:04,322
- It's magnificent.
- I'll make you a deal.
659
00:31:04,489 --> 00:31:06,616
Take me to the party,
I get you that tree.
660
00:31:06,783 --> 00:31:08,159
No. It's already very late.
661
00:31:08,368 --> 00:31:09,619
Shut the fuck up, Todd!
662
00:31:09,786 --> 00:31:11,162
This doesn't concern you!
663
00:31:11,371 --> 00:31:13,331
- Easy.
- He can not... He is not allow...
664
00:31:13,498 --> 00:31:15,249
Hey. Calm down. Calm down.
665
00:31:15,416 --> 00:31:18,336
I'm running out of time. I gotta
be back with a tree by 2 a. m.
666
00:31:18,503 --> 00:31:20,463
Work with me. Listen.
667
00:31:20,630 --> 00:31:21,923
I'm not driving for nothing.
668
00:31:22,090 --> 00:31:24,175
Make sure we can get
the tree, you got a deal.
669
00:31:24,384 --> 00:31:25,009
Done.
670
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:26,928
Hey, douche?
671
00:31:27,095 --> 00:31:27,637
Yeah?
672
00:31:27,804 --> 00:31:28,346
Shotgun.
673
00:31:28,513 --> 00:31:29,263
Oh.
674
00:31:29,514 --> 00:31:30,681
Scr...
675
00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:32,392
S you. S you.
676
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:35,686
"S"?
677
00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:37,355
- "S you"?
- "Screw you. "
678
00:31:37,522 --> 00:31:38,981
- Oh, right.
- Screw you!
679
00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,194
"Harry"? Gotta be kidding me.
680
00:31:45,279 --> 00:31:46,155
The tree is removable?
681
00:31:46,322 --> 00:31:48,282
Your call cannot be completed as dialed.
682
00:31:48,449 --> 00:31:51,160
- Great. Okay, great. Bye. We're good.
- Please hang up...
683
00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:52,328
We can have the tree?
684
00:31:52,495 --> 00:31:53,496
She said it?
685
00:31:53,663 --> 00:31:54,705
She said that, yes.
686
00:31:55,123 --> 00:31:57,125
- Great. Let's go.
- Okay.
687
00:31:59,419 --> 00:32:02,463
What is he doing? What is he doing?
688
00:32:03,131 --> 00:32:04,006
What are you doing?
689
00:32:04,507 --> 00:32:05,299
What?
690
00:32:05,466 --> 00:32:06,717
My daughter's in there!
691
00:32:06,926 --> 00:32:07,468
What?
692
00:32:07,635 --> 00:32:09,887
- Oh, shit!
- What the fuck, Kumar?
693
00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:11,139
I didn't see her.
694
00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,515
You got my baby high!
695
00:32:12,682 --> 00:32:14,475
You got his baby high.
696
00:32:14,642 --> 00:32:15,810
Hold on a second.
697
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:19,397
Nobody gets high the first time they
smoke weed. Don't you know anything?
698
00:32:21,149 --> 00:32:22,316
Okay, great.
699
00:32:22,483 --> 00:32:24,360
Now she has the giggles.
700
00:32:24,652 --> 00:32:26,362
- Sorry.
- If Emma finds out...
701
00:32:26,529 --> 00:32:27,572
...we won't be able...
702
00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:28,990
...to come to the party.
703
00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:30,032
What party?
704
00:32:30,575 --> 00:32:31,993
Oh, it's just a work...
705
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,077
...Christmas party...
706
00:32:33,244 --> 00:32:34,495
...kind of thing.
707
00:32:34,662 --> 00:32:35,246
Right, Todd?
708
00:32:35,455 --> 00:32:36,873
Yeah. It's gonna be...
709
00:32:37,039 --> 00:32:38,082
...classic.
710
00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:41,377
Okay, great. Now she's
having a bad trip.
711
00:32:41,544 --> 00:32:42,712
Try singing again.
712
00:32:42,879 --> 00:32:44,088
It never works.
713
00:32:44,255 --> 00:32:45,756
- Hey. Hey.
- What are you doing?
714
00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:47,758
Hey.)'-
715
00:32:48,050 --> 00:32:49,969
If you want beef, then bring the ruckus
716
00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:51,554
Wu-Tang Clan ain't
717
00:32:51,721 --> 00:32:52,763
Nothin' to fuck with
718
00:32:52,972 --> 00:32:53,890
Straight from
719
00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:55,766
The motherfucking slums that's busted
720
00:32:55,975 --> 00:32:57,435
Wu
- Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with
721
00:32:57,602 --> 00:32:58,478
Ahh.
722
00:33:00,521 --> 00:33:02,231
Dude, you baby-whispered her.
723
00:33:02,607 --> 00:33:04,233
I do not care for the language...
724
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:05,735
...but that was impressive.
725
00:33:05,902 --> 00:33:07,028
What singing group...
726
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:08,613
...is that? -
The Wu-Tang Clan.
727
00:33:08,779 --> 00:33:10,740
The Gu-Ga...
The Wu-Gang Band?
728
00:33:10,907 --> 00:33:12,533
Wu-Tang Clan, Todd.
729
00:33:12,700 --> 00:33:13,367
Harry.
730
00:33:13,534 --> 00:33:15,953
When did you turn into
Mr. Rap-Hop-Expert?
731
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,622
There's a lot you don't know...
732
00:33:17,788 --> 00:33:18,581
...about Harry, huh?
733
00:33:18,789 --> 00:33:19,957
Excuse me?
734
00:33:20,124 --> 00:33:21,959
- Was that directed to me?
- Yeah, douche.
735
00:33:22,126 --> 00:33:23,544
Okay. Taken.
736
00:33:24,921 --> 00:33:26,797
I got the munchies.
737
00:33:27,006 --> 00:33:27,924
Now we have to...
738
00:33:28,090 --> 00:33:30,384
...stop and get some
disgusting food for her.
739
00:33:30,551 --> 00:33:33,429
So she can come down
from her trip. Fantastic.
740
00:33:54,575 --> 00:33:58,246
Oh, by the way, if anybody asks,
I'm Robert Pattinson's acting coach.
741
00:33:58,412 --> 00:33:59,413
- What?
- What?
742
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:02,625
It's just this lie I
sort of got caught in.
743
00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:05,253
Also, I told her you
work for the White House.
744
00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:07,004
Yeah, like anyone's gonna believe that.
745
00:34:11,968 --> 00:34:13,427
ll' is I, the B-I-G, the B-O-I
746
00:34:13,594 --> 00:34:15,638
Well, I spy with my little eye...
747
00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:18,683
...three felonies that I can
see in this room right now.
748
00:34:18,849 --> 00:34:19,684
Four
749
00:34:20,184 --> 00:34:22,937
That's it. That's our
tree. It's perfect.
750
00:34:23,187 --> 00:34:24,855
- It's better than the photograph.
- Ha,ha.
751
00:34:25,064 --> 00:34:25,982
It's perfect.
752
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:26,816
Hey, Glasses.
753
00:34:26,983 --> 00:34:30,111
- Find the girl, get the tree. Come on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
754
00:34:31,571 --> 00:34:32,863
Yo, yo, yo!
755
00:34:33,197 --> 00:34:35,324
What it is, pimp, player...
756
00:34:35,491 --> 00:34:36,284
...et cetera?
757
00:34:36,450 --> 00:34:38,828
- What's up? Where's Mary?
- I don't know...
758
00:34:38,995 --> 00:34:41,789
...dude, but if I was
you, I would steer clear.
759
00:34:41,956 --> 00:34:43,874
Does she have a tail or something? What?
760
00:34:44,083 --> 00:34:47,336
Don't listen to these guys. It
takes balls to do what you're doing.
761
00:34:47,503 --> 00:34:48,504
You're freaking me out.
762
00:34:48,671 --> 00:34:50,298
- What is wrong
with her? Ha-ha-ha.
763
00:34:50,464 --> 00:34:52,091
Oh, my God. Adrian, is that you?
764
00:35:09,984 --> 00:35:11,569
Wow, you look just like
765
00:35:11,736 --> 00:35:12,737
...your profile pic.
766
00:35:12,903 --> 00:35:14,405
You look better. Hi.
767
00:35:14,614 --> 00:35:16,907
You're hot, girl.
768
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:18,242
Thank you.
769
00:35:19,118 --> 00:35:22,246
So do you, like, want to see my room?
770
00:35:22,413 --> 00:35:23,914
Hey, hey. What about the tree'?
771
00:35:24,123 --> 00:35:24,999
I'll get it.
772
00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:28,085
Just give me a minute, all
right, man? Probably less. Heh.
773
00:35:28,252 --> 00:35:29,503
But hopefully more. Heh.
774
00:35:29,670 --> 00:35:30,921
Probably less.
775
00:35:31,130 --> 00:35:32,340
You owe me a tree, punk.
776
00:35:34,759 --> 00:35:36,719
Ugh. Ugh.
777
00:35:36,886 --> 00:35:39,388
Oh, great. Great. This is just great.
778
00:35:39,555 --> 00:35:42,099
- I've got to find a place to change a diaper.
- Oh, God.
779
00:35:42,266 --> 00:35:46,020
Unless, of course, Mr. Wu-Gang Clams
would like to help with some poopy?
780
00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:47,188
Wu-Tang, dude.
781
00:35:47,355 --> 00:35:48,147
Woo-hoo.
782
00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:51,442
Your little friend better get me a tree.
783
00:35:51,859 --> 00:35:53,653
I'm sorry about him, dude. I...
784
00:35:55,905 --> 00:35:57,198
Hey, grandpa!
785
00:35:57,365 --> 00:35:59,075
- Toss it back.
- Who you calling...
786
00:35:59,241 --> 00:36:01,285
...grandpa, dude? I'm barely 30.
787
00:36:01,452 --> 00:36:03,204
Wanna start? I'll kick your ass...
788
00:36:03,371 --> 00:36:04,372
...right now.
789
00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:05,581
Karate Kid style.
790
00:36:05,748 --> 00:36:06,415
Really?
791
00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:08,417
Which Karate Kid are you referring to?
792
00:36:08,584 --> 00:36:12,755
There's only one Karate Kid and it
stars Jackie Chan and my man Jaden Smith.
793
00:36:12,922 --> 00:36:13,923
What?
794
00:36:14,090 --> 00:36:15,675
Generation Z, here's your ball.
795
00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:20,262
Who invited these fucking losers?
796
00:36:20,429 --> 00:36:22,264
Listen, we're friends of Mary, okay?
797
00:36:22,431 --> 00:36:25,226
She promised us we could have
that tree. Okay? Thank you.
798
00:36:25,393 --> 00:36:26,143
What?
799
00:36:26,310 --> 00:36:28,145
Fuck that! I don't care...
800
00:36:28,312 --> 00:36:31,148
...what my sister said. I'm
not letting you take our tree.
801
00:36:31,315 --> 00:36:33,150
Uh, actually, you are, you fuckstain.
802
00:36:33,317 --> 00:36:34,485
Come on.
803
00:36:34,694 --> 00:36:37,238
We're here to pick up the
tree, then we're out of here.
804
00:36:37,405 --> 00:36:38,656
It's a bit of an emergency.
805
00:36:38,823 --> 00:36:40,950
Tell you what, we'll play you for it.
806
00:36:41,325 --> 00:36:42,159
If you beat us...
807
00:36:42,326 --> 00:36:43,452
...you get the tree.
808
00:36:43,619 --> 00:36:47,832
If we beat you, we kick your asses out and
take all your motherfucking cash. Ha, ha.
809
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:50,626
I'm sorry, do you want us
to play you in beer pong?
810
00:36:50,793 --> 00:36:53,337
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you
guys haven't heard of it before.
811
00:36:53,504 --> 00:36:54,296
Oh, no, no.
812
00:36:54,463 --> 00:36:56,006
We've heard of it, dude. Yeah.
813
00:36:56,215 --> 00:36:58,676
Except, see, in our day,
it was called Beirut.
814
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:00,761
And we didn't have the rollback rule...
815
00:37:00,928 --> 00:37:02,346
...like you pussies have today.
816
00:37:02,513 --> 00:37:06,934
I remember the day they announced the rule.
Same day I kicked a little bitch's ass at it.
817
00:37:07,351 --> 00:37:09,145
You remind me a lot of that guy...
818
00:37:09,311 --> 00:37:10,855
...except you're shorter.
819
00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:12,356
And he had pubes.
820
00:37:12,648 --> 00:37:13,941
Oh, my God. I'm so excited.
821
00:37:14,817 --> 00:37:15,943
All my other friends...
822
00:37:16,110 --> 00:37:17,862
...lost their virginity in 7th grade.
823
00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:19,530
I can't believe it's happening.
824
00:37:19,739 --> 00:37:23,033
What's the deal? Why isn't everybody
at school trying to sleep with you?
825
00:37:23,242 --> 00:37:25,870
Are you kidding? No guy at
school will even touch me.
826
00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:27,163
Why won't they?
827
00:37:27,496 --> 00:37:28,998
Probably because they're scared.
828
00:37:29,165 --> 00:37:30,875
Well, I don't get scared.
829
00:37:31,041 --> 00:37:33,210
Scared of... What are
they scared of, though?
830
00:37:33,377 --> 00:37:34,879
Hey! Enough talk.
831
00:37:38,549 --> 00:37:39,341
Gonna hit this?
832
00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,260
Yes. I Will. Hit it.
833
00:37:42,970 --> 00:37:45,389
Aah. It's not a
disease, is it? Heh, heh.
834
00:37:45,556 --> 00:37:47,558
- What?
- Never mind. Heh.
835
00:37:47,767 --> 00:37:49,769
Forget it. Heh.
836
00:37:51,854 --> 00:37:54,815
Okay, Daddy's gonna get you
changed. Daddy is gonna get you...
837
00:37:55,191 --> 00:37:57,193
Aah! Okay, I need this room...
838
00:37:57,359 --> 00:38:00,529
...for a serious diaper situation.
So I will ask you to stop...
839
00:38:00,696 --> 00:38:03,407
...doing that.
- Smush that pussy! Unh!
840
00:38:03,657 --> 00:38:04,366
Smush my pussy!
841
00:38:04,533 --> 00:38:05,242
I'm coming!
842
00:38:05,409 --> 00:38:07,077
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm coming!
843
00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:09,371
Baby, blow me.
844
00:38:11,165 --> 00:38:12,041
Ugh.
845
00:38:16,212 --> 00:38:17,838
A boom batta, these pockets...
846
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:18,881
...getting fatter.
847
00:38:19,048 --> 00:38:19,715
You guys...
848
00:38:19,882 --> 00:38:21,217
...got nothing on me.
849
00:38:22,009 --> 00:38:24,303
Dude, I need this tree.
850
00:38:25,054 --> 00:38:25,888
I know.
851
00:38:26,055 --> 00:38:28,724
- We hit this, we win.
- No matter. There's no way...
852
00:38:28,891 --> 00:38:31,268
...you sinking this
ball. Not in my house.
853
00:38:31,435 --> 00:38:33,437
Shut this motherfucker up, would you?
854
00:38:39,026 --> 00:38:40,110
- Time.
- What?
855
00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:44,281
Show him the old "Roldy Roll. "
856
00:38:44,448 --> 00:38:46,909
It's too risky. I haven't
done that in forever.
857
00:38:47,076 --> 00:38:49,620
No, dude, come on.
You got this. Feel it.
858
00:38:57,878 --> 00:38:59,380
Hello, old friend.
859
00:39:01,549 --> 00:39:02,341
Clear.
860
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:25,447
We won!
861
00:39:25,614 --> 00:39:27,157
Who are those guys?
862
00:39:27,366 --> 00:39:30,160
I don't know, but they're fucking studs.
863
00:39:35,958 --> 00:39:40,004
I know this is your first time,
so I'm gonna be extra gentle.
864
00:39:44,300 --> 00:39:45,009
Who's that?
865
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:46,969
Oh, that's just my dad.
866
00:39:48,679 --> 00:39:49,763
Why does he look...
867
00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:50,973
...so familiar?
868
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:31,388
That's not good. No.
869
00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,557
Hey, are we gonna do this or what?
870
00:40:33,724 --> 00:40:35,935
Yeah, we are, but your
dad is Sergei Katsov? Heh.
871
00:40:36,435 --> 00:40:38,979
Not again. Oh, my God. This
happens every goddamn time.
872
00:40:39,146 --> 00:40:39,980
No,no,no.
873
00:40:40,147 --> 00:40:41,065
Give your dick.
874
00:40:41,231 --> 00:40:42,858
Aah, aah. Hey! Whoa.
875
00:40:43,025 --> 00:40:43,901
Wait, I almost got it.
876
00:40:44,068 --> 00:40:46,570
It really hurts. You're
digging your nails into it! Aah!
877
00:40:47,738 --> 00:40:49,073
Are you going soft on me?
878
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:50,157
Uh-uh.
879
00:40:50,324 --> 00:40:51,742
You better not go soft on me!
880
00:40:51,951 --> 00:40:53,410
I'm not, it's just hard.
881
00:40:53,577 --> 00:40:55,079
Aah! And it really, really hurts.
882
00:40:55,245 --> 00:40:57,164
Stop, just give me a
two-minute break. Aah!
883
00:40:57,581 --> 00:40:58,666
So how do we do this?
884
00:40:59,249 --> 00:41:01,543
There's gotta be a freight
elevator or something.
885
00:41:01,710 --> 00:41:04,546
- We take the ornaments off, or...?
- We could.
886
00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:08,884
Hey, guys. I just wanted to
say that was an epic match.
887
00:41:09,093 --> 00:41:10,761
- Good win.
- Thanks, kid.
888
00:41:10,970 --> 00:41:12,513
I'm sorry I was such a dick...
889
00:41:12,680 --> 00:41:15,099
...to you guys. I thought
you were old assholes.
890
00:41:15,975 --> 00:41:16,934
But real talk...
891
00:41:17,101 --> 00:41:19,603
...you guys are pretty cool. So cheers.
892
00:41:19,770 --> 00:41:22,439
- Thanks.
- No, no. Come on. Don't.
893
00:41:22,606 --> 00:41:25,901
Roldy, the kid is acknowledging
the error of his ways. Respect that.
894
00:41:28,028 --> 00:41:29,989
Come on, man, it's Christmas.
895
00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,573
Thanks, kid.
896
00:41:31,782 --> 00:41:33,200
- All right.
- Cheers.
897
00:41:33,367 --> 00:41:34,868
Cheers.
- Cheers.
898
00:41:35,577 --> 00:41:37,913
Mm. It's good.
899
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,875
Why don't you guys just sit down and
I'll get that tree all wrapped up for you.
900
00:41:42,042 --> 00:41:43,293
- Thank you.
- Thanks, man.
901
00:41:43,502 --> 00:41:44,503
Appreciate it.
902
00:41:46,422 --> 00:41:48,424
Diaper emergency! Aah! Cocaine!
903
00:41:49,008 --> 00:41:49,758
Have you kids...
904
00:41:49,925 --> 00:41:52,594
...never seen VH1's Behind the Music?
905
00:41:53,012 --> 00:41:53,929
Do you not know...
906
00:41:54,096 --> 00:41:58,142
...what cocaine can do to the
mind of a person as young as you?
907
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:10,779
Unh, reporting live from the kitchen
908
00:42:10,946 --> 00:42:12,489
With a brand-new swag
909
00:42:12,656 --> 00:42:14,241
Dude, do you feel kind of weird?
910
00:42:14,408 --> 00:42:17,286
Yeah, I do, actually. My
face is feeling kind of numb.
911
00:42:17,453 --> 00:42:18,495
Oh, fuck.
912
00:42:18,662 --> 00:42:20,164
The kids put something in here.
913
00:42:20,330 --> 00:42:21,915
Was it drugs? Was it semen?
914
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,253
It doesn't taste like semen.
915
00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:28,756
Uh! You fucking...
916
00:42:28,922 --> 00:42:30,758
...loser!
- Give me another chance!
917
00:42:30,924 --> 00:42:32,342
I'm begging you!
918
00:42:32,551 --> 00:42:34,595
I'm really, really, really sorry!
919
00:42:35,679 --> 00:42:39,016
That we had sex too well too often.
920
00:42:39,183 --> 00:42:41,351
"Sorry" doesn't pop my cherry.
921
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:42,478
Somebody is gonna...
922
00:42:42,644 --> 00:42:45,064
...fuck me tonight! You!
923
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,317
Oh, no. Ha. Married.
924
00:42:48,484 --> 00:42:49,860
- He's single.
- Hi. Kumar.
925
00:42:50,069 --> 00:42:51,153
I don't date black guys.
926
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:52,696
- What? Whoa!
- Unh!
927
00:42:52,946 --> 00:42:54,823
- What are you doing?
- Getting you ready.
928
00:42:54,990 --> 00:42:56,700
- Get her off me!
- Right, sorry, sorry!
929
00:42:56,867 --> 00:42:58,285
Uh, I'm not gonna let you...
930
00:42:58,452 --> 00:43:01,163
...rape my friend on
Christmas Eve. He's married.
931
00:43:09,171 --> 00:43:10,380
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
932
00:43:10,714 --> 00:43:12,007
Who the fuck are you?
933
00:43:19,098 --> 00:43:19,890
Stop resisting.
934
00:43:20,099 --> 00:43:21,350
Push harder, dude!
935
00:43:21,517 --> 00:43:22,518
I am doing it!
936
00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:23,560
I can't get her...
937
00:43:23,727 --> 00:43:25,854
- ... off!
- Oh, God!
938
00:43:27,898 --> 00:43:29,191
Mariana?
939
00:43:31,318 --> 00:43:31,985
Daddy.
940
00:43:33,403 --> 00:43:34,321
Daddy.
941
00:43:37,032 --> 00:43:37,866
That's Sergei...
942
00:43:38,033 --> 00:43:39,201
...Katsov.
943
00:43:39,368 --> 00:43:40,202
I know, dude.
944
00:43:40,369 --> 00:43:41,537
Start talking.
945
00:43:41,703 --> 00:43:43,122
- Start talking.
- Okay.
946
00:43:45,165 --> 00:43:45,874
She...
947
00:43:46,041 --> 00:43:47,251
Start talking! Now!
948
00:43:47,417 --> 00:43:51,255
Sir. Hi. My name is Kumar, this is
Harold. It's very nice to meet you.
949
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,757
Um, I know this is gonna be
hard for you to believe...
950
00:43:53,924 --> 00:43:56,927
...but your daughter, sir, was
the one who was trying to rape us.
951
00:43:57,136 --> 00:43:58,095
She's the raper.
952
00:43:58,262 --> 00:44:00,097
No! No, no, no! That is not true, Daddy.
953
00:44:00,264 --> 00:44:02,724
These men came in here, I
didn't know who they were.
954
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,351
I think that they got me drunk.
955
00:44:04,518 --> 00:44:06,270
No. Miss? Miss? That's incorrect.
956
00:44:06,436 --> 00:44:07,855
You got my daughter drunk?
957
00:44:08,021 --> 00:44:10,274
Sir, if I may. This is all a big...
958
00:44:10,899 --> 00:44:12,109
Let me pull my pants up.
959
00:44:12,276 --> 00:44:13,861
It's all a big misunderstanding.
960
00:44:14,862 --> 00:44:16,155
Your children threw the party.
961
00:44:17,531 --> 00:44:21,451
We have nothing to do with all
the drugs and all the alcohol.
962
00:44:22,369 --> 00:44:23,704
Okay, listen up!
963
00:44:23,871 --> 00:44:24,746
Party's over!
964
00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:25,747
My baby...
965
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:29,084
- ... is fucked on cocaine!
- I've heard enough.
966
00:44:29,251 --> 00:44:30,252
Gustav.
967
00:44:31,545 --> 00:44:33,046
- What? Oh, shit!
- No! No!
968
00:44:33,213 --> 00:44:35,299
Why does it always have to be "Gustav"?
969
00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:38,093
- Why not "Yuri and Gustav, kill them"?
- He means both.
970
00:44:38,260 --> 00:44:39,636
Why can't he say both of us?
971
00:44:39,803 --> 00:44:41,180
Both of you...
972
00:44:41,972 --> 00:44:43,807
...kill them. Kill them all!
973
00:44:46,310 --> 00:44:47,144
- Aah!
- Go!
974
00:44:47,311 --> 00:44:47,978
Now!
975
00:44:48,812 --> 00:44:50,147
Unh, ah! Ava!
976
00:44:50,314 --> 00:44:52,107
Come with me if you wanna live!
977
00:44:52,274 --> 00:44:53,442
What? No, no!
978
00:44:53,609 --> 00:44:54,193
No,no,no!
979
00:45:30,646 --> 00:45:32,356
Aah. Where's my baby?
980
00:45:32,522 --> 00:45:33,607
- Ava! Ava'
- Shh!
981
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:36,026
Where could my baby be? Where's my baby?
982
00:45:39,613 --> 00:45:41,865
Your coke baby has superpowers.
983
00:45:45,285 --> 00:45:47,162
- That was close.
- I know, right?
984
00:45:48,247 --> 00:45:50,249
Were you starting to
trip out a little bit?
985
00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,628
Because I think I was starting to
trip out back there a little bit.
986
00:45:54,795 --> 00:45:58,173
Yeah, definitely, man. I think
there was something in the eggnog.
987
00:45:58,340 --> 00:45:59,758
It's pretty fucking sweet.
988
00:45:59,967 --> 00:46:00,801
Don't worry.
989
00:46:00,968 --> 00:46:02,761
I'm pretty sure it's wearing off.
990
00:46:04,888 --> 00:46:06,890
Or maybe not?
991
00:46:07,057 --> 00:46:09,393
Holy shit! Dude, you're Claymated!
992
00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:11,061
Ha-ha-ha.
So are you!
993
00:46:11,270 --> 00:46:12,312
So is he.
994
00:46:12,562 --> 00:46:14,022
What's up, blood?
995
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,193
Dude, everything's Claymated!
996
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,403
Fuck you!
997
00:46:19,569 --> 00:46:20,737
This is great!
998
00:46:20,904 --> 00:46:23,907
No, it's not! How am I supposed to
get a tree now? I'm made of clay.
999
00:46:24,074 --> 00:46:25,492
Ooh, hold on. I have an idea.
1000
00:46:25,659 --> 00:46:26,493
What the hell...?
1001
00:46:27,035 --> 00:46:27,786
Yah!
1002
00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,830
Clay cocks!
- Put your cock away.
1003
00:46:31,498 --> 00:46:33,375
Dude, relax. It's gonna wear off soon.
1004
00:46:37,296 --> 00:46:38,005
What the fuck?
1005
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:40,799
Die, motherfucker!
1006
00:46:53,562 --> 00:46:57,232
Prepare for the winter
of your discontent!
1007
00:46:57,441 --> 00:46:59,192
Whoa!
- Shit!
1008
00:46:59,359 --> 00:47:00,402
Fuck!
1009
00:47:01,153 --> 00:47:02,821
LAUGHS]
1010
00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:07,284
My God. We're gonna die.
1011
00:47:07,451 --> 00:47:10,495
No way, dude. Nobody dies
while Claymated. It's a fact.
1012
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:12,706
Dude, look out!
1013
00:47:15,917 --> 00:47:17,878
Oh, nobody dies while Claymated.
1014
00:47:18,879 --> 00:47:20,881
- I heard it's a fact.
- Okay, fine. Theory debunked.
1015
00:47:23,008 --> 00:47:24,885
Let's get out of here.
1016
00:47:27,596 --> 00:47:31,767
What's the matter? Afraid
you'll catch a cold?
1017
00:47:36,521 --> 00:47:39,775
If this guy makes one more
lame pun, I'm gonna kill myself.
1018
00:47:42,194 --> 00:47:43,111
Oh, my clay back!
1019
00:47:50,619 --> 00:47:52,788
Every time I hang out
with you, it's a disaster.
1020
00:47:52,954 --> 00:47:56,291
Wait. I just realized I can
probably make my balls bigger too...
1021
00:47:56,458 --> 00:47:59,169
- ... since I'm Claymated.
- You're such a fucking asshole.
1022
00:48:05,717 --> 00:48:07,969
Look, Union Square.
Let's hide in that tree.
1023
00:48:15,477 --> 00:48:17,813
This is a really... This
is a really beautiful tree.
1024
00:48:17,979 --> 00:48:18,772
Dude, come on!
1025
00:48:25,153 --> 00:48:25,904
Aw...
1026
00:48:26,071 --> 00:48:27,322
Aw...
1027
00:48:28,740 --> 00:48:30,033
Hey, little guy.
1028
00:48:30,242 --> 00:48:31,034
You hungry?
1029
00:48:31,201 --> 00:48:32,702
Mmm.
1030
00:48:46,383 --> 00:48:48,677
Ice to see you.
1031
00:48:48,844 --> 00:48:50,846
All right, that is it. Hey, snowman!
1032
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:55,434
Get yourself some mints because
your breath is abominable.
1033
00:48:57,519 --> 00:48:58,854
Ha-ha-ha. Not
bad, Roldy.
1034
00:49:02,941 --> 00:49:05,026
Fuck me!
1035
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,119
Dead squirrel.
1036
00:49:23,503 --> 00:49:25,088
- It's coming!
- Wake up! Wake up!
1037
00:49:25,255 --> 00:49:27,299
- We're gonna die. We're gonna die.
- What?
1038
00:49:27,466 --> 00:49:29,968
I told you not to aim for the face.
1039
00:49:30,302 --> 00:49:31,553
- Roldy!
- Kumar!
1040
00:49:31,720 --> 00:49:34,055
- What the hell's the matter?
- What are you doing?
1041
00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:36,057
- Rosenberg.
- Goldstein?
1042
00:49:36,224 --> 00:49:39,895
We were doing last-minute shopping
with my boy here when we saw you...
1043
00:49:40,061 --> 00:49:41,897
...tearing that snowman a new tuchus.
1044
00:49:42,063 --> 00:49:43,732
You are gonna catch your death...
1045
00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,067
...of cold out here.
Let's get you a nice meal.
1046
00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:48,069
Is there somewhere we can eat?
1047
00:49:57,579 --> 00:49:59,873
This is why I tell you
not to have people over.
1048
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:04,836
Every single other person
got out of here except for us.
1049
00:50:05,003 --> 00:50:07,088
- I knew you'd bring that up.
- You grabbed me.
1050
00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:09,549
You said, "Come with me
if you want to live. "
1051
00:50:13,595 --> 00:50:15,722
- Man, I don't think that's okay.
- It's fine.
1052
00:50:15,889 --> 00:50:18,266
It's not fine! My baby's on cocaine.
1053
00:50:18,767 --> 00:50:20,352
I'm on cocaine.
1054
00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:22,771
I'm addicted to cocaine.
1055
00:50:26,107 --> 00:50:27,275
Yo! Idiots!
1056
00:50:28,610 --> 00:50:29,778
I want you to find...
1057
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:32,280
...the men who violated...
1058
00:50:32,447 --> 00:50:33,782
...my daughter...
1059
00:50:33,990 --> 00:50:36,284
...and I want you to fucking kill them!
1060
00:50:37,869 --> 00:50:40,288
- Still hits the spot.
- I know, right?
1061
00:50:40,497 --> 00:50:43,792
Oh, I almost forgot. Harold, my
Uncle Yoav, he threw his back out.
1062
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:45,627
So me and him, we're not gonna...
1063
00:50:45,794 --> 00:50:47,462
...be able to make your party.
1064
00:50:47,629 --> 00:50:49,381
- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's okay.
1065
00:50:49,548 --> 00:50:53,301
There's not really a... We should get
going. We got a Christmas tree emergency.
1066
00:50:53,510 --> 00:50:56,805
I don't understand what it is
with you people and your trees.
1067
00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:57,973
For us Christians...
1068
00:50:58,139 --> 00:51:00,809
...the tree is a very
important part of our holiday.
1069
00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:02,936
Okay, don't start with this. All right?
1070
00:51:03,103 --> 00:51:08,024
Just because your wife made you
convert doesn't mean you're not a Jew!
1071
00:51:08,316 --> 00:51:11,486
His name is Seth Goldstein.
For Christ's sake!
1072
00:51:11,653 --> 00:51:15,198
First of all, don't ever take the
Lord's name in vain, not after...
1073
00:51:15,365 --> 00:51:18,159
...how your people
crucified my man. Secondly...
1074
00:51:18,326 --> 00:51:19,661
...I was baptized, bitch!
1075
00:51:20,328 --> 00:51:21,496
The second the priest...
1076
00:51:21,663 --> 00:51:23,373
...poured that holy water over me...
1077
00:51:23,540 --> 00:51:26,501
...all my Jewish neurosis and
self-hatred just washed right off.
1078
00:51:26,668 --> 00:51:28,837
Sounds like you're
enjoying your new religion.
1079
00:51:29,045 --> 00:51:30,255
Dude, it's the balls.
1080
00:51:30,422 --> 00:51:32,048
These dirty Jew bastards have...
1081
00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:33,758
...no idea what they're missing.
1082
00:51:33,925 --> 00:51:37,012
Christmas! Easter! Fishing!
Hunting! I tie knots on a sailboat.
1083
00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:39,889
I can get heartburn without
thinking I'm having a stroke.
1084
00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:42,934
I'm loving me some Applebee's.
I made terrible investments...
1085
00:51:43,101 --> 00:51:44,561
...doesn't bother me a bit.
1086
00:51:44,936 --> 00:51:47,689
Miraculously, my mother
is no longer a total bitch.
1087
00:51:47,856 --> 00:51:50,025
- Isn't that right? Is Grandma a bitch?
- No.
1088
00:51:50,191 --> 00:51:50,775
No.
1089
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:52,902
And guess what. Next week...
1090
00:51:53,069 --> 00:51:55,530
...I have an appointment
to get uncircumcised.
1091
00:51:55,697 --> 00:51:58,325
That's right, I'm gonna get my snozzle.
1092
00:51:58,575 --> 00:52:02,245
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat
but I gotta go get this tree.
1093
00:52:02,412 --> 00:52:03,913
Christmas tree! Christmas tree!
1094
00:52:07,334 --> 00:52:09,544
It's glorious. Isn't it Christian?
1095
00:52:10,086 --> 00:52:11,254
Great to see you guys.
1096
00:52:11,421 --> 00:52:13,089
- See you, guys.
- No, wait.
1097
00:52:13,423 --> 00:52:14,382
Excuse me!
1098
00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:17,761
You still owe me 87 cents for
that jalapeño cheeseburger!
1099
00:52:17,927 --> 00:52:21,723
Ah! Guess that holy water didn't
wash everything off, now did it?
1100
00:52:23,433 --> 00:52:24,934
God, that tree is perfect.
1101
00:52:25,101 --> 00:52:26,227
Let's go check it out.
1102
00:52:26,394 --> 00:52:27,604
Tickets, please.
1103
00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:29,397
I'm sorry, we don't have tickets.
1104
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:30,732
They sold out months ago.
1105
00:52:31,232 --> 00:52:33,318
- But...
- Step aside, please.
1106
00:52:33,943 --> 00:52:35,612
I said step aside.
1107
00:52:38,114 --> 00:52:39,449
Shit.
1108
00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:43,536
You know what? Fuck it, it's
almost midnight. I give up.
1109
00:52:43,703 --> 00:52:44,829
You can't give up yet.
1110
00:52:45,705 --> 00:52:46,790
Look...
1111
00:52:46,956 --> 00:52:49,584
...I have an idea on how
we might get that tree out.
1112
00:52:49,918 --> 00:52:51,419
- What?
- It's not gonna be easy.
1113
00:52:51,586 --> 00:52:53,546
But this may be the
last chance we've got.
1114
00:52:54,839 --> 00:52:55,632
Here's what we do.
1115
00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:59,094
First, we need to steal some tickets.
1116
00:52:59,260 --> 00:53:01,846
Then I slip off to the side
and take out the archbishop.
1117
00:53:03,890 --> 00:53:05,600
I head down to the nuns' shower room.
1118
00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:09,979
I didn't know the nuns all
showered in the same room.
1119
00:53:10,146 --> 00:53:12,065
How do you think they stay so clean?
1120
00:53:13,566 --> 00:53:17,237
While the nuns are lezzing it out, I'm
gonna snag the key to the back room.
1121
00:53:17,404 --> 00:53:18,822
What back room?
1122
00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:22,325
The back room that the priests
are guarding. Am I going too fast?
1123
00:53:22,492 --> 00:53:23,493
- No.
- Okay, good.
1124
00:53:23,660 --> 00:53:25,495
You're in charge of distracting them.
1125
00:53:25,662 --> 00:53:26,830
How the hell do I do that?
1126
00:53:26,996 --> 00:53:29,165
That's easy, you'll just
use our secret weapon.
1127
00:53:29,374 --> 00:53:33,878
Pillow fight in the altar boys'
room. Last one there's a rotten egg.
1128
00:53:35,255 --> 00:53:38,341
Once the coast is clear, we use
the key to get into the back room.
1129
00:53:38,508 --> 00:53:40,009
I guard while you kill the power.
1130
00:53:40,176 --> 00:53:42,345
While everyone's trying
to turn the power on...
1131
00:53:42,512 --> 00:53:44,472
you and I will get the tree.
1132
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:47,434
We take it to your place, and
when Maria's dad comes home...
1133
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,477
...and sees this beautiful tree...
1134
00:53:49,644 --> 00:53:51,896
...in your living room,
he'll jizz all over it.
1135
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:54,441
What do you think?
1136
00:53:55,984 --> 00:53:56,693
Uncle Harold.
1137
00:53:56,901 --> 00:53:59,654
I think I see Uncle Harold over there.
1138
00:53:59,821 --> 00:54:01,948
What do you mean, you see Uncle Harold?
1139
00:54:06,786 --> 00:54:07,787
Baby?
1140
00:54:08,413 --> 00:54:09,706
Oh, sorry, sir.
1141
00:54:10,206 --> 00:54:10,999
It's okay, baby.
1142
00:54:11,166 --> 00:54:13,710
They all look alike
to me too. Ha-ha-ha.
1143
00:54:15,545 --> 00:54:19,841
Fuck! Midnight Mass. Is it
midnight already? Fucking midnight!
1144
00:54:20,008 --> 00:54:21,217
Running out of time.
1145
00:54:21,426 --> 00:54:23,720
Wait, wait, wait! What
the hell are we doing?
1146
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:26,181
Hold on. What the hell's going on?
1147
00:54:26,347 --> 00:54:29,309
He almost spotted us! I'm supposed
to be at home with the tree.
1148
00:54:29,476 --> 00:54:31,728
But why are you making
such a big deal about this?
1149
00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:34,063
Because it is a big deal.
1150
00:54:34,230 --> 00:54:36,733
Who gives a shit what
your father-in-law thinks?
1151
00:54:36,941 --> 00:54:40,945
I give a shit what my father-in-law
thinks. You wouldn't understand.
1152
00:54:42,238 --> 00:54:44,449
No, dude, I don't understand.
1153
00:54:45,033 --> 00:54:48,077
You got a great job, you make good
money, you don't beat your wife.
1154
00:54:48,244 --> 00:54:50,413
What more could a Latino
father-in-law ask for?
1155
00:54:50,580 --> 00:54:52,207
- Well...
- If I were you...
1156
00:54:52,373 --> 00:54:54,459
...I'd tell him to eat
a cockmeat sandwich.
1157
00:54:56,169 --> 00:54:57,545
You should not go through...
1158
00:54:57,712 --> 00:54:59,464
...all this just to make him happy.
1159
00:55:00,048 --> 00:55:01,758
You're right, I don't have to.
1160
00:55:02,467 --> 00:55:03,760
I want to.
1161
00:55:04,469 --> 00:55:08,223
I want him to be happy because
I want Maria to be happy.
1162
00:55:08,389 --> 00:55:11,267
Because what makes Maria
happy is what makes me happy.
1163
00:55:11,976 --> 00:55:12,727
Don't you get it?
1164
00:55:12,894 --> 00:55:15,230
I don't have to be doing this.
1165
00:55:15,772 --> 00:55:17,482
I wanna be doing this.
1166
00:55:19,275 --> 00:55:20,276
What the fuck?
1167
00:55:20,485 --> 00:55:23,279
Smoke break ended 10 minutes
ago! We need all bodies on-stage!
1168
00:55:25,114 --> 00:55:28,576
Oh, my God, you guys aren't even
dressed? Jesus fucking Christ!
1169
00:55:28,743 --> 00:55:29,786
You have the wrong people.
1170
00:55:29,994 --> 00:55:30,954
Wardrobe!
1171
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,748
Go! Come on, come on, come on! Shut up!
1172
00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:38,378
Ma'am, you seem like a very nice person.
1173
00:55:38,545 --> 00:55:39,796
Go! Move!
1174
00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:41,256
Fucking actors.
1175
00:55:41,422 --> 00:55:44,092
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
1176
00:55:44,259 --> 00:55:45,969
...without further ado...
1177
00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:47,762
- ... the man...
- Look at these firs.
1178
00:55:49,639 --> 00:55:50,974
America's sweetheart!
1179
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:51,975
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
1180
00:55:52,141 --> 00:55:53,142
Holy shit. Neil.
1181
00:55:53,643 --> 00:55:55,937
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
1182
00:55:56,437 --> 00:55:57,230
Dance.
1183
00:55:57,397 --> 00:55:58,231
What?
1184
00:55:58,439 --> 00:55:59,983
Blend. Blend. Blend.
1185
00:56:00,149 --> 00:56:01,067
Harold. Wait!
1186
00:56:01,609 --> 00:56:03,820
Don we now our gay apparel
1187
00:56:04,028 --> 00:56:06,656
Fa-la-la,
la-la-la, la-la-la
1188
00:56:06,823 --> 00:56:08,992
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
1189
00:56:09,158 --> 00:56:10,743
Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la
1190
00:56:11,536 --> 00:56:12,954
La-la!
1191
00:56:17,792 --> 00:56:20,503
You better watch out You better not cry
1192
00:56:20,670 --> 00:56:23,089
You better not pout I'm tellin' you why
1193
00:56:23,256 --> 00:56:25,466
Santa Claus is comin'
1194
00:56:25,633 --> 00:56:27,260
To town
1195
00:56:28,678 --> 00:56:30,513
He sees you when you're sleeping
1196
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:31,848
He knows when you're awake
1197
00:56:34,559 --> 00:56:35,602
Oh, my God!
1198
00:56:35,852 --> 00:56:37,937
So be good for goodness' sake
1199
00:56:44,110 --> 00:56:47,322
Santa Claus is comin' to town
1200
00:56:53,202 --> 00:56:55,663
I played my drum for him
1201
00:56:55,830 --> 00:56:57,582
Pa rum pum pum pum
1202
00:56:59,876 --> 00:57:01,502
Then he
1203
00:57:01,669 --> 00:57:02,962
Smiled at me
1204
00:57:03,504 --> 00:57:05,173
Pa rum pum pum pum
1205
00:57:05,882 --> 00:57:07,884
Me and my drum
1206
00:57:16,809 --> 00:57:19,395
We wish you a merry Christmas
1207
00:57:19,604 --> 00:57:22,023
We wish you a merry Christmas
1208
00:57:22,482 --> 00:57:24,233
We wish you a merry Christmas
1209
00:57:24,400 --> 00:57:26,694
And a happy New Year
1210
00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:33,743
We wish you a merry Christmas
1211
00:57:33,910 --> 00:57:36,663
And a happy
1212
00:57:36,829 --> 00:57:41,918
New Year
1213
00:57:47,632 --> 00:57:49,258
Merry Christmas, everyone!
1214
00:57:51,511 --> 00:57:53,721
All right, that's a cut. Great job
1215
00:57:53,888 --> 00:57:56,015
Great job. I've just
got a few notes, okay?
1216
00:57:56,182 --> 00:57:58,267
Just gonna come on the stage.
1217
00:57:58,434 --> 00:57:59,644
Oh, God.
1218
00:58:00,228 --> 00:58:01,562
Fucking tight jeans.
1219
00:58:03,272 --> 00:58:08,111
NPH, ha, ha. You are absolutely bringing
the heat, and you are bringing it hard.
1220
00:58:08,277 --> 00:58:10,071
You're a dream. I'm having...
1221
00:58:10,238 --> 00:58:13,741
...a fabulous, amazing
dream watching you perform.
1222
00:58:13,992 --> 00:58:16,160
But unfortunately...
1223
00:58:16,327 --> 00:58:19,414
...these talentless
fuck butt-crackers...
1224
00:58:19,580 --> 00:58:21,624
...are ruining everything! You!
1225
00:58:21,791 --> 00:58:24,836
Jonbenet, I'm talking to you, sweetie.
1226
00:58:25,003 --> 00:58:26,629
Where'd you learn to dance, honey?
1227
00:58:26,796 --> 00:58:29,424
A fucking mini-mall in Des Moines?
1228
00:58:29,757 --> 00:58:30,842
This is...
1229
00:58:31,384 --> 00:58:33,261
...the big time!
1230
00:58:33,428 --> 00:58:36,597
I will punch you in your face!
1231
00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:37,932
I can run it again.
1232
00:58:38,099 --> 00:58:39,892
No, no, no. No, you skedaddle.
1233
00:58:40,059 --> 00:58:42,311
Go and get some rest,
huh? Make yourself fresh...
1234
00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,188
...all right? Heh. And just remember...
1235
00:58:44,397 --> 00:58:47,358
...you're a dream, and I'm
having a big wet dream about you.
1236
00:58:47,608 --> 00:58:48,860
Okay? Ha, ha.
1237
00:58:49,110 --> 00:58:51,112
Take fucking five!
1238
00:58:52,447 --> 00:58:53,656
Damn it!
1239
00:58:58,286 --> 00:58:59,537
Hey, Gracie, chin up.
1240
00:58:59,704 --> 00:59:01,706
Happens to the best of us. You up for...
1241
00:59:01,873 --> 00:59:03,791
- ... one-on-one
rehearsing later? - Wait.
1242
00:59:04,709 --> 00:59:05,710
You know my name?
1243
00:59:05,877 --> 00:59:09,964
Of course. You're doing great. I
thought we could work on a thing or two.
1244
00:59:10,131 --> 00:59:12,967
- In my dressing room, five minutes.
- Yes!
1245
00:59:13,176 --> 00:59:15,803
Thank you so much, Mr. Patrick Harris.
1246
00:59:15,970 --> 00:59:18,723
- I'll get changed and be right over.
- I'll see you then.
1247
00:59:20,975 --> 00:59:23,478
You really think Neil can
get us one of those trees?
1248
00:59:23,686 --> 00:59:26,147
After all we've been through
with that guy, he better.
1249
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,690
No shit.
1250
00:59:28,316 --> 00:59:29,776
Neil, Neil, Neil, Dan Frye.
1251
00:59:29,942 --> 00:59:33,154
Hollywood Hearsay. Is it true
that you're replacing Regis?
1252
00:59:33,321 --> 00:59:34,489
It'll be tough between...
1253
00:59:34,697 --> 00:59:37,325
...How I Met Your Mother and
charity work, but we'll see.
1254
00:59:37,492 --> 00:59:40,495
Oh, wow. And you stunned fans
when you said you were gay.
1255
00:59:40,661 --> 00:59:43,748
How has this affected your
relationship with your partner, David?
1256
00:59:43,915 --> 00:59:46,334
Well, maybe this'll
answer your question.
1257
00:59:47,835 --> 00:59:49,337
So hot, NPH.
1258
00:59:49,504 --> 00:59:52,173
Mm, mm. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. How about that?
1259
00:59:52,340 --> 00:59:54,008
Thank you. I love you guys.
1260
00:59:55,343 --> 00:59:57,178
Ugh. What did I tell
you about using tongue?
1261
00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,180
You wanted it to look realistic.
1262
00:59:59,347 --> 01:00:02,100
Yeah, realistic, not
fucking gay as shit.
1263
01:00:02,266 --> 01:00:05,186
The only reason I put up with
this homo crap is for the p-tang.
1264
01:00:05,353 --> 01:00:06,687
Fuck this! I got a wife...
1265
01:00:06,854 --> 01:00:08,481
...and kid. I'm out of here.
1266
01:00:08,648 --> 01:00:09,690
Wait, man.
1267
01:00:09,857 --> 01:00:10,942
What about the stuff?
1268
01:00:11,150 --> 01:00:12,527
What stuff?
- The stuff.
1269
01:00:12,735 --> 01:00:13,861
Give me the stuff.
1270
01:00:14,529 --> 01:00:15,363
This stuff?
1271
01:00:16,697 --> 01:00:17,532
Oh, yeah.
1272
01:00:17,698 --> 01:00:19,200
You'd like this bag of crack.
1273
01:00:19,367 --> 01:00:20,201
Wouldn't you?
1274
01:00:20,368 --> 01:00:23,037
Well, maybe I should
give it to someone else.
1275
01:00:23,204 --> 01:00:25,206
You know I got Fred
Savage on speed dial.
1276
01:00:25,373 --> 01:00:27,542
Fuck Savage! That rock is mine!
1277
01:00:27,708 --> 01:00:31,546
Give it to me. Come on, David, give
me the stuff. Give me the sugar.
1278
01:00:31,754 --> 01:00:33,881
- Put money in my account.
- You got it. Done.
1279
01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:36,884
- And sing at my niece's quinceanera.
- All right, I'll sing.
1280
01:00:37,051 --> 01:00:38,886
- You can't fuck her!
- I can't promise.
1281
01:00:39,053 --> 01:00:40,054
- Fine.
- No! All right!
1282
01:00:40,263 --> 01:00:41,055
I won't fuck her!
1283
01:00:41,222 --> 01:00:42,974
Just let me have the rock.
1284
01:00:43,141 --> 01:00:44,058
Excuse me, Neil?
1285
01:00:44,225 --> 01:00:45,351
Oh. Oh, this is...
1286
01:00:45,518 --> 01:00:46,727
I can come back later.
1287
01:00:46,894 --> 01:00:50,148
- No! No, I'm heading out. Ha, ha.
- No, we were just... Hi.
1288
01:00:50,314 --> 01:00:52,066
Bye-bye, sweet pea.
1289
01:00:52,233 --> 01:00:54,152
- You behave yourself,
peaches. Ha-ha-ha. - Always.
1290
01:00:54,318 --> 01:00:55,570
You guys are too cute.
1291
01:00:55,778 --> 01:00:56,404
Fuck you.
1292
01:00:56,571 --> 01:00:57,238
I do love.
1293
01:00:57,405 --> 01:00:59,031
...That handsome man.
1294
01:00:59,407 --> 01:01:00,825
Thank you so much for this...
1295
01:01:00,992 --> 01:01:02,743
...opportunity to work with you.
1296
01:01:02,910 --> 01:01:03,911
Sure. Come on in.
1297
01:01:04,078 --> 01:01:05,580
What would you like to rehearse?
1298
01:01:05,746 --> 01:01:07,874
Oh. Nothing specific.
Just some general stuff.
1299
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:10,585
You seemed tense. I thought
we could loosen you up.
1300
01:01:10,793 --> 01:01:11,919
Take your sweater off.
1301
01:01:13,421 --> 01:01:14,088
Oh, no, no.
1302
01:01:14,297 --> 01:01:15,506
For a massage. Heh.
1303
01:01:15,715 --> 01:01:18,092
David'll tell you,
these hands are magical.
1304
01:01:18,718 --> 01:01:21,429
Well, I don't really have
anything on underneath, $0...
1305
01:01:21,596 --> 01:01:23,764
Oh, it's okay. It's just
a couple girlfriends.
1306
01:01:25,433 --> 01:01:26,809
Now take it off.
1307
01:01:27,351 --> 01:01:28,436
Okay.
1308
01:01:32,106 --> 01:01:34,108
Why don't you lay on the bed?
1309
01:01:44,285 --> 01:01:45,453
- Ow.
- Sorry.
1310
01:01:49,957 --> 01:01:50,958
Feels good.
1311
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:52,793
Yeah, it does feel good.
1312
01:01:52,960 --> 01:01:55,046
I can't... I can't...
1313
01:01:55,254 --> 01:01:57,882
- Can I take this bra off'?
- Um...
1314
01:01:58,132 --> 01:02:00,468
- It's okay.
Girlfriends. - Ha-ha-ha.
1315
01:02:01,135 --> 01:02:02,637
That's better.
1316
01:02:02,803 --> 01:02:04,305
Should we do something?
1317
01:02:04,472 --> 01:02:07,141
I don't know, I kind of
wanna see what happens next.
1318
01:02:07,642 --> 01:02:08,643
Feels good.
1319
01:02:08,809 --> 01:02:09,977
Oh, it's so hard.
1320
01:02:10,144 --> 01:02:12,480
This knot on your back is so hard.
1321
01:02:12,647 --> 01:02:14,315
Look, don't be alarmed...
1322
01:02:15,483 --> 01:02:19,570
...but I'm gonna squirt some
lotion on your back in about...
1323
01:02:19,987 --> 01:02:21,322
...35 seconds.
1324
01:02:21,489 --> 01:02:22,323
Excuse me?
1325
01:02:22,490 --> 01:02:23,741
- Shut up.
- What the fuck?
1326
01:02:23,908 --> 01:02:24,992
Shut the fuck up!
1327
01:02:25,159 --> 01:02:26,327
Get the fuck off of me!
1328
01:02:26,494 --> 01:02:28,329
You like it rough? I can play that way.
1329
01:02:28,496 --> 01:02:30,164
God! I thought you were gay!
1330
01:02:30,373 --> 01:02:31,832
I am gay. Gay for that pussy.
1331
01:02:31,999 --> 01:02:33,000
Oh!
1332
01:02:33,167 --> 01:02:35,253
I don't know what sick
game you're playing...
1333
01:02:35,419 --> 01:02:37,672
...but touch me again,
I'll rip your dick off!
1334
01:02:43,386 --> 01:02:45,263
Morty, Kumar, long time.
1335
01:02:47,348 --> 01:02:49,433
It's Harold, actually.
1336
01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:51,102
Ha-ha-ha. Of
course it is.
1337
01:02:51,310 --> 01:02:52,520
Come on, have a seat.
1338
01:02:52,687 --> 01:02:56,190
How long has it been? You two
look great. Have you lost weight?
1339
01:02:56,399 --> 01:02:58,025
Is that Hugo Boss? I love it.
1340
01:02:58,192 --> 01:03:00,194
Well, thanks. Listen, um...
1341
01:03:00,695 --> 01:03:03,531
Would you like a waffle, Mr. Harris?
1342
01:03:04,031 --> 01:03:05,408
Shut up!
1343
01:03:05,616 --> 01:03:06,534
God, I hate this...
1344
01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:08,703
...fucking PancakeBot thing.
1345
01:03:08,911 --> 01:03:10,371
Dude, it's a WaffleBot.
1346
01:03:10,538 --> 01:03:11,664
They're awesome.
1347
01:03:11,831 --> 01:03:12,456
WaffleThing.
1348
01:03:12,623 --> 01:03:13,708
Get the fuck...
1349
01:03:13,916 --> 01:03:15,209
...out of my life!
1350
01:03:15,918 --> 01:03:17,545
Ouch.
1351
01:03:19,130 --> 01:03:20,047
Anyway...
1352
01:03:20,214 --> 01:03:22,717
...what can I do for
you, my burglars of turd?
1353
01:03:22,925 --> 01:03:25,052
Time-the-fuck-out. How
are you still alive?
1354
01:03:25,219 --> 01:03:26,429
Yeah, how the fuck?
1355
01:03:26,804 --> 01:03:28,139
What are you talking about?
1356
01:03:28,306 --> 01:03:29,473
We saw you get shot.
1357
01:03:30,224 --> 01:03:31,726
You have to be more specific.
1358
01:03:31,934 --> 01:03:32,810
In that whorehouse.
1359
01:03:32,977 --> 01:03:33,561
In Texas.
1360
01:03:33,728 --> 01:03:35,146
You branded a prostitute.
1361
01:03:35,313 --> 01:03:35,896
Remember?
1362
01:03:36,230 --> 01:03:37,898
Oh, yeah!
1363
01:03:38,065 --> 01:03:40,234
Now I remember.
1364
01:03:40,568 --> 01:03:41,736
It hurt like hell
1365
01:03:41,902 --> 01:03:42,737
at first
1366
01:03:42,903 --> 01:03:43,654
And then...
1367
01:03:45,865 --> 01:03:47,408
...everything faded away.
1368
01:03:48,200 --> 01:03:49,243
And I went to heaven.
1369
01:03:51,078 --> 01:03:52,079
It was exactly...
1370
01:03:52,246 --> 01:03:53,247
like I imagined it
1371
01:03:55,249 --> 01:03:56,417
Saint Peter was there...
1372
01:03:56,584 --> 01:03:57,585
...to meet me.
1373
01:03:57,752 --> 01:03:59,253
Whoa. No way!
1374
01:03:59,462 --> 01:04:00,963
- NPH?
- Yup.
1375
01:04:01,589 --> 01:04:04,258
Make room! Make room! VIP!
1376
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:09,096
The chicks were hot. The music was sick.
1377
01:04:09,263 --> 01:04:10,765
There were lasers.
1378
01:04:10,973 --> 01:04:12,683
It was like being famous...
1379
01:04:12,850 --> 01:04:14,143
...in the early '90s.
1380
01:04:14,310 --> 01:04:14,977
Yeah.
1381
01:04:15,144 --> 01:04:16,020
There he is. NPH.
1382
01:04:16,354 --> 01:04:19,023
- Where the hell am I?
- More like where the heaven are you?
1383
01:04:19,190 --> 01:04:20,941
- What can we get for you?
- Whiskey.
1384
01:04:21,108 --> 01:04:23,194
Straight up. And a glass
of rocks on the side.
1385
01:04:24,236 --> 01:04:25,112
Thanks.
1386
01:04:25,279 --> 01:04:29,700
Hey, hey, look at that.
NPH, Neil Patrick Harris.
1387
01:04:29,867 --> 01:04:31,619
Would you guys be excited to meet him?
1388
01:04:31,786 --> 01:04:33,913
Come on, girls. I'll introduce you.
1389
01:04:34,288 --> 01:04:36,957
Neil Patrick Harris. My man.
1390
01:04:37,458 --> 01:04:38,084
Welcome to...
1391
01:04:38,250 --> 01:04:40,795
...heaven. Good to have you on board, NPH.
- Hi.
1392
01:04:40,961 --> 01:04:42,046
Or you prefer Neil?
1393
01:04:42,213 --> 01:04:44,215
Uh, either way, it doesn't
matter. Hey, ladies.
1394
01:04:44,840 --> 01:04:47,802
Neil Patrick Harris. I
played Private Carl Jenkins...
1395
01:04:47,968 --> 01:04:50,137
...in Starship Troopers.
1396
01:04:50,346 --> 01:04:54,392
Excuse me, uh, Neil.
But I'm Jesus. So...
1397
01:04:54,975 --> 01:04:55,976
Jesus...?
1398
01:04:56,268 --> 01:04:58,562
Jesus Christ. That's me.
I'm Jesus Christ, Neil.
1399
01:04:59,146 --> 01:05:01,649
Thanks. Couldn't do it
without the little people.
1400
01:05:02,733 --> 01:05:03,734
Er... No.
1401
01:05:03,901 --> 01:05:06,028
So, ladies, have you
ever heard of something...
1402
01:05:06,195 --> 01:05:08,697
- ... called the Kama Sutra?
- Come on, Neil.
1403
01:05:08,864 --> 01:05:10,074
Don't play me like that.
1404
01:05:10,241 --> 01:05:11,659
I mean, I'm Jesus Christ.
1405
01:05:11,826 --> 01:05:13,786
- I practically run this place.
- Oh. For reals?
1406
01:05:13,953 --> 01:05:14,912
Yeah, yeah, for real.
1407
01:05:15,079 --> 01:05:17,498
- I mean, my dad owns it but...
- Ha, ha. You're one of those.
1408
01:05:20,126 --> 01:05:21,961
Let's get shots. Keep the party going.
1409
01:05:22,503 --> 01:05:24,422
- Shots.
- Yeah, thanks. Couple of shots.
1410
01:05:24,588 --> 01:05:26,715
- That went bad.
- I thought it went good.
1411
01:05:26,882 --> 01:05:27,550
So, girls...
1412
01:05:30,469 --> 01:05:32,221
Aw, come on.
1413
01:05:32,388 --> 01:05:33,681
How did that happen already?
1414
01:05:36,308 --> 01:05:37,518
Give me the phone to Dad.
1415
01:05:38,853 --> 01:05:40,521
This is God.
- Daddy?
1416
01:05:40,688 --> 01:05:42,398
We need to 86 NPH ASAP.
1417
01:05:42,565 --> 01:05:44,316
He's getting a handjob in my club.
1418
01:05:46,777 --> 01:05:49,447
Jesus, what a cockblock.
1419
01:05:50,364 --> 01:05:51,782
Doesn't explain the gay thing.
1420
01:05:51,949 --> 01:05:53,284
You're not gay, motherfucker.
1421
01:05:53,451 --> 01:05:54,160
At all.
1422
01:05:54,326 --> 01:05:55,703
LAUGHS]
1423
01:05:56,203 --> 01:05:58,998
That's a little something we
magicians call "misdirection. "
1424
01:05:59,206 --> 01:06:00,374
Little trick I learned...
1425
01:06:00,541 --> 01:06:01,542
- ... from Clay Aiken.
- What?
1426
01:06:01,709 --> 01:06:03,127
Clay Aiken's not gay?
1427
01:06:03,294 --> 01:06:07,214
Clay's the biggest coozehound
I know. That guy gets mad gash.
1428
01:06:07,381 --> 01:06:08,299
Neil, listen.
1429
01:06:08,466 --> 01:06:10,217
I was wondering if...
1430
01:06:10,384 --> 01:06:12,470
I can get you one of
those Christmas trees?
1431
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:13,679
Sure, no problem.
1432
01:06:13,846 --> 01:06:14,847
How'd you know that?
1433
01:06:15,222 --> 01:06:16,974
I can read your mind.
1434
01:06:18,726 --> 01:06:19,727
All right.
1435
01:06:19,894 --> 01:06:21,020
You might be able to...?
1436
01:06:21,228 --> 01:06:24,356
Hook you up with a free WaffleBot?
You know what? Take mine.
1437
01:06:24,523 --> 01:06:25,900
I hate that android fuck.
1438
01:06:26,108 --> 01:06:28,903
Don't call him that,
dude. What's up, WaffleBot?
1439
01:06:29,069 --> 01:06:31,238
Waffles are awesome.
Pancakes suck, right?
1440
01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:33,199
I hate pancakes.
1441
01:06:33,365 --> 01:06:34,241
I know, so do I.
1442
01:06:34,408 --> 01:06:36,118
Kumar.
1443
01:06:37,495 --> 01:06:38,329
Thanks, Neil.
1444
01:06:38,496 --> 01:06:39,538
- Thanks.
- No problem.
1445
01:06:39,747 --> 01:06:42,541
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
We'll see you in the fourth one.
1446
01:06:44,126 --> 01:06:47,463
God, this is amazing. We're actually
gonna make it home before they do.
1447
01:06:47,630 --> 01:06:49,882
- We saved Christmas, man.
- Mission accomplished.
1448
01:06:50,049 --> 01:06:52,343
- All right, put down the tree. Put it down.
- Unh!
1449
01:06:52,551 --> 01:06:54,136
All right.
- Waffle break?
1450
01:06:54,345 --> 01:06:56,222
All right. Oh, God.
1451
01:06:56,388 --> 01:06:58,057
Oh, my God. WaffleBot.
1452
01:06:58,265 --> 01:06:59,350
Dude, seriously...
1453
01:06:59,517 --> 01:07:01,268
...these are incredible waffles.
1454
01:07:01,435 --> 01:07:04,063
Kumar and WaffleBot friends forever.
1455
01:07:04,563 --> 01:07:06,398
Ha, ha. No doubt, WaffleBot
1456
01:07:06,565 --> 01:07:08,150
I love you
1457
01:07:08,317 --> 01:07:09,985
- ... Kumar.
- Ha,ha.
1458
01:07:10,152 --> 01:07:11,529
I love you too, little guy.
1459
01:07:12,029 --> 01:07:12,738
What the fuck?
1460
01:07:12,905 --> 01:07:14,448
That is the weirdest fucking toy.
1461
01:07:15,074 --> 01:07:15,908
You're happy. -
1462
01:07:16,075 --> 01:07:18,536
See? You're laughing.
You're having fun. Admit it:
1463
01:07:18,702 --> 01:07:20,621
I'm more fun to hang out with than Todd
1464
01:07:20,788 --> 01:07:23,415
Todd and Ava. I totally
forgot about them.
1465
01:07:23,916 --> 01:07:25,251
I'm sure they're fine, right?
1466
01:07:25,417 --> 01:07:26,710
It's going to voice-mail.
1467
01:07:26,877 --> 01:07:28,671
I think they're fine. Todd's a big boy.
1468
01:07:28,837 --> 01:07:30,965
He's probably putting
her to bed or something.
1469
01:07:31,173 --> 01:07:33,926
Yeah. They're probably fine, right?
1470
01:07:36,804 --> 01:07:38,556
Look at me, look at me!
1471
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:40,432
Why wasn't you at school today?
1472
01:07:40,599 --> 01:07:41,809
I went to the park.
1473
01:07:41,976 --> 01:07:43,060
She lying-
1474
01:07:43,310 --> 01:07:45,688
What was you doing? You
supposed to be at school.
1475
01:07:47,022 --> 01:07:49,108
Little girl, I'm not
gonna ask you no more.
1476
01:07:49,316 --> 01:07:53,279
I'm not smart like the other
kids. I can't do that stuff.
1477
01:07:53,445 --> 01:07:54,989
Who told you that?
1478
01:07:55,197 --> 01:07:57,283
My last foster mother.
1479
01:07:57,449 --> 01:08:01,412
She told me that the only thing I'm gonna
be smart enough to do is lay on my back.
1480
01:08:01,579 --> 01:08:04,498
The best revenge you can have
on somebody that told you that...
1481
01:08:05,874 --> 01:08:08,961
...is to prove them wrong. I went to
that school and I got your homework.
1482
01:08:09,128 --> 01:08:12,047
Are you fucking kidding me?
1483
01:08:13,132 --> 01:08:13,882
- Oh.
- Oh.
1484
01:08:14,425 --> 01:08:15,968
Maybe that's Todd.
1485
01:08:16,260 --> 01:08:17,970
Whoa, why is Vanessa calling you?
1486
01:08:18,137 --> 01:08:19,763
Oh, that's because Maria is...
1487
01:08:19,930 --> 01:08:21,140
- Hello?
- Kumar?
1488
01:08:21,348 --> 01:08:22,433
- Is that you?
- Yeah.
1489
01:08:22,600 --> 01:08:24,143
Why are you calling Harold?
1490
01:08:25,144 --> 01:08:26,520
Can I just speak to him, please?
1491
01:08:26,687 --> 01:08:28,105
What? No.
1492
01:08:28,272 --> 01:08:29,481
I've been texting you.
1493
01:08:29,648 --> 01:08:31,400
I haven '1' heard back. What's going on?
1494
01:08:31,567 --> 01:08:32,735
Tell him I'm not gonna...
1495
01:08:32,901 --> 01:08:34,486
...make it to his party tomorrow.
1496
01:08:34,653 --> 01:08:37,406
Oh. Oh, you're not gonna make it...
1497
01:08:37,573 --> 01:08:39,533
She won't make it to
your party. Too bad.
1498
01:08:39,700 --> 01:08:41,952
What else have you been
doing behind my back?
1499
01:08:42,119 --> 01:08:44,246
Has she seen your dick?
Is it bigger than mine?
1500
01:08:44,413 --> 01:08:46,999
Kumar, you're acting
ridiculous, okay? Goodbye.
1501
01:08:47,166 --> 01:08:48,959
No, don't hang up the phone on me.
1502
01:08:49,376 --> 01:08:50,502
Hello?
1503
01:08:51,879 --> 01:08:53,255
Here's your phone.
1504
01:08:53,631 --> 01:08:54,340
What is that?
1505
01:08:54,506 --> 01:08:57,009
That's Vanessa, Todd,
Rosenberg, Uncle Yoav.
1506
01:08:57,176 --> 01:08:59,011
Does everybody know about this party?
1507
01:08:59,178 --> 01:09:01,221
Listen, if you want you can come.
1508
01:09:01,388 --> 01:09:03,974
I don't wanna come to your
shitty-ass party, dude.
1509
01:09:04,141 --> 01:09:06,352
I can't believe you'd invite
Vanessa and not tell me.
1510
01:09:06,518 --> 01:09:08,145
Am I supposed to feel bad?
1511
01:09:08,312 --> 01:09:11,815
Maybe if you acted more like an adult,
you'd get invited to adult parties.
1512
01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:14,193
Maybe you should go back
to your fancy house...
1513
01:09:14,401 --> 01:09:16,612
...with your douchey
friends and gay-ass sconces.
1514
01:09:16,779 --> 01:09:18,238
I don't need to be part of this.
1515
01:09:18,405 --> 01:09:19,698
I love those sconces.
1516
01:09:19,907 --> 01:09:22,368
You know, I was really happy
till you showed up today.
1517
01:09:22,534 --> 01:09:24,328
Okay. Well, then, fuck it, dude.
1518
01:09:24,495 --> 01:09:25,954
- I'm out.
- Fine with me.
1519
01:09:26,121 --> 01:09:26,664
Fine.
1520
01:09:26,830 --> 01:09:28,040
- Cool.
- All right.
1521
01:09:28,207 --> 01:09:30,209
- Are we having lovers' quarrel?
- Oh, shit.
1522
01:09:35,923 --> 01:09:39,218
Kumar, my friend.
1523
01:09:42,179 --> 01:09:43,430
Oh, look.
1524
01:09:43,597 --> 01:09:44,473
A WaffleBot.
1525
01:09:44,640 --> 01:09:45,307
Mary would...
1526
01:09:45,474 --> 01:09:46,892
...love one of
these. - Uh-huh.
1527
01:09:47,059 --> 01:09:48,227
Grab it.
1528
01:09:48,435 --> 01:09:50,062
Oh, crap.
1529
01:09:55,734 --> 01:09:56,944
Wake up!
1530
01:09:57,945 --> 01:10:00,239
Wake up! Wake up!
1531
01:10:00,948 --> 01:10:02,116
Wake up.
1532
01:10:03,826 --> 01:10:05,327
- Wake up.
- Oh.
1533
01:10:05,577 --> 01:10:07,121
Oh, shit.
1534
01:10:07,329 --> 01:10:10,082
Please, I don't know what we've
done, but please let us go.
1535
01:10:10,249 --> 01:10:12,584
After you made Eiffel Tower on Mary?
1536
01:10:12,751 --> 01:10:14,086
That was a misunderstanding.
1537
01:10:14,253 --> 01:10:16,213
I'm freezing! Give us back our clothes.
1538
01:10:16,380 --> 01:10:18,257
Yuri, warm them up.
1539
01:10:22,886 --> 01:10:24,972
Kumar.
1540
01:10:25,139 --> 01:10:26,265
Please don't do that.
1541
01:10:26,473 --> 01:10:29,727
Please, please, please. There
is a very serious gas crisis...
1542
01:10:29,893 --> 01:10:32,104
...in the world. Let's discuss.
- Come on, man!
1543
01:10:32,271 --> 01:10:35,065
As they say in my country:
1544
01:10:36,483 --> 01:10:37,985
No, don't say "do svidaniya. "
1545
01:10:38,152 --> 01:10:40,154
Yuri, light them up.
1546
01:10:40,320 --> 01:10:41,989
No, please don't light us up.
1547
01:10:48,579 --> 01:10:50,080
You didn't get the lighter.
1548
01:10:50,289 --> 01:10:53,709
You said gasoline, Orbits and coffee.
1549
01:10:53,876 --> 01:10:55,085
Nothing about lighter.
1550
01:10:55,502 --> 01:10:57,296
You stupid...
1551
01:10:57,504 --> 01:11:00,340
...fucking moron!
1552
01:11:00,507 --> 01:11:02,843
What do you think we
light the gasoline with?
1553
01:11:03,010 --> 01:11:04,094
You know what, Gustav?
1554
01:11:04,428 --> 01:11:08,348
I'm sick and tired of your fucking
passive-aggressive bullshit.
1555
01:11:08,557 --> 01:11:10,559
- You know what this is about?
- What?
1556
01:11:10,726 --> 01:11:12,060
Tell me what is it about.
1557
01:11:12,227 --> 01:11:16,190
You can't take the fact that
Sergei likes me better than you.
1558
01:11:18,942 --> 01:11:19,651
Oh, shit.
1559
01:11:30,871 --> 01:11:31,622
Hey, guys, stop!
1560
01:11:31,789 --> 01:11:34,082
Stop! Guys, guys, stop it, stop it
1561
01:11:35,501 --> 01:11:38,796
Now, look, I understand that
you guys have your issues, okay?
1562
01:11:39,129 --> 01:11:43,091
But wasn't there a time you actually
used to get along? You might be in...
1563
01:11:43,258 --> 01:11:46,845
...a different time and place, but
that doesn't change the fact that you...
1564
01:11:47,012 --> 01:11:49,848
...have a long and probably
beautiful history together.
1565
01:11:51,642 --> 01:11:55,229
Yeah, maybe one of you
fucks up every now and again.
1566
01:11:55,729 --> 01:11:56,980
Happens.
1567
01:11:57,147 --> 01:11:59,525
Maybe he fucks up all the time.
1568
01:12:00,234 --> 01:12:02,861
Doesn't mean the other should
forget about the good times.
1569
01:12:03,237 --> 01:12:04,404
Right.
1570
01:12:06,490 --> 01:12:07,658
Right.
1571
01:12:07,825 --> 01:12:12,746
Yeah, and maybe just
because the other one.
1572
01:12:12,913 --> 01:12:14,790
...Is trying to act like an adult...
1573
01:12:14,957 --> 01:12:17,668
...and be responsible
doesn't necessarily mean...
1574
01:12:17,835 --> 01:12:19,837
...that he's being a fucking chode.
1575
01:12:20,379 --> 01:12:23,966
Maybe he's been a chode,
caring more about bay windows...
1576
01:12:24,132 --> 01:12:26,552
...and sconces than a
lifetime of friendship.
1577
01:12:28,762 --> 01:12:29,763
What do you say, GUYS?
1578
01:12:35,269 --> 01:12:36,895
- Yeah, hug it out.
- All right.
1579
01:12:37,604 --> 01:12:38,272
He)', guys.
1580
01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,274
How about you cut us out?
1581
01:12:40,524 --> 01:12:42,568
We'll go get ourselves a Christmas beer.
1582
01:12:42,776 --> 01:12:44,653
- A beer sounds great.
- Awesome.
1583
01:12:46,280 --> 01:12:47,239
But first...
1584
01:12:47,406 --> 01:12:49,032
...we have some killing to do.
1585
01:12:49,199 --> 01:12:49,867
Come on!
1586
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:51,743
After we just had that breakthrough?
1587
01:12:51,910 --> 01:12:55,289
Sorry. Say your goodbyes.
It'll all be over quick.
1588
01:12:57,583 --> 01:12:59,918
- Is this how we die'?
- I think so, dude.
1589
01:13:01,587 --> 01:13:02,588
Bye, Kumar.
1590
01:13:03,672 --> 01:13:05,048
Bye, Harold.
1591
01:13:05,591 --> 01:13:06,717
Kumar.
1592
01:13:06,884 --> 01:13:08,093
Your waffles...
1593
01:13:08,302 --> 01:13:09,803
- ... are ready.
- WaffleBot?
1594
01:13:11,555 --> 01:13:13,932
These guys think pancakes
are better than waffles.
1595
01:13:14,308 --> 01:13:15,434
I hate...
1596
01:13:15,601 --> 01:13:17,185
pancakes.
1597
01:13:23,317 --> 01:13:24,776
They serve pancakes...
1598
01:13:24,943 --> 01:13:26,820
in hell
1599
01:13:29,364 --> 01:13:29,907
Ooh!
1600
01:13:32,951 --> 01:13:34,161
Holy shit!
1601
01:13:34,328 --> 01:13:35,704
You hurt my brother!
1602
01:13:43,045 --> 01:13:43,712
Whoo!
1603
01:13:44,755 --> 01:13:46,924
- How do we get out of these ropes?
- WaffleBot.
1604
01:13:47,090 --> 01:13:48,967
Kumar.
1605
01:13:49,468 --> 01:13:51,011
Can you untie us?
1606
01:13:51,219 --> 01:13:52,262
Battery low
1607
01:13:52,429 --> 01:13:53,889
Losing...
1608
01:13:54,056 --> 01:13:55,182
...power.
1609
01:13:55,349 --> 01:13:56,391
WaffleBot, look at me.
1610
01:13:56,558 --> 01:13:57,643
You can do this, man.
1611
01:14:09,571 --> 01:14:12,449
- Ha,ha.
- Oh, man. Thanks, WaffleBot.
1612
01:14:13,158 --> 01:14:14,868
You're welcome, Kumar.
1613
01:14:15,035 --> 01:14:20,290
Pancakes are fucking gay.
1614
01:14:22,876 --> 01:14:25,671
Holy shit. That is the
best Christmas toy ever.
1615
01:14:26,129 --> 01:14:27,798
I guess. It's extraordinarily...
1616
01:14:27,965 --> 01:14:30,300
...unsafe, but it did save our lives.
1617
01:14:31,885 --> 01:14:33,428
- Listen, man, I...
- Man, this...
1618
01:14:33,595 --> 01:14:35,639
- Aah!
- Oh, my God.
1619
01:14:36,264 --> 01:14:37,891
Holy shit!
1620
01:14:38,517 --> 01:14:39,518
This is like that...
1621
01:14:39,685 --> 01:14:41,186
...scene from A Christmas Story.
1622
01:14:41,395 --> 01:14:43,522
Is it like the scene
from A Christmas Story?
1623
01:14:43,689 --> 01:14:45,023
I just saw this scene.
1624
01:14:46,149 --> 01:14:48,151
- Oh, fuck!
- Okay, we need...
1625
01:14:48,318 --> 01:14:50,862
...some sort of a warm
liquid. I'll spit on it.
1626
01:14:51,029 --> 01:14:52,739
Don't fucking spit on my dick!
1627
01:14:52,906 --> 01:14:54,157
Fine. Can you pee on it?
1628
01:14:54,408 --> 01:14:55,909
Give me a second.
1629
01:14:56,660 --> 01:14:58,537
- It's not working.
- Fine, I'll pee on it.
1630
01:14:58,704 --> 01:14:59,788
Don't pee on me!
1631
01:14:59,955 --> 01:15:01,415
Jesus! Well, then what the hell do...?
1632
01:15:01,581 --> 01:15:03,917
- Oh. Our clothes.
- Oh.
1633
01:15:04,084 --> 01:15:05,377
Cool about the clothes.
1634
01:15:05,544 --> 01:15:07,421
My dick's stuck to a pole!
1635
01:15:09,756 --> 01:15:12,259
Dude, you're in luck.
There's still coffee in here.
1636
01:15:12,426 --> 01:15:14,136
Get it over here. Hurry the fuck up!
1637
01:15:14,302 --> 01:15:16,513
Okay, look, this is scalding hot coffee.
1638
01:15:16,680 --> 01:15:20,392
So I'm just gonna pour a little bit
on. Probably gonna sting for a second.
1639
01:15:20,559 --> 01:15:21,977
- Get it over with!
- All right.
1640
01:15:22,185 --> 01:15:23,311
Just let me just...
1641
01:15:25,188 --> 01:15:26,064
- I'm sorry.
- Fuck!
1642
01:15:26,231 --> 01:15:27,399
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, dude!
1643
01:15:27,566 --> 01:15:29,067
Oh, God, I ruined your dick!
1644
01:15:29,234 --> 01:15:30,402
You asshole!
1645
01:15:30,569 --> 01:15:31,862
Just walk it off.
1646
01:15:32,029 --> 01:15:33,530
Walk it off.
1647
01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:39,494
How long are we
supposed to stay in here?
1648
01:15:39,703 --> 01:15:42,330
Until that fucking
Russian sociopathic...
1649
01:15:42,497 --> 01:15:43,749
...killing machine leaves.
1650
01:15:47,335 --> 01:15:49,755
They gave my daughter ecstasy.
1651
01:15:51,381 --> 01:15:53,759
I don't know Russian, but
he seems a little upset.
1652
01:15:53,967 --> 01:15:55,343
I'd say so. Shh, shh!
1653
01:15:55,719 --> 01:15:56,928
She's crashing hard.
1654
01:15:57,095 --> 01:15:58,680
We gotta give her more blow.
1655
01:15:58,847 --> 01:16:00,098
No, no! No more cocaine!
1656
01:16:00,265 --> 01:16:01,141
I need it!
1657
01:16:01,308 --> 01:16:03,351
- There's some.
- Do not give her more!
1658
01:16:03,518 --> 01:16:04,603
Give it to me!
1659
01:16:04,770 --> 01:16:05,812
Ava, no! No, please!
1660
01:16:05,979 --> 01:16:07,481
Stop for Daddy. Shh, shh! Please!
1661
01:16:07,981 --> 01:16:09,107
Dude, look.
1662
01:16:09,274 --> 01:16:10,275
Oh, this is not good!
1663
01:16:10,484 --> 01:16:11,526
Oh, this is not good.
1664
01:16:11,735 --> 01:16:12,778
Oh, this is not good!
1665
01:16:13,278 --> 01:16:15,614
Ava! Scooch to Daddy! Hide behind Daddy!
1666
01:16:15,781 --> 01:16:17,949
New plan. Let's bash through the door.
1667
01:16:18,116 --> 01:16:19,117
You steal his gun.
1668
01:16:19,284 --> 01:16:21,286
That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard!
1669
01:16:43,058 --> 01:16:43,767
Yah!
1670
01:16:44,559 --> 01:16:47,020
Oh, fuck me. Fuck. I'm...
1671
01:16:48,563 --> 01:16:49,856
I'm so sorry. Wow.
1672
01:16:50,023 --> 01:16:52,651
I thought that would
knock you out, obviously.
1673
01:16:52,818 --> 01:16:53,985
Look. We are...
1674
01:16:54,152 --> 01:16:55,403
...two reasonable guys...
1675
01:16:55,570 --> 01:16:57,280
...and...
1676
01:17:02,035 --> 01:17:04,830
These are dangerous, but,
aw, it's a great workout.
1677
01:17:05,038 --> 01:17:06,998
You can really feel it.
1678
01:17:07,165 --> 01:17:09,876
Bis, pecs, this one.
1679
01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:11,711
Thank you, Adrian.
1680
01:17:11,878 --> 01:17:13,713
That was a really great team effort.
1681
01:17:13,880 --> 01:17:15,674
Who's my sidekick? You are.
1682
01:17:15,841 --> 01:17:16,466
Let's go.
1683
01:17:16,633 --> 01:17:19,553
Good girl! Let's go
home! Let's go see Santa.
1684
01:17:19,928 --> 01:17:20,679
Oh, mints!
1685
01:17:22,764 --> 01:17:23,557
Mm.
1686
01:17:25,684 --> 01:17:27,185
Where the fuck are we?
1687
01:17:27,352 --> 01:17:30,063
Those guys weren't kidding.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
1688
01:17:31,690 --> 01:17:32,816
Do you have any bars?
1689
01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:35,360
- I got no bars.
- Shit. Nothing here.
1690
01:17:35,819 --> 01:17:37,070
Hello?
1691
01:17:38,697 --> 01:17:40,365
Anybody here?
1692
01:17:41,116 --> 01:17:42,367
Forget it. Just...
1693
01:17:42,868 --> 01:17:44,202
Forget it. It's past 2 a. m.
1694
01:17:44,369 --> 01:17:47,205
They're home, wondering
where I am, where the tree is.
1695
01:17:47,372 --> 01:17:48,582
I just...
1696
01:17:49,374 --> 01:17:51,418
It's such a disaster,
this fucking night.
1697
01:17:51,585 --> 01:17:53,545
Yeah, you have no fucking idea, dude.
1698
01:17:53,712 --> 01:17:54,963
No. When Maria's dad...
1699
01:17:55,130 --> 01:17:57,632
...was a young boy in
Medellin- - Vanessa's pregnant.
1700
01:17:58,091 --> 01:17:59,217
What?
1701
01:17:59,384 --> 01:18:02,137
She told me earlier today.
My reaction was not awesome.
1702
01:18:02,971 --> 01:18:05,557
I thought weed stunted
fertility. That's why I quit.
1703
01:18:05,724 --> 01:18:08,143
Yeah. Tell that to Snoop's kids.
1704
01:18:08,351 --> 01:18:10,437
Wait a second, that's why you quit weed?
1705
01:18:10,729 --> 01:18:12,147
Yeah, that's why I...
1706
01:18:13,607 --> 01:18:17,068
We've been trying for
like a... For a year.
1707
01:18:17,235 --> 01:18:18,570
Oh, man.
1708
01:18:18,737 --> 01:18:20,864
Now I feel even worse about your dick.
1709
01:18:21,114 --> 01:18:22,282
I don't wanna...
1710
01:18:22,449 --> 01:18:23,617
How do we get out?
1711
01:18:26,244 --> 01:18:27,245
I got an idea.
1712
01:18:30,123 --> 01:18:31,583
I saw this in a movie, man.
1713
01:18:31,750 --> 01:18:34,127
Just shoot this
motherfucker, people come.
1714
01:18:34,294 --> 01:18:35,295
We can find people.
1715
01:18:35,462 --> 01:18:37,756
No, it's fine. Aah!
1716
01:18:41,760 --> 01:18:42,469
Now what?
1717
01:18:43,136 --> 01:18:44,262
I don't know.
1718
01:18:48,141 --> 01:18:49,476
No fucking way.
1719
01:18:59,945 --> 01:19:01,279
Santa, can you hear me?
1720
01:19:01,446 --> 01:19:02,948
Oh, what the fuck?
1721
01:19:03,156 --> 01:19:06,660
Lie still. You've been in a terrible
accident. I'm gonna take a closer look.
1722
01:19:08,536 --> 01:19:09,162
Oh, God!
1723
01:19:09,329 --> 01:19:10,163
This isn't good.
1724
01:19:10,330 --> 01:19:11,665
Mr. Claus, can you feel...
1725
01:19:11,831 --> 01:19:12,499
...any of this?
1726
01:19:14,167 --> 01:19:15,627
Just let me die, please!
1727
01:19:15,794 --> 01:19:17,170
Let me die in peace!
1728
01:19:17,337 --> 01:19:20,006
No. Nobody's dying,
Claus. Not on my watch.
1729
01:19:20,173 --> 01:19:22,842
Listen to me. I need you to
go into Santa's gift bag...
1730
01:19:23,009 --> 01:19:25,220
...get as many medical
supplies as you can.
1731
01:19:35,689 --> 01:19:36,815
Oh, God!
1732
01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:39,859
Aah!
1733
01:19:42,821 --> 01:19:44,239
Ah, there.
1734
01:19:44,572 --> 01:19:45,740
I think that'll do it.
1735
01:19:45,991 --> 01:19:47,242
How do you feel, Mr. Claus?
1736
01:19:47,450 --> 01:19:49,327
Uh, a little woozy.
1737
01:19:49,494 --> 01:19:51,079
The morphine. It'll wear off.
1738
01:19:51,246 --> 01:19:53,456
Nice. But I...
1739
01:19:53,623 --> 01:19:54,582
...think I'm okay.
1740
01:19:54,749 --> 01:19:57,961
Look, Santa, we're so sorry.
1741
01:19:58,128 --> 01:20:00,380
Oh, I know it wasn't your fault.
1742
01:20:00,547 --> 01:20:02,799
You two have always been good boys.
1743
01:20:03,591 --> 01:20:05,176
Tell that to my
father-in-law.
1744
01:20:05,343 --> 01:20:08,179
Hey, man, I can take the
blame for that, all right?
1745
01:20:08,346 --> 01:20:10,390
Listen, I'd love to stay and chat...
1746
01:20:10,557 --> 01:20:13,643
...but I'm running a little
late and I have all these...
1747
01:20:13,810 --> 01:20:15,687
...presents to deliver.
1748
01:20:15,854 --> 01:20:17,856
So you guys need a ride or something?
1749
01:20:18,356 --> 01:20:19,482
Seriously?
1750
01:20:19,941 --> 01:20:22,193
Ha, ha. Dude, this is awesome!
1751
01:20:22,360 --> 01:20:24,029
It's not not awesome!
1752
01:20:24,738 --> 01:20:25,989
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1753
01:20:41,921 --> 01:20:43,089
Thanks for the ride.
1754
01:20:43,757 --> 01:20:44,549
I'm guessing...
1755
01:20:44,758 --> 01:20:46,885
...you don't have a 12-foot Fraser fir?
1756
01:20:47,135 --> 01:20:48,636
Sorry. I can't help you there.
1757
01:20:49,137 --> 01:20:49,888
Besides...
1758
01:20:50,055 --> 01:20:51,556
...I gave you your present.
1759
01:20:51,765 --> 01:20:53,391
- You did?
- Yes.
1760
01:20:53,558 --> 01:20:54,768
You got my package, right?
1761
01:20:54,934 --> 01:20:55,602
The joint?
1762
01:20:56,144 --> 01:20:57,395
- That was you?
- Yeah.
1763
01:20:57,562 --> 01:21:00,273
It was my little way of
bringing you boys back together.
1764
01:21:02,942 --> 01:21:03,610
Dude...
1765
01:21:03,902 --> 01:21:06,154
...I'd really like it if
you came over tomorrow.
1766
01:21:06,404 --> 01:21:08,114
Won't be a party unless you're there.
1767
01:21:08,281 --> 01:21:10,408
It's about fucking time, Roldy.
1768
01:21:10,825 --> 01:21:12,577
I wouldn't miss it, man.
1769
01:21:16,331 --> 01:21:19,084
By the way, for what it's worth...
1770
01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:20,919
...you'd make a great dad.
1771
01:21:22,420 --> 01:21:23,171
Well, I guess...
1772
01:21:23,338 --> 01:21:25,548
...this is goodbye,
Roldy. Be a good boy...
1773
01:21:25,715 --> 01:21:26,591
...next year.
1774
01:21:26,800 --> 01:21:27,759
All right.
1775
01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:30,970
No more jerking off into a
sock filled with baby powder.
1776
01:21:31,304 --> 01:21:33,973
- I
- Ha, ha. Don't worry.
1777
01:21:34,140 --> 01:21:35,767
I'm just teasing you.
1778
01:21:35,934 --> 01:21:37,268
I do it too.
1779
01:21:37,435 --> 01:21:38,103
LAUGHS]
1780
01:21:40,814 --> 01:21:45,652
On, Prancer! On, Comet!
On, Blitzen! Hyah!
1781
01:21:48,321 --> 01:21:50,323
Merry Christmas, Roldy!
1782
01:22:01,584 --> 01:22:02,710
Where's the tree?
1783
01:22:08,883 --> 01:22:09,634
It's, um...
1784
01:22:10,343 --> 01:22:12,387
Okay, what happened is that, um...
1785
01:22:13,346 --> 01:22:14,681
You said you were going to...
1786
01:22:14,848 --> 01:22:17,475
...take care of it.
Now where's the tree?
1787
01:22:17,642 --> 01:22:20,145
What happened to the tree is, uh...
1788
01:22:21,104 --> 01:22:22,522
...I kind of burned it down.
1789
01:22:24,524 --> 01:22:26,359
That tree was a Perez...
1790
01:22:26,526 --> 01:22:28,194
...family tradition.
1791
01:22:28,361 --> 01:22:30,363
You ruined Christmas!
1792
01:22:30,613 --> 01:22:32,740
Ha, ha. I ruined your...?
1793
01:22:32,907 --> 01:22:34,409
You ruined my Christmas, man!
1794
01:22:34,868 --> 01:22:37,162
Heh, heh. Do you know what happened?
1795
01:22:37,370 --> 01:22:40,999
Uh, I inadvertently
introduced a baby to cocaine.
1796
01:22:41,166 --> 01:22:44,711
I was almost burned alive
by Ukrainian gangsters.
1797
01:22:44,878 --> 01:22:46,421
I was drugged by...
1798
01:22:46,588 --> 01:22:49,757
...asshole teenagers. Then I
danced in a Christmas extravaganza.
1799
01:22:49,924 --> 01:22:51,843
And I'm a terrible dancer.
1800
01:22:52,010 --> 01:22:53,553
I almost had my dick ripped off.
1801
01:22:53,928 --> 01:22:55,096
And then I shot...
1802
01:22:55,263 --> 01:22:59,017
...Santa Claus in the fucking face.
He's real, and I shot him in the face.
1803
01:22:59,184 --> 01:22:59,934
Why?
1804
01:23:01,019 --> 01:23:02,228
Because I wanted you...
1805
01:23:02,395 --> 01:23:05,064
...to have a perfect fucking Christmas.
1806
01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:07,025
Now, here's a newsflash:
1807
01:23:07,192 --> 01:23:09,152
This is my house.
1808
01:23:09,319 --> 01:23:11,362
Maria is my wife.
1809
01:23:11,529 --> 01:23:14,532
And if you want to be in our family...
1810
01:23:14,782 --> 01:23:17,410
...you best show me
some fucking respect.
1811
01:23:20,038 --> 01:23:21,247
Is that too much?
1812
01:23:23,791 --> 01:23:24,792
I like it.
1813
01:23:24,959 --> 01:23:26,419
- Really?
- Look.
1814
01:23:26,711 --> 01:23:28,796
I always knew you were a nice guy.
1815
01:23:29,047 --> 01:23:31,424
But that's not enough
to be with my Maria.
1816
01:23:31,591 --> 01:23:32,926
I didn't want her to be...
1817
01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:34,719
...with some wimpy pussy.
1818
01:23:35,720 --> 01:23:36,679
But you
1819
01:23:36,846 --> 01:23:38,681
You showed me you got cojones.
1820
01:23:38,848 --> 01:23:39,724
Testicles, right?
1821
01:23:41,059 --> 01:23:42,060
Rosetta Stone.
1822
01:23:43,436 --> 01:23:44,938
- You know what?
- What's that?
1823
01:23:45,313 --> 01:23:46,773
This coming Easter...
1824
01:23:48,233 --> 01:23:49,984
...you guys come to my house.
1825
01:23:50,193 --> 01:23:53,404
That would really be
great. Thank you, Carlos.
1826
01:23:53,571 --> 01:23:54,239
Mr. Perez.
1827
01:23:54,447 --> 01:23:55,490
Mr. Perez.
1828
01:24:08,962 --> 01:24:10,129
Fuck!
1829
01:24:11,130 --> 01:24:11,798
Kumar!
1830
01:24:11,965 --> 01:24:12,924
Jesus!
1831
01:24:13,091 --> 01:24:17,428
I'm sorry. I was gonna use the doorbell
but I didn't want to wake your parents.
1832
01:24:17,595 --> 01:24:19,847
What...? What are you
doing? You can't just...
1833
01:24:20,014 --> 01:24:21,349
Hold on. There's something...
1834
01:24:21,516 --> 01:24:22,934
...I need to say to you, okay?
1835
01:24:23,101 --> 01:24:26,479
When you told me you were pregnant,
I admit I was scared as shit.
1836
01:24:27,021 --> 01:24:29,315
The more I think about
it, the more excited I am.
1837
01:24:29,774 --> 01:24:31,317
I mean, I love kids.
1838
01:24:31,734 --> 01:24:33,278
That's because you are a kid.
1839
01:24:33,486 --> 01:24:37,198
I know. But... Look, if you
give me another chance...
1840
01:24:37,365 --> 01:24:41,869
...I promise you I will go back to the
medical board, I'll get my job back.
1841
01:24:42,036 --> 01:24:43,705
I'll even quit weed if I have to.
1842
01:24:43,871 --> 01:24:45,123
You'd quit weed?
1843
01:24:45,290 --> 01:24:47,875
Of course. I would do anything for you.
1844
01:24:48,042 --> 01:24:50,837
When I saw what Harold did
for his family tonight...
1845
01:24:51,004 --> 01:24:53,298
...it made me realize how
important you are to me.
1846
01:24:53,506 --> 01:24:56,009
I wish I would've realized that sooner.
1847
01:24:56,342 --> 01:24:57,802
You don't have to do this.
1848
01:24:58,803 --> 01:25:00,513
I know I don't have to.
1849
01:25:01,347 --> 01:25:02,682
I want to.
1850
01:25:08,521 --> 01:25:09,522
Do me a favor.
1851
01:25:09,689 --> 01:25:10,815
Yeah, anything.
1852
01:25:13,318 --> 01:25:14,652
Don't quit weed.
1853
01:25:14,819 --> 01:25:16,070
What?
1854
01:25:16,279 --> 01:25:19,073
Just remember, next time
you take a drug test...
1855
01:25:19,282 --> 01:25:20,408
...use my pee.
1856
01:25:21,409 --> 01:25:22,535
I love you.
1857
01:25:23,036 --> 01:25:24,329
I love you too.
1858
01:25:29,042 --> 01:25:31,419
Let's have some sex before
you get all fat on me.
1859
01:25:46,559 --> 01:25:48,353
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
1860
01:25:48,561 --> 01:25:50,438
Harold! Wake up! Baby.
1861
01:25:51,939 --> 01:25:54,108
- It's pink.
- Oh, my God.
1862
01:25:54,317 --> 01:25:56,444
- It's pink.
- It's a miracle.
1863
01:25:57,195 --> 01:25:58,237
It's a miracle.
1864
01:25:59,614 --> 01:26:00,698
It's a miracle!
1865
01:26:00,865 --> 01:26:02,116
It's a miracle!
1866
01:26:02,575 --> 01:26:05,203
Isn't this the most beautiful
tree you've ever seen?
1867
01:26:05,703 --> 01:26:07,747
I came downstairs this morning...
1868
01:26:07,914 --> 01:26:09,374
...and here she was.
1869
01:26:13,711 --> 01:26:14,879
God bless us, everyone!
1870
01:27:45,011 --> 01:27:48,431
Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas!
132884
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