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[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Sarah Millican.

[cheering]

Aw. Thank you. [chuckles]

Thanks.

Aw. How lovely.

Thank you very much.
What a lovely warm welcome.
How are you? Are you well?

[audience] Yeah!

Excellent. Thanks
for coming to my show.

This is quite
a long tour for me.

And I'm a little bit nervous,
'cause I have a habit of
buying trinkets wherever I go,

sort of mementos.

I'm nervous that by the end
of the tour, I might need
a fuckin' extension.

[laughing]On the last tour,
we were in Edinburgh,

and I bought a cup,
a really nice little cup.

And the cup, it said,
"I'd rather be in Edinburgh."

Quite smug, but I liked it.

It was perfect
for drinking out of
when I was in actual Edinburgh.

But when you take that home
and you sit beside your husband
and drink out of it,

that's a very different
message, isn't it?

It's quite
passive-aggressive now.

Now it's, "Oh, I'd
rather be in Edinburgh."

And it made me wonder
if that's the slowest way you
could break up with somebody.

Just buy all of the cups from
all of the different places,

and then, the last one,
if he still hasn't taken
the hint,

just write on it, in a Sharpie,
"Anywhere you're fuckin' not."

I'm glad you're here
and you're well. I'm also well.

I had a migraine
a few weeks ago.

I don't get them often,
but I do get them
every now and again.

And I thought
I'll ask people on Twitter

how they get rid
of their migraines.

-Give a cheer
if you are on Twitter.
-[cheering]

Quite a few. I got
the usual expected responses.

My favorite one came up,
and it said,
"Two Nurofen and a wank."

[laughing]

And it totally worked.[laughing]

If anything, it just pushed
the throbbing down a bit.

Thanks @bootsthechemist.

We do a lot of driving
in this job.

Something I've noticed
increasingly more often--

and maybe the drivers
can vouch for this--

every now and again,
by the side of the road,
I'll see a bottle of wee.

Have you seen this?

What I'm assuming
has happened is a man--

I'm assuming it's a man--
has been caught short,

and instead of using
one of the many facilities
en route,

has chosen to relieve himself
into an empty bottle of Coke,

empty bottle of water
that's he had in the car

and then just casually
fling it out of the window.

I say I assume it's a man.
I know it's a man,
'cause women can't do it.

And I know women can't do it
'cause I've tried.

[laughing]

Twin jets.

[laughing]

Just goes
all over your hand.[laughing]

If you want half of it to go
up your fuckin' cardi sleeve,
go for your life.

[laughing]

But even if I could do it,
I don't think I'd litter it.

I think I'd save it
for the next garage,

and I'd pour it down the toilet
like a civilized person.

But knowing my luck,
I'd get caught
by the fella on the till.

He'd be like, "Where you goin'
with that bottle of Lucozade?"

I'd end up
having to pay for it.

And then just to throw him
completely off the scent,

I'd have a playful swig
on the way back to the car.

[chuckles]

"And how did you open
that Mars bar so quickly?"

Oh, that's a lovely,
like, "No."

I moved to the countryside
a couple of years ago.

I think it's a countryside.
I don't know for sure.

The reason I think
it's a countryside
is that every now and again,

outside smells of shit.

[laughing]

That's how you know,
isn't it?

It's quite a well-to-do area
we've moved to,

in which we do not belong
in the slightest.

It's well-to-do,
'cause I said to me husband,
"It's chilly in here."

And he said,
"Shall we turn the floor up?"
That's not right, is it?

And about
ten minutes later, I said,
"Look. The cats are dancin'."

He said,
"Oh, bugger. Turn it down."

But presumably,
you all know that if I was
in Downton Abbey,

you all know
I'd be downstairs, yes?

Yes. Good. No, I'm glad.

It made it all the more weird
when a man buzzed the buzzer,

and I answered, "Hello,"
and he said, "Are you
the lady of the house?"

And I thought, "I don't know."

And I said to him,
"I'm a lady in a house,
if that helps you, flower."

Then he spent
the next ten minutes

trying to sell me stuff
off the back of his van.

It took me two of those minutes
to realize that a nursery
could also sell plants.

I was thinking,
"Where the fuck
have I moved to

where they're going
door-to-door selling bairns
off the back of a van?"

I'm not very decadent.
I'm not flashy at all.

Having said that, I do regularly
have three jars of jam
all on the go at the same time.

There's no need
for that, is there?

They're all strawberry.
Makes no fucking sense at all.

But I'm just the same as you.

The first thing
I do in the morning
is exactly what you do.

First thing I do in the morning,
I set the staff to work.

No, that's what I call it
when I put the washing machine,

the tumble dryer
and the dishwasher
all on at the same time.

And I think,
"Well, they're all working.
I'm gonna have a biscuit."

There's a few
looking at me like,
"Have you got staff?"

No, I've just explained.
And don't worry.
They're all white.

It's not just the two of us.
We've got two cats and a dog.

I would say
that the cats are adorable,
but I would be lying.

One of the cats, Ripley,
a little girl cat,

hasn't got a bad bone
in her body;
she's incredibly sweet.

Brody, boy cat, 70% adorable,
30% bit of a twat really.

We took them--
and you can't judge me on this,
even though you're going to.

We took them to see
a cat behaviorist.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

[laughing]

But the best thing
about going to see
a cat behaviorist

is that for £30
I could talk to a lady
about my cats for an hour

and she couldn't leave.

But as soon
as we finished with her,
we needed to go and see the vet,

'cause Brody,
the one that's a twat,
needed an injection.

I knew the vet was going
to put him on the scale

and say that he's
a bit overweight.

He is a bit overweight.
We're all a bit overweight
in our house.

But if we stand in a line,
you can't tell.
That's how perspective works.

But what we thought
would happen happened.

The vet put him on this scale
and said he was overweight.

The words had barely
escaped the vet's mouth
when Brody just bit him.

I thought, "Good on ya, son.
You bite the fuckin' hand
that doesn't feed ya."

But the cats do sometimes
chase each other around.
It can look a little aggressive.

So every now and again
we try and distract them,
sort of break that up.

We use a laser pen.
You will have seen these.

The cats will be chasing
each other round,

then one or both of them
will become transfixed
by a little red dot

that has appeared on the ceiling
or the walls or the floor.

And it's so effective
that we've started using it
in our own relationship.

So I'll be saying
something like,

"All I want you to do
when you're finished
with your wet towels

is put them in the fucking--
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh."

[laughing]

But we have become very cavalier
about noises in the house.

-Give us a "whoo"
if you are a cat owner.
-[audience] Whoo!

Every single time
we hear a noise in the house,
we just dismiss it as the cats.

"Ah, that'll be the cats."
Could be fuckin' anything.

You know those people who think
they've got a poltergeist?

What if they've just forgotten
they've got a cat?

And Derek Acorah
comes round the next day
with his camera crew and says,

"Tell me all about
your poltergeist."

And you go, "First of all,
it pushed that lamp
off that shelf.

Then it did a poo
in that little tray."

But whenever you introduce
a new cat into a household
that already has a cat,

there's always a bit of aggro
while they work out
the hierarchy,

then it settles down.

The day I knew our two
were gonna be okay
with each other

was the day that I walked
into our bedroom

and they were lying
on the bed like that.

They weren't quite spooning,
but it was good enough for me.

And I climbed on behind them.
Big Mama Spoon's getting on.

[laughing]

I'll be the ladle.
I don't know what that means.

And for about two minutes,
it was utter perfection.

And then Brody
leaned over to Ripley, just
started licking her arsehole.

I don't think Mama Spoon's
supposed to be here
for this bit.

But she was brilliant.
She was lying
with her legs shut like that.

As soon as he started
lickin' her arsehole,
she went, "Ah, that's lovely."

But a friend of mine
who's also a cat owner
offered some advice.

She said there was a way
you can bond with your cat.

I thought
that's worth a try with Brody,
'cause we don't always get on.

Some cat owners might
already be aware of this.

To bond with your cat, you wait
till your cat's all settled,

you know, when they've got
all their legs underneath them,

and they look a bit
like a chicken, like that.

And you catch their eye
and you do a slow blink
at them.

And if they do a slow blink
back at you, then you've bonded.

You've connected.
I thought it's worth a try.

I waited until Brody
was all settled,

had all his legs underneath him,
looked like a chicken.

Tried to catch his eye,
which was tricky, 'cause
he doesn't really like me.

So he just kept looking away.

Eventually caught his eye,
and I did a slow blink at him.

And when I opened me eyes,
he'd gone.

[laughing]

It's not just the cats.
We've got a dog now as well,
slightly over a year ago.

He's a rescue dog,
and he is genuinely the light
of my life. He really is.

He was in kennels for a year
while his owner was ill,

then sadly
his owner passed away,

and he was moved
across to the Dogs Trust,
where we got him from.

And I realized only recently
that every now and again
I'll say a sentence to him

that I've definitely
said before,
just not to a dog.

The first one I noticed,
I was stroking him,
and he was clearly enjoying it,

and I said, "Ah,
you like that, don't you?"

[laughing]

And the most recent one
was when I said to him,

"Okay, okay, you can lick
me fingers when I've finished."[laughing]

But the first time
we went to the Dogs Trust,
he hadn't arrived yet.

We didn't even know
he existed at this point.
We just went for a visit.

And the branch we chose
happened to be quite new,

one that was
quite posh and shiny inside.

There was
sort of glass enclosure
after glass enclosure,

all the way along,
and it felt really
familiar to me.

But I'd never been
in any dogs home,
let alone that specific one,

so it was odd
that it felt so familiar.

Even when I got home,
I was still niggling.

And then I realized,
I twigged.

It's because I've been
to Amsterdam. Huh.[laughing]

So the first one
was a dog on its own.

Then the second one
was two dogs together,
probably a bit more expensive.

And then a dog
playing with "some toys."

And then a dog sucking a cock.

I mean, it was his own,
but I think it still counts.
Yes? Yes.

But I like to sing to the dog.
I sing to the dog quite a lot.

I went through
a weird period of my life.
I didn't really sing very much.

My ex-husband
didn't like my singing,

and he used to say,
"That sounds awful.
Please stop."

So I just gradually
didn't sing.

And I realize this sounds
like one of those sob stories

they do on The Voice
or X Factor,doesn't it?

"Oh, and all
of me nanas are dead."
One of those.

I mean, all me nanas
aredead, but I'm 41.
That's sort of how it works.

Unless you've got
a family of slags.

[laughing]Oh.

Some of you have.

Sorry about that.

Forgot where I was
for a second.

And, uh-- Ooh.

But about a year
after that relationship ended,

I caught myself
singing in the shower,

and I thought, "That's back,
that's nice, that's good."

Certain songs
I can't sing to him.

He finds them very confusing.
I'll give you an example.

A lot of you are my sort of age,
maybe a little bit older.

So you might know the song
by Showaddywaddy.

-"Under the Moon of Love"?
-[cheering]

Okay. This is a song
that I used to sing to him.

But there's a point
that he gets very confused.
I'll show you what I mean.

So this is him walking.

So I go,
♪ Let's go for a little walk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

♪ Let's sit--♪ Huh?

He's been so well trained
by his previous owner.

Every time
I said the word "sit,"

he would stop dead
and look at me like,
"What now?"

Other songs I can't sing.
Quite a few of them.

"Walk This Way."
"Walk Like an Egyptian."

"These Boots
are Made for Walking."
"Parklife." That fucks him up.

"Stay Another Day" by East 17,
'cause he will not fuckin' move.

And Michael Jackson's
"Heal the World."

Mostly 'cause he just
finds it really touching.

We got some dog books.
Never had a dog before.

So we thought we should
learn how to look after dogs.

But the dog books
don't teach you everything.
They just tell you the basics.

You have to learn
a lot on your own.

Some of the things
we learnt include,

I knew that when he did a poo,
I had to pick it up and bag it.

I've just realized I mean that
the other way round.

[laughing]

[applause]

[gags]

I meant bag it and pick it up.
Clearly, that's what I meant.

I've seen people
do that in the park.
I know how the world works.

I also knew when I picked it up,
it would smell.

It's a shit.
I'm not a fucking idiot.

But what I was not
prepared for was the heat.

[laughing]

It was quite
a mixed emotion for me,

'cause half of me
is dry retching
at the warmth in my hand,

and the other half
was reminded what it's like

when you get a pasty
that's just right from Greggs.

[laughing]

Second thing I didn't learn--
If you're on your dog walk
and you've got a full poo bag,

'cause you haven't found
a bin yet,

keep the full poo bag
in the same hand
as the dog lead.

It's very important to have
a spare hand at all times.
I learnt this the hard way.

Walking along with a full
poo-bag in one hand,
a dog lead in the other,

and then me glasses started
to slide down me nose.

[laughing]

Nobody needs a turd to clonk
off their cheek, do they?

[laughing]

And the third thing
I didn't learn--

I knew one
of his jobs, his tasks,

was to keep his bits
and bobs nice and clean.

You know, let's call it
"his gentleman's area."

I knew
that was one of his jobs--
keep them nice and clean.

I did not know
how regularly he would do it--[laughing]

how thoroughly
he would do it,

or how fucking loudly
he would do it.

[laughing]

Until I got a dog,
I had no idea
what it sounds like

when a cock's
being sucked over there.

[laughing]

He had a few accidents
when we first got him.

We think he'd forgotten
some of his house-training.

It's entirely expected,
being in kennels for so long.

We had a few wees
and poos in the house.

We just cleaned them up
as we were retraining him.

One day I had
a horrible thought,
and I said to me husband,

"What do we do
if he has diarrhea
in the house?"

And my husband had
a little think and he said,

"Sort of depends
which room it is,

'cause maybe we could
just shut a door."

[laughing]

I love the idea of people
coming round, "I thought
you had a spare room."

"No, we've never had
a spare room.

That's just a big cupboard
full of fuckin' shite."

But the dog's tail,
when we got him,
was entirely bald.

It looked like a rat's tail,
and we didn't know why.

Is it 'cause he's
a crossbreed and that's
what they're like?

It can be stressful
for dogs to be in kennels
for that length of time.

But six or seven months later,
it became apparent
what it had been,

because by then
it had fully grown in.

It looks like an excellent
feather duster now.

We made fur with love.
Isn't that nice?

I'm going to stop
worrying so much
about me 'tache now.

[laughing]

Clearly I'm just loved.

My toes are
really fuckin' loved.

One of my friends said to me,
"You know you talk
about having hairy toes?"

I said, "Yeah." She said,
"You just mean the two
big ones, don't you?"

I said, "Okay."
[forced laughter]

[laughing]

No. No.

[laughing]

No. It goes
all the way along.

Sometimes the little toe
has more hair
than fuckin' nail.

[laughing]

You are welcome
for that visual image
I've just given you all.

Take that home,
pop that in your wank banks
for laters.

[laughing]

We took the dog
to the vet early on.

The vet said,
"He's a bit underweight."

I had the vet say that word
a couple more times,
'cause I'd not heard it before.

[laughing]

The vet said,
"You can fatten him up."
I thought, good.

'Cause we're smashin'
at that at our house.

And then I thought,
when we stand in line,
then he'll blend in.

We clearly do that a lot,
like the fuckin' Von Trapps.[laughing]

The vet said, "Don't worry
if he's even overweight."
I said, "Is that okay?"

He said, "Yeah,
because if he's ever ill,

he's got a little bit of weight
he can afford to lose."

And the vet referred to it
as "padding against illness."

I said, "How come no doctor's
ever suggested this to me?"

I reckon I could have six weeks
of sickness and diarrhea

and still not be able to get
in anything in Topshop.

[laughing]

The dog didn't know
how to play when we got him.
It was very sad to see.

We'd throw a ball.
He didn't understand.

We got all sorts of toys.
He didn't get any of it.
It was sad.

Then one day my husband
was getting ready for bed,

and as he pulled off
one of his socks,

the dog jumped up
and grabbed it,
and they had a little game.

It was so nice
to see the dog play.

On further investigation,
we've discovered that the dog
doesn't like clean socks.

Only likes the ones my husband
refers to as "meaty."

[laughing]

Also he doesn't like my socks,
which I suppose is a compliment,

'cause it means
they're not very meaty,

but I was still
quite hurt by that.

But I'm nothing
if not competitive in love,

and I thought,
"What could I throw at him
that'd be worse than socks?"

[laughing]

I love how quick you are.

[laughing]

And I did exactly
what you think I did.

[laughing]

I throw my pants at him,
and he fucking loves it.

He runs around
with them on his head
like he's scored a goal.

[laughing]I've always been
a big animal lover.

This is the first time
I've had a garden as an adult.

I was quite a grubby child.
I used to pick up worms
and plant seeds.

When we first moved in,
we decided we were going
to try and encourage

as much wildlife
into the garden as possible.

We did a number of things.
The first thing we did
we got a bird table.

We put various things
on the bird table.

We put fat balls on it.
Fat balls.

I just really like saying it.
Fat balls.

Say it after three.
One, two, three.

[all] Fat balls!

Sounds a bit
like an old nickname
of an ex-boyfriend, doesn't it?

"Never guess who I saw
down Asda's on Tuesday.
Fuckin' Fat Balls."

[laughing]

We put fat balls on it.
We also put nut bags on it,
which was his other nickname.

[laughing]

Within a couple of days,
we had all sorts of birds
on there.

Robins, which surprised me.

I genuinely had no idea
that robins were
a year-round bird.

I thought they rocked up
late October,

did a couple of photo shoots
for the Christmas cards
and then just fucked off.

Got the bird table,
got a pond put in

to encourage some insects
and maybe some frogs
and things like that.

The first wildlife we found
in the pond is not what
we'd hoped for or expected.

It was just
a rabbit facedown,
floating, dead.

[laughing]

I was as upset as you are.
I was absolutely distraught.

I said to my husband,
"Did we cause this?"
He said, "How could we?"

I said,
"Well, was the rabbit
running along going,

'‘There's normally grass here.
There's normally grass here.

Ah, shit.'"

And my husband,
quick as a flash, went,

"No, no, rabbits are
really good swimmers."

I said, "That's not a fact.
I've not heard that before.
That's not a fact."

I said,
"Are you telling me this,

the same way me dad told me mam
that mice can't climb stairs?"

[laughing]

'Cause they fuckin' can.

[laughing]But I was so upset.

In order to cheer me up,
we had a couple of games
of swing ball.

If you're too young
to know what swing ball is,

it was a very early
computer game.

[laughing]

It worked. It cheered me up.

If that's what I have to do
when I see a dead rabbit,
I hope I never see a dead body.

I'll have to hire
a bouncy castle.

So we got the pond,
the bird table.

We started to buy carrots
for the wild rabbits,

'cause we just felt bad
that we'd killed
one of their family.

The last thing we did,
we got hedgehog food.

You have to buy specific
hedgehog food these days.

Back in the '80s,
you could just give them
bread and milk,

but now they're all
"gluten intolerant"
or something.

[laughing]

So we put
these kinds of food
out into the garden,

and within three months
the garden was teeming
with active life.

It was absolutely glorious.

But I still wasn't happy.
The grubby child in me
was not satisfied.

So I got all of those
different kinds of foods,

and I put them
all at the front door

to try and encourage animals
to come closer to the house.

And it worked,
because now whenever I'm at home
and I sing,

birds sit on my hands.

[laughing]

I don't have to do
the dishes anymore,
'cause the rabbits do those.

[laughing]They pass them
across to the squirrels

who dry them
with their big fluffy tails.

One time an old lady
came to the front door,

and she offered me an apple,
and I told her to fuck off.

I like to think
two or three people in this room
who've never seen Snow White

are like, "What the fuck
is happening right now?"

[laughing]

I've got a question for you.
Only join in if you want to.

We'll have fun. I'm not
here to be mean to anybody.
We'll have a laugh.

I'll ask you the question,
then I'll buy you
a bit of thinking time.

That's probably a good idea.
The question is this.

I would like you to tell me
what's the best thing
you've ever seen in nature.

To buy you
a bit of thinking time,

I'll tell you the three things
that freak me out about living
in the countryside.

The first thing
that freaks me out
about living in the countryside.

You know pheasants.
You know pheasants? Yeah.

I don't know if you know,
but there's two makes of them.

There's the one we all know.

Then there's another one
that's upright and
running around and alive.

[laughing]

Second thing that freaks me out
about living in the countryside:

I can't always tell
if it's an owl hooting
or my husband's asthma.

[laughing]

I woke him up one night 'cause
I thought I could hear an owl,
and it stopped.

[hooting]

Either that
or a very distant ambulance.

[laughing]

And a third thing
that freaks me out about living
in the countryside

is that I sometimes forget
that the television is reflected
in the conservatory,

and I think Eamonn Holmes
is in the garden.

[laughing]

I mean, he's a lovely man,
but he was not fuckin' invited.

Probably the easiest way
to chat to you guys

is to break you up
into upstairs and downstairs,
as you already are.

Anybody in the upstairs section,
give us a "whoo" if you've seen
something good in nature.

Whoo!

Oh, quite a few. Okay.
One over here. There's
a group of you over here.

Any of you guys
who whoo'd over here,
shout out what you saw.

[man] A whale.

[audience laughing]

You saw a whale?
Do you know what kind of whale?

A minke.

A minke whale?

[laughing]

Uh, is that a thing?
Yes? Okay. Thanks.

Lady there
very confidently went,
"Yes, you fucking idiot. Yes."

[laughing]

I know
some ladies call their--
that their minke, so...

[laughing]

I genuinely didn't know
if that was a heckle or not.[laughing]

"You minke whale."[laughing]

I thought it was
just posh for "fat cunt."
I really did.

Where did you see
the minke whale?

If she says, "On the stage,"
I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Where did you see it, my love?

In the English Channel.

In the English Channel.

Is it not a very big whale?

Like--Three meters long.

Meters?Yeah.

Forty-one. Can you do it
in foot, love?

How many feet?
Does anybody know how much
three meters is in feet?

[man] Ten.Ten. Thank you.
Look at that.

There's no prizes,
but if there was,
you'd get one.

Ten. That's still
quite big then.

Were you on a boat?
In the water?
What was the situation?

On a boat.On a boat. So it wasn't
too scary. Good.

Thank you for your...
minke whale.

[laughing]

Give us another "whoo" upstairs
if you've got an answer.

[man] Whoo!Yep. One over here.
Give us a wave.

Oh, there you are.
What did you see?

Once, on safari
in South Africa,

we saw a family of elephants
surround our safari vehicle.

Wow. Okay, first of all,
I love that you told a story.

[laughing]No, no, no.

Because sometimes
people will shout out
the whole story in one.

One guy just shouted out,
"Three dogs fuckin' in a row."

[laughing]What?

And then other people go,
"It was a lovely day.

I was wearing
my favorite blouse."

You're like,
"Come on. Move it along."

So you were on safari.
Where did you say
you were on safari?

South Africa.In South Africa?

A family of elephants
surrounded your safari vehicle?Yeah.

In a menacing way?
Or in like a "hi" kind of way?
Were you scared?

-It was... very thrilling.
-"Thrilling."

Was it so thrilling
you shat your pants?

[laughs] I think
I would've shat my pants,
but I've got IBS.

I might be doing it now.
Who knows?

[laughing]

Thank you very much.
Great story, flower.
Thank you.

Let's do downstairs.
Give us a "whoo" if you've
seen something good in nature.

Whoo!In the back, someone waving
their hand. What did you see?

[man] A Bengal eagle owl.A Bengal eagle owl.

[softly] That's two
different things, isn't it?

[laughing]

Was it an eagle,
or was it an owl?

[laughing]

Make your mind up, flower.

That's presumably a kind of owl,
as opposed to a kind of eagle.

So it's
an eagle-flavored owl.

[laughing]

Where did you
see that, love?

It was
in a bird sanctuary.

-It was in a bird sanctuary?
Is that nature?
-[laughing]

If they're technically
in prison, is that nature?

[laughing]

How big is it?
Show us with your hands.

About that?
That's a decent size.

Were you
in the enclosure with it

or just watching through
the prison bars?

Was it exciting
to see?I was holding it.

You were holdin' it?
With, like, one of them
oven gloves on?

One of them? They do that.

I'm gonna google that.
I'd like to see
what that looks like.

It sounds magnificent.
Thanks very much, love.
Anybody else downstairs?

-What about over here?
Anybody over here?
-Whoo!

Right at the front.
What did you see, love?

[man] A baby dolphin.Baby dolphin.

-Aw. Where were you when
you saw the baby dolphin?
-In Jamaica on our honeymoon.

Oh, on your honeymoon.
In Jamaica. How lovely.

And was the baby dolphin
with other dolphins?

Yeah, they--
I was diving.You were diving?

Yeah, we were diving,
and it appeared
purely by chance.

They were taking it
out to sea for the first time,
the family.

Somebody over here
is laughing, because--

because he was
on his honeymoon
and he was "diving."

-That's what you're
laughing at, isn't it?
-[laughing]

All of the rest of you
were being really respectful
and listening,

and she's, like,
"Argh, fannies. Argh."

To be fair,
it's what you've come
to expect from me onstage.

Fair enough. I get it.

So the baby one
was being taken back out--

Out to sea, yeah.Out to sea?

Like, not just--
Like, with its family though?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Not just,
"Ah, fuck off. Move out.

You're a fuckin' drain.
You don't pay any board. No."

And how big is a baby dolphin?
I don't know.

I don't know.
I suppose about that big.About that?

Are they as smiley
as they look on the television?
I've never seen a dolphin.

I was too busy shittin' myself.You were too busy
shittin' yourself.

But isn't that good
for the wet suit?

Oh, no, that's wee, isn't it?

They don't tell you
to shit yourself
in a wet suit, do they?

"If you can get some,
like, diarrhea going, uh--"

[laughing]"It really keeps you
lovely and warm.

Just don't let it come out
the cuffs or the neck."

Anybody else downstairs?Whoo!

Lady with a nice--
with a lovely lipstick on.
Hello.

Oh, look.
She went like this, "Oh, me."
What did you see, my love?

A seagull nickin'
my best mate's Nando's.

A seagull nickin'
your best mate's Nando's.

And we come right crashing
back down to Brighton, don't we?[laughing]

[applause]

I liked that. Thank you.

There was a lady recently
said that she had a bird table,

and it was constantly being--

The squirrel family
were constantly eating
everything off the bird table

and chasing the birds away,
which was upsetting her.

So what she did,
in her brilliance,

she buttered the bird table.

[laughing]

For the rest of the week,

she just watched
some squirrels pole dance.[laughing]

We had one man who'd seen
a baby owl in the road,

and he pulled over
and he decided
it was poorly, not dead,

and decided he was
gonna take it home

and take it somewhere
to look after it.

So he balanced it
on his lap for warmth
while he was driving.

It started to come round,
so he put it, smartly,

moved it across
to the passenger seat.

And then it fully came round,

and he realized
in that split second
that he had a live owl

in an enclosed space.

[laughing]

And it continued
to lacerate
his face and arms

to the point where he had
to open the window and just
throw the fuckin' thing out.

[laughing]

But I asked
this question in Canada.

I was working in Canada
and I did a show there,

and I'd sort
of casually forgotten

they'd have an entirely
different set of wildlife.

One lady, a really
posh lady, she said,

"Uh, kayaking
with a pod of orca."

I said, "There are six words
in that sentence,

and I don't know
what three of them are."

[laughing]

One lady said
that her dog was barking.

She went downstairs to see
what her dog was barking at,

and in her kitchen was
a fully grown grizzly bear.

[laughing]I know. It had just
let itself in her back door.

Not like that.
That sounded bad. Not like that.[laughing]

Like that.
Not like, "Whoo."

Don't know what the mime is.

One of my favorite ones,
we were in Leeds
a few months ago

and I said,
"What's the best thing
you've seen in nature?"

And a lady shouted out,
"A Dalmatian."

And I thought, bless her.
She's not really
understood the question.

And then she said,
"Humping a pony."

I was like, "There you go.
There's your story."[laughing]

I said, "Where did you
see that?" She said,
"Blackpool Pleasure Beach."

[laughing]

I said, "Did you watch it
for very long?"

-She said, "No, not long.
I was on a roller coaster."
-[laughing]

"Aaah! What the fuck's
happening down there?"

Ahhh.

One of the main
differences I noticed
when I moved to the countryside,

having lived in
the city center for so long,

is that power cuts
last a lot longer.

So the first power cut
we had in the countryside
lasted 26 hours.

I'd never experienced
anything like that before.

And we realized by 6:00 p.m.
the power wasn't gonna
come back on,

so we just prepared
for a night without it.

Now, luckily, my husband
is quite a Bear Grylls.

[man] Whoo, whoo!I know.

So he went foragin'
for curry.

But before he left he said,
"Don't waste the battery power
on the torches."

I said, "Okay." He said,
"Just light a few candles."

Now, I'm not
a very girlie girl,

so candles are never something
I would especially buy
for myself,

but, luckily,
I've got loads of friends
who don't know me at all.

I've got shitloads
of scented candles.

I lit a few, and by the time
my husband came back in,

I was relaxed, horny
and excited for Christmas.

Something else I acquired
that I would never buy
for myself is sticks in a jar.

Have you seen this?
Sticks in a jar?

Does anybody know
what the proper name is?

[man shouts]

Reed diffuser. A few of you
shouted out. Thank you.

It's just a jar
that has perfume in it,

and the reeds
carry the perfume up,
made the room smell nice.

I didn't know this
when this was given to me
as a present.

It reminded me a lot
of the incense sticks

that my friend had had
when I visited her
at university,

so I nearly lit
the fucking thing.

[laughing]

I almost accidentally created
a Jo Malone Molotov cocktail.

There's a few girlie things
I can't really partake in.

I can't, for example,
have anything in the bath
that isn't me or the water.

I can't have bath bombs,
bath oil, bubble bath,
bath salts.

Can't have those things.

If I have any of those things,
it makes down there... raw.

[laughing]

And I mean both spellings.
Like R-A-W,

sort of red and angry
and shiny,

and also just "Narrh!"

"Marrh!"

I'm pretty sure that's what
the Katy Perry song is about.

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh♪

[laughing]

It's like that old pub joke.
You know that old pub joke?
You'll know this.

Two monkeys in the bath.
One goes, "Ooh-ooh-ooh."

The other one goes,
"Sorry. I forgot you had
a really sensitive vagina."

Do you know that one?[laughing]

But that sentence--
If you say, "I've got
a really sensitive vagina,"

I meant that in
a practical way just then.

But you could also say that
at kind of sexy time.

You've gotta
be careful of sentences
that on paper look the same.

Here's another one.
You've gotta be careful.

I'm not wearing any knickers.

I've got a touch
of thrush and I'm trying
to get a bit of air round.

[laughing]

But I've got a friend
in her 60s,

and she said,
"I used to be like you
with the bath bombs."

"Used to be? What's changed?"
"When you get to my age,

you can have whatever
you like in the bath,

'cause it's all dead
down there."[laughing]

That is a small upside
to a big downside, isn't it?

"I have no feeling whatsoever
in my vagina,

but finally I get
to go to Lush."

[laughing]

A long time ago, I was reading
one of those books.

Those books that are
ostensibly a romance

but have a couple of pages
of filth-- they're smashing.

I was reading, and in one
of the pages of filth,

the lady of the book poured
some champagne on herself.

And the man of the book
drank the champagne off her.

Me and my boyfriend at the time
said we were going
to have a go at this.

We couldn't afford champagne,
so we bought some Lambrusco.

[laughing]

I had forgotten
that the lady in the book
was lying flat.

I was sitting upright.
I just poured it on.
It ran straight in.

Smarted like
a motherfucker.

[laughing]

I told that story
to a friend of mine recently,

and she said,
"Is that why you don't drink?"

[laughing]

No. Not once
when somebody's asked me
why don't I drink,

have I answered,
"Because it hurts me fanny."

[laughing]

"Aye, you're
doing it wrong then."[laughing]

"You don't have to take
the cork out like that."

[laughing]

It was a screw cap.
Imagine the skills
I'd need for a screw cap.

But I had to talk to one
of my neighbors recently.

Wasn't planning on doing that
for sort of... ever, really.

-Give us a cheer if you talk
to your neighbors.
-[cheering]

Give us a cheer
if you don't.[cheering]

I had to talk to my neighbor
because we share a septic tank.

If you don't know
what a septic tank is,

the fact that my neighbor
refers to it
as "a sewerage tank"

should give you
a good indication
of what's in it.

I've never seen the septic tank.
It's on her side of the fence.

I imagine they're in the ground.
Is that right?
Does anybody know?

Yes!I didn't know that.

In my mind, I'd pictured it
a skip on her drive
with a lid on.

[laughing]

So when she came round
to tell me it was
"nearly full"--

[mimics gagging]

Because my neighbor
is quite little,

I pictured her
lifting the lid
on her tippy toes.

"Aw, her IBS is
playing up again, Gerald."

[laughing]

"Push that one back in.
It's bobbing out."

[laughing]

I do have IBS.
Irritable bowel syndrome.

I also have PCOS.
Polycystic ovarian syndrome.

I put those collection of
letters at the end of my name,
pretend I went to university.

[laughing]

So people think
that I'm educated

rather than regularly
shitting my barren self.

[laughing]

One of my friends said to me,
"I can't always tell if you're
about to tell me a secret

or you're
sneaking out a fart."

[laughing]

I said,
"I've got no secrets."

[laughing]

"It's all farts."

What you do find, though,
if you have IBS and you're
having a bad bout of IBS,

your farts are so horrific
that if you do one in a room
where there are other people,

you don't get
the traditional response of
people muttering to each other.

"Has somebody just..."
"Can you smell..."
"Has somebody just..."

That's not what happens.

What happens is somebody
puts their hand on your arm

and says,
"Are you all right?"

I went for a walk
a couple of months ago
with a friend of mine.

Lovely walk we were having,
but I had really
bad guts that day.

Really bad. And I did a fart,
and I knew it was a bad one,
'cause it was hot.

[laughing]

And I thought
I'd got away with it,

but then my friend
sort of looked up
and sniffed at the same time.

[laughing]

Like a quizzical Bisto kid.[laughing]

And then she looked
at me and she went,
"Are we near a zoo?"

-I had piles once, and, uh---
-[laughing]

I think most families have
an area of medical expertise,
you know?

So maybe you've all
got bad backs,

so you know
the tablets to take,
the exercises to do.

With my family
it's arseholes.

They're lovely people,
but, wow, they are good
with the bowel.

The day I realized
I had piles, I rang my dad,

'cause he's my arsehole
phone-a-friend.

[laughing]

I told him what was going on,
and he said, "Right."

And I thought,
this is what dads do.

That's what they say
before they fix things. "Right."

And he went,
"What you need-- baths as hot
as you can stand them,

Anusol cream
on the rest of the time."

I said thank you and hung up.
I rang him back
20 minutes later.

I said, "I'm having trouble."
He said, "What kind of trouble?"

I said, "I cannot
really see what I'm doing."
"I don't know what you mean."

I said,
"I'm not supple enough
to do it that way,

and I've got too much here
to be able to get access
through there."

And he went, "Right."
And I thought,
again, he's gonna fix it.

He said, "What you need
is one of those mirrors

that the police use for looking
for bombs under cars."

[applause]

The day that I realized
I had piles I was meeting
a friend for lunch.

I'm so rubbish
at keeping secrets
that she'd barely said hello,

and I just blurted it out,
"I've got piles."

Her response
is the best response
you can ever hope for

if that happens to you.

I went, "I've got piles,"
and she went, "So have I."

And we high-tenned
and went in the pub.[laughing]

I was shopping
with a friend of mine
a few months ago.

It was a bit chilly out,
so we decided to
get some takeaway teas

to carry around
with us as we went.

We went into this café.
We stood in a queue.

The man behind me
in the queue, I knew.

Not very well
but enough to say hello to.

And he offered
to buy my tea for me.

I was immediately
transported back to
my sort of 18-year-old self.

My mum had ingrained in me

to never accept a drink
off somebody you don't
know well, especially a man,

because he'll probably
want something in return.

So I immediately went back
with a very aggressive "no."

And then I thought,
"Maybe I'm being a bit unfair.

Maybe it's
a different situation."

Me 18 in a nightclub,
me 41 in a café
with me friend.

It's daylight. We're
getting teas, taking them away.
Maybe this is different.

But when he offered again,
"Let me buy your tea for you,"

all I could think of was,
"What's he gonna want
in return?"

And then I thought, it's £1.70.
Probably just a flick
of the end.

And he's a nice man.
He's quite sincere.

And he said to me,
"For all of the joy
that you bring people,

let me buy your tea for you."

[audience] Aw.

And I said, "Just a tea?
Just a fuckin' tea?

All the joy?
All the fuckin' joy?"

So I got a muffin as well.[laughing]

Flick, flick. Hmm.

I had to go to the doctor's.
I had a sore throat.

My doctor said, "I'm going to
send you to see an ear, nose
and throat specialist."

I said okay.
Off I go to see this fella.
Lovely fella he was.

He said to me, "Do you suffer
from acid reflux?" I said, "No."

Then when I got home, I thought,
"I should've said yes."

'Cause I realized
that my husband and I
eat so many Rennies

that we call them
"bathroom sweets."

He said to me,
"I'd like you to take Gaviscon
after every meal."

I said, "After every meal
or every time I've eaten?"

'Cause those two
are very different numbers.

He said, "Ideally, I'd like to
put a camera down your throat
to see what we're dealing with."

I said okay. I thought this is
where he sends me away,

I come back in six months with
a new appointment, and he went,
"No, we can do that now."

Oh, shit!

So he came out
with this contraption.

Metal like this
and like this.

It's very rigid.
None of it moves.

So I have to move
because it won't move.

And he puts it down my throat
and I instantly gagged. [gags]

And he pulled it out and said,

"Are you gonna be okay
with this?"
And I said, "Yes!"

And he put it back in.
[gags] Again.

I was mortified.
He said, "Do me a favor.

The next time you think
you're gonna gag, do this."

♪ Eeeeee♪

I said, "Why?"
He said, "It stops you gagging."

And I thought, "Noted."

[laughing]

My husband's gonna think
he's being sucked off
by a Geordie pensioner.

[laughing]

Who knows, someday he might be.

No, I mean that we'll be
pensioners, I don't mean,
like, for a present.

"Come on in, Doris.
He's ready for his gift now."

♪ Happy birthday to...♪

♪ Eeeeee♪

I've been trying to think of
different things I've done since
the last time I was on tour,

and one of those things
is that I got married, and--[whooping]

-Oh, thanks.
-[cheering, applause]

There's obviously
loads of things
I love about my husband.

One of the things
I love about my husband

is that one time,
when he went food shopping,

he came home
with 18 tins of custard.

Now, who doesn't love that?
But I did question the amount.

I said, "Why 18 tins?"

He said there was an offer on.
He fuckin' loves a bargain.

I said, "What was the offer?"
He said, "Buy one,
get one free."

I said, "Still, why nine tins?"

I only had one banana.

I didn't want to eat it
on its own, 'cause then
it's fruit, not pudding.

That's no good, is it?

But I chose to see it
a different way. I thought
maybe this is a longevity thing.

Maybe he thinks we're
gonna be together a long time--
18 tins of custard long.

Turns out 18 tins of custard
only lasts a fortnight.

[laughing]

Another thing I love about him
is that he is as good
with children as I am,

which is not at all.

We don't have many friends
who have kids, 'cause mostly
we try and shake them off.

I'm sure you've got kids,
and I'm sure they're smashin',

but I'm glad you've left them
at fuckin' home.

Presumably, so are you.

My husband has a friend--

They've been friends
since they were teenagers,

and this particular friend
has a little boy
who's that sort of age.

I'm gonna say five,
but it's very much a guess.

And this little boy
is always there every time
my husband visits his friend,

'cause he hasn't got a job
or anything yet.

Um...[laughing]

And the last time my husband
visited his friend,
the little boy said to him,

"Will you read my book, please?"

So polite. So polite.
My husband said, "Of course.
Of course I will."

So the little boy handed
his book to my husband,

and my husband read the book
in his head.

This is how shit we are
with kids!

Just silently
flicked through the pages.

Passed it back
to the little boy.

I said, "Do you think
that little boy was giving you
a recommendation?"

We were on a train, my husband
and I, quite recently,
sitting opposite each other.

Very busy train, very packed
with loads of people.

I needed to tell him something,
but I didn't want to say it
out loud with people around.

I thought I'd try
and say it with me face,
not use any words.

Get the message across
a different way.

We've only been married
for two years, but we've
been together for ten.

Give us a cheer if you're in
a long-term relationship.

Whoo!

So you'll know especially well

that you can often
get a message across
with just your face, can't you?

I thought that's what
I'm gonna do.

The thing I needed to tell him
was that I was feeling
a bit horny.

Hence not wanting
to say that out loud.

I'm gonna use me face.
I'm gonna do the face
that I did for him for you.

I haven't figured out
how to make it work
in as wide a room as this.

Upstairs and at the back,
you'll be fine, but on the edge,
you might struggle to see.

Apologies in advance, but for
the rest of you, this is
the face I did to my husband

on a busy train to let him know
that I was feeling a bit horny.

Arrr! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oo-ah, oo-ah, oo-ah, oo-ah!

Sorry if you didn't
see it there.
Sorry if you didn't see.

It's quite subtle.
She's doing this. "Duh?"

[applause]

My husband got it straightaway,
'cause we've got
a really deep connection.

[laughing]

I was gonna say
I've got bad self-esteem.
That's not true.

I've got bad body image.
Very different thing.

My self-esteem is fine,
'cause I think I'm good
at things.

I think I'm a good person,
a good friend, and I think
I'm pretty good at my job.

But also I've got skills.
I can peel a satsuma
while I'm driving a car.

I can draw
a passable budgie.

And I can do a horn noise
with my mouth like this.

[tooting noise]
Like that.

[laughing]

[tooting]

[applause]

Self-esteem is fine.

Body image is bad.
Always has been.

It's all of this
that I don't like
and never have.

To give you an idea of how bad
it is, I was asked to do
a photo shoot for a magazine.

A magazine
with a degree of kudos.

They had an impressive
photographer at the ready.

They had wardrobe, hair, makeup,
all that sort of stuff.

And they said to me,
"We can do anything you like."

And I turned it down because I
couldn't think of any way that
they could make me look nice.

[audience] Aw.I've been trying to work out
where this came from.

I don't think it came
from my parents or my childhood.

My parents
have always been incredibly
supportive and encouraging.

It's my dad that told me
I could draw a passable budgie
in the first place.

They've always been
very encouraging.

They always told me I was
funny and clever and pretty.
All of these things.

I remember being 18, and I was
going out on a Saturday night
with the girls--

all dressy dress--
and as I came down the stairs,

my dad popped his head
out of the living room door
and he said,

"Mind, if I was
30 years younger..."

Now, I know what he's doing,
but it's creepy, isn't it?

[laughing]

Also, I worked it out.
If he had been 30 years younger,
he'd have been 13.

That's not good either.

I think the main thing
that might've instigated

this feeling I've always had
about myself is something that
happened to me when I was 13.

It was the first time
I was allowed downtown, down at
the South Shields town center,

where I'm from, on my own.

I went straight from school.
I got off the bus
at the marketplace.

I'm still in my school uniform,
and the market had closed
for the day,

but all that was left
were the bare bones
of the market stalls,

the long wooden slats
and the big metal poles.

And a couple of fellas were
dismantling the market stalls
and loading them onto a wagon.

I walked around those fellas,
but not wide enough,
as it happened.

As I walked around them,
one of the fellas

swung one of the big metal poles
so close to my face
that I felt the air move.

And I stood in shock.
I'm 13 and in my school uniform.

And instead of
apologizing to me, he came
right up to my face and he said,

"It wouldn't have made
any difference."

[loud groaning]

I'd love to say
we've found him and we've
brought him here tonight--

[laughing]

and we're all gonna kill him
with poles.

Your weapons are under
your seat. You know,
like a fucked-up Oprah.

[laughing]

But sadly, that is not the case.
To be fair though,
he was mid-60s at the time.

So it's safe to assume
he's already dead. Hooray!

Hooray!

To give you an idea
of what I was like
at school.

I was very quiet at school.
I was very bookish.

I was good at school,
top class for everything.
I wasn't popular at school.

I didn't have many friends,
and at various points,
I didn't have any friends.

All I need to tell you is this:
at the age of 12,

I invited my maths teacher
to my birthday party.

[laughing]Wasn't even my birthday party.

It was my sister's birthday
party, and my mam said I could
bring a friend if I liked,

and she is who I chose.

And she came
and she was an absolute delight.

She made sure the cake
was all evenly divided.

At the age of 14,
we did this thing at school
called a career questionnaire.

They sat us in front
of the one computer that
our school had at the time.

The keyboard was the size
of a fucking tabletop.

Space bar. And--

Individually we were
to answer several questions
with yes or no answers,

and at the end,
the computer program

would spit out what it thought
you should do for a living.

So I sat there, answered several
questions, yes or no answers,

and at the end,
the job it thought I should do

was a long-distance
lorry driver.

[laughing]Now, I can't remember
what those questions were,

but I've had a think
and I've come up with three.

Do you like pasties?

[laughing]

Yes.

Do you like Yorkies?

Yes.

Would you be okay
with one brown arm?

[laughing]

[applause]

Yes.

A few years ago,
a girl from school
e-mailed me via my Web site.

I'd like to read that
to you now, if I may.

So, it starts, "Hi, Sarah.

Before you think who the hell
is this writing to me,
I used to be Lynn Turner.

I suppose in a way
I still am, but my name changed
when I got married,

not just my waistline.

I just had to write
and get in touch
after hearing you on Radio 5

and then spotting you on ITV.

You look great.
You've hardly changed.
How are you doing?

I've just been looking
at your Web site.
It all looks amazing.

I was watching the TV on
Saturday night with my husband
and two boys and you appeared.

Thanks, Sarah. You've
actually done my street cred
the world of good.

My boys, aged 11 and ten,

are very impressed that Mum went
to school with someone famous.

We were talking about it
all night.

Do you ever get back home
to South Shields?

I hardly ever get back there.
I moved down south
when I was 21.

I'd met my husband,
a southerner,

and we set up home in Romford.

He travels with his job,
so we've been lucky enough
to live all over the world.

We next moved to Denmark,
where I gave birth to Giles,

and then moved on to Rome,
where I gave birth to Harvey.

Family complete,
we moved to the Middle East.

We moved from there to Monaco"--

[laughing]

"We moved from there to Monaco,
then The Hague,

followed by a three-year stint
back up north in Jesmond

before eventually settling down
in leafy Hampshire.

We've lived here
for four years now, so life
is as settled as it gets.

I decided I had to do
something else with my life

and went back to work last year
as a teaching assistant.

I'd love it if you could
find the time to write
and get in touch,

or if you're down
this neck of the woods,
it'd be great to see you again.

Take care. Lynn."

She was one of my bullies.

[groaning,
laughing]

She wasn't a punchy bully.
She was a psychological bully.

She used to try
and fuck me up.

I remember one time she came up
to me in the playground
and she said to me,

"Did you write into
Just Seventeenthis week?"

And I went, "No."

And she went,
"Oh, well, thought you had."
And off she flounced.

So the lunch break,
I went to the newsagent

and I bought a copy
of Just Seventeen.

If you don't know
what Just Seventeenis,

it's a magazine that you read
until you're 15.

[laughing]

If you're still reading it
at 17, something has gone
horribly wrong.

Because now you should be
reading Moremagazine

and learning about
the positions of the fortnight.

[laughing, applauding]

And just so you know,
I've got a wheelbarrow now.

Doesn't look anything like that.[laughing]

So I'm standing
outside of the newsagent
with a copy of Just Seventeen.

I flick to the problem page,
and on the perimeter
are all problems about sex,

and I knew she wouldn't think
that was me.

But right dead center,
right in the middle,
was a problem entitled,

"Am I a Boring Square?"

She made me buy
my fuckin' insult.

So I replied to her e-mail.

[murmuring]

Whoo!Whoo!

You've got to be careful
with this. I might have
misremembered things.

I might've been overly sensitive
at the time,

I didn't want to
give her anything

that she could fling back
and say, "You're wrong."

So this is all I sent.
Just the one line.

"Hello, Lynn. To be honest,
I probably won't reply
any more fully than this,

as I don't remember you
very favorably."

[cheering]

What I was hoping for at school
was like an ugly duckling
revelation moment.

We all know the story
of the ugly duckling
that becomes the beautiful swan.

So it was never
an ugly duckling, it was always
a perfectly lovely cygnet.

Which is what the book
should have been called.

The Perfectly Lovely Cygnet
and His Rubbish Time
with the Shitty Ducks.

[laughing]But people think
the moral of that story

is don't judge something
'cause it might be wrong.

I think the moral is
don't be mean to anything

'cause it might grow up
to steal your chips
and break your arm.

But if not an ugly
duckling moment, there may be
a Plain Jane Superbrain moment.

The only people that'll get that
reference are about my age and
watched Neighboursgrowing up.

If you don't know
who Plain Jane Superbrain was,

she's just a girl called Jane
who wore glasses,

and then one day,
they took her glasses off her--

[laughing]

they put her
in a taffeta dress,

and then everyone
wanted to fuck her.

Even Helen Daniels.

That's not how glasses work
though, is it?

You haven't all been
looking at me tonight, going,

"Nah, I really don't
fancy her at all."

"Fuckin' hell, I would!
Fuckin' hell, I would!"

"Nah. Not even a twinge.
Not even a twinge."

"Fuckin' hell, I'd shove it
in any hole she'd let us!"

[laughing]

That's not
how glasses work.

I've got
a good duck fact for you.
You might not know this.

The duck penis
is a corkscrew.

If you ever see a couple
of ducks trying to have sex in
the park, just give them a hand.

And you'll know
when he's finished, 'cause
his wings'll go up like that.

One thing I hadn't realized as
I became a bit more known and
a bit more in the public eye,

is that in some ways
that can feel a lot like
being back at school.

Because now
anybody who wants to

can tell me that they think
I look like shit
and regularly do.

Obviously social media
is one of the main culprits,

but for me another culprit
has always been
women's magazines.

I hate women's magazines.
I don't think they lift us up.
I think they push us down.

They show us
an unrealistic ideal
of what they expect us to be,

rather than embrace us
for what we are, which is,
quite frankly, fucking glorious.

-Hmm.
-[cheering]

[applause]

Because I'm quite proactive,
I don't like to just complain
and do nothing about it.

I set up my own
online women's magazine.

It's called
Standard Issuemagazine.

Please have a look
when you get home.
Oh, bless you. Thank you.

It's for you. It's free
and it's for you, and the rule
is no bullshit. No bullshit.

'Cause I hate it
when women's magazines
say things like,

"We're gonna teach you
about the thigh gap."

And you think, "I know what
the thigh gap is. Used to
be called fuckin' rickets."

Or when they say, "We're gonna
teach you how to keep a man."

I don't need to know how
to keep a man. I married one.
He's contractually obliged.

If this was a film,
this would be where
there'd be a montage

where you'd see
how things are improving
with my body image.

There's no film, but I'll
talk you through the montage.
I did a few things.

First, I started to look
at my face in the mirror
without any makeup on.

I did that a lot,
to the point where now, when I
look at my face in the mirror

without any makeup on, I think,

"It's just your face.
There's nothing wrong with it."

Which was a huge change for me.

Second thing,
I started to buy clothes online.

No longer do I go into a shop,
pick some clothes to try on,

take them into a tiny cubicle
with an ill-fitting curtain,

office lighting
and a fuckin' circus mirror--

[laughing]

and ultimately hand them back
to a tiny specimen of a woman,

like a mouse in hot pants,

who never says anything,
but with her eyes is saying,

"Oh, you're too fat
for all the clothes now."

What I do now
is I order them online.

They arrive at the house,
I try them on,

and if they don't fit, I have
a fuckin' biscuit, 'cause it
doesn't fuckin' matter!

[cheering]

Of course,
whenever the Special K advert
came on the telly,

I'd always think,
"She looks amazing
in that swimming costume."

You know what I do now when
the Special K advert comes on?
I go like this.

"Oh, fuck off!

You taste like shit!

I'll stick
to me Frosties, thanks.

And I'll put some sugar on them
and some jam and a fuckin'
Jaffa cake if I want to.

Fuck you!"

[applause]

I've had a couple of indicators
that things are improving
with my body image.

I'll talk you through them.
First, I've got a friend
who's a makeup artist.

I said to her I get bad black
rings under my eyes. I often
look more tired than I am.

I said, "Is there something
that you could recommend
that would cover that up?"

She said,
"Absolutely." She showed me
this little pot of stuff.

"This is good.
Get one of these." I said,
"Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Harvey Nicks."

I thought,
"Couldn't have been fuckin'
Boots or Superdrug, could it?"

Had to be Harvey Nicks.
I hate those shops.

I find them really intimidating.
I find them patronizing.

I thought, "I want this stuff.
I have to go in,

but I'm gonna make it
the quickest transaction
they've ever had."

I'm just gonna go in--
Not like that. That looked
aggressive, didn't it?

[in husky voice]
Bring on your patter, bitch.
I'm ready.

I'd taken a photo
of the thing to show the lady,
and that's exactly what I did.

I went up to the counter and
said to the lady, "Can I have
one of these, please, love?"

I showed her the photo,
and she said, "No problem."

I thought,
"We're halfway there."

And she said, "I've just got
to color-match you first."

Before I could ask what the fuck
color-matching actually was,

she had me
up on a stool so high
I couldn't get off on me own.

And I was facing outwards,
facing the whole shop.

I thought, "My God,
this is so embarrassing.
This is mortifying.

Oh, my God. Everybody's
gonna be able to see.
This is so embarrassing."

Then I remembered,
it's Harvey Nicks.

It doesn't matter,
'cause there's hardly ever
anyone in, is there?

It's like a museum
for handbags.

She dabbed the stuff
under my eyes,

showed me in a mirror,
and I said, "That's champion.
I'll have one of those."

She said, "No problem."
Again, "No problem." I thought,
"Surely we're nearly done now."

But this is the moment that
she chose to wince at my face.

I wasn't wearing
any other makeup

apart from what
she'd dabbed under my eyes
for two reasons.

First, I was getting used to
my face without makeup on, and I
thought it looked all right.

Second reason: I don't know
if you know this, but you don't
have to wear makeup

to go fuckin' shopping
if you don't fuckin' want to!

[cheering]

She winced at my face.

Fuck knows what expression
she was pulling underneath
all of her layers of makeup

to get that wince
to punch its way to the surface.

She must've been girning so hard
she nearly shat herself.

[laughing]

She winced at my face
and then she said,

"Can I just do the rest
of your makeup before you
go back out though, yes?"

I was furious that she thought
it was necessary.

So I threw myself off the stool
with quite a lot of force,

but all I said was, "Oh, love.
I couldn't give less of a shit."

[laughing]So that felt good.

Second one. I was walking
the dog a few months ago,

and a van approached,
and the driver of the van
was a man, maybe mid-50s,

and his window was wound down.

And as he approached me,
he beeped his horn,

beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
and then made this noise:

"Whuh!"

[laughing]

When I got home, I said
to my husband, "That's never
happened to me before."

My husband said,
"I want you to think about that
and genuinely tell me

if you think nobody
has ever beeped their horn
at you in the past."

I had a think, and with
a degree of horror, I realized
that he was absolutely right.

But this is the first time
I'd ever allowed it to be
a compliment.

In the past, when anybody
beeped their horn at me,
I'd assume they were saying,

"Look at the state of her.
She's too fat for that dress."

These are exactly
the sorts of things that
were going on in my mind.

So, technically,
I suppose it is the first time
it's happened to me.

And I did respond
in quite a peculiar manner.

So he approached.
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
"Whuh!"

And I went like this.

[laughing]

[applause]

I waved at him
like I was a small child.

Sometimes for fun,
for a laugh, for japes,

I like to imagine what happened
when Lynn from school
opened the e-mail I sent her.

I like to think that
she gathered her family around,

her husband
who takes them abroad,
and her kids.

I can't remember their names.
Posh twat number 1
and posh twat number 2.

I like to think
she gathered them around
and she said,

"Mummy's friend from school,
the one off the television,
she's replied.

Let's read the e-mail
all together as a family."

And they open the e-mail
and they read the e-mail,

and her sons go,
"Hold on a minute.
Were you a bully?"

"Oh, is this why we have to keep
fuckin' movin' all the time?"

[applause]

To summarize, I think the thing
that I hate about school

is closely linked to the thing
that I love about school.

The thing I hate about school
is the lack of social mobility.

Whatever you go in as,
especially the senior school,

you were labeled as such
and you were that for five years

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

I was a nerd at school.
Give us a cheer.
Any other nerds at school?

[cheering]

Any sporty types?

[scattered cheers]

Any slags?

[laughing]

That's how unfair it is.
You couldn't change.

You could try. You could be
a nerd and think, "I'm gonna
try and become a slag."

And you can try,
but they'd still be like,

"Yeah, no,
she's sucking all those cocks
behind the bike sheds,

but she's still counting them
on her abacus."

[laughing]

But while that's what I hate
about school,

what I love about school
is that when you leave,
all of that disappears.

You can do anything you like.
You can be anyone you like.

You don't have to be friends
with any of those fuckers again
if you don't want to be,

and who knows, someday you
might be able to peel a satsuma
while you're driving a car

or do a horn noise
with your mouth.

Or talk about your bully onstage
and then send her
the fuckin' DVD.

[cheering]

[applause]

Fuck that. She can buy it.
Uh-- [laughing]

I said before that I'd been
with my fella for ten years.

We agree on a lot of things, we
disagree on some things. That's
healthy in a relationship.

One of the things
we disagreed on recently
is my new theory.

I have a new theory,
and my theory is

that I think that men retain
different information to women.

And the information
that men retain

is what I would call... useless.

[laughing]

And the information that women
retain is much more useful.

I've devised a short quiz that
I put to my husband, and I'll
talk you through it now.

There are two rounds
in the quiz.

The Useless round followed by
the Useful round. There are
three questions in each.

If you know any answers
shout them out.
We'll have a bit of fun.

So, Useless round,
question number one.

Who was the manager
of Aston Villa in 2005?

Does anybody know?[man] David O'Leary.

Well done!
Fuckin' hell!

[applause][Sarah laughs]

Well done.
And thus proving my point
fucking perfectly, flower!

[laughing]

My husband also got that
correct. One to the audience,
one to the husband.

Question number two.

How far did the Dow Jones fall
on the 19th of October 1987?

Anybody have a clue?

Oh, there's kind of chuntering.
Did you hear that?

[mimics murmuring]

Anybody want to guess?[woman]
A thousand.

A thousand what?

A thousand points?Oh, bless you for knowing.

It's not 1,000 points,
but bless you for knowing
that it's points.

It's 508 points.

But I'm gonna give you
half a point for knowing
that it's points.

The other day somebody shouted
out something in feet and
inches. Like it actually fell--

Aaah!

Half a point.

My husband got it exactly right,
which is terrifying.

And the third and final question
in the Useless round.

Name the female doctor
in Star Trek: Next Generation, Series One.

Anybody know?[shouting]

"Crusher. Crusher. Crusher."
[giggles]

"I know! I know!"
Dr. Beverly Crusher. Well done.
So many of you knew that.

So, two and a half
to the audience
and three to the husband.

Now we move on
to the Useful round.

[laughing]The first question
in the Useful round.

Which one
is the tumble dryer?

My husband said,
"It's the white one." I said,
"They're all fucking white!"

Question number two.
How do you know when it's time
to throw your underpants away?

[laughing]

[person shouting]

-What was that?
-[person shouting]

"When the dog
leaves them alone!"
[laughs]

[applause]

My husband said
it was a trick question

because "you never
throw underpants away."

The correct answer
is when the elasticity is such

that it looks like
you're wearing a gym skirt.

[laughing]

And the third and final question
in the Useful round,

and indeed the entire quiz.

How much praise should you get
for unblocking a toilet

that you yourself blocked?

[laughing]

Fucking none!

I sound like a nag.
I don't think I'm a nag.

-Give us a cheer if you think
you're getting nagged.
-[scattered cheers]

I had a young couple
a few weeks ago, and the fella
said he got nagged by his wife.

I said, "What does she nag
you for?" He said, "Because
I don't tidy up after myself."

I said, "Do you just not like
tidyin'?" He said, "No."

I said,
"Can I tell you something?"
He said, "What?"

I said, "Neither does she!"

And he went like this,
he went,

"Oh."[laughing]

Saved a marriage.
You're welcome.

I don't think I'm a nag,
but maybe you guys
can tell me otherwise.

So my husband isn't really
interested in clothes.

Neither am I especially.
It's not a big deal.

But when he puts his jacket on,
the collar's always turned
in over,

and I always have to go,
"Love? Flick your collar out.

Your collar. Your collar.

On your jacket.
Just flick it out.
It's tucked in. It's tucked in.

Your collar. Your collar?
It's tucked in.

On your jacket.
On your jacket?

On your jacket.
Just flick it out.
Just do what I'm doing.

Just do that.
It's tucked underneath.

Just flick it out. Flick it out.
Your collar. Your collar?

Your collar. On your jacket.
On your jacket. On your--

No, just on your jacket.
On your jacket.

No, not your shirt.
No, your shirt's fine.

Well, it's not now.
You've fucked it.

On your jacket.
It looks ridic--

I just want you to look
like somebody loves you.

For fuck's sake,
pull your fuckin' collar out!"

I can hear
how horrible that sounds.

I've got a better approach.
This is much more positive.

This is what I do now.
I go, "Love?"
And he goes, "What?"

I go, "Do your impression
of Fonzie?" And he flicks it out
and goes, "Hey!"

[laughing]

I get what I want, he thinks
I like his impressions.
That's good.

I read recently
a survey that said,

that in heterosexual couples,

men don't think that women
initiate sex.

And I thought,
"I don't think that's true."
I think women initiate sex.

I think maybe
we don't call it that--
"initiating sex."

Sounds like something you do
on a rocket, doesn't it?

[in deep voice] Initiating sex.
Five, four, three, two...

I think women initiate sex.
Maybe men aren't always so good
at picking up the signals.

Maybe that's where
the communication falls down.

A bloke will be like,
"Yeah, she was lying on the bed.

She had her hair all sort of
fanned out on the pillow.

She had a tiny towel on,
so I could basically see
everything.

And she just put lipstick on,
which is weird, 'cause she
just got out the bath.

But I decided to initiate sex.

Five, four, three..."

"Can I stop you there
in the middle of
your countdown, flower.

I started ages ago.
You weren't even in the
fucking room when I started."

[laughing]

You know that chat that you have
sometimes before sex

and occasionally during sex,
that bit of chat?

I think if you've been
together a long time,
that chat should come

with terms and conditions
attached, don't you think?

So if you say something like,
"You can do...

whatever you want to me."

What you really mean is,
"Of the four things
we normally do."

"Within the parameters
we've already set."

Interesting that
there's often chat
before and during sex,

but very little chat after sex,
just sort of "night-night"

or "I'm gonna have a piss
as soon as this thing
flattens."

That sort of thing.

[laughing]

Or maybe something like,
"Ooh, get us a biscuit
while you're up."

Or even something like,
"Is the dog still starin'?"

Ah, yeah. I turned 41
quite recently.

I like being in my 40s.
Give us a cheer
if you're 40 and above.

[cheering]

Isn't it good?
I like it a lot.

I just don't give a shit about
unimportant things anymore.

A few things changed
when I turned 40.

One thing that changed
when I turned 40 is that I've
stopped sniffing me leggings.

[laughing]

I sniffed them to see if I could
get another day out of them.

Whereas now
I just assume that I can.

But I read on an official form,
a proper document recently,
the term "women's problems."

And I thought, "Really?
'‘women's problems' in 2016?"

Why doesn't it just say
"periods" or "menstruation"?

There's nothing wrong
with those words, nothing wrong
with the actual thing.

It's a perfectly normal
and natural part of life,
nothing to be ashamed of.

Seems peculiar to me.

So I've decided to do--
and come with me if you like--

I've decided
to bypass the word "periods"
if people find it so offensive,

and I'm going to say
this instead.

So somebody says to me,
"Are you all right?"

I'm gonna go,
"Oh, I'm clottin'!"

See? The word "periods"
isn't so bad now, is it? No!

I think a lot of the euphemisms
for periods are really horrible.

So gross
and such a bad reflection
of how normal it is.

If "clottin'" horrifies you,
I get it.

I've made up another one.
This is lighter,
a bit more playful.

Maybe this will appeal to you
a bit more. This is it.

"It's W.I. week."

Because I'm making jam.
Do you get it? [laughs]

[scattered groans]

Some of you
are more horrified by that
than you were by "clottin'."

That's hilarious. I think
I've ruined afternoon teas
for all of us.

Sorry about that.

I read a good statistic
recently that said
that 67 percent of women,

so two-thirds of women,
don't bath or shower every day.

And because I bath
or shower every day,
my first reaction was,

"That's disgusting!"

My second reaction was to start
sniffing my friends.

[laughing]And my third reaction was,

"Well, if they're not doin' it,
I'm not gonna fuckin' do it."

But I mostly bath
or shower every day.

Though if I'm running late,
I've got an early appointment
or slept in,

I'll do instead
what my mam would refer to
as a "flannel job."

This is a tip
for the women in the room
who do have pubic hair.

The next time you do
a flannel job, if you do it
in a circular motion,

you can Afro it right up.

It's really fun.

[laughing]

It's not a joke. It's a tip
for you to take home and try.

In a room of this size,
there'll at least be
20 or 30 women

tomorrow morning going,
"I'm gonna have a go."

[laughing]

Voomff! Ahhh.

Massive pants.

Let me leave you
on a daft story.

I went for a massage.

Give us a cheer if you've
ever been for a massage.

[cheering]

So I don't like
the actual activity itself.

I like the bit at the end where
you feel all floppy and relaxed.

I'm like, "I might
never wear a bra again."

I love that bit.
I don't like
the actual activity.

I feel very uncomfortable
being in front of a stranger
just in my pants.

So what happens
is I book the massage.

I get so stressed and tense
on the buildup to the massage

that the best she can do
at the massage

is get me back down
to the level of stress I was at
before I booked the massage.

One thing they do
that I don't like
in a massage appointment

is when they teach you
how to breathe.

They do that. Like I'm 41.

The breathing's
been going pretty well.

But they do that, don't they?
They go, "And breathe in."

[inhales]

[exhales]

"And breathe out."
I could've fucking died
if I'd waited for her.

The last massage I had,
she said, "This is
an aromatherapy massage."

I said, "That's correct."
She said, "I've got
three different oils.

Smell each one, pick the one you
like and we'll use that one."
I said, "Champion."

She unscrewed the lid
off the first one,
wafted it in front of my nose,

and I said,
"Is that eucalyptus? Eucalyptus.

Like a eucalyptus.
Like a menthol? Like a menthol?
Like a menthol? Is it menthol?

Is it like a menthol?
Is it menthol? Is it mint?
Is it mint? Is it mint?"

She said, "You don't have to
guess what it is."

Second one she wafted
in front of my nose.

I said, "Is that lemon?
Is it lemon? Is it lemon?

Is it like a citrus?
Like a sort of general
sort of citrus?

Is it citrus? Is it citrus?

Is it grapefruit?
Is it grapefruit?
Is it grapefruit?"

She said, "It's not a quiz."

[laughing]

The third one she wafted
in front of my nose.

I didn't recognize the smell,
but I liked it,
so I chose that one.

She said, "Good."
She read the label,
she said, "That's Happy."

And I thought,
"I was never gonna win
the fucking quiz, was I?"

[laughing]

My worst bit of a massage
is the bit
in a full body massage

where they make you turn over
on the table.

'Cause the tables
are very narrow, and I am not.

They do at least
hold the towel up.

So you can flubber,
flubber, flubber
over in private.

Or so I fucking thought.

Last one I had,
she held the towel up and I
flubber-flubber-flubbered over.

I was almost in position
when our eyes locked

in the mirrored wall
at the end of the room.

[laughing]

My friend said to me,
"That's not my worst bit
of a massage."

She said, "I don't like
the bit where they pull
your knickers down a bit."

I said, "They'd have to do that
with me, otherwise they wouldn't
get half me back."

[laughing]

I went for a massage
with a friend.

We were waiting,
and the woman came out and said,

"Ladies, ladies, ladies,
just to let you know
that on staff today

we have
a male massage therapist,

and I was wondering
if either of you
would mind"--

My friend went--
[in sultry voice]
"I'll have him."

[laughing]

I said to her afterwards,
"You're single.
You can have the bloke one.

Just let her finish
her question first.

Maybe leave it a beat,
and then say,
'‘I suppose I don't mind.'

Rather than--
[in sultry voice]
'‘I'll have him.'"

She came out after the massage
with this big beamin' smile
on her face.

I said, "Was it a good massage?"
She said, "Oh, yeah."

I said, "That's good."
She said, "I felt his erection."

We take turns to pay,
and it was my turn.

I thought, "I'm not paying
if she's had fuckin' extras."

I said, "You felt his erection?"
She said, "Yes, on me elbow."

Now, I don't know
what your elbows are like,

but mine is like
fuckin' rhino skin.

I'd be hard pushed to tell
hot from cold with mine.

That would be
an excellent game show.
Cock or Not? Cock or Not?

One thing I don't like, and this
might come across overly mean.

I don't want it to, but it might
come across that way. I don't
like a skinny massage therapist.

The one I use is about my size,
maybe a bit bigger.
I don't like the skinny ones.

They've never said anything
to me, but in my mind,

when they're massaging me,
they're doing this:

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

[laughing]

I'm gonna need more time.
It's a bigger surface area!

The whole time
I'm being massaged, there's
an inner monologue going on.

So outside,
I'm the picture of composure,
but in here it's going crazy,

and it depends on
where she starts.

If she starts at the bottom,
I'll be like,
"Oh, tickly feet, tickly feet.

She's going up to the bit
where I've got broken veins
on the back of me leg.

I don't like-- Too close to
me fanny! Too close to me fanny!
Too close to me fanny!"

[laughing]

So I'm lying there,

covered in Happy--

a very different version of
Snow White than we're used to--

[laughing]

and the massage ends.

And she said-- they always
put on like a chocolaty voice--
and she said,

"Just relax.
There's plenty of time.

There's absolutely no rush.
Please, just stay relaxed.

There's so much time.
There's no need for you to rush.

Please, there's so much time.
I just want you
to stay relaxed."

What she didn't know
is that I'd been dying
for a fart for 40 minutes!

[laughing]

The door had barely clicked shut
when I let out the loudest,

most tromboney-est fart
you've ever heard.

Remember, I was covered in oil.

It was like
the Salvation Army band
had popped in.

[laughing]

And I'm right in
the middle of potentially
the best fart of my life

when she came back in
with a glass of water.

[applause]

And I half expected her to go,

"Is that curry? Is it curry?
Is that curry? Is it curry?
Is it curry? Is that curry?"

And if she had, I would've gone,
"No, love. That's happy."

[laughing]

You've been a cracking crowd,
you really have,
but just before I say good-bye,

there's someone
who wants to say hello.

[cheering, whooping]

This is Commander Tuvok.

[laughing]

He's a little bit nervous.

[audience] Aw.

Aw, bless him.
Actually, let me--
Give us a second.

I've got something that I think
you'll like. Hold on.

[cheering, applause]

I don't think anybody
has ever run away
from my knickers so quickly.

[laughing]

I don't think
they're meaty enough for him.

Oh...

[cheering, applause]

Anybody else? Anybody want them?
Anybody want them?

You've been such
a smashing crowd. Thank you
ever so much for coming tonight.

You've been amazing,
and I'm so glad
you were here to do this.

-Thank you. Good night.
-[cheering, whistling]

♪ Let's go for a little walk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

♪ Let's sit down and talk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

♪ I wanna tell ya♪

♪ That I love ya♪

♪ And I want you
to be my girl♪

♪ Little darling
Let's walk, let's talk♪

♪ Under the moon of love♪

[cheering, applause]

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