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[ Children squealing ]
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[ Grunting ]
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♪♪
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Hi. Hi!
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Oh! Oh!
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Fuck! Sorry. Sorry.
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No, no, no. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's fine.
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Um, hi, I'm -- I'm so sorry,
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because I thought it was Pride Night tonight.
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But apparently, that's next Friday,
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and tonight is actually Country Night.
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Oh. Yeah.
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No, it's all good.
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And you look great.
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And I'm sure no one will notice.
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I-I mean, like, I-I can change.
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Like, I-I have clothes i-in a locker.
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I-I didn't know what magical
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Under the Stars things we were gonna get up to afterwards.
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Oh. How late are we gonna be out?
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Oh, so he already wants it to be over.
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No, no, no. I just need to tell my dad, like, when to get me.
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No, that was a joke. I was joking.
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Oh. Oh, that's so cute.
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[ Chuckles ]
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We -- Should we get the s-skates?
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Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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[ Chuckles ] So, how are you?
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Like, I want to know everything. Tell me all of it.
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"I'm Bo. I'm cute."
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Go. Okay.
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Um...
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I-I started mining for bitcoin today.
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Sorry, that's so boring.
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No, it's actually very Taurus of you.
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Whoa.
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Well, that's crazy. Did I tell you I'm a Taurus?
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No. She's just very intuitive.
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Uh, actually, I-I-I stalked you
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a little bit, to find your birthday.
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But, like, you know, who doesn't want to be stalked
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a little bit, right?
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Like, I'm like, "Yes, please.
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Fantasize abut me in pervy ways."
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Well, actually, um, my aunt had a stalker --
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Well, I mean, he wasn't really, but she thought he was
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'cause he kept showing up at her apartment complex.
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But he was just a delivery guy.
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Um. Only she ended up pepper-spraying him, and then...
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he filed a restraining order against her, and --
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and she had a nervous breakdown.
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Um, size 10, please.
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Oh, are you okay?
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Yes. Uh -- Uh -- So, bitcoin!
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T-Tell me about that. How do you do that?
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Okay. Uh, well, it's mostly just figuring out software
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and profitability based on, uh, energy consumption
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versus the current bitcoin price
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But the -- Are you sure you're okay?
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Yeah. Just, um, keep telling me about bitcoin.
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Uh, the -- the cool thing is mining
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actually helps keep the network secure,
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which is interesting, you know?
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Yes!
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Oh, is it? Yes!
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Hey, uh, I like "Brokeback Mountain".
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I like Blake Shelton.
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[ Laughter ]
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That's fuckin' hilarious.
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I bet he actually does like Blake Shelton.
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Oh, I-I love Blake Shelton.
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No, you don't.
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♪♪
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Are you sure you don't want to stop?
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Yeah, no, I-I'm fine.
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I just haven't skated in a while,
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but you know, there -- there are other things
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that I want to do that might be fun --
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"Rocky Horror" and --
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Oh, I've always wanted to see that.
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Oh, you're a virgin! Okay. That's gonna be great.
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I wanna help you figure out what to wear,
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because if you wear the wrong thing,
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then, you get sacrificed with the other virgins,
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and then, you have to do something, like,
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moan your mom's name like she's being fucked.
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Oh. But it's, like, fun, though.
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Are you guys brothers?
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No. Do we look like we're brothers?
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We're on a date.
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Oh, so, are you gonna touch penises?
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Man: No, no, no, Bobby! Other way! Other way!
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Ew! Ew! Ew!
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[ Vomiting ]
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Oh, my God! Shoot! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
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Oh, my God. A-Are you okay?
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Ew! Fuck!
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Ugh.
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Fuck!
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[ Ashnikko's Cry (feat. Grimes) plays ]
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♪♪
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[ Text message send noise ]
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♪ I'm a tough bitch, but I'm sensitive ♪
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Delilah: Everybody come buy your dance tickets!
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Riley! Hey!
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Do you wanna get -- -Sorry. I can't.
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♪ I'm about to rip all of my hair out ♪
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♪ 'Cause I'm madder than I've ever been ♪
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♪ Bitch, are you tryna make me cry? ♪
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♪ Are you tryna make me lose it? ♪
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♪ You win some and lose some ♪
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♪ This could get gruesome ♪
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♪ Bitch, are you tryna make me cry? ♪
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♪ Are you tryna make me lose it? ♪
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The assignment was to take an everyday object
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and look at it in a new way,
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so that's what I did.
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Sam: Uh-huh.
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You've been, uh, cutting too many classes.
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We're only 10 days into the new term,
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and you're failing photography,
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which feels a little like Picasso failing art.
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Thank you.
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Why is Picasso failing art?
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Is there, like, a slip you sign, or something?
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At my high school, there was a track and field coach
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who everyone -- everyone hated
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'cause he called kids "weaklings,"
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like, straight up.
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One time, he, uh, tripped a kid on purpose,
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using a pole vault pole.
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Like, he was evil.
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My point is people will always try to crush dreams,
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so, what do you do?
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Take pictures of fruit. [ Chuckles ]
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I get you want to blow things up, but like, how big?
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Just 'cause you don't want to blow yourself up in the process.
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[ Indistinct conversations in distance ]
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♪ Bitch, are you tryna make me cry? ♪
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♪ Are you tryna make me lose it? ♪
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[ Horn blasts ]
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You had to choose the one fruit that's hairy?
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♪ Bitch -- ♪
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♪♪
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What?
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Nothing. I like you.
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You're my sister from another mister.
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[ Chuckles ] Why? You just are.
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[ Phone chimes ]
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Are you going?
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I don't know. Are you?
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Chester: No. I am going on a date with Cutie McCutie.
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Riley: Oh, cute. [ Chuckles ]
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And if you dial back his nerdcon a bit...
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Like, how many stories are there of straight people
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marrying their high school sweethearts?
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It's the queers' turn now, baby.
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Give it to usssss! Mwah!
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Oh, my God.
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Can I just say -- it's so great
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that you're not putting any pressure on this.
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Oh, thank you. Mm-hmm.
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So proud. Whatever.
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But you are going to "X-Files", right?
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Mm...
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No. No. Stop.
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You're going! -Mm!
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Does Greta...
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even want me there?
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Yes.
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What was the motel drama?
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S-She just freaked out a little bit.
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Mnh-mnh. Something else.
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I know you, sis.
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I don't really know where we stand,
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or what she wants, or...
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[ Clears throat ]
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I-I don't -- I mean, I don't know what I want.
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Whatever. What do you think?
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I think lesbians are exhausting.
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[ Chuckles ]
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I'm not a lesbian.
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Yeah, well, you have that over-talky,
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smother-y lesbian thing down.
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If that is your definition,
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you are the biggest lesbian in all of Anaheim.
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[ Tires screech ]
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♪♪
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You cunt!
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♪♪
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[ Gearshift clicks, engine shuts off ]
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[ Dog barking in distance ]
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I can't with my parents right now.
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[ Birds chirping ]
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Could you, uh, come in?
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[ Metal creaking ]
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Chester: Oh, my God.
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Who is that?
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My dad's child bride.
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I literally thought she went to school with us.
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Nope. That is his girlfriend.
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Wait, so, your mom moved out?
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No. She's not. Come -- Come see this.
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[ Gasps ]
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What?!
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What is this?
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My mom has an inner child named Ginnie,
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and she decided that that inner child
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needs a place to play, so...
210
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Wait, so, she's crazy?
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More just really narcissistic.
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Or actually, I don't know.
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Yeah, maybe -- maybe she's crazy.
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"We don't have a Black friend."
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Okay, this is, like, kind of fun, in --
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in a weird, creepy kind of way.
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I mean, divorce makes people do weird things.
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Like, one of my aunts went full-on Born Again,
219
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and then, became a quadruple black belt,
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but, like, not in an empowering way.
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[ Breathes sharply ]
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I have to leave for me, but I don't want to leave for you.
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It's okay. Go.
224
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You sure? Yes. Don't be late.
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Do not worry about me. Seriously.
226
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She has fucked me up so much already,
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I am beyond fuck-up-able.
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She once told me that Santa Claus wasn't real
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just so I'd be mad at my dad for lying.
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Yes. And then, I have to watch her be this 5-year-old,
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like, obsessively making these finger paintings
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of rainbow hearts,
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'cause she can't find love, and I...
234
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But then, I'm like, "What would I do if I heard my husband
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banging some barely legal girl in my own home?"
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[ Toilet flushes ]
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[ Door creaking ]
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Hi.
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I'm Chester.
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Eh, it's -- it's so nice to meet you.
241
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Oh, my God, oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I'm --
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I'm canceling my date. No. Don't do that.
243
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Yes. Don't do that.
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She's probably happy that she overheard.
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Now, she can ignore me, and just feel justified.
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It's fine. Ah.
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Please, go, and be happy with your perfect boyfriend
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on your perfect date, please.
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I-I just --
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I need you to go, actually, so I know that love exists.
251
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I love you. Okay.
252
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So, that love exists.
253
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Thank you.
254
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[ Sighs ]
255
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Go to "X-Files."
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[ Door opens ]
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[ Birds chirping ]
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♪♪
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♪ Are you ready? ♪
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♪♪
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♪♪
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Ana: I miss you.
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It's so good that you came.
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[ Singing in Spanish ]
265
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:33,866
She's just coming over.
266
00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:35,468
Oh, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
267
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,737
I just -- The apartment looks so nice.
268
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:40,506
My sister will be back any day, and though I used to think
269
00:10:40,506 --> 00:10:42,808
I'd rather gouge my eyes out than live two doors down
270
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:46,178
from her, well, family, right?
271
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,881
[ Door opens ]
272
00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,850
-Hi. -Oh, hey.
273
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,119
[ Door closes ] Greta: Hi.
274
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:56,422
What's up? Um. Oh, I --
275
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:59,225
...such a fucking power move. Well, I mean, it was just like...
276
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,726
Delilah: You are a ho in the best sense of the word.
277
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:02,261
Arianna: I learned from you.
278
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:04,196
That was, like, a life-lesson moment.
279
00:11:04,196 --> 00:11:06,332
Like, parents of the world, if you try to control us,
280
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,733
this is what we will do.
281
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:09,335
-Hi. -Hi.
282
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,804
I'm Ana. Welcome to the "X-Files" experience.
283
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,172
So, is this everyone who's coming?
284
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,774
I'm gonna start the show now.
285
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,208
-So, Chester's not coming? -Oh.
286
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:18,811
Um, I think he's hanging out with Bo.
287
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,147
Cool. Great. Um... Oh, my God.
288
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:23,049
So, they've been, like, hanging out a lot, or...
289
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:26,185
No, I think this is the first time, but, yeah.
290
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,820
You okay? Yeah. Totally.
291
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,522
It's -- It's just, like, weird,
292
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,557
'cause he's never mentioned the voicemail, but,
293
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:34,493
like, it's fine -- For real? A cumshot on a kiwi?
294
00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:36,095
No. No, no, no, no.
295
00:11:36,095 --> 00:11:37,430
It was a middle-schooler fucking a kiwi, right?
296
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,798
No, it was not.
297
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:40,232
Delilah: Wait, let me see.
298
00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:41,701
Oh, this photo is really amazing.
299
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,703
-Shh! -Oh, thank you.
300
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,404
-Look. -It's starting now.
301
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:47,306
-Sorry. Sorry. -This show really taught the world
302
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:48,874
to pay attention to how the government lies.
303
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,876
Ana: You are invited back.
304
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,978
Nathan: Based on today, Naomi is the best liar in the world --
305
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:55,181
and I say that with full respect.
306
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:58,017
Arianna: Watch this. Two truths and a lie, bitch.
307
00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,618
Go. -Okay.
308
00:11:59,618 --> 00:12:01,087
Um, everyone in my family
309
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:02,755
has a middle name that starts with N.
310
00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:05,124
Once, I fractured my nose from sneezing too hard.
311
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:08,127
And I absorbed a triplet in the womb.
312
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:10,262
-Definitely three. -You can't fracture your nose.
313
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,431
-It was two. -[ Laughs ]
314
00:12:12,431 --> 00:12:16,202
Hey. So, are you okay? Your absorbed a triplet?
315
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:17,937
Yeah. It was just, like, my mom was --
316
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,138
[ Pounding on door ]
317
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:21,107
Man: And keep it down!
318
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:23,142
I will when your wife stops stealing my Amazon packages!
319
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:24,877
Naomi: I should've absorbed Nathan.
320
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,979
But I'm telling you, if you talk during it,
321
00:12:26,979 --> 00:12:28,914
you will miss crucial plot points.
322
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,983
[ Sirens wailing in distance ]
323
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,020
[ Door opens ]
324
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:37,556
[ Door closes ]
325
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:42,728
Not into the show? [ Chuckles ]
326
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:47,099
I'll get into when the aliens start torturing the people.
327
00:12:48,134 --> 00:12:52,238
And, um, uh -- how -- how was your break?
328
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,673
Great. Yeah, I mean, I don't know,
329
00:12:54,673 --> 00:12:57,076
I guess a little weird?
330
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:02,314
My parents don't, um...know.
331
00:13:02,314 --> 00:13:03,516
Oh.
332
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,151
Yeah. I don't know.
333
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,952
We live in this world where it's all, like,
334
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:10,656
"Oh, you need to tell everything to everyone all the time,"
335
00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,992
and maybe it's just...
336
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,461
I don't know...
337
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,463
not actually always the best thing?
338
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,131
[ Phone chimes ]
339
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,500
-Oh! -Oh, shit!
340
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,803
Are -- Are you okay?
341
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,004
-Yeah. -I told you.
342
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,438
Ana: It's good.
343
00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:10,449
Delilah: Everybody, come buy your dance tickets!
344
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:12,051
Riley!
345
00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:14,553
Hey, do you wanna get tickets -- -No, I can't.
346
00:14:15,454 --> 00:14:18,824
Both of you close your eyes and hold out your hands.
347
00:14:18,824 --> 00:14:20,459
-What? -Now.
348
00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:21,627
Do it.
349
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:25,130
Open up.
350
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:31,804
-[ Gasps ] Oh, my God! -Oh, it's a little helix.
351
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,540
Because D-N-A!
352
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,708
Oh, my gosh!
353
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,211
-Come here. -Oh!
354
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,680
I seriously love you guys so much.
355
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,850
You are my bitches, you are my hos, you're my sluts.
356
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:46,518
I fucking love you for life.
357
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:48,254
Oh!
358
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,322
I love this more than life itself.
359
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,962
Um, is someone sitting here?
360
00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:58,831
Hi. No.
361
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,566
Okay. Okay, cool.
362
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,668
Um, I wanted...
363
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:04,970
I wanted to, um...
364
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,538
-Hi! -Hi!
365
00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:08,107
Hi. Um...
366
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:09,508
ca va?
367
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:10,976
Uh, ca va.
368
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:13,746
Oh!
369
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,813
[ Mouthing words ]
370
00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:18,083
[ Woman speaking French ]
371
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,586
Did you know it's because he has bad sinuses
372
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,254
that he breathes so loudly?
373
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:23,923
He told me one time during French,
374
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,224
'cause I was staring,
375
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:26,659
and he thought I was staring
376
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,260
because he was breathing so loud.
377
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,628
Are you sure you're okay with this?
378
00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:31,297
'Cause I know you wanted to fuck him.
379
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,666
No. It's seriously fine.
380
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,401
Okay.
381
00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:38,103
But the other thing I was thinking while I was staring is,
382
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:41,507
"How do you tell a guy their cologne smells bad?"
383
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,409
Which you have to do, because other--
384
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,778
Naomi: I'm, like, open to, like, working it out,
385
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,313
because that's just, like,
386
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,048
what you have to do in a relationship.
387
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:51,750
-Yeah. -We literally need them in an hour.
388
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:53,319
Megan: What for?
389
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,654
Naomi: For our viewing party. Dad knows.
390
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,957
Oh. Okay.
391
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,759
Apparently, he has his method of parenting and I have mine.
392
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:05,130
So, from now on, you must both ask my permission, also,
393
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:07,099
because he was not on that FaceTime call
394
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,634
when you viciously attacked me.
395
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,202
[ Doorbell rings ]
396
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:15,374
[ Cellphone chimes ] [ Door opens ]
397
00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:17,242
Hi. Pastor Jeb: Megan.
398
00:16:17,242 --> 00:16:18,978
[ Door closes ] Kids, um, Pastor Jeb, uh,
399
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,414
stopped by to pick up an extra, uh, paper shredder I have.
400
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,651
Hi, Nathan. Hi, Naomi. Hi, kids.
401
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,553
Well, actually, why don't you just stay
402
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:29,154
for a glass of iced tea?
403
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,489
Great. Yeah. It'll be great.
404
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,091
Nathan, why don't you join us?
405
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,259
-I really -- -iMaravillosa!
406
00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:36,362
Oh, look, Gloria's already set it up. She's a genius.
407
00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:37,763
[ Whispering ] I'll pray for you. Ah, excellent.
408
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:40,232
I just think New Year's, you know,
409
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:42,134
it's a great time... Okay.
410
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,737
...to have a conversation about resetting,
411
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,438
about building new found--
412
00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:48,674
Is this about the kissing video or me being bi?
413
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:51,043
Pastor Jeb: So...
414
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,680
...it's like skiing.
415
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,348
Sometimes, you put on your skis,
416
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,717
and you push yourself down a mountain,
417
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:01,153
and suddenly, you're thinking,
418
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:04,123
"This mountain is a lot steeper than I thought..." Mm.
419
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:06,392
"...and it's going too fast.
420
00:17:06,392 --> 00:17:09,495
And it seemed like it was gonna be fun,
421
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,897
but I'm really not enjoying this anymore,
422
00:17:11,897 --> 00:17:16,668
and I want to stop, but it feels like I can't."
423
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,339
You ever get that feeling, Nathan?
424
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,107
Not really, no.
425
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:24,510
-Oh. Well. -Oh, my God.
426
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,679
Southern California. Yeah.
427
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:32,718
But I-I think your parents feel you're experiencing pressures,
428
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,487
and that's resulting in some choices that --
429
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:37,389
Okay, so, we are talking about me being bi?
430
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:39,558
-No. -I hate when parents lie.
431
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,693
Like, they think we can't tell?
432
00:17:41,693 --> 00:17:45,164
And we're rally coming at this from a place of love, you know?
433
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,866
Nathan: Cool. Well, I love love.
434
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,002
Actually, I think I might be falling in love.
435
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:53,105
Well, that's frickin' great news. Oh, awesome.
436
00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:55,340
I mean, I was really worried that you might be upset
437
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,975
that I had a boyfriend.
438
00:17:56,975 --> 00:17:58,377
You do not.
439
00:17:58,377 --> 00:17:59,978
Who's he dating?
440
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:02,848
I think he's lying just to fuck with them,
441
00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:05,217
which is a ballsy move.
442
00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:06,985
Though, she'll never believe him,
443
00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:09,655
and she'll pick him apart, and he'll start crying.
444
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:11,223
Mm, normal.
445
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,225
-Shit. -What?
446
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:15,060
-Fuck. -What?
447
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:17,162
He better buy me a really expensive gift card for this.
448
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,697
What are you gonna do?
449
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:20,165
Megan: I'm not saying that you don't have a --
450
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,633
a b-friend.
451
00:18:21,633 --> 00:18:23,302
I'm just saying that, sometimes,
452
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:26,438
you do exaggerate for dramatic effect.
453
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,907
I'm so glad you finally told them.
454
00:18:28,907 --> 00:18:30,876
Do they know who he is? This bitch.
455
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,878
Nathan: It was such a fucking power move.
456
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:35,781
Naomi: And you know she was just dying to know who it was,
457
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,317
but wouldn't ask in front of Pastor Jeb.
458
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,385
You were a ho in the best sense of the word.
459
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:41,854
I learned from you.
460
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,722
That was, like, a life lesson moment.
461
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,525
Like, Parents of the World, if you try to control us,
462
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,160
this is what we will do to you.
463
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,962
-Thank you. -Hi.
464
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,430
-I'm Ana. -Hi.
465
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,265
Welcome to the "X-Files" experience.
466
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:54,766
Thank you so much for having us.
467
00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:57,002
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God.
468
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:59,138
-"X-Files"-themed food. -So, is this everyone who's coming?
469
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,506
I'm gonna start the show now.
470
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:03,142
Riley: And h-how was your break?
471
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,309
[ Siren wails in distance ]
472
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,711
Great.
473
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:08,247
Yeah, I mean...
474
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:09,715
[ Wailing continues ]
475
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,484
I don't know, I guess a little weird?
476
00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:16,788
My parents don't, um...know.
477
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,591
Oh. I don't know.
478
00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:22,694
We live in this world where it's all like...
479
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:26,064
"You have to tell everything to everyone all the time,"
480
00:19:26,064 --> 00:19:28,667
and maybe it's just... I don't know...
481
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,936
not actually always the best thing?
482
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:33,338
[ Phone chimes ]
483
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:35,741
-Oh! -Oh, shit!
484
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:38,377
-[ Screams ] -Oh, my God!
485
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:39,778
-Aah! -Aah!
486
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:43,015
Ana: I told you. It's good, right?
487
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,784
Arianna: Oh, my God.
488
00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:46,985
Are you okay?
489
00:19:46,985 --> 00:19:48,520
Yeah. Yeah.
490
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,391
Isn't he on a date?
491
00:19:53,892 --> 00:19:55,327
Delilah: Riley! Hey! Do you want to get --
492
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,296
Riley: Sorry, I can't.
493
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,830
Will you just pin her down
494
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,199
and wrap your legs around her face already?
495
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,000
[ Sighs ] What?
496
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:06,004
It's just, like, why is everything always so sexual?
497
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,474
Where are you going with Bo?
498
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:11,977
Uh, roller skating, which I'm trash at,
499
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:14,213
but at least he'll be forced to hold my hand.
500
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,414
[ Chuckles ]
501
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:16,882
♪♪
502
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,884
Wait, you think it's a bad choice?
503
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,820
Hold up. Are you nervous?
504
00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:23,021
Fuck you. Yes.
505
00:20:23,021 --> 00:20:24,923
Yes, I'm nervous.
506
00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:28,794
He's not some, like, older guy who's never gonna be into me,
507
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:32,531
or some suck-my-fisting-dick Grindr guy -- sorry.
508
00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:37,035
He -- He's, like, actual boyfriend material.
509
00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:39,037
Also, over the break, I was like,
510
00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:41,440
"If I turn on the TV and 'Love Actually' is on,
511
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,208
it means I'm marrying Bo."
512
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:44,543
It's always on.
513
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:45,978
What can I say? It was on.
514
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,146
It was on. I asked the universe.
515
00:20:48,146 --> 00:20:49,681
The universe answered.
516
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:51,383
And she was like, "No more unrequited love
517
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:53,485
for you, God bless."
518
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:55,287
[ Children squealing ] Fuck!
519
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:56,822
[ Vomiting ]
520
00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:58,323
Fuck.
521
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,058
Ah!
522
00:21:00,058 --> 00:21:02,894
Captain Hook: Alright, ye scallywags, finish up ye nachos,
523
00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:04,963
because it's almost time for cake.
524
00:21:04,963 --> 00:21:10,202
Boy: Can you stop talking? You have a very annoying voice.
525
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:11,503
Hi. Hi.
526
00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:14,339
Are you okay? Yes.
527
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:15,674
I-I got us some food.
528
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:17,542
Oh, that is so sweet.
529
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:19,911
So, while I was in the bathroom, cleaning up vomit,
530
00:21:19,911 --> 00:21:23,348
um, I was thinking that you being a Taurus
531
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:25,884
is actually the gods being like, "Hey, bitch, pay attention
532
00:21:25,884 --> 00:21:27,719
to this, and make it work," you know?
533
00:21:27,719 --> 00:21:29,721
'Cause I'm a Scorpio, and --
534
00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:31,723
Woman: Tyler, we do not take our clothes off in public!
535
00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:34,426
Miss G-- Miss Google was saying, like, Scorpio and Taurus,
536
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:36,528
they share a personal belief system
537
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:39,097
that goes deeper than the bottom of the ocean.
538
00:21:39,097 --> 00:21:40,899
She also said, like, for physical pleasure,
539
00:21:40,899 --> 00:21:42,701
expect "crackling chemistry,"
540
00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:44,903
but maybe I won't bring that up just yet.
541
00:21:44,903 --> 00:21:46,705
Yeah, I don't know, it's just, like,
542
00:21:46,705 --> 00:21:48,840
the whole thought of u-us meeting on the roof.
543
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,043
Like, I-I feel like the universe
544
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,712
is telling me to take this seriously and pursue it,
545
00:21:53,712 --> 00:21:55,547
either till it's, like, the end-all-be-all,
546
00:21:55,547 --> 00:21:57,182
or until it all falls apart, and one of us gets,
547
00:21:57,182 --> 00:21:58,684
like, epically hurt --
548
00:22:00,085 --> 00:22:01,219
Oh, my God.
549
00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:04,489
Uh. I'm so sorry.
550
00:22:05,757 --> 00:22:07,492
Captain Hook: Please don't pull off me hook.
551
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:10,228
My friend wants to know -- are you Jewish?
552
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:12,864
Girl: Your teeth are very yellow.
553
00:22:12,864 --> 00:22:15,934
[ Indistinct conversations ]
554
00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:18,470
Man: Ah. What did I have in this hat?!
555
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:19,705
Bo: Uh.
556
00:22:19,705 --> 00:22:20,906
Are you okay? Sorry.
557
00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:22,641
No, no. That's...
558
00:22:24,209 --> 00:22:25,444
[ Cellphone vibrating ]
559
00:22:25,444 --> 00:22:27,813
-Whoo! -Oh, very smart.
560
00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:30,582
My -- My mom's calling. Yeah. Yeah.
561
00:22:30,582 --> 00:22:32,017
Hi, Mom.
562
00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,853
Presto chango!
563
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,288
Oh.
564
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:37,823
Do I have to? [ Chuckles ]
565
00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:40,726
Okay.
566
00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:44,996
I'm so sorry, but, um...
567
00:22:44,996 --> 00:22:46,965
my -- my mom...
568
00:22:46,965 --> 00:22:48,567
needs me to come home early,
569
00:22:48,567 --> 00:22:50,335
'cause she has this emergency work,
570
00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:54,272
like, PowerPoint presentation, and she needs my help with it
571
00:22:54,272 --> 00:22:56,475
'cause she can't...
572
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:59,177
do, um...
573
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,546
...technology.
574
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:03,915
S-So, yeah..
575
00:23:03,915 --> 00:23:12,391
♪♪
576
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:13,658
Okay.
577
00:23:13,658 --> 00:23:19,998
♪♪
578
00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:22,300
[ Child squealing in distance ]
579
00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:24,136
♪ Underneath it all ♪
580
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:28,340
♪♪
581
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:31,176
♪ I feel a sadness ♪
582
00:23:31,176 --> 00:23:34,179
♪♪
583
00:23:34,179 --> 00:23:35,747
[ Line ringing ]
584
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:37,282
♪ But there's something beautiful ♪
585
00:23:37,282 --> 00:23:40,619
-Hello. -It was shit, and I hate life.
586
00:23:40,619 --> 00:23:42,621
Riley: I'm sorry.
587
00:23:42,621 --> 00:23:44,256
Come up here.
588
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,024
Eat some cupcakes,
589
00:23:46,024 --> 00:23:50,395
watch some people get abducted by aliens,
590
00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:54,533
and know that everybody up here really loves you.
591
00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:55,901
Okay.
592
00:23:55,901 --> 00:23:59,438
♪ I'm torn apart ♪
593
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:01,673
It sucked. Don't -- Don't ask.
594
00:24:01,673 --> 00:24:03,141
[ Door closes ]
595
00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:04,776
I forgive you for being so late.
596
00:24:04,776 --> 00:24:06,378
Oh, my gosh.
597
00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:07,946
There.
598
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:10,115
Nathan: Dude, do you want me to run it back?
599
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:11,583
No, that's okay.
600
00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:13,552
Here you go.
601
00:24:13,552 --> 00:24:16,188
-Something like what? -I don't know.
602
00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:18,457
This is your Federal Bureau of Impossible Burger, okay?
603
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,691
Oh.
604
00:24:19,691 --> 00:24:21,092
Thank you.
605
00:24:21,092 --> 00:24:22,861
-Yeah. -Does that look like...
606
00:24:22,861 --> 00:24:25,630
Here's a, um, ginger [Chuckling] alien drink.
607
00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:26,665
Woman on TV: Yes.
608
00:24:26,665 --> 00:24:28,166
♪♪
609
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:29,868
[ Chuckles ]
610
00:24:29,868 --> 00:24:33,071
I don't know, but I'm going to find out.
611
00:24:33,071 --> 00:24:34,606
♪♪
612
00:24:34,606 --> 00:24:36,441
[ Indistinct talking on TV ]
613
00:24:36,441 --> 00:24:37,776
[ Sighs ]
614
00:24:37,776 --> 00:24:40,679
♪ 'Cause I'm a lonely man ♪
615
00:24:40,679 --> 00:24:42,047
I'm sorry.
616
00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:44,282
[ Indistinct talking on TV ]
617
00:24:44,282 --> 00:24:46,818
Are you? Man on TV: Why am I less responsible?
618
00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:49,321
'Cause I know you're gonna have my back.
619
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:52,557
I-I, um -- I-I really wanted not to have left that voicemail.
620
00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:54,025
[ Chuckles ] Like -- Like,
621
00:24:54,025 --> 00:24:55,193
as soon as I left it, I was like,
622
00:24:55,193 --> 00:24:56,561
"Ooh, fuck."
623
00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:58,296
Yeah.
624
00:24:58,296 --> 00:25:00,232
No, i-it's all good.
625
00:25:00,232 --> 00:25:03,201
I just -- Like, I --
626
00:25:03,201 --> 00:25:08,273
You know it's never gonna be like that for us, right?
627
00:25:08,273 --> 00:25:09,808
Yeah. No, I know.
628
00:25:09,808 --> 00:25:11,810
I-I was just, like, on drugs that day.
629
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:13,712
No, you weren't.
630
00:25:13,712 --> 00:25:15,180
No, I-I wasn't.
631
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:16,214
♪♪
632
00:25:16,214 --> 00:25:17,682
[ Chuckles ]
633
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,618
Um, but, like, more than anything,
634
00:25:19,618 --> 00:25:24,923
I-I really just want it to, like, not be weird between us.
635
00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:26,725
Yes. Yes. I don't want it to be weird, either.
636
00:25:26,725 --> 00:25:30,529
Like, you're sweet and funny, and I like you.
637
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:35,166
Like, seriously, who wouldn't wanna fuck their clone
638
00:25:35,166 --> 00:25:36,868
if their clone was you? Oh, God.
639
00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:38,637
J: I think the whole premise is that
640
00:25:38,637 --> 00:25:41,806
there's a truth that exists, but, I don't know, does it?
641
00:25:41,806 --> 00:25:44,276
[ Indistinct talking on TV ]
642
00:25:44,276 --> 00:25:45,844
Um...Okay.
643
00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:47,746
Th-- This -- This might be a weird question,
644
00:25:47,746 --> 00:25:49,648
but, like, hopefully not, 'cause we just talked about everything
645
00:25:49,648 --> 00:25:51,616
and I'm, like, super clear about us,
646
00:25:51,616 --> 00:25:54,486
and there not being an us.
647
00:25:54,486 --> 00:25:56,588
But -- But basically...
648
00:25:56,588 --> 00:25:58,623
I had this whole thing with my mom, and she was,
649
00:25:58,623 --> 00:26:00,292
like, freaking out, and so, I decided to mess with her,
650
00:26:00,292 --> 00:26:01,826
and I told her I have a boyfriend.
651
00:26:01,826 --> 00:26:03,795
Wait. Who's your boyfriend?
652
00:26:03,795 --> 00:26:05,263
Oh. Oh, I don't have one.
653
00:26:05,263 --> 00:26:06,565
I just said that to fuck with her.
654
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:07,799
Impressive.
655
00:26:07,799 --> 00:26:09,868
Thanks.
656
00:26:09,868 --> 00:26:13,138
Um, so -- so, basically, the -- the question is...
657
00:26:14,539 --> 00:26:18,076
...would you ever, like... I don't know, like,
658
00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:20,579
like, hug me or something in front of my mom,
659
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:23,081
so she doesn't think I'm lying?
660
00:26:23,081 --> 00:26:25,951
You...You want me, as your friend,
661
00:26:25,951 --> 00:26:29,621
to pretend to be your boyfriend?
662
00:26:29,621 --> 00:26:31,656
Sort of? [ Chuckles ]
663
00:26:31,656 --> 00:26:34,960
Won't that be confusing for you?
664
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,628
No. Definitely not.
665
00:26:38,997 --> 00:26:41,800
So, I would be helping out a friend,
666
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,202
but also messing with
667
00:26:44,202 --> 00:26:47,172
a homophobic Evangelical white woman?
668
00:26:47,172 --> 00:26:49,507
♪♪
669
00:26:49,507 --> 00:26:51,076
-Bye. -Bye.
670
00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:53,144
-Bye. -Wait, wait, wait.
671
00:26:53,144 --> 00:26:55,714
-Can she see me? -Yep.
672
00:26:55,714 --> 00:26:57,015
Nathan: Is her head exploding?
673
00:26:57,015 --> 00:26:58,650
-Yep. -Thank you.
674
00:26:58,650 --> 00:27:01,052
You're seriously such a good friend.
675
00:27:01,052 --> 00:27:03,755
How bad do you want to mess with her?
676
00:27:03,755 --> 00:27:05,156
Really bad.
677
00:27:05,156 --> 00:27:06,391
Are you sure?
678
00:27:08,426 --> 00:27:18,169
♪♪
679
00:27:18,169 --> 00:27:19,337
[ Laughs ]
680
00:27:19,337 --> 00:27:23,842
-Shake 'em! -Whoo! [ Laughs ]
681
00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:25,243
♪ This was never ♪
682
00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:27,445
Whoo! ♪ The way I planned ♪
683
00:27:27,445 --> 00:27:28,647
Yeah!
684
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:29,848
♪ Not my intention ♪
685
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:31,383
[ Cheers in distance ]
686
00:27:31,383 --> 00:27:35,353
♪ I got so brave, drink in hand ♪
687
00:27:35,353 --> 00:27:38,590
♪ Lost my discretion ♪ Whoo!
688
00:27:38,590 --> 00:27:42,827
♪ It's not what good boys do ♪ Whoo! Whoo!
689
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:46,297
♪ Not how they should behave ♪
690
00:27:46,297 --> 00:27:50,368
♪ My head gets so confused ♪ Oh!
691
00:27:50,368 --> 00:27:53,705
♪ Hard to obey ♪
692
00:27:53,705 --> 00:27:57,075
♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪
693
00:27:57,075 --> 00:28:00,879
♪ The taste of his cherry ChapStick ♪
694
00:28:00,879 --> 00:28:04,416
♪ I kissed a boy just to try it ♪
695
00:28:04,416 --> 00:28:08,219
♪ I hope my girlfriend don't mind it ♪
696
00:28:08,219 --> 00:28:10,255
♪ It felt so wrong ♪
697
00:28:10,255 --> 00:28:12,057
♪ It felt so right ♪
698
00:28:12,057 --> 00:28:15,727
♪ Don't mean I'm in love tonight ♪
699
00:28:15,727 --> 00:28:20,331
♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪
700
00:28:20,331 --> 00:28:21,433
♪♪
701
00:28:21,433 --> 00:28:24,302
♪ I liked it ♪
702
00:28:24,302 --> 00:28:26,504
♪♪
703
00:28:26,504 --> 00:28:28,840
♪ Not how they should behave ♪
704
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:32,777
♪ My head gets so confused ♪
705
00:28:32,777 --> 00:28:36,147
♪ Hard to obey ♪
706
00:28:36,147 --> 00:28:39,651
♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪
707
00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:43,455
♪ The taste of his cherry ChapStick ♪
708
00:28:43,455 --> 00:28:47,158
♪ I kissed a boy just to try it ♪
709
00:28:47,158 --> 00:28:51,062
♪ I hope my girlfriend don't mind it ♪
710
00:28:51,062 --> 00:28:52,964
♪ It felt so wrong ♪
711
00:28:52,964 --> 00:28:55,066
♪ It felt so right ♪
712
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:58,503
♪ Don't mean I'm in love tonight ♪
713
00:28:58,503 --> 00:29:03,475
♪ I kissed a boy, and I liked it ♪
714
00:29:03,475 --> 00:29:04,576
♪♪
715
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:08,012
♪ I liked it ♪
49581
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