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1
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,218
Darling, are you okay?
2
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,487
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
3
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,322
Something is wrong with Laszlo.
4
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,491
It has been like this
a few weeks now.
5
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:27,527
He just sits in the library,
staring off into space.
6
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,229
I have never seen
him like this before.
7
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:32,232
Laszlo, I've just
been reading this book
8
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,267
about the Battle
Of Quiberon Bay.
9
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,202
Could you explain to me
the difference between
10
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:40,073
an Endymion-class
frigate and a brigantine?
11
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,943
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
12
00:00:42,944 --> 00:00:44,811
I fear I am to blame.
13
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,513
Laszlo is so worried
about this hex
14
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,281
that is ruining my eternal life
15
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,250
that he is emotionally depleted.
16
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,785
Sadly, I think it is
17
00:00:51,786 --> 00:00:53,887
because his world
has been rocked
18
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,489
by the fact that I am
in such a good place.
19
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:59,793
Actually, I keep
having these dreams
20
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,429
where I'm a small child,
21
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,265
and Laszlo is... my daddy.
22
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,201
That is actually because
that did happen, Colin Robinson.
23
00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:11,338
I think I would remember
Laszlo wiping my bottom.
24
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,906
It's 'cause he did.
25
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,307
Though, to be fair, that...
26
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,343
that is what's happening
27
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,211
- in-in the dream.
- Ew. - Please stop.
28
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,813
Laszlo?
29
00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,147
Laszlo?
30
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,916
Yeah, it's my fault.
31
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,284
Laszlo's been working
so hard to figure out
32
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,952
why I'm not a full vampire yet.
33
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,988
And Laszlo hates defeat, so, -
34
00:01:27,989 --> 00:01:29,289
I think it's broken his brain.
35
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,257
Laszlo, I just want you
36
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,424
to know that it's okay.
37
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,926
- You did your best.
- Gizmo?
38
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,028
Yes. Yes, I'm here for you.
39
00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:36,329
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
40
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:39,032
Even his libido is out of whack.
41
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:42,068
I mean, we are down to,
like, only 16 fucks a week.
42
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:44,237
We are down to just three.
43
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,374
I can't even get enough
of a rise out of him
44
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,908
for a mini-drain.
45
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,810
Good Lord. Ooh!
46
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:54,948
Does the limited warranty
cover the power cord, or just
47
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,217
- the main unit itself?
- Ooh, I have been hammering so hard
48
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,753
- on these big nails.
- Good one, Jimbo. You got me there.
49
00:01:59,754 --> 00:02:01,788
- Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure.
- Ooh. Ooh.
50
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,290
Let's pound some rivets, baby.
51
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,991
Look what I found.
52
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,093
A big box of ships
and pornography.
53
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,229
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
54
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,300
Anything?
55
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,369
There are no stupid ideas,
56
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,738
just stupid people.
57
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,340
What do we know about Laszlo?
58
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,241
Guillermo, you spend
59
00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:58,044
a lot of your life being
very miserable and sad.
60
00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,080
Do you have any ideas?
61
00:03:00,081 --> 00:03:03,116
- Okay.
- Is it all right if I pitch an idea?
62
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:06,953
What about if we
threw Laszlo a roast?
63
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:10,390
Right? Where we all give
funny speeches about Laszlo,
64
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,058
kind of tease him a little bit,
65
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:14,327
and it just makes him so
happy for some reason?
66
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:18,398
- Hold on! I've got one.
- Yes?
67
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,466
Nope. Lost it.
68
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,767
What if...
69
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,135
Hear me out on this...
70
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,505
What if we threw Laszlo a roast?
71
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,740
Love that idea!
72
00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,175
Now, this is an idea I like!
73
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,978
- I just said that.
- How did you think of that?
74
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:34,179
- I said it so loud.
- Well done, Colin.
75
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:38,051
No peeking, cheeky.
76
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,955
Surprise!
77
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,930
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the official roast
78
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,167
of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!
79
00:03:56,404 --> 00:04:00,507
Yes, Laszlo, this
night is for you.
80
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,409
Just look at this crowd!
81
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:05,245
We gathered all
82
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:09,249
the people that love
you into this one room.
83
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,184
And then when we
saw all the empty chairs,
84
00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:14,087
we decided to drag some
randos in off the street to fill them!
85
00:04:16,791 --> 00:04:20,961
So many illustrious guests
here on the dais tonight.
86
00:04:20,962 --> 00:04:23,029
And also Colin Robinson.
87
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,267
He got me. I got got.
88
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,036
Our neighbor Sean is here.
89
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,872
Hey-yo! -
Don't worry. we hypnotized him
90
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,809
so he's not gonna
remember anything tomorrow.
91
00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:38,178
- Seanie.
- Seanie.
92
00:04:38,179 --> 00:04:42,282
I see the great Baron
Afanas is here this evening,
93
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:46,920
restored to his original
splendor, thank goodness.
94
00:04:46,921 --> 00:04:49,856
For a couple of years,
the baron looked a lot like
95
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,193
if George Hamilton had
had sex with some pork rinds.
96
00:04:55,196 --> 00:04:58,298
I see that The Guide is also here.
97
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:05,005
So, everyone, please join me
98
00:05:05,006 --> 00:05:07,073
in saluting the man of the hour,
99
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,010
the one, the only
Laszlo Cravensworth.
100
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,747
We've known each other
so many, many years,
101
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,215
you know.
102
00:05:15,216 --> 00:05:17,851
We can practically finish
each other's hand jobs.
103
00:05:17,852 --> 00:05:19,452
Yes,
yes, very good. Thank you.
104
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,154
We are just getting
started. It is your roast.
105
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,156
A one, a two, a
one, two, three, four.
106
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,991
It's Laszlo's roast.
107
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,260
- It is his...
- Roast.
108
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,162
- It's Laszlo's...
- Roast!
109
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,864
We'll be back right after this.
110
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,804
If you think the
missionary position involves
111
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:39,072
lying on top of a missionary,
112
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:42,242
you might be a
Laszlo Cravensworth!
113
00:05:42,243 --> 00:05:44,778
If the first thing
114
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,447
you look for in a
woman is your dick,
115
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,182
you might just be...
116
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,785
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
117
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,520
Hey!
118
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,256
If you think ejaculating
onto the pillow counts
119
00:05:56,257 --> 00:06:00,093
as "cooking your wife
dinner," you might just be...
120
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,395
A Laszlo Cravensworth.
121
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,767
Women can be funny.
122
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,970
Ooh.
123
00:06:09,971 --> 00:06:12,238
Some describe Laszlo
124
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,041
as a man of arts and letters.
125
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,846
I can think of a couple of
letters to describe Laszlo.
126
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,883
"F" and "W."
127
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:28,321
No, not "W." "U."
128
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,857
Sorry. It was
supposed to be "F" and...
129
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,926
I think I'm just going
130
00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:34,928
to tell a story.
131
00:06:34,929 --> 00:06:38,064
A story called
"The Aristocrats."
132
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,801
Shit. I wasn't supposed
to say the name till the end.
133
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,470
Forget I said the name of it.
134
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:46,773
Um, anyway, a
father, a mother, a son
135
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:50,977
and a daughter walk
into a talent agent's office.
136
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,912
And the... the father says,
137
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,482
"Boy, have I got
an act for you!"
138
00:06:55,483 --> 00:07:00,220
And the talent agent
says, "Well, let's see it then."
139
00:07:00,221 --> 00:07:02,922
And-and there's a... a dog.
140
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,859
The family dog.
That's important to note.
141
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:11,464
Up next, we have a man
142
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:16,469
who knows more about
roasting than his beloved Arby's.
143
00:07:18,306 --> 00:07:21,441
When this guy starts roasting a vampire,
144
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:24,844
you better bring a bun,
and also some ketchup.
145
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,447
I don't get it.
146
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:30,850
I did whisper to the baron that
147
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:33,053
it was Guillermo
who opened the door
148
00:07:33,054 --> 00:07:36,356
that let the sun come in to
burn his body into bits, you know,
149
00:07:36,357 --> 00:07:38,058
a few years ago because
150
00:07:38,059 --> 00:07:39,993
he didn't know
what the joke was.
151
00:07:39,994 --> 00:07:42,462
And I was trying to help him,
'cause being left out of a joke,
152
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:43,997
it sucks.
153
00:07:43,998 --> 00:07:45,932
So give it up for an expert
154
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,867
on raking 'em over the coals,
155
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,169
or should I say the foyer rug...
156
00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:50,503
Okay, okay. Thank you.
157
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,072
And then I did also mention
158
00:07:52,073 --> 00:07:53,974
that Guillermo had
Van Helsing lineage.
159
00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:56,209
That one just slipped out.
160
00:07:56,210 --> 00:08:00,447
So, we are all here tonight
to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.
161
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:03,450
Cravensworth? I'm more like,
162
00:08:03,451 --> 00:08:05,919
Cravensworth-less.
163
00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:09,990
Might I say a word or two?
164
00:08:09,991 --> 00:08:12,192
Yes, absolutely,
Baron. Please vacate
165
00:08:12,193 --> 00:08:14,928
the microphone for the
baron. Please welcome a man
166
00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:18,932
who knows quite a
lot about... sick burns.
167
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,970
Baron Afanas.
168
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,378
Look at this festive assembly.
169
00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:33,780
All of us, gathered
here together,
170
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:36,349
chuckling at
jokes and silliness.
171
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,918
And jackanapery.
172
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,989
I guess there's only
one thing left to say.
173
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:45,959
What is this shit?
174
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,095
Very good.
175
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,464
You call yourselves vampires?
176
00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:55,001
Bah. This entire evening
has been nothing but
177
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,437
a pageant of insipid nonsense.
178
00:08:57,438 --> 00:08:59,306
Yes.
179
00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:02,842
Worshipping at the altar of
your own mediocre frivolity.
180
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,312
A jester's hollow dance.
181
00:09:05,313 --> 00:09:06,813
And who is laughing?
182
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,315
Yeah!
183
00:09:10,518 --> 00:09:12,218
Vampires are supposed to have
184
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,956
blood orgies and
slaughter circles.
185
00:09:15,957 --> 00:09:18,191
You have all gone soft.
186
00:09:18,192 --> 00:09:21,461
You even invited humans
to this asinine affair.
187
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:22,929
All right, you know
what? Sean is cool.
188
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,197
He's a good time. I
take that one back.
189
00:09:24,198 --> 00:09:26,466
But everything else
is an embarrassment
190
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:28,869
to the very word "vampire."
191
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,371
Baron, we just were
192
00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:33,807
trying to, you know,
cheer up Laszlo a bit.
193
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:36,076
He just hasn't
been himself lately.
194
00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:39,346
Vampires do not
need cheering up!
195
00:09:39,347 --> 00:09:42,248
We vampires
196
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,451
are not cheerful creatures.
197
00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:47,821
We sit, and we brood,
for centuries on end,
198
00:09:47,822 --> 00:09:51,458
plotting the demise of our foes
and innocent bystanders alike!
199
00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:54,327
Okay, I guess we didn't
really see it like that...
200
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,796
And the worst part?
201
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,332
I find out only tonight
202
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,101
that you have all been keeping
203
00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:04,337
secrets around
here, have you not?
204
00:10:04,338 --> 00:10:09,476
For years, I now know that
you have been harboring
205
00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:13,246
a vampire killer...
206
00:10:13,247 --> 00:10:15,949
right here under
your own roof...
207
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:21,087
who, in fact, tried to kill me.
208
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,956
- - What?
- What vampire...
209
00:10:22,957 --> 00:10:24,924
Do not insult my intelligence!
210
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:28,762
So, vampire killer.
211
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,801
Do you have anything
to say for yourself?
212
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,169
Well, I...
213
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,438
It doesn't matter what
you have to say! Seize him!
214
00:10:38,439 --> 00:10:40,507
Run!
215
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:53,787
Baron, show him mercy!
216
00:10:53,788 --> 00:10:56,323
Let us give you the
very simple explanation!
217
00:11:04,999 --> 00:11:06,800
- Guillermo.
- Guillermo.
218
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:08,201
Are-are you o...
219
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,971
- Behind you.
- What?
220
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,376
- Ooh.
- Laszlo?
221
00:11:16,377 --> 00:11:19,512
- Laszlo!
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
222
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,195
Baron, stop!
223
00:11:35,196 --> 00:11:37,931
- It was just a mix-em-up!
- A whoopsie-daisy!
224
00:11:37,932 --> 00:11:39,532
Stay out of this!
225
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:58,251
- Don't film this.
- Okay.
226
00:11:58,252 --> 00:12:00,186
- Hey, guys.
- Not now!
227
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,988
I just wanted to
take a quick moment
228
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,990
to apologize for
telling the baron
229
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,059
that it was Guillermo
who burned him to a crisp.
230
00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:07,827
- Not now.
- That's on me.
231
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,030
- Are you done?
- Sorry.
232
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,966
You know what, Nandor? I
think let's just sit this one out.
233
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,801
Let them two sort it
out between themselves.
234
00:12:18,439 --> 00:12:21,808
You are forgetting that
Guillermo is a vampire killer.
235
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,443
Which means he
could kill the baron.
236
00:12:23,444 --> 00:12:25,912
We are direct descendants
of the baron's vampiric line,
237
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,480
which means we would all die.
238
00:12:27,481 --> 00:12:29,916
Maybe it wouldn't
be such a bad thing
239
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,184
- if we ended up dying?
- Wh... Are you okay?
240
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,786
Yeah.
241
00:12:32,787 --> 00:12:34,788
I've just been going
through a lot lately.
242
00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:36,823
So... Fine.
243
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,760
If we want to live, then
yes, I do have a plan.
244
00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:46,933
Guillermo?
245
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,468
Nadja, anything?
246
00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:49,970
No!
247
00:12:49,971 --> 00:12:51,771
No sign of Gizmo or the baron.
248
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,306
Wait. Hang on. Hey!
249
00:12:53,307 --> 00:12:55,475
Come here, you little shit!
250
00:12:55,476 --> 00:12:56,843
Shit.
251
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,111
- What?
- I got him!
252
00:12:58,112 --> 00:12:59,179
Meet me out front!
253
00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:02,816
She's got him! I'm coming!
254
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:07,454
- You got Guillermo?
- No. The baron.
255
00:13:07,455 --> 00:13:09,522
Are you telling me
Baron Afanas cannot fight
256
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,191
his way out of a burlap sack?
257
00:13:11,192 --> 00:13:12,492
I think he's injured.
258
00:13:12,493 --> 00:13:14,461
We had quite the
scuffle in there.
259
00:13:14,462 --> 00:13:16,062
How badly is he hurt?
260
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,464
- There you are.
- Because if he dies...
261
00:13:17,465 --> 00:13:18,865
- Yes, we know.
- Shut up, Guillermo.
262
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,800
Guillermo, help me.
263
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:24,371
These two imbeciles,
they are trying to kill me.
264
00:13:24,372 --> 00:13:26,906
You know, if you help the
baron, he might forgive you.
265
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:30,944
Yeah. Okay, Baron.
I want to help you.
266
00:13:30,945 --> 00:13:33,213
- But you have to promise not to hurt me.
- Yes.
267
00:13:33,214 --> 00:13:35,048
- I promise. Please.
- Okay, then.
268
00:13:35,049 --> 00:13:36,516
Let's just get you out of
here. You're gonna be safe.
269
00:13:36,517 --> 00:13:38,518
And... -
270
00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:41,087
All right, dudes.
271
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:42,088
Now what?
272
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,923
Yoo-hoo?
273
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,325
Baron?
274
00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:47,527
We've got the little
motherfucker, Baron!
275
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,398
Nicely done.
276
00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,266
And now? Leave him to me.
277
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,835
Baron, we ask that you
show Guillermo mercy.
278
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,938
No!
279
00:14:02,476 --> 00:14:04,077
What is the meaning of this?
280
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,947
- Sorry.
- Terribly.
281
00:14:08,783 --> 00:14:11,117
So, to review again, Baron...
282
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,119
You agree that
283
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,221
when Guillermo opened the door
284
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,190
and fried you by the sun,
285
00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:20,193
he did not know that you
were inside at the time?
286
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,928
I do.
287
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,363
Great. And, Guillermo,
288
00:14:23,364 --> 00:14:25,999
you accept, even
though it was an accident,
289
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,436
that the baron has
every right to be very mad
290
00:14:29,437 --> 00:14:32,205
at the fact that he
got fried by the sun?
291
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:33,840
I-I do.
292
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,176
I will accept your
apology if you will accept
293
00:14:36,177 --> 00:14:38,778
- the fact that I'm still going to kill you.
- What?
294
00:14:38,779 --> 00:14:41,114
- No. No.
- Guillermo, he is trying to meet you in the middle here.
295
00:14:41,115 --> 00:14:44,217
- Come on.
- It's like he doesn't even want this to be resolved.
296
00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:46,186
By my killing him.
297
00:14:46,187 --> 00:14:47,854
No, I do want this
to be resolved, but...
298
00:14:47,855 --> 00:14:49,456
Okay, you know what?
Let's take a hard five.
299
00:14:49,457 --> 00:14:52,893
Guillermo, I will take a
carafe of your finest blood.
300
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:57,097
Yes. Okay. I will fetch.
301
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,199
Baron Afanas?
302
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,234
Yes, snake?
303
00:15:02,870 --> 00:15:05,805
I can't help my
vampire hunter lineage,
304
00:15:05,806 --> 00:15:08,375
but I want you to know
that I have renounced it.
305
00:15:08,376 --> 00:15:11,177
And how did you do this?
306
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,180
Guillermo?
This is dangerous territory.
307
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,182
I...
308
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,085
got turned into a vampire.
309
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,320
You...
310
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,790
are a vampire?
311
00:15:23,791 --> 00:15:27,761
Guillermo is a vampire?
Did everybody else know this?
312
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,464
Delicious.
313
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:37,904
Such a flamboyant,
perverse betrayal of your own kind.
314
00:15:37,905 --> 00:15:40,240
I like it a lot.
315
00:15:40,241 --> 00:15:41,808
And kudos to Nandor.
316
00:15:41,809 --> 00:15:44,344
To turn a Van Helsing,
317
00:15:44,345 --> 00:15:47,080
a vampire killer,
into a vampire?
318
00:15:47,081 --> 00:15:49,049
That is a big get.
319
00:15:49,050 --> 00:15:50,817
I must congratulate
him when he returns.
320
00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:51,851
Well, see, that's the thing.
321
00:15:51,852 --> 00:15:54,354
It wasn't Nandor that turned me.
322
00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:55,855
What?
323
00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:58,191
It was that vampire named Derek.
324
00:15:58,192 --> 00:16:00,060
How could you do such a thing?
325
00:16:00,061 --> 00:16:01,328
I've just been waiting
for this a long time,
326
00:16:01,329 --> 00:16:03,830
and yeah, it's still
a bit sticky, but...
327
00:16:03,831 --> 00:16:05,532
"sticky"?
328
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:09,002
I think it is a bit more
than just "sticky."
329
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:13,173
It is a devastation.
A violation.
330
00:16:13,174 --> 00:16:15,075
A humiliation!
331
00:16:15,076 --> 00:16:18,044
A shame from which neither
you nor Nandor shall ever recover.
332
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,080
I know, I know, and that's
exactly why I haven't told him.
333
00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:22,315
And I would appreciate
it if none of you
334
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:23,917
tell him, either.
335
00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:25,952
You know me,
I'm-I'm like a vault...
336
00:16:25,953 --> 00:16:27,387
with stuff.
337
00:16:27,388 --> 00:16:30,824
Yeah, and I'm not gonna
tell anyone anything.
338
00:16:30,825 --> 00:16:33,126
In fact, I'd very much like
339
00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:36,830
to be excluded
from this narrative.
340
00:16:36,831 --> 00:16:39,332
Me, too. I should go.
341
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,967
Guillermo, you
and I? We are good.
342
00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:42,802
You all have much graver matters
343
00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,471
to discuss here,
344
00:16:44,472 --> 00:16:47,774
and I want no part of
what might transpire if...
345
00:16:47,775 --> 00:16:51,311
Here we go! Blood
for the vampires.
346
00:16:51,312 --> 00:16:52,445
Baron.
347
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,448
And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.
348
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,051
- Thank you.
- So, what did I miss?
349
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,321
Guillermo and I have
350
00:17:01,322 --> 00:17:03,923
called a truce.
351
00:17:03,924 --> 00:17:06,926
A truce? So, you are
not killing him, then?
352
00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:09,529
Well, I will not be the one
353
00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:12,132
to take this
familiar's life tonight.
354
00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:13,466
That's great.
355
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,934
Good to hear.
356
00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:17,037
So good, in fact,
I propose a toast.
357
00:17:17,038 --> 00:17:19,306
To the baron, to Guillermo,
358
00:17:19,307 --> 00:17:21,441
to the work we have
achieved tonight.
359
00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,743
Cheers!
360
00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:27,814
- That's sweet.
- May I?
361
00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:34,454
If I could have a moment
alone with Guillermo?
362
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,191
Alone.
363
00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:39,793
Yeah, no, please.
364
00:17:39,794 --> 00:17:41,328
- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes, thank you, Baron.
365
00:17:41,329 --> 00:17:43,263
Thank you.
366
00:17:44,966 --> 00:17:49,036
Guillermo, vampire to vampire...
367
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,938
A secret like this,
368
00:17:51,939 --> 00:17:54,474
it will not stay hidden forever.
369
00:17:54,475 --> 00:17:57,978
It is best that Nandor
hears it from you.
370
00:17:57,979 --> 00:17:59,913
I know.
371
00:17:59,914 --> 00:18:01,915
But...
372
00:18:01,916 --> 00:18:03,984
what do you think he'll do?
373
00:18:03,985 --> 00:18:05,952
Probably kill you.
374
00:18:05,953 --> 00:18:07,821
Then himself.
375
00:18:07,822 --> 00:18:09,322
That is what I would do.
376
00:18:09,323 --> 00:18:12,325
Right.
377
00:18:12,326 --> 00:18:14,961
You know, it's funny,
I did all this because
378
00:18:14,962 --> 00:18:17,964
I want to be a vampire,
a great vampire.
379
00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:20,934
Like Nandor, like you.
380
00:18:20,935 --> 00:18:23,470
Your heart is in the
right place, my boy.
381
00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,439
And please know that I
am rooting for you?
382
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,476
- To not get killed.
- Thank you.
383
00:18:29,477 --> 00:18:32,445
- But... these things happen.
- Well, I hope not.
384
00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:34,914
Can't afford another
accident on my watch.
385
00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:37,183
No! No!
386
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,319
- Guillermo, no! No, no!
- No!
387
00:18:48,095 --> 00:18:49,963
Well, things were almost okay.
388
00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:53,166
But now, not so much.
389
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:56,102
As soon as the sun sets
and the baron is awoken,
390
00:18:56,103 --> 00:18:58,171
he is going to track
Guillermo down until he is
391
00:18:58,172 --> 00:18:59,940
very much, well...
392
00:18:59,941 --> 00:19:01,808
- Dead.
- Shut up.
393
00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:04,077
I'm sure he will be safe.
394
00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:05,845
And dead.
395
00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:08,949
Sunset approaches.
396
00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:12,452
Is it me, or does he look
like a shriveled-up nutsack?
397
00:19:12,453 --> 00:19:16,957
- Laszlo? Any ideas?
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
398
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,131
Good evening.
399
00:19:25,132 --> 00:19:26,800
- Baron, listen. Guillermo is...
- Where was I?
400
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,502
Yes. About to
kill Guillermo, yes.
401
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:32,005
Baron, I... I beg mercy.
402
00:19:32,006 --> 00:19:34,908
I know that Guillermo
has made some mistakes.
403
00:19:34,909 --> 00:19:36,343
He nearly killed you twice.
404
00:19:36,344 --> 00:19:39,179
And he's even massacred
405
00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:41,214
an entire theater of vampires.
406
00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:42,782
Wait, what?
407
00:19:42,783 --> 00:19:45,218
But he did so to
defend his master.
408
00:19:45,219 --> 00:19:47,487
Whatever Guillermo's
flaws may be,
409
00:19:47,488 --> 00:19:50,056
he has always been loyal to me.
410
00:19:50,057 --> 00:19:52,225
- Has he?
- Yes, Baron.
411
00:19:53,961 --> 00:19:55,528
Has he, though?
412
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,464
Yes, Baron, he has.
413
00:19:57,465 --> 00:19:58,932
You are certain of...
414
00:19:58,933 --> 00:20:00,900
Yes! I-I am.
415
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:03,503
Well, I would just
say it is complicated,
416
00:20:03,504 --> 00:20:06,339
but we can discuss this
further after I kill him, yes?
417
00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:09,409
Now, where would he run?
418
00:20:10,745 --> 00:20:13,146
I will need Guillermo's scent.
419
00:20:13,147 --> 00:20:14,748
I say, Baron,
420
00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,116
if you're looking for
Gizmo, he's not here.
421
00:20:16,117 --> 00:20:17,917
You'll find him in the toolshed.
422
00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,453
That's where he
goes to hide and wank.
423
00:20:21,055 --> 00:20:22,255
Thank you.
424
00:20:22,256 --> 00:20:24,791
Why would you say that?
425
00:20:24,792 --> 00:20:26,493
Well, why delay the inevitable?
426
00:20:26,494 --> 00:20:29,296
Plus, I was sick of
hearing you lot waffle on.
427
00:20:29,297 --> 00:20:31,365
If you'll excuse me...
428
00:20:37,872 --> 00:20:39,273
Guillermo!
429
00:20:40,808 --> 00:20:44,110
Well, at least he died
doing what he loved:
430
00:20:44,111 --> 00:20:46,112
beating off in the toolshed.
431
00:20:48,983 --> 00:20:51,918
No.
432
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:57,490
Okay, now I'm starting
to feel a little bad.
433
00:20:57,491 --> 00:21:00,827
But on the bright side,
he-he was just a familiar.
434
00:21:00,828 --> 00:21:03,163
He was not just a familiar.
435
00:21:03,164 --> 00:21:05,098
He was my bodyguard.
436
00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:07,500
He was the best
man at my wedding.
437
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:09,069
He was my friend.
438
00:21:09,070 --> 00:21:11,371
Okay, yes, yes.
It is all very sad.
439
00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:12,906
But I think we should
now get him in the ground
440
00:21:12,907 --> 00:21:14,407
before he starts to stink.
441
00:21:14,408 --> 00:21:18,178
Laszlo, can you come
and help carry this, please?
442
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,748
- That's not Gizmo.
- What do you mean it's not Gizmo?
443
00:21:21,749 --> 00:21:23,016
What I mean is...
444
00:21:24,018 --> 00:21:25,251
it's not Gizmo.
445
00:21:25,252 --> 00:21:27,220
- What are you doing?
- Stand aside.
446
00:21:27,221 --> 00:21:28,822
Laszlo, what are you doing?
447
00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:30,290
Laszlo, I do not think
we need to eat him.
448
00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:31,825
- - Ooh, yeesh!
- Stop that!
449
00:21:31,826 --> 00:21:33,326
Stop that!
450
00:21:35,396 --> 00:21:36,863
Eesh.
451
00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:39,499
Does Gizmo have gills?
452
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,067
- You mean lungs?
- I mean gills.
453
00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:42,836
So he can breathe underwater.
454
00:21:42,837 --> 00:21:44,404
And does he have an
amphibious egg sac?
455
00:21:44,405 --> 00:21:47,374
- Maybe?
- He never said. I never asked.
456
00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:49,376
He wore a lot of layers.
457
00:21:49,377 --> 00:21:51,444
It was hard to see what
was going on under all that.
458
00:21:51,445 --> 00:21:53,947
Why do his eyes look like that?
459
00:21:53,948 --> 00:21:55,315
It's not Gizmo.
It's a byproduct of
460
00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:58,351
my scientific
experimentation gone awry.
461
00:21:58,352 --> 00:22:00,787
So, where is the
real Guillermo, then?
462
00:22:00,788 --> 00:22:02,422
Fucked if I know.
Excuse me, my darling.
463
00:22:02,423 --> 00:22:05,025
You know what?
464
00:22:05,026 --> 00:22:07,460
I will let him go.
465
00:22:07,461 --> 00:22:09,529
After all of that?
466
00:22:09,530 --> 00:22:12,198
I was going on and
on about all of you
467
00:22:12,199 --> 00:22:14,167
and how you've gone soft.
468
00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:16,003
Deep down...
469
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:20,006
it is I who have gone soft.
470
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:21,741
- What?
- No.
471
00:22:21,742 --> 00:22:24,878
- Ridiculous.
- Let us be candid here.
472
00:22:24,879 --> 00:22:28,214
I live in the suburbs
of New Jersey.
473
00:22:28,215 --> 00:22:30,984
In a two-bedroom craftsman
474
00:22:30,985 --> 00:22:33,086
with a breakfast nook.
475
00:22:34,455 --> 00:22:35,855
- Hello.
- None of my neighbors
476
00:22:35,856 --> 00:22:38,058
live in fear of me.
477
00:22:38,059 --> 00:22:39,793
I have a dog.
478
00:22:39,794 --> 00:22:42,062
A hellhound, but I get it.
479
00:22:42,063 --> 00:22:43,463
Good boy.
480
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:48,868
But what about the Sire?
481
00:22:48,869 --> 00:22:52,172
Two ancient legendary vampires.
482
00:22:52,173 --> 00:22:56,009
At this point, we are
more like roommates
483
00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:59,012
than roommates who
viciously murder humans
484
00:22:59,013 --> 00:23:00,914
together, you know?
485
00:23:00,915 --> 00:23:04,751
It can be lonely,
this American dream.
486
00:23:06,087 --> 00:23:07,854
What the fuck is that?
487
00:23:07,855 --> 00:23:09,522
- Laszlo!
- What is it now?
488
00:23:09,523 --> 00:23:11,458
Well, that one's
clearly pregnant.
489
00:23:17,164 --> 00:23:20,867
It's hard to believe I'll
never see Guillermo again.
490
00:23:20,868 --> 00:23:23,270
I hope he is okay out there.
491
00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:28,441
Pretty sure I told
him to dust in here.
492
00:23:28,442 --> 00:23:31,178
Fly like the wind,
my little friend.
493
00:23:35,949 --> 00:23:38,184
Guillermo! You're here.
494
00:23:38,185 --> 00:23:39,486
I just figured this would be
495
00:23:39,487 --> 00:23:41,121
the last place the
Baron would look.
496
00:23:41,122 --> 00:23:42,822
- Is he still looking?
- No, no. But hang on.
497
00:23:42,823 --> 00:23:45,292
We've had one
mix-up already today.
498
00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,927
How do I know you
are the real Guillermo?
499
00:23:47,928 --> 00:23:49,229
Master, it's me.
500
00:23:49,230 --> 00:23:51,364
What is Guillermo's last name?
501
00:23:51,365 --> 00:23:53,066
De La Cruz.
502
00:23:53,067 --> 00:23:54,768
But I doubt I'm the only
one who would know that.
503
00:23:54,769 --> 00:23:57,504
You'd be surprised,
but fine. It's a gimme.
504
00:23:57,505 --> 00:24:01,875
How does Guillermo do
my hair on formal occasions?
505
00:24:01,876 --> 00:24:05,111
- Half up, half down.
- Also known as...?
506
00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:07,380
Half down, half up?
507
00:24:07,381 --> 00:24:08,748
So close.
508
00:24:08,749 --> 00:24:11,084
I was looking for
"Saratoga split."
509
00:24:11,085 --> 00:24:13,219
The Saratoga Split.
510
00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:15,121
- I should have known that one.
- Last one.
511
00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:17,991
The first day that Guillermo
became my familiar,
512
00:24:17,992 --> 00:24:19,326
he gave me a card.
513
00:24:19,894 --> 00:24:22,095
What did that card say?
514
00:24:22,096 --> 00:24:23,830
It said...
515
00:24:25,232 --> 00:24:29,336
"To be a vampire is my dream.
516
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:31,171
"But to be your familiar
517
00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:32,873
"will be my honor.
518
00:24:34,341 --> 00:24:37,277
Thank you for this opportunity."
519
00:24:37,278 --> 00:24:38,812
Close enough.
520
00:24:38,813 --> 00:24:41,915
Okay, you're the real
Guillermo. Excuse me.
521
00:24:41,916 --> 00:24:43,416
I can't believe
you remember that.
522
00:24:43,417 --> 00:24:45,485
We have a long
history, Guillermo.
523
00:24:45,486 --> 00:24:49,323
I imagine that I know you
better than almost anyone.
524
00:24:51,325 --> 00:24:54,527
Enough to know when you
have been keeping a little secret...
525
00:24:54,528 --> 00:24:57,431
From me?
526
00:24:59,533 --> 00:25:02,102
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
527
00:25:03,971 --> 00:25:05,972
I... I d...
528
00:25:05,973 --> 00:25:09,476
You made a fart in
my coffin, didn't you?
529
00:25:09,477 --> 00:25:11,211
I made a fart in your coffin.
530
00:25:11,212 --> 00:25:15,448
See? I know you better
than anyone. Boop.
531
00:25:15,449 --> 00:25:19,052
So it seems that
everything worked out?
532
00:25:19,053 --> 00:25:20,453
Kind of?
533
00:25:20,454 --> 00:25:21,955
To be honest, I can't
really keep track of
534
00:25:21,956 --> 00:25:24,124
whatever the fuck is
going on around here.
535
00:25:24,125 --> 00:25:26,326
But I did find a new home for
536
00:25:26,327 --> 00:25:27,994
these disgusting
little Guillermo toads,
537
00:25:27,995 --> 00:25:29,462
so there's that.
538
00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,264
As you can see, I came
home from Staten Island
539
00:25:31,265 --> 00:25:33,933
with a bit more than
just a charred-up body.
540
00:25:33,934 --> 00:25:35,835
Vampire says, "Freeze."
541
00:25:35,836 --> 00:25:38,038
This charming litter of mutants.
542
00:25:38,039 --> 00:25:39,205
Show your fangs.
543
00:25:40,274 --> 00:25:42,509
I did not say, "Vampire says!"
544
00:25:42,510 --> 00:25:44,044
It's given the Sire and me
545
00:25:44,045 --> 00:25:45,912
so much that we can do together.
546
00:25:47,114 --> 00:25:48,748
And thanks to Guillermo,
547
00:25:48,749 --> 00:25:50,417
for the first time
in a long time...
548
00:25:50,418 --> 00:25:52,152
Hello.
549
00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:55,422
I am terrifying again.
550
00:25:57,224 --> 00:25:59,759
I suppose with
the right company,
551
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,330
it can be beautiful,
this eternal existence.
552
00:26:03,331 --> 00:26:06,266
Not all of them make it.
553
00:26:11,339 --> 00:26:14,107
I just wish you would
talk to me, Laszlo.
554
00:26:14,108 --> 00:26:16,409
Yes, yes. Very good, thank you.
555
00:26:16,410 --> 00:26:17,744
I mean, is it
something I've done?
556
00:26:17,745 --> 00:26:19,212
Is this hex that
557
00:26:19,213 --> 00:26:21,348
I've been cursed with
that hangs all around me
558
00:26:21,349 --> 00:26:25,051
made me, in your eyes,
like an uggo or something?
559
00:26:25,052 --> 00:26:27,287
Yes! That's it.
560
00:26:27,288 --> 00:26:29,756
- What's it?
- Despite the frequent interruptions,
561
00:26:29,757 --> 00:26:31,891
I've been sat here
trying to decide
562
00:26:31,892 --> 00:26:33,360
if I should organize my books
563
00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:37,030
alphabetically by
author, or by title.
564
00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:39,199
But you've been sat
here for three weeks.
565
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,334
Time well-spent, I
think. And I've decided...
566
00:26:41,335 --> 00:26:43,169
You'd be pleased
to know... Author.
567
00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:44,504
First thought, best thought.
568
00:26:44,505 --> 00:26:46,406
Have I missed anything good?
569
00:26:46,407 --> 00:26:47,474
No!
570
00:26:47,475 --> 00:26:49,876
This guy.
571
00:27:30,451 --> 00:27:35,184
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