All language subtitles for Based.on.a.True.Story.S01E06.Love.You.Buzzfeed.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5

♪ You know what it's like
to be nameless ♪

♪ Want them to know
what your name is ♪

♪ When I grow up,
I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna be a star,
I wanna be in movies ♪

♪ When I grow up,
I wanna see the world ♪

♪ Drive nice cars,
I wanna have groupies ♪

Babe, we did it!
Oh, my God, okay.

Here's another one. You ready?
- Yeah.

"VICE Magazine,"
"'Based on a True Story,'

"real or hoax?

The podcast that's
gripped the nation."

- Holy shit.
- [gasps]

- Keep going.
- Yep, we got one

from BuzzFeed:
"Top ten moments you can't miss

from 'Based on a True Story.'"

- Love you, BuzzFeed.
- Another amazing one.

"New York Times Magazine,"

"Bill Kristol
and Noam Chomsky debate,

'What does "Based on a True
Story" say about America?'"

It says, the best...

country ever!
- Oh, my God.

Charli D'Amelio tweeted
"My new favorite obsession!

#basedonatruestory!"

- Who's Charli D'Amelio?
- I loved her

from "Dancing with the Stars."
She won last year...

- Okay.
- But she also has, like,

150 million followers
on TikTok,

so we are fucking viral, babe!
[cell phone rings]

Uh-oh, look
who's callin' here.

Okay.
Hey, you see the Daily Beast?

[dramatically]
Who is the voice

of "Based on a True Story"?

Can you believe that?

Man, we are everywhere.

Right?

How far away are you?

I'm just on Sunset.
I'll see you soon.

♪ 'Cause see,
when I was younger ♪

- Why did she invite him?
- I don't know.

It's like, if I know someone,
she has to know them too.

My friend has to be her friend.

If I have a plumber, she has
to have the same plumber.

It's like, fuck off.
- Yeah.

This is gonna be
a fucking great party.

♪ Be careful
what you wish for ♪

♪ 'Cause you just
might get it ♪

- ♪ Hey
- ♪ You just might get it

[laughing]

- All right.
- Hi, guys.

- Wow.
- Welcome. Hi.

- Beautiful in here.
- Oh, thank you.

You look amazing. You're huge.
- Thank you.

Uh--
- Hi.

- Hi, girls.
- So good to see you.

- You guys look gorgeous.
- This dress--

- Cut two dresses...
- Stop.

- And put it together.
- No, you did not.

- Hi!
- Tory!

- Hi, sis.
- Hello.

Little kid.

You need a sweater.

- Oh, hi.
- No, let it all out.

- How was school?
- I just graduated.

- You look smarter.
- Looking for a place to stay,

you know, before baby comes
and kicks me out.

Oh, my God,
no one is kicking you out.

Is there food yet?
- Yeah, inside.

- Bye.
- Hi.

- Who's your date?
- [gasps] Tinder guy.

Uh, no, actually, Bumble guy. Jacob.

Another fuckfest.

Oh, no,
it's, like, a little early.

- Is it?
- Alcohol?

- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Yeah.

- Yes, yes.
- I see this.

- Bye.
- Holding hands.

Intimate.

I used to hate these things.

I always got outbid.

Not anymore, babe.
- Not anymore.

Look at this watch.

Ten-day vacation--
Four Seasons in Maui.

Ooh, I like that one.

- What else we got here?
- A little wine tasting

at home?
That would be nice too.

A brick.

- What is that?
- "A single brick salvaged

from the last Manhattan
residence of Edgar Allan Poe"?

A creepy brick owned
by a horror writer?

I have to have that.
- Early anniversary present?

- [exclaims] That is so mine.
- It's gonna be yours, baby.

- It also works as a weapon.
- Hey, it's my two

favorite people.

- Hey, Matt.
- Hey.

- Hey, Michelle.
- Hey. [laughs lightly]

I didn't know
you were coming.

- Well, surprise.
- Yay. [laughs]

- [laughs] Yeah.
- Great. Yeah.

And it's great that you guys--
um, how are you?

You know what?
We are awesome.

Yeah, and we have Nathan
to thank because he set us up.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I--no, I didn't.

I--I definitely didn't
set you up.

No, no, you did.
You did, remember?

I--I said he was hot,

and then you said
he was good people.

Buddy, thanks.

I owe you.
- I didn't...

Good people?
[laughs drily]

Oop, excuse me.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God,
these canapes are amazing.

Ugh, I know.
I've had, like, 17 of them.

- [sighs]
- Uh...

[light ambient music]

Uh... [scoffs]
Carlos is here.

Mm, mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You invited Carlos?

Yes.
I want all my friends here.

Oh, my God.
You invite him to, like,

socialize too?

Well, this is the first one,

but Simon doesn't care.

- Hey.
- See?

All good.

You guys are
so fucking weird.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, guys.

Bring it in.

Look at these new numbers.

15 million downloads.

That's a lot
of fuckin' money.

Yeah, that's a lot
of money.

- Like, a million dollars.
- Can you believe that?

Can you believe that?

Yeah, but you know
what the next question is?

How do we make it bigger?

Okay, let's just enjoy
this moment.

We gotta push it. Look.

I went on a bit
of a deep dive on Reddit.

Okay, 24% of our fans,

they want me to keep talking
about my greatest hits

over and over
like I'm Billy fucking Joel,

but 76%, guess what they want?

- Don't say it.
- Fresh new content,

motherfuckers.
both: No.

- No.
- Yeah. Yeah.

We're not talking
about that anymore.

- They said it.
- Faking it worked

pretty good in Vegas.

The fake was great.
It was great.

It was a one-time thing.

- How 'bout a two-time thing?
- It was great.

- Why?
- No, we've gotten listen

to our 15-million fanbase,

and we gotta keep it real
for them.

Okay, listen to this.

Spotify is talking about
a $20-million deal with us.

- Yeah.
- So how 'bout that's keeping

shit real, bro?
- That's keeping it real real,

so just keep your shit together,

don't fuck it up,
and just keep cool.

Offer's comin' in any minute.

We're all gonna be rich.

Okay. Great.

- Got it?
- I got it, yeah.

- Don't fuck this up.
- Okay, don't fuck it up.

[ominous music]

♪

[line trilling]

Yeah?

[gasping]

♪

Okay, ready?
Oh, good catch.

Good boy.
Come here. Come here.

Come here, boy,
you handsome boy.

Ooh. [laughing]
Oh, good catch.

Oh, Duke is such
a handsome boy.

Come here.
- Hey.

Do you wanna try
this edible flower?

Do you think
we could get the dog back?

Uh, sorry, what?
[laughs]

Are you kidding?
- I just--I...

- [laughing]
- I'm really feeling like

he wants to come home.

Okay, babe.
We gave them the dog.

You can't ask for something
like that back.

That's insane.
- We gave him the dog

because our yard was too small.

- Yes.
- But that's about

to fucking change.

We're gonna have a huge yard.

He should come home.

I mean, look--
look at the way he's--

he throws the ball
like such a pussy.

He's like--
- Anybody see that?

It is kind of a lame throw.

- Right? Just like--
- Yeah, but that doesn't mean

you can steal the dog back.

Good catch, Duke!

His name is McEnroe.

It's not Duke, and he knows it.

You gotta let it go, okay?

We can't ask for the dog back.

Okay, fine.
We'll buy him back.

[sighs] You know how much
Simon loves this dog?

He does. He's obsessed.
- [laughs]

He sleeps in the guesthouse
with him.

Do you think I give a shit?

Hey, pal.

It's us.
He's look--he's looking at--

- Babe, he's not looking at us.
- He's looking at us.

No, he's not.
You can't take something

like that away.
- Hey.

That's--that's nuts.

Yeah, um, can I--

can I grab you for a second?
I just--

- Yeah.
- I need a hand.

Yes. Please don't
steal the dog, okay?

Come here, Duke.
Come to me. Come to me.

Oh, come here. Good catch.

Good boy.
Come here. Come here.

Okay, Duke.

Go get it.

Oh, good catch.
You're such a handsome boy.

Bring it back. Bring it back.

Just love this room!

It's so beautiful.
Where are the party favors?

You hiding them up here?
- Ava--

Also, you have no pictures.

It's really weird.
- Hey, are you okay?

What?

[curious music]

What--what is that?

[laughs]
- I don't know. You tell me.

I saw it fall out
of your pocket at CrimeCon.

I've--I've never seen that
before in my life.

You've never seen this before
in your life?

- No.
- Ever?

- No.
- Okay.

"WTF? You killed Dahlia?

"You made a podcast without us?

Meet us outside
in the corridor now."

You're "Based on a True Story,"
aren't you?

The--
[laughs]

"Based on a"--
the--the--the podcast?

Ava, I-I just--
I wanna help you.

Are you in danger?
- No.

Because I--I called
the number

on this phone,
and Matt answered.

I don't--no. What?

He's the Westside
fucking Ripper, isn't he?

What is going on?

- Okay--
- Why--why are you doing this?

Is--is he threatening you...
- It's not what you think.

- Or Nathan?
- Oh, my God, no.

It's not--
it's not like that at all.

No? Then what is it?
Because it says right here

that he killed
that girl in Vegas.

Okay, is that why
you invited Matt tonight?

So you could ask me about this?

I mean, I invited him
to find out

if he's the guy so I--
so I could help you,

but if you don't want my help,
I'll just go to the cops with--

No, no, no. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

There's no--we don't need to--
let's just all calm down.

No cops.
You don't need to call anybody.

Oh, fuck. Okay.
I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Okay?
- Okay.

Nathan and I are broke.

We--we were gonna lose
the house.

- What?
- I know, and Matt was over,

and we started talking,
and it turns out

he's a--he's this, like,
crime fanatic junkie like us.

So the three of us decided
to make a fake podcast

where Matt pretends
to be the Westside Ripper.

So Matt is pretending
to be a serial killer?

I know.
When you say it like that,

it sounds really bad, but--

it-it's so bad and--
and fucked up.

I know it sounds like that,
but we were desperate,

desperate,
completely desperate, and--

and then Matt, like,
he got, like, really into it,

and he pretended he was the guy

that pushed that girl
off the roof.

And people got obsessed.

They couldn't get enough of it.

So you're saying
that all of this is--is fake

and that guy's just a plumber?

- Yes!
- Because this looks

pretty fucking real to me.

Well, good.

We--[laughs]
We got you.

That's good.

That--
[splutters]

Come on.

Do you think
that I would be in business

with a real serial killer?

I mean, you sound insane.

That would be the biggest
fucking stupidest thing

I could do, right?

Right?

- Yeah.
- Right.

Please don't tell anybody.

Truly, like, I--
I literally dragged Nathan

into this shit show.

There's a baby coming.

Our lives could be over.

Please.

Okay.
Yeah, no, no, no. I--I--

I won't say a word.

[sighs] Thank you.

Thank you.
- Wow. [laughs]

I got to admit, this is--
this is kind of genius.

"Based on a True Story"
is based on a fake story.

- I know.
- I-I wish I'd thought of it.

Yeah. Well, yeah.
Well, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

[sighs]
- I got your back.

- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
- Let's go back outside.

Duke, Duke. Duke.

Duke.
- McEnroe. See?

He likes McEnroe. McEnroe.

McEnroe, right there.

[The Cowsills' "The Rain,
the Park, Other Things"]

Good boy.

Yes! Come on, buddy.

- Come here. Come here.
- Come on, buddy.

♪ She sat there
and smiled at me ♪

Come to me, Duke.
Come to me, Duke.

[laughs]

Good boy.

♪ Make me happy

Ready? Go.
- Okay.

I--I got it.
Okay, here we go.

Go get it.
[dog barks]

Here boy. Come on.

[both calling]

Here, boy. Come on.
- Duke.

- Hey, hey.
- Come on.

Bring it to me.
Bring it to me, to me.

Me, me.
- McEnroe, look at me.

Come here, pal. Come here, pal.

Look at me. Come here.

Bring it to me. To me.
- Duke. Duke!

♪ She seemed so sweet
and kind ♪

[laughing] Come to me, Duke.
Come to me.

Come to me.
Come to me, Duke.

Yay--oh!

Aah!
[people screaming]

[screaming]

[tense music]

Help! Help!

[continues screaming]

♪

I'm gonna getcha outta here.

♪ I turned around
and she was gone ♪

- ♪ Where did she go?
- ♪ And all I had left

♪ Was one little flower
in my hand ♪

♪ But I knew
- ♪ I knew, I knew

♪ I knew, I knew
- ♪ She had made me happy

- ♪ Happy
- ♪ Happy

♪ She had made me
very happy ♪

- ♪ Flowers in her hair
- ♪ Hair

♪ Flowers everywhere

- McEnroe.
- Duke.

- McEnroe.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.

- Bring it to me.
- Come to me. Come to me, Duke.

Duke!
- Look at me.

- Come to me. Come to me.
- McEnroe.

Come to me.
Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Oh, don't--
- Good boy.

[somber music]

♪

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

You good?

Um, yes.

Yes, I'm good.

Everybody, please
take a seat inside.

Dinner first,
and then the auction.

Yeah, he likes me
so much better than Simon.

- I know.
- Let's get that fuckin' brick.

Hey, did you call me before?

Uh, it was a butt-dial, sorry.

- Really?
- Yep.

Where's the trust, partner?

[tense music]

The same caterer did my--
our wedding.

- I didn't know that.
- Uh-huh.

That's right.
- Yeah.

Hm?
[dog whines]

- Absolutely.
- It's great.

- Okay.
- I wish he would take

an interest in my--
- I mean--

[indistinct chatter]

[laughs]

- You tried your cake?
- No.

Goodness. [gasps]

Thank you.

Nice to see you.

So are you a part
of the crew now?

Hey, did you crush
those midterms?

Yeah, I'm going
to UCLA Law in the fall.

- Oh, my God. Congrats.
- Yeah, thanks.

So we're gonna see
a lot more of you.

- Yeah, a whole lot more.
- Awesome.

"Crushed those midterms"?

So a sign of the times,
I tried to put an ad

on that hot true crime podcast,
"Based on a True Story."

- Hot.
- Brilliant.

Such a hot show.

- Is that not a genius idea?
- Right?

- Yeah.
- Amazing.

- Brilliant.
- Yeah.

- I love that.
- Oh, my gosh, it gets me hot.

- So brilliant.
- It's so good.

- I think it's fake.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, like, the, um--
the Orson Welles thing?

Uh, "War of the Worlds"?

It could be just
street theater.

Absolutely not.
Are you kidding me?

You heard this guy's voice?

That's a stabby voice.

- What?
- I buy it 100%.

That guy is the killer.
- Mm.

- You should just ask them.
- There's no chance.

- [gasps] Yeah.
- You never talk to anybody.

- Oh.
- No, you--

you email a shell corporation.

You pay them in crypto.

Nobody knows where they are
or who they are.

- Wow.
- I wouldn't pay them a cent.

Paul, the guy
is killing people.

Okay, Richard.

Last time I checked, there is
still free speech in America.

Okay, even if that speech
is about

how you just killed someone?

Yeah, especially then.

You--you wanna outlaw
offensive speech?

Who decides
what goes on the list?

Me? You?

I listen to it, and I think

it's totally
fucking disgusting.

I think that you're right.

I think that it's all true.

I think he's a serial killer.

And I think the people
that are helping him

are far worse than he is.

- Oh. What people?
- Preach, sister.

- There's an interviewer.
- Hm?

- Don't say that.
- Right? I mean, somebody...

- No, that's not your word.
- Has to be helping him.

The Westside Ripper has
some kind of brain defect,

but these parasites are
making money off of him.

They should go to prison
longer than he does.

- [coughs]
- That's a very good point.

No, they really should.

Think about it.
- Mm.

I don't know. I--

there's nothing wrong
with makin' money.

I love money. You love money.

You love money.

Money's great.

Puts food on the table,

puts our kids through school.

Carlos loves money.
Right?

What?

Can't open your gym
on the East Coast

without money, right?

Uh, it certainly
would help, yeah.

Mm, guys, I think it's time

to start bidding
on the items, right?

I just wanna say
I love Carlos' business plan.

- Oh, my God.
- And I--

I want to invest in it.

Wait, you--you want
to invest in my gym?

Yeah, I want to finance
the whole thing by myself.

[unsettling music]

- Well, that's--
- [laughs]

Wait, are you serious?

100%.

- Great.
- Yeah?

When do we start?

♪

[dishes clatter]
- Now.

- [laughs]
- What?

[sharply] Now.

Like, right now.

Immediately.

Immediately?

[laughs] He's joking.

He's just--

Go pack a bag,

go to LAX,

get on the red-eye,
go to New York, get to work.

It's gonna take
a couple of years.

I'm gonna need you there
the whole time

overseeing construction,
the plans,

and you're not gonna be able
to come back here ever.

♪

Why you doing this?

Hm?
- Hm?

Why are you doing this
right now?

Is it 'cause I invited him?

[laughs] What?

I believe in Carlos.

I like Carlos' business plan.

Unless there's something
that Carlos loves

more than money here in LA.

Then he should stay.

♪

Okay.

I just
transferred you $250,000.

- [gasps]
- What?

[phone chimes]

[music darkens]

♪

When I get
my investment back,

we'll go 50/50.

If it works out, I'll finance
a national rollout,

but you gotta go right now.

♪

[whispers]
You don't have to go.

Babe, please, stay for me.

You gotta go, Carlos.

♪

I'm sorry.

- [gasps]
- Oh.

[indistinct whispers]

[door shuts]

Are you fucking insane?

♪

Why would you do that?

Why the fuck do you even care?

[scoffs]

- God.
- [clears throat]

Hey, buddy.

You got
some interesting friends.

Okay, let's help
some teen runaways!

[crying]

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe that happened.

[soft dramatic music]

You okay?

I know you really loved Carlos.

Oh, fuck Carlos.

[sniffles]
I never loved Carlos,

but fuck him for leaving.

Well, I mean, we all know
you're gonna be just fine.

- Will I?
- Yes.

'Cause I feel like
I'm pretty fucked right now.

Ava, look at my life right now.

Take a good look.

You gotta let me in
on the podcast.

Okay? It's--it's literally
all that I got.

♪

Okay, uh, maybe we should
talk about this another time.

No, no, no, 'cause--
'cause I can help you.

You know, you--you know
I'm great with marketing.

Right? And branding,
and I know this world.

And we're the "Wine Crime"
girls, right?

- Yeah, I can't do this.
- Oh, well, I--

because do you remember
that guy--

that guy that I had
a thing with in Cabo last year?

'Cause he's huge at Wondery,

and--and he's married,

so he definitely owes me
a solid.

I can get him to make us
a preemptive offer,

you know, probably
a really, really big one.

- Oh, my God.
- Yes.

So some guy is gonna make us
a multimillion-dollar offer

because he went down on you
in Cabo?

Yeah, that is
how the world works.

How do you not know that?

Okay, just trust me.

You shouldn't get involved
in this 'cause it's a mess.

Okay, hold on.

Don't come at me like
you're my friend now.

- What?
- No, I know exactly

what's going on.

I mean, I know
Matt's the killer.

I have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.

Okay.

So if I took Matt's wine glass

and took it down
to the police station,

you're telling me that his DNA
wouldn't be an exact match

to the Westside Ripper?

[foreboding music]

If you tell a single person
about this,

I will fucking end you.

But I already told Simon.

- What?
- Yeah.

I told him.
- You told--

you told Simon?
Are you insane?

Why would you do that?
- Because he's a lawyer,

and he will protect me!

Oh, my God.
He's not gonna protect you.

He fucking hates you.
He hates everything about you!

Oh, sweetie. [scoffs]

That's just married talk.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I can't believe

you would be stupid enough

to fucking tell Simon!

Oh, I absolutely am
that stupid.

And why not?

I mean, it's worked pretty well
for me so far, right?

Tell me something.

Who's the one
living in a mansion

in the Palisades,

and who can't afford
their mortgage in Mar Vista?

Okay, you listen to me,

you with your little
400 calories a day,

your cool sculpt,
and your amazing blowjobs

you can't stop bragging about--

- They are amazing.
- Well,

not amazing enough
to keep Carlos around.

So if you wanna go steal

the Westside Ripper's
wine glass,

good fucking luck.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, 'cause Nathan
will bring me in

'cause he is nothing like you!

He will cut me in!

And my blowjobs
are the fucking best!

[sniffles]

Everyone in LA knows it...

and Dubai.

900, $900.
Ladies and gentlemen,

it would be a dream
within a dream

if we got to $1,000.

Do I hear 1, $1,000

for the Edgar Allan Poe brick.

How 'bout a 1,200?
Who'll do a 1,200?

There's a fan
of blood and murder for 1,200.

Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

Hold on, these fuckers are
trying to steal your brick.

- $1,300.
- Okay, but--

[sighs]
I need you for one second.

- We're gonna lose the brick.
- I don't care.

Just come on.

So here's the thing--
don't panic

when I tell you this--
but I lost the burner.

- What?
- I got it back,

but I dropped it in Vegas,

and then Ruby, she found it,

and now she's blackmailing...
- Oh, my fucking God.

Us and wants in
on everything.

- Ruby?
- Yes.

How did you not
know you dropped it?

It was an accident! Okay?

We had been using yours.

I barely use mine.
I thought it was

in my bag, but it fell out.

I know I fucked up,
but she knows everything.

She knows that Matt
is the Westside Ripper,

and she told me
that she told Simon.

- She told Simon?
- Well, she might be bluffing.

I don't fuckin' know, but--
- This is fine. It's fine.

[dog whines]
We're gonna figure this out.

But this place is toxic.

Okay? I'm telling you,
it's fucking toxic.

They're nuts.
I'm taking McEnroe outta here.

Babe, who fucking cares
about the dog right now?

Just forget the fuckin' dog.

[phone chimes]
We have bigger problems.

What? What?
- Oh, shit.

Alba, she just came out
against us.

No, not Alba.

Jessica Alba just tweeted,

"If #BasedOnATrueStory
is true, it's sickening.

"If it's fake,
it might be even worse.

"America,
we're better than this.

#CancelBasedOnATrueStory."

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

Okay, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Oh, my God.

Okay, maybe
it's not gonna track.

Maybe no one's gonna pick
this up.

Oh, shit.
Malia Obama just retweeted it.

[phones chiming]

Oh, my God, so did Tom Hanks.

- Kylie Jenner.
- Oh, my God.

So did Dame Judi Dench.

- Oh, I'm so sorry, babe.
- Oh, my God.

- I know you love her.
- Are you seeing this shit?

- Yes.
- We're gonna get canceled?

Alba fucked us.
- Okay, is there anyone

that's for us?

- For us? Um--
- Who is? Look.

- Kanye?
- Okay, Kanye?

Ugh, that's not good.

The dude from NXIVM.

Josh Duggar?

Jared from Subway.

- That's not good.
- That's bad.

No.

This is fuckin' awful.
[phone chimes]

There goes iTunes.

- We lost iTunes?
- Yes.

Okay.

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

You and me,
we're gettin' outta here.

We're takin' the dog.
We'll call you from the road.

You're taking
the fucking dog?

Our brand is under attack.

We gotta act now.
[dog whines]

Here's our play, okay?

The snowflakes can suck it.

We're gonna double down
just like our fans want.

I'm gonna go out tonight...
- No.

- And I will--
- We are not doing that, okay?

We have to do something,
but we are not doing that.

You guys,
if we don't do something,

we are gonna lose
the Spotify deal.

Do you understand?
So what do we do?

Wait, wait.
Hold on a second.

Wait a minute.
Doesn't...

doesn't Ruby know Alba?

Yes. You know what?
She was her body double

in "Spy Kids 4."

Remember, she had the wig
and the costume on

one night after shooting?

She loves to hold
that over me.

She went down on Kid Rock.

Someone took a photo.
- Yeah.

Why don't we get Ruby
to tell Alba

that we'll release
the fuckin' photo

unless she pulls the post?

Why would Alba care?

It's not her in the picture.

It doesn't matter.
It looks like her.

No, the tweet's out there.
It's taken flight.

You go talk to Ruby.

I'll find out what Simon knows.

Ruby's not gonna do shit
for us right now.

Trust me.
- It's all we fuckin' got,

guys. Let's go. Go.
- [clapping]

Big man, everyone!

[laughs]

Big fuckin' man.

What kind of control freak buys
his wife's boyfriend, huh?

You're the one
who invited him, honey,

in front of all of our friends.

Yeah, you know why?
You know why?

'Cause you can't get it up
unless you call me "Mommy."

Do you guys know that?
What's up with that?

You miss sucking
on Mommy's titties, huh?

Yes! Yes, I do!

You know what?
I actually like

sucking Mom's tits
better than yours!

[dog barks]
- Guys, that's not great

for the dog.
- Or anyone.

Even if I stitched
Michael Fassbender's foreskin

onto Orlando Bloom's dick...
[dog barking]

And Frankensteined
the perfect penis,

I still couldn't get it up
for you!

Are you gonna finally
stroke out

and leave me with all
your daddy's money, huh?

Come on. Come on, McEnroe.
Come on.

Okay, stay here,
and stay quiet.

I'm gonna get you outta here tonight.

Okay? Yeah.

You think that hurt me?

You think sending him away
hurt me?

- Okay!
- You can't fucking hurt me.

What do you want?
You want the spa day

at the Peninsula, honey, huh?

Do you want the deep tissue?

Do you want me
to buy that for you?

You're gonna continue
to buy my love!

You're a fucking monster,

and you've never loved anything

in your entire life
except that dog!

That's it!
How pathetic is that, everyone?

- So now it's the dog's fault?
- Oh, sure!

Yeah, it's the dog's fault!
[dog barking]

Sure,
it's the fucking dog's fault!

You want me
to shut the dog up?

Yeah, go shut
the fucking dog up!

Okay.
I'll shut the fucking dog up!

Do you need Mommy's help?

You think you can handle that?

You got that, hon?

Goddamn it!

Hey, I know this is
a terrible time.

I'm so sorry,
but, um, you're friends

with Jessica Alba, right?

- Yeah.
- You are?

Yeah, she's really sweet, actually.

- Um--
- Fuck off and die!

[gunshot]
[everyone gasps]

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Oh, no.

[gasping] No.
[banging noises]

- What's he doing?
- Someone...

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

- Uh--
- No, you should stay here.

♪

Wait...

- He's got a gun.
- [gasps]

- He's got a gun.
- Oh, my God.

- [whimpers]
- Oh, my God.

Watch out.
Watch out!

Oh, my God.

What did you do?

[dark music]

I shut the dog up.

[gasps]

Oh, no.

I shut it up.

[everyone gasps]
- Oh, my God.

Simon, please put that down.

[cries]

What the fuck did you--
- I shut the fucking dog up

is what I did.

[tense music]

♪

Okay, easy, please.
Please, please.

No, no, no.

[exhales]

♪

I'm gonna come around you, okay?

Hey. Just focus on me.

All right?

That's good. That's good.

[breathes deeply]
Man, you must be in shock.

You're not a bad person.

We all have anger in us.

I know. It's okay.

It's okay. It's all right.

It's good. Yeah, yeah.
That's good.

You don't wanna do this.

Yeah. That's good.

McEnroe!

[everyone talking nervously]

- Okay, Tory.
- You all right?

- I got you.
- [wails]

I got you.

He just lost his mind?

- Oh, no!
- [crying]

I'm so sorry.

[wails]

[phone chimes]

♪

[tense music]

♪

[The Cowsills' "The Rain,
the Park, Other Things"]

♪ I saw her sitting
in the rain ♪

♪ Raindrops falling on her

♪ She didn't seem to care

♪ She sat there
and smiled at me ♪

♪ Then I knew
- ♪ I knew, I knew

♪ I knew, I knew
- ♪ She could make me happy

- ♪ Happy
- ♪ Happy

♪ She could make me
very happy ♪

♪ Flowers in her hair

♪ In her hair

♪ Flowers everywhere

♪ Everywhere

- ♪ I love the flower girl
- ♪ I love the flower girl

♪ Oh, I don't know
just why ♪

♪ She simply caught my eye

♪ I love the flower girl
- ♪ I love the flower girl

♪ She seemed so sweet
and kind ♪

♪ She crept into my mind

♪ To my mind
- ♪ To my mind

Nice shot, Dad.