All language subtitles for Murder.by.Death.1976.1080p.BluRay.x264-HD4U.SDH

(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(thunder rumbles)

(eerie music)

- Do you think
they'll come, sir?

- [Lionel] Oh, they'll come,
they'll come all right.

Here, stamp those and mail them.

(light bouncy music)

(eerie music)

- It's ringing.

Dear, would you walk
Myron the other way.

My leg tends to look
like a tree in this fog.

- What a God forsaken
spot to get lost.

- True, I saw a much better
spot a few miles back.

(phone rings)
(suspenseful music)

Hello?

Hello?

- Good.
- Hello?

- Tell them we're lost.
(phone rings)

(suspenseful music)

- Nobody answered,
the phone went dead.

- [Dora] Then why
did you say hello?

- Funny, I could have sworn...

- [Dora] What, Dicky?

- Sounded as though
somebody snipped the wire.

- Really, what
did it sound like?

- Snip.

(suspenseful music)

- [Willie] Some bog, eh, Pop?

- [Wang] I've already
heard the weather report,

and drive please.

- Boy, it's as
thick as pea soup.

Not a soul around for miles.

Know what I think, Pop?

Perfect place for a murder.

- Conversation like
television set on honeymoon.

Unnecessary.

(suspenseful music)

- [Willie] Hey, where
we going anyway, Pop?

And who is this
Mr. Twain who invited

you for the weekend?

And what did he mean
by dinner and a murder?

- Questions are
like athlete's foot.

After a while, very irritating.

(dog barking)

To stop car, please.

- What's wrong?

- Stop car please.

(dog howls) (suspenseful music)

To shut engine off, please.

Listen.

- [Willie] I don't hear
nothing, what do you hear?

- [Wang] Double
negative and dog.

- [Willie] 50 it's
a dog, so what?

- If I'm not
mistaken, dog belong

to Mr. Dick Charleston.

- Who's Dick Charleston?

- I am, thank you.

I say, you don't
happen to have seen

a little white...

Wang.

- A white wang?

- Good heavens, Sidney Wang.

What are you doing in
this godforsaken spot.

- No doubt, same as you.

Looking for bridge that
lead to home of host,

Mr. Lionel Twain.

- You, too, huh?

Must be important to invite
two such eminent detectives?

- Excuse please, to
introduce Japanese son, Wai.

- Hi.

- Japanese, but I
thought surely you...

- Mrs. Wang and I could
never have children.

We adopted number three son.

- [Dick] My pleasure,
be careful on this road,

it's treacherous.

- Treacherous road
like fresh mushroom.

Must always.

Idiot.

Not finished mushroom story.

You are idiot.

(bright playful music)

- Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Perrier,

but I can see nothing.

This fog is as thick
as bouillabaisse.

- Nuts.

- Beg your pardon?

- Nuts, nuts.

There are no nuts
in my chocolate.

That stupid imbecile
in the shop,

give you raisins when I
asked you to get me nuts.

- He didn't have any nuts.

- The man in the shop?

- That's the reason
I took the raisins.

- Oh, nevermind.

We will soon be
there for dinner.

Hot soup.

- Oui, monsieur.

Something is not right
in all of this, huh?

I can feel it in my bones.

- In your what?

- In my bones.

- Buns.

You have buns.

You bought buns and
you didn't tell me?

Where are they,
where are the buns?

- Oh, no, monsieur,
the bones in my body.

- Oh.

You should not
speak with an accent

when you know I'm so hungry.

(suspenseful music)

- [Tess] If you ask me, Sam,
this is a wild goose chase.

- [Sam] Nobody asked you, baby.

- [Tess] Yes, they
did, you asked me.

You asked me back
there if I thought...

- That was then.

This is now,

and nobody knows what
tomorrow will be.

That's the way things are,

whether we like it or not.

- Sam, I worry about you
sometimes, I really do.

- All right, cut the malarkey.

This trip is strictly
business with me.

Now what do you got
on this Twain guy??

- He was born in San
Francisco in 1906.

His mother was a Roman Catholic,

his father was an orthodox Jew.

They were separated two
hours after the marriage.

- Any children?

- Yeah, one daughter, 32.

Her name's Irene but
she calls herself Rita.

- Just like a dame.

Don't stop, angel,
you're doing fine.

- Was arrested in
1932 in Chicago

for selling pornographic Bibles.

The DA couldn't make
the charge stick

and the church refused
to turn over the Bibles.

There's nothing
on 'em until '46,

when he was picked
up in El Paso, Texas,

for trying to
smuggle a truck load

of rich white Americans
across the border

into Mexico to pick melons.

He was sent to the
Dallas Day Hospital

for mental observation.

- I think we've picked
ourselves a queer bird, angel.

Anything else?

- Oh, yeah, get this, Sam.

Lionel Twain has one interesting
physical characteristic.

He has no pinkies.

- No pinkies?

You mean Twain has
only got eight fingers?

- No, no, he's got 10.

He just doesn't
have any pinkies.

- You did your
homework good, angel.

- Thanks, Sam.

- Where'd you dig
up all that stuff?

- Oh, I wrote to
Twain and asked him.

- Good thinking.

(engine sputters)

- [Tess] What's the matter?

- Wouldn't you know, out of gas.

- I saw a station about
five miles back, Sam.

- I want you to know I'm gonna
be waiting for you, baby.

(dramatic music)

- [Willie] Here's
the bridge, Pop.

Doesn't look safe to me.

- One way to find
out, drive across.

- Well, aren't you
gonna come with me?

- Weight of two men maybe
too much for bridge.

- Then why do I get
to drive the car?

- 'Cause I smart enough
to get out first.

(playful music)

- [Willie] I don't think
I'm gonna make it, Pop.

It's gonna collapse.

- Don't worry.

Father find other way to house.

(dramatic music)

(triumphant music)

- I made it, Pop, I made it.

- Good, good.

Now come back and
get adopted father.

Look at the invitation,
what number of house?

- Two, two.
- Correct.

Two, two Twain's
house, continue.

(dramatic music)

Did you see that?

- No.

- Neither did I.

(suspenseful music)

Stop, do not move.

Something's wrong here.

- [Willie] What is it, Pop?

- Do not ask questions.

Do as I say.

When I tell you jump, you jump.

One, two, three, jump.
(statue shatters)

- Holy Shanghai.

Nice counting, Pop,
but how'd you know?

- Look on ground.

(foreboding music)

Ah.

Even had correct shoe size.

Someone 90 great trouble
to make welcome guests

not so welcome.

Ring bell please.

- Are you nuts, Pop,
someone's trying to kill us?

- Yes, should make
exciting weekend.

Ring, please.

- I wish it was Monday morning.

Well, here goes.

(woman screams)

Holy cow, they're
killing someone in there.

- Calm yourself.

- Didn't you hear her scream?

- Oh, no.

You heard scream.

More experienced
ear heard doorbell.

Listen again.

(woman screams)

Mr. Twain has macabre
sense of humor, yeah?

(thunder rumbles)
(curious music)

- [Butler] Good evening,
we have been expecting you.

- But in what condition?

Roof in need of repair.

- Indeed.

I'm afraid the house
is falling apart.

- May we come in, please?

- I'm so sorry,
I thought you were in.

You are Mr. and Mrs. Charleston.

- Not quite, I am Inspector
Wang of Catalina Police.

This adopted son Willie.

- I trust you had
a pleasant journey

despite the storm.

(dramatic music)
(thunder rumbles)

- Strange weather.

Storm only outside when inside.

- Oh, that.

That's just one of
Mr. Twain's little toys.

An electronic device.

Mr. Twain, as you
will soon discover,

prefers his atmosphere murky.

May I have your bags, sir?

- Oh, no, no, son will get bags.

That is why I adopted him.

- Very good, sir.

One moment please,
while I close the door.

Now, if you will follow me.

I will show you to your room.

(curious music)
(thunder rumbles)

- Very large house.

No other servants?

- I'm not sure.

I've never seen anyone.

Mr. Twain asked me to see that
you're made most comfortable,

and to say that he will be
joining you after dinner.

- After dinner?

Host not have
dinner with guests?

- No, Mr. Twain
prefers to eat out.

(thunder rumbles)

(suspenseful music)

(dog barks)

- Oh, wait please.

What that?

- That, oh it's nothing, sir.

Just the cat.

(dog barks)

- That cat?

You feed cat dog food?

- I'm afraid he's a
very angry cat, sir.

Mr. Twain had him fixed
and he didn't want to be.

(dog growls) - Oh.

- Big house, huh, Pop?

- Big house like man
married to fat woman,

hard to get around.

- Ah, here we are.

I'm sure you'll
find this suitable.

- Boy, it's a cold house.

- I've taken care of that, sir.

You'll find a nice
cozy fire in your room.

(playful music)

It's a bit smokey, sir.

I'm afraid that old fireplace
hasn't been used in years.

- At least the bed will be warm.

- If you wish anything,
sir, please ring.

- Where bathroom?

- It's behind the
bed, sir, there.

Dinner will be at nine,

and Mr. Twain likes
his guests to dress.

(woman screams)

Ah, the doorbell, excuse me.

- Wow, what a creepy guy.

Why would anyone want
to hire a blind butler?

- For one thing, very cheap.

How butler know how
much he get paid?

- Drink this darling,
you'll feel better.

- If Myron hadn't
barked when he did,

we never would have seen
that statue falling.

- Why, I don't think the statue

was meant to kill us, darling,

I think it was a warning.

Somebody's trying to
frighten us, but why?

- Whatever his reason is,
he's doing a wonderful job.

- Why the devil hasn't
anybody answered this door?

- Don't ring it again, Dicky.

Knock, don't ring.

- I won't, I promise.

(thunder rumbles)

- [Dora] What is it now, Myron?

- Up there, Dora, look.

A blind butler.

- Don't let him
park the car, Dicky.

(thunder rumbles)

- [Butler] Good evening,
we have been expecting you.

- We let ourselves
in, thank you.

Dick and Dora Charleston.

- Good evening, we have
been expecting you.

Your room is ready if you'll
just follow me please.

(dog growls)

Oh, don't mind him,
ma'am, it's just the cat.

(light music)

- We left our
luggage in the trunk.

- I'll get it later,
ma'am, when I park the car.

- Was that Mr. Wang's
car I noticed out front?

- Yes, they're resting
now in their room.

I have taken the
liberty of putting you

in the same wing as Mr. Wang.

- Oh, isn't that nice, darling?

We're in Wang's wing.

(light music)

(spring bounces)

- Not many people come
to the manor these days.

It's nice to hear guests again.

- Thank you, you are?

- Bensonmum, ma'am.

- Thank you, Benson.

- No, no, Bensonmum,

my name is Bensonmum.

- Bensonmum?

- Yes, sir, Jamesir, Bensonmum.

- Jamesir.

- Yes, sir.

- Jamesir Bensonmum.

- Yes, sir.

- How odd.

- My father's name, sir.

- What was your father's name?

- Howard, Howard Bensonmum.

- Your father was
Howard Bensonmum?

- Leave it be, clear,
I've had enough.

- Oh, here we are.

The late Mrs. Twain's room.

She died in here.

- Oh dear.

- Died of what?

- She murdered herself
in her sleep, sir.

- You mean suicide?

- Oh, no, it was
murder all right.

Mrs. Twain hated herself.

We keep this room locked.

- Why is that?

- Mr. Twain loved her very much.

He's kept her room
just as it was

the night she choked
herself nine years ago.

(suspenseful music)

Madame loved it here.

She said it was the
cheeriest room in the house.

(woman screams)
Ah, the doorbell.

- That was Mrs. Charleston.

- I thought she was
up here with us, sir?

- I am and I will not
stay in this horribly

filthy room overnight.

- Filthy, very well, madame.

I'll attend to it during dinner.

- Thank you, Bensonson.

- Mum.
- What?

- Bensonmum, ma'am.

(door creaks)

- Baking flour.

- [Dora] What?

- This dust is baking flour

and these cobwebs,
candied sugar,

all placed here recently
for the sole purpose

of frightening us
and that mouse,

honestly, mechanical toy.

(laughing)

Silly.

- What is?

- I am.

It's real. (Dora screams)

(mice squeaks)

- [Milo] Stop the
car, we are here.

- I know we are here, that's
why I stopped the car.

- Open my door.

- You have chocolate
on your face.

- What?

- The candy bar, it
is all over your face.

- Imbecile, that's my mustache.

- Lick it and see.

- Wipe it off, my
hands are sticky.

- Hold still please.

Sloppy.

(suspenseful music)

(lightly knocks)

(woman screams)

- All in good time.

(thunder booms)
(suspenseful music)

Yes?

Who's there?

Who's there, I say.

Filthy neighborhood.

- Didn't I say jump,
une, deux, trois, jump,

I say.

Why don't you listen to me?

- Oh, leave me alone, sloppy.

(thunder rumbles)

(playful music)

- Who are you?

(playful music)

Oh.

You must be the
new kitchen maid.

I hope you can cook.

Hm?

Answer me.

Speak up.

What's that?

I can't hear you.

A little shy, are you?

Nevermind.

They will be 10 for dinner.

Here is the menu.

Is that understood?

Dinner will be at nine,

when I want you,
that hell on the wall

will ring three times.

All right, get to work.

(playful music)

- Hello?

Hello, hello, operator.

I am saying hello, hello.

- It's dead, sir.

- What, who is?

Who are you?

- The butler, sir.
- The butler, eh?

I thought as much.

- That phone has
been out of order

for the past week, sir.

- Is that a fact?

And I put it to you

that this wire has been
snipped not one hour ago.

As you can plainly see.

What is your name?

- Bensonmum.

- Your little jest escapes me.

I am Monsieur Milo Perrier.

My chauffeur was injured
by a falling gargoyle

while standing outside
in Chinese footprints.

We rang the bell,
a woman screamed,

a mouse ran by us
through the door.

As you can plainly
see, I miss nothing.

Since we cannot
call for a doctor,

I will need a cold
compress for my chauffeur,

and a cup of hot
chocolate for me.

N'est ce pas?

- I don't think we
have N'est ce pas, sir.

Just Hershey's.

I'll call the maid.

(bells ringing)

I'll fetch it for
you myself, sir.

In the meantime, if
you'll be good enough

to follow me to your room.

- Get up, get up.

There is something about
this butler I do not trust.

Notice how his eyes
never look at you.

- He's blind, monsieur.

- Nonsense.

(conspicuous music)

- [Sam] There's the house now.

- Oh.

- What's the matter?

- My feet are killing me.

Why didn't you tell
me we needed oil

before I went back
for the gas, Sam.

- Because I gave
you a 50 dollar bill

and the gas was only five bucks.

Maybe you'd come back,
maybe you wouldn't.

I couldn't take
that chance, angel.

- Don't you trust me, Sam?

- Trust you?

The last time that I trusted
a dame was in Paris in 1940.

She said she was going out
to get a bottle of wine.

Two hours later, the
Germans marched into France.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.

- Sorry nothing,
give me my change.

(suspenseful music)

- Dinner will be at nine, sir.

I'll have the maid
bring up your chocolate.

- [Milo] Oh, one
moment, my good man.

- Sir?

- Thank you, that will be all.

He's blind all right.

Those were my funniest faces.

(suspenseful music)

(trunk creaks)

- Not exactly the
Copacabana, is it?

- I don't feel good
about this, Sam.

Maybe tonight's the
night your luck runs out.

- Maybe so.

There's a number on the
wall for all of us, angel,

and if tonight's the night

they pick mine, so be it.

After you, sweetheart.

- First kiss me, Sam.

- I don't kiss.

- Just this once, Sam.

- I don't like kissing,
now leave me alone.

(suspenseful music)

(woman screams)

(suspenseful music)

- My god!

He's dead. - I beg your pardon?

- Sam Diamond, the
man I worked for

is lying out there, he's
been crushed to death.

I'm gonna faint, you catch me.

- Madame?

Madame, where are you?

- All right, hold
it right there,

freeze, Blinky,
get your hands up,

turn your face to the wall.

All right, angel,
you can get up now.

Turn around please.

Your concrete Christmas
present arrived

about two seconds early,

no thanks to you.

- I apologize for any
unfortunate mishaps, sir.

May I put my hands down?

- Don't test your
luck, Shakespeare.

I got your little
invitation for dinner.

But I didn't realize, I was
gonna be the main course.

I had a kid brother
who got it the same way

working on a case just
like this two years ago.

That boy would have
been 63 on Tuesday.

For two cents, I'd
like to take this...

- Sam, don't.
- Get him away from me.

Get him away.

Get him away before I stuff him

like one of them tiger trophies

his limey pals like to
hang up on saloon walls.

- [Tess] Please.

- He has a dreadful
temper, hasn't he?

(clock bell rings)

(suspenseful music)

(spring boinging)

Nine o'clock, time for dinner.

Is everything ready, hm?

(sniffs) I don't smell anything.

Very light on the
seasoning are you?

Put the soup in the
tureen and keep the squabs

on the low flame.

I'll serve cocktails.

When you hear the bell,

bring out the chilled asparagus

and turn up the
flame on the squabs.

Have you got that?

(playful music)

(sultry music)

- You didn't tell me
how I look, Dicky.

- No different than you
always look, darling,

absolutely ravishing.

- Do you love me and adore me?

- I love you and adore you.

You still have the best
tush in high society.

- Years of horseback
riding, darling.

- Getting to bottom
of things, Charleston?

- Ah, Wang.

Darling, you remember?

- Of course, nice to
see you, ah, Wang.

- Always a pleasure, Mrs.
Charleston.

- [Dora] What a beautiful gown.

You must tell me
where you got it.

- This, oh, this an old dress.

Had it for years.

Please to meet
adopted son Willie.

- Ah, east meets west in
a most bizarre setting.

- Perrier.
- Charleston.

- I didn't know
you were invited.

You know Wang.

- Ah, yes, I had the pleasure

of dining in Shanghai
many years ago

with Inspector Wang.

- Hong ching chu
kow dung woo fong.

- Oh you remember, yes.

- Hong ching ch...

- Kow dung woo fong.

- My wife Dora,
Inspector Perrier.

- Tres charmant.

(Milo coughing)

- I'm sorry, our
room is so dusty.

- My fault, I should
have blown first.

- Recovered from your
accident, Marcel?

- Oui, monsieur.

But how did you know?

- From the way you bend.

The right side of
your body smashed in

by a Citröen, I imagine.

I also thought I detected
a slight metallic sound

which leads me to
believe you had

an artificial hip put in, steel?

- Aluminum.

You're as quick as
ever, Charleston.

- And you, Mr. Charleston,

did not approve of Mrs.
Charleston dying hair blond.

- I beg your pardon.

- Mrs. Charleston's hair red.

You have blond
hairs on shoulder.

That means she has dyed
red hair to blonde,

and back again to red or else

you have been...

(dramatic music)

Oh, so sorry, Wang is wrong.

Shall we go to dinner, please?

(playful music)

- Boy, Pop, you sure put your...

- Shut Japanese mouth.

- Must be simply ghastly
to have a hip removed.

Does it hurt?

- It only hurts in damp weather.
(screams)

- Are you all right?

- Pay no attention,
you'll only spoil him.

Get up, get up.

- As I was saying,
Mr. Charleston.

- Hey, Pop.

- Treacherous road like fresh mushroom.
- Hey, Pop!

I know, clogs stick
tongue out of picture.

Treacherous road
like fresh mushroom.

(thunder rumbles)

- He's a charming fellow.

- African death mask, died
in some tribal ritual,

I should think.

- Wonder where others are?

- Others?

What others?

- Invitation to
dinner and murder

finally clear to Wang,

with appearance of
Monsieur Perrier.

- It is obvious

that only the world's
greatest living detectives

are on the guest list.

- Five of us, to
be exact, darling.

Three already here.

- Two have not yet arrived.

- Miss Jessie
Marbles of England.

- And Mr.-

- Sam Diamond of San Francisco.

I know who you all are.

The lady here in
the rented dress

is my secretary and mistress,
Miss Tess Skeffington.

- Oh, Sam, don't.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Ms. Skeffington doesn't like it

when I'm so brutally honest,

but then again, we're
all in a brutal business,

aren't we gentlemen?

- Never consider murder to
be business, Mr. Diamond.

- Is that right, Mr. Wang?

Well, maybe not for you,

seeing as how you
put all your money

into vegetables back
in the late 30's.

Maybe our friends
here don't know

that you own over 50%
of the beansprouts

and the bamboo shoots grown
on the Chinese mainland,

so you folks can imagine

how much chicken chow mein
goes into Mr. Wang's pot

each year, am I getting
those figures right, angel?

- Right, Sam.

- I don't see what this
has to do with anything?

- For you, Mr. Perrier,

you work both sides
of the big drink.

Pretty good pickings over there,

solving crimes for
them barons and earls

and putting your fancy fees
into private Swiss banks.

Three trips a years buys
a lot of hot chocolate,

don't it, Frenchie?

- Now, see here, Diamond.

- No, you see here
Mr. Charleston of New York,

Palm Beach, and Beverly Hills,

crime is just a hobby
to you, isn't it?

It's just a little
game to while away

the time while you're
waiting for room service

in some fancy hotel,

while your wife's family dough

buys her gin martinis
and your $300 suits.

That's a pretty nice arrangement

when all you gotta
do is give your wife

a little grab every now and then

and take the dog for
a leak twice a day.

Sorry, if I'm
shocking you, ma'am,

but I never had time to
go to finishing school.

My school is the streets

and looking down the barrel
of a pointed revolver

is my teacher.

I get $50 a day in expenses

when I can get 'em, gentlemen,

and I owe Ms. Skeffington here

three years and two
months back pay,

isn't that right, angel?

- I don't care about
the money, Sam.

- Neither do I.

Now if one of you gentlemen

would be so kind as to
give my lady friend here

a glass of cheap white wine,

I'm going down the
hall to find the can.

Talk so much sometimes,
I forget to go.

- Please excuse Sam, he was
shot in the head last week.

He shouldn't even be
out of the hospital.

- Well, if you ask me,

I think the fellow's
pretty damned honest.

- [Dora] Dicky, language.

- Miss Jessica
Marbles and nurse.

(dramatic music)

- Oh, Ms. Marbles,
so we finally meet.

I've admired you ever since
I was tiny little detective.

- Thank you, Mr. Wang.

I am Jessica Marbles.

This is Ms. Withers, my nurse.

She has been with me 52 years.

I have to take care
of the poor dear now.

Are you all right, Ms. Withers?

Do you want your medicine now?

- Well, well.

(dramatic music)

- Ooh, ooh.

- She's off.

I could use a good stiff
shot, Mr. Charleston.

I believe the booze,
as you call it,

is your department.

- My pleasure, madame.

- Who is the old geezer?

- Sam.

- Jessie, baby.
- Sam Diamond.

- Mr. Diamond, you have a
bullet hole in your back.

- You should see the other guy.

(man groans)

- Quiet please.

Observe strange sound.

(man groans)

- My god, it's the face.

It's coming from the face.

(man groans)

- Actually, he's going through
his final moments of death

What could it mean?

- It means dinner, sir.

We have no gong.

(light music)

(glass lightly clings)

- Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to make a toast.

Our host, Mr. Lionel Twain,

is indeed a most unique man.

Point one, he has
succeeded in gathering

the world's five
greatest detectives

to investigate a crime that
has not yet been committed.

Point two, he has
set traps for us,

a bridge that almost collapses,

falling statues, does
he mean to kill us?

Certainly not yet, he could
have done that at any time.

He's merely trying
to whet our appetites

for the game that is to follow.

Point three, why five
detectives instead of one?

Because he intends
to take us all on,

ladies and gentlemen,

a feat that no criminal mind
has heretofore attempted.

Therefore, before this
hellish weekend begins,

I propose that we
raise our wine glasses

in a toast to either
the most beguiling

and charming man or to an
insidious, fiendish madman.

Bottoms up.

- One moment, please.

Point four, wine poisoned.

- What?
- What does it mean?

- An ancient
tasteless, colorless,

and odorless Oriental herb.

Kills instantly.

Observe, please.

(guests gasps)

- Oh.

(guests gasps)

Great Scott, Mr. Wang,
you saved our lives.

- Not quite, Mrs. Charleston.

Bon appetit.

- No, no.
- Oh Jesus.

- Since Monsieur
Wang was the only one

who could detect such a poison,

he was the only
one who was tested.

Point five, Monsieur Twain is
both beguiling and fiendish.

Murder.

- Oh.

Oh, get a doctor quick.

- No, no-it's alright.
My wine is not poisoned.

It was just a bad year.

- Good work, Mr. Wang.

We must be all on our guard
through every course of the meal.

- You're all
forgetting one thing.

This makes the butler
pretty suspicious

since he's the one
who poured the wine.

- Except for the fact,
monsieur, that he is blind.

How would he know
which one to serve

the poisoned glass to?

- That's very simple.

Blind people have a very
keen sense of smell.

Since we're all Anglo Saxon

and Mr. Wang's son is Japanese,

it wouldn't be hard to
sniff out the Chinaman.

- [Dick] See how, Diamond,
that's a pretty tacky thing

to say, isn't it?

- [Sam] Well, it's a pretty
tacky world, Mr. Charleston.

Isn't that right, angel?

- Right, Sam.

- Quiet, please.

Butler approaches.

- I apologize for the delay.

I seem to be having some
communication problems

with the cook.

- Who poured the wine?

- Mr. Twain, sir.

It was left for me on a
tray in the refrigerator.

I was told to give Mr. Wang

the glass with the sticky stem.

- And you didn't
bother to ask why?

- I was lucky to find
the refrigerator, sir.

If I may serve the soup now?

- By all means.

(dramatic music)

Oh, yes, I am famished.

(playful music)

Where is the soup?

- In your dish, sir.

- There is nothing in
my dish but my dish.

- I don't understand, sir.

- Here, take the spoon.

Taste it for yourself.

(dramatic music)

- I see what you mean, sir.

If you'll excuse me,

I'd better have a little
talk with the cook.

- Murder by starvation,
maybe that's his game.

What do you think, Sam?

- I don't know, Jess,

why don't you ask the
moose on the wall?

He's been watching
us since we came in.

(group gasps)

- 10 people for dinner,

and I'm serving
them hot nothing.

You can't get good help today.

You're fired, you
understand, fired.

I want you out, you hear, out.

And stay out.

- Something just occurred to me.

The seating's all wrong.

- How so, Mr. Charleston.

- I'm sitting next to Dora.

- Well, what's wrong with that?

She's your wife, isn't she?

- Exactly, at a
proper dinner party,

the husband is never
seated next to the wife.

Actually I should be on the
opposite side of the table.

Mr. Wang, will you
change places with me.

- Now, Mr. Charleston.

- Now, Mr. Wang.

(distant screams)
(swords clanking)

Just as I thought.

Another test that could
have cost us our lives.

Saved only by the fact that
I am enormously well bred.

- Lucky it wasn't me.

I'd have been
chopped liver by now.

(dramatic music)

(crowd shouting)

- Turn on the lights.
- Get back.

- [Wang] Silence, please.

Do not panic.

No person move from place.

- [Sam] Someone just
came into the room.

I hear footsteps.

- Oh, God.
- Wait, quiet, everyone.

I smell something.

- [Jessie] What is it?

- Good god.

Franks and beans.

- I'm afraid that's
all we have, sir.

- [Dora] Dicky, don't.

You know how I get when
you touch me there.

- [Dick] Not me, darling,
I got my hands in my pockets.

- Oh.
- I'm afraid they're my pockets.

- Oh, sorry about that.
- Dicky, behave yourself.

(dramatic music)

- [Lionel] Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I am your host, Lionel Twain.

(eerie music)

(mystifying music)

- Good god, what an entrance.

- Oh, a bit theatrical, Ms.
Marbles,

but I do so love illusion.

Please forgive my hat,
I'm losing my hair.

- I thought Twain was an
older man, say 72, 73.

- 76 to be exact, Mr. Diamond.

How do I look so young?

Quiet simple, a
complete vegetable diet,

12 hours sleep a night,

and lots and lots of makeup.

I trust you've all
been made comfortable.

- Comfortable, Mr. Twain?

Do you call poisoned wine and
near decapitation comfortable?

- [Lionel] No.

I call it inspiration.

- You still have not explained

the various mechanical
and culinary attempts

on our lives, Monsieur Twain.

- Merely games,
Monsieur Perrier.

Pitting wits with
you, so to speak.

- You pit your wits
with me, little man,

and you won't have
your wits to pit with,

know what I mean?

- Sam, you're
spitting on the nurse.

- Sorry, old lady.

Crazy broad should be in bed.

- Mr. Twain, we have been
here nearly four hours,

and there has not been
a hint of a hot dinner

or a cold corpse.

I must therefore bid you adieu.

- I bid one adieu as well.

- No one is leaving this house.

(dramatic music) (loud clanking)

(light tapping)

- What meaning of
this, Mr. Twain?

- I will tell you, Mr. Wang,

if you can tell me why
a man who possesses

one of the most brilliant minds

of this century can't
say his prepositions

or articles, the, Mr. Wang,

what is the meaning of this?

- That's what I said.

What meaning of this?

- The meaning of this
is that I have decided

to prove beyond a
shadow of a doubt

that the greatest living
criminologist in the world

is sitting at this table,

and you are all looking at him.

No, don't look at each other.

Look at me, I'm the greatest.

I'm number one.

- To me, you look like
number two, know what I mean?

- What does he mean, Ms.
Skeffington?

- I'll tell you later,
it's disgusting.

- In all your
various adventures,

monsieurs and madames,
not one of you

has ever had an unsolved murder.

Your reputations exist
on this single fact,

but what would the world say

if the five greatest
living detectives

found themselves trapped
in a country house

at the weekend, shut off
from the outside world,

only to discover a
dead body on the floor

stabbed 12 times in the
back with a butcher's knife,

and not one of you,
able to solve the crime.

- You mean murder?

- Dora, please,
we're talking shop.

- Yes, murder, Mrs. Charleston.

On the stroke of midnight,

someone in this house is going
to be viciously murdered.

- Left out one small
detail, Mr. Twain.

Who victim?

- Is the, is the,

who is the victim?

That drives me crazy.

- Sounds like a
short ride to me.

- Does it, Mr. Diamond.

Well, we shall see who is sane

and who is crazy around here.

Mr. Wang, the victim is here

at this very table,
at this very moment,

and so too, ladies and
gentlemen, is the murderer.

- Murder-poo?

- [Jessica] Yes, dear.

We're going to have
a lovely Murder-poo.

- Why don't you
push her wheelchair

down a driveway, we
got business here.

You say you know
who's gonna get it?

- Intimately.

- And you know how the
crime is to be committed?

- [Lionel] Definitely.

- And exactly what time
murder to take place?

- [Lionel] The
murder, precisely.

- Well, I know it's
none of my business,

but doesn't that mean that
you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?

- No wives, I refuse to
discuss this with wives.

- Dora's quite right,
all fingers do seem

to point to you, not much
of a challenge, I'd say.

- Shall I make it more
interesting, Mr. Charleston?

One million dollars to the
one who solves the crime

wagered against
your reputations.

One million dollars
in tax free cash,

in addition, all
the paperback rights

and the film sale.

It's 11 o'clock, amigos,

just one hour before death
strikes someone in this room.

See ya at midnight, toodle ooh.

(dramatic music)

- See here, Mr. Twain.

- [Jessica] He's gone.

- No, he's not, he's down there.

- Oh.

- Fast little bunny
rabbit, ain't you?

- I never moved, Mr. Diamond.

I'm still down there.

A little stunt
done with mirrors.

- Is that so?

Willing to risk
seven years had luck?

- Try it, Mr. Diamond.

- It's your funeral, butterball.

- Wait, wait.

Sometimes it doesn't work.

You've won this
round, Mr. Diamond.

My turn comes at midnight.

(dramatic music)

- I hope he knows how
to stop that thing.

- If you ask me, anybody
that offers a million bucks

to solve a crime that
ain't been committed yet,

there's a lot more
upstairs than his hair.

- What do we all do now?

Just sit around and
wait for one of us

to be butchered?

- And what has
happened to the butler?

Why has he not returned?

With our dinner?

Go look for him.
- Oui, monsieur.

- No, no one to leave this room.

- [Willie] Why not, Pa?

- Twain say victim
at this table.

"If we a" stay together,

crime cannot be committed
without witnesses.

- He's right, you're one
smart Chinaman, Mr. Wang.

- I suggest we all join hands.

The chain is stronger if
the links are unbroken.

Join hands, please.

(clock ticks)

- Stop that.

Stop it, I said.

- What is it, Diamond?

- The nurse is giving
my palm the finger,

the dirty, old broad.

- Naughty, naughty Ms. Withers.

(Ms. Withers laughing)

- Good God.

- What is it?
- Look.

- [Tess] What is she doing?

- I think she's screaming.

- What is it?

What's happened?

- Something wrong in kitchen.

- With our dinner.

- No, patience, patience.

- Is someone in there?

- Someone in the
kitchen with dinner?

- Cook cannot speak or hear.

Ah.

I think butler is dead.

My name is Yetta.

I don't work Thursdays.

- Ask her if she
sleeps in, Dicky.

- We must investigate
this, Wang.

Someone has to go.

- Not alone.

Mr. Charleston, Mr. Diamond,
stay with others,

Ms. Marble, Mr. Perrier and
Wang, we'll investigate.

- Oh.

Oh, that's right.

Just let it all out.

Here.

Oh dear.

(suspenseful music)

- Careful Wang.

Fingerprints.

- Ah.

Yes.

- Here, take my handkerchief.

(suspenseful music)

- Is he?

- He looks like...

- Seems like...

- Touch nothing!

- Fingerprints.

- Quite so.

Pencil.

- Pencil.

(suspenseful music)

- No pulse.

No heartbeat.

If condition does not
change, this man is dead.

- No signs of foul play.

- Hold on, what's this?

What do you make
of this, Perrier?

- Poisoned.

N'est-ce pas?
- Non, n'est-ce pas. Cocoa.

- At last, we have our murder.

- Not quite.

Twain say murder victim
sitting at our table.

Butler not at our table.

Butler only killed to
divert us from real murder

still to come.

(loudly thumping) - Look.

- Ah.

- One of the knives is missing.

The butcher's knife, I'll wager.

- That means the others
are still in danger.

- What is exact time, please?

- Yes, yes.

- 11:31 and 56 seconds.

57, 58.

Tell me when to stop, 59, 60.

- 28 minutes to main murder.

Quickly back to dining room.

Must all be together
at midnight.

- Wait a minute. (all gasping)

(suspenseful music)

- [Wang] Hankerchief.

(suspenseful music)

- What is it?

- A bill.

Everything he has been
arranging for tonight,

the butler, the cook, the food,

the dining room
chairs, everything.

- You mean?
- Yes.

This entire murder
has been catered.

- Wow.

(suspenseful music)

- It's Twain's doing,
the man is mad.

- Yes, but no fool.

I only hope we are in time.

- Door locked.

- Sam Diamond probably
locked it from the inside

as a precaution.

- Good thinking on Diamond head.

(knocks on door)

- [Milo] Diamond, it's Perrier,
it's all right, open up.

(knocks on door)

Diamond, Charleston,
are you in there?

- Quickly go back to kitchen,

get dining room key from
pocket of dead butler.

- You didn't have
to say dead butler.

It's bad enough I have to
put my hand in his pocket.

(knocks on door)
(suspenseful music)

(playful music)

Holy merde.

(suspenseful music)

(knocks on door)

- [Jessica] Ms. Skeffington, Ms.
Skeffington, Ms. Withers.

- He's gone.

- Who's gone?

- The butler, his
body is missing.

Here is the key.

- If butler gone,

where you find key?

- In his pocket.
- What pocket?

- The butler's pocket.

- Butler gone but
pocket still there?

- Exactly, somebody
has stolen his body

but left his clothes there.

- Quickly, open the door.

Something is very wrong here.

- Ah.

(dramatic music)

- Hello?

Where is everyone?

- Room filled with empty people.

- I'll try the other door.

It's locked from the inside.

- Strange, both doors
locked from inside,

yet no way out.

- I don't like it,
I don't like it one bit.

- I like it but do
not understand it.

Maybe other way out of
room, secret passageway.

- [Lionel] Wrong, there are no
secret passageways, Mr. Wang.

- You spoke?

- No.
- Not me.

- [Lionel] I spoke.

- Ah, there.

Voice come from cow on wall.

- [Lionel] Moose,
moose, you imbecile!

- Where are they?

What have you done with the
others, you short madman?!

- [Lionel] Ah-ha,
stumped already.

Need some clues,
Monsieur Perrier?

- Clues, I need
no clues from you,

I find my own clues,
you demented lollipop.

- Calm yourself.

Man who argue with cow on wall

is like train without wheels,

very soon get nowhere.

- Oh, be quiet, I'm sick
of your fortune cookies.

- Oh, man who is sick
of fortune cookies...

- Did you hear what I just said?

- Is like so many
Chinese restaurant.

- I just said I was
sick of fortune cookies.

- He gets sick of...

- Quiet, quiet, just, please.

- Cow talk again.

- [Lionel] In need of a hint, Ms.
Marbles?

"You a" mistake what you assume,

they never left the dining room.

Count the numbers one to 10,

turn the knob and try again.
(laughs maniacally)

- What the devil does that mean?

They never left the dining room.

Certainly they did.

- Do not mistake what
you assume just now,

quick, counting wrong.

- What for?

- We assume others not here,

but cow say they
are in dining room.

Let us look once more.

Please close door, Mr. Perrier.

- I cannot see what possibly...

- Please, quiet,

seven, eight, nine, 10.

Ms. Marbles, be so kind
as to open door, please.

- Where were you, Wang?

We was worried.

- What do you mean
where were we?

Where were you? - We were here.

- Didn't you say not to
leave the dining room?

- And you have
not left this room

since we were gone?

- Certainly not.
- No, monsieur.

- Answer simple but
question very hard.

- Where's the butler?

- Butler completely murdered.

- Poisoned, yet one of the
butcher's knives is missing.

- We came back
here to inform you,

but the doors were locked.

- I went back to get the key
out of the butler's pocket.

His body was missing.

He'd been stripped naked

and his clothes
left in his place.

- I don't understand.

Why would anybody want to
steal a dead, naked body?

- Well, dear, there
are people who...

- Oh that's tacky.

That's really tacky.

- Then we returned
here, opened the door,

but the room was empty.

You were all gone.

Oh, the moose head
told us not to assume

that you had ever
left the dining room,

so we counted to 10
and tried it again.

And here you were.

I'm not one to use hyperbole,
ladies and gentlemen,

but I'll tell you this,

the first time in my life,

I had the caca scared out of me.

- I like her.

I really like her.

(gun fires)

- Gunshots, monsieur.
- Gunshots, Pop.

- Gunshots, Sam.
- Gunshots, Dicky.

- Huge.

- All right, this time
Charleston and I will go.

Everybody else stay in the room.

Let's go Charleston.

(curious music)

- What do you make
of all of this, Wang?

- Is confusing.

- [Lionel] It, it is confusing.

Say your goddamn pronouns.

- Oh.

(suspenseful music)

- Open the door.

- Good god!

- What is it?
- He's back.

And au naturel.

- I don't get it.

First they steal the body
and leave the clothes,

then they steal the clothes
and bring the body back.

Who would do a thing like that?

- Possibly some
deranged dry cleaner.

- What about the gunshots?

Why shoot some poor slob

when he's already been poisoned?

- True, we heard the gunshots

but I don't see
any bullet holes,

not on his head, his neck,
his back, or his chest.

- Look allover him.

- All over his body?

- Somebody's gotta do it.

I'm busy standing guard.

- Why don't I stand guard,
you look all over the body.

- All right, we'll take turns.

You look over the
first dead, naked body

that we find and I'll
look over the second.

(thunder rumbles)

Hurry up, we only
got eight minutes.

Oh.

You see anything?

- No, I don't see a
bullet hole anywhere.

Hold it, I see something.

- What is it?

- Oh, forget it, my mistake.

Not a bullet hole.

- If he wasn't plugged,
what about the shots?

- Divide and conquer?
- What?

- Another diversion.

He gives us meaningless
clues to confuse us,

dangles red herrings
before our eyes,

bedazzles us with
bizarre banalities,

while all the time
precious seconds

are ticking away towards
the truly terrible

murder still to come.

- You're good, Charleston.

You're not my kind of cop,

but you're smart
and you smell good.

You're not a pansy, I know that,

but what the hell are you?

- Classy, I suppose.

- Dames always fall for a
guy like you, don't they?

- I don't see what
possible interest...

- Did you ever make
it with a waitress?

- I beg your pardon.
- A waitress.

Big fat waitress.

I don't know what them
society dames are like

in the kip, but you
ain't never had it

till you made it with a
big, fat blondie waitress.

If you're ever interested,

you give me a call.

- Bizarre little twit.

- Still not sure about this guy.

(light suspenseful music)

What are you doing?

- I had to wash
my hands after...

- Good.

- I'll be out in a minute.

- I'll go ahead,
I'll tell the others.

Well, you're never gonna
believe this, folks.

All right, where are you?

What the hell is going on here?

Charleston, wash up
later, we got problems.

Locked from the inside.

That can only mean one thing,

and I don't know what it is.

Charleston.

You're never gonna believe...

(dog growls)

- I said I'd be out in a minute.

- I don't remember
closing that door.

- What happened?

- [Jessica] What
were the gun shots?

- Did anybody leave this
room since we were gone?

- So it happened to
you, too, Mr. Diamond?

- Where's my Dicky?

Sorry, where's my husband?

- Two minutes to midnight,

in case anyone is interested.

- It ain't possible,
I'm telling you.

Eight people in a dining room,

can't turn into an
empty room unless...

- [Tess] Unless what Sam?

- Unless it never happened.

- I see your point, Diamond.

When is a dining room
filled with people

not a dining room
filled with people.

- [Jessica] When there's
two dining rooms?

- Exactly.

- Two dining rooms.

- Two dining rooms,
two of everything.

Twain, electronic genius.

- He has devised a
way to move this room

quickly and silently
in the flash of an eye,

to be replaced by an exact
duplicate of this very room.

- I knew it all the time.

- Oh please.

I shall demonstrate.

I shall walk out
the door, close it,

knock three times, enter,

and you will all
be gone, observe.

M-hm, m-hm, m-hm.

(knocks on door)

- I have it all figured out.

There are two of everything.

- Oh, Dicky, that's old news.

- All right, everybody
take their seats.

- [Tess] I'm scared,
Sam, hold me.

- Hold yourself, I'm busy.

Take the same seats
you had before.

- 40 seconds.

I'm very worried about
Monsieur Perrier.

- I'm going to look for him.

- No, sit please, no
one to leave room.

(knocks on door)

- That's the other door.

(knocks on door)

- It's locked, I can't open it.

- [Jessica] Hurry man,
we have 15 seconds.

- [Sam] Move your
hand, chauffeur.

(gun fires) (dramatic music)

- Don't ask.

- What are you doing in
the butler's uniform?

- I said don't ask me.

I don't know.

It all happened too quickly.

- The cook.

Where is the cook?

- She's gone.
- Never said a word.

- 10 more seconds.

Quickly, sit and join hands.

(suspenseful music)

- Impossible for murder to
happen now without witnesses.

- Three, two, one.

(clock chimes)
(suspenseful music)

It's over.

We're safe and sound.

(knocks on door)

- Oh, that's probably
the cook, come in.

- Darling, the poor
woman is stone deaf.

- I'm sorry, I forgot, come in.

- Not sound like cook to me.

(suspenseful music)

Ah, Mr. Twain.

You appear to be wrong.

Nobody here murdered.

Please to come in.

(group screaming)

- [Dora] Is he dead?

- With a thing like
that in his back,

in the long run,
he's better off.

- Touch nothing!

- Will you stop
saying, touch nothing.

We're all experienced
criminologists.

I find it insulting,
debasing and redundant,

to keep telling us
to touch nothing.

- Oh, be quiet, woman.

- Up yours, fellow.

- Most amusing,
bickering detectives,

like making giant lamb stew,

everything goes to pot.

- Why don't you stop it.
- Be quiet.

- Please be quiet.
- I am.

I want you to know.

(gun fires)

- Shut up, all of
youse, nobody move.

Stay where you are, everybody.

- What is it?

- I have to go to the can again.

I don't wanna miss nothing.

- I'm going, too, Sam.

- I'd rather do this
alone, Tess, thanks anyway.

- [Dora] The cook?

- What darling?

- Well, it's obvious.

The cook murdered him.

The butler's dead,
all the rest of us

are in this room except for her.

No one else could get in or out,

so that only leaves the
cook, isn't that right?

- Wrong.

- Oh, what makes you
certain of this, Sam?

- To drive a knife that
far up a man's back,

you need a powerful right arm,

and this arm don't
look that strong to me.

(group gasps)

- Is that the cook's arm?

- It ain't the
pussycat's tail, lady.

- (gasps) Oh.

- Oh don't be alarmed,
miss, it ain't real.

For that matter,
neither is the cook.

I found this before
I got to the can.

Got a little surprise
for you folks.

(everyone gasps)
(dramatic music)

- The cook.
- A mannequin.

- No.

A dummy.

Perfect in every detail
with the exception

of not being able to
make her hear or speak.

My hat's off to the man
with the shiv in his back.

Except for the fact
that he's dead,

he was no dope.

- Nice going, Sam.

- I hope you all realize
that someone in this room

is a murderer.

- For sake of ladies present,

may I suggest that we a"
return to drawing room.

My son will cover up
remains of Mr. Twain.

- Why do I do all
the dirty work, Pop?

- Because your mother
not here to do it.

Come please.

(suspenseful music)

- Give me the bottle, Sam.

- Excuse me.

(thunder rumbles)

- Been getting a
headache, Dicky,

isn't there some
way of turning off

that ridiculous machine.

- Maybe some gadget
outside the window.

(thunder rumbles)

Sorry, darling, it's
raining this time.

- I suggest we get down to
business and sort the facts.

It is now 12:30 Sunday morning.

The doors and windows will
automatically open at dawn,

and one of us here will be
one million dollars richer,

and one of us will be going
to the gas chamber to be hung.

- One, Monsieur Perrier.

Why not two?

We all have associates?

- Why not four or six or eight?

I don't trust any of youse.

Maybe I'm just a patsy being
set up to take the fall,

but I'm not falling for
any of you, you understand?

- Not even me, Sam?

- Why don't you fall in
love with the Jap kid

and get off my back.

- Can we get back
to case, please.

Time is late,

and my eyes are getting tired.

- I thought they always
looked like that.

- Knock if off, Sam.

- I apologize, this case
is getting on my nerves.

I'm sorry, Slanty.

- Thank you.

Now then, facts, please, facts.

Mr. Twain predicts murder,

also predicts victim to be
at dining table, correct?

- Correct.

- I'm sorry darling, this
is official, correct.

- Also predicts murder
to take place at midnight

and predicts number
of stab wounds.

How can this be if he not in
collaboration with murderer?

- What if Twain did it himself?

- Murdered himself?

For what possible reason?

And how?

- The motive is simple; ego.

If we were not to
solve this crime,

he would indeed be named the
world's foremost detective,

and with an ego like his,

the fact that he
had to die for it

would be a small price to pay.

As to how, any man who
can create this chamber

of electronic marvels

would certainly be able
to devise a machine

that would stab himself in
the back 11 or 12 times.

- That was wonderful, darling.

I'm so proud of you,
let's go to bed, quickly.

- One moment, please.

Very interesting
theory, Mr. Charleston,

but you overlook one
very important point.

- And that is?

- It's stupid.

It most stupid theory I ever heard.
(laughs)

- Do you have a better one?

- Oh, yeah, much better one.

You see, I have been doing
my homework, Mr. Charleston.

For example, I have information

that your wife's
portfolio of stocks

was seriously depleted in
latest financial crisis.

In short, you are flat
broke, Mr. Charleston.

You have been borrowing
money for over two years

at 17% interest from
Mr. Lionel Twain.

- Broke, Dicky, is this true?

- I didn't want to
tell you now, darling,

I was saving it
for your birthday.

- One million dollars would
buy great many tight suits,

would it not, Mr. Charleston?

- Now see here, Wang...

- What, dead broke, Dicky?

- Almost, darling.

I have $1.17 and some stamps,

but I did not
murder Lionel Twain.

Now you do believe
that, don't you darling?

- We'll talk, we'll see.

- It could have
been any one of you.

Each and every one of us

was out of that dining room
at one time or another,

giving ample opportunity
to commit the crime.

As for motives,

there's more than ego
and cash involved.

For example, revenge.

- Meaning what, Mr. Charleston?

- Meaning that I'm
not the only one here

who's had a past
experience with Mr. Twain.

Did you know that he was
quite a ladies man in his day?

- Are you suggesting
that someone here...

- Was at one time in
love with Lionel Twain,

as a matter of fact,
he was engaged to

and jilted Ms. Jessica Marbles.

(dramatic music)

Mon dieu!

- Jesus H. Christ.

- Jilted 54 years
ago at the altar,

left her there in that
same baggy tweed outfit.

- Is this true, Jessie?

- I was not jilted.

I walked out on him.

He wanted to fool around
before the wedding.

- And being the lady
you are, you refused.

- Not completely.

But it got out of hand.

He was horrid but
I didn't kill him.

- That's good enough for me.

What about you, Frenchie?

- I'm not a Frenchie.

I'm a Belgie.

And as for other motives,

how about patricide?

- The killing of
one's own parent?

Mean that Lionel
Twain was the father

of someone in this room?

- He wasn't my father.

(dramatic music)

He was my uncle.

He was very good to me,

he would take me to the
circus and give me candy.

We stopped going
when I was about 26.

I'm sorry, Sam.

- 26?

What the hell kind
of a circus was it?

- Forgive me, but I was
talking about patricide,

not unclecide.

Mr. Twain may have been your uncle, Ms.
Skeffington,

but he was the
illegitimate father

of Monsieur Sidney Wang.

(dramatic music)

- It's not true.

I was adopted.

I have my papers.

"That is why I have
adopted a" my children.

- I was wondering.

- Oh.

He loved me very much,

but he was not very observant.

One day, when I was 19,

he called me to his study,

noticed for first
time I was Oriental

and kicked me out of house.

I could have-

- Killed him, Monsieur Wang.

- As easily as you, Mr. Perrier,

Lionel Twain killed
the only thing

you ever loved,
Mary Louise Cotille.

(dramatic music)

(Milo choking up)

- Your sweetheart?

- My poodle.

He was a most cruel man.

Monsieur Twain would come
to France every season,

to hunt poodles.

The day they brought her
bloodied sequin collar to me,

I vowed one day I would...

- Knock him off.

- Yes, gladly if
I had the chance.

But I did not.

Someone here beat me to it.

- So there's more
than one reason

that we was invited here.

Not only was Twain testing
our skills as detectives,

but we all have
legitimate motives

for doing the old man in.

- I've not yet heard
your motive, Mr. Diamond.

- My motive is unimportant.

Let's just say that I hated
him enough to kill him.

- You are closed
man, Mr. Diamond.

You hide many things.

Could it be that Mr. Twain
discover your secret?

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

- We know different, do we not, Ms.
Skeffington.

(light dramatic music)

- Twain picked up
Sam in a gay bar.

- I was working on a case.

- Every night for sixth months.

- I got 50 bucks
a day in expenses.

I hate them queeries.

- Twain had Polaroid
pictures of Sam in drag.

- I was in disguise.

Lots of dames go
in those joints.

I never kissed nobody,

and I never did nothing to a man

that I wouldn't do to a woman,

and I didn't kill Twain.

Bitch.

- Most interesting.

All had perfect motives
for killing Twain.

Wonder which one
was one who done it?

- We still have the
night to get through.

If anyone is going
to solve this case,

I say we all get a
good night's sleep.

"- And I suggest we
a" lock our doors.

One of us is a mad killer,

not to be trusted.

(thunder rumbles)

(doors locking)

(suspenseful music)

- Pop.

- Yeah?

- Who do you think
is the murderer?

- Must sleep on it.

Will know in morning
when wake up.

- But what if you don't wake up.

- Then you did it.

Go sleep, please.

- Goodnight, Dad.

- Shut up, adopted pussy cat.

(snoring)

- Should I turn
off the steam, Pop?

- Not steam.

Someone just put deadly
snake in the room.

Wake me when it come near bed.

(dramatic music)

- I want you to
know, Dicky, darling,

that if you're the murderer,

I'll still love you.

I don't think it would be
right for us to make love,

but I'd still love you.

- No fear of that, my pet.

Now let's see what we have here.

We have one missing,
dead, naked butler,

one host with a butchers
knife in his back,

and one poisonous scorpion
crawling up our sheets.

- [Dora] Is that what that is?

- Yes, they can kill instantly.

I suggest we don't move.

(dramatic music)

- [Dora] For how long?

- Quite possibly for
the rest of our lives.

(dramatic music)

- Good heavens.

I know who the murderer is.

- Solvey-poo?

- Yes, Ms. Withers,
the murderer is...

(sniffs) Good god, gas!

- I'm sorry, I can't
help it, I'm old.

- No, no, the other kind of gas.

The kind that kills.

- Sometimes my gas.

- It's seeping in
through the vent.

(playful music)

It's locked from the outside.

(door knob jiggling)

Help!

- Doesn't smell that bad to me.

- [Jessica] Help!

(sultry music)

- Did I do right, Sam, telling
them about the gay bar?

- Perfect, sweetheart.

They took the bait
like a dumb halibut.

Let them think I'm a pansy.

While they're busy
suspecting me,

one of them is gonna
let his pants down.

- Sam, why do you
keep all those naked

muscleman magazines
in your office?

- Suspects.

Always looking for suspects.

(rhythmic ticking)

What's that ticking
sound I hear?

(dramatic music) (ticking)

That ticking sound
you hear, Mr. Diamond,

is a bomb in your room

that will go off in 30 seconds,

signed the murderer.

- [Tess] Quick, Sam, the door.

- PS, the door is locked.

(dramatic music) (ticking)

I'm sorry about this, Tess.

And me owing you
all that money, too.

- Well, that's all right, Sam,

what are we gonna do?

- I got an idea.

I don't know whether this
is gonna work or not.

Quick, turn around.

- I'm turned, Sam.

- Whatever you do,
baby, don't turn back.

- But Sam, if anything...
- Do as I say, angel.

- I will, Sam.

- Good.

'Cause I think I'm gonna cry.

I knew this day, I'm having a bad day.
(Diamond blubbers uncontrollably)

(Perrier hums)

- What are you doing in my bed?

- Well, there's no place
else to sleep, monsieur.

- Sleep in the car, you
chauffeur, you, go, go, go, go.

- Oh, you are unfair.

I will tell everyone
that you wear a toupee.

- They already know.

- Then why do you wear it?

- I didn't know that you knew.

- Certainly I know,
a terrible toupee.

(loudly exploding)

- A bomb, across the hall.

Quickly, the door, the door.

(dramatic music)

- It's locked from the outside.

- You look taller to me.

Why is that?

- I don't understand, monsieur.

I'm not getting taller.

- If you are not getting taller.

There is only one alternative.

The room is getting shorter.

(dramatic music)

- Oh mon dieu, the
ceiling is coming down.

(men screaming)

(glass shatters)

What will we do?

- I don't know.

But this is exactly how
they make goose liver pate.

(men screaming)

(suspenseful music)

- Not so fast, please, do
not cross out Wang name,

cross out snake instead.

- Nice shot, Pop.

Sure wish you weren't
such a heavy sleeper.

- And now,

if you please.

One million dollars,
Mr. Bensonmum.

- [Willie] Banzai, Pop.

- Very clever of you, Mr. Wang.

Oh, yes, as you
can see, I can see.

- So I see.

- Tell me, as the only survivor,

how did you deduce it was me?

- Went back to theory
seldom used today,

butler did it.

- Oh, I hadn't thought of that,

but how do you account for
my dead body in the kitchen?

- Oh, body made of plastic.

Same as plastic cook.

While we examined
plastic butler,

you murder Lionel Twain.

- You're a clever little
laundry man, Mr. Wang.

- But not quite clever enough.

I'll take that one million
dollars, Bensonmum.

Alias Irving Goldman.

- Irving Goldman?

- Oh yes.

Irving Goldman was the attorney
of the late Lionel Twain,

and Lionel Twain
died five years ago,

his body was recently discovered

in Goldman's filing cabinet.

Am I correct, Mr. Goldman?

- Yeah, correct, Ms. Marbles,

but how did you
escape the poison gas?

- Quite simple,
I covered my mouth,

and let Ms. Withers here
breathe in all the gas.

- Sicky poo.

- Yes, dear, I know.

The million dollars please.

- I wouldn't, if I
were you, Goldman.

Or is it Goldman?

Actually, it's
Mr. Marvin Metzler.

(dramatic music)

- Marvin Metzler.

- Very good, Mr. Charleston,

but how did you know?

- The bill in the
dead butler's hand.

Stating that the entire
weekend had been catered,

only an accountant
would have held

on to a thing like that.

- Dicky, get the
money and let's go.

- In a moment, darling.

Goldman was killed last
month while skiing.

He jumped 200 feet into
a low flying plane.

- Dicky, I can't
wait much longer.

- You've not lost your
touch, Mr. Charleston,

but how did you elude
the deadly scorpion.

- Oh we didn't, he stung Dora.

We have 15 minutes
to get to the doctor.

- Could you explain
later, Dicky?

Let's go now.
- We'll make it, darling.

Never fear.

The prize money, Mr. Metzler.

- Belongs to me, monsieur.

Marcel, being one of the
world's strongest men

stopped your ceiling
from crushing us,

at four feet five inches.

It may be months before we are
able to straighten up again,

but the million dollars

will buy a lot of
back braces, eh?

Miss Irene Twain,
daughter of Lionel.

- What?

- I prefer to be called Rita.

But how did you know?

- Never underestimate
a Frenchman's nostrils,

Ms. Twain, at dinner tonight,

I smelled your
Chanel Number Five.

It was you who did
away with all of them,

Metzler, Goldman,
and your father.

In fact, if you had your way,

you would do away with all men,

would you not, Ms. Twain,

men who have made you
ashamed and made you suffer

because you were born with
brains, talent, money,

everything but that which
you most desired, beauty.

It is a statement of fact, Ms.
Twain.

That as a man you
are barely passable,

but as a woman, you are a dog.

- That's your opinion, big boy.

(dramatic music)

- And now my money, please.

With luck, I can still
make dinner at Maxine's.

- If I were you, I'd just
order a tuna fish sandwich,

because that dough
belongs to me.

That's right, I'm
alive and kicking.

Ms. Skeffington here
dropped your bomb

down the john and blew
up just as she flushed.

The seat missed her
head by an inch.

(Tess coughing)

k- I'm a“ right, 33..

- JJ?

- That's right, folks,
he outsmarted us all.

Sitting behind that desk

is the real Sam Diamond.

My name is Loomis, J.J. Loomis,

I'm an actor, I do impressions.

I did the Carson show
six times last year.

Diamond hired me
for the weekend.

Ms. Skeffington here is
actually Vilma Norman.

She's a cocktail waitress at
the Waterbed Motel in Carmel.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Diamond hated all of you.

You were all getting
the big money

and he had that crummy little
office in San Francisco.

If he proved that
he was number one,

he would get all
your rich clients,

but since I put all
the pieces together,

I figure that money
belongs to me.

Isn't that right, Mr. Diamond?

- Wrong.

That would have been so obvious,

a child could have guessed it.

No, my dear colleagues, what
you all seem to overlook

is the most simple
and direct solution,

that I am indeed Lionel Twain.

(dramatic music)

You've all been so
clever for so long,

you've forgotten to be humble.

You tricked and fooled
your readers for years,

you've tortured us all
with surprise endings

that made no sense.

You've introduced characters
in the last five pages

that were never in
the book before.

You withheld clues
and information

that made it impossible
for us to guess who did it,

but now, the tables are turned.

Millions of angry
mystery readers

are now getting their revenge,

when the world learns
I've outsmarted you,

they'll be selling your
$1.95 books for 12 cents.

It's check out time,
ladies and gentlemen.

I have your bills ready.

- Oh.

- [Lionel] Credit
cards will be accepted.

(dramatic music)

- Then even the
scorpion was fake?

- Everything, the
bridge, the maid.

- [Dora] But you're
sure about the scorpion.

- Positive, even the fog.

He made that with
a dry ice machine.

See for yourself.

- [Dora] Awfully unromantic.

(dramatic music)

- Then if he really
was Lionel Twain,

you must really be Sam Diamond.

- That's right, baby.

I was in disguise, in
disguise, in disguise.

You'll work hard for 50
bucks a day in this racket.

- I guess that means we won't

be seeing each other again, Sam.

- Well, that depends.

I'll be around if you need me.

All you gotta do is whistle.

And you know how to
whistle, don't you, baby?

- Certainly, what do you mean?

- All right, never
mind, forget it.

You ruined it.

- I don't understand, Pop.

Was there a murder
or wasn't there?

- Yes.

Killed good weekend.

Drive please.

(engine revs)

(dramatic music)

(woman maniacally
laughing) (curious music)

(doorbell rings)